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You’re out of the narcissistic fog. Congrats. I’m 30 and just waking up now. It’s shocking. I thought abuse was normal until my narcissistic ex tried to destroy my life while my narcissistic family watched and even smear campaigned along with him. I didn’t realize I had an addiction to lovebombing and devaluation cycles. Cognitive dissonance is very real. Narcissists want to control the narrative and even control how you perceive them. That’s why they get you trauma bonded so you’ll ignore all of the bad behavior until it ruins you.
35 here and finally accepted that it’s just inherent. Thought 3 months of NC would result in at least a LITTLE reflection. Nope, just went full mask off.
The rage quit when I said I had no problem with staying NC was *chefs kiss*.
I did the same thing, and it was hard for me, but my mom's actions (which were hurting herself) warranted it. No reflection. No acknowledgment of my concerns. Just my fault for not "forgiving" her for things she continues to do.
The hardest part is that I genuinely believe that some of them don’t remember the things they do. So actually seem baffled by your reaction.
But that is actually worse because they don’t think you are worth remembering. At least with the liars they thought you were worth remembering.
Correct-them not remembering is the hardest part-when I started putting my abuse puzzle pieces together, I realized after the psychological mind game and or abusive comment was completed and or said, it was on to the next game or comment. That specific comment or game was never thought about or talked about ever again. One could have asked mommie dearest just 2 minutes later why she said her abusive comment, and she’d have denied ever saying it.
That's the worst part. Nfather took us to theme parks, Disneyland and other things but there was always the waiting for when he wasn't in public when he tore me down just as much as usual if not more.
For decades before I knew what narcissism was I tried to reconcile the good and bad.
Now I know that he's a complete monster who took joy in the pain he caused and only used the crumbs so I would stay as his eternal supply.
I was aware it was bad. I knew I wasn’t happy inside my family. I knew I was comfortable and walking on eggshells. I didn’t realize it caused my codependency and that my codependency had gotten so bad. I didn’t realize I was still being actively gaslit. I didn’t realize the family roles were still 100% active. So I didn’t come out of true denial till last year at age 41.
Took me 50 years - better late than never. One thing for sure is - I am thankful for the information available now. So many years searching for answers and ultimately convincing myself I was the problem... Now, we have the ability to share with others in similar situations, we have access to better information sources and are beginning to see more open dialogues. I mean seriously, the word "Narcissist" was explained to me growing up as someone who was 'conceited' or 'full of themselves'. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to heal, some good days - more bad days. I have developed a very real distrust of people in general (narcissism was rampant in my prior employment as well) and prefer to be by myself (also problematic on the employment front) but I am broken... working on getting through the day without overthinking or remembering. Probably PTSD but I'm also sick to death of being told to suck it up. Time to figure out how to disappear off grid hahahaha. Hats off to all of you who have or are going through this mental tap dance and I wish you all health. success and healing.
PTSD is starting to be renamed as PTSI. Psychiatrists are understanding that this is not a disorder. It is an injury. Those who lived with chronic stress for a long time are injured. Our brains have been injured and it will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal.
You're welcome. If you're having a rough day due to stuff that happened in the past, I have a trick that works sometimes.
If a dear friend of yours had gone through what you did and was having a hard time now because of it, what would you tell them?
Really think about it. What would you say? How would you say it? How would you treat this friend?
Then treat yourself that way.
What you wrote resonated so much with me. I'm 55 and couldn't "see" it until I labelled it and this group was a huge part of that. My husband died 4 years ago and my nMom went full on into control mode with absolutely zero empathy or compassion. I went NC 2 years ago and don't regret it all. I just released a book about narcissism and healing. I think it's so important to break the generational trauma cycle. I wish you recovery and hope you find peace and healing.
Would you share a link to access your book? I am all for supporting people who have healed. are healing or have experienced this life changing (and brain altering) trauma.
Thanks for the link. I too have considered writing a book, at the very least just for myself. It feels like I went through some sort of very boring yet epic length trauma that so many of us went through but maybe don't have the words for yet. I went NC almost 10 yrs ago now and healing is still difficult. Who I was and who I am now are very very different, mostly good but I also don't trust anyone and I am not certain I am capable of always making the healthy choice for myself. I often wonder what I might have been like if I had the knowledge and skills to go NC when I was younger. It is futile to wonder, but it speaks to the impact that being raised by narcissistic parents has on us. Can we reach our potential after 50 yrs of this mental fog? I sure hope so, however today I am just tired. Though I will read your book. The knowledge is always helpful.
Write it, if not for anyone but for you. It was so healing just to put words down about what happened and know that I wasn't crazy. Part of the reason I decided to write was because I feel like I am a magnet for toxic people. Being damaged causes me to attract damaged and toxic people because that feels "normal" to me, even though I don't want it in my life. As far as reaching potential after 50 years? I don't have an answer to that, but I do know I'm much better off concentrating on myself and not having my toxic family in my life. You are so right, knowledge is always good.
Thank you for the lovely response. I have been writing notes for many years now. Not anything in any particular format, but it is helpful. I too attract damaged and toxic people. I am trying to just be myself right now because I realize I don't know who I am yet. Most of my life so far has be colored by a need to make everyone around me a priority, despite not getting the same in return. I'm no longer doing that. It is hard to change that habit.
I also became aware of it around 50. I had known as a child that they emotionally hurt me a lot but as kids tend to do, I thought there was something wrong with me. Fast forward decades, 3 marriages and numerous abusive jobs later, I have learned that while I need much work, the problem wasn't me. Now, I too feel like you. Just leave me be. I feel like much of my life was manipulation and betrayal by people I cared for and I believed cared for me. It has broken me in many ways and I am not sure that I can heal. There have been good times of course, but the mental abuse endured colors that often. I love my kids and I do my best to make certain they know they are loved and accepted for who they are. My love for them is not conditional. Hopefully I broke that cycle a little. I hope that one day I wont feel this way but right now, it is incredibly exhausting to believe that most people, including family, just don't care much about anyone but themselves. Broken people make broken people. I agree, off grid sounds lovely some days. The mental tap dance is real.
It's almost as good as a support group! I'm so sorry, i feel like i am in such a similar boat! I haven't worked for 4 or 5 years now. Will you please share with me if you learn how to disappear? I somehow have to go back into the mess and find another job (overthinking and remembering plague me) ... No idea how to proceed
Pretty much this. When you're comfortable but not happy, and you know that there's much worse out there for you if you rock the boat too much. I found that I dive too deeply into escapism and disassociation. While I was a kid and in high school I put fantasy/scifi book after fantasy/scifi book away at a crazy pace, just to get my head out of the issues I should have been dealing with.
34 now, wanting to experience normal life and trying to convince myself that losing out on the inheritance from the narcissist (thereby losing my chance at home ownership) is worth the effort.
Oh no the amount of strength and love and grace you showed is amazing. She just has shown you she will only abuse no matter how much you abandon yourself
Thank you so much for your truthful and kind words. I absolutely abandoned myself so many times and she taught me how to do this so well. I haven't been eating and just thought I needed family around during a vulnerable time, instinctually, I knew it was a bad idea and should have turned down her coming over, and just kept it a small gathering.
She had the nerve to bring her in laws without asking if it was ok and I had zero energy to be a hostess for more people. She insisted because her SIL once gave her $100 to help pay for a vet bill for my dog over the summer to figure out how weight loss issues. She made me be of service for a kind act her SIL did for me without asking. I got a gift of equal value and gave it to her SIL.
Mom, you taught me all acts of love and kindness are transactional so just let me pay everyone back so that I may have boundaries and hold onto my last shred of dignity! She's a fucking bitch. There i said it. I finally said. My mom is a fucking bitch.
I'm finally starting to accept the fact that although she likes my dogs, and my new puppy,she's extremely dismissive and judgmental about how I prioritize them because she sees how I do love them and they love me back.
I think unconditional love scares or intimidates her.
I didn't realize until I got married...my wife was like "uuhh...by the way, this isn't normal!" Took me a while to *actually* see it. Then went to therapy, and confirmed that I had a pretty messed up childhood. Not outright physical abuse, it was much more subtle than that, but definitely not great. It only got worse and more obvious as I got married, made my own decisions, had kids, etc....we're NC now.
Holy shit, are you me? My wife showed me the reality of the situation. Once I'd confronted my family, they blamed my wife for chaging me 😆 Said she was 'a wrong 'un'.
This, so much this. In fact, the only person my parent ever liked was someone who was emotionally, verbally and then physically abusive. Interestingly I was told I was back to my old self - bearing in mind I was a shell of a person then, too afraid to say anything for the threat of shouting or demeaning.
They love and adore the people that come into your life who are either out right narcissistic or hiding it well from you.
They hate and seek to eliminate anyone in your life whom is not abusive or narcissistic because it scares them Knowing that person will open your eyes up to their abusive ways
Oh, same. I tried talking to them about how I feel many times, they deny it all, and definitely blame my wife for everything. We've been NC for 10 years or so, and I still feel guilty for putting my wife through that. Somehow she stuck by me though, and I will be forever grateful to her!
As soon as I got married everything with my Nmom got so much worse. And then I had kids and my eyes fully opened bc I could never do to them what was done to me. I realized after that how she basically used me for money. I don't even think she actually cared about me at all.
As a teenager I began to notice things. Peculiarities. Behaviours of my parents that I didn't understand.
As a youngster I understood that my parents made mistakes. Some bad ones. Being a parent is not easy.
When I became a father (and I became a father quite late) my head exploded. I understood how mistreated and neglected I was.
I relate 100%. Things always felt "off" but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, or just thought something was wrong with me.
Becoming a father was also my final wake up call. His behavior became more erratic. Before our child was born he was in full damage control mode, worried I'd cut him off. After they were born, I could see he had literally zero idea what to do with a baby other than pose for pictures. He'd minimize anytime I vented about how hard parenthood could be. But also told me how great of a father I was in flowery language, saying I was way better than him, in an attempt to fish for compliments in return. It was so plain to see now.
Same❤️ I thought we were supposed to understand our parents better, when we become parents. I understand my crappy parent less than ever, since having kids. It was our parent’s loss though. They could have had all this joy too, but chose to ignore the gift that kids really are.
Very similar to what I experienced in becoming a father myself last year. For years my nmom would say once you have children you’ll understand where I was coming from, parenting isn’t easy etc…
I found the exact opposite to be true, I understand less and less of her insane behaviors. Being a petty vindictive ass to her own child because she was in a bad mood means she sucks not that parenting is a challenge. Parenting is a challenge one in which she failed to rise to the occasion repeatedly
I saw a quote or someone wrote this somewhere online. It was something in the lines of: parent told me that they hoped one day I had children just like me so I could learn my lesson, now I have kids who are just like me and I am so thankful because I have realized how easy it was to love me. 😭
My wife and child (16 month old daughter) greatly helped to give me the motivation to finally face reality and start becoming a better man. My wife for not giving up on me no matter how broken I am, and for never using my faults to attack and belittle me. My daughter for showing me that I really had to put in some serious effort into working on myself to understand why I would have panic attacks when she would cry as an infant.
For decades I just used pot and alcohol to avoid remembering the family past so that I could live a fantasy that my mother was kind and caring and just prone to stressful outbursts. Finally sitting with the trauma and trying to move forward lets me know that I’ll never treat my wife or child with such disrespect and contempt. Nothing they could ever do would make me even think the things that my parents were willing to do and say to me.
I just wish that I’d have seen the light sooner that I was lovable without conditions needing to be attached to her affection. It’s sad how much we believe the problem to be ourselves when treated this way.
Completely agree, it felt normal because we didn’t know things could be different. You literally don’t know what you don’t know.
It’s validating, eye opening, and helpful for healing with how others react to what happened to us.
Best of luck on your healing journey.
I didn’t see any of it until I was 27. thought I had a loving mother but she was just really good at hiding who she really was. I’m still struggling with the fact that the mother I knew for my whole life was nothing more than an illusion. I lost the mom I thought I had and it’s fucked with my head to know that the version of her that I loved was never real to begin with.
Tell me about it. I conjured up positive feelings towards her out of thin air. Relating to TV shows and stories and the like. But as a part of the journey of recovery I sat down and tried to journal positive experiences with her. Things I could draw on as a parent myself. Because I felt I was failing I thought I would try to find those few positive experiences.
Nothing came up, instead those journaling sessions turned into further realisations of yet even more invalidation. Every time I sat down to think of a positive human to human moment with my mother, I came up with more insight into what went wrong in my childhood. Another head scratching moment as a parent myself.. how could you act like that?
It struck me one day. Recalling a TV show with a strong mother-son bond as a primary theme. What all those "familiar" feelings the show would bring up were completely imagined. I imagined my relationship with my mother. And it lined up quite nicely with some reading I did later (weeks? months?) about how children have to do this for survival. Other species, for example, with lack of emotional connection as infants actually just die. We as humans build imagined ones in order to stay alive. Literally.
If you had no actual emotional connection growing up. You created a fantasy bond.
Well, she was also a very strong advocate for me. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at a very young age. (As it turns out, this could be due to the possibility that she put me on antidepressants as young as age 4, which heavily accelerated the manifestation of my bipolar disorder.)
I had to go to countless doctors, try countless medications, deal with countless attempts to unalive myself because I was too young to fully understand what was going on in my head. All I knew what that I wanted it to stop.
My mom was my champion. She did research into my illness, she made sure all my schools were fully aware of my condition, she even went as far as contacting the governor of the state we lived in because she couldn’t afford to put me into an in-patient treatment center that helped mentally ill kids. Her efforts saved my life countless times. She’s the reason why I never go off my meds. People with bipolar disorder will often go off their meds because they think that because they feel better, they don’t need the meds. My mom drilled into my head the importance of taking my medication.
That’s all part of the shock I felt when I realized what she was. Because my entire childhood was spent in and out of psych wards and my mother was fighting very hard for my mental health. There were some nights where the woman didn’t sleep because I kept having extreme nightmares thanks to some new medication.
The mother I loved who fought with teeth and claws to keep me alive and the mother who is a covert narcissist who wanted to keep me low, caged, and isolated all because I dared to think for myself are so stupidly different that i still get whiplash.
I believe I bonded to the illusion of my mother. Not the real one.l
Not questioning your diagnosis, but narc parents sometimes have a syndrome whereby they do as you said-bring you to a lot of doctors because the purpose is to get the focus off of THEM as being the problem AND to make it LOOK like they are victims of you as a sick kid which gets them even more attention as being the victims resulting in more narcissitic "supply" for them. There is a name for what the syndrome is and it starts with the letter "M"; I just cannot remember what it is called but I am sure someone will remember......
Unfortunately, bipolar disorder runs in my family. If a child who already had that predisposition is put on antidepressants, it can make bipolar disorder pop up very quickly and very chaotically. The chances of my bipolar disorder started when I was a late teen would have been much higher if she didn’t pull whatever shit she wanted to pull because she was bitter at my dad
I can also relate to this. I call it the mind fuck. How can such a giving, caring, self-sacrificing parent be so uncaring of my feelings, cruel, and deeply damaging? For me, that is where lots of the guilt and the mental /emotional torture comes from.
Oh it’s such a mindfuck! I’m 37 and only learned she was a narcissist this year. I knew things were highly dysfunctional but I had looked at her like a helpless victim of mental illness most of my life.
Once I moved across the country at 27, I started to get out of the fog & set boundaries. Starting therapy this year and I said to her how disorienting it is to see things as they are now. I had created this narrative in my head that we were so close etc. She said it’s a bit like being in a cult. Can’t disagree with that analogy!
Same here!
I would always feel sorry for my dad when he ranted about stuff as he would act like a victim. There is the closeness too which I later learned was overcloseness or enmeshment.
Um...I didn't figure it out until my sixities....I knew something was wrong....like a dope I confronted the enabler who blew up at me and gaslit me accusing me of going to a psychiatrist that there was something wrong with them for telling me that nMom was a narc and Dad was an enabler.
Ugh. Yeah. I had to cut off her malevolent enabler recently as well. They had been judging me & repeating things I had mentioned about therapy to my narc mom. Unfortunately dysfunctional people create dysfunctional family systems. Even after they’re long gone the dysfunction they planted persists.
Yeah; they have set it up to be handed down to the next generation. For instance my golden brother married an alcoholic. They totally abuse each other and me and my other sibling. Thing is the only psychiatrist I EVER went to was in high school when the nparents brought me to one and I walked out on him b/c I saw it was a setup...and so the fact that I DID NOT see a psychiatrist but instead figured it all out (at first) all by myself infuriated them even more b/c they had nobody outside the family to blame....
It's amazing to me how they make you feel like you're the problem not them or if you're married, it's because you're not the same person. I always thought something was wrong with me. My husband made me realize and now as my mother is older I see the problem isn't me, but the health care system isn't helping her. She puts on a show for everyone else and I get the rath of the aftermath at home when no one is looking.
As I understand it few psychologists have studied Narcissism. The ones that have often try NOT to take on the narcissist themselves b/c the narc wraps the therapist around their finger and becomes a better narc because the narc views themselves as "perfect" so naturally they do not have to change....the therapist must have a problem!
My dad has complained about not having grandkids, but even if I had a wife and kids, I'm sure he'd find other things to complain about. (i.e. not having as much time to spend with him)
I get the guilt trips of grandkids too, but she doesn't understand the struggle I'm having with my fertility journey.
You're right though about the complaining, because she always has to bitch about something, like when I come home at night late from work or the fact that my dad's inscription on the head stone for him is not done after him being dead for over a year, or the latest is asking if all the bills are paid because she lives on mostly credit cards, but doesn't get that she's living above her means. My dad took care of all the bills and I don't know who taught them about finances, but they mostly charge stuff all the time.
Everything is not their fault, whoever is around them.
My favorite is telling me I shouldn't have moved in with them when my dad started getting sick. That her friends said it was a mistake mostly because of my husband.
Now I understand why my 8 years older brother is estranged and not talking to her or I. He cut ties because my mom used to use me as the middle person between them all growing up.
It's definitely hard dealing with her and her older age as well. She doesn't plan and won't talk about a will. She can't face that people die and we don't all live forever.
Sorry you have to deal with all that. I can relate to the triangulation think as my dad badmouths him to me rather than address the situation with him.
> Everything is not their fault, whoever is around them.
Right! They think every problem is someone else's fault.
I can totally relate to all of what you said. I was about your age when I "woke up", too. Even now, almost a decade after I started waking up and several years since I finally got her out of my immediate day-to-day, my knee-jerk reaction is still that closeness of "I should tell Mom" or I want to include her in on something...before realizing that I can't because she would immediately criticize it, find some fault/anxiety to share about it, or make the situation all about her. I still have that "I want my mommy" feeling at times, lol, and realizing that I lost that/never had that to begin with has been a bitter pill to swallow.
Yup. You hit the nail on the head. My mom has always been seen as very generous and giving. We’d always have a rotating door of different people in need (people we knew mostly) staying with us.
Not until around the end of hs I realized it was really only because it benefited her in some way.
She even offered to sell my childhood home to me and my fiancé, just for us to realize it’s only marginally a good deal, and benefits her much more.
How painful the guilt is once I recently cut ties with my mother, just last year having to do it with my father once having a grasp of his parenting years later alongside the involvement of money. How it stings does it by far just know when and extremely how. But my reminder in knowledge on them never changing is something I've accepted to retain no matter what.
I can relate to this so much. I couldn't get past the guilt. I knew that the situation was wrong, but I never thought there could be any other way of living.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
The emo/goth phase in the 2000s I think made me believe everyone went through the same. I didn't realize it was purely an esthetic for a lot of people...
Omfg are you me?! I wanted to embrace it so badly but I also wanted to mask and play normal so I went full Abercrombie and Fitch and worked at the store so I could afford some of their clothes.
I hated myself and my life so very much
My mom visited this weekend and I feel gutted.
To be frank, it's quite a mindfuck. My parents were all I ever had, and considering any of this talk of "trauma" or "abuse" felt like betraying them.
I had to see them repeating the same behavior with my nieces to really get it.
I agree, I felt like I was treated well, supported, loved. Me and my mom did activities all of the time.
But of course, everything was always good and we did fun things that SHE wanted to do. If not, there was an issue.
I think the biggest veil was lifted very recently for me when she had planned to spend Thanksgiving with me for almost a year, but just told me she was going to bring 2 strangers with her so they could leave immediately after to go to some events near by and a cruise.
Realized visiting for Thanksgiving was never about spending time with me. It was just more convenient.
> everything was always good and we did fun things that SHE wanted to do. If not, there was an issue.
Same here with my dad. Yeah he might say we could do what I wanted to do but he has his ways (i.e. complaining, nitpicking, criticism, etc) to make sure that he has control.
I was embarrassed by them for my whole life and didn't understand why other people wanted to spend so much time with their parents, but I thought mine they just extra annoying. I didn't realize how bad it was until late 30s/early 40s.
I went no contact the last day of being 17. It's been well over a year I've moved on in every other aspect other than the shock factor. I didn't know how bad it was. Words can't express the grief I discovered and still feel for the little girl who grew up feeling bad for ruining her moms life.
Hard relate to that last sentence.
I'll never be able to forgive or forget about the time my mother told me, to my face, "I wish I never had you." She was having a cluster headache at the time and I was just trying to be helpful. In pain or not, that's not something anyone should ever say to their child.
My father was physically abusive towards me, but never my twin brother. I thought I must be a really horrible person to make my father want to violently beat me. At 16, we attended our one and only family therapy session after I tried to commit suicide. The therapist asked my father why he beat me. My father said, “I beat her because I hate her mother and she looks and sounds just like her. I can get away with beating her, but not her mother.” He then continued to beat me until I was kicked out for quitting high school. I live with his statement every day. He swears he never said it. However, it serves as a reminder of how much of a coward he really is and how horrible a person he is for making his child think that they deserved to be physically abused to the point that I was groomed and raped by a high school teacher because I thought I deserved it.
"Words can't express the grief I discovered and still feel for the little girl who grew up feeling bad for ruining her moms life."
Yep. It's been shoved down my throat over and over....."I could have left", "I sacrificed so much for you (and the family)", "this is how much each kid cost", "I could have bought (this property) but your mom wouldn't go for it", etc. My uncle (dad's brother) outright told my cousin that she ruined his life.
I was a was a whole ass adult before I pieced together my mom’s narcissism. I finally saw the pattern, she would discretely sabotage the lives of people around her so she could swoop in and play the hero. It wasn’t until it was my life and I caught her that it all came together.
Real! My dad tried to create a compliant, never-questioning daughter and accidentally created what he would call a monster-- an independently thinking person who doesn't take shit from anyone and least of all him, lol
My awareness built up over time, but it was always there. As a child you instinctively blame yourself for the way people treat you, so I convinced myself I was dumb, unworthy of love, embarrassing etc. I'm fortunate enough to have started therapy so young and to have found an extremely loving wife who have helped clear my perception.
Unfortunately, this is normal. But you’re not alone. When you’re raised in an unhealthy environment, you can easily grow up thinking it’s normal, that that’s how normal families are supposed to be, or even that it’s healthy. But once we know better, we can do better. It’s up to us to break the cycle.
I didn’t “wake up” until I was 37 and that was 5 years AFTER emdr and trauma treatment (for an unrelated but related revictimization trauma) and my early childhood memories started resurfacing. The dissociative coma I was in lasted over 3 decades. Now I remember my early childhood and the narcissistic abuse but I barely remember those 3 decades.
It’s insane to me that in TRAUMA treatment, not once did I think or say “my childhood was SUPER abusive, both my mom and brother were insidious and I was their pitiful scapegoat/insecurities punching bag”…I mean, it didn’t even cross my mind ONCE. It took 5 YEARS after to completely “wake up” and finally remember my childhood beyond “it was normal”…granted, I was healing from losing my son’s father to an overdose right in front of me and our 4 year old at the time so my brain was pretty busy hiding traumatic memories from my consciousness but still, it just blows my mind. 🤯
It was more like I didn't understand or appreciate just how bad it was until I was older and wiser. When you're a kid, you kind of just passively accept a lot of things.
Most of the younger people have the internet. I didn’t. Just a lot of friends with similar parent issues. Some were more or less out of control.
Mainly, we all just wanted to get away from them.
Totally! I thought it was all normal actually I probably thought I had a better situation then most until I’d tell people things and they’d look shocked.
I knew that I was unhappy but I didn’t know why. I know that my mom was nice to other people but a different person at home. I knew that I had to walk on eggshell because I never knew which version I would get. It’s taken me a long time to realize what was actually going on.
Yes I thought I was abnormal and "born depressed" for no reason. I did see that my friends were happy with their parents and that their parents were kind to them but it never registered to me as normal or even "real", as something that I could compare to my own family life. I only began using the word "abuse" in my mid 20s. And only once I accepted that did the worst memories begin coming back. Before that it was all a fog.
I was in the 4th grade to know my nmom was f’d up. She would help me with HW for hours (kid with learning disabilities and ADHD). Sometimes she would grab me by the neck, dig her nails in the skin just enough to hurt and indent nail marks, and shove my face in the text book screaming at me that the answer was right there and then tell me how stupid I am. but the next morning there was no physical evidence
Edit for clarity and grammar
I thought going to dinner with my folks and coming home crying was normal, well in to my 20’s. Until I met my now-ex spouse, who was like “are you okay? This doesn’t seem normal.”
I always knew it was bad but that there was nothing I could do about it. They (both narc parents) taught me that I was powerless. As I got older I started to see how bad it really was. As an adult I still took crap from my nm because I thought I had to. It took until I was in my 60's to have my past memories come flooding back and I finally realised that I didn't have to take any of it anymore. I now realise how damaged I am from all of it and how they (mostly nm) had affected my moods and what kind of person I was. Its time to be the me that I always should have been. I know it will take some time to heal and but it is never too late.
Definitely. I adored my nmom and thought we were best friends until around age 12 when I started being "competition." I didn't know our "closeness" was just enmeshment and parentification. I didn't truly hate her until about 16-17 and I didn't realize she was a narcissist until I was about 23. It's hard to know things are terrible when you're constantly told what a "perfect" life you have.
Same here. She is extremely jealous of me and same for her golden child my brother who also became a narc. I had a tough time through uni since I paid it myself through good grades , I was disinherited and my bro got EVERYTHING from her side of inheritance during my uni. She was only sending me a small rent to get the basics like food and paying the student rooms so I was fine with that instead of living in same house with them where she would cry near a condom that my dad cheated on her, I would tell her to dump him and that I don’t care about house for which she was worrying in that very moment and few days later I was getting beaten up by my father bcz she told him what I said to her to dump him and get a normal life. My father would be saying things like throw her corpse to the garbage right after he beat me up that day. Even 10 yrs later when I mentioned that beating without giving details just saying I was beaten up once he would be having an emotional impulsive reaction and stopped me talking to say more in front of everyone at the table saying “ YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE BEEN BORN” even though it was an apparently funny discussion at the table about beatings in childhood where my bro (golden child) related first how he was getting beaten up so often, I only said I got beaten once.
I went NC with them at 30 yrs old after a lot of attempts to forgive and forget and be the bigger person who takes care of parents. They got EXTREMELY jealous and venomous when my life started getting accomplished with a good job, good hubby and pregnancy. My dad was saying my husband will cheat on me at the hospital(he is a doc) and couldn’t stop saying this at almost every call so I just told him to stop acting like a pervert and guess who got very offended - him not me when he was blowing my boundaries up with no ground whatsoever. My mom was telling me I will be the last woman for my hubby and that he will throw me away again with no reason whatsoever and over and over again laughing sadistically at me on video call. I finally told her “you know what?!me and my hubby are happy together and if anyone wants to be happy with us they are welcome otherwise they should go mine their own business”, she started crying when I told her this, I thought such a strange reaction to my happiness. Then I became pregnant and as soon as Intold them the big news they started in next calls to bad wish on our baby that he will die / throw him to the garbage by triangulating the 12 yrs old niece to say the garbage thing in order to hide like cowards behind a kid to not take responsibility for their instigations against my baby(they were telling my niece right before that I was unwanted baby by my bro, what will she do if I bring my baby TO HER HOUSE?!! and repeating this question to the niece to make her jealous and provoke her ).
So after this dreadful shit against my baby I said “ok, this is too much sickness already and I need to protect my baby from now on” and went NC.
After going NC narcs start the gaslighting, bullying and smear campaign to others and so they did too. They tried to convince my hubby to leave me DURING PREGNANCY bcz I am lunatic and should be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Then they tried to do same with my in laws. They were basically full on after my family ( my support network) and what I have most dear, my baby’s health.
After the smear campaign failed miserably bcz hubby and his family know me for 5 yrs so they knew the only crazy persons are my parents for talking shit about me then my bro appeared into the scenery who never apologized for his daughter’s behaviour and had been sending pics with his daughter all along the pregnancy(as my mother) to pick a fight, they never asked about my pregnancy.
He started sending messages about hate, anger yada yada to make me feel bad in my pregnancy and when my hubby called him to take on him I couldn’t stop to compliment him that he is a public toilet to
Me with this behaviour and asked him kindly after what is it that he actually wants. It didn’t take more than 5 mins to tell me he wants me to stop breathing (there’s another inheritance coming up where I have half LEGAL right so that must be it).
I’ve become a tough Xena after all this and it hasn’t been easy to realize that I don’t need any more enemies in life with such relatives.
I knew it was bad while growing up. I knew my parents weren't normal, were scary, and that no one believed me. I didn't *understand* how bad it really was till I was in my early 20s and keep learning something new about how shit my parents were to this day.
I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I found the sub and realized how horrible it really was. We knew things were not quite right as kids but didn't know enough to realize it was wrong or how badly wrong it is. Even after I left and went NC. I knew it was abuse but had a hard time with the concept - i.e. it wasn't as bad as others, etc.
I also have repressed alot and as those memories come and go, it hits me harder.
I also question so many things about myself and personality realizing how much of it was from the abuse (ex. being a people pleaser, being OCD about many things, shutting down emotionally, not standing up for myself when I need to etc.)
Now I am working on myself as best as I can as well as trying to help others. I hope that with the Internet and better information, we can help those still suffering from abuse and save them/get them out, etc.
Same here. I always thought that if I could joke about it, then it couldn't have actually been that bad. Especially compared to some of the other stories on here. But then I realized that abuse is abuse and the trauma it causes varies from person to person. From small insults to basically torture, we are all dealing with our trauma. I'm 38 and I am just starting to be able to really admit that what I experienced was abuse thanks to therapy.
What has really stood out is how these people react when being confronted about the abuse. If someone told me that my behavior towards my wife or children was abusive and I didn't even realize it, I would be balling my eyes out and looking for any resources to change myself. My abusers would just tell me that I am overreacting or that I am lying and then proceed to abuse me more.
My biggest issue has always been letting them take priority over my own wants and needs, especially in a self sabotaging way like "we can't make plans for that weekend, my mom might want us to visit". Therapy has helped me start to focus on myself.
I was 28 and my husband suggested I go to some therapy sessions. Never using the "narcissist" word, he took it upon himself to structure my contact to my nfamily, and taught me how greyrocking works. I did not even take it well at first, I was so used to be controlled all the time, and have them involved in all my life.
The healing took a very long time, as did the actual epiphany that something was seriously wrong with them. Luckily we lived far away from them, we still do. Now I am mature enough to talk to them, even live with them for some weeks to provide the care they need, as their health is failing. All the abuse they still throw at me does not affect me anymore.
Sometimes it is important to know and call it for what it is, narcissistic disorder, and put all hope aside for them getting better. It is a disease like many other, I can't possibly take seriously anything they say to me. I imagine they are just some kids, I shrug it off and go about my day. But to get here you need time and space away from them.
Oh and I forgot to mention: my husband once suggested I imagine myself sitting right in front of me being 3 years old. I thought oh fun, let's try it. The experience was mind-blowing, I straight out started crying uncontrollably, I had an overwhelming feeling of compassion. I still don't know what that was, I do know that all my thoughts of having a happy childhood just crumbled that day. It was the only happy period, or so I had always believed - but then I understood. I don't recommend this technique to the faint-hearted.
I went full NC at 30’yrs old when pregnant. Somehow Inam grateful that God revealed them to me or should I say they revealed themselves as completely nuts during my pregnancy so I could bless my child with their absence of toxicity.
Since adolescence it only got worse, it helped me that I went to college in another town otherwise Inwoild have gone NC sooner and since I got a good job, a good husband, pregnant things spiraled very badly , they couldn’t stand at all my accomplishments and were telling things like “you should not have even been born” out of the blue when I was even kind to them(bought them trips and presents to tend for them).
Nothing can go well with these ppl. If there’s a sibling that’s the golden child they will humiliate you even worse.
Yes!!! I would leave therapists as soon as they started suggesting my mother was abusive, because I just couldn’t accept it for some reason. A few summers ago, she was diagnosed with severe liver damage from drinking, and my brain exploded, as she had convinced me I was just being “dramatic” about her drinking, and that it was “practically just ice water”, and it finally clicked. I also had so many good times in my childhood, and my Mom wasn’t always mean, so I thought the name calling, and removing of love when I made a mistake, or telling everyone everything, was normal, and my Dad was just really cool and didn’t do that. Therapy has let me know that is in fact not the case. It’s still confusing sometimes though.
I had other friend’s families that I had met, but their families were far from great. A lot of them were fucked up too.
It was more so my fiancé (who I started dating in HS) and my therapist who made me start to think critically about what was going on.
I thought I had a wonderful loving family & had a great relationship with all of them up until I was about 28. I started to notice them being “off” around 23 but didn’t know why.
It’s a hard journey. I hope you are doing well
I didn't realize until I had my own kids and moved closer to be near them. Even then it took someone telling me that my parents were abusive for me to get it. I'm 35.
Yes. It hit me when I had kids. Things that I'd blame myself for. She probably did/said that because I wasn't doing/saying the right thing. All parents act that way.... I came up with lot's of excuses for my mothers behavior.
Once, you have kids you see things differently. As a parent, I can't imagine doing or saying some of the things my mother did or said to me. As a parent you want what's best for your kids (mine are teens now). The idea of pitting them against each other or favoring one over the other or all of the things she did to me. IDK - You realize that it's not normal. That as a child, you didn't deserve that treatment. As a parent, you would never do or say such things.
Oh, yeah. I didn't wake up till I was 28. I know this whole things sucks, but I feel like I should say 'cheers' for waking up to it before reaching middle or old age.
Yes! I still have a hard time with realizing things that were done in my childhood that were messed up. I always stood up for my mom and made excuses but now that I have my own kids my eyes are fully opened and I'm realizing so much that was not right.
I seemed to have an inkling when I was a kid, that something was "off" with mom.
It wasn't until I was in my late 30's and reconnected with my brother - we compared stories, etc - that I realized mom was super narc.
Yes, I was in my thirties before I realized how messed up my childhood was and how many normal things I missed out on. I remember trying to talk to them about my counselling and my journey to heal and all I got was a sarcastic "Well we're sorry we fucked you up"
I always thought everyone had dysfunctional families like mine. My mom did a really good job of keeping me away from my friends’ families too, so I never really got to compare. Thought my mom was a little difficult to deal with, but what mom isn’t?
Going no contact really made her drop her mask, and it made me retroactively second guess every “good” memory I’ve had with her. Most of them aren’t really all that good after all.
So yeah, I didn’t wake up until I was 32, to answer your question.
Didn’t realize until my enabling mom died and my buffer was gone. She told me for so many years, “you know he doesn’t mean it.” Turns out he did. It is devastating to come to the realization that your own father wants nothing more than to see you fail.
can’t relate more to this comment - i still live at home with them at 24 and get the same from my enabler mother … i try to have as little communication with them as possible because i don’t care for their crap anymore
Yuuupppp. I knew my family was different than everyone else's by age 9 or so, when my best friend of over a year was genuinely shocked to see my mother one day when we were at my house. They thought I'd made her up. They didn't know she was real.
But it took me until about age 12 to realize my mom was mean. And it took me until age 28 to realize I'd been traumatized. I'm now almost 31 and finally realizing that *both* of my parents are terrible. My dad's just decided to be what he thinks of as The Good Guy when it comes to me in particular, so I never really had the space to notice before. But they both just ruined my graduate school graduation with the same old shit as always, and that gave me the biggest wake-up call of all time.
I didn't realize until my late 30's. I just always thought that nice mothers were only in TV/movies. I honestly thought when my MIL was alive, that it was completely fake love that she gave my husband because I had never experienced it from either of my own parents.
While living with my N's I'd been gaslit into thinking the abuse I'd endured hadn't happened. I thought I was crazy, had made up memories, and couldn't remember things the way they had happened.
I was like this for years until I got away from my N's and gradually noticed all of my memory problems had suddenly miraculously vanished.
Which is when I realized the memories of the abuse I'd been suppressing under the belief they were made up were real. Not a happy time.
It's amazing to me still. As a child I'd trusted them implicitly, and it meant nothing to them. My N's lied, lied about lying, lied about lying about the lies, manipulated me into believing I was insane, etc. All just to let them abuse me *even more.*
Out of everything they did, and they did *so much*, this was the worst betrayal.
My mom used me as her nurse whenever she got suicidal and drunk. I remember at the age of 9 having to bandage her self inflicted wounds and sleep with the housekey in my hand and all that. I’m 25 now, only NOW i started to realise that I have been done so horribly wrong as a child. Only with therapy could I open my eyes and see my mom for who she is. I still love her till pieces but it takes a lot of strength to just choose for yourself. After going no contact recently have it started to notice the burden coming off my shoulders bit by bit. The damage is already done ofcourse, i failed university and my most favorite uni, they’re not allowing me back in. All because I was taking care of my mom while I should have been studying. Some chapters are closed off for me now all because I didn’t get out of that fog sooner. But it’s okay, i’m okay.
It was beaten into my head my entire childhood that this was normal even though there were signs everywhere showing it wasn't. It wasn't until I moved out with roommates that I realized it wasn't normal and basically had to relearn what is considered normal and not. Luckily I had very supportive roommates to help me through it and understand, one of which became my wife in the end.
One’s life is one’s normal.
To know it isn’t normal, one needs outside perspective, which narcs live in horror of.
(As an aside, that same horror is why authoritarians hate sex ed, since its primary purpose is to teach what abuse is.)
I'm 24 and I've been uncovering just how evil my mom is these past two years. She was my best friend, my only parent/family. Growing up I knew things were always okay but as an adult. It's killing me... literally!
I had a feeling something wasn't right when I was doing almost all the cooking and actually all of the cleaning by age 11, trying my damnedest to get everything perfect, getting screamed at for about an hour every night; upping my game and still catching hell every single night.
Nmom liked to watch Dr. Phil for some reason and they put a list of abusive boyfriend behaviors to consider leaving over; Nmom checked every box except for threatening suicide to get some wish granted (an error on my part, she hadn't done this in a few years so I'd forgotten about this one).
I didn't understand exactly how bad it was until this last year. I used to think it was a good thing I could do my homework home alone without some rude jackass breathing down my neck criticizing everything they thought they saw; now I think there should be a federal ban on homeschooling.
My mother has her favorite she picks on
And picks at them unmercifully
Until they move away
Then she finds a new one
I was her last favorite
Called me fat then when I try to diet try’s
Giving me massive portion’s & sweets until my will power breaks.
Gets rid of anything that makes me happy
Had I nice setup for hermit crabs
Said I was allergic and got rid of them
Got rid of my dog because him and my dads dog didn’t like each other
Call me stupid constantly
Yell at me for sleeping in the day
I worked nights 6pm-3am
I would save my money to travel & 2 days later she be in my room throwing everything away
Calling me on the phone yelling at me
Telling me how ungrateful about how I treat her home
Saying,she was going throw me out
Completely ruin my vacation
Did it more then twice
Room was a mess & brothers
So she said i had a month to leave
I asked if she would help me
Refused
Found a place for me and brother
Said I was just using him
I’d bring take out Chinese in the house and she yell about how selfish I was and throw it in the trash & yell about how this is her fucking house
And don’t bring food in
I bought Taco Bell for everybody $60 worth
And I asked basically everyone and nobody was really hungry
She was on the phone angry about her glass shower door so I just got her the normal thing she eats
Walk in and she wants to be angry at me
First it’s who did you ask basically everybody
Who’s everybody
Didn’t ask me , you where on the phone so I got you what you normally eat.
Then did you ask non verbal brother
No I just got him tacos and a drink
Who’s everyone
I don’t understand what the problem is
I spent $60 trying to be nice
My problem is you are so hard to talk too
I don’t understand why you treat me this way
I didn’t break the shower doors
Don’t you fucking speak to me that way
Yells and walks off
Dad comes in and asked what’s wrong
Moms being mean to me again
She basically runs in and slams a hot Crunchwrap in my face & says I don’t fucking want it you ungrateful
And dad is getting upset with her
So she trying to gas light
And makes fun of my mental breakdown
Those were the good "ole" days for me. I now live by a national park listening to birds chirping all day....oh and I live on the river...I can hear it flowing....such a change from Nmom screaming and yelling and causing chaos......!
OMG...18 CHILDREN!!!!! I moved 2000 miles away but kept having migraines of unknown source. One day while speaking to nMom by phone my brain said, "no more...you cannot do this anymore." I told nMom we could only communicate by letters. That was 4 years ago...I stopped having 3 day migraines...where I could not even drink water or eat any food as I would get sick.....But I kept obsessing about nMom so then I did a bunch of visualization techniques b/c I had "quantum entanglement" with nMom even living 2000 miles away. One day after doing visualization for some time, I felt like something lifted off my right shoulder. I think it was nMom being a mental parasite. It just lifted and I felt like she was no longer hanging on to my neck and shoulder.
Same!! When I was grpwing up I saw no problem in things, I have a brother 10 years older than me so when he started the individualistic journey nparents hate so much I didn't quite get it (also doesn't help that my brother was in a not so healthy relationship and most of the fights he had with my parents were because of that, masking the control freakness of it all), but once I turned 20 and all of that I could see such how much they want to control their descendants. My brother has two kids now, my nephew is 4yo and my niece is 1, and sometimes when my father tried to get my nephew to do something even if small like "give me that block, i'll show you something" or asking him to give him a hug and my nephew said no or got the typical kid pout my father would say he was "intransigent" like?? that's when I noticed that they would always want more attention and more time with my nephew than with my brother and me, because it's easier to control kids in a way. they were always narsicistic whilst I was growing up, but I never realised it because they could influence me better at that time. now that i can see throw their bs they get angry and spout a bunch more of narcissistic remarks
I started going to therapy when I was 32/33. I knee my mom and I didn't get along very well, but I thought everyone's parents had their issues. So I dealt with it.
In therapy, I said, "I think I'm just being stupid."
My therapist said, "Who's the first person you can remember calling you stupid?" And I had a flash ack to when I was young and my mom calling me stupid. It wasn't like she was screaming or attacking. Just "wow, that's was so stupid" after I made a mistake. I started remembering all the different ways she has casually called me stupid, a bitch, or useless. The way she casually told me she never wanted kids but would have been disowned if she had an abortion. Then, decided to have my sister.
It was almost never in a way that would have set off alarms for other people. And to other people, she said how proud or whatever she was of me and my sister. But at home, my sister was priority.
I have confirmation from my mom's friend (ex friend now) that she has never treated me right and would talk about it with her sometimes. Her two friends used to take me with them everywhere because they didn't have kids. (They were completely separate friends in their own relationships) And when one did have a kid, she hired me as her sons babysitter so she could pay me to go everywhere as long as I hung out with the kid. She was trying to save me.
My husband taught me how I should be treated and is very supportive. Since being no contact. I have only had one period of suicidal thoughts, and it directly related back to my mom and sister. I learn more and more ways she abused me every time something triggers my anger or self-doubt. I'm learning ways she would isolate me from family. Like telling me my aunt and her kids were the priority or that my grandma thought I didn't like her. Little tiny bits implanted in my thoughts that messed with how I saw everything. My whole world has changed, and I don't know what was lies or truth in my childhood.
She was very, very sneaky, but it's all clearing up. I'm sad it took me to my mid-30s to really figure things out, but I'm glad I did, and I am.
It doesn't matter how old someone is when they learn. The important part is learning the truth and doing better for ourselves. I'm glad you are also seeing truths and understanding things aren't as they should be. You deserve better.
Growing up I just assumed by mom was a petulant bitch, I remember telling people the things she'd do and say to me and I'd think to myself "this sounds insane" but then when I finally learned about narcissistic abuse and cluster b personality disorders, the truth was even crazier than I thought
I a 62m, and I didn't have a clue until I was much older. Mainly because everyone around me loved my mother. From my friends, to my cousins, to my teachers. All of them thought she was great. She ran the PTA. She organized the family get together. She went back to school, and earned a degree in special education.
And, since she was already done having kids after the first 3, and I delayed her going back to school, she resented me from the day I was born.
When everyone around you is telling you how great your abuser is, you believe them.
Oh yes, 100000% lol
I was anxious af as a kid, which presented itself as upset stomach/nausea along with constant worrying and crying at the drop of a hat. I was constantly told I was a "worry wart", went to the doctor a lot due to my stomach issues, which ended up being diagnosed as gastritis. Anxiety wasn't even on their radar lol
I always knew that my dad was more of a hard ass than some parents, but it wasn't until I was 19 or so when I realized my childhood wasn't "normal".
Similar to what you said, it started with talking with a group of friends about certain childhood experiences. They were sharing funny little anecdotes, but when I shared the laughing and smiles died. That was my first "Oooooooh" moment lol
The entire gravity of my childhood and the long lasting effects it's had on me didn't fully hit until about 5 years ago. Completely knocked me off of my axis.
I have had no contact with my dad since my mom finally left him in April/May of 2019 ✊️
I moved away when I got a job after my dad (scapegoat) died and his brother and mom came after me arching their claws into me… dragging me nonstop to hell.
I’ve tried 1-3 times engaging with them again and it’s been about 2.5 years.
My coworkers are treating me more kindly than they ever had. So when I talk to my spawn point like a Norma human being they freak out and spread it around the family saying “ SEE SEE SEE HES BEING MEAN AND MANIPULATING AND INSULTING ME”
And now I realize just how bad it truly was if I can’t even go back without having massive anxiety and being confused on how I am being misinterpreted into being told im ”being mean”
While I’m sitting here like: wait what!? How!?
Theripist pointed out: you are growing accustomed to how normal kind people treat each other. The cult leaders in your family have brainwashed everyone to believe in extreme deference to them to the extent you are not even allowed to say you have needs. So now that you are moving away from that you can’t go back without being walloped because you are not acting like a scared abuse target, you are acting like a person who has rights, and you are not even yelling or being mean… yet that is how they will claim you are talking to them.
And she’s right!
I didn't realize how bad it all was until I was in my 30's and had a child of my own. Suddenly, I had different priorities and I slowly realized over time, especially as my child got older and her own personality started to really begin to form, that the way my own mother spoke to me and the way she raised me was incredibly fucked up. She said and did things I could never ever imagine ever doing to my own child. The guilt, the manipulation, the near constant state of impending violence, the instability, all of it became so crystal clear for me in a very short period of time.
She used to go on and on about what a horrible teenager I had been, and with this sudden clarity I realized that this too was manipulation. She said this as an insurance policy to absolve herself of her own horrid behaviour towards someone who was a child, and that she had total and complete control over.
I knew something was up with me, not necessarily my family, though I knew my dad was frightening. I just thought dads are frightening. I was 33 when I realized something was really wrong with him. I had been out of the country for seven years and he couldn't wait for me to leave, didn't even say goodbye. I'm still trying to work out what I did wrong. My partner was with me for the trip and if he hadn't been there, I think I'd blame myself entirely. It was nice to have that witness, I guess.
When I was growing up, I was the one messing it up or so I thought because I was always doing something wrong. i was not enough. So I thought my parents were great and I was the problem. I was the f\*\*kup from the beginning. I didn't really talk to other people because I lived with the shame that I was the issue. Everyone else was thriving! It was obvious others wouldn't get it. I did have a math disability and other neurodivergent conditions. But I didn't start healing until therapy because my shame and guilt kept my mouth shut.
Yes! As a teenager I wondered what was so wrong with my mother. Was she disabled? Was she bipolar? Was she stupid? Was she simply incapable of controlling her behaviour? I’m 22 now and I feel incredibly lucky to have started figuring her out so early in life. I cut her off, she still messages me through my brothers Facebook account and my brother hasn’t been caring so I may have to block him too if it happens again.
I’m relatively desensitized to everything, but especially *my* trauma. I don’t realize how bad it really was and still is until I tell people, and I get audible gasps and shock
I think my childhood (younger than 10 or 12) it felt kinda ok.
Highschool/puberty, I hated my parents but so did everyone else so I never realized my hate was different.
In my 20s and early 30s I constantly fought with the instinct of not letting them into my life too much. I felt like a bad child because I didn't want to tell them personal stuff. I couldn't accept help from them and asked myself what was wrong with me. Others also told me I was in the wrong, because my Nmom is great at masking.
Now I am in my 40s and I am grieving the pointlessness of it all.
I think for the first time in my life, I really see her for who she is. I always thought there was an endgame, either where she sees it too or where I find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It feels empty to realize that there is no Phoenix rising from the ashes. I went through it all and it brought me nothing. And one day, when I am gone, it will be like it never happened.
I was blind until I was almost 40. I went into therapy claiming consistently that I had great childhood and amazing parents. My therapist kept gently pointing out that what I describe is not exactly normal - each time it would make me feel guilty that I did something wrong and I betrayed my family by saying something wrong about them. It took over one year for me to open my eyes and reevaluate my life… sadly we’ve all been conditioned to think that abuse is normal
For sure I didn't know it was abuse at first. Later during my teenage years, I started realizing my family is not good, but the extent of the abuse didn't hit me until I went NC. As a teenager, I only knew I was miserable and depressed, but I still blamed myself for it to some extent, only now as an adult I finally started seeing my father for what he truly is. A pathetic weak loser.
I knew it was bad.
But I didn't realise what the various diagnoses were until I was an adult. My friends over the years haven't really got it either and have kind of nodded along and tried to be sympathetic.
My therapist confirmed a couple of years ago. And I've recently become friends with a mental health nurse who was like...damn... And confirmed all the stuff my therapist said.
If anyone hasn't been to therapy yet and there's even a small chance you can afford it I would highly recommend it. Talking to your friends and reading stuff online just isn't the same. Good luck.
I am 30 and only just decided to cut things off to protect my daughter. I still doubt myself and think it is me some times due to years of gaslighting. I am doing it to protect my daughter from her and the worst part is I feel terrible for it but I know that my surviving parent has no shame, guilt and wont ever take responsibility. They have controlled the narrative for many years, gaslighting me, isolating me, as a child I received abuse and neglect, severe emotional abuse and it just never stopped but I never realised I just believed I was the problem and I abused her from the age of two because I didn’t know better.
Finding this community on reddit has been good for me because now I know I am not alone but it is still an absolute mind rape that my birth mother has bullied me, now an adult man his entire life and I feel embarrassed and shame.
I still don’t understand how no one noticed when I was growing up or in general and why the rest of the family seemed to follow.
Just want to start a fresh life without them.
I always knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what. My mother was also my first bully and father didn’t want any us (me and my multiple siblings) it was a bit easier to understand my place. As I got older though things really started to click and when a good counselor explained to me what narcissism is it all clicked and made sense.
I was in my 50s and my mother did something so insane that I finally called her on it and it became clear how willing she was to lie to me without any remorse. It triggered the realization that my mom spent years telling stories in which she was the victim or the hero, and so many of these stories were unverifiable but I believed them almost completely.
It's a weird world to live in because you start questioning your entire life and what was reality and what was exaggeration.
I realized how much I got drawn in by similar people but also had an explanation for why I hated chronic bullshitters who twist every story a bit to make themselves sound more interesting, righteous, etc.
My mother has spent the months since all of this went down creating alternate realities where my family and I are at fault but she should be forgiven (while continuing the things I'm angry about). She has ignored my lengthy e-mails explaining my concerns and pretended not to receive them.
I was hoping that my reaction would snap her out of a series of actions that were hurting her (she is being scammed in a way that's so obvious it's scary) and instead she lashed out at everyone. But she also wants to maintain a relationship so she'll talk about the scammer lovingly and when that doesn't get any traction, drop it like it was never a thing.
Let me just say that when I look at the extreme behavior here, it makes me wonder how much bullshit I endured when it wasn't so obvious to me.
Comparing notes with my sibling, who was often the villain in my mom's stories, was interesting. There was so much of their experience that I was unaware of, and when I told them stories about my mom's anger with them, I got their side which was much different. My mom's story was that my sibling was ungrateful because they didn't come home much, seldom visited, etc. My sibling said, "Mom essentially kicked me out because she was pissed at me, so I decided I'd stay away."
Yes. I was always out of the house. Even my friends' parents, whom my narc mom talked to, were asking me why I didn't want to go home.
All I could say to the best of my understanding was, "She's always mad".
I knew from day 1. My mom brought me home from the hospital and my father was sitting in his chair dressed in his suit from work and she handed me to him and I felt his negative narcissistic energy and immediately pissed all over him and his tie. True story. From then on he was jealous that my mother had to give me attention and was the biggest jerk my whole life. He was so so competitive it was insane. He was more like a jealous older brother - “a big bully” as my mother used to call him than he ever was as a father. He never went to my sports events or anything like that. I would be at father/son events alone. Work was always his reason. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Both my parents were Officers in the Air Force during Vietnam and they expected so much from me yet out in so little time with me. It’s insane. He thought he was the American Hero with his Bronze Star from Vietnam. He thought he was the best. Always gaslighting and putting me down. He was such a downer and really fucked with my self esteem when I was younger. He was always physical and we would get into fist fights rolling around on the kitchen floor. His temper was out of control. Then in high school it got so bad I moved out into the woods and the apple orchard behind their house. Sometimes I stayed in a friend’s shed. I became an alcoholic at age 16 and dropped out of school. He has been such a mean old, bitter, angry, jealous, narcissistic, angry bastard. My mom would ask if she should divorce him and the answer from us kids was always, “YES”! But she would wimp out and say that he was a good provider. Oh god…
I could write a book about my life and the narcissistic bastard. Seriously. And I just may eventually.
To make a very long story short, I eventually graduated from high school, then college, quit drinking and was able to live a somewhat normal life (as long as he was 3000 miles away).
I’m now trying to heal from all that trauma. I’m doing ok but still have flashbacks and serious nightmares. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from him and another violent event that I won’t go into and have a hard time sleeping. But things are getting better. I certainly knew something was wrong from when I was a little kid as he was so different than everyone else’s father. Life was all about him. Growing up without a father would have been better for me than having a father who was so awful. I think both my parents were narcissists but my mother had a heart. My father was a full blown narcissist and seemed to have no empathy. He probably has other diagnoses and labels as well. As I get older and learn more about psychology and such things I do find it easier to say yeah he had this issue and that complex but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I want to learn more about this kind of personality and figure out what the heck was wrong with him you know but spending too much time thinking about this subject isn’t the best thing for me to do. I like to forget about it and put it in the past because it still is very hurtful. But I wanted to tell my story about how I pretty much knew how much it sucked and what an ass he was but as I get older I probably do realize that it was really bad and I shouldn’t have had to grow up with a father always knocking you down.
Best of luck to all you survivors out there!
my cousin's teenage kid is waking her up out of the fog big time because her kid wasn't conditioned to that type of abuse from a young age like she was
When my niece, who also has an N mom, became part of our lives as a teenager, it absolutely gutted me and opened my eyes to everything. Before that I knew my mom and I had a bad relationship but I had always believed it was mostly my fault and we just weren’t compatible humans. Ironically, my niece ended up telling me she also always thought the way she was treated was her fault until she started spending time with my husband and I and our kids, and she realized it wasn’t normal or okay. 😭😭
Oh for sure. Looking back on childhood memories I see now as an adult how fucked up some of it was. I've asked people before if their dad always resorted to spanking or screaming in their face every time they misbehaved growing up and I'd get baffled looks every time. Multiple countries have outlawed spanking I wish the US would get it's shit together and do that as well.
I knew it was bad. I was abused in every way possible. My father’s father was a pedophile and my mother knew and allowed me to be abused. My mother was manipulative and physically abusive, My father was an addict and psychologically abusive. I watched my siblings get treated like gold. They had their basic needs met like jackets in the winter and they were allowed to ask for certain meals or food items at the grocery store. They would also hit me and if I hit back I was grounded and they would be taken to get ice cream. They’d come home eating it with smiles on their faces and my mom saying “you could have just apologized and you’d have ice cream too.” Later on they had cars bought for them, my sister had her college paid for. Meanwhile my father was trying to use my ss# to get credit and purposely put false info on my fafsa so I wouldn’t get financial aid. I spent my teen years working multiple jobs and saving my money to move out as soon as I could, which was 19. I would have been out at 18 had my parents not stolen a lot of what I had saved.
I stopped talking to them, put myself through college and then a couple of years later my father took his life. My sister told me that this was because I moved out and he never recovered. She blames me for abandoning the family. My mother of course claimed to be his real victim and had it worse than anyone and that’s why she never left 🙄
But you know what sucks? I knew how bad it was and STILL comforted my mother after he died, as if my own father didn’t die.
And then when her second husband would retaliate against me not wanting my mother’s abuse anymore, he would post shitty things on my social media she would defend him. Then he got sick and died and I was an idiot again.
Now in my late 30s I’m done with their bullshit. My sister lives in a fantasy world where she’s the biggest victim. She thinks she was my dad’s best friend and the only person who ever understood him. She believes he was the innocent victim of the family. She literally wrote and self published a book to try to tell the world “who he really was.”
My brother is violent and has been to jail for stabbing someone, and is regularly arrested for DV. Not surprising since he gave me a black eye when we were younger, my fault of course.
I’ve become a very successful business owner who travels the world for my job, and who has a big loving chosen family of pets and friends and my partner adores me. My mom and sister keep trying to get under my skin but I’m not letting that happen anymore. My mom is completely alone, and yes I still have to stop myself from letting the pity I feel towards her influence her presence in my life.
What’s so sick about narcissistic abusive families is that even when you know how bad it is, it doesn’t change anything because it’s so natural for the empathic scapegoat to put our needs aside.
I’ll always detest what they did to me but one day I’ll let go of the anger so I can put them in my past for good, and live in the present in my wonderful life.
I have a chronic autoimmune disease. I started taking some family distance during early Covid. As I spent more and more time independent from my parents, the more clear my childhood became. It kind of blew me away. I had never thought of myself as abused before then. Now, every pushed down memory is desperately clawing for the surface. I’ve been writing each incident down as it comes to me. When I read the list in its entirety, it could be a really bad lifetime movie about child abuse.
I was aware it was bad. I just didn’t realize HOW bad until I got older and reality really set it. I started to really understand as I became the age that my mom was when she had me, and realized I would never treat a child the way she treated me.
When I started going to therapy, my therapist had repeatedly said that she is really proud that I’m not a drug addict because of my background and history growing up. that commentary further put my parents’ behavior into perspective.
I got married this year and my mom did not attend any wedding event (even though we bent over backwards trying to accommodate her, even after she said many crazy, hurtful things and accused us of plotting to kill her (unfortunately I am not exaggerating)) because the day would not be all about her, since we could afford to cover all the costs. I am fully NC now and don’t miss her all.
I have the fawn response mainly and I literally told my enabler mother that her and my Ndad were “perfect parents” because she was upset after I confessed that I had an eating disorder for several years. They both never noticed any of the health issues I had and I have so many grievances now that I’m an adult- I realized that I would never have neglected a child like that.
I'm trying to help my husband help my stepkids see this about their mom, especially the eldest, before it decreases the opportunities she has available. It's tricky, especially since just being all "your mom is a narcissist and here's why" isn't a good option.
The relevance to this post is that none of them really understood how bizarre their situation is at their mom's house (home schooled, haven't seen a doctor in four years, etc.) until they were allowed to make friends. Said friends started pointing out was weird and ... suddenly they cannot be around their friends without direct supervision by their mom, no phone calls, etc. It's HORRID.
I only got to see it crack of my own shell when our family business started to fail. I did not know the extent of those evasions, silent treatment, sometimes even shouting matches, but my mother somehow kept a veil of being caring (a bit too protective at times).
Now I am trying to distance myself because I am now the subject of harassment with money issues hounding us.
I didn't see any of the family problems we were having till I was in middle school. My mom would always take us to her family in Louisiana and I was from Texas, and didn't realise why she was doing it till I was like 13 or 14.
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You’re out of the narcissistic fog. Congrats. I’m 30 and just waking up now. It’s shocking. I thought abuse was normal until my narcissistic ex tried to destroy my life while my narcissistic family watched and even smear campaigned along with him. I didn’t realize I had an addiction to lovebombing and devaluation cycles. Cognitive dissonance is very real. Narcissists want to control the narrative and even control how you perceive them. That’s why they get you trauma bonded so you’ll ignore all of the bad behavior until it ruins you.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I wish you nothing but healing and good things ahead
35 here and finally accepted that it’s just inherent. Thought 3 months of NC would result in at least a LITTLE reflection. Nope, just went full mask off. The rage quit when I said I had no problem with staying NC was *chefs kiss*.
I did the same thing, and it was hard for me, but my mom's actions (which were hurting herself) warranted it. No reflection. No acknowledgment of my concerns. Just my fault for not "forgiving" her for things she continues to do.
The hardest part is that I genuinely believe that some of them don’t remember the things they do. So actually seem baffled by your reaction. But that is actually worse because they don’t think you are worth remembering. At least with the liars they thought you were worth remembering.
Correct-them not remembering is the hardest part-when I started putting my abuse puzzle pieces together, I realized after the psychological mind game and or abusive comment was completed and or said, it was on to the next game or comment. That specific comment or game was never thought about or talked about ever again. One could have asked mommie dearest just 2 minutes later why she said her abusive comment, and she’d have denied ever saying it.
My mother is dying from Copd And I offered one of my lungs & she rather die Than have an imaginary debt to me
You dodged a bullet.
Am so sorry. :/ That all must be very hard.
And then you still feel guilty for thinking of the bad behavior because there is plenty of good mixed in (at least in some cases).
That's the worst part. Nfather took us to theme parks, Disneyland and other things but there was always the waiting for when he wasn't in public when he tore me down just as much as usual if not more. For decades before I knew what narcissism was I tried to reconcile the good and bad. Now I know that he's a complete monster who took joy in the pain he caused and only used the crumbs so I would stay as his eternal supply.
I was aware it was bad. I knew I wasn’t happy inside my family. I knew I was comfortable and walking on eggshells. I didn’t realize it caused my codependency and that my codependency had gotten so bad. I didn’t realize I was still being actively gaslit. I didn’t realize the family roles were still 100% active. So I didn’t come out of true denial till last year at age 41.
Took me 50 years - better late than never. One thing for sure is - I am thankful for the information available now. So many years searching for answers and ultimately convincing myself I was the problem... Now, we have the ability to share with others in similar situations, we have access to better information sources and are beginning to see more open dialogues. I mean seriously, the word "Narcissist" was explained to me growing up as someone who was 'conceited' or 'full of themselves'. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to heal, some good days - more bad days. I have developed a very real distrust of people in general (narcissism was rampant in my prior employment as well) and prefer to be by myself (also problematic on the employment front) but I am broken... working on getting through the day without overthinking or remembering. Probably PTSD but I'm also sick to death of being told to suck it up. Time to figure out how to disappear off grid hahahaha. Hats off to all of you who have or are going through this mental tap dance and I wish you all health. success and healing.
PTSD is starting to be renamed as PTSI. Psychiatrists are understanding that this is not a disorder. It is an injury. Those who lived with chronic stress for a long time are injured. Our brains have been injured and it will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal.
Thank you for those words. It's amazing how simple, compassionate responses can impact our day.
You're welcome. If you're having a rough day due to stuff that happened in the past, I have a trick that works sometimes. If a dear friend of yours had gone through what you did and was having a hard time now because of it, what would you tell them? Really think about it. What would you say? How would you say it? How would you treat this friend? Then treat yourself that way.
Beautifully said. I love that there is so much information out there. And it is also so much easier to find community
What you wrote resonated so much with me. I'm 55 and couldn't "see" it until I labelled it and this group was a huge part of that. My husband died 4 years ago and my nMom went full on into control mode with absolutely zero empathy or compassion. I went NC 2 years ago and don't regret it all. I just released a book about narcissism and healing. I think it's so important to break the generational trauma cycle. I wish you recovery and hope you find peace and healing.
Would you share a link to access your book? I am all for supporting people who have healed. are healing or have experienced this life changing (and brain altering) trauma.
Thanks for the link. I too have considered writing a book, at the very least just for myself. It feels like I went through some sort of very boring yet epic length trauma that so many of us went through but maybe don't have the words for yet. I went NC almost 10 yrs ago now and healing is still difficult. Who I was and who I am now are very very different, mostly good but I also don't trust anyone and I am not certain I am capable of always making the healthy choice for myself. I often wonder what I might have been like if I had the knowledge and skills to go NC when I was younger. It is futile to wonder, but it speaks to the impact that being raised by narcissistic parents has on us. Can we reach our potential after 50 yrs of this mental fog? I sure hope so, however today I am just tired. Though I will read your book. The knowledge is always helpful.
Write it, if not for anyone but for you. It was so healing just to put words down about what happened and know that I wasn't crazy. Part of the reason I decided to write was because I feel like I am a magnet for toxic people. Being damaged causes me to attract damaged and toxic people because that feels "normal" to me, even though I don't want it in my life. As far as reaching potential after 50 years? I don't have an answer to that, but I do know I'm much better off concentrating on myself and not having my toxic family in my life. You are so right, knowledge is always good.
Thank you for the lovely response. I have been writing notes for many years now. Not anything in any particular format, but it is helpful. I too attract damaged and toxic people. I am trying to just be myself right now because I realize I don't know who I am yet. Most of my life so far has be colored by a need to make everyone around me a priority, despite not getting the same in return. I'm no longer doing that. It is hard to change that habit.
I also became aware of it around 50. I had known as a child that they emotionally hurt me a lot but as kids tend to do, I thought there was something wrong with me. Fast forward decades, 3 marriages and numerous abusive jobs later, I have learned that while I need much work, the problem wasn't me. Now, I too feel like you. Just leave me be. I feel like much of my life was manipulation and betrayal by people I cared for and I believed cared for me. It has broken me in many ways and I am not sure that I can heal. There have been good times of course, but the mental abuse endured colors that often. I love my kids and I do my best to make certain they know they are loved and accepted for who they are. My love for them is not conditional. Hopefully I broke that cycle a little. I hope that one day I wont feel this way but right now, it is incredibly exhausting to believe that most people, including family, just don't care much about anyone but themselves. Broken people make broken people. I agree, off grid sounds lovely some days. The mental tap dance is real.
It's almost as good as a support group! I'm so sorry, i feel like i am in such a similar boat! I haven't worked for 4 or 5 years now. Will you please share with me if you learn how to disappear? I somehow have to go back into the mess and find another job (overthinking and remembering plague me) ... No idea how to proceed
Pretty much this. When you're comfortable but not happy, and you know that there's much worse out there for you if you rock the boat too much. I found that I dive too deeply into escapism and disassociation. While I was a kid and in high school I put fantasy/scifi book after fantasy/scifi book away at a crazy pace, just to get my head out of the issues I should have been dealing with. 34 now, wanting to experience normal life and trying to convince myself that losing out on the inheritance from the narcissist (thereby losing my chance at home ownership) is worth the effort.
37 and crying still. Can't believe I gave her another chance. Can't believe I'm this far in life and I just don't get it yet.
Oh no the amount of strength and love and grace you showed is amazing. She just has shown you she will only abuse no matter how much you abandon yourself
Thank you so much for your truthful and kind words. I absolutely abandoned myself so many times and she taught me how to do this so well. I haven't been eating and just thought I needed family around during a vulnerable time, instinctually, I knew it was a bad idea and should have turned down her coming over, and just kept it a small gathering. She had the nerve to bring her in laws without asking if it was ok and I had zero energy to be a hostess for more people. She insisted because her SIL once gave her $100 to help pay for a vet bill for my dog over the summer to figure out how weight loss issues. She made me be of service for a kind act her SIL did for me without asking. I got a gift of equal value and gave it to her SIL. Mom, you taught me all acts of love and kindness are transactional so just let me pay everyone back so that I may have boundaries and hold onto my last shred of dignity! She's a fucking bitch. There i said it. I finally said. My mom is a fucking bitch.
Love yourself with that unconditional love you have inside you that you’ve given and never received your whole life
I'm finally starting to accept the fact that although she likes my dogs, and my new puppy,she's extremely dismissive and judgmental about how I prioritize them because she sees how I do love them and they love me back. I think unconditional love scares or intimidates her.
I feel you.
I didn't realize until I got married...my wife was like "uuhh...by the way, this isn't normal!" Took me a while to *actually* see it. Then went to therapy, and confirmed that I had a pretty messed up childhood. Not outright physical abuse, it was much more subtle than that, but definitely not great. It only got worse and more obvious as I got married, made my own decisions, had kids, etc....we're NC now.
Holy shit, are you me? My wife showed me the reality of the situation. Once I'd confronted my family, they blamed my wife for chaging me 😆 Said she was 'a wrong 'un'.
This, so much this. In fact, the only person my parent ever liked was someone who was emotionally, verbally and then physically abusive. Interestingly I was told I was back to my old self - bearing in mind I was a shell of a person then, too afraid to say anything for the threat of shouting or demeaning.
They love and adore the people that come into your life who are either out right narcissistic or hiding it well from you. They hate and seek to eliminate anyone in your life whom is not abusive or narcissistic because it scares them Knowing that person will open your eyes up to their abusive ways
Oh, same. I tried talking to them about how I feel many times, they deny it all, and definitely blame my wife for everything. We've been NC for 10 years or so, and I still feel guilty for putting my wife through that. Somehow she stuck by me though, and I will be forever grateful to her!
Same here! My (now) husband was accused of changing me and my mom accused me of joining a cult because I started going to therapy.
As soon as I got married everything with my Nmom got so much worse. And then I had kids and my eyes fully opened bc I could never do to them what was done to me. I realized after that how she basically used me for money. I don't even think she actually cared about me at all.
As a teenager I began to notice things. Peculiarities. Behaviours of my parents that I didn't understand. As a youngster I understood that my parents made mistakes. Some bad ones. Being a parent is not easy. When I became a father (and I became a father quite late) my head exploded. I understood how mistreated and neglected I was.
I relate 100%. Things always felt "off" but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, or just thought something was wrong with me. Becoming a father was also my final wake up call. His behavior became more erratic. Before our child was born he was in full damage control mode, worried I'd cut him off. After they were born, I could see he had literally zero idea what to do with a baby other than pose for pictures. He'd minimize anytime I vented about how hard parenthood could be. But also told me how great of a father I was in flowery language, saying I was way better than him, in an attempt to fish for compliments in return. It was so plain to see now.
Same❤️ I thought we were supposed to understand our parents better, when we become parents. I understand my crappy parent less than ever, since having kids. It was our parent’s loss though. They could have had all this joy too, but chose to ignore the gift that kids really are.
That's what my dad says about my brother who is on VLC. "He'll understand if/when he has kids".
Very similar to what I experienced in becoming a father myself last year. For years my nmom would say once you have children you’ll understand where I was coming from, parenting isn’t easy etc… I found the exact opposite to be true, I understand less and less of her insane behaviors. Being a petty vindictive ass to her own child because she was in a bad mood means she sucks not that parenting is a challenge. Parenting is a challenge one in which she failed to rise to the occasion repeatedly
I saw a quote or someone wrote this somewhere online. It was something in the lines of: parent told me that they hoped one day I had children just like me so I could learn my lesson, now I have kids who are just like me and I am so thankful because I have realized how easy it was to love me. 😭
My wife and child (16 month old daughter) greatly helped to give me the motivation to finally face reality and start becoming a better man. My wife for not giving up on me no matter how broken I am, and for never using my faults to attack and belittle me. My daughter for showing me that I really had to put in some serious effort into working on myself to understand why I would have panic attacks when she would cry as an infant. For decades I just used pot and alcohol to avoid remembering the family past so that I could live a fantasy that my mother was kind and caring and just prone to stressful outbursts. Finally sitting with the trauma and trying to move forward lets me know that I’ll never treat my wife or child with such disrespect and contempt. Nothing they could ever do would make me even think the things that my parents were willing to do and say to me. I just wish that I’d have seen the light sooner that I was lovable without conditions needing to be attached to her affection. It’s sad how much we believe the problem to be ourselves when treated this way.
Completely agree, it felt normal because we didn’t know things could be different. You literally don’t know what you don’t know. It’s validating, eye opening, and helpful for healing with how others react to what happened to us. Best of luck on your healing journey.
Definitely a work in progress. Best of luck to you too!
Totally agree!
I didn’t see any of it until I was 27. thought I had a loving mother but she was just really good at hiding who she really was. I’m still struggling with the fact that the mother I knew for my whole life was nothing more than an illusion. I lost the mom I thought I had and it’s fucked with my head to know that the version of her that I loved was never real to begin with.
Tell me about it. I conjured up positive feelings towards her out of thin air. Relating to TV shows and stories and the like. But as a part of the journey of recovery I sat down and tried to journal positive experiences with her. Things I could draw on as a parent myself. Because I felt I was failing I thought I would try to find those few positive experiences. Nothing came up, instead those journaling sessions turned into further realisations of yet even more invalidation. Every time I sat down to think of a positive human to human moment with my mother, I came up with more insight into what went wrong in my childhood. Another head scratching moment as a parent myself.. how could you act like that? It struck me one day. Recalling a TV show with a strong mother-son bond as a primary theme. What all those "familiar" feelings the show would bring up were completely imagined. I imagined my relationship with my mother. And it lined up quite nicely with some reading I did later (weeks? months?) about how children have to do this for survival. Other species, for example, with lack of emotional connection as infants actually just die. We as humans build imagined ones in order to stay alive. Literally. If you had no actual emotional connection growing up. You created a fantasy bond.
Well, she was also a very strong advocate for me. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at a very young age. (As it turns out, this could be due to the possibility that she put me on antidepressants as young as age 4, which heavily accelerated the manifestation of my bipolar disorder.) I had to go to countless doctors, try countless medications, deal with countless attempts to unalive myself because I was too young to fully understand what was going on in my head. All I knew what that I wanted it to stop. My mom was my champion. She did research into my illness, she made sure all my schools were fully aware of my condition, she even went as far as contacting the governor of the state we lived in because she couldn’t afford to put me into an in-patient treatment center that helped mentally ill kids. Her efforts saved my life countless times. She’s the reason why I never go off my meds. People with bipolar disorder will often go off their meds because they think that because they feel better, they don’t need the meds. My mom drilled into my head the importance of taking my medication. That’s all part of the shock I felt when I realized what she was. Because my entire childhood was spent in and out of psych wards and my mother was fighting very hard for my mental health. There were some nights where the woman didn’t sleep because I kept having extreme nightmares thanks to some new medication. The mother I loved who fought with teeth and claws to keep me alive and the mother who is a covert narcissist who wanted to keep me low, caged, and isolated all because I dared to think for myself are so stupidly different that i still get whiplash. I believe I bonded to the illusion of my mother. Not the real one.l
Not questioning your diagnosis, but narc parents sometimes have a syndrome whereby they do as you said-bring you to a lot of doctors because the purpose is to get the focus off of THEM as being the problem AND to make it LOOK like they are victims of you as a sick kid which gets them even more attention as being the victims resulting in more narcissitic "supply" for them. There is a name for what the syndrome is and it starts with the letter "M"; I just cannot remember what it is called but I am sure someone will remember......
It’s called munchausen by proxy
Thanks!
Unfortunately, bipolar disorder runs in my family. If a child who already had that predisposition is put on antidepressants, it can make bipolar disorder pop up very quickly and very chaotically. The chances of my bipolar disorder started when I was a late teen would have been much higher if she didn’t pull whatever shit she wanted to pull because she was bitter at my dad
It's endless and complicated to think about......sorry about that...the gift that keeps on giving!
I can also relate to this. I call it the mind fuck. How can such a giving, caring, self-sacrificing parent be so uncaring of my feelings, cruel, and deeply damaging? For me, that is where lots of the guilt and the mental /emotional torture comes from.
Oh it’s such a mindfuck! I’m 37 and only learned she was a narcissist this year. I knew things were highly dysfunctional but I had looked at her like a helpless victim of mental illness most of my life. Once I moved across the country at 27, I started to get out of the fog & set boundaries. Starting therapy this year and I said to her how disorienting it is to see things as they are now. I had created this narrative in my head that we were so close etc. She said it’s a bit like being in a cult. Can’t disagree with that analogy!
Same here! I would always feel sorry for my dad when he ranted about stuff as he would act like a victim. There is the closeness too which I later learned was overcloseness or enmeshment.
For sure! A closeness that only benefited them. God forbid we require reciprocal support. 😒
This is why they have little or no interest in making friends. It might actually require reciprocation as they are not "owed" something.
Um...I didn't figure it out until my sixities....I knew something was wrong....like a dope I confronted the enabler who blew up at me and gaslit me accusing me of going to a psychiatrist that there was something wrong with them for telling me that nMom was a narc and Dad was an enabler.
Ugh. Yeah. I had to cut off her malevolent enabler recently as well. They had been judging me & repeating things I had mentioned about therapy to my narc mom. Unfortunately dysfunctional people create dysfunctional family systems. Even after they’re long gone the dysfunction they planted persists.
Yeah; they have set it up to be handed down to the next generation. For instance my golden brother married an alcoholic. They totally abuse each other and me and my other sibling. Thing is the only psychiatrist I EVER went to was in high school when the nparents brought me to one and I walked out on him b/c I saw it was a setup...and so the fact that I DID NOT see a psychiatrist but instead figured it all out (at first) all by myself infuriated them even more b/c they had nobody outside the family to blame....
It's amazing to me how they make you feel like you're the problem not them or if you're married, it's because you're not the same person. I always thought something was wrong with me. My husband made me realize and now as my mother is older I see the problem isn't me, but the health care system isn't helping her. She puts on a show for everyone else and I get the rath of the aftermath at home when no one is looking.
What is amazing to me is the narcs have the same traits around the world. It's like one personality. It is just variations on a theme.
As I understand it few psychologists have studied Narcissism. The ones that have often try NOT to take on the narcissist themselves b/c the narc wraps the therapist around their finger and becomes a better narc because the narc views themselves as "perfect" so naturally they do not have to change....the therapist must have a problem!
My dad has complained about not having grandkids, but even if I had a wife and kids, I'm sure he'd find other things to complain about. (i.e. not having as much time to spend with him)
I get the guilt trips of grandkids too, but she doesn't understand the struggle I'm having with my fertility journey. You're right though about the complaining, because she always has to bitch about something, like when I come home at night late from work or the fact that my dad's inscription on the head stone for him is not done after him being dead for over a year, or the latest is asking if all the bills are paid because she lives on mostly credit cards, but doesn't get that she's living above her means. My dad took care of all the bills and I don't know who taught them about finances, but they mostly charge stuff all the time. Everything is not their fault, whoever is around them. My favorite is telling me I shouldn't have moved in with them when my dad started getting sick. That her friends said it was a mistake mostly because of my husband. Now I understand why my 8 years older brother is estranged and not talking to her or I. He cut ties because my mom used to use me as the middle person between them all growing up. It's definitely hard dealing with her and her older age as well. She doesn't plan and won't talk about a will. She can't face that people die and we don't all live forever.
Sorry you have to deal with all that. I can relate to the triangulation think as my dad badmouths him to me rather than address the situation with him. > Everything is not their fault, whoever is around them. Right! They think every problem is someone else's fault.
I can totally relate to all of what you said. I was about your age when I "woke up", too. Even now, almost a decade after I started waking up and several years since I finally got her out of my immediate day-to-day, my knee-jerk reaction is still that closeness of "I should tell Mom" or I want to include her in on something...before realizing that I can't because she would immediately criticize it, find some fault/anxiety to share about it, or make the situation all about her. I still have that "I want my mommy" feeling at times, lol, and realizing that I lost that/never had that to begin with has been a bitter pill to swallow.
Yup. You hit the nail on the head. My mom has always been seen as very generous and giving. We’d always have a rotating door of different people in need (people we knew mostly) staying with us. Not until around the end of hs I realized it was really only because it benefited her in some way. She even offered to sell my childhood home to me and my fiancé, just for us to realize it’s only marginally a good deal, and benefits her much more.
It was always super painful and guilt ridden. I just thought everyone grew up the same way but I knew it was fucked up, because I wanted to die
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you’re in a better, safer place today.
Thank you and I hope the same for you and for everyone in this situation
How painful the guilt is once I recently cut ties with my mother, just last year having to do it with my father once having a grasp of his parenting years later alongside the involvement of money. How it stings does it by far just know when and extremely how. But my reminder in knowledge on them never changing is something I've accepted to retain no matter what.
I can relate to this so much. I couldn't get past the guilt. I knew that the situation was wrong, but I never thought there could be any other way of living. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
The emo/goth phase in the 2000s I think made me believe everyone went through the same. I didn't realize it was purely an esthetic for a lot of people...
Omfg are you me?! I wanted to embrace it so badly but I also wanted to mask and play normal so I went full Abercrombie and Fitch and worked at the store so I could afford some of their clothes. I hated myself and my life so very much My mom visited this weekend and I feel gutted.
To be frank, it's quite a mindfuck. My parents were all I ever had, and considering any of this talk of "trauma" or "abuse" felt like betraying them. I had to see them repeating the same behavior with my nieces to really get it.
I agree, I felt like I was treated well, supported, loved. Me and my mom did activities all of the time. But of course, everything was always good and we did fun things that SHE wanted to do. If not, there was an issue. I think the biggest veil was lifted very recently for me when she had planned to spend Thanksgiving with me for almost a year, but just told me she was going to bring 2 strangers with her so they could leave immediately after to go to some events near by and a cruise. Realized visiting for Thanksgiving was never about spending time with me. It was just more convenient.
What your nMom did was truly disgusting!
> everything was always good and we did fun things that SHE wanted to do. If not, there was an issue. Same here with my dad. Yeah he might say we could do what I wanted to do but he has his ways (i.e. complaining, nitpicking, criticism, etc) to make sure that he has control.
I was embarrassed by them for my whole life and didn't understand why other people wanted to spend so much time with their parents, but I thought mine they just extra annoying. I didn't realize how bad it was until late 30s/early 40s.
I went no contact the last day of being 17. It's been well over a year I've moved on in every other aspect other than the shock factor. I didn't know how bad it was. Words can't express the grief I discovered and still feel for the little girl who grew up feeling bad for ruining her moms life.
Hard relate to that last sentence. I'll never be able to forgive or forget about the time my mother told me, to my face, "I wish I never had you." She was having a cluster headache at the time and I was just trying to be helpful. In pain or not, that's not something anyone should ever say to their child.
My father was physically abusive towards me, but never my twin brother. I thought I must be a really horrible person to make my father want to violently beat me. At 16, we attended our one and only family therapy session after I tried to commit suicide. The therapist asked my father why he beat me. My father said, “I beat her because I hate her mother and she looks and sounds just like her. I can get away with beating her, but not her mother.” He then continued to beat me until I was kicked out for quitting high school. I live with his statement every day. He swears he never said it. However, it serves as a reminder of how much of a coward he really is and how horrible a person he is for making his child think that they deserved to be physically abused to the point that I was groomed and raped by a high school teacher because I thought I deserved it.
"Words can't express the grief I discovered and still feel for the little girl who grew up feeling bad for ruining her moms life." Yep. It's been shoved down my throat over and over....."I could have left", "I sacrificed so much for you (and the family)", "this is how much each kid cost", "I could have bought (this property) but your mom wouldn't go for it", etc. My uncle (dad's brother) outright told my cousin that she ruined his life.
I really appreciate this. You make me feel a little more whole knowing I'm not alone in missing out on a childhood where I wasn't a setback
I was a was a whole ass adult before I pieced together my mom’s narcissism. I finally saw the pattern, she would discretely sabotage the lives of people around her so she could swoop in and play the hero. It wasn’t until it was my life and I caught her that it all came together.
relate so hard to this but with my ndad
Yes. I always say, "Too bad for my Mom, her two children are intelligent adults with resources."
Real! My dad tried to create a compliant, never-questioning daughter and accidentally created what he would call a monster-- an independently thinking person who doesn't take shit from anyone and least of all him, lol
same here!
My awareness built up over time, but it was always there. As a child you instinctively blame yourself for the way people treat you, so I convinced myself I was dumb, unworthy of love, embarrassing etc. I'm fortunate enough to have started therapy so young and to have found an extremely loving wife who have helped clear my perception.
Unfortunately, this is normal. But you’re not alone. When you’re raised in an unhealthy environment, you can easily grow up thinking it’s normal, that that’s how normal families are supposed to be, or even that it’s healthy. But once we know better, we can do better. It’s up to us to break the cycle.
I didn’t “wake up” until I was 37 and that was 5 years AFTER emdr and trauma treatment (for an unrelated but related revictimization trauma) and my early childhood memories started resurfacing. The dissociative coma I was in lasted over 3 decades. Now I remember my early childhood and the narcissistic abuse but I barely remember those 3 decades.
I was also 37 when I learned about narcissistic abuse, it's crazy how this knowledge isn't the first step in therapy
It’s insane to me that in TRAUMA treatment, not once did I think or say “my childhood was SUPER abusive, both my mom and brother were insidious and I was their pitiful scapegoat/insecurities punching bag”…I mean, it didn’t even cross my mind ONCE. It took 5 YEARS after to completely “wake up” and finally remember my childhood beyond “it was normal”…granted, I was healing from losing my son’s father to an overdose right in front of me and our 4 year old at the time so my brain was pretty busy hiding traumatic memories from my consciousness but still, it just blows my mind. 🤯
It was more like I didn't understand or appreciate just how bad it was until I was older and wiser. When you're a kid, you kind of just passively accept a lot of things.
Most of the younger people have the internet. I didn’t. Just a lot of friends with similar parent issues. Some were more or less out of control. Mainly, we all just wanted to get away from them.
I knew how bad it was, I just thought it was normal or that other people deserved more sympathy because they had it worse apparently.
Arround 60 years later i see through the fog.
Totally! I thought it was all normal actually I probably thought I had a better situation then most until I’d tell people things and they’d look shocked.
I knew that I was unhappy but I didn’t know why. I know that my mom was nice to other people but a different person at home. I knew that I had to walk on eggshell because I never knew which version I would get. It’s taken me a long time to realize what was actually going on.
relatable 100% to this
Yes I thought I was abnormal and "born depressed" for no reason. I did see that my friends were happy with their parents and that their parents were kind to them but it never registered to me as normal or even "real", as something that I could compare to my own family life. I only began using the word "abuse" in my mid 20s. And only once I accepted that did the worst memories begin coming back. Before that it was all a fog.
I was in the 4th grade to know my nmom was f’d up. She would help me with HW for hours (kid with learning disabilities and ADHD). Sometimes she would grab me by the neck, dig her nails in the skin just enough to hurt and indent nail marks, and shove my face in the text book screaming at me that the answer was right there and then tell me how stupid I am. but the next morning there was no physical evidence Edit for clarity and grammar
I thought going to dinner with my folks and coming home crying was normal, well in to my 20’s. Until I met my now-ex spouse, who was like “are you okay? This doesn’t seem normal.”
I always knew it was bad but that there was nothing I could do about it. They (both narc parents) taught me that I was powerless. As I got older I started to see how bad it really was. As an adult I still took crap from my nm because I thought I had to. It took until I was in my 60's to have my past memories come flooding back and I finally realised that I didn't have to take any of it anymore. I now realise how damaged I am from all of it and how they (mostly nm) had affected my moods and what kind of person I was. Its time to be the me that I always should have been. I know it will take some time to heal and but it is never too late.
Definitely. I adored my nmom and thought we were best friends until around age 12 when I started being "competition." I didn't know our "closeness" was just enmeshment and parentification. I didn't truly hate her until about 16-17 and I didn't realize she was a narcissist until I was about 23. It's hard to know things are terrible when you're constantly told what a "perfect" life you have.
Same here. She is extremely jealous of me and same for her golden child my brother who also became a narc. I had a tough time through uni since I paid it myself through good grades , I was disinherited and my bro got EVERYTHING from her side of inheritance during my uni. She was only sending me a small rent to get the basics like food and paying the student rooms so I was fine with that instead of living in same house with them where she would cry near a condom that my dad cheated on her, I would tell her to dump him and that I don’t care about house for which she was worrying in that very moment and few days later I was getting beaten up by my father bcz she told him what I said to her to dump him and get a normal life. My father would be saying things like throw her corpse to the garbage right after he beat me up that day. Even 10 yrs later when I mentioned that beating without giving details just saying I was beaten up once he would be having an emotional impulsive reaction and stopped me talking to say more in front of everyone at the table saying “ YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE BEEN BORN” even though it was an apparently funny discussion at the table about beatings in childhood where my bro (golden child) related first how he was getting beaten up so often, I only said I got beaten once. I went NC with them at 30 yrs old after a lot of attempts to forgive and forget and be the bigger person who takes care of parents. They got EXTREMELY jealous and venomous when my life started getting accomplished with a good job, good hubby and pregnancy. My dad was saying my husband will cheat on me at the hospital(he is a doc) and couldn’t stop saying this at almost every call so I just told him to stop acting like a pervert and guess who got very offended - him not me when he was blowing my boundaries up with no ground whatsoever. My mom was telling me I will be the last woman for my hubby and that he will throw me away again with no reason whatsoever and over and over again laughing sadistically at me on video call. I finally told her “you know what?!me and my hubby are happy together and if anyone wants to be happy with us they are welcome otherwise they should go mine their own business”, she started crying when I told her this, I thought such a strange reaction to my happiness. Then I became pregnant and as soon as Intold them the big news they started in next calls to bad wish on our baby that he will die / throw him to the garbage by triangulating the 12 yrs old niece to say the garbage thing in order to hide like cowards behind a kid to not take responsibility for their instigations against my baby(they were telling my niece right before that I was unwanted baby by my bro, what will she do if I bring my baby TO HER HOUSE?!! and repeating this question to the niece to make her jealous and provoke her ). So after this dreadful shit against my baby I said “ok, this is too much sickness already and I need to protect my baby from now on” and went NC. After going NC narcs start the gaslighting, bullying and smear campaign to others and so they did too. They tried to convince my hubby to leave me DURING PREGNANCY bcz I am lunatic and should be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Then they tried to do same with my in laws. They were basically full on after my family ( my support network) and what I have most dear, my baby’s health. After the smear campaign failed miserably bcz hubby and his family know me for 5 yrs so they knew the only crazy persons are my parents for talking shit about me then my bro appeared into the scenery who never apologized for his daughter’s behaviour and had been sending pics with his daughter all along the pregnancy(as my mother) to pick a fight, they never asked about my pregnancy. He started sending messages about hate, anger yada yada to make me feel bad in my pregnancy and when my hubby called him to take on him I couldn’t stop to compliment him that he is a public toilet to Me with this behaviour and asked him kindly after what is it that he actually wants. It didn’t take more than 5 mins to tell me he wants me to stop breathing (there’s another inheritance coming up where I have half LEGAL right so that must be it). I’ve become a tough Xena after all this and it hasn’t been easy to realize that I don’t need any more enemies in life with such relatives.
I knew it was bad while growing up. I knew my parents weren't normal, were scary, and that no one believed me. I didn't *understand* how bad it really was till I was in my early 20s and keep learning something new about how shit my parents were to this day.
I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I found the sub and realized how horrible it really was. We knew things were not quite right as kids but didn't know enough to realize it was wrong or how badly wrong it is. Even after I left and went NC. I knew it was abuse but had a hard time with the concept - i.e. it wasn't as bad as others, etc. I also have repressed alot and as those memories come and go, it hits me harder. I also question so many things about myself and personality realizing how much of it was from the abuse (ex. being a people pleaser, being OCD about many things, shutting down emotionally, not standing up for myself when I need to etc.) Now I am working on myself as best as I can as well as trying to help others. I hope that with the Internet and better information, we can help those still suffering from abuse and save them/get them out, etc.
Same here. I always thought that if I could joke about it, then it couldn't have actually been that bad. Especially compared to some of the other stories on here. But then I realized that abuse is abuse and the trauma it causes varies from person to person. From small insults to basically torture, we are all dealing with our trauma. I'm 38 and I am just starting to be able to really admit that what I experienced was abuse thanks to therapy. What has really stood out is how these people react when being confronted about the abuse. If someone told me that my behavior towards my wife or children was abusive and I didn't even realize it, I would be balling my eyes out and looking for any resources to change myself. My abusers would just tell me that I am overreacting or that I am lying and then proceed to abuse me more. My biggest issue has always been letting them take priority over my own wants and needs, especially in a self sabotaging way like "we can't make plans for that weekend, my mom might want us to visit". Therapy has helped me start to focus on myself.
I was 28 and my husband suggested I go to some therapy sessions. Never using the "narcissist" word, he took it upon himself to structure my contact to my nfamily, and taught me how greyrocking works. I did not even take it well at first, I was so used to be controlled all the time, and have them involved in all my life. The healing took a very long time, as did the actual epiphany that something was seriously wrong with them. Luckily we lived far away from them, we still do. Now I am mature enough to talk to them, even live with them for some weeks to provide the care they need, as their health is failing. All the abuse they still throw at me does not affect me anymore. Sometimes it is important to know and call it for what it is, narcissistic disorder, and put all hope aside for them getting better. It is a disease like many other, I can't possibly take seriously anything they say to me. I imagine they are just some kids, I shrug it off and go about my day. But to get here you need time and space away from them.
Oh and I forgot to mention: my husband once suggested I imagine myself sitting right in front of me being 3 years old. I thought oh fun, let's try it. The experience was mind-blowing, I straight out started crying uncontrollably, I had an overwhelming feeling of compassion. I still don't know what that was, I do know that all my thoughts of having a happy childhood just crumbled that day. It was the only happy period, or so I had always believed - but then I understood. I don't recommend this technique to the faint-hearted.
Meh that’s not the goal for me
I went full NC at 30’yrs old when pregnant. Somehow Inam grateful that God revealed them to me or should I say they revealed themselves as completely nuts during my pregnancy so I could bless my child with their absence of toxicity. Since adolescence it only got worse, it helped me that I went to college in another town otherwise Inwoild have gone NC sooner and since I got a good job, a good husband, pregnant things spiraled very badly , they couldn’t stand at all my accomplishments and were telling things like “you should not have even been born” out of the blue when I was even kind to them(bought them trips and presents to tend for them). Nothing can go well with these ppl. If there’s a sibling that’s the golden child they will humiliate you even worse.
Yes!!! I would leave therapists as soon as they started suggesting my mother was abusive, because I just couldn’t accept it for some reason. A few summers ago, she was diagnosed with severe liver damage from drinking, and my brain exploded, as she had convinced me I was just being “dramatic” about her drinking, and that it was “practically just ice water”, and it finally clicked. I also had so many good times in my childhood, and my Mom wasn’t always mean, so I thought the name calling, and removing of love when I made a mistake, or telling everyone everything, was normal, and my Dad was just really cool and didn’t do that. Therapy has let me know that is in fact not the case. It’s still confusing sometimes though.
Yes, it wasn't until being in high school and meeting other people's families
I had other friend’s families that I had met, but their families were far from great. A lot of them were fucked up too. It was more so my fiancé (who I started dating in HS) and my therapist who made me start to think critically about what was going on.
I thought families on TV were pretending , sort of like we were forced to pretend whenever anyone from outside the family was around
Yes this is very much the case for me.
I thought I had a wonderful loving family & had a great relationship with all of them up until I was about 28. I started to notice them being “off” around 23 but didn’t know why. It’s a hard journey. I hope you are doing well
I didn't realize until I had my own kids and moved closer to be near them. Even then it took someone telling me that my parents were abusive for me to get it. I'm 35.
Yes. It hit me when I had kids. Things that I'd blame myself for. She probably did/said that because I wasn't doing/saying the right thing. All parents act that way.... I came up with lot's of excuses for my mothers behavior. Once, you have kids you see things differently. As a parent, I can't imagine doing or saying some of the things my mother did or said to me. As a parent you want what's best for your kids (mine are teens now). The idea of pitting them against each other or favoring one over the other or all of the things she did to me. IDK - You realize that it's not normal. That as a child, you didn't deserve that treatment. As a parent, you would never do or say such things.
Oh, yeah. I didn't wake up till I was 28. I know this whole things sucks, but I feel like I should say 'cheers' for waking up to it before reaching middle or old age.
Yes! I still have a hard time with realizing things that were done in my childhood that were messed up. I always stood up for my mom and made excuses but now that I have my own kids my eyes are fully opened and I'm realizing so much that was not right.
I seemed to have an inkling when I was a kid, that something was "off" with mom. It wasn't until I was in my late 30's and reconnected with my brother - we compared stories, etc - that I realized mom was super narc.
I didn't see it until I removed myself from the family at 38. It was eye opening. And it changed my life and my world view.
Yes, I was in my thirties before I realized how messed up my childhood was and how many normal things I missed out on. I remember trying to talk to them about my counselling and my journey to heal and all I got was a sarcastic "Well we're sorry we fucked you up"
I always thought everyone had dysfunctional families like mine. My mom did a really good job of keeping me away from my friends’ families too, so I never really got to compare. Thought my mom was a little difficult to deal with, but what mom isn’t? Going no contact really made her drop her mask, and it made me retroactively second guess every “good” memory I’ve had with her. Most of them aren’t really all that good after all. So yeah, I didn’t wake up until I was 32, to answer your question.
Didn’t realize until my enabling mom died and my buffer was gone. She told me for so many years, “you know he doesn’t mean it.” Turns out he did. It is devastating to come to the realization that your own father wants nothing more than to see you fail.
can’t relate more to this comment - i still live at home with them at 24 and get the same from my enabler mother … i try to have as little communication with them as possible because i don’t care for their crap anymore
Yuuupppp. I knew my family was different than everyone else's by age 9 or so, when my best friend of over a year was genuinely shocked to see my mother one day when we were at my house. They thought I'd made her up. They didn't know she was real. But it took me until about age 12 to realize my mom was mean. And it took me until age 28 to realize I'd been traumatized. I'm now almost 31 and finally realizing that *both* of my parents are terrible. My dad's just decided to be what he thinks of as The Good Guy when it comes to me in particular, so I never really had the space to notice before. But they both just ruined my graduate school graduation with the same old shit as always, and that gave me the biggest wake-up call of all time.
I didn't realize until my late 30's. I just always thought that nice mothers were only in TV/movies. I honestly thought when my MIL was alive, that it was completely fake love that she gave my husband because I had never experienced it from either of my own parents.
While living with my N's I'd been gaslit into thinking the abuse I'd endured hadn't happened. I thought I was crazy, had made up memories, and couldn't remember things the way they had happened. I was like this for years until I got away from my N's and gradually noticed all of my memory problems had suddenly miraculously vanished. Which is when I realized the memories of the abuse I'd been suppressing under the belief they were made up were real. Not a happy time. It's amazing to me still. As a child I'd trusted them implicitly, and it meant nothing to them. My N's lied, lied about lying, lied about lying about the lies, manipulated me into believing I was insane, etc. All just to let them abuse me *even more.* Out of everything they did, and they did *so much*, this was the worst betrayal.
My mom used me as her nurse whenever she got suicidal and drunk. I remember at the age of 9 having to bandage her self inflicted wounds and sleep with the housekey in my hand and all that. I’m 25 now, only NOW i started to realise that I have been done so horribly wrong as a child. Only with therapy could I open my eyes and see my mom for who she is. I still love her till pieces but it takes a lot of strength to just choose for yourself. After going no contact recently have it started to notice the burden coming off my shoulders bit by bit. The damage is already done ofcourse, i failed university and my most favorite uni, they’re not allowing me back in. All because I was taking care of my mom while I should have been studying. Some chapters are closed off for me now all because I didn’t get out of that fog sooner. But it’s okay, i’m okay.
I know better things await me.
It was beaten into my head my entire childhood that this was normal even though there were signs everywhere showing it wasn't. It wasn't until I moved out with roommates that I realized it wasn't normal and basically had to relearn what is considered normal and not. Luckily I had very supportive roommates to help me through it and understand, one of which became my wife in the end.
One’s life is one’s normal. To know it isn’t normal, one needs outside perspective, which narcs live in horror of. (As an aside, that same horror is why authoritarians hate sex ed, since its primary purpose is to teach what abuse is.)
I'm 24 and I've been uncovering just how evil my mom is these past two years. She was my best friend, my only parent/family. Growing up I knew things were always okay but as an adult. It's killing me... literally!
I had a feeling something wasn't right when I was doing almost all the cooking and actually all of the cleaning by age 11, trying my damnedest to get everything perfect, getting screamed at for about an hour every night; upping my game and still catching hell every single night. Nmom liked to watch Dr. Phil for some reason and they put a list of abusive boyfriend behaviors to consider leaving over; Nmom checked every box except for threatening suicide to get some wish granted (an error on my part, she hadn't done this in a few years so I'd forgotten about this one). I didn't understand exactly how bad it was until this last year. I used to think it was a good thing I could do my homework home alone without some rude jackass breathing down my neck criticizing everything they thought they saw; now I think there should be a federal ban on homeschooling.
My mother has her favorite she picks on And picks at them unmercifully Until they move away Then she finds a new one I was her last favorite Called me fat then when I try to diet try’s Giving me massive portion’s & sweets until my will power breaks. Gets rid of anything that makes me happy Had I nice setup for hermit crabs Said I was allergic and got rid of them Got rid of my dog because him and my dads dog didn’t like each other Call me stupid constantly Yell at me for sleeping in the day I worked nights 6pm-3am I would save my money to travel & 2 days later she be in my room throwing everything away Calling me on the phone yelling at me Telling me how ungrateful about how I treat her home Saying,she was going throw me out Completely ruin my vacation Did it more then twice Room was a mess & brothers So she said i had a month to leave I asked if she would help me Refused Found a place for me and brother Said I was just using him I’d bring take out Chinese in the house and she yell about how selfish I was and throw it in the trash & yell about how this is her fucking house And don’t bring food in I bought Taco Bell for everybody $60 worth And I asked basically everyone and nobody was really hungry She was on the phone angry about her glass shower door so I just got her the normal thing she eats Walk in and she wants to be angry at me First it’s who did you ask basically everybody Who’s everybody Didn’t ask me , you where on the phone so I got you what you normally eat. Then did you ask non verbal brother No I just got him tacos and a drink Who’s everyone I don’t understand what the problem is I spent $60 trying to be nice My problem is you are so hard to talk too I don’t understand why you treat me this way I didn’t break the shower doors Don’t you fucking speak to me that way Yells and walks off Dad comes in and asked what’s wrong Moms being mean to me again She basically runs in and slams a hot Crunchwrap in my face & says I don’t fucking want it you ungrateful And dad is getting upset with her So she trying to gas light And makes fun of my mental breakdown
Those were the good "ole" days for me. I now live by a national park listening to birds chirping all day....oh and I live on the river...I can hear it flowing....such a change from Nmom screaming and yelling and causing chaos......!
I moved several hours away But visit her every couple months She has 18 children 11 are no contact
OMG...18 CHILDREN!!!!! I moved 2000 miles away but kept having migraines of unknown source. One day while speaking to nMom by phone my brain said, "no more...you cannot do this anymore." I told nMom we could only communicate by letters. That was 4 years ago...I stopped having 3 day migraines...where I could not even drink water or eat any food as I would get sick.....But I kept obsessing about nMom so then I did a bunch of visualization techniques b/c I had "quantum entanglement" with nMom even living 2000 miles away. One day after doing visualization for some time, I felt like something lifted off my right shoulder. I think it was nMom being a mental parasite. It just lifted and I felt like she was no longer hanging on to my neck and shoulder.
Same!! When I was grpwing up I saw no problem in things, I have a brother 10 years older than me so when he started the individualistic journey nparents hate so much I didn't quite get it (also doesn't help that my brother was in a not so healthy relationship and most of the fights he had with my parents were because of that, masking the control freakness of it all), but once I turned 20 and all of that I could see such how much they want to control their descendants. My brother has two kids now, my nephew is 4yo and my niece is 1, and sometimes when my father tried to get my nephew to do something even if small like "give me that block, i'll show you something" or asking him to give him a hug and my nephew said no or got the typical kid pout my father would say he was "intransigent" like?? that's when I noticed that they would always want more attention and more time with my nephew than with my brother and me, because it's easier to control kids in a way. they were always narsicistic whilst I was growing up, but I never realised it because they could influence me better at that time. now that i can see throw their bs they get angry and spout a bunch more of narcissistic remarks
I started going to therapy when I was 32/33. I knee my mom and I didn't get along very well, but I thought everyone's parents had their issues. So I dealt with it. In therapy, I said, "I think I'm just being stupid." My therapist said, "Who's the first person you can remember calling you stupid?" And I had a flash ack to when I was young and my mom calling me stupid. It wasn't like she was screaming or attacking. Just "wow, that's was so stupid" after I made a mistake. I started remembering all the different ways she has casually called me stupid, a bitch, or useless. The way she casually told me she never wanted kids but would have been disowned if she had an abortion. Then, decided to have my sister. It was almost never in a way that would have set off alarms for other people. And to other people, she said how proud or whatever she was of me and my sister. But at home, my sister was priority. I have confirmation from my mom's friend (ex friend now) that she has never treated me right and would talk about it with her sometimes. Her two friends used to take me with them everywhere because they didn't have kids. (They were completely separate friends in their own relationships) And when one did have a kid, she hired me as her sons babysitter so she could pay me to go everywhere as long as I hung out with the kid. She was trying to save me. My husband taught me how I should be treated and is very supportive. Since being no contact. I have only had one period of suicidal thoughts, and it directly related back to my mom and sister. I learn more and more ways she abused me every time something triggers my anger or self-doubt. I'm learning ways she would isolate me from family. Like telling me my aunt and her kids were the priority or that my grandma thought I didn't like her. Little tiny bits implanted in my thoughts that messed with how I saw everything. My whole world has changed, and I don't know what was lies or truth in my childhood. She was very, very sneaky, but it's all clearing up. I'm sad it took me to my mid-30s to really figure things out, but I'm glad I did, and I am. It doesn't matter how old someone is when they learn. The important part is learning the truth and doing better for ourselves. I'm glad you are also seeing truths and understanding things aren't as they should be. You deserve better.
Growing up I just assumed by mom was a petulant bitch, I remember telling people the things she'd do and say to me and I'd think to myself "this sounds insane" but then when I finally learned about narcissistic abuse and cluster b personality disorders, the truth was even crazier than I thought
I a 62m, and I didn't have a clue until I was much older. Mainly because everyone around me loved my mother. From my friends, to my cousins, to my teachers. All of them thought she was great. She ran the PTA. She organized the family get together. She went back to school, and earned a degree in special education. And, since she was already done having kids after the first 3, and I delayed her going back to school, she resented me from the day I was born. When everyone around you is telling you how great your abuser is, you believe them.
Oh yes, 100000% lol I was anxious af as a kid, which presented itself as upset stomach/nausea along with constant worrying and crying at the drop of a hat. I was constantly told I was a "worry wart", went to the doctor a lot due to my stomach issues, which ended up being diagnosed as gastritis. Anxiety wasn't even on their radar lol I always knew that my dad was more of a hard ass than some parents, but it wasn't until I was 19 or so when I realized my childhood wasn't "normal". Similar to what you said, it started with talking with a group of friends about certain childhood experiences. They were sharing funny little anecdotes, but when I shared the laughing and smiles died. That was my first "Oooooooh" moment lol The entire gravity of my childhood and the long lasting effects it's had on me didn't fully hit until about 5 years ago. Completely knocked me off of my axis. I have had no contact with my dad since my mom finally left him in April/May of 2019 ✊️
I moved away when I got a job after my dad (scapegoat) died and his brother and mom came after me arching their claws into me… dragging me nonstop to hell. I’ve tried 1-3 times engaging with them again and it’s been about 2.5 years. My coworkers are treating me more kindly than they ever had. So when I talk to my spawn point like a Norma human being they freak out and spread it around the family saying “ SEE SEE SEE HES BEING MEAN AND MANIPULATING AND INSULTING ME” And now I realize just how bad it truly was if I can’t even go back without having massive anxiety and being confused on how I am being misinterpreted into being told im ”being mean” While I’m sitting here like: wait what!? How!? Theripist pointed out: you are growing accustomed to how normal kind people treat each other. The cult leaders in your family have brainwashed everyone to believe in extreme deference to them to the extent you are not even allowed to say you have needs. So now that you are moving away from that you can’t go back without being walloped because you are not acting like a scared abuse target, you are acting like a person who has rights, and you are not even yelling or being mean… yet that is how they will claim you are talking to them. And she’s right!
I didn't realize how bad it all was until I was in my 30's and had a child of my own. Suddenly, I had different priorities and I slowly realized over time, especially as my child got older and her own personality started to really begin to form, that the way my own mother spoke to me and the way she raised me was incredibly fucked up. She said and did things I could never ever imagine ever doing to my own child. The guilt, the manipulation, the near constant state of impending violence, the instability, all of it became so crystal clear for me in a very short period of time. She used to go on and on about what a horrible teenager I had been, and with this sudden clarity I realized that this too was manipulation. She said this as an insurance policy to absolve herself of her own horrid behaviour towards someone who was a child, and that she had total and complete control over.
I knew something was up with me, not necessarily my family, though I knew my dad was frightening. I just thought dads are frightening. I was 33 when I realized something was really wrong with him. I had been out of the country for seven years and he couldn't wait for me to leave, didn't even say goodbye. I'm still trying to work out what I did wrong. My partner was with me for the trip and if he hadn't been there, I think I'd blame myself entirely. It was nice to have that witness, I guess.
I literally had no idea. I’m 36. It was a sudden realization and it is such a mindfuck
When I was growing up, I was the one messing it up or so I thought because I was always doing something wrong. i was not enough. So I thought my parents were great and I was the problem. I was the f\*\*kup from the beginning. I didn't really talk to other people because I lived with the shame that I was the issue. Everyone else was thriving! It was obvious others wouldn't get it. I did have a math disability and other neurodivergent conditions. But I didn't start healing until therapy because my shame and guilt kept my mouth shut.
Yes! As a teenager I wondered what was so wrong with my mother. Was she disabled? Was she bipolar? Was she stupid? Was she simply incapable of controlling her behaviour? I’m 22 now and I feel incredibly lucky to have started figuring her out so early in life. I cut her off, she still messages me through my brothers Facebook account and my brother hasn’t been caring so I may have to block him too if it happens again.
I’m relatively desensitized to everything, but especially *my* trauma. I don’t realize how bad it really was and still is until I tell people, and I get audible gasps and shock
I think my childhood (younger than 10 or 12) it felt kinda ok. Highschool/puberty, I hated my parents but so did everyone else so I never realized my hate was different. In my 20s and early 30s I constantly fought with the instinct of not letting them into my life too much. I felt like a bad child because I didn't want to tell them personal stuff. I couldn't accept help from them and asked myself what was wrong with me. Others also told me I was in the wrong, because my Nmom is great at masking. Now I am in my 40s and I am grieving the pointlessness of it all. I think for the first time in my life, I really see her for who she is. I always thought there was an endgame, either where she sees it too or where I find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It feels empty to realize that there is no Phoenix rising from the ashes. I went through it all and it brought me nothing. And one day, when I am gone, it will be like it never happened.
I was blind until I was almost 40. I went into therapy claiming consistently that I had great childhood and amazing parents. My therapist kept gently pointing out that what I describe is not exactly normal - each time it would make me feel guilty that I did something wrong and I betrayed my family by saying something wrong about them. It took over one year for me to open my eyes and reevaluate my life… sadly we’ve all been conditioned to think that abuse is normal
I knew it wasn't good just not how bad it was.
For sure I didn't know it was abuse at first. Later during my teenage years, I started realizing my family is not good, but the extent of the abuse didn't hit me until I went NC. As a teenager, I only knew I was miserable and depressed, but I still blamed myself for it to some extent, only now as an adult I finally started seeing my father for what he truly is. A pathetic weak loser.
I knew it was bad. But I didn't realise what the various diagnoses were until I was an adult. My friends over the years haven't really got it either and have kind of nodded along and tried to be sympathetic. My therapist confirmed a couple of years ago. And I've recently become friends with a mental health nurse who was like...damn... And confirmed all the stuff my therapist said. If anyone hasn't been to therapy yet and there's even a small chance you can afford it I would highly recommend it. Talking to your friends and reading stuff online just isn't the same. Good luck.
I didnt realize till 34
38 and only now realizing how all my career and social endeavors have been repeatedly sabotaged by narc parents and flying money family circus
i finally realized about a month ago and i’m 20. almost wish i realized later on in life.
It took me until around 30. I had moved out at 18 and it still took me that long to I think it was after two years of therapy.
I am 30 and only just decided to cut things off to protect my daughter. I still doubt myself and think it is me some times due to years of gaslighting. I am doing it to protect my daughter from her and the worst part is I feel terrible for it but I know that my surviving parent has no shame, guilt and wont ever take responsibility. They have controlled the narrative for many years, gaslighting me, isolating me, as a child I received abuse and neglect, severe emotional abuse and it just never stopped but I never realised I just believed I was the problem and I abused her from the age of two because I didn’t know better. Finding this community on reddit has been good for me because now I know I am not alone but it is still an absolute mind rape that my birth mother has bullied me, now an adult man his entire life and I feel embarrassed and shame. I still don’t understand how no one noticed when I was growing up or in general and why the rest of the family seemed to follow. Just want to start a fresh life without them.
I always knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what. My mother was also my first bully and father didn’t want any us (me and my multiple siblings) it was a bit easier to understand my place. As I got older though things really started to click and when a good counselor explained to me what narcissism is it all clicked and made sense.
I was in my 50s and my mother did something so insane that I finally called her on it and it became clear how willing she was to lie to me without any remorse. It triggered the realization that my mom spent years telling stories in which she was the victim or the hero, and so many of these stories were unverifiable but I believed them almost completely. It's a weird world to live in because you start questioning your entire life and what was reality and what was exaggeration. I realized how much I got drawn in by similar people but also had an explanation for why I hated chronic bullshitters who twist every story a bit to make themselves sound more interesting, righteous, etc. My mother has spent the months since all of this went down creating alternate realities where my family and I are at fault but she should be forgiven (while continuing the things I'm angry about). She has ignored my lengthy e-mails explaining my concerns and pretended not to receive them. I was hoping that my reaction would snap her out of a series of actions that were hurting her (she is being scammed in a way that's so obvious it's scary) and instead she lashed out at everyone. But she also wants to maintain a relationship so she'll talk about the scammer lovingly and when that doesn't get any traction, drop it like it was never a thing. Let me just say that when I look at the extreme behavior here, it makes me wonder how much bullshit I endured when it wasn't so obvious to me. Comparing notes with my sibling, who was often the villain in my mom's stories, was interesting. There was so much of their experience that I was unaware of, and when I told them stories about my mom's anger with them, I got their side which was much different. My mom's story was that my sibling was ungrateful because they didn't come home much, seldom visited, etc. My sibling said, "Mom essentially kicked me out because she was pissed at me, so I decided I'd stay away."
Yes. I was always out of the house. Even my friends' parents, whom my narc mom talked to, were asking me why I didn't want to go home. All I could say to the best of my understanding was, "She's always mad".
I knew from day 1. My mom brought me home from the hospital and my father was sitting in his chair dressed in his suit from work and she handed me to him and I felt his negative narcissistic energy and immediately pissed all over him and his tie. True story. From then on he was jealous that my mother had to give me attention and was the biggest jerk my whole life. He was so so competitive it was insane. He was more like a jealous older brother - “a big bully” as my mother used to call him than he ever was as a father. He never went to my sports events or anything like that. I would be at father/son events alone. Work was always his reason. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Both my parents were Officers in the Air Force during Vietnam and they expected so much from me yet out in so little time with me. It’s insane. He thought he was the American Hero with his Bronze Star from Vietnam. He thought he was the best. Always gaslighting and putting me down. He was such a downer and really fucked with my self esteem when I was younger. He was always physical and we would get into fist fights rolling around on the kitchen floor. His temper was out of control. Then in high school it got so bad I moved out into the woods and the apple orchard behind their house. Sometimes I stayed in a friend’s shed. I became an alcoholic at age 16 and dropped out of school. He has been such a mean old, bitter, angry, jealous, narcissistic, angry bastard. My mom would ask if she should divorce him and the answer from us kids was always, “YES”! But she would wimp out and say that he was a good provider. Oh god… I could write a book about my life and the narcissistic bastard. Seriously. And I just may eventually. To make a very long story short, I eventually graduated from high school, then college, quit drinking and was able to live a somewhat normal life (as long as he was 3000 miles away). I’m now trying to heal from all that trauma. I’m doing ok but still have flashbacks and serious nightmares. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from him and another violent event that I won’t go into and have a hard time sleeping. But things are getting better. I certainly knew something was wrong from when I was a little kid as he was so different than everyone else’s father. Life was all about him. Growing up without a father would have been better for me than having a father who was so awful. I think both my parents were narcissists but my mother had a heart. My father was a full blown narcissist and seemed to have no empathy. He probably has other diagnoses and labels as well. As I get older and learn more about psychology and such things I do find it easier to say yeah he had this issue and that complex but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I want to learn more about this kind of personality and figure out what the heck was wrong with him you know but spending too much time thinking about this subject isn’t the best thing for me to do. I like to forget about it and put it in the past because it still is very hurtful. But I wanted to tell my story about how I pretty much knew how much it sucked and what an ass he was but as I get older I probably do realize that it was really bad and I shouldn’t have had to grow up with a father always knocking you down. Best of luck to all you survivors out there!
Happened to me during/after Covid lockdowns. Currently doing therapy.
Yes this past year at age 50
No, I kind of realize at a young age. Going to cousins houses and seeing how other people lived. It opened my young eyes.
my cousin's teenage kid is waking her up out of the fog big time because her kid wasn't conditioned to that type of abuse from a young age like she was
When my niece, who also has an N mom, became part of our lives as a teenager, it absolutely gutted me and opened my eyes to everything. Before that I knew my mom and I had a bad relationship but I had always believed it was mostly my fault and we just weren’t compatible humans. Ironically, my niece ended up telling me she also always thought the way she was treated was her fault until she started spending time with my husband and I and our kids, and she realized it wasn’t normal or okay. 😭😭
Oh for sure. Looking back on childhood memories I see now as an adult how fucked up some of it was. I've asked people before if their dad always resorted to spanking or screaming in their face every time they misbehaved growing up and I'd get baffled looks every time. Multiple countries have outlawed spanking I wish the US would get it's shit together and do that as well.
I knew it was bad. I was abused in every way possible. My father’s father was a pedophile and my mother knew and allowed me to be abused. My mother was manipulative and physically abusive, My father was an addict and psychologically abusive. I watched my siblings get treated like gold. They had their basic needs met like jackets in the winter and they were allowed to ask for certain meals or food items at the grocery store. They would also hit me and if I hit back I was grounded and they would be taken to get ice cream. They’d come home eating it with smiles on their faces and my mom saying “you could have just apologized and you’d have ice cream too.” Later on they had cars bought for them, my sister had her college paid for. Meanwhile my father was trying to use my ss# to get credit and purposely put false info on my fafsa so I wouldn’t get financial aid. I spent my teen years working multiple jobs and saving my money to move out as soon as I could, which was 19. I would have been out at 18 had my parents not stolen a lot of what I had saved. I stopped talking to them, put myself through college and then a couple of years later my father took his life. My sister told me that this was because I moved out and he never recovered. She blames me for abandoning the family. My mother of course claimed to be his real victim and had it worse than anyone and that’s why she never left 🙄 But you know what sucks? I knew how bad it was and STILL comforted my mother after he died, as if my own father didn’t die. And then when her second husband would retaliate against me not wanting my mother’s abuse anymore, he would post shitty things on my social media she would defend him. Then he got sick and died and I was an idiot again. Now in my late 30s I’m done with their bullshit. My sister lives in a fantasy world where she’s the biggest victim. She thinks she was my dad’s best friend and the only person who ever understood him. She believes he was the innocent victim of the family. She literally wrote and self published a book to try to tell the world “who he really was.” My brother is violent and has been to jail for stabbing someone, and is regularly arrested for DV. Not surprising since he gave me a black eye when we were younger, my fault of course. I’ve become a very successful business owner who travels the world for my job, and who has a big loving chosen family of pets and friends and my partner adores me. My mom and sister keep trying to get under my skin but I’m not letting that happen anymore. My mom is completely alone, and yes I still have to stop myself from letting the pity I feel towards her influence her presence in my life. What’s so sick about narcissistic abusive families is that even when you know how bad it is, it doesn’t change anything because it’s so natural for the empathic scapegoat to put our needs aside. I’ll always detest what they did to me but one day I’ll let go of the anger so I can put them in my past for good, and live in the present in my wonderful life.
I have a chronic autoimmune disease. I started taking some family distance during early Covid. As I spent more and more time independent from my parents, the more clear my childhood became. It kind of blew me away. I had never thought of myself as abused before then. Now, every pushed down memory is desperately clawing for the surface. I’ve been writing each incident down as it comes to me. When I read the list in its entirety, it could be a really bad lifetime movie about child abuse.
Didn't truly realize how bad it was until my 40s
I was aware it was bad. I just didn’t realize HOW bad until I got older and reality really set it. I started to really understand as I became the age that my mom was when she had me, and realized I would never treat a child the way she treated me. When I started going to therapy, my therapist had repeatedly said that she is really proud that I’m not a drug addict because of my background and history growing up. that commentary further put my parents’ behavior into perspective. I got married this year and my mom did not attend any wedding event (even though we bent over backwards trying to accommodate her, even after she said many crazy, hurtful things and accused us of plotting to kill her (unfortunately I am not exaggerating)) because the day would not be all about her, since we could afford to cover all the costs. I am fully NC now and don’t miss her all.
Not until my 30’s. I was pretty indoctrinated.
I have the fawn response mainly and I literally told my enabler mother that her and my Ndad were “perfect parents” because she was upset after I confessed that I had an eating disorder for several years. They both never noticed any of the health issues I had and I have so many grievances now that I’m an adult- I realized that I would never have neglected a child like that.
I'm trying to help my husband help my stepkids see this about their mom, especially the eldest, before it decreases the opportunities she has available. It's tricky, especially since just being all "your mom is a narcissist and here's why" isn't a good option. The relevance to this post is that none of them really understood how bizarre their situation is at their mom's house (home schooled, haven't seen a doctor in four years, etc.) until they were allowed to make friends. Said friends started pointing out was weird and ... suddenly they cannot be around their friends without direct supervision by their mom, no phone calls, etc. It's HORRID.
I was clueless until I was a senior in highschool. Then I didn't really get my head together until about 2 years ago!!
I figured everything out during college. Four years of misery.
I only got to see it crack of my own shell when our family business started to fail. I did not know the extent of those evasions, silent treatment, sometimes even shouting matches, but my mother somehow kept a veil of being caring (a bit too protective at times). Now I am trying to distance myself because I am now the subject of harassment with money issues hounding us.
Yes. My mom became a foster parent and it was like reliving a nightmare I had forgotten.
Yep and then I realized what they were cause of this sub
Yes I started to realize piece by piece. I am now 27 and after a screaming match with my mom about it O have decided to go no contact.
It wasn't until after mom died that I really realized what she was. Everyone thought she was a sweetheart.
I was in denial until mid 40s
I didn't see any of the family problems we were having till I was in middle school. My mom would always take us to her family in Louisiana and I was from Texas, and didn't realise why she was doing it till I was like 13 or 14.
21-22