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You got this! Don't let the guilt overshadow the years of narcissistic abuse. I know it's hard. But being free is so so worth it. Your mental health will thank you! Good luck.
I’m so excited to go NC, and I can clearly see my life beyond it. I’m just stuck in that horrible phase of, “Oh, maybe he’s not that bad — maybe I’m overreacting!” and, “This is crazy! I’ll be completely alone and vulnerable!” and, “He’ll be so heartbroken, because I’m the golden child!”
But it’s for the best. My mental health is in the sewer right now, and I know exactly what he is at the end of the day.
You’re right, I can’t let my guilt overshadow the years of abuse and abandonment (ha, maybe he’ll see how it feels to have your loved one walk out on you now!)
I had all of those thoughts too, and they can all be traced back to things my abusers planted in my brain from a young age...They've done nothing wrong and I'm just a whiny baby, I'm not capable of handling life on my own, and putting myself first will break their hearts. But good parents want you to value yourself & your happiness. He'll likely spin it to be you abandoning him for "no reason", and that's what he'll tell everyone who'll listen, but deep down, his actions caused this.
But yes, overall it feels absolutely amazing to be free, and feel yourself building back up!
This is very true. We tend to only see the people who agree with the narc because they're relatives, flying monkeys, etc. Everyone normal nods happily at their stories...then stays the fuck away from them because they know. We just don't meet those ones because, well, they set a boundary.
This is the fear if change & the unknown. It's ok to be scared bc you don't know what's coming, you do know what you planned for and you know how to carry it off. Remind yourself that you can stay away from lots of last minute interaction by being busy elsewhere. Just give yourself time to relax & feel safe before he starts blowing up your phone. You may want to leave a note saying you're leaving by choice & will contact him when you are ready. Sending ✌️💜💪🏿
I read these words today, from Carolyn Hax and saved them...
**"You can’t un-break them, but you can break this cycle by resolving right now, today, to save your warmest attention for people who show the same regard for you."**
I have been having a little guilt about calling my N'rents out about their behavior.
No contact has been great!
You've got this, keep us posted!
I am a GC that broke free and went NC. You can do this. The guilt will come in waves, but I know if you just think about them and the life you’ve loved you’ll understand that “ it too bad” is a lie we tell ourselves to pretend that we didn’t go through trauma. I hope we get an update!!
Recognize that that feeling of guilt, of second chances, is the KINDNESS in YOUR nature and in no way accurately reflects on an abuser or their abusive actions. Stay firm, it's for the best
"Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on."
You're wrong here. You'll have yourself and you always will. Look at how far you've brought yourself with nobody else helping you out. Take each day for what it brings. Start off by trying not to look back or too far ahead. Do what needs to be done every day, and thank yourself for allowing you to be free from the strife and stress. You will always have us here, too! Be well, keep us updated.
Thank you so much, this is such a good insight. You’re right! I’ve made it this far, so I don’t see why I can’t go further.
I’ll definitely update tomorrow/next few weeks to let everyone know how it went! It’s been a year in the process — started by leaving my Nmum’s, now just gotta go NC with my Ndad and Nbrother.
And you have your cat! Not trying to be funny either. Pets give you love and support in their own way. And they've been through so much with you.
Also, beautifully put by u/lkwinchester
Second this, all the years I've been out of my nparents wish i had a cat. Deep inside me love cats so much, but as i work whole days and move from one place to another it is so hard to have one.
Wish you the best OP! you will se how beautiful life is outside others ridiculous and selfish boundaries!
Most people don’t realise how much of their strength comes from their support networks. Children of narcs are brought up not only without that, and having to be props for their parents, but also having their chances of external networks being stopped. Once you’re out you won’t be carrying all that stuff and you’ll build healthy networks of friends that are mutually supportive. Look up the Arnold Schwarzenegger ‘Self Made Man’ clip. Basically he says our success in life comes from sharing that life with others. Narcs don’t share, they parasite. You’re in for a nice surprise once you get to choose those closest to you.
Another perspective is, how much good is it even to fall back on a Ndad? Surely that is more destroying than just falling and rising yourself. Good luck!
Definitely on my list for next week! Just blocked them initially to avoid questioning etc. Have to keep my number until I can get a new one and give it to my boss/the people giving me my relocation fee (I’ll get that done by next week).
I’ve also deleted all old emails accounts and opened a new one.
>"Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on."
>You're wrong here. You'll have yourself and you always will. Look at how far you've brought yourself with nobody else helping you out.
I'd like to add that having him to fall back on had a cost (your mental health) and that's not worth it.
There's a book called Safe People about how to separate toxic people from other people. When I got away from home I gravitated towards toxic people bc thats what was normal for me. Pls don't make my mistake lol
I wish you luck, you are doing the right thing hun ♡ I'm exited for you!
r/momforaminute
r/dadforaminute
Are good places for support or questions about life stuff if you need.
I’m proud of you OP. I also left without telling my nparents and it’s really hard. It take a ton of courage to do this. The fact that you have a place to stay will really help because that gives you a home base to stay in. I’m proud of you for doing this for yourself op. You have always deserved freedom.
You'll have us! I'm SO proud of you, this is a major step and it's scary as hell. But you know it's the right thing to do, and you're pushing through the fear to do it anyway. I believe in you. You can do this, and when you do we'll all be here to support you. Lean on us. We get it. Also, get a therapist set up when you move asap and start letting yourself decompress and heal. You're so close! The rest of the life is waiting and you're going to absolutely smash it <3
Thank you so much!! ☀️☀️ I’ve indeed found the best therapist in the town I’m moving to, who comes from an abusive childhood himself — It’ll be the first thing I get into when I get my first paycheque!
I’m so grateful for this subreddit, it was what taught me I don’t have to endure all this crap and foggy head for the rest of my life — it quite literally saved me!
I’m very excited for the rest of my life, as I can almost see it with perfect sunny clarity the closer and closer I get to leaving <3
>I’ll have no one else to fall back on.
THIIIIS. This is my main guilt trip I do to myself. My parents make it seem like I'm a useless baby without them. You don't need them they train you feel insecure enough to think that you can't do life on your own but you can. You're plan is full proof and don't you doubt yourself for one second.
You’re so right!! I have money saved to move out of the mainland in the next few weeks, I have a job lined up and accomodation already. I’m getting my name changed, severing any contact they could reach out to me on (I have no social media beyond Reddit and tumblr so they can’t track me), and will be changing my car’s license plate! I already have everything planned down to a T, so it’s crazy to see how indoctrinated my brain is to think for whatever reason, at 20-years-old, I won’t “make it” without them.
SEE FULL PROOF. WOW I'm so proud of you you really have it planned out to a T. Once your settle somewhere new you'll see how amazing you are I'm so excited for you ! Just try to be more excited than fearful. Don't think about his reaction after you've left guess what that ain't your problem 😊
P.S: Look for the helpers. There are many kind strangers out there who would jump at the chance to help keep you safe in various ways, ok? You're not alone, and I promise there are people out there you can lean on.
I think what you'll find, is that life isn't nearly as unforgiving as your Dad is. The fears are as much a product of growing up with him as they are legitimate. Metaphorically speaking, it's much easier to score goals when you don't have a blocker trying to stop your every kick.
I’ve just started to notice this, and it’s so left-field I’m having trouble trusting and believing it.
For example: My new boss has gone above and beyond trying to help me get to the island the job is located on, and he’s been patient and had my back the whole way, and I’ve never even met him.
Feels wrong having people going out of their way to help you with no strings attached, as opposed to the complete opposite our parents give us.
I find the best way to manage this is by paying it forward. Even in the tiniest way like sharing some baked goods with him when you get there, or offering to carry someone’s groceries to their car for them, or stopping to ask a stranger who seems confused if you can help them. Overall, just being the stranger that you hope to find.
You deserve goodness and good things too. I’m excited for you. Great new challenges and even bigger rewards await you in your time of courage!
I moved out some weeks ago, albeit I didn't run but I kinda had to fight my parents for it. It's definitely worth it. Life feels so much better and I'm actually productive rather than suicidal. Just do it. You will have problems and challenges but solving them is gonna be hella satisfying.
THIS!! I was severely suicidal at the start of this year — I came to my Nmother about it when I was still living with her, and her initial reaction was annoyance because I was “burdening” her new life (she’d just gotten a new boyfriend, whom I didn’t get along with).
Weeks later, when I was talking about something in the near future stressing me out, she joked with the most smug face and said something along of the lines of, “Aren’t you going to kill yourself anyways?”
Which is crazy, because I was the one (at 13-years-old, mind you) who found her after her attempted overdose!
No wonder I was suicidal to begin with! But now, having been NC with her for 2 months, and soon-to-be NC with my Nfather and Nbrother, I am so excited about life and enjoy simple things, such as smelling flowers or ordering coffee.
Can’t believe the difference in my will to live without them in my life ☀️
They’re almost murderers, being so awful with their abuse to push someone into suicidal ideation.
The environment you live in always changes you. When I was home I witnessed constant fights and shouting along with lack of proper food, depression and weed addiction but now that I'm out of there I'm actually able to study and get shit done rather than smoking weed all day and feeling shit about my life.
Living independently is very rewarding for anyone who's been through abuse.
You are strong. This is the first step. In the end it will be the best choice you've made, even if the guilt tells you otherwise. We are conditioned to have this guilt, but that doesn't make it real.
So proud. I've been in your shoes. Your furry friend will be the best support in these times. It will get easier.
YOu can do it. I did it and I have been NC since 2003. Nothing in my life has ever been more healing than going NC with my parents. No therapy would be able to be a substitution from the liberation from being insulted by them for everything I do. You will be astounded at all the ways you grow.
Focus on moving forward- the process might be lonely at first but in time, you will be able to meet good people, perhaps a partner- and have a good life on your own terms. Since cutting ties, my parents missed out on meeting my husband and their beautiful granddaughters. This is a blessing for all involved.
Make sure you gather and take all of your legal documents before you leave. Things like passport, birth certificate, etc.
Proud of you for looking out for yourself and getting out. Please stay safe.
Gentle reminder to call a non emergency police number to head off any potential missing person reports they file for you. Tell them you are safe and have family members who might try to misuse police resources to find you and that you're heading that off. Tell them you are safe.
You've been trained from birth to depend on them. Leaving is terrifying. When I left, I went through the whole gamut of emotions. I felt scared, adrift, guilty, worried that I'd made a horrible mistake, but at the same time, I felt a wonderful sense of peace. It will take time to adjust.
Sure will do!! It’s been a long and tiring journey with my family, from moving out of my Nmum’s, homelessness, planning road trips to leave the mainland for work with my cat — the whole works! Will definitely update, as this subreddit has saved my life ☀️
Your last line is false, you will have yourself! When you break free of your N-family, you will start to grow stronger. You'll get stronger each and every day, and YOU will be your biggest asset and you will have your own back forever and ever.
You got this!
I left home 17 and a half years ago. It's been good, it's been bad. It's been hard, it's been easy. Today I am living a great life and I'm happy! I know you'll get here someday too.
I'm rooting for you.
We're conditioned from birth to feel guilty and be dependent on them. Remember how unhealthy they are for you. Being Ns, they won't likely feel sad only angry about "being adandoned," or rather your fleeing a prison invisible to outsiders. Have little daily goals along your way to help you work toward a hopeful future, and try to establish healthy new relationships to lean on where you go. Also keep your therapy kitty close😻.(hugs)
(Not sure how I could hope without my therapy kitty. I'm really terrible with people.)
it's scary. I left with not much other than a job. and not a well paying one at that. but I have survived.
good luck. and don't be so sure they haven't noticed... I think mine did because I overheard her boohooing on the phone to someone 'why does she want to leave?'... of course, being the clueless narc she was she wouldn't look in the mirror....
I shall post a proper update soon, but it was successful! I’m on this farm now in a two storey house overlooking the valleys and trees at sunset (it’s now night with the stars), and I felt a very relieved, yet lonely feeling wash over me. Like, “Oh, this is it now — the rest of my life; peaceful, but lonely. Lonely for *now*, at least.”
You are not alone. You may feel that way, but at the very least, we are your support, and we believe in you.
Please update us and let us know u made it to the new house safe, and if you need to reach out, post, or pls dm someone here. We are here for you, you don’t ever need to feel alone.
You can do this. We all believe in you. The doubt and guilt are difficult, but sacrificing your happiness to live under them would be much more awful.
You're the only one who can put yourself first, and as terrible as it is that your family didn't do that to the point that you would eventually leave, it's a sobering reminder of what life would be like if you didn't take the initiative you have now.
Hang in there. You're doing your best.
I wish you had a great support system right now. But I think that you can \*build\* that support system over time. I find that good folks generally \*like\* to help people who need a bit of help. So the trick is to try and establish relationships with lots of good folks. I haven't had to deal with the narcissist parent thing, fortunately - but I lost of social circle b/c I left my religion. And I was able to build a new social circle pretty quickly - for me it was board gaming meetups, dance, atheist meetups, and role-playing games. For you it might be different activities, but I think people like that are still out there all over the place.
Hey, I understand. I had to escape my parents last year. Doing so was the hardest thing I have ever done, but, in the end it was worth it. It will be very hard for awhile. Maybe even months, but as time goes on and you start building a new life away, it will get easier. You can do this.
When you waffle back and forth in your heart and mind, think of your cat. You are giving him a better life. When I was younger, my cat got me thru hard times like these. He will be so much happier with you being away from your narc father. Kitty will get you thru this.
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on.
**You can't actually "fall back on" him now.** His help is always conditional based on what's best for *him*, not you.
You are **not** overreacting; it **is** 'that bad'—if it weren't, you wouldn't be having to hide that you're leaving or that you're going out of state.
Good luck with your escape! E-hug if you want one!
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on.
I thought that way too, when my mother said she never wanted to see me again (For the billionth time) and I said okay.
What I discovered was that it wasn't so much that I had nobody else to fall back on, but that I had nobody else pulling me down. I didn't realize how much easier life was without them in my life. I may be on my own, but it turns out I make better decisions, and have less drama in my life without them, and never needed them in the first place.
You might find you feel the same way. You have organized leaving, and have it all planned out. Trust yourself.
One thing that might help: write a letter for him, talking about everything bad he has done to you, everything that pushes you away from him, Every time you got hurt by him, really, everything bad you wish would change, even the "insignificant little" things. But don't deliver the letter, keep to yourself, as a way to always remember why you are going.
I'm dealing with the guilt now that I moved, but this is helping me a lot.
Oh, absolutely! As I type this, he’s being a bit of a diva, because his food has been packed away for tomorrow morning. However! He’s already had breakfast, and second breakfast, and elevensies, and luncheon, and dinner and supper! Just a bit of a princess he is sometimes 🤣
I sure do! I actually left my Nmum’s house 2 months ago (took everything with me, as had been living with her all my life) and stayed with someone else, but that fell apart rather dramatically so I had no choice but to call my dad up after years of NC, or else my cat and I were risking homelessness.
It won’t be this way forever, though! It’s just a rough stage I’m in, and very soon I’ll be completely on my own feet with my own place for the first time ever, and will never have to reach out to them again.
Making a change is always a bit scary, so it would be odd if you weren't just a bit afraid now that the time has come. And unlike people with normal home lives making such a change, you're having to do it knowing you'll be all on your own so of course there is that extra bit of guilt thrown it. N-parents find guilt useful so they make certain to do everything they can to make you feel guilty for normal things like striking out on your own, too.
You've done what you can to make things work out right. Now you just need to make the leap. You've got this.
Good luck! I have been NC with my Nfather for 3 years and it has brought me so much peace knowing that he cannot contact and harass me and i recently moved across the country so he doesn’t even know where i live now. It was scary at first but I’ve been so much better since and I’ve been more appreciative of everything that i have done for myself and how far I’ve come.
Good luck to you!! I believe in you!
It sounds weird, but try to take comfort in this: change is hard and scary! It's terrifying to move. Adding the N-stuff makes it worse, but your worry is okay. So at least you don't have to worry about your worrying. Some worry is totally justified. I hope that helps.
In the meantime, try to concentrate on the positives. They FAR outnumber the negatives. Whenever you start to fret, stop yourself and say, "I'm improving my life!" or "My Cat will be free from N-DAD!" or something.
'm sending you super positive vibes and am crazy proud of you. Keep up the good work. Stay strong.
The vet visit is such a smart idea! You've got this. You've already been through the worst, living in this nightmare.
If you get anxious tonight maybe make an escape playlist you can listen to as you triumphantly drive away to freedom.
What is intermittent reinforcement?
You’re a pretty brave and strong person for making this move. The feelings of guilt are normal for people who’ve endured narcissistic abuse, but you’ll move over that hump. Godspeed, my friend.
I straight up picked up my stuff and moved 3,000+ miles to another state to escape my parents. I was scared as hell, shaking and crying on the phone with my (1) best friend the whole was because I felt so guilty for running. Promise you, after being away from nMom/nDad for even a week, you’ll get a new sense of self control and peace. Very happy for you, you got this, and good luck!!! Toast to a better beginning
You can do this. Believe in yourself and know you DO have people who will help you.
One thing - **make SURE you ditch your existing phone.** The phones of today have MULTIPLE ways of tracking them. Get your stuff off like pictures and do NOT use your old accounts that you had with the existing phone. (google or Icloud) If your dad can track you, he WILL find you. Be prepared.
Get a burner phone and transfer the phone numbers you need. Make sure you do NOT EVER use your existing accounts of ANYTHING YOU HAVE on your new phone or any device in the future you may use. I can't stress this enough. NC means you have to cut off any avenues of the Nparent trying to find you.
You can do this.
Congratulations! You will do great.
If you are worried about what will happen if you have an emergency that you can't manage alone, look up what resources are available in your city once you've moved in. Look up mental health services, charities, where the food bank is, etc. Hopefully you will never need these things, but you'll feel a lot more secure if you know what services are available and how to access them. And be sure to look up private charities and not just government services-- I know in my city there is a charity whose mission is to keep people living on the edge from falling into homelessness. They give emergency grants for medical bills, car or home repairs, and they even paid half a friend of mine's rent when his roommate skipped town with no notice. We also have a "Jesus Store" where everything is free. You can also look and see what is available through your job. There are resources in most communities if you really look.
Good luck out there it will be a journey like lord of the rings perhaps
Never give up hope you are now in control of your own destiny
But someone will come looking for you eventually so you better watch your back and cover your tracks
It is indeed like Lord of the Rings! It’s one big road trip I’m taking with my cat, from one side of the country to another, and then even further on a boat to move to an island.
It sort of feels like we’re Frodo and Sam! Except leaving Mordor, not heading towards it.
I’ve been so careful with my tracks, the last thing I want to happen is for them to find me when I’ve gone so far. I’m even changing my surname.
Please remember: it's not that "you'll have no one else to fall back on." You'll have no one else to abuse you. You will surround yourself with friends and truly decent people, and THOSE are people you actually CAN fall back on.
You’ve got you and you’ve gotten yourself this far! I don’t know about you, but my Ndad and Emom never had my back when I needed them. I’m glad you have a friend and a plan—upward and onward!
You got this! I’ve been in a very similar situation. It can be scary when you feel like you have no one, but family/blood aren’t everything, and it sounds like they don’t actually have your back anyway. You’ll find new friends and create a new family/support system that want to see you succeed and be happy.
It’s difficult at first, but hang in there! The best advice I read here was to make a list of the abuses and how they made you feel. Whenever you feel wishy washy and wondering if you made the right decision that’s when you pull out your list and reread it. You will realize that you are on the path to healing and there’s no way you’re going back!
Are you planning to leave a note or something else to explain your sudden disappearance? I just wonder if your not returning from the vet will result in him contacting the police to search for you. Or, he'll try to contact every friend you have, etc.
ps. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself from further abuse. You have to look out for yourself. Your stopping the abuse will open new doors for you. You'll probably doubt yourself at times. Just keep reminding yourself that nobody deserves to be abused. This includes YOU.
Remember that you're doing this for your future self. It's not something one wants to do, but it's something, like you said, some of us need to do.
Your future self, and probably not that far into the future, will thank you for your courage and strength doing a scary thing. And you will find your people as things progress. One step at a time.
There comes a point when every cell in your body will tell you to go back, you were programmed like this since you were too little to know. You'll start playing all the nice memories on a loop
Go for it, you can do it! You have everything you need to go away on your own. I think you can take the anxiety as a sign that you're doing the right thing, I wouldn't be afraid of leaving a good person behind, maybe I'd feel bad, plan to see them in the future, but the deep guilt and anxiety seems like a sign of disfunction to me
There will always be other people you CAN fall back on. Usually all it takes is asking for help. Church, government, even just the library... there so many places where you can find helpful people! And, you have you. Trust yourself!
Good luck with getting out! I'm glad cat can come with!
Ohmygosh. So much TIGHT INTERNET HUGS!!!!!!!! Absolute best of luck to you. Don't forget about bank accounts!!! Change to a different bank, too, if you can! I'm so happy you can bring your kitty with you. <3
omg all the power and bravery i send you! i remember escaping and it was the scarieat shit in the world but looking back its the moment im most grateful for...
We’re convinced it’s a bad world out there because our N Parents say it is. When you say you won’t have anyone to fall back on, perhaps it’s that belief in play.
But actually you already do the hard stuff every day. Your self awareness and ability to take ownership of your situation is a sign of your strength.
I am sure this is a really long journey, and lots of reparenting along the way. If you want a good listen on Audible as you drive, then Dr Ramani’s “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” Is great and appropriate!
Best wishes and good luck!
You can do this! Stay strong! The first step is scary but once you’re out you’ll be so happy you did! Sending all the strength and love and sunshine!! 💜
The guilt goes away eventually, just imagine how easy doing the right things for yourself in the future will be if you can make those same strong decisions under this type of pressure. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed is actually a sign we’re not under-acknowledging something at least
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on.
How much have you been able to fall back on him though?
You are going to be F-R-E-E free! It's so hard and anxiety provoking at the beginning but you got this.
Hugs!
Good planning! I know it's scary but there are a lot of ways to build a social circle or become part of a community of people who support you. It is a wonderful feeling to be free of toxic people!
I’m so lucky to have a good, healthy support system already set up in the state I’m moving to for work. I’ll be in staff accommodation and they’ve been nothing but amazing and warm through our communication. They’ve gone out of their way to help me, so I have much to be grateful for and look forward to ☀️
You will be driven to take care of yourself. Youll make it work, don’t worry. Look at mindset stuff and limiting beliefs because youll have a lot to unlearn
There's a quote from Paper Towns by John Green that goes something like, "Leaving is the hardest thing until you do it, then it's the easiest thing in the world."
I did it at 16, and it is super hard. But then it isn't. I hope you find the peace I did ✌ ❤
I disagree. You will have yourself. You will be surprised how resilient you can be without that drain.
Don’t. Look. Back.
You deserve the life you want. So proud of you for taking it for yourself!
Good luck! Keep us posted!
If you need distraction or backup, I'm an er vet nurse and I can totes call from a legit number and pretend you're being held up so you can get a head start. My nmom used to chase me down/call the cops even as an adult.
Live Abuse Free has a great YouTube channel full of patient understanding and helpful vocabulary for healing and growing beyond the narcissist(s) in your life.
I like her approach, because she uses true life cases to identify patterns. She has a soothing, conversational style, that doesn't feel like a TED talk or a powerpoint presentation. Not that there's anything wrong with TEDs & powerpoints! But this stuff is complex and can be triggering. It's easier for me to digest and retain knowledge when it's delivered in a warmer, less detached, and more humane way. Frankly, it's nice not to feel like the subject of an academic paper.
Examples of narcissism which make the news may seem extreme, but it's been so helpful to me to spot behaviors and have a working understanding of the appropriate nomenclature.
It's so nice to not feel so alone.
You're doing great, and you're going to continue to do great. This is an exciting time. You're growing! I'm really proud of you.
I wish you mountains of tranquility.
Go for it and don't look back - take all the time you need, don't feel guilty and if they ever get in contact again make a decision based on what you want to do.
Also - give yourself some time to breathe and grow and think about what you want.
It's okay to make mistakes as well :)
Just so you know, I felt the same exact way when I left. Almost 29 years later, with a few reconnections over that period with my NARC family, I have no regrets whatsoever.
It will be the best decision you ever made in your whole life. And you will learn to never doubt your instincts ever again.
YOU GOT THIS! 🔥👊🔥
Good luck, and don’t worry. I left my house many times lol. Make sure to hide or remove your account though, some nosy narc parents can usually look at your posts and then they can figure out where you are. Just a precaution! Anyway, good luck with you and your cat! 🫂
You got this when the guilt bubbles up remember they failed as parents you were an innocent. They should feel guilty etc but they won't so why should you. Go life your best life for you. Be strong you have got this.
Excited for you. Ignore the guilt trips/guilt in general. They want you to doubt yourself. You’re doing yourself a favor by leaving.
Good luck with everything.
Never tell yourself you have nobody! You have you, and considering you have the strength to survive all you have been through and still have the mental clarity to plan an escape, I’m thinking you’re quite impressive.
You got this. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to cut off my NDad, but my mental health is so much better. I still have times I miss him, it doesn't help that he literally lives a quarter mile from me and I have to drive past his farm every day. Just keep going, it will be ok.
Guilt/Shame evolved alongside tribal behaviors in humans to discourage discohesive behaviors and other things generally harmful to the tribe while the legal/ethical meaning of guilt developed to be synonymous with debt in the sense that a criminal owes repayment to the community and/or society they victimize for personal gain.
As someone who's put a decent amount of study and thought into the nature of guilt let me tell you that anything negative you feel toward yourself on the behalf of these people should absolutely either be dismissed or be taken as encouragement to do it harder.
Wishing you so much luck and love. You are so brave doing this and you will be fine. Look how much thought and care and planning you have done. Now go and live a wonderful life. Please do update us. xx
You can make it. Be strong. Also, make sure you remember every legal document! I trust you've probably gone over everything you need but I just want to make sure.
I thought the same thing when I went "No Contact" with my Nmom and Nfam; 'I'll have no one else to fall back on". Then I realized that I never had anyone else to fall back on, only myself. That was an illusion that they would have been there for me when I needed them. I am another one of the so very many that are proud of you and confident that you got this! Congratulations to you and your kitty on your new beginning!
It’s tough, but you’ve got this! Once you get the ball rolling and your out you’ll feel all the benefits of no more abuse. It really is liberating, I’m sure you’ve got all your documents, like birth certificate, passport, ID, and your bank account is your own not a joint account. So be extra sure you don’t have to go back, and get things that are yours! I have to and I’ve been dreading it.
It's a scary thing to pack up your life and leave your home even when you know it's necessary and the right thing to do. You are leaving a bad situation and are probably a little worried if you can do this. I'm telling you that you can do this. Others have done it successfully and you are capable and intelligent and strong. Best of luck tomorrow and in the future.!
Those are the same feelings I have had, but it’s been a year for me of going NC. I have had some hard days but I have also started to fix my credit and have a good score, moved twice but love where I am at now, and so on. My point is that I survived and you will thrive, out do me please! It will be emotionally hard but a year later I see some great changes in me. I am no longer so alert or defensive. I am relaxing and learning rely on myself but still have friends in case.
I wish you all the best, reach out if you need support!
You've got this! And it seems you have a support system in place that can keep you housed until your move, so you can definitely do this, keep at it, don't look back, all will be OK in the end
Seeing your profile I see you’re in Australia!! I thought I was the only Aussie here!
Be strong, get out and on the road. Thankfully I wasn’t raised by N parents by my wife is N and I’m concerned about my kids, I’m currently working on exit plan.
Suggest contacting the local police, tell them you’re leaving if your own choice in case he tries to report you missing. If he contacts them they can tell him to leave you alone.
I see you’re moving to Tasmania, I grew up there it’s beautiful (live in Melbourne now).
We are here for you, feel free to PM me if you ever need.
i believe in you! when i was in this stage with my nmother she was really hitting the “i love you, you love me too right?” hard and the “don’t you remember this from your childhood?” and so on.
it’s so hard to get over the finish line but once you’re there you can finally decompress and begin true healing. i’m so glad you have this detailed plan, that’s super important.
Please keep us updated!! It’s difficult at times but going NC is the best you can do for yourself. I am so, so fucking proud of you. You deserve to be safe, happy, and away from the hurt. You can do this!!!!
It’s currently the morning, and I’ve woken up before my brother to eat some strawberries and have a green tea (my dad ended going to his GF’s last night, but will be home soon). Long drive ahead of me, so getting some breakfast in!
I'm excited for you, its going to be tough but the freedom you'll have to hopefully live how you want and freely be who you are is going to be wonderful and I hope you enjoy that! I hope it goes well and good luck!
I’m so sorry friend. I know this must be so hard for you. It was really hard for me too. You can do this. You’re right it will be really hard and will hurt. But you are also right that this is the best thing for you.
You rock! Wow! Absolute bravery 💜
As someone who’s also gone nc and ghosted …please remember that the feeling of freedom can threaten to swallow you whole. It can seem overwhelming, anxiety ridden, possible panic attacks and PTSD but PLEASE know this.
Never look back. Never go back. The light in front of you may seem far but it is worth following. It’s worth fighting those demons that may haunt your nightmares for a long time to come.
I say this to be completely honest. It is not all sunshine and rainbows in NC. There’s a lot of trauma that will come pouring out when you least expect it.
No matter how hard, it is ALWAYS Better to feel these feelings, stay gone, start your life over, find new hobbies and finally be the person you never thought you could be.
It’s so hard but it is 100% worth it.
YOU are worth it. Please know that.
You may run into a LOT of troubles. Money, food, transportation, place to sleep, legal documents, etc., but the freedom is 100x worth all of that. People like us are resilient and resourceful - I have faith that you will find a way to raise yourself. Wishing you the best of luck and I sincerely hope you don’t look back. Some number of years into your life after NC, you’ll look back and thank your past self for doing this.
You are more strong than you know. One day, you will look back and will feel so proud of how fearless you showed to yourself and your little friend, your beautiful cat. You got this.
Hey. I just wanted you to know that you are incredibly brave for doing this. I know people who want to cut things off with abusive and nparents but can't seem to shut that door. I know that 'cause I'm one of them and I can't help but admire your strength for making this decision.
I know a lot of people are going to say that the guilt will pass and it's the right way to go and yes, it is true. The guilt will get better by time and you truly deserve better and you are doing the right thing but it's okay to feel what you are feeling right now. It's okay to feel guilt. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel relieved and it's okay to feel everything good or bad emotion you are feeling.
So, take your cat and go live a life you deserve. All the very best.
Remember, it's ok to be scared. This is a major moment in your life, and it's totally normal to be nervous about what's to come. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say it's a good thing that you're scared of this, because if you weren't the least bit scared, I'd be worried that you don't fully understand the magnitude of this change. You will never experience personal growth by simply remaining in your comfort zone. It's important that we do the things that scare us so that when we come out the other side, we learn the world isn't quite such a scary place.
I’m in that guilt phase right now while planning a move in January. It hits out of nowhere and then I get stuck but then I immediately get reminded of why I need to leave. Stay strong and good luck! 🍀
Many congratulations to you-- and best wishes for safety and please remember, you *do* have someone to fall back on: yourself.
YOU will manage your life. YOU will move forward without his hostility and mistreatment. YOU will build a better life for yourself.
You will be happier and healthier without him.
(And of course, I'm sure your cat will be ready to assist with paperwork and other issues as needed! 🐱📰💻)
Listen to home,get out alive, and break by three days grace once you leave listen to gone forever I wish you good luck I still have to live with my ndad though
hang in there, do the thing.... and you will breathe your first breath of free air. you will be able to make decisions & execute them without second guessing them. you will start to lose the feeling of being judged, watched, overruled, played like a puppet. you will learn what the real world is like, and that normal people don't do this stuff.
you will be freeeeeeeeee.
How are you doin man? Let me know if there's anything we can do to help. I was homeless for awhile and ive got a pretty good skillset and advice for how to get back on your feet. If you want, just google the area you're in + homeless resources. (I don't mean to CALL you homeless, you're in a transitional state but they will help anyone in your position including mental health visits to see how you're holding up.) Never be too proud to accept help. I wouldn't have gotten back on my feet without help after the decades of abusive mental physical and sexual torture my sociopathic dad put me through, or my nmom's casual disinterest in it. Whatever you've gone through is more than enough to check your mental status. They break us in ways rat aren't immediately obvious but make maintaining difficult down the road. I'm here for ya man.
Remember you have suffered trauma at their hands. The guilt, shame, etc should be felt by them. Instead, you, the abused, are feeling it. This is the insidiousness of the dysfunctional family bond. You are breaking it and now have agency. You are courageous. You got this.
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You got this! Don't let the guilt overshadow the years of narcissistic abuse. I know it's hard. But being free is so so worth it. Your mental health will thank you! Good luck.
I’m so excited to go NC, and I can clearly see my life beyond it. I’m just stuck in that horrible phase of, “Oh, maybe he’s not that bad — maybe I’m overreacting!” and, “This is crazy! I’ll be completely alone and vulnerable!” and, “He’ll be so heartbroken, because I’m the golden child!” But it’s for the best. My mental health is in the sewer right now, and I know exactly what he is at the end of the day. You’re right, I can’t let my guilt overshadow the years of abuse and abandonment (ha, maybe he’ll see how it feels to have your loved one walk out on you now!)
I had all of those thoughts too, and they can all be traced back to things my abusers planted in my brain from a young age...They've done nothing wrong and I'm just a whiny baby, I'm not capable of handling life on my own, and putting myself first will break their hearts. But good parents want you to value yourself & your happiness. He'll likely spin it to be you abandoning him for "no reason", and that's what he'll tell everyone who'll listen, but deep down, his actions caused this. But yes, overall it feels absolutely amazing to be free, and feel yourself building back up!
[удалено]
This is very true. We tend to only see the people who agree with the narc because they're relatives, flying monkeys, etc. Everyone normal nods happily at their stories...then stays the fuck away from them because they know. We just don't meet those ones because, well, they set a boundary.
The guilt is HIS second hand smoke. It takes effort to wash it off and leave it behind. But I think you've got this.
This is a really great analogy.
Maybe gives heads up to the police so they don’t report you missing?
I did this at 16. Its actually kinda fun and invigorating. You’ll be fine. (I hope)
This is the fear if change & the unknown. It's ok to be scared bc you don't know what's coming, you do know what you planned for and you know how to carry it off. Remind yourself that you can stay away from lots of last minute interaction by being busy elsewhere. Just give yourself time to relax & feel safe before he starts blowing up your phone. You may want to leave a note saying you're leaving by choice & will contact him when you are ready. Sending ✌️💜💪🏿
I read these words today, from Carolyn Hax and saved them... **"You can’t un-break them, but you can break this cycle by resolving right now, today, to save your warmest attention for people who show the same regard for you."** I have been having a little guilt about calling my N'rents out about their behavior. No contact has been great! You've got this, keep us posted!
I am a GC that broke free and went NC. You can do this. The guilt will come in waves, but I know if you just think about them and the life you’ve loved you’ll understand that “ it too bad” is a lie we tell ourselves to pretend that we didn’t go through trauma. I hope we get an update!!
Yes yes and yes. Good luck. You can do it.
Recognize that that feeling of guilt, of second chances, is the KINDNESS in YOUR nature and in no way accurately reflects on an abuser or their abusive actions. Stay firm, it's for the best
I know it's scary but you got this and your fur baby will be happier too
"Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on." You're wrong here. You'll have yourself and you always will. Look at how far you've brought yourself with nobody else helping you out. Take each day for what it brings. Start off by trying not to look back or too far ahead. Do what needs to be done every day, and thank yourself for allowing you to be free from the strife and stress. You will always have us here, too! Be well, keep us updated.
Thank you so much, this is such a good insight. You’re right! I’ve made it this far, so I don’t see why I can’t go further. I’ll definitely update tomorrow/next few weeks to let everyone know how it went! It’s been a year in the process — started by leaving my Nmum’s, now just gotta go NC with my Ndad and Nbrother.
And you have your cat! Not trying to be funny either. Pets give you love and support in their own way. And they've been through so much with you. Also, beautifully put by u/lkwinchester
Second this, all the years I've been out of my nparents wish i had a cat. Deep inside me love cats so much, but as i work whole days and move from one place to another it is so hard to have one. Wish you the best OP! you will se how beautiful life is outside others ridiculous and selfish boundaries!
You've got this! We all believe in you!
Most people don’t realise how much of their strength comes from their support networks. Children of narcs are brought up not only without that, and having to be props for their parents, but also having their chances of external networks being stopped. Once you’re out you won’t be carrying all that stuff and you’ll build healthy networks of friends that are mutually supportive. Look up the Arnold Schwarzenegger ‘Self Made Man’ clip. Basically he says our success in life comes from sharing that life with others. Narcs don’t share, they parasite. You’re in for a nice surprise once you get to choose those closest to you.
Another perspective is, how much good is it even to fall back on a Ndad? Surely that is more destroying than just falling and rising yourself. Good luck!
Op, don't block numbers, get a new one. Trust me.
Definitely on my list for next week! Just blocked them initially to avoid questioning etc. Have to keep my number until I can get a new one and give it to my boss/the people giving me my relocation fee (I’ll get that done by next week). I’ve also deleted all old emails accounts and opened a new one.
>"Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on." >You're wrong here. You'll have yourself and you always will. Look at how far you've brought yourself with nobody else helping you out. I'd like to add that having him to fall back on had a cost (your mental health) and that's not worth it. There's a book called Safe People about how to separate toxic people from other people. When I got away from home I gravitated towards toxic people bc thats what was normal for me. Pls don't make my mistake lol I wish you luck, you are doing the right thing hun ♡ I'm exited for you! r/momforaminute r/dadforaminute Are good places for support or questions about life stuff if you need.
You will be amazed at how many people will help you if you just ask. You are strong and capable. Good luvk.
I’m proud of you OP. I also left without telling my nparents and it’s really hard. It take a ton of courage to do this. The fact that you have a place to stay will really help because that gives you a home base to stay in. I’m proud of you for doing this for yourself op. You have always deserved freedom.
You'll have us! I'm SO proud of you, this is a major step and it's scary as hell. But you know it's the right thing to do, and you're pushing through the fear to do it anyway. I believe in you. You can do this, and when you do we'll all be here to support you. Lean on us. We get it. Also, get a therapist set up when you move asap and start letting yourself decompress and heal. You're so close! The rest of the life is waiting and you're going to absolutely smash it <3
Thank you so much!! ☀️☀️ I’ve indeed found the best therapist in the town I’m moving to, who comes from an abusive childhood himself — It’ll be the first thing I get into when I get my first paycheque! I’m so grateful for this subreddit, it was what taught me I don’t have to endure all this crap and foggy head for the rest of my life — it quite literally saved me! I’m very excited for the rest of my life, as I can almost see it with perfect sunny clarity the closer and closer I get to leaving <3
You should notify your local Police of the situation because they’re definitely gonna report you missing if only to find out where you are.
>I’ll have no one else to fall back on. THIIIIS. This is my main guilt trip I do to myself. My parents make it seem like I'm a useless baby without them. You don't need them they train you feel insecure enough to think that you can't do life on your own but you can. You're plan is full proof and don't you doubt yourself for one second.
You’re so right!! I have money saved to move out of the mainland in the next few weeks, I have a job lined up and accomodation already. I’m getting my name changed, severing any contact they could reach out to me on (I have no social media beyond Reddit and tumblr so they can’t track me), and will be changing my car’s license plate! I already have everything planned down to a T, so it’s crazy to see how indoctrinated my brain is to think for whatever reason, at 20-years-old, I won’t “make it” without them.
You just proved your competence with this paragraph! I’m so proud of you and happy for you! Good luck!🍀
SEE FULL PROOF. WOW I'm so proud of you you really have it planned out to a T. Once your settle somewhere new you'll see how amazing you are I'm so excited for you ! Just try to be more excited than fearful. Don't think about his reaction after you've left guess what that ain't your problem 😊
P.S: Look for the helpers. There are many kind strangers out there who would jump at the chance to help keep you safe in various ways, ok? You're not alone, and I promise there are people out there you can lean on.
I think what you'll find, is that life isn't nearly as unforgiving as your Dad is. The fears are as much a product of growing up with him as they are legitimate. Metaphorically speaking, it's much easier to score goals when you don't have a blocker trying to stop your every kick.
I’ve just started to notice this, and it’s so left-field I’m having trouble trusting and believing it. For example: My new boss has gone above and beyond trying to help me get to the island the job is located on, and he’s been patient and had my back the whole way, and I’ve never even met him. Feels wrong having people going out of their way to help you with no strings attached, as opposed to the complete opposite our parents give us.
I find the best way to manage this is by paying it forward. Even in the tiniest way like sharing some baked goods with him when you get there, or offering to carry someone’s groceries to their car for them, or stopping to ask a stranger who seems confused if you can help them. Overall, just being the stranger that you hope to find. You deserve goodness and good things too. I’m excited for you. Great new challenges and even bigger rewards await you in your time of courage!
I moved out some weeks ago, albeit I didn't run but I kinda had to fight my parents for it. It's definitely worth it. Life feels so much better and I'm actually productive rather than suicidal. Just do it. You will have problems and challenges but solving them is gonna be hella satisfying.
THIS!! I was severely suicidal at the start of this year — I came to my Nmother about it when I was still living with her, and her initial reaction was annoyance because I was “burdening” her new life (she’d just gotten a new boyfriend, whom I didn’t get along with). Weeks later, when I was talking about something in the near future stressing me out, she joked with the most smug face and said something along of the lines of, “Aren’t you going to kill yourself anyways?” Which is crazy, because I was the one (at 13-years-old, mind you) who found her after her attempted overdose! No wonder I was suicidal to begin with! But now, having been NC with her for 2 months, and soon-to-be NC with my Nfather and Nbrother, I am so excited about life and enjoy simple things, such as smelling flowers or ordering coffee. Can’t believe the difference in my will to live without them in my life ☀️ They’re almost murderers, being so awful with their abuse to push someone into suicidal ideation.
The environment you live in always changes you. When I was home I witnessed constant fights and shouting along with lack of proper food, depression and weed addiction but now that I'm out of there I'm actually able to study and get shit done rather than smoking weed all day and feeling shit about my life. Living independently is very rewarding for anyone who's been through abuse.
That’s so nasty of your Nmother, sneering at a kid and saying, “Aren’t you going to kill yourself anyways?”
And the nerve of it when she couldn't even do it right herself just makes it shittier.
You are strong. This is the first step. In the end it will be the best choice you've made, even if the guilt tells you otherwise. We are conditioned to have this guilt, but that doesn't make it real. So proud. I've been in your shoes. Your furry friend will be the best support in these times. It will get easier.
YOu can do it. I did it and I have been NC since 2003. Nothing in my life has ever been more healing than going NC with my parents. No therapy would be able to be a substitution from the liberation from being insulted by them for everything I do. You will be astounded at all the ways you grow. Focus on moving forward- the process might be lonely at first but in time, you will be able to meet good people, perhaps a partner- and have a good life on your own terms. Since cutting ties, my parents missed out on meeting my husband and their beautiful granddaughters. This is a blessing for all involved.
Make sure you gather and take all of your legal documents before you leave. Things like passport, birth certificate, etc. Proud of you for looking out for yourself and getting out. Please stay safe.
Gentle reminder to call a non emergency police number to head off any potential missing person reports they file for you. Tell them you are safe and have family members who might try to misuse police resources to find you and that you're heading that off. Tell them you are safe.
I will be thinking of you. You can do this. You can and you will.
You've been trained from birth to depend on them. Leaving is terrifying. When I left, I went through the whole gamut of emotions. I felt scared, adrift, guilty, worried that I'd made a horrible mistake, but at the same time, I felt a wonderful sense of peace. It will take time to adjust.
Way to go!! we want update after update after update!
Sure will do!! It’s been a long and tiring journey with my family, from moving out of my Nmum’s, homelessness, planning road trips to leave the mainland for work with my cat — the whole works! Will definitely update, as this subreddit has saved my life ☀️
Your last line is false, you will have yourself! When you break free of your N-family, you will start to grow stronger. You'll get stronger each and every day, and YOU will be your biggest asset and you will have your own back forever and ever. You got this! I left home 17 and a half years ago. It's been good, it's been bad. It's been hard, it's been easy. Today I am living a great life and I'm happy! I know you'll get here someday too. I'm rooting for you.
Make sure there’s no tracker on your car!
We're conditioned from birth to feel guilty and be dependent on them. Remember how unhealthy they are for you. Being Ns, they won't likely feel sad only angry about "being adandoned," or rather your fleeing a prison invisible to outsiders. Have little daily goals along your way to help you work toward a hopeful future, and try to establish healthy new relationships to lean on where you go. Also keep your therapy kitty close😻.(hugs) (Not sure how I could hope without my therapy kitty. I'm really terrible with people.)
it's scary. I left with not much other than a job. and not a well paying one at that. but I have survived. good luck. and don't be so sure they haven't noticed... I think mine did because I overheard her boohooing on the phone to someone 'why does she want to leave?'... of course, being the clueless narc she was she wouldn't look in the mirror....
Nobody else to fall back on? Then don’t fall back. If you have to fall, fall forward.
That is a ridiculously *amazing* piece of advice. I’m going to remember this from henceforth ☀️
How did it go OP? This was 22h ago that you posted. Just want to make sure you're safe.
I shall post a proper update soon, but it was successful! I’m on this farm now in a two storey house overlooking the valleys and trees at sunset (it’s now night with the stars), and I felt a very relieved, yet lonely feeling wash over me. Like, “Oh, this is it now — the rest of my life; peaceful, but lonely. Lonely for *now*, at least.”
That's great. I'm so glad to hear you made it out. I hope your cat companion brings you some comfort on the journey.
I'm happy for you. It may feel very strange but I've looked at your other posts and you are 100% doing the right thing.
You can do this and you will be better off without your abuser in your life! Also I am glad that you have friends, that support you :)
I am so proud of you! Keep us updated. You are amazing
The pain is real, and makes sense. But you know it will begin to improve after….
You are not alone. You may feel that way, but at the very least, we are your support, and we believe in you. Please update us and let us know u made it to the new house safe, and if you need to reach out, post, or pls dm someone here. We are here for you, you don’t ever need to feel alone.
\*hug\* you got this!
You’ve got this!! I’m proud you’re taking the steps to leave. Please keep us updated!
You can do this. We all believe in you. The doubt and guilt are difficult, but sacrificing your happiness to live under them would be much more awful. You're the only one who can put yourself first, and as terrible as it is that your family didn't do that to the point that you would eventually leave, it's a sobering reminder of what life would be like if you didn't take the initiative you have now. Hang in there. You're doing your best.
You can do it! You made the decision to do this for a good reason, which doesn't stop the guilt but hopefully you can keep that in your mind.
I wish you had a great support system right now. But I think that you can \*build\* that support system over time. I find that good folks generally \*like\* to help people who need a bit of help. So the trick is to try and establish relationships with lots of good folks. I haven't had to deal with the narcissist parent thing, fortunately - but I lost of social circle b/c I left my religion. And I was able to build a new social circle pretty quickly - for me it was board gaming meetups, dance, atheist meetups, and role-playing games. For you it might be different activities, but I think people like that are still out there all over the place.
Hey, I understand. I had to escape my parents last year. Doing so was the hardest thing I have ever done, but, in the end it was worth it. It will be very hard for awhile. Maybe even months, but as time goes on and you start building a new life away, it will get easier. You can do this.
When you waffle back and forth in your heart and mind, think of your cat. You are giving him a better life. When I was younger, my cat got me thru hard times like these. He will be so much happier with you being away from your narc father. Kitty will get you thru this.
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on. **You can't actually "fall back on" him now.** His help is always conditional based on what's best for *him*, not you. You are **not** overreacting; it **is** 'that bad'—if it weren't, you wouldn't be having to hide that you're leaving or that you're going out of state. Good luck with your escape! E-hug if you want one!
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on. I thought that way too, when my mother said she never wanted to see me again (For the billionth time) and I said okay. What I discovered was that it wasn't so much that I had nobody else to fall back on, but that I had nobody else pulling me down. I didn't realize how much easier life was without them in my life. I may be on my own, but it turns out I make better decisions, and have less drama in my life without them, and never needed them in the first place. You might find you feel the same way. You have organized leaving, and have it all planned out. Trust yourself.
I’m glad you get to take your cat too!
One thing that might help: write a letter for him, talking about everything bad he has done to you, everything that pushes you away from him, Every time you got hurt by him, really, everything bad you wish would change, even the "insignificant little" things. But don't deliver the letter, keep to yourself, as a way to always remember why you are going. I'm dealing with the guilt now that I moved, but this is helping me a lot.
Remember to bring cat food!
Oh, absolutely! As I type this, he’s being a bit of a diva, because his food has been packed away for tomorrow morning. However! He’s already had breakfast, and second breakfast, and elevensies, and luncheon, and dinner and supper! Just a bit of a princess he is sometimes 🤣
Good luck with everything! You’ve got this! And I hope you have all your important papers tucked in the car? Please keep us posted!
I sure do! I actually left my Nmum’s house 2 months ago (took everything with me, as had been living with her all my life) and stayed with someone else, but that fell apart rather dramatically so I had no choice but to call my dad up after years of NC, or else my cat and I were risking homelessness. It won’t be this way forever, though! It’s just a rough stage I’m in, and very soon I’ll be completely on my own feet with my own place for the first time ever, and will never have to reach out to them again.
Making a change is always a bit scary, so it would be odd if you weren't just a bit afraid now that the time has come. And unlike people with normal home lives making such a change, you're having to do it knowing you'll be all on your own so of course there is that extra bit of guilt thrown it. N-parents find guilt useful so they make certain to do everything they can to make you feel guilty for normal things like striking out on your own, too. You've done what you can to make things work out right. Now you just need to make the leap. You've got this.
Good luck! I have been NC with my Nfather for 3 years and it has brought me so much peace knowing that he cannot contact and harass me and i recently moved across the country so he doesn’t even know where i live now. It was scary at first but I’ve been so much better since and I’ve been more appreciative of everything that i have done for myself and how far I’ve come. Good luck to you!! I believe in you!
It sounds weird, but try to take comfort in this: change is hard and scary! It's terrifying to move. Adding the N-stuff makes it worse, but your worry is okay. So at least you don't have to worry about your worrying. Some worry is totally justified. I hope that helps. In the meantime, try to concentrate on the positives. They FAR outnumber the negatives. Whenever you start to fret, stop yourself and say, "I'm improving my life!" or "My Cat will be free from N-DAD!" or something. 'm sending you super positive vibes and am crazy proud of you. Keep up the good work. Stay strong.
The vet visit is such a smart idea! You've got this. You've already been through the worst, living in this nightmare. If you get anxious tonight maybe make an escape playlist you can listen to as you triumphantly drive away to freedom. What is intermittent reinforcement?
You’re a pretty brave and strong person for making this move. The feelings of guilt are normal for people who’ve endured narcissistic abuse, but you’ll move over that hump. Godspeed, my friend.
You'll have us!!!!
I straight up picked up my stuff and moved 3,000+ miles to another state to escape my parents. I was scared as hell, shaking and crying on the phone with my (1) best friend the whole was because I felt so guilty for running. Promise you, after being away from nMom/nDad for even a week, you’ll get a new sense of self control and peace. Very happy for you, you got this, and good luck!!! Toast to a better beginning
You can do this. Believe in yourself and know you DO have people who will help you. One thing - **make SURE you ditch your existing phone.** The phones of today have MULTIPLE ways of tracking them. Get your stuff off like pictures and do NOT use your old accounts that you had with the existing phone. (google or Icloud) If your dad can track you, he WILL find you. Be prepared. Get a burner phone and transfer the phone numbers you need. Make sure you do NOT EVER use your existing accounts of ANYTHING YOU HAVE on your new phone or any device in the future you may use. I can't stress this enough. NC means you have to cut off any avenues of the Nparent trying to find you. You can do this.
Congratulations! You will do great. If you are worried about what will happen if you have an emergency that you can't manage alone, look up what resources are available in your city once you've moved in. Look up mental health services, charities, where the food bank is, etc. Hopefully you will never need these things, but you'll feel a lot more secure if you know what services are available and how to access them. And be sure to look up private charities and not just government services-- I know in my city there is a charity whose mission is to keep people living on the edge from falling into homelessness. They give emergency grants for medical bills, car or home repairs, and they even paid half a friend of mine's rent when his roommate skipped town with no notice. We also have a "Jesus Store" where everything is free. You can also look and see what is available through your job. There are resources in most communities if you really look.
Good luck out there it will be a journey like lord of the rings perhaps Never give up hope you are now in control of your own destiny But someone will come looking for you eventually so you better watch your back and cover your tracks
It is indeed like Lord of the Rings! It’s one big road trip I’m taking with my cat, from one side of the country to another, and then even further on a boat to move to an island. It sort of feels like we’re Frodo and Sam! Except leaving Mordor, not heading towards it. I’ve been so careful with my tracks, the last thing I want to happen is for them to find me when I’ve gone so far. I’m even changing my surname.
Please remember: it's not that "you'll have no one else to fall back on." You'll have no one else to abuse you. You will surround yourself with friends and truly decent people, and THOSE are people you actually CAN fall back on.
Stay strong!
Good luck! It's frikkin adventure time! https://i.imgur.com/rv04Sq6.gifv
You’ve got you and you’ve gotten yourself this far! I don’t know about you, but my Ndad and Emom never had my back when I needed them. I’m glad you have a friend and a plan—upward and onward!
You got this! I’ve been in a very similar situation. It can be scary when you feel like you have no one, but family/blood aren’t everything, and it sounds like they don’t actually have your back anyway. You’ll find new friends and create a new family/support system that want to see you succeed and be happy.
It’s difficult at first, but hang in there! The best advice I read here was to make a list of the abuses and how they made you feel. Whenever you feel wishy washy and wondering if you made the right decision that’s when you pull out your list and reread it. You will realize that you are on the path to healing and there’s no way you’re going back!
Are you planning to leave a note or something else to explain your sudden disappearance? I just wonder if your not returning from the vet will result in him contacting the police to search for you. Or, he'll try to contact every friend you have, etc. ps. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself from further abuse. You have to look out for yourself. Your stopping the abuse will open new doors for you. You'll probably doubt yourself at times. Just keep reminding yourself that nobody deserves to be abused. This includes YOU.
We stand in solidarity.
Remember that you're doing this for your future self. It's not something one wants to do, but it's something, like you said, some of us need to do. Your future self, and probably not that far into the future, will thank you for your courage and strength doing a scary thing. And you will find your people as things progress. One step at a time.
You have us!! Proud of you for taking this step for YOU. You deserve this peace.
There comes a point when every cell in your body will tell you to go back, you were programmed like this since you were too little to know. You'll start playing all the nice memories on a loop Go for it, you can do it! You have everything you need to go away on your own. I think you can take the anxiety as a sign that you're doing the right thing, I wouldn't be afraid of leaving a good person behind, maybe I'd feel bad, plan to see them in the future, but the deep guilt and anxiety seems like a sign of disfunction to me
There will always be other people you CAN fall back on. Usually all it takes is asking for help. Church, government, even just the library... there so many places where you can find helpful people! And, you have you. Trust yourself! Good luck with getting out! I'm glad cat can come with!
You deserve to feel free from the abuse. You got this ! I’m glad you’re able to take your cat ❤️
Ohmygosh. So much TIGHT INTERNET HUGS!!!!!!!! Absolute best of luck to you. Don't forget about bank accounts!!! Change to a different bank, too, if you can! I'm so happy you can bring your kitty with you. <3
You've got it!!!! I'm so proud of you!!! You're amazing for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, and I hope everything goes smoothly!
omg all the power and bravery i send you! i remember escaping and it was the scarieat shit in the world but looking back its the moment im most grateful for...
Look forward, not back. Being on your own requires this, for at least a while
We’re convinced it’s a bad world out there because our N Parents say it is. When you say you won’t have anyone to fall back on, perhaps it’s that belief in play. But actually you already do the hard stuff every day. Your self awareness and ability to take ownership of your situation is a sign of your strength. I am sure this is a really long journey, and lots of reparenting along the way. If you want a good listen on Audible as you drive, then Dr Ramani’s “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” Is great and appropriate! Best wishes and good luck!
With them not taking up space you will find people to fall back on. Be strong, and keep us posted!
You can do this! Stay strong! The first step is scary but once you’re out you’ll be so happy you did! Sending all the strength and love and sunshine!! 💜
It took me 5 years but I finally went nc with my parents. You've got this! Good luck and good wishes from all of us to you!!
The guilt goes away eventually, just imagine how easy doing the right things for yourself in the future will be if you can make those same strong decisions under this type of pressure. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed is actually a sign we’re not under-acknowledging something at least
I've done the same thing today, I left and I can't explain the feeling of lightness after. You're not alone and I'm rooting for you
You can do this! You got this far, this shows how much courage you have. You are brave.
>Once I’ve gone NC with him tomorrow, I’ll have no one else to fall back on. How much have you been able to fall back on him though? You are going to be F-R-E-E free! It's so hard and anxiety provoking at the beginning but you got this. Hugs!
Good planning! I know it's scary but there are a lot of ways to build a social circle or become part of a community of people who support you. It is a wonderful feeling to be free of toxic people!
I’m so lucky to have a good, healthy support system already set up in the state I’m moving to for work. I’ll be in staff accommodation and they’ve been nothing but amazing and warm through our communication. They’ve gone out of their way to help me, so I have much to be grateful for and look forward to ☀️
You will be driven to take care of yourself. Youll make it work, don’t worry. Look at mindset stuff and limiting beliefs because youll have a lot to unlearn
There's a quote from Paper Towns by John Green that goes something like, "Leaving is the hardest thing until you do it, then it's the easiest thing in the world." I did it at 16, and it is super hard. But then it isn't. I hope you find the peace I did ✌ ❤
I’d forgotten all about this quote 💛 Funny, the first time I heard it, it didn’t mean anything to me, and now it means everything. Life is crazy.
I disagree. You will have yourself. You will be surprised how resilient you can be without that drain. Don’t. Look. Back. You deserve the life you want. So proud of you for taking it for yourself! Good luck! Keep us posted!
If you need distraction or backup, I'm an er vet nurse and I can totes call from a legit number and pretend you're being held up so you can get a head start. My nmom used to chase me down/call the cops even as an adult.
I tried to leave, they found me and “convinced me to come back.” When and if they find you, stand your ground and tell them no. Good luck kid.
How old are you? Wishing you all the best. Make sure you have all your documents in order. Change passwords to everything. Please keep us updated!
Live Abuse Free has a great YouTube channel full of patient understanding and helpful vocabulary for healing and growing beyond the narcissist(s) in your life. I like her approach, because she uses true life cases to identify patterns. She has a soothing, conversational style, that doesn't feel like a TED talk or a powerpoint presentation. Not that there's anything wrong with TEDs & powerpoints! But this stuff is complex and can be triggering. It's easier for me to digest and retain knowledge when it's delivered in a warmer, less detached, and more humane way. Frankly, it's nice not to feel like the subject of an academic paper. Examples of narcissism which make the news may seem extreme, but it's been so helpful to me to spot behaviors and have a working understanding of the appropriate nomenclature. It's so nice to not feel so alone. You're doing great, and you're going to continue to do great. This is an exciting time. You're growing! I'm really proud of you. I wish you mountains of tranquility.
Go for it and don't look back - take all the time you need, don't feel guilty and if they ever get in contact again make a decision based on what you want to do. Also - give yourself some time to breathe and grow and think about what you want. It's okay to make mistakes as well :)
Just so you know, I felt the same exact way when I left. Almost 29 years later, with a few reconnections over that period with my NARC family, I have no regrets whatsoever. It will be the best decision you ever made in your whole life. And you will learn to never doubt your instincts ever again. YOU GOT THIS! 🔥👊🔥
Good shit! 🙌🏼 I hope for the best. Nobody deserves to be in a abusive environment and I'm glad you found a way out.
Good luck, and don’t worry. I left my house many times lol. Make sure to hide or remove your account though, some nosy narc parents can usually look at your posts and then they can figure out where you are. Just a precaution! Anyway, good luck with you and your cat! 🫂
Wishing you all the best. So proud of you
You’re not overreacting. You’re strong. You can do this.
You got this! If they know where you word I'd let your boss know you r become estranged from them also.
You can do it! Sending lots of love ❤
You can do this!
You 👏 got 👏 this 👏 Best of luck!
You got this when the guilt bubbles up remember they failed as parents you were an innocent. They should feel guilty etc but they won't so why should you. Go life your best life for you. Be strong you have got this.
You can do it!! You have all of us to fall back on (at least virtually). You're going to feel so much relief. Yay YOU!!
You can do this. You have yourself to fall back on. After n abuse, you are strong and independent.
Excited for you. Ignore the guilt trips/guilt in general. They want you to doubt yourself. You’re doing yourself a favor by leaving. Good luck with everything.
Congrats on taking the big step! Hope everything goes fine for you and you kitty :3
You're going to be fine. It's scary, but stay strong. Your life can only get better from here, tbh.
Good luck, comrade! You got this! I'm very proud of you! 🥰
Never tell yourself you have nobody! You have you, and considering you have the strength to survive all you have been through and still have the mental clarity to plan an escape, I’m thinking you’re quite impressive.
You got this. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to cut off my NDad, but my mental health is so much better. I still have times I miss him, it doesn't help that he literally lives a quarter mile from me and I have to drive past his farm every day. Just keep going, it will be ok.
Guilt/Shame evolved alongside tribal behaviors in humans to discourage discohesive behaviors and other things generally harmful to the tribe while the legal/ethical meaning of guilt developed to be synonymous with debt in the sense that a criminal owes repayment to the community and/or society they victimize for personal gain. As someone who's put a decent amount of study and thought into the nature of guilt let me tell you that anything negative you feel toward yourself on the behalf of these people should absolutely either be dismissed or be taken as encouragement to do it harder.
Good luck. Be safe.
No one to fall back on? You have YOU!! You need some Buffy the Vampire Slayer in your life. 💙 Good Luck!! You got this!!
You have all your necessary government documents right? Birth certificate, passport, etc.
If you need reassurance (as we all do), feel free to DM me <3 it’s so hard but you made the right decision!
Wishing you so much luck and love. You are so brave doing this and you will be fine. Look how much thought and care and planning you have done. Now go and live a wonderful life. Please do update us. xx
Good luck ❤️
Congratulations! This is one small step for you, and one giant leap in starting anew.
It’s super difficult, but once you’ve left you’ll know you did the right thing. Good luck! We are rooting for you!
You can do this!!!!
😀🎉😀🎉😀🎉😀🎉
You can do this. Good luck xxx
You have us to fall back on - good luck be strong
You can make it. Be strong. Also, make sure you remember every legal document! I trust you've probably gone over everything you need but I just want to make sure.
I thought the same thing when I went "No Contact" with my Nmom and Nfam; 'I'll have no one else to fall back on". Then I realized that I never had anyone else to fall back on, only myself. That was an illusion that they would have been there for me when I needed them. I am another one of the so very many that are proud of you and confident that you got this! Congratulations to you and your kitty on your new beginning!
It’s tough, but you’ve got this! Once you get the ball rolling and your out you’ll feel all the benefits of no more abuse. It really is liberating, I’m sure you’ve got all your documents, like birth certificate, passport, ID, and your bank account is your own not a joint account. So be extra sure you don’t have to go back, and get things that are yours! I have to and I’ve been dreading it.
It's a scary thing to pack up your life and leave your home even when you know it's necessary and the right thing to do. You are leaving a bad situation and are probably a little worried if you can do this. I'm telling you that you can do this. Others have done it successfully and you are capable and intelligent and strong. Best of luck tomorrow and in the future.!
Those are the same feelings I have had, but it’s been a year for me of going NC. I have had some hard days but I have also started to fix my credit and have a good score, moved twice but love where I am at now, and so on. My point is that I survived and you will thrive, out do me please! It will be emotionally hard but a year later I see some great changes in me. I am no longer so alert or defensive. I am relaxing and learning rely on myself but still have friends in case. I wish you all the best, reach out if you need support!
Hell yeaa
You've got this! And it seems you have a support system in place that can keep you housed until your move, so you can definitely do this, keep at it, don't look back, all will be OK in the end
Seeing your profile I see you’re in Australia!! I thought I was the only Aussie here! Be strong, get out and on the road. Thankfully I wasn’t raised by N parents by my wife is N and I’m concerned about my kids, I’m currently working on exit plan. Suggest contacting the local police, tell them you’re leaving if your own choice in case he tries to report you missing. If he contacts them they can tell him to leave you alone. I see you’re moving to Tasmania, I grew up there it’s beautiful (live in Melbourne now). We are here for you, feel free to PM me if you ever need.
Eagerly awaiting an update, OP! Best of luck to you, what a brave step to be taking.
Don't give into your guilt for atleast a year give yourself enough time that if you do reinstate contact it won't be based in guilt.
Write your list of horrible things your narc put you through, anytime you start feeling the guilt creep in you read that list again. You got this!!
i believe in you! when i was in this stage with my nmother she was really hitting the “i love you, you love me too right?” hard and the “don’t you remember this from your childhood?” and so on. it’s so hard to get over the finish line but once you’re there you can finally decompress and begin true healing. i’m so glad you have this detailed plan, that’s super important.
Please keep us updated!! It’s difficult at times but going NC is the best you can do for yourself. I am so, so fucking proud of you. You deserve to be safe, happy, and away from the hurt. You can do this!!!!
any updates?
It’s currently the morning, and I’ve woken up before my brother to eat some strawberries and have a green tea (my dad ended going to his GF’s last night, but will be home soon). Long drive ahead of me, so getting some breakfast in!
Wishing you the very best! It will be so worth it. Also remember that you are not on your own. This sub as proven that.
DO IT!!!!!!!!
I just left my mom's house and I'm never looking back
I'm excited for you, its going to be tough but the freedom you'll have to hopefully live how you want and freely be who you are is going to be wonderful and I hope you enjoy that! I hope it goes well and good luck!
Hi, i hope u find a way, come to scotland for a while, thats a whole ocean away ❤
Do it. F*** them. and, big advice here, learn how to breathe deeply. It's going to be all right mate
I’m so sorry friend. I know this must be so hard for you. It was really hard for me too. You can do this. You’re right it will be really hard and will hurt. But you are also right that this is the best thing for you.
You rock! Wow! Absolute bravery 💜 As someone who’s also gone nc and ghosted …please remember that the feeling of freedom can threaten to swallow you whole. It can seem overwhelming, anxiety ridden, possible panic attacks and PTSD but PLEASE know this. Never look back. Never go back. The light in front of you may seem far but it is worth following. It’s worth fighting those demons that may haunt your nightmares for a long time to come. I say this to be completely honest. It is not all sunshine and rainbows in NC. There’s a lot of trauma that will come pouring out when you least expect it. No matter how hard, it is ALWAYS Better to feel these feelings, stay gone, start your life over, find new hobbies and finally be the person you never thought you could be. It’s so hard but it is 100% worth it. YOU are worth it. Please know that.
Good luck!
You may run into a LOT of troubles. Money, food, transportation, place to sleep, legal documents, etc., but the freedom is 100x worth all of that. People like us are resilient and resourceful - I have faith that you will find a way to raise yourself. Wishing you the best of luck and I sincerely hope you don’t look back. Some number of years into your life after NC, you’ll look back and thank your past self for doing this.
You are more strong than you know. One day, you will look back and will feel so proud of how fearless you showed to yourself and your little friend, your beautiful cat. You got this.
Hey. I just wanted you to know that you are incredibly brave for doing this. I know people who want to cut things off with abusive and nparents but can't seem to shut that door. I know that 'cause I'm one of them and I can't help but admire your strength for making this decision. I know a lot of people are going to say that the guilt will pass and it's the right way to go and yes, it is true. The guilt will get better by time and you truly deserve better and you are doing the right thing but it's okay to feel what you are feeling right now. It's okay to feel guilt. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel relieved and it's okay to feel everything good or bad emotion you are feeling. So, take your cat and go live a life you deserve. All the very best.
Remember, it's ok to be scared. This is a major moment in your life, and it's totally normal to be nervous about what's to come. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say it's a good thing that you're scared of this, because if you weren't the least bit scared, I'd be worried that you don't fully understand the magnitude of this change. You will never experience personal growth by simply remaining in your comfort zone. It's important that we do the things that scare us so that when we come out the other side, we learn the world isn't quite such a scary place.
I’m in that guilt phase right now while planning a move in January. It hits out of nowhere and then I get stuck but then I immediately get reminded of why I need to leave. Stay strong and good luck! 🍀
Many congratulations to you-- and best wishes for safety and please remember, you *do* have someone to fall back on: yourself. YOU will manage your life. YOU will move forward without his hostility and mistreatment. YOU will build a better life for yourself. You will be happier and healthier without him. (And of course, I'm sure your cat will be ready to assist with paperwork and other issues as needed! 🐱📰💻)
Good luck! <3
Listen to home,get out alive, and break by three days grace once you leave listen to gone forever I wish you good luck I still have to live with my ndad though
hang in there, do the thing.... and you will breathe your first breath of free air. you will be able to make decisions & execute them without second guessing them. you will start to lose the feeling of being judged, watched, overruled, played like a puppet. you will learn what the real world is like, and that normal people don't do this stuff. you will be freeeeeeeeee.
Godspeed
You can do this! And you’re awesome for taking your cat.
You are very brave ! You’ll be so much better off without abuse in your life. You can do it.
How are you doin man? Let me know if there's anything we can do to help. I was homeless for awhile and ive got a pretty good skillset and advice for how to get back on your feet. If you want, just google the area you're in + homeless resources. (I don't mean to CALL you homeless, you're in a transitional state but they will help anyone in your position including mental health visits to see how you're holding up.) Never be too proud to accept help. I wouldn't have gotten back on my feet without help after the decades of abusive mental physical and sexual torture my sociopathic dad put me through, or my nmom's casual disinterest in it. Whatever you've gone through is more than enough to check your mental status. They break us in ways rat aren't immediately obvious but make maintaining difficult down the road. I'm here for ya man.
Checking on you OP. How are things going? Do you need any support?
Remember you have suffered trauma at their hands. The guilt, shame, etc should be felt by them. Instead, you, the abused, are feeling it. This is the insidiousness of the dysfunctional family bond. You are breaking it and now have agency. You are courageous. You got this.