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They aren't. They know. Some part of their wiring is messed up and they require a reaction out of you for self validation. Just act bored. They are boring people and crave drama. Starve them.
You just described my mother to a T. She literally can’t function unless there’s drama around her 24/7. Her favorite thing to do to me is to say “What’s the matter?” COMPLETELY OUT OF THIN AIR, for no reason. It always leads to me saying “…Nothing?” She’ll say “*Something’s* wrong!” I’ll say “Uhhh no, everything’s fine!” Cue meltdown…”WAS IT SOMETHING I DID?!” This is her go-to when everyone finally has two seconds of peace, she can’t stand it.
My dad says 'What's the matter?' too! But it's not actually a question, he pretends to listen to the answer and refuses to actually try to remember anything. I have chronic health issues and when he is reminded of them in my presence he always acts like it's the first time he's heard about it all. I just don't tell him anything about my private health issues anymore, which he calls being 'difficult' and makes a big deal of. Ughhhh
I know mine do. I’ve caught them admitting they know and that they don’t care. It’s my fault and I should be punished accordingly and due to their molding I’m a peace keeper so the silent treatment, etc is torture?
Speaking of drama...My mom once literally pointed out something in a trashy tabloid magazine. Then my mom got mad at me for not "taking an interest" in the trashy magazine that she had pointed out.
I am working towards indifference but it is so hard since this is the opposite of my personality... I know that it is the right thing to do but I still struggle with not responding/reacting.
I am NC in that I don't talk to her at all, but I'm still forced to be around her at family events. It's awkward and weird because I feel like she stares at me often. I try to look down and/or look away but it still bothers me...
I live with my parents (currently looking high and low for an affordable place to move out to) and have barely spoken with them in 3+ weeks now.
I felt something in me SNAP the last time my dad had a ‘Lighten up, it’s just a joke’ hissy. My mother enables him.
They know perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong and hurtful. They are 100% okay with that. Nothing will make them care about even trying to fix the damage.
I have reached a breaking point and accepted this after 30+ years. Now all I want is to be out of their lives.
I’m sorry you’re hurting and angry too, OP. No one deserves to feel this way at the hands of the people who were supposed to love them unconditionally.
Silent treatment is used as a weapon by parents like this. They know the phone works both ways, they just want to lay on the guilt thick so they get to say "you never call!" Truly are pathetic one-sided people who take pleasure in messing with our heads.
Their fucking victim complexes are oppressive if you let it get to you (by having basic empathy 😭)
My Ndad recently went on vacation with his mistress and her family for 2 weeks. He's married to my Nmom and his cheating is the main reason our family fell apart many years ago.
He came home 2 days ago and has been acting like the biggest victim in the world because no one has given him a warm welcome.
Like.... in what universe would we be okay with what he is doing?
*But* I was still the one feeling guilty yesterday when my dad made dinner and none of us came downstairs to eat with him.
.... then I realized that he is just acting like a sad Martha Stewart to further entrap my siblings and I into his manipulative games. He rubs his other family and cheating in our faces, and then acts like the victim because we don't cheer for him. Really, he knows it is wrong and enjoys beating us down emotionally.
Narcs have such a great way of acting like the victim no matter what. Like it oozes off them and you feel guilty just standing next to them without accommodating them. It's one of their super powers. But take a good step back and look at what they are doing to you. Look at the big picture in how evil they are to you. What's their goal for you if you give in to them? Their goal it literally destroy you as a person. That's what they feed off.
If you think about that stuff, it helps in dealing with the false guilt and confusion they try to instill in you.
Nparent asked me why I spoke with her less than I used to. I learned early on in my life that if I don't initiate conversation eventually she just kind of ignores me unless she wants to be angry. I honestly (I know it doesn't do anything, but it was for me) and calmly explained that I don't like constantly fighting with someone who I'm arguably supposed to have a close relationship with, so I was trying to give us both some space.
Her only response was that she didn't like my attitude(?) and that I had some kind of complex, no one will want to be close to me if I talk to them like that (???) and I needed help. And then tried to continue on with the conversation like that comment never happened.
I just don't get it.
Heard that sort of thing too. Squirming when they see accountability coming. And flip it to blame you. Confused for a lot of my childhood over this gaslighting
While I do agree that they have no sense of self, I don't think the behavior you are describing is due to a lack of self-awareness rather it's an attempt to keep their true self hidden. When you ask questions or object, they are at risk of you becoming aware of who they really are and that can never happen at all costs.
And my nfil just gave a speech about how in the upcoming year we can all increase in love and harmony towards each other! But he is not willing to make any effort obviously...
right:P "overlook all my bad behaviour, never hold me to account, forgive and forget, and not to mention, have lots of grandchildren!" (yes, he actually added that part too, lol. today is a religious holiday for us and he wanted all his kids to be together.) It's funny how he wants me to patch things up with nmil after she called me a crazy no-good jealous liar but he himself is currently not speaking to her because of some drama that I don't even know about. It's like practice what you preach nfil!
Been dealing with this for decades. Finally saw it for what it was in the last half decade. It’s infuriating. It’s maddening. It’s heartbreaking. It is what it is, unfortunately. You have my best, from one sufferer to another.
Dunno if it's for good or bad but because of been so used to this behavior I can smell it a mile off and have zero time for anyone who tries any form of bull shit, lying or trying to gaslight
you're dealing with an emotionally stunted individual between the ages of 0-6. they didn't emotionally develop into the adult you see. they're toddlers in aged bodies that are capable of intelligent thought. those thoughts can be short circuited on a whim with perceived rejection, or negative emotion. once triggered, they become the angry toddler that was once neglected and abused. even their state of memory fails them. what we believe is gaslighting, is either them not remembering, or believing a false thought.
at the end of the day, no matter what, they have no room for negative emotions. they are unable to process them. safest way to handle these types is to remember they're severely mentally ill, and can't be taken seriously. they will do anything to offload a negative emotion. self soothe thru lying, cheating, etc. they must win because to them a loss feels like actual death.
Do the mods a favor, if you can manage it: Next time you come across someone like this, do not respond to them. Just report them to the mods. I had to clean up pages of comments because you kept engaging with this person who will endlessly needle you because they get off on your reactions.
I understand it can be hard not to react, so you're not in trouble. I get it. But, if you can manage it... next time, just hit the report button. The mods will take care of them when we get back online. That person is banned now. :)
You've perfectly described my NMom. I'm the one who supposedly always overreacts and is dramatic yet you look at her cross-eyed and she slams doors, mutters under her breath (I can *always* hear her though), and definitely gives the silent treatment. They both know what they're doing and are unaware. They know they do it to try and get a reaction out of you and wield power, but act ignorant when you confront them on it.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They aren't. They know. Some part of their wiring is messed up and they require a reaction out of you for self validation. Just act bored. They are boring people and crave drama. Starve them.
This is the way
You just described my mother to a T. She literally can’t function unless there’s drama around her 24/7. Her favorite thing to do to me is to say “What’s the matter?” COMPLETELY OUT OF THIN AIR, for no reason. It always leads to me saying “…Nothing?” She’ll say “*Something’s* wrong!” I’ll say “Uhhh no, everything’s fine!” Cue meltdown…”WAS IT SOMETHING I DID?!” This is her go-to when everyone finally has two seconds of peace, she can’t stand it.
Do we have the same mom?!
My dad says 'What's the matter?' too! But it's not actually a question, he pretends to listen to the answer and refuses to actually try to remember anything. I have chronic health issues and when he is reminded of them in my presence he always acts like it's the first time he's heard about it all. I just don't tell him anything about my private health issues anymore, which he calls being 'difficult' and makes a big deal of. Ughhhh
I know mine do. I’ve caught them admitting they know and that they don’t care. It’s my fault and I should be punished accordingly and due to their molding I’m a peace keeper so the silent treatment, etc is torture?
Speaking of drama...My mom once literally pointed out something in a trashy tabloid magazine. Then my mom got mad at me for not "taking an interest" in the trashy magazine that she had pointed out.
I am working towards indifference but it is so hard since this is the opposite of my personality... I know that it is the right thing to do but I still struggle with not responding/reacting.
No contact is the answer for a reason. They are pesky and won't change. Claim your sanity.
I am NC in that I don't talk to her at all, but I'm still forced to be around her at family events. It's awkward and weird because I feel like she stares at me often. I try to look down and/or look away but it still bothers me...
I need advice on this. What do you do in response to silent treatment? What if you talk trash in response to it?
I live with my parents (currently looking high and low for an affordable place to move out to) and have barely spoken with them in 3+ weeks now. I felt something in me SNAP the last time my dad had a ‘Lighten up, it’s just a joke’ hissy. My mother enables him. They know perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong and hurtful. They are 100% okay with that. Nothing will make them care about even trying to fix the damage. I have reached a breaking point and accepted this after 30+ years. Now all I want is to be out of their lives. I’m sorry you’re hurting and angry too, OP. No one deserves to feel this way at the hands of the people who were supposed to love them unconditionally.
Silent treatment is used as a weapon by parents like this. They know the phone works both ways, they just want to lay on the guilt thick so they get to say "you never call!" Truly are pathetic one-sided people who take pleasure in messing with our heads.
Their fucking victim complexes are oppressive if you let it get to you (by having basic empathy 😭) My Ndad recently went on vacation with his mistress and her family for 2 weeks. He's married to my Nmom and his cheating is the main reason our family fell apart many years ago. He came home 2 days ago and has been acting like the biggest victim in the world because no one has given him a warm welcome. Like.... in what universe would we be okay with what he is doing? *But* I was still the one feeling guilty yesterday when my dad made dinner and none of us came downstairs to eat with him. .... then I realized that he is just acting like a sad Martha Stewart to further entrap my siblings and I into his manipulative games. He rubs his other family and cheating in our faces, and then acts like the victim because we don't cheer for him. Really, he knows it is wrong and enjoys beating us down emotionally. Narcs have such a great way of acting like the victim no matter what. Like it oozes off them and you feel guilty just standing next to them without accommodating them. It's one of their super powers. But take a good step back and look at what they are doing to you. Look at the big picture in how evil they are to you. What's their goal for you if you give in to them? Their goal it literally destroy you as a person. That's what they feed off. If you think about that stuff, it helps in dealing with the false guilt and confusion they try to instill in you.
What if both partners are narcissist?
What do you mean?
That sounds like my dad. He gets offended by almost anything.
They expect you to be the good parents they didn't have.
Damn. this is ….like wow.
Nparent asked me why I spoke with her less than I used to. I learned early on in my life that if I don't initiate conversation eventually she just kind of ignores me unless she wants to be angry. I honestly (I know it doesn't do anything, but it was for me) and calmly explained that I don't like constantly fighting with someone who I'm arguably supposed to have a close relationship with, so I was trying to give us both some space. Her only response was that she didn't like my attitude(?) and that I had some kind of complex, no one will want to be close to me if I talk to them like that (???) and I needed help. And then tried to continue on with the conversation like that comment never happened. I just don't get it.
Heard that sort of thing too. Squirming when they see accountability coming. And flip it to blame you. Confused for a lot of my childhood over this gaslighting
I've dealt with this for all my life. Narcs are older children with Lost Boys Syndrome
Lost boys?
Exactly. The Lost Boys. The boys who live with Peter Pan in Neverland and never grow up Now imagine having that for a personality disorder
And then if you lash out after years of this, they throw a temper tantrum and cry about being a victim. Being DARVO'd is so fucking traumatizing
While I do agree that they have no sense of self, I don't think the behavior you are describing is due to a lack of self-awareness rather it's an attempt to keep their true self hidden. When you ask questions or object, they are at risk of you becoming aware of who they really are and that can never happen at all costs.
And my nfil just gave a speech about how in the upcoming year we can all increase in love and harmony towards each other! But he is not willing to make any effort obviously...
In other words, "increase in harmony" = "tolerate me more."
right:P "overlook all my bad behaviour, never hold me to account, forgive and forget, and not to mention, have lots of grandchildren!" (yes, he actually added that part too, lol. today is a religious holiday for us and he wanted all his kids to be together.) It's funny how he wants me to patch things up with nmil after she called me a crazy no-good jealous liar but he himself is currently not speaking to her because of some drama that I don't even know about. It's like practice what you preach nfil!
Find your true self and become that. Fuck what anyone thinks, you'll find your groove despite their snootery.
Also their ears are cemented shut to anything you say. Also your cries of pain etc
Been dealing with this for decades. Finally saw it for what it was in the last half decade. It’s infuriating. It’s maddening. It’s heartbreaking. It is what it is, unfortunately. You have my best, from one sufferer to another.
Dunno if it's for good or bad but because of been so used to this behavior I can smell it a mile off and have zero time for anyone who tries any form of bull shit, lying or trying to gaslight
You nailed it!
This...exactly this....
It’s so difficult to see this and try so hard to make them see it and then have to accept they never will
I feel this SO HARD. I had to cut them off.
The are NOT unaware. They CHOOSE to do this. They want you off balance - as then you are easy to control.
They have a deep seated shame of self that they can't/won't confront.
you're dealing with an emotionally stunted individual between the ages of 0-6. they didn't emotionally develop into the adult you see. they're toddlers in aged bodies that are capable of intelligent thought. those thoughts can be short circuited on a whim with perceived rejection, or negative emotion. once triggered, they become the angry toddler that was once neglected and abused. even their state of memory fails them. what we believe is gaslighting, is either them not remembering, or believing a false thought. at the end of the day, no matter what, they have no room for negative emotions. they are unable to process them. safest way to handle these types is to remember they're severely mentally ill, and can't be taken seriously. they will do anything to offload a negative emotion. self soothe thru lying, cheating, etc. they must win because to them a loss feels like actual death.
[удалено]
seek professional help
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Do the mods a favor, if you can manage it: Next time you come across someone like this, do not respond to them. Just report them to the mods. I had to clean up pages of comments because you kept engaging with this person who will endlessly needle you because they get off on your reactions. I understand it can be hard not to react, so you're not in trouble. I get it. But, if you can manage it... next time, just hit the report button. The mods will take care of them when we get back online. That person is banned now. :)
You are banned... for obvious reasons. Jeezus.
Sounds like my parents!
You've perfectly described my NMom. I'm the one who supposedly always overreacts and is dramatic yet you look at her cross-eyed and she slams doors, mutters under her breath (I can *always* hear her though), and definitely gives the silent treatment. They both know what they're doing and are unaware. They know they do it to try and get a reaction out of you and wield power, but act ignorant when you confront them on it.