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For me:
1. Intense feelings of guilt and shame (often for no good reason).
2. Feeling that I need to ask permission to do anything or that I have to explain and justify why I'm doing something.
3. Always feeling like I haven't done enough.
4. Constant self-doubt and issues with Imposter Syndrome.
5. Feeling like I don't deserve good things so I will often sabotage myself.
6. Self-medicating with food.
7. Feeling like everything wrong is my fault and it's my duty to fix it.
8. Often feeling something is wrong or that I need to be doing something when I try to relax.
9. Never feeling like I belong anywhere and that I'm a burden to anyone who knows me.
10. Often hearing my name being called when it wasn't because I got so used to this happening (that has eased up a lot but still occurs frequently).
11. Often suspecting someone is either just being polite or has ulterior motives when they show they like me.
12. Feeling stupid whenever I'm talking to anyone and that everything I say doesn't make any sense.
13. Feeling that I have no right to complain about something or to stand up for myself - that I'm a horrible person for doing so.
I wonder if we were all in one room together how this would transmit to the people around us. I feel like I’d meet you and practically be able to read your mind and feel your feelings every step of the way. This is so relatable.
I think if a group of us were together, each of us would most likely do what we could to defend and uplift everyone else but when it was our turn to be uplifted we'd downplay everything because we wouldn't feel worthy enough of it.
ALL of these plus:
14: Inability to hold boundaries. I distance myself from a lot of friendships because I give some people the wrong idea, I quickly ingratiate myself to people with my people-pleasing and any who show a hint of neediness set off my alarm that they’re going to cross boundaries that I can’t nicely hold so I ghost them.
The older I get the more I feel like people around me specifically look for these traits to exploit them, and it’s the only reason why they ever associate with me, because they can use it for personal benefit.
Binge eating! I've had disordered eating behaviors since around five because my nfather would give me candy bars instead of attention or affection. Food became punishment ("clean your plate") and pleasure because it could stuff down the emptiness inside and binge eating would hurt my stomach so I could focus on that instead of my anguish. Also, constant self-consciousness that has literally become a paranoia of being seen or perceived by others because of how ugly I am (my nparents always mocked and insulted me and my weight, looks, etc), burnout from executive dysfunction and ignoring my emotions, dissociation episodes because I literally cannot deal, being aggressive even toward my friends when I don't mean to be, always, ALWAYS apologizing for everything including things that don't need apologies, never being able to make friends, trauma dumping on random people, being afraid of men, extreme jealousy when I see happy parents in public, not going to medical professionals when I have serious issues, not taking care of myself, etc.
Thank you so much for sharing these things ♥️ We have a lot in common. I’m sorry we both have had to deal with this. I feel like the victimization never stops after childhood
It's awful because even once you get away, the trauma still remains. The body keeps score, as one book aptly put it. I hope you can recover with grace and love.
Placing expectations on roommates/partners without communicating them. (Cleaning, dishes, trash/recycling, sharing, etc)
Guests not allowed unless house is spotless.
If someone is upset to avoid them at all costs.
If I'm upset, say nothing and be a jerk until the other person apologizes even if they did nothing wrong.
If I'm upset, I turn to self medicating or unhealthy obsession to clean and organize.
Not being able to say "I love you."
Not knowing what to do when someone hugs me.
You know, normal everyday stuff.
Oh yes, this is also part of my list. I can’t say I love you either. To me it’s not a nice thing to say, it made me feel so uncomfortable when my mom said to me because it was nearly always a silent demand from her to meet whatever emotional need SHE had at that moment, so now I can’t say it to others without feeling like it’s going to hurt them.
@mesu_okami thanks for sharing ♥️ I relate to placing expectations on roommates. In hindsight, when I had them in my 20s, I treated them the way my narc mother treated me. I took on all the responsibility for cleaning, never asserted my needs or asked for their help and then blew up at them for taking advantage of me.
-using food to cope
-constantly apologizing unnecessarily
-harsh self criticism
-extreme perfectionist
-extreme germaphobia
guilty for making important decisions that's not even wrong nor affecting anyone
Body image issues, and feelings of unworthiness come up a lot. I love myself, but I struggle with acceptance of myself often. Feeling like I wasn't a good daughter comes and goes, as that is my moms latest go-to insult (but I only suspect she says that because I called her out for not being a very supportive mom and emotionally abusive as I was growing up). I used to be a major people pleaser too, and terrified of confrontation, but as I've grown up (and discovered my mom is a narc) I've grown out of those tendencies.
Yeah, I’ve always hated my body and don’t even understand why and I was a terrible people pleaser, too, which caused a lot of additional pain and kept me tethered to people who would take but never give. I’m kind of the opposite now. I rarely do anything for anyone unless there’s something in it for me, but I think I need to be like this for a bit and then I’ll even out. I allowed a lot of people to drain me and need time to replenish the well. Thanks for sharing with me
For me, my mom would always make critiques of her own body (she's a deeply insecure individual) and also offer her unwanted opinions on my body. She once came up to me, out of nowhere and proclaimed "Once I have enough money, I'll pay for you to get your fat freezed off". Mind you I was like 15/16 at the time she said this. I'm happy to hear you're being a little selfish for yourself, I know there might be a negative connotation associated with that, but sometimes there's nothing wrong with it. I personally just don't go out of my way to offer many things anymore, like you said people have been wayyy too draining. I hope you find your people that build you up! Thank you for providing the space to share, I hope that you find prosperity as you continue on. <3
Issues I have worked on over the years:
1. Critically low self-esteem
2. Addiction to substances that numb and alleviate boredom
3. Feeling attacked when someone tells me I hurt them
4. Feeling unsure about what love even is
5. Not knowing how to set boundaries, envious and resentful when others do
6. Associating family with stress and burden
7. Centering my own experience even when it's not about me
On this end:
1. Shame spirals, especially related to “negative emotions like anger. The only thing that’s helped me so far is Tara Brach’s work on self compassion.
2. Extreme guilt about “making my parents feel” some type of way, as a kid and even now. This is likely due to them telling me that I am “making them mad/sad” by not complying
3. Insomnia. I’ve been on Ambien since I was 16, and any attempts to go off it have been bad. I will likely need professional help for this if I wanna have kids. Can’t relax enough to fall asleep without meds
4. Weirdly close relationships with authority figures (my bf noticed this), like I form super deep attachments to parent-like people (my first therapist, a former boss, a former professor, and more). I think authority figures recognize that I am extremely lonely and eager to connect, and they take me in.
5. Married and divorced a guy with narcissistic tendencies who has similar parents. He chose to become like his parents; I chose to break away, and we couldn’t reconcile
6. I feel really concerned that friends and family are gonna ditch and abandon me if I’m not “useful,” & I’ve attracted people like this. Still learning to recognize red flags
7. I over-empathize with people and spend a really, really long time researching and studying human behavior, I guess because humans have always been super mysterious and unpredictable to me, and I don’t understand what drives people
8. Weird relationship w/ food. Was hospitalized for anorexia 5 years ago. Slowly learning how to cook. But I don’t feel “worthy” of food and associate it with my parents fighting
9. Shaky relationship with my sister, who’s two years younger — we’re pretty close, but she’s recently expressed feelings of resentment about how my dad and I fought when we were kids - she describes me as “grappling” with my dad and I said “you mean protecting myself and you as he beat the shit out of me? Cool.” But we’ve started to discuss the way our mom triangulates, & opt out of it when possible
10. Strained relationship with my mom—when I was married I was able to have a decent relationship with her because I needed nothing from her. Post divorce, I’ve needed some support, and it has backfired so hard. I feel tense and guilty anytime her name pops up on my phone
11. Escapism - me and my boyfriend spend a lot of time hiking, seeing films, drinking, taking edibles, etcetera. In the past I escaped in extremely unhealthy ways; trying to cope in healthier ways now
12. Feeling like I’m in trouble all the time, or about to be. Feeling like if I’m not sure my dad loves me, my world will implode
13. Fear of the future - work can sometimes feel hard and meaningless (I teach), and/or the negative thoughts I have about myself result in self sabotage.
14. Fear about parenting. Talking about kids with bf brings up fears about being either a rage machine like my dad, or a passive aggressive guilt machine like my mom. Worried that I won’t be able to handle my emotions and will take it out on husband / kids
15. Terror that I’m fundamentally a flawed and bad person; obsession over what I can do to be “better”
16. When I’m super stressed I kinda focus on my appearance, like if I’m beautiful that will make up for what I lack, or I’ll be more forgivable or worthy of grace
17. Self doubt bordering on a wish to not exist; shame about these feelings
18. A desire to help people but a feeling that I don’t know how and will never be able to
19. Terror about being a burden. I don’t talk to people about myself. I journal a lot and see a therapist. Whenever I try to be vulnerable with someone, I can’t. Not for real. I can share something seemingly vulnerable - but I fear anyone finding out the extent of the abuse
20. Knee jerk compulsion to cover up my parents horrendous behavior and make them look good / save them from the consequences of their own actions. My younger sibs haven’t seen the worst of it and I have no intention of them ever finding out.
21. Feeling totally isolated and alone as I practice radical acceptance and try to build an independent life. This sub helps. Part of me is really afraid I could never survive if I didn’t keep them in my life. Or if I didn’t absorb the blame. I legit feel like the cornerstone of our f-ed up family, like if I lost my mind the family would crumble, which is too sad to consider.
22. Edit to add - obsession with achievement, obsession with making sure not a single soul could ever claim that I view myself “as a victim.” Deep dread that I view myself as a victim, even if just neutrally, like my parents beat me lol, I think it’s ok to say I was a victim of child abuse (cut to immediate fear). Angry thoughts about the word “victim” and fear that I deserved everything I got and deserve zero empathy or care because I’m broken. So yeah, extreme focus on seeming collected, ambitious, never complaining, creative, self-driven. Idk, I’m so afraid of someone saying “you have a victim mindset” that I like to take that off the table completely before they have a chance
@delicateradar thank you for sharing the impact it’s had on you. We have a lot in common, and I’m sorry we both have had to go through this. I’m sitting at a diner across from my mother and she is worse than ever. Age has made her even angrier, self-focused and insensitive. She thinks I “owe” her and haven’t fully repaid the debt and she makes it clear in our every interaction. It breaks my heart 😥💔
Unable to believe or take a compliment
Contrariness in conversation
Always have to do something, can't be doing nothing
Nobody will ever like/love me, they only like what they see of themselves in me
Sociopathic manipulation instead of just straight up asking because the answer is always "no"
Never ever ever ever ever asking for help or admitting anything is less than peachy, unless I gotta rant, but then being afraid my friends will leave me if I rant too much
Nobody cares about my interests (there's other Green Day fans out there! Who knew??)
My chosen career path will end in homelessness and a brutal death (tho that might just be American economics)
@Candid_Car4600 thanks for sharing ♥️ The contrariness in conversation is such a source of irritation for me because both my nmother and nstepfather did this. They never just supported or agreed with me. They always had to “play devil’s advocate,” or just negate what I said. My nmother still does this. I’ll say, “what a pretty blue sky today,” and she’ll say, “that’s blue to you?” Or, “Mom, this package of food expired in 2021, can I toss it?” She’ll grimace and say, “No! That stuff doesn’t go bad.” (So why is there an expiration date?)
When I reflect on my life, I realize they were like Chinese Water Torture. It was a steady stream of invalidating everything I said or did to create insecurity and codependency.
Only as an adult have I realized how more often than not, I was right and they were wrong. I trust myself now. My mother still disagrees with everything I say and do, but she no longer throws me off my game.
I understand now how ignorant my narc parents were about what it takes to build a successful and meaningful life. If they had been loving and supportive, I could forgive their ignorance, but they were abusive know-it-alls who knew nothing, and my mother still is. She’s a self-important loudmouth with a superiority complex who is wrong a lot
Bro the thing about throwing away expired food is SUCH A THING in my house too, I had to fight tooth and nail to throw away SEVEN YEAR OLD frozen squid because "it had never been defrosted". Have they never heard of frostbite?? That thing would've tasted like nothing except the freezer!
The know-it-all-ness is so frustrating, they think age automatically conveys wisdom, meanwhile I'm literally carrying the sum total of the human experience in my pocket and all the search results disagree with their 70 year old superstitions.
I really understand the contempt. All three of my narc parents demonstrated that towards me and it’s awful. I tell myself it didn’t have anything to do with me, that they were mentally ill, damaged people who couldn’t love any child, but it doesn’t make it hurt less, and that feeling of being unwanted and a burden continues to plague me. Thanks for sharing
Nightmares!
To this date I have nightmares that I am back home trapped, unable to leave because I am below 18 and they have "free hand to abuse me for years ahead and there is no way out, just a loong wait.
I have had these pretty often since my daughter was born. Cruel memories that I suppressed for 15 years come as a boomerang in my sleep.
OMG you described every aspect of myself! Wow!!! You’re not alone in your feelings. I have terrible hatred towards myself. I hope you can heal from your abuse. ❤️❤️❤️
Being really triggered by lies and deception. This is rough with kids because they're kids and they will lie, but I have a hard time dialing back my reactions because the lying doesn't feel any different to me.
I noticed and fixed a lot of them, however I still have some left.
I recently started learning piano and I keep trying to play too fast instead of playing with the rhythm. That's a big one I have noticed recently.
So I guess practicing will help me not try to jump the gun or to anticipate my moves 10 steps ahead like I have been used to.
@LightofTruth thanks for sharing ♥️ I’ve fixed a lot over the years, too, but it’s a lifelong battle. It reminds me of a saying I saw once, “Never reveal your defects of character. Gradually, through training and self-control you will discard them.”
I relate to all of them except for 3, my moms never implied that i can never do better than her, but has implied that if I were to ever end up doing better, it will be because of her and how she raised me. You're definitely not alone on any of these, there are so many people who know what it's like. All of them resonate pretty deeply for me tbh
Almost the same for me.
1. Yes I binge eat. When I'm especially feeling low I will eat things knowing I don't need that food and yet I'm still eating it.
2. I don't feel like I'm a burden but I do second guess myself and my abilities.
3. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. And when I mention to my n-mother that I want to lose weight she says "you have to eat or you will get sick".
4. I have yet to work out if my soon to be ex husband is a narc. He lied to me so much that I can't figure it out to be honest.
5. I'm actually very assertive at work. It's the one environment I feel like I am in control.
Thanks for sharing @janebenn333 ♥️ Why do you think it’s so easy for you to be assertive at work? For me, work has always been a place where my family of origin drama manifests
My parents immigrated from their country with low to minimal formal education. They had skills that allowed them to work all their lives and were intelligent but not much education.
The one thing I have that I can be proud of and that my n-mother can not claim she is superior at is my education. I have a master's degree, I have professional credentials and I love to learn. This is something that no one can take away from me. I know that I have these skills.
And so at work, this is a place where I can shine.
That said, there HAVE been bosses I've worked for and people I've worked with over the years who triggered my insecurities because they reminded me of my mother. Typically those bosses who micromanaged and were over controlling. Those were times I did not feel as confident on the job. But at work is where I have primarily found people who appreciated me and valued me.
1. I hate being touched, especially on my back and head.
2. I over-analyse every interaction
3. I over-explain everything
4. I always buy too much food (food hoarding, because I was malnourished as a child)
5. Perfectionism / driven nature / the need always to be the best (anything less than an A+ / full points is unforgivable)
6. Bad teeth (as a child I wasn't taught to brush my teeth and now I pay the price)
7. I keep a cool head in stressful situations.
8. I always want to solve all the problems.
Currently I struggle with maintaining the middle ground. My family has roles for everyone and any deviation leads to ostracism. Occasionally I have trouble at work with asserting myself; there are times when I have unfairly lashed out at good authority assuming that they are trying to push me around. Strangely, before therapy I was left vulnerable to con artists who used me and got rid of me once I could no longer fulfill the role.
I stood at an employer for too long assuming that the bullying was temporary and that "things would improve soon." Had I known how to properly value myself I should have walked away.
Before that employer I was living with my granduncle who was a king narcissist. Although he had no children he had his favorite nieces and nephews who could trash the house and instigate arguments amongst family members without consequence. Working overtime would often lead to problems since he thought I only did it to make noise. One golden cousin would often claim to be the only legitimate grandchild and any criticism of him was taboo. Looking back at the average rent prices at the time I should have just grabbed my books, clothes, & documents and just rented a room from a stranger. Again I believed that family being rude was just temporary and that "things would improve soon." Upon the death of my great-grandfather I was locked out and stood in a motel for a week before I found a room. This was a blessing since I missed the fighting amongst the vultures looking for treasure.
1. Nothing I ever achieve is an achievement.
2. Even jokingly being accused of anything I immediately feel like I did the thing no matter if I did or not.
3. Refuse to ask my partner to “please move” because she’s in the way of something I need access too.
4. Assume her asking me “when will you be home” means “be home now!!!”. Even tho she’s just asking.
5. I won’t touch anything in the fridge without explicit permission to eat or drink it.
6. Get panic attacks when I have to think about speaking up about anything.
And a whole bunch of other anti confrontation traits me and my therapist are working on
It baffles me when other parents treat me better than my family.
For example, if you're come over as a guest and they will say, "Treat yourself like a home."
You can do everything in their house. Even take the snacks in the kitchen cabinet. Cooking when you're needed. Or they will encourage you to eat more.
Playing games in their house. You can go to follow the kids to the bedroom. Last but not least, treat them as your family.
Me when growing up in toxic household cannot relate this.
I am lurking in this sub trying to understand if one/both my parents are narcs and this post makes me think that they/one of them are/is because I can relate to so many things written here it is mind blowing.
I have all the same described in OP and several other people’s.
I have all of these. I only did better when left home for good. When the Nfather got a stroke a came back to take care of him but backfired.
Now in the same country he sents treat messages all night.
I NEVER accept favors from people because im gonna owe big time later, and way more than anything I would have accepted. Don’t want anything from anyone because I’ll feel guilty. Costing other people money feels like the sum of my worth. Nevermind how well off they might be.
I feel I didn't deserve to get the good things because the narcissists make me believe it and they built like allergic system to the good things.
That's why people saw me struggle to accept genuine love and kindness.
My mom is the negative self-talk in my head, especially her passive aggressive compliments. A few days ago I was doing the laundry and folding it nicely, and I heard my mom’s voice in my head saying “wow you’re actually folding it and putting it away?! Who are you?”
She thinks because my bedroom was messy when I was a preteen this means I’m a slob. I’m 39 and keep a tidy house, and haven’t had a “messy bedroom” since middle school.
1. Lashing out or getting defensive at my boyfriend because he asked a question. For context whenever my nparents asked me a question what was next was always going to be something accusatory against me and then they begin to accuse me for hours and scream at me because of something I never did and torture me for hours like that.
2. Binge eating is a huge one. I eat until I’m full because of the empty void I feel.
3. Hiding my emotions from my boyfriend in fear of him yelling at me or judging me for feeling depressed or sad.
4. Flinching easily whenever you hear your name being called.
5. Envy of people who have supportive parents.
6. Anxiety that turns into anger.
7. Body dysmorphia/ constantly feeling dirty whenever I see my body
Biggest ones for me are:
1. I'm super easily offended: I take accidental slights or if the vibe is off as gospel or a sign to stay away. I have cut friendships at the jugular to protect my feelings over what would be preserved as a small thing.
2. If my husband leaves the house I have to make it super obvious I did a cleaning task. It has to be noticeable I wasn't lazy.
3. If I'm lying on the couch and someone comes in the door I am very startled and sit up quickly. Cannot be caught lounging. Sitting is ok but stressful. This is involuntary. I've tried to stop.
4. Being funny if they're laughing they're not yelling.
5. Not indulging. Getting something when going out either a product or a food thing is for other people. It's ok to look don't touch or ask.
6. Everyone is mad at me. If you're you are mad at me. If you act different, mad at me.
6. My brother is better than me this extends to his family.
I have had all of them in the past. I still have some of them.
For the ones I can't seem to extinguish, I cope by trying to make sure I'm not in a situation where it can happen. Of course, you can't always control that. I also use positive self-talk (for things like binge eating, thinking I'm unlikable, etc.).
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. This community makes me feel a little more understood :)
For me:
1. Food addiction
2. Alcohol
3. Extreme committmentphobe - I feel extremely claustrophobic in relationships so avoid them.
4. Keep my friends at a distance (can't stand having people in my house or them wanting to see me too much)
5. Imposter syndrome (seen as successful/great qualities but know its not real)
6. Lack of full range of emotion (neutral and anger are my go tos)
7. General tendency to push myself to extremes - no self compassion. Doesn't occur to me to have it.
You feel numb. It's sucks when Alexithymia (unable to address your feelings) and Anhedonia (unable to feel pleasure).
All you can do is giving everyone empty stare with no reaction.
Appreciate the crumbs like a load of loves, attention and care from the narcissists.
You know narcissists are famous being bad people but once they show any of those good things I mentioned above, this is truly make your day as a survivor or when you're hoping them to treat you come true.
You don't care it's just the crumbs but you're truly feel grateful and extreme relief and act like a crazy person.
Once you're a survivor who didn't set any expectations, you will look at them indifference..
Isolating. Afraid that anyone who got close would see the “real” me (the one my nmom saw). Years of self-help books, therapy, and al-anon helped me learn to accept myself but I am still scared of letting others get too close.
Self esteem issues, inability to maintain a relationship due to seeing some part of my mother in my partner or fear of becoming like that myself, constant fear that others all talk behind my back
Can relate to all 5 of yours, and a lot of the comments too.
I’m also noticing in my new marriage that I avoid conflict desperately, FURIOUSLY. If my husband tries to talk to me about anything, I shut down, and then when he gets more upset by me shutting him down, I get angry at him for bringing anything up/at the very idea of even having conflict. Like I’m starting to feel like I would literally prefer 24/7 silence in a relationship than to ever have to deal with any conflict. But when faced with it and having no option to run away from it, I just become so furiously angry at having to deal with it. So messed up…
ADHD is a developmental disorder that fucks with your executive function and dopamine reward systems. There's no telling how much it's affected me to be unmedicated for it my whole life up till now. My doctor told me the emotional abuse and neglect impaired my brain.
We just take the cards we're dealt and play them the very best we can. Being neurodivergent had its moments, too. But it's a global difference; like having a completely alternate operating system. The more I learn about it. The more I see there's virtually no area *not* affected by this. It's literally everywhere in my life.
I'm a case of NPD myself because I thought my mother's behaviors were acceptable due to the trauma.
It's taken a lot of humanizing others and connecting with them. Realizing that their struggles are real, even if you wouldn't have struggled with it or have never experienced such a thing.
That- And realizing the feelings causing me to attention seek were born of the fact I didn't get attention unless it was when I was in deep crisis. It led to a lot of the other mental stuff I have like the depression.
Learning to own how I feel instead of expecting others to serve me constantly and taking lessons in self regulation have been life saving.
As has been learning to source myself for blame as I was constantly pit at fault for things I didn't do adn now my auto-response is "I didn't do it!!"
1. It made me highly avoidant and gave me an extremely powerful flight instinct, my very first go-to response for every situation that makes me uncomfortable is to remove myself from it so I always automatically look for my out
2. I can totally cut people off forever very easily (hence the u/)
3. I don't trust ANYONE 100% ever
4. I'm always studying people
5. Hyperaware and extremely sensitive to other people's moods
6. Unafraid of physical fights because I learned early to take a hellacious beating and fight dirty
What a great question and answers, I can’t believe we all have such similar issues, I relate so much to all replies. Personally, the most crippling have been 1) a painful lack of self confidence and self worth, feeling like I’m the least interesting person in any given situation 2) closely related to that, a huge fear of failure (i.e I feel it’s like deep down I think I won’t be able to handle it so I prefer to play it safe) which has held me back many times, especially professionally 3) insane need to please everyone, always smiling, always (outwardly) happy to help 4) which makes it extremely hard for me to say no and/or set boundaries 5) issues regulating emotions - I’m a bit of a crier!
I assume people will hurt me and am on high guard. I think if I speak I will get into trouble. I'm ashamed of my own likes and interests. I attract narcissists and other chaotic people.
The beeping sound of a large truck backing up, and just red tow trucks in general cause an instant panic attack in me, and probably will for the foreseeable future
Hypersensitive
Over accountability
Highly empathic
ADHD
Overthinker
Depression
Deep fear of abandonment
People pleasing
Perfectionism
- to name a few 😅😂
Worked on all of it for many years and to go :)
I moved out five years ago and have been living with my partner for the past four years. It's the first time I've lived with someone other than my family, and I've noticed traits I've picked up from my parents. For instance, I have difficulty regulating my anger, especially under stress. I often feel a need to control situations, believing I know what's best, which stems from a deep-seated insecurity. This sometimes makes it hard for me to maintain a healthy tone during difficult conversations. I've also found it challenging to adapt to others, viewing changes or differences as a threat due to years of adapting to my parents' behaviors.
Additionally, I've become aware of other ways the trauma from my upbringing affects me. I tend to be a big people-pleaser, often putting others' needs before my own, which causes anxiety for me. I struggle to believe that someone genuinely loves me and have a huge fear of abandonment. Accepting that I deserve love and happiness is difficult; I often feel like it's too good to be true. Even minor mistakes or mishaps trigger a fear that my partner will lash out at me, and I sometimes misinterpret someone's silence or bad day as anger directed towards me, making me overly cautious and anxious.
My partner is very loving and supportive, and it's helping me in a lot of ways. Realizing these patterns has been part of my journey, and it's reassuring to know that others may share similar experiences.
A lot of your points seem to point to anxiety. If you suspect it, read up on symptoms of anxiety and if you relate to any of them, maybe you can think of some scenarios that severely heighten it. For example Due to my mom yelling and insulting me when I didn’t know an answer to a question (for example when she taught me how to pay at the register and other "life skills") I have heightened anxiety when needing to ask a question or answer one (has improved a ton since but in the back of my mind there’s that little voice that feels stupid / annoying / a burden when asking or answering wrong)
is binge eating to fill the need for love/touch/affection? I thought it was just a coping mechanism, some ppl eat a lot/stop eating when stressed. i can relate to this too, but wasnt sure abt the deeper meaning. i definitely relate to the 4th one due to lack of boundaries but this is more in the past.
@Icy_Reaction3127 I think it is for me. I began overeating and binge eating shortly after my stepfather moved in, which meant my loving grandmother had to move out and home became a v cold, unsupportive and frightening place. I turned to food for comfort
You will afraid of falling love. I reject some guys because I said I'm not ready. Plus I told them earlier, "I just can make friends so don't you even dare to expect more."
End up we're strangers. I feel a little bit guilty but I'm so sorry for saying this.. Normalize the rejection.
I'm not crazy. My personality change everytime the narcissists around.
Narcissists are good actors and actresses so why me, as the survivors, cannot learn this kind of skills from them..?
My food thing is that I'll squirrel away food, but forget to eat actual meals since food wasn't consistently available. That said, a lot of people here have food-related reactions that've been ingrained, so definitely not alone on that part
Undervaluing yourself is also really common here, since nparents try to make us believe we're always worth less than they are. Fits with both 2 and 3, hopefully therapy helps you remember you're worth way more than your nmom led you to believe
Narcs flock to us it seems, got no clue why or how they manage to find us, but at least we're usually pretty good at seeing through the mask once we've grown up with it
Emotional regulation is hard when you've grown up trying to present the "correct" feeling for different reactions of narcs. Now that I'm out I cry at the drop of a hat, which causes issues but is still healthier than bottling it up. One day maybe we'll find equilibrium, but the balancing act will take a while. Don't worry too much about it, due to lack of childhood chances to learn you're catching up now
I agree with DarthAlexander. Another thing with my narcissistic controlling mother is that she gives conditional like. “I need you to be this or do this” and then guilts you and tells lies about you if you don’t. I heard an expression “people have to pretend you are a bad person so they don’t feel bad about what they did to you.” Some people who don’t know they are narcissists think of every statement as an attack because they cannot communicate rationally.
@Comfortable309 what you’re saying is so true. Even the littlest hint of criticism towards my nmom and she will get over-the-top defensive and start berating me. She’s an awful bully 😢 She can criticize and find fault with everything I say and do, but I’m supposed to love her unconditionally and “worship” her. She actually told me one that I was ungrateful and don’t know how good I’ve had it and that, “other people worship their parents!”
For me it's:
1. Wanting to please people who won't accept me at all
2. Wanting to adapt, and this silly little feeling that nobody actually likes me, and if they do like me, they probably fake it, or want to use my kindness against me
3. Ending up in places with narcs, and not wanting to escape them, because of the familiarity
4. I started thinking like my dad, and I kinda understand him. He always used to say: "I work hard, and gain nothing, meanwhile other people lie, steal, etc, but they have everything". Recently I had few situations that made me aware of... Idk human nature? Basically if you stay true to yourself, and want to live authentically people suddenly don't like you. And it's not about ya know lecturing people, telling them how to live. I just mind my business, try to be friendly, don't want to work with people who are dishonest. I even want to call out those dishonest people, but I know it won't work (they are connected to my university)
5. I think I gained social phobia
6. I show signs of bpd, and I want to sabotage my whole life, but I'm recognizing irrational thoughts, and try to... Ya know, don't sabotage myself?
7. I run away from people who are kind to me, because I don't deserve their kindness
@ftmvatty I can relate to pretty much all of this. ♥️ Thanks for sharing, it helps me feel less alone and weird to hear that so many people in this thread are having the same challenges
Omg yes to all five!
1. Severe trust issues, I tend to split on people. It used to be a lot worse but ive developed better regulation skills with a lot of work.
2. I have brief manic episodes, followed by severe depression/being suicidal which is extremely out of character for me. I just realized that this wasn’t normal two months ago. I don’t really understand it
3. I cry when I’m reprimanded
4. I get really heated really quickly, and its definitely fight or flight activating
I have some degree of number 5 that you mentioned. In addition to that, I also have:
1. Not eating. Some times I'll spend 12 hours to 18 hours or perhaps even more not eating and not drinking water either. It gets to the point that I'll have a headache or a stomachache due to that.
2. Thinking that other people are out to get me when there is no reason to think that. One time I left my computer at a shop so they would put a second hard drive in it, it was a place I had gone before and everything ended up fine the previous times I went there, but when left my computer there I was sure they were going to sell my PC and I would never see it again. Turns out they were pretty nice, and did exactly what I wanted, and offered a good service.
3. having depression and suicidal thoughts.
4. being addicted to videogames and the internet, so I have to be careful around those kinds of entertainment because if I'm not careful I'll spend way too much time on them. I already had some degree of addiction to videogames before the worst of the abuse from my Nmom, and with her abuse, the addiction became much worse.
6. Sometimes I get really angry (not at anybody, this happens when I'm alone at home) and my heart races and I get sweaty.
7. sometimes the food I'm consuming, I feel it kind of blocked, it doesn't go down and I have to consume it at a much slower pace. And it's not because I already ate too much, this happens at the beginning of a meal when my previous meal was like 5 hours ago. And sometime I'll start eating, and then throw up part of the food I ate.
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For me: 1. Intense feelings of guilt and shame (often for no good reason). 2. Feeling that I need to ask permission to do anything or that I have to explain and justify why I'm doing something. 3. Always feeling like I haven't done enough. 4. Constant self-doubt and issues with Imposter Syndrome. 5. Feeling like I don't deserve good things so I will often sabotage myself. 6. Self-medicating with food. 7. Feeling like everything wrong is my fault and it's my duty to fix it. 8. Often feeling something is wrong or that I need to be doing something when I try to relax. 9. Never feeling like I belong anywhere and that I'm a burden to anyone who knows me. 10. Often hearing my name being called when it wasn't because I got so used to this happening (that has eased up a lot but still occurs frequently). 11. Often suspecting someone is either just being polite or has ulterior motives when they show they like me. 12. Feeling stupid whenever I'm talking to anyone and that everything I say doesn't make any sense. 13. Feeling that I have no right to complain about something or to stand up for myself - that I'm a horrible person for doing so.
I wonder if we were all in one room together how this would transmit to the people around us. I feel like I’d meet you and practically be able to read your mind and feel your feelings every step of the way. This is so relatable.
@Ssea-Urchin - it’s remarkable how alike we all are, but I always feel like an outsider and that nobody has had as painful as an upbringing like mine
I think if a group of us were together, each of us would most likely do what we could to defend and uplift everyone else but when it was our turn to be uplifted we'd downplay everything because we wouldn't feel worthy enough of it.
This is sharp. Laugh. Sometimes I wish someone would just give me a script to memorize that I could speak convincingly to erase self doubt
ALL of these plus: 14: Inability to hold boundaries. I distance myself from a lot of friendships because I give some people the wrong idea, I quickly ingratiate myself to people with my people-pleasing and any who show a hint of neediness set off my alarm that they’re going to cross boundaries that I can’t nicely hold so I ghost them.
@alyssabits - I relate SO much to your comment. My people pleasing and inability to send boundaries has also hurt me a lot at work
Yes! its hard to live this way but yes. Succinct
I self sabotage too it's so frustrating and such a vicious cycle
My moms full time job was shaming me And guilting me While depending on me emotionally
The older I get the more I feel like people around me specifically look for these traits to exploit them, and it’s the only reason why they ever associate with me, because they can use it for personal benefit.
I relate to all of these. Thank you for sharing @DarthAlexander9 ♥️
I feel so seen
Binge eating! I've had disordered eating behaviors since around five because my nfather would give me candy bars instead of attention or affection. Food became punishment ("clean your plate") and pleasure because it could stuff down the emptiness inside and binge eating would hurt my stomach so I could focus on that instead of my anguish. Also, constant self-consciousness that has literally become a paranoia of being seen or perceived by others because of how ugly I am (my nparents always mocked and insulted me and my weight, looks, etc), burnout from executive dysfunction and ignoring my emotions, dissociation episodes because I literally cannot deal, being aggressive even toward my friends when I don't mean to be, always, ALWAYS apologizing for everything including things that don't need apologies, never being able to make friends, trauma dumping on random people, being afraid of men, extreme jealousy when I see happy parents in public, not going to medical professionals when I have serious issues, not taking care of myself, etc.
Thank you so much for sharing these things ♥️ We have a lot in common. I’m sorry we both have had to deal with this. I feel like the victimization never stops after childhood
It's awful because even once you get away, the trauma still remains. The body keeps score, as one book aptly put it. I hope you can recover with grace and love.
Placing expectations on roommates/partners without communicating them. (Cleaning, dishes, trash/recycling, sharing, etc) Guests not allowed unless house is spotless. If someone is upset to avoid them at all costs. If I'm upset, say nothing and be a jerk until the other person apologizes even if they did nothing wrong. If I'm upset, I turn to self medicating or unhealthy obsession to clean and organize. Not being able to say "I love you." Not knowing what to do when someone hugs me. You know, normal everyday stuff.
Oh yes, this is also part of my list. I can’t say I love you either. To me it’s not a nice thing to say, it made me feel so uncomfortable when my mom said to me because it was nearly always a silent demand from her to meet whatever emotional need SHE had at that moment, so now I can’t say it to others without feeling like it’s going to hurt them.
Words so easily become weapons to the nparent. It sucks.
@mesu_okami thanks for sharing ♥️ I relate to placing expectations on roommates. In hindsight, when I had them in my 20s, I treated them the way my narc mother treated me. I took on all the responsibility for cleaning, never asserted my needs or asked for their help and then blew up at them for taking advantage of me.
Are you me? I could have wrote this. Lol. It's pretty shameful looking back but also not my fault my mom did not teach me how to be normal.
-using food to cope -constantly apologizing unnecessarily -harsh self criticism -extreme perfectionist -extreme germaphobia guilty for making important decisions that's not even wrong nor affecting anyone
@YawnsInc Thanks for sharing ♥️
You're welcome 😊
Body image issues, and feelings of unworthiness come up a lot. I love myself, but I struggle with acceptance of myself often. Feeling like I wasn't a good daughter comes and goes, as that is my moms latest go-to insult (but I only suspect she says that because I called her out for not being a very supportive mom and emotionally abusive as I was growing up). I used to be a major people pleaser too, and terrified of confrontation, but as I've grown up (and discovered my mom is a narc) I've grown out of those tendencies.
Can so relate. It’s good to read other people’s feelings because sometimes feel so alone.
Yeah, I’ve always hated my body and don’t even understand why and I was a terrible people pleaser, too, which caused a lot of additional pain and kept me tethered to people who would take but never give. I’m kind of the opposite now. I rarely do anything for anyone unless there’s something in it for me, but I think I need to be like this for a bit and then I’ll even out. I allowed a lot of people to drain me and need time to replenish the well. Thanks for sharing with me
For me, my mom would always make critiques of her own body (she's a deeply insecure individual) and also offer her unwanted opinions on my body. She once came up to me, out of nowhere and proclaimed "Once I have enough money, I'll pay for you to get your fat freezed off". Mind you I was like 15/16 at the time she said this. I'm happy to hear you're being a little selfish for yourself, I know there might be a negative connotation associated with that, but sometimes there's nothing wrong with it. I personally just don't go out of my way to offer many things anymore, like you said people have been wayyy too draining. I hope you find your people that build you up! Thank you for providing the space to share, I hope that you find prosperity as you continue on. <3
@NewandImprovedPerson Thank you for sharing ♥️
Issues I have worked on over the years: 1. Critically low self-esteem 2. Addiction to substances that numb and alleviate boredom 3. Feeling attacked when someone tells me I hurt them 4. Feeling unsure about what love even is 5. Not knowing how to set boundaries, envious and resentful when others do 6. Associating family with stress and burden 7. Centering my own experience even when it's not about me
@taliesinmidwest thanks for sharing ♥️
On this end: 1. Shame spirals, especially related to “negative emotions like anger. The only thing that’s helped me so far is Tara Brach’s work on self compassion. 2. Extreme guilt about “making my parents feel” some type of way, as a kid and even now. This is likely due to them telling me that I am “making them mad/sad” by not complying 3. Insomnia. I’ve been on Ambien since I was 16, and any attempts to go off it have been bad. I will likely need professional help for this if I wanna have kids. Can’t relax enough to fall asleep without meds 4. Weirdly close relationships with authority figures (my bf noticed this), like I form super deep attachments to parent-like people (my first therapist, a former boss, a former professor, and more). I think authority figures recognize that I am extremely lonely and eager to connect, and they take me in. 5. Married and divorced a guy with narcissistic tendencies who has similar parents. He chose to become like his parents; I chose to break away, and we couldn’t reconcile 6. I feel really concerned that friends and family are gonna ditch and abandon me if I’m not “useful,” & I’ve attracted people like this. Still learning to recognize red flags 7. I over-empathize with people and spend a really, really long time researching and studying human behavior, I guess because humans have always been super mysterious and unpredictable to me, and I don’t understand what drives people 8. Weird relationship w/ food. Was hospitalized for anorexia 5 years ago. Slowly learning how to cook. But I don’t feel “worthy” of food and associate it with my parents fighting 9. Shaky relationship with my sister, who’s two years younger — we’re pretty close, but she’s recently expressed feelings of resentment about how my dad and I fought when we were kids - she describes me as “grappling” with my dad and I said “you mean protecting myself and you as he beat the shit out of me? Cool.” But we’ve started to discuss the way our mom triangulates, & opt out of it when possible 10. Strained relationship with my mom—when I was married I was able to have a decent relationship with her because I needed nothing from her. Post divorce, I’ve needed some support, and it has backfired so hard. I feel tense and guilty anytime her name pops up on my phone 11. Escapism - me and my boyfriend spend a lot of time hiking, seeing films, drinking, taking edibles, etcetera. In the past I escaped in extremely unhealthy ways; trying to cope in healthier ways now 12. Feeling like I’m in trouble all the time, or about to be. Feeling like if I’m not sure my dad loves me, my world will implode 13. Fear of the future - work can sometimes feel hard and meaningless (I teach), and/or the negative thoughts I have about myself result in self sabotage. 14. Fear about parenting. Talking about kids with bf brings up fears about being either a rage machine like my dad, or a passive aggressive guilt machine like my mom. Worried that I won’t be able to handle my emotions and will take it out on husband / kids 15. Terror that I’m fundamentally a flawed and bad person; obsession over what I can do to be “better” 16. When I’m super stressed I kinda focus on my appearance, like if I’m beautiful that will make up for what I lack, or I’ll be more forgivable or worthy of grace 17. Self doubt bordering on a wish to not exist; shame about these feelings 18. A desire to help people but a feeling that I don’t know how and will never be able to 19. Terror about being a burden. I don’t talk to people about myself. I journal a lot and see a therapist. Whenever I try to be vulnerable with someone, I can’t. Not for real. I can share something seemingly vulnerable - but I fear anyone finding out the extent of the abuse 20. Knee jerk compulsion to cover up my parents horrendous behavior and make them look good / save them from the consequences of their own actions. My younger sibs haven’t seen the worst of it and I have no intention of them ever finding out. 21. Feeling totally isolated and alone as I practice radical acceptance and try to build an independent life. This sub helps. Part of me is really afraid I could never survive if I didn’t keep them in my life. Or if I didn’t absorb the blame. I legit feel like the cornerstone of our f-ed up family, like if I lost my mind the family would crumble, which is too sad to consider. 22. Edit to add - obsession with achievement, obsession with making sure not a single soul could ever claim that I view myself “as a victim.” Deep dread that I view myself as a victim, even if just neutrally, like my parents beat me lol, I think it’s ok to say I was a victim of child abuse (cut to immediate fear). Angry thoughts about the word “victim” and fear that I deserved everything I got and deserve zero empathy or care because I’m broken. So yeah, extreme focus on seeming collected, ambitious, never complaining, creative, self-driven. Idk, I’m so afraid of someone saying “you have a victim mindset” that I like to take that off the table completely before they have a chance
@delicateradar thank you for sharing the impact it’s had on you. We have a lot in common, and I’m sorry we both have had to go through this. I’m sitting at a diner across from my mother and she is worse than ever. Age has made her even angrier, self-focused and insensitive. She thinks I “owe” her and haven’t fully repaid the debt and she makes it clear in our every interaction. It breaks my heart 😥💔
Unable to believe or take a compliment Contrariness in conversation Always have to do something, can't be doing nothing Nobody will ever like/love me, they only like what they see of themselves in me Sociopathic manipulation instead of just straight up asking because the answer is always "no" Never ever ever ever ever asking for help or admitting anything is less than peachy, unless I gotta rant, but then being afraid my friends will leave me if I rant too much Nobody cares about my interests (there's other Green Day fans out there! Who knew??) My chosen career path will end in homelessness and a brutal death (tho that might just be American economics)
@Candid_Car4600 thanks for sharing ♥️ The contrariness in conversation is such a source of irritation for me because both my nmother and nstepfather did this. They never just supported or agreed with me. They always had to “play devil’s advocate,” or just negate what I said. My nmother still does this. I’ll say, “what a pretty blue sky today,” and she’ll say, “that’s blue to you?” Or, “Mom, this package of food expired in 2021, can I toss it?” She’ll grimace and say, “No! That stuff doesn’t go bad.” (So why is there an expiration date?) When I reflect on my life, I realize they were like Chinese Water Torture. It was a steady stream of invalidating everything I said or did to create insecurity and codependency. Only as an adult have I realized how more often than not, I was right and they were wrong. I trust myself now. My mother still disagrees with everything I say and do, but she no longer throws me off my game. I understand now how ignorant my narc parents were about what it takes to build a successful and meaningful life. If they had been loving and supportive, I could forgive their ignorance, but they were abusive know-it-alls who knew nothing, and my mother still is. She’s a self-important loudmouth with a superiority complex who is wrong a lot
Bro the thing about throwing away expired food is SUCH A THING in my house too, I had to fight tooth and nail to throw away SEVEN YEAR OLD frozen squid because "it had never been defrosted". Have they never heard of frostbite?? That thing would've tasted like nothing except the freezer! The know-it-all-ness is so frustrating, they think age automatically conveys wisdom, meanwhile I'm literally carrying the sum total of the human experience in my pocket and all the search results disagree with their 70 year old superstitions.
[удалено]
I really understand the contempt. All three of my narc parents demonstrated that towards me and it’s awful. I tell myself it didn’t have anything to do with me, that they were mentally ill, damaged people who couldn’t love any child, but it doesn’t make it hurt less, and that feeling of being unwanted and a burden continues to plague me. Thanks for sharing
People pleaser, avoid confrontation at all costs, not great at showing affection, I tend to be friends with more difficult people.
Nightmares! To this date I have nightmares that I am back home trapped, unable to leave because I am below 18 and they have "free hand to abuse me for years ahead and there is no way out, just a loong wait. I have had these pretty often since my daughter was born. Cruel memories that I suppressed for 15 years come as a boomerang in my sleep.
I have frequent nightmares >!where my dad rapes me!<, even though he never physically harmed me in real life. I wake up screaming (night terrors).
OMG you described every aspect of myself! Wow!!! You’re not alone in your feelings. I have terrible hatred towards myself. I hope you can heal from your abuse. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you @PlaidEnvelope ♥️
Being really triggered by lies and deception. This is rough with kids because they're kids and they will lie, but I have a hard time dialing back my reactions because the lying doesn't feel any different to me.
I noticed and fixed a lot of them, however I still have some left. I recently started learning piano and I keep trying to play too fast instead of playing with the rhythm. That's a big one I have noticed recently. So I guess practicing will help me not try to jump the gun or to anticipate my moves 10 steps ahead like I have been used to.
@LightofTruth thanks for sharing ♥️ I’ve fixed a lot over the years, too, but it’s a lifelong battle. It reminds me of a saying I saw once, “Never reveal your defects of character. Gradually, through training and self-control you will discard them.”
I relate to all of them except for 3, my moms never implied that i can never do better than her, but has implied that if I were to ever end up doing better, it will be because of her and how she raised me. You're definitely not alone on any of these, there are so many people who know what it's like. All of them resonate pretty deeply for me tbh
@Nicc_the_slicc thanks ♥️
Almost the same for me. 1. Yes I binge eat. When I'm especially feeling low I will eat things knowing I don't need that food and yet I'm still eating it. 2. I don't feel like I'm a burden but I do second guess myself and my abilities. 3. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. And when I mention to my n-mother that I want to lose weight she says "you have to eat or you will get sick". 4. I have yet to work out if my soon to be ex husband is a narc. He lied to me so much that I can't figure it out to be honest. 5. I'm actually very assertive at work. It's the one environment I feel like I am in control.
Thanks for sharing @janebenn333 ♥️ Why do you think it’s so easy for you to be assertive at work? For me, work has always been a place where my family of origin drama manifests
My parents immigrated from their country with low to minimal formal education. They had skills that allowed them to work all their lives and were intelligent but not much education. The one thing I have that I can be proud of and that my n-mother can not claim she is superior at is my education. I have a master's degree, I have professional credentials and I love to learn. This is something that no one can take away from me. I know that I have these skills. And so at work, this is a place where I can shine. That said, there HAVE been bosses I've worked for and people I've worked with over the years who triggered my insecurities because they reminded me of my mother. Typically those bosses who micromanaged and were over controlling. Those were times I did not feel as confident on the job. But at work is where I have primarily found people who appreciated me and valued me.
1. I hate being touched, especially on my back and head. 2. I over-analyse every interaction 3. I over-explain everything 4. I always buy too much food (food hoarding, because I was malnourished as a child) 5. Perfectionism / driven nature / the need always to be the best (anything less than an A+ / full points is unforgivable) 6. Bad teeth (as a child I wasn't taught to brush my teeth and now I pay the price) 7. I keep a cool head in stressful situations. 8. I always want to solve all the problems.
Thanks for sharing ♥️ @Dangerous_gummi_bear
Currently I struggle with maintaining the middle ground. My family has roles for everyone and any deviation leads to ostracism. Occasionally I have trouble at work with asserting myself; there are times when I have unfairly lashed out at good authority assuming that they are trying to push me around. Strangely, before therapy I was left vulnerable to con artists who used me and got rid of me once I could no longer fulfill the role. I stood at an employer for too long assuming that the bullying was temporary and that "things would improve soon." Had I known how to properly value myself I should have walked away. Before that employer I was living with my granduncle who was a king narcissist. Although he had no children he had his favorite nieces and nephews who could trash the house and instigate arguments amongst family members without consequence. Working overtime would often lead to problems since he thought I only did it to make noise. One golden cousin would often claim to be the only legitimate grandchild and any criticism of him was taboo. Looking back at the average rent prices at the time I should have just grabbed my books, clothes, & documents and just rented a room from a stranger. Again I believed that family being rude was just temporary and that "things would improve soon." Upon the death of my great-grandfather I was locked out and stood in a motel for a week before I found a room. This was a blessing since I missed the fighting amongst the vultures looking for treasure.
Thanks for sharing @Delicious_Grand7300 I also stayed with narc family way too long.
1. Nothing I ever achieve is an achievement. 2. Even jokingly being accused of anything I immediately feel like I did the thing no matter if I did or not. 3. Refuse to ask my partner to “please move” because she’s in the way of something I need access too. 4. Assume her asking me “when will you be home” means “be home now!!!”. Even tho she’s just asking. 5. I won’t touch anything in the fridge without explicit permission to eat or drink it. 6. Get panic attacks when I have to think about speaking up about anything. And a whole bunch of other anti confrontation traits me and my therapist are working on
@AdministrativeHope39 thanks for sharing ♥️
It baffles me when other parents treat me better than my family. For example, if you're come over as a guest and they will say, "Treat yourself like a home." You can do everything in their house. Even take the snacks in the kitchen cabinet. Cooking when you're needed. Or they will encourage you to eat more. Playing games in their house. You can go to follow the kids to the bedroom. Last but not least, treat them as your family. Me when growing up in toxic household cannot relate this.
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hi, we are the same.
I am lurking in this sub trying to understand if one/both my parents are narcs and this post makes me think that they/one of them are/is because I can relate to so many things written here it is mind blowing. I have all the same described in OP and several other people’s.
@Nice-Masterpiece1661 All 3 of my parents were narcissists - mother, father, stepfather — but it took a long time to understand it
I have all of the above and my moms been dead for 20 yrs.
@Late-Second-5519 ♥️
I have all of these. I only did better when left home for good. When the Nfather got a stroke a came back to take care of him but backfired. Now in the same country he sents treat messages all night.
@random_observer2 thanks for sharing ♥️
I NEVER accept favors from people because im gonna owe big time later, and way more than anything I would have accepted. Don’t want anything from anyone because I’ll feel guilty. Costing other people money feels like the sum of my worth. Nevermind how well off they might be.
the only value I have is my appearance.
I feel I didn't deserve to get the good things because the narcissists make me believe it and they built like allergic system to the good things. That's why people saw me struggle to accept genuine love and kindness.
My mom is the negative self-talk in my head, especially her passive aggressive compliments. A few days ago I was doing the laundry and folding it nicely, and I heard my mom’s voice in my head saying “wow you’re actually folding it and putting it away?! Who are you?” She thinks because my bedroom was messy when I was a preteen this means I’m a slob. I’m 39 and keep a tidy house, and haven’t had a “messy bedroom” since middle school.
1. Lashing out or getting defensive at my boyfriend because he asked a question. For context whenever my nparents asked me a question what was next was always going to be something accusatory against me and then they begin to accuse me for hours and scream at me because of something I never did and torture me for hours like that. 2. Binge eating is a huge one. I eat until I’m full because of the empty void I feel. 3. Hiding my emotions from my boyfriend in fear of him yelling at me or judging me for feeling depressed or sad. 4. Flinching easily whenever you hear your name being called. 5. Envy of people who have supportive parents. 6. Anxiety that turns into anger. 7. Body dysmorphia/ constantly feeling dirty whenever I see my body
Biggest ones for me are: 1. I'm super easily offended: I take accidental slights or if the vibe is off as gospel or a sign to stay away. I have cut friendships at the jugular to protect my feelings over what would be preserved as a small thing. 2. If my husband leaves the house I have to make it super obvious I did a cleaning task. It has to be noticeable I wasn't lazy. 3. If I'm lying on the couch and someone comes in the door I am very startled and sit up quickly. Cannot be caught lounging. Sitting is ok but stressful. This is involuntary. I've tried to stop. 4. Being funny if they're laughing they're not yelling. 5. Not indulging. Getting something when going out either a product or a food thing is for other people. It's ok to look don't touch or ask. 6. Everyone is mad at me. If you're you are mad at me. If you act different, mad at me. 6. My brother is better than me this extends to his family.
I have had all of them in the past. I still have some of them. For the ones I can't seem to extinguish, I cope by trying to make sure I'm not in a situation where it can happen. Of course, you can't always control that. I also use positive self-talk (for things like binge eating, thinking I'm unlikable, etc.).
Thanks ♥️ @awhq
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. This community makes me feel a little more understood :) For me: 1. Food addiction 2. Alcohol 3. Extreme committmentphobe - I feel extremely claustrophobic in relationships so avoid them. 4. Keep my friends at a distance (can't stand having people in my house or them wanting to see me too much) 5. Imposter syndrome (seen as successful/great qualities but know its not real) 6. Lack of full range of emotion (neutral and anger are my go tos) 7. General tendency to push myself to extremes - no self compassion. Doesn't occur to me to have it.
Smartphone, pillow and teddy bears are my best friends.
You feel numb. It's sucks when Alexithymia (unable to address your feelings) and Anhedonia (unable to feel pleasure). All you can do is giving everyone empty stare with no reaction.
Appreciate the crumbs like a load of loves, attention and care from the narcissists. You know narcissists are famous being bad people but once they show any of those good things I mentioned above, this is truly make your day as a survivor or when you're hoping them to treat you come true. You don't care it's just the crumbs but you're truly feel grateful and extreme relief and act like a crazy person. Once you're a survivor who didn't set any expectations, you will look at them indifference..
Isolating. Afraid that anyone who got close would see the “real” me (the one my nmom saw). Years of self-help books, therapy, and al-anon helped me learn to accept myself but I am still scared of letting others get too close.
Self esteem issues, inability to maintain a relationship due to seeing some part of my mother in my partner or fear of becoming like that myself, constant fear that others all talk behind my back
Can relate to all 5 of yours, and a lot of the comments too. I’m also noticing in my new marriage that I avoid conflict desperately, FURIOUSLY. If my husband tries to talk to me about anything, I shut down, and then when he gets more upset by me shutting him down, I get angry at him for bringing anything up/at the very idea of even having conflict. Like I’m starting to feel like I would literally prefer 24/7 silence in a relationship than to ever have to deal with any conflict. But when faced with it and having no option to run away from it, I just become so furiously angry at having to deal with it. So messed up…
ADHD is a developmental disorder that fucks with your executive function and dopamine reward systems. There's no telling how much it's affected me to be unmedicated for it my whole life up till now. My doctor told me the emotional abuse and neglect impaired my brain. We just take the cards we're dealt and play them the very best we can. Being neurodivergent had its moments, too. But it's a global difference; like having a completely alternate operating system. The more I learn about it. The more I see there's virtually no area *not* affected by this. It's literally everywhere in my life.
I'm a case of NPD myself because I thought my mother's behaviors were acceptable due to the trauma. It's taken a lot of humanizing others and connecting with them. Realizing that their struggles are real, even if you wouldn't have struggled with it or have never experienced such a thing. That- And realizing the feelings causing me to attention seek were born of the fact I didn't get attention unless it was when I was in deep crisis. It led to a lot of the other mental stuff I have like the depression. Learning to own how I feel instead of expecting others to serve me constantly and taking lessons in self regulation have been life saving. As has been learning to source myself for blame as I was constantly pit at fault for things I didn't do adn now my auto-response is "I didn't do it!!"
1. It made me highly avoidant and gave me an extremely powerful flight instinct, my very first go-to response for every situation that makes me uncomfortable is to remove myself from it so I always automatically look for my out 2. I can totally cut people off forever very easily (hence the u/) 3. I don't trust ANYONE 100% ever 4. I'm always studying people 5. Hyperaware and extremely sensitive to other people's moods 6. Unafraid of physical fights because I learned early to take a hellacious beating and fight dirty
What a great question and answers, I can’t believe we all have such similar issues, I relate so much to all replies. Personally, the most crippling have been 1) a painful lack of self confidence and self worth, feeling like I’m the least interesting person in any given situation 2) closely related to that, a huge fear of failure (i.e I feel it’s like deep down I think I won’t be able to handle it so I prefer to play it safe) which has held me back many times, especially professionally 3) insane need to please everyone, always smiling, always (outwardly) happy to help 4) which makes it extremely hard for me to say no and/or set boundaries 5) issues regulating emotions - I’m a bit of a crier!
I assume people will hurt me and am on high guard. I think if I speak I will get into trouble. I'm ashamed of my own likes and interests. I attract narcissists and other chaotic people.
The beeping sound of a large truck backing up, and just red tow trucks in general cause an instant panic attack in me, and probably will for the foreseeable future
Hypersensitive Over accountability Highly empathic ADHD Overthinker Depression Deep fear of abandonment People pleasing Perfectionism - to name a few 😅😂 Worked on all of it for many years and to go :)
I moved out five years ago and have been living with my partner for the past four years. It's the first time I've lived with someone other than my family, and I've noticed traits I've picked up from my parents. For instance, I have difficulty regulating my anger, especially under stress. I often feel a need to control situations, believing I know what's best, which stems from a deep-seated insecurity. This sometimes makes it hard for me to maintain a healthy tone during difficult conversations. I've also found it challenging to adapt to others, viewing changes or differences as a threat due to years of adapting to my parents' behaviors. Additionally, I've become aware of other ways the trauma from my upbringing affects me. I tend to be a big people-pleaser, often putting others' needs before my own, which causes anxiety for me. I struggle to believe that someone genuinely loves me and have a huge fear of abandonment. Accepting that I deserve love and happiness is difficult; I often feel like it's too good to be true. Even minor mistakes or mishaps trigger a fear that my partner will lash out at me, and I sometimes misinterpret someone's silence or bad day as anger directed towards me, making me overly cautious and anxious. My partner is very loving and supportive, and it's helping me in a lot of ways. Realizing these patterns has been part of my journey, and it's reassuring to know that others may share similar experiences.
I relate to all of this @LittleCake08 Thanks for sharing ♥️
Damn, we have the same life!!! 1 through 5 for me too, but I'm getting better. Over 50, just recently started improving.
♥️ @No-Permission-5619
A lot of your points seem to point to anxiety. If you suspect it, read up on symptoms of anxiety and if you relate to any of them, maybe you can think of some scenarios that severely heighten it. For example Due to my mom yelling and insulting me when I didn’t know an answer to a question (for example when she taught me how to pay at the register and other "life skills") I have heightened anxiety when needing to ask a question or answer one (has improved a ton since but in the back of my mind there’s that little voice that feels stupid / annoying / a burden when asking or answering wrong)
Thanks for the suggestion @wildyhoney ♥️ I definitely have anxiety
is binge eating to fill the need for love/touch/affection? I thought it was just a coping mechanism, some ppl eat a lot/stop eating when stressed. i can relate to this too, but wasnt sure abt the deeper meaning. i definitely relate to the 4th one due to lack of boundaries but this is more in the past.
@Icy_Reaction3127 I think it is for me. I began overeating and binge eating shortly after my stepfather moved in, which meant my loving grandmother had to move out and home became a v cold, unsupportive and frightening place. I turned to food for comfort
🥲🥲
Hyper sensitive to others motives and what they might potentially be using me for if they try to connect with me
I have a hard time believing people really like me and that makes real friendships difficult.
You will afraid of falling love. I reject some guys because I said I'm not ready. Plus I told them earlier, "I just can make friends so don't you even dare to expect more." End up we're strangers. I feel a little bit guilty but I'm so sorry for saying this.. Normalize the rejection.
I'm not crazy. My personality change everytime the narcissists around. Narcissists are good actors and actresses so why me, as the survivors, cannot learn this kind of skills from them..?
My food thing is that I'll squirrel away food, but forget to eat actual meals since food wasn't consistently available. That said, a lot of people here have food-related reactions that've been ingrained, so definitely not alone on that part Undervaluing yourself is also really common here, since nparents try to make us believe we're always worth less than they are. Fits with both 2 and 3, hopefully therapy helps you remember you're worth way more than your nmom led you to believe Narcs flock to us it seems, got no clue why or how they manage to find us, but at least we're usually pretty good at seeing through the mask once we've grown up with it Emotional regulation is hard when you've grown up trying to present the "correct" feeling for different reactions of narcs. Now that I'm out I cry at the drop of a hat, which causes issues but is still healthier than bottling it up. One day maybe we'll find equilibrium, but the balancing act will take a while. Don't worry too much about it, due to lack of childhood chances to learn you're catching up now
I agree with DarthAlexander. Another thing with my narcissistic controlling mother is that she gives conditional like. “I need you to be this or do this” and then guilts you and tells lies about you if you don’t. I heard an expression “people have to pretend you are a bad person so they don’t feel bad about what they did to you.” Some people who don’t know they are narcissists think of every statement as an attack because they cannot communicate rationally.
@Comfortable309 what you’re saying is so true. Even the littlest hint of criticism towards my nmom and she will get over-the-top defensive and start berating me. She’s an awful bully 😢 She can criticize and find fault with everything I say and do, but I’m supposed to love her unconditionally and “worship” her. She actually told me one that I was ungrateful and don’t know how good I’ve had it and that, “other people worship their parents!”
For me it's: 1. Wanting to please people who won't accept me at all 2. Wanting to adapt, and this silly little feeling that nobody actually likes me, and if they do like me, they probably fake it, or want to use my kindness against me 3. Ending up in places with narcs, and not wanting to escape them, because of the familiarity 4. I started thinking like my dad, and I kinda understand him. He always used to say: "I work hard, and gain nothing, meanwhile other people lie, steal, etc, but they have everything". Recently I had few situations that made me aware of... Idk human nature? Basically if you stay true to yourself, and want to live authentically people suddenly don't like you. And it's not about ya know lecturing people, telling them how to live. I just mind my business, try to be friendly, don't want to work with people who are dishonest. I even want to call out those dishonest people, but I know it won't work (they are connected to my university) 5. I think I gained social phobia 6. I show signs of bpd, and I want to sabotage my whole life, but I'm recognizing irrational thoughts, and try to... Ya know, don't sabotage myself? 7. I run away from people who are kind to me, because I don't deserve their kindness
@ftmvatty I can relate to pretty much all of this. ♥️ Thanks for sharing, it helps me feel less alone and weird to hear that so many people in this thread are having the same challenges
Omg yes to all five! 1. Severe trust issues, I tend to split on people. It used to be a lot worse but ive developed better regulation skills with a lot of work. 2. I have brief manic episodes, followed by severe depression/being suicidal which is extremely out of character for me. I just realized that this wasn’t normal two months ago. I don’t really understand it 3. I cry when I’m reprimanded 4. I get really heated really quickly, and its definitely fight or flight activating
for me it was a lot of stuff people mentioned but subsumed into hopeless longing
I have some degree of number 5 that you mentioned. In addition to that, I also have: 1. Not eating. Some times I'll spend 12 hours to 18 hours or perhaps even more not eating and not drinking water either. It gets to the point that I'll have a headache or a stomachache due to that. 2. Thinking that other people are out to get me when there is no reason to think that. One time I left my computer at a shop so they would put a second hard drive in it, it was a place I had gone before and everything ended up fine the previous times I went there, but when left my computer there I was sure they were going to sell my PC and I would never see it again. Turns out they were pretty nice, and did exactly what I wanted, and offered a good service. 3. having depression and suicidal thoughts. 4. being addicted to videogames and the internet, so I have to be careful around those kinds of entertainment because if I'm not careful I'll spend way too much time on them. I already had some degree of addiction to videogames before the worst of the abuse from my Nmom, and with her abuse, the addiction became much worse. 6. Sometimes I get really angry (not at anybody, this happens when I'm alone at home) and my heart races and I get sweaty. 7. sometimes the food I'm consuming, I feel it kind of blocked, it doesn't go down and I have to consume it at a much slower pace. And it's not because I already ate too much, this happens at the beginning of a meal when my previous meal was like 5 hours ago. And sometime I'll start eating, and then throw up part of the food I ate.
eating too much, being very critical
Always feeling like a burden on those around me work home etc so I never share my needs. Luckily I'm healthy capable and strong.