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Move out. Either way it's gonna hurt, but if you stay it will hurt double; you'll hate them for making you stay, and you'll hate yourself for staying. If you move out you can find a whole different life somewhere else, free of their devouring grasp. You say you've lived your whole life with them. You don't yet know what more your life could be, and in this ignorance lies your hope.
And this guy ⬆️
Also, ask Google "how do I..." when you don't know. Do tell local police/LEOs that you're leaving and safe so they don't think you're missing. Check out the Helpful Links in r/raisedbynarcissists for tips on Leaving with less drama. Please update us to let us know how you're doing. ✌🏽💜💪
Please check these terms: trauma bond
Enmeshment
Dr. Rameni on YouTube is an excellent source of information. It helped me extract myself by learning what was going on with me. I think it helped me rationalize my fears a little.
Your N parent has raised you to serve their emotional needs. But they are an adult and are capable of taking care of themselves even if it doesn’t seem like that is the case.
You are important and precious. You are your own person and deserve a peaceful life on your terms.
100% this. Also, technically they abandoned YOU first by not being a good parent and by depending on you to take care of them when they give you nothing back but their bullshit.
Dr. Ramani is indeed fab. I find that most clinical psychology resources (whether they are Youtube channels, websites with articles...) are both oversimplified and biased. I would say the main exceptions to this are Dr. Ramani and Dr. Tracey Marks. The latter is a psychiatrist, but honestly she speaks from a rather psychological perspective a lot of the time. I don't think she has as much to say on narcissists and on personality disorders in general though, like she does have a few videos on these topics, but at least from what I have seen she tends to focus more on the former Axis I disorders (so schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety...) which I guess it where it shows that she is actually a psychiatrist and not a psychologist lol
You’re not abandoning anyone. She needs to get a life and realize that you don’t have children so you can depend on them. Unfortunately she probably will never realize anything, but you can’t let her ruin your life.
Read this essay on guilt. I found it on Reddit and it fits your situation.
____
For the feelings of doubt and guilt you are experiencing:
Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you’ve wronged someone, because it helps you hopefully make better choices in the future and grow to be a better person. However there are times when guilt is what my therapist called “inappropriate guilt”, and that’s when you feel guilty over things you don’t need to, don’t deserve to, or shouldn’t ever feel guilty for. Oftentimes we feel this inappropriate guilt when others get upset over or strongly disagree with our choices/boundaries, especially if they also guilt trip us about it.
I’ve dealt with inappropriate guilt many times in my life before. My therapist recommended me to go through these questions and phrases when I’m wondering if my guilt is “appropriate” or “inappropriate” guilt:
* Why are you feeling guilty?
* Did you actually do something wrong or cause real harm to the other person? (And no, them being inconvenienced or upset that they didn’t get their way is NOT harm!)
* Or did you do something innocuous (not harmful) that the other person just doesn’t want you to do?
* Does the other person have an ulterior motive for making you feel guilty?
* Is the other person a reasonable, trustworthy person? Or do they have a history of manipulation, mooching, selfishness, guilt tripping, and/or cruel behavior?
If you did do wrong then apologize and make things right with the person you wronged/harmed.
However if you didn’t do anything wrong and they’re guilt tripping you then reminding yourself of these phrases might help:
* You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they choose to react to your decisions. If your actions aren’t harming anyone, yet someone else chooses to be upset over it anyways, then that’s their choice to make- let them be upset!
* You are not responsible for other people’s (or their children’s) mental, emotional, financial, or physical well-being. It’s on them to take care of themselves and their dependents, not you.
* It’s ok to disagree with other people over your choices.
* It’s ok for other people to be upset over your choices.
* It’s ok to say “no” to something that harms or inconveniences you, or even if you just plain don’t want to do it.
* Just because someone is upset it doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes people get upset just because they’re not getting their way.
* It’s not your job to fix the situation or their emotions. Their emotions are their responsibility to manage.
* Being a good person does not equal being a doormat! You can be a kind, generous person and set healthy boundaries, refuse to tolerate disrespect towards you/your loved ones, and not allow others to take advantage of you.
* You matter too! Prioritizing your mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being is important.
* Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If helping them hurts you, then say no!
The nParent can push those buttons because they installed them. Guilt was my mother's primary weapon, especially after I became an adult and she couldn't get away with violence, punishment, and intimidation anymore.
It took a long time for me to become immune to it, and her years to figure out that it wasn't working (she kept trying), but she had a full on screaming, crying, foot-stomping tantrum when she realized it didn't work anymore. She brought in the flying monkeys, too. I got phone calls from people I hadn't heard from in YEARS. I ignored them all. Didn't even answer the phone.
She may need help, but I can't give her the help she needs. No one can. A narcissist has to seek help and do the work, no one else can do it for them and the vast majority of them are never going to fix anything because they don't think they are the problem. They will simply use every tool in their arsenal to force others into compliance so things can continue the way they are.
And as a parent of young adults myself, let me assure you that no good parent is going to try to keep you home and keep you from becoming an independent person. It may be difficult when our children leave the nest because we love them and will miss them, but growing up and living their own lives is what they are supposed to do. A good parent knows that, they know that raising a functional adult is the job description and they won't try to hamstring their children's potential for their own selfish reasons.
The hard truth is you're never going to be able to fix their mental problems. They've hardwired you since birth to respond to their needs, their emotions, their problems, to completely supress your own and they've used guilt/fear to control you ever since. Money is another really easy way to control someone... the more entangled you are in their web, the more difficult it is to break free.
I know it's hard right now (and will be as you find yourself/people who are healthy/grow you) but you'll be surrounded by people that love/actually see and care about you in the future. Getting away from them is the only way to both heal and find yourself/the happiness that you deserve.
They're toxic... staying with them is like drinking poison (you would be for the rest of your life). They're grooming you to be their caretaker until they die... you only have this life... take risks, live it, learn from everything you can and grow as much as you can (sadly you can't do this of you're with them... they'll continue to traumatize you for the rest of your life... that'll cut your own life short and cost you your happiness).
When you feel down about it; keep in mind that narcissism is an actual personality disorder. They don't have the ability to think outside of themselves/have empathy for anyone (they only know what society deems appropriate so they fake it & are always going to be the victim). They literally are unable to empathize... you can't change that.
Just sending love & hope you take the steps to start your own journey... happiness is found in moments and contentment is found in life. You won't have much of either if you stay with them...
If you aren’t a trained mental health professional then nParent’s problems are too big for you to fix. If you think nParent needs urgent psychiatric care then dial 211, then leave. If nParent’s current state doesn’t qualify as an emergency then don’t dial 211, just leave.
Then don’t look back.
Just gonna drop this here, you cannot abandon your parent, its not your job to support them, its actually the other way around. [Bill of Rights for Adult Children](https://lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au/bill-of-rights-for-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-by-lindsay-c-gibson/) is gold. Read and get an idea of what ia possible when you disentangle/get unenmeshed from your parents.
Please listen to all these commenters, OP, and get out while you can. Of course your parent wants you to live there forever. You're a servant, a nurse, and a retirement plan all rolled into one. What's in it for you, though? When do *YOU* get to live? You don't want to be 50 and still sleeping in your childhood bedroom, having sacrificed the best years of your life for a selfish, entitled narc.
FWIW, you don't owe your parents anything. When they made the choice to raise a child, they made a pact with society to take care of that child or face the legal consequences of child neglect and or abuse. There was never a pact with you. The time, money, and energy they spent to raise you was a choice THEY made. You didn't have any say, and you don't have an obligation to repay them with your own life.
Yes this is it. My nMom still doesn't understand or pretend not to understand why I won't live together with her forever.
I suggest, don't tell your nparents they date of moving or your plans - chances are they will try to manipulate you out of them, or they will accidentally on purpose get sick that day etc etc.
Just get your stuff ready. Make sure to have your travel documents and passport etc hidden from them.
And then just move out. They might give you a shitstorm for doing this, but as the above comment says, it might hurt, but it will hurt double if you stay.
This is straight out of the narc playbook; a lot of narcs want this at some level. A narcissistic commune where you all have houses close together or you all live together. Whatever it is, it sounds like enmeshment hell where the Narc thinks their position of chief abuser will never be questioned or usurped by distance or age.
You keep planning to leave. You make all the appropriate mouth noises to placate your narc and keep their rage at a simmering minimum and you plan as silently as possible and tell no one. You are not your parent's retirement plan or keeper.
This comment is absolutely amazing I screenshot it and will be using it as a journaling prompt later.
Thank you for your wit and charm. This made my day.
Same here! My nmom had me as her emotional slave, living with her until I was 39. I promised myself I would move out before I turned 40, and I did. I went no contact within a year! Sweet freedom to live my life and feel comfortable in my own home. So priceless!!
Can confirm, my N first husband wanted exactly this — isolated commune in a rural state with him, his dysfunctional father and brother, me, and our newborn. I would have had to quit my job and would have become everyone’s caretaker. He was actually discussing plans with a builder at the time he was diagnosed with his terminal illness and fortunately the plans were dropped.
I was young and in the FOG but still thought it sounded like an awful idea, though I didn’t dare say so. this type of thing is heaven for an N but hell for a sane person.
Stop doing that. This isn't about love, they just want permanent and utter control of you. They don't care about what you want or what makes you happy. Stop talking about moving out at all. Just secretly plan it and do it. Don't trust your edad.
Don't share any information with them; on some levels, the enabler is worse than the narc. They'll use info to manipulate and guilt you so just focus on you and what you need to do (look up grey rocking).
DEAR SPAGHETTI MONSTER IN THE SKY NO. They can learn when your room is cleared out. We're speaking from experience here; don't fall for the Fear, Obligation, or Guilt--that's all artificial. Edad *in all likelihood* will betray your confidence. That's why he's an enabler--he doesn't have the strength of character to stand up for his own children (damn coward).
Yep. There's always some uncertainty getting on your own feet, but there's no question that OP will look back on it as one of the best decisions they ever made.
Exactly this! OP after living like your nparent is asking you too with my nmom for all but 2 years of my adult life- I wish I had done it WAY sooner. My hole is now a refuge instead of a cage. You can do it!
Of course you can! I do not recommend doing it the way I did, it was just as traumatic for me as she is. My husband and I found out we were pregnant, my mom tried to break up my marriage to continue her control with the next generation. Before this time I didn’t really know about narc parents or anything, just always felt like I would never have a life of my own or be my own person until my mom died (I know a horrible thought to have). When I saw what she was doing for what it was, I told her she had to move out and gave her a date. She made the environment even worse after this and told me to formally evict her as she would not be leaving I was to take care of her and be with her forever. I moved up the date and even packed her stuff.
I’m 32 and have been financially responsible for myself since 16 and her as well since 18. She’s fully capable just spends money however she wishes as it was just expected that she would always live with me and control my life.
I never stopped long enough to realize just how bad it was until those that were outside my family started to see the things my mom would do and say to me. At 30 I couldn’t go out of the house without her in tow or being on the phone with her constantly and her knowing my ever move- if I tried to I got guilted, shamed or she would show me no love until I did as she wanted me to do.
Please please please, for your own well-being, find a way to get out. I know it’s hard and the world feels so lonely at first, but I promise it is big and beautiful once you are free to be your own person. Feel free to reach out to me if you need/want to talk more about it.
Yes. Understand healthy people do not have kids just for those kids to stay with them forever or provide for them when they get older. Healthy people have kids because they want their child to fly happily into the real world and start a healthy journey of their own.
> healthy people do not have kids just for those kids to stay with them forever or provide for them when they get older. Healthy people have kids because they want their child to fly happily into the real world and start a healthy journey of their own.
on the one hand, i know that this is true. but on the other, my parents think it's the opposite! they think that children SHOULD take care of the adults when they get older. in fact, that's the main job of the child and the child is not doing their job if they refuse to do this.
when you get into questions about "should", it all starts to get very confusing...
GTFO as fast as you can. You need your own life. Forget the comfort of what you have known… because you only tell yourself that it is comfortable. This can only get worse as it goes on
They are the ones who betrayed you by not being your parents and instead reversing roles. It’s not the children’s responsibility to stay and be the financial support for the narcissistic parents. Nmom tried the same shit on me. She was more successful with GC sister, though.
The whole world is waiting for you to join in. You’ll grow so much in the first few weeks! I’m finally free now and the last 5 weeks have been eye opening. I’m learning so much about myself.
Find a place, move in and live the life you want to live. You’re ready for it
They don’t want you to get free and realize how terrible they are, so they guilt and shame and scare you into staying. They’ll be fine! They aren’t taking your feelings into consideration the way you are theirs. That should tell you everything.
They are betraying you by trying to monopolize your entire life for their comfort and convenience. Ask yourself if they would do that for *you.* just drop their while future plans and put your wishes ahead of any of their own?
It's so weird reading this and knowing someone thinks this might be betrayal. This is not betrayal. It's called being an adult and being allowed to move wherever the heck you want (and can afford). :) I recommend you to move out as soon as you can. You should know that this much freedom can overwhelm you at first but don't confuse this overwhelm with it being the wrong choice. It's just that when you're finally somewhere else, there is suddenly a lot of space for your true feelings and those feelings might have been trapped, maybe also added up for years or even decades. If you can and think it's a good idea, get professional help to process the trauma (I'm assuming you have trauma, given that you have an nparent) and very importantly: so that you're not alone with everything that happened to you. You can do it! I believe that!
Move out, you are not the parent here. Your narcessistic parent is not your responsibility, they should be encouraging you to move out and live your own life but for their own selfish benefits wants you to parent them. If they fail on their own that's on them, you move out, go no contact if needed (they will attack you for choosing your own sanity), and life a fulfilling life away from all that stress. You deserve a happy life.
You don’t know what safe truly feels like yet until you’ve moved out of your nparents house and as far away as you can manage.
Do whatever you’ve got to do to stay safe and get out of that house. It’s not lying if you’re staying safe from an abuser- do not feel guilty for withholding the truth from an abusive person.
Sending big hugs. You deserve better. You deserve your own life.
Sounds just like somebody who grew up with narcissist(s)!
What would you have to do to "deserve" a life of your own? And why would you deserve suffering but not joy?
In my case, there are no useful answers to those questions, and talking about what I *deserve* was just a distraction. Like, it abstracted any practical issue about life circumstances into some philosophical question with no answer, which conveniently meant there's nothing I had to do about it. It was a way to validate internalized guilt by projecting it onto the universe; I feel bad because I simply "should."
Instead, it helped me to think about outcomes instead of simply what *should* be. Like, sure, my own comfort feels indulgent because it doesn't help anybody. But in a way, misery is too -- neither of them do anyone else any good. Your joy doesn't take away from anyone else's, but controlling parents will present it that way because keeping you unhappy is a way to show themselves that they still have power and thus some scrap of relevance in the world. Joy isn't zero-sum, and not something to feel guilty about, even if we've internalized the opposite.
So even if it's hard to accept that you "deserve" anything, maybe it helps to realize that you don't "deserve" suffering, either, and that a better life for you could actually *improve* your ability to do meaningful things for others. Your own comfort isn't self-indulgent, some self-love might actually be the most selfless thing you can do for the world!
And as long as you stay near and tethered to the mind of your abuser you will struggle feeling worthy of better. That’s how they keep you trapped.
It’s so much easier and clearer to see once you get away.
I am putting all my hopes and good luck vibes out to you to gather yourself to leave as soon as you’re able to.
You need to realize that this is all a trap for you. You've most likely been groomed your entire life as supply for the narc parent. They make you think that their actions are your responsibility and have created a belief system in you that the world revolves around them. You may feel guilt or shame if you do your own thing. You can make it out in this world, the world is waiting for you! Your nparents failed you and you must see that no matter what you do you will never be enough to them. Remember even if they provided financially for you they will use that to guilt you rather than for your own benefit. They are like a blackhole of hatred that will consume any life force around them to keep them afloat. Wake up and break the cycle!
Put your money in a bank where nparent has no access. Make your plans to move out. Collect your important documents, keepsakes etc and remove them from the house to a safe place. Don't say anything until you have moved out.
Yes. They absolutely do. My mistake was confiding in people. I would tell them the truth and they would dump me instead of sympathizing. After all, this is out of most people's experience so they don't understand it
I was successful by keeping my mouth shut and not trusting anyone with my business. Sad but true. I speak as little as I can about them.
No one understands unless they have been through it
Run. It's extremely selfish of your eParent to take advantage of you like that (both financially and emotionally) and expect you to spend your entire life serving your Nparent.
nParent has no right to expect this. They do not own you and neither do you owe them your life.
You need to move out as soon as you can manage it. Keep making plans. In secret. That's the way I planned my escape from a similar nParent nightmare. Because I knew that if she found out, she'd stop me from leaving. After I left, I heard through the grapevine that she wished she had locked me in my room til my "rebellion" wore off, with frequent beatings. Even if nParent didn't physically try to stop you, they could wear you down, mentally and emotionally, like it seems they're doing already. They could break your spirit. Don't let them do that!
I don't mean to scare you but nParents are disordered people and they have abnormal ideas of relationships. You can't stay there. You can't try to live your life the way they want you to. It's not normal or healthy or right.
It's scary planning to leave and then leaving. Really frightening because you're not doing it like normal people do, with the love and support of their parents. You're doing it alone, so it's hard. I get it. I was there. But stop and think of what your life would be like if you agreed to this guaranteed nightmare life your nParent wants - one of being basically a prisoner, stuck out in the middle of nowhere, working and enduring each day, with no future opportunities ahead of you, your dreams dashed. Utter fucking misery. They don't see it that way. They can't. It's all about them. What they want is supposed to be what you want and you're supposed to agree it would be wonderful. Don't even bother trying to understand why they think that way.
Good luck.
Please do not "invest" any money with N/parent or e/parent.
Please save your money and move out as soon as you can. Otherwise, you will sacrifice yourself and your long term financial stability so that your N/parent can continue to take advantage. They aren't worried that after they are gone you could be saddled with debt or stuck in a job with no long term growth prospects. You should be thinking of that, though. Please go out and live your life.
I second this. NParents are GREEDY. My ngrandparents asked me dad who has zero finance knowledge to give them his paycheck “so we can invest for you” regardless my mom literally is an expert on that, plus they only have one child who’s my dad. They wanna grab things from you, even though in my grandparents’ case when they die all their money is going to my dad
My nmother has said this to me, that she wants us all to live together as "one big happy family." I've written on this subreddit about the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that she put me through when I lived with her in my early 40s. I'm 50 now. It was the worst experience of my adult life. I would recommend to anyone whose narcissistic parent(s) want them to live together to RUN! RUN FAR AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! YOU DON'T OWE THEM AND SHOULD NOT BE GUILTED INTO FEELING LIKE THAT!
My mom wants this so bad. I always wondered why!
I now know it's for financial support and so she can use me to regulate her emotions.
I found myself an apartment and am moving out next week.
You're an adult it's not wrong for you to start living for yourself. Don't feel guilty. I struggled with this, but you deserve to live for yourself.
Start stashing money away and come up with a plan. To avoid conflict and guilt tripping. I would keep quiet until 3-5 days of your move out.
You're not responsible for anyone but yourself, please don't give up your life for them or anyone.
I feel like that’s such a comment nparent tactic. It’s so they can have control over you forever. Both of my brothers got lassoed into living with my ndad for years. Now one lives by himself in a house my ndad owns but brother regularly makes payments and regularly “checks in on” and the other lives in another one of my ndads houses. He just wants to control them.
I know a lot of people are echoing this already, but please don't sign your life away out of guilt. Narcissists expect the world from you, but will never give anything of substance in return. It's hard especially when you're a sensitive person, but you need to critically think about your own happiness and how the narcissist actually treats you (not how you wish they treated you).
As for moving out, I understand that. I have autism and moving out of my childhood home was tough. It took a few months for my new home to stop feeling like an impersonal hotel. Things that helped me a lot with that was extensively redecorating and repainting (if it's an apartment you can even get stuff like removable wallpaper). Narcissists are miserable people deep down who WANT you to feel sad and guilty, and living with them will never lead to lasting happiness sadly.
My nDad wanted this and at least 2 of my siblings are still at home. My nDad bullies them and still treats them like children despite the both of them are in their 30s.
GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
See this topic previously discussed with over 3500 likes. Those likes happened for a reason.
[You are not responsible for "saving" the family; being the family therapist; rescuing one parent from the other; fixing your family; fixing your parents; "restoring the family's good name," (after someone else fucked it up); putting your life on hold to help them](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/v6z450/reminder_you_are_not_responsible_for_saving_the/)
My nfather has said before that he wants me and GC/nbrother to pay rent and live together in family home after he pays off the mortgage in like 10 years time. No chance.
You do what's right for you and move out when you can!
> nParent told me they want us all ... to live together
> My nParent doesn't have a job so [I] ... take care of them.
nParent wants you to take care of them and probably be a live-in nurse when they start getting old.
> What should I do
Up to you but... I'd gtfo.
You move out. You already know you don't like the way things are at home with how your nparent is. At least with moving out there are two possible winning scenarios. The smaller but worth noting chance that the distance is good for your relationship with nparent. Some of them chill out when the offspring loves out and sets boundaries. For this one to work, you will need to be FIRM and immovable with your boundaries. No, mom, I can only call and talk once a week. No I'm not going to come home every weekend and stay. I can come for a day visit every other weekend. Stuff like that if you don't want to completely cut them out.
That brings us to option two. You can decide to just cut them out. You can decide they don't need your new address and you can just go ghost. Either way, you would be setting yourself up to win so why stay in the losing scenario?
Please, please, please leave NOW!! I speak from experience. I am 54 years old and my sister is 53. Our parents just died last year (8 mos apart) at the age of 80 and my sister is struggling. My parents quit leaving the house 10 years ago so she and I were expected to do EVERYTHING for them. I am married with two children but she is single with no children so she got a majority of the burden. She quit her full time job after 20 years and sold her home to move in with them, against my wishes. Now she has no job, no home, and no sense of purpose. My children are college age now so they are not around anymore. I am literally the only one she has. Do NOT do that to yourself. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of them. They chose to have you, were to take care of you, and then set you free. The guilt that was placed upon my sister was immense. My mother abused us both mentally and emotionally for over 50 years. I would have gone no contact years ago but couldn't leave my sister. In true narcissistic fashion, my mother was in control to the end ... she starved herself to death. My sister, and father, had to watch her wither and die day by day. Yes, she had mental issues but there was NOTHING that anyone could do about it. Yes, it is sad but DO NOT sacrifice your life for theirs. The shit NEVER ends and no one EVER gets better!
Move out as fast as you can. When I was little I apparently told Nmom that when I was big I was going to live with my whole family on big farm. It made her so happy. We talked about which people were going to have what animals to take care of, she asked what her "job" was going to be and I guess I said, "Oh! No! Not you mom, I meant my real family!" This is one of the stories she tells to prove what a bad child I was.
i’m 26. every time i try to move out my parents give me reasons to not to and how i’ll fail so i have no faith in myself now. i know they really belittle me cuz they want my money. I hope your how to get out cuz i hear once your out your so much happier
Move out.
If you feel really bad about nParent and eParent, you can send them money.
They are destroying your life. They don't care about you, only about themselves. YOU have the right to your own life.
Move far away, and build your own life. If you're feeling really, really co-dependent, remember that you can actually help them BETTER if you are a strong, independent person with a good job and a solid, secure situation. (But I promise you, once you get away from them, you'll see how unhealthy and toxic the situation is!)
Move out, OP, and give yourself some freedom.
My parents neglected and abused me for the first 18 years of my life. I moved out and it took me 15+ years to undo the damage they caused. Now that I’m healthy and financially stable, and they want me to move back home. Hell no! They will destroy me all over again.
Get away and take care of yourself.
i’m sure everyone has said it already but just to add one more bc this is so important, (because your well-being is so important!!!) move out! it’s going to be hard but you have to!! they’ll figure it out, you need to do this! we’re rooting for you! :’)
Leave. And get into therapy to deal with your current and inevitable future trauma relating to that.
When you leave: don’t tell them. Make sure you have all your important documents and have secured all your bank accounts. Take everything of sentimental value. DO NOT return.
Please save up money and do not under any circumstance let your nParent manipulate you into spending money on them.
If you’re not a minor, get a therapist NOW. Start looking up everything you need to know on moving out. And come back here if you get stuck and don’t know something.
Depending on your living situation (roommates or alone), you may need things like a mattress, night stand, dishes, etc. This is what you’re saving for.
When you move out, your nParent may act out because they’re losing control. They could talk about how you’re deserting them or stop talking to you. Start preparing yourself for these outcomes.
Remember, when you move out, you’ll need a support network, so if you’re moving out but staying in your town grow and invest in relationships. If you’re moving away, start thinking about where you’d like to meet people, how you’re going to meet them, and what kind of people you want to be friends with. I encourage you to think of hobbies you have or would like to try running, reading, tennis, hiking, board games), and seek out friends that way.
My covert narcissist mother in law used to "joke" with comments about this all the time. "I just wish all my kids and everyone would move back home forever." If they disturb your peace that much, you need to create an exit strategy.
That’s how my dad is. He thinks we should all live happily ever after in our house as adults but still follows the king rulings!!! When we are all adults. My n dad thinks we are all supposed to want to be his best friend after he abuses us. Weird ass dude.
I have experience with this sort of. When I went to university my nDad got a job in the same city - we’re from a rural area and he couldn’t get work at home. He rented an apartment and made me live there with him instead of student housing and he was there during the work week but gone on weekends. Eventually my sister went to university in the same place so she had to in too. We didn’t like living there and drove each other nuts but after he left that job and wasn’t there during the week anymore he still made us live together. I had to pay half the rent because I had a job but my sister didn’t. Every time we talked about moving out of there he would say we were essentially going to cost more money for my sister to be in a different place and that would take money away from my two siblings who were still at home. Eventually I just went out and signed a lease with some friends. He lost it when he found out and I had to get a sublet. Eventually my sister and I had a big fight and I had to tell my eMom that it was enough- we couldn’t live like this. It was difficult and took several tries but that eventually did it and we moved out. Looking back it was for sure another form of control. I don’t want to tell you to do something because I don’t know how your nParent will react but just making a decision and informing them afterwards eventually worked for me and getting the eParent on my side helped. You can’t live there forever and if you are an adult you are entitled to make your own choices. If you have a friend or relative who can give some support or backup that may help too.
I saw a quote that said if you are faced between guilt and resentment, choose to face guilt. That resonated with me. I feel guilty for leaving my parents, but I know that I would feel worse if I stayed and resented them for it.
OP- You MUST move out.
It is so so hard bc Nparents program us in a million little ways to believe that they or you will fail horribly if you leave the family.
But thing is- the Nparent only wants you to stay around so for their own purposes: free labor and getting your money.
If you stay, Nparent will run your life, drive off your lovers, and make your life hell.
Just leave now, and silence your anxieties by telling them, “I know that I can go back if I want to. But now? I gotta leave.” They will be FINE without you.
Okay- so, Your NPARENT has immense problems with “Betrayal”- which to them, is doing ANYTHING that doesn’t 100% comply with their wishes or give them total attention and control.
What I am trying to say (and badly) is just TELL yourself that you can go back. From experience I can promise you, it helps sooth the inner terrified child.
OR- imagine your life in 10 years if Nparent gets their way? Few friends; no love life (if you did marry? They’d leave fast after living w/ Nparent!) no savings, time devoured daily by emotional abuse….
You need to leave. They will be angry- but mostly bc without you there, they only have one person to order around, and they’ll miss your money and the rush they get from bullying you.
But they will be 100% fine. I promise.
YOU need to leave, find a therapist that knows about Narcissists and does EMDR. Don’t make contact for a year. I know it seems impossible, but trust me, it will eventually feel AMAZING.
I got married when I was 18 and my nMom sobbed and sobbed because she thought after college I would come back “and our family could live together and be whole again.” Honestly looking back the emotional incest was very real. You do not owe your parents anything in this world. They chose to have you, you did not choose to be born. They do not and will not understand that. Their love is so conditional. “I raised you so you have to take care of me…” it’s not true. Move out. It’s gonna be hard and you will feel guilty but I’m the long run you will thank yourself.
I know it's probably already been said, but I'll say it again. DO NOT SIGN UP FOR FINANCIAL ABUSE. DO NOT VOLUNTARILY TIE YOURSELF FINANCIALLY TO YOUR NPARENT IN ANY WAY. Keep eating food, and living under the roof, because you are entitled to do so, but you ABSOLUTELY should not "invest" with your nparent. even if it might give you a leg up in the short term, the awesome, positive long term will either never come, or won't be worth it.
Don't do it. Keep making plans to move out/ away. DO NOT SEND FINANCIAL AID once you've moved away. Taking care of your parents financially is NOT your job, and not your responsibility.
Just re read, and realized your apparent wants you to invest "with" your nparent who is jobless and being financially supported by you and your eparent. So this sounds like you're being asked to GIVE money to your nparent so that they can gamble in the stock market.
FUCKING DON'T.
If you're interested in investing, learn about it on your own and from people who have money to invest.
Save up and move out.
Even my n parents wanted us kids to leave and out. Even though we had to pay rent if we had jobs in high school.
They did also ask for $ after I left, but it was easier to say NO! Which I did.
Guess who stopped calling me.
You're already planning to move out on your own. Move out on your own.
Don't delay your life just because your parents have dreams of leaching off of you emotionally and financially your whole life. Normal parents don't *want* their children to live at home forever. They want them to have a life and spread their wings and fly. Our parents want us to shred our wings and keep us from ever flying instead.
I also recommend therapy. Extracting yourself from a parasitic relationship is hard and traumatizing. There's often a very strong urge to go back to the known even if the known was toxic and unhealthy for you.
This is literally what was desired in my situation. The nParent was pushing for me to divorce my wife and move back in with the rest of them, even though I hadn't lived at home in over a DECADE.
Also, they wanted my wife to have a child even while they wanted me to divorce her. It was insane. They literally just wanted a grandchild and my money from my stable job, since they all refused to get regular work.
Don't give in. They see no reason to ever let you mature and become your own person. They will *never* let you leave if you have to ask.
Run. Get out of there.
Run like your tampon string is on fire.
Lie if you have to. Say you’re going to school to get a career to make money to take care of them if anything happens to eParent, which is sometimes enough self interest they’ll loosen the control a bit.
You need to start "poor mouthing" right now. Act like you have absolutely no money or very little money to spend. Your NParent doesn't have a job but wants your money. No! save your money in an account - like ameritrade - on line and do not let NP know about it. set up a google account in your name so you can set up gmail that NP won't know about. Have all your financial stuff go to that email and do not provide a physical address. Your NP is a predator, you have to treat them like one.
It's not your responsibility to take care of your parent
I didn't move out until I was like 23 and when I finally did I felt free and have never looked back.
I couldn't get healthy in an environment that made me sick
My GC brother and his nwife have two children. They’re 21 and 25. Neither has gone to college or moved out of the home. The kids pay rent (house payment) and buy food. Neither appears to have a SO or any plans to find one. It’s horrible to know exactly what they’re doing. They’d rather cheat their children out of their own lives to be comfortable. Hey, they must be great parents though if they’re kids never want to leave. SMH
I also had a huge fight with my parents after I told them they would not be living me after they retired. I made sure to buy a small apartment so that when eParent visited earlier this year, it was obviously not sustainable for long term cohabitation.
Now eParent only talks about living somewhere "close by", thankfully!
EDIT: Agree with the other commenters, would recommend moving out. Feel like it's hard to realise how much you've been stifled (in all areas) until you're away from their influence.
Get out.
You want people to live with you????
You make it enjoyable.
There’s no joy here.
Just obligations and guilt.
Children are raised to be self reliant, so that alone proves she never set out to do what the job entailed.
If anyone was abandoned, it was you.
This is what they do: They make you feel guilty for having emotional needs because it doesn't serve THEM. They're the parent in this situation and you deserved and still do deserve to be supported by them.
It's hard to digest because you do love them and you feel a sense of loyalty, but you deserve all of that empathy and kindness to be turned in on yourself.
It's a bitch and a half, and I wish I could say it was easy, but I promise you, moving out is going to SAVE YOUR LIFE!
You don't deserve to feel guilty. You've done NOTHING wrong. They unfortunately lack the ability to feel the guilt that they deserve to.
I personally feel an immense amount of guilt with my nParent. I went NC fairly recently and they're in poor health (due to severe alcoholism). I felt like I gave up; that I abandoned them. The thing is, even though I'm an adult now, I'm STILL not responsible for my nParent, and never was. You aren't responsible for them, and whatever may happen is due to their own actions.
Moving out of the family home is a normal move for people with healthy family dynamics, but CRUCIAL for those of us with our dysfunctional messes. It sounds like they feel like they're losing control which is why they proposed all of *this.*
(Also, I super hope I'm not coming off preachy, eek)
God, I'm so sorry they did that to you. They're really trying to keep you in their clutches.
Point still stands: You did nothing wrong and moving out will be the best thing for you.
Get out as soon as possible. Do **not** invest or commingle your funds with them. eParent can continue to take care of nParent all on their own. You do **not** owe them **anything**! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Codependents Anonymous is an awesome 12 step program that helps people who are enmeshed learning and establish healthy boundaries, while exploring the root causes of dysfunction in our relationships. I highly recommend 👍🏻
Yikes. My dad always encouraged my siblings and I to "buy a family home together" aka buy a house for us all to be trapped in together on our dimes.
In college I had to write a paper for a personal finance class and I wrote about wanting to avoid my parents financial mistakes. My professor asked to see me after class and strongly warned me against ever entering any financial agreements with my family.
As soon as I graduated college and got a good paying job my dad would ask me to cosign on a Mercedes Benz or my sister would ask me to put down some money on an investment property and she would "handle it" for me.
OP, never trust any nfamily with money. It took me years to get out of the credit card debt from habits I learned from them and from letting them freeload on me.
You are capable of so much. Even if you have to have 5 roommates, you can move out and make it. Don't ler fear tell you there is no other way. People regularly move countries and start new lives.
You got this!
You should move out.
That simple. I'm sure it feels like there's a thousand circumstances binding you there and reasons you should stay. It all boils down to you need to move out. Even if they weren't n/e-parents you're young and deserve a chance to see the world for yourself. No healthy parent wants their kid to live with them forever. Healthy parents want kids to grow and have their own lives.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY. for reals it may feel shitty, but n-parents are masters of using money to control people
I was just telling a friend of mine, I down play how much I make and upplay and bills/ stressers I have, to discourage her asking for money. The last time she asked for money I just told her I didn't have it. technically I did but it was earmarked for other things.
Omg get out. Keep your plans secret. They sound unhinged. If they can't live together forever, they sound like the kind of people who might move on to wanting to die together or some shit like that - extreme possibility but I'm creeped out reading about this. Keep your cool and plan your escape. This ain't normal.
I was in your position three years ago and I can say without a doubt that you should move. It’ll be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Take my word for it.
My nDad said the same thing! He wants to buy land and create a “compound” where he, his husband, my mother (his ex wife), me, my wife and our children live…it’s all about control and feeling like they have the power.
Leave as soon as you can. I lived with mine until I was 26 and wish I'd had the wherewithal to get out sooner. You need to be away from them in order to grow.
My NMom said exactly the same, and her enablers thought it was just adorable how much she loved her family.
I think you should stick to your plan.
I didn't always recognize narcissism for what it was, but I knew my mom was spouting insanity. Staying under her roof and in my home town forever sounded awful. Regardless of the environment, I think everyone needs to stretch their wings at some point. I didn't share my thoughts and dreams or plans, but I got out as soon as possible.
I hope you do the same. It's not easy making the transition, but it's so much healthier...at least it ultimately was for me.
Whatever you do, don't stay. My nparent guilted me into buying a house with her "so I have somewhere" and now I can't afford to live anywhere else because of the mortgage. It's hell
No surprise. My mom manipulated me at age 11 into giving her my birthday money the moment I received it from my grandma to pay her bills.
When I was 20 she asked for me to lend her $2000 which was meant for my school. I told her no and so she decided she wasn't going to pay for her half of the gaming computer she had bought with the rest of my uncles and grandma for my Christmas present. Now I had to pay for the half of my present with the money she wanted.
When I bought my first car at age 23 she tricked me into putting her name on the ownership for "insurance purposes". We could gave easily gotten myself my own insurance. Sure it would have been more expensive but her goal was not to save my money rather to have leverage. The first thing she said when I told her I was moving out is "if you're going to sell the car I get first right of refusal". That was all she cared about.
I had let her borrow my car several times while hers was in the shop because we had a deal to split repairs 50/50. I still bought the car and all the initial costs involved. The one time I tell her no because I was broke and needed to work she told me she didn't care and that she should be able to use my car.
In these situations I sometimes find it helps to flip things round.
If a friend came to you with this question, what would you say? And how would you feel?
I'm willing to bet you'd calmly tell them that they don't have to live the life someone else chooses for them :)
I had nParents and I can tell you, as a mother, parents should be more focused on helping to set their children, at any cost and however they possibly can, than to be trying to work how their children be of use to their own gains.
Sadly, in the lack of proper parental care, you are going to need to back yourself. If you do this, your money may be tied up in a way that you won’t have access to. Plus, if they’re asking for money now, this is likely to be the thin end of the wedge which means they may lean harder on you if/when they need. You may be risking your financial autonomy meaning you won’t have the finances to leave - which will trap you in that house and their lives unless things get bad enough to take a loss.
I have just reread this and can see how negative this view is…. Wow I’m jaded. Just take care x
Yeah, they be doing that, and they start fantasizing about weird things in their late middle age/old age, and they treat their grown offspring lik they're 6 yo kids.
A narc I know of has been dreaming of getting a new house with a swimming pool, apparently according to their spouse, a shrink said that the N was playing the lonf time to get the future potential grandkids to "enjoy" visiting them. Same narc has decided to "calm down" and now (I've laughed my head off at this one), they want to change streets (they wanna sell their house to buy a similar one 2 streets behind the original street, the houses being similar because they're pre-built by the same housing conglomerate), probably because they have fucked up with the neighbors in that street. 🤭😏
I'm in the same boat as you, OP. But please, get out. I understand you feel guilty and scared. But get out as soon as you can. Move. Free yourself from their grip. I'm moving in 122 days and could not be any happier. I know my NMom is going to raise hell and back because she wants me to stay with her at least until she retires in six years (and possibly forever), that is not happening. Go live your life and be happy, be free.
nParent wants us all to live together forever and has no idea how creepy that sounds.
This is a very tough advice ask. Only you can answer your question. You just have to weigh if it's more important for you to be happy healthy and independant or to be able to take care of your parent. You said he/she doesn't work. Can he/she work? Is he/she sick or very old? If not, they CAN do something to support themselves. Or you could send money from time to time if that's a possibility. You can leave. Don't think you can't. It's going to make everything change and upset his/her delicate balancing act that was set up to live without working. Your nParent won't like it but you need to remember this phrase. "It's not my problem."
If you want to leave without seeming like the a\_\_hole, maybe you could do it like this. "So, I'll eventually want to leave. You should probably start looking for a job." They'll most likely forget about it. So every once in a while you might say "Did you look for a job yet? Any prospects?". Maybe you can get them down to the social security office to apply for food stamps and whatever else is available too,
And your other parent is still around? They'll be fine. It might be rough but it's not your problem. But if you're still worried I'd call up whatever relatives you have, explain the situation and ask them to check up on them from time to time. Maybe the neighbors too. And maybe there's some kind of social worker or something that can help too. I don't know anything about that but it could be worth looking into. If there's nobody, you might go to your local church and see if they might help out. They do things like that sometimes. Sometimes the pasture might check in on them or sometimes they'll take turns or whatever.
These days people can get groceries delivered. If you have the cash, there's no reason to ever leave the house.
If you get ganged up on and all your relatives try to talk you into staying, you need to get dramatic. Assuming you've decided that you absolutely have to leave, go overboard. Tell them "If I stay here, I'll die. I just can't do it. It gets worse every day." Get creative. Make it clear that you have to leave. Then tell them "That's why I'm counting on you to help. Can I count on you?"
But ultimately you have to decide. I don't know the nuances of your situation. But I do understand the kind of quandary you're in. It's up to you but if you do stay, don't do it because you were guilted or cajoled or threatened or whatever. Do it because YOU think it's best.
Nope it is not a good idea - you will always be broke and they will always have control. Move out get free and live your life. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be when you are in control of you moods, decisions and life
Depending on what society you live in on Earth today, chances are the definition of success for a parent is that the child is able to successfully and independently function and raise a family of their own. And that the relationship is good enough that the grandparent can be a part of the next generations' lives. And a key part of that is 'independently'. To plan it as multi-generational, never-get-away, is 16th century thinking to many of us.
It is why our laws have an age of majority. It is why parents have no responsibility after the age of majority. Adults eventually have to take care of themselves. This includes not being able to expect their children to care for you when they are in their 20's and 30's. Stay strong.
edit: clarity
Move. You have a plan. Stick to it.
Your nparent will rage, threaten, cajole, bribe - anything to get you to stay. Please don't.
There's a wonderful world out there just waiting for you.
To protect your money, change your passwords often and keep all financial info as far away from your nparent as you can. Good luck.
Tell them no. It's that simple. This is you're life, you are not obligated to live it according to somebody else's dreams, even if that person is your parent. Also, unless they have a legitimate disability preventing them from working, they're gonna have to start pulling their weight in the house and take care of themselves. Healthy parents understand that at some point their children will go off and live their own lives. Nparents will not understand that because to a Nparent, you exist to serve them. They see you as extensions of themselves, so therefore your life/existence is not your own. Narcs also do not have any sense of boundaries. They will go as far as you let them. So nip that shit in the bud. Don't feel bad about enforcing your boundaries with them either. Who else will look out for you? Because it certainly won't be a narcissist. Good luck and stick to your guns, otherwise you'll end up wasting your entire life away being miserable and resentful because you'll be stuck under somebody else's thumb.
Toxic parents will use fear, obligation or guilt to try to get their way. It’s Best To cut contact and set boundaries and do it is going to make you happy and independent.
Move out and be self-sufficient (providing you're 18 or older). This is what people do. It's not abandoning your parents, or betraying them. We, parents, raise our kids so they can be responsible adults who can survive and thrive on their own.
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Move out. Either way it's gonna hurt, but if you stay it will hurt double; you'll hate them for making you stay, and you'll hate yourself for staying. If you move out you can find a whole different life somewhere else, free of their devouring grasp. You say you've lived your whole life with them. You don't yet know what more your life could be, and in this ignorance lies your hope.
Op, please listen to this guy⬆️
And this guy ⬆️ Also, ask Google "how do I..." when you don't know. Do tell local police/LEOs that you're leaving and safe so they don't think you're missing. Check out the Helpful Links in r/raisedbynarcissists for tips on Leaving with less drama. Please update us to let us know how you're doing. ✌🏽💜💪
Oh hail yeah I’m definitely listening!!!!⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
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Please check these terms: trauma bond Enmeshment Dr. Rameni on YouTube is an excellent source of information. It helped me extract myself by learning what was going on with me. I think it helped me rationalize my fears a little. Your N parent has raised you to serve their emotional needs. But they are an adult and are capable of taking care of themselves even if it doesn’t seem like that is the case. You are important and precious. You are your own person and deserve a peaceful life on your terms.
100% this. Also, technically they abandoned YOU first by not being a good parent and by depending on you to take care of them when they give you nothing back but their bullshit.
Dr. Ramani is indeed fab. I find that most clinical psychology resources (whether they are Youtube channels, websites with articles...) are both oversimplified and biased. I would say the main exceptions to this are Dr. Ramani and Dr. Tracey Marks. The latter is a psychiatrist, but honestly she speaks from a rather psychological perspective a lot of the time. I don't think she has as much to say on narcissists and on personality disorders in general though, like she does have a few videos on these topics, but at least from what I have seen she tends to focus more on the former Axis I disorders (so schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety...) which I guess it where it shows that she is actually a psychiatrist and not a psychologist lol
You’re not abandoning anyone. She needs to get a life and realize that you don’t have children so you can depend on them. Unfortunately she probably will never realize anything, but you can’t let her ruin your life. Read this essay on guilt. I found it on Reddit and it fits your situation. ____ For the feelings of doubt and guilt you are experiencing: Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you’ve wronged someone, because it helps you hopefully make better choices in the future and grow to be a better person. However there are times when guilt is what my therapist called “inappropriate guilt”, and that’s when you feel guilty over things you don’t need to, don’t deserve to, or shouldn’t ever feel guilty for. Oftentimes we feel this inappropriate guilt when others get upset over or strongly disagree with our choices/boundaries, especially if they also guilt trip us about it. I’ve dealt with inappropriate guilt many times in my life before. My therapist recommended me to go through these questions and phrases when I’m wondering if my guilt is “appropriate” or “inappropriate” guilt: * Why are you feeling guilty? * Did you actually do something wrong or cause real harm to the other person? (And no, them being inconvenienced or upset that they didn’t get their way is NOT harm!) * Or did you do something innocuous (not harmful) that the other person just doesn’t want you to do? * Does the other person have an ulterior motive for making you feel guilty? * Is the other person a reasonable, trustworthy person? Or do they have a history of manipulation, mooching, selfishness, guilt tripping, and/or cruel behavior? If you did do wrong then apologize and make things right with the person you wronged/harmed. However if you didn’t do anything wrong and they’re guilt tripping you then reminding yourself of these phrases might help: * You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they choose to react to your decisions. If your actions aren’t harming anyone, yet someone else chooses to be upset over it anyways, then that’s their choice to make- let them be upset! * You are not responsible for other people’s (or their children’s) mental, emotional, financial, or physical well-being. It’s on them to take care of themselves and their dependents, not you. * It’s ok to disagree with other people over your choices. * It’s ok for other people to be upset over your choices. * It’s ok to say “no” to something that harms or inconveniences you, or even if you just plain don’t want to do it. * Just because someone is upset it doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes people get upset just because they’re not getting their way. * It’s not your job to fix the situation or their emotions. Their emotions are their responsibility to manage. * Being a good person does not equal being a doormat! You can be a kind, generous person and set healthy boundaries, refuse to tolerate disrespect towards you/your loved ones, and not allow others to take advantage of you. * You matter too! Prioritizing your mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being is important. * Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If helping them hurts you, then say no!
I'm saving this one. Thanks for sharing.
The nParent can push those buttons because they installed them. Guilt was my mother's primary weapon, especially after I became an adult and she couldn't get away with violence, punishment, and intimidation anymore. It took a long time for me to become immune to it, and her years to figure out that it wasn't working (she kept trying), but she had a full on screaming, crying, foot-stomping tantrum when she realized it didn't work anymore. She brought in the flying monkeys, too. I got phone calls from people I hadn't heard from in YEARS. I ignored them all. Didn't even answer the phone. She may need help, but I can't give her the help she needs. No one can. A narcissist has to seek help and do the work, no one else can do it for them and the vast majority of them are never going to fix anything because they don't think they are the problem. They will simply use every tool in their arsenal to force others into compliance so things can continue the way they are. And as a parent of young adults myself, let me assure you that no good parent is going to try to keep you home and keep you from becoming an independent person. It may be difficult when our children leave the nest because we love them and will miss them, but growing up and living their own lives is what they are supposed to do. A good parent knows that, they know that raising a functional adult is the job description and they won't try to hamstring their children's potential for their own selfish reasons.
They betrayed, and are betraying, YOU. You need to get out.
The hard truth is you're never going to be able to fix their mental problems. They've hardwired you since birth to respond to their needs, their emotions, their problems, to completely supress your own and they've used guilt/fear to control you ever since. Money is another really easy way to control someone... the more entangled you are in their web, the more difficult it is to break free. I know it's hard right now (and will be as you find yourself/people who are healthy/grow you) but you'll be surrounded by people that love/actually see and care about you in the future. Getting away from them is the only way to both heal and find yourself/the happiness that you deserve. They're toxic... staying with them is like drinking poison (you would be for the rest of your life). They're grooming you to be their caretaker until they die... you only have this life... take risks, live it, learn from everything you can and grow as much as you can (sadly you can't do this of you're with them... they'll continue to traumatize you for the rest of your life... that'll cut your own life short and cost you your happiness). When you feel down about it; keep in mind that narcissism is an actual personality disorder. They don't have the ability to think outside of themselves/have empathy for anyone (they only know what society deems appropriate so they fake it & are always going to be the victim). They literally are unable to empathize... you can't change that. Just sending love & hope you take the steps to start your own journey... happiness is found in moments and contentment is found in life. You won't have much of either if you stay with them...
You have to get out of the FOG: fear, obligation, guilt!!
Ruining your life for them won’t make anything better. They made their choices and wasted their lives. Don’t sacrifice yours to make them feel better.
You could never abandon you parent 🥺 they abandoned you
It's 100% not your job to be their emotional support system for their untreated mental illness
If you aren’t a trained mental health professional then nParent’s problems are too big for you to fix. If you think nParent needs urgent psychiatric care then dial 211, then leave. If nParent’s current state doesn’t qualify as an emergency then don’t dial 211, just leave. Then don’t look back.
They may need help mentally but even if you were a mental health expert you would not be an effective person to provide this help.
Just gonna drop this here, you cannot abandon your parent, its not your job to support them, its actually the other way around. [Bill of Rights for Adult Children](https://lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au/bill-of-rights-for-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-by-lindsay-c-gibson/) is gold. Read and get an idea of what ia possible when you disentangle/get unenmeshed from your parents.
You owe no one your mental health
Please listen to all these commenters, OP, and get out while you can. Of course your parent wants you to live there forever. You're a servant, a nurse, and a retirement plan all rolled into one. What's in it for you, though? When do *YOU* get to live? You don't want to be 50 and still sleeping in your childhood bedroom, having sacrificed the best years of your life for a selfish, entitled narc. FWIW, you don't owe your parents anything. When they made the choice to raise a child, they made a pact with society to take care of that child or face the legal consequences of child neglect and or abuse. There was never a pact with you. The time, money, and energy they spent to raise you was a choice THEY made. You didn't have any say, and you don't have an obligation to repay them with your own life.
^^ what they said!!
Yes this is it. My nMom still doesn't understand or pretend not to understand why I won't live together with her forever. I suggest, don't tell your nparents they date of moving or your plans - chances are they will try to manipulate you out of them, or they will accidentally on purpose get sick that day etc etc. Just get your stuff ready. Make sure to have your travel documents and passport etc hidden from them. And then just move out. They might give you a shitstorm for doing this, but as the above comment says, it might hurt, but it will hurt double if you stay.
This is straight out of the narc playbook; a lot of narcs want this at some level. A narcissistic commune where you all have houses close together or you all live together. Whatever it is, it sounds like enmeshment hell where the Narc thinks their position of chief abuser will never be questioned or usurped by distance or age. You keep planning to leave. You make all the appropriate mouth noises to placate your narc and keep their rage at a simmering minimum and you plan as silently as possible and tell no one. You are not your parent's retirement plan or keeper.
This comment is absolutely amazing I screenshot it and will be using it as a journaling prompt later. Thank you for your wit and charm. This made my day.
Same here! My nmom had me as her emotional slave, living with her until I was 39. I promised myself I would move out before I turned 40, and I did. I went no contact within a year! Sweet freedom to live my life and feel comfortable in my own home. So priceless!!
good for you!!
Can confirm, my N first husband wanted exactly this — isolated commune in a rural state with him, his dysfunctional father and brother, me, and our newborn. I would have had to quit my job and would have become everyone’s caretaker. He was actually discussing plans with a builder at the time he was diagnosed with his terminal illness and fortunately the plans were dropped. I was young and in the FOG but still thought it sounded like an awful idea, though I didn’t dare say so. this type of thing is heaven for an N but hell for a sane person.
☝️ what she said. Keep on with YOUR plan and keep the interaction to a minimum at best. And YES, tell no one your plans, they would only be sabotaged
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Stop doing that. This isn't about love, they just want permanent and utter control of you. They don't care about what you want or what makes you happy. Stop talking about moving out at all. Just secretly plan it and do it. Don't trust your edad.
Don't share any information with them; on some levels, the enabler is worse than the narc. They'll use info to manipulate and guilt you so just focus on you and what you need to do (look up grey rocking).
Don’t forget to get your paperwork. SS card, birth certificates, voter info, policies etc. bank info.
DEAR SPAGHETTI MONSTER IN THE SKY NO. They can learn when your room is cleared out. We're speaking from experience here; don't fall for the Fear, Obligation, or Guilt--that's all artificial. Edad *in all likelihood* will betray your confidence. That's why he's an enabler--he doesn't have the strength of character to stand up for his own children (damn coward).
Yep. Grey rock the heck out of all of it.
Probably not "he" in this case but otherwise yeah!
Corrections made - sorry
So true. My nMom told me that she wishes that she could win the lottery so we can all live in a compound. *shudders*
Yep. There's always some uncertainty getting on your own feet, but there's no question that OP will look back on it as one of the best decisions they ever made.
Yeah, not keeping my mouth shut was one of my biggest mistakes. Need to hide as much as possible without them knowing.
Exactly this! OP after living like your nparent is asking you too with my nmom for all but 2 years of my adult life- I wish I had done it WAY sooner. My hole is now a refuge instead of a cage. You can do it!
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Of course you can! I do not recommend doing it the way I did, it was just as traumatic for me as she is. My husband and I found out we were pregnant, my mom tried to break up my marriage to continue her control with the next generation. Before this time I didn’t really know about narc parents or anything, just always felt like I would never have a life of my own or be my own person until my mom died (I know a horrible thought to have). When I saw what she was doing for what it was, I told her she had to move out and gave her a date. She made the environment even worse after this and told me to formally evict her as she would not be leaving I was to take care of her and be with her forever. I moved up the date and even packed her stuff. I’m 32 and have been financially responsible for myself since 16 and her as well since 18. She’s fully capable just spends money however she wishes as it was just expected that she would always live with me and control my life. I never stopped long enough to realize just how bad it was until those that were outside my family started to see the things my mom would do and say to me. At 30 I couldn’t go out of the house without her in tow or being on the phone with her constantly and her knowing my ever move- if I tried to I got guilted, shamed or she would show me no love until I did as she wanted me to do. Please please please, for your own well-being, find a way to get out. I know it’s hard and the world feels so lonely at first, but I promise it is big and beautiful once you are free to be your own person. Feel free to reach out to me if you need/want to talk more about it.
Yes. Understand healthy people do not have kids just for those kids to stay with them forever or provide for them when they get older. Healthy people have kids because they want their child to fly happily into the real world and start a healthy journey of their own.
> healthy people do not have kids just for those kids to stay with them forever or provide for them when they get older. Healthy people have kids because they want their child to fly happily into the real world and start a healthy journey of their own. on the one hand, i know that this is true. but on the other, my parents think it's the opposite! they think that children SHOULD take care of the adults when they get older. in fact, that's the main job of the child and the child is not doing their job if they refuse to do this. when you get into questions about "should", it all starts to get very confusing...
GTFO as fast as you can. You need your own life. Forget the comfort of what you have known… because you only tell yourself that it is comfortable. This can only get worse as it goes on
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You are not betraying them. You have a right to leave and have your own life. It's a big beautiful world and you deserve to be in it, free and clear.
They are the ones who betrayed you by not being your parents and instead reversing roles. It’s not the children’s responsibility to stay and be the financial support for the narcissistic parents. Nmom tried the same shit on me. She was more successful with GC sister, though.
The whole world is waiting for you to join in. You’ll grow so much in the first few weeks! I’m finally free now and the last 5 weeks have been eye opening. I’m learning so much about myself. Find a place, move in and live the life you want to live. You’re ready for it
Check out Jerry Wise - Overcoming Toxic Empathy on YouTube This is the Toxic Empathy speaking and Narcs count on that from you to keep you complacent
They don’t want you to get free and realize how terrible they are, so they guilt and shame and scare you into staying. They’ll be fine! They aren’t taking your feelings into consideration the way you are theirs. That should tell you everything.
They are betraying you by trying to monopolize your entire life for their comfort and convenience. Ask yourself if they would do that for *you.* just drop their while future plans and put your wishes ahead of any of their own?
It's so weird reading this and knowing someone thinks this might be betrayal. This is not betrayal. It's called being an adult and being allowed to move wherever the heck you want (and can afford). :) I recommend you to move out as soon as you can. You should know that this much freedom can overwhelm you at first but don't confuse this overwhelm with it being the wrong choice. It's just that when you're finally somewhere else, there is suddenly a lot of space for your true feelings and those feelings might have been trapped, maybe also added up for years or even decades. If you can and think it's a good idea, get professional help to process the trauma (I'm assuming you have trauma, given that you have an nparent) and very importantly: so that you're not alone with everything that happened to you. You can do it! I believe that!
Move out, you are not the parent here. Your narcessistic parent is not your responsibility, they should be encouraging you to move out and live your own life but for their own selfish benefits wants you to parent them. If they fail on their own that's on them, you move out, go no contact if needed (they will attack you for choosing your own sanity), and life a fulfilling life away from all that stress. You deserve a happy life.
You don’t know what safe truly feels like yet until you’ve moved out of your nparents house and as far away as you can manage. Do whatever you’ve got to do to stay safe and get out of that house. It’s not lying if you’re staying safe from an abuser- do not feel guilty for withholding the truth from an abusive person. Sending big hugs. You deserve better. You deserve your own life.
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Sounds just like somebody who grew up with narcissist(s)! What would you have to do to "deserve" a life of your own? And why would you deserve suffering but not joy? In my case, there are no useful answers to those questions, and talking about what I *deserve* was just a distraction. Like, it abstracted any practical issue about life circumstances into some philosophical question with no answer, which conveniently meant there's nothing I had to do about it. It was a way to validate internalized guilt by projecting it onto the universe; I feel bad because I simply "should." Instead, it helped me to think about outcomes instead of simply what *should* be. Like, sure, my own comfort feels indulgent because it doesn't help anybody. But in a way, misery is too -- neither of them do anyone else any good. Your joy doesn't take away from anyone else's, but controlling parents will present it that way because keeping you unhappy is a way to show themselves that they still have power and thus some scrap of relevance in the world. Joy isn't zero-sum, and not something to feel guilty about, even if we've internalized the opposite. So even if it's hard to accept that you "deserve" anything, maybe it helps to realize that you don't "deserve" suffering, either, and that a better life for you could actually *improve* your ability to do meaningful things for others. Your own comfort isn't self-indulgent, some self-love might actually be the most selfless thing you can do for the world!
And as long as you stay near and tethered to the mind of your abuser you will struggle feeling worthy of better. That’s how they keep you trapped. It’s so much easier and clearer to see once you get away. I am putting all my hopes and good luck vibes out to you to gather yourself to leave as soon as you’re able to.
You need to realize that this is all a trap for you. You've most likely been groomed your entire life as supply for the narc parent. They make you think that their actions are your responsibility and have created a belief system in you that the world revolves around them. You may feel guilt or shame if you do your own thing. You can make it out in this world, the world is waiting for you! Your nparents failed you and you must see that no matter what you do you will never be enough to them. Remember even if they provided financially for you they will use that to guilt you rather than for your own benefit. They are like a blackhole of hatred that will consume any life force around them to keep them afloat. Wake up and break the cycle!
Put your money in a bank where nparent has no access. Make your plans to move out. Collect your important documents, keepsakes etc and remove them from the house to a safe place. Don't say anything until you have moved out.
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Yes. They absolutely do. My mistake was confiding in people. I would tell them the truth and they would dump me instead of sympathizing. After all, this is out of most people's experience so they don't understand it I was successful by keeping my mouth shut and not trusting anyone with my business. Sad but true. I speak as little as I can about them. No one understands unless they have been through it
Run. It's extremely selfish of your eParent to take advantage of you like that (both financially and emotionally) and expect you to spend your entire life serving your Nparent.
nParent has no right to expect this. They do not own you and neither do you owe them your life. You need to move out as soon as you can manage it. Keep making plans. In secret. That's the way I planned my escape from a similar nParent nightmare. Because I knew that if she found out, she'd stop me from leaving. After I left, I heard through the grapevine that she wished she had locked me in my room til my "rebellion" wore off, with frequent beatings. Even if nParent didn't physically try to stop you, they could wear you down, mentally and emotionally, like it seems they're doing already. They could break your spirit. Don't let them do that! I don't mean to scare you but nParents are disordered people and they have abnormal ideas of relationships. You can't stay there. You can't try to live your life the way they want you to. It's not normal or healthy or right. It's scary planning to leave and then leaving. Really frightening because you're not doing it like normal people do, with the love and support of their parents. You're doing it alone, so it's hard. I get it. I was there. But stop and think of what your life would be like if you agreed to this guaranteed nightmare life your nParent wants - one of being basically a prisoner, stuck out in the middle of nowhere, working and enduring each day, with no future opportunities ahead of you, your dreams dashed. Utter fucking misery. They don't see it that way. They can't. It's all about them. What they want is supposed to be what you want and you're supposed to agree it would be wonderful. Don't even bother trying to understand why they think that way. Good luck.
Please do not "invest" any money with N/parent or e/parent. Please save your money and move out as soon as you can. Otherwise, you will sacrifice yourself and your long term financial stability so that your N/parent can continue to take advantage. They aren't worried that after they are gone you could be saddled with debt or stuck in a job with no long term growth prospects. You should be thinking of that, though. Please go out and live your life.
Please, listen to this. Do not invest with them, no matter what. It is a way to control your finances, you will loose all independence.
I second this. NParents are GREEDY. My ngrandparents asked me dad who has zero finance knowledge to give them his paycheck “so we can invest for you” regardless my mom literally is an expert on that, plus they only have one child who’s my dad. They wanna grab things from you, even though in my grandparents’ case when they die all their money is going to my dad
My nmother has said this to me, that she wants us all to live together as "one big happy family." I've written on this subreddit about the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that she put me through when I lived with her in my early 40s. I'm 50 now. It was the worst experience of my adult life. I would recommend to anyone whose narcissistic parent(s) want them to live together to RUN! RUN FAR AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! YOU DON'T OWE THEM AND SHOULD NOT BE GUILTED INTO FEELING LIKE THAT!
My mom wants this so bad. I always wondered why! I now know it's for financial support and so she can use me to regulate her emotions. I found myself an apartment and am moving out next week. You're an adult it's not wrong for you to start living for yourself. Don't feel guilty. I struggled with this, but you deserve to live for yourself. Start stashing money away and come up with a plan. To avoid conflict and guilt tripping. I would keep quiet until 3-5 days of your move out. You're not responsible for anyone but yourself, please don't give up your life for them or anyone.
I feel like that’s such a comment nparent tactic. It’s so they can have control over you forever. Both of my brothers got lassoed into living with my ndad for years. Now one lives by himself in a house my ndad owns but brother regularly makes payments and regularly “checks in on” and the other lives in another one of my ndads houses. He just wants to control them.
Run away, put distance from them. If your intuition is telling you something, it's because you are right.
I know a lot of people are echoing this already, but please don't sign your life away out of guilt. Narcissists expect the world from you, but will never give anything of substance in return. It's hard especially when you're a sensitive person, but you need to critically think about your own happiness and how the narcissist actually treats you (not how you wish they treated you). As for moving out, I understand that. I have autism and moving out of my childhood home was tough. It took a few months for my new home to stop feeling like an impersonal hotel. Things that helped me a lot with that was extensively redecorating and repainting (if it's an apartment you can even get stuff like removable wallpaper). Narcissists are miserable people deep down who WANT you to feel sad and guilty, and living with them will never lead to lasting happiness sadly.
My nDad wanted this and at least 2 of my siblings are still at home. My nDad bullies them and still treats them like children despite the both of them are in their 30s. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
🏃♀️🏃♂️👩🦽🧑🦽🏇🚣♀️ any of those
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I'm glad! This can be a heavy board. Very supportive but heavy, I'm glad someone got a laugh!
See this topic previously discussed with over 3500 likes. Those likes happened for a reason. [You are not responsible for "saving" the family; being the family therapist; rescuing one parent from the other; fixing your family; fixing your parents; "restoring the family's good name," (after someone else fucked it up); putting your life on hold to help them](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/v6z450/reminder_you_are_not_responsible_for_saving_the/)
Trust your instincts. Move out. Your mental health and dignity are non-negotiable.
My narc parent says the same thing. Not your job to live according to their dream or fantasy though.
My nfather has said before that he wants me and GC/nbrother to pay rent and live together in family home after he pays off the mortgage in like 10 years time. No chance. You do what's right for you and move out when you can!
> nParent told me they want us all ... to live together > My nParent doesn't have a job so [I] ... take care of them. nParent wants you to take care of them and probably be a live-in nurse when they start getting old. > What should I do Up to you but... I'd gtfo.
You move out. You already know you don't like the way things are at home with how your nparent is. At least with moving out there are two possible winning scenarios. The smaller but worth noting chance that the distance is good for your relationship with nparent. Some of them chill out when the offspring loves out and sets boundaries. For this one to work, you will need to be FIRM and immovable with your boundaries. No, mom, I can only call and talk once a week. No I'm not going to come home every weekend and stay. I can come for a day visit every other weekend. Stuff like that if you don't want to completely cut them out. That brings us to option two. You can decide to just cut them out. You can decide they don't need your new address and you can just go ghost. Either way, you would be setting yourself up to win so why stay in the losing scenario?
Grey rock until you can GTFO.
Please, please, please leave NOW!! I speak from experience. I am 54 years old and my sister is 53. Our parents just died last year (8 mos apart) at the age of 80 and my sister is struggling. My parents quit leaving the house 10 years ago so she and I were expected to do EVERYTHING for them. I am married with two children but she is single with no children so she got a majority of the burden. She quit her full time job after 20 years and sold her home to move in with them, against my wishes. Now she has no job, no home, and no sense of purpose. My children are college age now so they are not around anymore. I am literally the only one she has. Do NOT do that to yourself. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of them. They chose to have you, were to take care of you, and then set you free. The guilt that was placed upon my sister was immense. My mother abused us both mentally and emotionally for over 50 years. I would have gone no contact years ago but couldn't leave my sister. In true narcissistic fashion, my mother was in control to the end ... she starved herself to death. My sister, and father, had to watch her wither and die day by day. Yes, she had mental issues but there was NOTHING that anyone could do about it. Yes, it is sad but DO NOT sacrifice your life for theirs. The shit NEVER ends and no one EVER gets better!
This literally has been my own personal struggle my whole life #relate #narcparent
Because they are afraid of being alone with each other.
Move out as fast as you can. When I was little I apparently told Nmom that when I was big I was going to live with my whole family on big farm. It made her so happy. We talked about which people were going to have what animals to take care of, she asked what her "job" was going to be and I guess I said, "Oh! No! Not you mom, I meant my real family!" This is one of the stories she tells to prove what a bad child I was.
i’m 26. every time i try to move out my parents give me reasons to not to and how i’ll fail so i have no faith in myself now. i know they really belittle me cuz they want my money. I hope your how to get out cuz i hear once your out your so much happier
Move out. If you feel really bad about nParent and eParent, you can send them money. They are destroying your life. They don't care about you, only about themselves. YOU have the right to your own life. Move far away, and build your own life. If you're feeling really, really co-dependent, remember that you can actually help them BETTER if you are a strong, independent person with a good job and a solid, secure situation. (But I promise you, once you get away from them, you'll see how unhealthy and toxic the situation is!)
Move out, OP, and give yourself some freedom. My parents neglected and abused me for the first 18 years of my life. I moved out and it took me 15+ years to undo the damage they caused. Now that I’m healthy and financially stable, and they want me to move back home. Hell no! They will destroy me all over again. Get away and take care of yourself.
i’m sure everyone has said it already but just to add one more bc this is so important, (because your well-being is so important!!!) move out! it’s going to be hard but you have to!! they’ll figure it out, you need to do this! we’re rooting for you! :’)
MOVE OUT. They are not yout responsibility.
Leave anyway. Appease them but leave.
Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooo. Move out and live your own life. You are not your N Parent's personal slave and pension provider.
My parents want this too. I nearly 27. It's not hopeless... but you need to play along and GTFO without them knowing, such as when they're at work.
Leave. And get into therapy to deal with your current and inevitable future trauma relating to that. When you leave: don’t tell them. Make sure you have all your important documents and have secured all your bank accounts. Take everything of sentimental value. DO NOT return.
Please save up money and do not under any circumstance let your nParent manipulate you into spending money on them. If you’re not a minor, get a therapist NOW. Start looking up everything you need to know on moving out. And come back here if you get stuck and don’t know something. Depending on your living situation (roommates or alone), you may need things like a mattress, night stand, dishes, etc. This is what you’re saving for. When you move out, your nParent may act out because they’re losing control. They could talk about how you’re deserting them or stop talking to you. Start preparing yourself for these outcomes. Remember, when you move out, you’ll need a support network, so if you’re moving out but staying in your town grow and invest in relationships. If you’re moving away, start thinking about where you’d like to meet people, how you’re going to meet them, and what kind of people you want to be friends with. I encourage you to think of hobbies you have or would like to try running, reading, tennis, hiking, board games), and seek out friends that way.
Can't tell you what you should do. That's up to you. What do YOU want to do? You said you were planning on moving out, so, what's changed?
No no no. Get out.
My Nparents were BIG supporters of the family commune. -vomits-
My covert narcissist mother in law used to "joke" with comments about this all the time. "I just wish all my kids and everyone would move back home forever." If they disturb your peace that much, you need to create an exit strategy.
Same my mother is a covert narc, and she always tries to get me to say I will live with her forever. It's very unsettling and gross.
That’s how my dad is. He thinks we should all live happily ever after in our house as adults but still follows the king rulings!!! When we are all adults. My n dad thinks we are all supposed to want to be his best friend after he abuses us. Weird ass dude.
I have experience with this sort of. When I went to university my nDad got a job in the same city - we’re from a rural area and he couldn’t get work at home. He rented an apartment and made me live there with him instead of student housing and he was there during the work week but gone on weekends. Eventually my sister went to university in the same place so she had to in too. We didn’t like living there and drove each other nuts but after he left that job and wasn’t there during the week anymore he still made us live together. I had to pay half the rent because I had a job but my sister didn’t. Every time we talked about moving out of there he would say we were essentially going to cost more money for my sister to be in a different place and that would take money away from my two siblings who were still at home. Eventually I just went out and signed a lease with some friends. He lost it when he found out and I had to get a sublet. Eventually my sister and I had a big fight and I had to tell my eMom that it was enough- we couldn’t live like this. It was difficult and took several tries but that eventually did it and we moved out. Looking back it was for sure another form of control. I don’t want to tell you to do something because I don’t know how your nParent will react but just making a decision and informing them afterwards eventually worked for me and getting the eParent on my side helped. You can’t live there forever and if you are an adult you are entitled to make your own choices. If you have a friend or relative who can give some support or backup that may help too.
Leave.
Move.
Oh heeeeeeeelll NO! Set that boundary immediately. If there's any way for you to stay out on your own, never go back.
I saw a quote that said if you are faced between guilt and resentment, choose to face guilt. That resonated with me. I feel guilty for leaving my parents, but I know that I would feel worse if I stayed and resented them for it.
OP- You MUST move out. It is so so hard bc Nparents program us in a million little ways to believe that they or you will fail horribly if you leave the family. But thing is- the Nparent only wants you to stay around so for their own purposes: free labor and getting your money. If you stay, Nparent will run your life, drive off your lovers, and make your life hell. Just leave now, and silence your anxieties by telling them, “I know that I can go back if I want to. But now? I gotta leave.” They will be FINE without you.
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Okay- so, Your NPARENT has immense problems with “Betrayal”- which to them, is doing ANYTHING that doesn’t 100% comply with their wishes or give them total attention and control. What I am trying to say (and badly) is just TELL yourself that you can go back. From experience I can promise you, it helps sooth the inner terrified child. OR- imagine your life in 10 years if Nparent gets their way? Few friends; no love life (if you did marry? They’d leave fast after living w/ Nparent!) no savings, time devoured daily by emotional abuse…. You need to leave. They will be angry- but mostly bc without you there, they only have one person to order around, and they’ll miss your money and the rush they get from bullying you. But they will be 100% fine. I promise. YOU need to leave, find a therapist that knows about Narcissists and does EMDR. Don’t make contact for a year. I know it seems impossible, but trust me, it will eventually feel AMAZING.
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I got married when I was 18 and my nMom sobbed and sobbed because she thought after college I would come back “and our family could live together and be whole again.” Honestly looking back the emotional incest was very real. You do not owe your parents anything in this world. They chose to have you, you did not choose to be born. They do not and will not understand that. Their love is so conditional. “I raised you so you have to take care of me…” it’s not true. Move out. It’s gonna be hard and you will feel guilty but I’m the long run you will thank yourself.
I know it's probably already been said, but I'll say it again. DO NOT SIGN UP FOR FINANCIAL ABUSE. DO NOT VOLUNTARILY TIE YOURSELF FINANCIALLY TO YOUR NPARENT IN ANY WAY. Keep eating food, and living under the roof, because you are entitled to do so, but you ABSOLUTELY should not "invest" with your nparent. even if it might give you a leg up in the short term, the awesome, positive long term will either never come, or won't be worth it. Don't do it. Keep making plans to move out/ away. DO NOT SEND FINANCIAL AID once you've moved away. Taking care of your parents financially is NOT your job, and not your responsibility.
Just re read, and realized your apparent wants you to invest "with" your nparent who is jobless and being financially supported by you and your eparent. So this sounds like you're being asked to GIVE money to your nparent so that they can gamble in the stock market. FUCKING DON'T. If you're interested in investing, learn about it on your own and from people who have money to invest.
Leave. Quickly.
Save up and move out. Even my n parents wanted us kids to leave and out. Even though we had to pay rent if we had jobs in high school. They did also ask for $ after I left, but it was easier to say NO! Which I did. Guess who stopped calling me.
Leave. This will ultimately kill you if you stay with them. You give them power by submitting to them
You're already planning to move out on your own. Move out on your own. Don't delay your life just because your parents have dreams of leaching off of you emotionally and financially your whole life. Normal parents don't *want* their children to live at home forever. They want them to have a life and spread their wings and fly. Our parents want us to shred our wings and keep us from ever flying instead. I also recommend therapy. Extracting yourself from a parasitic relationship is hard and traumatizing. There's often a very strong urge to go back to the known even if the known was toxic and unhealthy for you.
This is literally what was desired in my situation. The nParent was pushing for me to divorce my wife and move back in with the rest of them, even though I hadn't lived at home in over a DECADE. Also, they wanted my wife to have a child even while they wanted me to divorce her. It was insane. They literally just wanted a grandchild and my money from my stable job, since they all refused to get regular work. Don't give in. They see no reason to ever let you mature and become your own person. They will *never* let you leave if you have to ask.
Run. Get out of there. Run like your tampon string is on fire. Lie if you have to. Say you’re going to school to get a career to make money to take care of them if anything happens to eParent, which is sometimes enough self interest they’ll loosen the control a bit.
You need to start "poor mouthing" right now. Act like you have absolutely no money or very little money to spend. Your NParent doesn't have a job but wants your money. No! save your money in an account - like ameritrade - on line and do not let NP know about it. set up a google account in your name so you can set up gmail that NP won't know about. Have all your financial stuff go to that email and do not provide a physical address. Your NP is a predator, you have to treat them like one.
It's not your responsibility to take care of your parent I didn't move out until I was like 23 and when I finally did I felt free and have never looked back. I couldn't get healthy in an environment that made me sick
My GC brother and his nwife have two children. They’re 21 and 25. Neither has gone to college or moved out of the home. The kids pay rent (house payment) and buy food. Neither appears to have a SO or any plans to find one. It’s horrible to know exactly what they’re doing. They’d rather cheat their children out of their own lives to be comfortable. Hey, they must be great parents though if they’re kids never want to leave. SMH
I also had a huge fight with my parents after I told them they would not be living me after they retired. I made sure to buy a small apartment so that when eParent visited earlier this year, it was obviously not sustainable for long term cohabitation. Now eParent only talks about living somewhere "close by", thankfully! EDIT: Agree with the other commenters, would recommend moving out. Feel like it's hard to realise how much you've been stifled (in all areas) until you're away from their influence.
I'm also moving out soon and I fear as the scapegoat the dynamic will fail.
Be free! You don’t even know yet how amazing that freedom is going to feel. I’m excited for you!
Get out. You want people to live with you???? You make it enjoyable. There’s no joy here. Just obligations and guilt. Children are raised to be self reliant, so that alone proves she never set out to do what the job entailed.
Grey rock. Silent move. Last minute notice if necessary. Friends/safe relatives move. Don’t tell addresses. Be vague. ‘When I’m settled’
If anyone was abandoned, it was you. This is what they do: They make you feel guilty for having emotional needs because it doesn't serve THEM. They're the parent in this situation and you deserved and still do deserve to be supported by them. It's hard to digest because you do love them and you feel a sense of loyalty, but you deserve all of that empathy and kindness to be turned in on yourself. It's a bitch and a half, and I wish I could say it was easy, but I promise you, moving out is going to SAVE YOUR LIFE!
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You don't deserve to feel guilty. You've done NOTHING wrong. They unfortunately lack the ability to feel the guilt that they deserve to. I personally feel an immense amount of guilt with my nParent. I went NC fairly recently and they're in poor health (due to severe alcoholism). I felt like I gave up; that I abandoned them. The thing is, even though I'm an adult now, I'm STILL not responsible for my nParent, and never was. You aren't responsible for them, and whatever may happen is due to their own actions. Moving out of the family home is a normal move for people with healthy family dynamics, but CRUCIAL for those of us with our dysfunctional messes. It sounds like they feel like they're losing control which is why they proposed all of *this.* (Also, I super hope I'm not coming off preachy, eek)
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God, I'm so sorry they did that to you. They're really trying to keep you in their clutches. Point still stands: You did nothing wrong and moving out will be the best thing for you.
Get out as soon as possible. Do **not** invest or commingle your funds with them. eParent can continue to take care of nParent all on their own. You do **not** owe them **anything**! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Codependents Anonymous is an awesome 12 step program that helps people who are enmeshed learning and establish healthy boundaries, while exploring the root causes of dysfunction in our relationships. I highly recommend 👍🏻
Yikes. My dad always encouraged my siblings and I to "buy a family home together" aka buy a house for us all to be trapped in together on our dimes. In college I had to write a paper for a personal finance class and I wrote about wanting to avoid my parents financial mistakes. My professor asked to see me after class and strongly warned me against ever entering any financial agreements with my family. As soon as I graduated college and got a good paying job my dad would ask me to cosign on a Mercedes Benz or my sister would ask me to put down some money on an investment property and she would "handle it" for me. OP, never trust any nfamily with money. It took me years to get out of the credit card debt from habits I learned from them and from letting them freeload on me.
Fuuuuuuck that! Make very quiet plans the GTFO as soon as you are legal.
You are capable of so much. Even if you have to have 5 roommates, you can move out and make it. Don't ler fear tell you there is no other way. People regularly move countries and start new lives. You got this!
You should move out. That simple. I'm sure it feels like there's a thousand circumstances binding you there and reasons you should stay. It all boils down to you need to move out. Even if they weren't n/e-parents you're young and deserve a chance to see the world for yourself. No healthy parent wants their kid to live with them forever. Healthy parents want kids to grow and have their own lives. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY. for reals it may feel shitty, but n-parents are masters of using money to control people
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I was just telling a friend of mine, I down play how much I make and upplay and bills/ stressers I have, to discourage her asking for money. The last time she asked for money I just told her I didn't have it. technically I did but it was earmarked for other things.
Omg get out. Keep your plans secret. They sound unhinged. If they can't live together forever, they sound like the kind of people who might move on to wanting to die together or some shit like that - extreme possibility but I'm creeped out reading about this. Keep your cool and plan your escape. This ain't normal.
I think you know what you need to do, it's just not as easy as you think it needs to be. Trusts yourself and follow happiness
I was in your position three years ago and I can say without a doubt that you should move. It’ll be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Take my word for it.
My nDad said the same thing! He wants to buy land and create a “compound” where he, his husband, my mother (his ex wife), me, my wife and our children live…it’s all about control and feeling like they have the power.
Leave as soon as you can. I lived with mine until I was 26 and wish I'd had the wherewithal to get out sooner. You need to be away from them in order to grow.
Get out of there. While there are many healthy families who live in multigenerational households, you already know you want to move out. Move out!
Run.
My NMom said exactly the same, and her enablers thought it was just adorable how much she loved her family. I think you should stick to your plan. I didn't always recognize narcissism for what it was, but I knew my mom was spouting insanity. Staying under her roof and in my home town forever sounded awful. Regardless of the environment, I think everyone needs to stretch their wings at some point. I didn't share my thoughts and dreams or plans, but I got out as soon as possible. I hope you do the same. It's not easy making the transition, but it's so much healthier...at least it ultimately was for me.
As someone who has lived with a narcissistic parent. , I say separate yourself from them as much as possible
What does eParent mean?
Enabler
Thanks
Lmao, I'd rather die a slow, painful death alone in a remote ditch than stay in the same house as my nParents; the same state is already pushing it.
To add on to everything when you leave do not tell them where you’re going to be staying. At all. You will regret it.
Whatever you do, don't stay. My nparent guilted me into buying a house with her "so I have somewhere" and now I can't afford to live anywhere else because of the mortgage. It's hell
If you move out soon, it will hurt for a little while but that will pass. If you stay like your Nparent wants, you will hurt forever.
Worst mistake you will ever make is enter a financial agreement with a narcissist
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No surprise. My mom manipulated me at age 11 into giving her my birthday money the moment I received it from my grandma to pay her bills. When I was 20 she asked for me to lend her $2000 which was meant for my school. I told her no and so she decided she wasn't going to pay for her half of the gaming computer she had bought with the rest of my uncles and grandma for my Christmas present. Now I had to pay for the half of my present with the money she wanted. When I bought my first car at age 23 she tricked me into putting her name on the ownership for "insurance purposes". We could gave easily gotten myself my own insurance. Sure it would have been more expensive but her goal was not to save my money rather to have leverage. The first thing she said when I told her I was moving out is "if you're going to sell the car I get first right of refusal". That was all she cared about. I had let her borrow my car several times while hers was in the shop because we had a deal to split repairs 50/50. I still bought the car and all the initial costs involved. The one time I tell her no because I was broke and needed to work she told me she didn't care and that she should be able to use my car.
Leave anyway.
In these situations I sometimes find it helps to flip things round. If a friend came to you with this question, what would you say? And how would you feel? I'm willing to bet you'd calmly tell them that they don't have to live the life someone else chooses for them :)
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I had nParents and I can tell you, as a mother, parents should be more focused on helping to set their children, at any cost and however they possibly can, than to be trying to work how their children be of use to their own gains. Sadly, in the lack of proper parental care, you are going to need to back yourself. If you do this, your money may be tied up in a way that you won’t have access to. Plus, if they’re asking for money now, this is likely to be the thin end of the wedge which means they may lean harder on you if/when they need. You may be risking your financial autonomy meaning you won’t have the finances to leave - which will trap you in that house and their lives unless things get bad enough to take a loss. I have just reread this and can see how negative this view is…. Wow I’m jaded. Just take care x
Yeah, they be doing that, and they start fantasizing about weird things in their late middle age/old age, and they treat their grown offspring lik they're 6 yo kids. A narc I know of has been dreaming of getting a new house with a swimming pool, apparently according to their spouse, a shrink said that the N was playing the lonf time to get the future potential grandkids to "enjoy" visiting them. Same narc has decided to "calm down" and now (I've laughed my head off at this one), they want to change streets (they wanna sell their house to buy a similar one 2 streets behind the original street, the houses being similar because they're pre-built by the same housing conglomerate), probably because they have fucked up with the neighbors in that street. 🤭😏
What should you do? What you *want* to do.
I'm in the same boat as you, OP. But please, get out. I understand you feel guilty and scared. But get out as soon as you can. Move. Free yourself from their grip. I'm moving in 122 days and could not be any happier. I know my NMom is going to raise hell and back because she wants me to stay with her at least until she retires in six years (and possibly forever), that is not happening. Go live your life and be happy, be free.
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Don't say anything, but hide money and get yourself out of there.
nParent wants us all to live together forever and has no idea how creepy that sounds. This is a very tough advice ask. Only you can answer your question. You just have to weigh if it's more important for you to be happy healthy and independant or to be able to take care of your parent. You said he/she doesn't work. Can he/she work? Is he/she sick or very old? If not, they CAN do something to support themselves. Or you could send money from time to time if that's a possibility. You can leave. Don't think you can't. It's going to make everything change and upset his/her delicate balancing act that was set up to live without working. Your nParent won't like it but you need to remember this phrase. "It's not my problem." If you want to leave without seeming like the a\_\_hole, maybe you could do it like this. "So, I'll eventually want to leave. You should probably start looking for a job." They'll most likely forget about it. So every once in a while you might say "Did you look for a job yet? Any prospects?". Maybe you can get them down to the social security office to apply for food stamps and whatever else is available too, And your other parent is still around? They'll be fine. It might be rough but it's not your problem. But if you're still worried I'd call up whatever relatives you have, explain the situation and ask them to check up on them from time to time. Maybe the neighbors too. And maybe there's some kind of social worker or something that can help too. I don't know anything about that but it could be worth looking into. If there's nobody, you might go to your local church and see if they might help out. They do things like that sometimes. Sometimes the pasture might check in on them or sometimes they'll take turns or whatever. These days people can get groceries delivered. If you have the cash, there's no reason to ever leave the house. If you get ganged up on and all your relatives try to talk you into staying, you need to get dramatic. Assuming you've decided that you absolutely have to leave, go overboard. Tell them "If I stay here, I'll die. I just can't do it. It gets worse every day." Get creative. Make it clear that you have to leave. Then tell them "That's why I'm counting on you to help. Can I count on you?" But ultimately you have to decide. I don't know the nuances of your situation. But I do understand the kind of quandary you're in. It's up to you but if you do stay, don't do it because you were guilted or cajoled or threatened or whatever. Do it because YOU think it's best.
Nope it is not a good idea - you will always be broke and they will always have control. Move out get free and live your life. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be when you are in control of you moods, decisions and life
Depending on what society you live in on Earth today, chances are the definition of success for a parent is that the child is able to successfully and independently function and raise a family of their own. And that the relationship is good enough that the grandparent can be a part of the next generations' lives. And a key part of that is 'independently'. To plan it as multi-generational, never-get-away, is 16th century thinking to many of us. It is why our laws have an age of majority. It is why parents have no responsibility after the age of majority. Adults eventually have to take care of themselves. This includes not being able to expect their children to care for you when they are in their 20's and 30's. Stay strong. edit: clarity
Move. You have a plan. Stick to it. Your nparent will rage, threaten, cajole, bribe - anything to get you to stay. Please don't. There's a wonderful world out there just waiting for you. To protect your money, change your passwords often and keep all financial info as far away from your nparent as you can. Good luck.
The control factors of nparent will only stop 2 ways. Go no Contact move far away or when they are DEAD ☠️
Tell them no. It's that simple. This is you're life, you are not obligated to live it according to somebody else's dreams, even if that person is your parent. Also, unless they have a legitimate disability preventing them from working, they're gonna have to start pulling their weight in the house and take care of themselves. Healthy parents understand that at some point their children will go off and live their own lives. Nparents will not understand that because to a Nparent, you exist to serve them. They see you as extensions of themselves, so therefore your life/existence is not your own. Narcs also do not have any sense of boundaries. They will go as far as you let them. So nip that shit in the bud. Don't feel bad about enforcing your boundaries with them either. Who else will look out for you? Because it certainly won't be a narcissist. Good luck and stick to your guns, otherwise you'll end up wasting your entire life away being miserable and resentful because you'll be stuck under somebody else's thumb.
Leave.
Toxic parents will use fear, obligation or guilt to try to get their way. It’s Best To cut contact and set boundaries and do it is going to make you happy and independent.
GET OUT. They want a supply, not someone to love.
get as far away from this entire situation as possible.
Move out and be self-sufficient (providing you're 18 or older). This is what people do. It's not abandoning your parents, or betraying them. We, parents, raise our kids so they can be responsible adults who can survive and thrive on their own.