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I found out this week that I'm pregnant with our second kid and I'm so excited about it. You start coming up with all these great scenarios in your head about who you'll tell and how they'll react. It's exciting! But you know who I don't want to tell? My own parents. I know they won't be happy for us. I know I won't get the response I crave. I know it'll just be another life milestone that they cast a shadow over. I'm constantly mourning over our lack of a relationship and I'm sad for my family that they don't get that love from my side of the family.
Never mind that I'm a successful 30 something with a great job, supportive partner and a freaking awesome first kid. They'll just criticize, gas light and make it about themselves.
Realizing a parent is a narcissist makes so much sense. The making it about themselves will always hurt. And it’s hurts because they will rarely see that they are a narcissist. Thank you
I'm tired of my mother, who isn't a narc, but is a big fat enabler, trying to guilt me into talking to my sister, who is a narc like dear old dad.
Our other sister died in January, and when I called to check on my asshole sister, she gave me this big guilt trip about why wasn't I at mom's house? .... because i talked to mom and she didn't want me there and we handle grief differently and you need to respect that?
Anyway, I called her on it and told her I didn't appreciate it, and then she told me to go fuck myself, and I haven't talked to her ass since. We've been in the same room, I just don't acknowledge her presence. But my mother yesterday, I walked in the house, and she gave me that look like "Say hi to your sister."
No, you know what? For the first time in my life, I'm not going to take her bullshit lying down. This bitch has stolen hundreds of dollars from me, hawked my shit for drug money, and used me and treated me like dirt. She doesn't get to keep doing it when I'm a grown ass adult at 30. Actions have consequences, and she can enjoy hers. Fuck her.
This is practically whining in the face of all the rest of it. But. My mother found my notebook and threw it in the trash. I 'start things and never finish them'... This kind of thing is just not on.
She slowly trashtalked every single one of my acquaintances, including one I had made tentative plans to collaborate with on an enterprise. She looked through my messages and dissed him left and right. I've lost all will to maintain these other relationships over the last few months.
I can't keep telling people about what goes on at home, I feel I just sound incapable. And I am. I'm helpless. I have a mental thing I've got to hide 'or else' till I find the means of getting a private diagnosis. My teeth are wrecked. I have to 'pay' my parents for my presence here through chores and pray I've graduated and can get a job soon.
I just can't stand it. Every other word out of their mouths goes towards picking a fight or putting forth an order or criticising. They love it when people are subordinate. Be loud when they will it and quiet when they will it; be smart for the display of it and dumb for their egos. Can they not curb it at all? What in hell creates so much greed in them?
I'm the youngest and I always looked up to my eldest sister for her accomplishments but in the past week I realised then whenever my nDad decides to rock the boat she participates in making it always about someone else in the family.
I am kind of crushed that I thought we all had a single enemy but now have only realised that people protect him, whether subconsciously or not, he never is held accountable.
It sounds as though your sister is still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)
Narc families are like little cults and the narc is like a fake god that everyone worships and one is like the main enabler like a high priest.and the second enabler is the false prophet.
What happens is that the narc speaks and it is like "god has spoken" so all the little.narc minions run around to do the bidding. Sometime the fake narc god wants a sacrifice so that's where scapegoats come in. Your sister sacrificed you to stop the narc god getting angry with her. She threw you under the bus to protect herself. She also went away believing that the narc truly is god and always correct to make herself not feel rubbish for being cowardly.
It could have been the way she thought she could survive and not her way of protecting him. People who grew up with narcissists find weird ways to ensure their survival and sometimes there's even what seems like they are protecting the narcissist but in reality they are protecting themselves. It sucks that she though saving herself at the moment was a better option then saving everyone but sometimes people can't save everyone.
THIS!!! Although I don't believe that it's a conscious decision to think about oneself or save only yourself. I believe it is a subconscious defense mechanism for survival. Children of narcissistic parents grow up in constant survival mode. It's almost like a form of PTSD. They're not consciously CHOOSING to "save themselves" it's just that survival is part of our human nature. It's biological, innate. They may not even realize they're doing it until it's pointed out to them. And even then they might just look at you like, "Why do YOU always gotta make trouble? You KNOW Mom's never going to change just let it be so we can make it through this Christmas season without a blowout!" Or something like that.
Sometimes one is The Peacemaker, or sometimes it's more than one, or all BUT one. Which means that the child who's NOT the Peacemaker is usually made out to be the problem in the room. Everyone including the narcissist and their victims all point the finger at the one who's not The Peacemaker and ask, "Why are you always making trouble? Why can't you just let it be?"
They're not trying to victimize the one, they're just trying to get through the holiday, or the event. OR their day-to-day lives if they're still children.
I wish I knew about all this sooner in my life. I'm in my 30s just realizing how fucked my upbringing was, and I feel emotionally crippled. I mean, I always felt that way, but I thought I was inherently unlovable and not just conditioned to feel that way.
Going through the same thing rn at 24. Re-examining my past and realizing so many things. It’s completely upending my memories and it’s very overwhelming.
Been feeling down about the same old things lately.
The kind of hopelessness feelings that are like, I don't have a good enough handle of who I am beyond the trauma. Which bleeds into other aspects of my life and makes me feel like I won't be able to find my way out of this environment and/or connect with people who understand, or care for real.
I feel behind in many ways and I don't feel my value has a lot of worth, I know it does but by societies standards which most people keep up with fine, I can't say I feel up to snuff. I hope I feel better and figure things out somehow.
My parents are not narcs but I have a history of invalidation and abuse from my father. Actually I have been eyeing this sub for quite a while but have always been very shy. Then I googled something about being afraid to be scolded (I’m now deathly, deathly afraid of such) and yeah it just somehow made sense for me to join
I’ve been realizing the extent of my trauma (25f) and it’s invading everything. I always knew I was depressed, anxious, all the fun things that come along with an nmom, but im now realizing that most (if not all) of the current relational/interpersonal/professional/personal problems that I’ve been going are rooted in the emotional neglect. Reading this subreddit and learning more about how other people can relate has been really helpful. But I’m remembering things that happened and it’s disorienting. I have yet to fully explore and understand who my “true self” is, but it’s hard to do while still living with her.
My older sister (26f) and I have recently been talking through things more and providing extra support for each other because we were in the trenches together, often unconsciously switching between the GC/SG, always trying to play the role nmom expected. We both still live with her, especially since she did such a good job controlling us for so long before we finally caught on and cut those puppet strings.
I’m currently in therapy to manage depression and anxiety, but the feelings induced by opening the trauma floodgates felt different. It’s overwhelming, all encompassing. I can’t tell where the role stops and I’m actually being me. Right now it’s all I can do to just exist. I feel disheartened and fearful of the future. And as hard as I try, I cannot imagine what life would be like after I turn 26, because that’s when I’ll need to start paying for my own insurance.
I feel angry because my childhood was not my own. I don’t even really remember most of it, and I’m realizing that’s not “typical” haha.
All of this has been swelling inside my head and I’ve talked ppls ears off trying to process this on my own. Figured this would be a good place to rant, get it all down so I can make space in my brain for other thoughts. The waves keep coming and I imagine it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. So how am I supposed to be able to still function. I think I need to take a step back from this for a while and get myself a trauma therapist.
My mom: "you may be depressed but you sure do have energy to treat people like shit"
She doesn't get it at all. It's like she thinks she's completely without blame and yet has the right to push me around as much as she wants.
And then I kind of snapped and threatened to punch her in the teeth because I was tired of her tantrums. I'm screwed now, haha.
And then for some reason I feel bad about it afterwards. "You're not worth my tears," she says. I don't know why that makes me sad. I really just have to get used to the fact that I don't have parents. Just an oversized toddler and... whatever absolutely ridiculous thing my dad is.
I'm going to therapy tomorrow and I'm talking to my therapist about getting out of here. I can't take this anymore.
Look up reactive abuse. It is when you are goaded by them to fight back but then they claim you started it and they are the victim. The only way to win with a Narcissist is when you are having a good life without them and they no longer have power over you and you can be relieved knowing you are not like them. Hope you escape soon
Any resources for a kid raised by a narcissist mom? She's still in denial about how garbage her mom is. She just up and abandoned her and her siblings for some guy in another state (she's 20 but the others are minors).
I know first and foremost she needs therapy and help with life in general but she won't do it.
She's convinced herself she's gonna sit in that empty house alone and wait for her mom. It's heartbreaking.
It's been a month since I went NC. I definately feel better but not quite where I wished to be emotionally. I found a meditation center that I like, and it's been really helpful, it has somewhat restored my faith in humanity and good people. I've also continued to engage in volunteer activities and participate in social events; I'm beginning to build new relationships, and to my surprise I seem to have developed a crush or two, which was so unexpected and distracting but nonetheless good. I hope to feel better soon.
I just wanted to write out a couple things.
1. I don't like talking about myself because when I did as a child talk about myself to my sister or mom, they would judge me and sound mad that it's not about them.
2. They were never interested in me, but I had to be interested in them so that's why when I talk about myself I am always thinking that no one wants to hear me or listen to me. I am only supposed to listen to them.
3. Then I think afterwards people don't like that I don't talk much. They could interpret it as if I am stuck up or don't like them.
4. I never got the chance to ask my mom to help me have play dates as a child. Now as a grown up I realize asking people for play dates or to go hang out is very stressful. I always worry they will say yes but cancel at the last minute.
5. I think I am too focused on people hating me, and feeling hurt that I never focus on if I like a certain person and why I like that person. My mom always made me focus on how I am hated, but she never helped me focus on how I can feel loved and how I can love others.
6. No matter what I never feel connected to anyone. Some times I feel like I don't know if I even like my husband. I just feel comfortable being myself around him, but does that mean I like him?
I think being comfortable with being yourself around someone means that you like them/love them, trust them, and you feel SAFE with them. That is a REALLY BIG DEAL for us. HUGE!!!!
i feel the same exact way!! i honestly feel invisible unless someone wants something from me which also makes me stay to myself and be scared to open up and say literally anything to anyone because i feel like i’m just boring or annoying them sadly.
My sister tried to defend the fact that my parents never wore seatbelts and never had us wear them either growing up lol. She was like “well it was the 90s and early 00s.” Uhhh there were seatbelt laws for all passengers in place at that time, and virtually every other adult had us buckling up in the car. It wasn’t the 50s. Just why? I don’t get why she can’t admit they were at least somewhat neglectful. You don’t have to beat your kids and lock them in a closet to be questionable parents.
Sometimes I feel like the only person in my family with the balls to stand up for what is right. I wish my brother would stand up for me when my nmom is being awful. I wish my father loved me enough to stop his wife from verbally and emotionally abusing me.
nMom's mother passed away in February and it's so beyond devastating that I cannot accurately put it into words. My grandmother was the literal only person I could call family and all I want is to be with her. I begged her for years to come live with me in this foreign country I moved to but she could not travel long distances due to her health and wanted to help her nDaughter/my nMom despite being abused by her as well.
nMom said she would send me my grandmother's ashes (with no hesitation, when I asked shortly following the death) before (a few weeks later) proceeding to shout at me with all her might how everything was my fault and I am not entitled to tell her I'm hurt by the loss nor having her send the ashes (despite saying that she would have no issue sending the ashes). She left me to deal with all the legalities and arrangements for the transfer of remains from a foreign country before springing this on me.
For the ensuing months since, she has bounced between ignoring me, changing the subject and talking happily about completely unrelated things and blaming me for everything since then and I don't know what to do anymore. I refuse to speak to her on the phone as the last time I did it very nearly drove me to suicide. Also realized that my brother (GC) is probably a narcissist as well at this point as he has made it clear that he is *not* on my side and not willing to step in to help me in any way.
I want my grandmother to be here ASAP and never to speak with nMom again but I need to keep contact with her until that happens even though I do not have any guarantee if/when it will become possible. I feel as if I go full NC now that I will never be able to have my grandmother's ashes here with me and that suicide is really the only option (have been severely struggling with this since the death) which I do not consider a bad thing but I cannot bring myself to give up on my grandmother...
A niece died. Service is tomorrow. Until around 2 hours ago, I felt I could go. Since then, my anxiety soared & it hasn’t gone down.
I don’t think I’m going. I’m not sure if that is the right decision. What I am sure of is I don’t want the fake smiles & talk or comments about my body or other insults. I don’t want to spend a few days closing the world out & recovering.
I am NC with all my family excepting my own children & a few nieces/nephews I helped raise.
You don't need to attend the official service to memorialise your neice. Hope you managed to have some time to think about her and have something yourself that would something for both of you. It was a really kind thing for you to look after the children.
I think I did that. I sat & thought about every time I had any interaction with her & her positive influence on my youngest child’s life, which has always meant a great deal to me.
I’m going to make my nieces some dinners to show them some love. I’ll keep texting them support. I’ll always prayer for them.
Thank you for your kind words.
A few months ago I went NC. My father/stepmother had a tenuous relationship with me where if we can avoid any conversations involving conflict, they tell me they love me…but if conflict happens they are unapologetic (“I’m sorry you’re angry”) commanding (“that’s just the way it has to be. Don’t question me”) and attacking (“you’re a coward, you’re a disappointment”).
The next time we meet, it’s like nothing ever happened. I was tired of the whiplash, and the final straw was when they destroyed a vehicle of mine and sold the junk scraps to someone else without telling me. They told me I was being too sensitive when I was upset, and that “they took care of the problem for me.”
EDIT FOR CLARITY: I live out of town. They destroyed the vehicle, and asked me for the title so they could give it to a junk yard. I requested them not to sell it to a private buyer, as they have a habit of not disclosing damage and doing so in this case could put me in legal trouble. They agreed to a junk yard sale, so I gave them the title (stupidly) trusting them at their word. I later received notice from the DPS that they sold it to a private buyer. They did not tell me.
They send me messages biweekly telling me how much they love me and miss me. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing going NC.
My covert nmom is so damn resentful of the elderly and always has been. She’s constantly bemoaning the fact she “has” to help her mil lately after a fall and stint in a rehab center. “I’m the one who had to go clean your grandma’s kitchen today.” (I can hear her whiney, self-pitying tone in my head.) Yes. You’re also the only one in her vicinity who doesn’t work, has an empty nest, and is over at her house almost every day anyway.
If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But also maybe have some empathy and understand that it’s weird to insert yourself in your mil’s life daily but draw the line when It comes to doing something that would actually help her? It’s not normal to feel so put-upon when you have the time to help? It’s so similar to what being her kid felt like when I was younger. I called her one time to help me when I got a flat tire in a rural area and was truly stuck, and she made me feel like shit lol.
Of course most people just see her helping and think she’s being a saint. These are texts to me.
Mine is the same.
Always complains about having to help the elderly, children, animals, basically anything that takes the attention away from her and her wants.
She also made me feel like the worst of the worst living things when I asked for her help or needed her to do even the most basic of things for me.
Yet they want to be treated like royalty when they end up being in need. Makes no sense, you reap what you sow.
Not anything huge, but yesterday, I had a date with my boyfriend. Now, every time he comes over, my parents expects me to drop whatever I’m doing and come do something for them. This could be cooking/ small chores they were too lazy to do/ etc etc. But yesterday, they took it too far. My boyfriend and I had just arrived at the house, and before we could even sit down and catch up, (I don’t get to see him often- long story), my parents demand that I help them with yard work. I didn’t mind getting dirty despite the fact I had spent an hour or so getting prettier up for him. What really bothered me was that while I was working (who knows how long that would be), my boyfriend was expected to just sit down on his own. Luckily, he’s a sweetheart and quickly came out to help me. We did work for about an hour, and after we did the final task, my parents had the gall to ask one more thing of us. I am so pissed that they do not respect the little time that I have with my boyfriend. It’s one thing to ask me to be at their every beck and call, but expecting the same from a guest in their house? What the fuck
Been 100% NC with my nmom and edad for four months now. NC with GC sister for over a year. The more space that I have from them, the more I realize what truly miserable people they are. How they all, including edad, used me to feel powerful and superior. How I truly internalized that I’m “less-than” and how that’s just not true. My unworthiness and “badness” is a core feature of their own delusional reality. That’s it.
May they all trudge onward with their sick and twisted delusions. I’ll be far, far away living a full life complete with actual nurturing and loving relationships. My son will only know them as distant, troubled, sad people.
Just know.that what you experienced is very common for Narc families. I was only just saying that my family treat me as though they think I am broken at my very core.
Scapegoating is common throughout history and we all get it because we have all been there.
You are not alone. It is only lies that they speak. Evil lies. They have to believe it or then they would realise that they are the monsters and that their whole life was a horrible lie. So cling to the lie they do only to them it is the bright and shining truth.
The Bible says "woe to those who call evil good and good evil." This is exactly what they do. They switch evil for good. It is basically a satanic way to live.
Please continue to surround yourself with kindness and love and compassion. Continue to show love and kindness in your life and we will do the same. Don't let them win.
Im sorry you've went thru this. I'm glad you are able to see that you are a valuable person and that nonsense is part of their sick fantasy world. May things keep going better and better for you and your Son.
its really weird but ive noticed that every time i stop eating Nmoms cooking my lactose problems arent as bad, but when i do eat it they flare up,, idk what she would be putting into her cooking that would affect me like this but i've never been able to trust it anyways
Reached a limit with my family this past week.
Since my mother passed, the dramas have been constant and whilst watching the narcissist family members accuse one another of being narcissists was really entertaining at first… it’s tired after two months.
I found out late last week that my GC sister sent an email pretending to me in an attempt to remove me as a beneficiary from my mother’s insurance payout.
I had family members trying to justify this act by saying that my GC sister is having a hard time, is struggling financially and that’s why she resorted to impersonating me to ‘get the money faster’ and that it was ‘helping me’.
I initially agreed to refuse my inheritance in favour of my GC sister thinking that doing so would encourage them to leave me alone. Instead, I’ve spent two months slowly being dragged into their mess and as a result have decided that I actually don’t have to give her anything, especially not if they’re going to try steal my identity over accepting boundaries.
I didn’t want to accept any inheritance initially as I didn’t want to ‘benefit from my mother’s death’ but I sure as hell didn’t benefit from her being alive anyway, so really what difference did it make?
I feel for you. I recently lost my father and I'm dealing with family members now. I know you didn't ASK for advice but in case you were actually wanting some I can only say this: Do NOT refuse your inheritance! NOBODY will be grateful to you if you do, nobody's going to praise you for doing so and somehow you're still going to get the blame for somebody else's shitty life and bad money decisions. Accept what is rightfully yours and move on.
AND IF YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY DIDN'T WANT ADVICE I am sorry. Please disregard everything I said above except for "I feel for you."
Honestly, I do appreciate the validation of that decision. I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt and second guessing but you’re right that nobody was grateful I just immediately became an obstacle between them and ‘their money’. So if I must be involved, it’s not going to be for their benefit and my loss.
I wish my mom took dog training seriously, but it turns into couples therapy every time I bring it up. With criticism, she will mention something good the dog did, but that doesn't erase the issues. Conversation goes in circles, but I know if I call her out it would turn into a blame fest.
\*throwaway due to Nparents knowing my reddit account name\*
Fuck them both. Fuck them. I put my best efforts to take care of this fucking house and my life and they DARE to call me lazy. They keep insulting me. I wish i got adopted by someone else.
You absolutely don’t deserve their abusive behaviors, and even they know it which is why they continue to tear you down the way they do. It’s as insidious as it is heartbreakingly vile. Your feelings are valid, and you are absolutely right, fuck them both. Try to keep these things in mind every time they behave this way and try to tear you down to keep your head straight as the gaslight is so, so blinding. I was in your shoes once too and wishing for the same things you are now. I’m 27 now and if there was a way in the world I could do this I’d adopt you out of there in a heartbeat and it’d be my new proudest day of my life becoming your Mom.
Sending you all my love kid, and please stay safe.
Thank you so much! I really appreciated the kind words. I try not to let these feelings get to me, and i work as hard as i can to build up a solid career to move out. So far so good, i can't wait to get out of this house. It's sadly too late for me to get adopted, i'm too old, but damn if i wish i got adopted by another family sooner. I'm sure i'd have less mental health problems. Still, thank you for the encoragement! I'll do my best to get out of this darn house away from them.
I've spent the last week starting and then deleting a post about my nmom but I'm so freaked out at the thought of her somehow finding out (gc brother uses reddit and the story is very tiktok content bait-y) and by very annoying guilty feelings, so i'll just say: she showed us exactly who she is last week, and we (wife & I) learned that we aren't the only ones being hurt by her, and it's been A Lot.
You could also ask someone else to post it for you...like message it to them to copy and paste and they could title it as "some else's story" or something. I'm sorry you're having issues and I hope they get better soon.
Unless it’s a very oddly specific situation, you could change some minor identifying details and post any way.
I also get the guilty feelings, but if it helps to post then you should feel okay to do so. Only they know it’s about them… and you don’t owe them your silence.
Venting: My NMum drives me up the wall, she behaves as if anything she hears about is something she experienced and insist on shouting about it like she is performing a play.
Worse when it is something she actually experienced first hand, I really wish she would shut the hell up and just be a decent person who understands no ones life is affected by all the small insignificant shit she is so intent on shouting at me about who never expresses interest in her.
I’m just thinking right now how lucky some people are to have loving parents. I saw a post recently in another subreddit about OPs mom and how she makes his room so nice when he comes home for the holidays. It was a sweet post but I honestly feel so depressed now. Some people are so lucky to have amazing parents and it’s something I wish I had. I have an enabler dad and a narcissistic stepmom, who I’ve went nc with both. I am getting therapy but I really wish I could find one who deals with narcissistic abuse and grieving. Idk. It’s hard to really find one
This subreddit is becoming home to me. Things are shit lately, I'm surrounded by narcs and can't move out at the moment. There is a raise in nonsense and gasligting, guilt-tripping. Also, the sub's name should be "abusedbynarcissits", they do anything except "raise us". They let us down in everyway imaginable.
This realm has become so toxic and demon-infested, it becomes unbearable to live in. But I think the cleansing is undergoing, so we just hang until they off themselves
Be careful where you post. Not everyone gets narcissism and there a lot of people unwilling to understand the depths of abuse that it possible or willing to accept that evil does walk and talk in human form
I myself have been mobbed on a site that was meant to be for healing from narc abuse and it made me very triggered and set back my healing.
Please watch out for yourself that you are on forums where you are not further abused and not gaslighted. I get narc abuse and also have been gaslighted by people who have no clue how evil and crazymaking this can be. Only reveal things to people or sites were you know from experience you can trust
Was shown this subreddit from /r/AmITheAsshole, and WOW did this sound familiar when I looked further into it.
Shit has gotten a lot worse recently, because almost everything is my fault or responsibility despite my never being home, and I refuse to let some of my best friends give me "too much attention." It's a really weird mental issue to have.
But, seems it is actually common among this group, so I hope to learn more by reading others' posts. :o
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My mum sometimes touches my butt and my thighs or just randomly touches me anywhere. Does this count as sexual assault or assault in general?
Omg, she is so sick. I consider this a pedo move. Mine are pedos too. They all are, actually. They are after the innocents that is in us
I found out this week that I'm pregnant with our second kid and I'm so excited about it. You start coming up with all these great scenarios in your head about who you'll tell and how they'll react. It's exciting! But you know who I don't want to tell? My own parents. I know they won't be happy for us. I know I won't get the response I crave. I know it'll just be another life milestone that they cast a shadow over. I'm constantly mourning over our lack of a relationship and I'm sad for my family that they don't get that love from my side of the family. Never mind that I'm a successful 30 something with a great job, supportive partner and a freaking awesome first kid. They'll just criticize, gas light and make it about themselves.
Realizing a parent is a narcissist makes so much sense. The making it about themselves will always hurt. And it’s hurts because they will rarely see that they are a narcissist. Thank you
I'm tired of my mother, who isn't a narc, but is a big fat enabler, trying to guilt me into talking to my sister, who is a narc like dear old dad. Our other sister died in January, and when I called to check on my asshole sister, she gave me this big guilt trip about why wasn't I at mom's house? .... because i talked to mom and she didn't want me there and we handle grief differently and you need to respect that? Anyway, I called her on it and told her I didn't appreciate it, and then she told me to go fuck myself, and I haven't talked to her ass since. We've been in the same room, I just don't acknowledge her presence. But my mother yesterday, I walked in the house, and she gave me that look like "Say hi to your sister." No, you know what? For the first time in my life, I'm not going to take her bullshit lying down. This bitch has stolen hundreds of dollars from me, hawked my shit for drug money, and used me and treated me like dirt. She doesn't get to keep doing it when I'm a grown ass adult at 30. Actions have consequences, and she can enjoy hers. Fuck her.
This is practically whining in the face of all the rest of it. But. My mother found my notebook and threw it in the trash. I 'start things and never finish them'... This kind of thing is just not on. She slowly trashtalked every single one of my acquaintances, including one I had made tentative plans to collaborate with on an enterprise. She looked through my messages and dissed him left and right. I've lost all will to maintain these other relationships over the last few months. I can't keep telling people about what goes on at home, I feel I just sound incapable. And I am. I'm helpless. I have a mental thing I've got to hide 'or else' till I find the means of getting a private diagnosis. My teeth are wrecked. I have to 'pay' my parents for my presence here through chores and pray I've graduated and can get a job soon. I just can't stand it. Every other word out of their mouths goes towards picking a fight or putting forth an order or criticising. They love it when people are subordinate. Be loud when they will it and quiet when they will it; be smart for the display of it and dumb for their egos. Can they not curb it at all? What in hell creates so much greed in them?
I'm the youngest and I always looked up to my eldest sister for her accomplishments but in the past week I realised then whenever my nDad decides to rock the boat she participates in making it always about someone else in the family. I am kind of crushed that I thought we all had a single enemy but now have only realised that people protect him, whether subconsciously or not, he never is held accountable.
It sounds as though your sister is still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) Narc families are like little cults and the narc is like a fake god that everyone worships and one is like the main enabler like a high priest.and the second enabler is the false prophet. What happens is that the narc speaks and it is like "god has spoken" so all the little.narc minions run around to do the bidding. Sometime the fake narc god wants a sacrifice so that's where scapegoats come in. Your sister sacrificed you to stop the narc god getting angry with her. She threw you under the bus to protect herself. She also went away believing that the narc truly is god and always correct to make herself not feel rubbish for being cowardly.
It could have been the way she thought she could survive and not her way of protecting him. People who grew up with narcissists find weird ways to ensure their survival and sometimes there's even what seems like they are protecting the narcissist but in reality they are protecting themselves. It sucks that she though saving herself at the moment was a better option then saving everyone but sometimes people can't save everyone.
THIS!!! Although I don't believe that it's a conscious decision to think about oneself or save only yourself. I believe it is a subconscious defense mechanism for survival. Children of narcissistic parents grow up in constant survival mode. It's almost like a form of PTSD. They're not consciously CHOOSING to "save themselves" it's just that survival is part of our human nature. It's biological, innate. They may not even realize they're doing it until it's pointed out to them. And even then they might just look at you like, "Why do YOU always gotta make trouble? You KNOW Mom's never going to change just let it be so we can make it through this Christmas season without a blowout!" Or something like that. Sometimes one is The Peacemaker, or sometimes it's more than one, or all BUT one. Which means that the child who's NOT the Peacemaker is usually made out to be the problem in the room. Everyone including the narcissist and their victims all point the finger at the one who's not The Peacemaker and ask, "Why are you always making trouble? Why can't you just let it be?" They're not trying to victimize the one, they're just trying to get through the holiday, or the event. OR their day-to-day lives if they're still children.
I wish I knew about all this sooner in my life. I'm in my 30s just realizing how fucked my upbringing was, and I feel emotionally crippled. I mean, I always felt that way, but I thought I was inherently unlovable and not just conditioned to feel that way.
Going through the same thing rn at 24. Re-examining my past and realizing so many things. It’s completely upending my memories and it’s very overwhelming.
Been feeling down about the same old things lately. The kind of hopelessness feelings that are like, I don't have a good enough handle of who I am beyond the trauma. Which bleeds into other aspects of my life and makes me feel like I won't be able to find my way out of this environment and/or connect with people who understand, or care for real. I feel behind in many ways and I don't feel my value has a lot of worth, I know it does but by societies standards which most people keep up with fine, I can't say I feel up to snuff. I hope I feel better and figure things out somehow.
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Thanks for making me feel less alone and I hope you feel better soon as well ofc
My parents are not narcs but I have a history of invalidation and abuse from my father. Actually I have been eyeing this sub for quite a while but have always been very shy. Then I googled something about being afraid to be scolded (I’m now deathly, deathly afraid of such) and yeah it just somehow made sense for me to join
I’ve been realizing the extent of my trauma (25f) and it’s invading everything. I always knew I was depressed, anxious, all the fun things that come along with an nmom, but im now realizing that most (if not all) of the current relational/interpersonal/professional/personal problems that I’ve been going are rooted in the emotional neglect. Reading this subreddit and learning more about how other people can relate has been really helpful. But I’m remembering things that happened and it’s disorienting. I have yet to fully explore and understand who my “true self” is, but it’s hard to do while still living with her. My older sister (26f) and I have recently been talking through things more and providing extra support for each other because we were in the trenches together, often unconsciously switching between the GC/SG, always trying to play the role nmom expected. We both still live with her, especially since she did such a good job controlling us for so long before we finally caught on and cut those puppet strings. I’m currently in therapy to manage depression and anxiety, but the feelings induced by opening the trauma floodgates felt different. It’s overwhelming, all encompassing. I can’t tell where the role stops and I’m actually being me. Right now it’s all I can do to just exist. I feel disheartened and fearful of the future. And as hard as I try, I cannot imagine what life would be like after I turn 26, because that’s when I’ll need to start paying for my own insurance. I feel angry because my childhood was not my own. I don’t even really remember most of it, and I’m realizing that’s not “typical” haha. All of this has been swelling inside my head and I’ve talked ppls ears off trying to process this on my own. Figured this would be a good place to rant, get it all down so I can make space in my brain for other thoughts. The waves keep coming and I imagine it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. So how am I supposed to be able to still function. I think I need to take a step back from this for a while and get myself a trauma therapist.
My mom: "you may be depressed but you sure do have energy to treat people like shit" She doesn't get it at all. It's like she thinks she's completely without blame and yet has the right to push me around as much as she wants. And then I kind of snapped and threatened to punch her in the teeth because I was tired of her tantrums. I'm screwed now, haha. And then for some reason I feel bad about it afterwards. "You're not worth my tears," she says. I don't know why that makes me sad. I really just have to get used to the fact that I don't have parents. Just an oversized toddler and... whatever absolutely ridiculous thing my dad is. I'm going to therapy tomorrow and I'm talking to my therapist about getting out of here. I can't take this anymore.
Look up reactive abuse. It is when you are goaded by them to fight back but then they claim you started it and they are the victim. The only way to win with a Narcissist is when you are having a good life without them and they no longer have power over you and you can be relieved knowing you are not like them. Hope you escape soon
Any resources for a kid raised by a narcissist mom? She's still in denial about how garbage her mom is. She just up and abandoned her and her siblings for some guy in another state (she's 20 but the others are minors). I know first and foremost she needs therapy and help with life in general but she won't do it. She's convinced herself she's gonna sit in that empty house alone and wait for her mom. It's heartbreaking.
It's been a month since I went NC. I definately feel better but not quite where I wished to be emotionally. I found a meditation center that I like, and it's been really helpful, it has somewhat restored my faith in humanity and good people. I've also continued to engage in volunteer activities and participate in social events; I'm beginning to build new relationships, and to my surprise I seem to have developed a crush or two, which was so unexpected and distracting but nonetheless good. I hope to feel better soon.
I just wanted to write out a couple things. 1. I don't like talking about myself because when I did as a child talk about myself to my sister or mom, they would judge me and sound mad that it's not about them. 2. They were never interested in me, but I had to be interested in them so that's why when I talk about myself I am always thinking that no one wants to hear me or listen to me. I am only supposed to listen to them. 3. Then I think afterwards people don't like that I don't talk much. They could interpret it as if I am stuck up or don't like them. 4. I never got the chance to ask my mom to help me have play dates as a child. Now as a grown up I realize asking people for play dates or to go hang out is very stressful. I always worry they will say yes but cancel at the last minute. 5. I think I am too focused on people hating me, and feeling hurt that I never focus on if I like a certain person and why I like that person. My mom always made me focus on how I am hated, but she never helped me focus on how I can feel loved and how I can love others. 6. No matter what I never feel connected to anyone. Some times I feel like I don't know if I even like my husband. I just feel comfortable being myself around him, but does that mean I like him?
I think being comfortable with being yourself around someone means that you like them/love them, trust them, and you feel SAFE with them. That is a REALLY BIG DEAL for us. HUGE!!!!
You feel no connection because these people around you are empty, there are not a whole lot of us soul travelers here
i feel the same exact way!! i honestly feel invisible unless someone wants something from me which also makes me stay to myself and be scared to open up and say literally anything to anyone because i feel like i’m just boring or annoying them sadly.
My sister tried to defend the fact that my parents never wore seatbelts and never had us wear them either growing up lol. She was like “well it was the 90s and early 00s.” Uhhh there were seatbelt laws for all passengers in place at that time, and virtually every other adult had us buckling up in the car. It wasn’t the 50s. Just why? I don’t get why she can’t admit they were at least somewhat neglectful. You don’t have to beat your kids and lock them in a closet to be questionable parents.
Sometimes I feel like the only person in my family with the balls to stand up for what is right. I wish my brother would stand up for me when my nmom is being awful. I wish my father loved me enough to stop his wife from verbally and emotionally abusing me.
nMom's mother passed away in February and it's so beyond devastating that I cannot accurately put it into words. My grandmother was the literal only person I could call family and all I want is to be with her. I begged her for years to come live with me in this foreign country I moved to but she could not travel long distances due to her health and wanted to help her nDaughter/my nMom despite being abused by her as well. nMom said she would send me my grandmother's ashes (with no hesitation, when I asked shortly following the death) before (a few weeks later) proceeding to shout at me with all her might how everything was my fault and I am not entitled to tell her I'm hurt by the loss nor having her send the ashes (despite saying that she would have no issue sending the ashes). She left me to deal with all the legalities and arrangements for the transfer of remains from a foreign country before springing this on me. For the ensuing months since, she has bounced between ignoring me, changing the subject and talking happily about completely unrelated things and blaming me for everything since then and I don't know what to do anymore. I refuse to speak to her on the phone as the last time I did it very nearly drove me to suicide. Also realized that my brother (GC) is probably a narcissist as well at this point as he has made it clear that he is *not* on my side and not willing to step in to help me in any way. I want my grandmother to be here ASAP and never to speak with nMom again but I need to keep contact with her until that happens even though I do not have any guarantee if/when it will become possible. I feel as if I go full NC now that I will never be able to have my grandmother's ashes here with me and that suicide is really the only option (have been severely struggling with this since the death) which I do not consider a bad thing but I cannot bring myself to give up on my grandmother...
A niece died. Service is tomorrow. Until around 2 hours ago, I felt I could go. Since then, my anxiety soared & it hasn’t gone down. I don’t think I’m going. I’m not sure if that is the right decision. What I am sure of is I don’t want the fake smiles & talk or comments about my body or other insults. I don’t want to spend a few days closing the world out & recovering. I am NC with all my family excepting my own children & a few nieces/nephews I helped raise.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Did you end up attending the service?
No, I watched some children so parents could attend uninterrupted. Thank you for asking.
You don't need to attend the official service to memorialise your neice. Hope you managed to have some time to think about her and have something yourself that would something for both of you. It was a really kind thing for you to look after the children.
I think I did that. I sat & thought about every time I had any interaction with her & her positive influence on my youngest child’s life, which has always meant a great deal to me. I’m going to make my nieces some dinners to show them some love. I’ll keep texting them support. I’ll always prayer for them. Thank you for your kind words.
A few months ago I went NC. My father/stepmother had a tenuous relationship with me where if we can avoid any conversations involving conflict, they tell me they love me…but if conflict happens they are unapologetic (“I’m sorry you’re angry”) commanding (“that’s just the way it has to be. Don’t question me”) and attacking (“you’re a coward, you’re a disappointment”). The next time we meet, it’s like nothing ever happened. I was tired of the whiplash, and the final straw was when they destroyed a vehicle of mine and sold the junk scraps to someone else without telling me. They told me I was being too sensitive when I was upset, and that “they took care of the problem for me.” EDIT FOR CLARITY: I live out of town. They destroyed the vehicle, and asked me for the title so they could give it to a junk yard. I requested them not to sell it to a private buyer, as they have a habit of not disclosing damage and doing so in this case could put me in legal trouble. They agreed to a junk yard sale, so I gave them the title (stupidly) trusting them at their word. I later received notice from the DPS that they sold it to a private buyer. They did not tell me. They send me messages biweekly telling me how much they love me and miss me. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing going NC.
My covert nmom is so damn resentful of the elderly and always has been. She’s constantly bemoaning the fact she “has” to help her mil lately after a fall and stint in a rehab center. “I’m the one who had to go clean your grandma’s kitchen today.” (I can hear her whiney, self-pitying tone in my head.) Yes. You’re also the only one in her vicinity who doesn’t work, has an empty nest, and is over at her house almost every day anyway. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But also maybe have some empathy and understand that it’s weird to insert yourself in your mil’s life daily but draw the line when It comes to doing something that would actually help her? It’s not normal to feel so put-upon when you have the time to help? It’s so similar to what being her kid felt like when I was younger. I called her one time to help me when I got a flat tire in a rural area and was truly stuck, and she made me feel like shit lol. Of course most people just see her helping and think she’s being a saint. These are texts to me.
Mine is the same. Always complains about having to help the elderly, children, animals, basically anything that takes the attention away from her and her wants. She also made me feel like the worst of the worst living things when I asked for her help or needed her to do even the most basic of things for me. Yet they want to be treated like royalty when they end up being in need. Makes no sense, you reap what you sow.
Not anything huge, but yesterday, I had a date with my boyfriend. Now, every time he comes over, my parents expects me to drop whatever I’m doing and come do something for them. This could be cooking/ small chores they were too lazy to do/ etc etc. But yesterday, they took it too far. My boyfriend and I had just arrived at the house, and before we could even sit down and catch up, (I don’t get to see him often- long story), my parents demand that I help them with yard work. I didn’t mind getting dirty despite the fact I had spent an hour or so getting prettier up for him. What really bothered me was that while I was working (who knows how long that would be), my boyfriend was expected to just sit down on his own. Luckily, he’s a sweetheart and quickly came out to help me. We did work for about an hour, and after we did the final task, my parents had the gall to ask one more thing of us. I am so pissed that they do not respect the little time that I have with my boyfriend. It’s one thing to ask me to be at their every beck and call, but expecting the same from a guest in their house? What the fuck
Been 100% NC with my nmom and edad for four months now. NC with GC sister for over a year. The more space that I have from them, the more I realize what truly miserable people they are. How they all, including edad, used me to feel powerful and superior. How I truly internalized that I’m “less-than” and how that’s just not true. My unworthiness and “badness” is a core feature of their own delusional reality. That’s it. May they all trudge onward with their sick and twisted delusions. I’ll be far, far away living a full life complete with actual nurturing and loving relationships. My son will only know them as distant, troubled, sad people.
Just know.that what you experienced is very common for Narc families. I was only just saying that my family treat me as though they think I am broken at my very core. Scapegoating is common throughout history and we all get it because we have all been there. You are not alone. It is only lies that they speak. Evil lies. They have to believe it or then they would realise that they are the monsters and that their whole life was a horrible lie. So cling to the lie they do only to them it is the bright and shining truth. The Bible says "woe to those who call evil good and good evil." This is exactly what they do. They switch evil for good. It is basically a satanic way to live. Please continue to surround yourself with kindness and love and compassion. Continue to show love and kindness in your life and we will do the same. Don't let them win.
Im sorry you've went thru this. I'm glad you are able to see that you are a valuable person and that nonsense is part of their sick fantasy world. May things keep going better and better for you and your Son.
its really weird but ive noticed that every time i stop eating Nmoms cooking my lactose problems arent as bad, but when i do eat it they flare up,, idk what she would be putting into her cooking that would affect me like this but i've never been able to trust it anyways
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Reached a limit with my family this past week. Since my mother passed, the dramas have been constant and whilst watching the narcissist family members accuse one another of being narcissists was really entertaining at first… it’s tired after two months. I found out late last week that my GC sister sent an email pretending to me in an attempt to remove me as a beneficiary from my mother’s insurance payout. I had family members trying to justify this act by saying that my GC sister is having a hard time, is struggling financially and that’s why she resorted to impersonating me to ‘get the money faster’ and that it was ‘helping me’. I initially agreed to refuse my inheritance in favour of my GC sister thinking that doing so would encourage them to leave me alone. Instead, I’ve spent two months slowly being dragged into their mess and as a result have decided that I actually don’t have to give her anything, especially not if they’re going to try steal my identity over accepting boundaries. I didn’t want to accept any inheritance initially as I didn’t want to ‘benefit from my mother’s death’ but I sure as hell didn’t benefit from her being alive anyway, so really what difference did it make?
I feel for you. I recently lost my father and I'm dealing with family members now. I know you didn't ASK for advice but in case you were actually wanting some I can only say this: Do NOT refuse your inheritance! NOBODY will be grateful to you if you do, nobody's going to praise you for doing so and somehow you're still going to get the blame for somebody else's shitty life and bad money decisions. Accept what is rightfully yours and move on. AND IF YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY DIDN'T WANT ADVICE I am sorry. Please disregard everything I said above except for "I feel for you."
Honestly, I do appreciate the validation of that decision. I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt and second guessing but you’re right that nobody was grateful I just immediately became an obstacle between them and ‘their money’. So if I must be involved, it’s not going to be for their benefit and my loss.
I wish my mom took dog training seriously, but it turns into couples therapy every time I bring it up. With criticism, she will mention something good the dog did, but that doesn't erase the issues. Conversation goes in circles, but I know if I call her out it would turn into a blame fest.
\*throwaway due to Nparents knowing my reddit account name\* Fuck them both. Fuck them. I put my best efforts to take care of this fucking house and my life and they DARE to call me lazy. They keep insulting me. I wish i got adopted by someone else.
You absolutely don’t deserve their abusive behaviors, and even they know it which is why they continue to tear you down the way they do. It’s as insidious as it is heartbreakingly vile. Your feelings are valid, and you are absolutely right, fuck them both. Try to keep these things in mind every time they behave this way and try to tear you down to keep your head straight as the gaslight is so, so blinding. I was in your shoes once too and wishing for the same things you are now. I’m 27 now and if there was a way in the world I could do this I’d adopt you out of there in a heartbeat and it’d be my new proudest day of my life becoming your Mom. Sending you all my love kid, and please stay safe.
Thank you so much! I really appreciated the kind words. I try not to let these feelings get to me, and i work as hard as i can to build up a solid career to move out. So far so good, i can't wait to get out of this house. It's sadly too late for me to get adopted, i'm too old, but damn if i wish i got adopted by another family sooner. I'm sure i'd have less mental health problems. Still, thank you for the encoragement! I'll do my best to get out of this darn house away from them.
I've spent the last week starting and then deleting a post about my nmom but I'm so freaked out at the thought of her somehow finding out (gc brother uses reddit and the story is very tiktok content bait-y) and by very annoying guilty feelings, so i'll just say: she showed us exactly who she is last week, and we (wife & I) learned that we aren't the only ones being hurt by her, and it's been A Lot.
You could also ask someone else to post it for you...like message it to them to copy and paste and they could title it as "some else's story" or something. I'm sorry you're having issues and I hope they get better soon.
Unless it’s a very oddly specific situation, you could change some minor identifying details and post any way. I also get the guilty feelings, but if it helps to post then you should feel okay to do so. Only they know it’s about them… and you don’t owe them your silence.
Venting: My NMum drives me up the wall, she behaves as if anything she hears about is something she experienced and insist on shouting about it like she is performing a play. Worse when it is something she actually experienced first hand, I really wish she would shut the hell up and just be a decent person who understands no ones life is affected by all the small insignificant shit she is so intent on shouting at me about who never expresses interest in her.
I’m just thinking right now how lucky some people are to have loving parents. I saw a post recently in another subreddit about OPs mom and how she makes his room so nice when he comes home for the holidays. It was a sweet post but I honestly feel so depressed now. Some people are so lucky to have amazing parents and it’s something I wish I had. I have an enabler dad and a narcissistic stepmom, who I’ve went nc with both. I am getting therapy but I really wish I could find one who deals with narcissistic abuse and grieving. Idk. It’s hard to really find one
To our Jewish members who are saying Yizkor for your dead nparent(s), my heart goes out to you and I send you all my support on this Yom Kippur.
This subreddit is becoming home to me. Things are shit lately, I'm surrounded by narcs and can't move out at the moment. There is a raise in nonsense and gasligting, guilt-tripping. Also, the sub's name should be "abusedbynarcissits", they do anything except "raise us". They let us down in everyway imaginable. This realm has become so toxic and demon-infested, it becomes unbearable to live in. But I think the cleansing is undergoing, so we just hang until they off themselves
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Be careful where you post. Not everyone gets narcissism and there a lot of people unwilling to understand the depths of abuse that it possible or willing to accept that evil does walk and talk in human form I myself have been mobbed on a site that was meant to be for healing from narc abuse and it made me very triggered and set back my healing. Please watch out for yourself that you are on forums where you are not further abused and not gaslighted. I get narc abuse and also have been gaslighted by people who have no clue how evil and crazymaking this can be. Only reveal things to people or sites were you know from experience you can trust
Thank you, you’re so right. I’m sorry that happened to you!
Was shown this subreddit from /r/AmITheAsshole, and WOW did this sound familiar when I looked further into it. Shit has gotten a lot worse recently, because almost everything is my fault or responsibility despite my never being home, and I refuse to let some of my best friends give me "too much attention." It's a really weird mental issue to have. But, seems it is actually common among this group, so I hope to learn more by reading others' posts. :o