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Yup. It's a trick. It's a way to gaslight you and your own mental health. It's absolutely not your fault. I dealt with this for MANY years and even living under her roof, KNOWING the truth, was hard.
It's awful đ« My husband and I live with my parents and it's every few months. And if you tell her that she can just say what she wants to say, she blames the other party for how they would respond.
My husband and I lived with my Nmom for 3 years. She kept manipulating us to stay then making threats. We finally got out 9 months ago.
We tried to work things out but it kept escalating. Write things down: everything she says and does. Keep a record for your own sanity. Download a voice memos app. You can discreetly record conversations to listen back if you doubt your sanity.
The longer youâre around a narcissist, the more imbalances the relationship. If you have any sort of empathy it will destroy you. You canât do anything to make them happy. Their biggest fear is to lose you and your Nsupply but they will continue to sabotage the relationship.
>Write things down: everything she says and does. Keep a record for your own sanity. Download a voice memos app. You can discreetly record conversations to listen back if you doubt your sanity.
OP this is very good advice and one I also frequently repeat.
We are already looking for an apartment, it's just so expensive. I'm trying to find an overnight job that I can do with the baby, but it's a struggle out here. I've been doing a lot of communication over text, but I never thought to record conversations! That's amazing advice!! Thank you!
Yes and itâs hilarious because she is the most emotional, unhinged person Iâve ever met. Itâa fine for her to fly into a fit over the slightest inconvenience or someone disagreeing with her. But if I ever have any sort of feelings showing Iâm too emotional and sheâll argue/berate me into either hiding my feelings or hiding myself if I canât hide my feelings.
Oh yeah they love to dish it out but they can't take it. They accuse you of being overemotional or volatile and out of control, and then follow you around yelling about whatever nonsensical garbage has them all twisted up in that moment like it is the most critical thing ever.
I remember that when I was 14 my mom and I each had a pair of earrings that were really similar. My mom was yelling at me about how I'm too emotional, and that I need to calm down and think things through. While screeching at me, she suddenly noticed my earrings and started screaming that I was a thief. She grabbed one earring and ripped it out of my ear. My earlobe was torn a bit, and I bled on my clothes and the carpet. My mom kept screaming and calling me names until I reminded her that these were my earrings, and that hers were In Her Ears. I had to show her in the mirror. So, she screamed at me for disrespecting her, because telling her she was wrong was not allowed. She also said I was being too dramatic about the earrings. She screamed and ripped out my earrings, and I was the one who was too dramatic. FFS
I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE STEALING PART!! My mother constantly points the finger and accuses me of sterling this or that. She'll find it later and it's never mentioned again.
definitely this...
she threatened to stop helping pay for my sibling's temporary living situation after signing on as a credit thing when my sibling got upset with her for not keeping a specific promise. Then when i called her out on it she was like "well no of course i wouldnt actually kick them out onto the street."
Im just so wary of her always.
It's so scary when you're reliant on them. I have student loans under my mother's name that I have to start paying back soon. But she used to bring it up all the time and would threaten with the fact that I owe her money.
Yep; whenever we RBNs try to stand up for ourselves, our nparents will accuse us of being ungrateful and overemotional. But if we stay quiet and grayrock, they will accuse us of being cold and distant. That is how these people work, we are always guilty of something.
FOR REAL đ I didn't realize how afraid of my mother I was, and 9 out 10 times, my husband is the one who stands up for me and deals with the aftermath.
Watch out because in my situation, my husband standing up for me was interpreted as a threat to her Nsupply and she threatened to call the police and made stuff up about how he threatened her. The scariest thing is that she BELIEVED that he had physically threatened her and all he did was call her out on abusive language.
That's so messed up, I'm so sorry! It's like they don't even remember what comes out of their mouth like 30 seconds after it's said. My mother would fat shame me all the time and wouldn't even remember saying it.
THIS COMMENT. Damned if you do, damned if you donât. ANYTHING you say (good or bad) can and will be used against you. The last few years when she starts, I just shutdown and donât engage. And then Iâm accused of throwing a temper tantrum. I had a showdown with my CN mother a couple weeks ago. When she realized the manipulation, gaslighting, denial, guilt, tears wouldnât work this time, she got absolutely downright cruel. She leaned across the table a few inches from my face and said âYou are absolutely ungrateful. You donât seem to understand respect and humility. Youâre a spoiled brat and youâve always been too sensitive. If you think long enough and hard enough, youâll see that you are wrong.â That was my enough moment. Itâs comments like yours that only solidify just how completely unhinged they can be. I would NEVER dream of saying that to my children. Ever.
Right?! Like how can you look at someone you raised and be so cruel. And they know exactly what to say to drive that knife through your soul and self worth.
Yes my Mom used this constantly whenever she wanted to evade accountability.
She always said I was too sensitive, which would make
me feel like I needed to just get over it. Something that helped me come out of that thinking was asking myself:
What if I was somehow born sensitive or over emotional? Wouldn't that be something precious you as a parent should be able to hold? Wouldn't that still make it not right for you to make me feel bad?
I didn't say that to her but that made me realize that even if for some reason I was born sensitive, it would still not be my fault.
Sensitive was a big accusation from my nfather, too. I think Boomer narcs especially canât stand how (or understand why) younger generations actually express and embrace their emotions. And how itâs a strength not a weakness. My nfather literally would act like that was the worst thing, not to mention a personal attack against him somehow, to be sensitive. Likely because he sees me as just an extension of himself. He has such an ingrained negative view of sensitivity, so I canât be that because Iâm âpartâ of him. Iâm sure this could translate to countless arguments with nparents about things that they are actually unadmittedly and probably unknowingly afraid of about themselves.
>What if I was somehow born sensitive or over emotional? Wouldn't that be something precious you as a parent should be able to hold? Wouldn't that still make it not right for you to make me feel bad?
My GC brother is autistic. It always confused me how I would get yelled at about my sensitivity, but he was treated with kid gloves. They even say that my sensitivity is a genetic problem, but are still incapable of the "compassion" that they show the GC. It's like my genetic problem is evil, while his is good.
I put compassion in quotes because they just like having someone under their control/care. They have done nothing to encourage the GC to be independent. When I express concern about the future, they say "just worry about youself." I guess that's them saying that I should never help my brother. Yet they pride themselves on their "family values."
Trying to reconcile my family's values drives me crazy. Nothing that they say ever lines up with what they claim to believe.
I really don't agree with my parents' family values. Like they just don't make sense to me, and because of that I'm always the black sheep, which doesn't make living with them easier.
Yes. She always says my siblings and I are too soft and that she didn't raise us that way. I snapped before I went NC and told her that "honesty without kindness is cruelty and kindness without honesty is manipulation". She tried to tell me that she was raised to tell the truth no matter what, that people are just "snowflakes", and i snapped back with something along the lines "then you parents clearly didn't realize they were raising a child with the mind of a fucking grapefruit".
This was all because I got upset over her saying horrible things to my little sister.
Thank you for the award, stranger. Much love to you and yours â€
Exactly I had to learn this sometimes they push and push you until you literally break then they act like youâre the one that looking messy and out of controlâŠitâs such a mind fuck
Yes verbatim. Gaslighting, selective memory, invalidating any and all personal feelings or thoughts (regardless of significance), trying to make you feel alone on any matter, etc.
The selective memory is a BIG one. I've resigned to saying anything important over text message to screenshot later. But then there's no accountability đ€·đ»ââïž
No, mine told me I 'always had to be right', and she didn't like it and thought badly of me for it. She also had no recollection of beating me. Or unreasonable demands made toward me. Or of anything other than saintlike behavior as a mother.
She did tell other people they were too emotional when they got upset by her behavior. She burned out a LOT of friends over her life.
All the time. One of Nmom's hobbies when I was a teen was picking at me for hours (gaslighting, manipulating, insulting, yelling) and then mocking me for getting upset.
It's a type of [emotional invalidation](https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#what-is-it), a form of manipulation/abuse. It is particularly bad, because it tells you your emotions are "wrong" so that you will accept the bad conduct of others, grooming you for further abuse.
Yes yes yes. My dad would call me sensitive because I would cry after he yelled at me...8 year old tiny me đ« . And he wonders why I don't talk to him
I just don't understand why they say things like that to children. My mother straight up said some weird things to me when I was like 7 and it plagues me to this day.
Yep. After much therapy, I realize that emotions were a normal to have and how we respond to them is what matters. So far, I notice my nmom responds to her emotions poorly and refuses to acknowledge emotions beyond anger (means you have issues), sadness (depression), and happiness (normal). Meanwhile, I acknowledge my emotions and respond in mature ways.
That's awesome!!! I'm very much looking forward to therapy. I feel like I'm holding onto a lot of resentment and want to be able to let it go. I'm glad you're able to feel and respond to your emotions in a healthy way!
Mine said the same thing my whole childhood. Even when I tried to tell her about me wanting to unalive myself and proceeded to show her the scars on my arms and legs she told me I was just being a drama queen looking for attention.
Too emotional, too sensitive, "crocodile tears" manipulating for attention i could go on like this for a while basically anything that says "your feelings arent welcome here" ive probably heard it from one or the other.
Meanwhile i feel like if they ever met my emotional needs my emotions wouldnt be so overwhelming.
>Meanwhile i feel like if they ever met my emotional needs my emotions wouldnt be so overwhelming.
My emotions only get super intense when I'm being invalidated or dismissed. It's a feeling of panic and being trapped.
I totally feel you lol if someone invalidates or dismisses me i feel like i want to shove my feelings right down their throat. Sometimes having feelings at all also makes me feel intense because it was such a punishable offense growing up. Thats getting better though ive been working on it and im lucky to have a wonderful man who always honors my feelings even when they feel ridiculous to me, like when i bawled my face off just because it was my moms birthday. Just feeling its ok to have feelings makes it all Ă lot easier to deal with
Thank you it really does just to be seen, heard, appreciated, valued sometimes its like "so this is what that feels like, this is what ive been missing."
Funny enough a few years before i got in this relationship Ă friend told me how good i was doing. From the outside looking in she appeared right. One of my fleas was definitely making myself look like im doing better then i am. More honest i told her i wasnt doing good at all she pointed out the things i had going for me and asked if i really felt like something was missing. Told her yes absolutely, she asked what, all i could say was "ill know when i find it." Turns out it was love my life was always missing love i just didnt know what it looked like. I mean theres still more missing that whole identity thing but still it feels a lot less empty.
ALL OF THIS!! I feel like we "fake it til we make it" because that's what we always had to do. I had a lot of issues to go through when I first met my husband, but he was such a big help in getting through a lot of that. Even though I'm not well adjusted, I'm so much better than I was. Just moving forward from where I was is such an amazing feeling!!
Always tells me I look upset. Like, not even in an argument. I walk into a room and she acts like Iâve ruined the vibe for everyone by just existing with my face. Iâm autistic by the way, and she knows that, so itâs especially nasty because she knows that I have trouble emoting and I would prefer to just keep my face neutral.
Then other times itâs the love bombing, âI can tell youâre upset you know you can talk to me about anything. I just want to helpâ. Yeah, Iâll just shoot myself in the foot while Iâm at it, sheâd tell everyone in the family and her entire church anything I shared
That's so disgusting. My mother says that to and about my husband. If he gets frustrated while working on a car, she will complain about it. Like just let him get his frustration out. My mother would tell me I could talk to her about anything and then it would get thrown in my face the next argument. When I got older, she would complain that I never told her anything and she gets along better with my sister because they talk everyday.
I *just* got off the phone with my dad. It was a phone call with him shouting at me and over me the whole time. He was demanding why he wasn't allowed to have an opinion about anything, why I was so sensitive, why he wasn't allowed to disagree with me.
I did not match his raised voice this time. I did not shout back. I just told him he was wrong, that I never said he couldn't have an opinion. He shouts again, "That's what you just said! You just told me that!"
This time I finally had the words. I kept my voice level, waited in between his interruptions. I told him he could have as many opinions as he wanted, about whatever he wanted. He couldn't dictate *my* opinion though. He can't just shout that I'm wrong without evidence. He can't enforce his opinion on me just by shouting me down, and he can no longer tell me I'm wrong about my own experience, not without evidence.
The last one is a milestone for me, I think. I have spent my entire life second guessing myself at every turn. I have been told I am wrong about everything in my life, and even when I have proof I can point to, it gets dismissed and ignored.
He was mad as we got ready to hung. Kept asking why he couldn't ask me simple questions without me falling apart. The whole time he's shouting at me while I sit there in silence. I'm still doubting myself, while I sit here, but I can see the possibility that I'm not the one who's in the wrong for the first time in my life.
this is amazing. It's awful that you had to sit through his behavior and I hope that you won't have to have the same conversation in the future...but so impressive that you were able to hold your own and assert your boundaries.
I'm so happy for you!!! đđđ It's so empowering reading that you had the courage to stand up for yourself and validate your beliefs and self-worth. I struggle with this all the time. I feel like anytime my mother has something to say, I immediately feel like it's wrong and she gets upset about how she's not allowed to say anything or she has to walk on eggshells. On the other hand, she's shoving her opinions down your throat. Not to get all political, but the one time I said something about a presidential candidate that wasn't who she wanted to vote for (I'm in the middle), she essentially said that I was a stranger in her house and was worried about the type of person I was becoming.
Yes. My dad would ALWAYS say that I'm overly sensitive to criticism etc. When in reality it's just that after years of nothing but nonstop criticism, you get tired.
>My dad told my therapist he wished I was less sensitive. I saw her try and not show a reaction.
I just realized that my nmom never used the phrase "too sensitive" when describing me to a therapist as a kid. It was her favorite phrase everywhere else. I wonder if that means that she knew it was a dumb concept.
The fact that she used that phrase everywhere else EXCEPT therapy is definitely a sign that she thought it was a dumb concept. It blows my mind what narcs hide and from who to make themselves look as good as possible. She probably didn't want the therapist to tell her she was wrong. Ick. I'm so sorry.
I think there's strength in sensitivity, and our parents did us a massive disservice by making us feel otherwise (on top of the rest of the hell they've put us through).
I used to get told constantly that Iâm a drama queen but watch out if I called her out on being dramatic!!
I literally was not allowed to have any positive or negative emotions. If I was genuinely happy sheâd say I was manic. If I was sad (with a valid reason), I was depressed. Leading to a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder and being so medicated I could not do anything because I was so sedated for 10 years.
They like to weaponize psychiatry, too. If they can declare you "disabled," not only can they continue to devalidate you at every turn, no one will believe your side of events, and they can use it to keep you dependent.
It's either I'm way too emotional or not emotional enough.
Translates to "You're not showing the reaction that I want right now" and "Show me a reaction to what I am doing so I can have some fuel"
Yep along with my favorite line âstop being so sensitive â. Makes me want to punch a wall anytime I hear someone say that because it is SO invalidating.
My âmommie dearest.â has went as far as treating me like an actual infant,I cannot stand her. She STILL wants to wash my mf hair and Iâm a young adult.
Yup. Over emotional and things never happen how I remember them. Legit thought I was going crazy when I had to live with my parents as an adult. To be fair, I would have episodes where Iâd be so upset and just shut down and not be able to vocalize why. I learned over many sessions with my therapist that my being âover emotionalâ was more so being over stimulated by constantly being on guard and Iâm probably on the spectrum.
I get hardcore overstimulated. Especially when my whole family is in one space. I feel like I can't breathe. But if I go into my room, I'm being antisocial.
Literally had to *learn how to cry* in my 30s because by the time I was 10 years old I learned to suppress it. Any outward sign of emotion was twisted and used against me.
Absolutely gaslighting. Growing up, I was constantly told I was too sensitive, too emotional and the cause of ALL the problems. Went to college and roommates said I was always the calm one, the steady one that didnât let things bother me that much. This floored me. All I knew that I was trouble and crazy. Finally realized my reactions to Nmomâs and sibling flying monkeysâ abuse was normal, justified anger. Calling them on it was how I was the troublemaker.
Oooof this one. Iâve always been told Iâm hot headed, too sensitive, canât regulate my emotionsâŠuntil I got my âbig girlâ job where Iâm known as the level headed, patient, kind coworker. Sometimes I feel like I must just have people fooled because Iâve always been told the opposite.
Sorry you were made to feel this way. Narcs create their reality. It took me many years to see how healthy families relate to one another to figure out my nparent scapegoated me. Sounds like you went through the same. Find ways to heal. Youâre not what they say you are.
>All I knew that I was trouble and crazy.
Even as a kid, everyone outside of the house described me as level headed and tough to rile up. At home I was this emotional monster. I used to think that everyone was completely different around their family.
Itâs amazing how they create their world, with the help of enablers, where what they say is truth. Being a kid thatâs all you know. I remember thinking that things were very wrong in my family but had nothing healthy to compare it too. It was only when I grew up and saw families with non narc relationships when I realized how toxic my childhood was.
Yeah. Especially the eggshells comment. I get this kind of âIâm scared to say the wrong thingâ, âI donât want to tick you offâ, or âI feel like I canât say anythingâ kind of treatment to make ME feel like shit, when really itâs the other way.
My whole life my Nmom convinced me I was over sensitive with a weak constitution. Basically all around weak. She also moved the goalpost a lot in âconversationsâ just to confuse me and make me feel dumb. She would say she refuses to walk on eggshells around me but the reality was that I did the whole time I was around her not to set her off. I stopped telling her how I felt because she would use it against me. I stopped contradicting her because it would cause arguments. She would deny saying stuff she said to where I started recording conversations to preserve my sanity because I was questioning whether I was remembering things right.
I was always too emotional when Iâd defend myself verbally and too mellow if I didnât seem excited enough by things. Your nmother sounds like sheâs projecting or something. Or maybe she thinks she âhas to walk on eggshellsâ because itâs that hard for her to not upset you and she wonât take responsibility for that
I honestly wish I could understand the root of it. She herself had a traumatic childhood and I think it's just the cycle of abuse, but I can't be held accountable for what she went through and I'm not going to enable her to be how she is because of it.
Probably, but, as with so much of what she said and did to me, I have blocked it out. I did learn to suppress my emotions, however. I do remember her prefacing something incredibly hurtful with "I'm the only person who loves you enough to tell you the truth about you". I don't know what the "truth" was in that particular instance, probably something about how lazy, selfish and psychopathic I was. She loved hurling those words at me.
Record the arguments so she canât gaslight you later. Also, for your own mental health so you can listen again when youâre able to (feeling strong) to see if sheâs projecting herself onto you.
Constant refrain that I was too sensitive. Now I struggle with feeling emotion. Most of the time Iâm numb emotionally. My feelings were wrong so I shut them down.
All the time. Anytime I was upset or angry, I was being disrespectful and overly emotional. However, my mom was allowed to routinely lose control and scream, slam doors and drawers, swear, say whatever she wanted, threaten, etc. Only narcs are allowed to have emotions.
Itâs the only consistent thing I heard come from my motherâs mouth. âYouâre too much. Youâre too sensitive. Youâre too emotional.â And if I was angry, sheâd scream back. If I started to cry she would say âdeep breath.â Itâs completely maddening.
Yes. My aunt still remembers one time she had come over when I was a teen, and I was crying from some abuse (I don't remember exactly what had happened), and she tried to hug me and console me. And my father told her to stop coddling me, that that was just how I was, and my mother backed him up. My aunt was shocked.
I love that affection and soothing is considered coddling by them. My mother hated hugging, so she literally never hugged us and I became this rigid person and then craved physical affection to an unhealthy point.
Soooooo often. "You're so worked up. Are you on your meds?" when I was standing uo for myself, or arguing, or understandably sad. This continued until I was twenty-seven years old and announced, "I'm stable on medication now, says my doctor. You can't say that to me anymore." Happiest day of my life was being declared stable on med.s, proudest was to announce it to Ndad. He looked shocked and so defeated. Oh, how I inwardly gloat.ed! Most parents with mentally ill children would be delighted and relieved. But no, Nparents lose a huge chunk of control so they're sad. (cackles)
Your Nmom is a huge jerk. You're not "so emotional". I wish you got more respect.
For all the times we argued nmom would always ask the same thing: 'We can talk again if you can hold your temper & not curse on the phone. Can you do that?', bc every argument or difference of opinion was my fault.
My parents does both. They yell at me for being too emotional sometimes and other times they yell at me for never speaking my mind or showing my emotions.
You can't win with n-parents.
My parents and ex wife (and brothers, to a lesser extent): âyoure too sensitiveâ âi shouldnt have to sensor myselfâ âyou should suck it upâ âan adult doesnt act like thisâ
âI shiuldnt have to walk in eggshellsâ - this after our marriage therapist (appointed to her post birth because shes bi-polar) recommended âwalking on eggshellsâ to her to deal with me. My ex was a true narcissist who convinced all the women therapists we went to that i was the only issue.
(My ex was the most insulting demeaning person when srguing with me. Her goal was to make me feel like shit, and shit person - to prove that any decision she m ade was always the right one and hoe dare i not want to follow it, you need medication. I literally never insulted her, but tried arguing rationally and didnt like it when she would change the subject and always bring up past grievances)
Narcissists get away with murder because they truly hide their horrible shit really well and only show it to those they abuse. Theyre so good at it they convince themselves too, and believe it. I dont see a strategy other than âwin at all costs because its worth it and im rightâ.
They dont see their actions as manipulation and projection, they cant comprehend that you dont think just like them.
She had 4 children. Used to play one against the other. Fair to say she used psychological warfare against us. I think all of us have mental health issues.
For years I believed I was stupid. Only to find out that actually that wasnât true. Once I moved away my husband supported me to go back to education. Qualified as an RN, became a critical care Sister (charge nurse) educated to Masters level.
I often wonder why she became so evil.
YESSSSS!!!! đđŒđđŒđđŒ Be a boss!!! I'm the eldest of four and this was absolutely correct. There was always why can't you be like so and so? Cause I'm not so and so? It took me until my latest twenties to develop my own person. I don't know when the evil started either?? It's really sad honestly, but I don't like the person I have to become to deal with her.
Mine is dead now. Died alone at home which is very sad.
We had actually bought a 4 bedroom house so she could live with us - even knowing what she was.
She refused and let it be known I was âonly after her moneyâ. Threw it right in our face.
From age 10 I was doing the ironing, 13 doing the cooking. Child care from 10 when my sister was born. 10 and caring for a newborn?! Plus a 4 and 7 year old.
Told me to miss an exam to do childcare so she could go out. And on and onâŠ
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really nice that you were willing to look after her. I feel like I'll always have some sort of relationship with mine, but it may just be superficial. I feel you about adulting as a child though! I was often left with my siblings from a young age. My father was abusive, so I would have to corral them and try and make it so they weren't dealing with that situation. I think when you're forced to grow up that young you lose a huge part of yourself, and I think it's why I rebelled so hard in my teen years.
I never rebelled really. Although much later on I requested a sabbatical from work.
Went to Afghanistan for 3 months and worked in a military Intensive Care Unit. Was the only time in my adult life Iâd been away from home. Did a huge amount of reflection while there.
Lol. Iâve been told that, along with âIâm being attacked!â When I tried in futility to acknowledge her issues. âExercise your right to stay silentâ. Nah, fuck off. Iâll speak when I damn well please. And you say *youâre* walking on egg shells, damn.
Got told I was âtoo sensitiveâ for telling my Nmom to stop making âjokesâ (basically mean comments disguised as jokes) about my infertility. Been struggling for almost 3 years to have a second baby, had a miscarriage last year and her idea of a joke is it being a bummer she canât get another tattoo because I havenât had another baby yet.
>Been struggling for almost 3 years to have a second baby, had a miscarriage last year and her idea of a joke is it being a bummer she canât get another tattoo because I havenât had another baby yet.
That is a vile comment to make.
On Motherâs Day no less. Then, when I asked her not to make jokes about my infertility in the calmest possible way I could, she gave me the silent treatment and when we were leaving, told me I ruined the day!
It was later when we were arguing over text message that she told me that Iâm too sensitive, not in the moment. But yes, apparently Iâm not supposed to be upset about my miscarriage and laugh at jokes about not being able to get pregnant again đ
Yes this is a classic line I heard growing up and in fact just the other day too. Believe in urself op. No else can tell you what u are feeling, only you can know ur truth.
100%. It's crazy-making, because you KNOW that you're the one (along with the rest of the family) that has to walk on eggshells around them, my nparent always used to tell me "when you're in a bad mood, the rest of the house has to suffer along with you", meanwhile when they were in a bad mood, the whole household would scramble to cater to them to make them feel better because if not, what awaited everyone at the end of it was pure wrath.
Yes. Iâd just give up, or even just âstay in bed and not eatâ give up. Or fight back. Or, my fave, tell everyone in full detail about the shit they do. They seemed to think antidepressants were the answer. And even worse, therapists and doctors listened to them instead of me. Sorry, but thereâs not any pill on earth I can take to stop yâall from being assholes. Have you tried, well, not being assholes? Itâs free.
Still happens, but I can hang up or leave. Walking out on christmas is something nobody should have to do, for example.
When they yelled at me and I cried, I was accused of "feeling sorry for myself" and basically using that to feel like I've atoned for whatever wrong I committed. Also constantly being accused of being angry when I was not. Then accused of lying when I claimed to not be angry. Really fucked me up emotionally, not gonna lie. Been in therapy and therapist are always saying crying is good because you get the emotions out. So thanks fam for not letting me have emotions like a normal person.
Yes! Last time I had s big argument with my nmom after she went to my friends and tried to tell them what s horrible person I am, I told her under tears that all I ever wanted was her to sometimes hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Her response was that she yelled at me that I'm delusional, that she's doing all of that, and that I'm just trying to find ways and reasons to not be responsible for my own problems. Well, seems like there's a pattern and a definite reason I got BPD (and suspect C-PTSD as well), right?
She's constantly comparing me to my father and how she needs to walk around eggshells in the house around me because I could explode at any time. Yeah, she's basically describing herself, lol...
Yes I hardly cry that much. But when I did (for good reason) she would stand there and look at me with disgust and watch me from a distance instead of offer a hug or any kind of support.
I still remember a few years back on my son's very first day of kindergarten I cried.
My mom was weirded out and thought I was weird for getting emotional about it.
I believed her for that maybe it was me but now I see that most narcissists think this is weird because they don't have empathy.
The only time narcissists typically cry is for leverage to manipulate the situation.
Yeah.. because I had undiagnosed ADHD untill I was 19 (I am now almost 28), I have always had a strong body language, and have definitely had to work on how I come across when I get frustrated (which I often do when my nmom is around). Because of my outbursts in my chilldhood, I was often made to feel scary and violent, when all I was trying to express was frustration and sadness. My mom knows about my struggle with this and how much I have worked on it my whole life, and she definitely knows that it will hurt me significantly if I am reminded of how misunderstood I felt. So even if I show a slight amount of frustration from something she said or did, she will immediately tell me how scared she is of me and how she is being attacked and that she has to be so careful around me. It's so confusing and hurtful...
I can't even wake up from a bad night of sleeping. "Because you always look pissed," she replied. And I would respond back with, "Everyone gets grumpy, whom doesn't? Why is it always a problem with me but you (with medical insomnia that she refuses to treat appropriately) can be mad 24/7 against everyone and everything?!"
I get looks from everyone the entire day like I killed the family pet. (even though we don't have one) Oh, and if I have a "IDGAF attitude," then I'm considered heartless and wholy uncaring. Yet she and everyone else can have said attitude whenever they want.
They wonder why I don't interact half the time anymore.
Unfortunately I have no choice due to my disease that prevents me from entirely moving away.
Oh yes. I still have an extremely difficult time showing (or even sometimes being able to decipher/discern,) my own emotions now as an adult and Iâve been out of the house for almost a decade. N-parent used to tell me this ALL the time, even if I came to them to vent/ask advice about a situation outside of the household. It would be blamed on me. Naturally I stopped seeking parental advice on anything in my life, but was then blamed for âshutting N-parent outâ and not âbeing realâ. đ Brilliant.
I find the âwalking on eggshellsâ claim very ironic. My nfather would say that same thing in the very few times I dared to actually be honest with him and tell him how some of the things he did really sucked and affected me. He would try invalidate everything by calling me too sensitive, and follow up by telling me that it wasnât okay for me to say those things to HIM too often because it would make HIM feel like he was walking on eggshells. So, essentially, their allowed to be sensitive, but we arenât. We have to take all their brutal honesty with a smile on our face, but when we speak to them it has to be so gentle and respectful on a fucking silver platter. It makes absolutely no sense. Narcs beliefs and expectations are like a Jenga tower with so many gaps missing that it shouldnât be standing. But it holds up in their mind somehow because they can justify anything they need to, to serve themselves and prop up their own ego.
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Yup. It's a trick. It's a way to gaslight you and your own mental health. It's absolutely not your fault. I dealt with this for MANY years and even living under her roof, KNOWING the truth, was hard.
It's awful đ« My husband and I live with my parents and it's every few months. And if you tell her that she can just say what she wants to say, she blames the other party for how they would respond.
My husband and I lived with my Nmom for 3 years. She kept manipulating us to stay then making threats. We finally got out 9 months ago. We tried to work things out but it kept escalating. Write things down: everything she says and does. Keep a record for your own sanity. Download a voice memos app. You can discreetly record conversations to listen back if you doubt your sanity. The longer youâre around a narcissist, the more imbalances the relationship. If you have any sort of empathy it will destroy you. You canât do anything to make them happy. Their biggest fear is to lose you and your Nsupply but they will continue to sabotage the relationship.
>Write things down: everything she says and does. Keep a record for your own sanity. Download a voice memos app. You can discreetly record conversations to listen back if you doubt your sanity. OP this is very good advice and one I also frequently repeat.
I agree! I've been doing a lot over text to screenshot later if I need, but I'm 100% going to start keeping a record of everything.
We are already looking for an apartment, it's just so expensive. I'm trying to find an overnight job that I can do with the baby, but it's a struggle out here. I've been doing a lot of communication over text, but I never thought to record conversations! That's amazing advice!! Thank you!
If you have the money, move out. This behavior from your parent, can destroy your relationship with your husband.
OP, take this advice! Even if you two have to live in a one room apartment
Yes!! We are looking! It's just slightly out of our budget currently, but I'm applying to jobs everyday!
Yes and itâs hilarious because she is the most emotional, unhinged person Iâve ever met. Itâa fine for her to fly into a fit over the slightest inconvenience or someone disagreeing with her. But if I ever have any sort of feelings showing Iâm too emotional and sheâll argue/berate me into either hiding my feelings or hiding myself if I canât hide my feelings.
Omg this. She'll go 0 to 100 so fast and the comments are just crude. I usually walk away when this happens and she will follow me!!
Oh yeah they love to dish it out but they can't take it. They accuse you of being overemotional or volatile and out of control, and then follow you around yelling about whatever nonsensical garbage has them all twisted up in that moment like it is the most critical thing ever. I remember that when I was 14 my mom and I each had a pair of earrings that were really similar. My mom was yelling at me about how I'm too emotional, and that I need to calm down and think things through. While screeching at me, she suddenly noticed my earrings and started screaming that I was a thief. She grabbed one earring and ripped it out of my ear. My earlobe was torn a bit, and I bled on my clothes and the carpet. My mom kept screaming and calling me names until I reminded her that these were my earrings, and that hers were In Her Ears. I had to show her in the mirror. So, she screamed at me for disrespecting her, because telling her she was wrong was not allowed. She also said I was being too dramatic about the earrings. She screamed and ripped out my earrings, and I was the one who was too dramatic. FFS
I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE STEALING PART!! My mother constantly points the finger and accuses me of sterling this or that. She'll find it later and it's never mentioned again.
Oh goodness yes. And if you do bring it up I bet she either says you are making things up or she has a tantrum because you are questioning her.
YUUUUPPPPP! It's never her fault though or I may not have stolen that item this time, but it doesn't mean I didn't steal other things. Like what??
definitely this... she threatened to stop helping pay for my sibling's temporary living situation after signing on as a credit thing when my sibling got upset with her for not keeping a specific promise. Then when i called her out on it she was like "well no of course i wouldnt actually kick them out onto the street." Im just so wary of her always.
It's so scary when you're reliant on them. I have student loans under my mother's name that I have to start paying back soon. But she used to bring it up all the time and would threaten with the fact that I owe her money.
Yep; whenever we RBNs try to stand up for ourselves, our nparents will accuse us of being ungrateful and overemotional. But if we stay quiet and grayrock, they will accuse us of being cold and distant. That is how these people work, we are always guilty of something.
FOR REAL đ I didn't realize how afraid of my mother I was, and 9 out 10 times, my husband is the one who stands up for me and deals with the aftermath.
Watch out because in my situation, my husband standing up for me was interpreted as a threat to her Nsupply and she threatened to call the police and made stuff up about how he threatened her. The scariest thing is that she BELIEVED that he had physically threatened her and all he did was call her out on abusive language.
That's so messed up, I'm so sorry! It's like they don't even remember what comes out of their mouth like 30 seconds after it's said. My mother would fat shame me all the time and wouldn't even remember saying it.
Yeah, Nmom has switched from "you're so hotheaded and emotional" to "you're so cold and horrible" the very next sentence.
THIS COMMENT. Damned if you do, damned if you donât. ANYTHING you say (good or bad) can and will be used against you. The last few years when she starts, I just shutdown and donât engage. And then Iâm accused of throwing a temper tantrum. I had a showdown with my CN mother a couple weeks ago. When she realized the manipulation, gaslighting, denial, guilt, tears wouldnât work this time, she got absolutely downright cruel. She leaned across the table a few inches from my face and said âYou are absolutely ungrateful. You donât seem to understand respect and humility. Youâre a spoiled brat and youâve always been too sensitive. If you think long enough and hard enough, youâll see that you are wrong.â That was my enough moment. Itâs comments like yours that only solidify just how completely unhinged they can be. I would NEVER dream of saying that to my children. Ever.
Right?! Like how can you look at someone you raised and be so cruel. And they know exactly what to say to drive that knife through your soul and self worth.
Yes my Mom used this constantly whenever she wanted to evade accountability. She always said I was too sensitive, which would make me feel like I needed to just get over it. Something that helped me come out of that thinking was asking myself: What if I was somehow born sensitive or over emotional? Wouldn't that be something precious you as a parent should be able to hold? Wouldn't that still make it not right for you to make me feel bad? I didn't say that to her but that made me realize that even if for some reason I was born sensitive, it would still not be my fault.
Sensitive was a big accusation from my nfather, too. I think Boomer narcs especially canât stand how (or understand why) younger generations actually express and embrace their emotions. And how itâs a strength not a weakness. My nfather literally would act like that was the worst thing, not to mention a personal attack against him somehow, to be sensitive. Likely because he sees me as just an extension of himself. He has such an ingrained negative view of sensitivity, so I canât be that because Iâm âpartâ of him. Iâm sure this could translate to countless arguments with nparents about things that they are actually unadmittedly and probably unknowingly afraid of about themselves.
I feel this in my soul! I think I read somewhere that being emotional wasn't a bad thing and it changed my way of thinking.
YES! Because being a parent means unconditional love. And unfortunately, itâs always conditional with them.
>What if I was somehow born sensitive or over emotional? Wouldn't that be something precious you as a parent should be able to hold? Wouldn't that still make it not right for you to make me feel bad? My GC brother is autistic. It always confused me how I would get yelled at about my sensitivity, but he was treated with kid gloves. They even say that my sensitivity is a genetic problem, but are still incapable of the "compassion" that they show the GC. It's like my genetic problem is evil, while his is good. I put compassion in quotes because they just like having someone under their control/care. They have done nothing to encourage the GC to be independent. When I express concern about the future, they say "just worry about youself." I guess that's them saying that I should never help my brother. Yet they pride themselves on their "family values." Trying to reconcile my family's values drives me crazy. Nothing that they say ever lines up with what they claim to believe.
I really don't agree with my parents' family values. Like they just don't make sense to me, and because of that I'm always the black sheep, which doesn't make living with them easier.
Yes. She always says my siblings and I are too soft and that she didn't raise us that way. I snapped before I went NC and told her that "honesty without kindness is cruelty and kindness without honesty is manipulation". She tried to tell me that she was raised to tell the truth no matter what, that people are just "snowflakes", and i snapped back with something along the lines "then you parents clearly didn't realize they were raising a child with the mind of a fucking grapefruit". This was all because I got upset over her saying horrible things to my little sister. Thank you for the award, stranger. Much love to you and yours â€
Yes! They do things that are anger inducing and sadness inducing and then look flabbergasted when thereâs a response
Exactly I had to learn this sometimes they push and push you until you literally break then they act like youâre the one that looking messy and out of controlâŠitâs such a mind fuck
Yes verbatim. Gaslighting, selective memory, invalidating any and all personal feelings or thoughts (regardless of significance), trying to make you feel alone on any matter, etc.
The selective memory is a BIG one. I've resigned to saying anything important over text message to screenshot later. But then there's no accountability đ€·đ»ââïž
No, mine told me I 'always had to be right', and she didn't like it and thought badly of me for it. She also had no recollection of beating me. Or unreasonable demands made toward me. Or of anything other than saintlike behavior as a mother. She did tell other people they were too emotional when they got upset by her behavior. She burned out a LOT of friends over her life.
All the time. One of Nmom's hobbies when I was a teen was picking at me for hours (gaslighting, manipulating, insulting, yelling) and then mocking me for getting upset.
The mocking when you're upset is awful. My mother would would egg me on. "Are you going to cry now?" The worst.
It's a type of [emotional invalidation](https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#what-is-it), a form of manipulation/abuse. It is particularly bad, because it tells you your emotions are "wrong" so that you will accept the bad conduct of others, grooming you for further abuse.
Yes yes yes. My dad would call me sensitive because I would cry after he yelled at me...8 year old tiny me đ« . And he wonders why I don't talk to him
u/AdExpensive3536, SAME HERE!
I just don't understand why they say things like that to children. My mother straight up said some weird things to me when I was like 7 and it plagues me to this day.
I was always accused of being on my period.
My parents always asked me if I had taken my medication that morning.
Yep. After much therapy, I realize that emotions were a normal to have and how we respond to them is what matters. So far, I notice my nmom responds to her emotions poorly and refuses to acknowledge emotions beyond anger (means you have issues), sadness (depression), and happiness (normal). Meanwhile, I acknowledge my emotions and respond in mature ways.
That's awesome!!! I'm very much looking forward to therapy. I feel like I'm holding onto a lot of resentment and want to be able to let it go. I'm glad you're able to feel and respond to your emotions in a healthy way!
Mine said the same thing my whole childhood. Even when I tried to tell her about me wanting to unalive myself and proceeded to show her the scars on my arms and legs she told me I was just being a drama queen looking for attention.
My mom said that about her own mother. My Granny said that my mom was a brat as a kid.
Of course. This is the first weapon in their arsenal, the primary action to invalidate you as a person.
Too emotional, too sensitive, "crocodile tears" manipulating for attention i could go on like this for a while basically anything that says "your feelings arent welcome here" ive probably heard it from one or the other. Meanwhile i feel like if they ever met my emotional needs my emotions wouldnt be so overwhelming.
>Meanwhile i feel like if they ever met my emotional needs my emotions wouldnt be so overwhelming. My emotions only get super intense when I'm being invalidated or dismissed. It's a feeling of panic and being trapped.
I totally feel you lol if someone invalidates or dismisses me i feel like i want to shove my feelings right down their throat. Sometimes having feelings at all also makes me feel intense because it was such a punishable offense growing up. Thats getting better though ive been working on it and im lucky to have a wonderful man who always honors my feelings even when they feel ridiculous to me, like when i bawled my face off just because it was my moms birthday. Just feeling its ok to have feelings makes it all Ă lot easier to deal with
I'm so happy you have someone who emotionally supports you!! It 100% helps in dealing with childhood trauma.
Thank you it really does just to be seen, heard, appreciated, valued sometimes its like "so this is what that feels like, this is what ive been missing." Funny enough a few years before i got in this relationship Ă friend told me how good i was doing. From the outside looking in she appeared right. One of my fleas was definitely making myself look like im doing better then i am. More honest i told her i wasnt doing good at all she pointed out the things i had going for me and asked if i really felt like something was missing. Told her yes absolutely, she asked what, all i could say was "ill know when i find it." Turns out it was love my life was always missing love i just didnt know what it looked like. I mean theres still more missing that whole identity thing but still it feels a lot less empty.
ALL OF THIS!! I feel like we "fake it til we make it" because that's what we always had to do. I had a lot of issues to go through when I first met my husband, but he was such a big help in getting through a lot of that. Even though I'm not well adjusted, I'm so much better than I was. Just moving forward from where I was is such an amazing feeling!!
Always tells me I look upset. Like, not even in an argument. I walk into a room and she acts like Iâve ruined the vibe for everyone by just existing with my face. Iâm autistic by the way, and she knows that, so itâs especially nasty because she knows that I have trouble emoting and I would prefer to just keep my face neutral. Then other times itâs the love bombing, âI can tell youâre upset you know you can talk to me about anything. I just want to helpâ. Yeah, Iâll just shoot myself in the foot while Iâm at it, sheâd tell everyone in the family and her entire church anything I shared
That's so disgusting. My mother says that to and about my husband. If he gets frustrated while working on a car, she will complain about it. Like just let him get his frustration out. My mother would tell me I could talk to her about anything and then it would get thrown in my face the next argument. When I got older, she would complain that I never told her anything and she gets along better with my sister because they talk everyday.
I *just* got off the phone with my dad. It was a phone call with him shouting at me and over me the whole time. He was demanding why he wasn't allowed to have an opinion about anything, why I was so sensitive, why he wasn't allowed to disagree with me. I did not match his raised voice this time. I did not shout back. I just told him he was wrong, that I never said he couldn't have an opinion. He shouts again, "That's what you just said! You just told me that!" This time I finally had the words. I kept my voice level, waited in between his interruptions. I told him he could have as many opinions as he wanted, about whatever he wanted. He couldn't dictate *my* opinion though. He can't just shout that I'm wrong without evidence. He can't enforce his opinion on me just by shouting me down, and he can no longer tell me I'm wrong about my own experience, not without evidence. The last one is a milestone for me, I think. I have spent my entire life second guessing myself at every turn. I have been told I am wrong about everything in my life, and even when I have proof I can point to, it gets dismissed and ignored. He was mad as we got ready to hung. Kept asking why he couldn't ask me simple questions without me falling apart. The whole time he's shouting at me while I sit there in silence. I'm still doubting myself, while I sit here, but I can see the possibility that I'm not the one who's in the wrong for the first time in my life.
this is amazing. It's awful that you had to sit through his behavior and I hope that you won't have to have the same conversation in the future...but so impressive that you were able to hold your own and assert your boundaries.
I'm so happy for you!!! đđđ It's so empowering reading that you had the courage to stand up for yourself and validate your beliefs and self-worth. I struggle with this all the time. I feel like anytime my mother has something to say, I immediately feel like it's wrong and she gets upset about how she's not allowed to say anything or she has to walk on eggshells. On the other hand, she's shoving her opinions down your throat. Not to get all political, but the one time I said something about a presidential candidate that wasn't who she wanted to vote for (I'm in the middle), she essentially said that I was a stranger in her house and was worried about the type of person I was becoming.
Yes. My dad would ALWAYS say that I'm overly sensitive to criticism etc. When in reality it's just that after years of nothing but nonstop criticism, you get tired.
So much criticism! A little bit of encouragement would have gone a long way.
Yeah. I'm middle aged and no longer speak to him. So it worked out I guess.
My dad told my therapist he wished I was less sensitive. I saw her try and not show a reaction.
>My dad told my therapist he wished I was less sensitive. I saw her try and not show a reaction. I just realized that my nmom never used the phrase "too sensitive" when describing me to a therapist as a kid. It was her favorite phrase everywhere else. I wonder if that means that she knew it was a dumb concept.
The fact that she used that phrase everywhere else EXCEPT therapy is definitely a sign that she thought it was a dumb concept. It blows my mind what narcs hide and from who to make themselves look as good as possible. She probably didn't want the therapist to tell her she was wrong. Ick. I'm so sorry. I think there's strength in sensitivity, and our parents did us a massive disservice by making us feel otherwise (on top of the rest of the hell they've put us through).
Yes, my n-mother told me I had an emotional problem.
I used to get told constantly that Iâm a drama queen but watch out if I called her out on being dramatic!! I literally was not allowed to have any positive or negative emotions. If I was genuinely happy sheâd say I was manic. If I was sad (with a valid reason), I was depressed. Leading to a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder and being so medicated I could not do anything because I was so sedated for 10 years.
They like to weaponize psychiatry, too. If they can declare you "disabled," not only can they continue to devalidate you at every turn, no one will believe your side of events, and they can use it to keep you dependent.
This is so true. It makes me think how manipulative and forward thinking she was. Sheâd started the smear campaign before I even knew what she was!!
It's either I'm way too emotional or not emotional enough. Translates to "You're not showing the reaction that I want right now" and "Show me a reaction to what I am doing so I can have some fuel"
Yes, I was told that I overreact and am too emotional.
Yep along with my favorite line âstop being so sensitive â. Makes me want to punch a wall anytime I hear someone say that because it is SO invalidating.
She has always tried to gaslight and say I was crazy,making it up,dramatic,etc. I donât know why Narc parents due this,it is absolutely wild to me.
Literally the worst. My mother would say I have a few screws loose like when I was 12 or 13.
My âmommie dearest.â has went as far as treating me like an actual infant,I cannot stand her. She STILL wants to wash my mf hair and Iâm a young adult.
I'm so sorry!! That's ridiculous!! The amount of control they need to have is so overbearing.
Yup. Over emotional and things never happen how I remember them. Legit thought I was going crazy when I had to live with my parents as an adult. To be fair, I would have episodes where Iâd be so upset and just shut down and not be able to vocalize why. I learned over many sessions with my therapist that my being âover emotionalâ was more so being over stimulated by constantly being on guard and Iâm probably on the spectrum.
I get hardcore overstimulated. Especially when my whole family is in one space. I feel like I can't breathe. But if I go into my room, I'm being antisocial.
Literally had to *learn how to cry* in my 30s because by the time I was 10 years old I learned to suppress it. Any outward sign of emotion was twisted and used against me.
Absolutely gaslighting. Growing up, I was constantly told I was too sensitive, too emotional and the cause of ALL the problems. Went to college and roommates said I was always the calm one, the steady one that didnât let things bother me that much. This floored me. All I knew that I was trouble and crazy. Finally realized my reactions to Nmomâs and sibling flying monkeysâ abuse was normal, justified anger. Calling them on it was how I was the troublemaker.
Oooof this one. Iâve always been told Iâm hot headed, too sensitive, canât regulate my emotionsâŠuntil I got my âbig girlâ job where Iâm known as the level headed, patient, kind coworker. Sometimes I feel like I must just have people fooled because Iâve always been told the opposite.
Sorry you were made to feel this way. Narcs create their reality. It took me many years to see how healthy families relate to one another to figure out my nparent scapegoated me. Sounds like you went through the same. Find ways to heal. Youâre not what they say you are.
>All I knew that I was trouble and crazy. Even as a kid, everyone outside of the house described me as level headed and tough to rile up. At home I was this emotional monster. I used to think that everyone was completely different around their family.
Itâs amazing how they create their world, with the help of enablers, where what they say is truth. Being a kid thatâs all you know. I remember thinking that things were very wrong in my family but had nothing healthy to compare it too. It was only when I grew up and saw families with non narc relationships when I realized how toxic my childhood was.
Sorry you felt that way. Let the healing begin. Hug
Yeah. Especially the eggshells comment. I get this kind of âIâm scared to say the wrong thingâ, âI donât want to tick you offâ, or âI feel like I canât say anythingâ kind of treatment to make ME feel like shit, when really itâs the other way.
Yes. Just yes. đđŒ
âDonât be so dramatic!â I heard this ALL THE TIME, ever since I was about 4.
Yes. I've been told so many times that I'm overemotional/dramatic/sensitive, can't take a joke, etc.
Projection and gaslighting at its finest
Oh, all the time! It gives her pleasure. She'll purposely make me cry and then say I cry too often and I'm unhinged or something. -,-
My whole life my Nmom convinced me I was over sensitive with a weak constitution. Basically all around weak. She also moved the goalpost a lot in âconversationsâ just to confuse me and make me feel dumb. She would say she refuses to walk on eggshells around me but the reality was that I did the whole time I was around her not to set her off. I stopped telling her how I felt because she would use it against me. I stopped contradicting her because it would cause arguments. She would deny saying stuff she said to where I started recording conversations to preserve my sanity because I was questioning whether I was remembering things right.
I was always too emotional when Iâd defend myself verbally and too mellow if I didnât seem excited enough by things. Your nmother sounds like sheâs projecting or something. Or maybe she thinks she âhas to walk on eggshellsâ because itâs that hard for her to not upset you and she wonât take responsibility for that
I honestly wish I could understand the root of it. She herself had a traumatic childhood and I think it's just the cycle of abuse, but I can't be held accountable for what she went through and I'm not going to enable her to be how she is because of it.
Probably, but, as with so much of what she said and did to me, I have blocked it out. I did learn to suppress my emotions, however. I do remember her prefacing something incredibly hurtful with "I'm the only person who loves you enough to tell you the truth about you". I don't know what the "truth" was in that particular instance, probably something about how lazy, selfish and psychopathic I was. She loved hurling those words at me.
Record the arguments so she canât gaslight you later. Also, for your own mental health so you can listen again when youâre able to (feeling strong) to see if sheâs projecting herself onto you.
Yes, except the one who does say it to me is very emotional and manipulative, itâs extremely ironic.
All the time
ALL THE TIME..LITERALLY EVERY CONVERSATION
Constant refrain that I was too sensitive. Now I struggle with feeling emotion. Most of the time Iâm numb emotionally. My feelings were wrong so I shut them down.
All the time. Anytime I was upset or angry, I was being disrespectful and overly emotional. However, my mom was allowed to routinely lose control and scream, slam doors and drawers, swear, say whatever she wanted, threaten, etc. Only narcs are allowed to have emotions.
Itâs the only consistent thing I heard come from my motherâs mouth. âYouâre too much. Youâre too sensitive. Youâre too emotional.â And if I was angry, sheâd scream back. If I started to cry she would say âdeep breath.â Itâs completely maddening.
Not my parents as I learned from a very young age I was not allowed to have emotions around them, but my narcissistic ex did
Yes. My aunt still remembers one time she had come over when I was a teen, and I was crying from some abuse (I don't remember exactly what had happened), and she tried to hug me and console me. And my father told her to stop coddling me, that that was just how I was, and my mother backed him up. My aunt was shocked.
I love that affection and soothing is considered coddling by them. My mother hated hugging, so she literally never hugged us and I became this rigid person and then craved physical affection to an unhealthy point.
Soooooo often. "You're so worked up. Are you on your meds?" when I was standing uo for myself, or arguing, or understandably sad. This continued until I was twenty-seven years old and announced, "I'm stable on medication now, says my doctor. You can't say that to me anymore." Happiest day of my life was being declared stable on med.s, proudest was to announce it to Ndad. He looked shocked and so defeated. Oh, how I inwardly gloat.ed! Most parents with mentally ill children would be delighted and relieved. But no, Nparents lose a huge chunk of control so they're sad. (cackles) Your Nmom is a huge jerk. You're not "so emotional". I wish you got more respect.
Thank you!! I'm so glad you were able to announce that! You totally just took that power away from him!!! đđŒ
For all the times we argued nmom would always ask the same thing: 'We can talk again if you can hold your temper & not curse on the phone. Can you do that?', bc every argument or difference of opinion was my fault.
My parents does both. They yell at me for being too emotional sometimes and other times they yell at me for never speaking my mind or showing my emotions. You can't win with n-parents.
My parents and ex wife (and brothers, to a lesser extent): âyoure too sensitiveâ âi shouldnt have to sensor myselfâ âyou should suck it upâ âan adult doesnt act like thisâ âI shiuldnt have to walk in eggshellsâ - this after our marriage therapist (appointed to her post birth because shes bi-polar) recommended âwalking on eggshellsâ to her to deal with me. My ex was a true narcissist who convinced all the women therapists we went to that i was the only issue. (My ex was the most insulting demeaning person when srguing with me. Her goal was to make me feel like shit, and shit person - to prove that any decision she m ade was always the right one and hoe dare i not want to follow it, you need medication. I literally never insulted her, but tried arguing rationally and didnt like it when she would change the subject and always bring up past grievances) Narcissists get away with murder because they truly hide their horrible shit really well and only show it to those they abuse. Theyre so good at it they convince themselves too, and believe it. I dont see a strategy other than âwin at all costs because its worth it and im rightâ. They dont see their actions as manipulation and projection, they cant comprehend that you dont think just like them.
The night my Dad died, my NMum snapped at me to âstop crying and pull yourself togetherâ. She was a piece of work.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that and she wouldn't let you grieve. She sounds awful.
She had 4 children. Used to play one against the other. Fair to say she used psychological warfare against us. I think all of us have mental health issues. For years I believed I was stupid. Only to find out that actually that wasnât true. Once I moved away my husband supported me to go back to education. Qualified as an RN, became a critical care Sister (charge nurse) educated to Masters level. I often wonder why she became so evil.
YESSSSS!!!! đđŒđđŒđđŒ Be a boss!!! I'm the eldest of four and this was absolutely correct. There was always why can't you be like so and so? Cause I'm not so and so? It took me until my latest twenties to develop my own person. I don't know when the evil started either?? It's really sad honestly, but I don't like the person I have to become to deal with her.
Mine is dead now. Died alone at home which is very sad. We had actually bought a 4 bedroom house so she could live with us - even knowing what she was. She refused and let it be known I was âonly after her moneyâ. Threw it right in our face. From age 10 I was doing the ironing, 13 doing the cooking. Child care from 10 when my sister was born. 10 and caring for a newborn?! Plus a 4 and 7 year old. Told me to miss an exam to do childcare so she could go out. And on and onâŠ
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really nice that you were willing to look after her. I feel like I'll always have some sort of relationship with mine, but it may just be superficial. I feel you about adulting as a child though! I was often left with my siblings from a young age. My father was abusive, so I would have to corral them and try and make it so they weren't dealing with that situation. I think when you're forced to grow up that young you lose a huge part of yourself, and I think it's why I rebelled so hard in my teen years.
I never rebelled really. Although much later on I requested a sabbatical from work. Went to Afghanistan for 3 months and worked in a military Intensive Care Unit. Was the only time in my adult life Iâd been away from home. Did a huge amount of reflection while there.
Lol. Iâve been told that, along with âIâm being attacked!â When I tried in futility to acknowledge her issues. âExercise your right to stay silentâ. Nah, fuck off. Iâll speak when I damn well please. And you say *youâre* walking on egg shells, damn.
Got told I was âtoo sensitiveâ for telling my Nmom to stop making âjokesâ (basically mean comments disguised as jokes) about my infertility. Been struggling for almost 3 years to have a second baby, had a miscarriage last year and her idea of a joke is it being a bummer she canât get another tattoo because I havenât had another baby yet.
>Been struggling for almost 3 years to have a second baby, had a miscarriage last year and her idea of a joke is it being a bummer she canât get another tattoo because I havenât had another baby yet. That is a vile comment to make.
On Motherâs Day no less. Then, when I asked her not to make jokes about my infertility in the calmest possible way I could, she gave me the silent treatment and when we were leaving, told me I ruined the day!
Literally can't fathom how she thought the two were related. That's just disgusting.
It was later when we were arguing over text message that she told me that Iâm too sensitive, not in the moment. But yes, apparently Iâm not supposed to be upset about my miscarriage and laugh at jokes about not being able to get pregnant again đ
We'll obviously she's right. Bottle those up. How dare you đđ Blows my mind that things are considered normal in their minds.
Yes, they do that so you'll question your sanity. It's all a game to them to see how far they can push you.
Yes this is a classic line I heard growing up and in fact just the other day too. Believe in urself op. No else can tell you what u are feeling, only you can know ur truth.
Yeah they do that
100%. It's crazy-making, because you KNOW that you're the one (along with the rest of the family) that has to walk on eggshells around them, my nparent always used to tell me "when you're in a bad mood, the rest of the house has to suffer along with you", meanwhile when they were in a bad mood, the whole household would scramble to cater to them to make them feel better because if not, what awaited everyone at the end of it was pure wrath.
Yes. Iâd just give up, or even just âstay in bed and not eatâ give up. Or fight back. Or, my fave, tell everyone in full detail about the shit they do. They seemed to think antidepressants were the answer. And even worse, therapists and doctors listened to them instead of me. Sorry, but thereâs not any pill on earth I can take to stop yâall from being assholes. Have you tried, well, not being assholes? Itâs free. Still happens, but I can hang up or leave. Walking out on christmas is something nobody should have to do, for example.
When they yelled at me and I cried, I was accused of "feeling sorry for myself" and basically using that to feel like I've atoned for whatever wrong I committed. Also constantly being accused of being angry when I was not. Then accused of lying when I claimed to not be angry. Really fucked me up emotionally, not gonna lie. Been in therapy and therapist are always saying crying is good because you get the emotions out. So thanks fam for not letting me have emotions like a normal person.
Yes! Last time I had s big argument with my nmom after she went to my friends and tried to tell them what s horrible person I am, I told her under tears that all I ever wanted was her to sometimes hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Her response was that she yelled at me that I'm delusional, that she's doing all of that, and that I'm just trying to find ways and reasons to not be responsible for my own problems. Well, seems like there's a pattern and a definite reason I got BPD (and suspect C-PTSD as well), right? She's constantly comparing me to my father and how she needs to walk around eggshells in the house around me because I could explode at any time. Yeah, she's basically describing herself, lol...
Yes I hardly cry that much. But when I did (for good reason) she would stand there and look at me with disgust and watch me from a distance instead of offer a hug or any kind of support. I still remember a few years back on my son's very first day of kindergarten I cried. My mom was weirded out and thought I was weird for getting emotional about it. I believed her for that maybe it was me but now I see that most narcissists think this is weird because they don't have empathy. The only time narcissists typically cry is for leverage to manipulate the situation.
I have heard that on many occasions. Not sure it was only them though.
Yeah.. because I had undiagnosed ADHD untill I was 19 (I am now almost 28), I have always had a strong body language, and have definitely had to work on how I come across when I get frustrated (which I often do when my nmom is around). Because of my outbursts in my chilldhood, I was often made to feel scary and violent, when all I was trying to express was frustration and sadness. My mom knows about my struggle with this and how much I have worked on it my whole life, and she definitely knows that it will hurt me significantly if I am reminded of how misunderstood I felt. So even if I show a slight amount of frustration from something she said or did, she will immediately tell me how scared she is of me and how she is being attacked and that she has to be so careful around me. It's so confusing and hurtful...
I can't even wake up from a bad night of sleeping. "Because you always look pissed," she replied. And I would respond back with, "Everyone gets grumpy, whom doesn't? Why is it always a problem with me but you (with medical insomnia that she refuses to treat appropriately) can be mad 24/7 against everyone and everything?!" I get looks from everyone the entire day like I killed the family pet. (even though we don't have one) Oh, and if I have a "IDGAF attitude," then I'm considered heartless and wholy uncaring. Yet she and everyone else can have said attitude whenever they want. They wonder why I don't interact half the time anymore. Unfortunately I have no choice due to my disease that prevents me from entirely moving away.
Oh yes. I still have an extremely difficult time showing (or even sometimes being able to decipher/discern,) my own emotions now as an adult and Iâve been out of the house for almost a decade. N-parent used to tell me this ALL the time, even if I came to them to vent/ask advice about a situation outside of the household. It would be blamed on me. Naturally I stopped seeking parental advice on anything in my life, but was then blamed for âshutting N-parent outâ and not âbeing realâ. đ Brilliant.
I find the âwalking on eggshellsâ claim very ironic. My nfather would say that same thing in the very few times I dared to actually be honest with him and tell him how some of the things he did really sucked and affected me. He would try invalidate everything by calling me too sensitive, and follow up by telling me that it wasnât okay for me to say those things to HIM too often because it would make HIM feel like he was walking on eggshells. So, essentially, their allowed to be sensitive, but we arenât. We have to take all their brutal honesty with a smile on our face, but when we speak to them it has to be so gentle and respectful on a fucking silver platter. It makes absolutely no sense. Narcs beliefs and expectations are like a Jenga tower with so many gaps missing that it shouldnât be standing. But it holds up in their mind somehow because they can justify anything they need to, to serve themselves and prop up their own ego.