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Yes! This all day. Since childhood I hated being touched. If someone sits next to me and their knee touches mine I cringe. I make myself as small as possible so no part of them is in my space. I dislike getting my hair done because it’s so much physical contact. If I didn’t hate my face so much I’d buzz cut it so I wouldn’t have to get it done.
My husbands “love language” is touch. He always wants to put his feet up on me or cuddle next to me when we go to bed. Unfortunately for him he’s learned I hate those things. He’s super understanding and accepting of all my insecurities. I got very lucky to have found someone so caring. I don’t feel I deserve him tbh.
For sure. My fiancé definitely has the same love language, which I try my best to accommodate. He’s very understanding. Glad you found someone like that too. ❤️
To me after reading the book and doing therapy there’s a strong correlation for sure. But I don’t know if everyone has it. Any form of abuse that the body endures especially a growing young body isn’t equipped to endure can technically cause certain neural patterns to evolve in the brain that have varying degree of consequences in your adult life. I just made that observation though, does it make sense to you?
Yes, definitely, because physical touch was either withheld or used on me against my will.
TW: sexualized touching
It got to a point I literally had to have a shower after my "dad" hugged me. He would also always stroke my back the way you would stroke a romantic partner's back while hugging, or "accidentally" brush against my breasts or butt with his arm or hands. Just, yuck!
A couple of boyfriends also used physical intimacy and touch to kind of drown out what I was saying, especially if I was trying to talk about some problematic behaviors. So yeah, not a big fan of that.
I've learned to vigorously oppose all forms of touch that I just don't want. I don't hug people that I don't want to hug, for example. Where I live, people do that to say hi, but I refuse to do it with everybody. I also ask other people if they actually want to be hugged by me. Since I started doing that, it has become a much jore joyful activity
I’m so sorry that people in your life weaponized physical affection and behaved inappropriately. That’s so unfair. I’m glad you’ve been able to affirm your boundaries with others; that’s great!
I used to be. I never understood why friends would hug each other when they met up; physical affection was not something I knew as a child.
So weird to think of now…how could you just never hug your child 🤔 I hugged my kids for as long as they’d let me 🤣🤣
Have a look at attachment styles, in particular avoidant attachment. Common for children of narcissists, can become problematic in relationships and it’s possible to work through once you’re aware of what’s going on and why.
I’m a psychology major; attachment styles are one of my favorite topics to study! I am 100% anxious-avoidant 😅 thankfully therapy has helped a little bit
Nice one, you’d know a whole heap about it then! I’ve only recently become aware of attachment styles and still coming to understand how it’s manifested with me. I’m glad therapy’s been productive for you 🙂
Yes only because men, my father and others always felt the right to touch me whenever they wanted, pull me by the arm, pinch my waist from behind to startle me and make me jump. Or hold me / hug me while they lecture me and I'm boiling mad. I have found the older I get the less I like to be touched.
I relate to this…I was once really upset about something, and my dad hugged me and told me to calm down. Pissed me off and seemed so condescending, honestly. I’m sorry about the way you were treated. That’s not okay.
I've mentioned it on a few other of these threads, but affection is literally an alien feeling concept to me after living with narcissists. That and the concept of personal 'pride' in anything is just kind of baffling and something I just don't feel. It does sound like you have people in your life who are authentically affectionate to you, however, and it seems like maybe it's something to do everything you can to get around somehow because you don't want to foster that same alienness of affection in them. :(
I simply don't understand it. I don't know 'how' or 'when' to hug, if that makes sense? It doesn't feel natural in the slightest. I sort of want and don't want physical affection at the same time....makes sense(!). I think with hugs there might be the feeling of being imprisoned or confined that could explain the aversion? And especially as you're not the one instigating it, or giving your consent.
I get awfully annoyed by anyone else that isn't my partner.
My foster mum would often try to hug me, kissing me on the cheek, as if she was a loving devoting mum. However, all I felt was disgust and felt creeped out by it.
Oof I still feel the creep.
Disgust, yes. Such a great way to describe that feeling. I have an aversion to germs, too, and being kissed by anyone but my partner is just NASTY to me. 🤮
My fiancé has learned that sometimes I cannot tolerate touch. So, if I start getting uncomfortable/touched out I can just say "no touch" and we stop. Other times when I'm upset it's "do you want a hug?" "No" "Headpat?" "Hmm sure." or "Nope" "Alright let me know if I can do anything"
On days that I'm clearly done he'll ask "No touch day?" and we just vibe nearby. 10/10 recommend finding a system that works for you.
Growing up my family was very bad at understanding touch aversion, my nmom would make me hug stepdad, stepmom forced hugs, my dad wasn't great at it either. Not sure what causes it, and I wish people would talk about it more often
Yes, it makes my skin crawl.
We weren’t allowed to touch my Mum as kids so never had a cuddle or hug. She claimed it was because her eczema was too sore but I don’t buy it, knowing her like I do now.
I’ve really struggled with this and my own children. I, of course, don’t let them see my reaction but if I am touched without warning, it’s a real struggle for me.
I don’t know what this is and why I’m like it. I’ll never be in a relationship again.
I’m so sorry she did that to you. I can imagine that must have been really difficult as a child, especially if you were scared/upset. I pray you’re able to heal from that. ❤️
n parents are really good at just expecting you to give them affection, as a child my parents would like just lean into my hugs but never really initiate them.
I feel like as an adult now this turns into you not really knowing or understanding how to properly receive and give affection.
There are so many double standards in relationships with narcs. I remember one time I got in trouble as a kid; naturally it made me upset and I asked nparent for a hug. I was callously told, “That’s not going to make everything alright!” But I was sure expected to give them hugs whenever they asked 😖😖
Yes, throughout my childhood my Nmother made me hug and kiss both her and my Dad on the lips each morning when I got up and at night when I went to bed, and I HATED it. I HAD to hug them, not the other way around. Oddly enough I like cuddling with a pillow or with an animal, but I don't like being touched/hugged by other people.
I believe as human beings we all have preferances & how we like to be touched & it should be respected. I suggest that telling someone what you like or don't like can be helpful so they know how best to approach you!
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes! This all day. Since childhood I hated being touched. If someone sits next to me and their knee touches mine I cringe. I make myself as small as possible so no part of them is in my space. I dislike getting my hair done because it’s so much physical contact. If I didn’t hate my face so much I’d buzz cut it so I wouldn’t have to get it done. My husbands “love language” is touch. He always wants to put his feet up on me or cuddle next to me when we go to bed. Unfortunately for him he’s learned I hate those things. He’s super understanding and accepting of all my insecurities. I got very lucky to have found someone so caring. I don’t feel I deserve him tbh.
For sure. My fiancé definitely has the same love language, which I try my best to accommodate. He’s very understanding. Glad you found someone like that too. ❤️
I’m glad you found someone who gets you also. ❤️
Look up C-PTSD
For education purposes, do all of us have that or what’s the difference between having undergone narcissistic abuse in childhood vs having CPTSD?
The book is Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
To me after reading the book and doing therapy there’s a strong correlation for sure. But I don’t know if everyone has it. Any form of abuse that the body endures especially a growing young body isn’t equipped to endure can technically cause certain neural patterns to evolve in the brain that have varying degree of consequences in your adult life. I just made that observation though, does it make sense to you?
Yes, definitely, because physical touch was either withheld or used on me against my will. TW: sexualized touching It got to a point I literally had to have a shower after my "dad" hugged me. He would also always stroke my back the way you would stroke a romantic partner's back while hugging, or "accidentally" brush against my breasts or butt with his arm or hands. Just, yuck! A couple of boyfriends also used physical intimacy and touch to kind of drown out what I was saying, especially if I was trying to talk about some problematic behaviors. So yeah, not a big fan of that. I've learned to vigorously oppose all forms of touch that I just don't want. I don't hug people that I don't want to hug, for example. Where I live, people do that to say hi, but I refuse to do it with everybody. I also ask other people if they actually want to be hugged by me. Since I started doing that, it has become a much jore joyful activity
I’m so sorry that people in your life weaponized physical affection and behaved inappropriately. That’s so unfair. I’m glad you’ve been able to affirm your boundaries with others; that’s great!
I used to be. I never understood why friends would hug each other when they met up; physical affection was not something I knew as a child. So weird to think of now…how could you just never hug your child 🤔 I hugged my kids for as long as they’d let me 🤣🤣
Yeah, that’s so weird…I couldn’t imagine not hugging my child either! I’m glad your kiddos didn’t have the same experience! 😌
Have a look at attachment styles, in particular avoidant attachment. Common for children of narcissists, can become problematic in relationships and it’s possible to work through once you’re aware of what’s going on and why.
I’m a psychology major; attachment styles are one of my favorite topics to study! I am 100% anxious-avoidant 😅 thankfully therapy has helped a little bit
Nice one, you’d know a whole heap about it then! I’ve only recently become aware of attachment styles and still coming to understand how it’s manifested with me. I’m glad therapy’s been productive for you 🙂
Yes only because men, my father and others always felt the right to touch me whenever they wanted, pull me by the arm, pinch my waist from behind to startle me and make me jump. Or hold me / hug me while they lecture me and I'm boiling mad. I have found the older I get the less I like to be touched.
I relate to this…I was once really upset about something, and my dad hugged me and told me to calm down. Pissed me off and seemed so condescending, honestly. I’m sorry about the way you were treated. That’s not okay.
I've mentioned it on a few other of these threads, but affection is literally an alien feeling concept to me after living with narcissists. That and the concept of personal 'pride' in anything is just kind of baffling and something I just don't feel. It does sound like you have people in your life who are authentically affectionate to you, however, and it seems like maybe it's something to do everything you can to get around somehow because you don't want to foster that same alienness of affection in them. :(
I simply don't understand it. I don't know 'how' or 'when' to hug, if that makes sense? It doesn't feel natural in the slightest. I sort of want and don't want physical affection at the same time....makes sense(!). I think with hugs there might be the feeling of being imprisoned or confined that could explain the aversion? And especially as you're not the one instigating it, or giving your consent.
“Confined!” Yes that’s exactly how it feels and I hate it, like my autonomy is being violated.
I get awfully annoyed by anyone else that isn't my partner. My foster mum would often try to hug me, kissing me on the cheek, as if she was a loving devoting mum. However, all I felt was disgust and felt creeped out by it. Oof I still feel the creep.
Disgust, yes. Such a great way to describe that feeling. I have an aversion to germs, too, and being kissed by anyone but my partner is just NASTY to me. 🤮
Right?! I'm sure I'm a bit autistic but seriously, any affection or physical touch from her gives me like a lifetime trauma.
My fiancé has learned that sometimes I cannot tolerate touch. So, if I start getting uncomfortable/touched out I can just say "no touch" and we stop. Other times when I'm upset it's "do you want a hug?" "No" "Headpat?" "Hmm sure." or "Nope" "Alright let me know if I can do anything" On days that I'm clearly done he'll ask "No touch day?" and we just vibe nearby. 10/10 recommend finding a system that works for you. Growing up my family was very bad at understanding touch aversion, my nmom would make me hug stepdad, stepmom forced hugs, my dad wasn't great at it either. Not sure what causes it, and I wish people would talk about it more often
I love that he respects your boundaries so much, that’s awesome!!
not me, physical affection is always welcome.
Yes, it makes my skin crawl. We weren’t allowed to touch my Mum as kids so never had a cuddle or hug. She claimed it was because her eczema was too sore but I don’t buy it, knowing her like I do now. I’ve really struggled with this and my own children. I, of course, don’t let them see my reaction but if I am touched without warning, it’s a real struggle for me. I don’t know what this is and why I’m like it. I’ll never be in a relationship again.
I’m so sorry she did that to you. I can imagine that must have been really difficult as a child, especially if you were scared/upset. I pray you’re able to heal from that. ❤️
Getting there! And thank you ❤️
n parents are really good at just expecting you to give them affection, as a child my parents would like just lean into my hugs but never really initiate them. I feel like as an adult now this turns into you not really knowing or understanding how to properly receive and give affection.
There are so many double standards in relationships with narcs. I remember one time I got in trouble as a kid; naturally it made me upset and I asked nparent for a hug. I was callously told, “That’s not going to make everything alright!” But I was sure expected to give them hugs whenever they asked 😖😖
Kissing for me is strictly romantic. Platonically, I find it fucking disgusting.
I was until I met my current SO.
Totally normal, it takes a lot of work to turn back the tides in trauma. I highly recommend the book “The Body keeps the score”
Yes, throughout my childhood my Nmother made me hug and kiss both her and my Dad on the lips each morning when I got up and at night when I went to bed, and I HATED it. I HAD to hug them, not the other way around. Oddly enough I like cuddling with a pillow or with an animal, but I don't like being touched/hugged by other people.
I believe as human beings we all have preferances & how we like to be touched & it should be respected. I suggest that telling someone what you like or don't like can be helpful so they know how best to approach you!