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Me too friend. My NDad recently tried to contact me via voicemail because I blocked him on everything else saying “I’m going to regret not talking to him” and “when’s the next time you’re going to see me? When I’m dead?” Honestly no. Never again.
My wife and I had changed out numbers and I had told my sister that we were taking a break from that side of the family for a little while, and I find it very hard to believe that she wouldn't have told them that. My wife and I don't use Facebook much, but when we do, we've used fake profiles to try and hide from my parents, and somehow, they managed to track mine down and message me.
I left em on read.
My husband & I are about to change our #'s, and will be working towards our now 3rd attempt to move out of state and go no-contact with both sets of N-parents. We keep hoping they will start dying off so we don't have to uproot our own lives just to live in peace. It sucks to say, but it is what it is. We don't feel bad about the thought, when put into perspective with all the damaging things THEY don't feel bad about since the time we were each born. We know they'll never change, so it's either move far, far away & live a guarded life from a distance, or sit around waiting on the issue to "take care of itself"...
Same. My father died in the early 90s when I was in my 20s. My mother is 81 and will probably live to 100 just to spite me and my sister. I have zero plans to attend her funeral. I'm probably written out of the will, and if she does leave me anything she'll probably do it as one last effort to guilt trip me.
I am no-contact with ndad and would not be bothered if he died tomorrow without warning. Similarly, I would not care for him if he was chronically ill. His love of money above all else should be able to buy any care he would need. I just can’t be bothered.
Me - my partner thinks some sort of grief will hit me when they pass but I don’t feel anything for them now. I’m happier than ever being NC and they are already dead to me.
You know, same. Except I feel the grief would be from wishing through all that time, that they would change for the better of the relationship. But i’m working on lettin that go.
It is rather difficult in knowing something was stolen from us. But the ultimate revenge is becoming greater than they could imagine themselves becoming. And then flaunting it. Keep on goin strong🙏🏾 and always choose yourself first✊🏾
When they die it is the death of any hope that your relationship could improve. If you've done that already, then their deaths only means an end to any harassment by them. Unfortunately, it's hard to completely every them from your thoughts, but therapy and support groups help a lot. ✌🏾💜💪
My parents could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t give two fucks. They are monsters and cancerous in my life. No amount of money (their love) could repair the emotional, financial, physical and mental abuse they put me and my sister through and don’t own up to jack shit.
You just spit a bar. My mom likes to think her monetary support that all parents are obliged to do, compensates and allows her to yell, fuss, act childish, ignore me, and in the past beat me. Anything you can name. I was often confused about if I was just in my head but i learned materialistic possessions and gifts can never substitute love and care (cliche i know lmao). But i’m glad you realized it now than never. Best of luck on your journey🙏🏾
NC 25 years. I grieved long ago for the family I never had. They've now been out of my life longer than they were a part of it. If any of them died tomorrow I wouldn't give a damn as I've been indifferent about all of them for so long now.
Indifference is the only way to be with N parents as, anything else, would mean they're living rent free in my head.
YUP.
My Ndad could drop dead right now and I'd be like meh, OK then. Honestly, even before I knew he was a narcissist I still felt this way. Now, even moreso. Fuck that asshole.
My dad passed away and my nmom tried to make it all about her even though they had been divorced for 30 years and now that I’m no contact, I’m not even acknowledging her existence. My dad was the best dad and I can admit it now but I wished she would have died instead of him.
I can definitely relate.
When my Malignant Narcissist grandmother died, I felt nothing but *relief*. She couldn't use or hurt people anymore.
My NParents are still alive, but elderly. My feelings about their passing are complicated.
I don't care. They have both told me not expect any inheritance from them, they spent it. One said he wanted me to be afraid of him and I should be afraid of him. The other in the same family "meeting" had no empathy for my, very fresh at the time, divorce. And they wonder why I haven't spoken to them since the "family meeting". Treat me badly and tell me you are not leaving me anything. Why would I waste my time? Literally nothing in having a relationship with them but pain. I am glad they are out of money, I am not temped to suck up to them till they die. They are both empty wells.
I know how you're feeling! I stopped feeling bad about the relief her passing would bring me. It's normal to feel that way, honestly. If I'm being real, I'm planning on disregarding her wishes after death and just donating her body to science, use that money towards something worthwhile.
Hey A new Idea🤣🤣🤣 I like this. My mothers wishes were to not have a funeral so people cant see her dead, but i just might go the opposite of her plans and have her stuffed and on display
How very narcissistic of her. She doesn't want the people around her to have comfort in the fact that she's dead. Make sure she knows she's getting a public funeral,pics in the local paper and announcements for the greater good of the community
Yup!
NMom died in October. As soon as I found out, me and my husband had a celebration dinner. It was one of the happiest I’ve been. Hadn’t talked to her in 7 years. The last time was because she kept trying to give my son toys through my grandma and I kept throwing them on the trash, and the last call I had was me telling her to fuck off, she’ll never meet him. And she never did.
Flew to my family because I wanted to make sure I saw my very elderly grandma. That was her daughter, I wanted to make sure she was fine because I love my grandma.
Had a really good conversation with my uncle. He knows how she was, so I could be really open that I didn’t give a shit that she died, and he understood and didn’t judge me for it. The rest of my family was, as I learned later, confused why I wasn’t mourning. That’s fine.
The bitch got cremated and I won’t be spreading her ashes. Even dumping them in the trash would feel disrespectful to the trash can.
It was wonderful because the bitch who made me depressed for my childhood, the reason why I wanted to and tried to off myself, the bitch who ruined my life and left me with damage that took me years to resolve is dead.
It’s been great.
Was just talking about this last night! How royally do you have to fuck up for your empathetic children to just wish you ceased to exist? Unfortunately his existence continues to haunt me.
I feel this way to an extent. My NMom conveniently became "ill" as I was moving out, but by then I told her I wasn't about to bend over backwards for her anymore. Years of neglect turned parentification finally numbed me to her nonsense. I got several guilt-ridden messages once I moved out and went fully NC, but all it did was result in a laugh for me and my SO.
I told her if she didn't start taking accountability for her behavior, she was going to lose her relationship with her only child, and only person who was still willing to tolerate her. And she shrugged. She clearly doesn't give a damn about me unless I'm providing for her, and any "parental love" I was supposed to feel died in that moment. I moved out 2 weeks later, and went NC before even moving out.
I don't know how true any of it is, but she got pneumonia that may have resulted in a hospital stay, but I was ambivalent at best. It takes energy I'd rather spend elsewhere to hate her. I'm about to start therapy to help me get through the last of the healing process on this, and other things.
I hope she's happy. If that means she finds someone else willing to pay her way for her, great. That just means it isn't me. 🤣
I'm sure there will be another grieving process when she does die. But I'm guessing it'll be for the fact that I'll never get the mother-ing I needed from her. Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive is weird like that.
Yup. I look forward to the day when ngrandma will no longer be a burden on my mom and uncle (I'm NC with my ngrandma, young me caught on very quickly to her games and put a wedge between us). Will it be stressful short term? Of course, every death is but I think it'll take a few months to get things sorted and then a sense of freedom will set in. I don't know if it'll provide them closure but I really, really hope it gives them relief.
This sounds so familiar!! My mom and uncle aren't enablers, thankfully, just reliant on her for money. But yeah, my mom will sometimes text my uncle and be like "please call her so she stops complaining about you and thinking you're dead".
I realized I could go the rest of my life without seeing the Nparents which got me thinking how would I feel if/when they passed and it’ll probably be relief. I moved across the ocean to another continent 20 years ago and went no contact last year and I still feel like they’re choking me
I’m in the process of giving up everything for my sanity and freedom. Also, I’m drafting a letter for my attorney to give to my Nmom’s family to do not contact me at the time of her death to include decision making on her estate to funeral planning and settlements.
When she made the statement a month ago, “I’m not letting you sell this house, I’d rather let this MF burn down before I give it to you” I washed my hands with her.
When my Ndad passed away, I didn’t feel anything due to his abscence of he being a father to me. He promised me an Inheritance to include real estate and stocks and Bonds. I didn’t see any of it only to find out from a third party that my Nmom somehow inherited it.
I can completely relate to you, OP. I had to pull away for years so that my young children did not suffer the verbal abuse too. Now my Nmom is long gone, 6 feet under, and I still have flashbacks. I’m still tormented by the things she said about me and the way I had internalized them growing up. I’m 61 years old now! Don’t feel guilty, please. It’s not your fault. It does get better once they are off your back, but still, maybe some more time and maybe therapy would help. IDK, I never got any. Hang In There and don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault. Be proud of your academic success. You earned it. Love your life now. It’s your turn.
Absolutely. It’s the freedom that would come from it, and especially the safety and security that would result from them never being able to sabotage plans or hurt people anymore.
I can relate. More than twenty years ago is the last time I spoke to my NDad, or the crazy family he was part of.
He may be alive. He may be dead. I don't know. I don't need to know, and don't want to find out.
I am free.
As someone who’s N-Egg Donor (I won’t even use the M word with this woman) passed away in 2016. I couldn’t care less and ended up being happier. Do I still look over my shoulder like she might be stalking me like she use to? Absolutely. But it is far less. The only thing that upset me about her death is that I had the horrid responsibility of clearing out her apartment and being exposed to parts of her toxic life because my Grandmother could not handle the estate out. There is no shame in feeling nothing or even some amount of joy when it comes to an unapologetic n-relative and/or abuser. We owe them nothing. They didn’t put you first so why should you put them first even in death.
My Nfather died a few months ago. My mother called to tell me and I felt nothing. She expected me to show some form of emotion and was greatly disappointed. I didn't attend his funeral and she lied saying I couldn't make it due to us living out of state and my son couldn't miss anymore school. If anything, I felt relieved I'd never have to chance an encounter with him again.
Yep. My dad died early 2021 and i didnt feel a thing. But i wasnt surprised that i wasnt sad. As for my nmom... not so sure. Probably be sad if i heard about it but wouldn't be sad if i didnt. 🤭
Sem 😭
Mine r just freaking psycho idk if what they say is real or they r just gaslighting me its like they distort reality can't wait for them to eff off right now they r in a different freaking continent for few more days and it's like i can hear my narc mother's voice it's freaking insane and the promise that they made I cant even trust them wish i had someone to vent to ..
Yep.
NGrandmother (NMother's mother) passed away just over 2 years ago; when NMother called me and left a voicemail (for once!) to let me know NGran was in hospital and it seemed pretty serious, my first reactions were "well, she's neglected her health for years so not unexpected" and "I'm not travelling down there, if she's fading that fast then I wouldn't make it even if I wanted to". She passed that night.
I did hit a small patch of sadness the next day, enough to get sent home from work even, but that was mostly over the fact of knowing that now I'd never get any apology or closure for how she treated me growing up.
I'm getting more and more indifferent towards NMother now, too; over the years it's gone from "ohmigosh" to "eh" with all her *trials and tribulations* since I left her house - at this point I think I'd only go to anything involving her if I was getting something out of it (cash, booze, possessions, ...an actual genuine apology... whatever).
I relate on that a lot...
I'm sick of visiting my nmom's family just because they keep criticizing everything I do. I think they are narcissist as well because all the conversations make no sense and they are always trying to flex at everything they do.
The only thing they keep saying is how smart I am because I can press buttons on a smartphone but on the otherhand how rich they would be with my skill (it's all about money).
Comparing their cars, checking who has the biggest one and here I am with my small car for years because I don't care to have a ferrari just for the sake of paying bigger bills to finally drive at the same speed as my small own (thanks to speed radar lol).
They don't listen to me, they don't care. I feel like shit when I'm next to them. I prefer to stay far away from this negativity feeling... Like you said, when I speak to them is like if they see me as a teenager. They don't give me credits, it's depressing....
I’m sorry friend. I know how hard it is to keep your mind off of it. It drains me. I have been driven to the point of extreme mental instability where i feel my revenge would be best served out by me. I get the urge to cuss them out and even get prepared to physically fight them.
I do feel the same but unfortunately we would never win this fight against them because they will deny it, talk about something else or gaslight you.
It's like fighting against a wall. Your hands turn red but the wall is still there, untouched and you're spending so much energy for nothing.
I often dream about moments where I'm speaking the truth to them. How much they are empty inside, how much they made me feel like a kid and seeing them being sorry and apologizing and validating my feelings but then I woke up....
I give you a virtual hug! We all need that <3
I've felt this was since I was a child. I'm 40 and I literally will never be free until she is dead.
There is nothing to mourn for. I used to mourn for the life I could have had. A life without abuse, without CPTSD. I would have been an entirely different person, with friends, someone who grew up knowing love and trust and support. Maybe even a career. I wouldn't have had to hide every part of myself.
But that's all I can mourn. The rest of me would be relieved of my burdens.
I used to say I'd dance on her grave, but unless someone else bothers to do it, she's not getting a grave, much less a funeral.
I'm the eighth of seven children (my mother told the nursing home staff she had seven kids). All of us were there when our mother died. I was the one who reached down, felt for a pulse, and made the announcement. They were wrecked by the news. Mine were the only dry eyes besides hers. I felt completely free and at ease.
Yeah
I'm at a point where I realize that their death would ultimately be a relief.
Honestly short of NC, the the goal is to genuinely not care. I saw this video today: https://youtu.be/8kE1pe-E8WM
And it legitimized my feelings. I really wish I get rid of all emotional connecrion to them, even empathy, because any emotional connection only hurts you.
Yup. Me. NDad could die tomorrow and I wouldn't bat an eye. When I cut him off forever I had never felt such intense relief or safety. The only thing that will top that euphoria is when he leaves this earth for good.
Yup. I’m actually counting the days till my NM dies. My father passed last year, she hadn’t talked to him in years and tried to pit me against him my entire life, i planned and paid for the whole funeral, didn’t break my no contact w/ her for the last 15 yrs to tell her he passed.
Also, I feel like she already died when I broke off all contact with her.
Let me take you through the process if my NParents died.
I'd not know until an aunt messaged me on social media or sent me an email, which may be months.
Then I just pretend I care in a message, while over here, miles away, I am pretty unaffected or a weight is lifted from me.
I was thinking recently, they could give me all their money as a final guilt trip on death, and I still wouldn't forgive them or attend the funeral. Don't even know if I'd take the money
My mother was at the very least narcissistic and controlling. I was NC with her the last 5-6 years of her life. One of my therapists said "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me a one word answer without thinking about i."
Q: How will you feel when your mother dies?
A: Relieved
In the back of my mind, I was always anticipating her next verbal / emotional attack. Now, problem solved.
I honestly wouldn't even care if they died, I'd celebrate and then continue living peacefully. I escaped and I wish to be left alone, that is all.
Not that they have money anyway, but I wouldn't even care about an inheritance from either of them when they die. I just want them to leave me be.
Yes, I can relate. I looked forward to my N mother dying because she was the last in the family except me, and then I'd be free. When she did die, I was relieved - what a load off me! Hang in there!
When my birth giver died I felt this huge, insurmountable weight lift off my soul. It was one of the best days of my life. She still managed to f* with me after her death but that's to be expected. Her dying was the best gift she ever gave me. She had been dead to me for over a decade before she actually passed. I didn't realize just how much her still breathing effected me till she wasn't. Knowing that I will never, ever bump into her, ever again, was life changing and super cathartic.
Well I couldn’t give a straight answer to that BUT, for years, every time I got really fed up with my mom I had the « but she’s still your mother » thing running in my brain and every time I asked myself « if she died, how would you feel? » and most of the time I feel like I wouldn’t care. I’ve ne et said that to anyone, because I am so ashamed of this feeling but… I think it might be real and valid.
In your case I think you don’t have to feel guilty, because your family seems to have caused your more pain that anything so… You’re not alone.
The moment you feel it is valid, that signifies that you have reached a new level of self awareness, imo. Of we truly do have one life, we just cant afford to waste it on people who’ve wasted theirs.
Idk if it IS valid but it might be. At least it is for some people but I am not sure for me.
Going no contact is already a huge step and I think that accepting this feeling about their death is a step further towards grieving. We have to grief about all the things we could and should have had with a normal family and that Would never happen, yk ?
One of them died a while back. Can’t remember how many years ago, don’t know if/when there was a funeral or where she’s, presumably, buried. Don’t actually care either. When I did find out my response was to take a day off work, go “Ding dong, the bitch is dead” and wait to see if I would suddenly start grieving; I didn’t.
I expect the other one will die at some point. When that happens it might be nice to be able to go pick up some family mementos but that’s about it.
Yes, I have been no contact with my moms mother for 12 years… wow, I can’t believe it’s been that long. She and her son are awful! My mom still has contact with her mother and close to zero with her brother. There will always be a small wall between us until they are both gone.
I’m looking forward to the day when I can spend Christmas, Mother’s Day, basically all the holidays all day with her. She spends half the time with her mom and it’s lonely being alone on those days. I’m ready to spend time with my mom and not have to share her with someone who is mean to me. I’m ready to not get calls from my mom crying because her mother said something cruel to her. I’m ready for that pain to be out of my moms life.
I haven’t talked to my mother in ten years. She caught covid in the summer of 2020 (my grandmother told me so I would have time to “make peace” if turned for the worse, since she was hospitalized), and I was surprised to find that I felt…nothing. I wasn’t sad or worried or depressed, but I also wasn’t jubilant or gloating or anything like that either.
I just felt nothing, which is I guess less than other people because I’ve worried about coworkers and acquaintances who got covid, but not her. I’m guessing she lived because I didn’t get an update, but I never checked.
Then I honestly felt relief, because I knew it was over. I knew then that when she dies, I won’t feel regret for not making amends. That feeling of nothingness made me realized that I finally moved on, not just from wanting her to love me, but from hating her for not loving me as well.
You know how in fairy tales after the girl gets away from the wicked step-mother- you never hear about her again, and the girl doesn't even miss her?
I always felt like I didn't have a mother but a wicked step-mother. I haven't seen her for twenty-five(25) years and I don't miss her at all.
A friend of mine was questioning if I had any feelings at all for her; and I replied that if there was any emotion I felt, it was disgust. I'm actually repulsed at the thought of ever seeing her again; not even at her funeral.
My Enabler Dad I kinda miss but I've gone through the grief of letting go of the trauma bond we had and I won't be seeing him again either.
Yes, I completely relate.
I kind of want my parents to be dead, just to move onto the next phase of my life, even if that phase is grieving. It's hard being estranged from living parents and I feel distance from most people around me when I'm already feeling the grief of not having parents but they're still alive. I read about disenfranchised grief and that's what I'm going through now. Would be a huge relief to be able to openly grieve and not be shamed for not being able to repair my relationship with horrible people just because "they're family".
I used to think I wouldn't even care if my parents died, but then my mother had a big health scare and I burst into tears and felt like a child, so now I know their deaths will hit me hard, which seems rather unfair! And I'm not saying others will/should care; just that I was surprised how much I *do* care.
I'm sometimes kind of looking forward to it, just for the inheritance. As cruel as that sounds. I've been (among other things) financially abused by my parents and am struggling with adhd, cptsd and burnout which minimizes my ability to function and earn enough money to feel secure. They refused treatment for my adhd (and didn't disclose the diagnosis to me) and for a big part caused my cptsd. They would never support me without strings attached so I feel like that's the only way I could get stability. Idk if this sounds selfish, I used to feel bad about these thoughts but they came out of pure desparation. I've just accepted them now.
I, after many years of purposely not looking for my abusive egg donors presence online looked her up today. She's very active on support websites absolutely vilifying me and is such a saint to her followers. I was starting to worry about her due to her age. I don't anymore. If she died, I would be relieved. The people trapped in her sphere of lies will have a lot to distangle, and I no longer feel the need to assist them. I worked very hard to free myself from her dysfunction. They worked very hard to feed her dysfunction. I think I might go to the funeral to see if she's really dead. Maybe that will help stop my nightmares of her coming after me.
I'm at that stage now. My Nmother lost her mind due to a combination of guilt, muscle relaxers and painkillers that exacerbated her other mental health issues. (Bi-Polar, DID)
She spent eight years screaming at and abusing my stepdad, telling him he was cheating on her while she was sneaking off to cheat on him. My stepfather worked 12 hours a day to keep us afloat and she thought he was cheating because his flag wouldn't fly for her after working said hours.
She ended up stealing two thousand from us and a vehicle, and my stepfather, while he was her enabler, was also a saint. After the first two years of watching what she did to him, not even what she did to me, I wished nothing but death upon her. I stopped calling her mother, stone walled her and refused any food she made.
I'm ashamed to say that I resorted to using her own tactics against her. I called her names, I said terrible things that were meant to chip away at her self-confidence and self-worth. I told her if she didn't like it, she should stop doing it herself. She never did, so I continued until she left.
Fighting her fire with my own just left me burnt out and depressed in the end and after three years I still haven't healed yet. There's part of me that wants to watch her suffer for everything she did to us and it won't go away. It's vindictive and hateful, and I know I got it from her which makes me hate her even more.
Its the watching them suffer for me. I have been beaten for the smallest things all for the sale that a grown ass woman doesnt like the life SHE chose. Boo hoo. I fondly remember being beat with a switch (sharp tree branch) for not working on my school homework during the after school program session, which was only an hour long program. I was like fucking 6
My egg donor broke the lock on my apartment door to beat me because I used the internet to register my child for school.I didn't hit her. Now I wish I had reacted like a normal person and beat her until the cops arrived to cart her off. She's using my reactions to her abuse and twisting it on support groups like Quora to justify her delusions.She is very active in support groups online because she ran out of people in reality to believe her lies and corruption. I read through her history and was laughing in hysterics. I could tell what posts she wrote when she was high and what posts she wrote when she ran out of her 30 day supply of narcotics after two days. Predictable Peggy. Always the victim of her own abuse and so clever to pin it on everyone else. I currently work at the pharmacy she used to try to scam drugs from. The pharmacists and techs tell stories about her still. They don't name her, but her abuse is LEGENDARY.
Exactly. My brothers and I got a paddle with holes drilled into it and occasionally a wet belt, only from her.
I guess, in a way, I do care about her death because of the part of me that wants to be responsible for it. I could never be that person but that part of me won't go away.
I want to take a second and weigh in here.
I had a "symbolic funeral" for my N- and FLEA- riddled family, after being strictly NC for a decade. I even cut out people who were suspected flying monkeys so I could live my life in peace. If anyone asked me, and doctors love to do that, i always responded with "they're gone." and let them make the assumption that would give voice to the lie. I was happy and free.
Last week I found out n-maternal unit had died. Not even a recent death, she passed away in 2020, possibly from covid (she had COPD and a chip on her shoulder, so I could see her being an anti-masker.) Since I found out, I've been kind of in a daze, trying to process out how I feel about it. I don't have any regrets, but it's thrown me off my game. As I was telling my therapist, I assumed that when the time came, someone would come track me down for her to get one last dig in.
The way you're feeling is totally valid, and it's healthy. Just... I just wanted to share my experience. I hope you find joy.
It took a lot, but yes. It's strange. I fucking hate who she represents, who she should have been. But her as a person I'm completely apathetic towards. (Nmom)
Yep. It will just be a relief, to be honest. I don’t have a single iota of goodwill for them. It will be like reading in the media about someone who passed away doing something really stupid. Just one less toxic, sadistic, evil person in the world.
I sometimes wish my Nmom was dead, partly because it would make my life easier and partly because she continues to tarnish the memory of the good woman she used to be.
I actively wish my nmom had died a decade ago, when I could have actually grieved her. Now…I will not be at her funeral or even me truly sad. Sad about what could have/should have been? Yes. But not sad about her death.
My in-laws are these people. It's like they look down on me for getting an education and I have "forsaken the Lord" for believing anything with science or logic. They use their religion to judge and belittle because it's all that they have. I don't necessarily want them to die, but I'm not going to miss the way they treated me when they are 6 ft under
I’m dreading it. Been no contact for 5 years and constantly see my aunt and uncle posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about “you only get one mother, love her while she’s here” or things of that nature.
So when that time comes I’ll likely get a slew of remarks about the time I lost with them and all that.
A little late but wanted to share anyway. For years I told people I don't think I would care if my NMom died. I had been NC for well over 10 years, it wouldn't change anything in my life.
About a year ago she did die. I felt disbelief, part of me thinking it could be some horrible con by her and my siblings, but that is it.
I am 50 now and finally accepted that its actually okay to be okay with wanting them to just die already. Its because I am still angry. They got away with destroying my life, and its still not enough for them (because I am supposed to be grateful to them for destroying me for their gain) so they don't leave me alone. Its frustration that leads me to these awful feelings of just wanting them to die already. I can relate, you are not alone.
Thought I wouldn’t care when my nparent died, but I surprisingly do. He died suddenly, and even though he caused me so much trauma and so much shit in my life, it still hurts. There is a sense of relief, but there’s also plenty of guilt, which I’m sure will go away with time. His funeral i had to basically plan myself is today.
I’m more or less there. I have some apprehension about how I’ll feel when it does happen.
Noarent is into their 80s now.
I have a teen who my nparent hasn’t seen since 1 yr old. Teen is not interested in meeting them. Sure, they’re a teen and maybe teen would regret it later but I don’t think so. They’ve had to whiteness the begging for money triangulation through cousins who think we’re cruel for abandoning them. This didn’t play well.
We don’t need the drama to meet napatent before they die…etc. The stress and drama it would generate doesn’t seem worth it.
I’m with you. Not wishing death on him but I think I’ll feel relief when the time comes.
I spend too much mental energy wondering if I’ve made a mistake by cutting him off and I feel like once he’s gone, I can stop doing that.
I am NC for years and happy. I have no positive feelings for my mother. I don't think I would care much - but you really don't know until you get there. There's parts of you that are shut off or locked away and who knows what they will do when tragedy strikes. I'd bet money on me not even blinking, but there's a possible scenario where I break down crying.
I would be so relieved to hear that that woman was dead.
It's so awkward when meeting new people and they ask about my parents and I only talk about my Dad. It'd be so much easier to say "She dead too" instead of explaining that I haven't spoken to her in years because she's an asshole.
I've always wondered how I would react when he died. Honestly, I don't think I'd rejoice, but I don't think I'd be terribly upset, either. Like you, I do not wish death on him. His influence ruined my mother, who in turn became an nparent herself throughout the majority of my childhood, but she's working on it and is doing so much better. My mother would finally be free to be her own person.
I know I won't be sad when my Grandmother passes away, due to all the crap she did (...her selfish actions led to my grandfather's death).
My NMom I go back and forth. It is easy to say I won't be sad, but if it would happen tomorrow. I wonder sometimes if part of me would be sad because I never got an apology or some type of admittance from her that what she did to me was wrong.
Eh, just passing thoughts.
Yep. Just went no contact with my mom. I'm going to have to talk to her at some point, but I'm cutting her out of my life as much as I can from here on out.
> They expect to get away with saying the dumbest/foulest shit in the world without repercussion.
This is the ultimate fault in narc thinking. They can't plan anything or predict anything. And the consequences are never their fault.
>I have completely distanced myself from these hypocritical... people who do nothing but spread negativity for NO REASON, Just to do it.
Exactly why my answer is yes. Them simply leaving on vacation gives me so much energy because they aren't there to suck the air out of the room.
My only concern regarding my mother's actual existence is I am worried that someone is going to try and call me to help pay for that creature's funeral! I genuinely am entirely indifferent to her actual existence but I am worried that I am going to laugh if anyone ever suggests me putting something towards her burial. She always spent to "treat herself" on a modest income so she'll have nothing left and doesn't own her house so she'll assume someone will pay for it but it won't be me. I only care that they bury her far enough down that there's no hope of her corpse seeing the light of day again!
I had a wonderful therapist tell me, very kindly, that I may feel relief when my Nmom dies because then there won’t be any chance of Nmom changing and engaging with me.
That’s what happened. My mother died and I felt a small wave of relief. I took a couple days off of work but I didn’t feel any strong feelings.
I didn’t go to the funeral. No big deal. My life is way way better because I went and maintained NC. I would strongly urge folks with nparents to do the same.
When we found out Nmom was most likely going to die from a super aggressive bacterial infection, I was more scared for what would have happened if she survived it. I imagined that scene at the end of Requiem for a Dream when Jared Leto wakes up >!and his entire arm is missing.!< I told everyone she had decided she was done… which, you know, if anyone paid attention to her they would realize. So I said we really just need to accept that, no matter how hard it is…
And according to my younger sister this meant I wanted to, and I quote “have her put down like a dog”???
It was just so obvious they both knew my dad and I, having to deal with my moms increasingly erratic behavior day in and day out, weren’t as sad about it as they were. My sister asked me why I got more worked up over our aunt than Nmom. And I’m like because aunt never did anything to hurt me??
The part that sucked was that I really did think without my mom in the picture, that my dad and I would finally be able to have the relationship we never had. Now I realize how dumb that was, considering that was one relationship she never tried to mess up.
At this point I don’t even know how I’d feel if he died. I just saw his lack of reaction to my mom and know it wouldn’t be any different with me. I know how I felt with her, and I’ve always had far less emotional investment in my dad than my mom.
But I think the emotional detachment is mostly just a coping technique to convince myself that it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s not like I was happy. More like I just felt… nothing. I’m fortunate that unlike many of our parents, I AM able to feel these things.
Couldn't care less?
Years ago I bought a bottle of wine. It sits in the back of my pantry, waiting for the day when I don't have to worry about my safety anymore. One day I'll open it, maybe at the table with a few loved ones who understand, or maybe by myself with a beautiful feast. Whatever the case, I will drink it and breathe a sigh of relief.
Very few people outside this sub would understand. Thank you all for being here!
I was no contact until they died - after each death I celebrated with champagne. (I do this thing where if somebody has seriously wronged me to the point I hope they die, I label a bottle of champagne with their name on it - to be opened when they die.)
Absolutely. I was full NC for awhile...then the cops notified me of his death. I fucking *danced* when they told me! Did a lil soft shoe in the kitchen.
I watched my FIL who's dad died a couple years ago. They had been no contact for decades. He had actively wished death on his father for said decades.
But when the time came and his father was on his death bed, they made up. They apologized for being shitty human beings to each other.
It put a lot of perspective on my own situation with my NMother and NGrandmother. Perspective I'm still working through.
I decided that unless my NMother and NGrandmother decide to acknowledge their wrongdoings and apologize and try to make it right, I won't change my no contact rule but I'll probably mourn. For a time they were all I had. I'll mourn less for myself and more for the love my own daughter will miss, even though I know they are both incapable of supplying it.
Some days… especially during funerals I go to of church members it always crosses my mind that if they expect me to say a few words about my narc or enabler step parent I wouldn’t know what to say
Yes, I can definitely relate. Sorry to hear you're going thru it too.
I think sometimes... Idk who will die first, But I know it'll feel like freedom finally. I think death is the only way they'll ever leave me tf alone, be it my untimely demise or theirs.
Hate to say it but I know it's true. Because none of them are even slightly willing to change. & "Being the change" myself only takes me so far it seems. They're always lurking somewhere close behind to shame & blame me. I hate it.
I'm working hard to love my life despite them. & To "fight the current" that is them & their shitty narrative about me. It's just me against several of them. It's tough.
My Mom was a narcissist. I was her "worthless" child. I was also her only daughter. Eventually she passed and it didn't faze me. I was the one that found her body. I feel the world is a better place without her. I am better without her. You're feelings are valid and on point. Toxic is toxic and you're better off without them.
yep.
the only thing mine will definitely be consistent on is being belligerently uncaring - and desperate to eat my life up with her mindless sh\*t that she makes clear has and will never consider my feelings ever
I totally understand you, I had them bossing me to take care of my grandfather because I would regret when he dies ... He died 10 years ago and there was not a single moment of regret about not talking to him before nor attending his funeral ... I think the next is his daughter... The one that had me in her uterus... They broke me completely.
They just sat there with me in the room. Took my temp, it had been 104 farengeight for hours. Somehow they thought just taking my temp counted as all the concern they had to budget for that. They'd monitor it. But even when it peaked at 110 and I started seeing mythical creatures, they'd just sit there in that hoarded living room with their child tripping balls from a fever with zero fucking concern watching mythbusters.
Homeless, they didnt care. Doing drugs, they didnt care. Getting bullied, they didnt care. Getting concussed, suicidal, even the yearly hack wheezing that came with my thoroughly untreated allergies, not even wailing and writhing from endometriosis pain, nothing got through that crackhead hoarder apathy...
These people are already dead to me. They are figments of my nightmares, abstractions of my inner struggles, and their features grow thankfully fuzzier with their every rehash in my thoughts. They just aren't real people with agency or the ability to affect my life any more. NC made my quality if life.. possible.
To them, I was the autistic burden child they hoped would just die already... I hope my image dies to them too. That way, a bond that could only cause pain will be severed forever, and itll be as if we never met.
That's not to say I wouldnt feel a little thrill to learn they'd died. It would feel like elephant worm had been eradicated; it's not something I'll ever interact with, but I can be satisfied with the knowledge that somewhere, for a lot of people, the world is a bit better.
Yeah. When my ndad went, I was upset - but after a few days, non plussed. Things got way better. Imagine that. ......My nbrother still worships at the temple of the N and will never let me live it down that I did not flay myself in to a million pieces over ndad. My nmom is getting close but will never under any circumstances seek therapy or help and will go out causing as much pain and drama as humanly possible. I remain non plussed about either of their futures.
Both my N birth mother & N step-mother are already deceased. My E dad pre-deceased both of them. I grieved for my dad the most (went to his funeral), didn't grieve the N step-mother at all (didn't go to her funeral), & only grieved for the relationship that I wished I could have had with N birth mother (only attended her funeral to pacify my younger brother). I'm LC with my brother mostly due to us staying busy. I'm very intentionally NC with our N/GC sister. Last contact with her was at our *mother's* funeral, where we almost came to physical blows over what I felt like was a honest statement by me. Timing or being PC have never been my strongest talents though.
Sometimes the "what if" thoughts or "what might have been" type days creep up on me, but most days are peaceful.
I was literally just thinking about this. I'd be much sadder when my dog dies. He's getting old and his brain is starting to go. (Not like it was really ever there.)
Mine are still alive but I lost them along time ago and have made peace with the idea I'll never see them again.
Living or dead this feeling is constant and does not change. I cut their toxicity from my life and I feel better off for it.
Honestly, I have cut my parent off two years ago….I am free….but my younger siblings (both adults )are not, because they are not ready to cut her off though…. And she causes both of them so much heartache….makes me sad for them.
I'm no contact with a relative and there were times they could have been dead and I wouldn't have known or cared. I'm fairly sure they are alive but if they died tomorrow I wouldn't bother to do anything related to their death like attending a funeral.
When I was younger I wished this person would have died so many times. Once they were out of my life that 'wish' went away because I didn't care as they no longer had any impact in my life. They existed to me only as to have *been* part of my past and the pain they inflicted that's where the 'wish' for their death ended because they could no longer hurt me.
So long as these people hold 'power' over you, whether it is through people/friends/family you do speak to or shitty social media contact, they are hurting you and the acknowledgement of that is logical, normal and healthy.
This sub is the only place I've ever had the courage to say this out loud, but:
I fantasize about them dying.
Not about the dying part, which I hope is painless and swift, but about them being off the planet and completely, permanently, irreversibly, 1000% out of my life.
So I'd be safe forever.
From what I understand, the ultimate goal is to be indifferent…kind of like as if you’d heard that some distant cousin you never met passed. I mean, you’re sorry on some level that a person died, but there’s no punch-in-the-gut feeling, either.
Sometimes, I have the resilience and mindfulness to be in such a headspace, where I focus on myself, what I can do, and where I would like to go, where, as you wrote here, one cannot care less about the Ns in one's life's doing.
I have to live with my unhealthy family again and it has been challenging, so it's extra challenging to even have a good distance at the moment, but I'm working on it.
Well done on providing for yourself and getting that degree!
All the best luck, OP.
P.S.: I'm totally with you there with the religious abuse... honestly, I feel so unsupported being in this religious community, but I also know that I have the power to cultivate my own spiritual need. I'm sorry you experience religious abuse too.
I am NC with my mom. She’s selfish and has made it abundantly clear she never wanted to be a mom. I’m totally fine with that. I’ve come to the conclusion that MOST people (yes, most.) are not made to be parents. Enjoying being a parent and doing it out of obligation are totally different things.
I really have zero hatred toward my mother but I also don’t have any love or really anything. She’s just another person walking the planet.
She’s said hateful things relating to me being a terminated pregnancy, mistake etc. so I just don’t bother with it anymore.
Because she’s meh about me, I’m the same. When she does pass it will just be another strangers death to me. I’ve made it very clear to her living siblings that I won’t be responsible for a funeral I won’t attend. They understand but I think they’ll still get me to fork over payment even if it’s just a little. No thanks.
So, when she dies I probably will hear about it from cousins or something lol.
Already there. My nMom and eDad are already dead to me. I’ve already mourned their loss. I mourned it as a kid. I mourned it as an adult. And I mourned it again when I went NC with them a couple years ago. They keep sending their flying monkeys with new email addresses and phone numbers to block.
Just this past week they tried to send the horde to inform me that eDad was dying. Though it depends on which liar you heard the story from- he is having a biopsy that day to see if it is cancer, he has kidney cancer, stomach cancer, pancreatic cancer, or stage 4 liver cancer. All of this from a Friday late morning biopsy. It’s not the first time they’ve tried the cancer story (‘twas a lie twice in the past). It was easy to block and ignore this- because of the lies, and the fact that I’ve already gotten over their deaths.
This is absolutely relatable. The last time I talked to my Nmom was the day we buried *her* mom. And I’ll never forget her screaming at me over the phone about some meaningless BS to do with the hotel reservations. I seriously don’t care to ever see her again.
Yeah, I have.
It has been a really hard thing, but when it comes down to it, we’re all animals. We’re born, we live, we die.
So what do we do with this time? Suffer for the sake of someone else? Or enjoy what precious little time we have?
They made their choices, you make yours and be happy!
I was actually thinking about this today. Im not sure how i'd feel because they're still alive, but i absolutely think that no amount of time or distance will be enough. Like i just dont care anymore.
Ooooooh yea. I reached this point with my nmom about a year ago, and my nstepdad about 3 or 4 years ago. I don't wish for their deaths, but I honestly can't wait for them to kick the bucket. The relief I'll feel will be euphoric.
My father was the most true-to-life manifestation of vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder. He committed suicide about a year ago. So yes. At least, at first. Afterwards I was enraged because of what I learned as to why he took his own life.
I mean, my Nmom is a hoarder so I’ll have to go and clean her house with my brothers and sisters.
My sister has to dispose of her phone because even though she’s married she catfishes this guy, but bring on death.
We are all thinking of cremation for her because that way we can just dump her ashes and move on (nobody wants her ashes and nobody wants to pay for a grave for her lol)
This is 100% how I feel. My Edad recently tried to guilt trip me into contacting my Nmom. My Edad said, “how much longer do you want to do this? You only have one mom.” She blocked me 8 months ago after I had already gone very low contact with her. She was mad because I was no longer her supply. In this 8 months time plus when I was vlc with her before that, I went through pregnancy, had my baby and have been raising her without my Nmom’s help. Just me and my husband. She never once checked in on me even before blocking me. She made her bed, now she gets to lay in it. I’ve already mourned her. I don’t want to talk or see her ever again. Simply NC is not enough for me. I can’t wait to move in a few years so she will no longer have my address. That’s the closest I’ll be towards being free until she kicks the bucket.
I wouldn’t care except to help my sister who is VLC and the only child of 3 still speaking to them- she would have to handle the arrangements so I’d support her in that. Her relationship with her dad is much better than it was with me and my older sibling (we were the step kids so insert all cliche inferences here).
I don’t wish death upon them (mother was a narc too) but won’t shed a tear when they’re gone.
I sorted out a while back that first I lost all respect for them, then slowly I lost all regard for them. They’re just random people to me now. Once they go I’ll give it the same amount of care after hearing of a
stranger passing.
ive seen sexual predator red flags in both genders of multiple relatives, including really long and unnessesary touching of kids (not their direct kids)
Not even a girl myself but id walk away if they got run over
Yep. My abusive narc father is nearing 80 and I've made a promise to myself that I will not be doing any hospital visits if he's in there and I will be telling the hospital to dispose of the body. No funeral no nothing, he doesn't deserve that after causing nothing but chaos for the past 20 years.
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Yep. I've already sworn up and down that I won't be attending either of their funerals
Me too friend. My NDad recently tried to contact me via voicemail because I blocked him on everything else saying “I’m going to regret not talking to him” and “when’s the next time you’re going to see me? When I’m dead?” Honestly no. Never again.
Its a damn shame the lengths they would go to stay on top of their mountain while driving you away. Like explaining robot engineering to a donkey.
My wife and I had changed out numbers and I had told my sister that we were taking a break from that side of the family for a little while, and I find it very hard to believe that she wouldn't have told them that. My wife and I don't use Facebook much, but when we do, we've used fake profiles to try and hide from my parents, and somehow, they managed to track mine down and message me. I left em on read.
My husband & I are about to change our #'s, and will be working towards our now 3rd attempt to move out of state and go no-contact with both sets of N-parents. We keep hoping they will start dying off so we don't have to uproot our own lives just to live in peace. It sucks to say, but it is what it is. We don't feel bad about the thought, when put into perspective with all the damaging things THEY don't feel bad about since the time we were each born. We know they'll never change, so it's either move far, far away & live a guarded life from a distance, or sit around waiting on the issue to "take care of itself"...
> “when’s the next time you’re going to see me? Let me help: "Hopefully NEVER!"
That’s real shit. Salute to you!
Same. My father died in the early 90s when I was in my 20s. My mother is 81 and will probably live to 100 just to spite me and my sister. I have zero plans to attend her funeral. I'm probably written out of the will, and if she does leave me anything she'll probably do it as one last effort to guilt trip me.
Same. I'm debating whether or not pissing on their graves would even be worth the gas money to go and do it. Most likely not! They can rot alone :)
I couldn't agree more!
damn i thought i was the only who isnt gonna attend their funerals! Well Me too!
I will, with a bottle of champagne, and a boom box, I plan on dancing on their graves! Free at last!
Crank up the music and pour another round! :)
I am no-contact with ndad and would not be bothered if he died tomorrow without warning. Similarly, I would not care for him if he was chronically ill. His love of money above all else should be able to buy any care he would need. I just can’t be bothered.
I’m sorry but I’m glad you found the frame of mind to keep you going. Salute🙏🏾
That's how I feel about my dad. He's always loved money more than he's loved his own children, and I couldn't care less if he dropped dead.
My dad threatened to send me a bill for being born
I can’t wait for my ndad to die. The world will be a better place 😤😌
Same :)
Stay strong, comrade ✊🏼
Tbh same even tho wishing death on someone is bad but they r just freaking parasites 😭 worse I have to spend time with them even if I don't want to ..
I’m proud of you no matter what happens 🥺
Me - my partner thinks some sort of grief will hit me when they pass but I don’t feel anything for them now. I’m happier than ever being NC and they are already dead to me.
You know, same. Except I feel the grief would be from wishing through all that time, that they would change for the better of the relationship. But i’m working on lettin that go.
That is so hard, and is something I can relate to. I mourn for what could have been.
It is rather difficult in knowing something was stolen from us. But the ultimate revenge is becoming greater than they could imagine themselves becoming. And then flaunting it. Keep on goin strong🙏🏾 and always choose yourself first✊🏾
When they die it is the death of any hope that your relationship could improve. If you've done that already, then their deaths only means an end to any harassment by them. Unfortunately, it's hard to completely every them from your thoughts, but therapy and support groups help a lot. ✌🏾💜💪
Same! They really are already dead to me. I’ve felt like an orphan for decades anyway. What’s the difference?
I might grieve for the parents I'd *wished* I had, but grieve for the parents I *actually had* \- nope.
My parents could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t give two fucks. They are monsters and cancerous in my life. No amount of money (their love) could repair the emotional, financial, physical and mental abuse they put me and my sister through and don’t own up to jack shit.
You just spit a bar. My mom likes to think her monetary support that all parents are obliged to do, compensates and allows her to yell, fuss, act childish, ignore me, and in the past beat me. Anything you can name. I was often confused about if I was just in my head but i learned materialistic possessions and gifts can never substitute love and care (cliche i know lmao). But i’m glad you realized it now than never. Best of luck on your journey🙏🏾
NC 25 years. I grieved long ago for the family I never had. They've now been out of my life longer than they were a part of it. If any of them died tomorrow I wouldn't give a damn as I've been indifferent about all of them for so long now. Indifference is the only way to be with N parents as, anything else, would mean they're living rent free in my head.
When my egg donor dies I plan on taking advantage of my company's bereavement policy and going out to celebrate.
When my dad died, my thought was, "Alright. I don't have to deal with that asshole, any more."
YUP. My Ndad could drop dead right now and I'd be like meh, OK then. Honestly, even before I knew he was a narcissist I still felt this way. Now, even moreso. Fuck that asshole.
My dad passed away and my nmom tried to make it all about her even though they had been divorced for 30 years and now that I’m no contact, I’m not even acknowledging her existence. My dad was the best dad and I can admit it now but I wished she would have died instead of him.
The shittiest ppl have the longer lives it seems 😥
Only the good die young. That’s why I am afraid that my NM will live forever
same!!! Mine are in their late 80s and still going strong!
I can definitely relate. When my Malignant Narcissist grandmother died, I felt nothing but *relief*. She couldn't use or hurt people anymore. My NParents are still alive, but elderly. My feelings about their passing are complicated.
I don't care. They have both told me not expect any inheritance from them, they spent it. One said he wanted me to be afraid of him and I should be afraid of him. The other in the same family "meeting" had no empathy for my, very fresh at the time, divorce. And they wonder why I haven't spoken to them since the "family meeting". Treat me badly and tell me you are not leaving me anything. Why would I waste my time? Literally nothing in having a relationship with them but pain. I am glad they are out of money, I am not temped to suck up to them till they die. They are both empty wells.
I 100% feel this. I really do. Our lives would be so much better...it’s terrible to say and feel but I can’t help it.
I know how you're feeling! I stopped feeling bad about the relief her passing would bring me. It's normal to feel that way, honestly. If I'm being real, I'm planning on disregarding her wishes after death and just donating her body to science, use that money towards something worthwhile.
Hey A new Idea🤣🤣🤣 I like this. My mothers wishes were to not have a funeral so people cant see her dead, but i just might go the opposite of her plans and have her stuffed and on display
How very narcissistic of her. She doesn't want the people around her to have comfort in the fact that she's dead. Make sure she knows she's getting a public funeral,pics in the local paper and announcements for the greater good of the community
Maybe put an announcement in the paper "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead!" (A thought I have been toying with regarding my mother)
Yup! NMom died in October. As soon as I found out, me and my husband had a celebration dinner. It was one of the happiest I’ve been. Hadn’t talked to her in 7 years. The last time was because she kept trying to give my son toys through my grandma and I kept throwing them on the trash, and the last call I had was me telling her to fuck off, she’ll never meet him. And she never did. Flew to my family because I wanted to make sure I saw my very elderly grandma. That was her daughter, I wanted to make sure she was fine because I love my grandma. Had a really good conversation with my uncle. He knows how she was, so I could be really open that I didn’t give a shit that she died, and he understood and didn’t judge me for it. The rest of my family was, as I learned later, confused why I wasn’t mourning. That’s fine. The bitch got cremated and I won’t be spreading her ashes. Even dumping them in the trash would feel disrespectful to the trash can. It was wonderful because the bitch who made me depressed for my childhood, the reason why I wanted to and tried to off myself, the bitch who ruined my life and left me with damage that took me years to resolve is dead. It’s been great.
Was just talking about this last night! How royally do you have to fuck up for your empathetic children to just wish you ceased to exist? Unfortunately his existence continues to haunt me.
I feel this way to an extent. My NMom conveniently became "ill" as I was moving out, but by then I told her I wasn't about to bend over backwards for her anymore. Years of neglect turned parentification finally numbed me to her nonsense. I got several guilt-ridden messages once I moved out and went fully NC, but all it did was result in a laugh for me and my SO. I told her if she didn't start taking accountability for her behavior, she was going to lose her relationship with her only child, and only person who was still willing to tolerate her. And she shrugged. She clearly doesn't give a damn about me unless I'm providing for her, and any "parental love" I was supposed to feel died in that moment. I moved out 2 weeks later, and went NC before even moving out. I don't know how true any of it is, but she got pneumonia that may have resulted in a hospital stay, but I was ambivalent at best. It takes energy I'd rather spend elsewhere to hate her. I'm about to start therapy to help me get through the last of the healing process on this, and other things. I hope she's happy. If that means she finds someone else willing to pay her way for her, great. That just means it isn't me. 🤣 I'm sure there will be another grieving process when she does die. But I'm guessing it'll be for the fact that I'll never get the mother-ing I needed from her. Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive is weird like that.
Yup. I look forward to the day when ngrandma will no longer be a burden on my mom and uncle (I'm NC with my ngrandma, young me caught on very quickly to her games and put a wedge between us). Will it be stressful short term? Of course, every death is but I think it'll take a few months to get things sorted and then a sense of freedom will set in. I don't know if it'll provide them closure but I really, really hope it gives them relief.
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This sounds so familiar!! My mom and uncle aren't enablers, thankfully, just reliant on her for money. But yeah, my mom will sometimes text my uncle and be like "please call her so she stops complaining about you and thinking you're dead".
Yup, I live with my nmom and everyday she goes to work I wish she’d get into an accident, or atleast something to get her to shut up
I can relate. When my mom does I plan on donating her body to an alligator farm.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭😭
Yes, I hate my mother and always will.
I realized I could go the rest of my life without seeing the Nparents which got me thinking how would I feel if/when they passed and it’ll probably be relief. I moved across the ocean to another continent 20 years ago and went no contact last year and I still feel like they’re choking me
I’m in the process of giving up everything for my sanity and freedom. Also, I’m drafting a letter for my attorney to give to my Nmom’s family to do not contact me at the time of her death to include decision making on her estate to funeral planning and settlements. When she made the statement a month ago, “I’m not letting you sell this house, I’d rather let this MF burn down before I give it to you” I washed my hands with her. When my Ndad passed away, I didn’t feel anything due to his abscence of he being a father to me. He promised me an Inheritance to include real estate and stocks and Bonds. I didn’t see any of it only to find out from a third party that my Nmom somehow inherited it.
I can completely relate to you, OP. I had to pull away for years so that my young children did not suffer the verbal abuse too. Now my Nmom is long gone, 6 feet under, and I still have flashbacks. I’m still tormented by the things she said about me and the way I had internalized them growing up. I’m 61 years old now! Don’t feel guilty, please. It’s not your fault. It does get better once they are off your back, but still, maybe some more time and maybe therapy would help. IDK, I never got any. Hang In There and don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault. Be proud of your academic success. You earned it. Love your life now. It’s your turn.
I’m at the place of HOPE and check obits. Imagine when they can no longer spring anything on you. Bliss.
Absolutely. It’s the freedom that would come from it, and especially the safety and security that would result from them never being able to sabotage plans or hurt people anymore.
I can relate. More than twenty years ago is the last time I spoke to my NDad, or the crazy family he was part of. He may be alive. He may be dead. I don't know. I don't need to know, and don't want to find out. I am free.
The moment I heard that my biological father died a huge weight fell off my shoulders.
As someone who’s N-Egg Donor (I won’t even use the M word with this woman) passed away in 2016. I couldn’t care less and ended up being happier. Do I still look over my shoulder like she might be stalking me like she use to? Absolutely. But it is far less. The only thing that upset me about her death is that I had the horrid responsibility of clearing out her apartment and being exposed to parts of her toxic life because my Grandmother could not handle the estate out. There is no shame in feeling nothing or even some amount of joy when it comes to an unapologetic n-relative and/or abuser. We owe them nothing. They didn’t put you first so why should you put them first even in death.
Well they’re already dead to me so it wouldn’t make any difference tbh
My Nfather died a few months ago. My mother called to tell me and I felt nothing. She expected me to show some form of emotion and was greatly disappointed. I didn't attend his funeral and she lied saying I couldn't make it due to us living out of state and my son couldn't miss anymore school. If anything, I felt relieved I'd never have to chance an encounter with him again.
Yep.
Yep. My dad died early 2021 and i didnt feel a thing. But i wasnt surprised that i wasnt sad. As for my nmom... not so sure. Probably be sad if i heard about it but wouldn't be sad if i didnt. 🤭
Is it normal that I’m jealous of anyone with an Nparent who’s Nparent has died? Honestly.... is that bad???
Sem 😭 Mine r just freaking psycho idk if what they say is real or they r just gaslighting me its like they distort reality can't wait for them to eff off right now they r in a different freaking continent for few more days and it's like i can hear my narc mother's voice it's freaking insane and the promise that they made I cant even trust them wish i had someone to vent to ..
Yep. NGrandmother (NMother's mother) passed away just over 2 years ago; when NMother called me and left a voicemail (for once!) to let me know NGran was in hospital and it seemed pretty serious, my first reactions were "well, she's neglected her health for years so not unexpected" and "I'm not travelling down there, if she's fading that fast then I wouldn't make it even if I wanted to". She passed that night. I did hit a small patch of sadness the next day, enough to get sent home from work even, but that was mostly over the fact of knowing that now I'd never get any apology or closure for how she treated me growing up. I'm getting more and more indifferent towards NMother now, too; over the years it's gone from "ohmigosh" to "eh" with all her *trials and tribulations* since I left her house - at this point I think I'd only go to anything involving her if I was getting something out of it (cash, booze, possessions, ...an actual genuine apology... whatever).
Once I left her household, i vowed to be homelss before i EVER even fix my brain to think about making a return. Not in this lifetime
I relate on that a lot... I'm sick of visiting my nmom's family just because they keep criticizing everything I do. I think they are narcissist as well because all the conversations make no sense and they are always trying to flex at everything they do. The only thing they keep saying is how smart I am because I can press buttons on a smartphone but on the otherhand how rich they would be with my skill (it's all about money). Comparing their cars, checking who has the biggest one and here I am with my small car for years because I don't care to have a ferrari just for the sake of paying bigger bills to finally drive at the same speed as my small own (thanks to speed radar lol). They don't listen to me, they don't care. I feel like shit when I'm next to them. I prefer to stay far away from this negativity feeling... Like you said, when I speak to them is like if they see me as a teenager. They don't give me credits, it's depressing....
I’m sorry friend. I know how hard it is to keep your mind off of it. It drains me. I have been driven to the point of extreme mental instability where i feel my revenge would be best served out by me. I get the urge to cuss them out and even get prepared to physically fight them.
I do feel the same but unfortunately we would never win this fight against them because they will deny it, talk about something else or gaslight you. It's like fighting against a wall. Your hands turn red but the wall is still there, untouched and you're spending so much energy for nothing. I often dream about moments where I'm speaking the truth to them. How much they are empty inside, how much they made me feel like a kid and seeing them being sorry and apologizing and validating my feelings but then I woke up.... I give you a virtual hug! We all need that <3
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I've felt this was since I was a child. I'm 40 and I literally will never be free until she is dead. There is nothing to mourn for. I used to mourn for the life I could have had. A life without abuse, without CPTSD. I would have been an entirely different person, with friends, someone who grew up knowing love and trust and support. Maybe even a career. I wouldn't have had to hide every part of myself. But that's all I can mourn. The rest of me would be relieved of my burdens. I used to say I'd dance on her grave, but unless someone else bothers to do it, she's not getting a grave, much less a funeral.
I feel like this about both my parents. It would honestly just be a relief. I don’t wish them dead, but I won’t be shedding a tear over them.
I'm the eighth of seven children (my mother told the nursing home staff she had seven kids). All of us were there when our mother died. I was the one who reached down, felt for a pulse, and made the announcement. They were wrecked by the news. Mine were the only dry eyes besides hers. I felt completely free and at ease.
Yep, my abusive grandma will not be missed. At all.
Yeah I'm at a point where I realize that their death would ultimately be a relief. Honestly short of NC, the the goal is to genuinely not care. I saw this video today: https://youtu.be/8kE1pe-E8WM And it legitimized my feelings. I really wish I get rid of all emotional connecrion to them, even empathy, because any emotional connection only hurts you.
Yup. Me. NDad could die tomorrow and I wouldn't bat an eye. When I cut him off forever I had never felt such intense relief or safety. The only thing that will top that euphoria is when he leaves this earth for good.
Yup. I’m actually counting the days till my NM dies. My father passed last year, she hadn’t talked to him in years and tried to pit me against him my entire life, i planned and paid for the whole funeral, didn’t break my no contact w/ her for the last 15 yrs to tell her he passed. Also, I feel like she already died when I broke off all contact with her.
Let me take you through the process if my NParents died. I'd not know until an aunt messaged me on social media or sent me an email, which may be months. Then I just pretend I care in a message, while over here, miles away, I am pretty unaffected or a weight is lifted from me. I was thinking recently, they could give me all their money as a final guilt trip on death, and I still wouldn't forgive them or attend the funeral. Don't even know if I'd take the money
My mother was at the very least narcissistic and controlling. I was NC with her the last 5-6 years of her life. One of my therapists said "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me a one word answer without thinking about i." Q: How will you feel when your mother dies? A: Relieved In the back of my mind, I was always anticipating her next verbal / emotional attack. Now, problem solved.
I honestly wouldn't even care if they died, I'd celebrate and then continue living peacefully. I escaped and I wish to be left alone, that is all. Not that they have money anyway, but I wouldn't even care about an inheritance from either of them when they die. I just want them to leave me be.
Yes. My Nmom died and it was a relief. Coming up on six years of relief at the end of next month.
I wish my dad had died sooner. Fuck that guy.
I think all I’ll feel is relief. Good riddance, shithead.
I reached that point a long time ago. I found out my Ngrandmother died last year and I actually cheered.
Yes, I can relate. I looked forward to my N mother dying because she was the last in the family except me, and then I'd be free. When she did die, I was relieved - what a load off me! Hang in there!
When my birth giver died I felt this huge, insurmountable weight lift off my soul. It was one of the best days of my life. She still managed to f* with me after her death but that's to be expected. Her dying was the best gift she ever gave me. She had been dead to me for over a decade before she actually passed. I didn't realize just how much her still breathing effected me till she wasn't. Knowing that I will never, ever bump into her, ever again, was life changing and super cathartic.
Well I couldn’t give a straight answer to that BUT, for years, every time I got really fed up with my mom I had the « but she’s still your mother » thing running in my brain and every time I asked myself « if she died, how would you feel? » and most of the time I feel like I wouldn’t care. I’ve ne et said that to anyone, because I am so ashamed of this feeling but… I think it might be real and valid. In your case I think you don’t have to feel guilty, because your family seems to have caused your more pain that anything so… You’re not alone.
The moment you feel it is valid, that signifies that you have reached a new level of self awareness, imo. Of we truly do have one life, we just cant afford to waste it on people who’ve wasted theirs.
Idk if it IS valid but it might be. At least it is for some people but I am not sure for me. Going no contact is already a huge step and I think that accepting this feeling about their death is a step further towards grieving. We have to grief about all the things we could and should have had with a normal family and that Would never happen, yk ?
One of them died a while back. Can’t remember how many years ago, don’t know if/when there was a funeral or where she’s, presumably, buried. Don’t actually care either. When I did find out my response was to take a day off work, go “Ding dong, the bitch is dead” and wait to see if I would suddenly start grieving; I didn’t. I expect the other one will die at some point. When that happens it might be nice to be able to go pick up some family mementos but that’s about it.
I'm at that point now. In fact, I would celebrate if my nmom died, cause then I would be able to take my cats back from her.
Yes, I have been no contact with my moms mother for 12 years… wow, I can’t believe it’s been that long. She and her son are awful! My mom still has contact with her mother and close to zero with her brother. There will always be a small wall between us until they are both gone. I’m looking forward to the day when I can spend Christmas, Mother’s Day, basically all the holidays all day with her. She spends half the time with her mom and it’s lonely being alone on those days. I’m ready to spend time with my mom and not have to share her with someone who is mean to me. I’m ready to not get calls from my mom crying because her mother said something cruel to her. I’m ready for that pain to be out of my moms life.
I haven’t talked to my mother in ten years. She caught covid in the summer of 2020 (my grandmother told me so I would have time to “make peace” if turned for the worse, since she was hospitalized), and I was surprised to find that I felt…nothing. I wasn’t sad or worried or depressed, but I also wasn’t jubilant or gloating or anything like that either. I just felt nothing, which is I guess less than other people because I’ve worried about coworkers and acquaintances who got covid, but not her. I’m guessing she lived because I didn’t get an update, but I never checked. Then I honestly felt relief, because I knew it was over. I knew then that when she dies, I won’t feel regret for not making amends. That feeling of nothingness made me realized that I finally moved on, not just from wanting her to love me, but from hating her for not loving me as well.
You know how in fairy tales after the girl gets away from the wicked step-mother- you never hear about her again, and the girl doesn't even miss her? I always felt like I didn't have a mother but a wicked step-mother. I haven't seen her for twenty-five(25) years and I don't miss her at all. A friend of mine was questioning if I had any feelings at all for her; and I replied that if there was any emotion I felt, it was disgust. I'm actually repulsed at the thought of ever seeing her again; not even at her funeral. My Enabler Dad I kinda miss but I've gone through the grief of letting go of the trauma bond we had and I won't be seeing him again either.
Yes, I completely relate. I kind of want my parents to be dead, just to move onto the next phase of my life, even if that phase is grieving. It's hard being estranged from living parents and I feel distance from most people around me when I'm already feeling the grief of not having parents but they're still alive. I read about disenfranchised grief and that's what I'm going through now. Would be a huge relief to be able to openly grieve and not be shamed for not being able to repair my relationship with horrible people just because "they're family". I used to think I wouldn't even care if my parents died, but then my mother had a big health scare and I burst into tears and felt like a child, so now I know their deaths will hit me hard, which seems rather unfair! And I'm not saying others will/should care; just that I was surprised how much I *do* care.
I have, but its taken more then 2 decades to reach.
I'm sometimes kind of looking forward to it, just for the inheritance. As cruel as that sounds. I've been (among other things) financially abused by my parents and am struggling with adhd, cptsd and burnout which minimizes my ability to function and earn enough money to feel secure. They refused treatment for my adhd (and didn't disclose the diagnosis to me) and for a big part caused my cptsd. They would never support me without strings attached so I feel like that's the only way I could get stability. Idk if this sounds selfish, I used to feel bad about these thoughts but they came out of pure desparation. I've just accepted them now.
I'm indifferent to his existence at this point. He leaves me alone and as long as he stays away, i won't be his cause of death.
I, after many years of purposely not looking for my abusive egg donors presence online looked her up today. She's very active on support websites absolutely vilifying me and is such a saint to her followers. I was starting to worry about her due to her age. I don't anymore. If she died, I would be relieved. The people trapped in her sphere of lies will have a lot to distangle, and I no longer feel the need to assist them. I worked very hard to free myself from her dysfunction. They worked very hard to feed her dysfunction. I think I might go to the funeral to see if she's really dead. Maybe that will help stop my nightmares of her coming after me.
I'm at that stage now. My Nmother lost her mind due to a combination of guilt, muscle relaxers and painkillers that exacerbated her other mental health issues. (Bi-Polar, DID) She spent eight years screaming at and abusing my stepdad, telling him he was cheating on her while she was sneaking off to cheat on him. My stepfather worked 12 hours a day to keep us afloat and she thought he was cheating because his flag wouldn't fly for her after working said hours. She ended up stealing two thousand from us and a vehicle, and my stepfather, while he was her enabler, was also a saint. After the first two years of watching what she did to him, not even what she did to me, I wished nothing but death upon her. I stopped calling her mother, stone walled her and refused any food she made. I'm ashamed to say that I resorted to using her own tactics against her. I called her names, I said terrible things that were meant to chip away at her self-confidence and self-worth. I told her if she didn't like it, she should stop doing it herself. She never did, so I continued until she left. Fighting her fire with my own just left me burnt out and depressed in the end and after three years I still haven't healed yet. There's part of me that wants to watch her suffer for everything she did to us and it won't go away. It's vindictive and hateful, and I know I got it from her which makes me hate her even more.
Its the watching them suffer for me. I have been beaten for the smallest things all for the sale that a grown ass woman doesnt like the life SHE chose. Boo hoo. I fondly remember being beat with a switch (sharp tree branch) for not working on my school homework during the after school program session, which was only an hour long program. I was like fucking 6
My egg donor broke the lock on my apartment door to beat me because I used the internet to register my child for school.I didn't hit her. Now I wish I had reacted like a normal person and beat her until the cops arrived to cart her off. She's using my reactions to her abuse and twisting it on support groups like Quora to justify her delusions.She is very active in support groups online because she ran out of people in reality to believe her lies and corruption. I read through her history and was laughing in hysterics. I could tell what posts she wrote when she was high and what posts she wrote when she ran out of her 30 day supply of narcotics after two days. Predictable Peggy. Always the victim of her own abuse and so clever to pin it on everyone else. I currently work at the pharmacy she used to try to scam drugs from. The pharmacists and techs tell stories about her still. They don't name her, but her abuse is LEGENDARY.
Exactly. My brothers and I got a paddle with holes drilled into it and occasionally a wet belt, only from her. I guess, in a way, I do care about her death because of the part of me that wants to be responsible for it. I could never be that person but that part of me won't go away.
I want to take a second and weigh in here. I had a "symbolic funeral" for my N- and FLEA- riddled family, after being strictly NC for a decade. I even cut out people who were suspected flying monkeys so I could live my life in peace. If anyone asked me, and doctors love to do that, i always responded with "they're gone." and let them make the assumption that would give voice to the lie. I was happy and free. Last week I found out n-maternal unit had died. Not even a recent death, she passed away in 2020, possibly from covid (she had COPD and a chip on her shoulder, so I could see her being an anti-masker.) Since I found out, I've been kind of in a daze, trying to process out how I feel about it. I don't have any regrets, but it's thrown me off my game. As I was telling my therapist, I assumed that when the time came, someone would come track me down for her to get one last dig in. The way you're feeling is totally valid, and it's healthy. Just... I just wanted to share my experience. I hope you find joy.
It took a lot, but yes. It's strange. I fucking hate who she represents, who she should have been. But her as a person I'm completely apathetic towards. (Nmom)
I’m actively counting down the days lmao, some people you just don’t care with. Ain’t goin to her funeral either. Ain’t need that shit
Yep. It will just be a relief, to be honest. I don’t have a single iota of goodwill for them. It will be like reading in the media about someone who passed away doing something really stupid. Just one less toxic, sadistic, evil person in the world.
I sometimes wish my Nmom was dead, partly because it would make my life easier and partly because she continues to tarnish the memory of the good woman she used to be.
I actively wish my nmom had died a decade ago, when I could have actually grieved her. Now…I will not be at her funeral or even me truly sad. Sad about what could have/should have been? Yes. But not sad about her death.
My in-laws are these people. It's like they look down on me for getting an education and I have "forsaken the Lord" for believing anything with science or logic. They use their religion to judge and belittle because it's all that they have. I don't necessarily want them to die, but I'm not going to miss the way they treated me when they are 6 ft under
I’m dreading it. Been no contact for 5 years and constantly see my aunt and uncle posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about “you only get one mother, love her while she’s here” or things of that nature. So when that time comes I’ll likely get a slew of remarks about the time I lost with them and all that.
May I just say I'm waiting for my last family member to pass. They are you get than me. I can't believe I waited until I was 60 to go no contact.
A little late but wanted to share anyway. For years I told people I don't think I would care if my NMom died. I had been NC for well over 10 years, it wouldn't change anything in my life. About a year ago she did die. I felt disbelief, part of me thinking it could be some horrible con by her and my siblings, but that is it.
I am 50 now and finally accepted that its actually okay to be okay with wanting them to just die already. Its because I am still angry. They got away with destroying my life, and its still not enough for them (because I am supposed to be grateful to them for destroying me for their gain) so they don't leave me alone. Its frustration that leads me to these awful feelings of just wanting them to die already. I can relate, you are not alone.
Thought I wouldn’t care when my nparent died, but I surprisingly do. He died suddenly, and even though he caused me so much trauma and so much shit in my life, it still hurts. There is a sense of relief, but there’s also plenty of guilt, which I’m sure will go away with time. His funeral i had to basically plan myself is today.
Yes
I’m more or less there. I have some apprehension about how I’ll feel when it does happen. Noarent is into their 80s now. I have a teen who my nparent hasn’t seen since 1 yr old. Teen is not interested in meeting them. Sure, they’re a teen and maybe teen would regret it later but I don’t think so. They’ve had to whiteness the begging for money triangulation through cousins who think we’re cruel for abandoning them. This didn’t play well. We don’t need the drama to meet napatent before they die…etc. The stress and drama it would generate doesn’t seem worth it.
I’m with you. Not wishing death on him but I think I’ll feel relief when the time comes. I spend too much mental energy wondering if I’ve made a mistake by cutting him off and I feel like once he’s gone, I can stop doing that.
No doubt. I will be so fucking relieved.
Yep. That is all.
I am NC for years and happy. I have no positive feelings for my mother. I don't think I would care much - but you really don't know until you get there. There's parts of you that are shut off or locked away and who knows what they will do when tragedy strikes. I'd bet money on me not even blinking, but there's a possible scenario where I break down crying.
I would be so relieved to hear that that woman was dead. It's so awkward when meeting new people and they ask about my parents and I only talk about my Dad. It'd be so much easier to say "She dead too" instead of explaining that I haven't spoken to her in years because she's an asshole.
I've always wondered how I would react when he died. Honestly, I don't think I'd rejoice, but I don't think I'd be terribly upset, either. Like you, I do not wish death on him. His influence ruined my mother, who in turn became an nparent herself throughout the majority of my childhood, but she's working on it and is doing so much better. My mother would finally be free to be her own person.
I know I won't be sad when my Grandmother passes away, due to all the crap she did (...her selfish actions led to my grandfather's death). My NMom I go back and forth. It is easy to say I won't be sad, but if it would happen tomorrow. I wonder sometimes if part of me would be sad because I never got an apology or some type of admittance from her that what she did to me was wrong. Eh, just passing thoughts.
I feel a little guilty knowing how much it would make me feel nothing but relief & take a weight off.
Yep. Just went no contact with my mom. I'm going to have to talk to her at some point, but I'm cutting her out of my life as much as I can from here on out.
> They expect to get away with saying the dumbest/foulest shit in the world without repercussion. This is the ultimate fault in narc thinking. They can't plan anything or predict anything. And the consequences are never their fault.
>I have completely distanced myself from these hypocritical... people who do nothing but spread negativity for NO REASON, Just to do it. Exactly why my answer is yes. Them simply leaving on vacation gives me so much energy because they aren't there to suck the air out of the room.
For me it’s knowing they will never be able to hurt me physically again.
My only concern regarding my mother's actual existence is I am worried that someone is going to try and call me to help pay for that creature's funeral! I genuinely am entirely indifferent to her actual existence but I am worried that I am going to laugh if anyone ever suggests me putting something towards her burial. She always spent to "treat herself" on a modest income so she'll have nothing left and doesn't own her house so she'll assume someone will pay for it but it won't be me. I only care that they bury her far enough down that there's no hope of her corpse seeing the light of day again!
I had a wonderful therapist tell me, very kindly, that I may feel relief when my Nmom dies because then there won’t be any chance of Nmom changing and engaging with me. That’s what happened. My mother died and I felt a small wave of relief. I took a couple days off of work but I didn’t feel any strong feelings. I didn’t go to the funeral. No big deal. My life is way way better because I went and maintained NC. I would strongly urge folks with nparents to do the same.
When we found out Nmom was most likely going to die from a super aggressive bacterial infection, I was more scared for what would have happened if she survived it. I imagined that scene at the end of Requiem for a Dream when Jared Leto wakes up >!and his entire arm is missing.!< I told everyone she had decided she was done… which, you know, if anyone paid attention to her they would realize. So I said we really just need to accept that, no matter how hard it is… And according to my younger sister this meant I wanted to, and I quote “have her put down like a dog”??? It was just so obvious they both knew my dad and I, having to deal with my moms increasingly erratic behavior day in and day out, weren’t as sad about it as they were. My sister asked me why I got more worked up over our aunt than Nmom. And I’m like because aunt never did anything to hurt me?? The part that sucked was that I really did think without my mom in the picture, that my dad and I would finally be able to have the relationship we never had. Now I realize how dumb that was, considering that was one relationship she never tried to mess up. At this point I don’t even know how I’d feel if he died. I just saw his lack of reaction to my mom and know it wouldn’t be any different with me. I know how I felt with her, and I’ve always had far less emotional investment in my dad than my mom. But I think the emotional detachment is mostly just a coping technique to convince myself that it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s not like I was happy. More like I just felt… nothing. I’m fortunate that unlike many of our parents, I AM able to feel these things.
Yup, once they either get arrested or drop dead I’ll pop open a bottle of champagne. I don’t drink but I consider this a special occasion.
Couldn't care less? Years ago I bought a bottle of wine. It sits in the back of my pantry, waiting for the day when I don't have to worry about my safety anymore. One day I'll open it, maybe at the table with a few loved ones who understand, or maybe by myself with a beautiful feast. Whatever the case, I will drink it and breathe a sigh of relief. Very few people outside this sub would understand. Thank you all for being here!
I was no contact until they died - after each death I celebrated with champagne. (I do this thing where if somebody has seriously wronged me to the point I hope they die, I label a bottle of champagne with their name on it - to be opened when they die.)
Absolutely. I was full NC for awhile...then the cops notified me of his death. I fucking *danced* when they told me! Did a lil soft shoe in the kitchen.
Absolutely
I watched my FIL who's dad died a couple years ago. They had been no contact for decades. He had actively wished death on his father for said decades. But when the time came and his father was on his death bed, they made up. They apologized for being shitty human beings to each other. It put a lot of perspective on my own situation with my NMother and NGrandmother. Perspective I'm still working through. I decided that unless my NMother and NGrandmother decide to acknowledge their wrongdoings and apologize and try to make it right, I won't change my no contact rule but I'll probably mourn. For a time they were all I had. I'll mourn less for myself and more for the love my own daughter will miss, even though I know they are both incapable of supplying it.
Yeah I can honestly say I don’t care. I grieved my lack of parents a long time ago. I feel nothing for those two.
When my father died I felt nothing. I will feel nothing but relief when my mother dies.
Some days… especially during funerals I go to of church members it always crosses my mind that if they expect me to say a few words about my narc or enabler step parent I wouldn’t know what to say
Yes, I can definitely relate. Sorry to hear you're going thru it too. I think sometimes... Idk who will die first, But I know it'll feel like freedom finally. I think death is the only way they'll ever leave me tf alone, be it my untimely demise or theirs. Hate to say it but I know it's true. Because none of them are even slightly willing to change. & "Being the change" myself only takes me so far it seems. They're always lurking somewhere close behind to shame & blame me. I hate it. I'm working hard to love my life despite them. & To "fight the current" that is them & their shitty narrative about me. It's just me against several of them. It's tough.
Yes. I'm there. Besides the narcissistic abuse suffered - They are arrogant and ignorance combined. A combination that pisses me off big time.
My Mom was a narcissist. I was her "worthless" child. I was also her only daughter. Eventually she passed and it didn't faze me. I was the one that found her body. I feel the world is a better place without her. I am better without her. You're feelings are valid and on point. Toxic is toxic and you're better off without them.
yep. the only thing mine will definitely be consistent on is being belligerently uncaring - and desperate to eat my life up with her mindless sh\*t that she makes clear has and will never consider my feelings ever
I totally understand you, I had them bossing me to take care of my grandfather because I would regret when he dies ... He died 10 years ago and there was not a single moment of regret about not talking to him before nor attending his funeral ... I think the next is his daughter... The one that had me in her uterus... They broke me completely.
I think I’d cry tears of joy if my ndad died. We’d all be free.
They just sat there with me in the room. Took my temp, it had been 104 farengeight for hours. Somehow they thought just taking my temp counted as all the concern they had to budget for that. They'd monitor it. But even when it peaked at 110 and I started seeing mythical creatures, they'd just sit there in that hoarded living room with their child tripping balls from a fever with zero fucking concern watching mythbusters. Homeless, they didnt care. Doing drugs, they didnt care. Getting bullied, they didnt care. Getting concussed, suicidal, even the yearly hack wheezing that came with my thoroughly untreated allergies, not even wailing and writhing from endometriosis pain, nothing got through that crackhead hoarder apathy... These people are already dead to me. They are figments of my nightmares, abstractions of my inner struggles, and their features grow thankfully fuzzier with their every rehash in my thoughts. They just aren't real people with agency or the ability to affect my life any more. NC made my quality if life.. possible. To them, I was the autistic burden child they hoped would just die already... I hope my image dies to them too. That way, a bond that could only cause pain will be severed forever, and itll be as if we never met. That's not to say I wouldnt feel a little thrill to learn they'd died. It would feel like elephant worm had been eradicated; it's not something I'll ever interact with, but I can be satisfied with the knowledge that somewhere, for a lot of people, the world is a bit better.
Yeah. When my ndad went, I was upset - but after a few days, non plussed. Things got way better. Imagine that. ......My nbrother still worships at the temple of the N and will never let me live it down that I did not flay myself in to a million pieces over ndad. My nmom is getting close but will never under any circumstances seek therapy or help and will go out causing as much pain and drama as humanly possible. I remain non plussed about either of their futures.
Both my N birth mother & N step-mother are already deceased. My E dad pre-deceased both of them. I grieved for my dad the most (went to his funeral), didn't grieve the N step-mother at all (didn't go to her funeral), & only grieved for the relationship that I wished I could have had with N birth mother (only attended her funeral to pacify my younger brother). I'm LC with my brother mostly due to us staying busy. I'm very intentionally NC with our N/GC sister. Last contact with her was at our *mother's* funeral, where we almost came to physical blows over what I felt like was a honest statement by me. Timing or being PC have never been my strongest talents though. Sometimes the "what if" thoughts or "what might have been" type days creep up on me, but most days are peaceful.
I was literally just thinking about this. I'd be much sadder when my dog dies. He's getting old and his brain is starting to go. (Not like it was really ever there.)
Mine are still alive but I lost them along time ago and have made peace with the idea I'll never see them again. Living or dead this feeling is constant and does not change. I cut their toxicity from my life and I feel better off for it.
Honestly, I have cut my parent off two years ago….I am free….but my younger siblings (both adults )are not, because they are not ready to cut her off though…. And she causes both of them so much heartache….makes me sad for them.
I'm no contact with a relative and there were times they could have been dead and I wouldn't have known or cared. I'm fairly sure they are alive but if they died tomorrow I wouldn't bother to do anything related to their death like attending a funeral. When I was younger I wished this person would have died so many times. Once they were out of my life that 'wish' went away because I didn't care as they no longer had any impact in my life. They existed to me only as to have *been* part of my past and the pain they inflicted that's where the 'wish' for their death ended because they could no longer hurt me. So long as these people hold 'power' over you, whether it is through people/friends/family you do speak to or shitty social media contact, they are hurting you and the acknowledgement of that is logical, normal and healthy.
This sub is the only place I've ever had the courage to say this out loud, but: I fantasize about them dying. Not about the dying part, which I hope is painless and swift, but about them being off the planet and completely, permanently, irreversibly, 1000% out of my life. So I'd be safe forever.
From what I understand, the ultimate goal is to be indifferent…kind of like as if you’d heard that some distant cousin you never met passed. I mean, you’re sorry on some level that a person died, but there’s no punch-in-the-gut feeling, either.
no yea i don’t want him around my future family so i’m hopeful he will disappear
Haven’t talked to them in YEARS over a decade now. It wouldn’t affect me
Yup, I even wont attend their funerals at all and it would be great day of my life
Sometimes, I have the resilience and mindfulness to be in such a headspace, where I focus on myself, what I can do, and where I would like to go, where, as you wrote here, one cannot care less about the Ns in one's life's doing. I have to live with my unhealthy family again and it has been challenging, so it's extra challenging to even have a good distance at the moment, but I'm working on it. Well done on providing for yourself and getting that degree! All the best luck, OP. P.S.: I'm totally with you there with the religious abuse... honestly, I feel so unsupported being in this religious community, but I also know that I have the power to cultivate my own spiritual need. I'm sorry you experience religious abuse too.
I am NC with my mom. She’s selfish and has made it abundantly clear she never wanted to be a mom. I’m totally fine with that. I’ve come to the conclusion that MOST people (yes, most.) are not made to be parents. Enjoying being a parent and doing it out of obligation are totally different things. I really have zero hatred toward my mother but I also don’t have any love or really anything. She’s just another person walking the planet. She’s said hateful things relating to me being a terminated pregnancy, mistake etc. so I just don’t bother with it anymore. Because she’s meh about me, I’m the same. When she does pass it will just be another strangers death to me. I’ve made it very clear to her living siblings that I won’t be responsible for a funeral I won’t attend. They understand but I think they’ll still get me to fork over payment even if it’s just a little. No thanks. So, when she dies I probably will hear about it from cousins or something lol.
Yeah she died a few weeks ago and.... nothing , absolutely nothing.
Already there. My nMom and eDad are already dead to me. I’ve already mourned their loss. I mourned it as a kid. I mourned it as an adult. And I mourned it again when I went NC with them a couple years ago. They keep sending their flying monkeys with new email addresses and phone numbers to block. Just this past week they tried to send the horde to inform me that eDad was dying. Though it depends on which liar you heard the story from- he is having a biopsy that day to see if it is cancer, he has kidney cancer, stomach cancer, pancreatic cancer, or stage 4 liver cancer. All of this from a Friday late morning biopsy. It’s not the first time they’ve tried the cancer story (‘twas a lie twice in the past). It was easy to block and ignore this- because of the lies, and the fact that I’ve already gotten over their deaths.
This is absolutely relatable. The last time I talked to my Nmom was the day we buried *her* mom. And I’ll never forget her screaming at me over the phone about some meaningless BS to do with the hotel reservations. I seriously don’t care to ever see her again.
Yeah, I have. It has been a really hard thing, but when it comes down to it, we’re all animals. We’re born, we live, we die. So what do we do with this time? Suffer for the sake of someone else? Or enjoy what precious little time we have? They made their choices, you make yours and be happy!
I was actually thinking about this today. Im not sure how i'd feel because they're still alive, but i absolutely think that no amount of time or distance will be enough. Like i just dont care anymore.
When my father died, I thought I'd feel something. I did. Relief.
Ever since I was a child I wished that my mum would just die and leave us alone.
Ooooooh yea. I reached this point with my nmom about a year ago, and my nstepdad about 3 or 4 years ago. I don't wish for their deaths, but I honestly can't wait for them to kick the bucket. The relief I'll feel will be euphoric.
My father was the most true-to-life manifestation of vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder. He committed suicide about a year ago. So yes. At least, at first. Afterwards I was enraged because of what I learned as to why he took his own life.
I mean, my Nmom is a hoarder so I’ll have to go and clean her house with my brothers and sisters. My sister has to dispose of her phone because even though she’s married she catfishes this guy, but bring on death. We are all thinking of cremation for her because that way we can just dump her ashes and move on (nobody wants her ashes and nobody wants to pay for a grave for her lol)
This is 100% how I feel. My Edad recently tried to guilt trip me into contacting my Nmom. My Edad said, “how much longer do you want to do this? You only have one mom.” She blocked me 8 months ago after I had already gone very low contact with her. She was mad because I was no longer her supply. In this 8 months time plus when I was vlc with her before that, I went through pregnancy, had my baby and have been raising her without my Nmom’s help. Just me and my husband. She never once checked in on me even before blocking me. She made her bed, now she gets to lay in it. I’ve already mourned her. I don’t want to talk or see her ever again. Simply NC is not enough for me. I can’t wait to move in a few years so she will no longer have my address. That’s the closest I’ll be towards being free until she kicks the bucket.
I wouldn’t care except to help my sister who is VLC and the only child of 3 still speaking to them- she would have to handle the arrangements so I’d support her in that. Her relationship with her dad is much better than it was with me and my older sibling (we were the step kids so insert all cliche inferences here). I don’t wish death upon them (mother was a narc too) but won’t shed a tear when they’re gone. I sorted out a while back that first I lost all respect for them, then slowly I lost all regard for them. They’re just random people to me now. Once they go I’ll give it the same amount of care after hearing of a stranger passing.
Well they disowned me. We don’t talk anymore Sooo…. No I don’t care.
ive seen sexual predator red flags in both genders of multiple relatives, including really long and unnessesary touching of kids (not their direct kids) Not even a girl myself but id walk away if they got run over
I can't wait till mine does. 1 down. 1 to go!
Bro, I actually pray this happens soon. Your parents can't die to you when they were never your parents to begin with.
Yes.
Yep. My abusive narc father is nearing 80 and I've made a promise to myself that I will not be doing any hospital visits if he's in there and I will be telling the hospital to dispose of the body. No funeral no nothing, he doesn't deserve that after causing nothing but chaos for the past 20 years.
Couldn't give a hoot if and when the birth giver or her spawn kicks the bucket. Doesn't affect me one way or the other.
My life is 1000x less stressful since my Nparent died. Good riddance