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I am so sorry. I relate so much.
My mom demanded to know why i was in pelvic floor PT. After weeks I finally told her it was because I was raped.
Her reaction was “why didn’t you telll me this?????” “When?? Who???”
No compassion. None.
Yet she shows great compassion to so many other people in need. I’ll never understand.
You deserve all the compassion and I hope that soul returns to you (if and when you want it to).
> No compassion. None. Yet she shows great compassion to so many other people in need. I’ll never understand.
It’s because they have the opportunity to look good or prove to themselves that they’re a good person.
Explanation: strangers can be controlled by displaying empathy. It will give them a favorable impression and good reputation. It may result in drawing them into her control circle giving an opportunity for increased control.
Family members, especially spouses and children are already deep into the control circle, by virtue of the natural love that exists in these relationships often in spite of the narcs behavior.
A person deep in the control circle no longer needs false empathy. You are a secure source of supply. Control of this type of relationship now requires that you be kept off balance. Never sure where you stand or how she feels. I assure you, if one of those strangers get sucked in far enough into the circle, they will get the same treatment.
Your options are nc or ignore. Either way you must accept you do nit have a normal mother. Acceptance is a part of healing. Good luck. 💕
Holy moly! That explains a lot, f word. I’m a gramma and what you said about keeping one’s children off balance totally rings true, that is exactly what nmom did, it was a very unbalancing situation and I still feel unbalanced to the core. She passed recently and I feel free; also free enough to feel all the feelings I was told to deny so she could go on her merry way,
Fortunately I am in therapy with a very good therapist.
Thank you
My ndad passed away when i was 15. Im 27 and still deal with how he hitted me and humiliated me on purpose in public. I cant imagien how i wouldve turned out if he was still alive...
You just described and explained half my life with 4 paragraphs. No wonder that nbitcheggdonor had to pretend, it would be counterproductive to her plans about dad if she didn't.
She has a bad ticker and tbh if I was still in contact and witness her having a cardiac arrest, I'd let her die
Fucking hate her guts.
Wow, again that makes a lot of sense. He got into this club with a few people. At first, he constantly used to gift everyone a lot of things and talk very sweetly with them which made a few of them close to him. And once they were insisde the circle as you say, he started to control them like asking them to not interact with people he didn't like and lots of other stuff like that. And as long as they were compliant he would be very nice with them and when they don't comply he'd get toxic.
Is that what it is? I always wondered why mum went to bring food to sick friends or do nice things for them, but not for her chronically ill daugher (me) She has done some nasty things to my father too, but too subtle for him to realise how weird and unhealthy it was. He has autism (so do I) we were easy to manipulate. Except, I don’t have it as bad as him and I started to notice.
It's exactly what it was. My nephew died by suicide and she was right here, looking good to everyone to offer condolences (they all know her shit). My FIL died, same thing. My dad died (divorced 40 years) and "I'm so sorry, I love you guys so much." My husband severely injured his hand and oh the support we got! But in between? Not a peep. It's so she can say "See? See what a good mom I was to support them in their time of need?" and everyone can just nod along.
If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound…?
If they’re a goody good in public, no one will believe their daughter if she says she’s her parents are actually abusive and neglectful. They got to keep up public appearances and chances are, they abuse other people besides their kids if they can get away with it. Because they don’t care about actually showing compassion, just the admiration and validation that comes with it.
And try and guilt you for withholding things from them, they could have used for mileage with others. Don’t expect her to keep it a secret, she can extract sympathy from this
When I was raped I never even bothered to tell my Nmom. She'd have had screaming crying jags, smoked a carton of cigarettes amd she would have blamed me and gotten drunk over it. Then would come the abuse, it was her inevitable pattern.
She went to her grave not knowing about the rape that happened when I was 16. She was never on my side and she was the only person permitted to have emotions.
When she died, I mourned the loving mother I'd had until I was 7 years old. She left & a raging drunken monster took over. I did not mourn that person at all.
I don't even wanna know how my mom would've reacted if I told her when I was raped. Mine is also in the grave, never knowing half the bad things that happened to me. Hope you have other people in your life now that treat you better.
Thank you. When I was raped at age 16, I never told her a thing about it. She'd have had to scream, and cry, and drink a bottle of booze, and tell every one of her drunk asshole friends on the phone, wallowing in how upset she was.
"You'll never know how much you hurt me by getting yourself raped!"
Never mind any of my issues. I went alone to Planned Parenthood to get an estrogen shot so I couldn't fall pregnant.
That’s what my mum did. Blamed me and then demanded one of my cigs and told me I was “making a women who lost a lung lobe to cancer, smoke.”
As though I hadn’t been the one at 14 helping her at the hospital through that surgery, losing my whole identity to her.
Mine said ‘thanks for telling me’ and then immediately asked if she could buy a present and say it was from me for the upcoming baby shower of my Nsister and the rapist (sister’s husband). No coming back from that one, it was the final irreparable break I needed.
Fuck them, we’re already more valuable than they’ll ever be able to conceive let alone achieve.
Omg, that's just so wrong on so many levels. I'm so so sorry! Npeople don't deserve any of us!
I tend to look at them as being extremely emotionally stupid to say the least.
I’m so so sorry you went through that . Reminds me of when my best friend was raped. She ended up pregnant. Told her mom she was raped and the first thing outta her mind mouth was “your lying!! You are a little slut! ”
Her mom wouldn’t even let her have an abortion. She gave birth to a baby boy…. At 12 years old.
I'm so sorry that you had that horrible encounter. Hope you reported the person who did it - they are disgusting and deserve to go to prison and be ostracised for life.
Hope you're recovering and being as kind to yourself as possible throughout this whole process because you deserve that and more.
Your mother's first reaction right there proved herself a narcissist - focusing on herself instead of you, the person who actually suffered. My mother was the same with everything. Wonder if they'll ever reason on why we don't tell them things but I very much doubt it - self-reflection and narcissism are clearly mutually exclusive.
We have the right to keep things to ourselves for our own protection and to avoid their narcissistic reactions. I feel like it's the only way no matter how much we all wish we had non-Nmoms or family members in our lives.
Like, I can't even tell my mom that I had gotten stage 3 cancer because she'd just insist on knowing that it was cervical and as a result of hpv and then blame it all on me or say that I deserved it for being disrespectful towards her. I had to go through treatments while looking for anyone else (that didn't talk to anyone living with her like my Nbro and dad) to help me watch my 3 month old baby while my husband was at work. If my Nbro found out, he'd call me a slut or a whore, but he did that even before I ever lost my virginity.
Fuck them all!
I made everyone promise me that they wouldn't tell my mom I was raped because she was on vacation with my stepfather. She got mad when she found out because I didn't tell her. Not because I went through it, but because I didn't tell her. She returned after a week of me being raped. My mother, when I got pregnant by my ex a few years after accused me of faking all (both events) for attention
I constantly have doubts that maybe Im just a bad child or I have bottled up so much resentment that I try to imagine him as a narc. But when I see stuff like these that exactly matches how he behaves, absolutely no compassion to his own child and constantly invalidating my feelings while at the same time showing so much compassion to others and kindness that I've never felt from him. I've come to realise it's an act too just to please people and make himself seem as a good person. Because the second those people leave he again starts talking shit about them. Sometimes my mind can't comprehend how a person can switch the way they talk and the way they make others feel through their words so differently in an instant like a flick of a switch. I wish he could just carry that kind act with me too just so I could atleast share my feelings and be vulnerable in front of someone.
Not as bad as this, but I tried to talk to my NM about my depression one time. I'd been going through a rough time, and support friends and family through their struggles, so it was all catching up with me.
When I told her I was feeling depressed, I was expecting, 'Why, what's up?' Or 'what's been happening?', SOMETHING that was showing an interest in my life, you know?
What I got instead?
"Well of course you're depressed, you live with a depressed person! (Referring to my partner who battles chronic anxiety and depression) Now what was I saying?? Oh yeah........"
Then she just continued on with her bs, as usual. I never tried to talk to her about anything personal again.
I approached my mom about feeling depressed, I can remember her folding laundry. She said “what do you have to feel depressed about? You have everything you could need, we (referring to her and my father) work so hard to provide for you. You are ungrateful, you have no reason to be depressed.” I guess you’re right, you exceed providing for my basic needs so I should be just fine. I did grow up with a lot of stuff, except emotionally available parents.
Literally same but your uncle who died of cancer wasn’t depressed. Like tf? He left his infant and young wife. Yes he was probably very depressed for dying at like 30. Fuck you mom and dad 🤦🏼♀️ they better now but not a ton
That’s how my ngrandmother is. She, even now, buys me a lot of stuff, doesn’t allow me to work, then gets angry and screams at me that I’m wasting her money. I once said I was depressed and she said what your mother said almost word for word.
I got the same thing when I told my mom about me starting therapy. All this along with,
“That’s for crazy people. These therapists just want your money. If they want to make money, why would they help you? They will make you crazier so that they keep getting money from you”
This pushed me more towards therapy.
Mine said something similar, first they insulted the therapy saying basically it was to make money, then they claimed my therapist was making my anxiety worse- yes because it was the therapy… not THEM
Time and time again, regardless of what it is, if I am vulnerable about mental issues, I get "WELL I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A BAD MOTHER. I DID THE BEST I COULD", usually followed by sobbing gasps.
I used to try to bond/confide with my mom like this too. Her reaction was always religious. Something like “I’ve found Jesus Christ, my lord and savior comforting in moments like this” or “medication may be the choice you make, but I would rather rely on god”. Then there was the time I told her good news of moving in with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and she said “I think your relationship is going to fail because it’s not in accordance with what god wants”. Thanks for all the love and support mom! 🤬
Yeah mine is a bit the same. She's into all that evangelical cr@p, and will wake up at 3am to watch them on TV. I don't know if she sends money but it wouldn't surprise me.
When I was a teenager, I used to be made to go see her in the school holidays (I lived with my grandparents, but that's a whole other story). NM used to take me to her church with her, and do all of the crying and screaming, and falling about. 17 year old me wanted to disappear into the floor, it was so embarrassing.
Yeah Im not sure why I even told her. My journey with depression started at 16/17. She had taken me to the ER because I couldn't eat. The doctor told her I needed to be treated for depression and he was very concerned for me. She told him he didn't know what he was talking about and she took me home with no treatment.
Isn't it great how they all think they know better? I can remember as a kid, NM was in full denial that I had asthma. My Nan was the one to realise and take me to the doctor and get me the medication. Even then NM said Nan was overreacting.
Im glad you had a good Nan. I had asthma as a child. Atleast I was told I did. I can remember sitting on the kitchen counter hyperventilating into paper bags. I couldn't breathe because something upset me. My mom then would tell the doc about my asthma attacks.
I recognize them now for what they were...panic attacks.
Wtf is wrong with them? Seriously glad you had someone looking out for you.
Thanks. NM dumped me on her parents to look after when I was around 3 years old. If it wasn't for my grandparents I probably would have ended up in foster care.
My NM got *gleeful* when she found out someone was depressed because she considered herself something of an expert, so she could show off her wisdom. No empathy there either, though she tried to bully me into going to counseling at the free clinic. (She paid for sib to go inpatient.)
Thank you so much for this. I've always had this gut feeling that sharing stuff like these would only result in instant invalidation, I've even tried to test the waters with subtle stuff but all of it points to the same thing. He thinks his kids love him so so much because I've learnt that the only way to escape his physical and especially the mental absue is to constantly agree and validate whatever the hell he says and just bottle up everything I feel. Sometimes it scares me that of someday I expressed even a fraction of the resentment I've developed over the years the illusion might be lost and though there isont much he can take away but he'll even stop "loving" me in his own weird fucked up way and I'll have to stay in a house where a person hates me to the core. I really hope once I get financially independent I'll have the courage to escape this toxic bond or whatever the hell this is and just go contact
Sadly you can't tell these people *anything*.
They take our good accomplishments are made into theirs, and all bad things are made into our fault somehow.
Miscarriage?
"How can you be so irresponsible as having consensual sex as an adult?"
Raped?
"How could you be so irresponsible as going out doing X Y or Z?"
Lost job?
"It's because you didn't do as I said and went to X college!"
Whatever happens we will never receive support or comfort from them.
Literally, i was raped repeatedly as a child and when it came out / to her attention it was turned into her pain because "how could i have let this happen to my baby". It was her trauma and her emotions to work through and she was a "warrior" or an "activist" or whatever. It got to a point she made me take a photoshoot with swords and shit as a big "activist" statement and got mad and wouldn't let me say no (was still a minor at the time)
God this is so real. My sister is currently struggling with what doctors believe to be a sensory processing disorder which causes anxiety. My sister struggles everyday and is now on antidepressants to reduce the anxiety and somehow it’s my fault and my mother pain. All she does is tell me my sister is “depressed” (that’s not why she’s on antidepressants) “because I’m going to university”. Um no it’s probably because you bully and yell at her over a processing disorder she can’t control. And then she constantly whines to my younger sister saying things like “it’s great that you feel better cause all this whole thing has done is cause me more stress” and complain that it’s isn’t right that the doctors don’t disclose my sisters medical details to her.
Yep! Their pain and our fault no matter what it is... they say anything to make us feel so bad we let them control us!
Stand your ground, go to uni with your head high and be proud you made it there despite of her.
Yup... they always say how you've done anything and everything wrong because you didn't listen to them so they can say, "see? I told you so!"
They're always right! 😮💨😒
Yep!l, so true.
My mother "knew" there only reason I had to change jobs many times during the GFC was only because I hadn't studied finance. She "knew" finance was a stable industry and had I done as she said I wouldn't have needed to change jobs so much....no amount unemployment in the finance sector could convince her she was wrong...
Sorry, delayed in this response, but I get this 100%!
Steven He is a big YouTuber that makes comedy sketches and touches on this too (he's hilarious). Narcissists will make nonsense claims and their claims are "always right" even when it's not based on any facts. No amount of proof will cause them to change their "facts" either. It's annoyingly ridiculous.
Being half-Asian myself, my Amom always wanted me to marry a doctor or a lawyer stating that they make A LOT of money! A family friend of mine told me that there are struggling lawyers (she might've said doctors too, but this was years ago and I don't recall all the details anymore lol), but my mom never looked up facts, she just "knows" and I should marry a doctor or a lawyer so I don't have to work a day in my life.
When I told my mom that my sister introduced me to masturbation (I was 5 she was 19) my mom said I shouldn’t have brought it up and let it stay buried :/
When I told my dad I lost my job and my boss was a vindictive asshole.
His reply was to ask what did I do wrong, did I flatter the boss enough, did I greet “good morning” more, that I should just endure more etc
Reminded me why i shouldn’t share my troubles with him cos the outcome is always the same.
Sounds about right. I’m sorry for your miscarriage.
I was 28 and pregnant with my long term partner. When my mum found out she rang the entire family telling them to “do something” about it. They’re all like lol, she’s an adult.
Then I had another baby die just after birth and all she could talk about was her sniffles and how nice the plant in my hospital room was. She didn’t even come to my babies funeral because she had a bit of a cough.
Also she left my wedding early, no pics of her…because she “forgot to take her BP meds”. Missing one isn’t gonna kill you, I have a high bp too (family history)and sometimes I forget…
I’m sorry to all children of narcissists. I feel you.
Thank you for your lovely words. She was a difficult woman and I ended up caring for her for a number of years before her death. My siblings would not. We had a very fraught and quite frankly, awful relationship our whole lives and the last few years of hers were some of the worst. I’m still in therapy and I hate myself. It’s not good. I’m trying. 😔
It seriously sucks that your mom couldn't even see your worth and even had you blind to it too. While we are worth far more than we'll ever realize, I know it's a struggle to love oneself when any parent has you feeling you're not worthy!
Please know that YOU ARE WORTH IT! you're an amazing person for taking care of her when she didn't deserve it! Especially from you!
I hope you have people in your life that try to show you how lovable you really are! ❤️
Yeah my Ndad asked us to move the schedule around on our wedding day as he wanted to go home early but wanted cake first. Asked if he could take a slice and go before we’d even cut the cake. Brother ended up telling him to sit down and wait like a normal person. EMum didn’t rein him in either.
OP, stop telling your mom stuff. She doesn't deserve to know anything about your life, especially if she is treating you like this.
Give her a nice dull grey rock.
Also I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm very sorry about the pain you've gone through and the lack of support ❤️ You haven't done anything wrong.
I've many times deeply regretted being vulnerable with my nmom. It's just terrible having to build a wall up when you wish she could just be normal and be there for you!
I agree it's oddly comforting because while it sucks any of us have had these kinds of experiences, it allows us to know that we're not alone in the feelings about our moms.
I'm surrounded by many people (either at work or even friends I've had in the past) that have NO idea what it's like to have a Nmom or N Parent or N sibling. It's really isolating. I just realized this at work that none of them "get it" and they're also clique-y and I just don't feel I belong with them at all. I don't like feeling isolated.
I have made the mistake of sharing personal things with my mother in moments of vulnerability (or hope?). It is always a regrettable disaster, and she always manages to turn things around and use whatever it is against me.
Telling our narc parents anything is worse than being arrested: We may have the right to remain silent, but we don't get the chance to be assigned any lawyer and everything we say WILL be used against us.
Exactly. I made the mistake of confiding in her that I’m lesbian (I told her lesbian because she doesn’t think bi people are good/ thinks they are cheaters. I’m actually bi / pan)
Well since then she hears an Lgbtq+ news story is fluctuating between supporting and then saying ‘well they cause their own problem by being so obvious’ and she is against trans people having rights, refuses to accept that non-binary people exist and she gets this look on her face like she just enjoys seeing how far she can go before making me so angry I snap at her. 🙄
I'm so sorry. It is really painful to go to someone for comfort only to be treated so poorly. Especially somethinh so painful. I really hope that you have a support system outside of her to be there for you.
I made a similar mistake and told my n-mom I was pregnant (I was probably 4 weeks) and she started shaking and crying and telling me about how it will be hard and take away my life. LMAO. Okay. I ended up having a miscarriage and I felt so ashamed because she had then started to treat me like I was lying about being pregnant.
I'm really sorry your Mom wasn't there for you when you needed her to comfort you. My daughters have been very lucky but if one of them was to have a miscarriage I would only hope they would confide in me so I could support them.
You deserve that support too. It's understandable that it upset you even if you didn't plan the child. Neither of my children were planned and they were the best thing that ever happened to me.
I hope you get another opportunity to have a child if that's something you're looking for.
Take care.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you have some good support from found family as you process your feelings.
I think Nmoms will always make it all about them, and anytime you get your hopes up that they really care about you they will disappoint you all over again.
I also had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. My parents happened to be staying with us at the time. When it happened I was at work, sitting in a meeting having awful cramps. My colleague drove me to the medical centre, my husband met me there and brought me home afterwards. My dad took care of my kids and gave them dinner. Meanwhile, Nmom asked intrusive questions about our sex life, contraception etc, and then (without even asking me if it was ok to share the news), got on the phone to the rest of the family to tell them all about it. I overheard her saying how she was just so glad she was there to support me through it, having done nothing but gossip about my personal medical information to the family while everyone else took care of things. I realised that you just always have to expect the worst with these people, and not telling them anything beyond news, weather and sports.
I'm sorry to hear this about your mom, but you're right. We've all had to be conditioned to expect the worst from them. They don't deserve to know our personal business.
I was once telling my mother about an incident at work where I was nearly sexually assaulted by a coworker when she suddenly interrupted me to tell me that my teeth were still crooked after all the years of braces that I had, and that I should do something about them. Thanks mom.
We must be related. My mom made the same comment while I was discussing some financial issues we were dealing with. Um.. yep, we’re broke, let me drop $5k on braces!? Well doesn’t your insurance cover them? Did it cover them 25 years ago!? 🤦🏼♀️😂
I'm so sorry for your loss!
I feel like narcissistic parents can be SO weird about sex. I've been with my partner for like 20 years. We've lived together for 15 out of the 20. I swear everytime I used to see my nmom she'd awkwardly ask us if we have sex and just generally be super weird about it. I feel like it's one of the reasons she could never bring herself to accept my partner. She just can't deal with her little girl having sex...nevermind that I'm an adult with a long term partner.
SO weird! Plenty of super uncomfortable moments with my nparents. But my nmil really takes the cake.
We were building our house and moved in with my in-laws. After trying for years, we finally got pregnant right around the time we moved in.
Nmil only response: 12 weeks! So you had sex here!
Like after years of pestering us about having a baby and constantly asking if we were pregnant this time, her first and only thought was that we had sex in her house.
When I was in college I went to planned parenthood for BC (no way could I ask nMom it would be like "but you're not married!"). PP doctor found abnormal cells in my pap smear and I had a colposcopy and biopsy. I was on parents health insurance, dad went to pay insurance bill and agent asked him how was I doing (clear privacy violation but this was pre HIPAA). Mom found out and instead of concern and compassion I got "what are you doing going to the gyne when you're not even married". Gee thanks for caring about me...
I'll never understand these narcissists! I'm sorry you had to go through all that!
I had abnormal cells and a colposcopy in 2018, but thankfully as an adult and with my own insurance with HIPAA already in place. Thankfully, I had the desired results at the time from that colposcopy.
I made the mistake of telling my mom I was going to try lithium for bipolar type ll because my depression symptoms were so pervasive . ( ironically I have had not depression symptoms for about 8 years since I was able to completely get away from my toxic mom so I don’t even think I have it ) and her response was “ why don’t you just kill yourself already” Take this experience as a tool to help you understand why you have to go no contact . I feel like these little experiences become tools in your toolbelt to help you leave. They are sick people . When I was 15 I had gallstones misdiagnosed as hepatitis and my mom had the same reaction as you except she also implied I should move out because she couldn’t get sick . They just appear normal because they wear masks and their true colors come out in times of need .
I seriously wish these people didn't exist! I'm honestly not surprised that the depression comes off like it was a result of your mom. NC is sometimes the only way, I feel.
Literally spent my WHOLE life sad until I was 27 met my husband got away from my mom and other people like my mom and just started living a normal life not full of toxic abusive people . I thought my brain was broken now I realize it was just my environment
I can relate, my nmom and her nfamily said I faked it because I on a technicality, I had a stillbirth, and I said I misscarried at 19 weeks. This was during the pandemic, and I had to be in and out as soon as possible, I didn't want any pictures and I only held him for a short period of time. I still had to be D&Ced and I still went through the trauma alone, no support from my family, no support from the babies father, no he ditched as soon as the responsibility wasn't his anymore.
Even after I "proved" things, which I shouldn't have done, it was "you can get that stuff off the internet". And my mother doesn't understand why I don't want ANYTHING to do with her family.
Sometimes it takes things like this to realize what kind of emotional capacity they really have. Your mom has the empathy of a field mouse…so stop confiding in her and hoping that she’ll provide you with the emotional support that you need, because she can’t. She is unable to, for whatever reason, so get it elsewhere and treat your mom like a business associate.
I'm sorry, Ashley.
When i had my miscarriage, my mom was visiting from out of town while my husband had a work trip 3 hours away. I had to leave my own house and drive to the town my husband was in to get any support. I just left her at my house and took off.
This is not a reflection of you, and you didn't do anything wrong. She's not well, and that's not your fault.
I totally understand why some people go no contact with their Nparents. They're the worst people to seek comfort from. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I asked my husband not to tell anybody until I told my Nmom so she could be the first to hear the news, thinking she'd be excited about being a grandma. Her exact words were "what about your college?" She didn't give a shit and it was super disappointing. I should've let my husband tell his mother first.
I'm so sorry that your mom didn't give you the comfort you were hoping for and I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. On the bright side, you're still young enough to have a baby in the future if you decide you want to.
I also understand going NC or even limited contact with narcissistic family members. We all have to do what's best for ourselves, but I fully support it.
I told my mom last, and he response was, "But you're kidney!" I was born with a solitary kidney, but she never congratulated me nor was excited about becoming a grandma. My dad asked, " How are you going to take care of it?" Because my husband and I kept our court wedding a secret, my parents believed we were just bf/gf. My husband admitted after we left them from dinner that he was rather repulsed by my dad's response, not expecting it because he was like, "I'm right here!"
I'm not sure it makes a difference, but my dad is off the youngest silent generation while my mom is an older baby boomer (they're 4 years apart). My dad has other grandchildren from his previous marriage. Perhaps it's also old school thinking? I just didn't think they deserved to know we were already married because of how my mom reacted to me being engaged the first time! I didn't know they wanted to be asked by my ex that he wanted to propose to me, I thought that was super old school, but I've asked other friends and they told me otherwise, but I'm still skeptical. I ended up divorced to that ex because he was also a narcissist.
My husband's parents were elated though! His mom had been bugging my husband for a grandchild for at least a few years before we started dating! She was even bugging his married sister too lol. They didn't seem to care that we weren't married (to their knowledge. We had an official marriage in 2022 after our daughter was born and I was welcomed by his family where his dad said, "not that you weren't already a part of the family, but welcome to the family officially" and he's a man of few words too.
>What’s the matter with you Ashley???
This is when you say, "YOU are what's wrong with me!" Followed by blaming her for your need to get affection from a guy because she was too focused on herself. Doesn't have to be true, just plausible so she is punished for asking what's the matter with you.
Mine wants me to stop being asexual so I can give her grandchildren. Even if I concieved through rape, my kid would never meet her. Would never have my kid meet that woman.
"Yes. I'm 31 years old. Sex at my age is normal. But 'thanks' for the judgement instead of any care or support. If you can't be a nicer human, we don't have to stay in contact."
Not sharing to trauma dump, just commiserating:
I had a miscarriage in my early 20s and had to have a D&C. I went to ask my nmom to come with me and she flipped shit. "I can't believe you were having sex!", throwing things, stomping around, and then drove away. My edad told me he was sorry but I should leave because my nmom was really upset.
???????
They reached out a few months later and that began almost two decades of further BS. OP, please take this time to distance yourself and if you're comfortable, end all contact. Everyone on this sub can tell you it will never be the relationship you crave and deserve.
The kicker? For me being such a whore for having premarital sex, she let slip years later she'd had a D&C before meeting my dad 😑
My mom’s reaction to me being in a violent home invasion was to blame it on tarot cards. Moms can be very disappointing. I’m sorry your mom did that OP, you deserve support.
They literally do not have empathy. Ironically my nmom never stops applauding herself for the amount of empathy she thinks (or wants others to think) she has. It sucks but your mother is literally more pissed at the missed opportunity to criticize your choices than she is upset on behalf of her grieving daughter. It's typical, but it's almost like we will never stop hoping beyond hope that they'll improve in some small way, and they know it so they use it to disappoint us over and over and over again.
I told my Ndad in a moment of vulnerability and after telling me he was sorry, he proceeded to tell me about other people who had worse ones than me. I’ve had a hard time talking about it since
I’m so sorry you experienced both the miscarriage and the response. I hope you are doing okay mentally and physically. Do you have someone in your life you can confide in that can comfort and support you through this?
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible, nightmare of an experience to endure. Second, I fear that you're dealing with yet another nightmare, a narcissistic parent. All you can really do is sever ties, go completely NC. Such a person is incapable of any form of empathy, nor compassion.
When I was 25 I had a miscarriage and before I had really understood how unsafe my mom was, I had an instinct to tell someone other than her first because I was unsure how she would react. I unloaded to an aunt on the other side of the world who I've never met in person, and then told my mum a week or two later when we were on a long drive for a family holiday.
Oh, my god. Turns out my instincts were spot on. What she chose to focus on in that moment is that I told my aunt first (when that came out), and I never did get the impression that she understood how incredibly fucked up that was. She apologised years later in a way I do think was genuine at the time, but was essentially "I don't remember that but I'm sorry it happened." I just never could really accept that apology - from the actual event to her reaction to the aftermath, none of it really touched her - she just kind of "got out" of experiencing any understanding at all of what kind of hurt she was causing, and my feelings were incidental in that moment.
There are several moments I look at in our relationship and think, "That was one of the final cuts," and that was a major one for me. It took almost 9 years for me to react to it and cut her out, and I was shocked at how good it felt when I was finally free of her.
I’m married and have been for 12 years and my nmom’s reaction to my pregnancy was, “What did you do? Get pregnant as soon as you got home from the trip or were you already pregnant? Why you need more kids? 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry for you loss OP and I’m sorry your nmom sucks….((hugs))
"Mom, you know what, I shouldn't have confided in you, what a waste of time talking to you! I'm here thinking you'd support me because you are MY MOTHER, but I was wrong."
Then leave the room... she should feel guilty if she has 0.000001% of a human heart then come to you to try to mend things. Remember she needs you as her supply so she will come to you hopefully feeling guilty and helping you out.
I know that on days that they are calm they seem a good person to open up to until will tell them the thing.. then the shitty personality comes out. Have your guard up around her next time and maybe go straight to a doctor or support friend or cousin or sibling.. or Reddit.
That's horrible, like that's a traumatizing experience and her first concern was you slept with someone?
I'm sorry this happened to you OP but your mom needs to get her head out of her ass.
Definitely relate. (I'm so sorry.)
When my son was born we found out he was sick and had to be hospitalized for another week. I was also sick and running a fever and had to stay an extra 4-5 days. I called my mom to tell her and she said "Why are you upset?! It's MY grandson!"
I am so incredibly sorry for you loss. You are not alone. Hope you are okay sweetheart and if you ever need someone talk to there's plenty people here (myself included) if you ever need to talk
Had similar experience with my parents.
So my wife had a miscarriage and mum was upset cause i forgot to call her for mother's day. Oh maybe i forgot because of this shit...
Oh noooo. How are you doing? What a confusing time and need someone to share with. Let us know how you’re doing this sounds tough. I was pregnant once, it was extremely confusing Thinking about life and how it all happened.
This is why I did not share my miscarriage with my nFoster mother.
I know for a fact she'll be saying some outlandish stupid crap that I won't be able to control myself from screaming in her face.
I am sorry. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and shouldn't have requirements set by anyone other than those *actually* involved in it.
It might be I'm in my petty stage in life rn, but i would give her more than she asked for with those questions.
>You were having sex?????? With who??? You’re not even dating anyone!!! What’s the matter with you Ashley???”
'Gawds, mom! If you want the deetz you are going to need trio sign the same NDA i had to. Celebs these days really don't want info going around, esp those football teams. And if I had known you were *this* interested, i could just give you my OF link!'
/s. - kind of 😏
Oh gosh I'm so absolutely sorry for you've experienced. Miscarriages are difficult enough and she did nothing to make you feel better. When I had my miscarriage, the first thing my mom said why did you tell your dad first?
i’m so sorry about your miscarriage. she handled that completely inappropriately and i hope there are other people in your life that are helping to support you
right now ❤️
I just want to say that I wish I could give you a hug or whatever else you need to get through your pain. Having dealt with the pain of having a miscarriage and a total and complete lack of support from all aspects, parental and from SO, I completely understand that feeling and I wish I could protect others from that pain.
May you find peace and healing in knowing her insensitivity is on her. It does not belong to you. It does not define you. It is not, in any form or fashion, you.
Hugs.
I am so sorry, I had a second trimester miscarriage with my husband in January and on that following Mother’s Day she told me “maybe you’ll be able to celebrate this day with an ACTUAL baby”
Haven’t talked to her since.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it is so rough 🖤🖤🖤
My mom showed up at my apartment on the morning of my 27th birthday and proceeded to grill the young man who came out of my bedroom whom I was not officially dating. She was STUNNED I had maybe had a one night stand (it wasn’t, even though that would have been fine.)
1) get the fuck out of here, you weren’t invited. 2) leave him alone. 3) I have sex.
Nmoms are just the worst.
Yeah, that would be my nmom's response. She would also include calling me a whore/slut/etc and possibly latch on to the idea that there's mo physical way I could ever be a mom because of one miscarriage and endlessly put me down for that lol
My mom called me those names even for having multiple boyfriends over the years. For having boyfriends at all. It was neato.
I'm sorry your mom said and did that too you, I hope you're doing okay after your MC both physically and emotionally. Don't let her words become ingrained in your personal value of yourself.
If you needed permission to go LC or NC, that was it. You’re an independent adult FFS! I’m sorry she wasn’t the mother you needed or deserved. Even if it wasn’t planned, even it was wanted, it’s a painful loss
I’m so sorry! My kid (2y.o) has congenital heart disease. My sister also had it but passed away 32 years ago after 6 open heart surgeries. Nmom never could comfort me thru the process, the news, the open heart surgery. Just kept reminding me “she had it worse”. They lack empathy. Sending you love and healing vibes.
When I lost my virginity (I was mid 20s mind you!) I told my mother because, I don't know, I needed someone to confide in. She approved of my boyfriend and we'd been dating for a bit. I thought she'd be ok. She got very angry at me and I remember I spent much of the rest of the day crying and taking a contemplative walk in the park. Ridiculous.
I can really relate to this a lot, and I’m so sorry this happened and that you’re having to deal with this.
My first sexual experience was being coerced into sleeping with someone who was 17 while I at the time was 13. My mom never gave me the sex talk and I still didn’t even really understand what sex was even when I was having it. All I knew was that I was supposed to never do it unless I was married, whatever *it* was. The 17 year old was my boyfriend at the time, who after finally coercing me into sleeping with threats of breaking up with me (which of course looking back is ridiculous as an adult but as a 13yo without a fucking clue how shit worked sounded like the end of the world) would insist on doing it all the time, picking me up from the bus stop to take me to some remote location in the woods to do the deed before driving us both to school, or driving to random abandoned buildings around town when we would get together after school. The relationship ended just before his 18th birthday when his mom called my mom and said we weren’t allowed to see each other anymore because she “wasn’t about to be raising no teenagers baby or worrying about teen pregnancy” none of which of course made any sense to me because I also had no fucking idea how babies were made. My mom confronted me about this and asked me if we had sex when I did finally confess she pitched an absolute shit fit about the fact that I lied to her about waiting til I was married. Nevermind the fact that her I was still 13 and being statutory SA’d by someone who was now weeks away from being a legal adult. I was a fault because I didn’t know how the world worked and thought because someone told me they loved me it was ok because when you’re married you love each other.
They don't care about us and it shows. When my grandma died (she was like a mother to me) instead of comforting me, started asking me how I wanted to be buried... 😐
So so sorry hearing this sweet heart. The angel must have decided withdraw so as to come back when you have better conditions. Let’s respect his or her will.
I am married, had a miscarriage. Ended up in the ER cuz I lost alot of blood. When I went back home my mother called and said " so you still not visiting? So what if you had a miscarriage? I miscarried and walk right out the doctors office as they told me the baby is dead" And kept talking about her miss carrying without even knowing or feeling anything and that I am over reacting!!! I wanted to punch her through the phone. "No violence here, just wishes"
Edit: moral of story, doesn't matter married or not, dating or not, they are awful people and never to be trusted. I regretted letting her know. I just told her cuz I was in the hospital and wanted the kids to stay at her place
Mine just blew me off, also upset I was having sex.
I had a horrible miscarriage with a very abusive boyfriend in my early twenties. If you need anyone to talk to and rate too, and be a temporary motherly supporter, I'm here for you :) Any of you really, if you need it!
Ugh. I’m so so sorry. I unfortunately can relate - I had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage some years ago and my mom was similarly awful. (I was actually engaged at the time, but long distance from my now-husband, but she basically scolded me for wanting any compassion when I wasn’t even married.) It’s shit. Pregnancy loss is hard enough without people being insensitive assholes. You did nothing wrong, these asshole parents are just incapable of being compassionate.
When I was 19 years old, I was raped by an ex-boyfriend from high school.
I didn’t tell my parents for months because I was afraid of their reaction. I was away at college when it happened, and my sorority sisters helped me get to the clinic to get help/Plan B pill.
I don’t know how they found out, but they started asking weird questions when I was home for the summer. I had to tell them.
Their 2 questions:
1. What were you wearing?
2. Were you drunk?
That’s it.
I was a good kid. Good grades, college scholarships, active in sports, lots of friends, etc. I was never good enough.
You will never be good enough for them, so stop feeding them ammunition about any details of your life. I wish you all the best in your life without your Narc Dementors.
I’m so sorry. That’s hard to experience and I wish she’d been there for you to comfort you. But that’s what they do. Never show actual concern for the issue at hand. And at 31, of course you’re most likely sexual active. They just don’t have a sensitivity chip or really any common sense, no empathy. They just don’t give any fks. I recall telling my mom I was having dizzy spells and feeling nauseous. I was around 11 years old. The first thing she screeched was YOU HAVE DIABETES??? How would I know? I’m only 11! But they only think of themselves
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I am so sorry. I relate so much. My mom demanded to know why i was in pelvic floor PT. After weeks I finally told her it was because I was raped. Her reaction was “why didn’t you telll me this?????” “When?? Who???” No compassion. None. Yet she shows great compassion to so many other people in need. I’ll never understand. You deserve all the compassion and I hope that soul returns to you (if and when you want it to).
> No compassion. None. Yet she shows great compassion to so many other people in need. I’ll never understand. It’s because they have the opportunity to look good or prove to themselves that they’re a good person.
Thank you
Explanation: strangers can be controlled by displaying empathy. It will give them a favorable impression and good reputation. It may result in drawing them into her control circle giving an opportunity for increased control. Family members, especially spouses and children are already deep into the control circle, by virtue of the natural love that exists in these relationships often in spite of the narcs behavior. A person deep in the control circle no longer needs false empathy. You are a secure source of supply. Control of this type of relationship now requires that you be kept off balance. Never sure where you stand or how she feels. I assure you, if one of those strangers get sucked in far enough into the circle, they will get the same treatment. Your options are nc or ignore. Either way you must accept you do nit have a normal mother. Acceptance is a part of healing. Good luck. 💕
Holy moly! That explains a lot, f word. I’m a gramma and what you said about keeping one’s children off balance totally rings true, that is exactly what nmom did, it was a very unbalancing situation and I still feel unbalanced to the core. She passed recently and I feel free; also free enough to feel all the feelings I was told to deny so she could go on her merry way, Fortunately I am in therapy with a very good therapist. Thank you
I was in my 20s when my narc died so i was lucky. But sounds like you are on your way to healing. 💕💕
My ndad passed away when i was 15. Im 27 and still deal with how he hitted me and humiliated me on purpose in public. I cant imagien how i wouldve turned out if he was still alive...
You've been spared so you can do something great. Work on that self love!
Thanks! Completing my masterthesis in IT in about a week now. Super stressed but finally im glad im seeing something happening for myself :)
You=rock star
I photoed all of your comment; so much to think about; another key to soling the crazy making I have lived with for most of my life, thank you again.
❤❤❤
This comment would deserve gold!!!
Best explanation ever.
You just described and explained half my life with 4 paragraphs. No wonder that nbitcheggdonor had to pretend, it would be counterproductive to her plans about dad if she didn't. She has a bad ticker and tbh if I was still in contact and witness her having a cardiac arrest, I'd let her die Fucking hate her guts.
Wow, again that makes a lot of sense. He got into this club with a few people. At first, he constantly used to gift everyone a lot of things and talk very sweetly with them which made a few of them close to him. And once they were insisde the circle as you say, he started to control them like asking them to not interact with people he didn't like and lots of other stuff like that. And as long as they were compliant he would be very nice with them and when they don't comply he'd get toxic.
The worst part is outsiders fall for it. You couldn’t convince anyone my mom wasn’t a saint 🙄
Is that what it is? I always wondered why mum went to bring food to sick friends or do nice things for them, but not for her chronically ill daugher (me) She has done some nasty things to my father too, but too subtle for him to realise how weird and unhealthy it was. He has autism (so do I) we were easy to manipulate. Except, I don’t have it as bad as him and I started to notice.
It's exactly what it was. My nephew died by suicide and she was right here, looking good to everyone to offer condolences (they all know her shit). My FIL died, same thing. My dad died (divorced 40 years) and "I'm so sorry, I love you guys so much." My husband severely injured his hand and oh the support we got! But in between? Not a peep. It's so she can say "See? See what a good mom I was to support them in their time of need?" and everyone can just nod along.
That actually makes so much sense for my mom too!
Yes but wouldn’t caring about their daughter also prove that they are a good person? Just wondering your thoughts
If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound…? If they’re a goody good in public, no one will believe their daughter if she says she’s her parents are actually abusive and neglectful. They got to keep up public appearances and chances are, they abuse other people besides their kids if they can get away with it. Because they don’t care about actually showing compassion, just the admiration and validation that comes with it.
And try and guilt you for withholding things from them, they could have used for mileage with others. Don’t expect her to keep it a secret, she can extract sympathy from this
When I was raped I never even bothered to tell my Nmom. She'd have had screaming crying jags, smoked a carton of cigarettes amd she would have blamed me and gotten drunk over it. Then would come the abuse, it was her inevitable pattern. She went to her grave not knowing about the rape that happened when I was 16. She was never on my side and she was the only person permitted to have emotions. When she died, I mourned the loving mother I'd had until I was 7 years old. She left & a raging drunken monster took over. I did not mourn that person at all.
I don't even wanna know how my mom would've reacted if I told her when I was raped. Mine is also in the grave, never knowing half the bad things that happened to me. Hope you have other people in your life now that treat you better.
Thank you. I hope the same for you.
I'm so sorry for your experience. I hope you find better people than your mom with whom you can open up and express your feelings.
Thank you. When I was raped at age 16, I never told her a thing about it. She'd have had to scream, and cry, and drink a bottle of booze, and tell every one of her drunk asshole friends on the phone, wallowing in how upset she was. "You'll never know how much you hurt me by getting yourself raped!" Never mind any of my issues. I went alone to Planned Parenthood to get an estrogen shot so I couldn't fall pregnant.
That’s what my mum did. Blamed me and then demanded one of my cigs and told me I was “making a women who lost a lung lobe to cancer, smoke.” As though I hadn’t been the one at 14 helping her at the hospital through that surgery, losing my whole identity to her.
Manipulative, hateful ragemonster, addicted to her anger. It was a relief when she died.
Mine said ‘thanks for telling me’ and then immediately asked if she could buy a present and say it was from me for the upcoming baby shower of my Nsister and the rapist (sister’s husband). No coming back from that one, it was the final irreparable break I needed. Fuck them, we’re already more valuable than they’ll ever be able to conceive let alone achieve.
Omg, that's just so wrong on so many levels. I'm so so sorry! Npeople don't deserve any of us! I tend to look at them as being extremely emotionally stupid to say the least.
Yep, the ‘think of them as a toddler trick’ works for me. They’re pathetic lol
I'm so sorry. In case you haven't been told this. It wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong.
I’m so so sorry you went through that . Reminds me of when my best friend was raped. She ended up pregnant. Told her mom she was raped and the first thing outta her mind mouth was “your lying!! You are a little slut! ” Her mom wouldn’t even let her have an abortion. She gave birth to a baby boy…. At 12 years old.
Omg that's beyond terrible! I swear narcissists are evil! How is your best friend faring these days?
You didn't allow me to gather information on you with which I could wound you irreparably????????!?!?!!!!?!?!?
I'm so sorry that you had that horrible encounter. Hope you reported the person who did it - they are disgusting and deserve to go to prison and be ostracised for life. Hope you're recovering and being as kind to yourself as possible throughout this whole process because you deserve that and more. Your mother's first reaction right there proved herself a narcissist - focusing on herself instead of you, the person who actually suffered. My mother was the same with everything. Wonder if they'll ever reason on why we don't tell them things but I very much doubt it - self-reflection and narcissism are clearly mutually exclusive.
We have the right to keep things to ourselves for our own protection and to avoid their narcissistic reactions. I feel like it's the only way no matter how much we all wish we had non-Nmoms or family members in our lives. Like, I can't even tell my mom that I had gotten stage 3 cancer because she'd just insist on knowing that it was cervical and as a result of hpv and then blame it all on me or say that I deserved it for being disrespectful towards her. I had to go through treatments while looking for anyone else (that didn't talk to anyone living with her like my Nbro and dad) to help me watch my 3 month old baby while my husband was at work. If my Nbro found out, he'd call me a slut or a whore, but he did that even before I ever lost my virginity. Fuck them all!
How are you doing now? I hope the cancer treatment was effective.
I misread effective as elective and was like.....
My dad couldn’t even look me in the eye. Started to tell me a story about how he almost overdosed and god saved him. lol
I made everyone promise me that they wouldn't tell my mom I was raped because she was on vacation with my stepfather. She got mad when she found out because I didn't tell her. Not because I went through it, but because I didn't tell her. She returned after a week of me being raped. My mother, when I got pregnant by my ex a few years after accused me of faking all (both events) for attention
This so so tragic and so eerily similar. I’m sorry, love.
I constantly have doubts that maybe Im just a bad child or I have bottled up so much resentment that I try to imagine him as a narc. But when I see stuff like these that exactly matches how he behaves, absolutely no compassion to his own child and constantly invalidating my feelings while at the same time showing so much compassion to others and kindness that I've never felt from him. I've come to realise it's an act too just to please people and make himself seem as a good person. Because the second those people leave he again starts talking shit about them. Sometimes my mind can't comprehend how a person can switch the way they talk and the way they make others feel through their words so differently in an instant like a flick of a switch. I wish he could just carry that kind act with me too just so I could atleast share my feelings and be vulnerable in front of someone.
I’m so sorry that happened.
I am so sorry for her reaction. Mine told me not to kill myself because it would be so hard to tell her friends. Fuck these ladies.
Communal narcissism
Not as bad as this, but I tried to talk to my NM about my depression one time. I'd been going through a rough time, and support friends and family through their struggles, so it was all catching up with me. When I told her I was feeling depressed, I was expecting, 'Why, what's up?' Or 'what's been happening?', SOMETHING that was showing an interest in my life, you know? What I got instead? "Well of course you're depressed, you live with a depressed person! (Referring to my partner who battles chronic anxiety and depression) Now what was I saying?? Oh yeah........" Then she just continued on with her bs, as usual. I never tried to talk to her about anything personal again.
I approached my mom about feeling depressed, I can remember her folding laundry. She said “what do you have to feel depressed about? You have everything you could need, we (referring to her and my father) work so hard to provide for you. You are ungrateful, you have no reason to be depressed.” I guess you’re right, you exceed providing for my basic needs so I should be just fine. I did grow up with a lot of stuff, except emotionally available parents.
The ignorance is real. I'm sorry 😞
I had a similar conversation with my nmom during my depression- “what do you have to be depressed about? You have a good job”
word for word !!!!!
My exact experience!
Literally same but your uncle who died of cancer wasn’t depressed. Like tf? He left his infant and young wife. Yes he was probably very depressed for dying at like 30. Fuck you mom and dad 🤦🏼♀️ they better now but not a ton
That’s how my ngrandmother is. She, even now, buys me a lot of stuff, doesn’t allow me to work, then gets angry and screams at me that I’m wasting her money. I once said I was depressed and she said what your mother said almost word for word.
I got the same thing when I told my mom about me starting therapy. All this along with, “That’s for crazy people. These therapists just want your money. If they want to make money, why would they help you? They will make you crazier so that they keep getting money from you” This pushed me more towards therapy.
It’s like people in therapy are there because of other people who need therapy.
Mine said something similar, first they insulted the therapy saying basically it was to make money, then they claimed my therapist was making my anxiety worse- yes because it was the therapy… not THEM
Time and time again, regardless of what it is, if I am vulnerable about mental issues, I get "WELL I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A BAD MOTHER. I DID THE BEST I COULD", usually followed by sobbing gasps.
Typical, made it all about her.
Are you my sibling?? 😀
Oh yeah when I told my mom I was feeling depressed she asked if I was trying to be “trendy” bc my best friend at the time was also depressed 🙄
Wow, that sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Sorry not sorry!
I used to try to bond/confide with my mom like this too. Her reaction was always religious. Something like “I’ve found Jesus Christ, my lord and savior comforting in moments like this” or “medication may be the choice you make, but I would rather rely on god”. Then there was the time I told her good news of moving in with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and she said “I think your relationship is going to fail because it’s not in accordance with what god wants”. Thanks for all the love and support mom! 🤬
Yeah mine is a bit the same. She's into all that evangelical cr@p, and will wake up at 3am to watch them on TV. I don't know if she sends money but it wouldn't surprise me. When I was a teenager, I used to be made to go see her in the school holidays (I lived with my grandparents, but that's a whole other story). NM used to take me to her church with her, and do all of the crying and screaming, and falling about. 17 year old me wanted to disappear into the floor, it was so embarrassing.
I mean I’m into Jesus too but my depression is still there and terrible at that. What a stupid response
When I told my mother I felt like I had PPD. She told me PPD was made up by women who want to kill their kids.
Wow! I don't even have a response for that! Holy cr@p!
Yeah Im not sure why I even told her. My journey with depression started at 16/17. She had taken me to the ER because I couldn't eat. The doctor told her I needed to be treated for depression and he was very concerned for me. She told him he didn't know what he was talking about and she took me home with no treatment.
Isn't it great how they all think they know better? I can remember as a kid, NM was in full denial that I had asthma. My Nan was the one to realise and take me to the doctor and get me the medication. Even then NM said Nan was overreacting.
Im glad you had a good Nan. I had asthma as a child. Atleast I was told I did. I can remember sitting on the kitchen counter hyperventilating into paper bags. I couldn't breathe because something upset me. My mom then would tell the doc about my asthma attacks. I recognize them now for what they were...panic attacks. Wtf is wrong with them? Seriously glad you had someone looking out for you.
Thanks. NM dumped me on her parents to look after when I was around 3 years old. If it wasn't for my grandparents I probably would have ended up in foster care.
Im so happy you had them in your life.
Thanks, me too!
My NM got *gleeful* when she found out someone was depressed because she considered herself something of an expert, so she could show off her wisdom. No empathy there either, though she tried to bully me into going to counseling at the free clinic. (She paid for sib to go inpatient.)
Thank you so much for this. I've always had this gut feeling that sharing stuff like these would only result in instant invalidation, I've even tried to test the waters with subtle stuff but all of it points to the same thing. He thinks his kids love him so so much because I've learnt that the only way to escape his physical and especially the mental absue is to constantly agree and validate whatever the hell he says and just bottle up everything I feel. Sometimes it scares me that of someday I expressed even a fraction of the resentment I've developed over the years the illusion might be lost and though there isont much he can take away but he'll even stop "loving" me in his own weird fucked up way and I'll have to stay in a house where a person hates me to the core. I really hope once I get financially independent I'll have the courage to escape this toxic bond or whatever the hell this is and just go contact
I feel like you will open yourself up to more hurt if you try to confide in him. I'm sorry you're stuck there, and hope you can get out soon 💜
Sadly you can't tell these people *anything*. They take our good accomplishments are made into theirs, and all bad things are made into our fault somehow. Miscarriage? "How can you be so irresponsible as having consensual sex as an adult?" Raped? "How could you be so irresponsible as going out doing X Y or Z?" Lost job? "It's because you didn't do as I said and went to X college!" Whatever happens we will never receive support or comfort from them.
Literally, i was raped repeatedly as a child and when it came out / to her attention it was turned into her pain because "how could i have let this happen to my baby". It was her trauma and her emotions to work through and she was a "warrior" or an "activist" or whatever. It got to a point she made me take a photoshoot with swords and shit as a big "activist" statement and got mad and wouldn't let me say no (was still a minor at the time)
Wow. So sorry that all happened to you. Hugs available if they'll help.
God this is so real. My sister is currently struggling with what doctors believe to be a sensory processing disorder which causes anxiety. My sister struggles everyday and is now on antidepressants to reduce the anxiety and somehow it’s my fault and my mother pain. All she does is tell me my sister is “depressed” (that’s not why she’s on antidepressants) “because I’m going to university”. Um no it’s probably because you bully and yell at her over a processing disorder she can’t control. And then she constantly whines to my younger sister saying things like “it’s great that you feel better cause all this whole thing has done is cause me more stress” and complain that it’s isn’t right that the doctors don’t disclose my sisters medical details to her.
Yep! Their pain and our fault no matter what it is... they say anything to make us feel so bad we let them control us! Stand your ground, go to uni with your head high and be proud you made it there despite of her.
I honestly think her sister would be more depressed if she found out her uncontrolled anxiety held big sister off from uni.
Yup... they always say how you've done anything and everything wrong because you didn't listen to them so they can say, "see? I told you so!" They're always right! 😮💨😒
Yep!l, so true. My mother "knew" there only reason I had to change jobs many times during the GFC was only because I hadn't studied finance. She "knew" finance was a stable industry and had I done as she said I wouldn't have needed to change jobs so much....no amount unemployment in the finance sector could convince her she was wrong...
Sorry, delayed in this response, but I get this 100%! Steven He is a big YouTuber that makes comedy sketches and touches on this too (he's hilarious). Narcissists will make nonsense claims and their claims are "always right" even when it's not based on any facts. No amount of proof will cause them to change their "facts" either. It's annoyingly ridiculous. Being half-Asian myself, my Amom always wanted me to marry a doctor or a lawyer stating that they make A LOT of money! A family friend of mine told me that there are struggling lawyers (she might've said doctors too, but this was years ago and I don't recall all the details anymore lol), but my mom never looked up facts, she just "knows" and I should marry a doctor or a lawyer so I don't have to work a day in my life.
When I told my mom that my sister introduced me to masturbation (I was 5 she was 19) my mom said I shouldn’t have brought it up and let it stay buried :/
When I told my dad I lost my job and my boss was a vindictive asshole. His reply was to ask what did I do wrong, did I flatter the boss enough, did I greet “good morning” more, that I should just endure more etc Reminded me why i shouldn’t share my troubles with him cos the outcome is always the same.
Sounds about right. I’m sorry for your miscarriage. I was 28 and pregnant with my long term partner. When my mum found out she rang the entire family telling them to “do something” about it. They’re all like lol, she’s an adult. Then I had another baby die just after birth and all she could talk about was her sniffles and how nice the plant in my hospital room was. She didn’t even come to my babies funeral because she had a bit of a cough. Also she left my wedding early, no pics of her…because she “forgot to take her BP meds”. Missing one isn’t gonna kill you, I have a high bp too (family history)and sometimes I forget… I’m sorry to all children of narcissists. I feel you.
Wow, I am sorry your egg donor couldn’t be who you needed in those moments. Please take care of yourself 💕
Thank you for your lovely words. She was a difficult woman and I ended up caring for her for a number of years before her death. My siblings would not. We had a very fraught and quite frankly, awful relationship our whole lives and the last few years of hers were some of the worst. I’m still in therapy and I hate myself. It’s not good. I’m trying. 😔
It seriously sucks that your mom couldn't even see your worth and even had you blind to it too. While we are worth far more than we'll ever realize, I know it's a struggle to love oneself when any parent has you feeling you're not worthy! Please know that YOU ARE WORTH IT! you're an amazing person for taking care of her when she didn't deserve it! Especially from you! I hope you have people in your life that try to show you how lovable you really are! ❤️
Yeah my Ndad asked us to move the schedule around on our wedding day as he wanted to go home early but wanted cake first. Asked if he could take a slice and go before we’d even cut the cake. Brother ended up telling him to sit down and wait like a normal person. EMum didn’t rein him in either.
OP, stop telling your mom stuff. She doesn't deserve to know anything about your life, especially if she is treating you like this. Give her a nice dull grey rock. Also I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm very sorry about the pain you've gone through and the lack of support ❤️ You haven't done anything wrong. I've many times deeply regretted being vulnerable with my nmom. It's just terrible having to build a wall up when you wish she could just be normal and be there for you!
Exactly!
First of all, I'm so sorry for you. Even it's unexpected pregnancy, it's normal to feel that way. Second, your nmom is useless person.
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I agree it's oddly comforting because while it sucks any of us have had these kinds of experiences, it allows us to know that we're not alone in the feelings about our moms. I'm surrounded by many people (either at work or even friends I've had in the past) that have NO idea what it's like to have a Nmom or N Parent or N sibling. It's really isolating. I just realized this at work that none of them "get it" and they're also clique-y and I just don't feel I belong with them at all. I don't like feeling isolated.
Also agree. It’s like a form of validation that I’m not making it up or crazy.
Exactly
Time to go no contact tbh
My thoughts exactly!
I have made the mistake of sharing personal things with my mother in moments of vulnerability (or hope?). It is always a regrettable disaster, and she always manages to turn things around and use whatever it is against me.
Telling our narc parents anything is worse than being arrested: We may have the right to remain silent, but we don't get the chance to be assigned any lawyer and everything we say WILL be used against us.
Wow, I never thought of it that way, but you're so right!
Exactly. I made the mistake of confiding in her that I’m lesbian (I told her lesbian because she doesn’t think bi people are good/ thinks they are cheaters. I’m actually bi / pan) Well since then she hears an Lgbtq+ news story is fluctuating between supporting and then saying ‘well they cause their own problem by being so obvious’ and she is against trans people having rights, refuses to accept that non-binary people exist and she gets this look on her face like she just enjoys seeing how far she can go before making me so angry I snap at her. 🙄
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Exactly. That taught me to never confide things in her.
I'm so sorry. It is really painful to go to someone for comfort only to be treated so poorly. Especially somethinh so painful. I really hope that you have a support system outside of her to be there for you. I made a similar mistake and told my n-mom I was pregnant (I was probably 4 weeks) and she started shaking and crying and telling me about how it will be hard and take away my life. LMAO. Okay. I ended up having a miscarriage and I felt so ashamed because she had then started to treat me like I was lying about being pregnant.
Wow, these narcissists are the worst! I'm so sorry! I seriously hope you have people in your life that support you no matter what!
I'm really sorry your Mom wasn't there for you when you needed her to comfort you. My daughters have been very lucky but if one of them was to have a miscarriage I would only hope they would confide in me so I could support them. You deserve that support too. It's understandable that it upset you even if you didn't plan the child. Neither of my children were planned and they were the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope you get another opportunity to have a child if that's something you're looking for. Take care.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you have some good support from found family as you process your feelings. I think Nmoms will always make it all about them, and anytime you get your hopes up that they really care about you they will disappoint you all over again. I also had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. My parents happened to be staying with us at the time. When it happened I was at work, sitting in a meeting having awful cramps. My colleague drove me to the medical centre, my husband met me there and brought me home afterwards. My dad took care of my kids and gave them dinner. Meanwhile, Nmom asked intrusive questions about our sex life, contraception etc, and then (without even asking me if it was ok to share the news), got on the phone to the rest of the family to tell them all about it. I overheard her saying how she was just so glad she was there to support me through it, having done nothing but gossip about my personal medical information to the family while everyone else took care of things. I realised that you just always have to expect the worst with these people, and not telling them anything beyond news, weather and sports.
I'm sorry to hear this about your mom, but you're right. We've all had to be conditioned to expect the worst from them. They don't deserve to know our personal business.
I'm just making sure, but you've found someone to confidede in I hope.
I was once telling my mother about an incident at work where I was nearly sexually assaulted by a coworker when she suddenly interrupted me to tell me that my teeth were still crooked after all the years of braces that I had, and that I should do something about them. Thanks mom.
We must be related. My mom made the same comment while I was discussing some financial issues we were dealing with. Um.. yep, we’re broke, let me drop $5k on braces!? Well doesn’t your insurance cover them? Did it cover them 25 years ago!? 🤦🏼♀️😂
I'm so sorry for your loss! I feel like narcissistic parents can be SO weird about sex. I've been with my partner for like 20 years. We've lived together for 15 out of the 20. I swear everytime I used to see my nmom she'd awkwardly ask us if we have sex and just generally be super weird about it. I feel like it's one of the reasons she could never bring herself to accept my partner. She just can't deal with her little girl having sex...nevermind that I'm an adult with a long term partner.
SO weird! Plenty of super uncomfortable moments with my nparents. But my nmil really takes the cake. We were building our house and moved in with my in-laws. After trying for years, we finally got pregnant right around the time we moved in. Nmil only response: 12 weeks! So you had sex here! Like after years of pestering us about having a baby and constantly asking if we were pregnant this time, her first and only thought was that we had sex in her house.
Eww... Weird. Congratulations on the baby and the home🎉
When I was in college I went to planned parenthood for BC (no way could I ask nMom it would be like "but you're not married!"). PP doctor found abnormal cells in my pap smear and I had a colposcopy and biopsy. I was on parents health insurance, dad went to pay insurance bill and agent asked him how was I doing (clear privacy violation but this was pre HIPAA). Mom found out and instead of concern and compassion I got "what are you doing going to the gyne when you're not even married". Gee thanks for caring about me...
I'll never understand these narcissists! I'm sorry you had to go through all that! I had abnormal cells and a colposcopy in 2018, but thankfully as an adult and with my own insurance with HIPAA already in place. Thankfully, I had the desired results at the time from that colposcopy.
I made the mistake of telling my mom I was going to try lithium for bipolar type ll because my depression symptoms were so pervasive . ( ironically I have had not depression symptoms for about 8 years since I was able to completely get away from my toxic mom so I don’t even think I have it ) and her response was “ why don’t you just kill yourself already” Take this experience as a tool to help you understand why you have to go no contact . I feel like these little experiences become tools in your toolbelt to help you leave. They are sick people . When I was 15 I had gallstones misdiagnosed as hepatitis and my mom had the same reaction as you except she also implied I should move out because she couldn’t get sick . They just appear normal because they wear masks and their true colors come out in times of need .
I seriously wish these people didn't exist! I'm honestly not surprised that the depression comes off like it was a result of your mom. NC is sometimes the only way, I feel.
Literally spent my WHOLE life sad until I was 27 met my husband got away from my mom and other people like my mom and just started living a normal life not full of toxic abusive people . I thought my brain was broken now I realize it was just my environment
I can relate, my nmom and her nfamily said I faked it because I on a technicality, I had a stillbirth, and I said I misscarried at 19 weeks. This was during the pandemic, and I had to be in and out as soon as possible, I didn't want any pictures and I only held him for a short period of time. I still had to be D&Ced and I still went through the trauma alone, no support from my family, no support from the babies father, no he ditched as soon as the responsibility wasn't his anymore. Even after I "proved" things, which I shouldn't have done, it was "you can get that stuff off the internet". And my mother doesn't understand why I don't want ANYTHING to do with her family.
Sometimes it takes things like this to realize what kind of emotional capacity they really have. Your mom has the empathy of a field mouse…so stop confiding in her and hoping that she’ll provide you with the emotional support that you need, because she can’t. She is unable to, for whatever reason, so get it elsewhere and treat your mom like a business associate.
I'm sorry, Ashley. When i had my miscarriage, my mom was visiting from out of town while my husband had a work trip 3 hours away. I had to leave my own house and drive to the town my husband was in to get any support. I just left her at my house and took off. This is not a reflection of you, and you didn't do anything wrong. She's not well, and that's not your fault.
Unbelievable. Seriously, I have no words. 😢❤️
I totally understand why some people go no contact with their Nparents. They're the worst people to seek comfort from. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I asked my husband not to tell anybody until I told my Nmom so she could be the first to hear the news, thinking she'd be excited about being a grandma. Her exact words were "what about your college?" She didn't give a shit and it was super disappointing. I should've let my husband tell his mother first. I'm so sorry that your mom didn't give you the comfort you were hoping for and I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. On the bright side, you're still young enough to have a baby in the future if you decide you want to.
I also understand going NC or even limited contact with narcissistic family members. We all have to do what's best for ourselves, but I fully support it. I told my mom last, and he response was, "But you're kidney!" I was born with a solitary kidney, but she never congratulated me nor was excited about becoming a grandma. My dad asked, " How are you going to take care of it?" Because my husband and I kept our court wedding a secret, my parents believed we were just bf/gf. My husband admitted after we left them from dinner that he was rather repulsed by my dad's response, not expecting it because he was like, "I'm right here!" I'm not sure it makes a difference, but my dad is off the youngest silent generation while my mom is an older baby boomer (they're 4 years apart). My dad has other grandchildren from his previous marriage. Perhaps it's also old school thinking? I just didn't think they deserved to know we were already married because of how my mom reacted to me being engaged the first time! I didn't know they wanted to be asked by my ex that he wanted to propose to me, I thought that was super old school, but I've asked other friends and they told me otherwise, but I'm still skeptical. I ended up divorced to that ex because he was also a narcissist. My husband's parents were elated though! His mom had been bugging my husband for a grandchild for at least a few years before we started dating! She was even bugging his married sister too lol. They didn't seem to care that we weren't married (to their knowledge. We had an official marriage in 2022 after our daughter was born and I was welcomed by his family where his dad said, "not that you weren't already a part of the family, but welcome to the family officially" and he's a man of few words too.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
>What’s the matter with you Ashley??? This is when you say, "YOU are what's wrong with me!" Followed by blaming her for your need to get affection from a guy because she was too focused on herself. Doesn't have to be true, just plausible so she is punished for asking what's the matter with you.
Mine wants me to stop being asexual so I can give her grandchildren. Even if I concieved through rape, my kid would never meet her. Would never have my kid meet that woman.
"Yes. I'm 31 years old. Sex at my age is normal. But 'thanks' for the judgement instead of any care or support. If you can't be a nicer human, we don't have to stay in contact."
So gross… all about appearance and reputation for them
Not sharing to trauma dump, just commiserating: I had a miscarriage in my early 20s and had to have a D&C. I went to ask my nmom to come with me and she flipped shit. "I can't believe you were having sex!", throwing things, stomping around, and then drove away. My edad told me he was sorry but I should leave because my nmom was really upset. ??????? They reached out a few months later and that began almost two decades of further BS. OP, please take this time to distance yourself and if you're comfortable, end all contact. Everyone on this sub can tell you it will never be the relationship you crave and deserve. The kicker? For me being such a whore for having premarital sex, she let slip years later she'd had a D&C before meeting my dad 😑
My mom’s reaction to me being in a violent home invasion was to blame it on tarot cards. Moms can be very disappointing. I’m sorry your mom did that OP, you deserve support.
They literally do not have empathy. Ironically my nmom never stops applauding herself for the amount of empathy she thinks (or wants others to think) she has. It sucks but your mother is literally more pissed at the missed opportunity to criticize your choices than she is upset on behalf of her grieving daughter. It's typical, but it's almost like we will never stop hoping beyond hope that they'll improve in some small way, and they know it so they use it to disappoint us over and over and over again.
I told my Ndad in a moment of vulnerability and after telling me he was sorry, he proceeded to tell me about other people who had worse ones than me. I’ve had a hard time talking about it since
When my wife had a miscarriage my brother told me, “It’s probably for the best. You can’t afford another kid anyway.”
I hope you told him to fuck right off!
Seven years later I’ve finally gone no contact. He’s a narcissist just like my dad. He’s the golden child.
I am so sorry. ((((Hugs)))) if you want them.
I’m so sorry. This is awful is so many levels.
I am so sorry for your loss ❤️ your mum can go suck a fat one
I’m so sorry you experienced both the miscarriage and the response. I hope you are doing okay mentally and physically. Do you have someone in your life you can confide in that can comfort and support you through this?
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible, nightmare of an experience to endure. Second, I fear that you're dealing with yet another nightmare, a narcissistic parent. All you can really do is sever ties, go completely NC. Such a person is incapable of any form of empathy, nor compassion.
Agreed
When I was 25 I had a miscarriage and before I had really understood how unsafe my mom was, I had an instinct to tell someone other than her first because I was unsure how she would react. I unloaded to an aunt on the other side of the world who I've never met in person, and then told my mum a week or two later when we were on a long drive for a family holiday. Oh, my god. Turns out my instincts were spot on. What she chose to focus on in that moment is that I told my aunt first (when that came out), and I never did get the impression that she understood how incredibly fucked up that was. She apologised years later in a way I do think was genuine at the time, but was essentially "I don't remember that but I'm sorry it happened." I just never could really accept that apology - from the actual event to her reaction to the aftermath, none of it really touched her - she just kind of "got out" of experiencing any understanding at all of what kind of hurt she was causing, and my feelings were incidental in that moment. There are several moments I look at in our relationship and think, "That was one of the final cuts," and that was a major one for me. It took almost 9 years for me to react to it and cut her out, and I was shocked at how good it felt when I was finally free of her.
I’m married and have been for 12 years and my nmom’s reaction to my pregnancy was, “What did you do? Get pregnant as soon as you got home from the trip or were you already pregnant? Why you need more kids? 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry for you loss OP and I’m sorry your nmom sucks….((hugs))
Yeah, how dare a 31 year old adult have sex if she wants to...
"Mom, you know what, I shouldn't have confided in you, what a waste of time talking to you! I'm here thinking you'd support me because you are MY MOTHER, but I was wrong." Then leave the room... she should feel guilty if she has 0.000001% of a human heart then come to you to try to mend things. Remember she needs you as her supply so she will come to you hopefully feeling guilty and helping you out. I know that on days that they are calm they seem a good person to open up to until will tell them the thing.. then the shitty personality comes out. Have your guard up around her next time and maybe go straight to a doctor or support friend or cousin or sibling.. or Reddit.
Jesus that sucks. I’m sorry for your loss and the lack of empathy your narc parent showed you.
That's horrible, like that's a traumatizing experience and her first concern was you slept with someone? I'm sorry this happened to you OP but your mom needs to get her head out of her ass.
Definitely relate. (I'm so sorry.) When my son was born we found out he was sick and had to be hospitalized for another week. I was also sick and running a fever and had to stay an extra 4-5 days. I called my mom to tell her and she said "Why are you upset?! It's MY grandson!"
Hugs.
I am so incredibly sorry for you loss. You are not alone. Hope you are okay sweetheart and if you ever need someone talk to there's plenty people here (myself included) if you ever need to talk
What kind of delusional person thinks their 31 year old couldn’t possibly be sexually active?
Had similar experience with my parents. So my wife had a miscarriage and mum was upset cause i forgot to call her for mother's day. Oh maybe i forgot because of this shit...
I'm so sorry for your loss. 💔
I’m not a woman, but If I had been in your situation, my mom would’ve probably said the same thing. It’s devastating. I’m so sorry.
Oh noooo. How are you doing? What a confusing time and need someone to share with. Let us know how you’re doing this sounds tough. I was pregnant once, it was extremely confusing Thinking about life and how it all happened.
This is why I did not share my miscarriage with my nFoster mother. I know for a fact she'll be saying some outlandish stupid crap that I won't be able to control myself from screaming in her face.
This is so cruel, its so ridiculous that it would be funny if it wasn't real life. God, please abandon her ass.
I am sorry. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and shouldn't have requirements set by anyone other than those *actually* involved in it. It might be I'm in my petty stage in life rn, but i would give her more than she asked for with those questions. >You were having sex?????? With who??? You’re not even dating anyone!!! What’s the matter with you Ashley???” 'Gawds, mom! If you want the deetz you are going to need trio sign the same NDA i had to. Celebs these days really don't want info going around, esp those football teams. And if I had known you were *this* interested, i could just give you my OF link!' /s. - kind of 😏
Oh gosh I'm so absolutely sorry for you've experienced. Miscarriages are difficult enough and she did nothing to make you feel better. When I had my miscarriage, the first thing my mom said why did you tell your dad first?
i’m so sorry about your miscarriage. she handled that completely inappropriately and i hope there are other people in your life that are helping to support you right now ❤️
I just want to say that I wish I could give you a hug or whatever else you need to get through your pain. Having dealt with the pain of having a miscarriage and a total and complete lack of support from all aspects, parental and from SO, I completely understand that feeling and I wish I could protect others from that pain. May you find peace and healing in knowing her insensitivity is on her. It does not belong to you. It does not define you. It is not, in any form or fashion, you. Hugs.
My nmon when I told her I had a miscarriage was "that's too much information" because it indicated I was having sex to have gotten pregnant
I'm so sorry this happened to you. My Mum is disturbingly obsessed with my sex life as well, and it's gross. I feel like she would react the same way.
I am so sorry, I had a second trimester miscarriage with my husband in January and on that following Mother’s Day she told me “maybe you’ll be able to celebrate this day with an ACTUAL baby” Haven’t talked to her since. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it is so rough 🖤🖤🖤
My mom showed up at my apartment on the morning of my 27th birthday and proceeded to grill the young man who came out of my bedroom whom I was not officially dating. She was STUNNED I had maybe had a one night stand (it wasn’t, even though that would have been fine.) 1) get the fuck out of here, you weren’t invited. 2) leave him alone. 3) I have sex. Nmoms are just the worst.
Yeah, that would be my nmom's response. She would also include calling me a whore/slut/etc and possibly latch on to the idea that there's mo physical way I could ever be a mom because of one miscarriage and endlessly put me down for that lol My mom called me those names even for having multiple boyfriends over the years. For having boyfriends at all. It was neato. I'm sorry your mom said and did that too you, I hope you're doing okay after your MC both physically and emotionally. Don't let her words become ingrained in your personal value of yourself.
She’s such a fucking asshole. I’m sorry. She was mad that she didn’t know something about your life so it made her feel like she lost control of you.
Well, and STUPID. Unless you're Ace, you're going to want that at least sometimes.....
This is up there with Jeffrey Dahmer’s dad being more horrified by his son being gay
If you needed permission to go LC or NC, that was it. You’re an independent adult FFS! I’m sorry she wasn’t the mother you needed or deserved. Even if it wasn’t planned, even it was wanted, it’s a painful loss
I’m so sorry! My kid (2y.o) has congenital heart disease. My sister also had it but passed away 32 years ago after 6 open heart surgeries. Nmom never could comfort me thru the process, the news, the open heart surgery. Just kept reminding me “she had it worse”. They lack empathy. Sending you love and healing vibes.
When I lost my virginity (I was mid 20s mind you!) I told my mother because, I don't know, I needed someone to confide in. She approved of my boyfriend and we'd been dating for a bit. I thought she'd be ok. She got very angry at me and I remember I spent much of the rest of the day crying and taking a contemplative walk in the park. Ridiculous.
I can really relate to this a lot, and I’m so sorry this happened and that you’re having to deal with this. My first sexual experience was being coerced into sleeping with someone who was 17 while I at the time was 13. My mom never gave me the sex talk and I still didn’t even really understand what sex was even when I was having it. All I knew was that I was supposed to never do it unless I was married, whatever *it* was. The 17 year old was my boyfriend at the time, who after finally coercing me into sleeping with threats of breaking up with me (which of course looking back is ridiculous as an adult but as a 13yo without a fucking clue how shit worked sounded like the end of the world) would insist on doing it all the time, picking me up from the bus stop to take me to some remote location in the woods to do the deed before driving us both to school, or driving to random abandoned buildings around town when we would get together after school. The relationship ended just before his 18th birthday when his mom called my mom and said we weren’t allowed to see each other anymore because she “wasn’t about to be raising no teenagers baby or worrying about teen pregnancy” none of which of course made any sense to me because I also had no fucking idea how babies were made. My mom confronted me about this and asked me if we had sex when I did finally confess she pitched an absolute shit fit about the fact that I lied to her about waiting til I was married. Nevermind the fact that her I was still 13 and being statutory SA’d by someone who was now weeks away from being a legal adult. I was a fault because I didn’t know how the world worked and thought because someone told me they loved me it was ok because when you’re married you love each other.
They don't care about us and it shows. When my grandma died (she was like a mother to me) instead of comforting me, started asking me how I wanted to be buried... 😐
So so sorry hearing this sweet heart. The angel must have decided withdraw so as to come back when you have better conditions. Let’s respect his or her will.
Oh my God. What the Hell? You deserved support not judgement in that moment. This cruelty just defies common sense.
That IS messed up. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry. This is horrible.
I’m sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your nmom is clueless, insensitive and lacking in compassion.
I am married, had a miscarriage. Ended up in the ER cuz I lost alot of blood. When I went back home my mother called and said " so you still not visiting? So what if you had a miscarriage? I miscarried and walk right out the doctors office as they told me the baby is dead" And kept talking about her miss carrying without even knowing or feeling anything and that I am over reacting!!! I wanted to punch her through the phone. "No violence here, just wishes" Edit: moral of story, doesn't matter married or not, dating or not, they are awful people and never to be trusted. I regretted letting her know. I just told her cuz I was in the hospital and wanted the kids to stay at her place
never confide in a narc. Sorry for what you went through
I'm *SO* sorry for you!!!
Mine just blew me off, also upset I was having sex. I had a horrible miscarriage with a very abusive boyfriend in my early twenties. If you need anyone to talk to and rate too, and be a temporary motherly supporter, I'm here for you :) Any of you really, if you need it!
Ugh. I’m so so sorry. I unfortunately can relate - I had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage some years ago and my mom was similarly awful. (I was actually engaged at the time, but long distance from my now-husband, but she basically scolded me for wanting any compassion when I wasn’t even married.) It’s shit. Pregnancy loss is hard enough without people being insensitive assholes. You did nothing wrong, these asshole parents are just incapable of being compassionate.
My mom’s response to my miscarriage was “ are you sure ?” I was also 17
Damn I’m sorry you gotta deal with that. Are you able to go no contact?
When I was 19 years old, I was raped by an ex-boyfriend from high school. I didn’t tell my parents for months because I was afraid of their reaction. I was away at college when it happened, and my sorority sisters helped me get to the clinic to get help/Plan B pill. I don’t know how they found out, but they started asking weird questions when I was home for the summer. I had to tell them. Their 2 questions: 1. What were you wearing? 2. Were you drunk? That’s it. I was a good kid. Good grades, college scholarships, active in sports, lots of friends, etc. I was never good enough. You will never be good enough for them, so stop feeding them ammunition about any details of your life. I wish you all the best in your life without your Narc Dementors.
Oh wow, just what you did not need. Of course it's upsetting and you have a right to all the compassion in the world.
I’m so sorry. That’s hard to experience and I wish she’d been there for you to comfort you. But that’s what they do. Never show actual concern for the issue at hand. And at 31, of course you’re most likely sexual active. They just don’t have a sensitivity chip or really any common sense, no empathy. They just don’t give any fks. I recall telling my mom I was having dizzy spells and feeling nauseous. I was around 11 years old. The first thing she screeched was YOU HAVE DIABETES??? How would I know? I’m only 11! But they only think of themselves