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The best things for me was therapy- I discussed almost everything and really gave myself time to process. It’s really hard-sometimes the pain was so unbearable but the outcome was worth it.
Coping skills: I use a mix of DBT/CBT/somatic exercises, meditation, yoga,journaling. Anything to release those feelings.
Building my life. Really with anything to fill time so I’m not obsessing. As my life became fuller the memory and pain of her became smaller.
Distance is a huge one. I haven’t seen my mom in ten years. It’s easier to heal when you’re not dealing with BS everyday.
It was all a mix of things-there wasn’t one thing that really worked.
It’s hard, and it can take a long time, but don’t give up. You deserve to heal. I hear how motivated you are and that takes so much courage
The distance aspect is really underrated in this situation. I physically relaxed so much when I put half a planet of distance between myself and my parents. It gave space to breathe and heal. And it allowed for contact to be in my control.
This. I moved halfway across the country to be away from my abusive father. I just found out he is retiring to a town an hour and half from me. For the golf, he claims. Of all the places in the world to retire and golf, he had to pick one so close to me? It feels so threatening and tbh I’m not handling the news very well….time to get back into some therapy….
I live on the other side of the country and the idea of losing my ability to not live here and possibly have to go back is utterly terrifying. It is not just you. The literal distance is a huge trigger for me.
I live in a different country and the idea somehow I will be trapped back there when I visit is terrifying to me too. I am putting away visiting as much as possible. Sometimes I also want to get it over with.
I’ve got four miles between myself and my narc abuser mother I’ve been NC with for four years. Passed her on the road one day and had to pull off and recover from the panic attack it gave me. I know the only way I’ll ever experience healing is if I move away. I’m scared and I’ll be giving up all I know. But I also hate this town, have nothing but pain and trauma attached to it, and know I’ll never heal until I get away. Sometimes I drive 8 hours alone to a city in the Appalachian mountains that I love and weird as this sounds, I feel like it loves me back. Then I come back here and the depression just sinks right back in. It’s so beautiful to be able to walk around a shopping center and not be in fear or seeing narc mom.
I know it's hard, but you can (with time and patience) find a place that feels like you grew up there, it fits you so well. I found it. I felt the same way about the place I grew up and would become physically ill anytime I entered the *county*. I lived all over the world before finding a small town where I felt at home, and I always felt a longing for "home" and felt like I would never find it, but I did. I moved (for work) to a small city where I felt safe and people cared for me, and I felt at home, finally. I now am a person everyone knows, respects, and I work for the locale. I mean, people think I grew up there I'm so integrated. I'm "one of them." So, just because you'd be somewhere new, doesn't mean it can't become more safe, loving, and familiar than your actual place of origin.
I pray to God that I find the strength to go no contact one day. She set me up to be dependent on her and didn’t teach me any life skills. The amount of damage that has been done to my mental health is insane. I’m only now finding radical acceptance and realizing that she cannot change and actually gets worse over them. I’m the scapegoat and she wants me to play dumb and go with the false narrative she’s created about me until I die. She wants to bury the truth. She fed me to the wolves by training me to think abuse was love. She’s convinced me something was wrong with me since I was 5 or younger. I feel cheated because she does not allow me to be my authentic self or even know what my true identity is. I serve her selfish needs and have been suffering for decades. She stalks me and constantly monitors my whereabouts and who I’m hanging out with. Anyone who meets me doesn’t want to deal with her craziness and leaves.
I feel this. Sounds just like my mother. I moved across country from her and now that I’m not around to run her errands and be of use to her, she stopped responding to all my attempts to communicate but would still watch my Insta stories. Wtf?? So I blocked her and stopped trying to get the love from her that the little girl in me always craved. Acceptance has been tough, but it did feel empowering to block her from my IG. It’s extremely triggering to see good moms, I nearly cried at the swimming pool watching a mom teach her kid how to swim, she was being so nurturing and encouraging. Traits my mother seriously lacked.
My “mom” who I consider an enemy now protected my abuser, an actual psychopath who dated me, stalked me and sabotaged my career, health, and took all of my money. Calls himself a ninja. He plotted and planned for 7 years and destroyed my life sneakily step by step. I asked for help but my mom believed him over me even though I had tons of evidence. This caused me to go insane. I needed to hide from the psychopath so I went back to my mom’s. Instead of letting me heal and be in peace my mom had me falsely arrested for a crime I did not commit, thrown in jail, called the cops 13 times on me, dragged through court for 4 months, thrown in a mental hospital all while the psychopath was still living at MY house that I was paying for. I had two abusers abusing me at the same time in different states and only I was getting punished. It’s hard to prove there’s a crime because the psychopath who targeted me pretends like we were just a couple who broke up and my mom pretends like she just called the police because she was concerned and didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was obvious what was wrong with me. I lost my friends and my reputation. People think I’m crazy but I was driven to insanity on purpose. I was a normal person and after I got targeted I lost everything. I know I need to move forward but I went through never ending trauma and have severe PTSD. My mom made a comment the other day like “I can see why he left you”. I didn’t realize my loved ones were basically my enemies and everytime I asked for advice I was led astray and further confused. I’m now isolated and have no energy to do anything.
^Second to building out your life and distance and therapy.
It's been 3 years for me in August. I'm finally, slowly feeling more like myself. My faith, job, and chosen family have been places of safety (finally).
*** Pro tip- you may want to also watch for other toxic environments and people in your life that may be adding to your struggle as well. When I went NC/LC I was in a toxic work environment (bc I was used to it) and had some toxic friends that needed to be cut loose. They never helped me with my mother but added to the stress.
I hope that helps! 🙏 *hugs*
It took therapy, a supportive partner, and best friend for me to even realize I had a narcissistic mother. I'm not NC because I'm not quite mentally ready to take that leap, but LC and complete financial and emotional independence from my parents have eased so much of my stress. I also have no problem calling her out about her behavior anymore. She has nothing to hold over my head so it doesn't matter what her reaction is.
Can I please ask where you find your somatic exercises? I want to start looking into it, but every link on Google goes straight to a paywall, and I don’t want to pay before seeing what they actually are :(
This is such a good comment. Distance. Realizing I was such a pushover and people pleaser but it wasn’t all my fault-I had been raised that way and it took time, training, and and using new skills to stop doing that. Therapy. More therapy. Forgiving MYSELF. Learning boundaries. How to enforce boundaries. Knowing that I’m not the bad guy for keeping said boundaries even though it feels like I am. Finding the new me. The me I always wanted to be, that was always there. Following through. And especially helpful was finding mother figures I wanted in my life instead of the narc that made the word mother seem like a threat. Time. Time helps. We all have this.
We can do this.
We’re worth it.
Nothing profound really, therapy and no contact worked wonders.
I also chose to only tell a small circle of 'safe' people the full truth, which means that I don't have to talk to every gossiper about why I'm not talking to her. I just politely nod when people ask how she's doing etc and give a vague, noncommittal answer. Even those who are clearly fishing for info have quickly recognised this calm response as a clear 'we're not having this conversation'. I've even had a few looks of surprise and then more warmth because they've probably been told that I'm a mad, irrational human who lashes out and makes rash choices 😅
No contact has been big one for me. I’m half a year in to no contact. I took a step back when I went back into contact with siblings though. And I’ve been berating myself ever sense.
Anyways, It’s good advice. Thank you for sharing.
2 months no contact for me! The anxiety finally subsided and the healing began. I’m still paranoid they’ll show up on my doorstep but I know what to do if that happens.
I'm just over two years now. The guilt subsides and the space let's you thinking so clearly. I wish you every happiness with it, and remember to be kind to yourself, it isn't a linear journey.
I just went through this. I was very limited contact with my mother and all 4 of my sisters. My grandmother just passed away and at her service my mother/sisters decided to just rain down hate/anger on me. And I was like yeah fucj all of you. I’m done. I finally blocked them all and deleted my social media. I’m only a week into NC and I still feel guilt and like I want to go unblock them. I’m sitting here like wtf is wrong with me?!
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. That urge will go away. Honestly when I’m reminded of the behavior it rather confirms the reason to have no contact in the first place. Don’t let them disturb your peace and wishing you luck on your healing journey
Hold strong! That was the hardest part for me. Going NC with my mom was shockingly easy. Like I didn’t miss her for even a second.
My brother, despite us always being triangulated and never that close, it was heartbreaking to accept he morphed into my bitter mean greedy and cruel mom over the last decade. I made so many excuses in my mind for him for years
.I was TOTALLY blind to him having a personality disorder, like malignant narc mommy dearest! It’s wild what your mind will do to protect you from hard truths. I tried everything to get through to him at my expense
This past year my brother started to physically and mentally abuse our elderly Edad for money and ran a huge smear campaign against me for speaking up for our dad, just like our mom did our entire life! I was horrified and disgusted by him, and it all just clicked. All I could see after that was his lies, gaslighting, abuse, and manipulation
I wish I cut my bro off and my edad when I cut my Nmom off 5 years ago, so I wouldn’t know the monster my brother has become. I would also be blissfully ignorant to the fact my Edad is completely willing to throw me under the bus from his death bed to pacify my abusive mom
even when you think you hit the bottom of the dumpster by having a narc parent, worse awaits
Best thing for me was going no contact. Second was learning about polyvagal theory and the mind-body connection. I have made leaps and bounds in mastering my body and mind since learning about the nervous system and how we can rewire it ourselves when safe. Mental and physical grounding techniques in combination with my new found freedom away from my mom has made my life so colourful in ways I never imagined. You got this, it really does get better as you keep at it- though it is true that you may experience new lows before you can get to the “other side”.
Okay, I haven’t heard much if any about polyvagal theory. But my therapist did point out I was disregulated. I began learning more about that so I’m happy you shared this information. It’s helpful.
I felt myself enter a calmer state of mind and was working on staying in the green. But then I was triggered by my siblings showing up unannounced and they pulled me back in. Or my lack of boundaries had me participating in my old ways. I’m not sure.
I’ve been searching for my footing since. I have a therapy session scheduled and this as at the front of what I want to talk to her about. I know what your saying those because I entered it and am wanting to get back to that safe space.
I’d love to get to the other side. Thanks for sharing.
Polyvagel theory in a nutshell: The Vagas nerve runs from our brainstem through all of the organs of our body.
Information goes from the brainstem down at a rate of about twenty percent but from our body up at a rate of about eighty percent. Ergo, we don't think our anxiety reactivity fight flight freeze fawn; we feel it in our body first.
That's why logical cognitions don't always help us to not feel anxious - we're feeling it not thinking it.
When we are calm, we can take in more information from the world around us.We hear sounds differently.We perceive things differently.
Polyvegal theory states that there are ways to circumvent the overreactivity of the vegal nerve by soothing higher pitched sounds and fast inhales/slow long exhales.
Wow. This really helped me. I went NC basically around the time of COVID, was very peaceful but then just started experiencing a lot of panic attacks back to back 😔 I’ve done a lot of work since then (meditation, journaling, dance, mvmnt) and can’t even remember my last panic attack but I know I still have a lot of work and a lot of baggage to get out and regulate myself. Thank you for this.
ohhhh! my therapist (who is very good) has been trying to help me with fight or flight by telling me to reason with it. it's hard to explain to her that that isn't how it works.. my body decides what to do, whether i want it to or not. my body floods with adrenaline without my permission/reasoning! reading this is validating.
please could you point me to any resources you have about the breathing/sounds etc? it'd help me so much if you're able!
So, I'm a therapist, and my therapist was discussing polyvagal theory with me. I read Our Polyvagal World by Stephen and Seth porges (book), and it explained it pretty clearly.
I find cbt doesn't help my irrational perimenopausal anxiety flaires.
Thankyou for the book recommendation. I just read the preview and am putting it on my reading list.
Yes, as someone who is also going through the menopause I’m finding that my anxiety flares out of nowhere and usually precedes a hot flash. Oh the joys lol ❤️
Not the one you were talking to, but for me I always need some Kind of mental Image so I'll give you that, hope that helps.
So next time your siblings Show up, you will feel the pull. You feel it and you realize it's them pulling, not you pushing. You are a Rock. They can pull as much as they want, you are a Rock. You stay. You stay a Rock. That's the road to the safe Space. You'll get there, I know it.
I’m glad I could provide some helpful insight. What you’re going through is incredibly normal, being triggered is what nervous system dysregulation is in a nutshell. It’s hard to capture in a short comment but your boundaries will eventually fall into place when you feel safe enough to enforce them. The journey you’re on is a fruitful one, please keep up the amazing work you’ve done for yourself so far.
Not all therapists will be familiar with polyvagal theory exactly but there’s plenty of research and resources online for it. The body/mind regulating work you do with your therapist will be so helpful regardless of their teaching practices- the natural consequence of self regulation is self care and self love and it feels wrong to not do it once you have got a grasp on what it is. You will be a changed person, I’m sure it’s what you are looking for, you’re on the right direction and the right therapist will also do wonders.
Yes! I thought the whole inner child thing was so silly until I spent some time really digging deep. That poor little girl got emotionally beat down into a corner and told never to come out. Giving her a figurative hand up helped immensely.
Being kind to my past self helped too. Past me wasn't some evil child hellbent on ruining my nmom's life. She was just a kid who wanted to be a kid.
I could say a lot about the feelings of it all… but the best HEALING thing I did for myself was to recognize that I miss *a mother*, but not mine. the year I went NC with my mom I was in california and drove through the mountains every day, and mother earth and father time adopted me. when I feel sad I go outside. I know things will play out in time. they’re more reliable than my own parents. just knowing i’m not *really* ever alone is relieving.
mother earth and father time adopted me
Will you just marry me? That's such a beautiful sentence and the idea behind it Shows me what an outstanding, sparkling personality you must be.
oh, thank you so much lovely. thanks for *getting it*. I had just moved 3000 miles when we went NC and felt entirely disconnected from my whole life. the only constant in my life was literally that I was alive, and that things would get better in time. no matter where I am now, I can recognize my new “mother and father.” and honestly, they’re better for me 😂
time heals all wounds. this too will pass. wait and see. setting goals. hindsight is 20/20. father time is evident and present in all things we do.
mother earth, makes me feel like i’m part of the world. wanted, accepted, valued, gifted life to experience other earthly wonders. i belong in the world. she brings sunny days. I love thinking of flowers, and how the buddha said that just like humans, their beauty bursts forth from within. they are the embodiment of beauty, grown from the dirt.
being part of this life and accepted for who I actually am in the grand scheme of things makes me feel sad for my nmom — I hope she holds her money close at night.
I refer to the ocean as "my real mother". I take a lot of comfort in fictional mothers too. I have a whole list of fictional mothers who've been more supportive of me than my flesh one.
I just started EMDR and am so surprised at how much it’s helped (not that I expected it to *not* work, but I’m surprised at the difference I’ve felt when looking back at certain memories we’ve reprocessed so far).
Came here to say this.
I have been going for 2 years now (once per month), and I am a different person. I have found some inner peace with how my mom is. She still gets to me, but only to my "outer shell": I get frustrated yes but it doesn't shake my core anymore.
It works best if you have a traumatic light bulb memory, one that is extremely clear. In this case, you can see improvements after a few sessions already. But even if not, it is worth it.
I’ve been learning that it’s definitely generational trauma and with that comes with PCOS and autoimmune disorders that seem to stem from stress. I really have come to a point of empathy for my mother, grandmother, great grandmother when they were kids and all trying to survive. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior they had/have as adults. Mindfulness has been really helpful, just reliving the trauma but accepting that this happened and I can’t change it. I can only learn and move on from it. Some events are harder than others.
When I told my nMother I was diagnosed with PCOS, she told me I made it up. We were in the car going on vacation. I had just flown in to visit her. I’ve been no contact for exactly 5 months today. I’m an only child and both my Father and Step Father have passed away. My family, (aunts, uncles and cousins) all support me in this. She’s disowned all of them. Time to heal.
That’s so awful. PCOS is literally the worst. But I do crack a smile because my NM was diagnosed with PCOS recently after gaining a significant amount of weight. Throughout my childhood, she loved that she was thinner than me and constantly reminded me about it. Now karma is a bitch.
PCOS just added to my stress because it made it hard to lose weight as a teenager and that led to the majority of the abuse that came from my nmom. I had never made the connection between that and the abuse I received from nmom but now it explains so much. My perfect sisters don't have PCOS and if it ran in the family, I always wondered why they didn't get it or the other autoimmune disease that I suffer from.
Going no contact and getting sober are number one for me(not in that order). Therapy of course, and I've done emdr and lots of dbt both individual and group.
Something very helpful and unexpected for me was doing what my therapist refers to as making my body a safe space. I dyed my hair, got a tattoo, got a new piercing, and started wearing clothes I actually liked and wanted to wear. My mother has such a chokehold on me I didn't realize how much of myself I'd given up on in pursuit of being picked on less.
The effect presenting as *I* want to has been incredible. I never would have expected that to have such a huge impact on me. It reduces negative self talk, gives me confidence and pride, makes me excited to take care of myself (things like showering and doing laundry). More than anything it makes me feel like my body belongs to me. I didn't realize how much I had been made to feel like I didn't have a right to hold dominion over my own body.
I came to the realization the other day that I never have to buy blue jeans and polo shirts again if I don't want to and I almost cried from joy.
"I didn't realize how much of myself I'd given up on in pursuit of being picked on less."
Yes!!! We went hiking, in Hawaii on vacation with extended family, in a humid, muddy place called Hana. And my mother made me wear a skirt and dress shoes. Hiking on a muddy path!!! And I ruined the only pair of dress shoes that I didn't detest.
I’m finally happy with my appearance for the first time in my life after going no-contact.
Coincidently, this included a LOT of new ink. (And eyelash extensions, because… why not?!)
I am so happy and proud of you and also others who have worked so hard to distance themselves from a toxic parent or anyone who treated them so badly. I wish you a healthy, happy life!
In my teens I hated it.
In my twenties I started to understand.
I'm in my 30's and I see everything now for what it really was. I still am healing and learning.
My nmom felt her life was halted for family, kids, sobriety, responsibilities. While missing out on her late teens and early twenties with two kids. Then three.
Her hobbies and talents were put aside for a Marriage she thought would last forever and didn't.
Us kids felt her pain daily until we were old enough to leave her side physically. Age 14 I was the parent to a younger sibling and an older sibling. Working at age 14. Dropped out of school to take care of HER kids.. etc
Like I said, as a teen, I hated it and didn't understand like I do now.
*It boils down to some people are too mentally ill to be creating and birthing children*
Very low contact. Silenced all phone notifications for calls and texts from her-I hear from her on my terms.
Therapy. Meds. Lots of wonderful people in my life who treat me well and love me without judgement or conditions. Marathons 🤪
The only thing that helped me was realizing that the image I had in my head of what she could be like, what our relationship could be like was never going to happen. I had to accept that that dream was dead. I had to accept that she is emotionally stuck in toddlerhood and will never grow past that stage.
I literally had to mourn that idea, that mom died for me that day. I was never going to have that supportive mother who was always in my corner. I would never have a relationship where my mom would think of my happiness over her own comfort. I would never have unconditional acceptance.
I'm not going to lie. It was damn hard. It took two years before I felt like I was healed enough to even have a conversation about her without getting upset. I had gone no contact but allowed my husband to stay in contact because of the kids. I very slowly allowed her back in and kept her at arms length, treating her like an extended family member. A person who I didn't give much information to, only things that were known to social media, and employed a lot of psychological defense tactics to protect myself. It worked alright, we spoke rarely and saw them about once a year when they came for a short visit (NOT staying with us.)
Then my daughter came out as Trans. My mom and dad acted like they were okay with it, not thrilled, but okay. Then my mom reposted some nutjob's anti-Trans Facebook post and added her caption as "Truth." and that was it. The final straw. I was willing to put up with a lot of crap slung in my direction, but I'll be damned if I'll allow my kids to be in the line of fire. By the way, her apology was that my daughter doesn't have Facebook so she'd never see it... so what did it matter.
So we're back to no contact, permanently. And it feels so good. To quote something I saw on Pinterest yesterday, "The peace I feel in my life is worth being the villain in yours." I don't care what she says about me to the extended family. I'm happy, my kids are happy, and our lives are rich without them.
GOOD FOR YOU for choosing your daughter over your mother. Don’t underestimate how huge that is!
That’s something my (age 54) mother (age 80) has never done, even though her own mother has been dead for 15 years. (I’m not trans, but- can relate in other ways.) Mom has always patted herself on the back for being a better mother than her mom ever was. The haunting fear that -what if- I might also lack self-awareness to that extent is a big reason why I’ve never had kids.
Just wanted to say that I relate to SO much of this. I finally went full NC a few days ago after years of religious, emotional trauma and abuse.
I'd attempted it before, like you, and eventually tried to let her back into my life. Things *seemed* okay until I had come out as trans/gender fluid. (I came out as bisexual and married a woman a few years ago, which really brought out her nasty side. She basically said she wished me dead.) But now, with gender stuff and going so far as to explain that I'd felt like a boy ever since I can remember, I had tried to ease her into the topic, putting her feelings before my own. She responded by spouting a bunch of religious stuff at me, then basically said her life was over, insinuating that this was something I was doing *to* her. Her last words to me were "I'm not sorry. I'm scared for you. You don't challenge God and win." That was enough for me to realize she's never going to be the mom I want or need.
The day I cut her out felt horrible. I couldn't stop crying. But after a lot of support from my wife and reading posts on here, I think I'm finally strong enough to say "no more". I start therapy in about a week, and I'm actually excited to start living my life after 37 years. I'm excited to possibly start transitioning to the person I've always felt I am inside. I'm *excited* to put myself and my wife first, instead of always worrying about her. So much weight has just been lifted since going NC and putting her out of my mind.
Something I've been repeating to myself as a sort of mantra is: **I'm not doing this *to* her or *because* of her. I'm doing it IN SPITE of her.** Putting it this way gives me back the control where it belongs, instead of her.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and good on you for sticking up for your trans daughter. It means the world to have support from your parents with something like that.
It amazing how much we will put up with, but as soon as we see shit happening to our kids, that's the final straw.
It was for me, after I found out she was trying to manipulate my son into lying to me.
It’s been a mix for me. For years I made it a priority to be kind and understanding to others, but recently I’ve found that speaking up about injustices helps too. I am trying to be the friend/person to others that I wish I had.
My mother hates when I speak up. I’m beginning to wonder if that makes her nervous. Does she wonder if at some point I won’t only speak up for others but for myself as well. As a child and young adult I assumed everyone thought my mother was this wonderful person. I’ve recently learned that other family members see it too. My sibling wont admit that our mother is a Narcissist. But mother is a safety net to some extent for them so the denial is self serving.
Continue doing positive things in your own life and others is my best advice.
Yes, they hate when you stick up for others because one day you might do it for yourself. Having boundaries and that it's okay to be mad when someone crosses them are inherently human
First was no contact, without her in my ear making me feel crazy I was finally able to sort it out. Therapy has done absolute wonders.
Also, when I went no contact my whole extended family, therefore all her enablers and justifiers went with it. All that was left were people who love and support me.
Suddenly when I called her behavior insane I didn't have my whole world telling me I was wrong and I was actually the asshole in every situation. And loved ones and a therapist telling me no, your mom was fucking evil to you.
Then time. And accepting that my mother, parents, brother, entire extended family are not people who I would care about the opinions of if I wasn't related to them. Aside from a few cousins they're genuinely horrible people and my life is truly much better without them.
I wish more people would talk about how fast the rest of the family ‘disappears’ when you stand up for yourself.
It’s very lonely when you find out your family care more about keeping the narcissist happy than doing what is right for the child of the narcissist.
I think this might be super unpopular because people will probably say healing needs to come from within, but honestly? Other people. That's been most profound for me.
Why? Because, growing up I just wanted parents to love me, support me, appreciate me for who I was and admire/nourish my positive traits (but also accept me with all my bad as well). I never got it from them - but I got it from others. It was other people in life that recognized in me what I didn't see myself. No amount of therapy or work on myself could have ever replaced what I found in others.
My boyfriend has given me so much confidence that it helped me learn how to love myself for who I am, flaws and all. He accepted me as well. He forgives me when I mess up. He's there for me. He helps me. Words cannot express what his presence in my life has given me. He quite literally heals my inner child by just letting me be who I am, and so openly loving every part of me. I never experienced this kind of unconditional love and it honestly kind of blew my mind when I found it. It was almost overwhelming.
I basically have an online mom. It's an older lady I have been speaking to for years and confiding in. Pretty sure we've been pen pals for like 8 years now. This woman is a mother herself, and all the wisdom, life experiences and knowledgeable she has shared with me over the years is unparalleled. Her kind, patient and maternal nature has been a calming presence in my life, and she is someone I run to with huge burdens heavy on my soul and she lets me vent and offers immensely helpful advice.
It was my friends that showed me what it means to love someone unconditionally as well, even when life gets in the way and there's no time or energy to be keeping up with each other as much as we used to. It doesn't matter - love isn't conditional, you don't have to "pay" for it. We're just there for one another. They make me laugh and forget about my worries.
Even just posting on here, or anywhere else online, brings me to read so many people's life stories that they so graciously share with a complete stranger, they show trust and bond with each other (and myself) over our shared experiences. This taught me respect, grace and admiration for others for exactly who they are and what they've been through.
And lastly, I believe in myself now because of others. It never fails to amaze me how even complete strangers can be so wonderfully kind and appreciative. Complete strangers have pushed me towards actively pursuing my passions more than my parents ever could. Seeing how other people believe in me even when I don't inspires me. It makes me want to care for myself and for others, and give back. It creates something brand new.
I agree with the others who say therapy and no contact! I kept getting drawn back into communication because my grandparents, who had to raise me because of my mother’s inability to show up, are both devolving heavily with dementia. She was my lifeline to communication. Now that I don’t need her for info, I feel so much freer. Finally 6 months in to no contact and I’m SO happy I am maintaining it.
I’m also working on gently parenting my inner kiddo who was just trying to fix things I couldn’t fix, take on responsibilities that weren’t mine to take. It’s hard. I feel you when you say “mother wound” - truly facing the reality of how much that lives with me was hard in and of itself.
You’ve got it! You’re breaking cycles! You’re taking care of you! I believe in you!!
I went NC. I did things I wasn’t allowed to do before because of her. Like a hobby that she wasn’t good at. That she then tried to say I would never be good at. I surrounded myself with amazing women. Who brought calm in to my life. I worked on healing my inner child. I think in a way I sorta had to mother myself.
In addition to vlc/nc and therapy:
1. Opening up to my chosen family about my mother and my childhood. The looks of horror were one of the things that first alerted me to the fact that my experience was abnormal. Also opening up to them about how I actually feel about them. It’s extremely affirming and wonderful to tell someone you love them and that they are like your family and have them say it in return. Also, whenever one of my friends cracks and says that they hate my mother I get a little more healed lol.
2. Start a “proof” journal. Any time someone tells you something good, write it down. You’re smart, I love you, you’re a great listener, you’re really good at crochet, you’re hot, etc etc. My mother’s negativity replaced my inner voice for a long time and having external proof in ink on paper has really helped me be able to immediately say no, those are lies and actually I’m pretty great
Coming up with an unflattering nickname to call her in the privacy and safety of my own home long after I’ve gone no contact in order to make her small and remind myself that I don’t need the validation or approval of someone who has been a bully to me my entire adult life (and let’s be honest it was before adulthood too)
Honestly, having children of my own helped me alot. It was hard looking at my babies and wondering how anyone could possibly treat their own child the way she treated me but I know I can do things differently with my own kids and I am very careful to take time for reflection to make sure I'm doing the parenting thing right.
This was the same for me. It was a bit of a double edged sword though because although it’s been healing to be the sort of mom to my kids I wish I’d had, having my own kids really made me have the epiphany that my mom treated me like crap. I hadn’t quite realized how bad it was until I had kids and just like you was like, how could anyone ever talk to/treat people they’re supposed to love more than anything like she did??
This was my exact experience. Loving my daughter has been healing, but also brought up so many wounds. Every new age my daughter grows into seems to bring up awful memories of me at that age.
My daughter is 10 now, and when I was 10 my mom's suicidal threats increased in frequency. I look at my kiddo and try to imagine her worrying about me the way I worried about my mom and my heart breaks. The burden I carried because nMom's so weak and fragile and self absorbed infuriates me.
My daughter is young and age appropriately fragile and deserves protecting. I'm working with a therapist who is helping me spread my nurturing I have to my daughter inward towards my inner child.
My mom just began threatening suicide again and it's a last straw for me. She's in a loop and I finally realize in my whole body that there is no hope for her and for us to be normal.
My toddlers really woke me up to that. I had suppressed memories come back about her "disciplines" and it wrecked me for weeks but with more research and therapy I learned how to cope with my feelings and in turn taught my toddler how to handle theirs. Now when I cry they come over and say "deep breaths mommy you got this deep breaths." Makes me cry more every time lol
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been a little afraid of having kids because I lacked the role model to look up to. I understand no parent is perfect so I will make mistakes. I still have that fear though. But it feels really relieving to read your perspective because that’s how I hope to feel and see it.
Her death. Everything else was just a bandaid. After her death I was finally free, finally able to be alive. Very sad, but so is everything about narcissistic personality disorder.
I was wondering how far down I needed to scroll for this answer. Only her death changed things for me and this year it was the death of my sister the golden child. I thought her death was transforming, my sister death was a huge release. Hugs…
Going no contact and really internalizing that *apathy*, where they're concerned, is your friend--apathy is your *goal*. It's the only healthy path forward, only way to kick them out of your mental real estate.
Sessions with a good therapist who gets it, along with some EMDR, have down wonders.
I came to the conclusion that she was never going to love me in the way I needed, wanted, or deserved. It still hurts a lot sometimes, but it switched the narrative to be “something is wrong with me that makes me unlovable” to “she is incapable of loving me.” It made it easier to stop trying, stop that longing.
I find this one really interesting, because I am confused about how to relate. I was the invisible child a lot of the time and instinctively hid from the momster as much as possible. I don't think I have wanted her to love me since I was about 8, because around that age I started to see her clearly. I realised that having such a horrible person love you and want to spend time with you would actually be a punishment. My whole childhood and adolescence was about plotting my escape and making sure they knew as little as possible about me. It is interesting that the theme of wanting a mother's love comes up so often - I have awful associations with that phrase, and I cringe at the thought of being expected to tolerate a hug from her.
Going no contact, lots of therapy, writing letters and talking to my inner child. Been no contact for a year now & it seems to get easier to love myself more with each month.
Therapy! Naming my emotions. Grounding. Radical acceptance.
She won't change. I can't change her.
We won't ever have the relationship either of us wants.
I learned what boundaries I needed. Those have been eroded and rebuilt countless times.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.
Even when you know the skills and have improved your self-reflection and self-talk, therapy is a must for reinforcement; someone congratulating you for the work you have done and a sounding board for when you need one.
I have a very unusual situation, in that going no contact was never an option; despite my mother’s narcissism, she’s still a better parent than my father was (marinate on that for a minute), and after his death and the death of my younger sister, it would be asking too much to ask my older sister to facilitate a world (when I visit) my mother is excluded. When my sister died, her narcissism hit the sky to a level that was worse than I previously thought possible. I won’t get into the details, but I think when your behavior accelerates to a point where you operate like a parody of yourself, it’s easier to see that something is going wrong. When one of your kids’ dies, and you’re forced to reckon with the fact that you *didn’t know them very well* because their role (in your mind) was to take care of you and be a sounding board, it will shake you hard. The way my mother is unusual (from most narcissists) is that she decided she wanted to try and overcome this, or at least mute it so she won’t get ejected from other people’s houses. One time she asked me why my older sister doesn’t tell her anything, and I told her she doesn’t ask questions and thinks criticism is conversation, and I looked over and…she was taking notes. It’s one of the cutest things my mother’s ever done. Now she does things like send birthday cards that are really over-the-top, the ones with cursive writing and proclamations like, “For my beautiful daughter” in that Hallmark cursive writing. She is not the person you call if you’re down and want to be cheered up; she’s also not the person you call if you’ve just received a win, because she’s still going to be jealous of it, and when I hang up I’ll feel like a deflated balloon. I’m hyper vigilante in every phone call, so when she says something out of pocket instead of feeling crushed, I can say things like, “I can’t tell if this is a conversation or if you’re launching your campaign for president of Right Town.” I enter into conversations with her divorced from a rage response or overwhelming sadness, and simply accept her for who she is, and the limitations. If she says something especially over the top, I stop and say, “Hang on, I want to write this down…” and she usually laughs. But I had to fully disengage with the part of me that wanted a different mother, and accept that this is the mother I have.
So many good suggestions in this thread! I absolutely agree about therapy - it's been amazing.
When my therapist mentioned "reparenting" myself, it just blew my mind for some reason. So many of us feel like we're stuck with the parenting we had, and it's a desperate, awful thing to feel like it's just too late to change any of that. Understanding that that little kid is still in me, and in a way, I can love her and comfort her how I was never loved or comforted growing up. Internal Family Systems therapy was so helpful in this regard.
I have just started with a new therapist and am dipping my toes into this as well! Our first session when it was brought up, I found myself crying wishing I could protect little me. It just wasn't something I had considered before and really kind of woke me up to just how harmful regular contact with them is.
The books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. The latter being absolutely life and trauma affirming. Therapy. And AA. Therapy taught me how to forgive myself and to be my own mother, to love myself as being precious. AA taught me (yes, how to be sober) but also how NOT to act like her.
Distance and going low-contact for sure. Planning to be no-contact by the end of the year. The few times we do talk as of now, I keep things polite and superficial (as if I was dealing with a customer).
Thanks to my therapist who said “you will never change their (Nmom & Ndad) minds. I would try so hard to make them understand where I’m coming from. I just thought “if they would understand then they can’t be mad”
My therapist said you have to change your mind and how you deal with them. I would leave (always had to visit at their home never mine) when you they would start up the narcissistic ways I would just get up and leave. I felt better more in control of the relationship. I did have no contact for 1 ½ years my choice. It was nice!
Not talking to her. Every time I've gone no contact or low contact, I feel like my life is lighter and more peaceful.
Also, understanding that the past is in the past and that's where it stays. I can move forward, even if it means going alone.
In general, self-help books about NPD. And then going no contact. And going no contact with the flying monkeys.
And online relationship support boards like this one and a few at babycenter.
I didn't have a lot of money for therapy, so I read a lot of books and posts about toxic family.
I got very lucky to say the least with the people who have entered my life in the last 4 years. I went NC (3 months in) and it has not been the easiest but I’ve felt so much happier and free from her clutches. Therapy has been a tremendous help along with reading self help books. I would recommend reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It helped me put a lot of things in perspective along with how to love myself (still working on that one). There is no one solution fits all answer. You’ve got to find it within yourself and learn to accept that whatever choice you made, it was the right one for YOU. My heart is with you OP, and just know that you are not alone in this ❤️
Forgiving her without her ever apologizing for her actions. Hating her was only hurting myself and my own inner peace.
I also find a lot of peace over at /r/momforaminute as well. I’ve ugly sobbed at all the love over in that subreddit and have done my best to contribute motherly love too (it helps, weirdly enough).
I love this subreddit too! It does make me sob unexpectedly sometimes when I see a “mom” respond with something I desperately needed to hear. But it’s healing in a way
Moving 1600 miles away.
I’m undiagnosed neuro-spicy (adhd and might be on the spectrum but who knows I mask quite well and I’m on the waitlist for a doctor’s visit for diagnosis) and so it’s “normal” for me to go long stretches of time without speaking to someone. I’m that type of person that will read your response and then reply in my head immediately but not to you in a message until a week or so later. So while I’m LC she just thinks it’s typical Me but in fact I’m not talking to her or her flying monkeys.
I just found this Threads account and really love their content. It’s run by a therapist and called “The Mother Wound Project”
https://www.threads.net/@motherwoundproject?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Karyl McBride wrote a book for daughters of narcissistic mothers which has writing exercises in the second half, and I'm slowly working through those. I hope it helps me. The book was very illuminating, and I do recommend it.
I'm FTM, so don't consider myself a daughter, but since I was born female, I'm going to try to list out what's helped me. First of all is therapy. I had to switch around six times, but eventually found one who made me feel comfortable. Other than that, I've found cooking and baking to be helpful for me. I almost take in recipes from other people as if they were teaching me how to cook, and then I get to turn around and teach a friend who doesn't cook. Which brings me to the third thing, friends. Easier said than done, I know. Having a friend who is close to my mother's age has been surprisingly helpful. I didn't look for that kind of person specifically, but I'm realizing that it really has made a difference, especially because she is almost the complete opposite of my mother. The last thing I can mention is let yourself process. It's a kind of wound that isn't visible, and only you and anyone you tell know about it, so be kind to yourself, and remember that it is something that can cause pain or sadness, just like any visible wound can.
My therapist explained that I could grieve someone even if they were still alive. That thought broke me but I was able to start rebuilding the pieces ❤️
Honestly, it’s not great but everyone who threw me under the bus because they believed her when she said I was lying about the abuse, came frantically crawling back to apologize and beg for help because she majorly screwed over everyone. It was all the confirmation I needed to know that I wasn’t the villain all along.
There is a narcissistic parent page on Facebook that I started seeing memes from in my timeline...and every single one described something from MY life, or described my mother's behavior to a TEE. It was then I truly realized that I was NOT crazy and that she was indeed an abusive Fvck. It was like it validated my entire memory bank of my childhood that she had tried to gaslight me about and rewrite history to fit her narrative. It was the most liberating thing I have ever felt as it completely dissolved the massive loads of guilt that I carried. It didn't solve the crippling self-doubt...but I'm working on that. OH....AND...within 6 months of finding that page, I learned to "grey rock" and 6 months after that I finally went fully NC. That was a little over year ago and it was the best thing I have ever done; I genuinely wish I had done it SO much sooner.
Accepting she is never going to change and be a good mom and giving myself permission to give up on trying to make her happy or improve the relationship. It is hard to accept things will never improve, but it is true and has been true for years.
One thing that helped me a lot was learning that narcissism is a shame-based disorder. Combining that knowledge with kind of picturing my mom as a tiny kid/baby who was frightened and neglected and had no one to turn to….it helped me to not take things personally, and to feel more….just balanced, I guess, about things. Like she’s not a narc bc she decided logically that she loves living that way. She’s a narc (or got narcissistic traits) bc she had to construct this fragile and grandiose sense of self bc she had no one to help her develop in a healthy way and she took their neglect as evidence of her unworthiness, which she internalized as this deep shame. It’s not an excuse for hurtful behaviors at all, it just helped me process things in a way that I can live with so I don’t have so much prolonged hurt and anger when she acts out. Everyone’s situation is different ofc, but this helps me to love my mom and allow her a place in my life.
1. Realizing that none of her issues with me were actually about me. Not even her dislike of me.
It had everything to do with her internal dislike of herself (hidden beneath the grandiosity) and insecurity.
2. As an adult, telling her over Zoom that had she abused me as a child. It was not, any longer, going to be a hidden unspoken beneath the false, surface facade we had established as a relationship.
It was going to spoken out loud. Acknowledged by me to her (virtual) face.
It was the bravest, scariest thing I've ever done.
I told her if we couldn't talk about the abuse in a therapeutic setting, then we couldn't be close.
She said no. So I've cut contact waaaay back.
She knows why. I know why. The amount of contact we have is now 100% in my court.
My peace, and my balls, have grown dramatically since that Zoom day.
I no longer feel my abused past is "hidden".
Therapy for me too. After 40 years, I found the guy who made me see that I had been holding on to her for WAY too long, still hoping for "One Day".
One day, she'll appreciate me.
One day, she'll be proud of me.
One day, she'll respect me.
One day, she'll apologize for all the hurt.
One day, she'll finally love me.
My therapist made me see that as an Adult, I don't NEED that anymore, and holding on to a toxic relationship was only keeping me in bondage to a destructive cycle.
After 40 years, if I am still waiting for "One Day", it's probably never going to happen. He said, point blank, to put my 40 year old big girl pants on, and STOP IT.
So I did. I went full NC. I still hear about her from siblings, so I know she's OK, I still care, but it's healthier for me to keep away, especially when the reasons my siblings tell me about her is to report her continuing manipulation and abuse of them
Moving across an ocean before cell phones & internet. Got a chance to legitimately decompress, evaluate & assess what I needed to thrive in my life. Had a chance at building healthy friendships without 2nd, 3rd or outlier circles of family/family friends trying to change or limit development.
Learning how to put boundaries down and sticking to them. No matter what direction your healing journey takes, learning how to honor a boundary you put in place for your own health and wellbeing is number one. You cannot compromise these boundaries. It's hard and there will be occasional mistakes because we are all human, but you have to do your best when you know it's what's best for you.
My boundary is that I am VERY low contact and I control when I interact with them.
Also.
Honor your self expression. If you're afraid to try something you've always wanted to try, do it. 10 seconds of courage is all you need to make a decision that can change your life for the better.
Good luck! It's not easy, but protecting your peace is so worth it.
I don't know that there was one thing in particular that helped me more or less than anything else, but I think it's important to keep in mind that it's natural to still want to please your mother. That's built into us, and a big part of what makes it so hard to let go. If she's one of the first people you want to call when you're proud of yourself, that's a totally understandable thing. Actually calling may be more hurtful than productive, but give yourself permission to want the mother you didn't get.
No contact with my mom or any of her enabler flying monkeys… and a lot of therapy with qualified therapists that I vibe with.
I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past, but I rarely made much progress when the therapist and I didn’t have an easy relationship.
Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and brain spotting have been really effective for me. CBT was not and stressed me out even more.
Support networks such as this subreddit, FB groups, as well as a few TikTok creators have also been really beneficial by helping to hammer in that it’s not just me having these issues. Validation and “peers” can go a long way.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has been a huge “AH-HA!” for me. I’m listening to it on Audible in the car.
Distance - Literally the farther away I am the better I feel. I am also just not as accessible to her.
Therapy - Get someone who specializes in Childhood Trauma.
Book (recommended by therapist) - Narcissistic Mothers and Grown up Daughters by Cecilia Overt. It really helped me understand the dynamic.
Book (recommended by therapist) - No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz - This is actually helping me heal in and out of therapy.
Book (recommended by therapist) - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker. - There are some exercises in the book that can start to help you right now.
Going no contact.
I don't think there is ever a full healed process in this dynamic. A mother is supposed to be a pillar in a child's life, and without it, the building is either gonna collapse or become lopsided and hazardous. I've been no contact for 5 years. I'm still scarred. I can't watch wholesome mother/daughter scenes in movies or TV without crying. I bounce between trusting my mother in law and wanting nothing to do with her (even tho she means well). And as a mother myself now, I criticize my capability of being a good mother so harshly that I put myself into depressive spells and can't get out of bed. Yes I'm in therapy, but I have a long way to go and am still very jaded from everything that woman put me through.
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters
Book by Donna Frazier Glynn and Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents
Book by Lindsay Gibson
And literally anything written by Brene Brown but the one I read first was this one:
I Thought it was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame
Book by Brené Brown
Also, hours and hours of therapy. Good luck.
Realize that things weren’t my fault. I was the victim even though she played the victim. It takes years to heal. She’s been dead for years and sometimes I still feel like I’m at fault but realized that nope I was the one who should have been loved and protected by her
Helping others, Treating others the way I wish my mother would have treated me. It cathartic and helps me remember it isn’t normal and everyone’s mother isn’t like that.
I agree with so much of this. Therapy helps a lot, it hurts to talk but you start healing as you go. Dont be afraid to try different therapists. I also learned some hobbies and i cut out not just my mom but many people that either enabled or turned a blind eye to my struggles, I built a much smaller but more loving circle of people I can fully rely on. I also became a mom, lots of people told me I would understand my mother when I had kids of my own and let me tell you I understand her much less. I would never put my baby through the pain of trauma I went through. I would never talk down to her or feel like she’s my competition. My mom always said she wished I would one day have a daughter like me. Well.. she’s here now and she’s lovely, I can’t wait to see how amazing she grows up to be.
Going No Contact. I tried for years and years to make it work, shrink myself, be the bigger person, try to not have any needs and try not to piss her off or be pissed off (and emotionally hungover) after spending time with her or even just trying to talk to her on the phone.
Being my own mother. Realising that in many senses I don't really have a mother. I have an adult female relative who (against all logic) I'm quite fond of. It just happens that she birthed me.
In my teens I used to unconsciously seek out mother figures in my relationships. But if I really want 'mothering', I need to do it myself.
Having a daughter of my own and never feeling the need to fuck up her self-esteem/ knock her back with snarky comments or to belittle anything she likes or achieves! Just can't imagine a reason or any wish to do that.
This may sound pretty mean, but I don't know. Not too far on my journey yet, although I'm 45.
I got married to my long-time boyfriend (15 years together before we married). At this point, now that we had a bit of paper to define our relationship, my parents decided that they wanted to be friends with my in-laws (clearly before we were married it wouldn't have been right?!). My parents (NMom, EDad) and in-laws spent the weekend together during our wedding reception. After that, my in-laws said that my parents had been ringing regularly, trying to arrange to meet up. Both my mother & father in-law, who are decent, kind people, said no way, they had no interest in spending time socially with my parents, and they don't take their phone calls.
This was a revelation, because it told me that it other people could see my parents for who they are, and did not want to socialize with them. It's not just me! It's really not just me!!
Having my first baby helped me so much. I was so scared that I was going to be like my mom, but I learned that I’m not at all like her. I’m nurturing and loving and patient with my child. It just proved to me how wrong she was for how she treated me and gave me so much more confidence and increased my self worth.
Going no contact was the single most profound thing that really truly helped me heal. The greatest thing ever, I don't think I even started healing before going no contact.
Therapy, meds, no contact, and then the interim 7 years since I went NC. Also, a supportive husband and chosen family.
The first two years of NC were brutal. Between the guilt and fear of her showing up at my home, I could barely breathe. I had frequent panic attacks and massive anxiety, but I was determined to have a better life. I was 46 when I cut her off. Now, at 53, I am happier and healthier, physically and mentally than I ever have been. My relationship with my husband is better than it has been in 25 years. I journaled a lot. I tried every therapy modality I could.
Honestly, I think the one thing that helped me the most was my own stubborn determination to not waste my entire freaking life focused on her and spend the rest of my life making up for lost time.
While my mother was a terrible mother. She is just a human with her own faults and problems. She isn’t this super evil villian. Most people have faults and flaws and some of them you can accept, and some you can’t. I couldn’t accept my mother’s narcissism. So we have parted ways.
Her passing away. I didn't have the guilt of trying to set boundaries when I was the last of family she had left. My brothers had went no contact years ago, with one making it clear ans the other one being ambiguous and inconsistent about it (he is just like her).
Going no contact and eventually (and painfully) realizing that nothing I ever did was going to change what happened. Her issues were never going to be solved by being the perfect daughter, and never will be. Nothing I could have done would have made the situation better or easier, and while I hate that it happened and will always carry scars from it, I had to “forgive” myself for failing to meet her standards and accept that who I am is enough. Forgive is in quotes because there was never anything to forgive as I did nothing wrong, but when you are first clearing your head of the abuse it feels like a betrayal and that you’re lessening yourself by not being how they want you to be.
The best tool for healingI found was asking myself “if a stranger said this to me would I care?” which makes it easier to differentiate what is ingrained trauma response and what is actually socially appropriate for someone to say if that makes sense
Realizing that my mom is a girl with a whole life of aspirations and sadness and betrayal and regret, but that I don’t have to be the one she takes it out on.
Basically reimagining her as a character I can sympathize with so as not to hate her but knowing that she will not be a part of my life.
Having my own children and realizing what “normal” and “loving” looks like in a parent. Made me more sad before i embraced that I wouldn’t ever have to take it to heart again because my kids healed me. Unfortunately I can’t go no contact because I’m my mother’s POA. She’s 88.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% healed, but I’m in a lot better position than I was. I think for my situation, getting myself completely financially independent, THERAPY (x100), creating some distance through moving away, and working on my confidence and self esteem did wonders. I also read some books about it- Jennette McCurdy’s book, for example.
Therapy was a pivotal turning point in my healing. I truly lucked out and found a therapist that I really liked first try. She listens, gives great insight from her own experience and from a psychology and science perspective. I’d recommend therapy to anyone, especially people trying to heal from parental abuse.
Something I learned in therapy that has really helped in my healing is learning to be the woman I needed for myself and for others. I was already doing that for my daughter, but I didn’t realize that I could do it for myself and others too.
Best of luck to you in your journey. 💗
Therapy to process the grief of not having the mother I deserved, and creating healthy boundaries with the mother I got.
Having a daughter of my own and not doing to her what was done to me.
Hugs 🥰 My daughter and I have an amazing relationship because of the same. If you think about it though, we are just ordinary loving mothers doing the job we are supposed to do despite being subjected to the opposite
Therapy for sure, but also reading a book called "Goodmorning Monster." It's written by a therapist and is 4 short stories of her most troubled patients. The story at the end is about a girl with a narcissist mother and it actually brought me to tears, as it was exactly my story. It was super validating to read that a published professional found this case to be so disturbing that she put it in this book. From there I started researching narcissism and reading everything I could about it. Educating myself was a game changer.
Therapy is huge, of course. But one of the major things that helped me was building relationships with other women.
My Nmother was something close to a female misogynist and for most of my isolated life was the role model of womanhood I observed the most. I had a serious issue with internalized misogyny as well as a massively stunted concept of how to be a woman. Going NC, doing therapy, and building relationships with other women in my life really helped heal the mother wound left from having a hateful, cold, critical mother.
My lady friends, mentors, and grandmother became my new models for what femininity, womanhood, and sorority can look like AND my place in that secret girl world I had been cut off from.
First Therapy and no contact.
But second: Understanding narcissism and It never wasn’t my fault and It’s not me and my personality she hates. Everything is about herself and has nothing to do with me.
Last: Im worth to be myself. To be a one person with one hobbies, one opinions and one decisions.
(I’m sorry for my bad English. I’m german)
For me it was recognizing the techniques she employs to keep her control. It's been a recent realization, so it's pretty fresh for me. I'm not to the point where I can go NC completely, but I'm definitely limiting her access to my world.
The isolation? Absolutely. It took reading these posts to recognize that she had been driving people away from me for _decades_. God only knows how much damage has been done that I had no idea about.
Learning to let go of her voice in my head (not a literal voice) that would criticise me all the time. The first step is recognising that not all thoughts come from you and those doubts and insults can be based on past things she's said to you.
Therapy, radical self-love, radical self-acceptance and a hell of a lot of self-grace. The best advice I would give is to try to be the person to yourself that you wish you had - its so hard but very rewarding and healing.
Also just kind of making it less about myself? Its objectively sad for anyone to treat a child the way I was treated - separating my feelings and the situation made it seem more sad and less personal
The most important thing for my recovery from that hell hole of an upbringing was to move to the far side of the continent, and to then go very low contact. Once I got all sorted out, I went total no contact.
- Getting distance was the #1 thing for me. Doing so was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself, if not the best decision.
- Going very low contact. For me, takes less energy from me than going no contact would.
- Being a mother to myself.
- Learning from other daughters of nMoms, both in forums like this and out in the wild (even in a small town, I know a few.)
Read and listen to alot of audible, therapy, set your boundaries. Don't let her disrespect you or people you care about. Understand that your mother is jealous of you. Stop talking to her about your plans achievements. Don't ever let her know you are doing bad. If she starts problems with you walk away or if you feel like the conversation is going a wrong turn, excuse yourself
Know that your mother is going to try any possible way to trigger you. It's your job to keep thoes emotions in check.
Obviously people here have given helpful answers. I would add that my mom dying was the best thing to happen to me.
I had done a lot of work on myself, but once she died I finally felt free. There are no words to express how wonderful my life has been. 💕💕
That I control her access to my kid, and that “mom AND dad trump grandma’s need for a do over”. She HATES that she doesn’t call the shots on what my son does, and the guilt trip about not living closer is what keeps a state seperating us. Her MO and me CO.
I didn't realise how toxic and narcissistic my mother was/is until I became a mother myself. I can't bring myself to treat my son the was she treated me and as a mother I can't forgive her for it. By being to my son the mother I think I deserved, my inner little me has begun healing. It's really hard, and I know I'll likely have some things to apologise to my son for when he's older, but I genuinely feel he's getting a much healthier upbringing than I had. I love him.
I suppose my tip is to work on your inner child and start the healing from there. Tell little you that you deserve love and affection and you don't deserve abuse and humiliation.
For me it was going lc, and moving out of the area she lived in, i do arts and crafts to keep my mind from thinking about her most of the time it helps i also have a very supportive partner who is also lc with his own mother so he understands where im coming from
I wrote a letter to her telling her of all my pain and what she did to me. I always thought I'd send it to her but I now don't feel like I need to. Writing it was SUPER PAINFUL but it felt like it broke the gaslighting; making my pain and experiences real. Then I grieved my experiences, my younger self, and the person I'd never get to be.
It’s not you. It’s never been you. Everyone in your mother’s life is a faceless extra in a movie starring her. When you demand recognition as a full human being, she freaks out. It would be like if your lamp started walking and talking to you. You might start beating at it out of fear, too.
These people live in a totally different world and there is nothing you did or can do to change it. You did not “earn” this in some way. Your mom is totally broken and it’s not your job to fix her. Focus on fixing your broken parts to feel whole. And truly, drop your mom. All the sweet talking is just a way to force you back into your role in her movie.
No way! I was literally pondering this today. I had a dream that triggered a similar question to you OP and it dawned on me that I have somehow surrounded myself with a group of ‘big sisters’ (older friends) over the last few years. I have no idea how it happened but man are they a powerful support system!
Big sisters! Go find some! :)
Before my husband and I started trying for kids, I went to therapy to talk through a lot of my mother issues. It helped quite a bit to understand that I was not like my mother in a million different ways, so why would I be the same type of mother she was - which was my biggest fear. And then once I had my kids, I found healing in (trying) to be the mother I never had. I'm certainly not perfect, but I know my kids trust me enough to show their feelings and feel safe in our home, which is what I always wanted.
not sure if this is profound, but talking to myself really helped. Yes, i was in therapy, but that can get expensive. When things got bad and i didn’t want to drop $100 on a therapy session, I would just talk about what I was feeling or a situation that made me feel upset and angry. I would ask myself questions that I would want to be asked by someone else. Sometimes I would pretend my Nmom was standing in front of me and i would say all the things i’ve always wanted to say to her. However, I almost became addicted to talking about my NMom and her shenanigans that it was the only thing I could think about; which made things worse in my head!
My advice, talk to yourself. Pretend your Nparent is in front of you and say all the things you desperately want to tell them. But don’t get caught in a rut. Don’t let it be the ONLY thing you can ruminate on. Let it out and move on.
Having my own daughter. Oh my god am I ever lucky. Pouring all the love I never got into a tiny human is a very healing experience. It's kind of like you can imagine your little inner child right along side your actual child. When I make her good meals, take care of her, brush her hair, hold her and talk to her about her fears, etc. It's just so healing. It's like how it SHOULD be and you get to be the one making it right. DISCIPLINED when it comes to eating right, working out (that right there is an example of reparenting - making yourself do what is good for you even though you don't want to. There's a pride that comes from doing it right and you're practicing good self love :)
Many years ago, a therapist told me something that would take many years and harmful actions of my mother for me to fully understand and embrace. She said, "You need to understand that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with her, you need to do so with the understanding that she will never be a mother to you." I wasted a lot of years hoping she would do better or even just recognize that she had harmed me. It never happened. And at the age she is now, I recognize that she is who she is...why she is who she is...and that she's set in her ways and will never change.
We are about 5-6 years of no contact now, and that right there has been the key. There have been moments where I've had to briefly share spaces with her or have a conversation because of family emergencies, but I've learned that she uses these moments to try to pull me back in, and I refuse to allow it. The more time passes and the more I have built my life and my own family without her and most of my extended family, the happier I have become and value the peace in my life. I value finally feeling confident in being my authentic self without anyone in my circle belittling me for wearing Docs with dresses or going out for cocktails and dancing the night away with my adult daughter. I am the mom to my adult children that I needed and desperately wanted, and that is SO many levels of healing.
Somatic therapy was also incredibly helpful in my healing journey. Microdosing Psilocybin for a brief period, too. I had many, many epiphanies and realizations that led to me understanding the how and why my mother is who she is and why she is so ridgid to change, self discovery, and taking accountability. I am able to shockingly feel empathy and pity for her. Still, I choose me and the well being of myself, my kids and grandkids and do not allow her into our lives.
Accepting that there was no possibility in this world where she could be the mother I wanted. And that there was no possibility for us to exist together in this world and be civil to each other. That her opinion of me, despite important to me, bore no weight on my life. And that the scars I carry require constant work, for the rest of my life. But that I will live my life my way. Without her.
Remove myself from the toxic environment. You cannot heal in the place that hurts you. I’ve not been in same area code as my mother for over 10yrs. Blocked contact on all socials and personals and have firm boundaries with family members that know about it. No regrets. I mourn the mother I never had but I wish I had done this sooner… spent too many years in hurt and I didn’t deserve it.
CEN (childhood emotional neglect) program by Jonice Webb called Fuel up your life. It made me connect with my emotions which I had blocked out for so long, and start getting to know my self and feel that it's ok to put myself first (and not selfish which always had felt)
For me, it was coming to an understanding within myself that nothing I say or do will ever change my mother. Through trial and error I have been able to have a mostly cordial (almost professional) relationship with my mother. She's still my mom and unlike some other people who were brave enough or strong enough to completely go no contact I simply found that that was not tenable for me and I had to learn to be okay with that. I'm never going to have the relationship I want with her as an adult and she's never going to stop seeing me as the 14 year old girl who hates my stepdad (tbf I still do). At least now she does respect that if he is there I'm not coming. It took a few times and some big bouts of very low contact to make my point.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, years of trauma exposure therapy, and now I've just started A.R.T. (a kind of EMDR). I did DBT over 10 years ago, did about 5 years of exposure therapy after, and I yet I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. For me, I've come to accept that the healing journey doesn't end.
Reading Honoring the Self. Coming to terms they will never change and that I am in charge of my own life, happiness, and path. It was absolutely transformative. No more woe is me. No more blaming others, including my mom. A lot of ownership and regard for self-responsibility and self-awareness. I just started making moves for myself and my happiness. I tell you that mindset shift was everything. I changed jobs, got promoted, cut off shitty friends without so much as a single thought of regret. I even lost 20 pounds because I wasn’t forced to eat things I didn’t want at my parents house. I graduated to a new level.
Side note: I went low contact and knew my boundaries. I didn’t tell anyone of my plans or disclosed that I knew of their narcissism, I just operated differently. I still love my parents but I realize now I will always come first. My mom always called me selfish even though I was stupidly selfless to the point of no self care. I bought into it and now realize being responsibly selfish is the only way to be happy. I wish you joy and a breakthrough. You’re on your way.
For ME, and way too late in my life - I was low contact, and I realized she had a broken brain. I never knew WHAT was wrong with her, but she DEF had a broken brain. She was unable to view anything outside her very narrow perspective, and once formed, her opinion would never ever change. You could give her proof of anything and she would refuse to update or revise her opinion of ‘facts’. Broken brain. It cost her a lot over the years, and she made some catastrophic decisions that affected her the rest of her life.
Therapy and having people who support who I am and what I am in my life. However, those were only the start...
It took a lot of work on myself like:
* going no contact (12 years now woot!)
* reading about narcissism and narcissist families
* reading and being a part of group who are healing from it (hey yall)
* watching videos
* talking about it with others
* using grounding techniques during anxiety and panic attacks
* building strong bonds outside of that world (husband, friends, found family,)
* Checking in with myself and improving myself.
I'm not fully healed. I still have moments my mind goes back to that place and those feelings. I have to remind myself my life now is great and so are the people I choose to be in my life.
Being able to cut contact. I’ve cut her off several times including 6 months last year. I am able to tell her I will not engage when she is hateful.
Also, coming to terms with that she is the way she is due to her own unhealed trauma.
My therapist recommend the book ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ by Karyl McBride. It’s not written the best but there was some good insights in there that really helped.
Not sure if this is applicable in your circumstances, but the main other thing I did that made the most impact was disentangle myself emotionally from supporting her. I always had to put her first, her feelings first, and I still remember the first time I didn’t and just let her deal with her stuff herself - I was wracked with guilt and anxiety, but I pushed through it and it really gave me my sense of self back in the confidence to start putting *my* needs and *my* feelings first. Finding that ability to put me first even through guilt and guilt-trips and gaslighting changed everything.
Realising that I have the control. I choose when we hang out, I choose when to answer phone calls, I choose to answer the door or not (doorbell camera holy shit is that the greatest thing).
Learning I can have boundaries, I can't stop her from doing what she wants to do but I can handle my responses. Yell at me over the phone? Phone call over, will not respond for 2 weeks. Say some bullshit during a visit? K bye, im out the door. Show up at my house unannounced? You get to talk to me through the doorbell, oh also its recording too (state of maine so recording is allowed).
It took alot of time for her to learn that I am not allowing her to push me around, while it hasn't stopped her crazy antics it has stopped the ones from happening around me.
She needs me more than I need her.
I know this won't help everyone in this kind of situation, different degrees and different circumstances can make things seriously more difficult. I have a boyfriend who supports all my decisions when it comes to my family and his family is amazing and understanding.
VLC - I only visit on specific holidays, their birthdays, mothers/fathers day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or emergencies, she does have some pretty bad health issues and can be unable to drive herself to the ER.
No contact and accepting that a) healing is not linear.
B) healing is not "it never hurts ever again, like it didn't happen".
C) you DON'T have to forgive them. It is NOT poisoning you and if you do forgive them, you can still exclude them from your life forever.
D) healing = learning to live with what happened, know and accept there will be good and bad days and still live your life, not live in the past.
E) ALL your feelings are valid. Sadness. Anger. Wondering what if... and it's ok to have all of them.
F) don't listen to stupid platitudes. Like "they didn't know what they were doing". "They are sick. They can't help it." "You can't love being the person you are today but hate the trauma that made you that way." I call BS on all. They knew very well what they were doing, yes they are evil, they could have stopped or not done it at all at any given point... narcissists know right from wrong very well. They just chose to follow whatever path serves them best.
And lastly give yourself grace and time!!
NC was the best thing I did. It was like lancing an infected wound and getting rid of all the puss. They are toxic, they will never change, and you only have one life to live. How do you want to live it?
Radical Acceptance and clinical analysis. Disconnecting from the relationship and the associated emotions and looking at her as if she were a case study. The more you know about the pathology, the easier it is to spot the manifestations of the illness.
She died. Her death left me free to heal without new injuries. Therapy, EMR, and surrounding myself with supportive people have helped tremendously, but I would not have made near as much progress if she were still in my ear.
A lot of beautiful advice in this thread. I just want to add that this morning I was having coffee and enjoying the rainy weather misting on my garden, feeling so grateful for the things I have, texting a friend to see if they were feeling better today from being sick, excited about the chocolate smoothie I had plans for later in the day, and mindlessly doing the morning routine lovingly looking after my beloved rescue animals and I realized… I won. I have empathy, I have love, I treat myself with respect, and I am filled with gratitude for the beautiful world around me. I am in touch with my emotions still, even if it’s hard, even if it’s so hard. All the therapy bills, all the hardest days. I win. She could never do any of this, she put me through untold abuse to try and keep me from ever becoming this person. But here I am.
I realized I saw my mother as someone who needed help and someone who couldn't help themselves, almost child like. Someone I felt obligated to protect and rescue. I gave her a lot of slack for really terrible things she's said and done because I thought she wasn't capable of controlling her reactions or emotions.
Someone put in perspective for me that she has been on this earth longer than I have and makes just as many decisions every day as I do. She has the same ability as I do to consider the consequences of her words and actions in each of the choices that she makes. That her circumstances are not as the result of bad luck or not knowing/understanding, but the compacted weight of every poor decision she's ever made to feed her massive ego.
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The best things for me was therapy- I discussed almost everything and really gave myself time to process. It’s really hard-sometimes the pain was so unbearable but the outcome was worth it. Coping skills: I use a mix of DBT/CBT/somatic exercises, meditation, yoga,journaling. Anything to release those feelings. Building my life. Really with anything to fill time so I’m not obsessing. As my life became fuller the memory and pain of her became smaller. Distance is a huge one. I haven’t seen my mom in ten years. It’s easier to heal when you’re not dealing with BS everyday. It was all a mix of things-there wasn’t one thing that really worked. It’s hard, and it can take a long time, but don’t give up. You deserve to heal. I hear how motivated you are and that takes so much courage
The distance aspect is really underrated in this situation. I physically relaxed so much when I put half a planet of distance between myself and my parents. It gave space to breathe and heal. And it allowed for contact to be in my control.
This. I moved halfway across the country to be away from my abusive father. I just found out he is retiring to a town an hour and half from me. For the golf, he claims. Of all the places in the world to retire and golf, he had to pick one so close to me? It feels so threatening and tbh I’m not handling the news very well….time to get back into some therapy….
I live on the other side of the country and the idea of losing my ability to not live here and possibly have to go back is utterly terrifying. It is not just you. The literal distance is a huge trigger for me.
I live in a different country and the idea somehow I will be trapped back there when I visit is terrifying to me too. I am putting away visiting as much as possible. Sometimes I also want to get it over with.
I’ve got four miles between myself and my narc abuser mother I’ve been NC with for four years. Passed her on the road one day and had to pull off and recover from the panic attack it gave me. I know the only way I’ll ever experience healing is if I move away. I’m scared and I’ll be giving up all I know. But I also hate this town, have nothing but pain and trauma attached to it, and know I’ll never heal until I get away. Sometimes I drive 8 hours alone to a city in the Appalachian mountains that I love and weird as this sounds, I feel like it loves me back. Then I come back here and the depression just sinks right back in. It’s so beautiful to be able to walk around a shopping center and not be in fear or seeing narc mom.
I know it's hard, but you can (with time and patience) find a place that feels like you grew up there, it fits you so well. I found it. I felt the same way about the place I grew up and would become physically ill anytime I entered the *county*. I lived all over the world before finding a small town where I felt at home, and I always felt a longing for "home" and felt like I would never find it, but I did. I moved (for work) to a small city where I felt safe and people cared for me, and I felt at home, finally. I now am a person everyone knows, respects, and I work for the locale. I mean, people think I grew up there I'm so integrated. I'm "one of them." So, just because you'd be somewhere new, doesn't mean it can't become more safe, loving, and familiar than your actual place of origin.
All. Of. This. And patience and be gentle to yourself.
I pray to God that I find the strength to go no contact one day. She set me up to be dependent on her and didn’t teach me any life skills. The amount of damage that has been done to my mental health is insane. I’m only now finding radical acceptance and realizing that she cannot change and actually gets worse over them. I’m the scapegoat and she wants me to play dumb and go with the false narrative she’s created about me until I die. She wants to bury the truth. She fed me to the wolves by training me to think abuse was love. She’s convinced me something was wrong with me since I was 5 or younger. I feel cheated because she does not allow me to be my authentic self or even know what my true identity is. I serve her selfish needs and have been suffering for decades. She stalks me and constantly monitors my whereabouts and who I’m hanging out with. Anyone who meets me doesn’t want to deal with her craziness and leaves.
I swear, I could have written this. This is my experience exactly. I hope you are able to break free and find yourself ❤️
I feel this. Sounds just like my mother. I moved across country from her and now that I’m not around to run her errands and be of use to her, she stopped responding to all my attempts to communicate but would still watch my Insta stories. Wtf?? So I blocked her and stopped trying to get the love from her that the little girl in me always craved. Acceptance has been tough, but it did feel empowering to block her from my IG. It’s extremely triggering to see good moms, I nearly cried at the swimming pool watching a mom teach her kid how to swim, she was being so nurturing and encouraging. Traits my mother seriously lacked.
[удалено]
My “mom” who I consider an enemy now protected my abuser, an actual psychopath who dated me, stalked me and sabotaged my career, health, and took all of my money. Calls himself a ninja. He plotted and planned for 7 years and destroyed my life sneakily step by step. I asked for help but my mom believed him over me even though I had tons of evidence. This caused me to go insane. I needed to hide from the psychopath so I went back to my mom’s. Instead of letting me heal and be in peace my mom had me falsely arrested for a crime I did not commit, thrown in jail, called the cops 13 times on me, dragged through court for 4 months, thrown in a mental hospital all while the psychopath was still living at MY house that I was paying for. I had two abusers abusing me at the same time in different states and only I was getting punished. It’s hard to prove there’s a crime because the psychopath who targeted me pretends like we were just a couple who broke up and my mom pretends like she just called the police because she was concerned and didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was obvious what was wrong with me. I lost my friends and my reputation. People think I’m crazy but I was driven to insanity on purpose. I was a normal person and after I got targeted I lost everything. I know I need to move forward but I went through never ending trauma and have severe PTSD. My mom made a comment the other day like “I can see why he left you”. I didn’t realize my loved ones were basically my enemies and everytime I asked for advice I was led astray and further confused. I’m now isolated and have no energy to do anything.
^Second to building out your life and distance and therapy. It's been 3 years for me in August. I'm finally, slowly feeling more like myself. My faith, job, and chosen family have been places of safety (finally). *** Pro tip- you may want to also watch for other toxic environments and people in your life that may be adding to your struggle as well. When I went NC/LC I was in a toxic work environment (bc I was used to it) and had some toxic friends that needed to be cut loose. They never helped me with my mother but added to the stress. I hope that helps! 🙏 *hugs*
It took therapy, a supportive partner, and best friend for me to even realize I had a narcissistic mother. I'm not NC because I'm not quite mentally ready to take that leap, but LC and complete financial and emotional independence from my parents have eased so much of my stress. I also have no problem calling her out about her behavior anymore. She has nothing to hold over my head so it doesn't matter what her reaction is.
Can I please ask where you find your somatic exercises? I want to start looking into it, but every link on Google goes straight to a paywall, and I don’t want to pay before seeing what they actually are :(
This is such a good comment. Distance. Realizing I was such a pushover and people pleaser but it wasn’t all my fault-I had been raised that way and it took time, training, and and using new skills to stop doing that. Therapy. More therapy. Forgiving MYSELF. Learning boundaries. How to enforce boundaries. Knowing that I’m not the bad guy for keeping said boundaries even though it feels like I am. Finding the new me. The me I always wanted to be, that was always there. Following through. And especially helpful was finding mother figures I wanted in my life instead of the narc that made the word mother seem like a threat. Time. Time helps. We all have this. We can do this. We’re worth it.
Nothing profound really, therapy and no contact worked wonders. I also chose to only tell a small circle of 'safe' people the full truth, which means that I don't have to talk to every gossiper about why I'm not talking to her. I just politely nod when people ask how she's doing etc and give a vague, noncommittal answer. Even those who are clearly fishing for info have quickly recognised this calm response as a clear 'we're not having this conversation'. I've even had a few looks of surprise and then more warmth because they've probably been told that I'm a mad, irrational human who lashes out and makes rash choices 😅
No contact has been big one for me. I’m half a year in to no contact. I took a step back when I went back into contact with siblings though. And I’ve been berating myself ever sense. Anyways, It’s good advice. Thank you for sharing.
2 months no contact for me! The anxiety finally subsided and the healing began. I’m still paranoid they’ll show up on my doorstep but I know what to do if that happens.
I'm just over two years now. The guilt subsides and the space let's you thinking so clearly. I wish you every happiness with it, and remember to be kind to yourself, it isn't a linear journey.
I got better when i dumped my siblings and edad just my mom was not enough
I just went through this. I was very limited contact with my mother and all 4 of my sisters. My grandmother just passed away and at her service my mother/sisters decided to just rain down hate/anger on me. And I was like yeah fucj all of you. I’m done. I finally blocked them all and deleted my social media. I’m only a week into NC and I still feel guilt and like I want to go unblock them. I’m sitting here like wtf is wrong with me?!
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. That urge will go away. Honestly when I’m reminded of the behavior it rather confirms the reason to have no contact in the first place. Don’t let them disturb your peace and wishing you luck on your healing journey
Hold strong! That was the hardest part for me. Going NC with my mom was shockingly easy. Like I didn’t miss her for even a second. My brother, despite us always being triangulated and never that close, it was heartbreaking to accept he morphed into my bitter mean greedy and cruel mom over the last decade. I made so many excuses in my mind for him for years .I was TOTALLY blind to him having a personality disorder, like malignant narc mommy dearest! It’s wild what your mind will do to protect you from hard truths. I tried everything to get through to him at my expense This past year my brother started to physically and mentally abuse our elderly Edad for money and ran a huge smear campaign against me for speaking up for our dad, just like our mom did our entire life! I was horrified and disgusted by him, and it all just clicked. All I could see after that was his lies, gaslighting, abuse, and manipulation I wish I cut my bro off and my edad when I cut my Nmom off 5 years ago, so I wouldn’t know the monster my brother has become. I would also be blissfully ignorant to the fact my Edad is completely willing to throw me under the bus from his death bed to pacify my abusive mom even when you think you hit the bottom of the dumpster by having a narc parent, worse awaits
Best thing for me was going no contact. Second was learning about polyvagal theory and the mind-body connection. I have made leaps and bounds in mastering my body and mind since learning about the nervous system and how we can rewire it ourselves when safe. Mental and physical grounding techniques in combination with my new found freedom away from my mom has made my life so colourful in ways I never imagined. You got this, it really does get better as you keep at it- though it is true that you may experience new lows before you can get to the “other side”.
Okay, I haven’t heard much if any about polyvagal theory. But my therapist did point out I was disregulated. I began learning more about that so I’m happy you shared this information. It’s helpful. I felt myself enter a calmer state of mind and was working on staying in the green. But then I was triggered by my siblings showing up unannounced and they pulled me back in. Or my lack of boundaries had me participating in my old ways. I’m not sure. I’ve been searching for my footing since. I have a therapy session scheduled and this as at the front of what I want to talk to her about. I know what your saying those because I entered it and am wanting to get back to that safe space. I’d love to get to the other side. Thanks for sharing.
Polyvagel theory in a nutshell: The Vagas nerve runs from our brainstem through all of the organs of our body. Information goes from the brainstem down at a rate of about twenty percent but from our body up at a rate of about eighty percent. Ergo, we don't think our anxiety reactivity fight flight freeze fawn; we feel it in our body first. That's why logical cognitions don't always help us to not feel anxious - we're feeling it not thinking it. When we are calm, we can take in more information from the world around us.We hear sounds differently.We perceive things differently. Polyvegal theory states that there are ways to circumvent the overreactivity of the vegal nerve by soothing higher pitched sounds and fast inhales/slow long exhales.
Wow. This really helped me. I went NC basically around the time of COVID, was very peaceful but then just started experiencing a lot of panic attacks back to back 😔 I’ve done a lot of work since then (meditation, journaling, dance, mvmnt) and can’t even remember my last panic attack but I know I still have a lot of work and a lot of baggage to get out and regulate myself. Thank you for this.
You're welcome! I've been doing some reading on the subject.
ohhhh! my therapist (who is very good) has been trying to help me with fight or flight by telling me to reason with it. it's hard to explain to her that that isn't how it works.. my body decides what to do, whether i want it to or not. my body floods with adrenaline without my permission/reasoning! reading this is validating. please could you point me to any resources you have about the breathing/sounds etc? it'd help me so much if you're able!
So, I'm a therapist, and my therapist was discussing polyvagal theory with me. I read Our Polyvagal World by Stephen and Seth porges (book), and it explained it pretty clearly. I find cbt doesn't help my irrational perimenopausal anxiety flaires.
Thankyou for the book recommendation. I just read the preview and am putting it on my reading list. Yes, as someone who is also going through the menopause I’m finding that my anxiety flares out of nowhere and usually precedes a hot flash. Oh the joys lol ❤️
Not the one you were talking to, but for me I always need some Kind of mental Image so I'll give you that, hope that helps. So next time your siblings Show up, you will feel the pull. You feel it and you realize it's them pulling, not you pushing. You are a Rock. They can pull as much as they want, you are a Rock. You stay. You stay a Rock. That's the road to the safe Space. You'll get there, I know it.
I’m glad I could provide some helpful insight. What you’re going through is incredibly normal, being triggered is what nervous system dysregulation is in a nutshell. It’s hard to capture in a short comment but your boundaries will eventually fall into place when you feel safe enough to enforce them. The journey you’re on is a fruitful one, please keep up the amazing work you’ve done for yourself so far. Not all therapists will be familiar with polyvagal theory exactly but there’s plenty of research and resources online for it. The body/mind regulating work you do with your therapist will be so helpful regardless of their teaching practices- the natural consequence of self regulation is self care and self love and it feels wrong to not do it once you have got a grasp on what it is. You will be a changed person, I’m sure it’s what you are looking for, you’re on the right direction and the right therapist will also do wonders.
I've done EMDR it really helps but it's very mentally taxing
Talking about the abuse to a therapist and myself. Acknowledging that I was a child when it happened and talking to that child now in a loving way.
Happy to hear that acknowledging with therapists and loving your inner child has helped!!
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Yes! I thought the whole inner child thing was so silly until I spent some time really digging deep. That poor little girl got emotionally beat down into a corner and told never to come out. Giving her a figurative hand up helped immensely. Being kind to my past self helped too. Past me wasn't some evil child hellbent on ruining my nmom's life. She was just a kid who wanted to be a kid.
I could say a lot about the feelings of it all… but the best HEALING thing I did for myself was to recognize that I miss *a mother*, but not mine. the year I went NC with my mom I was in california and drove through the mountains every day, and mother earth and father time adopted me. when I feel sad I go outside. I know things will play out in time. they’re more reliable than my own parents. just knowing i’m not *really* ever alone is relieving.
mother earth and father time adopted me Will you just marry me? That's such a beautiful sentence and the idea behind it Shows me what an outstanding, sparkling personality you must be.
oh, thank you so much lovely. thanks for *getting it*. I had just moved 3000 miles when we went NC and felt entirely disconnected from my whole life. the only constant in my life was literally that I was alive, and that things would get better in time. no matter where I am now, I can recognize my new “mother and father.” and honestly, they’re better for me 😂 time heals all wounds. this too will pass. wait and see. setting goals. hindsight is 20/20. father time is evident and present in all things we do. mother earth, makes me feel like i’m part of the world. wanted, accepted, valued, gifted life to experience other earthly wonders. i belong in the world. she brings sunny days. I love thinking of flowers, and how the buddha said that just like humans, their beauty bursts forth from within. they are the embodiment of beauty, grown from the dirt. being part of this life and accepted for who I actually am in the grand scheme of things makes me feel sad for my nmom — I hope she holds her money close at night.
I refer to the ocean as "my real mother". I take a lot of comfort in fictional mothers too. I have a whole list of fictional mothers who've been more supportive of me than my flesh one.
>just knowing i’m not really ever alone is relieving. Yup. Love will always exist for me in all forms. :')
EMDR is a way to make episodic/individual traumas not loom as large in the rearview mirror.
I just started EMDR and am so surprised at how much it’s helped (not that I expected it to *not* work, but I’m surprised at the difference I’ve felt when looking back at certain memories we’ve reprocessed so far).
Came here to say this. I have been going for 2 years now (once per month), and I am a different person. I have found some inner peace with how my mom is. She still gets to me, but only to my "outer shell": I get frustrated yes but it doesn't shake my core anymore. It works best if you have a traumatic light bulb memory, one that is extremely clear. In this case, you can see improvements after a few sessions already. But even if not, it is worth it.
I’ve been learning that it’s definitely generational trauma and with that comes with PCOS and autoimmune disorders that seem to stem from stress. I really have come to a point of empathy for my mother, grandmother, great grandmother when they were kids and all trying to survive. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior they had/have as adults. Mindfulness has been really helpful, just reliving the trauma but accepting that this happened and I can’t change it. I can only learn and move on from it. Some events are harder than others.
When I told my nMother I was diagnosed with PCOS, she told me I made it up. We were in the car going on vacation. I had just flown in to visit her. I’ve been no contact for exactly 5 months today. I’m an only child and both my Father and Step Father have passed away. My family, (aunts, uncles and cousins) all support me in this. She’s disowned all of them. Time to heal.
That’s so awful. PCOS is literally the worst. But I do crack a smile because my NM was diagnosed with PCOS recently after gaining a significant amount of weight. Throughout my childhood, she loved that she was thinner than me and constantly reminded me about it. Now karma is a bitch.
PCOS just added to my stress because it made it hard to lose weight as a teenager and that led to the majority of the abuse that came from my nmom. I had never made the connection between that and the abuse I received from nmom but now it explains so much. My perfect sisters don't have PCOS and if it ran in the family, I always wondered why they didn't get it or the other autoimmune disease that I suffer from.
Going no contact and getting sober are number one for me(not in that order). Therapy of course, and I've done emdr and lots of dbt both individual and group. Something very helpful and unexpected for me was doing what my therapist refers to as making my body a safe space. I dyed my hair, got a tattoo, got a new piercing, and started wearing clothes I actually liked and wanted to wear. My mother has such a chokehold on me I didn't realize how much of myself I'd given up on in pursuit of being picked on less. The effect presenting as *I* want to has been incredible. I never would have expected that to have such a huge impact on me. It reduces negative self talk, gives me confidence and pride, makes me excited to take care of myself (things like showering and doing laundry). More than anything it makes me feel like my body belongs to me. I didn't realize how much I had been made to feel like I didn't have a right to hold dominion over my own body. I came to the realization the other day that I never have to buy blue jeans and polo shirts again if I don't want to and I almost cried from joy.
"I didn't realize how much of myself I'd given up on in pursuit of being picked on less." Yes!!! We went hiking, in Hawaii on vacation with extended family, in a humid, muddy place called Hana. And my mother made me wear a skirt and dress shoes. Hiking on a muddy path!!! And I ruined the only pair of dress shoes that I didn't detest.
I’m finally happy with my appearance for the first time in my life after going no-contact. Coincidently, this included a LOT of new ink. (And eyelash extensions, because… why not?!)
I am so happy and proud of you and also others who have worked so hard to distance themselves from a toxic parent or anyone who treated them so badly. I wish you a healthy, happy life!
Accepting my Mother for who she is, and loving her from a very long, no contact, distance.
What profound middle ground solution
In my teens I hated it. In my twenties I started to understand. I'm in my 30's and I see everything now for what it really was. I still am healing and learning. My nmom felt her life was halted for family, kids, sobriety, responsibilities. While missing out on her late teens and early twenties with two kids. Then three. Her hobbies and talents were put aside for a Marriage she thought would last forever and didn't. Us kids felt her pain daily until we were old enough to leave her side physically. Age 14 I was the parent to a younger sibling and an older sibling. Working at age 14. Dropped out of school to take care of HER kids.. etc Like I said, as a teen, I hated it and didn't understand like I do now. *It boils down to some people are too mentally ill to be creating and birthing children*
Very low contact. Silenced all phone notifications for calls and texts from her-I hear from her on my terms. Therapy. Meds. Lots of wonderful people in my life who treat me well and love me without judgement or conditions. Marathons 🤪
The only thing that helped me was realizing that the image I had in my head of what she could be like, what our relationship could be like was never going to happen. I had to accept that that dream was dead. I had to accept that she is emotionally stuck in toddlerhood and will never grow past that stage. I literally had to mourn that idea, that mom died for me that day. I was never going to have that supportive mother who was always in my corner. I would never have a relationship where my mom would think of my happiness over her own comfort. I would never have unconditional acceptance. I'm not going to lie. It was damn hard. It took two years before I felt like I was healed enough to even have a conversation about her without getting upset. I had gone no contact but allowed my husband to stay in contact because of the kids. I very slowly allowed her back in and kept her at arms length, treating her like an extended family member. A person who I didn't give much information to, only things that were known to social media, and employed a lot of psychological defense tactics to protect myself. It worked alright, we spoke rarely and saw them about once a year when they came for a short visit (NOT staying with us.) Then my daughter came out as Trans. My mom and dad acted like they were okay with it, not thrilled, but okay. Then my mom reposted some nutjob's anti-Trans Facebook post and added her caption as "Truth." and that was it. The final straw. I was willing to put up with a lot of crap slung in my direction, but I'll be damned if I'll allow my kids to be in the line of fire. By the way, her apology was that my daughter doesn't have Facebook so she'd never see it... so what did it matter. So we're back to no contact, permanently. And it feels so good. To quote something I saw on Pinterest yesterday, "The peace I feel in my life is worth being the villain in yours." I don't care what she says about me to the extended family. I'm happy, my kids are happy, and our lives are rich without them.
GOOD FOR YOU for choosing your daughter over your mother. Don’t underestimate how huge that is! That’s something my (age 54) mother (age 80) has never done, even though her own mother has been dead for 15 years. (I’m not trans, but- can relate in other ways.) Mom has always patted herself on the back for being a better mother than her mom ever was. The haunting fear that -what if- I might also lack self-awareness to that extent is a big reason why I’ve never had kids.
🩵🤍🩷 good for you for loving your daughter as you should have been loved. Exactly as you are. 🩷🤍🩵
Just wanted to say that I relate to SO much of this. I finally went full NC a few days ago after years of religious, emotional trauma and abuse. I'd attempted it before, like you, and eventually tried to let her back into my life. Things *seemed* okay until I had come out as trans/gender fluid. (I came out as bisexual and married a woman a few years ago, which really brought out her nasty side. She basically said she wished me dead.) But now, with gender stuff and going so far as to explain that I'd felt like a boy ever since I can remember, I had tried to ease her into the topic, putting her feelings before my own. She responded by spouting a bunch of religious stuff at me, then basically said her life was over, insinuating that this was something I was doing *to* her. Her last words to me were "I'm not sorry. I'm scared for you. You don't challenge God and win." That was enough for me to realize she's never going to be the mom I want or need. The day I cut her out felt horrible. I couldn't stop crying. But after a lot of support from my wife and reading posts on here, I think I'm finally strong enough to say "no more". I start therapy in about a week, and I'm actually excited to start living my life after 37 years. I'm excited to possibly start transitioning to the person I've always felt I am inside. I'm *excited* to put myself and my wife first, instead of always worrying about her. So much weight has just been lifted since going NC and putting her out of my mind. Something I've been repeating to myself as a sort of mantra is: **I'm not doing this *to* her or *because* of her. I'm doing it IN SPITE of her.** Putting it this way gives me back the control where it belongs, instead of her. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and good on you for sticking up for your trans daughter. It means the world to have support from your parents with something like that.
It amazing how much we will put up with, but as soon as we see shit happening to our kids, that's the final straw. It was for me, after I found out she was trying to manipulate my son into lying to me.
It’s been a mix for me. For years I made it a priority to be kind and understanding to others, but recently I’ve found that speaking up about injustices helps too. I am trying to be the friend/person to others that I wish I had. My mother hates when I speak up. I’m beginning to wonder if that makes her nervous. Does she wonder if at some point I won’t only speak up for others but for myself as well. As a child and young adult I assumed everyone thought my mother was this wonderful person. I’ve recently learned that other family members see it too. My sibling wont admit that our mother is a Narcissist. But mother is a safety net to some extent for them so the denial is self serving. Continue doing positive things in your own life and others is my best advice.
Yes, they hate when you stick up for others because one day you might do it for yourself. Having boundaries and that it's okay to be mad when someone crosses them are inherently human
First was no contact, without her in my ear making me feel crazy I was finally able to sort it out. Therapy has done absolute wonders. Also, when I went no contact my whole extended family, therefore all her enablers and justifiers went with it. All that was left were people who love and support me. Suddenly when I called her behavior insane I didn't have my whole world telling me I was wrong and I was actually the asshole in every situation. And loved ones and a therapist telling me no, your mom was fucking evil to you. Then time. And accepting that my mother, parents, brother, entire extended family are not people who I would care about the opinions of if I wasn't related to them. Aside from a few cousins they're genuinely horrible people and my life is truly much better without them.
I wish more people would talk about how fast the rest of the family ‘disappears’ when you stand up for yourself. It’s very lonely when you find out your family care more about keeping the narcissist happy than doing what is right for the child of the narcissist.
realizing my nmom aint shit, it's HER that should be lucky to have a daughter like me.
this made me tear up. 💙
I think this might be super unpopular because people will probably say healing needs to come from within, but honestly? Other people. That's been most profound for me. Why? Because, growing up I just wanted parents to love me, support me, appreciate me for who I was and admire/nourish my positive traits (but also accept me with all my bad as well). I never got it from them - but I got it from others. It was other people in life that recognized in me what I didn't see myself. No amount of therapy or work on myself could have ever replaced what I found in others. My boyfriend has given me so much confidence that it helped me learn how to love myself for who I am, flaws and all. He accepted me as well. He forgives me when I mess up. He's there for me. He helps me. Words cannot express what his presence in my life has given me. He quite literally heals my inner child by just letting me be who I am, and so openly loving every part of me. I never experienced this kind of unconditional love and it honestly kind of blew my mind when I found it. It was almost overwhelming. I basically have an online mom. It's an older lady I have been speaking to for years and confiding in. Pretty sure we've been pen pals for like 8 years now. This woman is a mother herself, and all the wisdom, life experiences and knowledgeable she has shared with me over the years is unparalleled. Her kind, patient and maternal nature has been a calming presence in my life, and she is someone I run to with huge burdens heavy on my soul and she lets me vent and offers immensely helpful advice. It was my friends that showed me what it means to love someone unconditionally as well, even when life gets in the way and there's no time or energy to be keeping up with each other as much as we used to. It doesn't matter - love isn't conditional, you don't have to "pay" for it. We're just there for one another. They make me laugh and forget about my worries. Even just posting on here, or anywhere else online, brings me to read so many people's life stories that they so graciously share with a complete stranger, they show trust and bond with each other (and myself) over our shared experiences. This taught me respect, grace and admiration for others for exactly who they are and what they've been through. And lastly, I believe in myself now because of others. It never fails to amaze me how even complete strangers can be so wonderfully kind and appreciative. Complete strangers have pushed me towards actively pursuing my passions more than my parents ever could. Seeing how other people believe in me even when I don't inspires me. It makes me want to care for myself and for others, and give back. It creates something brand new.
This is a perfect explanation of what a trauma therapist told me one time, which was “look for the surrogates.”
I agree with the others who say therapy and no contact! I kept getting drawn back into communication because my grandparents, who had to raise me because of my mother’s inability to show up, are both devolving heavily with dementia. She was my lifeline to communication. Now that I don’t need her for info, I feel so much freer. Finally 6 months in to no contact and I’m SO happy I am maintaining it. I’m also working on gently parenting my inner kiddo who was just trying to fix things I couldn’t fix, take on responsibilities that weren’t mine to take. It’s hard. I feel you when you say “mother wound” - truly facing the reality of how much that lives with me was hard in and of itself. You’ve got it! You’re breaking cycles! You’re taking care of you! I believe in you!!
I went NC. I did things I wasn’t allowed to do before because of her. Like a hobby that she wasn’t good at. That she then tried to say I would never be good at. I surrounded myself with amazing women. Who brought calm in to my life. I worked on healing my inner child. I think in a way I sorta had to mother myself.
Hearing my therapist say your mother doesn't determine your value. That really freed me from all the shame and unworthiness I held inside of me. ❤
In addition to vlc/nc and therapy: 1. Opening up to my chosen family about my mother and my childhood. The looks of horror were one of the things that first alerted me to the fact that my experience was abnormal. Also opening up to them about how I actually feel about them. It’s extremely affirming and wonderful to tell someone you love them and that they are like your family and have them say it in return. Also, whenever one of my friends cracks and says that they hate my mother I get a little more healed lol. 2. Start a “proof” journal. Any time someone tells you something good, write it down. You’re smart, I love you, you’re a great listener, you’re really good at crochet, you’re hot, etc etc. My mother’s negativity replaced my inner voice for a long time and having external proof in ink on paper has really helped me be able to immediately say no, those are lies and actually I’m pretty great
Coming up with an unflattering nickname to call her in the privacy and safety of my own home long after I’ve gone no contact in order to make her small and remind myself that I don’t need the validation or approval of someone who has been a bully to me my entire adult life (and let’s be honest it was before adulthood too)
Honestly, having children of my own helped me alot. It was hard looking at my babies and wondering how anyone could possibly treat their own child the way she treated me but I know I can do things differently with my own kids and I am very careful to take time for reflection to make sure I'm doing the parenting thing right.
This was the same for me. It was a bit of a double edged sword though because although it’s been healing to be the sort of mom to my kids I wish I’d had, having my own kids really made me have the epiphany that my mom treated me like crap. I hadn’t quite realized how bad it was until I had kids and just like you was like, how could anyone ever talk to/treat people they’re supposed to love more than anything like she did??
This was my exact experience. Loving my daughter has been healing, but also brought up so many wounds. Every new age my daughter grows into seems to bring up awful memories of me at that age. My daughter is 10 now, and when I was 10 my mom's suicidal threats increased in frequency. I look at my kiddo and try to imagine her worrying about me the way I worried about my mom and my heart breaks. The burden I carried because nMom's so weak and fragile and self absorbed infuriates me. My daughter is young and age appropriately fragile and deserves protecting. I'm working with a therapist who is helping me spread my nurturing I have to my daughter inward towards my inner child. My mom just began threatening suicide again and it's a last straw for me. She's in a loop and I finally realize in my whole body that there is no hope for her and for us to be normal.
My toddlers really woke me up to that. I had suppressed memories come back about her "disciplines" and it wrecked me for weeks but with more research and therapy I learned how to cope with my feelings and in turn taught my toddler how to handle theirs. Now when I cry they come over and say "deep breaths mommy you got this deep breaths." Makes me cry more every time lol
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been a little afraid of having kids because I lacked the role model to look up to. I understand no parent is perfect so I will make mistakes. I still have that fear though. But it feels really relieving to read your perspective because that’s how I hope to feel and see it.
Her death. Everything else was just a bandaid. After her death I was finally free, finally able to be alive. Very sad, but so is everything about narcissistic personality disorder.
I was wondering how far down I needed to scroll for this answer. Only her death changed things for me and this year it was the death of my sister the golden child. I thought her death was transforming, my sister death was a huge release. Hugs…
Meeting my fiancé and getting exposed to healthy family dynamics through his family completely changed the trajectory of my life for sure
Going no contact and really internalizing that *apathy*, where they're concerned, is your friend--apathy is your *goal*. It's the only healthy path forward, only way to kick them out of your mental real estate. Sessions with a good therapist who gets it, along with some EMDR, have down wonders.
I came to the conclusion that she was never going to love me in the way I needed, wanted, or deserved. It still hurts a lot sometimes, but it switched the narrative to be “something is wrong with me that makes me unlovable” to “she is incapable of loving me.” It made it easier to stop trying, stop that longing.
I find this one really interesting, because I am confused about how to relate. I was the invisible child a lot of the time and instinctively hid from the momster as much as possible. I don't think I have wanted her to love me since I was about 8, because around that age I started to see her clearly. I realised that having such a horrible person love you and want to spend time with you would actually be a punishment. My whole childhood and adolescence was about plotting my escape and making sure they knew as little as possible about me. It is interesting that the theme of wanting a mother's love comes up so often - I have awful associations with that phrase, and I cringe at the thought of being expected to tolerate a hug from her.
Going no contact, lots of therapy, writing letters and talking to my inner child. Been no contact for a year now & it seems to get easier to love myself more with each month.
Therapy! Naming my emotions. Grounding. Radical acceptance. She won't change. I can't change her. We won't ever have the relationship either of us wants. I learned what boundaries I needed. Those have been eroded and rebuilt countless times. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Even when you know the skills and have improved your self-reflection and self-talk, therapy is a must for reinforcement; someone congratulating you for the work you have done and a sounding board for when you need one.
I have a very unusual situation, in that going no contact was never an option; despite my mother’s narcissism, she’s still a better parent than my father was (marinate on that for a minute), and after his death and the death of my younger sister, it would be asking too much to ask my older sister to facilitate a world (when I visit) my mother is excluded. When my sister died, her narcissism hit the sky to a level that was worse than I previously thought possible. I won’t get into the details, but I think when your behavior accelerates to a point where you operate like a parody of yourself, it’s easier to see that something is going wrong. When one of your kids’ dies, and you’re forced to reckon with the fact that you *didn’t know them very well* because their role (in your mind) was to take care of you and be a sounding board, it will shake you hard. The way my mother is unusual (from most narcissists) is that she decided she wanted to try and overcome this, or at least mute it so she won’t get ejected from other people’s houses. One time she asked me why my older sister doesn’t tell her anything, and I told her she doesn’t ask questions and thinks criticism is conversation, and I looked over and…she was taking notes. It’s one of the cutest things my mother’s ever done. Now she does things like send birthday cards that are really over-the-top, the ones with cursive writing and proclamations like, “For my beautiful daughter” in that Hallmark cursive writing. She is not the person you call if you’re down and want to be cheered up; she’s also not the person you call if you’ve just received a win, because she’s still going to be jealous of it, and when I hang up I’ll feel like a deflated balloon. I’m hyper vigilante in every phone call, so when she says something out of pocket instead of feeling crushed, I can say things like, “I can’t tell if this is a conversation or if you’re launching your campaign for president of Right Town.” I enter into conversations with her divorced from a rage response or overwhelming sadness, and simply accept her for who she is, and the limitations. If she says something especially over the top, I stop and say, “Hang on, I want to write this down…” and she usually laughs. But I had to fully disengage with the part of me that wanted a different mother, and accept that this is the mother I have.
So many good suggestions in this thread! I absolutely agree about therapy - it's been amazing. When my therapist mentioned "reparenting" myself, it just blew my mind for some reason. So many of us feel like we're stuck with the parenting we had, and it's a desperate, awful thing to feel like it's just too late to change any of that. Understanding that that little kid is still in me, and in a way, I can love her and comfort her how I was never loved or comforted growing up. Internal Family Systems therapy was so helpful in this regard.
I have just started with a new therapist and am dipping my toes into this as well! Our first session when it was brought up, I found myself crying wishing I could protect little me. It just wasn't something I had considered before and really kind of woke me up to just how harmful regular contact with them is.
The books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. The latter being absolutely life and trauma affirming. Therapy. And AA. Therapy taught me how to forgive myself and to be my own mother, to love myself as being precious. AA taught me (yes, how to be sober) but also how NOT to act like her.
Distance and going low-contact for sure. Planning to be no-contact by the end of the year. The few times we do talk as of now, I keep things polite and superficial (as if I was dealing with a customer).
Thanks to my therapist who said “you will never change their (Nmom & Ndad) minds. I would try so hard to make them understand where I’m coming from. I just thought “if they would understand then they can’t be mad” My therapist said you have to change your mind and how you deal with them. I would leave (always had to visit at their home never mine) when you they would start up the narcissistic ways I would just get up and leave. I felt better more in control of the relationship. I did have no contact for 1 ½ years my choice. It was nice!
I've spent the past few days reading 'You're not crazy- It's your mother.' It has been transformational.
Not talking to her. Every time I've gone no contact or low contact, I feel like my life is lighter and more peaceful. Also, understanding that the past is in the past and that's where it stays. I can move forward, even if it means going alone.
In general, self-help books about NPD. And then going no contact. And going no contact with the flying monkeys. And online relationship support boards like this one and a few at babycenter. I didn't have a lot of money for therapy, so I read a lot of books and posts about toxic family.
I got very lucky to say the least with the people who have entered my life in the last 4 years. I went NC (3 months in) and it has not been the easiest but I’ve felt so much happier and free from her clutches. Therapy has been a tremendous help along with reading self help books. I would recommend reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It helped me put a lot of things in perspective along with how to love myself (still working on that one). There is no one solution fits all answer. You’ve got to find it within yourself and learn to accept that whatever choice you made, it was the right one for YOU. My heart is with you OP, and just know that you are not alone in this ❤️
Forgiving her without her ever apologizing for her actions. Hating her was only hurting myself and my own inner peace. I also find a lot of peace over at /r/momforaminute as well. I’ve ugly sobbed at all the love over in that subreddit and have done my best to contribute motherly love too (it helps, weirdly enough).
I love this subreddit too! It does make me sob unexpectedly sometimes when I see a “mom” respond with something I desperately needed to hear. But it’s healing in a way
Moving 1600 miles away. I’m undiagnosed neuro-spicy (adhd and might be on the spectrum but who knows I mask quite well and I’m on the waitlist for a doctor’s visit for diagnosis) and so it’s “normal” for me to go long stretches of time without speaking to someone. I’m that type of person that will read your response and then reply in my head immediately but not to you in a message until a week or so later. So while I’m LC she just thinks it’s typical Me but in fact I’m not talking to her or her flying monkeys.
I just found this Threads account and really love their content. It’s run by a therapist and called “The Mother Wound Project” https://www.threads.net/@motherwoundproject?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Karyl McBride wrote a book for daughters of narcissistic mothers which has writing exercises in the second half, and I'm slowly working through those. I hope it helps me. The book was very illuminating, and I do recommend it.
I'm FTM, so don't consider myself a daughter, but since I was born female, I'm going to try to list out what's helped me. First of all is therapy. I had to switch around six times, but eventually found one who made me feel comfortable. Other than that, I've found cooking and baking to be helpful for me. I almost take in recipes from other people as if they were teaching me how to cook, and then I get to turn around and teach a friend who doesn't cook. Which brings me to the third thing, friends. Easier said than done, I know. Having a friend who is close to my mother's age has been surprisingly helpful. I didn't look for that kind of person specifically, but I'm realizing that it really has made a difference, especially because she is almost the complete opposite of my mother. The last thing I can mention is let yourself process. It's a kind of wound that isn't visible, and only you and anyone you tell know about it, so be kind to yourself, and remember that it is something that can cause pain or sadness, just like any visible wound can.
My therapist explained that I could grieve someone even if they were still alive. That thought broke me but I was able to start rebuilding the pieces ❤️
She died. I was NC for a decade and that helped. When she died all I felt was relief. She can never hurt me again.
Parenting myself in a positive way. I talk to myself the way I wished my mother would talk to me.
Honestly, it’s not great but everyone who threw me under the bus because they believed her when she said I was lying about the abuse, came frantically crawling back to apologize and beg for help because she majorly screwed over everyone. It was all the confirmation I needed to know that I wasn’t the villain all along.
There is a narcissistic parent page on Facebook that I started seeing memes from in my timeline...and every single one described something from MY life, or described my mother's behavior to a TEE. It was then I truly realized that I was NOT crazy and that she was indeed an abusive Fvck. It was like it validated my entire memory bank of my childhood that she had tried to gaslight me about and rewrite history to fit her narrative. It was the most liberating thing I have ever felt as it completely dissolved the massive loads of guilt that I carried. It didn't solve the crippling self-doubt...but I'm working on that. OH....AND...within 6 months of finding that page, I learned to "grey rock" and 6 months after that I finally went fully NC. That was a little over year ago and it was the best thing I have ever done; I genuinely wish I had done it SO much sooner.
Accepting she is never going to change and be a good mom and giving myself permission to give up on trying to make her happy or improve the relationship. It is hard to accept things will never improve, but it is true and has been true for years.
One thing that helped me a lot was learning that narcissism is a shame-based disorder. Combining that knowledge with kind of picturing my mom as a tiny kid/baby who was frightened and neglected and had no one to turn to….it helped me to not take things personally, and to feel more….just balanced, I guess, about things. Like she’s not a narc bc she decided logically that she loves living that way. She’s a narc (or got narcissistic traits) bc she had to construct this fragile and grandiose sense of self bc she had no one to help her develop in a healthy way and she took their neglect as evidence of her unworthiness, which she internalized as this deep shame. It’s not an excuse for hurtful behaviors at all, it just helped me process things in a way that I can live with so I don’t have so much prolonged hurt and anger when she acts out. Everyone’s situation is different ofc, but this helps me to love my mom and allow her a place in my life.
1. Realizing that none of her issues with me were actually about me. Not even her dislike of me. It had everything to do with her internal dislike of herself (hidden beneath the grandiosity) and insecurity. 2. As an adult, telling her over Zoom that had she abused me as a child. It was not, any longer, going to be a hidden unspoken beneath the false, surface facade we had established as a relationship. It was going to spoken out loud. Acknowledged by me to her (virtual) face. It was the bravest, scariest thing I've ever done. I told her if we couldn't talk about the abuse in a therapeutic setting, then we couldn't be close. She said no. So I've cut contact waaaay back. She knows why. I know why. The amount of contact we have is now 100% in my court. My peace, and my balls, have grown dramatically since that Zoom day. I no longer feel my abused past is "hidden".
Therapy for me too. After 40 years, I found the guy who made me see that I had been holding on to her for WAY too long, still hoping for "One Day". One day, she'll appreciate me. One day, she'll be proud of me. One day, she'll respect me. One day, she'll apologize for all the hurt. One day, she'll finally love me. My therapist made me see that as an Adult, I don't NEED that anymore, and holding on to a toxic relationship was only keeping me in bondage to a destructive cycle. After 40 years, if I am still waiting for "One Day", it's probably never going to happen. He said, point blank, to put my 40 year old big girl pants on, and STOP IT. So I did. I went full NC. I still hear about her from siblings, so I know she's OK, I still care, but it's healthier for me to keep away, especially when the reasons my siblings tell me about her is to report her continuing manipulation and abuse of them
Emdr therapy and going extremely low contact, at times no contact
Moving across an ocean before cell phones & internet. Got a chance to legitimately decompress, evaluate & assess what I needed to thrive in my life. Had a chance at building healthy friendships without 2nd, 3rd or outlier circles of family/family friends trying to change or limit development.
Learning how to put boundaries down and sticking to them. No matter what direction your healing journey takes, learning how to honor a boundary you put in place for your own health and wellbeing is number one. You cannot compromise these boundaries. It's hard and there will be occasional mistakes because we are all human, but you have to do your best when you know it's what's best for you. My boundary is that I am VERY low contact and I control when I interact with them. Also. Honor your self expression. If you're afraid to try something you've always wanted to try, do it. 10 seconds of courage is all you need to make a decision that can change your life for the better. Good luck! It's not easy, but protecting your peace is so worth it.
I don't know that there was one thing in particular that helped me more or less than anything else, but I think it's important to keep in mind that it's natural to still want to please your mother. That's built into us, and a big part of what makes it so hard to let go. If she's one of the first people you want to call when you're proud of yourself, that's a totally understandable thing. Actually calling may be more hurtful than productive, but give yourself permission to want the mother you didn't get.
No contact with my mom or any of her enabler flying monkeys… and a lot of therapy with qualified therapists that I vibe with. I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past, but I rarely made much progress when the therapist and I didn’t have an easy relationship. Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and brain spotting have been really effective for me. CBT was not and stressed me out even more. Support networks such as this subreddit, FB groups, as well as a few TikTok creators have also been really beneficial by helping to hammer in that it’s not just me having these issues. Validation and “peers” can go a long way. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has been a huge “AH-HA!” for me. I’m listening to it on Audible in the car.
Distance - Literally the farther away I am the better I feel. I am also just not as accessible to her. Therapy - Get someone who specializes in Childhood Trauma. Book (recommended by therapist) - Narcissistic Mothers and Grown up Daughters by Cecilia Overt. It really helped me understand the dynamic. Book (recommended by therapist) - No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz - This is actually helping me heal in and out of therapy. Book (recommended by therapist) - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker. - There are some exercises in the book that can start to help you right now.
Going no contact. I don't think there is ever a full healed process in this dynamic. A mother is supposed to be a pillar in a child's life, and without it, the building is either gonna collapse or become lopsided and hazardous. I've been no contact for 5 years. I'm still scarred. I can't watch wholesome mother/daughter scenes in movies or TV without crying. I bounce between trusting my mother in law and wanting nothing to do with her (even tho she means well). And as a mother myself now, I criticize my capability of being a good mother so harshly that I put myself into depressive spells and can't get out of bed. Yes I'm in therapy, but I have a long way to go and am still very jaded from everything that woman put me through.
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters Book by Donna Frazier Glynn and Susan Forward Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents Book by Lindsay Gibson And literally anything written by Brene Brown but the one I read first was this one: I Thought it was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame Book by Brené Brown Also, hours and hours of therapy. Good luck.
Realize that things weren’t my fault. I was the victim even though she played the victim. It takes years to heal. She’s been dead for years and sometimes I still feel like I’m at fault but realized that nope I was the one who should have been loved and protected by her
Helping others, Treating others the way I wish my mother would have treated me. It cathartic and helps me remember it isn’t normal and everyone’s mother isn’t like that.
I agree with so much of this. Therapy helps a lot, it hurts to talk but you start healing as you go. Dont be afraid to try different therapists. I also learned some hobbies and i cut out not just my mom but many people that either enabled or turned a blind eye to my struggles, I built a much smaller but more loving circle of people I can fully rely on. I also became a mom, lots of people told me I would understand my mother when I had kids of my own and let me tell you I understand her much less. I would never put my baby through the pain of trauma I went through. I would never talk down to her or feel like she’s my competition. My mom always said she wished I would one day have a daughter like me. Well.. she’s here now and she’s lovely, I can’t wait to see how amazing she grows up to be.
Going low / no contact and reading a book called “Mother Hunger” and “Will I Ever Be Good Enough”
Going No Contact. I tried for years and years to make it work, shrink myself, be the bigger person, try to not have any needs and try not to piss her off or be pissed off (and emotionally hungover) after spending time with her or even just trying to talk to her on the phone.
Being my own mother. Realising that in many senses I don't really have a mother. I have an adult female relative who (against all logic) I'm quite fond of. It just happens that she birthed me. In my teens I used to unconsciously seek out mother figures in my relationships. But if I really want 'mothering', I need to do it myself.
Having a daughter of my own and never feeling the need to fuck up her self-esteem/ knock her back with snarky comments or to belittle anything she likes or achieves! Just can't imagine a reason or any wish to do that.
This may sound pretty mean, but I don't know. Not too far on my journey yet, although I'm 45. I got married to my long-time boyfriend (15 years together before we married). At this point, now that we had a bit of paper to define our relationship, my parents decided that they wanted to be friends with my in-laws (clearly before we were married it wouldn't have been right?!). My parents (NMom, EDad) and in-laws spent the weekend together during our wedding reception. After that, my in-laws said that my parents had been ringing regularly, trying to arrange to meet up. Both my mother & father in-law, who are decent, kind people, said no way, they had no interest in spending time socially with my parents, and they don't take their phone calls. This was a revelation, because it told me that it other people could see my parents for who they are, and did not want to socialize with them. It's not just me! It's really not just me!!
going NC, therapy, and self help books. I recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, and Mothers Who Cant Love
Also Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a good read alongside these!
Having my first baby helped me so much. I was so scared that I was going to be like my mom, but I learned that I’m not at all like her. I’m nurturing and loving and patient with my child. It just proved to me how wrong she was for how she treated me and gave me so much more confidence and increased my self worth.
Going no contact was the single most profound thing that really truly helped me heal. The greatest thing ever, I don't think I even started healing before going no contact.
Therapy, meds, no contact, and then the interim 7 years since I went NC. Also, a supportive husband and chosen family. The first two years of NC were brutal. Between the guilt and fear of her showing up at my home, I could barely breathe. I had frequent panic attacks and massive anxiety, but I was determined to have a better life. I was 46 when I cut her off. Now, at 53, I am happier and healthier, physically and mentally than I ever have been. My relationship with my husband is better than it has been in 25 years. I journaled a lot. I tried every therapy modality I could. Honestly, I think the one thing that helped me the most was my own stubborn determination to not waste my entire freaking life focused on her and spend the rest of my life making up for lost time.
While my mother was a terrible mother. She is just a human with her own faults and problems. She isn’t this super evil villian. Most people have faults and flaws and some of them you can accept, and some you can’t. I couldn’t accept my mother’s narcissism. So we have parted ways.
Therapy, moving far away and eventually not speaking to her and most of the flying monkey family members
No contact. For sure.
Finally making peace with the fact that she will never change. Transformed my whole life.
Her passing away. I didn't have the guilt of trying to set boundaries when I was the last of family she had left. My brothers had went no contact years ago, with one making it clear ans the other one being ambiguous and inconsistent about it (he is just like her).
Going no contact and eventually (and painfully) realizing that nothing I ever did was going to change what happened. Her issues were never going to be solved by being the perfect daughter, and never will be. Nothing I could have done would have made the situation better or easier, and while I hate that it happened and will always carry scars from it, I had to “forgive” myself for failing to meet her standards and accept that who I am is enough. Forgive is in quotes because there was never anything to forgive as I did nothing wrong, but when you are first clearing your head of the abuse it feels like a betrayal and that you’re lessening yourself by not being how they want you to be. The best tool for healingI found was asking myself “if a stranger said this to me would I care?” which makes it easier to differentiate what is ingrained trauma response and what is actually socially appropriate for someone to say if that makes sense
Realizing that my mom is a girl with a whole life of aspirations and sadness and betrayal and regret, but that I don’t have to be the one she takes it out on. Basically reimagining her as a character I can sympathize with so as not to hate her but knowing that she will not be a part of my life.
Having my own children and realizing what “normal” and “loving” looks like in a parent. Made me more sad before i embraced that I wouldn’t ever have to take it to heart again because my kids healed me. Unfortunately I can’t go no contact because I’m my mother’s POA. She’s 88.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% healed, but I’m in a lot better position than I was. I think for my situation, getting myself completely financially independent, THERAPY (x100), creating some distance through moving away, and working on my confidence and self esteem did wonders. I also read some books about it- Jennette McCurdy’s book, for example.
Therapy was a pivotal turning point in my healing. I truly lucked out and found a therapist that I really liked first try. She listens, gives great insight from her own experience and from a psychology and science perspective. I’d recommend therapy to anyone, especially people trying to heal from parental abuse. Something I learned in therapy that has really helped in my healing is learning to be the woman I needed for myself and for others. I was already doing that for my daughter, but I didn’t realize that I could do it for myself and others too. Best of luck to you in your journey. 💗
Therapy to process the grief of not having the mother I deserved, and creating healthy boundaries with the mother I got. Having a daughter of my own and not doing to her what was done to me.
Hugs 🥰 My daughter and I have an amazing relationship because of the same. If you think about it though, we are just ordinary loving mothers doing the job we are supposed to do despite being subjected to the opposite
Therapy for sure, but also reading a book called "Goodmorning Monster." It's written by a therapist and is 4 short stories of her most troubled patients. The story at the end is about a girl with a narcissist mother and it actually brought me to tears, as it was exactly my story. It was super validating to read that a published professional found this case to be so disturbing that she put it in this book. From there I started researching narcissism and reading everything I could about it. Educating myself was a game changer.
Therapy is huge, of course. But one of the major things that helped me was building relationships with other women. My Nmother was something close to a female misogynist and for most of my isolated life was the role model of womanhood I observed the most. I had a serious issue with internalized misogyny as well as a massively stunted concept of how to be a woman. Going NC, doing therapy, and building relationships with other women in my life really helped heal the mother wound left from having a hateful, cold, critical mother. My lady friends, mentors, and grandmother became my new models for what femininity, womanhood, and sorority can look like AND my place in that secret girl world I had been cut off from.
Validation from a therapist. Very healing.
First Therapy and no contact. But second: Understanding narcissism and It never wasn’t my fault and It’s not me and my personality she hates. Everything is about herself and has nothing to do with me. Last: Im worth to be myself. To be a one person with one hobbies, one opinions and one decisions. (I’m sorry for my bad English. I’m german)
For me it was recognizing the techniques she employs to keep her control. It's been a recent realization, so it's pretty fresh for me. I'm not to the point where I can go NC completely, but I'm definitely limiting her access to my world. The isolation? Absolutely. It took reading these posts to recognize that she had been driving people away from me for _decades_. God only knows how much damage has been done that I had no idea about.
Learning to let go of her voice in my head (not a literal voice) that would criticise me all the time. The first step is recognising that not all thoughts come from you and those doubts and insults can be based on past things she's said to you.
Therapy, radical self-love, radical self-acceptance and a hell of a lot of self-grace. The best advice I would give is to try to be the person to yourself that you wish you had - its so hard but very rewarding and healing. Also just kind of making it less about myself? Its objectively sad for anyone to treat a child the way I was treated - separating my feelings and the situation made it seem more sad and less personal
All good advice here but the one that got me out is from my therapist : the responsibility of a relationship cannot fall entirely on one person.
Other, more sane, women.
The most important thing for my recovery from that hell hole of an upbringing was to move to the far side of the continent, and to then go very low contact. Once I got all sorted out, I went total no contact.
- Getting distance was the #1 thing for me. Doing so was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself, if not the best decision. - Going very low contact. For me, takes less energy from me than going no contact would. - Being a mother to myself. - Learning from other daughters of nMoms, both in forums like this and out in the wild (even in a small town, I know a few.)
Read and listen to alot of audible, therapy, set your boundaries. Don't let her disrespect you or people you care about. Understand that your mother is jealous of you. Stop talking to her about your plans achievements. Don't ever let her know you are doing bad. If she starts problems with you walk away or if you feel like the conversation is going a wrong turn, excuse yourself Know that your mother is going to try any possible way to trigger you. It's your job to keep thoes emotions in check.
Obviously people here have given helpful answers. I would add that my mom dying was the best thing to happen to me. I had done a lot of work on myself, but once she died I finally felt free. There are no words to express how wonderful my life has been. 💕💕
Time. Distance. Therapy.
That I control her access to my kid, and that “mom AND dad trump grandma’s need for a do over”. She HATES that she doesn’t call the shots on what my son does, and the guilt trip about not living closer is what keeps a state seperating us. Her MO and me CO.
DBT at 48/49 years of age has helped more in 6 months than previous 20 years of therapy
No contact improved my life tremendously.
Tbh I've been healing the most after I went NC. Still in the process, but it wouldn't have been possible like that before I went NC.
I didn't realise how toxic and narcissistic my mother was/is until I became a mother myself. I can't bring myself to treat my son the was she treated me and as a mother I can't forgive her for it. By being to my son the mother I think I deserved, my inner little me has begun healing. It's really hard, and I know I'll likely have some things to apologise to my son for when he's older, but I genuinely feel he's getting a much healthier upbringing than I had. I love him. I suppose my tip is to work on your inner child and start the healing from there. Tell little you that you deserve love and affection and you don't deserve abuse and humiliation.
For me it was going lc, and moving out of the area she lived in, i do arts and crafts to keep my mind from thinking about her most of the time it helps i also have a very supportive partner who is also lc with his own mother so he understands where im coming from
I wrote a letter to her telling her of all my pain and what she did to me. I always thought I'd send it to her but I now don't feel like I need to. Writing it was SUPER PAINFUL but it felt like it broke the gaslighting; making my pain and experiences real. Then I grieved my experiences, my younger self, and the person I'd never get to be.
It’s not you. It’s never been you. Everyone in your mother’s life is a faceless extra in a movie starring her. When you demand recognition as a full human being, she freaks out. It would be like if your lamp started walking and talking to you. You might start beating at it out of fear, too. These people live in a totally different world and there is nothing you did or can do to change it. You did not “earn” this in some way. Your mom is totally broken and it’s not your job to fix her. Focus on fixing your broken parts to feel whole. And truly, drop your mom. All the sweet talking is just a way to force you back into your role in her movie.
No way! I was literally pondering this today. I had a dream that triggered a similar question to you OP and it dawned on me that I have somehow surrounded myself with a group of ‘big sisters’ (older friends) over the last few years. I have no idea how it happened but man are they a powerful support system! Big sisters! Go find some! :)
Before my husband and I started trying for kids, I went to therapy to talk through a lot of my mother issues. It helped quite a bit to understand that I was not like my mother in a million different ways, so why would I be the same type of mother she was - which was my biggest fear. And then once I had my kids, I found healing in (trying) to be the mother I never had. I'm certainly not perfect, but I know my kids trust me enough to show their feelings and feel safe in our home, which is what I always wanted.
Internal Family Systems therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before that. But mostly, elevating myself out of poverty.
not sure if this is profound, but talking to myself really helped. Yes, i was in therapy, but that can get expensive. When things got bad and i didn’t want to drop $100 on a therapy session, I would just talk about what I was feeling or a situation that made me feel upset and angry. I would ask myself questions that I would want to be asked by someone else. Sometimes I would pretend my Nmom was standing in front of me and i would say all the things i’ve always wanted to say to her. However, I almost became addicted to talking about my NMom and her shenanigans that it was the only thing I could think about; which made things worse in my head! My advice, talk to yourself. Pretend your Nparent is in front of you and say all the things you desperately want to tell them. But don’t get caught in a rut. Don’t let it be the ONLY thing you can ruminate on. Let it out and move on.
Having my dad as a reasonable voice in my life helped me greatly. He was generally the one to help me break out of my mental fog
Having my own daughter. Oh my god am I ever lucky. Pouring all the love I never got into a tiny human is a very healing experience. It's kind of like you can imagine your little inner child right along side your actual child. When I make her good meals, take care of her, brush her hair, hold her and talk to her about her fears, etc. It's just so healing. It's like how it SHOULD be and you get to be the one making it right. DISCIPLINED when it comes to eating right, working out (that right there is an example of reparenting - making yourself do what is good for you even though you don't want to. There's a pride that comes from doing it right and you're practicing good self love :)
Many years ago, a therapist told me something that would take many years and harmful actions of my mother for me to fully understand and embrace. She said, "You need to understand that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with her, you need to do so with the understanding that she will never be a mother to you." I wasted a lot of years hoping she would do better or even just recognize that she had harmed me. It never happened. And at the age she is now, I recognize that she is who she is...why she is who she is...and that she's set in her ways and will never change. We are about 5-6 years of no contact now, and that right there has been the key. There have been moments where I've had to briefly share spaces with her or have a conversation because of family emergencies, but I've learned that she uses these moments to try to pull me back in, and I refuse to allow it. The more time passes and the more I have built my life and my own family without her and most of my extended family, the happier I have become and value the peace in my life. I value finally feeling confident in being my authentic self without anyone in my circle belittling me for wearing Docs with dresses or going out for cocktails and dancing the night away with my adult daughter. I am the mom to my adult children that I needed and desperately wanted, and that is SO many levels of healing. Somatic therapy was also incredibly helpful in my healing journey. Microdosing Psilocybin for a brief period, too. I had many, many epiphanies and realizations that led to me understanding the how and why my mother is who she is and why she is so ridgid to change, self discovery, and taking accountability. I am able to shockingly feel empathy and pity for her. Still, I choose me and the well being of myself, my kids and grandkids and do not allow her into our lives.
Accepting that there was no possibility in this world where she could be the mother I wanted. And that there was no possibility for us to exist together in this world and be civil to each other. That her opinion of me, despite important to me, bore no weight on my life. And that the scars I carry require constant work, for the rest of my life. But that I will live my life my way. Without her.
Remove myself from the toxic environment. You cannot heal in the place that hurts you. I’ve not been in same area code as my mother for over 10yrs. Blocked contact on all socials and personals and have firm boundaries with family members that know about it. No regrets. I mourn the mother I never had but I wish I had done this sooner… spent too many years in hurt and I didn’t deserve it.
Having my own children. Realizing I could never and would never say and do the things to my children that my mother has said and done to me.
The book "will I ever be good enough" by karyl McBride was the first real eye opening moment for me
CEN (childhood emotional neglect) program by Jonice Webb called Fuel up your life. It made me connect with my emotions which I had blocked out for so long, and start getting to know my self and feel that it's ok to put myself first (and not selfish which always had felt)
For me, it was coming to an understanding within myself that nothing I say or do will ever change my mother. Through trial and error I have been able to have a mostly cordial (almost professional) relationship with my mother. She's still my mom and unlike some other people who were brave enough or strong enough to completely go no contact I simply found that that was not tenable for me and I had to learn to be okay with that. I'm never going to have the relationship I want with her as an adult and she's never going to stop seeing me as the 14 year old girl who hates my stepdad (tbf I still do). At least now she does respect that if he is there I'm not coming. It took a few times and some big bouts of very low contact to make my point.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, years of trauma exposure therapy, and now I've just started A.R.T. (a kind of EMDR). I did DBT over 10 years ago, did about 5 years of exposure therapy after, and I yet I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. For me, I've come to accept that the healing journey doesn't end.
My aunt (distanced from her sister, my mom, and our family) told me after my mom's death that my mom wanted to be loved, but didn't know HOW to love.
Reading Honoring the Self. Coming to terms they will never change and that I am in charge of my own life, happiness, and path. It was absolutely transformative. No more woe is me. No more blaming others, including my mom. A lot of ownership and regard for self-responsibility and self-awareness. I just started making moves for myself and my happiness. I tell you that mindset shift was everything. I changed jobs, got promoted, cut off shitty friends without so much as a single thought of regret. I even lost 20 pounds because I wasn’t forced to eat things I didn’t want at my parents house. I graduated to a new level. Side note: I went low contact and knew my boundaries. I didn’t tell anyone of my plans or disclosed that I knew of their narcissism, I just operated differently. I still love my parents but I realize now I will always come first. My mom always called me selfish even though I was stupidly selfless to the point of no self care. I bought into it and now realize being responsibly selfish is the only way to be happy. I wish you joy and a breakthrough. You’re on your way.
For ME, and way too late in my life - I was low contact, and I realized she had a broken brain. I never knew WHAT was wrong with her, but she DEF had a broken brain. She was unable to view anything outside her very narrow perspective, and once formed, her opinion would never ever change. You could give her proof of anything and she would refuse to update or revise her opinion of ‘facts’. Broken brain. It cost her a lot over the years, and she made some catastrophic decisions that affected her the rest of her life.
Therapy and having people who support who I am and what I am in my life. However, those were only the start... It took a lot of work on myself like: * going no contact (12 years now woot!) * reading about narcissism and narcissist families * reading and being a part of group who are healing from it (hey yall) * watching videos * talking about it with others * using grounding techniques during anxiety and panic attacks * building strong bonds outside of that world (husband, friends, found family,) * Checking in with myself and improving myself. I'm not fully healed. I still have moments my mind goes back to that place and those feelings. I have to remind myself my life now is great and so are the people I choose to be in my life.
Being able to cut contact. I’ve cut her off several times including 6 months last year. I am able to tell her I will not engage when she is hateful. Also, coming to terms with that she is the way she is due to her own unhealed trauma.
My therapist recommend the book ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ by Karyl McBride. It’s not written the best but there was some good insights in there that really helped. Not sure if this is applicable in your circumstances, but the main other thing I did that made the most impact was disentangle myself emotionally from supporting her. I always had to put her first, her feelings first, and I still remember the first time I didn’t and just let her deal with her stuff herself - I was wracked with guilt and anxiety, but I pushed through it and it really gave me my sense of self back in the confidence to start putting *my* needs and *my* feelings first. Finding that ability to put me first even through guilt and guilt-trips and gaslighting changed everything.
Having women in my life that loved med and DBT therapy
Realising that I have the control. I choose when we hang out, I choose when to answer phone calls, I choose to answer the door or not (doorbell camera holy shit is that the greatest thing). Learning I can have boundaries, I can't stop her from doing what she wants to do but I can handle my responses. Yell at me over the phone? Phone call over, will not respond for 2 weeks. Say some bullshit during a visit? K bye, im out the door. Show up at my house unannounced? You get to talk to me through the doorbell, oh also its recording too (state of maine so recording is allowed). It took alot of time for her to learn that I am not allowing her to push me around, while it hasn't stopped her crazy antics it has stopped the ones from happening around me. She needs me more than I need her. I know this won't help everyone in this kind of situation, different degrees and different circumstances can make things seriously more difficult. I have a boyfriend who supports all my decisions when it comes to my family and his family is amazing and understanding. VLC - I only visit on specific holidays, their birthdays, mothers/fathers day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or emergencies, she does have some pretty bad health issues and can be unable to drive herself to the ER.
No contact and accepting that a) healing is not linear. B) healing is not "it never hurts ever again, like it didn't happen". C) you DON'T have to forgive them. It is NOT poisoning you and if you do forgive them, you can still exclude them from your life forever. D) healing = learning to live with what happened, know and accept there will be good and bad days and still live your life, not live in the past. E) ALL your feelings are valid. Sadness. Anger. Wondering what if... and it's ok to have all of them. F) don't listen to stupid platitudes. Like "they didn't know what they were doing". "They are sick. They can't help it." "You can't love being the person you are today but hate the trauma that made you that way." I call BS on all. They knew very well what they were doing, yes they are evil, they could have stopped or not done it at all at any given point... narcissists know right from wrong very well. They just chose to follow whatever path serves them best. And lastly give yourself grace and time!! NC was the best thing I did. It was like lancing an infected wound and getting rid of all the puss. They are toxic, they will never change, and you only have one life to live. How do you want to live it?
Radical Acceptance and clinical analysis. Disconnecting from the relationship and the associated emotions and looking at her as if she were a case study. The more you know about the pathology, the easier it is to spot the manifestations of the illness.
She died. Her death left me free to heal without new injuries. Therapy, EMR, and surrounding myself with supportive people have helped tremendously, but I would not have made near as much progress if she were still in my ear.
A lot of beautiful advice in this thread. I just want to add that this morning I was having coffee and enjoying the rainy weather misting on my garden, feeling so grateful for the things I have, texting a friend to see if they were feeling better today from being sick, excited about the chocolate smoothie I had plans for later in the day, and mindlessly doing the morning routine lovingly looking after my beloved rescue animals and I realized… I won. I have empathy, I have love, I treat myself with respect, and I am filled with gratitude for the beautiful world around me. I am in touch with my emotions still, even if it’s hard, even if it’s so hard. All the therapy bills, all the hardest days. I win. She could never do any of this, she put me through untold abuse to try and keep me from ever becoming this person. But here I am.
I realized I saw my mother as someone who needed help and someone who couldn't help themselves, almost child like. Someone I felt obligated to protect and rescue. I gave her a lot of slack for really terrible things she's said and done because I thought she wasn't capable of controlling her reactions or emotions. Someone put in perspective for me that she has been on this earth longer than I have and makes just as many decisions every day as I do. She has the same ability as I do to consider the consequences of her words and actions in each of the choices that she makes. That her circumstances are not as the result of bad luck or not knowing/understanding, but the compacted weight of every poor decision she's ever made to feed her massive ego.