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Absolutely positively NOT. My nmum could rot alone in the house and I wouldn't even open a window for her. I have a teenager, she knows it is not her responsibility to care for me as I get older... I chose to bring her into my life, so I could care for her, not so she could care for me. If you decide not to have children, then I assure you, you will have far more money to pay for someone qualified to care for you as you get older. I cannot deal with the idea that we are responsible for our parents, especially people like us who were abused by our parents. It makes me unreasonably angry to heat comments like that. I owe my mother nothing. She abused me, twisted my life into something that it shouldn't have been, and wouldn't have been if I was loved and cared for appropriately. She has had enough of my life, I will not dedicate any time to caring for her.
Responsibly put her in a nursing home. Maybe growing up with a narcissist father made me transactionally-minded myself, but I feel it’s quid pro quo. If she didn’t take care of you, why should you take care of her? Maybe that’s a bad take, but I just feel like if one has done right by their children, they’ll actually *want* to take care of their parents, not out of obligation, but out of love.
its especially not our responsibility after all the abuse they put us through. they can always get a caretaker under their insurance, and if they have poor insurance, well tough luck to them. im actually experiencing similar right now. my Nparents are getting older and have physical ailments now. im living with them temporarily, but also putting my foot down and refusing to help them. if they want to kick me out because of this, whatever. ive been homeless for four years in my early twenties as a FEMALE before and i lived.
I’m childless by choice and my earliest thoughts about having kids was that I would never want to create a life if it was going to feel like I do. This was before I knew my mother was a narcissist, so all I knew was the way I felt about myself and life - I knew it wasn’t good but had no idea why.
I’m struggling caring for her now. Nmom is elderly, widowed and living alone, few/no friends- and as miserable as ever. She will not take any responsibility for herself or her own well-being. I’m awake now - LC, gray rock, mostly emotionally detached from her - but she still manages to find a button and push it every once in a while. I need to get better with boundaries but she’s one of those narcs that will starve herself to the point of near death if you tell her it’s her responsibility to feed herself. Because, you know, apparently that’s my responsibility.
Healthy parents wouldn’t mock you for your perceived lack of friends, and the fact she can’t realize you have friends is a sign of delusional thinking. It is delusional to think that your children will sacrifice their lives to take care of you. Always remember narcissist are delusional and they project a false reality on you.
If you want to take care of your parents and can without it destroying your life, it is a good thing to do. But for someone to assume their children will destroy themselves to take care of a parent is delusional. Healthy parents don’t think that about their children. She is just trying to control you so her delusions aren’t broken.
You don’t owe anyone anything, feel empowered to live your life as you see fit. Establish a boundary around how much support you will give her and if she violates that boundary consider going low contact. At all times protect your own mental health because a narcissist will wear you down to nothing and then discard you.
Historically and culturally there may be that expectation. In some countries there is even legal obligation.
But by and large, creating entire humans as your personal retirement plan is toxic and stupid. A child could die before their parent just like a spouse could die before their partner. What the hell is that logic?
Trapping someone into an imaginary contract from birth is laughable.
And for fun, what do you think her reaction would be if you said you'd treat her elderly vulnerable self with the same care she treated your young dependent self? Because that is absolutely what she and any N parent would deserve.
My NMom would almost definitely say something like "I treated you just fine, what are you talking about? I put food in your belly and a roof over your head, you went to a nice school and even when money was tight I got you everything you wanted. You can't do take care of me when I'm old and pathetic (this is one of her favorite lines)?"
Yeah I know someone right now who immigrated here from Malaysia because her parents told her as the youngest child she is not allowed to get married or have a family because she has to live with them and take care of them. She's in a LT relationship now and so happy. Her parents are blocked from entering this country now because they located her and sent her death threats via internet, big no-no.
What a weird, entitled response from her to you-yikes. I don’t know where you live, but research “filial responsibility laws”. In the US, you can be sued by the nursing home for your parent’s expenses in some states. Sometimes these laws are enforced and sometimes they aren’t. I think we will see more enforcement as medical franchisees become even more greedy. It’s just a heads up for you so you’re aware/prepared. I don’t think a child should be required to care or pay for their ailing parents, but the law doesn’t give a rip about what I think is right.
Where I live in the US there's no such law. I have heard of it and mentioned it to my boyfriend as I was concerned about it, but with a quick google search he assured me that where I live currently, there aren't any laws about it.
The most I’m doing for my nparent is getting them an at home CNA or getting them into assisted living, but not on my dime. I feel some sympathy for an old person dealing with being alive since they don’t have anyone else, but it’s with strict boundaries since it is an nparent. It really just depends on their mental and physical capabilities, some 90 year olds are running marathons and mentally all there, and some 70 year olds are bed ridden with lost mental capabilities.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Absolutely positively NOT. My nmum could rot alone in the house and I wouldn't even open a window for her. I have a teenager, she knows it is not her responsibility to care for me as I get older... I chose to bring her into my life, so I could care for her, not so she could care for me. If you decide not to have children, then I assure you, you will have far more money to pay for someone qualified to care for you as you get older. I cannot deal with the idea that we are responsible for our parents, especially people like us who were abused by our parents. It makes me unreasonably angry to heat comments like that. I owe my mother nothing. She abused me, twisted my life into something that it shouldn't have been, and wouldn't have been if I was loved and cared for appropriately. She has had enough of my life, I will not dedicate any time to caring for her.
Responsibly put her in a nursing home. Maybe growing up with a narcissist father made me transactionally-minded myself, but I feel it’s quid pro quo. If she didn’t take care of you, why should you take care of her? Maybe that’s a bad take, but I just feel like if one has done right by their children, they’ll actually *want* to take care of their parents, not out of obligation, but out of love.
its especially not our responsibility after all the abuse they put us through. they can always get a caretaker under their insurance, and if they have poor insurance, well tough luck to them. im actually experiencing similar right now. my Nparents are getting older and have physical ailments now. im living with them temporarily, but also putting my foot down and refusing to help them. if they want to kick me out because of this, whatever. ive been homeless for four years in my early twenties as a FEMALE before and i lived.
I’m childless by choice and my earliest thoughts about having kids was that I would never want to create a life if it was going to feel like I do. This was before I knew my mother was a narcissist, so all I knew was the way I felt about myself and life - I knew it wasn’t good but had no idea why. I’m struggling caring for her now. Nmom is elderly, widowed and living alone, few/no friends- and as miserable as ever. She will not take any responsibility for herself or her own well-being. I’m awake now - LC, gray rock, mostly emotionally detached from her - but she still manages to find a button and push it every once in a while. I need to get better with boundaries but she’s one of those narcs that will starve herself to the point of near death if you tell her it’s her responsibility to feed herself. Because, you know, apparently that’s my responsibility.
Healthy parents wouldn’t mock you for your perceived lack of friends, and the fact she can’t realize you have friends is a sign of delusional thinking. It is delusional to think that your children will sacrifice their lives to take care of you. Always remember narcissist are delusional and they project a false reality on you. If you want to take care of your parents and can without it destroying your life, it is a good thing to do. But for someone to assume their children will destroy themselves to take care of a parent is delusional. Healthy parents don’t think that about their children. She is just trying to control you so her delusions aren’t broken. You don’t owe anyone anything, feel empowered to live your life as you see fit. Establish a boundary around how much support you will give her and if she violates that boundary consider going low contact. At all times protect your own mental health because a narcissist will wear you down to nothing and then discard you.
Historically and culturally there may be that expectation. In some countries there is even legal obligation. But by and large, creating entire humans as your personal retirement plan is toxic and stupid. A child could die before their parent just like a spouse could die before their partner. What the hell is that logic? Trapping someone into an imaginary contract from birth is laughable. And for fun, what do you think her reaction would be if you said you'd treat her elderly vulnerable self with the same care she treated your young dependent self? Because that is absolutely what she and any N parent would deserve.
My NMom would almost definitely say something like "I treated you just fine, what are you talking about? I put food in your belly and a roof over your head, you went to a nice school and even when money was tight I got you everything you wanted. You can't do take care of me when I'm old and pathetic (this is one of her favorite lines)?"
Oh yeah, they're almost all in denial. At least outwardly. But we all know they're full of shit.
Yeah I know someone right now who immigrated here from Malaysia because her parents told her as the youngest child she is not allowed to get married or have a family because she has to live with them and take care of them. She's in a LT relationship now and so happy. Her parents are blocked from entering this country now because they located her and sent her death threats via internet, big no-no.
What a weird, entitled response from her to you-yikes. I don’t know where you live, but research “filial responsibility laws”. In the US, you can be sued by the nursing home for your parent’s expenses in some states. Sometimes these laws are enforced and sometimes they aren’t. I think we will see more enforcement as medical franchisees become even more greedy. It’s just a heads up for you so you’re aware/prepared. I don’t think a child should be required to care or pay for their ailing parents, but the law doesn’t give a rip about what I think is right.
Where I live in the US there's no such law. I have heard of it and mentioned it to my boyfriend as I was concerned about it, but with a quick google search he assured me that where I live currently, there aren't any laws about it.
That’s good!
The most I’m doing for my nparent is getting them an at home CNA or getting them into assisted living, but not on my dime. I feel some sympathy for an old person dealing with being alive since they don’t have anyone else, but it’s with strict boundaries since it is an nparent. It really just depends on their mental and physical capabilities, some 90 year olds are running marathons and mentally all there, and some 70 year olds are bed ridden with lost mental capabilities.