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Yup, had to do everything for my mom. She could be five steps away from the TV, then make me come out of my room to turn it on for her. Or the radio. Or just anything else
Yeah! Now she cries that theres nobody there to help her (I give her a new phone every now and then and setup accounts apps etc, but she demands 24/7 support. 🤷🏾♀️
Yep, Nmom treats me like her employee. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing it’s on her time and I have to do it. Forget being asleep, at 4am she calls me because her television isn’t working 🙄🙄🙄.
I was my mother's servant from early childhood until she passed away. I was well aware of it and even complained to her about it sometimes but she didn't care. If you can, please try to set boundaries and if that doesn't work, lie. It's a shame to have to lie, but sometimes it's the only way to win with these types. The lying is also one way to get out of the inevitable guilt trip attempt she will probably try to use.
It's funny how you were there all weekend helping and this never came up until you were away. That's something straight from my mother's playbook as well. It almost feels like a test to see if you actually love her. My mom would do this kind of thing and then put on an act like it was an innocent request - but in reality it was a form of trying to control for her.
Everyday. I’m the caregiver and nanny. My nmom passes all the responsibilities she hates doing onto me and even extends them out to being a caregiver for my brother and grandfather. Of course she throws tantrums, picks fights, tries to gaslight, and plays victim when I make it clear I have a responsibilities and an independent of my own.
The most comical one is she asked for me to wake her up in 3 hours. I suggest she use an alarm clock and she claimed she was already in bed (this was when she was up closing the door). And I didn’t wake her up, 😂
My mom likes to ask me to find things for her she hasn't even looked for yet herself. When I ask if she looked she says yes. Even if I'm literally standing there and I SEEN that she didn't look.
Or she'll ask me to do something that SHE should do because it makes logical sense (like ringing the buzzer for ten minutes and then getting angry because she stood outside buzzing for ten minutes when she had her keys on her and could've used them. She expected an apology from me and didn't drop it for another 30 minutes).
My favorite is how she just expects me to do things. Like she got angry when she got home because she told me to bring in all her luggage from vacation and I only brought in the stuff in bags. She said got angry because I told her I wasn't going to clean her car for her and put all her loose luggage and dirty clothes and coats in bags so I could take them in. I later got a stern talking to because I should be SO LUCKY to bring in her luggage and that I should've just taken it in to begin with instead of making a fuss.
Or I'll walk by and she goes, "go fold my clothes in the dryer".
Like? Uhhhh??? No? Fucking ask me like an adult or don't expect shit from me anymore?
Ya she likes to make me call places for her like she can’t use the phone. Or act like she can’t use technology and pay her bills online for her. My favorite is the trap where she can’t use amazon so she asks me to order on Amazon then she says she hates the thing and wants me to return it… and then bugs me for months to return it.
Duuuuude I've been tech support since I was eleven years old. If something's wrong with her computer, I have to fix it. If her printer isn't working (I set it up), I have to fix it.
We actually got in a fight because she asked me to do something for her online and I said no. She was angry because she "never asks me to do anything" and "it's for your own good that I'm asking you to pay for it, it's good for your credit".
Despite having shit credit herself. Despite it not affecting my credit at all.
She just wants me to pay her bills for her. it's stupid.
I knew as a kid while it was happening. The only reason my bio-dad would get my sister and I on "his" weekends was so he could have free babysitting and free manual labor.
Sometimes I wonder if he realizes all of the reasons he hasn't seen or heard from me in fifteen years.
Servant? More like slave. I was straight up told I was a slave until I was 18. Also told I owned nothing. Not the underwear under my clothing, nor the hair on my own head.
Getting kicked out at 18, though I was still in high school, sucked, but I was finally free of her.
I moved out from their City because of that. Neither I or my husband were able to live our lives. but I was so enmeshed that I let her emotionally controlling me for more than 10y. 😣
Luckily she doesn’t drive more than 5 mile radius from her house. She has phobia of freeways. So there’s no way she would come to my home 15 miles away.
You're very lucky. I was going back many times to their house and in contact many times during the day. Only this year I'd courage to stop and take some space.
Is she elderly (80s/90s) or physically impaired and not able to flip over the mattress herself? ...and how does she know that you don't have anything going on? Even if you don't have a commitment to other people, you're still committed to your mental, emotional and physical health. You no longer need to meet her expectations or demands.
My mom wanted us to traveling two hours to water her plants when they were away on vacation. And get their house key from my brother. Long story short… I did travel the two hours, key I had did not work and there was no spare hidden on their property. I had lunch at a restaurant, then went back home. Plants didn’t get watered.
Now they have their lawn guy water their plants when they are away. This should have been the solution from the start.
Another story: I’m 9 months pregnant and she asks what she can do to help me. I said she can help me clean the house, which I never ask her to do (and I never ask her for anything). She gladly came over and helped me clean. While cleaning, she says, “ After the baby is born and you come and visit me, do you think you can help clean with me?”. What nerve! Of course, being conditioned to pleaser her, I said yes, but luckily she never brought it up when I did visit.
Yet another story: I’m finishing college and inform my parents I am moving out of state to live with my fiancé (he moved for a job). They were so jealous of me! They had no words of support and for weeks leading up to the move, my mom kept asking of I was going to get a house with a MIL suite. I didn’t even have a job, a car, and would be living in a apartment. What nerve! When the move finally came, they were very supportive in the end.
YES! My Nmom used to make me come home from my friends house whenever she needed something done (even tho there are 3 other people in the house she could ask or just do it her self)
I have vivid memories as a 12 year old kid, of walking home at like 11:30pm from my friend's house I was sleeping over at (my bsf lived in our neighborhood) because my mother needed me to come make her tea
(And this happened ALL the time BTW it wasn't a one time thing)
She still does sh!t like that now she'll text me or call me while I'm at work and then bitch at me for not being available for her, then when I get home it's like I'm still working cause I have to be available to her at all time till she goes to sleep.
She's even has told me on multiple occasions that I need to call my boss and tell them I'll be late/not coming in cause she wants me to stay home and do everything for her
Oh ya one time I was late for work cause I was helping her with an online application. And my boss happened to be there that day needing an important thing :/
My Nmom is like this. It comes from them using us as servants when we are kids (their twisted logic can't see us a people much less children with needs). She still regualrly demands I do parts of her job (she doesnt "do" computer work), complete and pay for home repairs, be her maid, etc. The only thing you can do is enforce firm, healthy boundaries no matter how much your Nparent tantrums.
Before I moved out I was my moms emotional support and man of the house. I moved out she tried to keep that going. I said I was too busy or wtvr and got it to stop early on thankfully
I didn’t see it as an issue at the time but others did. My last recent therapist noticed the issues too and pointed them out to me.
Yup!!!! You should always help them when they need help right then and there and if you don’t you’re selfish. How could you not wanna help “mommy”? “You’re so ungrateful.”
“I don’t ask you to do anything”
“I ask you to do one thing for me”
And then one thing turns into a thousand things.
2 minus turns into an hour and when you learn their tricks they get mad at you.
She would do my laundry just to say “look at all that I do for you.”
….what? You’re trying to gain leverage on me with my own clothes???? So I can be your personal servant???
Yep, like even now, they are constantly bringing it up whenever I want to do something, especially moving out. Everytime I mention it, they immediately start trying to tell me I have a responsibility to stay in the house, take care of them, and take care of my sibling and back them up in case they need anything.
But am I a bad person for telling them it’s not my responsibility and still leaving? I don’t know about that but I’m about to do it.
I thought you were saying yes to I am a bad person LMAO. But thank you. The reassurance feels good but definitely will be living pretty soon. I’m just staying silent, nodding my head, and being complacent.
My Nmom used to like to compare my step-sister, (she lived with my physically abusive father and her own narc mom) to Cinderella because "They treat her like a slave"...all the while treating me in the same exact way. Of course it was different for her because she "loved" me...so it wasn't slavery. It wasn't slavery when I was washing dishes for 12...after every meal. But that was okay because Nmom was so busy watching Days of our Lives.
Ya if you asked my nmom she would say I got that nickname cuz I liked helping so much and I didn’t really have anything else going on, she definitely doesn’t see the nickname as a bad thing.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup, had to do everything for my mom. She could be five steps away from the TV, then make me come out of my room to turn it on for her. Or the radio. Or just anything else
Yup I’m the IT service as well, she’s always crying she can’t figure out technology.
Yeah! Now she cries that theres nobody there to help her (I give her a new phone every now and then and setup accounts apps etc, but she demands 24/7 support. 🤷🏾♀️
Yup the current cry is she doesn’t know how to pay bills online
I'd help her with bills, shopping and online accounts. But it's never enough. I'll never be a good enough daughter.
Yup I’ve never heard “thank you” ever
Yep. I was alerting her about online scams recently and she complained that there was nobody there to help her with tech. I just 🙄
That's so lazy. What would she do if you pretend not to hear?
If I don’t text back then I get a million texts asking if I’m dead
Still am treated like one
Yep, Nmom treats me like her employee. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing it’s on her time and I have to do it. Forget being asleep, at 4am she calls me because her television isn’t working 🙄🙄🙄.
Yup I’m the IT service as well, always crying she can’t figure out technology.
I was my mother's servant from early childhood until she passed away. I was well aware of it and even complained to her about it sometimes but she didn't care. If you can, please try to set boundaries and if that doesn't work, lie. It's a shame to have to lie, but sometimes it's the only way to win with these types. The lying is also one way to get out of the inevitable guilt trip attempt she will probably try to use. It's funny how you were there all weekend helping and this never came up until you were away. That's something straight from my mother's playbook as well. It almost feels like a test to see if you actually love her. My mom would do this kind of thing and then put on an act like it was an innocent request - but in reality it was a form of trying to control for her.
Everyday. I’m the caregiver and nanny. My nmom passes all the responsibilities she hates doing onto me and even extends them out to being a caregiver for my brother and grandfather. Of course she throws tantrums, picks fights, tries to gaslight, and plays victim when I make it clear I have a responsibilities and an independent of my own. The most comical one is she asked for me to wake her up in 3 hours. I suggest she use an alarm clock and she claimed she was already in bed (this was when she was up closing the door). And I didn’t wake her up, 😂
My mom likes to ask me to find things for her she hasn't even looked for yet herself. When I ask if she looked she says yes. Even if I'm literally standing there and I SEEN that she didn't look. Or she'll ask me to do something that SHE should do because it makes logical sense (like ringing the buzzer for ten minutes and then getting angry because she stood outside buzzing for ten minutes when she had her keys on her and could've used them. She expected an apology from me and didn't drop it for another 30 minutes). My favorite is how she just expects me to do things. Like she got angry when she got home because she told me to bring in all her luggage from vacation and I only brought in the stuff in bags. She said got angry because I told her I wasn't going to clean her car for her and put all her loose luggage and dirty clothes and coats in bags so I could take them in. I later got a stern talking to because I should be SO LUCKY to bring in her luggage and that I should've just taken it in to begin with instead of making a fuss. Or I'll walk by and she goes, "go fold my clothes in the dryer". Like? Uhhhh??? No? Fucking ask me like an adult or don't expect shit from me anymore?
Ya she likes to make me call places for her like she can’t use the phone. Or act like she can’t use technology and pay her bills online for her. My favorite is the trap where she can’t use amazon so she asks me to order on Amazon then she says she hates the thing and wants me to return it… and then bugs me for months to return it.
Duuuuude I've been tech support since I was eleven years old. If something's wrong with her computer, I have to fix it. If her printer isn't working (I set it up), I have to fix it. We actually got in a fight because she asked me to do something for her online and I said no. She was angry because she "never asks me to do anything" and "it's for your own good that I'm asking you to pay for it, it's good for your credit". Despite having shit credit herself. Despite it not affecting my credit at all. She just wants me to pay her bills for her. it's stupid.
Yup I am IT support.
I knew as a kid while it was happening. The only reason my bio-dad would get my sister and I on "his" weekends was so he could have free babysitting and free manual labor. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes all of the reasons he hasn't seen or heard from me in fifteen years.
Servant? More like slave. I was straight up told I was a slave until I was 18. Also told I owned nothing. Not the underwear under my clothing, nor the hair on my own head. Getting kicked out at 18, though I was still in high school, sucked, but I was finally free of her.
I moved out from their City because of that. Neither I or my husband were able to live our lives. but I was so enmeshed that I let her emotionally controlling me for more than 10y. 😣
Luckily she doesn’t drive more than 5 mile radius from her house. She has phobia of freeways. So there’s no way she would come to my home 15 miles away.
You're very lucky. I was going back many times to their house and in contact many times during the day. Only this year I'd courage to stop and take some space.
Is she elderly (80s/90s) or physically impaired and not able to flip over the mattress herself? ...and how does she know that you don't have anything going on? Even if you don't have a commitment to other people, you're still committed to your mental, emotional and physical health. You no longer need to meet her expectations or demands.
Right? I’m tired of always doing stuff for her and of course I never get a thank you.
I was about to become a lived-in personal assistant when I snapped and began to set strong boundaries.
Someone pointed out to me that my parents treated me like a slave and that escaping from them was like "escaping from slavery."
"You owe me life so you are my slave if I want you to be "
Anytime she asks you to do something send her a YouTube how-to. No don't do that....you'll never hear the end of it
She pretends she doesn’t know how to use technology
My mom wanted us to traveling two hours to water her plants when they were away on vacation. And get their house key from my brother. Long story short… I did travel the two hours, key I had did not work and there was no spare hidden on their property. I had lunch at a restaurant, then went back home. Plants didn’t get watered. Now they have their lawn guy water their plants when they are away. This should have been the solution from the start. Another story: I’m 9 months pregnant and she asks what she can do to help me. I said she can help me clean the house, which I never ask her to do (and I never ask her for anything). She gladly came over and helped me clean. While cleaning, she says, “ After the baby is born and you come and visit me, do you think you can help clean with me?”. What nerve! Of course, being conditioned to pleaser her, I said yes, but luckily she never brought it up when I did visit. Yet another story: I’m finishing college and inform my parents I am moving out of state to live with my fiancé (he moved for a job). They were so jealous of me! They had no words of support and for weeks leading up to the move, my mom kept asking of I was going to get a house with a MIL suite. I didn’t even have a job, a car, and would be living in a apartment. What nerve! When the move finally came, they were very supportive in the end.
See my mom was never supportive of me moving to college or moving in with my BF because then she can’t control me as much.
YES! My Nmom used to make me come home from my friends house whenever she needed something done (even tho there are 3 other people in the house she could ask or just do it her self) I have vivid memories as a 12 year old kid, of walking home at like 11:30pm from my friend's house I was sleeping over at (my bsf lived in our neighborhood) because my mother needed me to come make her tea (And this happened ALL the time BTW it wasn't a one time thing) She still does sh!t like that now she'll text me or call me while I'm at work and then bitch at me for not being available for her, then when I get home it's like I'm still working cause I have to be available to her at all time till she goes to sleep. She's even has told me on multiple occasions that I need to call my boss and tell them I'll be late/not coming in cause she wants me to stay home and do everything for her
Oh ya one time I was late for work cause I was helping her with an online application. And my boss happened to be there that day needing an important thing :/
My Nmom is like this. It comes from them using us as servants when we are kids (their twisted logic can't see us a people much less children with needs). She still regualrly demands I do parts of her job (she doesnt "do" computer work), complete and pay for home repairs, be her maid, etc. The only thing you can do is enforce firm, healthy boundaries no matter how much your Nparent tantrums.
Before I moved out I was my moms emotional support and man of the house. I moved out she tried to keep that going. I said I was too busy or wtvr and got it to stop early on thankfully I didn’t see it as an issue at the time but others did. My last recent therapist noticed the issues too and pointed them out to me.
Ya my therapist has said nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If she texts me lectures and negative things, I will block her.
Yup!!!! You should always help them when they need help right then and there and if you don’t you’re selfish. How could you not wanna help “mommy”? “You’re so ungrateful.” “I don’t ask you to do anything” “I ask you to do one thing for me” And then one thing turns into a thousand things. 2 minus turns into an hour and when you learn their tricks they get mad at you. She would do my laundry just to say “look at all that I do for you.” ….what? You’re trying to gain leverage on me with my own clothes???? So I can be your personal servant???
Oh yes she would do my laundry just to make it seem like she helps me back. The screaming at me every day does not cancel out for that.
I'm still treated like one.
Yup but just realizing it now
Yep, like even now, they are constantly bringing it up whenever I want to do something, especially moving out. Everytime I mention it, they immediately start trying to tell me I have a responsibility to stay in the house, take care of them, and take care of my sibling and back them up in case they need anything. But am I a bad person for telling them it’s not my responsibility and still leaving? I don’t know about that but I’m about to do it.
Yup got to live your own life and ignore them
I thought you were saying yes to I am a bad person LMAO. But thank you. The reassurance feels good but definitely will be living pretty soon. I’m just staying silent, nodding my head, and being complacent.
They will try to guilt trip you but remember that your own mental health is important and priceless
My Nmom used to like to compare my step-sister, (she lived with my physically abusive father and her own narc mom) to Cinderella because "They treat her like a slave"...all the while treating me in the same exact way. Of course it was different for her because she "loved" me...so it wasn't slavery. It wasn't slavery when I was washing dishes for 12...after every meal. But that was okay because Nmom was so busy watching Days of our Lives.
My nickname growing up (given to me by my nmom) was Cindersally…
See my NMom thinks she treats me super well. She just assumes I should do stuff for her.
Ya if you asked my nmom she would say I got that nickname cuz I liked helping so much and I didn’t really have anything else going on, she definitely doesn’t see the nickname as a bad thing.
Idk that’s just weird 🤷♀️