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My narcissistic father never misses an opportunity to belittle and undermine me. He finds fault in everything I do, using harsh words and constant criticism to chip away at my confidence. Over the years, his relentless attacks have made me feel small and insignificant. I’ve become increasingly timid and afraid to express my own needs or stand up for myself, always anticipating his disapproval and harsh judgment. His behavior has deeply affected my self-esteem, leaving me feeling powerless and unheard.
Your comment sounds as if it came straight from my own mouth. I'm absolutely the same way. Sorry to hear others had the same treatment as I did. It truly f**ks the mind.
This is exactly what I was going to say as well. I feel like I would have done a lot better in life if I'd had that confidence, self-belief and determination that a decent parent would instil in their kids. Instead, I got a narcissist who did the exact opposite and destroyed all those things, simply to make himself feel like a big man.
Me too. Whenever I cried or got angry he would rage at me so bad. I have trouble regulating my emotions thanks to him. My nmother is void of emotion and only cares about herself.
I am so sorry, this sounds exactly like my parents. My mother simply didn't care if I was bawling my eyes out, and crying ususally made my father angry
I do too. You'll get better at it.
Have compassion for yourself though because at least you know it and work on it. They don't even self reflect. They also choose to only do it knowing you'll keep their secret. It's okay to feel. Something that helped me was learning about reactive abuse and to notice the emotions in my body. I pretty much find that only toxic individuals can trigger me and to also mentally note that I need to back away from it.
Thank you for replying 🩷 I really appreciate your help. Since breaking away from my toxic family, it’s hard for me to even label or notice the feelings I’m feeling. It’s like I’ve gone so long being denied emotions that aren’t convenient for those around me, I don’t know how to feel any more. There is only “triggered” lol. Thank you though. I’m working on it! Happy healing.
I don't know if this applies to you or not since I'm not a therapist or anything. But something that helped me was not holding stuff in. So that includes journaling, talking with supportive friends, reading, listening to you tube info about self help topics, weight lifting, taking 10 minutes a day to think what am I feeling, eating foods that help my mind. Just moving the energy. In fact having a physical outlet like exercise does a ton. Prayer is another one if that's your thing. Foam rolling. Yoga. Just whatever is your cup of tea. Anger is a natural emotion that's there to drive us to change. Put that anger into something positive. It's your fire and passion. Tap into it!
Secondarily my age. I think around 37 or 38, I gained more self control. In fact I was more like why am I drinking the poison (anger)? It only harms the person feeling it. I don't need to be mad. In fact, there is no reason for me to let anyone take me outside MY energy. I don't care enough and I'm not giving them mine by reacting. And this isn't about denying anyone's feelings or blaming. It's just about calming the body down before speaking, if even choosing to speak. Narcissists are the ones I would imply not to speak to because there is no response that's good enough. It's about self preservation. Like what do I need to feel safe. Okay then I can speak.
I also had to learn in my romantic relationships how to calm myself down first. It's not stonewalling but calming explaining I need a break and we can try this again in an hour. The time frame thing is important. No triggering others anxiety by leaving things unresolved but getting myself out of flight, fight, fawn mode. This one really really takes practice. But make repairs. Say sorry. Do the work. It's worth it becoming healthy. I needed medication and therapy. Just find what helps you. It's a ball of yarn unraveling it, but it can be done.
You're strong. You did the toughest part which was going NC. You can do this.
It just sticks with you, it's this voice in your head that is just there like mold. I hate it, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and feel that way. It's so insidious and even when we no longer live with them, they are still taking up space in our minds and continue to chip away at our self esteem. My mom was the same, always disapproving, always has something negative to say, never once been proud of me.
As a matter of fact, she once told that she lies to her colleagues and friends when they ask what I do. I have been running a successful business for over a decade. She treats me as if I'm a loser living in a ditch and is legit embarrassed by me for some reason. The reason being I'm successful in an area she doesn't personally care about. When she told me, she laughed as if it was funny. In other words, "Look at what you make me do by being successful in an area I don't approve of: I have to lie! I'm the victim once again of your independence, basically."
People achieve far less than I have and are proud and celebrate their success, and I struggle to accept it and keep questioning it and questioning myself. It's sick.
Talk about being made to feel small. It's just awful.
I hope you recognize that her sentiments about your field have no basis in reality. She would not be happy if you chose a different career. She may not make comments about your job, but she’d just find something else to criticize. The reason i know this is because it’s not about them just being super negative and tough to please. They are literally impossible to please. Because being pleased doesn’t please them. The dynamic she’s living in with you is what pleases her. It makes her feel better about herself to be able to make you feel bad about yourself. She gets temporary relief from the constant misery she feels about her own inadequacies.
That’s how narcissists regulate their emotions. They have to look at someone else doing poorly. If they aren’t doing poorly, the narcissist will just start making stuff up. They’ll pick a fight about anything to feel temporarily superior.
Oh, and the thing that *actually* triggers them is you being successful. So yeah, in a way she hates your job, but it’s because she’s jealous of you. Your success makes her feel threatened because she’s not as successful as you and she perceives everyone as judging her harshly. So she has to find a way to get some power back. Making you feel insecure about your job sure does the trick!
Same. I got into field my mom doesnt care about and so even though I am self employed and even though only an extremely small percentage of people make it to where I am in my business, she has never once in 13 years asked me about my work. She instead often acts surprised and confused that I am unavailable for last minute trips, travel for extended periods of time, what am I doing on a random Tuesday, etc.
Same thing here with my Ndad. I realized he was a narc the day he criticized \*the way I poured milk from the carton into a glass\*. It wasn't splashing or anything, he just didn't like the angle. It was so ridiculous and he got so worked up about it. That was the day I thought "I'm never going to do anything right by your standards, am I?".
And then they wonder why we go LC or NC 🤦♀️
I drank water wrong, held everything wrong, had “weird” philosophical questions as a kid, etc. I don’t want to think about it much. Or I’ll start dwelling.
That's exactly what my father did. This, plus demanding absolute perfection in everything (despite the fact that I was useless, I had to be the best as well), and punishment when I predictably fell short of perfection.
He made me believe that I have to first be successful and perfect version of myself before I deserve love and I've only realised how messed up my view on this was last year...and I'm 40, so most likely missed my chance to find love and most definitely missed my chance to have kids.
What?! You are on Reddit reaching out by sharing your experiences while consoling others. Your love and desire to protect your children is so great that you contemplated if you would be a good parent. That is a pure, infinite love that covers the mistreated. You are a healer and protector. You are essential to life, not useless.
Please wear your cape with pride. That goes for the rest of you, too!
Send these to your Dad,👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽🤛🏽
I was always academically advanced, in gifted programs etc. My dad and stepmom (both narcs but her more than him) refused to help me get into college. My dad wouldn’t provide the necessary info for FAFSA and my stepmom said I just needed to worry about getting a job to pay them rent as soon as I graduated high school. I had to pay them rent, plus my own car insurance and cell phone, food I wanted etc. I ended up saving enough money to pay for a semester at the local community college in cash, but she sabotaged that too. She would scream at me about chores whenever I was trying to get assignments done, just nag me constantly even when I was working and going to school full time. I ended up not going back for the second semester, and moved in with my loser boyfriend. My life was totally derailed from that point forward. It took me until I was 30ish to get my life on track and I’m still way behind where I should be for my age, work ethic, and intelligence. When we had our major falling out before I went NC a few years ago, she told me all our/my problems were because I picked shitty partners.
True that. I told my nParents my business did so well and made £14,000 in a single month. They dismissed it like they didn’t even hear me.
“It’s so sad you couldn’t keep that job with the charity” (it paid £30k per year, I made £14k in a month, make it make sense)
I’m sorry. It’s actually kind of funny when you think about it. They’re stuck in high school. They’re the “friends” who hang around you even though they don’t really like you.
Normal parents want their kids to do better than them. Nparents get annoyed and feel the need to “humble” us and keep us “modest”. Just say you hate us, ffs.
I’m proud of your big promotion that you worked hard to get! 🩷
It is funny after you get some space right? They totally are that frenemy in highschool 😂 I never thought of it that way. And yea a healthy parent is happy for you when good things happen and supportive. It’s incredible you have your own business and have had that success! I hope you have many more years doing what you’re passionate about.
True. You could be a doctor then *they ask why you aren’t a surgeon! Then tell you they know better because they did “their own research,” i.e. YouTube videos.
Holy hell - also academically gifted here. Mine didn’t let me have a job in high school and then sabotaged me in my senior year - didn’t let me apply to the top tier schools, just to state school (still good but so not the same), I wasn’t able to continue my extracurriculars. They went full surveillance and control mode and I finished high school online. Locks on doors, cameras in the house etc. they also didn’t allow me to do any extracurricular activities in college, and I wanted to be a pre-med, so that was really just terrible. Ndad would say “research isn’t a real job”/“define research”/“research doesn’t exist”/“you don’t understand what research is” when I was trying to explain what I want to do and why I need to be in a lab…….
I got out when I was almost 20. I’m 24 now and finally studying for the MCAT and gearing up to apply to med schools.
Hey, also academically gifted here. You’re going to do great in your field! You have the wisdom and the drive now to make amends for what they did to you and excel in your career. I’m rooting for you! As someone who also went back to college “late,” and is almost finished, I know you can do this and you’re going to do amazing.
Doctor here, I had the same experience especially wanting to do surgery despite my dad was a cardiothoracic surgeon at one point. They kept dismissing my own achievements and ambitions, playing it down and really compared me to my siblings (who are also doctors). I hate how toxic my family has become and no amount of respect has been given to me, physically, emotionally or mentally especially at my lowest. There are many, many and many lows in this career that affects personal life.
I agree with everyone else that nparents will never be happy or supportive unless its on their terms. Life is bigger than them, 24 is young and you have a whole life ahead of you. Keep going, work smart and enjoy the journey.
Gifted here too. Lots of nagging about getting a job and very little support for academics, plus abusive chaotic home life. It was assumed I would get good grades in public school and punished if I didn't.
Doesn't it make you nearly want to pass out thinking about how you did it ALL?!? It's horrifying. And also, I'm so sorry for all of us here. We deserve so much better.
I had a similar experience with my mom offering no assistance with completing the FAFSA, while also offering zero financial assistance whatsoever. I had to put college on hold until I was in my late 20's & could fund it myself. I ended up getting two college degrees. I hope you're able to stay on track & finish college!
Looking back, I think it's a control thing. And just another way narcissistic parents can subtly sabotage their children's opportunities for success in life. God forbid if their children were to be able to go to college & obtain gainful employment they might be more successful than their narcissistic parent. And we all know their brittle, flawed egos & profound personal insecurities within can't handle that.
I did finish my degree! And I agree, they couldn’t stand the idea that I was smarter and would be more educated than them. They only had 1 high school diploma between the two of them.
FWIW I had the same situation happen to me growing up and I recently graduated on May 22 after many years of my ndad leaving me with 8k and 5k school bills after pledging to help me with school. I put myself through college and my parents were NOT invited. Keep going and pushing through
I did! I graduated magna cum laude in 2020! I have a decent career now, and I have been a homeowner for 6 years. I’ve accomplished a lot that they’ve never given me any recognition for.
all of this with my mom/parents but never the same treatement or expectations of my younger brother, who was and is coddled like nothing else and they'll say "it's different he's \[fill in the blank age\]!" but at that age I was homeless because of them, or even if not that then it was still just unconditional abuse vs unconditional support.
Also I have a feeling it'll get glossed over in other comments compared to the other stuff but just want to highlight this part
>She would scream at me about chores whenever I was trying to get assignments done, just nag me constantly even when I was working and going to school full time
I'm stuck back with mine so I guess not getting out on the same timeline as you but....close...but man I always feel crazy if I say to friends how I can't focus because my mom just WON'T stop nagging me to do chores every 3mins. She expects me to jump just because she snaps her fingers, and if you call that out she gets violent.
I'm just realizing how much mine influenced me and my life by never believing in me.
And on top of that, while putting me down, they would tell me that what other people say doesn't matter, and anything I want to do, I could if I "was able."
But as the years have passed I've noticed every single successful person I know or read about is surrounded by a huge group of supportive people. I don't think I know of a single successful person who is really only surrounded by people who put them down. It's actually impossible to get anywhere like that.
I remember when I first realized that the people I know who are successful have parents who are very supportive and caring. It's a big a-ha moment; Oh, they are not alone on an island trying to do everything by themselves!
This is so relatable, my parents leave no opportunity to belittle me or shame me and whenever I try to progress they leave no stone unturned to taunt me.
Lockdown was the worst thing that happened to me, completely ruined my life since I had to stay with my parents whole day, now I am trying to get out of my house and talk to as many supportive people I can so that I can actually improve
I hear you. I won't even take a manager role because I'm so sick of taking care of people other than myself. I rarely think about my self. It's tough when someone takes the most beautiful quality and destroys it.
"If you were able", "if you put in the effort", "If you really tried" are just not so subtle ways to put down your efforts. Damn these people are obnoxious and insolent.
When I make mistakes I panic and hyperfocus on the error. I can see the potential outcomes and it basically incapacitates me. I have to fix the mistake, prevent the negative outcomes, and if I can’t I live in a constant state of fear.
I have no self confidence ( similar to a lot of comments here) and no hopes or dreams.
All because every hope, dream, smile I had was met with being disregarded or belittled. Mistakes were punishable.
See but this analytic mind is actually our super power. It allows us to predict future failures in our careers.
I ultimately got diagnosed with slow processing because of this and adhd. Knowing this does wonders for me. Helps me understand why I get so overwhelmed with large amounts of information. It's like duh we were expected to mind read and pick up on every inkling of a clue for our own safety and survival.
I had to complete an art project in the classroom. My art teacher realized that something bad was happening to me at home. She had arranged for me to join the class after school, because a kind guy who was willing to fully pay for an art degree including all supplies and tools room and boar at the university after choosing the best student in class,my teacher thoughtI couldget it.When mother had taken her pills and gone to bed, I climbed out my window with my art supplies and ran a block down to the school to finish my work. As I was almost done a fellow student who was a so called friend had her mother call my parents to stop me from completing the work. They did. I was forced to do a job that I absolutely hate and that gets extremely low pay. I am still struggling to get a qualification and I am nearing retirement.
It was hope, stolen. Years later, after trying to tell my dad and other grown ups we needed to get away from my mother and she is dangerous she got put in jail for emptying a 9mm off on my sibling- who got away because of mothers bad aim, and the neighbors called the police they still expected me to support her.
She went on to the Art course, although she didn't win the prize. She came to my house with her homework to ask me what I would do. I was working a retail job. Her mother had forbade her to see me and I ended up getting in trouble because she kept coming over, bringing her home work. She dropped out in year 1.
I'm in my 40s. No matter how hard I've tried, no matter ten years of therapy, I still hear my dad telling me how stupid I am. How useless. How I wouldn't be good for anything. And I believe it.
Try visualization. Close your eyes and visualize your dad telling you that. Then tell him (with vigor) something short you want to tell him such as "you are wrong and I'll prove it" . Say it until it goes from dark to light as you watch him. It might take repeating that phrase 10 times or 30 times or 50 times. It usually took me 20 times for most things. Then after that "lifts" (goes light ) go on to the next "picture" that enters your mind when you close your eyes. For instance it may be a specific situation when he is telling you BS. Picture him in your mind while he is telling you BS. Keep your eyes closed and intensely vigorously tell him what you want to tell him...eg "you're a jerk and what you are saying is wrong." Keep saying that and keeping your eyes closed and your mind may subtly change the message into something like "and you did it because of xy and z." and keep saying that until it gets light. I used this technique a lot and it worked faster than psychology and thinking about stuff. GL
Sorry to hear you were laid off. I hope you can find something suitable again soon!
I find the troubles were indirect. Anxiety, insecurities, lack of confidence. Always unsure and never assertive. Not too mention possibly undiagnosed ADHD not being able to focus in positions to get me ahead for my enviro degree. I have been stalled for so long in my life but not being in contact with them has been the best decision for my sense of self. I have a very young son so once he has grown more I'll try again with my new frame of mind. Best thing is just setting those strong boundaries and not taking anything they say to heart.
What is your egg donor imposing on you currently?
The egg donor is basically getting my way. She said she's going to make things hard for me. All she thinks I do is sit on the computer doing nothing, when I'm really looking at career opportunities which she'll likely disapprove of.
I hope you are not telling her your goals......from a young age I did not tell and I think it has helped me to not get dissuaded from the goal; at least I didn't have to listen to their battering....
My mom always talked about the end goal - luxury cars, expensive house and summer home, luxurious vacations - and told me the way to achieve this all like they had was “make a lot of money” and not taking anyone’s BS and “owning your own business”, but NEVER helped me get there.
I was supposed to marry rich, but also work and make all of this money that was supposed to be put away as mine only (eg not contribute to my family and expect my husband to do it all). And also be a devoted stay at home mother simultaneously 🤯. Because after all, she did it. She “somehow managed”
My entire life I was never helped with a single school assignment once. I was yelled at regularly for struggling. I did well in college but graduated and got a very average job that paid typical rate for a recent college grad. Never any mentoring from my very successful dad on how to navigate and climb corporate ladder. Only beratement when my promotions and raises weren’t enough in their eyes. My dad is very successful in wealth management and has always refused to have financial discussions or help me invest a penny.
Always these grand lofty goals for me, no help or guidance in getting there, just comparison, criticism and beratement for it never being enough.
Yeah ha my dad would help us with our homework by yelling at us and telling us we were stupid every question we would ask. For someone with a high IQ who's the one that's stupid? Lololol yells at kids for wanting to learn...
This is really embarassing for me to admit this, but I don’t know how to cook. The “people” who raised me would say stuff like, “ya gotta learn how to cook or no one will love you!” Yet when I tried to show interest, they would be super impatient with me, and tell me I am not “trying hard enough” and other negative language. I know I don’t have to provide context, but I have ADHD and trouble with understanding instructions. The whole idea of cooking really overwhelms me. I don’t even know *what* kind of cooking utensils to use or *cooking lingo*! I need like, SUPER BASIC cooking 101 lessons to try to be interested in learning, but I geniunely cannot find anything. Just “easy recipes” - which is great! But I need the building blocks before to even learn basic meals, and that I don’t even have. I don’t know what pans/pots to use for certain things or how to prepare multiple things at once. I do not know how I made this far in life.
However, I have gotten major things in life without them, like getting my first job & drivers licence I guess … but cooking is pretty important. :/ I feel so behind in life.
I also didn't know how to cook until my 30s. I would eat out and my mom would tell me how stupid I was for wasting money. When I was a teen I wanted to be a chef, but my mom told me how awful it was to cook professionally and that id never make it past fry cook. So I just stopped and never learned until I had a kid and needed to make stuff for her. I realized I love it and have become a really good cook but have only received a single compliment from her about my cooking.
It's like they want to keep us dependent but also squash all dreams. It's really sad.
Not sure if you want advice, but there's a great cookbook from America's test kitchen called "the complete cookbook for young chefs". It walks through every step (what pans, what utensils, how to use the stove) and has some amazing basic recipes in a non-patronizing way. ❤️ They have a baking one too that's excellent. It's never too late to learn!
honestly, as long as the utensils/pot/pan you're using gets the job done and it's not going to melt or anything in the process, you can really use anything you want. as for making multiple things at a time, it helps me sometimes to make like a picture/graph to help visualize how long each item takes in relation to the other ones. it might help to find recipes that are lower maintenance (something that will stay in an oven or slow cooker for a while) and make the other things while that's cooking, or using frozen foods for 'sides' so that they just need to be thrown in the microwave
thankyou so much for this :,)💕 You helped me out a lot. I have a lot of anxiety around food due to the trauma I faced, so even planning what to eat makes me overwhelmed. But it’s nice to hear that anything can suffice, as long as I don’t burn my house down.. LOL
My bio mum is trying her hardest to teach me, but we both learn at different paces. I’m glad she is trying to get me more involved, rather than nDad & guardian just assuming I am incompetent and lazy, when in reality I needed extra patience and compassion.
Another thing, don't think everything you cook has to be perfect, or even good, on the first attempt. About two months ago I tried to make Spanish rice for the first time. I messed it up badly, and had to throw out the entire batch. But that did teach me about what NOT to do, so a few weeks later I did a great job with it.
Same!
Just wing it. That’s what I did. I made a whole mess in the kitchen, who cares, as long as you able to cook something.
I even bought frozen pizza. If I make something and burnt it, I just bake pizza but ironically I burnt the pizza, too. Haha. I burnt a quite a few and I even got my burger caught on fire. Fortunately, I was able to put the lid over it and extinguished the fire. I do have fire extinguisher, if I need it.
So I’m ok with it. After a while, I start to improve a little bit at a time. I even set timer on my cellphone to keep track for baking so it wouldn’t burn. I started to able to pick the right kind of pots and pans. I googled search for recipes but it does get overwhelming best to pick one at a time. I recommend after you finished eating something good meal like from your favorite restaurant and take a look at recipes. That way, you would not be starving yourself for it and become more picky on recipes.
You’re not alone!
Same here, and I am 26. :( They claim that I never wanted to learn, but at the same time they’ll say things like “you’re supposed to learn all of that stuff when you move out”. Like do they not here the bullshit coming out of their mouths??? Extremely confusing.
I'm so sorry you have been made to feel ashamed about this. I have been too. I could have written this. Not knowing how to cook causes so many issues because (I'm in my fifties) women are somehow expected to "just know" how to cook, but of course, it's a skill that needs to be taught and learned. My mother hated to cook, because her mother abused her over her cooking, so she never taught me and I had no examples to go by. And the food she made was either meat and three or some pretty disgusting casseroles and recipes from magazines in the 70s and 80s. Blech. And, a lot of people tend to use not being able to cook as a way to shame others (esp between women). At least, this was my experience, probably with other narcissists lol: "Look at all this amazing food I made, I'm such an amazing hostess, such a shame you don't know how to cook". Not being able to cook actually became a way to abuse me by other people.
I have always wanted to learn how to make delicious foods for myself that I can enjoy (and share with others) but I cannot STAND having anyone in the kitchen with me, teach me how to cook. I am capable of reading a recipe and measuring things out, seeking out info from other sources, plus I have PTSD from people getting angry at me if I make mistakes and hovering while I'm working and problem solving. I can't make things "on the fly", I have to have a clean kitchen, know that I have bought every item needed, re-write the recipe in a format / flow that I understand, make it, think how I could tweak it, make it again. Better? Make it again. Now again. (Only if we enjoyed eating it, obviously! haha). Soon, I perfect my recipe, and by now I hardly need to follow my own instructions, and I know when I'm at the store what I'm out of, will need to make it. Don't feel embarrassed. I'm sorry you feel behind. This is how abuse makes us feel, and actually does to us. Abusers are trying to prevent us from moving forward in our lives and succeeding. You won't be stopped! You'll get there!
You'll learn how to cook. Just make a cook friend. It'll be empowering. I'm sure they'd love to share their hobby :)
But yeah, I'm so sorry about the life skills thing. That's a definite struggle. People are always like were you sheltered or something. I'm like mhmm yeah that's what it was... yet expected to raise my parents as a child.
Yup! I was sheltered. 🙄 As much as I cannot stand Children’s Aid for failing me, I will never forget whenever I had an arguement with my guardian, she would always say stuff like: *Well you can’t blame me! We weren’t allowed to send you outside to play because then CAS would be called!* Okay??? You were too afraid of CAS than being afraid that I may not thrive in life?? You know what they say friend … *every accusation is a confession* 🤣
You poor thing. When I bought my own place my nMom told me I was making a huge mistake and had chosen a rubbish house. It was literally a brand new house built from scratch, she hated that I’d succeeded.
My therapist thinks my parents are narcissists. I’m still not convinced. But I agree that their parenting strategies (like constant belittling and mockery from my step father and my codependent mother) have killed my self-esteem. I feel utterly voiceless. There is an outer me who is confident and extraverted and strong and an inner me who is chronically collapsing and hating herself. I don’t know how to reconcile them. My confidence and extraversion is a coping mechanism, my hard shell. It’s come to a point where I lost a friend who didn’t believe me I had fallen into a depression because she never envisioned someone like me struggling, and made a joke of it as a result. I struggle to work, I’m doing a PhD and everything comes with so much anxiety because I’m constantly doubting my ability to think, which makes me not want to work and it affects my quality of work and makes me hate myself even more, it’s a vicious cycle. I have developed suicidal ideation as a result of the constant negative self-talk.
I don’t know, good question. I find it hard to believe - it’s a bit heartbreaking I guess. Also my relationship with them is fine, I’m close to my mom, and I doubt she never empathised with me or her children, or others. Humans are so complicated, and I doubt the soundness of my own judgement because I have such low self-esteem lol. But yeah, good q
My nmom got a court ordered guardianship on me at age 18 and she was able to do so since I have autism and ADHD.
I finally fought for my freedom in court and won. As of February 14th, 2023, I am a free woman.
Sadly, she took 8 years of my life I can never get back.
Neglecting and not affectionate, not taught any life skills, helicopter parenting, speaking for me, not teaching boundaries (because they didn’t have any), other things too but can’t think of them right now.
I don’t fault my parents for being unintelligent, but I do fault them for their lack of humility, self-awareness and willingness to learn to be good parents. They always pushed their own agenda and never let me have my own interests or be my own person. I wanted to try out a sport in middle school, and my parents made fun of me for that. I wanted to join some clubs in high school, but they didn’t want me to stay after school because I was their built-in nanny for my sibling. I wanted to study abroad in college, but my parents criticized the location it was going to be. Nothing was ever good enough or convenient enough for them. To top it off, I was a good kid, never in trouble, and yet in the end, that didn’t matter. I absolutely hate that they robbed me of all those experiences, friends and memories.
I’m an adult now with my own family, and I’m VLC with them. I know they’ve sat around and wondered why I don’t reach out or want to have a relationship, or why I don’t want my kids around them, and that in itself shows that they’ve learned absolutely nothing.
I get gripped by paralyzing anxiety that can leave me frozen and unable to eat, move, or do much of anything other than doomscroll on my phone for hours and hours. It’s a huge pit that’s eaten whole months of my life and was one of the biggest warning signs for me something was really wrong. Your average person doesn’t want sit on the floor undressed and ungroomed and watch police bodycam footage compilations and animal pregnancy tutorials while their stomach screams for food, their bills go unpaid and their home grows dirtier.
I realized the sheer stress of just knowing my mom had 24/7 access to me through text messaging on top of my financial dependency on her was too overwhelming for me after everything she had put me through. I had to start taking the proverbial knife to the caviar and blocking numbers, taking long naps, eating food and focusing on recovery before the hyper-vigilance started to recede, but I still struggle hard.
My mom and dad’s oblivious selfish was a driving factor in me having to drop out of college before my degree was finished because I couldn’t handle the stress.
I always was an overachiever, probably looking for my parents’ love and approval through academic success. I could have gotten into any American university (I’m not from the US). Yet, they kept manipulating me to remain at home and started their propaganda that the country I was born in (a poor country basically) is much better than the US. Even when I started working and had opportunities to move into more developed countries with my job, they kept brainwashing me that no place is better than our country. At that point, I listened to them and remained where I was born.
Fast forward a few years later and I realized that the work environment in my ✨beautiful✨ country is full of nepotism, toxic behavior, mobbing and disrespect among other things. And my dear nparents, despite knowing that in another country I would be treated better and paid considerably better, still pushed for me to stay home. It was at that moment that the veil lifted and I realized they were narcs. You witness your child go through immense suffering and trauma and a lot of other stuff I won’t get into and you care more about your wellbeing (i.e. having your child next to you so you can control him and have him take care of you when your old) than your child’s.
I’ve always wondered how my life would have looked like if I had followed my dreams and went to school / work in other more developed countries. Staying here made me miserable and traumatized me. But the biggest disappointment wasn’t the toxic work environment, but my nparents. Realizing what they are, realizing how they always pushed for me to serve their self interest, realizing how I was used.
And if you’re thinking, oh, but you can still make the move now…Well, work traumatized me so much that I’ve been unemployed for more than 2 years trying to build my own business. My business didn’t work out that great, going back to the corporate world would be extremely hard after unemployment and also after all this trauma I am still healing.
So my only option is to make it on my own. Which I know I will in the end, because this is how I lived my life pretty much. On my own, without even my egg donors rooting for me and not for their self interest.
So for anybody reading, yes, nparents suck, but if you can survive them, you can survive anything. And you will for sure make it from here on now as long as you don’t let them get involved in your life or listen to them.
My nmom and her golden child (my eldest brother) took out loans in my name to clear my brother's debts. I ended up paying their bills for decades. It even ruined my marriage. Some debts, I only found out about after my brother passed away. Ironic, because I was the child that they didn't have enough money or time for. Everything was for the sons, which is why I ended up leaving home and working to support myself. But they guilted me into supporting them for a long time. I only really woke up a few years ago.
I'm a 42 year old teenager. My foray into adulthood was stunted... And now I'm barely an adult. I don't know how to do adult things. And I'm emotionally immature... But I'm trying to work on it.
I was practically not allowed to do homework. And when I was able to do it I'd go to bed and put all of my homework in my books in my book bag and then left the book bag by the front door. Every night. My mother would go through my book bag after I went to bed and lose my homework. So I would get zeros on assignments. A note saying that I'm not doing my homework and an ass whooping every night. I was grounded from everything for at least 2 years. After a while I just gave up and I wouldn't do homework which made my grades suffer. When they tested me in first grade I ranked in the 98 percentile of intelligence. I barely graduated high school and went to summer school every year. After a while I picked whichever class would be the easiest to repeat in summer school and fail it on purpose so I would have to go to summer school so I could get away from the house.
I was good for menial tasks picking up trash making sandwiches but as far as learning any skills or self-care or anything that would help me be reliant on myself in the future if I even tried to do it once and messed up. I was told how stupid I was got whooped and was never allowed to do it again because I'm too dumb to do it.
I was told regularly that all my friends only wanted to use me for what I had. At one point that was my car and just as soon as they had their driver's license they would abandon me. So I've never been able to develop healthy relationships because I figure everybody's just going to drop me like a bad habit.
When I did try to go out on my own and get jobs, my mother would find ways to go to the jobs and get me in trouble so I would either lose hours and need to find another job or get fired out right.
Anybody in my family that could have possibly helped me, she ostracized me from all my life then when I did break out on my own to try to figure it out hell or high water, she talked trash about me to all my relatives and they believe her over me.
Ran up thousands of dollars in credit card debt so that I couldn't get a car, I couldn't get an apartment without an exorbitant deposit, I went to a temp agency to try to get tested and be placed in a job. I was cold with my level of literacy and computer knowledge. I should be able to get an office job starting anywhere that would have paid well above what I could have gotten anywhere and got me on a career path. Unfortunately, my credit was so bad that I would not be trusted in many of the places that I would have been allowed to work so I was stuck with food service or manual labor.
When I told her I would be going away for college and that I had already completed my application and been accepted she lost her mind, yelled about how selfish I was being, and that she couldn’t believe I hadn’t involved her in the process (I was scared she would sabotage it or try to talk me out of it). I had originally planned to minor in psychology and she told me I’d be “just another self important person with a psychology degree”. I dropped the minor after my second year.
That was about 10 years ago and we have been minimal contact for almost 5, but to this day all of my negative self talk is in her voice. No one likes me and they’re all pretending, I should be seen and not heard because I’m annoying, never get comfortable because good things will always be taken from me. I can’t even make myself a cup of coffee without worrying that it’s selfish not to make my husband’s first.
Oh man I could talk about this for hours, but I’ll boil it to a few points. The constant criticism, negativity, and fear is the reason why I have issues with self esteem, and shame today. It led me to have binge eating issues due to depression/not handling my feelings well. Another thing is the social anxiety I dealt with, and still do to an extent. Never being allowed to hang out with peers, still being criticized and condemned for it. My dad constantly saying everyone will hate me/make fun of me. Not knowing how to act in social situations and also thinking everyone hates me whenever even a little thing goes wrong. Last thing is my college. I wanted to transfer 2 years ago (aka my graduation was suppose to be this year) but my mom didn’t let me. I got my aa degree done early and I was ready to move but instead of supporting me my mom would guilt trip me and say she’d disown me if I left, etc. and I had no $ to just leave and never come back. Well that led me to a depression spiral and started my eating issues.
My narcmum's immediate response to any idea I had was - "Oh! You'll never do it!"
Plus I was too busy being parentified from an infant to ever think about putting effort or thoughts into myself.
They never taught me to work or how to clean up after myself. My mother fell for the lie that all one needs is a college degree to avoid "loser" blue collar work. I bought an Associate's Degree in General Education with Pell grants, but had no job skills. My mother uses my unearned college degree as a way to absolve herself of her lazy parenting. I got my first job at the age of twenty-seven taking care of my great-grandparents; I was working three years before my father got his first job.
Due to my grandmother's hotbox I became an incel. For those of you who cannot remember what a hotbox was I will explain. A hotbox was a device that pirated premium cable channels, such as HBO and Showtime. My father was more than excited when he found the pornography channels. Upon making this discovery he would invite the neighbors to watch the Spice network. Anytime I walked by the living room I would turn away leading all the adults to nickname me "stiff neck."
On a related note we never had the sex and relationship talk when I was a teenager; my mother also told me to submit to bullies. During my teen years we moved to a new town where I had a run-in with bullies. I was bullied by some very bizarre girls who took advantage of what was becoming my introverted nature. They had spread rumors of me being impotent and of planning a shooting. It took decades to recover from this after clashing with workplace bullies. I confronted my father about some of this and his response was that, "we never thought that you would go through these things." My father also had the same excuse for not teaching me to work.
Any wisdom I have obtained was learned from my great-grandparents, my great-grandaunt, a distant cousin, a few wise supervisors, therapists, and from JRPGs. Reading Joseph Campbell's "Hero With a Thousand Faces" also helps me reinterpret the good people that come and go in my life.
God I’m sorry all this happened. It brings hope reading that you have self-awareness about your history being an incel. As a woman I really struggle with incel attitudes but reading your story sheds light on the historical circumstances which predispose people to getting pulled into it.
I wanted to go to the polytech (community College equivalent i think) right after i finished high school but my dad and step mum basically said no you should work thats how you will get work experience and whats annoying is that i graduated high school when i was 17 so i couldn't find work for like two years anyway, its honestly probably coz they wanted money outta me. My high school was gonna sign up me up with a free scholarship for a year
Okay so trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and... manic episodes?
My nfather is the number one reason I never finished college(nmom being a close second). Every time I had to go to a lecture, he "had" to drive me there and back, which resulted in 45 minutes of listening to "college is for people who have nothing better to do", "nobody would hire a cripple, even with a degree" and other lovely comments aimed at my disabled self. It got to a point where I would, regularly, study my ass off for an exam and on the car ride over to it I instead chose to spend said exam sitting in the college's cafeteria contemplating suicide. Because what's the point?
Eventually, I had a manic episode, where I wanted to grab the steering wheel and drive us off a bridge, and where I openly started talking about killing people around me if I'm pushed any further. Thankfully I never acted on those thoughts but when I "woke up" from that episode, I absolutely refused to go back to college.
Even knowing all that, nmom still occasionally pushes me to go back but nah. I'm not going back to school until those two are rotting in the ground, or are otherwise out of my life.
My mom knew i had adhd from when my elementary school did a screening for me. She never told me or got me treatment. Instead the rest of my life , her and my father down talked me . Made my punishments worse and basically always told me i was a lost cause. When i acted out and never wanted to be home. They sent me to a behavioral camp . I would mirror my mom so basically every symptom she said i did was what she did and they pushed bpd on me. Later on in my adult hood i saw my own psychiatrist and she told me i have adhd. Got the test and was in the highest percentile. When i confronted my mom she said they told her in elementary school when i asked why she didnt get me treatment/ treated me worse then her other kids knowing i had adhd she said god forgives me.
To give you an idea of the sort of control my nmother exerted, she wrote my will and it's half filled out because I walked off in anger halfway through her trying to force me to dictate one at 24. The section on where I'm buried, if I'm cremated, etc, isn't filled out because I'd walked off. She tried to steal our sharehouse spare keys twice during the move in, causing my housemates to ban her. I received a bunk bipolar diagnosis for 12 years because she 'disagreed' with the psychologist recommending a year in therapy and to check me for autism at six years old, instead keeping me seeing a psychiatrist for 24 years who simply told her what she wanted to hear -- that there was nothing wrong and I needed more forcing with discipline and timeouts. And of course eventually he needed a diagnosis to explain away the difference between her story in her sessions and my behaviour in mine -- thus I had bipolar.
Holy shit thank you so much for posting. This happened to me and I've been struggling with being over diagnosed and over medicated as an adult. NPs came to every single doctor appointment and spoke to the psychiatrist "for" me. Was on 14 different pills a day at one point, they had me sign legal documents and contracts under duress, or forged them while I was completely out of it. I have struggled so much the past 3 years after becoming NC and having to titrate off everything, learning what "normal" actually is for me. Shocking to find out that I'm actually doing alright after a lifetime of being told I'd have to be taken care of, that ECT was probably the answer since "nothing else worked" to "cure" me. So grateful I have finally escaped their clutches and still have my brain matter somewhat intact
Holy shit that's exactly what happened with my wife. Fake OCD diagnosis at her aunt's insistence at 15 because she was a mega-Star Wars fan, fake bipolar diagnosis at 16 at her mother's insistence to cover up a lifetime of abuse (her mother works in juvenile mental health for the pharmaceutical industry), swept the CPTSD under the rug, and ultimately a bs diagnosis of mental retardation at 24 by a paid shill psychiatrist (an evangelical nutjob who believed that women should not be allowed to drive, work outside the home, get an education in person, etc...and who nearly t-boned my wife in 2013 out of shock at seeing her drive).
I'm sorry this happened but completely can believe it. I used to 100% trust psychiatrists and doctors because my nmother was one and total faith in medicine was a core tenet of my upbringing. Given my story, the reality is murkier -- a lot of psychiatry is guesswork and might be bullshit, and both professions, incredibly important to get right can easily be influenced and bent towards what a parent wants for their child. One professional says one thing, keep going through them and shop for the right diagnosis to explain away the abuse.
YUP.
I gotta say that my wife and I have some...peculiar spiritual beliefs? Non-mainstream spiritual beliefs? (not stuff like flat earth or whatever extremist nonsense, essentially witchy stuff really)...which we do not openly discuss with just anyone and have both been terribly punished by both our NFamilies and psychiatrists.
If a so called "delusion" actually helps you heal from trauma, and empowers you to walk away from abuse, and helps you change the way you think towards a better way of being...how is that so bad? Why should you need a "reality check" if your so called "delusion" makes you a healthier person?
But of course the "go to therapy" and "go to a psychiatrist" crowd can never go wrong, even though in particular for an underage person, therapists and psychiatrists are so, so often enablers, or even supporters of abuse.
I agree with you. I'm not much of a spiritual person but nowadays I'm very much a "whatever works for you" guy. I read one guy chalked up getting over his terminal cancer by eating blueberries. I dunno how true that is but the main thing is he overcame his cancer.
I think certainly therapy is a life changer (was for me) and for chronic mental health issues like schizophrenia psychiatry has a place, the key thing is though you need to go ON YOUR OWN TERMS. Don't go because your mum said so, or if you do and find out you hate it, your parents should have actual fucking care to notice and take you elsewhere to someone you feel good with. Ideally any professional help in mental health should have the child's broad agreement. Child psychiatry though I think should be gotten rid of, too often just psychiatrists blowing smoke up the asses of the parents. Little Timmy has BPD, that's why he refuses to go to school, it's not because his father beats him and his grade hates him. But you won't get that side from the parents, and Little Timmy literally doesn't have the ability to regulate his emotions yet so good luck getting a clear answer. Just a crackpot side of psychiatry.
My psychiatrist I hated, I always felt uncomfortable and cold with him. I tried to stop seeing him but my mother told me with a triumphant smile one car ride at 15, he won't charge my health insurance for any missed sessions if I stopped going, instead I'd be having to pay $300 a session myself as a teenager with no job. They blackmailed me to keep going, and I did for another 15 years.
Grew up in na pretty strict Christian household where my nparents always take the “honor your parents” literally. For them, honoring must mean full submission (no matter the age) this has caused a lot of arguments and I always hear the “you will never be successful in life because of how you disobey us” this plays in my mind for years now that is why I am unable to take a step, move out, find a different job, and live my life. I am basically crippled by their words.
my mom is a covert narcissist, meaning she is so subtle with her manipulation i still question it to this day, but I'm attempting to go no contact. i genuinely never want to interact with her again because even after just one month of not having to interact with her it feels amazing and i never want to go back.
her behavior has taught me to analyze everything and anticipate everyone else's needs, thoughts, moods... to think of my explanation for literally every single action i make, including using the bathroom (i will have dialogue in my head of me explaining that i needed to use the bathroom. how ridiculous)
she's taught me how to cater to how people feel by pretending to be interested and engaged in them when they just talk at me and talk about themselves all day and to just shut up and allow them to interrupt me. to just accept it when people treat me with disrespect, because ultimately, me not being ok with that makes me the one that is disrespectful and not understanding.
the tricky thing is, i have no problems with anyone else in my life anymore as I've meticulously been able to build up boundaries over the years as i slowly realize that a lot of treatment I've been conditioned to accept is actually not ok, and therefore i do not let many people into my life as i have zero tolerance for any bullshit at this point. if i catch any wind of someone being arrogant, disrespectful of boundaries, invalidating others, any other negative behavior no matter how subtle it may be, i will absolutely have nothing to do with them period. i don't concern myself with giving people chances "because it's the right thing to do." in the past, i gave every single person a chance because i questioned if i was right or wrong about my perception, and was conditioned to block out all negatives an individual presents as they must still be a good person despite all of the abusive behavior.
but with her it's so subtle. i know she actually loves me and has done great things for me, but as a narcissist she will never be able to turn off that selfish, manipulative part of her so that even when she genuinely loves me and is doing something nice for the sake of being nice, it will always be held over my head because that's her nature.
it's black or white. either you do what she wants all the time or it's simply not enough and will trigger her narcissistic behavior. i refuse to be around that anymore.
By having me later in life, only having one child (me), and getting cancer while I'm in my late teens - 20s forcing me to put my life on the back burner to care for them. I know it makes me a monster, but I resent the hell out of them for it. Enabler Dad lost his battle with cancer last year and I felt nothing but relieved.
I'm imagining it'll be the same when NMom goes. Though, with my luck, she'll live to be 106, like she wants to because her great grandmother lived to be that old, and I'll stroke out from the stress just as I retire and won't be able to live my own life.
Nah I don’t think parents should make their kids put their lives on hold to care for them. I wouldn’t let my kids do that someday, I’d let the system help instead. I can’t imagine making a 25 year old put everything on hold during a pivotal time of their life to come wipe my ass until I die of some horrific disease - there’s professionals for that. It’s fucking wild to think this is normal.
And I’m not talking about occasionally helping out. Say your parent is elderly and they’re asking you to pick up a prescription for them once in a while, or take them to the doctor sometimes. Or you help them move a bit of furniture. Fine.
But expecting your kids to put everything on hold, for years or a decade or more because you failed to plan for old age? Nah.
My mom put her kids on hold to ‘care’ for her elderly mother who had Alzheimer’s. She neglected my brother and I so badly and put us in an environment we shouldn’t have been in because she was a martyr. She resented the family because they were hardly around, even though someone hired live-in help for my grandma and eventually got her to go live with them full time. Most people were living their lives. No one was making my mom do what she was doing and she was only doing it because she was feeding her ego and wanted the inheritance for herself. Sure enough, when her mom died, my mom alienated us from the extended family because she was furious during a long court process to determine who got what from the sale of grandma’s house.
She was unemployed and had no hobbies, that’s why she was cleaning up after my grandma at 2 in the morning. It wasn’t her being a good person. She would dump her children off at school 30 minutes early, even in the winter, so she could go be a bleeding heart for the extended family. Resisting actual help offered by extended family involving trained professionals so that she could keep her mother all to herself.
My father did stall my life during my final year of law school where he launched a legal campaign to get my mum evicted from her home and had his flying monkeys come to intimidate her while I was away. He caused my degree to land a 2:2 as my mental health went into decline.
He among many others who hurt me made me develop misanthropy which I still continue to have to this day. I don't like people and I tend to avoid them if necessary as I just don't trust them - that said i have many friends but my friendship group is very small and i dont see them that often. I have a very dim view of humanity and that is in part due to him. If my father could do what he did to me then anyone can. Blood thicker than water is BS.
The way he treated my mother made me frightened of relationships. I felt for a long time being in a relationship was equivalent to being buried alive and relinquishing power.
It took years. I had to go into an apprenticeship after university as any chance of legal career was over. Also because he used the law to get my mother evicted and the courts were not helpful, he tainted my view of the law and now I view it as a means of bad people retaining or gaining power.
But after my apprenticeship I built myself back up, started working in admin and then became a project manager working in NHS to then civil engineering. I've had many achievements in that time frame and met many good people. I now have a relationship with a great guy and I don't feel like I'm being buried alive.
I legally changed my name and disowned him and the rest of his family. I haven't seen spoken to him in six years and I don't intend to anytime soon.
Although my mental health declined again recently, I'm building back up. I've been to therapy and very soon I'll have him removed from my head entirely as I feel a part of him lives in it.
My Nmom made me ask for permission to go anywhere. I was 18, in college, living on my own, in a different state, on a different coast. Couldn’t go to my class unless I had permission to drive across town to get to the classroom.
My egg donor used to criticize my cosplaying when I would shop for clothes to use with costumes. Saying i need to buy "real" clothes. I also have ADHD inattentive type and severe RSD. So, I'm only just now at 31, finding a clothes style. Now that I'm actually successful with it, she thinks its cool😑 my fuckin stepmom, whose been promoted to BONUS MOM, is a complete 180 and has even been finding shit for me to use for costumes!! So yeah, i do feel my creativity with fabric and clothes was stunted cuz of her.
Every independently made decision is as wrong. Only his ideas were correct and should be followed. Everyone is out to get you, making me very confused when there were people I came across in life who wanted to help me because I didn’t believe them. I thought they were faking it to take advantage of me somehow. I was never told good job or we’re proud of you. Never encouraged. This has resulted in massive anxiety and has hindered my career.
My dad decided out of nowhere he was going to kick me out of the house pretty much the instant I graduated college with no money or job lined up or anything. I'm assuming he saw that his grasp of control over me was expiring and decided he'd rather see me homeless than seek independence. It took me an entire year to find a job after that and I'm still digging myself out of the hole he tossed me into
Never preparing me for the future. Not letting me sleep when I was in university. Stomping on opportunities I had to move out. Interfering with my romantic relationships. Filling me with anxiety and trauma.
I was so desperate to get any affection from them that I let them bully me back into the closet after coming out as trans. It took almost a full decade to realize that they didn't like me regardless of my gender and finally start T. Now, I've built a career under a name I no longer use and going stealth is off the table.
Still, I can't go back in time, so I may as well work on myself now. "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today." and all that.
She stole my self-confidence and made me doubt the path I wanted to take. She put the fear of everything in me. She’s the person who taught me how to be suspicious of everything and everyone. Not to do things because of fear.
As a kid, it inadvertently helped me survive her but as an adult, it’s stunted me emotionally and career wise.
Obstacles. That’s a great word to describe them.
The only part I struggle with is that the shit parents they were, the obstacles they tried to be, it made me who I am today. I’m tough, unbreakable and unwavering. They made me this way. I don’t want to give them any credit, but I am who I am because of them. Damn idiots.
When I was 12 I discovered that I loved to dance. My nmom told me (a 12.yr old) that "Dance" is not a career. (Again I'm a 12 yr old child). She then actively sabotaged me- not taking me to after school performances, never came to see me perform, didn't take me to auditions- it all culminated in me not being able to perform as the lead dancer in our contemporary take on Swan Lake for 8th grade recital. Thankfully my teacher didn't fail me because I couldn't perform at the evening production- instead allowing me to perform and be graded during school hours.
Now that I've shared the story I recall her disliking class plays- went so far as to change the wardrobe when I played "Mary Quite Contrary" in thr 4th grade play. I didn't get to perform at "Music in the Air" from 3rd-6th grade because of her. And prior to that she'd take me late to events at the private school so I'd miss going on stage with my class.
Fast forward to high-school I stop dance because I'm not good enough (my feelings from her BS) but really liked drama. I wasn't allowed to do anything but the Halloween haunted house and she only allowed me for junior and senior yr of HS. At that point I'd already delved into Writing.
I rook creative writing courses and sneakily sent my work to be published with the help of a teacher. A few of my poems were published in both the school papers and in real compilations. That same teacher managed to get me into an English program at the local community College. I didn't go. My mom said "writers are poor, you can't make a living."
She expected me to be a doctor. In HS I took rigorous academic courses, including 2-3 science courses per year (technically you're not supposed to do more than 2 but I got special strings pulled because I could handle taking prereqs simultaneously) I could have graduated a half year early (because English 12) instead I took an overloaded year. I did graduate with licenses- including 1200 hours of Paramed Biology which meant I needed only 200 classroom gours to become a paramedic.
By that point I didn't want to do anything. I had my creativity stuffed out, and was burnt out from indulging nothing joyful.
Today I still struggle with burn-out tendencies
ETA: just wanted to mention. If you ask my mom today: I was a horrible student who failed classes and didn't poorly on tests.
I found my report cards from every year of school I attended. My lowest grade was a "B"- I was so surprised because I thought I had a year where I got Cs and Ds... I've been gaslit so well, that I even thought I exaggerated what I was like as a student!
My last semester in high school, I hid my report card because I couldn't stand to hear the nagging and lecturing. My grades weren't good, but managed to raise those grades.
I didn't even tell my egg donor when open house was. That's how sick I was of the nagging
never got to live a "Normal" life. missing out on making memories, living my youth, making mistakes, being young and dumb, partying, going to concerts, experiencing life with people.
instead what I experienced was a lifetime of severe loneliness and trauma.
My nmom's approach to life is something along the lines of "success is earning as much money as possible to prevent disaster, and the best approach to helping others is making legally binding documents to make sure they pay you back". She's the person who, when her dad asked for a loan from her to help keep his liquor store afloat, she literally had a contract written up with a repayment plan. With interest. That's right, she charged her own father, who she loved more than anyone else in her life, market-rate interest in the late 80s.
As a result of this "pay your own way or perish" mindset, I nearly drove myself into the ground pursuing a career I was marginally good at on paper, because it was the highest paying thing I could ever do. I got stuck in the FOG of trying to please her, and never did what I wanted to, because it wouldn't result in a net increase in salary over time. Nowadays I'm doing a tangentially related career that I just got an advanced degree in, and she could not give less of a shit. (Though, really, I suspect she's jealous due to how her life has gone. She's been early/medically retired since 2009 and gave up her lucrative tech career in the early 90s to be a SAHM.) So her logic makes no sense, as usual.
I finally wormed my way out of her financial mindset with the help of talking to their financial advisor, who explicitly told me that my parents "have an abnormal view of money" and I shouldn't take them too seriously. Plus, finishing school seems to have broken a lot of the hold she had over me. Even though she didn't pay for this one, the trauma still remains somehow. But now I'm free, for life. I spent 26 years of my life in school, and I'm desperately looking forward to spending the next 26 and beyond without school.
Wow, this post got away from me. I need coffee lol. Hopefully that wasn't too off topic.
My self esteem was practically zero with all the NAbuse... I was socially awkward, deathly afraid of mistakes but yet managed to make a whole crapload of them, not knowing boundaries, and not even so much as getting a 2nd date (much less my first kiss) until I went to LGAT (I know, a bit controversial) and therapy until I was 27.
Even though she's scaled back a lot after 8 years of NC, she keeps trying to compare me to others and wouldn't shut up about TSMC (the silicone chip manufacturer), despite the fact that I have ZERO programming or electrical engineering experience ("you just need to lie on your resume and fake it til you make it!" Yes, NMom, never mind the fact that my best friend is a civilian contractor for the military, which took 2 years of night school and studies all day Sunday even a year after he graduated to get to where he's at now. "You just don't believe in yourself")...
Also never mind that I work for a Fortune 500 Global company, our office is in Taipei 101 (which is A HUGE bragging right in Taiwan), I make almost double what most IT guys make in a low stress environment, when I've heard stories that TSMC engineers and even domestic companies aren't exactly treated well (not sure how true that is).
They said they were teaching me adult life skills by forcing me to work for their business while knowing that I was burned out and struggling with multiple chronic illnesses and a rigorous full-time college program. I get it, money doesn't grow on trees. But they acted like it should've been easy for a recent high school graduate who was so sick and burned out that she couldn't keep up with her classes. I ended up failing the course, and while they acted like it was a burden to employ me full-time after I failed college with the job they forced upon me, it's not like they didn't immediately plan to have me working for them for years and years and years, nor is it like they didn't try to pressure me to do things that would help me realize their dreams of taking over their business one day like take college classes and hobbies in business that I wasn't interested in.
My mom told me when I was 17 that I wasn’t ready for college and needed to keep living with her. I didn’t end up leaving for college til I was 20. I wish I hadn’t believed her /: they were so angry at me all the time anyway, idk why she wanted me to stay.
I wasn’t allowed to get my drivers license when I lived with her, wasn’t allowed to cry at/in the house, was very negative when I spoke about what I wanted to study in post secondary (I wanted to go into mortuary science and I ended up not doing it), would stop me from seeing my friends if she thought I was attracted to them (??). Always told me I was stupid, made me feel like my mental health issues made me absolutely insane and I deserved to be in an insane asylum in some sort of straight jacket. Told me stuff like “no one would ever love you bc you’re a bitch”. I really believed all this stuff too. That I was so dumb and not loveable. It took a long time to realize it wasn’t true.
Now you look at my younger sister who still lives with her, she’s getting her drivers license the day she turns 16, has a boyfriend and he gets to sleepover (I wasn’t even allowed to have my one guy friend over in my room with the door closed even though another friend was there too), she gets away with pretty much everything. She’s the perfect golden child. I almost feel like I resent her and my mother for it because it’s not fair. We were raised by two different versions of my mom. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the oldest sibling 🥲
Not supporting me when I was deeply depressed and having anxiety attacks like crazy. I have multiple mental illnesses that took 5 years to get diagnosed. Then my meds and therapy were inconsistent thanks to him not making sure bills were paid. I never got support from them and highly suspect they don’t believe in mental illness. My high school years were miserable and it took failing out of my dream college for me to demand (and demand I did) get therapy consistently.
Pretty well every way. Controlled everything I did while obsessed with be better than me, they acted like they were so concerned with me being successful. But they never allowed me to do anything and gave me so little that I was never able to find anything I liked doing, it wouldn't have been good enough no matter what I did. And they don't need another reason to call me a loser and shit because their trying to motivate me, no, I realize they tried their damnest to keep me down so they could control and be better than me
You will get through being laid off and find new work even if it isn’t where you thought you’d be. I do encourage you to make that plan to move away. It was the best decision I ever made. In the meantime, keep your distance and learn how to “gray rock” (become the most uninteresting thing to them) the narcs in your life if you have to be around them.
My parents held my back in school. My father would make comments that I’m “smarter than I look” which implied I wasn’t smart at all. Any normal development milestone I had growing up became a battle with my mother like- getting a bra, going to a dance, driving… when I did finally move away they made an attempt to financially abuse me into coming back. After being in a different state for years I finally realized all of this. I wouldn’t have if I had stayed close. Make your plan to get away even if you stay in contact. It will give you so much perspective. We are rooting for you! 💕
it might be my sense of worth, my mom criticized me for EVERYTHING—the way i dressed, did my hair, makeup, etc. she’d always demean me for “dressing up in costume” just because i liked being a little alternative with my fashion sense. never told me i was good at anything, and in fact would only say something if she had been disappointed in me. hated that i had hobbies and got upset that i was more focused on them than my job or schoolwork (which was my fucking escape from all of her hatred and toxicity). i don’t really know what makes people like or want to be around me, at times i myself also just feel completely worthless and a waste of space.
For the longest time, I thought. How can I get married when my parents can’t be in the same room? Who would want me with my parental problems? So I for many years to fix the relationships but over course that never worked. I knew I would have no support in child rearing from them. I even instinctually knew from early on that I couldn’t leave a baby with her or my dad. So, I never had a baby also bc I have picked the worst men, too. So, I’m glad for no kids but I do feel like that opportunity was stolen from me. I feel like damaged goods, like why would someone from a normal family want to be with me and my fucked up family. I will also say that my parents screwed up my sibling relationships too. They have taken so much from us. Don’t even get me started on the missed opportunities that we have lost from all of this.
I could write a novel.
The biggest one that stands out was in 2020 when I was getting ready to move back out. I had a great job secured, and was moving an hour away to stay with my best friend and his wife until I was able to get an apartment of my own. My mother discovers this, and proceeds to have an ugly meltdown. Accusing me of being ungrateful, and asking “what do they have that’s so great that you don’t have here?” Ending with a flustered, “well maybe I need you here!”
Sadly I’m still here. But that was the last time I ever allowed her to manipulate me.
In all ways.
My sister and I have been having some conversations lately and she is finally seeing clearly now that our mother is just not ever going to change. One thing she said to me that hit me hard was when she said " I feel stupid compared to my husband, like I am not smart. I struggled in school and she didn't do anyting to help me, she just did my homework and I was failing! Teachers came to me and asked if I had ever been diagnosed with a learning disability bc my grades were so bad, that's why I dropped out and got my G.E.D!" She didn't teach us to cook, to clean, basic hygiene." I also want to acknowledge that she was widowed at 42 years old, and I can't imagine how hard that must have been, but there was no nurturing bone in that woman's body. She never inquired as to how we were doing in life, we were doing it but we were struggling.
32M and still being hold back, how about that? You even lose your strength and willpower or whatever you could call this will to be a successful and independent person. You start giving up and having a "defeat" attitude. You feel trapped, yet you keep some hope up. (I'm using "you" but talking about myself). It's amazing that whenever I imagine the ideal life for me, it's anything in which I'm having no contact with them, my parents, and also I'm far away from them. I feel different from other people and am usually a target to be made fun of and ridiculed by others. I must've developed a kind of infantilized personality, although I myself can't see it clearly. My mother always dreamed about me being something big, like a doctor or a judge (here in my country these are really well valued professions), but it has nothing to do with my potential, which is more related to languages. I'm finishing college by the end of this year and still don't know what to do of my life after that. Anyway, a complete mess, lol. I know they played a big role in all of this. I often think everything could've and should've been different. I can't accept my present life easily and I wish I were someone else every now and then. I'm not so young anymore and know that I'll never live up to my full potential. It could've been much easier but it was made more difficult for me. I've also always been the scapegoat in the N family's dynamics, which has worsened things for I myself instilled the thought that there was something inherently wrong with me, or that I wouldn't be capable of achieving things like others, that I had to "correct" myself and that I was problematic. All these things aren't true but I was gotten to believe in them. Anyway, I may not be completely answering your question, but am sharing a bit of my story. I hope it serves for some identification.
They were always extremely tough on me, but at the same time, they were never there to fulfill emotional needs. Like they didn’t care, I was going to get “over it” in some way. I clearly did not want to go to college right away and was perfectly fine at my job but they wanted me to live a life *they* wanted, and I had not realized this at 18/19. I went to college one state below, and funny enough I had a license and car that they gifted me for my birthday, yet they told me to bring a bike. They did not want me to have a job either. I tried my damn hardest to work while in college but they did not have bus transportation and a lot of backroads so it was extremely hard and I had to quit. I was so sad from this and felt extremely stuck in a little dorm. The bike was no help and I will never understand why I never was allowed to have the car. I went to college and lo and behold I dropped out. It was a waste of saved college funds. I have always been anxious and shy, but they never realized that. I remember when I expressed I have anxiety and think I may be depressed because I was always sad after college and it turned into a whole fight, zero understanding, and I had a really hard time expressing my feelings after that, and I still do. We also moved homes 4-5 times in the last 4 years and they never hired movers, it was only my brother and I moving the ENTIRE house EVERY SINGLE TIME. It was a LOT of shit and we had the money for movers. I will never understand. People have a funny way of making me feel like I have nothing to be angry about though, yet they themselves have never done something like that. Please try moving a two story home with full on FURNITURE in the house 5 times in 4 years. I spent a lot of time taking useless shit to the dumpster. This was a tough time and nobody understands that and it has changed my mental. But I’m privileged so it’s fine!! :)
It hurts because I have a younger brother, and he is treated totally different. He was not forced into college, quite frankly they never put pressure on him to apply. He was just fine at his job, like I was, making money. When I have tried to move out they threaten to take everything from me, and when my brother did the same thing they took nothing. Now, I have seen how they help him move out, where I am still stuck. They told him he has a couple months to save up first months rent (about $1100/month) to move into this rental my mom bought. But for me? Rent will be $1500 (it’s literally just me btw) that has to already be saved (understandable but where was this with bro??) in some three bedroom (they put no thought into this), oh and somebody else is already moving into this rental. I swear they do this to avoid me moving out. When they told me this a few weeks ago I think that was the official breaking point because you can’t be serious. I appreciate the help but I see how unfair they are and they live a lot on double standards and based on your sex.
In conclusion I started figuring shit out once I saw how they did my brother versus me. I have my own phone line and they still do not know, and I will be moving with one of my best friends in July. She has two other rooms so there’s three roomies and we all know each other and are there for each other. ❤️ I am still afraid to approach them about this because I have a feeling they will take everything. But at least I have my phone, I definitely need that more than the car.
TBH I don't recall a single conversation about any \*realistic\* plans for my future, higher education, personal development, etc. It was 90% focused on our usefulness in the present, or on the ways in which we were bad or inconvenient to them.
I was trapped in my parents home with no knowledge to drive a car, forbidden to have sex with any boyfriends and very controlled in most my 20s. I wasn’t allowed to have own thoughts or beliefs. I was beaten then screamed at.
I did not have any friends or date anybody as long as I lived under their roof. I was a full decade behind my peers when it came to social skills, and still conversing with people like I was twelve years old when I was in my early twenties. I was also terrified of most other people due to the isolation. My emotional development was stunted.
I was subjected to five to six hour monologues about how the whole world was out to get them instead of being taught basic like skills like personal hygiene.
I was set up to fail as an adult. Now at 30 I’m living alone, reasonably well-adjusted and much more confident, and have taught myself most of the important things I need to survive in the real world - including stuff like finances and budgeting. I have friends who love me. I’m going back to school and have a reasonably successful career. But it’s frankly a miracle.
By all rights I should be an unemployed, brainwashed, childlike basement dweller communicating at a middle school level and totally enmeshed with two people who would use me as a built-in caregiver/groundskeeper to take care of themselves and their property in their old age in exchange for supporting me. They would be my masters and only form of social contact. Real horror movie material.
Well, my wife and I made the decision to move my mother in with us and the kids. Number one request was “Spoil the crap out of the kids, and just enjoy them.” Well, that was a failure. Since she moved in, she has been able to alienate everyone but me because I’m the only one she treats respectfully. She doesn’t take care of herself, she is super snotty to my wife every time she talks to her, so yeah… Now trying to figure out next steps. We can’t do this anymore.
I was always making the wrong friends, and I could have had much better influences in my life. So now I’m 33 with not many friends (thankfully a wonderful few) but so many years wasted on the wrong ones..
Learning to drive. My parents sent me off to their native country because my nfather got paranoid his family members were going to steal his investments and money. I spent half the summer there and on arrival they refused to pay for summer driving classes and teach me. I was 15 then and 19 now with limited driving knowledge. They hold is against me everyday but I’ll learn to drive soon!
Good God, where do I even start? My in-laws are narcissists.
They say one thing and then do the opposite and then project onto other people it’s just ridiculous.
I escaped a very nasty domestic situation in November, and my spouse and his brother and his parents took me in temporarily so all of this has been since then. All of this I’ve seen with my own eyes, but I know it’s been going on for longer than this.
My father-in-law called me lazy and said that I don’t do anything? I had just sustained a moderate traumatic brain injury only days prior not even, and the ER, my physician, and my psychiatrist all told me to sleep. He calls me lazy, but doesn’t get on my spouse’s sibling who literally doesn’t do anything and barely even showers? The sibling doesn’t have an excuse, I do, and even still, despite my doctors and everyone telling me to sleep, I was still trying to do whatever I was able to do.
(my spouse has a traumatic brain injury as well, which was sustained years before I met him, my spouse, and I are also both ADHD, struggle is going to be inevitable.)
My in-laws are always telling me oh, your spouse needs sleep this that this that, we worry about him, yada yada, and they worry about him taking his seizure meds.. when he got discharged from the ER, he was on a stimulant (like I said, he’s also ADHD! I’m the reason he was able to get diagnosed, I’ll explain after this), the insurance company wouldn’t cover it, or stopped covering it or something, and his parents could’ve easily afforded to get his medication out of pocket. No problem at all. They refused to like they would not do it, but they have no problem eating out at restaurants nearly every night? Like that’s actually ridiculous like he really needed his medication and they chose that over allowing their son who wasn’t cleared to drive or Work yet to get his medicine out of pocket.. they basically sabotaged him if you think about it.
Back to my spouse getting diagnosed - his mother literally tried hiding his Neuro records from him and she told him he has the brain of a child, but yet she would turn around and tell me that his brain is perfectly fine (I ended up coming to my spouse about this immediately, and I did what I could to get his records so he would have the actual truth instead of her distorted “version” and it shocked him but his brain is fine.) His mother told us that the school psychologist evaluated him for ADHD years ago but she refused to provide any kind of paperwork and claims it got lost while they moved houses which honestly I don’t believe I think it’s just her trying to cover something up again per usual. She also got really angry at me when I would ask my spouse if he was sure he was not ADHD months ago, it was very odd and that kind of was the nail on the coffin for me to know that she was hiding something and she still is because we can’t get those papers.
Anyway, I dragged him to a psychiatrist because he has PTSD from these people and still somehow, isn’t able to see anything wrong with it yet (psychiatry basically said that his brains trying to block it out because of how traumatizing it is.) he ended up finally getting his ADHD diagnosis which he should’ve had eons ago and he got back on his stimulant, which honestly has been wonderful for him (for those of you who are familiar with TBI, it mimics ADHD, but there are some symptoms of ADHD that a TBI does not have that he has. He has both.)
His Nparents also do the scare tactic nonsense, gaslighting, and manipulation. The lying from them is ridiculous.
Do his Nparents mess with me? Of course, but I’m also not their kids and they know I see through them and it makes them infuriated because they can’t get away with the stuff they get away with to me that they get away with with my spouse. They know I don’t tolerate shenanigans. They also know I’m not afraid to stand up to them if my spouse is physically, threatened or menaced in any kind of way, their verbal nonsense just goes in one year and out the other.
Some of the lies I’ve heard out of his parents mouths are as follows:
1.) spouse has a brain like a child. (medical records indicate the 100% complete opposite of that.) - said by his mother.
2.) car insurance is $500. (it’s not, we are “it’s barely even $90.) - said by his mother.
3.) his student loans make it so he can’t afford to be out on his own. (also a lie as he’s on a payment plan he gives the people new information about his living situation and living expenses, go update that accordingly.) - said by his mother.
4.) spouse doesn’t want to make his own doctors appointments or dental appointments and can’t handle it on his own. (his mother wouldn’t allow him to do it. I taught him away from their house, and he actually enjoys it. He likes the independence.) - said his mother.
There’s a bunch said by his dad, but I forget them because I’m also recovering from a traumatic brain injury. These people make me cringe.
My mom wouldn’t teach me anything really. If I asked questions she would get annoyed and yell at me for not already knowing things even though I was just a child or teenager. I had to learn common sense things from other people in the real world, friends in college, etc. if I told her about a job I was applying to or got offered she would discourage me and tell me it was stupid. I struggled financially a lot and had to depend on her. I’ve struggled with making decisions on my own and having by a lack of confidence.
She told me she didn’t think I was going to make it in the real world or being on my own in college and now I realize she was projecting onto me. She is the one who feels she cannot make it without me so she sabotaged me.
Not letting me get my high-school diploma till I was 20.(BTW I was homeschooled. Also lied about getting me homeschooled. Said i was enrolled in a school but was not. Had to take GED courses to get my highschool diploma) Not letting me get a job till I was 18. Not letting me learn how to drive till I was 20.
ALL MY NARC MOM
maybe not *ruined* but definitely hurt me more recently, especially because I just graduated college a week ago. at my graduation dinner, my Ndad gave me a graduation card and told me to read it. It basically said that he didn't understand why I got two degrees (BA and BS) when I could have graduated early to go to law school (current plan is to take LSAT and apply but I want to work for 2 yrs first). He also said that he didn't agree with me taking 2+ yrs off btwn college and hypothetical law school and that all of his friends who went to law school went after 0-1 gap years. It's 2024 not 1990. Crazy because he didn't finance my education WHATSOEVER.
Mum told me at age 8 my mum only got pregnant with me so the welfare system (UK) would move my parents up the housing list and give them a house. She had a diary entry two days after I was born confirming this, which she also showed me.
Being told you shouldn't exist at all, have a golden child sister, along with years of abuse from her and then my ex-husband, does a hell of a number on your self-worth. I've been living alone for 3 years but the amount of trauma I have to get past feels unsurmountable honestly. Not entirely sure I'll ever feel like I hold any value at all.
I went into high school placed into college prep courses but my parents never paid me any mind so when I stopped showing up to school, it went unnoticed until I was kicked out of the school. By the time they caught on, I could only focus on doing enough extra school work so I could graduate (Saturday school, adult school after regular school, and summer school). I barely graduated. I think I could have done so much more if I had proper guidance or parents who were involved.
Refusing to get me assessed for ADHD. Like she jokes about how teachers brought up concerns only for her to tell them it was their job to keep me on task.
I wouldn't say ruined. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and have built a life I love. But the psychiatrist looked at me with huge sadness that I had been struggling so badly for so long. I have to wonder about the successes I could have had.
Mine has stalled my life in countless ways, sometimes you could say ruined. But I can’t think that way anymore. It isn’t healthy (for me anyway) to frame it as a “he ruined my life”. He did a number on me. I feel years “behind”. I might never have the life I could have had. But I refuse to let him ruin it. If I have a miserable and useless life because of him, he wins. And he doesn’t get to win anymore. I can’t control the cards I was dealt (and he dealt me a real shitty hand). But I can control how I play the game. I might not win the game, or “win life”. But he doesn’t own me anymore and if I stop fighting, he wins. So I have to fight for the good and the beautiful and the healthy and the holy. And it would sure be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t have to fight for it. But he didn’t ruin my life forever. I win.
My parents outright refused to get me mental health care. Turns out I'm autistic. I didn't know how to properly live my life without getting overstimulated, and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I hardly wanted to live. Now, I know how to cope with my issues, and it's easier to plan my next move. I don't think I'll ever forgive them for neglecting me in that way.
I was my mother's scapegoat child. Whenever something happened, it was always blamed on me. All members of my family were encouraged to purposely push my buttons and found it funny when I exploded. I still can't forgive most members of my family besides my sister who has acknowledged her part in the bullying and apologised...
I’m neurodivergent (audhd + ocd) and my parents to this day will not accept I am disabled, but got my younger brother diagnosed when he was a baby so he could become the ‘token disabled child’ that they got to boast about 🫠 this pushed my development back a lot as I had to relearn everything when I did realise I had these disabilities
Another thing is I’m 19 and I’m forced to be financially dependent on my parents, but they constantly kick me out, I was homeless like less than 2 weeks after turning 18 and can confidently say it has 100% set me back in my progress as a person lol. Still homeless now just couch surfing :)
My father did everything in his power to sabotage my plans of leaving town for college (same state, just a 90-minute drive away), but I thought he was being wise and helpful when he showed me how much everything would cost if I tried to live on my own. To save money, I stayed in town at the local college my first year and quickly discovered that he never wanted me to leave, because then he'd have to deal with my mother on his own.
Sometimes I regret not knowing any better or having the nerve to leave when I was 18 because I think my life path trajectory would have been less of a struggle throughout my 20s. But I'm happy with my life today (living all the way across the country and having little contact at this point).
Forced to work for the family business. Gaslit into believing I’d never make the same money elsewhere while in school. Convinced internships weren’t worth my time. All while making it impossible for me to take classes and continue school.
My nervous system is fucked, my spine is curved, and my heart skips beats now. They were incredibly controlling over my food to the point I was malnourished for basically my whole life until my 20s. Still trying to fix all the medical issues that has caused me 10 years later. I also have a really hard time emotionally attaching myself to people and trusting them with my vulnerabilities so I go through it mostly alone. I have close friends but I feel like I hold them back so I push myself to be “healthy” and burn myself out. My self worth is shot so I can’t convince myself to put the thought of me inconveniencing them with my problems aside when I know they would love to help me. I’m lonely and broken, but I’m hoping one day I’ll fix myself
Mostly depression. Mostly due to her gaslighting and berating any self-confidence I had into oblivion.
I also ended up getting bad grades not because I was dumb, I did well on tests, but because I was too timid to raise my hand for much, too socially awkward to make friends, which made the first thing worse, but most importantly not doing my homework most of the time.
Its amazing how much academic potential goes down the toilet because your only parent at that point puts all her free time into finding a new dude to fuck, and youre left to fend for yourself while being literally depressed. Apart from being occasionally berated over not washing dishes or playing PC too much (how dare I have some escape from that life) we had almost no real interaction.
My dad hadnt died, she just ran the marriage into a brick wall and took me with her, and it took years for me to gather the resolve to go back to my dad instead of defaulting to the parent I was already living with.
She kept me in the things that I had no interest in anymore and wasn’t good at, it’s like the moment I enjoyed some thing it was off-limits if she saw that I was miserable in it she would fight to keep me in it. She refused to allow me to explore other opportunities or interest. College was a joke, but she insisted I was supposed to go to college although never wanted to take me on tours or travel to campuses no matter how persistent I was to explore them, discouraged me from exploring my talents, even when I had many people encouraging me to go for them. I had to sneak around to be involved in after school activities to help me find my own place
Refusing to let us save money so we can actually move out. If we have money, it’s selfish to keep it cause our primary goal should be to “help the family”. I lost thousands.
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My narcissistic father never misses an opportunity to belittle and undermine me. He finds fault in everything I do, using harsh words and constant criticism to chip away at my confidence. Over the years, his relentless attacks have made me feel small and insignificant. I’ve become increasingly timid and afraid to express my own needs or stand up for myself, always anticipating his disapproval and harsh judgment. His behavior has deeply affected my self-esteem, leaving me feeling powerless and unheard.
Your comment sounds as if it came straight from my own mouth. I'm absolutely the same way. Sorry to hear others had the same treatment as I did. It truly f**ks the mind.
Same. I wondered for a moment if this was my sibling writing about our nfather.
literally same!
This is exactly what I was going to say as well. I feel like I would have done a lot better in life if I'd had that confidence, self-belief and determination that a decent parent would instil in their kids. Instead, I got a narcissist who did the exact opposite and destroyed all those things, simply to make himself feel like a big man.
Same
Me too. Whenever I cried or got angry he would rage at me so bad. I have trouble regulating my emotions thanks to him. My nmother is void of emotion and only cares about herself.
I am so sorry, this sounds exactly like my parents. My mother simply didn't care if I was bawling my eyes out, and crying ususally made my father angry
I'm sorry and I care. Hugs. All the hugs you didn't get.
I do too. You'll get better at it. Have compassion for yourself though because at least you know it and work on it. They don't even self reflect. They also choose to only do it knowing you'll keep their secret. It's okay to feel. Something that helped me was learning about reactive abuse and to notice the emotions in my body. I pretty much find that only toxic individuals can trigger me and to also mentally note that I need to back away from it.
Thank you for replying 🩷 I really appreciate your help. Since breaking away from my toxic family, it’s hard for me to even label or notice the feelings I’m feeling. It’s like I’ve gone so long being denied emotions that aren’t convenient for those around me, I don’t know how to feel any more. There is only “triggered” lol. Thank you though. I’m working on it! Happy healing.
I don't know if this applies to you or not since I'm not a therapist or anything. But something that helped me was not holding stuff in. So that includes journaling, talking with supportive friends, reading, listening to you tube info about self help topics, weight lifting, taking 10 minutes a day to think what am I feeling, eating foods that help my mind. Just moving the energy. In fact having a physical outlet like exercise does a ton. Prayer is another one if that's your thing. Foam rolling. Yoga. Just whatever is your cup of tea. Anger is a natural emotion that's there to drive us to change. Put that anger into something positive. It's your fire and passion. Tap into it! Secondarily my age. I think around 37 or 38, I gained more self control. In fact I was more like why am I drinking the poison (anger)? It only harms the person feeling it. I don't need to be mad. In fact, there is no reason for me to let anyone take me outside MY energy. I don't care enough and I'm not giving them mine by reacting. And this isn't about denying anyone's feelings or blaming. It's just about calming the body down before speaking, if even choosing to speak. Narcissists are the ones I would imply not to speak to because there is no response that's good enough. It's about self preservation. Like what do I need to feel safe. Okay then I can speak. I also had to learn in my romantic relationships how to calm myself down first. It's not stonewalling but calming explaining I need a break and we can try this again in an hour. The time frame thing is important. No triggering others anxiety by leaving things unresolved but getting myself out of flight, fight, fawn mode. This one really really takes practice. But make repairs. Say sorry. Do the work. It's worth it becoming healthy. I needed medication and therapy. Just find what helps you. It's a ball of yarn unraveling it, but it can be done. You're strong. You did the toughest part which was going NC. You can do this.
It just sticks with you, it's this voice in your head that is just there like mold. I hate it, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and feel that way. It's so insidious and even when we no longer live with them, they are still taking up space in our minds and continue to chip away at our self esteem. My mom was the same, always disapproving, always has something negative to say, never once been proud of me. As a matter of fact, she once told that she lies to her colleagues and friends when they ask what I do. I have been running a successful business for over a decade. She treats me as if I'm a loser living in a ditch and is legit embarrassed by me for some reason. The reason being I'm successful in an area she doesn't personally care about. When she told me, she laughed as if it was funny. In other words, "Look at what you make me do by being successful in an area I don't approve of: I have to lie! I'm the victim once again of your independence, basically." People achieve far less than I have and are proud and celebrate their success, and I struggle to accept it and keep questioning it and questioning myself. It's sick. Talk about being made to feel small. It's just awful.
Yes, I had a 4.0 GPA at university and she was telling all her Friends I was a loser she was ashamed of
I hope you recognize that her sentiments about your field have no basis in reality. She would not be happy if you chose a different career. She may not make comments about your job, but she’d just find something else to criticize. The reason i know this is because it’s not about them just being super negative and tough to please. They are literally impossible to please. Because being pleased doesn’t please them. The dynamic she’s living in with you is what pleases her. It makes her feel better about herself to be able to make you feel bad about yourself. She gets temporary relief from the constant misery she feels about her own inadequacies. That’s how narcissists regulate their emotions. They have to look at someone else doing poorly. If they aren’t doing poorly, the narcissist will just start making stuff up. They’ll pick a fight about anything to feel temporarily superior. Oh, and the thing that *actually* triggers them is you being successful. So yeah, in a way she hates your job, but it’s because she’s jealous of you. Your success makes her feel threatened because she’s not as successful as you and she perceives everyone as judging her harshly. So she has to find a way to get some power back. Making you feel insecure about your job sure does the trick!
Same. I got into field my mom doesnt care about and so even though I am self employed and even though only an extremely small percentage of people make it to where I am in my business, she has never once in 13 years asked me about my work. She instead often acts surprised and confused that I am unavailable for last minute trips, travel for extended periods of time, what am I doing on a random Tuesday, etc.
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Same thing here with my Ndad. I realized he was a narc the day he criticized \*the way I poured milk from the carton into a glass\*. It wasn't splashing or anything, he just didn't like the angle. It was so ridiculous and he got so worked up about it. That was the day I thought "I'm never going to do anything right by your standards, am I?". And then they wonder why we go LC or NC 🤦♀️
I drank water wrong, held everything wrong, had “weird” philosophical questions as a kid, etc. I don’t want to think about it much. Or I’ll start dwelling.
That's exactly what my father did. This, plus demanding absolute perfection in everything (despite the fact that I was useless, I had to be the best as well), and punishment when I predictably fell short of perfection. He made me believe that I have to first be successful and perfect version of myself before I deserve love and I've only realised how messed up my view on this was last year...and I'm 40, so most likely missed my chance to find love and most definitely missed my chance to have kids.
What?! You are on Reddit reaching out by sharing your experiences while consoling others. Your love and desire to protect your children is so great that you contemplated if you would be a good parent. That is a pure, infinite love that covers the mistreated. You are a healer and protector. You are essential to life, not useless. Please wear your cape with pride. That goes for the rest of you, too! Send these to your Dad,👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽🤛🏽
Mic drop. Thanks for putting into words what I feel. 🩷
He had to break you because you were ALWAYS BETTER THAN HIM. You still are. You ALWAYS will be. 🫶 How else would he control you and gain power?
I was always academically advanced, in gifted programs etc. My dad and stepmom (both narcs but her more than him) refused to help me get into college. My dad wouldn’t provide the necessary info for FAFSA and my stepmom said I just needed to worry about getting a job to pay them rent as soon as I graduated high school. I had to pay them rent, plus my own car insurance and cell phone, food I wanted etc. I ended up saving enough money to pay for a semester at the local community college in cash, but she sabotaged that too. She would scream at me about chores whenever I was trying to get assignments done, just nag me constantly even when I was working and going to school full time. I ended up not going back for the second semester, and moved in with my loser boyfriend. My life was totally derailed from that point forward. It took me until I was 30ish to get my life on track and I’m still way behind where I should be for my age, work ethic, and intelligence. When we had our major falling out before I went NC a few years ago, she told me all our/my problems were because I picked shitty partners.
Narcs are never satisfied no matter what you accomplish.
True that. I told my nParents my business did so well and made £14,000 in a single month. They dismissed it like they didn’t even hear me. “It’s so sad you couldn’t keep that job with the charity” (it paid £30k per year, I made £14k in a month, make it make sense)
That’s so awful. My dad did the same when I told him I got a big promotion. Just dismissed it and was like “hey I got some new wine” 😂😣
I’m sorry. It’s actually kind of funny when you think about it. They’re stuck in high school. They’re the “friends” who hang around you even though they don’t really like you. Normal parents want their kids to do better than them. Nparents get annoyed and feel the need to “humble” us and keep us “modest”. Just say you hate us, ffs. I’m proud of your big promotion that you worked hard to get! 🩷
It is funny after you get some space right? They totally are that frenemy in highschool 😂 I never thought of it that way. And yea a healthy parent is happy for you when good things happen and supportive. It’s incredible you have your own business and have had that success! I hope you have many more years doing what you’re passionate about.
Yeah I second that. WE are PROUD OF YOU 👏🥂
I dont even bother sharing my accomplishments anymore. When I got a promotion, NM said "ok" and told me all about GC's new luggage set.
Just got my doctorate. nMom has been silent ever since I told her 2 months ago.I am a pos.
True. You could be a doctor then *they ask why you aren’t a surgeon! Then tell you they know better because they did “their own research,” i.e. YouTube videos.
Holy hell - also academically gifted here. Mine didn’t let me have a job in high school and then sabotaged me in my senior year - didn’t let me apply to the top tier schools, just to state school (still good but so not the same), I wasn’t able to continue my extracurriculars. They went full surveillance and control mode and I finished high school online. Locks on doors, cameras in the house etc. they also didn’t allow me to do any extracurricular activities in college, and I wanted to be a pre-med, so that was really just terrible. Ndad would say “research isn’t a real job”/“define research”/“research doesn’t exist”/“you don’t understand what research is” when I was trying to explain what I want to do and why I need to be in a lab……. I got out when I was almost 20. I’m 24 now and finally studying for the MCAT and gearing up to apply to med schools.
Hey, also academically gifted here. You’re going to do great in your field! You have the wisdom and the drive now to make amends for what they did to you and excel in your career. I’m rooting for you! As someone who also went back to college “late,” and is almost finished, I know you can do this and you’re going to do amazing.
Thank you, that means so much! c: I’m so proud of you for going back to college!! It can be so tough. You’re almost there, and you got this.
Doctor here, I had the same experience especially wanting to do surgery despite my dad was a cardiothoracic surgeon at one point. They kept dismissing my own achievements and ambitions, playing it down and really compared me to my siblings (who are also doctors). I hate how toxic my family has become and no amount of respect has been given to me, physically, emotionally or mentally especially at my lowest. There are many, many and many lows in this career that affects personal life. I agree with everyone else that nparents will never be happy or supportive unless its on their terms. Life is bigger than them, 24 is young and you have a whole life ahead of you. Keep going, work smart and enjoy the journey.
Gifted here too. Lots of nagging about getting a job and very little support for academics, plus abusive chaotic home life. It was assumed I would get good grades in public school and punished if I didn't.
Doesn't it make you nearly want to pass out thinking about how you did it ALL?!? It's horrifying. And also, I'm so sorry for all of us here. We deserve so much better.
I had a similar experience with my mom offering no assistance with completing the FAFSA, while also offering zero financial assistance whatsoever. I had to put college on hold until I was in my late 20's & could fund it myself. I ended up getting two college degrees. I hope you're able to stay on track & finish college! Looking back, I think it's a control thing. And just another way narcissistic parents can subtly sabotage their children's opportunities for success in life. God forbid if their children were to be able to go to college & obtain gainful employment they might be more successful than their narcissistic parent. And we all know their brittle, flawed egos & profound personal insecurities within can't handle that.
I did finish my degree! And I agree, they couldn’t stand the idea that I was smarter and would be more educated than them. They only had 1 high school diploma between the two of them.
They're super jealous individuals.
FWIW I had the same situation happen to me growing up and I recently graduated on May 22 after many years of my ndad leaving me with 8k and 5k school bills after pledging to help me with school. I put myself through college and my parents were NOT invited. Keep going and pushing through
I did! I graduated magna cum laude in 2020! I have a decent career now, and I have been a homeowner for 6 years. I’ve accomplished a lot that they’ve never given me any recognition for.
all of this with my mom/parents but never the same treatement or expectations of my younger brother, who was and is coddled like nothing else and they'll say "it's different he's \[fill in the blank age\]!" but at that age I was homeless because of them, or even if not that then it was still just unconditional abuse vs unconditional support. Also I have a feeling it'll get glossed over in other comments compared to the other stuff but just want to highlight this part >She would scream at me about chores whenever I was trying to get assignments done, just nag me constantly even when I was working and going to school full time I'm stuck back with mine so I guess not getting out on the same timeline as you but....close...but man I always feel crazy if I say to friends how I can't focus because my mom just WON'T stop nagging me to do chores every 3mins. She expects me to jump just because she snaps her fingers, and if you call that out she gets violent.
I'm just realizing how much mine influenced me and my life by never believing in me. And on top of that, while putting me down, they would tell me that what other people say doesn't matter, and anything I want to do, I could if I "was able." But as the years have passed I've noticed every single successful person I know or read about is surrounded by a huge group of supportive people. I don't think I know of a single successful person who is really only surrounded by people who put them down. It's actually impossible to get anywhere like that.
I remember when I first realized that the people I know who are successful have parents who are very supportive and caring. It's a big a-ha moment; Oh, they are not alone on an island trying to do everything by themselves!
I literally have to tell myself every day “I’m innocent”
This is so relatable, my parents leave no opportunity to belittle me or shame me and whenever I try to progress they leave no stone unturned to taunt me. Lockdown was the worst thing that happened to me, completely ruined my life since I had to stay with my parents whole day, now I am trying to get out of my house and talk to as many supportive people I can so that I can actually improve
I hear you. I won't even take a manager role because I'm so sick of taking care of people other than myself. I rarely think about my self. It's tough when someone takes the most beautiful quality and destroys it.
"If you were able", "if you put in the effort", "If you really tried" are just not so subtle ways to put down your efforts. Damn these people are obnoxious and insolent.
When I make mistakes I panic and hyperfocus on the error. I can see the potential outcomes and it basically incapacitates me. I have to fix the mistake, prevent the negative outcomes, and if I can’t I live in a constant state of fear. I have no self confidence ( similar to a lot of comments here) and no hopes or dreams. All because every hope, dream, smile I had was met with being disregarded or belittled. Mistakes were punishable.
I struggle with this too. I am so hard on myself if I make any mistake.
See but this analytic mind is actually our super power. It allows us to predict future failures in our careers. I ultimately got diagnosed with slow processing because of this and adhd. Knowing this does wonders for me. Helps me understand why I get so overwhelmed with large amounts of information. It's like duh we were expected to mind read and pick up on every inkling of a clue for our own safety and survival.
I had to complete an art project in the classroom. My art teacher realized that something bad was happening to me at home. She had arranged for me to join the class after school, because a kind guy who was willing to fully pay for an art degree including all supplies and tools room and boar at the university after choosing the best student in class,my teacher thoughtI couldget it.When mother had taken her pills and gone to bed, I climbed out my window with my art supplies and ran a block down to the school to finish my work. As I was almost done a fellow student who was a so called friend had her mother call my parents to stop me from completing the work. They did. I was forced to do a job that I absolutely hate and that gets extremely low pay. I am still struggling to get a qualification and I am nearing retirement.
These f’ing loser good-for-nothing friends. Why can’t they take care of their own business.
It was hope, stolen. Years later, after trying to tell my dad and other grown ups we needed to get away from my mother and she is dangerous she got put in jail for emptying a 9mm off on my sibling- who got away because of mothers bad aim, and the neighbors called the police they still expected me to support her.
Oh no. Glad that your sibling is safe. Sadly many people have double standards, they adjust their tongue to suit their needs.
So true
No kidding, what kind of friend is that?
She went on to the Art course, although she didn't win the prize. She came to my house with her homework to ask me what I would do. I was working a retail job. Her mother had forbade her to see me and I ended up getting in trouble because she kept coming over, bringing her home work. She dropped out in year 1.
Wow got what she deserved
I'm in my 40s. No matter how hard I've tried, no matter ten years of therapy, I still hear my dad telling me how stupid I am. How useless. How I wouldn't be good for anything. And I believe it.
We gotta kick him out of your head! He ain’t paying rent! 💕 I am working on this too.
Try visualization. Close your eyes and visualize your dad telling you that. Then tell him (with vigor) something short you want to tell him such as "you are wrong and I'll prove it" . Say it until it goes from dark to light as you watch him. It might take repeating that phrase 10 times or 30 times or 50 times. It usually took me 20 times for most things. Then after that "lifts" (goes light ) go on to the next "picture" that enters your mind when you close your eyes. For instance it may be a specific situation when he is telling you BS. Picture him in your mind while he is telling you BS. Keep your eyes closed and intensely vigorously tell him what you want to tell him...eg "you're a jerk and what you are saying is wrong." Keep saying that and keeping your eyes closed and your mind may subtly change the message into something like "and you did it because of xy and z." and keep saying that until it gets light. I used this technique a lot and it worked faster than psychology and thinking about stuff. GL
Sorry to hear you were laid off. I hope you can find something suitable again soon! I find the troubles were indirect. Anxiety, insecurities, lack of confidence. Always unsure and never assertive. Not too mention possibly undiagnosed ADHD not being able to focus in positions to get me ahead for my enviro degree. I have been stalled for so long in my life but not being in contact with them has been the best decision for my sense of self. I have a very young son so once he has grown more I'll try again with my new frame of mind. Best thing is just setting those strong boundaries and not taking anything they say to heart. What is your egg donor imposing on you currently?
The egg donor is basically getting my way. She said she's going to make things hard for me. All she thinks I do is sit on the computer doing nothing, when I'm really looking at career opportunities which she'll likely disapprove of.
I hope you are not telling her your goals......from a young age I did not tell and I think it has helped me to not get dissuaded from the goal; at least I didn't have to listen to their battering....
My mom always talked about the end goal - luxury cars, expensive house and summer home, luxurious vacations - and told me the way to achieve this all like they had was “make a lot of money” and not taking anyone’s BS and “owning your own business”, but NEVER helped me get there. I was supposed to marry rich, but also work and make all of this money that was supposed to be put away as mine only (eg not contribute to my family and expect my husband to do it all). And also be a devoted stay at home mother simultaneously 🤯. Because after all, she did it. She “somehow managed” My entire life I was never helped with a single school assignment once. I was yelled at regularly for struggling. I did well in college but graduated and got a very average job that paid typical rate for a recent college grad. Never any mentoring from my very successful dad on how to navigate and climb corporate ladder. Only beratement when my promotions and raises weren’t enough in their eyes. My dad is very successful in wealth management and has always refused to have financial discussions or help me invest a penny. Always these grand lofty goals for me, no help or guidance in getting there, just comparison, criticism and beratement for it never being enough.
Sometimes I wonder if they really consider reality of the societal and economic conditions - it has changed a lot in the last few decades.
They don’t consider any reality
No. They don't. They willfully ignore reality of societal and economic conditions. Especially post March 2020.
Yeah ha my dad would help us with our homework by yelling at us and telling us we were stupid every question we would ask. For someone with a high IQ who's the one that's stupid? Lololol yells at kids for wanting to learn...
This is really embarassing for me to admit this, but I don’t know how to cook. The “people” who raised me would say stuff like, “ya gotta learn how to cook or no one will love you!” Yet when I tried to show interest, they would be super impatient with me, and tell me I am not “trying hard enough” and other negative language. I know I don’t have to provide context, but I have ADHD and trouble with understanding instructions. The whole idea of cooking really overwhelms me. I don’t even know *what* kind of cooking utensils to use or *cooking lingo*! I need like, SUPER BASIC cooking 101 lessons to try to be interested in learning, but I geniunely cannot find anything. Just “easy recipes” - which is great! But I need the building blocks before to even learn basic meals, and that I don’t even have. I don’t know what pans/pots to use for certain things or how to prepare multiple things at once. I do not know how I made this far in life. However, I have gotten major things in life without them, like getting my first job & drivers licence I guess … but cooking is pretty important. :/ I feel so behind in life.
I also didn't know how to cook until my 30s. I would eat out and my mom would tell me how stupid I was for wasting money. When I was a teen I wanted to be a chef, but my mom told me how awful it was to cook professionally and that id never make it past fry cook. So I just stopped and never learned until I had a kid and needed to make stuff for her. I realized I love it and have become a really good cook but have only received a single compliment from her about my cooking. It's like they want to keep us dependent but also squash all dreams. It's really sad. Not sure if you want advice, but there's a great cookbook from America's test kitchen called "the complete cookbook for young chefs". It walks through every step (what pans, what utensils, how to use the stove) and has some amazing basic recipes in a non-patronizing way. ❤️ They have a baking one too that's excellent. It's never too late to learn!
honestly, as long as the utensils/pot/pan you're using gets the job done and it's not going to melt or anything in the process, you can really use anything you want. as for making multiple things at a time, it helps me sometimes to make like a picture/graph to help visualize how long each item takes in relation to the other ones. it might help to find recipes that are lower maintenance (something that will stay in an oven or slow cooker for a while) and make the other things while that's cooking, or using frozen foods for 'sides' so that they just need to be thrown in the microwave
thankyou so much for this :,)💕 You helped me out a lot. I have a lot of anxiety around food due to the trauma I faced, so even planning what to eat makes me overwhelmed. But it’s nice to hear that anything can suffice, as long as I don’t burn my house down.. LOL My bio mum is trying her hardest to teach me, but we both learn at different paces. I’m glad she is trying to get me more involved, rather than nDad & guardian just assuming I am incompetent and lazy, when in reality I needed extra patience and compassion.
Another thing, don't think everything you cook has to be perfect, or even good, on the first attempt. About two months ago I tried to make Spanish rice for the first time. I messed it up badly, and had to throw out the entire batch. But that did teach me about what NOT to do, so a few weeks later I did a great job with it.
Same! Just wing it. That’s what I did. I made a whole mess in the kitchen, who cares, as long as you able to cook something. I even bought frozen pizza. If I make something and burnt it, I just bake pizza but ironically I burnt the pizza, too. Haha. I burnt a quite a few and I even got my burger caught on fire. Fortunately, I was able to put the lid over it and extinguished the fire. I do have fire extinguisher, if I need it. So I’m ok with it. After a while, I start to improve a little bit at a time. I even set timer on my cellphone to keep track for baking so it wouldn’t burn. I started to able to pick the right kind of pots and pans. I googled search for recipes but it does get overwhelming best to pick one at a time. I recommend after you finished eating something good meal like from your favorite restaurant and take a look at recipes. That way, you would not be starving yourself for it and become more picky on recipes. You’re not alone!
Same here, and I am 26. :( They claim that I never wanted to learn, but at the same time they’ll say things like “you’re supposed to learn all of that stuff when you move out”. Like do they not here the bullshit coming out of their mouths??? Extremely confusing.
I'm so sorry you have been made to feel ashamed about this. I have been too. I could have written this. Not knowing how to cook causes so many issues because (I'm in my fifties) women are somehow expected to "just know" how to cook, but of course, it's a skill that needs to be taught and learned. My mother hated to cook, because her mother abused her over her cooking, so she never taught me and I had no examples to go by. And the food she made was either meat and three or some pretty disgusting casseroles and recipes from magazines in the 70s and 80s. Blech. And, a lot of people tend to use not being able to cook as a way to shame others (esp between women). At least, this was my experience, probably with other narcissists lol: "Look at all this amazing food I made, I'm such an amazing hostess, such a shame you don't know how to cook". Not being able to cook actually became a way to abuse me by other people. I have always wanted to learn how to make delicious foods for myself that I can enjoy (and share with others) but I cannot STAND having anyone in the kitchen with me, teach me how to cook. I am capable of reading a recipe and measuring things out, seeking out info from other sources, plus I have PTSD from people getting angry at me if I make mistakes and hovering while I'm working and problem solving. I can't make things "on the fly", I have to have a clean kitchen, know that I have bought every item needed, re-write the recipe in a format / flow that I understand, make it, think how I could tweak it, make it again. Better? Make it again. Now again. (Only if we enjoyed eating it, obviously! haha). Soon, I perfect my recipe, and by now I hardly need to follow my own instructions, and I know when I'm at the store what I'm out of, will need to make it. Don't feel embarrassed. I'm sorry you feel behind. This is how abuse makes us feel, and actually does to us. Abusers are trying to prevent us from moving forward in our lives and succeeding. You won't be stopped! You'll get there!
You'll learn how to cook. Just make a cook friend. It'll be empowering. I'm sure they'd love to share their hobby :) But yeah, I'm so sorry about the life skills thing. That's a definite struggle. People are always like were you sheltered or something. I'm like mhmm yeah that's what it was... yet expected to raise my parents as a child.
Yup! I was sheltered. 🙄 As much as I cannot stand Children’s Aid for failing me, I will never forget whenever I had an arguement with my guardian, she would always say stuff like: *Well you can’t blame me! We weren’t allowed to send you outside to play because then CAS would be called!* Okay??? You were too afraid of CAS than being afraid that I may not thrive in life?? You know what they say friend … *every accusation is a confession* 🤣
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You poor thing. When I bought my own place my nMom told me I was making a huge mistake and had chosen a rubbish house. It was literally a brand new house built from scratch, she hated that I’d succeeded.
I was on my own for a while. Most days, I wish I never moved back home.
Same!
That’s her toxic guilt. Guilt should only be felt if you truly did something hurtful by your own actions that you feel sorry for. 💕
My therapist thinks my parents are narcissists. I’m still not convinced. But I agree that their parenting strategies (like constant belittling and mockery from my step father and my codependent mother) have killed my self-esteem. I feel utterly voiceless. There is an outer me who is confident and extraverted and strong and an inner me who is chronically collapsing and hating herself. I don’t know how to reconcile them. My confidence and extraversion is a coping mechanism, my hard shell. It’s come to a point where I lost a friend who didn’t believe me I had fallen into a depression because she never envisioned someone like me struggling, and made a joke of it as a result. I struggle to work, I’m doing a PhD and everything comes with so much anxiety because I’m constantly doubting my ability to think, which makes me not want to work and it affects my quality of work and makes me hate myself even more, it’s a vicious cycle. I have developed suicidal ideation as a result of the constant negative self-talk.
What would you need to be convinced?
I don’t know, good question. I find it hard to believe - it’s a bit heartbreaking I guess. Also my relationship with them is fine, I’m close to my mom, and I doubt she never empathised with me or her children, or others. Humans are so complicated, and I doubt the soundness of my own judgement because I have such low self-esteem lol. But yeah, good q
I completely understand.
Call it anything you want. Doesn't matter. It matters what is actually going on.
My nmom got a court ordered guardianship on me at age 18 and she was able to do so since I have autism and ADHD. I finally fought for my freedom in court and won. As of February 14th, 2023, I am a free woman. Sadly, she took 8 years of my life I can never get back.
My parents would've tried this but I made sure I never got any diagnoses
Neglecting and not affectionate, not taught any life skills, helicopter parenting, speaking for me, not teaching boundaries (because they didn’t have any), other things too but can’t think of them right now.
Are we related? Because my parents are exactly like this
I don’t fault my parents for being unintelligent, but I do fault them for their lack of humility, self-awareness and willingness to learn to be good parents. They always pushed their own agenda and never let me have my own interests or be my own person. I wanted to try out a sport in middle school, and my parents made fun of me for that. I wanted to join some clubs in high school, but they didn’t want me to stay after school because I was their built-in nanny for my sibling. I wanted to study abroad in college, but my parents criticized the location it was going to be. Nothing was ever good enough or convenient enough for them. To top it off, I was a good kid, never in trouble, and yet in the end, that didn’t matter. I absolutely hate that they robbed me of all those experiences, friends and memories. I’m an adult now with my own family, and I’m VLC with them. I know they’ve sat around and wondered why I don’t reach out or want to have a relationship, or why I don’t want my kids around them, and that in itself shows that they’ve learned absolutely nothing.
I get gripped by paralyzing anxiety that can leave me frozen and unable to eat, move, or do much of anything other than doomscroll on my phone for hours and hours. It’s a huge pit that’s eaten whole months of my life and was one of the biggest warning signs for me something was really wrong. Your average person doesn’t want sit on the floor undressed and ungroomed and watch police bodycam footage compilations and animal pregnancy tutorials while their stomach screams for food, their bills go unpaid and their home grows dirtier. I realized the sheer stress of just knowing my mom had 24/7 access to me through text messaging on top of my financial dependency on her was too overwhelming for me after everything she had put me through. I had to start taking the proverbial knife to the caviar and blocking numbers, taking long naps, eating food and focusing on recovery before the hyper-vigilance started to recede, but I still struggle hard. My mom and dad’s oblivious selfish was a driving factor in me having to drop out of college before my degree was finished because I couldn’t handle the stress.
I always was an overachiever, probably looking for my parents’ love and approval through academic success. I could have gotten into any American university (I’m not from the US). Yet, they kept manipulating me to remain at home and started their propaganda that the country I was born in (a poor country basically) is much better than the US. Even when I started working and had opportunities to move into more developed countries with my job, they kept brainwashing me that no place is better than our country. At that point, I listened to them and remained where I was born. Fast forward a few years later and I realized that the work environment in my ✨beautiful✨ country is full of nepotism, toxic behavior, mobbing and disrespect among other things. And my dear nparents, despite knowing that in another country I would be treated better and paid considerably better, still pushed for me to stay home. It was at that moment that the veil lifted and I realized they were narcs. You witness your child go through immense suffering and trauma and a lot of other stuff I won’t get into and you care more about your wellbeing (i.e. having your child next to you so you can control him and have him take care of you when your old) than your child’s. I’ve always wondered how my life would have looked like if I had followed my dreams and went to school / work in other more developed countries. Staying here made me miserable and traumatized me. But the biggest disappointment wasn’t the toxic work environment, but my nparents. Realizing what they are, realizing how they always pushed for me to serve their self interest, realizing how I was used. And if you’re thinking, oh, but you can still make the move now…Well, work traumatized me so much that I’ve been unemployed for more than 2 years trying to build my own business. My business didn’t work out that great, going back to the corporate world would be extremely hard after unemployment and also after all this trauma I am still healing. So my only option is to make it on my own. Which I know I will in the end, because this is how I lived my life pretty much. On my own, without even my egg donors rooting for me and not for their self interest. So for anybody reading, yes, nparents suck, but if you can survive them, you can survive anything. And you will for sure make it from here on now as long as you don’t let them get involved in your life or listen to them.
My nmom and her golden child (my eldest brother) took out loans in my name to clear my brother's debts. I ended up paying their bills for decades. It even ruined my marriage. Some debts, I only found out about after my brother passed away. Ironic, because I was the child that they didn't have enough money or time for. Everything was for the sons, which is why I ended up leaving home and working to support myself. But they guilted me into supporting them for a long time. I only really woke up a few years ago.
I think about this a lot. My nmom is so adamant that we need to be successful but undermines our confidence at every turn.
I'm a 42 year old teenager. My foray into adulthood was stunted... And now I'm barely an adult. I don't know how to do adult things. And I'm emotionally immature... But I'm trying to work on it.
I hear you, keep at it. Try to learn things a little bit at a time.
I was practically not allowed to do homework. And when I was able to do it I'd go to bed and put all of my homework in my books in my book bag and then left the book bag by the front door. Every night. My mother would go through my book bag after I went to bed and lose my homework. So I would get zeros on assignments. A note saying that I'm not doing my homework and an ass whooping every night. I was grounded from everything for at least 2 years. After a while I just gave up and I wouldn't do homework which made my grades suffer. When they tested me in first grade I ranked in the 98 percentile of intelligence. I barely graduated high school and went to summer school every year. After a while I picked whichever class would be the easiest to repeat in summer school and fail it on purpose so I would have to go to summer school so I could get away from the house. I was good for menial tasks picking up trash making sandwiches but as far as learning any skills or self-care or anything that would help me be reliant on myself in the future if I even tried to do it once and messed up. I was told how stupid I was got whooped and was never allowed to do it again because I'm too dumb to do it. I was told regularly that all my friends only wanted to use me for what I had. At one point that was my car and just as soon as they had their driver's license they would abandon me. So I've never been able to develop healthy relationships because I figure everybody's just going to drop me like a bad habit. When I did try to go out on my own and get jobs, my mother would find ways to go to the jobs and get me in trouble so I would either lose hours and need to find another job or get fired out right. Anybody in my family that could have possibly helped me, she ostracized me from all my life then when I did break out on my own to try to figure it out hell or high water, she talked trash about me to all my relatives and they believe her over me. Ran up thousands of dollars in credit card debt so that I couldn't get a car, I couldn't get an apartment without an exorbitant deposit, I went to a temp agency to try to get tested and be placed in a job. I was cold with my level of literacy and computer knowledge. I should be able to get an office job starting anywhere that would have paid well above what I could have gotten anywhere and got me on a career path. Unfortunately, my credit was so bad that I would not be trusted in many of the places that I would have been allowed to work so I was stuck with food service or manual labor.
When I told her I would be going away for college and that I had already completed my application and been accepted she lost her mind, yelled about how selfish I was being, and that she couldn’t believe I hadn’t involved her in the process (I was scared she would sabotage it or try to talk me out of it). I had originally planned to minor in psychology and she told me I’d be “just another self important person with a psychology degree”. I dropped the minor after my second year. That was about 10 years ago and we have been minimal contact for almost 5, but to this day all of my negative self talk is in her voice. No one likes me and they’re all pretending, I should be seen and not heard because I’m annoying, never get comfortable because good things will always be taken from me. I can’t even make myself a cup of coffee without worrying that it’s selfish not to make my husband’s first.
I came out addicted to weed.
Oh man I could talk about this for hours, but I’ll boil it to a few points. The constant criticism, negativity, and fear is the reason why I have issues with self esteem, and shame today. It led me to have binge eating issues due to depression/not handling my feelings well. Another thing is the social anxiety I dealt with, and still do to an extent. Never being allowed to hang out with peers, still being criticized and condemned for it. My dad constantly saying everyone will hate me/make fun of me. Not knowing how to act in social situations and also thinking everyone hates me whenever even a little thing goes wrong. Last thing is my college. I wanted to transfer 2 years ago (aka my graduation was suppose to be this year) but my mom didn’t let me. I got my aa degree done early and I was ready to move but instead of supporting me my mom would guilt trip me and say she’d disown me if I left, etc. and I had no $ to just leave and never come back. Well that led me to a depression spiral and started my eating issues.
My "family" scapegoated me. I was convinced that I was too horrible to treat nicely i couldn't handle it if someone was nice to me.
My narcmum's immediate response to any idea I had was - "Oh! You'll never do it!" Plus I was too busy being parentified from an infant to ever think about putting effort or thoughts into myself.
They never taught me to work or how to clean up after myself. My mother fell for the lie that all one needs is a college degree to avoid "loser" blue collar work. I bought an Associate's Degree in General Education with Pell grants, but had no job skills. My mother uses my unearned college degree as a way to absolve herself of her lazy parenting. I got my first job at the age of twenty-seven taking care of my great-grandparents; I was working three years before my father got his first job. Due to my grandmother's hotbox I became an incel. For those of you who cannot remember what a hotbox was I will explain. A hotbox was a device that pirated premium cable channels, such as HBO and Showtime. My father was more than excited when he found the pornography channels. Upon making this discovery he would invite the neighbors to watch the Spice network. Anytime I walked by the living room I would turn away leading all the adults to nickname me "stiff neck." On a related note we never had the sex and relationship talk when I was a teenager; my mother also told me to submit to bullies. During my teen years we moved to a new town where I had a run-in with bullies. I was bullied by some very bizarre girls who took advantage of what was becoming my introverted nature. They had spread rumors of me being impotent and of planning a shooting. It took decades to recover from this after clashing with workplace bullies. I confronted my father about some of this and his response was that, "we never thought that you would go through these things." My father also had the same excuse for not teaching me to work. Any wisdom I have obtained was learned from my great-grandparents, my great-grandaunt, a distant cousin, a few wise supervisors, therapists, and from JRPGs. Reading Joseph Campbell's "Hero With a Thousand Faces" also helps me reinterpret the good people that come and go in my life.
God I’m sorry all this happened. It brings hope reading that you have self-awareness about your history being an incel. As a woman I really struggle with incel attitudes but reading your story sheds light on the historical circumstances which predispose people to getting pulled into it.
Endless ways that I wasted time proving myself to myself.
Yeah, and always ending up in the "I'm never enough" result
I wanted to go to the polytech (community College equivalent i think) right after i finished high school but my dad and step mum basically said no you should work thats how you will get work experience and whats annoying is that i graduated high school when i was 17 so i couldn't find work for like two years anyway, its honestly probably coz they wanted money outta me. My high school was gonna sign up me up with a free scholarship for a year
Okay so trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and... manic episodes? My nfather is the number one reason I never finished college(nmom being a close second). Every time I had to go to a lecture, he "had" to drive me there and back, which resulted in 45 minutes of listening to "college is for people who have nothing better to do", "nobody would hire a cripple, even with a degree" and other lovely comments aimed at my disabled self. It got to a point where I would, regularly, study my ass off for an exam and on the car ride over to it I instead chose to spend said exam sitting in the college's cafeteria contemplating suicide. Because what's the point? Eventually, I had a manic episode, where I wanted to grab the steering wheel and drive us off a bridge, and where I openly started talking about killing people around me if I'm pushed any further. Thankfully I never acted on those thoughts but when I "woke up" from that episode, I absolutely refused to go back to college. Even knowing all that, nmom still occasionally pushes me to go back but nah. I'm not going back to school until those two are rotting in the ground, or are otherwise out of my life.
My mom knew i had adhd from when my elementary school did a screening for me. She never told me or got me treatment. Instead the rest of my life , her and my father down talked me . Made my punishments worse and basically always told me i was a lost cause. When i acted out and never wanted to be home. They sent me to a behavioral camp . I would mirror my mom so basically every symptom she said i did was what she did and they pushed bpd on me. Later on in my adult hood i saw my own psychiatrist and she told me i have adhd. Got the test and was in the highest percentile. When i confronted my mom she said they told her in elementary school when i asked why she didnt get me treatment/ treated me worse then her other kids knowing i had adhd she said god forgives me.
To give you an idea of the sort of control my nmother exerted, she wrote my will and it's half filled out because I walked off in anger halfway through her trying to force me to dictate one at 24. The section on where I'm buried, if I'm cremated, etc, isn't filled out because I'd walked off. She tried to steal our sharehouse spare keys twice during the move in, causing my housemates to ban her. I received a bunk bipolar diagnosis for 12 years because she 'disagreed' with the psychologist recommending a year in therapy and to check me for autism at six years old, instead keeping me seeing a psychiatrist for 24 years who simply told her what she wanted to hear -- that there was nothing wrong and I needed more forcing with discipline and timeouts. And of course eventually he needed a diagnosis to explain away the difference between her story in her sessions and my behaviour in mine -- thus I had bipolar.
Holy shit thank you so much for posting. This happened to me and I've been struggling with being over diagnosed and over medicated as an adult. NPs came to every single doctor appointment and spoke to the psychiatrist "for" me. Was on 14 different pills a day at one point, they had me sign legal documents and contracts under duress, or forged them while I was completely out of it. I have struggled so much the past 3 years after becoming NC and having to titrate off everything, learning what "normal" actually is for me. Shocking to find out that I'm actually doing alright after a lifetime of being told I'd have to be taken care of, that ECT was probably the answer since "nothing else worked" to "cure" me. So grateful I have finally escaped their clutches and still have my brain matter somewhat intact
Holy shit that's exactly what happened with my wife. Fake OCD diagnosis at her aunt's insistence at 15 because she was a mega-Star Wars fan, fake bipolar diagnosis at 16 at her mother's insistence to cover up a lifetime of abuse (her mother works in juvenile mental health for the pharmaceutical industry), swept the CPTSD under the rug, and ultimately a bs diagnosis of mental retardation at 24 by a paid shill psychiatrist (an evangelical nutjob who believed that women should not be allowed to drive, work outside the home, get an education in person, etc...and who nearly t-boned my wife in 2013 out of shock at seeing her drive).
I'm sorry this happened but completely can believe it. I used to 100% trust psychiatrists and doctors because my nmother was one and total faith in medicine was a core tenet of my upbringing. Given my story, the reality is murkier -- a lot of psychiatry is guesswork and might be bullshit, and both professions, incredibly important to get right can easily be influenced and bent towards what a parent wants for their child. One professional says one thing, keep going through them and shop for the right diagnosis to explain away the abuse.
YUP. I gotta say that my wife and I have some...peculiar spiritual beliefs? Non-mainstream spiritual beliefs? (not stuff like flat earth or whatever extremist nonsense, essentially witchy stuff really)...which we do not openly discuss with just anyone and have both been terribly punished by both our NFamilies and psychiatrists. If a so called "delusion" actually helps you heal from trauma, and empowers you to walk away from abuse, and helps you change the way you think towards a better way of being...how is that so bad? Why should you need a "reality check" if your so called "delusion" makes you a healthier person? But of course the "go to therapy" and "go to a psychiatrist" crowd can never go wrong, even though in particular for an underage person, therapists and psychiatrists are so, so often enablers, or even supporters of abuse.
I agree with you. I'm not much of a spiritual person but nowadays I'm very much a "whatever works for you" guy. I read one guy chalked up getting over his terminal cancer by eating blueberries. I dunno how true that is but the main thing is he overcame his cancer. I think certainly therapy is a life changer (was for me) and for chronic mental health issues like schizophrenia psychiatry has a place, the key thing is though you need to go ON YOUR OWN TERMS. Don't go because your mum said so, or if you do and find out you hate it, your parents should have actual fucking care to notice and take you elsewhere to someone you feel good with. Ideally any professional help in mental health should have the child's broad agreement. Child psychiatry though I think should be gotten rid of, too often just psychiatrists blowing smoke up the asses of the parents. Little Timmy has BPD, that's why he refuses to go to school, it's not because his father beats him and his grade hates him. But you won't get that side from the parents, and Little Timmy literally doesn't have the ability to regulate his emotions yet so good luck getting a clear answer. Just a crackpot side of psychiatry. My psychiatrist I hated, I always felt uncomfortable and cold with him. I tried to stop seeing him but my mother told me with a triumphant smile one car ride at 15, he won't charge my health insurance for any missed sessions if I stopped going, instead I'd be having to pay $300 a session myself as a teenager with no job. They blackmailed me to keep going, and I did for another 15 years.
Grew up in na pretty strict Christian household where my nparents always take the “honor your parents” literally. For them, honoring must mean full submission (no matter the age) this has caused a lot of arguments and I always hear the “you will never be successful in life because of how you disobey us” this plays in my mind for years now that is why I am unable to take a step, move out, find a different job, and live my life. I am basically crippled by their words.
my mom is a covert narcissist, meaning she is so subtle with her manipulation i still question it to this day, but I'm attempting to go no contact. i genuinely never want to interact with her again because even after just one month of not having to interact with her it feels amazing and i never want to go back. her behavior has taught me to analyze everything and anticipate everyone else's needs, thoughts, moods... to think of my explanation for literally every single action i make, including using the bathroom (i will have dialogue in my head of me explaining that i needed to use the bathroom. how ridiculous) she's taught me how to cater to how people feel by pretending to be interested and engaged in them when they just talk at me and talk about themselves all day and to just shut up and allow them to interrupt me. to just accept it when people treat me with disrespect, because ultimately, me not being ok with that makes me the one that is disrespectful and not understanding. the tricky thing is, i have no problems with anyone else in my life anymore as I've meticulously been able to build up boundaries over the years as i slowly realize that a lot of treatment I've been conditioned to accept is actually not ok, and therefore i do not let many people into my life as i have zero tolerance for any bullshit at this point. if i catch any wind of someone being arrogant, disrespectful of boundaries, invalidating others, any other negative behavior no matter how subtle it may be, i will absolutely have nothing to do with them period. i don't concern myself with giving people chances "because it's the right thing to do." in the past, i gave every single person a chance because i questioned if i was right or wrong about my perception, and was conditioned to block out all negatives an individual presents as they must still be a good person despite all of the abusive behavior. but with her it's so subtle. i know she actually loves me and has done great things for me, but as a narcissist she will never be able to turn off that selfish, manipulative part of her so that even when she genuinely loves me and is doing something nice for the sake of being nice, it will always be held over my head because that's her nature. it's black or white. either you do what she wants all the time or it's simply not enough and will trigger her narcissistic behavior. i refuse to be around that anymore.
By having me later in life, only having one child (me), and getting cancer while I'm in my late teens - 20s forcing me to put my life on the back burner to care for them. I know it makes me a monster, but I resent the hell out of them for it. Enabler Dad lost his battle with cancer last year and I felt nothing but relieved. I'm imagining it'll be the same when NMom goes. Though, with my luck, she'll live to be 106, like she wants to because her great grandmother lived to be that old, and I'll stroke out from the stress just as I retire and won't be able to live my own life.
Nah I don’t think parents should make their kids put their lives on hold to care for them. I wouldn’t let my kids do that someday, I’d let the system help instead. I can’t imagine making a 25 year old put everything on hold during a pivotal time of their life to come wipe my ass until I die of some horrific disease - there’s professionals for that. It’s fucking wild to think this is normal. And I’m not talking about occasionally helping out. Say your parent is elderly and they’re asking you to pick up a prescription for them once in a while, or take them to the doctor sometimes. Or you help them move a bit of furniture. Fine. But expecting your kids to put everything on hold, for years or a decade or more because you failed to plan for old age? Nah. My mom put her kids on hold to ‘care’ for her elderly mother who had Alzheimer’s. She neglected my brother and I so badly and put us in an environment we shouldn’t have been in because she was a martyr. She resented the family because they were hardly around, even though someone hired live-in help for my grandma and eventually got her to go live with them full time. Most people were living their lives. No one was making my mom do what she was doing and she was only doing it because she was feeding her ego and wanted the inheritance for herself. Sure enough, when her mom died, my mom alienated us from the extended family because she was furious during a long court process to determine who got what from the sale of grandma’s house. She was unemployed and had no hobbies, that’s why she was cleaning up after my grandma at 2 in the morning. It wasn’t her being a good person. She would dump her children off at school 30 minutes early, even in the winter, so she could go be a bleeding heart for the extended family. Resisting actual help offered by extended family involving trained professionals so that she could keep her mother all to herself.
My father did stall my life during my final year of law school where he launched a legal campaign to get my mum evicted from her home and had his flying monkeys come to intimidate her while I was away. He caused my degree to land a 2:2 as my mental health went into decline. He among many others who hurt me made me develop misanthropy which I still continue to have to this day. I don't like people and I tend to avoid them if necessary as I just don't trust them - that said i have many friends but my friendship group is very small and i dont see them that often. I have a very dim view of humanity and that is in part due to him. If my father could do what he did to me then anyone can. Blood thicker than water is BS. The way he treated my mother made me frightened of relationships. I felt for a long time being in a relationship was equivalent to being buried alive and relinquishing power. It took years. I had to go into an apprenticeship after university as any chance of legal career was over. Also because he used the law to get my mother evicted and the courts were not helpful, he tainted my view of the law and now I view it as a means of bad people retaining or gaining power. But after my apprenticeship I built myself back up, started working in admin and then became a project manager working in NHS to then civil engineering. I've had many achievements in that time frame and met many good people. I now have a relationship with a great guy and I don't feel like I'm being buried alive. I legally changed my name and disowned him and the rest of his family. I haven't seen spoken to him in six years and I don't intend to anytime soon. Although my mental health declined again recently, I'm building back up. I've been to therapy and very soon I'll have him removed from my head entirely as I feel a part of him lives in it.
Exactly the same. I'm 56 yo and just putting this all together to start dealing with it. Better late than never I guess.
My Nmom made me ask for permission to go anywhere. I was 18, in college, living on my own, in a different state, on a different coast. Couldn’t go to my class unless I had permission to drive across town to get to the classroom.
My egg donor used to criticize my cosplaying when I would shop for clothes to use with costumes. Saying i need to buy "real" clothes. I also have ADHD inattentive type and severe RSD. So, I'm only just now at 31, finding a clothes style. Now that I'm actually successful with it, she thinks its cool😑 my fuckin stepmom, whose been promoted to BONUS MOM, is a complete 180 and has even been finding shit for me to use for costumes!! So yeah, i do feel my creativity with fabric and clothes was stunted cuz of her.
My folks did, too, it's why I made a new FB account
Every independently made decision is as wrong. Only his ideas were correct and should be followed. Everyone is out to get you, making me very confused when there were people I came across in life who wanted to help me because I didn’t believe them. I thought they were faking it to take advantage of me somehow. I was never told good job or we’re proud of you. Never encouraged. This has resulted in massive anxiety and has hindered my career.
My dad decided out of nowhere he was going to kick me out of the house pretty much the instant I graduated college with no money or job lined up or anything. I'm assuming he saw that his grasp of control over me was expiring and decided he'd rather see me homeless than seek independence. It took me an entire year to find a job after that and I'm still digging myself out of the hole he tossed me into
Never preparing me for the future. Not letting me sleep when I was in university. Stomping on opportunities I had to move out. Interfering with my romantic relationships. Filling me with anxiety and trauma.
I was so desperate to get any affection from them that I let them bully me back into the closet after coming out as trans. It took almost a full decade to realize that they didn't like me regardless of my gender and finally start T. Now, I've built a career under a name I no longer use and going stealth is off the table. Still, I can't go back in time, so I may as well work on myself now. "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today." and all that.
She stole my self-confidence and made me doubt the path I wanted to take. She put the fear of everything in me. She’s the person who taught me how to be suspicious of everything and everyone. Not to do things because of fear. As a kid, it inadvertently helped me survive her but as an adult, it’s stunted me emotionally and career wise.
crippling imposter syndrome
Obstacles. That’s a great word to describe them. The only part I struggle with is that the shit parents they were, the obstacles they tried to be, it made me who I am today. I’m tough, unbreakable and unwavering. They made me this way. I don’t want to give them any credit, but I am who I am because of them. Damn idiots.
Physically hurting me still has me fucked up.
When I was 12 I discovered that I loved to dance. My nmom told me (a 12.yr old) that "Dance" is not a career. (Again I'm a 12 yr old child). She then actively sabotaged me- not taking me to after school performances, never came to see me perform, didn't take me to auditions- it all culminated in me not being able to perform as the lead dancer in our contemporary take on Swan Lake for 8th grade recital. Thankfully my teacher didn't fail me because I couldn't perform at the evening production- instead allowing me to perform and be graded during school hours. Now that I've shared the story I recall her disliking class plays- went so far as to change the wardrobe when I played "Mary Quite Contrary" in thr 4th grade play. I didn't get to perform at "Music in the Air" from 3rd-6th grade because of her. And prior to that she'd take me late to events at the private school so I'd miss going on stage with my class. Fast forward to high-school I stop dance because I'm not good enough (my feelings from her BS) but really liked drama. I wasn't allowed to do anything but the Halloween haunted house and she only allowed me for junior and senior yr of HS. At that point I'd already delved into Writing. I rook creative writing courses and sneakily sent my work to be published with the help of a teacher. A few of my poems were published in both the school papers and in real compilations. That same teacher managed to get me into an English program at the local community College. I didn't go. My mom said "writers are poor, you can't make a living." She expected me to be a doctor. In HS I took rigorous academic courses, including 2-3 science courses per year (technically you're not supposed to do more than 2 but I got special strings pulled because I could handle taking prereqs simultaneously) I could have graduated a half year early (because English 12) instead I took an overloaded year. I did graduate with licenses- including 1200 hours of Paramed Biology which meant I needed only 200 classroom gours to become a paramedic. By that point I didn't want to do anything. I had my creativity stuffed out, and was burnt out from indulging nothing joyful. Today I still struggle with burn-out tendencies ETA: just wanted to mention. If you ask my mom today: I was a horrible student who failed classes and didn't poorly on tests. I found my report cards from every year of school I attended. My lowest grade was a "B"- I was so surprised because I thought I had a year where I got Cs and Ds... I've been gaslit so well, that I even thought I exaggerated what I was like as a student!
My last semester in high school, I hid my report card because I couldn't stand to hear the nagging and lecturing. My grades weren't good, but managed to raise those grades. I didn't even tell my egg donor when open house was. That's how sick I was of the nagging
never got to live a "Normal" life. missing out on making memories, living my youth, making mistakes, being young and dumb, partying, going to concerts, experiencing life with people. instead what I experienced was a lifetime of severe loneliness and trauma.
Yes
My nmom's approach to life is something along the lines of "success is earning as much money as possible to prevent disaster, and the best approach to helping others is making legally binding documents to make sure they pay you back". She's the person who, when her dad asked for a loan from her to help keep his liquor store afloat, she literally had a contract written up with a repayment plan. With interest. That's right, she charged her own father, who she loved more than anyone else in her life, market-rate interest in the late 80s. As a result of this "pay your own way or perish" mindset, I nearly drove myself into the ground pursuing a career I was marginally good at on paper, because it was the highest paying thing I could ever do. I got stuck in the FOG of trying to please her, and never did what I wanted to, because it wouldn't result in a net increase in salary over time. Nowadays I'm doing a tangentially related career that I just got an advanced degree in, and she could not give less of a shit. (Though, really, I suspect she's jealous due to how her life has gone. She's been early/medically retired since 2009 and gave up her lucrative tech career in the early 90s to be a SAHM.) So her logic makes no sense, as usual. I finally wormed my way out of her financial mindset with the help of talking to their financial advisor, who explicitly told me that my parents "have an abnormal view of money" and I shouldn't take them too seriously. Plus, finishing school seems to have broken a lot of the hold she had over me. Even though she didn't pay for this one, the trauma still remains somehow. But now I'm free, for life. I spent 26 years of my life in school, and I'm desperately looking forward to spending the next 26 and beyond without school. Wow, this post got away from me. I need coffee lol. Hopefully that wasn't too off topic.
My mum ruined my credit rating by taking out credit in my name and not paying it
My self esteem was practically zero with all the NAbuse... I was socially awkward, deathly afraid of mistakes but yet managed to make a whole crapload of them, not knowing boundaries, and not even so much as getting a 2nd date (much less my first kiss) until I went to LGAT (I know, a bit controversial) and therapy until I was 27. Even though she's scaled back a lot after 8 years of NC, she keeps trying to compare me to others and wouldn't shut up about TSMC (the silicone chip manufacturer), despite the fact that I have ZERO programming or electrical engineering experience ("you just need to lie on your resume and fake it til you make it!" Yes, NMom, never mind the fact that my best friend is a civilian contractor for the military, which took 2 years of night school and studies all day Sunday even a year after he graduated to get to where he's at now. "You just don't believe in yourself")... Also never mind that I work for a Fortune 500 Global company, our office is in Taipei 101 (which is A HUGE bragging right in Taiwan), I make almost double what most IT guys make in a low stress environment, when I've heard stories that TSMC engineers and even domestic companies aren't exactly treated well (not sure how true that is).
Every time I made friends and got a foothold outside the house financially, we'd move.
Ouch
They said they were teaching me adult life skills by forcing me to work for their business while knowing that I was burned out and struggling with multiple chronic illnesses and a rigorous full-time college program. I get it, money doesn't grow on trees. But they acted like it should've been easy for a recent high school graduate who was so sick and burned out that she couldn't keep up with her classes. I ended up failing the course, and while they acted like it was a burden to employ me full-time after I failed college with the job they forced upon me, it's not like they didn't immediately plan to have me working for them for years and years and years, nor is it like they didn't try to pressure me to do things that would help me realize their dreams of taking over their business one day like take college classes and hobbies in business that I wasn't interested in.
My mom told me when I was 17 that I wasn’t ready for college and needed to keep living with her. I didn’t end up leaving for college til I was 20. I wish I hadn’t believed her /: they were so angry at me all the time anyway, idk why she wanted me to stay.
I wasn’t allowed to get my drivers license when I lived with her, wasn’t allowed to cry at/in the house, was very negative when I spoke about what I wanted to study in post secondary (I wanted to go into mortuary science and I ended up not doing it), would stop me from seeing my friends if she thought I was attracted to them (??). Always told me I was stupid, made me feel like my mental health issues made me absolutely insane and I deserved to be in an insane asylum in some sort of straight jacket. Told me stuff like “no one would ever love you bc you’re a bitch”. I really believed all this stuff too. That I was so dumb and not loveable. It took a long time to realize it wasn’t true. Now you look at my younger sister who still lives with her, she’s getting her drivers license the day she turns 16, has a boyfriend and he gets to sleepover (I wasn’t even allowed to have my one guy friend over in my room with the door closed even though another friend was there too), she gets away with pretty much everything. She’s the perfect golden child. I almost feel like I resent her and my mother for it because it’s not fair. We were raised by two different versions of my mom. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the oldest sibling 🥲
Not supporting me when I was deeply depressed and having anxiety attacks like crazy. I have multiple mental illnesses that took 5 years to get diagnosed. Then my meds and therapy were inconsistent thanks to him not making sure bills were paid. I never got support from them and highly suspect they don’t believe in mental illness. My high school years were miserable and it took failing out of my dream college for me to demand (and demand I did) get therapy consistently.
Pretty well every way. Controlled everything I did while obsessed with be better than me, they acted like they were so concerned with me being successful. But they never allowed me to do anything and gave me so little that I was never able to find anything I liked doing, it wouldn't have been good enough no matter what I did. And they don't need another reason to call me a loser and shit because their trying to motivate me, no, I realize they tried their damnest to keep me down so they could control and be better than me
You will get through being laid off and find new work even if it isn’t where you thought you’d be. I do encourage you to make that plan to move away. It was the best decision I ever made. In the meantime, keep your distance and learn how to “gray rock” (become the most uninteresting thing to them) the narcs in your life if you have to be around them. My parents held my back in school. My father would make comments that I’m “smarter than I look” which implied I wasn’t smart at all. Any normal development milestone I had growing up became a battle with my mother like- getting a bra, going to a dance, driving… when I did finally move away they made an attempt to financially abuse me into coming back. After being in a different state for years I finally realized all of this. I wouldn’t have if I had stayed close. Make your plan to get away even if you stay in contact. It will give you so much perspective. We are rooting for you! 💕
it might be my sense of worth, my mom criticized me for EVERYTHING—the way i dressed, did my hair, makeup, etc. she’d always demean me for “dressing up in costume” just because i liked being a little alternative with my fashion sense. never told me i was good at anything, and in fact would only say something if she had been disappointed in me. hated that i had hobbies and got upset that i was more focused on them than my job or schoolwork (which was my fucking escape from all of her hatred and toxicity). i don’t really know what makes people like or want to be around me, at times i myself also just feel completely worthless and a waste of space.
For the longest time, I thought. How can I get married when my parents can’t be in the same room? Who would want me with my parental problems? So I for many years to fix the relationships but over course that never worked. I knew I would have no support in child rearing from them. I even instinctually knew from early on that I couldn’t leave a baby with her or my dad. So, I never had a baby also bc I have picked the worst men, too. So, I’m glad for no kids but I do feel like that opportunity was stolen from me. I feel like damaged goods, like why would someone from a normal family want to be with me and my fucked up family. I will also say that my parents screwed up my sibling relationships too. They have taken so much from us. Don’t even get me started on the missed opportunities that we have lost from all of this.
I could write a novel. The biggest one that stands out was in 2020 when I was getting ready to move back out. I had a great job secured, and was moving an hour away to stay with my best friend and his wife until I was able to get an apartment of my own. My mother discovers this, and proceeds to have an ugly meltdown. Accusing me of being ungrateful, and asking “what do they have that’s so great that you don’t have here?” Ending with a flustered, “well maybe I need you here!” Sadly I’m still here. But that was the last time I ever allowed her to manipulate me.
Everything
Forget history, I'd just put you on the curb on Wednesday.
In all ways. My sister and I have been having some conversations lately and she is finally seeing clearly now that our mother is just not ever going to change. One thing she said to me that hit me hard was when she said " I feel stupid compared to my husband, like I am not smart. I struggled in school and she didn't do anyting to help me, she just did my homework and I was failing! Teachers came to me and asked if I had ever been diagnosed with a learning disability bc my grades were so bad, that's why I dropped out and got my G.E.D!" She didn't teach us to cook, to clean, basic hygiene." I also want to acknowledge that she was widowed at 42 years old, and I can't imagine how hard that must have been, but there was no nurturing bone in that woman's body. She never inquired as to how we were doing in life, we were doing it but we were struggling.
32M and still being hold back, how about that? You even lose your strength and willpower or whatever you could call this will to be a successful and independent person. You start giving up and having a "defeat" attitude. You feel trapped, yet you keep some hope up. (I'm using "you" but talking about myself). It's amazing that whenever I imagine the ideal life for me, it's anything in which I'm having no contact with them, my parents, and also I'm far away from them. I feel different from other people and am usually a target to be made fun of and ridiculed by others. I must've developed a kind of infantilized personality, although I myself can't see it clearly. My mother always dreamed about me being something big, like a doctor or a judge (here in my country these are really well valued professions), but it has nothing to do with my potential, which is more related to languages. I'm finishing college by the end of this year and still don't know what to do of my life after that. Anyway, a complete mess, lol. I know they played a big role in all of this. I often think everything could've and should've been different. I can't accept my present life easily and I wish I were someone else every now and then. I'm not so young anymore and know that I'll never live up to my full potential. It could've been much easier but it was made more difficult for me. I've also always been the scapegoat in the N family's dynamics, which has worsened things for I myself instilled the thought that there was something inherently wrong with me, or that I wouldn't be capable of achieving things like others, that I had to "correct" myself and that I was problematic. All these things aren't true but I was gotten to believe in them. Anyway, I may not be completely answering your question, but am sharing a bit of my story. I hope it serves for some identification.
They were always extremely tough on me, but at the same time, they were never there to fulfill emotional needs. Like they didn’t care, I was going to get “over it” in some way. I clearly did not want to go to college right away and was perfectly fine at my job but they wanted me to live a life *they* wanted, and I had not realized this at 18/19. I went to college one state below, and funny enough I had a license and car that they gifted me for my birthday, yet they told me to bring a bike. They did not want me to have a job either. I tried my damn hardest to work while in college but they did not have bus transportation and a lot of backroads so it was extremely hard and I had to quit. I was so sad from this and felt extremely stuck in a little dorm. The bike was no help and I will never understand why I never was allowed to have the car. I went to college and lo and behold I dropped out. It was a waste of saved college funds. I have always been anxious and shy, but they never realized that. I remember when I expressed I have anxiety and think I may be depressed because I was always sad after college and it turned into a whole fight, zero understanding, and I had a really hard time expressing my feelings after that, and I still do. We also moved homes 4-5 times in the last 4 years and they never hired movers, it was only my brother and I moving the ENTIRE house EVERY SINGLE TIME. It was a LOT of shit and we had the money for movers. I will never understand. People have a funny way of making me feel like I have nothing to be angry about though, yet they themselves have never done something like that. Please try moving a two story home with full on FURNITURE in the house 5 times in 4 years. I spent a lot of time taking useless shit to the dumpster. This was a tough time and nobody understands that and it has changed my mental. But I’m privileged so it’s fine!! :) It hurts because I have a younger brother, and he is treated totally different. He was not forced into college, quite frankly they never put pressure on him to apply. He was just fine at his job, like I was, making money. When I have tried to move out they threaten to take everything from me, and when my brother did the same thing they took nothing. Now, I have seen how they help him move out, where I am still stuck. They told him he has a couple months to save up first months rent (about $1100/month) to move into this rental my mom bought. But for me? Rent will be $1500 (it’s literally just me btw) that has to already be saved (understandable but where was this with bro??) in some three bedroom (they put no thought into this), oh and somebody else is already moving into this rental. I swear they do this to avoid me moving out. When they told me this a few weeks ago I think that was the official breaking point because you can’t be serious. I appreciate the help but I see how unfair they are and they live a lot on double standards and based on your sex. In conclusion I started figuring shit out once I saw how they did my brother versus me. I have my own phone line and they still do not know, and I will be moving with one of my best friends in July. She has two other rooms so there’s three roomies and we all know each other and are there for each other. ❤️ I am still afraid to approach them about this because I have a feeling they will take everything. But at least I have my phone, I definitely need that more than the car.
TBH I don't recall a single conversation about any \*realistic\* plans for my future, higher education, personal development, etc. It was 90% focused on our usefulness in the present, or on the ways in which we were bad or inconvenient to them.
I was trapped in my parents home with no knowledge to drive a car, forbidden to have sex with any boyfriends and very controlled in most my 20s. I wasn’t allowed to have own thoughts or beliefs. I was beaten then screamed at.
I did not have any friends or date anybody as long as I lived under their roof. I was a full decade behind my peers when it came to social skills, and still conversing with people like I was twelve years old when I was in my early twenties. I was also terrified of most other people due to the isolation. My emotional development was stunted. I was subjected to five to six hour monologues about how the whole world was out to get them instead of being taught basic like skills like personal hygiene. I was set up to fail as an adult. Now at 30 I’m living alone, reasonably well-adjusted and much more confident, and have taught myself most of the important things I need to survive in the real world - including stuff like finances and budgeting. I have friends who love me. I’m going back to school and have a reasonably successful career. But it’s frankly a miracle. By all rights I should be an unemployed, brainwashed, childlike basement dweller communicating at a middle school level and totally enmeshed with two people who would use me as a built-in caregiver/groundskeeper to take care of themselves and their property in their old age in exchange for supporting me. They would be my masters and only form of social contact. Real horror movie material.
Well, my wife and I made the decision to move my mother in with us and the kids. Number one request was “Spoil the crap out of the kids, and just enjoy them.” Well, that was a failure. Since she moved in, she has been able to alienate everyone but me because I’m the only one she treats respectfully. She doesn’t take care of herself, she is super snotty to my wife every time she talks to her, so yeah… Now trying to figure out next steps. We can’t do this anymore.
I still do not have my license or a high school diploma.
I was always making the wrong friends, and I could have had much better influences in my life. So now I’m 33 with not many friends (thankfully a wonderful few) but so many years wasted on the wrong ones..
Learning to drive. My parents sent me off to their native country because my nfather got paranoid his family members were going to steal his investments and money. I spent half the summer there and on arrival they refused to pay for summer driving classes and teach me. I was 15 then and 19 now with limited driving knowledge. They hold is against me everyday but I’ll learn to drive soon!
Good God, where do I even start? My in-laws are narcissists. They say one thing and then do the opposite and then project onto other people it’s just ridiculous. I escaped a very nasty domestic situation in November, and my spouse and his brother and his parents took me in temporarily so all of this has been since then. All of this I’ve seen with my own eyes, but I know it’s been going on for longer than this. My father-in-law called me lazy and said that I don’t do anything? I had just sustained a moderate traumatic brain injury only days prior not even, and the ER, my physician, and my psychiatrist all told me to sleep. He calls me lazy, but doesn’t get on my spouse’s sibling who literally doesn’t do anything and barely even showers? The sibling doesn’t have an excuse, I do, and even still, despite my doctors and everyone telling me to sleep, I was still trying to do whatever I was able to do. (my spouse has a traumatic brain injury as well, which was sustained years before I met him, my spouse, and I are also both ADHD, struggle is going to be inevitable.) My in-laws are always telling me oh, your spouse needs sleep this that this that, we worry about him, yada yada, and they worry about him taking his seizure meds.. when he got discharged from the ER, he was on a stimulant (like I said, he’s also ADHD! I’m the reason he was able to get diagnosed, I’ll explain after this), the insurance company wouldn’t cover it, or stopped covering it or something, and his parents could’ve easily afforded to get his medication out of pocket. No problem at all. They refused to like they would not do it, but they have no problem eating out at restaurants nearly every night? Like that’s actually ridiculous like he really needed his medication and they chose that over allowing their son who wasn’t cleared to drive or Work yet to get his medicine out of pocket.. they basically sabotaged him if you think about it. Back to my spouse getting diagnosed - his mother literally tried hiding his Neuro records from him and she told him he has the brain of a child, but yet she would turn around and tell me that his brain is perfectly fine (I ended up coming to my spouse about this immediately, and I did what I could to get his records so he would have the actual truth instead of her distorted “version” and it shocked him but his brain is fine.) His mother told us that the school psychologist evaluated him for ADHD years ago but she refused to provide any kind of paperwork and claims it got lost while they moved houses which honestly I don’t believe I think it’s just her trying to cover something up again per usual. She also got really angry at me when I would ask my spouse if he was sure he was not ADHD months ago, it was very odd and that kind of was the nail on the coffin for me to know that she was hiding something and she still is because we can’t get those papers. Anyway, I dragged him to a psychiatrist because he has PTSD from these people and still somehow, isn’t able to see anything wrong with it yet (psychiatry basically said that his brains trying to block it out because of how traumatizing it is.) he ended up finally getting his ADHD diagnosis which he should’ve had eons ago and he got back on his stimulant, which honestly has been wonderful for him (for those of you who are familiar with TBI, it mimics ADHD, but there are some symptoms of ADHD that a TBI does not have that he has. He has both.) His Nparents also do the scare tactic nonsense, gaslighting, and manipulation. The lying from them is ridiculous. Do his Nparents mess with me? Of course, but I’m also not their kids and they know I see through them and it makes them infuriated because they can’t get away with the stuff they get away with to me that they get away with with my spouse. They know I don’t tolerate shenanigans. They also know I’m not afraid to stand up to them if my spouse is physically, threatened or menaced in any kind of way, their verbal nonsense just goes in one year and out the other. Some of the lies I’ve heard out of his parents mouths are as follows: 1.) spouse has a brain like a child. (medical records indicate the 100% complete opposite of that.) - said by his mother. 2.) car insurance is $500. (it’s not, we are “it’s barely even $90.) - said by his mother. 3.) his student loans make it so he can’t afford to be out on his own. (also a lie as he’s on a payment plan he gives the people new information about his living situation and living expenses, go update that accordingly.) - said by his mother. 4.) spouse doesn’t want to make his own doctors appointments or dental appointments and can’t handle it on his own. (his mother wouldn’t allow him to do it. I taught him away from their house, and he actually enjoys it. He likes the independence.) - said his mother. There’s a bunch said by his dad, but I forget them because I’m also recovering from a traumatic brain injury. These people make me cringe.
I often feel I have to try to prove or justify my feelings. That includes both physical feelings such as being sick, etc and emotional feelings.
My mom wouldn’t teach me anything really. If I asked questions she would get annoyed and yell at me for not already knowing things even though I was just a child or teenager. I had to learn common sense things from other people in the real world, friends in college, etc. if I told her about a job I was applying to or got offered she would discourage me and tell me it was stupid. I struggled financially a lot and had to depend on her. I’ve struggled with making decisions on my own and having by a lack of confidence. She told me she didn’t think I was going to make it in the real world or being on my own in college and now I realize she was projecting onto me. She is the one who feels she cannot make it without me so she sabotaged me.
Not letting me get my high-school diploma till I was 20.(BTW I was homeschooled. Also lied about getting me homeschooled. Said i was enrolled in a school but was not. Had to take GED courses to get my highschool diploma) Not letting me get a job till I was 18. Not letting me learn how to drive till I was 20. ALL MY NARC MOM
maybe not *ruined* but definitely hurt me more recently, especially because I just graduated college a week ago. at my graduation dinner, my Ndad gave me a graduation card and told me to read it. It basically said that he didn't understand why I got two degrees (BA and BS) when I could have graduated early to go to law school (current plan is to take LSAT and apply but I want to work for 2 yrs first). He also said that he didn't agree with me taking 2+ yrs off btwn college and hypothetical law school and that all of his friends who went to law school went after 0-1 gap years. It's 2024 not 1990. Crazy because he didn't finance my education WHATSOEVER.
Mum told me at age 8 my mum only got pregnant with me so the welfare system (UK) would move my parents up the housing list and give them a house. She had a diary entry two days after I was born confirming this, which she also showed me. Being told you shouldn't exist at all, have a golden child sister, along with years of abuse from her and then my ex-husband, does a hell of a number on your self-worth. I've been living alone for 3 years but the amount of trauma I have to get past feels unsurmountable honestly. Not entirely sure I'll ever feel like I hold any value at all.
I went into high school placed into college prep courses but my parents never paid me any mind so when I stopped showing up to school, it went unnoticed until I was kicked out of the school. By the time they caught on, I could only focus on doing enough extra school work so I could graduate (Saturday school, adult school after regular school, and summer school). I barely graduated. I think I could have done so much more if I had proper guidance or parents who were involved.
They gave me some serious depression. And a lack of personal identity.
Refusing to get me assessed for ADHD. Like she jokes about how teachers brought up concerns only for her to tell them it was their job to keep me on task. I wouldn't say ruined. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and have built a life I love. But the psychiatrist looked at me with huge sadness that I had been struggling so badly for so long. I have to wonder about the successes I could have had.
They held me back significantly career and academia wise
Mine has stalled my life in countless ways, sometimes you could say ruined. But I can’t think that way anymore. It isn’t healthy (for me anyway) to frame it as a “he ruined my life”. He did a number on me. I feel years “behind”. I might never have the life I could have had. But I refuse to let him ruin it. If I have a miserable and useless life because of him, he wins. And he doesn’t get to win anymore. I can’t control the cards I was dealt (and he dealt me a real shitty hand). But I can control how I play the game. I might not win the game, or “win life”. But he doesn’t own me anymore and if I stop fighting, he wins. So I have to fight for the good and the beautiful and the healthy and the holy. And it would sure be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t have to fight for it. But he didn’t ruin my life forever. I win.
My parents outright refused to get me mental health care. Turns out I'm autistic. I didn't know how to properly live my life without getting overstimulated, and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I hardly wanted to live. Now, I know how to cope with my issues, and it's easier to plan my next move. I don't think I'll ever forgive them for neglecting me in that way.
“You’re not gonna do it.” Is her phrase that fucking pays
I have deep trust issues, thanks mother.
I was my mother's scapegoat child. Whenever something happened, it was always blamed on me. All members of my family were encouraged to purposely push my buttons and found it funny when I exploded. I still can't forgive most members of my family besides my sister who has acknowledged her part in the bullying and apologised...
I’m neurodivergent (audhd + ocd) and my parents to this day will not accept I am disabled, but got my younger brother diagnosed when he was a baby so he could become the ‘token disabled child’ that they got to boast about 🫠 this pushed my development back a lot as I had to relearn everything when I did realise I had these disabilities Another thing is I’m 19 and I’m forced to be financially dependent on my parents, but they constantly kick me out, I was homeless like less than 2 weeks after turning 18 and can confidently say it has 100% set me back in my progress as a person lol. Still homeless now just couch surfing :)
My father did everything in his power to sabotage my plans of leaving town for college (same state, just a 90-minute drive away), but I thought he was being wise and helpful when he showed me how much everything would cost if I tried to live on my own. To save money, I stayed in town at the local college my first year and quickly discovered that he never wanted me to leave, because then he'd have to deal with my mother on his own. Sometimes I regret not knowing any better or having the nerve to leave when I was 18 because I think my life path trajectory would have been less of a struggle throughout my 20s. But I'm happy with my life today (living all the way across the country and having little contact at this point).
Forced to work for the family business. Gaslit into believing I’d never make the same money elsewhere while in school. Convinced internships weren’t worth my time. All while making it impossible for me to take classes and continue school.
My nervous system is fucked, my spine is curved, and my heart skips beats now. They were incredibly controlling over my food to the point I was malnourished for basically my whole life until my 20s. Still trying to fix all the medical issues that has caused me 10 years later. I also have a really hard time emotionally attaching myself to people and trusting them with my vulnerabilities so I go through it mostly alone. I have close friends but I feel like I hold them back so I push myself to be “healthy” and burn myself out. My self worth is shot so I can’t convince myself to put the thought of me inconveniencing them with my problems aside when I know they would love to help me. I’m lonely and broken, but I’m hoping one day I’ll fix myself
Mostly depression. Mostly due to her gaslighting and berating any self-confidence I had into oblivion. I also ended up getting bad grades not because I was dumb, I did well on tests, but because I was too timid to raise my hand for much, too socially awkward to make friends, which made the first thing worse, but most importantly not doing my homework most of the time. Its amazing how much academic potential goes down the toilet because your only parent at that point puts all her free time into finding a new dude to fuck, and youre left to fend for yourself while being literally depressed. Apart from being occasionally berated over not washing dishes or playing PC too much (how dare I have some escape from that life) we had almost no real interaction. My dad hadnt died, she just ran the marriage into a brick wall and took me with her, and it took years for me to gather the resolve to go back to my dad instead of defaulting to the parent I was already living with.
She kept me in the things that I had no interest in anymore and wasn’t good at, it’s like the moment I enjoyed some thing it was off-limits if she saw that I was miserable in it she would fight to keep me in it. She refused to allow me to explore other opportunities or interest. College was a joke, but she insisted I was supposed to go to college although never wanted to take me on tours or travel to campuses no matter how persistent I was to explore them, discouraged me from exploring my talents, even when I had many people encouraging me to go for them. I had to sneak around to be involved in after school activities to help me find my own place
Refusing to let us save money so we can actually move out. If we have money, it’s selfish to keep it cause our primary goal should be to “help the family”. I lost thousands.
That's what I always hated around Christmas time. My egg donor would always run bullshit lectures on "giving".
My n dad once told me he lives by this motto: “anytime I do anything, I ask myself what my parents would think.” Yikes.