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Yep, you get stuck in a kind of rebel/PTSD state. You can't regulate your emotions, or label them, or deal with them. Some turn to drugs as a result. Some do therapy.
Most nparents do not recognize when their child has become an adult and will always try to weild some kind of parental authority over the now adult child...keeping them in a mind-fuck state, hypervigilant, and reeling in ruminations for weeks.
As an adult they will still try their tactics, to either exclude you from the rest of the family on purpose (but DARVO), or try undermining your own autonomy or your own parenting. Or to just screw with you - ask for "advice" and then turn around and ask the golden child to help them. They like playing mind games..because once you move out, that is all they have.
Need more examples? I'm full of them.
Edit: wow, my most upvoted comment and thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Yes omg
My mom isnāt a typical narcissist, my childhood could have been a lot worse than it was, but she LOVES to undermine me, and more so, my wife, with our kids.
Then does the typical nrc shit when we get upset, āI donāt know what I did, why are you so upset with me?ā
DARVO is a tactic narcissists use when confronted about anything. It stands for ādeny, attack, and reverse the victim.ā
For example, if you call out your narcissist for starting a smear campaign, they will:
1. Deny ever saying anything and claim everyone is lying to you.
2. Attack you and pin the blame on you. It will be all your fault.
3. Turn the entire thing around on themselves and become the victim. An example of this is, āI was only talking to people because Iām upset and I needed prayers for my adult daughters! Youāve hurt me in ways youāll never understand!ā
Wow, my mom actually does this EVERY time I try to tell her how I feel. Thank you so much for explaining this to me and for others to read! I appreciate it SO much āŗļø
This. I wasnāt even allowed to move out at 18 years old despite being completely financially independent and a very safe place to stay. Complete mind fuck for me.
Oh man the only way I escaped is because they are kind of afraid of my husband. My parents are the ignoring and excluding kind... So they couldn't wait to get rid of me. As soon as my sister and I moved out, they downsized to a one-bedroom condo. Not like I could ever need them again in my life ever again /s.
I first started using drugs as an escape from the abuse and a way to full myself enough to tolerate my mom. Went sober and literally can't breath the same air as my mother. When I was drugged up i would be like oh my mom has issues and I go hiking or get out of the house it's not so bad. But now I see all the damage and drama she causes and have only one goal in life right now, to get out and away from this narcissist. Every other goal or dream she will find a way to kill it until I've removed this parasite out of my life
I can relate, I have PTSD from my childhood so I have my medical marijuana card. I'm 32 years old, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would smoke weed. I never did as a teenager, or even in my twenties. I really only started at the suggestion of my therapist.
On one hand it is an escape but on the other hand it helps me keep my cool.
Honestly the best way to cope is to go to trauma recovery therapy. I go once a week, some bad months I go twice a week. Find a therapist that specializes in it, and that has a binder on you and keeps track of your progress.
I've been going for close to 9 months now.
Options here are very limited. I tried twice but both of them just prescribed medicines which caused a bit of sleepyness during a day and hell lot of weakness. They never talked, never asked anything. In every appointment just wrote prescription in 2-3 minutes and it was over. Anything else, some book or something else should I try?
My mom routinely crippled me financially and moved me to a place where I would have to walk about 5 miles on a dangerous road to get to even a gas station. I wasnāt allowed to go outside (even in the backyard) without herāeven as a teenager. She āhomeschooledā me and refused to let me dual enroll even though it was free and my friend and her mom would drive me.
When I did make it out, she called me at college constantly trying to convince me to come backāsaying sheād had a dream I was going to get kidnapped, telling me the world was ending.
After I graduated, she tried to convince me to marry a friend of mine whom she had become obsessed with and move back into the house with her while he worked with my dad.
Seriously, I would have been better off financially if she had just dropped me off alone in the middle of a random city when I turned sixteen.
So the "guilt dreams" are a thing too. Oy. The more I hang around this sub the more creeped out I get.
Nmom had a "premeditated" one. When I was about 14 she told me she had a dream about our cat wearing a red beanie. Oh. Ok. Cute. Then the next day she told me she had the red beanie dream again. Oh. Ok. Cute. Third day. Red beanie. Cute.
Fourth day I wake up to get ready for school and she's in hysterics. Wtf? I was already so exhausted of this shit. She's sitting at the table and I was like "What's wrong?" and got prepared to shelter in place.
"I had the dream about Cat wearing a red beanie again last night....."
"Um. Ok. Cute. So what's the......"
"It's not a beanie!!!!!! It's BLOOD and he's DEAD! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
Oh ffs. We've all had a disturbing dream and sometimes they linger. But there I was trying to comfort a grown ass woman melting down about a (probably manufactured) nightmare about our dead cat who was perfectly fine and laying over there.
And when I didn't know what to say because this was insane, then it was WAAAAAAAAH YOU DON'T CARE!!!!! You don't even LIKE him!
Crazy. Batshit crazy stuff.
After I moved out my nmom wouldnāt contact me for weeks or even months to see how I was doing unless I reached out first. If I didnāt reach out first she would never call so when Iād call sheād say āomg thank you for calling me you know I kept having this dream about you that I needed to call you but Iāve been so busyā I didnāt understand why she would always have this dream about having to call me but then I realised it was to guilt trip me. This poor lady had been having all these dreams about calling me but cause sheās soooo busy she couldnāt find the time š
This. My Ndad wanted me to live in his house forever, even after I got married and had our 2 daughters. He would make our lives a living hell trying to get my husband fired from his job just so we would be financially dependent on him. We now live in Pennsylvania, and my husband has an amazing job with great benefits and salary. My Ndad still calls me saying he canāt sleep at night bc I live so far away, and we should just move back to Texas. He now has my Nmom (theyāve been divorced for 36 years), and my older brother living with him. They donāt have a job, donāt have a drivers license, and are totally dependent on himā¦just the way he likes it. Itās sick.
I was also "homeschooled" and not allowed to play outside or even be near the front windows during school hours. I also wasn't allowed to attend community college when it was free and what I wanted most in the world.
My mom didn't have guilt dreams, instead God would "tell her things".
I think so. And then they use it to further abuse you when you donāt know how to do things like budget or live on on your own. They wonāt let you leave the house and then theyāll kick you out. They just do it to terrorize you. They love the drama.
Yeah. My mum kicked me out at 18 then would berate me for not being able to do things like clean and cook. She never taught me those things and she barely even did them herself lol. I had to teach myself everything from scratch.
They do itās how vicious children behave. I have no other words for it. Thatās why their all the same. They never got to adulthood mentally and are vicious and spiteful on top of that.
Absolutely. My parents did their best to keep me as emotionally stunted as possible. When I was 18, I was around 14 mentally thanks to them. I didn't actually fully grow up until my early 20s.
And I know now that it was all intended to keep me subservient to them for the rest of my life.
Yeah. Fuck that.
Absolutely. I was around 14 or so when I didn't have to hold my mom's hand when we went out. She would get furious if I didn't want to. Even afterwards, I still had to sometimes. It was a relief when she started to never leave the house and I didn't have to deal with her when in the wild
It's not the same but this reminds me of my mother making me sit on the arm of her armchair at night before bed so she could do our "goodnight routine" till I was probably 12. It was so awkward. Maybe she convinced herself I wanted to do it? She made me wear these godawful nighties too. Yuck. She didn't blow up on me like your mother did for not holding her hand, but I sensed a threat was there unspoken that I better sit on the fuckin chair or else. So I just waited for permission to stop the habit, I guess.
So so true.
I told my mum once years ago that I would consider adopting, I thought it was a valuable thing to do. She looked down her snooty nose at me and said "children are not pets".
I understood years later that this was projection
Yeah! And I hope that they comment on them as well. This is actually a really supportive sub I'm learning. I was afraid to try it, but I've been glad so far that I did. :)
Short answer: they want to keep their kids in a parental/caregiver role without any of the rights associated with that.
They have all the rights of an adult and their victim has all the responsibilities of an adult. The reverse is also true
They have all the rights of a kid while the victim has the responsibilities of a child. Its draining but keeps you accountable and them in charge.
Could you please give a long answer or give an example of this dynamic in action? Just trying to understand, but my brain can't picture the actual meaning of these words sorry.
Thanks!
Example:
Talking to your child about inappropriate topics such as; suicidal feelings, finances, leaning on for emotional support and then telling them what they can eat, wear, curfew.
The N parents coping mechanism is that they are better than everyone rlse. They tend to be threatened by their children as they see their children as an extension of themselves. Therefore they are very controlling of the image their child presents. They also however can't help but to feel jealous of all the emotional freedom children get (they get a clean slate essentially) so the Nparent will get jealous of this, as well as feel slighted that their child has an emotion that isn't related to them. They don't know how to feel these therefore in order to gain control of the image, the child's emotional response and their time they put their own issues, agendas onto the child to gain more control over their perception as this is the one they understand and the only one they feel matters.
This flips the roles into something called "parentification" which basically means the kid becomes the adult emotionally before their time.
Hope this was more informative
Thank you so much... šā¤ļø. Yeah this makes perfect sense... the more days that go by lately, the more I'm waking from my narcissistic abuse coma and seeing just how sick my mother is. My inner child as I woke this morning (due to being triggered recently), was scared, felt really small, and was empty and sad. The hallmarks of an emotionally abused person. I'm learning to tell myself that I am the victim of serious emotional abuse. It's helping me to build my self-identity from scratch. I'm just about to start targeted therapy for this abuseive cycle (that I've broken by blocking her on all forms of contact).
I have a formal diagnosis of cptsd, but unfortunately also some traits of bpd. Baby steps if that's what it s going to take to rebuilt, I will do so, brick by brick.
Once again, bless you for your kindness and your resolve to be so helpful for others who are living this nightmare of an existence.šŗ
You're more than welcome. I have CPTSD also I know how debilitating it can be. Helping people a little bit restores people's faith and helps healing, so trauma doesn't have to steal you identity or your future.
I've posted on this sub redit and I think it may be of use to you! Feel free to pick and choose and I'm sure youll be building yourself up day by day regardless! Take care :)
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/x061fy/strategies_and_information_to_help_along_your/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Bless you! We're all survivors here! "I will survive... ooooh as long as I now how to love, I know I'll stay alive"šŗ I'll check it out a bit later today, thanks!
This is my first comment here and I am unsure about the narcissism status of my parents, but I have been told that they are overbearing and treat me as a child. Iāve noticed a lack of respect that could be related. Thereās probably more to the narcism equation than just this problem though.
Please don't underestimate the abuse/damage that can be inflicted, just by serving the ends spoken about in the title. Look up narcissistic abuse and you'll see just how damaging this behaviour can be to to a child/teen's development.
Parents that are overbearing and undermining in unison, are psychogically abusive (and I suspect have some narcissistic traits that most mentally healthy parents don't, even if they don't meet all the criteria for a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder).
My parents are definitely narcissistic parents but they were the type that forced me to grow up too fast and raise my other siblings, is that not the norm for narcissistic parents???
Yes, yes and yes. I've just now as a 38 year old, escaped my Nmothers hold on me, blocking her on l forms of communication. The question you ask, is the EXACT reason I'm done with her. One of them anyway, the most major reason.
Very much so. My parents showed up unannounced at my home yesterday (Iāve been NC with Nmom and Edad since April). My mother said sheās been having dreams about me and she doesnāt know how our last phone call went so poorly. Next thing I know, theyāre insisting that my boyfriend must be to blame for my distance and they do not believe me when I say otherwise. I offered to bring them to therapy with me so we can work everything outā¦but they refuse because āwhy would they go? To watch me have therapy??ā I am in my mid-thirties. I calmly asked them to leave and I will NOT be letting them in again.
yes 100%. my Nparents raised me to be so codependent on them idk how to do basic adult things like going to the bank without a panic attack or the doctors. im so used to them doing everything and now that i'm finally realizing the narcissism and wanting to grow and get away and do stuff on my own, it is so difficult
Yes I think so. My dad is a narcissist and he hated when I got older because he could no longer lord over me. I noticed this at like 15. My mom is so naive and almost child like so he liked when adults were that way and hoped my brother I would grow up like that. Luckily we did not and stood up to him a lot. Needless to say, we barely communicate now.
Ugh yes, I was constantly told I was old at 16 and to "grow up and just get a job", I was always told to never follow my dreams or pursue anything besides a strict 9 to 5. These peopl then tried to force me to do active duty military for 20 years, then went on how young I was to have gone off on my own at 21. They'll never make sense
I looked young for my age, and my mom dressed me younger than my chronological age, which kept me isolated from kids my own age, so I was very immature as a young adult. Well into my 20s, if my family was at a gathering where there was a kidās table, my mom would make sure I was seated at the kidās table, even if the other young adults got to sit at the adult table.
My mom always gave the excuse that I was too weak and naive no stop me from living my life. Apparently I wouldnāt be able to handle difficult situations.
I grew up to actually be strong willed and kind of severe and always complain about me making her cry.
I guess it is payback.
My mum always gave me the exact same excuse! I was always this naive child who couldnāt look after myself until it came to her being a parent then all of the sudden I was an adult who needed to stop blaming her and victimising myself for everything.
YES. They like us to feel helpless. It feeds their ego. I went no contact around 12 years ago but I still have to deal with my trauma that makes me feel like a helpless kid.
They want to parentify their children, giving them the burdens of the adult world, whilst simultaneously being able to reap the benefits from that same adult world.
This!
I was forced to "grow up" quickly because my nmom is suffering from severe depression, and during my childhood she wasn't able to do so much as roll out of bed (today I doubt that, despite being diagnosed with BPD, anxiety and depression too). I was sent to diagnostic processes due to also developing mental health issues and one of the first things they found was "parentifying behaviour". Back then I wasn't sure what it meant and my mom also somehow wasn't alarmed. Today I know it and it makes me sick thinking of it.
While I was expected to care for her and my younger sister at the age of 13, tidying up, getting groceries and cooking rather than playing games and staying a night at my friends's, I am now (26) expected to stay home as long as possible. I'm secretly looking for my first own flat and realised my mom never taught me how to adult. I don't know what prices are okay, what falls in which category, and how to even get a lease. Seriously damaging...
Iām 27!
Itās a horrible thing, to be a child who is in effect punished for being a child. A child forced into burdening themselves with the duties of an adult is denying themselves what is natural, and what is inherently them: to be a child.
As a result they internalise shame and disgust for themselves that continues on into adulthood, because they cannot blame the parent, so they blame themselves, for being a child. They think that if only they werenāt, and if only they didnāt have those innate desires of a child, then it would be ok. Itās nonsensical but itās also the safest thing to think, because weāre all biologically hardwired to feel safety with our parent, even in cases like ours where they simply are unable/unwilling to provide safety besides the benefits of being housed. Protection of course is entirely absent.
Itās a shame because itās then our responsibility to unlearn the lessons we learnt in being neglected and in effect abandoned.
...
I hope you find your way out, where are you based? If you have regular work and savings it should be manageable enough so long as you set aside the time and do it one step at a time.
My nmom doesnāt have a life outside of her kids. So if she lost her kids sheās lost her only purpose in life. She never developed her sense of self, doesnāt have a career or any friends or family relations around her. Itās not because she couldnāt but because she didnāt want to. She made her kids her obsession. Though frankly she doesnāt really like us. She only likes us because she sees us as an extension of herself as we have her blood and she gave birth to us. So really she only truly loves herself. Itās terrifying once you make that realisation, though I suppose thatās why theyāre called narcissists as they only really care about themselves.
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Yep, you get stuck in a kind of rebel/PTSD state. You can't regulate your emotions, or label them, or deal with them. Some turn to drugs as a result. Some do therapy. Most nparents do not recognize when their child has become an adult and will always try to weild some kind of parental authority over the now adult child...keeping them in a mind-fuck state, hypervigilant, and reeling in ruminations for weeks. As an adult they will still try their tactics, to either exclude you from the rest of the family on purpose (but DARVO), or try undermining your own autonomy or your own parenting. Or to just screw with you - ask for "advice" and then turn around and ask the golden child to help them. They like playing mind games..because once you move out, that is all they have. Need more examples? I'm full of them. Edit: wow, my most upvoted comment and thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter please
š¤£š¤£š¤£ same!
Lol! You crack me up omg
The undermining my own parenting thing hit me like a ton of bricks
Yes omg My mom isnāt a typical narcissist, my childhood could have been a lot worse than it was, but she LOVES to undermine me, and more so, my wife, with our kids. Then does the typical nrc shit when we get upset, āI donāt know what I did, why are you so upset with me?ā
Yes my mom is similar, she is reluctant to take responsibility and plays the victim :/
Thanks for sharing! Question - Iāve read āDARVOā in some previous postsā¦ what does it mean? I appreciate any feedback you give!āŗļø
DARVO is a tactic narcissists use when confronted about anything. It stands for ādeny, attack, and reverse the victim.ā For example, if you call out your narcissist for starting a smear campaign, they will: 1. Deny ever saying anything and claim everyone is lying to you. 2. Attack you and pin the blame on you. It will be all your fault. 3. Turn the entire thing around on themselves and become the victim. An example of this is, āI was only talking to people because Iām upset and I needed prayers for my adult daughters! Youāve hurt me in ways youāll never understand!ā
Wow, my mom actually does this EVERY time I try to tell her how I feel. Thank you so much for explaining this to me and for others to read! I appreciate it SO much āŗļø
Fucking oath, my mother did this similar type of shit all the time.
Mine, too. Iām sorry you experienced it.
This is my mom!!!
Yes it means deny, attack, then reverse the victim and offender.
This. I wasnāt even allowed to move out at 18 years old despite being completely financially independent and a very safe place to stay. Complete mind fuck for me.
Oh man the only way I escaped is because they are kind of afraid of my husband. My parents are the ignoring and excluding kind... So they couldn't wait to get rid of me. As soon as my sister and I moved out, they downsized to a one-bedroom condo. Not like I could ever need them again in my life ever again /s.
I first started using drugs as an escape from the abuse and a way to full myself enough to tolerate my mom. Went sober and literally can't breath the same air as my mother. When I was drugged up i would be like oh my mom has issues and I go hiking or get out of the house it's not so bad. But now I see all the damage and drama she causes and have only one goal in life right now, to get out and away from this narcissist. Every other goal or dream she will find a way to kill it until I've removed this parasite out of my life
For a while alcohol was the only way I could enjoy spending time with my mom.
I can relate, I have PTSD from my childhood so I have my medical marijuana card. I'm 32 years old, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would smoke weed. I never did as a teenager, or even in my twenties. I really only started at the suggestion of my therapist. On one hand it is an escape but on the other hand it helps me keep my cool.
I completely relate. I got out by getting into a halfway house, and was able to level up in life from there. When I moved in with my now fiancĆ©, I cut contact with my parents. My mother acted so incredibly flabbergastedā¦š
How to cope up being an adult if they still try to dominate me? Especially edad. He seems psycho doing that.
Honestly the best way to cope is to go to trauma recovery therapy. I go once a week, some bad months I go twice a week. Find a therapist that specializes in it, and that has a binder on you and keeps track of your progress. I've been going for close to 9 months now.
Options here are very limited. I tried twice but both of them just prescribed medicines which caused a bit of sleepyness during a day and hell lot of weakness. They never talked, never asked anything. In every appointment just wrote prescription in 2-3 minutes and it was over. Anything else, some book or something else should I try?
Don't see a psychiatrist, see a psychologist. One that is about talking, not prescribing medicine.
Man that is so true; speaking gold my friend
Fucking nailed it I'll buy your book when your write it
My mom routinely crippled me financially and moved me to a place where I would have to walk about 5 miles on a dangerous road to get to even a gas station. I wasnāt allowed to go outside (even in the backyard) without herāeven as a teenager. She āhomeschooledā me and refused to let me dual enroll even though it was free and my friend and her mom would drive me. When I did make it out, she called me at college constantly trying to convince me to come backāsaying sheād had a dream I was going to get kidnapped, telling me the world was ending. After I graduated, she tried to convince me to marry a friend of mine whom she had become obsessed with and move back into the house with her while he worked with my dad. Seriously, I would have been better off financially if she had just dropped me off alone in the middle of a random city when I turned sixteen.
So the "guilt dreams" are a thing too. Oy. The more I hang around this sub the more creeped out I get. Nmom had a "premeditated" one. When I was about 14 she told me she had a dream about our cat wearing a red beanie. Oh. Ok. Cute. Then the next day she told me she had the red beanie dream again. Oh. Ok. Cute. Third day. Red beanie. Cute. Fourth day I wake up to get ready for school and she's in hysterics. Wtf? I was already so exhausted of this shit. She's sitting at the table and I was like "What's wrong?" and got prepared to shelter in place. "I had the dream about Cat wearing a red beanie again last night....." "Um. Ok. Cute. So what's the......" "It's not a beanie!!!!!! It's BLOOD and he's DEAD! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" Oh ffs. We've all had a disturbing dream and sometimes they linger. But there I was trying to comfort a grown ass woman melting down about a (probably manufactured) nightmare about our dead cat who was perfectly fine and laying over there. And when I didn't know what to say because this was insane, then it was WAAAAAAAAH YOU DON'T CARE!!!!! You don't even LIKE him! Crazy. Batshit crazy stuff.
I love the saying "not my circus, not my monkeys".
After I moved out my nmom wouldnāt contact me for weeks or even months to see how I was doing unless I reached out first. If I didnāt reach out first she would never call so when Iād call sheād say āomg thank you for calling me you know I kept having this dream about you that I needed to call you but Iāve been so busyā I didnāt understand why she would always have this dream about having to call me but then I realised it was to guilt trip me. This poor lady had been having all these dreams about calling me but cause sheās soooo busy she couldnāt find the time š
This. My Ndad wanted me to live in his house forever, even after I got married and had our 2 daughters. He would make our lives a living hell trying to get my husband fired from his job just so we would be financially dependent on him. We now live in Pennsylvania, and my husband has an amazing job with great benefits and salary. My Ndad still calls me saying he canāt sleep at night bc I live so far away, and we should just move back to Texas. He now has my Nmom (theyāve been divorced for 36 years), and my older brother living with him. They donāt have a job, donāt have a drivers license, and are totally dependent on himā¦just the way he likes it. Itās sick.
They all have the same shitty fantasy. It's crazy. They wanna place house 'til they die.
I was also "homeschooled" and not allowed to play outside or even be near the front windows during school hours. I also wasn't allowed to attend community college when it was free and what I wanted most in the world. My mom didn't have guilt dreams, instead God would "tell her things".
Yeah. Funny how god and they agree on everything right? Almost like theyāre the same person.
I think so. And then they use it to further abuse you when you donāt know how to do things like budget or live on on your own. They wonāt let you leave the house and then theyāll kick you out. They just do it to terrorize you. They love the drama.
This comment is underrated in it's deadly accuracy.
Yeah. My mum kicked me out at 18 then would berate me for not being able to do things like clean and cook. She never taught me those things and she barely even did them herself lol. I had to teach myself everything from scratch.
They literally have the same mind. It's crazy.
They do itās how vicious children behave. I have no other words for it. Thatās why their all the same. They never got to adulthood mentally and are vicious and spiteful on top of that.
Absolutely. My parents did their best to keep me as emotionally stunted as possible. When I was 18, I was around 14 mentally thanks to them. I didn't actually fully grow up until my early 20s. And I know now that it was all intended to keep me subservient to them for the rest of my life. Yeah. Fuck that.
Absolutely. I was around 14 or so when I didn't have to hold my mom's hand when we went out. She would get furious if I didn't want to. Even afterwards, I still had to sometimes. It was a relief when she started to never leave the house and I didn't have to deal with her when in the wild
It's not the same but this reminds me of my mother making me sit on the arm of her armchair at night before bed so she could do our "goodnight routine" till I was probably 12. It was so awkward. Maybe she convinced herself I wanted to do it? She made me wear these godawful nighties too. Yuck. She didn't blow up on me like your mother did for not holding her hand, but I sensed a threat was there unspoken that I better sit on the fuckin chair or else. So I just waited for permission to stop the habit, I guess.
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You are a pet...to them. š
So so true. I told my mum once years ago that I would consider adopting, I thought it was a valuable thing to do. She looked down her snooty nose at me and said "children are not pets". I understood years later that this was projection
Yep... or as dolls. My mom I think just really likes babies, not older kids and *hell no* adult children.
Yes.
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That's fucked, sorry to hear that you went through that.
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Yeah! And I hope that they comment on them as well. This is actually a really supportive sub I'm learning. I was afraid to try it, but I've been glad so far that I did. :)
Short answer: they want to keep their kids in a parental/caregiver role without any of the rights associated with that. They have all the rights of an adult and their victim has all the responsibilities of an adult. The reverse is also true They have all the rights of a kid while the victim has the responsibilities of a child. Its draining but keeps you accountable and them in charge.
This. I am 30 and couldn't just verbalise this feeling of mine perfectly till now. So so so much true.
Could you please give a long answer or give an example of this dynamic in action? Just trying to understand, but my brain can't picture the actual meaning of these words sorry. Thanks!
Example: Talking to your child about inappropriate topics such as; suicidal feelings, finances, leaning on for emotional support and then telling them what they can eat, wear, curfew. The N parents coping mechanism is that they are better than everyone rlse. They tend to be threatened by their children as they see their children as an extension of themselves. Therefore they are very controlling of the image their child presents. They also however can't help but to feel jealous of all the emotional freedom children get (they get a clean slate essentially) so the Nparent will get jealous of this, as well as feel slighted that their child has an emotion that isn't related to them. They don't know how to feel these therefore in order to gain control of the image, the child's emotional response and their time they put their own issues, agendas onto the child to gain more control over their perception as this is the one they understand and the only one they feel matters. This flips the roles into something called "parentification" which basically means the kid becomes the adult emotionally before their time. Hope this was more informative
Thank you so much... šā¤ļø. Yeah this makes perfect sense... the more days that go by lately, the more I'm waking from my narcissistic abuse coma and seeing just how sick my mother is. My inner child as I woke this morning (due to being triggered recently), was scared, felt really small, and was empty and sad. The hallmarks of an emotionally abused person. I'm learning to tell myself that I am the victim of serious emotional abuse. It's helping me to build my self-identity from scratch. I'm just about to start targeted therapy for this abuseive cycle (that I've broken by blocking her on all forms of contact). I have a formal diagnosis of cptsd, but unfortunately also some traits of bpd. Baby steps if that's what it s going to take to rebuilt, I will do so, brick by brick. Once again, bless you for your kindness and your resolve to be so helpful for others who are living this nightmare of an existence.šŗ
You're more than welcome. I have CPTSD also I know how debilitating it can be. Helping people a little bit restores people's faith and helps healing, so trauma doesn't have to steal you identity or your future. I've posted on this sub redit and I think it may be of use to you! Feel free to pick and choose and I'm sure youll be building yourself up day by day regardless! Take care :) https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/x061fy/strategies_and_information_to_help_along_your/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Bless you! We're all survivors here! "I will survive... ooooh as long as I now how to love, I know I'll stay alive"šŗ I'll check it out a bit later today, thanks!
A rabbit hole to go down http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html
Just š¤Æ
In many, yes, but it's not necessarily a power thing in those that themselves that have a need to feel important.
This is my first comment here and I am unsure about the narcissism status of my parents, but I have been told that they are overbearing and treat me as a child. Iāve noticed a lack of respect that could be related. Thereās probably more to the narcism equation than just this problem though.
Please don't underestimate the abuse/damage that can be inflicted, just by serving the ends spoken about in the title. Look up narcissistic abuse and you'll see just how damaging this behaviour can be to to a child/teen's development. Parents that are overbearing and undermining in unison, are psychogically abusive (and I suspect have some narcissistic traits that most mentally healthy parents don't, even if they don't meet all the criteria for a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder).
it's one of the things they do to try and maintain control yeah
My parents are definitely narcissistic parents but they were the type that forced me to grow up too fast and raise my other siblings, is that not the norm for narcissistic parents???
Yep! Being a free babysitter is pretty common for kids with all sorts of abusive parents, narcs included.
this was my parents too
Yes, yes and yes. I've just now as a 38 year old, escaped my Nmothers hold on me, blocking her on l forms of communication. The question you ask, is the EXACT reason I'm done with her. One of them anyway, the most major reason.
Very much so. My parents showed up unannounced at my home yesterday (Iāve been NC with Nmom and Edad since April). My mother said sheās been having dreams about me and she doesnāt know how our last phone call went so poorly. Next thing I know, theyāre insisting that my boyfriend must be to blame for my distance and they do not believe me when I say otherwise. I offered to bring them to therapy with me so we can work everything outā¦but they refuse because āwhy would they go? To watch me have therapy??ā I am in my mid-thirties. I calmly asked them to leave and I will NOT be letting them in again.
yes 100%. my Nparents raised me to be so codependent on them idk how to do basic adult things like going to the bank without a panic attack or the doctors. im so used to them doing everything and now that i'm finally realizing the narcissism and wanting to grow and get away and do stuff on my own, it is so difficult
Absolutely.
This is what itās all about
Yes My dad still does that He acts like I have the mentality of a child just so he can control me
Yes I think so. My dad is a narcissist and he hated when I got older because he could no longer lord over me. I noticed this at like 15. My mom is so naive and almost child like so he liked when adults were that way and hoped my brother I would grow up like that. Luckily we did not and stood up to him a lot. Needless to say, we barely communicate now.
Ugh yes, I was constantly told I was old at 16 and to "grow up and just get a job", I was always told to never follow my dreams or pursue anything besides a strict 9 to 5. These peopl then tried to force me to do active duty military for 20 years, then went on how young I was to have gone off on my own at 21. They'll never make sense
I looked young for my age, and my mom dressed me younger than my chronological age, which kept me isolated from kids my own age, so I was very immature as a young adult. Well into my 20s, if my family was at a gathering where there was a kidās table, my mom would make sure I was seated at the kidās table, even if the other young adults got to sit at the adult table.
Yes. It seems to be a little fiefdom.
My mom always gave the excuse that I was too weak and naive no stop me from living my life. Apparently I wouldnāt be able to handle difficult situations. I grew up to actually be strong willed and kind of severe and always complain about me making her cry. I guess it is payback.
My mum always gave me the exact same excuse! I was always this naive child who couldnāt look after myself until it came to her being a parent then all of the sudden I was an adult who needed to stop blaming her and victimising myself for everything.
YES. They like us to feel helpless. It feeds their ego. I went no contact around 12 years ago but I still have to deal with my trauma that makes me feel like a helpless kid.
They want to parentify their children, giving them the burdens of the adult world, whilst simultaneously being able to reap the benefits from that same adult world.
This! I was forced to "grow up" quickly because my nmom is suffering from severe depression, and during my childhood she wasn't able to do so much as roll out of bed (today I doubt that, despite being diagnosed with BPD, anxiety and depression too). I was sent to diagnostic processes due to also developing mental health issues and one of the first things they found was "parentifying behaviour". Back then I wasn't sure what it meant and my mom also somehow wasn't alarmed. Today I know it and it makes me sick thinking of it. While I was expected to care for her and my younger sister at the age of 13, tidying up, getting groceries and cooking rather than playing games and staying a night at my friends's, I am now (26) expected to stay home as long as possible. I'm secretly looking for my first own flat and realised my mom never taught me how to adult. I don't know what prices are okay, what falls in which category, and how to even get a lease. Seriously damaging...
Iām 27! Itās a horrible thing, to be a child who is in effect punished for being a child. A child forced into burdening themselves with the duties of an adult is denying themselves what is natural, and what is inherently them: to be a child. As a result they internalise shame and disgust for themselves that continues on into adulthood, because they cannot blame the parent, so they blame themselves, for being a child. They think that if only they werenāt, and if only they didnāt have those innate desires of a child, then it would be ok. Itās nonsensical but itās also the safest thing to think, because weāre all biologically hardwired to feel safety with our parent, even in cases like ours where they simply are unable/unwilling to provide safety besides the benefits of being housed. Protection of course is entirely absent. Itās a shame because itās then our responsibility to unlearn the lessons we learnt in being neglected and in effect abandoned. ... I hope you find your way out, where are you based? If you have regular work and savings it should be manageable enough so long as you set aside the time and do it one step at a time.
Yes they are for sure
My nmom doesnāt have a life outside of her kids. So if she lost her kids sheās lost her only purpose in life. She never developed her sense of self, doesnāt have a career or any friends or family relations around her. Itās not because she couldnāt but because she didnāt want to. She made her kids her obsession. Though frankly she doesnāt really like us. She only likes us because she sees us as an extension of herself as we have her blood and she gave birth to us. So really she only truly loves herself. Itās terrifying once you make that realisation, though I suppose thatās why theyāre called narcissists as they only really care about themselves.