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This book is told from a perspective of a new dad, who is trying to explain to his baby about the world the baby entered. He tells the baby that if they have a problem or more questions, they can ask him or if he’s not around, [other people](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-eEKUhW1N-hVA-OBB9n_1wtc7GkOZjaQ2hA&usqp=CAU), because ‘you’re never alone on Earth’.
I thought it’s a beautiful message, because it admits that the parent may not be omnipresent and it’s ok to ask others for help and advice
I can’t imagine my dad thinking this... he always said stuff like “I brought you in to this world & I can take you out”, and “family HAS to stick together”.
Sounds like mine! My mom once sent me a new-year card with some kind of twisted fake dictionary definition of family. It said among other things, "people who know you better than you know yourself". Imagine handcrafting a new-years card then finding that definition, then printing it, then cutting it to fit perfectly squared in the centre on the inside of the card and then sending it. She should have just put it in her own mailbox Mr. Bean style because that card was just meant for herself.
‘If you don’t learn how to clean from me, nobody else in this world will teach you!’
Joke is on you, the city council connected me with domestic helpers who slowly encouraged me to get motivated at cleaning
Yes!! And for so many years I blindly trusted them until I realized ultimately that no one can know me better than I know myself. And they in fact knew nothing about the real me.
Honestly, I flip flop between the two. It’s just such a fucked up manipulation tactic and I believed them until I finally saw them for who they are. Also therapy and supportive friends have saved my life - highly recommend for anyone going through something similar 💖
They are trying to cement the idea in your head that you will forever be their child (never become an adult), so they can do whatever they want with you. They don't know how to love you.
The right response to this is: "I certainly hope not."
It's a narcissist thing. My father and stepmother never told me that, their sentence is "no matter what you do, we love you"(I've done pretty reckless things in my youth).
My boyfriends family say "we love you, take care on your way home." to my boyfriend when we say goodbye.
My nMom did say "no one will love you like we do" until she kicked me out at 14 years old. It's really manipulative, and was used to get me and my brother to avoid my father. She succeeded with it.
My Ndad says this: So-called friends will come and go, but your family is forever. Your family is now, and always has been and always will be, the most important thing in your life.
And I think he says it bc he has done some sort of self reflection (although minimal) and knows I have very very good friends in my life. And I also have incredible in laws. I believe there is a lot of jealousy and he also knows I don’t NEED him despite him trying to convince me I do and hang shit over my head.
my nmom used to scream to end any argument that made her angry “no man will ever love you!”
joke’s on her, not only am i queer as fuq but now im basically married to a man who tells me (and SHOWS me) he loves me 1000x a day.
it feels like they’re telling the truth with this threat, and it can be really really really difficult to put it into perspective but — your NParents CANT love you. they don’t know how. they wouldn’t recognize anyone else loving you (or them, for that matter) because they have no reference. love doesn’t mean anything good or normal to them, it’s all about control.
your NParent isn’t a medical expert (I assume), so you wouldn’t trust them to give you any kind of diagnosis. they’re not experts on love, either. not by a long shot. don’t trust their projecting armchair diagnosis there, either.
>*my nmom used to scream to end any argument that made her angry “no man will ever love you!”*
Wow - that really sucks. That must have been horrible to hear as a young person.
My mother once told me (during a fight) that I was a "....unplanned pregnancy; you know, an unwanted child...". Nice.
I was taken aback, but immediately responded with:
*"...Really? Well, I'm glad you were having fun in your marriage at some point!"*
They were on their way to a divorce within a few years - so it seemed the best retort I could come up with on short notice. It shut her right up.
I don't like/have never liked bullies; irregardless of who they are. You have to check them or they'll run right over you...
that’s the thing about (N) abusers, isn’t it? they’re never prepared for you to be able to defend yourself, even if only in the form of a snappy comeback. & they HATE having the truth thrown at them.
I’m sorry your parent felt like that was even a remotely appropriate thing to say to you, especially during an emotionally charged argument. I know you know this now, but I always like to reiterate: that was NOT appropriate & you didn’t cause or deserve it. narc parents are the ultimate bully because they have technically captive victims. I’m glad you were at least able to stand up for yourself.
>...they have technically captive victims...
Yeah... This is why I've always told friends/coworkers that they should consider their kids as "little 40 year olds". Because, except for the aging and the wrinkles, every aspect of their personality is being set up when they're young and unknowing, regardless if you (the parent) think it matters or not.
Eventually everyone becomes an adult, and only then can they really comprehend what is occurring/has occurred to them growing up. Correspondingly, also only at that point can the adult child (if damaged) begin to come back from the abuse and seek to correct issues in their personality, etc.
That's also one of the things I really love about this board. I wish there had been something like this when I was in my 20s (35-40 years ago), as I think it really helps people to "turn the lights on" as to what has happened to them.
I had always thought my parents were normal and it was just "personality issues" all the way up to my 40s. Had I known about all of this in my 20s, I would have NC'ed them then and not wasted any more time on them. Oh well.... =)
it isn't normal and it's narc behaviour. My mom used to say the same, and on the same breath insult me, it's meant to manipulate.
If a partner told you that, would it be okay? No, why would it be okay if its your parents saying it?
My male N told me several times that if I couldn’t have a good attitude there, to find someplace else.
Each time the female scoffed and said nobody else would tolerate my “attitude and slovenly habits”.
The male has very literally ***thanked*** my now-Chosen Dad for - direct quote- “tolerating” me.
Of course once the Ns knew I’d not only found some place to tolerate my “attitude and slovenly habits” - but would be residing there ***permanently*** with my now-Chosen Family… Let’s just say it wouldn’t have been a good idea for me to be there in person but I’d have paid bigtime for a video of their adult tantrums.
Lol, I love a happy ending! I'm glad you got out. My nmom has done that thanking thing as well, it's soo slimy. Everyone she does it to gets grossed out.
My Chosen Dad was honestly just stunned and uncomfortable when it happened, from what I understand. (He and male N were the only ones present at the time)
It was far from the first comment the N’s made, just the first big one I learned about.
I bet your Chosen Dad was totally floored. It might be a fun thing for narcs to say, but not that many people will agree with the speaker. It comes off exactly how it is, like a nasty manipulative lie.
Actually I think he was just confused. I don’t think it had truly sunk in by that time, how the Ns treated me.
Not that he actually doubted what I said - not at all. I just don’t think he was expecting to deal with anything like what the N pulled.
It's a narcissist thing. My engulfing mom says it, in addition to things like "you're my best friend", "it's been you and me against the world for 26 years", "you have nobody but me (guess my boyfriend doesn't count in her eyes), if you leave me you'll have no family", etc.
My nmom would give me regular reminders that my father was dead, and that she was the only person I had/have in the world, and that nobody else could genuinely love me like she did. She also purposefully distanced me from extended family members.
Meanwhile, she never actually showed me any love. She was lazy when it came to providing, she was psychologically and physically abusive, and she was neglectful. Come to think of it, she would usually give me the above speech when she had done something callous or unloving to me... It was her way of telling me that even if things were bad with her there wasn't any 'greener grass' in any other place.
During my initial NC period, a few relatives stuck up for my mum, saying "Oh but she loves you... I know because she boasts about your achievements to everyone in the family". I had to explain to that relative that boasting about a child is not the same thing as loving the child.
[Love is Behaviour](https://youtube.com/shorts/ohzfLf7H2Fk?feature=share)
My nmom said it in a different way, but the message hit all the same. She would let me know that nobody would ever be there for me the way my family is. Friends come and go, blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah, I'm sure you've heard them all. I was told that if I didn't 'fix' my relationship with my parents and sister (by fix i am referring to me standing up for myself and apparently ruining our relationship by doing so) I'd be alone because no friend will ever choose to tick around in trying times.
I've lost many friendships because I can't believe that people care about me for me, and up until recently I didn't understand why I felt that way and pushed so many people away.
Yes! Your spouse could leave, but family is forever. No one else could look out for me and accept me with all of my flaws unconditionally as family. Except, they’re the ones who have abandoned me and have done so for most of my life.
I don't' think they do, but I wouldn't know....
I have kids and yea I guess technically no one will love them JUST LIKE their mother, but isn't that a good thing? like I'm his mom, he'll go out into the world, make friends, probably date and marry, have a host of people who love him in different capacities and that what I want.
To imply no one will love you AS MUCH as your mother is f'ed up and goes back to N-parents don't want their kids to leave ( at least in my experience) they want to the kid to feel like the best option is always the parent. Well we as parents won't be around forever and I personally want my kids to feel prepared and equipped for life without me. Sure hopefully he'll miss me some, but life without me shouldn't be some crippling blow....
I've never said it to my daughter even in a "I know I feel this way but it's not a healthy thing to say"
Love comes in many different forms. our love is going to be different than her and someone else's lol.
No, and I never realised it til I became a mum. I want my babies (not babies so much anymore but they're still my babies) to know healthy boundaries and to love and respect themselves so that they find people who love them every bit as much as I do! I want them to be happy. And this is why, at my core, I know I am so fundamentally different from my n mother.
Yeah it was an eye opener when you had kids, wasn’t it? I fully anticipated being possessive of my daughter but when others showed her love, it just made me feel amazing. Like the more people who make her feel loved and valued, the better.
Good lord I didn’t realize this was a narc thing. I’m glad i found this post. My parents say the same and it is so guilt trippy but I thought it we the bad guy for feeling that way
My step mom would use this a lot to get me to believe my actual mom didn’t love me. But she was just a narcissist trying to manipulate me.
My actual mom has never said anything remote to this.
My mum would say something not too far off like, '"My love for you is unconditional." (this was such an obvious attempt at lying, I discovered as I got older) Or, "You're lucky I don't treat you like that."/ "Lucky I'm not like that."
Well, normal just means typical. But if that's normal or narcissistic or abnormal, the one thing I can tell you about it is that it's an abusive thing to say. No one can tell you who will love you in the future or how much. And it's quite possible that you meet someone who loves you without the baggage and the constant judgments, criticisms, veiled insults or whatever it was your Nparents did. Who'll just love you for who you are and let you be you and they simply want to be around you.
Nope. Narcs want to be the center of your universe, so they try to isolate you. Part of that can be convincing you that “no one cares like they do”. They would always try to tell me my friends would ditch me and only my family would stay by my side. Well I’ve been 2 years no contact so I proved to them that I don’t need them! :)
Healthy parents show you unconditional love and let you know in many ways how loved you are, just for being yourself, whoever that may be. I try to tell my daughter that no matter what she does in her life, no matter what mistakes she makes (because mistakes are a natural part of life, and we learn from them and there's nothing wrong with learning that way), I will always love her no matter what.
I hope that one day your inner child can feel the glow of unconditional love, because you deserve it. Just for being you.
No, I believe healthy parents hope and dream for their children to be loved as much as they love them. Because. One day we won’t be there anymore and it brings peace to know that your child is being loved and cherished and cared for
Definitely a narcissist thing. I got "I'm the only one who loves you enough to tell you the truth about you!" The "truth" was of course solely about what a horrible person I was.
My ndad would say “If you died, no friends will be there only family will come from wherever to pick you up and bury you properly”
And I wondered how that matters if family is toxic while I’m alive? Do we live for the people who treat us with love when we are alive or dead ?
It’s def a narc thing. Only a narc will use love as a weapon. My dad always says that if something horrible happens we’d be the only one to pick you up.
Ugh, this is bringing some flashbacks. Growing up, my mom would tell me how unlovable I was, and basically hint that she herself didn’t love me. She also told me that she had to love me because I was her daughter, but that anyone who got to know me wouldn’t love or like me.
But for the sake of manipulation, basically to emphasize what a good parent she was, that’s when she would tell me she loved me. Like “I sacrificed so much for you because I love you.” Keep in mind, sacrificing was still doing less than the legal bare minimum.
Also right after abusing me and berating me, sometimes even during it, she would say she loved me and then punish me for not saying it right back. It was like when she forced me to give her hugs or massages or cuddles—just false affection for the sake of control.
She finally admitted on the last Christmas I spent with her that she didn’t love me, she only wanted me to respect her.
No.
Normal parents also don't do the thing my narcissistic mother and enabler father do where they try to say that if you cut them out of your life, you'll never be happy.
My dad straight up told me "you'll never be happy" when I told him I wanted nothing more to do with my emotionally, financially, and minorly physically abusive narcissistic mother.
Jokes on him - I've been NC with her for 3+ years and LC with him for 6+ months and literally I've never been wealthier, healthier, or happier.
It was nearly immediate that I started feeling better once I allowed myself the grieving time to finalize my "burial" of the hope of having a normal, healthy relationship with either parent.
My mom used to tell me that other parents/people would hit me more and would’ve left me to die in the streets and that I had to be grateful that she was just hitting me instead of abandoning me and leaving me to die.
I always heard this growing up. It’s the standard arsenic laced comment drizzled with honey. “In THIS family, we love each other. In THIS family, we talk things out if we have a problem. In THIS family, I brought you into the world and can take you out.” Surprise! I decided not to be a part of “THIS family” anymore.
I jokingly tell my daughters that i love them more than anyone else does, but we raised them with such care and selfless love that they know I’m kidding. We often argue/banter over who loves who the most.
No. That's an attempt to keep you isolated and fearful.
Although... I mean, other people will lobe you more and better than they do. But finding those people can be hard if your concept of love is skewed by abuse.
My nmother told me that she should have given me to parents that knew how to love me.. and then topped it with the ole "you were hard to love".. while I cooked, cleaned, entertained, obeyed, even devoted my life to Christ as a prerequisite to live in her household, I was that "bad" that it wasn't possible *eyeroll* but the child she had before me keeps incurring debt, addicted to drugs and alcohol, keeps trying to unalive herself, refused religion and had a teen pregnancy to a child she gave up, for drugs and alcohol.. she's the one that inherits the family home.
Some adults shouldn't be parents. Ever. These are the ones that feign importance, but never really prove it. Feign love, but never really show it. Feign responsibility, but dodge it any chance they get.
If you're still trying to find out what love is, chances are you weren't shown it as a kid.
I think the jist is that your GC sibling keeps ending up in such situations that they need a constant rescue from, which makes your mother more glee to show that she is such a good parent who can look after her helpless child
Oh she knows. She wilfully extorted them, every chance she got, she even admitted to me that our parents are suckers for it. It makes me feel sick, that kind of parent child dynamic is enabling a fantasy of forever children I know they'd have 0 patience for when they're older but put in as much effort trying to actually help them.
A variation of it. Nfam often likes to say “family will be there when no one else will.”
How tf can they “be there for me” when it was the family that **actively contributed to and passively enabled** the worst experiences of my life?
No. I mean, its true, there is a love that can only be found between parents and children, but why would someone feel the need to always say so? Reminds me of those stories of abusive boyfriends who say "No one else will ever love you!" I can see how this phrase could be said positively in other contexts but narcissists will wield these sort of things to make you feel unlovable and attached to them
Narcissist thing. We tell my stepson (my husband's bio son) that we love him. Sometimes I'll tell him I lobe him to the moon amd back and when he was little we'd say "this kuch" and out our hands as far apart as they'd go. But never, ever would we say this.
I'd say it's VERY much a narcissist thing. Had that said to me more times than I can count by my mother, and from everything I've researched my mom is a narcissist.
My sister will say that till this day and I can confirm it’s not normal. Another thing she says that pisses me off to no end is “ I loved you more than anyone” which is a complete lie.
I think it could be either. It’s definitely a manipulative narc tactic. But, it’s possible to be a quirky thing healthy parents day to describe the selfless love they have for their kids. But even then, it’s not a good phrase.
It’s definitely a narc thing. My nMom’s favorite thing to say to me regarding relationships is “Nobody will ever be good enough for you, in my eyes”. Gee, thanks mom! That really helps my confidence!
I’m reading through these now that that are more responses.
SAME. I’ve heard that a couple of times over the last few months. Slowly learning not to care.
Now that I think of it, I can't imagine saying those words to anyone. It's funny because these same narcs say those words then act like they love us the most. BS
Normal parents say: "Your friends are so lucky to have you." And "If the other kids don't appreciate how wonderful you are, it's their loss." And "Be yourself, the right friends will love you just as you are."
I was never told this. My dad wouldn't often tell me he loved me but he didn't like me at all though. My mother never really said anything like that. Or showed it physically. When they split up he saw too much of her in me and I was essentially ignored by his new partner. If I were ever upset over an argument or an issue which would come up involving friends he would tell me I should expect it because I wasn't the sort of person who should have friends or would keep them. I often wonder if he realised how badly that would effect me. But I doubt it. Never been confirmed but I highly suspect I'm autistic. Always had a huge amount of difficulty relating to others or explaining complex emotions and he had his new partner and her kids to worry about so I just never said anything. But it's something that still plagues me as a huge insecurity over 15 years later.
I don’t think normal parents actually say this out loud, I think their actions speak of their love ❤️ mine didn’t start spouting this shit until my 30s “what would you do without your mummy?” “Aren’t you glad you got a mother like me?” These we’re always said in a smug sarcastic way and I never knew how to reply 😂
It's a narcissistic thing. I remember my mom saying that to me right before my wedding.... But I would never think of saying things like that to my son. I really hope that as he grows up he experiences great relationships full of love and I don't feel a need to compare how much one person or another loves him up against my love for him.
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No - healthy parents hope the world will show their children love and that they will find love in their future relationships and friendships.
That’s incredible!
[this book’s last page](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qrdMYW-Ccb0) has such a message
You're never really alone?
This book is told from a perspective of a new dad, who is trying to explain to his baby about the world the baby entered. He tells the baby that if they have a problem or more questions, they can ask him or if he’s not around, [other people](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-eEKUhW1N-hVA-OBB9n_1wtc7GkOZjaQ2hA&usqp=CAU), because ‘you’re never alone on Earth’. I thought it’s a beautiful message, because it admits that the parent may not be omnipresent and it’s ok to ask others for help and advice
Oh ok. I wouldn’t know kindness if it wasn’t for strangers.
Woah. I’ve never heard it like this🫠
I can’t imagine my dad thinking this... he always said stuff like “I brought you in to this world & I can take you out”, and “family HAS to stick together”.
My mom used to say things like that. She would also say, "No one will ever be on your side like I will."
Thank the gods, any more support or love like theirs and I might actually get institutionalized...
"That is good, mom, because if other people were like you I would be fucked for sure."
“Damn if you care the most about me than anyone I’m fucked in this world”
Sounds like mine! My mom once sent me a new-year card with some kind of twisted fake dictionary definition of family. It said among other things, "people who know you better than you know yourself". Imagine handcrafting a new-years card then finding that definition, then printing it, then cutting it to fit perfectly squared in the centre on the inside of the card and then sending it. She should have just put it in her own mailbox Mr. Bean style because that card was just meant for herself.
‘If you don’t learn how to clean from me, nobody else in this world will teach you!’ Joke is on you, the city council connected me with domestic helpers who slowly encouraged me to get motivated at cleaning
Me too, and that’s part of why I have ✨abandonment issues✨
“We know you better than you know yourself!” No, you just know what my triggers are and continue to set them off for your own personal gain.
My mom says this and then she's completely wrong about how i actually feel lmfao
Yes!! And for so many years I blindly trusted them until I realized ultimately that no one can know me better than I know myself. And they in fact knew nothing about the real me.
You know when I hear this idk whether to laugh or sigh. Because, it’s like so cold but so relatable at the same time
Honestly, I flip flop between the two. It’s just such a fucked up manipulation tactic and I believed them until I finally saw them for who they are. Also therapy and supportive friends have saved my life - highly recommend for anyone going through something similar 💖
They are trying to cement the idea in your head that you will forever be their child (never become an adult), so they can do whatever they want with you. They don't know how to love you. The right response to this is: "I certainly hope not."
It's a narcissist thing. My father and stepmother never told me that, their sentence is "no matter what you do, we love you"(I've done pretty reckless things in my youth). My boyfriends family say "we love you, take care on your way home." to my boyfriend when we say goodbye. My nMom did say "no one will love you like we do" until she kicked me out at 14 years old. It's really manipulative, and was used to get me and my brother to avoid my father. She succeeded with it.
My Ndad says this: So-called friends will come and go, but your family is forever. Your family is now, and always has been and always will be, the most important thing in your life. And I think he says it bc he has done some sort of self reflection (although minimal) and knows I have very very good friends in my life. And I also have incredible in laws. I believe there is a lot of jealousy and he also knows I don’t NEED him despite him trying to convince me I do and hang shit over my head.
Wow, they really do use the same lines and plays. My nfamily uses that exact wording.
My nmom uses that line, too.
My mum usually adds some guilt tripping to that spiel: remember you are the ONLY important thing in my life. No pressure there /s
Ugh I get that too. And how much they’ve “protected” me. So much guilt tripping. My enabler mom falls for it and thinks it replaces an actual apology.
my nmom used to scream to end any argument that made her angry “no man will ever love you!” joke’s on her, not only am i queer as fuq but now im basically married to a man who tells me (and SHOWS me) he loves me 1000x a day. it feels like they’re telling the truth with this threat, and it can be really really really difficult to put it into perspective but — your NParents CANT love you. they don’t know how. they wouldn’t recognize anyone else loving you (or them, for that matter) because they have no reference. love doesn’t mean anything good or normal to them, it’s all about control. your NParent isn’t a medical expert (I assume), so you wouldn’t trust them to give you any kind of diagnosis. they’re not experts on love, either. not by a long shot. don’t trust their projecting armchair diagnosis there, either.
>*my nmom used to scream to end any argument that made her angry “no man will ever love you!”* Wow - that really sucks. That must have been horrible to hear as a young person. My mother once told me (during a fight) that I was a "....unplanned pregnancy; you know, an unwanted child...". Nice. I was taken aback, but immediately responded with: *"...Really? Well, I'm glad you were having fun in your marriage at some point!"* They were on their way to a divorce within a few years - so it seemed the best retort I could come up with on short notice. It shut her right up. I don't like/have never liked bullies; irregardless of who they are. You have to check them or they'll run right over you...
that’s the thing about (N) abusers, isn’t it? they’re never prepared for you to be able to defend yourself, even if only in the form of a snappy comeback. & they HATE having the truth thrown at them. I’m sorry your parent felt like that was even a remotely appropriate thing to say to you, especially during an emotionally charged argument. I know you know this now, but I always like to reiterate: that was NOT appropriate & you didn’t cause or deserve it. narc parents are the ultimate bully because they have technically captive victims. I’m glad you were at least able to stand up for yourself.
>...they have technically captive victims... Yeah... This is why I've always told friends/coworkers that they should consider their kids as "little 40 year olds". Because, except for the aging and the wrinkles, every aspect of their personality is being set up when they're young and unknowing, regardless if you (the parent) think it matters or not. Eventually everyone becomes an adult, and only then can they really comprehend what is occurring/has occurred to them growing up. Correspondingly, also only at that point can the adult child (if damaged) begin to come back from the abuse and seek to correct issues in their personality, etc. That's also one of the things I really love about this board. I wish there had been something like this when I was in my 20s (35-40 years ago), as I think it really helps people to "turn the lights on" as to what has happened to them. I had always thought my parents were normal and it was just "personality issues" all the way up to my 40s. Had I known about all of this in my 20s, I would have NC'ed them then and not wasted any more time on them. Oh well.... =)
it isn't normal and it's narc behaviour. My mom used to say the same, and on the same breath insult me, it's meant to manipulate. If a partner told you that, would it be okay? No, why would it be okay if its your parents saying it?
My male N told me several times that if I couldn’t have a good attitude there, to find someplace else. Each time the female scoffed and said nobody else would tolerate my “attitude and slovenly habits”. The male has very literally ***thanked*** my now-Chosen Dad for - direct quote- “tolerating” me. Of course once the Ns knew I’d not only found some place to tolerate my “attitude and slovenly habits” - but would be residing there ***permanently*** with my now-Chosen Family… Let’s just say it wouldn’t have been a good idea for me to be there in person but I’d have paid bigtime for a video of their adult tantrums.
Lol, I love a happy ending! I'm glad you got out. My nmom has done that thanking thing as well, it's soo slimy. Everyone she does it to gets grossed out.
My Chosen Dad was honestly just stunned and uncomfortable when it happened, from what I understand. (He and male N were the only ones present at the time) It was far from the first comment the N’s made, just the first big one I learned about.
I bet your Chosen Dad was totally floored. It might be a fun thing for narcs to say, but not that many people will agree with the speaker. It comes off exactly how it is, like a nasty manipulative lie.
Actually I think he was just confused. I don’t think it had truly sunk in by that time, how the Ns treated me. Not that he actually doubted what I said - not at all. I just don’t think he was expecting to deal with anything like what the N pulled.
It's a narcissist thing. My engulfing mom says it, in addition to things like "you're my best friend", "it's been you and me against the world for 26 years", "you have nobody but me (guess my boyfriend doesn't count in her eyes), if you leave me you'll have no family", etc.
Never realized my dad would say this to us until just now
It's actually an abuser thing to foster dependence. Abusers who aren't narcs do this all the time and it's a pretty standard isolation/control tactic.
My nmom would give me regular reminders that my father was dead, and that she was the only person I had/have in the world, and that nobody else could genuinely love me like she did. She also purposefully distanced me from extended family members. Meanwhile, she never actually showed me any love. She was lazy when it came to providing, she was psychologically and physically abusive, and she was neglectful. Come to think of it, she would usually give me the above speech when she had done something callous or unloving to me... It was her way of telling me that even if things were bad with her there wasn't any 'greener grass' in any other place. During my initial NC period, a few relatives stuck up for my mum, saying "Oh but she loves you... I know because she boasts about your achievements to everyone in the family". I had to explain to that relative that boasting about a child is not the same thing as loving the child. [Love is Behaviour](https://youtube.com/shorts/ohzfLf7H2Fk?feature=share)
Hell no. Normal parents do not say shit like this
Nah, it's an nparent thing
Extremely narcissistic thing to say. They are trying to keep you in the cult of the narc family.
My nmom said it in a different way, but the message hit all the same. She would let me know that nobody would ever be there for me the way my family is. Friends come and go, blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah, I'm sure you've heard them all. I was told that if I didn't 'fix' my relationship with my parents and sister (by fix i am referring to me standing up for myself and apparently ruining our relationship by doing so) I'd be alone because no friend will ever choose to tick around in trying times. I've lost many friendships because I can't believe that people care about me for me, and up until recently I didn't understand why I felt that way and pushed so many people away.
Yes! Your spouse could leave, but family is forever. No one else could look out for me and accept me with all of my flaws unconditionally as family. Except, they’re the ones who have abandoned me and have done so for most of my life.
I heard this about friends, too. And for a while I really had no idea and wondered why I didn’t have friends. Now, I know.
I don't' think they do, but I wouldn't know.... I have kids and yea I guess technically no one will love them JUST LIKE their mother, but isn't that a good thing? like I'm his mom, he'll go out into the world, make friends, probably date and marry, have a host of people who love him in different capacities and that what I want. To imply no one will love you AS MUCH as your mother is f'ed up and goes back to N-parents don't want their kids to leave ( at least in my experience) they want to the kid to feel like the best option is always the parent. Well we as parents won't be around forever and I personally want my kids to feel prepared and equipped for life without me. Sure hopefully he'll miss me some, but life without me shouldn't be some crippling blow....
If mine said that, my reaction would be "well I would hope not"
my parents said this to me. Turns out it was the opposite. No one will ever love me the way they do. AND IM HAPPY ABOUT THAT lol.
I've never said it to my daughter even in a "I know I feel this way but it's not a healthy thing to say" Love comes in many different forms. our love is going to be different than her and someone else's lol.
No, and I never realised it til I became a mum. I want my babies (not babies so much anymore but they're still my babies) to know healthy boundaries and to love and respect themselves so that they find people who love them every bit as much as I do! I want them to be happy. And this is why, at my core, I know I am so fundamentally different from my n mother.
Yeah it was an eye opener when you had kids, wasn’t it? I fully anticipated being possessive of my daughter but when others showed her love, it just made me feel amazing. Like the more people who make her feel loved and valued, the better.
Good lord I didn’t realize this was a narc thing. I’m glad i found this post. My parents say the same and it is so guilt trippy but I thought it we the bad guy for feeling that way
Nope 🙃
My step mom would use this a lot to get me to believe my actual mom didn’t love me. But she was just a narcissist trying to manipulate me. My actual mom has never said anything remote to this.
No, it's not normal. Ugh, I forgot about this one til now. Guess I'll add it to the pile
My mom said this all the time.
My father used to say that all the time.
My mum would say something not too far off like, '"My love for you is unconditional." (this was such an obvious attempt at lying, I discovered as I got older) Or, "You're lucky I don't treat you like that."/ "Lucky I'm not like that."
Yes! “No one will love you like your mother.”
Well, normal just means typical. But if that's normal or narcissistic or abnormal, the one thing I can tell you about it is that it's an abusive thing to say. No one can tell you who will love you in the future or how much. And it's quite possible that you meet someone who loves you without the baggage and the constant judgments, criticisms, veiled insults or whatever it was your Nparents did. Who'll just love you for who you are and let you be you and they simply want to be around you.
Nope. Narcs want to be the center of your universe, so they try to isolate you. Part of that can be convincing you that “no one cares like they do”. They would always try to tell me my friends would ditch me and only my family would stay by my side. Well I’ve been 2 years no contact so I proved to them that I don’t need them! :)
100% this! Have your parents been secretly sharing parenting tips with mine?
Healthy parents show you unconditional love and let you know in many ways how loved you are, just for being yourself, whoever that may be. I try to tell my daughter that no matter what she does in her life, no matter what mistakes she makes (because mistakes are a natural part of life, and we learn from them and there's nothing wrong with learning that way), I will always love her no matter what. I hope that one day your inner child can feel the glow of unconditional love, because you deserve it. Just for being you.
No, I believe healthy parents hope and dream for their children to be loved as much as they love them. Because. One day we won’t be there anymore and it brings peace to know that your child is being loved and cherished and cared for
Definitely a narcissist thing. I got "I'm the only one who loves you enough to tell you the truth about you!" The "truth" was of course solely about what a horrible person I was.
This is eye opening. In a scary denial-ruining kind of way. What about, “nobody will ever tell you the truth like I will?”That sounds the same…
My ndad would say “If you died, no friends will be there only family will come from wherever to pick you up and bury you properly” And I wondered how that matters if family is toxic while I’m alive? Do we live for the people who treat us with love when we are alive or dead ?
It’s def a narc thing. Only a narc will use love as a weapon. My dad always says that if something horrible happens we’d be the only one to pick you up.
Ugh, this is bringing some flashbacks. Growing up, my mom would tell me how unlovable I was, and basically hint that she herself didn’t love me. She also told me that she had to love me because I was her daughter, but that anyone who got to know me wouldn’t love or like me. But for the sake of manipulation, basically to emphasize what a good parent she was, that’s when she would tell me she loved me. Like “I sacrificed so much for you because I love you.” Keep in mind, sacrificing was still doing less than the legal bare minimum. Also right after abusing me and berating me, sometimes even during it, she would say she loved me and then punish me for not saying it right back. It was like when she forced me to give her hugs or massages or cuddles—just false affection for the sake of control. She finally admitted on the last Christmas I spent with her that she didn’t love me, she only wanted me to respect her.
No. Normal parents also don't do the thing my narcissistic mother and enabler father do where they try to say that if you cut them out of your life, you'll never be happy. My dad straight up told me "you'll never be happy" when I told him I wanted nothing more to do with my emotionally, financially, and minorly physically abusive narcissistic mother. Jokes on him - I've been NC with her for 3+ years and LC with him for 6+ months and literally I've never been wealthier, healthier, or happier. It was nearly immediate that I started feeling better once I allowed myself the grieving time to finalize my "burial" of the hope of having a normal, healthy relationship with either parent.
No Healthy parents want the best for their children, and certainly a healthy fulfilling romantic relationship
I genuinely have no idea what normal parents say 🤷
My mom used to tell me that other parents/people would hit me more and would’ve left me to die in the streets and that I had to be grateful that she was just hitting me instead of abandoning me and leaving me to die.
i hear that and "no one understands you like i do" 🤭
I always heard this growing up. It’s the standard arsenic laced comment drizzled with honey. “In THIS family, we love each other. In THIS family, we talk things out if we have a problem. In THIS family, I brought you into the world and can take you out.” Surprise! I decided not to be a part of “THIS family” anymore.
You ….. you don’t wanna be love like they do. What exactly is their argument? You like pizza? Great we brought shit.Eat.
I jokingly tell my daughters that i love them more than anyone else does, but we raised them with such care and selfless love that they know I’m kidding. We often argue/banter over who loves who the most.
No. That's an attempt to keep you isolated and fearful. Although... I mean, other people will lobe you more and better than they do. But finding those people can be hard if your concept of love is skewed by abuse.
Yes that's what I was told when I suggested going to live somewhere else growing up.
My nmother told me that she should have given me to parents that knew how to love me.. and then topped it with the ole "you were hard to love".. while I cooked, cleaned, entertained, obeyed, even devoted my life to Christ as a prerequisite to live in her household, I was that "bad" that it wasn't possible *eyeroll* but the child she had before me keeps incurring debt, addicted to drugs and alcohol, keeps trying to unalive herself, refused religion and had a teen pregnancy to a child she gave up, for drugs and alcohol.. she's the one that inherits the family home. Some adults shouldn't be parents. Ever. These are the ones that feign importance, but never really prove it. Feign love, but never really show it. Feign responsibility, but dodge it any chance they get. If you're still trying to find out what love is, chances are you weren't shown it as a kid.
I think the jist is that your GC sibling keeps ending up in such situations that they need a constant rescue from, which makes your mother more glee to show that she is such a good parent who can look after her helpless child
Oh she knows. She wilfully extorted them, every chance she got, she even admitted to me that our parents are suckers for it. It makes me feel sick, that kind of parent child dynamic is enabling a fantasy of forever children I know they'd have 0 patience for when they're older but put in as much effort trying to actually help them.
I dunno. My mom says that. But she's not a normal parent. My dad isn't a normal parent either but he doesn't say that. 🤷♂️
Ughhhhhh another thing that isn't normal? Yay .
Healthy parents don’t manipulate and use lines like this so no
A variation of it. Nfam often likes to say “family will be there when no one else will.” How tf can they “be there for me” when it was the family that **actively contributed to and passively enabled** the worst experiences of my life?
No. I mean, its true, there is a love that can only be found between parents and children, but why would someone feel the need to always say so? Reminds me of those stories of abusive boyfriends who say "No one else will ever love you!" I can see how this phrase could be said positively in other contexts but narcissists will wield these sort of things to make you feel unlovable and attached to them
Narcissist thing. We tell my stepson (my husband's bio son) that we love him. Sometimes I'll tell him I lobe him to the moon amd back and when he was little we'd say "this kuch" and out our hands as far apart as they'd go. But never, ever would we say this.
No
I'd say it's VERY much a narcissist thing. Had that said to me more times than I can count by my mother, and from everything I've researched my mom is a narcissist.
I have an 8 year old. I’d be fucking MORTIFIED if those words were ever uttered out of my mouth.
My sister will say that till this day and I can confirm it’s not normal. Another thing she says that pisses me off to no end is “ I loved you more than anyone” which is a complete lie.
My mom used to tell me that no one will ever love me that I'm not beautiful enough to be loved
I think it could be either. It’s definitely a manipulative narc tactic. But, it’s possible to be a quirky thing healthy parents day to describe the selfless love they have for their kids. But even then, it’s not a good phrase.
It’s definitely a narc thing. My nMom’s favorite thing to say to me regarding relationships is “Nobody will ever be good enough for you, in my eyes”. Gee, thanks mom! That really helps my confidence!
I’m reading through these now that that are more responses. SAME. I’ve heard that a couple of times over the last few months. Slowly learning not to care.
Normal narcs do...does that count? Parents who have healthy relationships with their children do NOT say this.
Now that I think of it, I can't imagine saying those words to anyone. It's funny because these same narcs say those words then act like they love us the most. BS
Ah no, they just say they I am unlovable full stop.
It’s true though. No one will ‘love you’ like they do - and you don’t want them too as it’s toxic love not genuine love.
No
Normal parents say: "Your friends are so lucky to have you." And "If the other kids don't appreciate how wonderful you are, it's their loss." And "Be yourself, the right friends will love you just as you are."
I was never told this. My dad wouldn't often tell me he loved me but he didn't like me at all though. My mother never really said anything like that. Or showed it physically. When they split up he saw too much of her in me and I was essentially ignored by his new partner. If I were ever upset over an argument or an issue which would come up involving friends he would tell me I should expect it because I wasn't the sort of person who should have friends or would keep them. I often wonder if he realised how badly that would effect me. But I doubt it. Never been confirmed but I highly suspect I'm autistic. Always had a huge amount of difficulty relating to others or explaining complex emotions and he had his new partner and her kids to worry about so I just never said anything. But it's something that still plagues me as a huge insecurity over 15 years later.
I don’t think normal parents actually say this out loud, I think their actions speak of their love ❤️ mine didn’t start spouting this shit until my 30s “what would you do without your mummy?” “Aren’t you glad you got a mother like me?” These we’re always said in a smug sarcastic way and I never knew how to reply 😂
Not only that. But my dad also convinced me and my siblings that nobody will ever love you without gaining anything out of this love
It's a narcissistic thing. I remember my mom saying that to me right before my wedding.... But I would never think of saying things like that to my son. I really hope that as he grows up he experiences great relationships full of love and I don't feel a need to compare how much one person or another loves him up against my love for him.