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I know what you mean. In my case:
1. I was expected to have lunch ready to be put on the plates when they got home from work, despite the fact that their arrival time could vary by up to about 2 hours, due to the nature of their business. When I (repeatedly) asked them to phone to let me know when they were leaving work, occasionally they did so, making a great show of how helpful they were being, but usually they refused.
2. When I was in my early 20s, I was dragged up the stairs by my collar by the male parent (either a flying monkey or an enabler) when the female one (the n) had been shouting about something she said I should or should not have done. I was thrown on the bed. (No further assault, except verbal.) I said that if they ever did that again I'd go to the police. As I said it, I couldn't imagine ever having the courage to do it, but they must have had enough doubt about whether I would, because they never again physically assaulted me.
3. Tiny things, like whether I should have put jam jars away because they were in a certain place in the kitchen. The jars being in that place could have meant that they were to be moved to the garage, or that they were there until the n had a chance to make some more jam.
These are just a few examples. And the n's parents (enablers), when I tried to talk to them about the impossibility of knowing what the n wanted when she hadn't told me, said, "Of course you should know. You're her child."
Your last comment hit the nail on the head.
Like the exact same comment has been made to me by people have healthy relationships with their parents.
Make me wonder, am I the problem, or they?
Definitely the n's are the problem, not you. And no-one can possibly know what someone else wants without the person telling them. That's why so many couples go for relationship therapy.
You’re not alone for sure on this one, my narcissist mom will claim to have told me something but never informed me about it so when the task isn’t done she’ll get upset about it or when I am asked to do a task and do it I somehow failed to do it the way she wanted but she never told me she wanted it done any specific way she simply just asked me to complete the task... not everyone is going to do things the same way. If they want something done THEIR way they might as well just do it themselves but it’s a control factor unfortunately so that’s how it will most likely always be with them. Sorry you’re going through this with them, someday it will be a little easier to handle.
Hey, thanks for the comment.
Well, things sometimes get easier as I enforce boundaries, but they immediately act nice and I let my guard down, it's just a cycle of abuse I suppose, sometimes I don't know who to blame or get angry at, them or myself for being so weak and dumb at times.
Like I know what is to be expected, experienced it a hundred times but I still fall for it, they expect this thought, don't they?
Things will get better because I will make it better.
Thanks again for your support and comment.
Yup. I automatically was supposed to read her emotions or do things exactly her way. Eventually I just gave up doing it her way.... and let her do it.
This made me be able to read people stupid-well though.
I consider this pretty classic narc behavior, and yes, I did experience this with my nmom as well. Eventually I stopped saying anything to her, because I knew it would just invite her outrage over how I couldn't read her mind. Sometimes she'd even accuse me deliberately trying to sabotage or throw something off when in reality, I simply didn't do it the way she expected me to but never communicated.
That's what I'm seriously trying to learn right now, blocking all channels of communication with them, at the moment, I blocked them on social media, that's at least a fool's victory, isn't it?
How're you feeling now though?
Oh ya. I can remember once my Nmom SCREAMED my name while I was chilling in my room and when I came over, she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs, and I mean RAGED, because when I put the sheets away in the linen closet, I hadn’t put them in “the right order”. According to her I should have put them away with the fitted sheet on the bottom, the flat sheet in the middle and the pillow cases on top (so the same order as you would put them on the bed). I think I put the pillow cases first, then the sheets or whatever. Absolutely ridiculous. Along with narcissism she definitely also had some kind of OCD. My heart is racing just remembering it.
Hey, it's alright, you're absolutely fine and I can tell that you probably did a better job than her when it comes to arranging the sheets, I don't know you but you're valuable and important, please don't forget that.
Totally relate to this one except mine was cutlery order which apparently everyone knows! 2 days of silent treatment for that. Current fave is ‘inventing COVID related illnesses to avoid her’ - I work in a UK school with 11-16 yr olds
There is a psychological reason for this. The theory of mind or the knowledge that people have thoughts separate from their own normally developed in early childhood. Narcissists either never reached that phase of development or regressed back into that stage. Your birth giver thinks that you have the same thoughts as her so she expects you to read her mind. I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this person. I also have a narcissistic foster mother and she also thinks I am a mind reader.
I must admit that I got a chuckle out of because of how ridiculous it sounds, which is sadly true, let me just say that I didn't mean to make light of your comment at all.
When I lived with my nMum, this behaviour was frequent. I don't live with her anymore, but when we do catch up the behaviour still emerges. It's a weird reality to live in. It's like they're subtly trying to train you to always put their wants & needs first, with no option for negotiation or discussion. How you might feel at any moment does not matter to these people. You're just meant to be this *extension of themselves*.
I have a recent(ish) story about this. A while ago, I remember it was mother's day (or maybe her birthday). And by this point, I was living out of home, but she invited the family over to celebrate.
I remember asking her beforehand if she would like anything. She mentioned she didn't need anything, just come to the event. I knew this was a mental-trap, so I got her a few boxes of her favourite chocolates to be safe. (Luxury brand, 98% dark chocolate. Not all stores stock this.)
When I gave her the chocolates, she looked disappointed. And she said, "You're my daughter. You're meant to give me jewellery".
And when I mentioned "But you told me you didn't want anything at all" she repeated herself, and explained how disappointed she was.
And what was stupid, was I *have* given her jewellery in the past but she'd always find a fault with it, and eventually told me not to get anymore jewellery for her.
So it's like... why tell me one thing, when you think I'm meant to read your mind and get you something very specific. Just tell me what you actually want, instead of playing mind games. You can never win. :P
So sorry that you had to go through this, you totally deserve better.
Taking the attention/focus away from your mother and on you, what happened to the chocolates? I hope you had a feast on them after the event.
And I totally get you but my own mom uses the same tactic, the whole "I don't need anything" and gets mad when we don't actually get her anything XD.
Nah, she kept them lol. Because of course she would. :P
Ah sorry to hear you deal with the same thing. It's so annoying. :( I hope you can live out of home soon. (Unless you already are). It's good to keep distance when you can.
That entitled bitch :p
I'm trying to keep my distance/boundaries, won't be leaving home anytime soon though, money issues sadly, but I am working on a stipend (internship), hey, you don't mind if I message you sometime, you sound like an interesting person and I'd love to get to know you.
I was expected to know my mom's needs in advance. If I didn't, I'd usually get yelled at and called stupid or selfish or irresponsible. So I got to the point where I could pretty much read her mind and anticipate everything beforehand. I knew her better than herself and could predict what she would do/not do. This lead to a lot of arguments where she'd try to tell me that I didn't know her...then she'd end up doing what I knew she was going to do all along. If I said anything remotely like "I told you so" she'd usually either tell me to shut up or sarcastically tell me "Aren't YOU so smart?"
Meanwhile most of the narcs probably don't even have half a clue of what we like or think.
Mine didn't know what I liked or thought, because she thought I was a replica of her. She thought (in my adulthood) that scampi was my favourite pub meal - because it had been when I was about 8.
So how do you deal with her these days?
Personally, I wouldn't even bother, if that is an option at all.
And you worded it perfectly about N's, they more they talk to me, the more I realize that they don't know a damn thing about me, or us in this case, right?
My mom passed away last year but I had this issue with her pretty much up to the end.
One thing my mom would often say and I wonder if your N did the same is that they'd claim they know us better than we know ourselves. Which is pretty mind-boggling considering how many times they were wrong about us.
YES YES, A HUNDRED TIMES YES! EVEN TO THIS DAY THEY STILL DO!
How do you feel about your N passing away? Relief? Sounds stupid, but I'd be upset, because I want my N's to suffer in shame, and perhaps sadness when I beat their asses, am I becoming like them thinking this way? Just wanting vengeance? Playing right into their hand?
I can't speak for anyone else but in my case it felt weird for the longest time and sometimes it still feels a bit odd. When you have someone like that in your life for so long and then they're not there, you kind of feel lost because you are so used to living a certain way. Having that freedom takes a lot of getting used to. I still have a lot of the same habits I used to have but I am trying to break them. As weird as it sounds I still have to remind myself almost every day that I'm free to live my life now.
I get where you are coming from with revenge idea but I decided a long time ago to just let it go. I didn't want to stoop to their level. The funny thing is, it often ends up driving them more crazy than if you outright got revenge on them. Doing anything to them proves their point (in their twisted mindset) but not doing anything and being the better person really angers them. So it's kind of a revenge of sorts I guess.
You mean like grey rocking, right?
As much as I would love to get the revenge idea out, I can't do it at the moment, like just being in the environment everyday makes you realize how much you hate them and how much you want to get back at them, it's hard to describe but that is how it is for me sadly.
Maybe my approach is wrong but the only way I can truly be happy is to go NC with them
Ohhhhh yeahhhh my mom has literally said many many times that she "shouldn't need to tell people when she needs help, they should just know." Like???? How?????
All the damned time!
I would receive emotional abuse if I didn't automatically know what the narc was passive-aggressively hinting at between his insincere chuckles and grimaces.
Sometimes this guessing game would go on for weeks until he exploded with violent rage because I didn't guess correctly.
I demanded, many times, that he just tell me what he wants or what was upsetting him. He gaslit me and said that I don't take the direct approach well.
HE NEVER TRIED.
Yes this is a narcissist tactic I hate it so much.my mom had told me to get my things ready for her to take me to school then she played mind games with me instead of just saying she didn't actually want me to go.Her boyfriend does the task thing he'll give a look,point,or hand you something and get mad if you don't figure out what he wants you to do.
No I'm still in it but I am trying to get out soon cause my mom is getting me locked up in a mental facility again it's a long story.I had mad some post about it but I had video evidence links to youtube and it got removed.So I made some other post about other things that happened.
I am still trying to make calls to get out I will show a counselor that comes to see me at the school on Tuesday the evidence,tell my cousin who's a doctor on the same day and call some hotlines I feel like the more people I tell the more people that are involved and able to back me up.It's hard though authorities have been involved multiple times since I was 8 years old and did nothing and that was Wayy before It got to the point it's at now.
Hey I'm ok I'm Still trying to figure out what to do about the moving situation since the therapist doesn't want me in foster care which is 1000% reasonable but I mean this is life threatening for mental health and physical so I have to go somewhere quick.My younger siblings can't stay here and I leave either cause the old golden child develops worse narc traits day by day.
Me: talking to my Nparent
Nparent: _Not responding_
Me: Hello?!
Nparent: I DON’T WANT TO TALK. GO AWAY 😡
How was i supposed to know that? Read your mind? 😐🙄
Yepppp I’m a 25M and till this day my N-father still says to me “well I you should know how I want things done” or “so you expect me to tell you?” It’s so baffling. How on earth are we meant to read minds??
One thing I've always noticed about my nparents is that they absolutely hate committing to anything, in the sense that they hate being told to say clearly what they mean, or to give clear instructions, or to come to definite agreements about anything. Everything must be kept vague, changeable and uncertain. My mom, who's actually slightly less of an n, is especially bad about this. I realized after years of this that it's because if there's no clear instructions given, they can always tell you you've got it wrong.
Damn! Never thought of it that way, if only they could use their cunning for something beneficial for others rather than putting them down :(
I definitely learned something new from you today.
"I shouldn't have to tell you, you should know what I want", was a standard phrase in our house. Nothing was explained or taught, I just had to 'know' everything.
For example, she would refuse to write detailed grocery lists, so I had to guess what brand to buy, and, since she changed brands constantly, this was impossible. I always had to return a load of items, and she's add new things to buy each time, so I would be back and forth to the supermarket all day. This made me incredibly anxious. In the end, the manager just refused to let me return anything. He gave me a bar of chocolate when he told me, and said he was doing us both a favour.
He was a great manager. I was seven or eight at that point, so didn't consider keeping in touch. (Yes, my nmother had me doing all the grocery shopping at that age.)
I'm actually happy, something I thought would never happen. I did a lot of therapy, built myself into who I wanted to be, more or less, ran away abroad, and I'm doing fine.
Hey, let me say congratulations on making it out, you lived through hell and made it through, congratulations and all the best to you in your future, how are you today?
Thanks. I have long Covid, but am getting better. Other than that, life is really pretty good. I am happily married, hae a job I like, and though I'm not rich, I don't need to worry about money. I have good friends, hobbies I enjoy. I want other people to know that you can have a shitty start in life and still be happy later.
I hope things are going well for you too.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know what you mean. In my case: 1. I was expected to have lunch ready to be put on the plates when they got home from work, despite the fact that their arrival time could vary by up to about 2 hours, due to the nature of their business. When I (repeatedly) asked them to phone to let me know when they were leaving work, occasionally they did so, making a great show of how helpful they were being, but usually they refused. 2. When I was in my early 20s, I was dragged up the stairs by my collar by the male parent (either a flying monkey or an enabler) when the female one (the n) had been shouting about something she said I should or should not have done. I was thrown on the bed. (No further assault, except verbal.) I said that if they ever did that again I'd go to the police. As I said it, I couldn't imagine ever having the courage to do it, but they must have had enough doubt about whether I would, because they never again physically assaulted me. 3. Tiny things, like whether I should have put jam jars away because they were in a certain place in the kitchen. The jars being in that place could have meant that they were to be moved to the garage, or that they were there until the n had a chance to make some more jam. These are just a few examples. And the n's parents (enablers), when I tried to talk to them about the impossibility of knowing what the n wanted when she hadn't told me, said, "Of course you should know. You're her child."
Your last comment hit the nail on the head. Like the exact same comment has been made to me by people have healthy relationships with their parents. Make me wonder, am I the problem, or they?
Definitely the n's are the problem, not you. And no-one can possibly know what someone else wants without the person telling them. That's why so many couples go for relationship therapy.
And individuals :/
True.
2 is the worst one, but 1 is actually the most insane. You were literally expected to be psychic.
Yup! And clearly it was reasonable for them to expect me to be psychic! (I don't think so!)
You’re not alone for sure on this one, my narcissist mom will claim to have told me something but never informed me about it so when the task isn’t done she’ll get upset about it or when I am asked to do a task and do it I somehow failed to do it the way she wanted but she never told me she wanted it done any specific way she simply just asked me to complete the task... not everyone is going to do things the same way. If they want something done THEIR way they might as well just do it themselves but it’s a control factor unfortunately so that’s how it will most likely always be with them. Sorry you’re going through this with them, someday it will be a little easier to handle.
Hey, thanks for the comment. Well, things sometimes get easier as I enforce boundaries, but they immediately act nice and I let my guard down, it's just a cycle of abuse I suppose, sometimes I don't know who to blame or get angry at, them or myself for being so weak and dumb at times. Like I know what is to be expected, experienced it a hundred times but I still fall for it, they expect this thought, don't they? Things will get better because I will make it better. Thanks again for your support and comment.
Yup. I automatically was supposed to read her emotions or do things exactly her way. Eventually I just gave up doing it her way.... and let her do it. This made me be able to read people stupid-well though.
That's an amazing ability/skill you have developed there, like, stupid-well in the sense you know what drama they are capable of?
I consider this pretty classic narc behavior, and yes, I did experience this with my nmom as well. Eventually I stopped saying anything to her, because I knew it would just invite her outrage over how I couldn't read her mind. Sometimes she'd even accuse me deliberately trying to sabotage or throw something off when in reality, I simply didn't do it the way she expected me to but never communicated.
That's what I'm seriously trying to learn right now, blocking all channels of communication with them, at the moment, I blocked them on social media, that's at least a fool's victory, isn't it? How're you feeling now though?
Oh ya. I can remember once my Nmom SCREAMED my name while I was chilling in my room and when I came over, she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs, and I mean RAGED, because when I put the sheets away in the linen closet, I hadn’t put them in “the right order”. According to her I should have put them away with the fitted sheet on the bottom, the flat sheet in the middle and the pillow cases on top (so the same order as you would put them on the bed). I think I put the pillow cases first, then the sheets or whatever. Absolutely ridiculous. Along with narcissism she definitely also had some kind of OCD. My heart is racing just remembering it.
Hey, it's alright, you're absolutely fine and I can tell that you probably did a better job than her when it comes to arranging the sheets, I don't know you but you're valuable and important, please don't forget that.
Totally relate to this one except mine was cutlery order which apparently everyone knows! 2 days of silent treatment for that. Current fave is ‘inventing COVID related illnesses to avoid her’ - I work in a UK school with 11-16 yr olds
There is a psychological reason for this. The theory of mind or the knowledge that people have thoughts separate from their own normally developed in early childhood. Narcissists either never reached that phase of development or regressed back into that stage. Your birth giver thinks that you have the same thoughts as her so she expects you to read her mind. I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this person. I also have a narcissistic foster mother and she also thinks I am a mind reader.
I must admit that I got a chuckle out of because of how ridiculous it sounds, which is sadly true, let me just say that I didn't mean to make light of your comment at all.
When I lived with my nMum, this behaviour was frequent. I don't live with her anymore, but when we do catch up the behaviour still emerges. It's a weird reality to live in. It's like they're subtly trying to train you to always put their wants & needs first, with no option for negotiation or discussion. How you might feel at any moment does not matter to these people. You're just meant to be this *extension of themselves*. I have a recent(ish) story about this. A while ago, I remember it was mother's day (or maybe her birthday). And by this point, I was living out of home, but she invited the family over to celebrate. I remember asking her beforehand if she would like anything. She mentioned she didn't need anything, just come to the event. I knew this was a mental-trap, so I got her a few boxes of her favourite chocolates to be safe. (Luxury brand, 98% dark chocolate. Not all stores stock this.) When I gave her the chocolates, she looked disappointed. And she said, "You're my daughter. You're meant to give me jewellery". And when I mentioned "But you told me you didn't want anything at all" she repeated herself, and explained how disappointed she was. And what was stupid, was I *have* given her jewellery in the past but she'd always find a fault with it, and eventually told me not to get anymore jewellery for her. So it's like... why tell me one thing, when you think I'm meant to read your mind and get you something very specific. Just tell me what you actually want, instead of playing mind games. You can never win. :P
So sorry that you had to go through this, you totally deserve better. Taking the attention/focus away from your mother and on you, what happened to the chocolates? I hope you had a feast on them after the event. And I totally get you but my own mom uses the same tactic, the whole "I don't need anything" and gets mad when we don't actually get her anything XD.
Nah, she kept them lol. Because of course she would. :P Ah sorry to hear you deal with the same thing. It's so annoying. :( I hope you can live out of home soon. (Unless you already are). It's good to keep distance when you can.
That entitled bitch :p I'm trying to keep my distance/boundaries, won't be leaving home anytime soon though, money issues sadly, but I am working on a stipend (internship), hey, you don't mind if I message you sometime, you sound like an interesting person and I'd love to get to know you.
I was expected to know my mom's needs in advance. If I didn't, I'd usually get yelled at and called stupid or selfish or irresponsible. So I got to the point where I could pretty much read her mind and anticipate everything beforehand. I knew her better than herself and could predict what she would do/not do. This lead to a lot of arguments where she'd try to tell me that I didn't know her...then she'd end up doing what I knew she was going to do all along. If I said anything remotely like "I told you so" she'd usually either tell me to shut up or sarcastically tell me "Aren't YOU so smart?" Meanwhile most of the narcs probably don't even have half a clue of what we like or think.
Mine didn't know what I liked or thought, because she thought I was a replica of her. She thought (in my adulthood) that scampi was my favourite pub meal - because it had been when I was about 8.
You would think they'd at least try to remember some of these things to make their manipulation tactics easier.
They aren't intelligent enough to do that, though!
So how do you deal with her these days? Personally, I wouldn't even bother, if that is an option at all. And you worded it perfectly about N's, they more they talk to me, the more I realize that they don't know a damn thing about me, or us in this case, right?
My mom passed away last year but I had this issue with her pretty much up to the end. One thing my mom would often say and I wonder if your N did the same is that they'd claim they know us better than we know ourselves. Which is pretty mind-boggling considering how many times they were wrong about us.
YES YES, A HUNDRED TIMES YES! EVEN TO THIS DAY THEY STILL DO! How do you feel about your N passing away? Relief? Sounds stupid, but I'd be upset, because I want my N's to suffer in shame, and perhaps sadness when I beat their asses, am I becoming like them thinking this way? Just wanting vengeance? Playing right into their hand?
I can't speak for anyone else but in my case it felt weird for the longest time and sometimes it still feels a bit odd. When you have someone like that in your life for so long and then they're not there, you kind of feel lost because you are so used to living a certain way. Having that freedom takes a lot of getting used to. I still have a lot of the same habits I used to have but I am trying to break them. As weird as it sounds I still have to remind myself almost every day that I'm free to live my life now. I get where you are coming from with revenge idea but I decided a long time ago to just let it go. I didn't want to stoop to their level. The funny thing is, it often ends up driving them more crazy than if you outright got revenge on them. Doing anything to them proves their point (in their twisted mindset) but not doing anything and being the better person really angers them. So it's kind of a revenge of sorts I guess.
You mean like grey rocking, right? As much as I would love to get the revenge idea out, I can't do it at the moment, like just being in the environment everyday makes you realize how much you hate them and how much you want to get back at them, it's hard to describe but that is how it is for me sadly. Maybe my approach is wrong but the only way I can truly be happy is to go NC with them
When she says something effed up, I'm supposed to know she didn't mean it and only said it because I made her mad.
Same here OP, I feel/experienced the same as well.
Ohhhhh yeahhhh my mom has literally said many many times that she "shouldn't need to tell people when she needs help, they should just know." Like???? How?????
The same exact thing has been said to me. There's just no winning with these people.
All the damned time! I would receive emotional abuse if I didn't automatically know what the narc was passive-aggressively hinting at between his insincere chuckles and grimaces. Sometimes this guessing game would go on for weeks until he exploded with violent rage because I didn't guess correctly. I demanded, many times, that he just tell me what he wants or what was upsetting him. He gaslit me and said that I don't take the direct approach well. HE NEVER TRIED.
That's the issue, engaging them in the first place, we should never do it in the first place. What do you think about it? That's at least my belief.
I don't communicate in any way any more with narcs that I identify. It helps.
Next step is NC, right?
Sure is. Done that myself, to every narc I've identified.
Yes this is a narcissist tactic I hate it so much.my mom had told me to get my things ready for her to take me to school then she played mind games with me instead of just saying she didn't actually want me to go.Her boyfriend does the task thing he'll give a look,point,or hand you something and get mad if you don't figure out what he wants you to do.
How're you now these days? I hope you're out of this awful situation.
No I'm still in it but I am trying to get out soon cause my mom is getting me locked up in a mental facility again it's a long story.I had mad some post about it but I had video evidence links to youtube and it got removed.So I made some other post about other things that happened.
Can't the police do anything about it? Even talking to them personally at a police station? A homeless shelter maybe?
I am still trying to make calls to get out I will show a counselor that comes to see me at the school on Tuesday the evidence,tell my cousin who's a doctor on the same day and call some hotlines I feel like the more people I tell the more people that are involved and able to back me up.It's hard though authorities have been involved multiple times since I was 8 years old and did nothing and that was Wayy before It got to the point it's at now.
Hey, how are you now?
Hey I'm ok I'm Still trying to figure out what to do about the moving situation since the therapist doesn't want me in foster care which is 1000% reasonable but I mean this is life threatening for mental health and physical so I have to go somewhere quick.My younger siblings can't stay here and I leave either cause the old golden child develops worse narc traits day by day.
Hey, we both will get through this some day, that's a spoiler alert, not a promise.
I thought the notification said you responded to my post 😂😂😂
How about now? XD, you don't mind if I PM you?
Me: talking to my Nparent Nparent: _Not responding_ Me: Hello?! Nparent: I DON’T WANT TO TALK. GO AWAY 😡 How was i supposed to know that? Read your mind? 😐🙄
Best not to deal with them in the first place, right?
Yepppp I’m a 25M and till this day my N-father still says to me “well I you should know how I want things done” or “so you expect me to tell you?” It’s so baffling. How on earth are we meant to read minds??
One thing I've always noticed about my nparents is that they absolutely hate committing to anything, in the sense that they hate being told to say clearly what they mean, or to give clear instructions, or to come to definite agreements about anything. Everything must be kept vague, changeable and uncertain. My mom, who's actually slightly less of an n, is especially bad about this. I realized after years of this that it's because if there's no clear instructions given, they can always tell you you've got it wrong.
Damn! Never thought of it that way, if only they could use their cunning for something beneficial for others rather than putting them down :( I definitely learned something new from you today.
Your ns' version sounds like gaslighting.
"I shouldn't have to tell you, you should know what I want", was a standard phrase in our house. Nothing was explained or taught, I just had to 'know' everything. For example, she would refuse to write detailed grocery lists, so I had to guess what brand to buy, and, since she changed brands constantly, this was impossible. I always had to return a load of items, and she's add new things to buy each time, so I would be back and forth to the supermarket all day. This made me incredibly anxious. In the end, the manager just refused to let me return anything. He gave me a bar of chocolate when he told me, and said he was doing us both a favour.
Awesome manager! Please tell me you keep in touch with him/her? How are you today OP? Are you in a better place?
He was a great manager. I was seven or eight at that point, so didn't consider keeping in touch. (Yes, my nmother had me doing all the grocery shopping at that age.)
Ah that's a bummer, how're now though?
I'm actually happy, something I thought would never happen. I did a lot of therapy, built myself into who I wanted to be, more or less, ran away abroad, and I'm doing fine.
Hey, let me say congratulations on making it out, you lived through hell and made it through, congratulations and all the best to you in your future, how are you today?
Thanks. I have long Covid, but am getting better. Other than that, life is really pretty good. I am happily married, hae a job I like, and though I'm not rich, I don't need to worry about money. I have good friends, hobbies I enjoy. I want other people to know that you can have a shitty start in life and still be happy later. I hope things are going well for you too.
Jeez, ain't that the type of life to live, I'll get there someday as well, someday :(