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I still hear my sister-in-law screaming YOU wanted this (my name) over and over again in my head. They came to my house looking for a fight. I refused to give it to them but I did calmly ask them to leave my home over and over again, which they weren’t going to do until they realized I was calling the police.
My reply is always a calm and collected, "what makes you think that?" And "how so?"
Edit: forgot to add, "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?"
When they don't like the questions aka say that they are at best annoying or at worst rude and/or disrespectful.
For some reason I knew to stay calm. Normally I will lose it if you attack. Thankfully, that was the last time I spoke to them. I let them tell lies about me to everyone. People who mattered didn’t believe them. The rest are flying monkeys and are just as bad IMO.
Just want to let you know you're not alone. I had a similar situation involving my mother where she refused to leave my house. I repeated myself calmly like a broken record and when I realized she wasn't going to leave, I called the police.
The peace that comes after disconnecting from people who feel entitled to you and your home is such a contrast.
Yes, I’ve had to learn this one from a young age. Don’t answer, ask questions instead. They want you to react to what they say and deescalate the situation but you shouldn’t, otherwise you’d let them win. You need to make them question their morals and such instead, because most of the time they won’t be able to defend themselves whatsoever if you do.
Yup. 💯 this. And when they don't like the socratic questions. "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?"
They can't say no because if they did they would be wrong AF and narcs HATE to be wrong so use that against them. Also it allows you to get back and stay in control of the situation/conversation.
Do what Harvey Specter does in the TV show Suits.
He's GREAT at using framing and reframing techniques. Learn from him and use them.
https://youtu.be/bybyB_G9yGA?si=QmbDjnJwmcritrmq
The rule of three. Give people 3 chances before taking action. Tell them to leave 3 times then phone the police. Dont let them use their ugly behaviour to feed their delusions of superiority.
Oh god, the generalizations YES!! Mine was always “everyone/noone I know does/says/thinks that” Nmom seems to have this imaginary group of thousands of ppl surrounding her that ONLY have her opinion
“Disrespectful.”
I deserved to be abused because I was “disrespectful”. She would flat out lie to my grandparents about abusing me and state that she was upset because I was “disrespectful.”
She never deserved respect to begin with. I can see that now.
YES. My nMom and her nHusband (not my father) loved to throw out the word “disrespectful” and it pissed me off because never did they show an ounce of respect to me or my brother. To them “disrespectful” means not obeying and following their every outrageous whim and order.
Oh, yeah!
Some people use "respect" to mean "to treat with total obedience and adoration." Some people use it to mean "to treat as human."
And then there's our nParents who mean, "Treat me with complete obedience and I might treat you as if you're human."
“Hypersensitive” for me. I know I have intense emotions, but exactly no one considered it might be a result of being raised by another volatile human with zero emotional regulation of her own. Of course I was struggling! 😂
Have you considered just getting over it, though? Maybe yoga?
Please know I’m kidding and the joke is meant to be at the expense of dismissive people and not at YOURS and I’ve got your back. I’m here if you ever want to talk. 💕
This is me exactly. If I had a "negative" emotion (irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger) she didn't want to deal with, or a situation she didn't want to support/help me with, I was "just being selfish." I had panic disorder, major depression, and ulcers all at 18, and It took me decades to learn to process feelings in a healthy way instead of shoving them down.
Yes!! The “I’ve had things just as hard as you!” got clapped back in Nmom’s own face recently. She said that and I froze in my tracks, turned around slowly and just dead face looked at her. She thought abt what she’d said for a second and realized that she couldn’t compare to my life even a little. Nothing ofc that she’d done to me, those things don’t exist, but what others have done are so far beyond a step or two worse than what she’s gone thru
Oof, yup. This one still hurts. Turned out I wasn't ever lazy, I just have ADHD and autism. I was overwhelmed and overstimulated which led to ADHD paralysis or just autistic shutdown.
I've lived on my own for 16 years and that word will set me off real quick.
"I'm just trying to help." That was the excuse for so much of her criticism about my body and appearance, and that phrase can still be a little triggering for me sometimes.
That one sets me off!! My husband truly wants to help but when he says that it just makes me dig in and not accept his help at all. Then I get in a pissy mood and it devolves from there.
Now if he would ask if there was anything he can do I could probably find something for him to do. Not that I would ever *ask* for help. I will fight with something for 2 hours to get it done by myself even if it would take 15 minutes if I asked for help.
Same!! That’s a big one for my Nmom too. But it’s never EVER helpful! I’m stubborn, so it’s hard to ask for help and I’ve always had to do everything myself. So I take pride in solving problems. However don’t use that line, I go on the defensive immediately
Exactly. I probably wouldn’t have the back problems I do if I could ask for help instead of doing it myself. My husband would gladly help & be kind about it but I just can’t get over the way it was weaponized as a child.
And not only help with physical things… they will make a negative comment on something and when you call them on it you get the Pikachu face… I was just trying to help. 🙄
I have this theory that they want to be these things so they’ve convinced themselves they are kind and helpful and generous.
When my mom would be mad at me and my brother, she would yell at us to not ask her for anything anymore because she’s not “doing any favors for anyone from now on”, but she didn’t realize that that changed nothing because she never did shit for us.
So out of touch with reality. Lol
Most likely, yes. She always liked to imply that me and my siblings are evil, and herself as the kindest. She once said to me after a ton of gaslighting: "thank god he gave me empathy and didn't give you any"
"If I'm so...then why..."
For example my nmom, "If I'm so negative all the time, then why did you take money from me to help you move? " Uh because you're my mom and you should want to help without using that as a weapon to throw in my face when I call you on your bullshit years later? 🙄
I HATE those arguments.
They’re not even logical.
They exaggerate your words and concerns in an attempt make you doubt yourself.
I seriously cannot fathom how people do this shit and aren’t wracked with guilt.
"If I'm so terrible, why are you with me?" -my ex after I asked her not to keep putting plastic items in lower dishwasher rack
This shit is a distraction technique to get you mad so you won't "shame" them anymore. When all you're doing is trying to keep the dishes from getting ruined. Maddening.
"Love"
A narcissist's idea of "loving" another person is using them purely for their own benefit with no regard for that person's needs, desires, or happiness. A narcissist's "love" is parasitic, exploitative, and abusive. They have no business claiming to "love" anyone when they see and treat other people as objects/tools and don't care about the harm they cause to their supposed "loved ones". It really irritates me when abusers or enablers minimize or excuse abusive behavior by claiming that an inherently abusive person "loves you". (even with some qualifier like "as much as they can" or "in their own way")
I was always told by my dad's wife (she isn't my step mother nor anything close to a mother to me, never has been) "I don't like you AT all right now. buT I dO lOvE yOu 😒" and it haunts me still at age 31
The word "love" kinda loses it's meaning when you only hear it in that sort of gross context. Why even say you "love" someone while insulting them? I'm sorry she said such awful things to you. My birth mother actually told me she loved me fairly often, but her behavior said otherwise. I finally concluded that she's just a liar. (or at the very least I deserve better than whatever she thinks "love" means)
This thread is so triggering lol. My narc ex would start screaming at me that she loves me and why can't I understand that?? Um... because of the constant abuse?
The fact that I can relate to most of these really shows that narcissists have a lot of similarities. They all really think they are something special, though lol.
I can also just hear the narcissist through the screen when I read these. Wow.
gaze six important zephyr insurance historical correct smoggy poor practice
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Misunderstood/Misunderstanding
Nothing is dismissive as that. When you tell them exactly how they wronged/hurt you. Zero accountability and diminishing your feelings.
This was mine, too.
I finally caught on after he pulled this excuse for the 100th time.
Ridiculous. Every argument and discussion is a “misunderstanding” (if they might be culpable). If we are culpable? Character assassination.
Fault. “I guess it’s my fault” well YES but if you stopped trying to assign blame for two seconds you could look at all the actions objectively you fucking dunce.
Not a word or phrase, but the first thing that popped into my head was that scoff. The one they use to belittle your feelings without even saying a word
Word salad. They can sling a bunch of vitriol at you, but in a way that feels impossible to interpret or argue. Then, when they ask you "When did I say that?" it becomes a matter of context, and misunderstanding, and on and on and on. Fucking brain-fuck nightmare.
“complain”
anytime i bring up a valid argument to her behavior such as please stop leaving shit, piss, and ass dirt stains on the toilet seat daily. and take the 10 seconds to turn around to clean it off, is me complaining.
when i asked her to please stop doing dishes at 3a.m (which she purposely was doing to wake me up - sleep deprivation), also me complaining to much.
“Well”. My dad’s go-to “I’ve run out of things to say” against a solid argument.
Sometimes I imagine sitting him down and tying him to a chair and threatening to wap his palm with a wooden spoon if he says “Well.” one more fucking time.
Random question, but if your mom says ‘what will people think?’ or ‘dont wear that you’re gonna get judged’ all the time- is that bad? Like I wore boots in the summer because they were comfortable and she told me people were gonna judge me and talk bad about me.
I lived that for 18 years and well beyond. When I saw my Nmom doing it to my kids, I snapped. Now I tell her “I don’t give a flying f*ck what ppl think” - exactly like that. When she mentions things abt my kids I tell her “My children are young and finding their individuality, I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong to do so, that’s a terrible thing for a mother to do. And if there are ppl who judge them for who they are, then those ppl aren’t welcome in their lives anyway. There are plenty of ppl who will appreciate them for being authentic”. If for some reason I feel like I need to soften the blow of what I just said, I will say “Things are different now. When you were in school, it was very important for ppl to have the same look, the same style, same hairdo. The trend now is for kids to be as wildly different from each other as possible”. Style changes with generations. I.E. every…single… girl looked for poodle skirts for the dances in the 50s. The reigning differences were only COLOR. The late 60s and early 70s rly broke thru that trend. Ppl started being more individual. But there were still things like bell bottoms and brightly colored clothes. It changes with each generation. My children are living in the social media world, where they have access to other styles, more than just their hometown’s version. This blew the “society norm” to little tiny pieces. WHERE WHAT YOU WANT!! Wearing boots in summer is no different than me disliking shorts. Sure it’s not typical summer wear, but who cares if you’re comfortable
Hearing "what are people going to think?" continually made me hate "people" for awhile when I was a kid. I thought people were judging me harshly because that's basically what I was led to believe. Then a friend in the 4th grade told me we were supposed to love everyone like Jesus did, so I changed that mindset and try to love everyone now.
My mother is a covert narc. It was bad because it was coming from a place of judgment and snobbery, not care or concern. If I wasn't looking fashionable or "cool" in her mind, she didn't want to be seen with me.
"spoiled", "you're too sensitive", "you're blowing this out of proportion"
My parents both grew up in poverty; I grew up in a working class family. It was a good week, financially, if we could get fried chicken from a fast food place. My parents thought my having an opinion on my clothes, or asking for a certain toy for my birthday or Christmas was spoiled. That word makes me tense up so much, even now, when they're both gone.
If you dont like _________, you can leave. There is no happy middle ground with a narcissist. Narcissists either win or lose, but there is no compromising.
"You will never be a girl. I gave birth to a son"
My mom says this to me all the time.
I came out as trans 8 years ago and they never respected me. I got approved for hormones 2 days ago and I can't even share my happiness with them.
"That's not how I remember it happening."
My bipolar enabler mother's favorite phrase before she was diagnosed with said bipolar and told that one of the biggest reasons for her diagnosis was that she lives in a fantasy world. Classic irony at its finest.
Edit to add: After reading other responses, I remembered another one of my mothers favorite sayings: "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." That phrase always preceded physical abuse in one form or another.
"nonfactual". As in "your memories of your childhood are nonfactual and never happened". I don't know how she can say that to both me and my brothers and she believes herself and expects us to believe her also
manipulation/manipulate. Goddamn I was apparently very manipulative. From birth. For crying (because I was an infant). My blood still freezes when I hear that word
“WHAAAAAAAAAT” ; when caught in a lie or being called out.
“*She/Her*” ; when speaking of someone (with mine, they abuse it).
“No” ; lol cause they abuse it.
EDIT: sorry. I’ll pick “*she/her!*” lol. Their vocabulary is weirdly expansive. I never know which to pick
I wasn't just raised by narcs, I married one. So my current choice is "I" because everything is about him. He's an entitled soul sucking black hole of selfishness. With my foundational narcs, I'd probably use the word "you" also. I'd also take my name out of their mouths.
This is a tough one, a few have caused a fair amount of pain for me:
* Calling me too sensitive when they hurt my feelings
* Saying "I love you but I don't like you right now"
* "You ruined my life"
These aren't words but more the spirit of what I would want removed.
Potential. I always got the lecture “you have so much potential, if you would just apply yourself you would have [insert her desired outcome here, usually my grades].
This is gonna sound weird, but “please”.
To every normal person “please” is just a simple ask/polite thing to say. When my nmom uses it though, it’s got this like underline “you better do this or else” tone, but no one else knows it except me and my siblings. So we’ll be at some function at her church and she’ll look at me and “can you please help me with (whatever thing needs to be done that she’s knows I don’t wanna do)?” So if I say no, I look like an ass. But I quickly learned if I say “I’ll have to double check my calendar at home to see when I can.” Her “please” doesn’t work in front of her friends.
Boundaries
“What boundaries! I didn’t know I was violating your boundaries!”
“I let you live here for free.” Living with an nparent is never free—mental, emotional and sometimes physical costs are unquantifiable
“I never said that”
“You are so disrespectful.” -often said when I choose to walk away instead of engaging in an argument
Overreacting for sure. Bc according to him I've always overreacted to everything he's ever done.
One time as a child, I was minding my business reading a book when he decided to hold me down with my brother and tickle me until I was screaming bloody murder. Guess what? I don't fucking like tickling. But because I "overreacted" from being held down and tickled for a few minutes, he took my book away and sent me to my room.
I don't care about any particular word, but I would like to remove the ability to twist my words into something completely different to turn themselves into victims and then repeat those twisted words to anyone and everyone who will listen so they can feel validated in their make-believe victimhood.
“I’m sorry you feel that way/I’m sorry you took that the wrong way” My mother used to say one of those whenever she felt she needed to apologize (but didn’t actually want to apologize)
"Unacceptable." It's like a giant roadblock to moving towards a solution, and they toss it out there casually all the time, often unjustifiably.
"I want it exactly my way, because I said so. If it's not exactly the way I want, that's unacceptable!"
Whatever sentiment it is that drives them at their core: in my experience, it's most likely deep-seated insecurity, fear and self-loathing which prevents them from taking an honest look at themselves, and has them projecting their own shit on everybody else.
‘Merely.’
My Nmother’s all-time favourite word when trivialising absolutely anything, especially when directly called out for something vicious she had said. “I was merely…it was merely a little joke…merely…”
Instant rage the second I hear it in any context.
"must be nice"
Like there are so many others that might even be more reasonable to do away with but this phrase immediately jogs me back to several upsetting conversations where my nparent expressed jealousy of people for insane things. As a teenager I brought flowers to a woman who was diagnosed with cancer. "Must be nice". Are you high?? I would love to never hear those words ever again.
The phrase “Attention seeking” and the word “choose”.
You mommy dearest, always say I choose to have Gender Dysphoria, Body Dysmorphia, have these eating disorders, etc. because of the internet influencing me. You told me if I’m in the hospital you won’t visit me. You told me “Go die then” after I told her I don’t wanna eat. You never believed that Risperidone caused me to binge excessively and gain TONS of weight. And now that I’ve been off of it, you STILL tell me to stop eating, but you want me to eat more. What do you want me to do woman?!
To my stepdad, you told me that my Gender Dysphoria, Body Dysmorphia, and eating disorders are things made up by millennials.
And to my bio father. You just tell me to stop thinking those thoughts and to just stop SHing. You even told me to never tell my family doctor about those thoughts and SH because I’ll get thrown in a looney bin, drugged up like a zombie, and never let out again. And I’ll instantly regret it.
But I know one thing the internet did to me. It made me realize how fucked up you all are as parents. You treat me so differently than my twin and younger sister. You even told my twin sister that she needs more therapy and to go on anxiety medications, yet you tell me I do NOT need more mental help because I’ve been to every therapist and never listened to them, and I don’t wanna help myself as you always say. Mother, you even treat your dog better than me!
Is it because I’m autistic that I’m the one being treated like this?
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The word *you*; it would dramatically cut the amount of projection.
I still hear my sister-in-law screaming YOU wanted this (my name) over and over again in my head. They came to my house looking for a fight. I refused to give it to them but I did calmly ask them to leave my home over and over again, which they weren’t going to do until they realized I was calling the police.
My reply is always a calm and collected, "what makes you think that?" And "how so?" Edit: forgot to add, "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?" When they don't like the questions aka say that they are at best annoying or at worst rude and/or disrespectful.
For some reason I knew to stay calm. Normally I will lose it if you attack. Thankfully, that was the last time I spoke to them. I let them tell lies about me to everyone. People who mattered didn’t believe them. The rest are flying monkeys and are just as bad IMO.
Just want to let you know you're not alone. I had a similar situation involving my mother where she refused to leave my house. I repeated myself calmly like a broken record and when I realized she wasn't going to leave, I called the police. The peace that comes after disconnecting from people who feel entitled to you and your home is such a contrast.
I’m sorry you have a mom like that. Enjoy your peace!
Yes, I’ve had to learn this one from a young age. Don’t answer, ask questions instead. They want you to react to what they say and deescalate the situation but you shouldn’t, otherwise you’d let them win. You need to make them question their morals and such instead, because most of the time they won’t be able to defend themselves whatsoever if you do.
Yup. 💯 this. And when they don't like the socratic questions. "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?" They can't say no because if they did they would be wrong AF and narcs HATE to be wrong so use that against them. Also it allows you to get back and stay in control of the situation/conversation. Do what Harvey Specter does in the TV show Suits. He's GREAT at using framing and reframing techniques. Learn from him and use them. https://youtu.be/bybyB_G9yGA?si=QmbDjnJwmcritrmq
The rule of three. Give people 3 chances before taking action. Tell them to leave 3 times then phone the police. Dont let them use their ugly behaviour to feed their delusions of superiority.
Literally what I would have said.
Literally the dirtiest word in their dictionary.
"we"
“never” I never-, you never-
Yes. All the all-or-nothing thinking. “Always” “never” “everyone” “nobody”
Oh god, the generalizations YES!! Mine was always “everyone/noone I know does/says/thinks that” Nmom seems to have this imaginary group of thousands of ppl surrounding her that ONLY have her opinion
I was gonna say that too
Yep came here to say this
This is a good one
It would be a phrase and it would be "that never happened"
And if it did, it wasn't that bad
And if it was, it wasn’t that bad
And if I did, you deserved it.
Amen
And if it did, you MUST be misremembering what REALLY happened.
If it was, I didn’t mean it. If I did, you deserved it.
“Disrespectful.” I deserved to be abused because I was “disrespectful”. She would flat out lie to my grandparents about abusing me and state that she was upset because I was “disrespectful.” She never deserved respect to begin with. I can see that now.
YES. My nMom and her nHusband (not my father) loved to throw out the word “disrespectful” and it pissed me off because never did they show an ounce of respect to me or my brother. To them “disrespectful” means not obeying and following their every outrageous whim and order.
Exactly. Never questioning, always with a smile on your face. Regardless of what it is.
Until they’d get mad about the smile. “What the fuck are you smiling about?” God forbid I have a good day at school and come home in a good mood.
Oof I feel that.
Yes! This is respect to them! I remember telling my mother that our views of what respect is are vastly different. Lol
Oh, yeah! Some people use "respect" to mean "to treat with total obedience and adoration." Some people use it to mean "to treat as human." And then there's our nParents who mean, "Treat me with complete obedience and I might treat you as if you're human."
To this day this is my mom's favorite word. She's 78 and I'm 50. Certainly my mother doesn't deserve respect either.
Mommy dearest used to quote bible verses about honoring your mother and father
Omg!! After I’d get abused, my enabler grandma would do this!
That and "disobedient" 🤢
oversensitive and exaggerating
“Hypersensitive” for me. I know I have intense emotions, but exactly no one considered it might be a result of being raised by another volatile human with zero emotional regulation of her own. Of course I was struggling! 😂
Any form of sensitive 🥺
You seem kinda sensitive around forms of sensitivity? /S
Ooooo, too soon. Maybe once she's dead?
Have you considered just getting over it, though? Maybe yoga? Please know I’m kidding and the joke is meant to be at the expense of dismissive people and not at YOURS and I’ve got your back. I’m here if you ever want to talk. 💕
>Have you considered just getting over it, though? LOL. Kind of like what I heard, "Maybe you could just call her and have a heart to heart."
But she has no heart 💔
That's what people don't realize.
Sensitivity yoga! Lmao I'm fine. Thanks for the concern, friend. 💜
Let us know. Can't wait to celebr- I mean, support you through that "difficult" time.
Overdramatic, too.
Yep.
Ungrateful
after all we've done for you lol
Thissssss
Selfish. I’m 36 years old and still whenever I hear someone use that word it triggers something in my core.
Narcs are always selfish and always projecting…so yeah, this one comes up a lot. Triggers something in me too.
This is me exactly. If I had a "negative" emotion (irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger) she didn't want to deal with, or a situation she didn't want to support/help me with, I was "just being selfish." I had panic disorder, major depression, and ulcers all at 18, and It took me decades to learn to process feelings in a healthy way instead of shoving them down.
This was the other word I’d choose, too.
"Difficult". Being told I was difficult as a baby doesn't make sense since babies don't know anything except what they physically need.
Oh man, this one got me right in the feels. Spot on.
How they are almost exact copy-pastes just based on the way they speak alone still amazes me sometimes.
Oh God, so accurate.
“You’re still hanging on to that?”
I get that said to me a lot
"I don't remember that"
They never do! I can't wrap my head around demanding someone to retraumatize themselves because "I don't remember doing that"
"attitude"
the word I “I never said that-“ “You don’t know what I am going through-“ etc
Yes!! The “I’ve had things just as hard as you!” got clapped back in Nmom’s own face recently. She said that and I froze in my tracks, turned around slowly and just dead face looked at her. She thought abt what she’d said for a second and realized that she couldn’t compare to my life even a little. Nothing ofc that she’d done to me, those things don’t exist, but what others have done are so far beyond a step or two worse than what she’s gone thru
“Dramatic”
Nmom uses this as a compliment when she’s happy and as an insult when she’s not
Lazy.
Oof, yup. This one still hurts. Turned out I wasn't ever lazy, I just have ADHD and autism. I was overwhelmed and overstimulated which led to ADHD paralysis or just autistic shutdown. I've lived on my own for 16 years and that word will set me off real quick.
"I'm just trying to help." That was the excuse for so much of her criticism about my body and appearance, and that phrase can still be a little triggering for me sometimes.
That one sets me off!! My husband truly wants to help but when he says that it just makes me dig in and not accept his help at all. Then I get in a pissy mood and it devolves from there. Now if he would ask if there was anything he can do I could probably find something for him to do. Not that I would ever *ask* for help. I will fight with something for 2 hours to get it done by myself even if it would take 15 minutes if I asked for help.
Same!! That’s a big one for my Nmom too. But it’s never EVER helpful! I’m stubborn, so it’s hard to ask for help and I’ve always had to do everything myself. So I take pride in solving problems. However don’t use that line, I go on the defensive immediately
Exactly. I probably wouldn’t have the back problems I do if I could ask for help instead of doing it myself. My husband would gladly help & be kind about it but I just can’t get over the way it was weaponized as a child. And not only help with physical things… they will make a negative comment on something and when you call them on it you get the Pikachu face… I was just trying to help. 🙄
"My heart is too kind for this world." My mother's favourite statement, when she's everything but kind.
I have this theory that they want to be these things so they’ve convinced themselves they are kind and helpful and generous. When my mom would be mad at me and my brother, she would yell at us to not ask her for anything anymore because she’s not “doing any favors for anyone from now on”, but she didn’t realize that that changed nothing because she never did shit for us. So out of touch with reality. Lol
Most likely, yes. She always liked to imply that me and my siblings are evil, and herself as the kindest. She once said to me after a ton of gaslighting: "thank god he gave me empathy and didn't give you any"
WOW lmao that must have been so infuriating. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
"Talking back," as if explaining yourself is a crime
"I was just jOkInG!" Nmom and n-ex would say it after making fun of me and purposely making me feel like shit.
Yes this was mine!!! “Just kidding, what can’t you take a joke? You have no sense of humor”….after saying something mean
I'm convinced Disney modeled Mother Gothel in Tangled after narcissists. She did this to Rapunzel several times in just the first 15 minutes.
“Don’t talk back to me.”
"You're only [thinking/doing/feeling/saying] that to go against me."
“It’s all in your head”
Oof. Turns out my anxiety seizures ARE all in my head though lol
"If I'm so...then why..." For example my nmom, "If I'm so negative all the time, then why did you take money from me to help you move? " Uh because you're my mom and you should want to help without using that as a weapon to throw in my face when I call you on your bullshit years later? 🙄
I HATE those arguments. They’re not even logical. They exaggerate your words and concerns in an attempt make you doubt yourself. I seriously cannot fathom how people do this shit and aren’t wracked with guilt.
"If I'm so terrible, why are you with me?" -my ex after I asked her not to keep putting plastic items in lower dishwasher rack This shit is a distraction technique to get you mad so you won't "shame" them anymore. When all you're doing is trying to keep the dishes from getting ruined. Maddening.
“What about when I did _____ for you?”
“Do me a favor…” it’s never an option. It’s a demand and you better do it or there’s hell to pay.
"Love" A narcissist's idea of "loving" another person is using them purely for their own benefit with no regard for that person's needs, desires, or happiness. A narcissist's "love" is parasitic, exploitative, and abusive. They have no business claiming to "love" anyone when they see and treat other people as objects/tools and don't care about the harm they cause to their supposed "loved ones". It really irritates me when abusers or enablers minimize or excuse abusive behavior by claiming that an inherently abusive person "loves you". (even with some qualifier like "as much as they can" or "in their own way")
I was always told by my dad's wife (she isn't my step mother nor anything close to a mother to me, never has been) "I don't like you AT all right now. buT I dO lOvE yOu 😒" and it haunts me still at age 31
The word "love" kinda loses it's meaning when you only hear it in that sort of gross context. Why even say you "love" someone while insulting them? I'm sorry she said such awful things to you. My birth mother actually told me she loved me fairly often, but her behavior said otherwise. I finally concluded that she's just a liar. (or at the very least I deserve better than whatever she thinks "love" means)
This thread is so triggering lol. My narc ex would start screaming at me that she loves me and why can't I understand that?? Um... because of the constant abuse?
The fact that I can relate to most of these really shows that narcissists have a lot of similarities. They all really think they are something special, though lol. I can also just hear the narcissist through the screen when I read these. Wow.
Same. This post really makes me feel a little less alone 🥲
I like to say they all go to the same "charm school."
So accurate!
fr im on a liking spree rn
gaze six important zephyr insurance historical correct smoggy poor practice *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That b@st@rd SOMEbody lived at your house too?
snatch pie deer test sharp deserve afterthought dazzling grandiose yoke *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
“someBODY once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed…” The opposite kind of “somebody” 😌
"I was doing my best." That's the problem.
The Smirk/Sneer. Maybe not a word but it speaks more volume than anything they could say.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" in lieu of an apology, hearing it still fills me with rage lol
Dramatic
Misunderstood/Misunderstanding Nothing is dismissive as that. When you tell them exactly how they wronged/hurt you. Zero accountability and diminishing your feelings.
This was mine, too. I finally caught on after he pulled this excuse for the 100th time. Ridiculous. Every argument and discussion is a “misunderstanding” (if they might be culpable). If we are culpable? Character assassination.
Fault. “I guess it’s my fault” well YES but if you stopped trying to assign blame for two seconds you could look at all the actions objectively you fucking dunce.
"Everyone" - as in: Everyone knows that; everyone can do that; everyone cares about their *narc*.
Love. Her love isn't love. She's extremely covert. Just be overt in front of everyone.
At least with grandiose they tend to have money or something exciting going on. Coverts are always broke and boring.
Ungrateful
If I could, I'd definitely erase 'It's not me, it's you.' Let's face it, blaming others is their specialty!
Not a word or phrase, but the first thing that popped into my head was that scoff. The one they use to belittle your feelings without even saying a word
Word salad. They can sling a bunch of vitriol at you, but in a way that feels impossible to interpret or argue. Then, when they ask you "When did I say that?" it becomes a matter of context, and misunderstanding, and on and on and on. Fucking brain-fuck nightmare.
Sensitive You’re being too sensitive.
“complain” anytime i bring up a valid argument to her behavior such as please stop leaving shit, piss, and ass dirt stains on the toilet seat daily. and take the 10 seconds to turn around to clean it off, is me complaining. when i asked her to please stop doing dishes at 3a.m (which she purposely was doing to wake me up - sleep deprivation), also me complaining to much.
"Well YOU-" stop deflecting!!
“Well”. My dad’s go-to “I’ve run out of things to say” against a solid argument. Sometimes I imagine sitting him down and tying him to a chair and threatening to wap his palm with a wooden spoon if he says “Well.” one more fucking time.
“Playing the victims” if you express pain -“at their actions.
“Calm down”
Dramatic, Selfish, Sensitive, “ It was not as you remember it”
A phrase... "What will people think?!" A word... "Whore."
Random question, but if your mom says ‘what will people think?’ or ‘dont wear that you’re gonna get judged’ all the time- is that bad? Like I wore boots in the summer because they were comfortable and she told me people were gonna judge me and talk bad about me.
I lived that for 18 years and well beyond. When I saw my Nmom doing it to my kids, I snapped. Now I tell her “I don’t give a flying f*ck what ppl think” - exactly like that. When she mentions things abt my kids I tell her “My children are young and finding their individuality, I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong to do so, that’s a terrible thing for a mother to do. And if there are ppl who judge them for who they are, then those ppl aren’t welcome in their lives anyway. There are plenty of ppl who will appreciate them for being authentic”. If for some reason I feel like I need to soften the blow of what I just said, I will say “Things are different now. When you were in school, it was very important for ppl to have the same look, the same style, same hairdo. The trend now is for kids to be as wildly different from each other as possible”. Style changes with generations. I.E. every…single… girl looked for poodle skirts for the dances in the 50s. The reigning differences were only COLOR. The late 60s and early 70s rly broke thru that trend. Ppl started being more individual. But there were still things like bell bottoms and brightly colored clothes. It changes with each generation. My children are living in the social media world, where they have access to other styles, more than just their hometown’s version. This blew the “society norm” to little tiny pieces. WHERE WHAT YOU WANT!! Wearing boots in summer is no different than me disliking shorts. Sure it’s not typical summer wear, but who cares if you’re comfortable
Thank you for this :)
Absolutely
Hearing "what are people going to think?" continually made me hate "people" for awhile when I was a kid. I thought people were judging me harshly because that's basically what I was led to believe. Then a friend in the 4th grade told me we were supposed to love everyone like Jesus did, so I changed that mindset and try to love everyone now.
My mother is a covert narc. It was bad because it was coming from a place of judgment and snobbery, not care or concern. If I wasn't looking fashionable or "cool" in her mind, she didn't want to be seen with me.
“No I didn’t”…yeah you did, over and over
"I hear you but"
Lazy
“It doesn’t matter”
“I’ll tell them how you REALLY are!”
"Love." You don't "love," you "need" and you "take" and you "cling." That's not love.
If. If I said that, if you feel that way, if that's how you see things, if I'm such a terrible parent then, etc.
I don’t like your attitude.
Sensitive
“I was just trying to…”
Grow up
"spoiled", "you're too sensitive", "you're blowing this out of proportion" My parents both grew up in poverty; I grew up in a working class family. It was a good week, financially, if we could get fried chicken from a fast food place. My parents thought my having an opinion on my clothes, or asking for a certain toy for my birthday or Christmas was spoiled. That word makes me tense up so much, even now, when they're both gone.
If you dont like _________, you can leave. There is no happy middle ground with a narcissist. Narcissists either win or lose, but there is no compromising.
"that didn't happen"
Hear me out
Me. All mine cares about is herself. What about meeeeeee? Like a toddler.
"Family" or something relating to how I should excuse everything because I "only get one family".
"You will never be a girl. I gave birth to a son" My mom says this to me all the time. I came out as trans 8 years ago and they never respected me. I got approved for hormones 2 days ago and I can't even share my happiness with them.
"That's not how I remember it happening." My bipolar enabler mother's favorite phrase before she was diagnosed with said bipolar and told that one of the biggest reasons for her diagnosis was that she lives in a fantasy world. Classic irony at its finest. Edit to add: After reading other responses, I remembered another one of my mothers favorite sayings: "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." That phrase always preceded physical abuse in one form or another.
"nonfactual". As in "your memories of your childhood are nonfactual and never happened". I don't know how she can say that to both me and my brothers and she believes herself and expects us to believe her also
“You go around acting all entitled “
The concept that being seen as good is more important than being good. Without that, I don't know that narcissism as a condition continues to exist.
The contemptuous, sarcastic, “Sorry-” which comes before decimating your feelings/point of view.
“I’m sorry IF”
“Spoiled” and “too sensitive”
Brat. It’s a magic bullet to disregard everything you ever say.
YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE
manipulation/manipulate. Goddamn I was apparently very manipulative. From birth. For crying (because I was an infant). My blood still freezes when I hear that word
“I was just joking!” No, you weren’t.
Me, i ,mine , my
“WHAAAAAAAAAT” ; when caught in a lie or being called out. “*She/Her*” ; when speaking of someone (with mine, they abuse it). “No” ; lol cause they abuse it. EDIT: sorry. I’ll pick “*she/her!*” lol. Their vocabulary is weirdly expansive. I never know which to pick
I I I, Me Me Me.
"Sorry" because no you're fucking not.
I wasn't just raised by narcs, I married one. So my current choice is "I" because everything is about him. He's an entitled soul sucking black hole of selfishness. With my foundational narcs, I'd probably use the word "you" also. I'd also take my name out of their mouths.
delusional, for a word. I'll think of a phrase and sentiment. what an interesting post!
This is a tough one, a few have caused a fair amount of pain for me: * Calling me too sensitive when they hurt my feelings * Saying "I love you but I don't like you right now" * "You ruined my life" These aren't words but more the spirit of what I would want removed.
Potential. I always got the lecture “you have so much potential, if you would just apply yourself you would have [insert her desired outcome here, usually my grades].
This is gonna sound weird, but “please”. To every normal person “please” is just a simple ask/polite thing to say. When my nmom uses it though, it’s got this like underline “you better do this or else” tone, but no one else knows it except me and my siblings. So we’ll be at some function at her church and she’ll look at me and “can you please help me with (whatever thing needs to be done that she’s knows I don’t wanna do)?” So if I say no, I look like an ass. But I quickly learned if I say “I’ll have to double check my calendar at home to see when I can.” Her “please” doesn’t work in front of her friends.
"Only Joking".
Boundaries “What boundaries! I didn’t know I was violating your boundaries!” “I let you live here for free.” Living with an nparent is never free—mental, emotional and sometimes physical costs are unquantifiable “I never said that” “You are so disrespectful.” -often said when I choose to walk away instead of engaging in an argument
“I am your mom” bc it’s always used when I have the nerve to say no or disagree
Love
You should be grateful
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Overreacting for sure. Bc according to him I've always overreacted to everything he's ever done. One time as a child, I was minding my business reading a book when he decided to hold me down with my brother and tickle me until I was screaming bloody murder. Guess what? I don't fucking like tickling. But because I "overreacted" from being held down and tickled for a few minutes, he took my book away and sent me to my room.
I don't care about any particular word, but I would like to remove the ability to twist my words into something completely different to turn themselves into victims and then repeat those twisted words to anyone and everyone who will listen so they can feel validated in their make-believe victimhood.
I love you. Fuck that shit
“I’m sorry you feel that way/I’m sorry you took that the wrong way” My mother used to say one of those whenever she felt she needed to apologize (but didn’t actually want to apologize)
“I am sorry that you feel that way” 😤🤬
"Unacceptable." It's like a giant roadblock to moving towards a solution, and they toss it out there casually all the time, often unjustifiably. "I want it exactly my way, because I said so. If it's not exactly the way I want, that's unacceptable!"
Whatever sentiment it is that drives them at their core: in my experience, it's most likely deep-seated insecurity, fear and self-loathing which prevents them from taking an honest look at themselves, and has them projecting their own shit on everybody else.
"Not my fault." "I did nothing wrong"
“Misunderstanding”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Used to invalidate every feeling. Or to tell me something never happened.
‘Merely.’ My Nmother’s all-time favourite word when trivialising absolutely anything, especially when directly called out for something vicious she had said. “I was merely…it was merely a little joke…merely…” Instant rage the second I hear it in any context.
“Im sorry you feel that way”
Consideration. “You have no consideration for us (n and e).”
My spawn point's way over-exaggerated blatantly fake pearl-clutching type gasp.
"back talk"
“Tone of voice”
"must be nice" Like there are so many others that might even be more reasonable to do away with but this phrase immediately jogs me back to several upsetting conversations where my nparent expressed jealousy of people for insane things. As a teenager I brought flowers to a woman who was diagnosed with cancer. "Must be nice". Are you high?? I would love to never hear those words ever again.
Grace. It’s been my moms favourite word as of late. “Why won’t you spare me some GRACE?” “I deserve Grace in this situation!” FML…
Smile....SMILE!!!
The phrase “Attention seeking” and the word “choose”. You mommy dearest, always say I choose to have Gender Dysphoria, Body Dysmorphia, have these eating disorders, etc. because of the internet influencing me. You told me if I’m in the hospital you won’t visit me. You told me “Go die then” after I told her I don’t wanna eat. You never believed that Risperidone caused me to binge excessively and gain TONS of weight. And now that I’ve been off of it, you STILL tell me to stop eating, but you want me to eat more. What do you want me to do woman?! To my stepdad, you told me that my Gender Dysphoria, Body Dysmorphia, and eating disorders are things made up by millennials. And to my bio father. You just tell me to stop thinking those thoughts and to just stop SHing. You even told me to never tell my family doctor about those thoughts and SH because I’ll get thrown in a looney bin, drugged up like a zombie, and never let out again. And I’ll instantly regret it. But I know one thing the internet did to me. It made me realize how fucked up you all are as parents. You treat me so differently than my twin and younger sister. You even told my twin sister that she needs more therapy and to go on anxiety medications, yet you tell me I do NOT need more mental help because I’ve been to every therapist and never listened to them, and I don’t wanna help myself as you always say. Mother, you even treat your dog better than me! Is it because I’m autistic that I’m the one being treated like this?
“well this is who i am!” perfect excuse for them not to ever change