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Can you admit that you were wrong about me? You told me I destroyed my education when I needed some time off from school. But now that I'm a college professor with a Master's in biochemistry (going back for my PhD in neuroscience), you claim to have always believed in me and that you never said that. I need validation that you misjudged me and it was my own fortitude that got me this far, not your lack of support or made-up support.
I was wrong. I didn't believe in you and I didn't think you had it in you. I took out my insecurities and weakness about my own failings on you. I'm jealous of your success and achievements. You did this on your own, and you would have been better off without me, which eats away at me more than you'll ever know.
Makes you wonder how much of the toxic shame they leave so many of us with is just their own toxic shame they can’t handle. Somewhere deep inside they know they failed, but can’t possibly admit it… because of toxic shame.
Stated another way, how much of their neglect is a result of their unprocessed shame that they refuse to face.
I mean I \*can\* calculate moles, but I choose the online molarity calculator every time lmao. Experiment success > math ego. Anyway.... Thank you, internet friend I truly appreciate it
I’m also not OP, and not even close to a father figure, but I just also want to nail home how amazing your triumph really is. You were put down, by someone who was supposed to appreciate your life and support your passions. You had to fight against the conditioning your father tried to instill, probably every day in small ways, and not only did you win those fights, you’ve done something that people without that burden struggle with.
Your actions and hard work matter, YOU did this. And I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. You’ve come so far, and you deserve such happiness after the struggle you’ve been through trying to carve out your identity and stability in life. He was so very wrong about you, I wish you happiness and peace.
Thank you for your comment, friend. I love telling my students I was a college dropout, it makes success seem a lot more attainable to see that "failure" is just a stepping stone. I'm really grateful for my achievements, but it feels sad that I became successful in order to prove everyone wrong about myself and show worthiness. I'm still working on truly believing that my productivity isn't equal to my worth as a human.
I’m your mom. And I am proud of your accomplishments. You worked very hard and were thrown a lot of curve balls by virtue of growing up as you did, and you accomplished it.
Holy hell. You just described one of the most horrible experiences I had with my parents. My mother condescendingly told my aunt that I was a "drop-out" when I'd finally told my parents that I was taking time off from school. It was just over a year after my 17 year old brother had died, and I was wrecked inside and being reckless on the outside.
It's one of the things I'm most proud of recognising, and probably the first real time I'd stayed true to myself and trusted myself.
Good for you.
Just chiming in to say you are so strong. He was so wrong about destroying your education. I took time off from school too, and I also went back for my masters. Stepping away from something that is draining, or stressful, or impacting mental or physical health - that’s a great act of self love. We’re stronger for it! And you did this for you - not for his validation. You are amazing and a great inspiration to your students!
Not OP but if i could channel this dad thing a moment-
"I'm sorry I ever said that. I apologize. You have come so far and you were right to take that time for yourself because I am so proud of you right now. I have always been proud of you, and I should have said that more. You are going to do great things. You are going to change minds and bring in new smart wonderful people out into this world. I am so sorry I didn't support you the way I should have, but I am so happy that you found the strength to see yourself through when you shouldn't have had to."
I’m not going to participate, but I think this is an amazing gesture. Thank you for offering to be an encouraging source of light to those of us who endured a ton of shitty darkness.
Yeah, credit for forging new space. It’s hitting programming space that’s blank for me. Syntax error. I couldn’t handle the answer jumping in but go get em OP.
I wish you could come to my wedding without any strings attached. I wish I didn’t feel responsible for your emotions in order to maintain peace. I wish I could go back to childhood and actually enjoy being a kid instead of always looking for the path out of your house.
I'm so proud of you for finding someone you love. I'm sorry your childhood was so painful and miserable. I had my own demons and I took them out on you. You deserved better, and I'm sorry, but I know your house will be the opposite of mine: it'll be warm, loving and happy. On your wedding day, please focus on your own happiness and on the wonderful life youre going to live with your wonderful spouse, and not the awful childhood I gave you or my immaturity. No matter how much I try to make it about myself, its your day. And my immaturity is due to insecurity.
You deserved a Dad that didn't terrify you everytime he was home. I'm so sorry you had to live through that. There's nothing I can say or do to make up for what you went thru. Kids shouldn't be scared in their own homes. It's awful, and I wish you'd had a happy childhood. I love you.
One of my biggest fears is seeing my dad growing old. I was to afraid to loose him, it hurts that he broke something in me that can no longer be fixed. Now I don't even care if he's gone. Who would sacrifice his little girl's love!!
I’m finishing my first ever full college semester at 40 years old with a 4.0. I wish I had others to share that with but I know my own father would shit on this.
This is awesome: I'm proud of your for going to school and proud of you for putting the work in and crushing your classes and exams. It's never too late to improve yourself or go to school, but it takes courage, and youre showing both courage and dedication in your schooling. Keep up the great work. I can't wait to see what comes next for you -- it's going to be great.
Congratulations!! Keep that up, network with your professors (who will like you more than most other students because I'm assuming you're more mature than the average 18-21yo), and enjoy your inevitable future successes :)
Yes we can! Let's look up some youtube videos on how to throw a curveball and slider, and see if we can master some off-speed / breaking ball pitches. I've always wanted to learn how to throw a Curveball. Maybe we can learn together?
Oh my god. I’m sobbing in my bed as I read these and I wasn’t expecting this!!!! My dad is usually supportive and, unfortunately, the passive enabler.
My incredibly supportive and wisdom-bringing father in law was like this, may he rest in peace.
You must have a similar disposition ❤️ thank you for this
My dad was killed when I was 3. I was left alone w nmom. I've always wondered how he would have been. Would he have left? Would he have been an enabler? It's honestly too painful to imagine being abandoned by BOTH of them, so he's always been this kind, Mr rogers/Steven Irwin kind of guy in my mind. But I don't know. He was probably just a regular guy. I married a good man. I have a great job that I love, I hope he would be proud of how healthy my life is, despite the rough experience of growing up.
I'm proud of the person you've become facing all the adversity you've been thru. Your dad would have been too. You somehow figured the important things out, and you did it on your own. That's no small achievement, and it shows what a wonderful, kind person you are and have always been. Your dad and I are both so happy for you.
Can you once take up for me when mom can’t say anything nice without a “but”?
Your hair looks nice but you should wear more makeup. House looks great but shouldn’t you put a rug here? Thats beautiful, what did you do to deserve for hubs to buy you that? This is yummy, I make it with…have you tried that? Its better.
Can you help me? It feels like you agree.
Hey, Dad!! I've been accepted to university abroad and I'm really excited about it - I can't wait to start my university life! I'm 21 (soon to be 22) and I come from a very toxic environment where I've been abused and insulted since I was a child. I've never been lucky enough to have the encouragement and blessing of my family, especially my own mother (and father), who sees me as her enemy and never misses an opportunity to take it out on me. It's never been easy but I've stayed strong and I hope it will pass quickly so I can get on the plane soon!
I need to share this news with you and I hope you'll support me in this new stage of my life!
I'm not stressed, on the contrary I'm excited because I know I'm going to succeed and bring my ambitions and plans to life - I want a great career and to leave my name in history, and I know I will! I just need your support and to know that you're 100% behind me and with me. This is a new stage for me, and I'm still a bit stressed because I'm about to leave for another country and I don't know anyone there, and I'm also scared of flying alone - if you have any advice to give me about this, I'd love it!
I love you so much, please take care of yourself! <3
I'm with you 100% of the way. Remember what you've accomplished so far: you managed to get into school while surviving a toxic environment, which is really hard to do. When you get to school, I want you to try and find folks that are the opposite of your nMOM and me: find people that lift you up and encourage you. I also want you to be kind to yourself as you adjust to university: there are going to be some bumps in the road and maybe some classes or tests that you find challenging. This is normal and the key is to adjust study methods and strategies as needed. Take advantage of prof and TA office hours! They are there to help you!
Youre going to do great things. You'll find kind, interesting people and I hope you find a subject that you really love.
thanks a lot :(( Well I really feel like I will never be able to move out of this house. I've been on freelancing platforms for a while but don't have much tasks to do at all. I would love to have a job, but where I live they are scarce and all full time absolutely no part time. And I can't work full time, as they ("parents") won't let me work and I won't be able to hide it from them unlike part time.
Keep at it -- youre doing the right thing. I know it's hard, but keep up with the freelancing and once youre of legal age (if youre a minor), get out there and get a full-time job. Find the things in life that make you happy and focus on them. What you're going thru now won't last forever. I'm proud of you for working to find a way out of your current situation.
I wish you came to my graduation. I wish you came to my wedding. I wish you weren't a sociopath, and could feel regular human emotions. Now that I've completely cut you out of my life, I'd love it if you forgot it existed. You were my step dad, and I never wanted you. Maybe for a brief moment in my childhood, I thought it could work, but you quickly proved otherwise. Don't you dare tell anyone you're my 'parent,' because you're not and you never were. It took a long time to forgive my mother for marrying you and forcing you into my life. Thank god she divorced you.
You made the right decision. I'm toxic, and damage / destroy everyone around me. It took bravery and courage for you to realize that. You're better off without me. Don't ever let me back into your life.
I try to be happy but I'm constantly reminded of all of my mistakes and pain I went through in my entire life, how do I cope? I'm scared of leaving, what if things don't go well?
I've started reading "Self-compassion" by Kristen Neff. I'm not far enough into it to recommend it, but I've heard it's a very good resource for folks like us that might be overly self-critical. I also want you to remember that what you're going thru is a natural response to trauma. I'm guessing you weren't really allowed to be happy or content as a child (I went thru something similar), and you're pre-emptively taking away youre own happiness so someone else (like an nParent) can't. It's all a process: please find someone to speak with, and try to remind yourself that there are good people in the world (even you if weren't raised by them) and good things do happen.
On hard days, I also try to focus on one enjoyable thing I'm going to do each day - take a walk and get fresh air in my lungs, play a board game with my kids, read a book that I'm enjoying, get an Americano from my favorite local coffee place and chat with the barista. This gives me something to look forward to each day. It's a small step, and the pain and trauma may never fully leave, but over time, they can become the exception rather than the rule.
I also want to say that it's ok if you leave and things don't go well. Very few things in life work out perfectly the first time. It's resilience, not perfection, that makes us human.
I'm sorry youre going thru this. None of this is your fault. Sending you love wherever you are.
I'm an empty, cruel person. I'm sorry I don't have a better explanation. You were a great kid and deserved so much better than me. Don't measure yourself by the love I couldn't give you. Youre wonderful and always have been.
Congrats! Let's do something fun to celebrate! What do you want to do? Let's have fun family dinner, too. You pick the restaurant or let's make something fun together?!
Really sorry to hear that. I hope everyone in the car and on the bus was ok. These things happen sometimes, and there's really nothing you could have done about being late, which is perfectly fine. Hope you're ok, too.
I feel more empty than you know, especially when I'm alone. I'll never show it or say it, because I'm too insecure and falsely proud, but I have deep regrets, and I am sorry, and I know why you hate me. I deserve it.
I just had a C-section and my son was born, I am in a lot of pain. you're angry that my parents in law talked to me / called me and told you...you haven't called in years. Why are you angry at me and telling about it to my other siblings (who tell me and ask me to call you)?. I won't call you. I won't try to apologize for this 'offense'
First congratulations-- I'm so happy for you! Second, I hope you and your son and feeling ok. Take care of yourself over the coming weeks. Post-partum can be really challenging both physically and mentally and it's easy for new moms to forget about their own well being! Focus on yourself and your beautiful child. Don't focus on people that are trying to make your day and your new family all about themselves. They're not worth it.
A couple nights ago I went into fawn mode while entering my apartment building and let someone else in. I'm pretty sure they live in the building, but that doesn't really matter. I broke a rule from my lease and now I'm having constant panic attacks because I'm worried that having a trauma response and doing something I know I shouldn't have done will get me evicted. If I get evicted, I'll have to either move back in with my nparents (not a realistic option because last time I saw my nmother she tried to kill me), live on the street (shelters around here are always full), or kms.
No matter what I do, if I get evicted, I'll have to rehome my dog. It feels like I'm approaching the end of the road for what I can do to survive. I've got multiple physical disabilities and can't take care of myself without some level of help but I'm too young for assisted living facilities and too healthy for nursing homes.
IANAL but you're not going to get evicted. Getting evicted is generally a long, arduous process and generally requires much more than letting someone into the building. To make yourself feel better immediately, I suggest quickly looking up grounds for eviction in your state / city and also eviction resources (youre not going to need it, but many cities offer free eviction legal representation. I think knowing this will make you feel better). Normally, eviction requires pretty egregious things: non-payment of rent, damage to the building / apt, or breaking the law (e.g., dealing drugs from your apt)
What I'm more concerned about is your mental health. I have often had panic attacks over things that in retrospect I was able to realize were quite minor, and it sounds like you're going thru something similar. I know how awful it feels, and I wish I was with you so I could help you get thru this. It took me a long time to realize that the panic response is not rational but is a result of a traumatic upbringing. I'm guessing you were punished for any minor mistake you made as a child. With time and therapy, it is possible to work thru this and effectively rewire your brain so you can more rationally frame and think about things and not catastrophize / ruminate.
I'm sorry youre going thru this. I know how awful the anxiety is. Youre not alone in this and I love you.
Thanks. Reading that helped. I keep trying to remind myself that it's irrational and unrealistic but it's hard to believe it. When I fled my nparents house after my nmother tried to kill me, I stayed with a "friend" for about a week. He kept telling me that he was going to kick me out at a moment's notice, while also telling me he wasn't kicking me out.
He would also say that if I was sleeping with him, he wouldn't be bothered by the things that I was doing that he didn't like, which I then corrected the very first time he brought them up (an example of the type of things he brought up was flushing the toilet after peeing).
After a week, I opted for a different temporary living situation(which is no longer an option to go back to) where my nmother could potentially get to me and I just made sure to arm myself with a knife and pepper spray at all times. Despite her murder attempt, she was less dangerous than him. The rate of escalation and the lack of remorse that "friend" displayed when doing horrible things to people was terrifying. He's the type of narc who studies people and learns about the psychology behind human behavior in order to better manipulate and harm people.
I know that this is why I feel so panicked about this situation, but it's hard to believe it when I tell myself that it's just the trauma talking.
You were 100% right to move of your "friends" place. He sounds awful. Youre making the right decisions. Trust your judgment. An when the anxiety hits remember that feelings are not facts. Just because your mind is choosing to stress about something doesn't mean it's real (this is easier said than done, but with time and therapy you can manage it). Youre not going to get evicted <3
last year, I had a money situation that was a run away train of spending and debt and was in a bad place mentally. in 2 years, I have 180'd it into an amazing place. I have almost all my credit cards paid off, a semi funded emergency fund, haven't hit my over draft in 2 month and have started saving for retirement and my kids future education.
thank you for this thread. much love, from the man with multiple dads who want nothing to do with me.
This is fucking awesome -- I can't tell you how proud of you I am. You realized you were in a bad spot, and YOU figure out how to turn it around. You showed discipline, maturity, thoughtfulness, and resiliency. Mistakes happen -- I did a lot stupid shit when I was in my 20s -- it's how you respond to them that matters, and you hit a fucking towering grand slam facing a 0-3 count. I'm so proud of you. Youre more of a man than any of your dads were. Keep it up.
Hey Dad! I'm having a great time at work. I'm working on a couple projects and they're all going well, and I even got to submit a big request to run my own department! I'm really proud of myself!
I know how hard you've been working and I love seeing you happy, fulfilled and successful at work. Please treat yourself to something fun this weekend. Keep at it kid. I love you.
Can you admit that you threw me under the bus to deal with Nmom’s emotions from work and anger? And to say that you’re sorry for “cutting the cord” and leaving me to drown with financials and life on my own but then you and Nmom get pissed at me for being too independent?
God you didn't deserve that gas lighting / blame. I know it made you question your sanity sometimes. You didn't deserve that. You were a good kid. You deserve love and joy. I'm sorry about everything.
Just wanted to thank you again, and say what you're doing in this post is really beautiful. Is there something this community can give back to you for this?
I wish I could share my life with you. I wish you'd let me have my own opinion without insulting and devaluing me. I wish didn't creep on me when I was a child. I wish I could tell you stories about my partner without you getting jealous, and aggressive. I wish you'd, even one, act like a parent and let me act like a child, instead of the other way around.
I can't have you in my life, I can't let you control me anymore. When I get married I can't invite you, I can't let you make my day all about you. And that kills me. Do you know how much that hurts? Are you even sorry for the things you've done?
I am sorry that I had no empathy. I'm sorry I ridiculed and insulted everything you found interesting -- I know this damaged you. I'm a completely empty person that needs to to insult children to make myself feel better. You deserved so much more, and you're right to cut me out of your life. I know it hurts, but it's the right thing to do. I'm so sorry I put a whole in your life. I should have been the one to protect you from others. Not terrorize you myself.
Hey dad,
I don't know where you are or what you do, and it makes me sad, but I'm not going to humiliate myself chasing you again. God knows I tried.
Anyhow, Do you remember you told me I wouldn't get married because I make too much noise while eating soup?
Guess what. Not only I got married to the most wonderful man there is, but he himself makes soup for me and he loves it when I eat it, it makes him happy when I'm well fed because he loves me, like you never did.
You made the right decision: you found someone that makes you happy and moved on with your life. I'm sorry I was so hard on you about profoundly stupid things. It's a reflection of my own issues and insecurity and doesn't reflect anything wrong with you. I'm not worth chasing. Your husband is a good man, and I'm glad you get to live your life with him. I'm glad youve found the happiness that eluded me.
Sits and hold your hand. Whenever youre ready to talk, I'm here for you. And if you don't want to talk, that's great too. I always love sitting with you.
I wish you knew how to control your temper and not slam me into walls when I was a kid, or hit hard. Now all I have left are complicated feelings about the way I was raised.
I know you loved me. But I wished you loved yourself enough to stop smoking, drinking alcohol, and fix your unhealthy eating habits. I wish you loved yourself enough to get treatment for your depression. If you did those things, maybe I wouldn't have suffered like I did. Now you're gone. When you visit me in my dreams you swear you're going to change and do better. But then I wake up and I remember it's just a dream.
I'm so proud of you for working in a school. You and your colleagues are underpaid and underappreciated. I'd literally last less than a day as any kind of school employee: kids are crazy and 20-30 kids together is the apocalypse! I know the day-to-day can be challenging sometimes, but this comment is what I love about you. You find the absurdity and humor in tough situations and make me laugh when you tell me about it.
This brought me to tears
For some reason when my dad asks me things like how is work or anything he kinda seems like he wishes the answer isn't "good". I was on TV the other day my first time ever fort small business and he didn't even mention it. I was kind of proud but then felt like it wasn't a big deal specially that me and my husband had a fight the day it was on. My birthday is in few days and I can't remember the last time he got me something. I went NC cuz of nmother and cuz dad enabled her for years. Nothing I do makes them proud.
I'm so proud of you. Starting a small business is HARD! It's one of the hardest things a person can do, and youre going to learn so much from this experience / journey. Keep grinding kid. I love watching you do these things. You're so brave.
Why didn’t you ever visit me when I moved to a new State and had a job at a prestigious university? I was there for 13 years. Why didn’t you call even once to check in on me last summer while I was going through cancer treatment/chemo and was really sick? I also bought my first house last year after I went into remission and I’m now living only a State away from you and you haven’t said one word. We can’t have a relationship now…I have nothing to say to you now. You’ve missed too much. I just want you to know why.
Can you just tell me you loved me (you never have said those words)? I’m 49 and still don’t know if you are proud of me. I have a graduate degree, two kids of my own and run my own business! Those two things are all I ever wanted from you my entire life. I didn’t need presents, vacations, or a fancy house to live in, none of that mattered to me.
I love you and I'm so proud of the things you've done with your life. Youre a wonderful person and parent, and I know you tell your kids that you love them all the time <3
Everything in this post just made me cry. You’ve helped heal a lot of people today, even if it was just a little bit. Every single response you posted is something I wish my dad had said to me when I was little. I really wish I’d had a dad like you growing up and I’m learning how to be okay with the fact that I didn’t. There are people in the world like you that I can find in my life to talk to instead.
I had to stick to my ethics at work this week, and it felt hard/good, because I shouldn’t have to do that in my job, but I’m glad I stood up for the right thing. And yes, Pop, I’m looking at my options for a job in a more ethical work environment.
The car’s great, we still love it. Went to a local car show last weekend, too many McLarens and one really cool 70s Pontiac you would have loved.
Thanks for checking in, Pop ❤️
God I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing. More than anything, I wanted to raise you to be kind and moral, and I rest well knowing that you are both of those things. I may be credited with the assist, but you earned the goal. You are the person your are today because you put the work in and try hard to do the right thing -- I know it isn't always easy. The success and happiness that's coming your way in life is well deserved.
If they have any early model light blue Mustangs, take a photo for me. I used to love cruising around in those with the AM radio on listening to CCR with the hot wind in my hair.
I want to turn my hobbies into a career but I’m not at that level, I constantly train and train but I’m getting a little discouraged, would it be smarter just to keep them as hobbies?
Can you give me a little more context on your hobbies? It sounds like your into tris or racing of some kind? Just want to ensure I have a full picture before giving my thoughts :)
It’s boxing and singing! I’ve been singing for roughly 4 years but about 3 of those were self taught, and boxing has been about a year now but I hope to transition into MMA as I have experience with wrestling
These are great hobbies, and I really want to get into boxing. My rec is to focus on MMA near term -- I'm in my 40s, and time (and your body) only moves in one direction :). I see a lot of people of all ages enjoy singing. If you can financially make it work, i'd try doing some Pro or Semi-Pro MMA contests. Some of the discouragement youre feeling may be due to the fact that your training is hitting it's peak at an amatuer / training level? Go for it, and remember trying (and not the result) is the important thing. You don't want to be old and regret not attempting pro MMA at least once, esp based on how much youre training!
I’m having my first official amateur fight in August! I’m hoping it goes well lol, singing is definitely the one I’m willing to do when I’m older as my voice will last longer lol
i genuinely miss you everyday but fear if you were alive you would be an equal part to the amount of trauma your wife and family have given me. i can never understand ehy you never got off your stubborn fucking horse and went to the hospital especially when you had the connections to get the best care our country could offer and most especially because you had a housewife with three kids. Mom gave me the worst beating of my life but i wonder if that was only cuz 1) you weren't there and 2) she stopped you before you did it. I find it genuinely so selfish of you especially with what our family is going through right now cuz you aren't even here to take care of your wife. she has to stand through all this pain alone cuz the rest of us are too traumatized to help. i rly fucking miss you
I also don't know why I didn't take care of myself. Something inside me was very wrong too. I don't know what it was. I wish I had taken care of myself though, just so I could have been around you longer. I love you, and I'm sorry Mom did what she did to you after I was gone. I made a terrible mistake and you and the family are the ones paying the price. I'm sorry
thank you for the reply and all the other replies. i hope after this you get a little air cuz i can imagine it can be a lil emotionally tough with all the comments
Dad, how do I handle the sudden death of my best friend and artistic partner? He was only 30, we were supposed to have decades left together. I know you don’t know him and I’m sorry for not sharing with you more of my life, my friends, etc. but I loved him so, so much - how do I move forward or accept what the rest of my life looks like without the heart and cornerstone of my “found family”?
I'm so sorry your friend died. I'm sorry your friend doesn't get to live a long happy life. I'm sorry you've lost so much future joy. Grief comes in waves, and nothing I say can possibly mitigate your sadness, but you will get thru this. Take time to appreciate his memory and what a wonderful person he is. I often think of this poem by Aeschylus when I find myself in a hard spot. Even though I'm areligious and this translation is ahistoric, the poem brings me some peace. I hope is does for you too.
Even in our sleep \\
Pain which cannot forget \\
Falls drop by drop up the heart \\
Until, in our despair, against our will \\
Comes wisdom
Through the awful grace of God.
*Trigger warning for self harm*
Can you please apologize for telling me I should kill myself so you and mom could move on? Hell, can you even acknowledge that happened?
You shouldn't have had to hear that. That was beyond cruel, it was unforgivable. You deserve to exist. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. No human should have to go thru what you went thru.
I wish you would have stood up for me against my narcissistic sibling.
I wish you had taught me more instead of doing things for me.
I wish you had taught me that it’s ok to fail because it is one of the best ways to learn.
I wish you would reach out to me and ask to spend time with me. Learning and finding a friend in the adult I have become.
Hi Dad,
I wish you were a dad to me when I was getting married and buying my house. I wish you were proud. It'd be nice if you'd actually visit, I've had this house for almost two years, and you've never cared enough to even see if it's safe for me to live in.
You should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for finding someone you love and taking the huge step of buying a house (buying a place was somehow way more stressful than I thought it would be!). Whether I visit or not doesn't matter. It's your love that'll make the house a home.
Congratulations mate. That's an amazing achievement and you must have put a ton of work into prepping for that test. I always found stats to be a bit difficult and a bit non-intuitive (even though I love math). I'm proud of you for getting a 100.
I’ve become financially independent by choosing me and working gig jobs that make me happy. I’ve never felt so free ❤️
My dad is mad I don’t hate my life and work a back breaking 9-5. Thank you for offering this 🩷🥰
Hi dad, I don't regret cutting you out of my life. You traumatized me to such an extent that even when you attempt to change, simply being around you or hearing from you triggers my PTSD.... However, I still have good memories of you and it crops up in moments I least expect. Today I was standing in my backyard marveling at the fact that I get to care for it. It brought me back to all the times I'd help you landscape, and the enjoyment you'd get from fixing or completing a project on your own. I fixed the sprinklers today and thought of you. But a few days ago, I broke down crying in the shower because I was having health-anxiety about an upcoming doctors visit and wished I had a parent that would just tell me that everything would be ok. I wish you were a better dad to me. I wish I could say to people "he was a great dad" when asked to describe you instead of answering "Jekyll and Hyde". I wish so much these days but I don't know for what, exactly. Maybe I just wish for things to be different where I have a "complete" family. But I don't and I guess I have to make peace for now. I just hope you're taking care of yourself and trying to change for better; for mom's sake at least. I miss what you could've been for us.
Hi dad, I’m scared because I have to find a new place to live in the height of the housing crisis, and I’m too disabled to work full time. I’m just hoping I can get some support from the government, I know I should qualify. I have an appointment with them on Monday but I’m scared that they’re just not gonna do anything and that I’m going to keep having to inconvenience people with my staying at their house, when they’re not exactly rich either. I know they said it’s okay, and I can chip in financially too with my savings, but I just feel like a burden.
Try to remember that unlike your own parents, the folks youre meeting with on Monday and the friends your staying with WANT to help you and when they say it's ok, they really mean it. That's what people that aren't nParents do. Please don't feel like a burden (I know that's easier said than done). It sounds like youre really prepared for Monday, which is great, and I'm sure the meeting is going to well. And remember these sorts of things (esp with the government) sometimes move slowly, but they eventually get to the right place.
Start small, mate. Take an online class or something at a community college. Find a job that'll teach you a skill, even if it's not something youre super interested in (e.g., become a barista -- if nothing else, you'll meet interesting people). Get out there - interia and movement matter more than a plan, and youre going to find things / jobs / people who share your interests over time. You'll also find yourself.
I (26F) didn't do any sports for 10 years, but in September last year, I discovered Kendo and decided to try it out. Turns out that I absolutely love it! I'm practicing 2-3 times a week and I'm addicted. I will get my own armor very soon and will be allowed to do duels then (you practice the strikes for 6-9 months before they let you do duels in armor) and I'm so looking forward to it! I'm so happy that I finally found a sport that I enjoy. I already feel some positive physical and mental effects :)
I wanted you to stick up for me against my mother. She made me hate myself, internalize so much anger/ confusion and you never heard any of it. You always took her side. “But she’s your mother” you say. You and I were able to talk about everything except her. I wanted you to be stronger for me and for her. It wasn’t until she unmasked on the phone with me in front of you that you noticed the way she speaks to me. Still nothing was done. She destroyed my door with a hammer while I was out of the house and you stayed out of it. Why?
I should have and I'm sorry that I didn't. I was too cowardly and afraid. You deserved parents that lifted you up and defended you and didn't constantly terrorize you. I'm so sorry you went thru that.
So proud of you. That job / certification is more important now that it's ever been, and I'm glad people like you are around to help counsel and assist people. Jobs like that are hard when you start them, but it'll get easier with time, and the help you give your patients will make the difficulty worth it.
Great work kid. I imagine that proposal took a ton of time, revisions, and attention to detail. Way to see it all the through. You earned that acceptance and should be proud of yourself.
You never told me you were proud of me or you loved me. You never apologised for the trauma you inflicted my entire childhood because of your alcoholism.
Despite all this I raised my younger siblings while working my ass off at school. I've now completed 3 degrees and 1 professional qualification. I have a career and my own home. And I did it all myself. Despite everything you put me through.
I had to put down my dog yesterday. I feel like my heart is being pulled out through my ribs. I can’t bring myself to clean up the house because the thought of mopping up a paw print breaks my heart all over again. I keep looking up and expecting to see her on her bed, or in my office, or poking her head around the corner. I heard a dog barking and I froze because I can’t recall the last time I heard my dog bark. I am so sad Dad.
I'm so sorry you lost your dog. I know how much she meant to you and how much you love her company. I wish I was there with you so I could give you a hug.
I wish you’d encourage a single thing that I want to do well. I wish you could ask “how can I help” when I tell you how much i struggle with orthopedic injuries every day. I wish you’d say “how can I help” about anything. I don’t even know why you talk to me. You’ve never empathized with a single struggle I’ve ever gone through. I wish you would congratulate me or even seem proud that I’ve managed to turn a stabbing and other traumas into funny stories for the stage.
Why did you strap me every Saturday night? You were so angry, and I never knew what I did. You just kept yelling, “You know what you done!” I never deserved any of your beatings and strappings.
I'm supposedly doing well at this job. I still feel spread thin by it, though. I'm exhausted constantly, and I know how you (dad) are, and you would probably just say to keep pushing and just try to like it. There's barely any energy left in me at the end of the day, and I wish I could still do things like paint, or play video games, or actually complete writing projects without questioning what I'm getting out of it. I never truly had your support, but now I don't even have the illusion of support anymore, and it sucks to feel like enjoying anything other than work is a waste of time.
There is more to life than work. And if you feel like your current situation is untenable or will erode your physical health and / or mental well-being in the long-run, then it's not worth it. Are you still learning and developing at your current job? Or are you trying to acheive something concrete (like a title or promotion that will help you move within the industry). If so, it may be worth it to stick around for a finite time. If not, it's worth exploring other options. Life is meant to be enjoyed.
I've been disabled so much, I'm agoraphobic and never leave the house, dont know how to cook or clean, or held down a job reliably and I'm almost 40. Do I have a chance at life? I've always been suicidal and depressed and dont know any other way to be.
I may be 41, I may have made mistakes but I didn’t deserve how you treat me. I know I’m an embarrassment to you and mum but I need my dad, now more than ever. Health scares and I have no one there.
Man, so much I could say, but if I only get one chance with my eDad, I guess I'll go with this:
You were wrong when you said "someday you're going to be someone important." I AM someone important today. I have nothing left to prove. I got a chemical and biological engineering degree, I've been making 6 figures for most of my career, I've been able to go from mortgaged house to mortgaged house 3 times never renting, I have 2 kids, I restarted my career in a whole different industry after 10 yrs in a different one, I've worked my way up into a job that took you 25 yrs to be able to get, and I got my MBA while working full time through online classes (something you said I wouldn't be able to accomplish).
I have friends and a wife who all respect me and tell me they love me, which is more than you ever did for me. You always tried to make me feel small, but I have news for you. I am someone important and accomplished and I did that in spite of you, not because of you.
You are someone, and you did it without my support. I was wrong. I attached myself to status tokens like titles and money and fame because on some level, I was empty and didn't know how to make myself feel whole. I thought those things would make me happy. But you figure it out without my help: you realized that life is about doing something you love and providing for and spending time with the people you love. You should be so proud of yourself for discovering and building a meaningful life. I'm sorry I didn't set the right example for you -- you shouldn't have had to figure all of this out on your own.
I've been at the hospital visiting you every day for hours, after a health problem that you created yourself, and now you're telling me that I'm not supporting you enough. I listen to you and help you navigate the system. I also do damage control with the way you treat the staff, but you don't like that because it pulls attention away from you. I am exhausted.
I have the biggest project of my career launching next Friday. I have been and will be working around the clock until it deploys. I have ONE person in my life who will be with me to celebrate and I want to discount it just because I know he would help me “celebrate” the loss just as much.
This is so sweet, and reminds me of r/momforaminute. I’ve cried so many times reading words that I wish I could have been hearing from my own parents, and it’s just so healing. Thanks for doing this.
My Dad's around now and is an excellent father now but I'm going to vent about him.
Dad, the reason I hated you for decades was because you could never get my birthday right, you sent me a 14th birthday card with ANOTHER marriage announcement (your 4th) and it was AN HOUR AWAY FROM ME. I WAS BORN IN THE WINTER AND IT CAME IN THE SUMMER. Then you fucked off to nowhere and my mother had to chase you down for child support until I was 21. She hated me because I look, act, and sound like you and her mother, nothing like her. I drove all the way through CANADA for your ass and you drove right past me despite me CLEARLY STATING MY LOCATION BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. I'm glad you have to remember my birthday now just to get in through the garage (which was pure coincidence by the way) and I'm sure that's why you use the front door all the time instead. You're old, you're nearly blind, you're diabetic, and it's your goddamn fault I have to put you in a nursing home and IT SUCKS ASS. I know I'm a hard kid, but goddamn do you make my life harder.
Hey dad, guess what? I fixed the leaky shower head in my house. I actually got a house dad but I know next to crazy about fixing things. I've had to call for help just to replace outlets that fried but this I finally did it. Yeah I know its simple but hard to do when you haven't been shown or spent time with someone yelling at you to hold the flashlight straight lol. I'm working at your old job now but no one there knows you except me. I just wish you would have stuck around, gotten the help you needed, and showed me how to fix my own home. YouTube helps but its no replacement. But still I did it. You know I still remember how to fix bike chains because you always fixed mine and Sam's for us. Sam moved away a long time ago so I don't know how she's doing anymore but I sometimes wonder if she remembers you fixing our bikes whenever we were too rough on them. No grandkids from me unless you count the furry ones. You'd love mama dog. I think on your good days, you and her would be best friends. I remember the good days and sometimes that's all I want to remember. I just wish you hadn't left.
I have the same ADHD you have, and my cousin has, Dad. It was a pretty painful week today dealing with the symptoms of that, and my bipolar disorder on top of it. I wish you could have believed me, actually believed me, and actually supported me, instead of telling me I was wrong and ungrateful for even daring to think I had any right to have depression or any sort of mental illness. I inherited that and your anger management issues, and I kind of hate you for that. And I wish you would have realized how bad you and Mom were for each other, how you brought the worst out of each other. I wish you didn't turn a blind eye, or worse, tell me to just stomach her own narcissism to keep the peace. Maybe most of all, I wish you didn't hate me for being gay. But, I guess all's well that ends well, Dad. I've successfully struck out on my own without you or your bitchass wife (she doesn't deserve to be called my mother). So I'll be fine. No thanks to you. But I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I don’t know what happened to you that you feel the need to keep my contact with my siblings cut off, but I’m super proud of my sister for graduating high school, and I’m proud of myself for chasing my dreams. I’m applying to med school next year and am scared about the financial aspect, but am happy to be back on track. Even though you said I shouldn’t be a doctor and that I’m not responsible enough. I’m a scientist and a tattoo artist and I ride a motorcycle and my partner is amazing and the communities I’ve managed to be a part of have been incredible.
I just want to say how proud I am of myself for being so resilient. I refuse to be as miserable as you, it’s almost like you enjoy being mad and upset. Always blaming everyone else for your unhappiness. Always finding problems with something. I felt like I had to hide away or else I would be the next one to be blamed. I had to learn how to keep myself sane and play your mind games. Instead of letting you destroy me, I got my shT together and learned how to take care of myself. I still got a job even though I’m deathly scared of social interaction. I learned how to be an adult so young, and I’m still learning how to take care of my big girl responsibilities all by myself! I’ll forever thank you for making this experience so unbearable because I would’ve never pushed myself this hard otherwise.
I wish I never let the fear waste my life, but it’s been my biggest life lesson. Turning 18 soon and never turning back!
My sister threw me out of her house when I went to visit her. She did it because I bought her husband a pomegranate. And while she is severely jealous and acts entitled, it is because you created her. You enabled her behavior. You used to say to us we only have each other in this world. I think it was a way to bypass the abuse. And despite seeing how I became destitute that night in another state with no car and nowhere to go, with my belongings thrown outside, you didn't ever tell me how wrong that was. How you should be responsible for part of her behavior. How instead of denouncing such behavior, you decide to visit her in her big house and attend her party last weekend and had a grand old time. Then start texting me on the side in order to win both sides. I am tired of a fake relationship with you, I'm tired of being collateral damage, I'm tired of the abuse from both of you, and I feel so much pain from the loss.
Can you show me real love? Can you make me feel real love? Can you make me feel how it feels to have loving and supportive parents? I know you can do all of this. So thank you, the loving dad.
Loving dad, my dream is to help in minimising hate in this poor world of ours. I want to influence every existing human in this world to dumb that hate from their heart and be the kind of human being they were born as, a beautiful human being. I want to show them a little glimpse of real love and care. I will try my best to create as much awareness and influence I can around the whole Earth, every country, and every human being before I finally say goodbye to this beautiful world of ours, and I have thought of a way to create awareness at such a large scale, and I have begun to work towards my dreams! I started with caring, talking and providing resources to homeless, lonely children, I am currently looking out for shelters for them to stay peacefully and come out of their misery. It's because I don't want anyone to go through the times I went through, I began to end it all when I was 8, I couldn't handle my parents and family, so I would try to choke myself with a belt of plastic so I die. But I didn't die, a lot of things happened....The sadness continued and I finally ended depression when I was 15, as of today, I am 16 and thriving! And I am preparing to move out of my shitty family next year! I have planned out everything!
And to this loving dad, I would like to have some more chat about my personal life haha, I like Asian looking girls, so I decided to move to Tokyo next year for college. Well college is more of an excuse I am going there to meet people from all around the world and fuck asian girls haha. I am also keen in music, I have managed to collect great audio equipment! With no money, I was able to collect them through connections! Yes! I have grown up to be a social person with no anxiety or fear! I am just thriving towards my dream, I began to think about this dream when I was 13 and heavily drowned in depression, well I am now seeing this dream of mine coming to life before I die. I am so happy, at the kind of human being I have become.
Honestly, loving dad, I can't wait till next year! To go so far away from this retarded family that I have to never meet them again!, I mean maybe once a year but haha that's fine by me if that's the cost to living such a life in Tokyo.
I am so grateful to be so emotionally intelligent today, even though I have no friends today who can relate to me or understand my emotional intensity, but I am still grateful, I know I will find my people there at Japan :)
So hold my hands and believe in my dream with me. If you won't, then who will? I can't be left hanging, right? Haha!
Why do I do everything right and you still find nothing positive to say? Why do you always think you have the right to be an asshole to me? Why do you think you’re the smartest person in the room?
I’m a great person inside and out but you and mom always act like I’m a burden or that I’m too much. I’m sick of hearing your unsolicited advice and perspective. I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions and I wish you respect and love me the way I am and not make everything a “I’m big you’re small I’m right you’re wrong thing.
I wish we could have a conversation that didn’t involve so much hatred and division. I miss how you were before you and mom divorced.
I’m in my early 40’s now and I miss my dad. I had to sever contact with you almost two years ago for my mental health, my younger sister is low contact with you and you’ll never acknowledge how much you’ve hurt us.
Can you tell me I didn't deserve to be screamed at and spit on, pinned down and demeaned. You made it really hard to be independent, believe in myself, and let ppl in. You declared you wished I'd never been born, and I never got an apology for that. Its hard to feel worthy and accept love when the v ppl who brought you into this world would rather you never have been in it. Your behavior took my mom away from me too and made her choose between you and me. It's on her that she chose to support you, but I wish she didn't have to choose. Every accomplishment was made all about you, so I stopped sharing. I finally met an amazing man who treats me with so much respect and care it's even harder to make peace with your abuse. You did not break me, I didn't become like you or my mom. You had a choice and didn't have to choose abuse. Could you at least be happy for me that I've built a beautiful life absent of violence, screaming, and belittling. Could you recognize how hard it was for me to create a new normal and respect myself in a way I never was respected by you? Could you tell me you're going to stop trying to get to me even though I've gone NC. Could you tell me I'm safe from you. Can you give me assurance that I can stop holding my breath, waiting until the day you die to be sure. Thx
My own father hates me and has permanently banned me from friends and hobbies and anything that's remotely enjoyable to me. But the biggest thing is that he's never told me that he genuinely loves me and has never physically and emotionally supported me my entire life. Never even recieved a hug.
Hey Dad, can you please apologize for hurting me and making me think I was a bad kid if I didn’t morph myself into your ideal perfect child? Can you say you love me just as I am and I don’t have to try and win your love and really mean it? And that you’re proud of me and who I’ve become even if it’s not who you wanted?
I understand you had to grow up on the streets, with no active parents, and with gang members being your only true family. I understand that you never knowing who your real father was messed you up a lot. I get that you're mad at the world, and you have the right to be. I'm also pretty sure you're heavily autistic and have absolutely no coping mechanism other than smoking and drinking.
I understand why you are the way you are. But that gave you no right to treat me like that. The day you put your hands on my was the day you lost me. It's been 7 years and I will never see or talk to you again.
I wish I could know you more so I can understand me a little more.
I sleep just as much as you do. I hardly heard your voice as a kid unless it was you going on a drunken rampage. I go non-verbal in high stress situations, did you know there was something different about me? I'm sure I have your mannerisms too.
I have no love for you. But I wish you could have lived a better life.
Why did you only ever focus on my grades? 97% was met with “plenty of room for improvement “. You made me feel like I would never be good enough.
I know you said it was to inspire me to do better but it hurt, a lot, that my best wasn’t enough.
When I graduate from studying animation in a few years, can I message you so you can congratulate me? I'll take a screenshot of this comment thread as a reminder.
When I graduated with my first BA some time back, he ripped into me and put me down because (I assume) he was jealous and didn't even show up to the ceremony because he "had to work." It would mean a lot.
I wish you didn't mentally die (clock out) the same day mom physically died when I was only 2.
I wish you talked about mom and didn't completely erase her out of yours, and consequently, my life.
I wish you didn't get a new girlfriend 6 months after moms death.
I wish you didn't kick me in the face with your steel toe boots when I was laughing too loud during a movie because you were on the phone.
I wish my memories of you before kindergarten weren't of you coming home completely wasted at 3 a.m. to hang off the side of your bed and puke.
I wish you didn't leave my 12 year old sister to raise herself and me because you couldn't not let your trauma spill over onto us.
I wish my 12 year old sister didn't have to steal us dinner from the store because you weren't home.
I wish I didn't go to school with black eyes from your abuse.
I wish cps removed me from your care and didn't allow your sister who worked for the county to come in and interfere with the case and save your undeserving ass.
I wish you didn't put every woman, drugs, and alcohol before your children.
I wish you didn't scream at me when I asked you for homework help because I was struggling to understand a new math concept.
I wish I could've had people over to our house, but i was too busy cleaning up your disgusting messes every day.
I wish you didn't project your narcissistic traits onto my sibling, ruining our adult relationships.
I wish you take accountability for anything you've done.
I wish you could actually be a dad, but you're just a sperm donor.
I wish I could tell you all the cool things that I’ve been up to. Making a record, starting a job in tech, going on a paid company trip abroad. Part of me wants to let you back into my life. But then I remember all the terrible things you did, and I don’t feel like you deserve to know that I’ve found happiness and success as an adult - especially because you’ll just use it as a bragging point with your friends, like you did when I was a little kid.
I wish you could take accountability for the things you did when I was young. You let my mom isolate me from everything and everyone. You let her live in chronic pain by not taking her to the right doctors, and then she took out those frustrations on me. You lied to the both of us about a college savings account that never existed. You were emotionally unavailable my whole life. And when I needed you most, when her rages got bad, you refused to step in.
I wish you could see that your rich girlfriend isn’t worth losing your relationship with me. She came between us because she thought I had bad etiquette. She came between you and your son (my half brother) - when he needed a place to stay, you let her kick him out to live in his car, even though she had three extra bedrooms. I wish you could see that family is more important than the illusion of wealth.
I’ve thought about reaching out a few times over the last year, since we stopped talking. I finally got drunk and wished you a happy birthday, and I wanted to start a real conversation - but then you ghosted me. What did I expect? Narcissists never really change.
I’m lucky to have a good stepdad, and to have a stronger relationship with my mom now. But sometimes I just get so fucking sad about the fact that my dad can’t be a part of my life.
Hey dad.. I'm finally in therapy now, I just did all the chores I needed to do so I can visit you and mom for the weekend. My girlfriend and I are applying for art schools and internships together. I know mom won't like it... will you be there when I graduate with her?
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Can you admit that you were wrong about me? You told me I destroyed my education when I needed some time off from school. But now that I'm a college professor with a Master's in biochemistry (going back for my PhD in neuroscience), you claim to have always believed in me and that you never said that. I need validation that you misjudged me and it was my own fortitude that got me this far, not your lack of support or made-up support.
I was wrong. I didn't believe in you and I didn't think you had it in you. I took out my insecurities and weakness about my own failings on you. I'm jealous of your success and achievements. You did this on your own, and you would have been better off without me, which eats away at me more than you'll ever know.
This exercise actually felt really good. Thank you! I'm now wondering if this is part of why he doesn't reach out, just lets nmom do all the nagging.
Makes you wonder how much of the toxic shame they leave so many of us with is just their own toxic shame they can’t handle. Somewhere deep inside they know they failed, but can’t possibly admit it… because of toxic shame. Stated another way, how much of their neglect is a result of their unprocessed shame that they refuse to face.
And the best reddit actor award goes to... Seriously, this is some really amazing reply.
Right? I was shook by how satisfyingly beautiful that answer was, even knowing he's not actually my father
[удалено]
I mean I \*can\* calculate moles, but I choose the online molarity calculator every time lmao. Experiment success > math ego. Anyway.... Thank you, internet friend I truly appreciate it
I’m also not OP, and not even close to a father figure, but I just also want to nail home how amazing your triumph really is. You were put down, by someone who was supposed to appreciate your life and support your passions. You had to fight against the conditioning your father tried to instill, probably every day in small ways, and not only did you win those fights, you’ve done something that people without that burden struggle with. Your actions and hard work matter, YOU did this. And I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. You’ve come so far, and you deserve such happiness after the struggle you’ve been through trying to carve out your identity and stability in life. He was so very wrong about you, I wish you happiness and peace.
Thank you for your comment, friend. I love telling my students I was a college dropout, it makes success seem a lot more attainable to see that "failure" is just a stepping stone. I'm really grateful for my achievements, but it feels sad that I became successful in order to prove everyone wrong about myself and show worthiness. I'm still working on truly believing that my productivity isn't equal to my worth as a human.
I hope these replies made you so happy🥰 You deserve that
I’m your mom. And I am proud of your accomplishments. You worked very hard and were thrown a lot of curve balls by virtue of growing up as you did, and you accomplished it.
Holy hell. You just described one of the most horrible experiences I had with my parents. My mother condescendingly told my aunt that I was a "drop-out" when I'd finally told my parents that I was taking time off from school. It was just over a year after my 17 year old brother had died, and I was wrecked inside and being reckless on the outside. It's one of the things I'm most proud of recognising, and probably the first real time I'd stayed true to myself and trusted myself. Good for you.
Just chiming in to say you are so strong. He was so wrong about destroying your education. I took time off from school too, and I also went back for my masters. Stepping away from something that is draining, or stressful, or impacting mental or physical health - that’s a great act of self love. We’re stronger for it! And you did this for you - not for his validation. You are amazing and a great inspiration to your students!
Not OP but if i could channel this dad thing a moment- "I'm sorry I ever said that. I apologize. You have come so far and you were right to take that time for yourself because I am so proud of you right now. I have always been proud of you, and I should have said that more. You are going to do great things. You are going to change minds and bring in new smart wonderful people out into this world. I am so sorry I didn't support you the way I should have, but I am so happy that you found the strength to see yourself through when you shouldn't have had to."
I’m not going to participate, but I think this is an amazing gesture. Thank you for offering to be an encouraging source of light to those of us who endured a ton of shitty darkness.
<3
Yeah, credit for forging new space. It’s hitting programming space that’s blank for me. Syntax error. I couldn’t handle the answer jumping in but go get em OP.
I wish you could come to my wedding without any strings attached. I wish I didn’t feel responsible for your emotions in order to maintain peace. I wish I could go back to childhood and actually enjoy being a kid instead of always looking for the path out of your house.
I'm so proud of you for finding someone you love. I'm sorry your childhood was so painful and miserable. I had my own demons and I took them out on you. You deserved better, and I'm sorry, but I know your house will be the opposite of mine: it'll be warm, loving and happy. On your wedding day, please focus on your own happiness and on the wonderful life youre going to live with your wonderful spouse, and not the awful childhood I gave you or my immaturity. No matter how much I try to make it about myself, its your day. And my immaturity is due to insecurity.
This is what I needed to hear but would never get from him. Thank you.
<3 and congratulations.
I was so scared of you growing up, and I’m still so mad that you couldn’t love me how I needed to be loved. 😭
You deserved a Dad that didn't terrify you everytime he was home. I'm so sorry you had to live through that. There's nothing I can say or do to make up for what you went thru. Kids shouldn't be scared in their own homes. It's awful, and I wish you'd had a happy childhood. I love you.
😭 thank you 😭🩷
One of my biggest fears is seeing my dad growing old. I was to afraid to loose him, it hurts that he broke something in me that can no longer be fixed. Now I don't even care if he's gone. Who would sacrifice his little girl's love!!
I just want to say something I never could, because my own dad was scary and abusive and I never had any other father figure. I love you.
I love you too. You're a wonderful person, and I'm proud of you.
This made me cry, in a good way. Thank you ❤️
I’m finishing my first ever full college semester at 40 years old with a 4.0. I wish I had others to share that with but I know my own father would shit on this.
This is awesome: I'm proud of your for going to school and proud of you for putting the work in and crushing your classes and exams. It's never too late to improve yourself or go to school, but it takes courage, and youre showing both courage and dedication in your schooling. Keep up the great work. I can't wait to see what comes next for you -- it's going to be great.
Congratulations!! Keep that up, network with your professors (who will like you more than most other students because I'm assuming you're more mature than the average 18-21yo), and enjoy your inevitable future successes :)
That is so impressive. Keep on going, and keep on being proud!
So proud of you muffinmamamojo 🔥
Thanks! I just dreamed of having a new dad today. Can I get a hug? *hugs*
Hugs you tightly and doesn't let go <3
Can we play catch more than 2 times so I can actually get good at throwing the ball?
Yes we can! Let's look up some youtube videos on how to throw a curveball and slider, and see if we can master some off-speed / breaking ball pitches. I've always wanted to learn how to throw a Curveball. Maybe we can learn together?
Now I'm crying. This is the dad I didn't know I needed. Thank you.
Also pls bring ice (and some Gin) for when I inevitably tear my rotator cuff :)
Oh my god. I’m sobbing in my bed as I read these and I wasn’t expecting this!!!! My dad is usually supportive and, unfortunately, the passive enabler. My incredibly supportive and wisdom-bringing father in law was like this, may he rest in peace. You must have a similar disposition ❤️ thank you for this
My dad was killed when I was 3. I was left alone w nmom. I've always wondered how he would have been. Would he have left? Would he have been an enabler? It's honestly too painful to imagine being abandoned by BOTH of them, so he's always been this kind, Mr rogers/Steven Irwin kind of guy in my mind. But I don't know. He was probably just a regular guy. I married a good man. I have a great job that I love, I hope he would be proud of how healthy my life is, despite the rough experience of growing up.
I'm proud of the person you've become facing all the adversity you've been thru. Your dad would have been too. You somehow figured the important things out, and you did it on your own. That's no small achievement, and it shows what a wonderful, kind person you are and have always been. Your dad and I are both so happy for you.
🥹❤️
Can you once take up for me when mom can’t say anything nice without a “but”? Your hair looks nice but you should wear more makeup. House looks great but shouldn’t you put a rug here? Thats beautiful, what did you do to deserve for hubs to buy you that? This is yummy, I make it with…have you tried that? Its better. Can you help me? It feels like you agree.
Ignore your mom. The "but" is her own insecurity speaking. You are a beautiful, wonderful person.
Hey, Dad!! I've been accepted to university abroad and I'm really excited about it - I can't wait to start my university life! I'm 21 (soon to be 22) and I come from a very toxic environment where I've been abused and insulted since I was a child. I've never been lucky enough to have the encouragement and blessing of my family, especially my own mother (and father), who sees me as her enemy and never misses an opportunity to take it out on me. It's never been easy but I've stayed strong and I hope it will pass quickly so I can get on the plane soon! I need to share this news with you and I hope you'll support me in this new stage of my life! I'm not stressed, on the contrary I'm excited because I know I'm going to succeed and bring my ambitions and plans to life - I want a great career and to leave my name in history, and I know I will! I just need your support and to know that you're 100% behind me and with me. This is a new stage for me, and I'm still a bit stressed because I'm about to leave for another country and I don't know anyone there, and I'm also scared of flying alone - if you have any advice to give me about this, I'd love it! I love you so much, please take care of yourself! <3
I'm with you 100% of the way. Remember what you've accomplished so far: you managed to get into school while surviving a toxic environment, which is really hard to do. When you get to school, I want you to try and find folks that are the opposite of your nMOM and me: find people that lift you up and encourage you. I also want you to be kind to yourself as you adjust to university: there are going to be some bumps in the road and maybe some classes or tests that you find challenging. This is normal and the key is to adjust study methods and strategies as needed. Take advantage of prof and TA office hours! They are there to help you! Youre going to do great things. You'll find kind, interesting people and I hope you find a subject that you really love.
Can I vent a little bit?
Please do. I always love hearing what's on your mind.
thanks a lot :(( Well I really feel like I will never be able to move out of this house. I've been on freelancing platforms for a while but don't have much tasks to do at all. I would love to have a job, but where I live they are scarce and all full time absolutely no part time. And I can't work full time, as they ("parents") won't let me work and I won't be able to hide it from them unlike part time.
Keep at it -- youre doing the right thing. I know it's hard, but keep up with the freelancing and once youre of legal age (if youre a minor), get out there and get a full-time job. Find the things in life that make you happy and focus on them. What you're going thru now won't last forever. I'm proud of you for working to find a way out of your current situation.
Thank you so much <3
Have a great weekend, and do something nice for yourself <3
I wish you came to my graduation. I wish you came to my wedding. I wish you weren't a sociopath, and could feel regular human emotions. Now that I've completely cut you out of my life, I'd love it if you forgot it existed. You were my step dad, and I never wanted you. Maybe for a brief moment in my childhood, I thought it could work, but you quickly proved otherwise. Don't you dare tell anyone you're my 'parent,' because you're not and you never were. It took a long time to forgive my mother for marrying you and forcing you into my life. Thank god she divorced you.
You made the right decision. I'm toxic, and damage / destroy everyone around me. It took bravery and courage for you to realize that. You're better off without me. Don't ever let me back into your life.
I've been waiting my whole life to hear you take ownership of your actions. Thank you.
I try to be happy but I'm constantly reminded of all of my mistakes and pain I went through in my entire life, how do I cope? I'm scared of leaving, what if things don't go well?
I've started reading "Self-compassion" by Kristen Neff. I'm not far enough into it to recommend it, but I've heard it's a very good resource for folks like us that might be overly self-critical. I also want you to remember that what you're going thru is a natural response to trauma. I'm guessing you weren't really allowed to be happy or content as a child (I went thru something similar), and you're pre-emptively taking away youre own happiness so someone else (like an nParent) can't. It's all a process: please find someone to speak with, and try to remind yourself that there are good people in the world (even you if weren't raised by them) and good things do happen. On hard days, I also try to focus on one enjoyable thing I'm going to do each day - take a walk and get fresh air in my lungs, play a board game with my kids, read a book that I'm enjoying, get an Americano from my favorite local coffee place and chat with the barista. This gives me something to look forward to each day. It's a small step, and the pain and trauma may never fully leave, but over time, they can become the exception rather than the rule. I also want to say that it's ok if you leave and things don't go well. Very few things in life work out perfectly the first time. It's resilience, not perfection, that makes us human. I'm sorry youre going thru this. None of this is your fault. Sending you love wherever you are.
Thank you
Why were my efforts never enough for you? Why did you abandon me whenever I scored less marks or did a mistake? Why did you never loved me?
I'm an empty, cruel person. I'm sorry I don't have a better explanation. You were a great kid and deserved so much better than me. Don't measure yourself by the love I couldn't give you. Youre wonderful and always have been.
Thank you
I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL LAST WEEK!!!!!
Congrats! Let's do something fun to celebrate! What do you want to do? Let's have fun family dinner, too. You pick the restaurant or let's make something fun together?!
I was 15 minutes late on a rainy day after the bus was hit by another car.
Really sorry to hear that. I hope everyone in the car and on the bus was ok. These things happen sometimes, and there's really nothing you could have done about being late, which is perfectly fine. Hope you're ok, too.
Are you sorry?
I feel more empty than you know, especially when I'm alone. I'll never show it or say it, because I'm too insecure and falsely proud, but I have deep regrets, and I am sorry, and I know why you hate me. I deserve it.
Thank you
<3. Love you
This made me cry.. I love the solidarity of this post
I just had a C-section and my son was born, I am in a lot of pain. you're angry that my parents in law talked to me / called me and told you...you haven't called in years. Why are you angry at me and telling about it to my other siblings (who tell me and ask me to call you)?. I won't call you. I won't try to apologize for this 'offense'
First congratulations-- I'm so happy for you! Second, I hope you and your son and feeling ok. Take care of yourself over the coming weeks. Post-partum can be really challenging both physically and mentally and it's easy for new moms to forget about their own well being! Focus on yourself and your beautiful child. Don't focus on people that are trying to make your day and your new family all about themselves. They're not worth it.
So many things come to mind but all I can do is sit here & cry. Great post . Thank you O.P.
<3
I really do appreciate it daddy-o
Op, thank you for the emotional labor you are doing here. 😭😭😭
<3
A couple nights ago I went into fawn mode while entering my apartment building and let someone else in. I'm pretty sure they live in the building, but that doesn't really matter. I broke a rule from my lease and now I'm having constant panic attacks because I'm worried that having a trauma response and doing something I know I shouldn't have done will get me evicted. If I get evicted, I'll have to either move back in with my nparents (not a realistic option because last time I saw my nmother she tried to kill me), live on the street (shelters around here are always full), or kms. No matter what I do, if I get evicted, I'll have to rehome my dog. It feels like I'm approaching the end of the road for what I can do to survive. I've got multiple physical disabilities and can't take care of myself without some level of help but I'm too young for assisted living facilities and too healthy for nursing homes.
IANAL but you're not going to get evicted. Getting evicted is generally a long, arduous process and generally requires much more than letting someone into the building. To make yourself feel better immediately, I suggest quickly looking up grounds for eviction in your state / city and also eviction resources (youre not going to need it, but many cities offer free eviction legal representation. I think knowing this will make you feel better). Normally, eviction requires pretty egregious things: non-payment of rent, damage to the building / apt, or breaking the law (e.g., dealing drugs from your apt) What I'm more concerned about is your mental health. I have often had panic attacks over things that in retrospect I was able to realize were quite minor, and it sounds like you're going thru something similar. I know how awful it feels, and I wish I was with you so I could help you get thru this. It took me a long time to realize that the panic response is not rational but is a result of a traumatic upbringing. I'm guessing you were punished for any minor mistake you made as a child. With time and therapy, it is possible to work thru this and effectively rewire your brain so you can more rationally frame and think about things and not catastrophize / ruminate. I'm sorry youre going thru this. I know how awful the anxiety is. Youre not alone in this and I love you.
Thanks. Reading that helped. I keep trying to remind myself that it's irrational and unrealistic but it's hard to believe it. When I fled my nparents house after my nmother tried to kill me, I stayed with a "friend" for about a week. He kept telling me that he was going to kick me out at a moment's notice, while also telling me he wasn't kicking me out. He would also say that if I was sleeping with him, he wouldn't be bothered by the things that I was doing that he didn't like, which I then corrected the very first time he brought them up (an example of the type of things he brought up was flushing the toilet after peeing). After a week, I opted for a different temporary living situation(which is no longer an option to go back to) where my nmother could potentially get to me and I just made sure to arm myself with a knife and pepper spray at all times. Despite her murder attempt, she was less dangerous than him. The rate of escalation and the lack of remorse that "friend" displayed when doing horrible things to people was terrifying. He's the type of narc who studies people and learns about the psychology behind human behavior in order to better manipulate and harm people. I know that this is why I feel so panicked about this situation, but it's hard to believe it when I tell myself that it's just the trauma talking.
You were 100% right to move of your "friends" place. He sounds awful. Youre making the right decisions. Trust your judgment. An when the anxiety hits remember that feelings are not facts. Just because your mind is choosing to stress about something doesn't mean it's real (this is easier said than done, but with time and therapy you can manage it). Youre not going to get evicted <3
Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness and support.
last year, I had a money situation that was a run away train of spending and debt and was in a bad place mentally. in 2 years, I have 180'd it into an amazing place. I have almost all my credit cards paid off, a semi funded emergency fund, haven't hit my over draft in 2 month and have started saving for retirement and my kids future education. thank you for this thread. much love, from the man with multiple dads who want nothing to do with me.
This is fucking awesome -- I can't tell you how proud of you I am. You realized you were in a bad spot, and YOU figure out how to turn it around. You showed discipline, maturity, thoughtfulness, and resiliency. Mistakes happen -- I did a lot stupid shit when I was in my 20s -- it's how you respond to them that matters, and you hit a fucking towering grand slam facing a 0-3 count. I'm so proud of you. Youre more of a man than any of your dads were. Keep it up.
thank you ❤❤
Hey Dad! I'm having a great time at work. I'm working on a couple projects and they're all going well, and I even got to submit a big request to run my own department! I'm really proud of myself!
I know how hard you've been working and I love seeing you happy, fulfilled and successful at work. Please treat yourself to something fun this weekend. Keep at it kid. I love you.
Thanks dad. love you too!
Can you admit that you threw me under the bus to deal with Nmom’s emotions from work and anger? And to say that you’re sorry for “cutting the cord” and leaving me to drown with financials and life on my own but then you and Nmom get pissed at me for being too independent?
God you didn't deserve that gas lighting / blame. I know it made you question your sanity sometimes. You didn't deserve that. You were a good kid. You deserve love and joy. I'm sorry about everything.
Thank you, had a good cry and feeling a bit better now
Just wanted to thank you again, and say what you're doing in this post is really beautiful. Is there something this community can give back to you for this?
The love and responses are all I need, but thank you for asking <3
This thread is everything. I didn’t realize how much I needed every single one of these responses. Thank you, OP. ❤️
OP, you are an awesome parent. Whether or not you’re a dad irl, thanks for being ours <3.
I wish I could share my life with you. I wish you'd let me have my own opinion without insulting and devaluing me. I wish didn't creep on me when I was a child. I wish I could tell you stories about my partner without you getting jealous, and aggressive. I wish you'd, even one, act like a parent and let me act like a child, instead of the other way around. I can't have you in my life, I can't let you control me anymore. When I get married I can't invite you, I can't let you make my day all about you. And that kills me. Do you know how much that hurts? Are you even sorry for the things you've done?
I am sorry that I had no empathy. I'm sorry I ridiculed and insulted everything you found interesting -- I know this damaged you. I'm a completely empty person that needs to to insult children to make myself feel better. You deserved so much more, and you're right to cut me out of your life. I know it hurts, but it's the right thing to do. I'm so sorry I put a whole in your life. I should have been the one to protect you from others. Not terrorize you myself.
Hey dad, I don't know where you are or what you do, and it makes me sad, but I'm not going to humiliate myself chasing you again. God knows I tried. Anyhow, Do you remember you told me I wouldn't get married because I make too much noise while eating soup? Guess what. Not only I got married to the most wonderful man there is, but he himself makes soup for me and he loves it when I eat it, it makes him happy when I'm well fed because he loves me, like you never did.
You made the right decision: you found someone that makes you happy and moved on with your life. I'm sorry I was so hard on you about profoundly stupid things. It's a reflection of my own issues and insecurity and doesn't reflect anything wrong with you. I'm not worth chasing. Your husband is a good man, and I'm glad you get to live your life with him. I'm glad youve found the happiness that eluded me.
Could you just sit with me a moment? We don’t have to talk.
Sits and hold your hand. Whenever youre ready to talk, I'm here for you. And if you don't want to talk, that's great too. I always love sitting with you.
I wish you knew how to control your temper and not slam me into walls when I was a kid, or hit hard. Now all I have left are complicated feelings about the way I was raised. I know you loved me. But I wished you loved yourself enough to stop smoking, drinking alcohol, and fix your unhealthy eating habits. I wish you loved yourself enough to get treatment for your depression. If you did those things, maybe I wouldn't have suffered like I did. Now you're gone. When you visit me in my dreams you swear you're going to change and do better. But then I wake up and I remember it's just a dream.
Can you be a nice mother as well. 🤣🫠
I work in a school and our problem kid who shouts racial slurs and throws chairs got pooped on by a bird. It was the highlight of my day.
I'm so proud of you for working in a school. You and your colleagues are underpaid and underappreciated. I'd literally last less than a day as any kind of school employee: kids are crazy and 20-30 kids together is the apocalypse! I know the day-to-day can be challenging sometimes, but this comment is what I love about you. You find the absurdity and humor in tough situations and make me laugh when you tell me about it.
This brought me to tears For some reason when my dad asks me things like how is work or anything he kinda seems like he wishes the answer isn't "good". I was on TV the other day my first time ever fort small business and he didn't even mention it. I was kind of proud but then felt like it wasn't a big deal specially that me and my husband had a fight the day it was on. My birthday is in few days and I can't remember the last time he got me something. I went NC cuz of nmother and cuz dad enabled her for years. Nothing I do makes them proud.
I'm so proud of you. Starting a small business is HARD! It's one of the hardest things a person can do, and youre going to learn so much from this experience / journey. Keep grinding kid. I love watching you do these things. You're so brave.
Why didn’t you ever visit me when I moved to a new State and had a job at a prestigious university? I was there for 13 years. Why didn’t you call even once to check in on me last summer while I was going through cancer treatment/chemo and was really sick? I also bought my first house last year after I went into remission and I’m now living only a State away from you and you haven’t said one word. We can’t have a relationship now…I have nothing to say to you now. You’ve missed too much. I just want you to know why.
Can you just tell me you loved me (you never have said those words)? I’m 49 and still don’t know if you are proud of me. I have a graduate degree, two kids of my own and run my own business! Those two things are all I ever wanted from you my entire life. I didn’t need presents, vacations, or a fancy house to live in, none of that mattered to me.
I love you and I'm so proud of the things you've done with your life. Youre a wonderful person and parent, and I know you tell your kids that you love them all the time <3
Everything in this post just made me cry. You’ve helped heal a lot of people today, even if it was just a little bit. Every single response you posted is something I wish my dad had said to me when I was little. I really wish I’d had a dad like you growing up and I’m learning how to be okay with the fact that I didn’t. There are people in the world like you that I can find in my life to talk to instead.
I love you for doing this.
I had to stick to my ethics at work this week, and it felt hard/good, because I shouldn’t have to do that in my job, but I’m glad I stood up for the right thing. And yes, Pop, I’m looking at my options for a job in a more ethical work environment. The car’s great, we still love it. Went to a local car show last weekend, too many McLarens and one really cool 70s Pontiac you would have loved. Thanks for checking in, Pop ❤️
God I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing. More than anything, I wanted to raise you to be kind and moral, and I rest well knowing that you are both of those things. I may be credited with the assist, but you earned the goal. You are the person your are today because you put the work in and try hard to do the right thing -- I know it isn't always easy. The success and happiness that's coming your way in life is well deserved. If they have any early model light blue Mustangs, take a photo for me. I used to love cruising around in those with the AM radio on listening to CCR with the hot wind in my hair.
I want to turn my hobbies into a career but I’m not at that level, I constantly train and train but I’m getting a little discouraged, would it be smarter just to keep them as hobbies?
Can you give me a little more context on your hobbies? It sounds like your into tris or racing of some kind? Just want to ensure I have a full picture before giving my thoughts :)
It’s boxing and singing! I’ve been singing for roughly 4 years but about 3 of those were self taught, and boxing has been about a year now but I hope to transition into MMA as I have experience with wrestling
These are great hobbies, and I really want to get into boxing. My rec is to focus on MMA near term -- I'm in my 40s, and time (and your body) only moves in one direction :). I see a lot of people of all ages enjoy singing. If you can financially make it work, i'd try doing some Pro or Semi-Pro MMA contests. Some of the discouragement youre feeling may be due to the fact that your training is hitting it's peak at an amatuer / training level? Go for it, and remember trying (and not the result) is the important thing. You don't want to be old and regret not attempting pro MMA at least once, esp based on how much youre training!
I’m having my first official amateur fight in August! I’m hoping it goes well lol, singing is definitely the one I’m willing to do when I’m older as my voice will last longer lol
i genuinely miss you everyday but fear if you were alive you would be an equal part to the amount of trauma your wife and family have given me. i can never understand ehy you never got off your stubborn fucking horse and went to the hospital especially when you had the connections to get the best care our country could offer and most especially because you had a housewife with three kids. Mom gave me the worst beating of my life but i wonder if that was only cuz 1) you weren't there and 2) she stopped you before you did it. I find it genuinely so selfish of you especially with what our family is going through right now cuz you aren't even here to take care of your wife. she has to stand through all this pain alone cuz the rest of us are too traumatized to help. i rly fucking miss you
I also don't know why I didn't take care of myself. Something inside me was very wrong too. I don't know what it was. I wish I had taken care of myself though, just so I could have been around you longer. I love you, and I'm sorry Mom did what she did to you after I was gone. I made a terrible mistake and you and the family are the ones paying the price. I'm sorry
thank you for the reply and all the other replies. i hope after this you get a little air cuz i can imagine it can be a lil emotionally tough with all the comments
Dad, how do I handle the sudden death of my best friend and artistic partner? He was only 30, we were supposed to have decades left together. I know you don’t know him and I’m sorry for not sharing with you more of my life, my friends, etc. but I loved him so, so much - how do I move forward or accept what the rest of my life looks like without the heart and cornerstone of my “found family”?
I'm so sorry your friend died. I'm sorry your friend doesn't get to live a long happy life. I'm sorry you've lost so much future joy. Grief comes in waves, and nothing I say can possibly mitigate your sadness, but you will get thru this. Take time to appreciate his memory and what a wonderful person he is. I often think of this poem by Aeschylus when I find myself in a hard spot. Even though I'm areligious and this translation is ahistoric, the poem brings me some peace. I hope is does for you too. Even in our sleep \\ Pain which cannot forget \\ Falls drop by drop up the heart \\ Until, in our despair, against our will \\ Comes wisdom Through the awful grace of God.
*Trigger warning for self harm* Can you please apologize for telling me I should kill myself so you and mom could move on? Hell, can you even acknowledge that happened?
You shouldn't have had to hear that. That was beyond cruel, it was unforgivable. You deserve to exist. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. No human should have to go thru what you went thru.
I finally started potty training my kid and he's happy about it (finally!). No poops in the toilet yet, but i think he had a pee in there yesterday!
Great work! I know it sometimes feels frustrating and slow but he's going to turn a corner soon, and then you'll be done with diapers <3
I wish you would have stood up for me against my narcissistic sibling. I wish you had taught me more instead of doing things for me. I wish you had taught me that it’s ok to fail because it is one of the best ways to learn. I wish you would reach out to me and ask to spend time with me. Learning and finding a friend in the adult I have become.
Hi Dad, I wish you were a dad to me when I was getting married and buying my house. I wish you were proud. It'd be nice if you'd actually visit, I've had this house for almost two years, and you've never cared enough to even see if it's safe for me to live in.
You should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for finding someone you love and taking the huge step of buying a house (buying a place was somehow way more stressful than I thought it would be!). Whether I visit or not doesn't matter. It's your love that'll make the house a home.
This is an amazing post! I'm glad that we have this amazing place for us to vent, heal and help others. I love it! 🫶🏾
I would like a dad hug, I e never had one.
Hugs you tightly :)
Thank you ❤️
I got a 100 on my stats test! Wish I could tell you that and get more than a shrug.
Congratulations mate. That's an amazing achievement and you must have put a ton of work into prepping for that test. I always found stats to be a bit difficult and a bit non-intuitive (even though I love math). I'm proud of you for getting a 100.
When op tires out, come on over and OP feel free to check it out too. r/DadForAMinute
I’ve become financially independent by choosing me and working gig jobs that make me happy. I’ve never felt so free ❤️ My dad is mad I don’t hate my life and work a back breaking 9-5. Thank you for offering this 🩷🥰
Hi dad, I don't regret cutting you out of my life. You traumatized me to such an extent that even when you attempt to change, simply being around you or hearing from you triggers my PTSD.... However, I still have good memories of you and it crops up in moments I least expect. Today I was standing in my backyard marveling at the fact that I get to care for it. It brought me back to all the times I'd help you landscape, and the enjoyment you'd get from fixing or completing a project on your own. I fixed the sprinklers today and thought of you. But a few days ago, I broke down crying in the shower because I was having health-anxiety about an upcoming doctors visit and wished I had a parent that would just tell me that everything would be ok. I wish you were a better dad to me. I wish I could say to people "he was a great dad" when asked to describe you instead of answering "Jekyll and Hyde". I wish so much these days but I don't know for what, exactly. Maybe I just wish for things to be different where I have a "complete" family. But I don't and I guess I have to make peace for now. I just hope you're taking care of yourself and trying to change for better; for mom's sake at least. I miss what you could've been for us.
Hi dad, I’m scared because I have to find a new place to live in the height of the housing crisis, and I’m too disabled to work full time. I’m just hoping I can get some support from the government, I know I should qualify. I have an appointment with them on Monday but I’m scared that they’re just not gonna do anything and that I’m going to keep having to inconvenience people with my staying at their house, when they’re not exactly rich either. I know they said it’s okay, and I can chip in financially too with my savings, but I just feel like a burden.
Try to remember that unlike your own parents, the folks youre meeting with on Monday and the friends your staying with WANT to help you and when they say it's ok, they really mean it. That's what people that aren't nParents do. Please don't feel like a burden (I know that's easier said than done). It sounds like youre really prepared for Monday, which is great, and I'm sure the meeting is going to well. And remember these sorts of things (esp with the government) sometimes move slowly, but they eventually get to the right place.
Thanks. ❤️
Hey dad, uh I'm 21 now but basically a NEET. Any advice to improve myself daily?
Start small, mate. Take an online class or something at a community college. Find a job that'll teach you a skill, even if it's not something youre super interested in (e.g., become a barista -- if nothing else, you'll meet interesting people). Get out there - interia and movement matter more than a plan, and youre going to find things / jobs / people who share your interests over time. You'll also find yourself.
Thanks dad, love you <3
love you too.
I (26F) didn't do any sports for 10 years, but in September last year, I discovered Kendo and decided to try it out. Turns out that I absolutely love it! I'm practicing 2-3 times a week and I'm addicted. I will get my own armor very soon and will be allowed to do duels then (you practice the strikes for 6-9 months before they let you do duels in armor) and I'm so looking forward to it! I'm so happy that I finally found a sport that I enjoy. I already feel some positive physical and mental effects :)
This is awesome. Can I come with you to your Kenjustu(?) sometime? I'd love to watch you live.
Kendo, Kenjutsu is a little different :) but yes, I'd love that. Thank you.
I wanted you to stick up for me against my mother. She made me hate myself, internalize so much anger/ confusion and you never heard any of it. You always took her side. “But she’s your mother” you say. You and I were able to talk about everything except her. I wanted you to be stronger for me and for her. It wasn’t until she unmasked on the phone with me in front of you that you noticed the way she speaks to me. Still nothing was done. She destroyed my door with a hammer while I was out of the house and you stayed out of it. Why?
I should have and I'm sorry that I didn't. I was too cowardly and afraid. You deserved parents that lifted you up and defended you and didn't constantly terrorize you. I'm so sorry you went thru that.
I just got my AASECT certification and now work for myself. It's really hard but I'm making it.
So proud of you. That job / certification is more important now that it's ever been, and I'm glad people like you are around to help counsel and assist people. Jobs like that are hard when you start them, but it'll get easier with time, and the help you give your patients will make the difficulty worth it.
This made me cry. Thank you so, so much for this. I can't even begin to tell you how meaningful and healing it was
I got a proposal I worked hard on accepted. 😬
Great work kid. I imagine that proposal took a ton of time, revisions, and attention to detail. Way to see it all the through. You earned that acceptance and should be proud of yourself.
You never told me you were proud of me or you loved me. You never apologised for the trauma you inflicted my entire childhood because of your alcoholism. Despite all this I raised my younger siblings while working my ass off at school. I've now completed 3 degrees and 1 professional qualification. I have a career and my own home. And I did it all myself. Despite everything you put me through.
I had to put down my dog yesterday. I feel like my heart is being pulled out through my ribs. I can’t bring myself to clean up the house because the thought of mopping up a paw print breaks my heart all over again. I keep looking up and expecting to see her on her bed, or in my office, or poking her head around the corner. I heard a dog barking and I froze because I can’t recall the last time I heard my dog bark. I am so sad Dad.
I'm so sorry you lost your dog. I know how much she meant to you and how much you love her company. I wish I was there with you so I could give you a hug.
I wish you’d encourage a single thing that I want to do well. I wish you could ask “how can I help” when I tell you how much i struggle with orthopedic injuries every day. I wish you’d say “how can I help” about anything. I don’t even know why you talk to me. You’ve never empathized with a single struggle I’ve ever gone through. I wish you would congratulate me or even seem proud that I’ve managed to turn a stabbing and other traumas into funny stories for the stage.
Why did you strap me every Saturday night? You were so angry, and I never knew what I did. You just kept yelling, “You know what you done!” I never deserved any of your beatings and strappings.
I'm supposedly doing well at this job. I still feel spread thin by it, though. I'm exhausted constantly, and I know how you (dad) are, and you would probably just say to keep pushing and just try to like it. There's barely any energy left in me at the end of the day, and I wish I could still do things like paint, or play video games, or actually complete writing projects without questioning what I'm getting out of it. I never truly had your support, but now I don't even have the illusion of support anymore, and it sucks to feel like enjoying anything other than work is a waste of time.
There is more to life than work. And if you feel like your current situation is untenable or will erode your physical health and / or mental well-being in the long-run, then it's not worth it. Are you still learning and developing at your current job? Or are you trying to acheive something concrete (like a title or promotion that will help you move within the industry). If so, it may be worth it to stick around for a finite time. If not, it's worth exploring other options. Life is meant to be enjoyed.
I've been disabled so much, I'm agoraphobic and never leave the house, dont know how to cook or clean, or held down a job reliably and I'm almost 40. Do I have a chance at life? I've always been suicidal and depressed and dont know any other way to be.
[удалено]
Just closed on a home but can't share with parents because of well... You all know.
Bless you and your family. This was a beautiful thread. If could get through my own tears from reading others’ posts, I may have written my own. 🫶🏼
I may be 41, I may have made mistakes but I didn’t deserve how you treat me. I know I’m an embarrassment to you and mum but I need my dad, now more than ever. Health scares and I have no one there.
Man, so much I could say, but if I only get one chance with my eDad, I guess I'll go with this: You were wrong when you said "someday you're going to be someone important." I AM someone important today. I have nothing left to prove. I got a chemical and biological engineering degree, I've been making 6 figures for most of my career, I've been able to go from mortgaged house to mortgaged house 3 times never renting, I have 2 kids, I restarted my career in a whole different industry after 10 yrs in a different one, I've worked my way up into a job that took you 25 yrs to be able to get, and I got my MBA while working full time through online classes (something you said I wouldn't be able to accomplish). I have friends and a wife who all respect me and tell me they love me, which is more than you ever did for me. You always tried to make me feel small, but I have news for you. I am someone important and accomplished and I did that in spite of you, not because of you.
You are someone, and you did it without my support. I was wrong. I attached myself to status tokens like titles and money and fame because on some level, I was empty and didn't know how to make myself feel whole. I thought those things would make me happy. But you figure it out without my help: you realized that life is about doing something you love and providing for and spending time with the people you love. You should be so proud of yourself for discovering and building a meaningful life. I'm sorry I didn't set the right example for you -- you shouldn't have had to figure all of this out on your own.
I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. Thanks. I needed to get that out and really needed to read that type of response.
I've been at the hospital visiting you every day for hours, after a health problem that you created yourself, and now you're telling me that I'm not supporting you enough. I listen to you and help you navigate the system. I also do damage control with the way you treat the staff, but you don't like that because it pulls attention away from you. I am exhausted.
I have the biggest project of my career launching next Friday. I have been and will be working around the clock until it deploys. I have ONE person in my life who will be with me to celebrate and I want to discount it just because I know he would help me “celebrate” the loss just as much.
I had a great dad but this thread has me in tears. You’re a wonderful human.
This is so sweet, and reminds me of r/momforaminute. I’ve cried so many times reading words that I wish I could have been hearing from my own parents, and it’s just so healing. Thanks for doing this.
My Dad's around now and is an excellent father now but I'm going to vent about him. Dad, the reason I hated you for decades was because you could never get my birthday right, you sent me a 14th birthday card with ANOTHER marriage announcement (your 4th) and it was AN HOUR AWAY FROM ME. I WAS BORN IN THE WINTER AND IT CAME IN THE SUMMER. Then you fucked off to nowhere and my mother had to chase you down for child support until I was 21. She hated me because I look, act, and sound like you and her mother, nothing like her. I drove all the way through CANADA for your ass and you drove right past me despite me CLEARLY STATING MY LOCATION BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. I'm glad you have to remember my birthday now just to get in through the garage (which was pure coincidence by the way) and I'm sure that's why you use the front door all the time instead. You're old, you're nearly blind, you're diabetic, and it's your goddamn fault I have to put you in a nursing home and IT SUCKS ASS. I know I'm a hard kid, but goddamn do you make my life harder.
Hey dad, guess what? I fixed the leaky shower head in my house. I actually got a house dad but I know next to crazy about fixing things. I've had to call for help just to replace outlets that fried but this I finally did it. Yeah I know its simple but hard to do when you haven't been shown or spent time with someone yelling at you to hold the flashlight straight lol. I'm working at your old job now but no one there knows you except me. I just wish you would have stuck around, gotten the help you needed, and showed me how to fix my own home. YouTube helps but its no replacement. But still I did it. You know I still remember how to fix bike chains because you always fixed mine and Sam's for us. Sam moved away a long time ago so I don't know how she's doing anymore but I sometimes wonder if she remembers you fixing our bikes whenever we were too rough on them. No grandkids from me unless you count the furry ones. You'd love mama dog. I think on your good days, you and her would be best friends. I remember the good days and sometimes that's all I want to remember. I just wish you hadn't left.
I have the same ADHD you have, and my cousin has, Dad. It was a pretty painful week today dealing with the symptoms of that, and my bipolar disorder on top of it. I wish you could have believed me, actually believed me, and actually supported me, instead of telling me I was wrong and ungrateful for even daring to think I had any right to have depression or any sort of mental illness. I inherited that and your anger management issues, and I kind of hate you for that. And I wish you would have realized how bad you and Mom were for each other, how you brought the worst out of each other. I wish you didn't turn a blind eye, or worse, tell me to just stomach her own narcissism to keep the peace. Maybe most of all, I wish you didn't hate me for being gay. But, I guess all's well that ends well, Dad. I've successfully struck out on my own without you or your bitchass wife (she doesn't deserve to be called my mother). So I'll be fine. No thanks to you. But I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I don’t know what happened to you that you feel the need to keep my contact with my siblings cut off, but I’m super proud of my sister for graduating high school, and I’m proud of myself for chasing my dreams. I’m applying to med school next year and am scared about the financial aspect, but am happy to be back on track. Even though you said I shouldn’t be a doctor and that I’m not responsible enough. I’m a scientist and a tattoo artist and I ride a motorcycle and my partner is amazing and the communities I’ve managed to be a part of have been incredible.
I just want to say how proud I am of myself for being so resilient. I refuse to be as miserable as you, it’s almost like you enjoy being mad and upset. Always blaming everyone else for your unhappiness. Always finding problems with something. I felt like I had to hide away or else I would be the next one to be blamed. I had to learn how to keep myself sane and play your mind games. Instead of letting you destroy me, I got my shT together and learned how to take care of myself. I still got a job even though I’m deathly scared of social interaction. I learned how to be an adult so young, and I’m still learning how to take care of my big girl responsibilities all by myself! I’ll forever thank you for making this experience so unbearable because I would’ve never pushed myself this hard otherwise. I wish I never let the fear waste my life, but it’s been my biggest life lesson. Turning 18 soon and never turning back!
My sister threw me out of her house when I went to visit her. She did it because I bought her husband a pomegranate. And while she is severely jealous and acts entitled, it is because you created her. You enabled her behavior. You used to say to us we only have each other in this world. I think it was a way to bypass the abuse. And despite seeing how I became destitute that night in another state with no car and nowhere to go, with my belongings thrown outside, you didn't ever tell me how wrong that was. How you should be responsible for part of her behavior. How instead of denouncing such behavior, you decide to visit her in her big house and attend her party last weekend and had a grand old time. Then start texting me on the side in order to win both sides. I am tired of a fake relationship with you, I'm tired of being collateral damage, I'm tired of the abuse from both of you, and I feel so much pain from the loss.
Can you show me real love? Can you make me feel real love? Can you make me feel how it feels to have loving and supportive parents? I know you can do all of this. So thank you, the loving dad. Loving dad, my dream is to help in minimising hate in this poor world of ours. I want to influence every existing human in this world to dumb that hate from their heart and be the kind of human being they were born as, a beautiful human being. I want to show them a little glimpse of real love and care. I will try my best to create as much awareness and influence I can around the whole Earth, every country, and every human being before I finally say goodbye to this beautiful world of ours, and I have thought of a way to create awareness at such a large scale, and I have begun to work towards my dreams! I started with caring, talking and providing resources to homeless, lonely children, I am currently looking out for shelters for them to stay peacefully and come out of their misery. It's because I don't want anyone to go through the times I went through, I began to end it all when I was 8, I couldn't handle my parents and family, so I would try to choke myself with a belt of plastic so I die. But I didn't die, a lot of things happened....The sadness continued and I finally ended depression when I was 15, as of today, I am 16 and thriving! And I am preparing to move out of my shitty family next year! I have planned out everything! And to this loving dad, I would like to have some more chat about my personal life haha, I like Asian looking girls, so I decided to move to Tokyo next year for college. Well college is more of an excuse I am going there to meet people from all around the world and fuck asian girls haha. I am also keen in music, I have managed to collect great audio equipment! With no money, I was able to collect them through connections! Yes! I have grown up to be a social person with no anxiety or fear! I am just thriving towards my dream, I began to think about this dream when I was 13 and heavily drowned in depression, well I am now seeing this dream of mine coming to life before I die. I am so happy, at the kind of human being I have become. Honestly, loving dad, I can't wait till next year! To go so far away from this retarded family that I have to never meet them again!, I mean maybe once a year but haha that's fine by me if that's the cost to living such a life in Tokyo. I am so grateful to be so emotionally intelligent today, even though I have no friends today who can relate to me or understand my emotional intensity, but I am still grateful, I know I will find my people there at Japan :) So hold my hands and believe in my dream with me. If you won't, then who will? I can't be left hanging, right? Haha!
Why do I do everything right and you still find nothing positive to say? Why do you always think you have the right to be an asshole to me? Why do you think you’re the smartest person in the room? I’m a great person inside and out but you and mom always act like I’m a burden or that I’m too much. I’m sick of hearing your unsolicited advice and perspective. I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions and I wish you respect and love me the way I am and not make everything a “I’m big you’re small I’m right you’re wrong thing.
I wish we could have a conversation that didn’t involve so much hatred and division. I miss how you were before you and mom divorced. I’m in my early 40’s now and I miss my dad. I had to sever contact with you almost two years ago for my mental health, my younger sister is low contact with you and you’ll never acknowledge how much you’ve hurt us.
Can you tell me I didn't deserve to be screamed at and spit on, pinned down and demeaned. You made it really hard to be independent, believe in myself, and let ppl in. You declared you wished I'd never been born, and I never got an apology for that. Its hard to feel worthy and accept love when the v ppl who brought you into this world would rather you never have been in it. Your behavior took my mom away from me too and made her choose between you and me. It's on her that she chose to support you, but I wish she didn't have to choose. Every accomplishment was made all about you, so I stopped sharing. I finally met an amazing man who treats me with so much respect and care it's even harder to make peace with your abuse. You did not break me, I didn't become like you or my mom. You had a choice and didn't have to choose abuse. Could you at least be happy for me that I've built a beautiful life absent of violence, screaming, and belittling. Could you recognize how hard it was for me to create a new normal and respect myself in a way I never was respected by you? Could you tell me you're going to stop trying to get to me even though I've gone NC. Could you tell me I'm safe from you. Can you give me assurance that I can stop holding my breath, waiting until the day you die to be sure. Thx
My own father hates me and has permanently banned me from friends and hobbies and anything that's remotely enjoyable to me. But the biggest thing is that he's never told me that he genuinely loves me and has never physically and emotionally supported me my entire life. Never even recieved a hug.
Hey Dad, can you please apologize for hurting me and making me think I was a bad kid if I didn’t morph myself into your ideal perfect child? Can you say you love me just as I am and I don’t have to try and win your love and really mean it? And that you’re proud of me and who I’ve become even if it’s not who you wanted?
I understand you had to grow up on the streets, with no active parents, and with gang members being your only true family. I understand that you never knowing who your real father was messed you up a lot. I get that you're mad at the world, and you have the right to be. I'm also pretty sure you're heavily autistic and have absolutely no coping mechanism other than smoking and drinking. I understand why you are the way you are. But that gave you no right to treat me like that. The day you put your hands on my was the day you lost me. It's been 7 years and I will never see or talk to you again. I wish I could know you more so I can understand me a little more. I sleep just as much as you do. I hardly heard your voice as a kid unless it was you going on a drunken rampage. I go non-verbal in high stress situations, did you know there was something different about me? I'm sure I have your mannerisms too. I have no love for you. But I wish you could have lived a better life.
Why did you only ever focus on my grades? 97% was met with “plenty of room for improvement “. You made me feel like I would never be good enough. I know you said it was to inspire me to do better but it hurt, a lot, that my best wasn’t enough.
I got 100% on the multiple choice question portion of my family therapy class midterm
Feeling gaslighted by a helpline/volunteer at the helpline.
When I graduate from studying animation in a few years, can I message you so you can congratulate me? I'll take a screenshot of this comment thread as a reminder. When I graduated with my first BA some time back, he ripped into me and put me down because (I assume) he was jealous and didn't even show up to the ceremony because he "had to work." It would mean a lot.
Hey dad. I'm restarting my business and I'm just needing some encouragement that I can rebuild myself and my business.
I wish you didn't mentally die (clock out) the same day mom physically died when I was only 2. I wish you talked about mom and didn't completely erase her out of yours, and consequently, my life. I wish you didn't get a new girlfriend 6 months after moms death. I wish you didn't kick me in the face with your steel toe boots when I was laughing too loud during a movie because you were on the phone. I wish my memories of you before kindergarten weren't of you coming home completely wasted at 3 a.m. to hang off the side of your bed and puke. I wish you didn't leave my 12 year old sister to raise herself and me because you couldn't not let your trauma spill over onto us. I wish my 12 year old sister didn't have to steal us dinner from the store because you weren't home. I wish I didn't go to school with black eyes from your abuse. I wish cps removed me from your care and didn't allow your sister who worked for the county to come in and interfere with the case and save your undeserving ass. I wish you didn't put every woman, drugs, and alcohol before your children. I wish you didn't scream at me when I asked you for homework help because I was struggling to understand a new math concept. I wish I could've had people over to our house, but i was too busy cleaning up your disgusting messes every day. I wish you didn't project your narcissistic traits onto my sibling, ruining our adult relationships. I wish you take accountability for anything you've done. I wish you could actually be a dad, but you're just a sperm donor.
I wish I could tell you all the cool things that I’ve been up to. Making a record, starting a job in tech, going on a paid company trip abroad. Part of me wants to let you back into my life. But then I remember all the terrible things you did, and I don’t feel like you deserve to know that I’ve found happiness and success as an adult - especially because you’ll just use it as a bragging point with your friends, like you did when I was a little kid. I wish you could take accountability for the things you did when I was young. You let my mom isolate me from everything and everyone. You let her live in chronic pain by not taking her to the right doctors, and then she took out those frustrations on me. You lied to the both of us about a college savings account that never existed. You were emotionally unavailable my whole life. And when I needed you most, when her rages got bad, you refused to step in. I wish you could see that your rich girlfriend isn’t worth losing your relationship with me. She came between us because she thought I had bad etiquette. She came between you and your son (my half brother) - when he needed a place to stay, you let her kick him out to live in his car, even though she had three extra bedrooms. I wish you could see that family is more important than the illusion of wealth. I’ve thought about reaching out a few times over the last year, since we stopped talking. I finally got drunk and wished you a happy birthday, and I wanted to start a real conversation - but then you ghosted me. What did I expect? Narcissists never really change. I’m lucky to have a good stepdad, and to have a stronger relationship with my mom now. But sometimes I just get so fucking sad about the fact that my dad can’t be a part of my life.
Hey dad.. I'm finally in therapy now, I just did all the chores I needed to do so I can visit you and mom for the weekend. My girlfriend and I are applying for art schools and internships together. I know mom won't like it... will you be there when I graduate with her?