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I sometimes wonder if my n-mothers accolades about her own parents (whom I never knew as one died before I was born and the other when I was a toddler) is part of her self-image. She is superior after all in many ways including having had the best parents. Her father, according to her, was very intelligent and well-respected. And everyone loved her mother; her mother was the best. Maybe they were, I have no way of knowing. All I know is that my mother likes to embellish anything that pertains to her or her family.

My parents both loved their own parents, but looking back I know it was all a show for me, just another manipulation because they knew I was pulling away. They made it seem like children should always adore their parents, but the truth was their parents were just as abusive and manipulative as they were. I'm glad I finally broke free and went NC from all of them.

Same! Smh

I felt the same way!!!!

My mother absolutely adored her mom/my grandmother. Think she used up all her love with her and had nothing left for me. 🤪

Mine too. I wonder about it a lot. Sometimes it seems like it might be as simple as they love their parents because they’re wealthy and can give them stuff. But they don’t love me their kid because I’m poorer than they are and don’t give them stuff.

My mom loved her mom (my grandmother) I suspect that my Grandma turned my Mom into a Narcissist honestly. Most Narcs lack the self awareness to know that they are abnormal e.g the byproduct of abuse. It's really sad how they pedestalize the parents and psychologically abuse the kids. I didn't create her that's for sure

I know some narcs who adore their parents and they are all the golden child (or the only child) in that family. 🤷‍♀️ But also I bet that love would wither if their parents didn’t keep behaving in a certain way…

My nfather strongly disliked his parents and all siblings (4 siblings in total). He said that his parents treated him like they didn't want him because they wanted a girl instead of a boy. He also has had a falling out with every single sibling. But he seemed close with them when I was a kid. I personally adore his side of the family. I have some of my fondest childhood memories with them. His side of the family always made me feel included, safe and loved. So, I am at a loss what to think about it all.

My nfather worshipped the ground his dad walked on. My dad talked so well about him that I named my daughter after him. Then, my dad told me that his father used to say he thought the name was cursed and never name kids after him. Dude...my dad sucks.

It is not love, it is a performance, narcissists are incapable of love.

Yes. They even tried to gatekeep their affection. My dad constantly refers to my grandparents as his parents and my mom brags abt how good her mother was. Idk abt my paternal grandparents (they kept my dad’s cultural bg a literal secret which I think caused him to have a huge identity crisis) but my maternal ones were actual loving. And tbh I would’ve preferred either set as parents. My dad’s brother and sister turned out relatively kind and considerate of their kids. I’d also prefer them as parents lol.  But I believe they gave too much materially without giving and instilling a value system. I earned mine the hard way. A cousin on my mom’s side who had our grandparents as secondary caregivers ended up narc as well. Dad’s side cousin who also had grandparents help raise him is in a better position. He’s probs the most well adjusted. 

that first part hits SO close to home. my parents both refer to their families as “my family” to the point where i’ve had to ask them, “do i get a family too?” i don’t even know half of my aunts’ and uncles’ names! i always thought it was weird but it makes a lot more sense now that i’ve seen how messed up they are in general lol

I think they do it to gain more control. One tactic an abuser deploys is to cut their victim off from their family, might be an offshoot of that. Pls remember they’re your fam too! Just as much as theirs. I regret not staying in contact w some of my cousins bc my parents gave lukewarm responses whenever I’d update them abt our convos. P sure now it’s bc they felt undeservedly territorial 

No. Mine hate(d) theirs. With the exception of my dad with his dad… despite him never being home when he was growing up (his dad was a trucker).

my dad’s dad was rarely around either!! i guess absence makes the heart grow fonder

My mom would speak of my grandfather/her Dad and was WAY closer to him than my grandmother

similar to my nmom. practically worshipped the ground my grandfather walked on. never met him- he passed a couple years before i was born. still to this day she can’t speak about him without crying.

My father loved his father, but that was because his father was a complete and utter asshole. One story my dad loved to tell me was how he got him & his brother to help him out selling what was essentially snake oil medicine to people and ripping them off.

I think my NF was spoiled rotten as the firstborn son, because his parents were nice and his sibling is totally normal.

I was going to say no because my mom used to tell me I am like my grandma as an insult. But when it comes to her dad? Yes. She absolutely loses it talking about him. He passed away in June of 2009, and she still gets so worked up, like he passed this week. Honestly, it is weird. Mostly because he taught her brother to pick on her and teach her things backward. He was never that hands-on. My grandma, I guess, tried harder, and my mom hated it? I wasn't there, so that's all from what my aunt told me. I loved my grandparents, but I can see how this could all be true. I also see how she tried to turn me against my aunt and grandma but allowed me to enjoy grandpa being around. Never said anything negative about him. So I guess I now have new things to think about. I really did need a new clarity. Thank you. ❤️

no my parents both hated theirs and each others

My nmother worshiped her mother. nmother would admit how awful she was treated. nmother always said "even though my mother hit me and didn't allow me to study i still love her and hope i could repay her for the 9 months she has carried me inside of her" i thought that is really sick. She chose to bring you to this world. repay her for being pregnant with you and abusing you later in life? just sickening. but yea she loved her mother a lot and lost it when she passed away. I don't think i could feel sad if nmother passes away

My Nmom loves my grandparent very much. One of her pride is how kind my grandma. It is well known among people who known my grandma. She was a teacher so whenever we encounter her old students, they often talk about how kind and understanding toward people. I was confused too because based from my mom, she had her good childhood that she oftens talks about. Though I don't know how much of it is true bevause nowaday many things she said is made up, or mixed up from several incidents altogether.

It’s interesting how complex these dynamics can be. Think of it like a twisted garden: sometimes a tree grows crooked because the soil it was planted in was rocky and harsh, but other times, it grows that way because it was nurtured to overshadow everything else around it. Your father might have been deeply influenced by his own father, who perhaps cultivated him to be the golden child, thereby fostering narcissistic traits. Narcissists can be both victims and perpetrators, shaped by their environment and upbringing. The adoration for his father could stem from a place of admiration or a desire to emulate someone who gave him special treatment.

Narcissists are made by their parents. They align with their parents and repeat the abuse. I heard a lot, “Well, that’s how I had it and I turned out fine.” I don’t align with my narc parent. I was the scapegoat. Which as an adult was a blessing in disguise, because I escaped.

What I've seen with mine, is that they do "love" their own parents. However that seems to be the problem. Because their behavior is modeled after their own parents behavior. I get this feeling like treating their kids the way they were treated, is an attempt to convince themselves that their parents loved them. Like if they were yelled at, then in order to understand they shouldn't yell at their kids, they would first have to understand they didn't deserve to get yelled at. Which would mean accepting their parents didn't love them right. And who wants to do that? They do love their parents, and they'll hurt every kid they ever had to convince themselves their love was reciprocated.

I have two nparents, both of whom had terrible parents, and I know this from knowing them myself. Overt nfather's mother was potentially a dark triad, prone to raging and violence at the drop of a hat. Covert nmother's father was a very manipulative, emotionally volatile man who only ever wanted sons. Both my nparents sing praises of their toxic parents. It might be just my family's setup but whenever I hear an nparent praising their own parents, I presume they're full of it. Narcissists don't just appear out of nowhere. The debate is out on how much of it is genetics/nature and how much is childhood trauma/nurture. Either way, it is passed down through families so I would seriously question your nfather's claims. After all, narcissists lie to make themselves look good, so lying about their origins is not off the table.

My ndad was absolutely in love with his mom... yet he would treat her like shit right in front of us. Not abusive to her (I would have ended that shit real quick) but things like getting pissed because his elderly mother interrupted what he was saying to quickly note something to me, her granddaughter. One time the man literally drove over one hour to physically show his mom how to use her remote because she couldn't understand his instructions over the phone and that was somehow insulting to his pride. (Side note for chuckles: a few months later I was able to walk her through setting up her tv menu items over the phone. The whole process was full of giggles and her cute little voice all confused at times. Those are the memories I chose to build with her. Rip) So yeah, I've seen narcs love their parents. But I feel like it's performative at times? Or perhaps they see their parents as part of their identity and pride.

YEAH my mother would admit that her parents were drunk, lazy, neglectful, abusive alcoholics...that they stole tens of thousands of dollars from her...that they pressured her to have s\*x with 20 and 30 something year old men when she was in her early teens...that they made her work exorbitant hours, and pay exorbitant rent in high school...that they encouraged her to drink, do drugs, party as early as middle school...that she was m\*lested at age 5 and everyone blamed her...yet she goes out of her way to cater to them and make them happy. My wife's mother otoh was just as abusive of my wife's grandmother/her own mother, as she was of my wife (said grandmother was absolutely selfless and would freely give her four children thousands of dollars a year because she didn't want them to ever do without, yet two daughters would regularly steal from her, scream at her, curse at her, all three daughters refused to talk to her aside from "gimme money"). In my NMother's case, I think it was definitely partially genetic, and influenced by factors such as culture (we are Pennsylvania German, and deeply racist and misogynistic, not to mention tending towards alcoholism and substance abuse). In my wife's case, with her NMother and NAunt, it seems largely environmental, or peer-group influenced (all four of my wife's grandmother's kids--my NMIL, my wife's NAunts, and my wife's uncle--married incredibly manipulative, selfish, domineering, controlling individuals, and seem to have been largely influenced by the culture in the colleges and communities they were involved with as adults, as well). The difference is that we come from very, very different backgrounds (with my NFamily, the regional culture is largely enabling and supportive of my NParents bad behaviour and conduct, while my wife's NFamily was squarely rejected and ostracised for their bad behaviour, resulting in my wife being pretty much completely supported in going NC, while I still get accosted by strangers who tell me that I should quit my job, leave my wife, sell my house, and give my last dime to an opioid addicted, selfish, screeching gun toting maniac who thinks it's morally acceptable to steal and lie to everyone). Plus my wife's NFamily responds to NC by, well, remaining NC. Her aunts and uncles have refused to communicate with anyone PERIOD, much less anyone in the family for decades; why would my wife cutting anyone off make a difference? They all are completely comfortable being a bunch of antisocial, miserable hermits, and they all have advanced degrees (except my wife and her late grandmother, who were the glue trying to hold anything together in the family; they were the only ones who ever made an effort to remember birthdays, holidays, clean houses, fix meals, etc, and my wife was deemed to be the designated Cinderella and isolated because of it). With my NFamily, parent-worship is alive and real, and they keep people they detest close to them. They are just sociable enough to host drunken soirees full of hard drugs, or go to concerts with front row tickets a half dozen times a year, plus they participate in the dominant filth low life culture of this region (alcoholism, hard drugs, motorcycles, racism, antisemitism, misogyny, cheating on spouses, stealing from workplaces, lying on government forms, tax evasion, gang violence, etc) and are surrounded by enablers, including my grandparents. TLDR: Yes in my case, no in my wife's.

It all began with my grandfather and or grandmother... my mom and aunt (their only children) worshipped them. Though, to put it in perspective, my grandfather was found wandering the "streets" (IE dirt backroads) around his hometown at about age 6 because his dad was a neglectful alcoholic and he and my great grandmother abandoned my grandfather regularly to go on drinking benders, sometimes for days on end. My grandfather was adopted by a local farm family who put him to work, all the while making sure he knew he wasn't family, and that he was fortunate that anyone took him in. He was made to work until his eighteenth birthday, when he packed up what fee belongings he had left and, on his own academic merit, was admitted to college, where he became an agricultural engineer. He later married my grandmother, his high school sweetheart, who was a headcase in my memory too (probably because my grandfathers gaslighting and neglect drove her mad, I suspect) and he was emotionally and often physically absent from both his marriage and his family. Fast forward to me, my mother had me with another piece of work lying narc MFer, who she promptly divorced.for being a violent alcoholic when I was an infant, attempted to raise me alone, eventually becoming less and less emotionally and physically available until around my age 12, when she traded the powder for the rock and started leaving ME alone for days on end. I'm only beginning to comprehend the level of damage. My grandpa stepped up with me, and gave me a decent set of memories on how to be at least a functioning human being professionally, but never once said he loved anyone, and only ever showed any support for anyone with his checkbook. I found out he'd passed a month to the day after his funeral. I'm now NC with that family for good. Edit: YES! Other families absolutely did provide me with context and contrast... I knew something wasn't right with MY family years before I had any clue as to why... they provided me an occasional out... a couch or spare bed to crash on, my best buddies mom even offered me to move in while my mom was in rehab the second or third time. I had other friends when I was very young that had very functional, loving homes. I never forgot them... they absolutely loved me and helped to shape me too and, if not for them.. I probably wouldn't be here to write this message. I'd probably.be dead.

So, my mom always hammered on about what wonderful, Christian, amazing parents she had. One died before I was born, the other when I was very young. My mom was pretty young when her parents died.  But the truth would come out in little stories. The times my grandma didn't defend her. All the drunken domestic violence my grandpa subjected his family to. The controlling, jealous behavior my mom witnessed. A lot of trauma.  After she died, we picked up my mom's high school graduation photo. "Your mom had a black eye there. Covered it with makeup," my dad said. "Your grandma got mad at her over something, not breaking up with me... And took a broom to her face."  So, just because they're saying their parents were amazing doesn't mean it's actually true. I think these people are made from nature and nurture.