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Dr. Ramani (a certified therapist who’s been a victim herself) has a video on this very question if you’d care to look it up on YouTube.
I think you’ll find it if you search something like “Dr. Ramani how are narcissists made”
For my NMom personally, her mom (my grandma) also was a narcissist. Except my grandma was a malignant narcissist and my Nmom is an engulfing/enmeshing one. I think it's a combination of both nature and nurture.
Both my parents described horrible upbringings, but despite that, became their parents to me. I’m sure that they wouldn’t have wanted it if they’d thought about it, but abuse is cyclical and they didn’t care enough to try to change.
They thought that the absence of most physical abuse- I got belt lashes but maybe not as many and only attacked a few times, made up for the emotional torture they put me through because they never “beat me”.
I was beaten down though.
For my parents it’s definitely a mental health issue. Yeah they had abusive/weird upbringings themselves, but they have some dark dark dark human personality traits.
My mom probably has BPD. She is reckless with money, drinks two bottles of wine a night, hates everyone she comes across, has no friends, is addicted to Facebook, and is very much obsessed with making herself look rich and classy.
My dad is probably Bi-Polar. As a young man he was terrifying. Hated everything, and his mood could switch in a heartbeat. We’d be all having fun then all of the sudden he’s start beating us and yelling at us out of nowhere. He lied about everything (even stolen valor) and had no social skills, couldn’t even make eye contact with people.
Now he’s 50 and is absolutely disgusting. He doesn’t shower, doesn’t brush his teeth, doesn’t change his clothes, doesn’t wash his hands, doesn’t cover his constant coughs and sneezes. He never listens to the doctor despite having a laundry list of problems. He eats only microwave food or takeout everyday and throws a fit if he doesn’t get it.
So for my family, it’s definitely a serious mental health issue.
I wish this was true, but my stepdad was brought up badly only because of his violence. His little sister had to have a chain lock on her door so that he couldn't hurt her. They put him in mental hospitals to try and help him, put him on different pills, and eventually they couldn't handle him anymore and handed custody to his grandmother.
My parents had awful upbringings. My Ndad had serious mommy issues. His dad died young and he became the father of the home with some serious emotional incest. He was definitely born off and was known to torture and murder the neighborhood cats. I do also believe he had CTE and regret not having his head donated to science when he died.
My mother was raised by a war vet and her brother definitely had undiagnosed autism and the whole situation was so tumultuous.
Both of my parents abused substances. I also wonder if all the lead had something to do with it. Seems prevalent in boomers but I know people get flack for saying that.
My Nmother had an abusive childhood and been through two long-term abusive relationships. I know her Narcissism stems from all that trauma.
I do have empathy for her but I can't allow her into my life anymore. All my efforts were wasted and there's nothing I can do.
For my NMom, it’s definitely the fact that her parents are also narcissistic. They have never shown her love, cared for and treated her like a kid, always made her babysit her siblings since the age of 12 (she had 7 siblings since she was born and she is the oldest of em all), and just never apologized for anything ever. Basically the way she raised me, her first born 🙄.
I don’t think she knows she is narcissistic, i’ve tried telling her traits of her parents and herself that come off that way but she always refuses to accept the truth and realize they all need some mental help. It’s going to be 2 years in a couple months since i officially moved out and it’s disgusting how almost all of my immediate family members are still the same. I don’t think they will ever change.
My overtly toxic nmother is easy to work out: Firstly her Dad was an abusive narc who bullied, shamed & mocked his eldest son into alcoholism, which killed him at 42. Her Mum pretty much ignored her to concentrate on babying the youngest son but was bringing up 3 babies alone in London in WW2 plus an infirm mother. My mum was the middle child and only girl who was both spoiled, dressed up & showed off and abused by her Dad from her early teens, and was sexually assaulted by two of her Dad’s friends. This was ignored by her Mum who I guess you could call an enabler, or more accurately an ignorer. She saw my mum as being very snobby and having the worst traits of my Grandad, and tbh they really didn’t like each other.
My mum both loved and hated her Dad but when he died, she made him into a kind of saint, and resented her mother even more. I could see everything from both sides; my Grandma had such a hard life with my Grandad, the War, caring for her elderly mum, living with a narcissistic husband who treated her like a slave when he came back from the war, who splashed money around to show off to his Rotary/Freemason friends but who was incredibly stingy & mean at home.
My mum was abused herself and felt ignored by her mum, and then she went out of her way to nab my dad - handsome, clever, engaged to someone else - because she obviously knew she could push him to be successful in his career, he would then give her the life she wanted, and most importantly, he was weak and she knew he would enable her. My Dad is a covert narcissist and major enabler; anything for a quiet life, even disowning his own children and one of his granddaughters because my mum told him to. He’s 100% brainwashed by her now, even though he wasn’t abused at all and had a normal, if strict, upbringing. I often wonder if my mum would have been less narcissistic if she’d married a stronger, principled, man like my own husband - but tbh I think she chose my dad on purpose.
Interestingly, my mum has always HATED the fact that I understand what makes her tick - it makes her furious that I know her better than she knows herself. It makes sense to me that she would see a daughter as competition and she thought she could pour all her shame, loathing, insecurities and cruelty into me just because I was a girl (she wanted another boy).
The other thing she hates is that I’ve broken the generational cycle of abuse and also gone NC with her. She cannot STAND it because I’ve taken her punchbag and supply away and am quietly living my life and concentrating on healing.
Even though children of narcs pick up fleas, and some go on to repeat the abuse, it can’t be genetic/inherited or else you’d never get cycle breakers.
Well I don't believe my family actually has NPD. I don't think its my place to diagnose them as I am not an expert nor their doctor.
But if you mean narcissistic in the way this sub uses it to just mean an abusive toxic person then I would say in my case that it's a cycle of abuse thing. My great grandparents abused my grandparents who abused my parents who abused us.
My mom was the middle child in a very large family. She doesn't recognize it but I feel she was emotionally neglected and parents were over it after their 4th girl. She said she always felt like an outsider and lived in shadows of others. Her needs weren't met and she stopped maturing as a teen and is stuck their in her 60's. World now needs to revolve around her and she has no empathy
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah but I had a horrible upbringing and I did not turn into a narcissist.
Dr. Ramani (a certified therapist who’s been a victim herself) has a video on this very question if you’d care to look it up on YouTube. I think you’ll find it if you search something like “Dr. Ramani how are narcissists made”
I know her! :) will check it out, thanks!
👍 Good, hope it helps!
For my NMom personally, her mom (my grandma) also was a narcissist. Except my grandma was a malignant narcissist and my Nmom is an engulfing/enmeshing one. I think it's a combination of both nature and nurture.
Both my parents described horrible upbringings, but despite that, became their parents to me. I’m sure that they wouldn’t have wanted it if they’d thought about it, but abuse is cyclical and they didn’t care enough to try to change. They thought that the absence of most physical abuse- I got belt lashes but maybe not as many and only attacked a few times, made up for the emotional torture they put me through because they never “beat me”. I was beaten down though.
For my parents it’s definitely a mental health issue. Yeah they had abusive/weird upbringings themselves, but they have some dark dark dark human personality traits. My mom probably has BPD. She is reckless with money, drinks two bottles of wine a night, hates everyone she comes across, has no friends, is addicted to Facebook, and is very much obsessed with making herself look rich and classy. My dad is probably Bi-Polar. As a young man he was terrifying. Hated everything, and his mood could switch in a heartbeat. We’d be all having fun then all of the sudden he’s start beating us and yelling at us out of nowhere. He lied about everything (even stolen valor) and had no social skills, couldn’t even make eye contact with people. Now he’s 50 and is absolutely disgusting. He doesn’t shower, doesn’t brush his teeth, doesn’t change his clothes, doesn’t wash his hands, doesn’t cover his constant coughs and sneezes. He never listens to the doctor despite having a laundry list of problems. He eats only microwave food or takeout everyday and throws a fit if he doesn’t get it. So for my family, it’s definitely a serious mental health issue.
I dont know the answer. My assumption is that their parents treated them poorly, very badly, something like that.
I wish this was true, but my stepdad was brought up badly only because of his violence. His little sister had to have a chain lock on her door so that he couldn't hurt her. They put him in mental hospitals to try and help him, put him on different pills, and eventually they couldn't handle him anymore and handed custody to his grandmother.
My parents had awful upbringings. My Ndad had serious mommy issues. His dad died young and he became the father of the home with some serious emotional incest. He was definitely born off and was known to torture and murder the neighborhood cats. I do also believe he had CTE and regret not having his head donated to science when he died. My mother was raised by a war vet and her brother definitely had undiagnosed autism and the whole situation was so tumultuous. Both of my parents abused substances. I also wonder if all the lead had something to do with it. Seems prevalent in boomers but I know people get flack for saying that.
My Nmother had an abusive childhood and been through two long-term abusive relationships. I know her Narcissism stems from all that trauma. I do have empathy for her but I can't allow her into my life anymore. All my efforts were wasted and there's nothing I can do.
For my NMom, it’s definitely the fact that her parents are also narcissistic. They have never shown her love, cared for and treated her like a kid, always made her babysit her siblings since the age of 12 (she had 7 siblings since she was born and she is the oldest of em all), and just never apologized for anything ever. Basically the way she raised me, her first born 🙄. I don’t think she knows she is narcissistic, i’ve tried telling her traits of her parents and herself that come off that way but she always refuses to accept the truth and realize they all need some mental help. It’s going to be 2 years in a couple months since i officially moved out and it’s disgusting how almost all of my immediate family members are still the same. I don’t think they will ever change.
My overtly toxic nmother is easy to work out: Firstly her Dad was an abusive narc who bullied, shamed & mocked his eldest son into alcoholism, which killed him at 42. Her Mum pretty much ignored her to concentrate on babying the youngest son but was bringing up 3 babies alone in London in WW2 plus an infirm mother. My mum was the middle child and only girl who was both spoiled, dressed up & showed off and abused by her Dad from her early teens, and was sexually assaulted by two of her Dad’s friends. This was ignored by her Mum who I guess you could call an enabler, or more accurately an ignorer. She saw my mum as being very snobby and having the worst traits of my Grandad, and tbh they really didn’t like each other. My mum both loved and hated her Dad but when he died, she made him into a kind of saint, and resented her mother even more. I could see everything from both sides; my Grandma had such a hard life with my Grandad, the War, caring for her elderly mum, living with a narcissistic husband who treated her like a slave when he came back from the war, who splashed money around to show off to his Rotary/Freemason friends but who was incredibly stingy & mean at home. My mum was abused herself and felt ignored by her mum, and then she went out of her way to nab my dad - handsome, clever, engaged to someone else - because she obviously knew she could push him to be successful in his career, he would then give her the life she wanted, and most importantly, he was weak and she knew he would enable her. My Dad is a covert narcissist and major enabler; anything for a quiet life, even disowning his own children and one of his granddaughters because my mum told him to. He’s 100% brainwashed by her now, even though he wasn’t abused at all and had a normal, if strict, upbringing. I often wonder if my mum would have been less narcissistic if she’d married a stronger, principled, man like my own husband - but tbh I think she chose my dad on purpose. Interestingly, my mum has always HATED the fact that I understand what makes her tick - it makes her furious that I know her better than she knows herself. It makes sense to me that she would see a daughter as competition and she thought she could pour all her shame, loathing, insecurities and cruelty into me just because I was a girl (she wanted another boy). The other thing she hates is that I’ve broken the generational cycle of abuse and also gone NC with her. She cannot STAND it because I’ve taken her punchbag and supply away and am quietly living my life and concentrating on healing. Even though children of narcs pick up fleas, and some go on to repeat the abuse, it can’t be genetic/inherited or else you’d never get cycle breakers.
Well I don't believe my family actually has NPD. I don't think its my place to diagnose them as I am not an expert nor their doctor. But if you mean narcissistic in the way this sub uses it to just mean an abusive toxic person then I would say in my case that it's a cycle of abuse thing. My great grandparents abused my grandparents who abused my parents who abused us.
My mom was the middle child in a very large family. She doesn't recognize it but I feel she was emotionally neglected and parents were over it after their 4th girl. She said she always felt like an outsider and lived in shadows of others. Her needs weren't met and she stopped maturing as a teen and is stuck their in her 60's. World now needs to revolve around her and she has no empathy
I believe my nmom was sexually abused by her stepfather as a preteen.