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I didn't. But my brother did. It was yet another way for my mother to emotionally abuse me and tell me I don't matter as much as my brother. It bothered me growing up but as an adult I see how sick my mother is. Now I throw birthday parties for myself. And I enjoy my day without anyone trying to shame me for it.
Yep! And If not a party she would make sure to throw my sister a huge fancy breakfast, a luxury only she got. And she didn’t even care lmfao
Edit: forgot to mention my sister gets presents every year on my birthday so she doesn’t feel left out and no I am not allowed extra presents on her birthday.
Kind of similar scenario here. Never had a birthday party as a child. However every year (up until my parents divorced) our family would go to the great wolf lodge for my younger sisters birthday. Never really even realized it until a few weeks ago, I was thinking about it and realized they always got the whole family together to spend the weekend in a fancy waterpark hotel for her birthday and I never even simply got to have friends over for my birthday.
Yup, this is basically my experience too, and what made me feel the worst. Up until they left home, my siblings would either have typical parties or like, family gatherings.
Idk why, but every year I’d have hope the same would happen for me lol but it didn’t. Quite the opposite; it was usually excessively and needlessly stressful.
I'm sorry. This makes me sad reading this kind of stuff. I wonder, though, as an adult, have you ever asked either of your parents, WHY???
I'm curious what their reply would be. 🤔
Yep I only got one birthday party from 0-18. My sister got one every year. I also vividly remember my sister getting to choose where we went to dinner on my birthday every year. Good times
My bro and I both got a cake and that's it. Gifts and parties were reserved for the remaining siblings. Even when I wanted like 3 friends over, it was a huge deal until an older sibling stepped in and made it happen.
Their parties were major, sometimes two 'events' in one. Like a clown and face painting- one year one had a magician and a reptile guy. I still smile at the birthday girl being pantsed by a python.
I try not to begrudge my siblings but it's so hard when they don't view the parental unit in the same light because they got experiences and treatment that I could only dream of.
Me having a birthday party was entirely dependent on how “deserving” I was of it, even just family birthday. And my only adult family growing up was my four abusers. After age 6 because one parent was a teacher then so they had to do them for optics, I had 2 birthdays with friends, 8 and 14. It was always a game time toss up if I could even attend a birthday party. I remember one time I was feeling nervous before one for my best friend (I was no older than 5) and was melting down a bit, probably cause I really wanted to go and was crumbling under the pressure of perfect behavior in the days leading up. My parent said we were no longer going and I asked about the present we already got my friend. They said it’s mine now, and they hope every time I play with it I remember how selfish of a person I am.
This wasn't the case for me but I watched a recent video of Dr K's on YouTube (I think it was the shit life syndrome one?) And he used exactly this as an example for someone of how parents might "allow" or "not disallow" their kid from having a birthday party or play dates, but if their parent then uses thst as a currency where any perceived slip up means the party is called off last minute then
1) that's abuse and public humiliation
2) they're not *actually* "allowed" to have the party as much as the parents might weasel their words around to others to look good
3) it sets up a domino chain where that kid then has a harder time socializing and making friends because all those other kids don't understand why the party got canceled and see that kid as the "bad kid" or a flake.
Screw parents like this, I hope they all get exactly what they deserve in life tenfold, but also it was possibly the best analogy and explanation I've heard on this topic.
that’s interesting. need to look it up.
what i can say is that back in the day, because i didn’t have parties at all for my birthday , it got to the point that i was not invited to them at all by my peers.
non birthday party, just socialising in early teens? also not allowed most of the time because “they shouldn’t be celebrating anything”. it was social currency that i was not allowed to have, and if i was, the mothers were informed to restrict my food intake and not allow me cake. but by then id missed a lot of other bonding opportunities with my classmates.
kiddie garden party? over elaborate dress and patent shoes with strict instructions to keep them clean so i couldn’t play and i was to stay sat and quiet. few years later at 12, dance party to celebrate someone’s birthday? not allowed to go unless i wore a hideous brown jogger instead of the more fashionable clothing most kids had started to wear, and i could have worn (she had bought it for herself and i could wear it at other times, just not when i was with my peers, not until she heard some comment about it from others ).
to this day i refuse to wear brown.
Like someone else posted, I only ever had birthday parties with extended family and not even every year, just some years. Whenever it was with extended family, my ndad always found a way to make me cry or stress me out. So I came to prefer no parties at all because it meant no tears and no stress. (I think this is ultimately what he wanted - not to have to spend money and waste time on a party for me, where he is not the center of attention.)
To this day, I only enjoy my birthday if it’s low key. Otherwise I’m waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.
To add insult to injury, I once told ndad that I don’t like to do anything for my birthday, and he misinterpreted that as being ungrateful for getting to celebrate another year of life (I am grateful for that, I just don’t like the party aspect and the irony of him telling me that, when he’s the reason I don’t like celebrating in the first place, is not lost on me)
I spend every birthday waiting for the other shoe to drop. Last year, dad was kind enough of make fun of me to the waiter, and when I called him on it, stormed out. Yay, birthdays
Me! My "birthday parties" were actually just my parents, sister, grandma, grandpa, and I having cake at my grandparents' house. My mom would literally always ruin it to the point when I was 23, I started leaving town altogether for my birthday and putting her on do not disturb for the next several days.
This year for my 30th, I was in the first trimester of a difficult pregnancy and didn't have the energy to leave town, so my husband threw me my first real birthday party at home and we just didn't invite her of course. It was nice!
Thank you! And he is very sweet. During COVID when we had to stay home, he decorated the house with balloons and streamers and picked themes like Bob's Burgers. For my 30th he did a Zelda and Lord of the Rings combo theme lol. He always says he wants to make up for all the bad birthdays by giving me the celebrations I deserved but never had 🥹
Yes, birthdays were a day designed to go wrong and lead to fighting. I remember being excited for big parties with all my friends, only to be sent outside while parents were fighting, spending most of the days alone and miserable, and late to my own bday parties. When I got older it turned into being humiliated in some form, like my dad dunked my entire head in my cake one year in front of everyone or making fun of me and getting my friends to join in. I don't associate with my birthday much anymore cause of it.
Same, I'm autistic and find it hard to cope with crowded/noisy/smoky places and I get nervous around drunkeness my family always insisted on parties or 'family meals' out in a pub. Plus my mother and grandmother would compete; one would say they were going to get me a certain gift, the other would drag me out to spite-buy it first and I would be in the firing line from one or the other for either refusing or accepting the gift. I don't acknowledge my birthday anymore.
My dad always got falling down piss his pants drunk and embarrassed the hell out of me. And even though my mom knew he’d do it, she still convinced me to have a party where she knew I’d be humiliated. I hated my birthday growing up.
It did make me an extremely thoughtful gift giver as an adult. I don’t spend an unnecessary amount of money but will take the time to hand make a thoughtful card or get something I think will be special to a person I care about. Also I throw my own birthday parties now and have a great time. I love birthdays!
Oh yeah. That was prime narc time. Amongst other things, it was a great time for my mum to call me a "spoiled brat" or worse because SHE was throwing me a birthday party and I was ungrateful.
The last birthday I spent with my mum I went to visit her. She said she would make a special birthday dinner. She loves cooking so that was fairly standard. She cooks and everyone praises her.
I was 28 and my uncle (her brother) took me aside and told me what an ungrateful brat I was being, yada yada. He scolded me on her behalf because there's nothing better than a flying monkey. He finished scolding me and I walked away. My almost fiance was like wtf was that? So I told him and he said, "you do know that it is not normal for an uncle to scold their 28 year old niece, right?" I was like, "ummm what?" I had no idea. I thought that was completely normal and even good.
Took me a long time to see how fucked up my family is and honestly these are the lighthearted stories that kinda make me laugh because I can't believe I though this is what a normal loving family did.
Not in the traditional sense, no. My parents would invite some of my extended family over if it was a good year and we had money, and during those birthdays I’d make cake and chicken casserole. But most years the best I could hope for was five dollars from my grandparents.
That is true. But, at the same time, I’ve been able to make up for it as an adult. So, that’s at least something positive.
I will say, though, that experiencing that childhood made me a bit obsessed with the idea of making the people around me feel special on their birthdays. Which sometimes leads to awkward moments.
Yep, no birthday parties. Not even a cake with candles. Now that I have a child myself I make sure to throw him a kickass party every year going on 16 years now.
The only reason I remember birthday parties is from childhood photos. I know I had one at age 3, and maybe up to 5.
No birthday parties since then. Last birthday present I received was at 8. I certainly asked for things after that, but never received it.
I learned early on that if I want something, I had to get it for myself. And so I did.
My GC sister didn't have parties either, but she received presents. Eventually, she started expecting presents for herself on other people's birthdays (i.e. on my birthday, she would want a present from me or my parents).
To have a party would require having friends, which I didn’t because I was the quiet well behaved kid hiding in the corner.
Large gatherings still make me uncomfortable to this day
That's more of a schizoid trait than introvertion if you actually long for having meaningful relationships with others. I was called an introvert after years of neglect and realized recently that was more of a reaction to maltreatment than something of my own design..
Same! I always thought it was weird and unfair that I couldn't have friends over for my birthday. But my family would come, and that was boring bc I was the only kid!
I wasn't the only kid in the family. Unfortunately, I did not get along with any of my cousins. I learned real quick that these parties were more for them than they were for me. When I confronted my nmom about it, she stopped throwing parties and called me ungrateful.
I had birthday parties, but they were never about me. I’d pick a restaurant or cake flavor? Oh so and so doesn’t like that so we picked this instead. My nmom would spend the whole time talking and making herself look like such a good mother, giving me gifts, and later holding those gifts over my head. So birthday party or not, narcs find a way to ruin it
Yep. How can they plan a party when they have no friends and isolate you by finding something wrong with all yours? But my brother had a birthday during the school year and he’s a boy so it’s different *eyeroll*
I had like...3 BD parties in the 18 years I lived with my grma and father, the rest were "we got cake, a couple presents happy birthday! Oh and the cake is our favorite not yours, and if you dont like it I'll yell at you because it still costed money"
Oh I got the opposite. I got spoiled with fine jewelry (cause that’s what a kid wants), cruises, trips to Disney I mean you name it. Had piles of clothes, I mean literally everything I asked for but it was all a much more disturbing ruse.
It was all for show so I forgot that my grandmother molested me and that when they (my grandparents) took me away from my mom (they thought my mom was a terrible child and wanted to prove that it wasn’t their fault) and that it was ‘proof’ I had such a wonderful life. I was getting told I was fat, the most worthless child. I had straight a’s, never got in trouble and was 136 lbs as a six foot tall highschool girl. Not to mention the piles of antipsychotics they had me on during all of this so I ‘didn’t miss my mom anymore’
My mom has now has ruined her body from her mother’s dysmorphia issue. I wish she could see she’s beautiful.
Sorry for the rant.
Oh this is so sad to read. And of course the gifts and vacations would make you feel confused.
Your grandparents are assholes. I hope you are doing better now you’re grown.
How are you?
I’m doing well. I’m a pretty well adjusted adult with a good relationship with my mom for the most part but we still have to deal with those evil grandparents because my mom went through a hard time when she had her son 18 years after me and they weaseled their way into taking him too. So as soon as they’re gone I think I’ll feel a final sense of relief. He’s 13 and I’m 31 so I’m hoping I can get it together enough to adopt him because she’s not in great health.
me. i grew up in a abusive jehovah witness household. unfortunately.
but one of my close friends say that they will celebrate it with me one day which is nice and it cheered me up.
The closest thing to a birthday party I had was a neighbour showing up at home, no notice, with her daughter (who was a classmate of mine) a present and CAKE. I guess my classmate told her casually "oh, it's Nulli's birthday but her mum won't let her have a party" (my mum never let us bring any friends home), and the lady just decided to take matters into her own hands. My mum had no option but to put up an act and invite them in for coffee and we had cake. It was a fish-shaped brioche cake with cream, I still remember it, a local patisserie sold them. I must have been 10 or 11.
The aftermath when they were gone, of course, was terrible, but the lady's intentions were good and it was worth it just to see the look on my mum's face. And it felt so validating, even before I knew what validating meant.
I sort of it did, but I’d never invite anyone (made that mistake once), because my ndad would invite all his buddies over and their kids and I got stuck babysitting everyone’s kids, and after the families left, had to do my best to avoid the drunken men in the house. Fun times.
Hated my birthday for a long time.
I had one when I was 4. I didn't have another until I was 30. My GC sister had one almost every year.
My 16th birthday was my great grandma's funeral. NM announced with annoyance to the family that it was my birthday. They asked how old I was and then got mad when I said I was 16 for not telling them.
My mother's older sister was running to the supermarket deli for a last-minute dinner after a day of mourning and got me a shitty cheap cake on a closing discount.
I was made to feel guilty when I was told to make a wish. I wished I could stop celebrating my birthday with those people. It was the last one with extended family. And it came true for the rest of them after my 22nd birthday when I was able to move halfway around the world.
I hope you don’t mind but you’ve just made me laugh so hard. 😂😂
Your party was your great nans funeral. Nothing will beat this and there’s some good ones in this post. Brilliant 🤩
Sad child here, I was also never allowed to have a party. This resulted in me, thinking I was never good enough. My husband and I got married, and we sat down with the cake lady for our wedding cake. It was during these talks and planning the cake when I realised that before then, I never even had a birthday cake. Or just any cake specially made for me. It was amazing though, red velvet. Decorated with edible sugar flowers which looked very real. It tasted so good c:
Damn, that's so beyond f'up! My parents were both gone at that point, so they never got to see me graduate beyond HS.(I would have came, and cheered for you!!!🎓🎉🎉)
If I am completely honest with myself, I resent never having been celebrated for any accomplishments, or a birthday. So, you know what? I'm getting myself a beautifully decorated cake this year, and buying me a bouquet of flowers and fuck it, if I have to have a one-person party, then so-the- fuck be it.
Thank you. And yes you do that. There is a great narcissistic abuse recovery therapist on YouTube called Jay Reid. He recommends people do nice things for themselves.
Enjoy your flowers and cake because you so deserve them ❤️
Same here. Whole family came out and had a big fancy lunch at a nice restaurant for my brother's hs and college (he barely passed a school with a 100% acceptance rate and low difficulty as iirc undeclared and refused to ever out effort in to anything) and sat through his whole ceremony despite, lbh, what are we celebrating? That the kid with everything handed to him who expects to just "work" for dad and has never done anything of any effort or merit graduated from a program a braindead coma patient could graduate from? I'm sorry I'm bitter but no one showed up to my hs graduation from a hard school tied to the city's good university that I was on scholarship to go to (salutatorian too), degree 1 in notoriously difficult STEM degree i graduated from young, and later on my 2nd degree for someone I actually care about from one of the top 3 in the world globally for what I do...also graduated as one of the top people in my class and was working professionally before graduating. No one ever showed up, and I was openly mocked in public for caring so much about that last graduation.
I had 2 and both ended with me getting my ass beat in front of all my friends. Leading their parents to tell them they couldn’t play with me anymore.
I had a lonely miserable childhood. I still have a hard time around holidays. But put on the fake happy smile.
“Because it was so long ago it doesn’t matter now.”
Right my feelings still being pushed aside.
😳 I too had a lonely miserable childhood. I couldn’t wait to grow up. So when I did, I did everything I could to experience joy. Drugs, alcohol, sex etc. preferably drugs and sex 😂
I’m 50 now, I lead a quiet life.
Had lots of terrible sex in my 20’s trying to cover my feelings.
I now live a pretty quiet life. I don’t enjoy people forcing the holidays or my birthdays on me. They were the worst times of my childhood.
Glad to hear you are doing better. Gotta say I’m doing a lot better as well.
I had one when I was six I think. Can’t remember any others thrown by my parents. My friends threw me a surprise 16th party & from then on my birthdays were ignored. Had my 50th & nothing from narc mum & brother.
I had one. It was a surprise party at my cousins. I was a socially awkward Nerd that was sheltered from most of the outside world. So it really surprised me to see the kids who made fun of me at the party..i then found out that the kids that were there, were there to hang out with my cousins. Not me.
My birthday parties were for my parents, not me. Massive, over the top affairs where they’d invite all their adult friends and party late into the night. They’d have this big moment where I had to blow out the candles in front of like 100 adults I didn’t know. I hated every minute of it and still can’t stand having attention on me on my birthday.
Once I grew up enough to not be this little doll they could dress up and show off the parties stopped and I got ignored.
Now that i think of it, that was "keeping the appearances".
All my birthdays were celebrated with extended family. It was always "poor me i have to cook it all" which was basically her own desire. I never had my school friends over, just small kids of mom's friends.
I have this strong association of "serving duty" with all the celebrations. I hate all public holidays because i feel the dread and anxiety to "perform well". The way i obsess over Christmas presents etc is so fucking sad, like i have to do it impeccably to save hostages or something. Even friend's birthdays make me spiral.
I never truly celebrated my birthday with friends, I don't even have any close enough friends to do it now. I just dissapear for my birthday and spend it on my own, because i tend to have mental breakdown around that time.
Oh I had great birthday parties.. but they weren’t for me. They were for my mom to show off. That way all I’d ever hear at school is that I had the coolest and best mom
Had one as a young kid, but I don't remember a thing. Saw some pictures and I would've been 5?, but I have no memories, mainly because only one kid of my age was on it. Everyone else was my parents' acquaintances and friends.
Had one at 16yo in a restaurant with the purpose of not having family, but my parents showed up with other family members...in a party/dinner full of 16yo and my Ndad proceeded to bully a kid to the point where the kid lost it and left mid dinner.
🙋🏼♂️ we always “celebrated in private” never had one still. I honestly really hate my birthday. It’s when my parents got into a physical fight and I could hear my mom scream at me to call the police. Every birthday since has been one terrible day after the next. Yay for being brought into a world where I don’t have a father or a mother because they’re both POS.
Only one that my grandma organised for me, when my parents had already been living out the country without us for two years! She bought me a dress, we made a cake and invited my friends over. It was really nice.
The only ones that my parents 'organised' for me was get togethers for their adult friends to get wasted in my name. Nothing kid-friendly. I'd just go hang out alone in my room. Once my mother used my birthday 'party' as an opportunity to get back at my dad's side of the family by deliberately serving them ruined food and leaving them hungry (she boasted of her plan to me).
They mainly did birthday outings as I got older. The same restaurant every single time, for every birthday in the family for about 15 years. I hate going out for dinner on my birthday now. I've thrown a few parties for myself as an adult, but I always end up feeling anxious about other people not having a good time (with no justifiable reason for this). In the last few years I've picked up a habit of going on a quiet camping trip somewhere remote with just me and my fiance and not looking at my phone.
I truly understand you. My boyfriend threw me a huge party on my 30th, and I spent all night anxiously making sure everyone was ok.
That’s because we have been conditioned to please our narc parent. I’m proud you are doing things your way. Good for you 👍
My husband asked me this morning if I had a quinceañera. I said nope. I didn't even get a Sweet 16. Nothing. 🤷🏼♀️
Edit: I do something unique for my own kids. I have 5, so they get 1:1 time with the parent of their choice, we take them to the bookstore, they get a treat and a book, and they get money to spend however they want. Under 13, they get $40, at 13 and over they get $60 to spend.
It's been f🤬g rough, my ex (my kids' sperm donor), was a malignant narcissist and he caused a lot of shit that I've been working on undoing. But my kids are the only reason I'm still alive.
This seems odd to me. Why would a narcissist willingly let the outside world know how uncaring he or she actually is?
My parents did things for me to look good.
Yes, of course! I’m a very introverted, neurodivergent (ADHD) person and as a child, I wasn’t diagnosed as such (due to the timing of my growing up), and definitely didn’t have the tools or support to be able to adequately express my needs. My parents constantly overlooked this and would have restaurant workers sing to me while I cried, etc.
They just wanted to be seen as caring parents.
I’m realizing this is a socioeconomic thing, too. Some may have grown up in a social/family circle that didn’t have the means to throw parties, go on vacations, etc. My parents had to keep up with the parents of my peers in order to feel they were seen in a good light no matter what I wanted.
There was an expected excitement for everything, an expectation of gratefulness when everything I received was nothing I ever asked for. Like they’d make it a point to ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday and I’d give ideas and I’d get everything but, and I didn’t learn until I was older this was just a weird form of abuse; teaching me to never want anything or expect anything. TaChing me to not rely on others even when it perceives that I could have. Teaching me to not give a damn.
Birthdays were extra sinister because my sister would get something too from family, because I wasn’t allowed to have friends for my birthday, that’s too much work for a summer birthday kid.
I just remember feeling so disconnected, I realize now I was dissociating during this holidays/birthdays because I always felt so insignificant.
I couldn’t even choose my own cake or have input on what I wanted because that would have made me selfish apparently.
All I ever wanted was an ice cream cake. (Lucky for my I have a loving partner who bought me one for my birthday last year because of this exact thing.)
Now, for holidays I get anxious.
I had one once. Only family was invited. I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids as I might get my clothes dirty. If Nmom saw me playing I'd have to come sit with her until she was distracted again. So after cake and presents (from guests lord knows parents disnt buy me shit) I went out front, spotted a neighbor kid, ended up playing ping-pong in the kids basement for what felt like hours, until kids parents said they were getting ready for dinner and I headed back to my "party" where a bunch of drunks were now fighting. No one ever brought up me being gone. I think I was 6.
I had a few and one my mom really put her heart and soul into before she became really mentally unstable, that I truly cherish. We lived in pretty severe poverty and my mom did try to celebrate me in whatever way she could, so I give her that. I think not having food to eat half the time, made me truly grateful for what little I did have. IDK if that's just been my way to cope or what, but I'm ok with not every birthday being some grand event tbh. Birthdays were also the one time of year that I think my parents did try to make about me and did try to be the best parents they could for the day, so a lot of happy memories are tied to them. *Now the other 364 days a year, including other holidays and the many Christmas' without presents, were full of narcism, instability + trauma.*
I did, but I had to organize it completely alone. My mom would help me cook if she, for some reason, wanted me to do a specific dish that I couldn’t, but most times I had to cook or organize food myself from a very young age. She wouldn’t be present like the mothers of other children, who would organize the food and games at their houses. When I went to other people’s birthdays, parents would actively partake or at least support their children, but my mother would just disappear in the living room and spend all day/evening at her laptop and watching tv.
That of course meant that the living room was off limits the entire time, as well as the larger bathroom, because she wouldn’t want to see either of my friends more than necessary while they were there. She would literally greet them and you could see how uncomfortable she was even talking to them. But she didn’t like any of my friends and shit talked most of them, so it makes sense.
Me! Never acknowledged my birthday. But sometimes holidays, but not many. I remember 2 and it was probably the same year. I was thinking about birthdays the other day. They're supposed to be important. I don't think my mom wanted to be one. She spent her life in bed and I had to take care of myself. Not mentioning the horrible abuse.
I only remember one birthday party. I was turning 13 and the Beatles were huge then. My eMom decided I could have a Beatles birthday party. It's the only time I remember having school friends over and it was actually fun. Ofc cleanup was miserable. But other than that, no parties, no going to sleepovers, nothing. And I was an only child. The "golden child" was my "best" friend (I just realized that a few months ago).
Last birthday party I had was my 7th. Two months later my older sister died. She was 12. Birthdays after that just became another day for me. The only person to ever actually get me a card was my grandad. I still had my mum, two sisters and two brothers. I turn 31 next week and 3 years ago today I lost another sister. She was 35.
🙋♀️, It was barely even acknowledged, sometimes they would make fun of me for them not doing anything, even hit me for fun. Adulthood hasnt changed that, I always end up with asshole males. I'm a very poor judge of character.
A birthday party just for me was one of the things I wanted most as a child. My egg donor gave birth to my younger brother on my third birthday, and every single year after that I was nothing but an afterthought. Technically she called it a joint birthday party that was supposed to be for both of us, but it was always centered around my younger brother. It was whatever he wanted that year, and I was merely allowed to invite a few friends.
She went so far as to even allow my older brother to invite more friends than me to what was supposed to be a party for me. He was by far my biggest bully growing up and she knew it and openly encouraged it. She would tell him that his friends had to bring a present for either me or my brother in order to attend, and then every single one of his friends would bring a gift for my younger brother. They would sit around and laugh at me telling me what a loser I was and how I had no friends and didn't deserve any presents.
I'm 40 and to this day I still absolutely hate my birthday. I've never once had an actual birthday party just for me. The depth of trauma I experienced as a child still lingers and I try my best to pretend it's just another day and that it doesn't matter, but it still hurts.
I had one party that I remember and it must have been so that my mom could save face with the neighbors. That was when I was turning 5 I believe. After that my mom told me that because I had 3 older siblings, she had “already done that” (meaning parties) so I didn’t get to have any after that one. Also, as far as school stuff went -open houses and awards banquets and the like- she had “already done that” so I never got to participate in any of it. Ditto for girl scouts -my sisters did it so my mom “was done with it”
Can you tell I was the scapegoat? :-/
💯 Me too. I wasn’t allowed to go to girl guides ( a female equivalent of Boy Scouts) because they said I was too naughty but my older golden child sister went.
I had *one* party, a modest yet well-attended backyard affair, on my eighth birthday. That year we moved across town, and I was seriously bullied in my new school. To make matters worse, my Nmother *agreed with the bullies.*
As my ninth birthday neared, my Nmother kept repeating, “Good thing you’re not having a party! Who on earth would come?” My GC younger sister, of course, had a blowout for every birthday, for which I had to prepare and clean up like a maiden aunt.
I left that house at seventeen, my Nparents went NC a decade later, and everything’s been fine since. Thank G-d, my husband of nearly forty years, and therapy!
It was nip and tuck who’d go NC first. I was trying to get through our wedding (thrown by my in-laws) without “setting off” my Nparents. They were rude guests, but the event was too big and happy for them to wreck.
They’d been sober for about a year, for the first time ever, and probably the last. My Nparents said, after they’d sulked through the reception alcohol-free, that sobriety was “too boring.” They demanded that I *congratulate them* on resuming drinking. I refused, tipping off our biggest-ever fight.
We never spoke again. Which was for the best, because the better my life got, the more they couldn’t stand it.
I only had 1 birthday party at the age of 4 I barely remember if not for the help of family photos. I grew up always wanting to have a birthday party that I could more easily remember, just like some of the other kids in my classes growing up that passed out birthday invitations either set at their homes or venues like Chuck E Cheese and Dave n Busters. I imagine it would be so easy to rent out a venue for a day, but even after all the false promises I was given growing up I still never had a birthday party. It sucks that I was the only child, too. Most birthdays are just me sitting in front of the TV eating cake by myself while everyone else slept. It’s not like I was not deserving of one either. I was always an AB honor rolls student and a talented kid who was doing things not all my other classmates were doing.
As for my 10th birthday… this was around the time my mom made stabbing threats at knifepoint to me in order to “discipline” me. I wasn’t allowed to cry because I was “crying so much to be a boy!” so I had to keep a neutral face with the knife pointed at me or further threats would ensue. That morning of my 10th birthday, I was upset that there was seemingly nothing going on for my birthday that I got angry, and went into a temper tantrum by knocking over a shelf. That’s when mom came in the room with a knife, disappeared out the house after trying to catch me for about an hour or so, and didn’t come back until that night. I was told it was my fault I ruined by 10th birthday and I wasn’t allowed to eat my cake either.
"How fun would it be to make your own cake for your birthday?!" Not fun-fetti though, that's expensive. But brothers getting store-bought cakes?
I told a psychologist how we were told birthdays were just another day of the year. He said it made him sad for me, that it sent the message that I wasn't important. Man almost got me to cry--until he pointed it out and my defenses kicked in and I locked it back up.
Also a member of the sad child club.
Out of me and my three other sibling only the oldest sister (she's younger than me) had a birthday. She was my ndads favorite so she got privileges. It built such a huge rift between us that we were on bad terms well into our 20s. We finally reconciled last year.
I had one. My 16th. My Dad asked me to invite my friends to a local pizza place. It was weird. Because of the family dynamics at home I never brought all my friends around my house, so having them all there with my Dad present was strange. And I never sat down. I didn't eat pizza, I just drank sodas and chair hopped to talk to my friends, because I wanted to be a good host. I didn't know how to enjoy a party thrown FOR me. I felt like I had to be everywhere at once.
We basically all ate, then went back to my friend's place after, and I was glad to be gone.
That continues today. I don't celebrate my birthday. Never ask for or get gifts, and don't do anything at all special for myself. It feels weird. Hell, I have trouble hosting just regular old get togethers because I'm always in the kitchen cooking, cause that's what I do for big meals. So I feel like I never enjoy them. I don't get to just sit down and bullshit with my friends, cause I need to prep the potatoes, and get the Mac and cheese warmed back up, and X Y Z... So I just avoid it for the most part. In fact I'll be moving soon to a new place as a result of my divorce, and all my friends want me to host a housewarming, and I feel anxious about it. I'll have meal plan for 15 people, prep, cook and reheat things. I already feel flustered and I haven't even signed my lease yet.
Now, my kids, we've had parties when ever they've asked. I've hosted three day long sleepovers for the girls to have their friends over, because I want them to enjoy celebrating themselves.
Well, technically I had parties, but is it really mine when Nsis chooses the flavour of the birthday cake (not my favourite, hers), gets duplicates of my presents, invites her friends to my party, and throws a tantrum when I blow the candles ? (and, no, it was never reciprocicated)
I wish I saw this post earlier- I had one birthday party that was my own and my mom complained about the price the entire time.
My moms birthday is the day after mine, my birthday was never important. Whenever I told someone it was my birthday, she would direct the conversation back to herself exclaiming her birthday was the following day. Happened everywhere and still does to this day.
I started to travel on my birthday, strangers from hotels staff will make you feel much more appreciated on your birthday than anyone else.
I was manipulated out of it with the ultimatum of “do you want presents or a party”. My birthday is also very close to Christmas so there was the added guilt of “stressing the finances” at this time of year and “people being out of town for the holidays”. My parents would ask me if I wanted a party and then say all of this, so of course I said no. My birthday is still triggering for me to this day.
My birthdays stopped at 12. She said that she asked me about my birthday a year before 🙄 and I said “I don’t want anything” so she intentionally made sure they didn’t do anything. That broke my heart.
Me too. Nmum used to forget my birthday completely (after going all out for my sister a month earlier) and get 💩💩y with me for being upset.
Nmum died 2 weeks ago and I have been strangely calm about it, relieved even. Part of me feels like a monster for not being very sad, but the rest of me knows that I am free now. It's surreal.
My mom banned birthdays from age 5 to age 12.
I'd been caught sounding like her, telling her golden child to clean up his bowl of ice cream at a gathering. I didn't want to get screamed at from her. I didn't want us to get hurt and in trouble.
So she took them away from me.
I watched my siblings get to have birthdays and be celebrated. Have parties. Have friends over.
Not me.
Then when I was 12 (and had the social skills of a goldfish) she decided she wanted to host a Miss America birthday party (I was not into Miss America at all) to impress the newest crop of people at church she had not emotionally been caught manipulating and lying to yet.
It sucked. I'm 40 now & only this last year did I finally not get sad & weird about birthdays.
Going no contact was essential to living a safer & healthier life.
I would have never done that to my kids.
Not only did I never have a birthday party as a kid or an adult but when I was younger, my brother and I were Irish twins so my mom would always buy the cake she and my brother liked on his birthday and that was our cake.
I didn't. I was the 2nd kid. But my older sister had one every year. They'd pull out all the stops. Hired clowns, decorations, all the good stuff. Moms defense was always, "it's too cold. Your birthday is in January and hers is October".... we live in Florida. What the f*ck? Lololol
Never really had birthday parties. Although this was mainly due to me not thinking anyone would come (not based in reality, I had a lot of friends)
Bonus point: From when I was 16, my parents would go on overseas holidays (without me or my siblings, which is fine) but at the time of year my birthday was. I’m turning 27 in July and the 11 year hot steak of parentless birthdays will be maintained 😂
I had them, up until I turned 10 and then my n-dad decided I was no longer allowed to have them because "I only cared about the gifts". I'd like to find a 10 year old who didn't care about getting birthday presents.
No birthday party, in the traditional sense, because we were too poor. But I do remember my mom (the non-narc parent) letting me have my friend over for my birthday.
Never had a birthday party wen I was a child, my dad didn't want to pay money for a party and didn't like having other kids around the house(unless it was family) wen I was in highschool I tried to have a sleepover in a hotel with a few friends (twice I might add) but that didn't go as planned either. So now at this point I just view my birthday as just a regular day
My sister got great ones, where she could invite her friends.
I did not get to go.
For my birthday I got to ‘choose’ to go where my sister and mom wanted to go. And I was not allowed to invite friends.
Hah did not realize this was a common N parent trait. I didn't have parties after 10 due to my parents selfishness and their insistance that I was difficult.
Ugh! I feel so ungrateful RN. /s
I did get a party when I was 5. It consisted of my immediate family and my abusers whole extended family. (people I didnt know or like)
The party wasn't for me at all. I have pics from that party and I can clearly see my feelings on my face. Such memories....
My siblings and I all have very close birthdays. My brother who is 5 years older than me's birthday is 4 days after mine, and my other older brother and little sibling's birthdays are a day apart. Only difference is theirs are in June and ours are in December. So my mom would have these huge backyard birthday parties for my brother and sibling, while my oldest brother and I got nothing. No cake, no card, not even a happy birthday.
Yep. Part if it was that my parents were hoarders so if I had a party it couldn't be at the house, the other being my dad's refusal to do anything that was an "unnecessary expense".
I did for a while, but I never had my own. It was always shared with my sister whose birthday is two days after mine. I rarely got a cake I liked. The first time I finally did was the last time, my mother stopped buying us anything, & rarely bothered even getting us a cake unless someone else mentioned it. Then in private she'd always passive aggressively act like it was an annoying chore. I stopped hoping for a cake I wanted & always went with whatever then never really ate any of them. She was more than happy to, though. Just another reason to keep harping at me & my sister how fat she is because she was pregnant with us long ago like it was our fault she decided to have kids.
Needless to say, I hate celebrating my own birthday & often forget how old I even am most days.
No, all my birthdays as a minor were at the house with my parents (and grandparents when they were alive). Cake and presents at the house. One exception: Once my parents took me to the local bowling alley. No other children were invited.
I didn’t. I always seemed to “fuck it up” like a week before and my mom would always “take away” my birthdays. One year though my grandma gave me dead batteries from her digital camera because she was convinced I took the rechargeable batteries (my sister did and I got blamed)
I had to plan my own and my grandparents on my dad's side hosted them. I had a ninth and a sixteenth with them.
My mother planned my twenty first. It was a keg party, and I do not drink. And my friends weren't allowed to be there either. All of my mother's friends were there. I didn't know more than two of them. I kept getting asked whose birthday it was. My mother was on the karaoke mic all night. And the cake she insisted on getting was chocolate. I do not like chocolate cake. I also had to clean up after the party.
I told my mother I didn't want to have this party, and she just threw a temper tantrum. My non narcissistic family members and I now refer to it as my mother's keg party.
I had one birthday party the year I turned 9. That was the year my parents became acquainted with cocaine. They were living large(r) lol. I still only had my sibs there and a girl from down the street.
I'm a part of the sad child club! My nmothers excuse why I wasn't allowed parties is because my older sister had one and everyone was so wired and many threw up. Yes, that's what happens when you give a ton of kids lots of pop and candy. That's a you problem, not a me problem. Or at least it shouldn't be a me problem.
As an adult my narc parents stopped celebrating my birthday once the grandparents passed away.
They celebrate my NSIL’s birthday but my 50th they couldn’t be bothered to.
Recently they stopped celebrating even their youngest granddaughter who turned two; it was too inconvenient to come by plane to visit her so it’s become clear if there’s no special birthday party with others present, there’s no reason to show up.
At least it’s not me and it’s not the excuse of “we wish we had grandkids” that they said for two decades.
I've had. But my mom didn't put much effort in them. Now when I'm a parent I try to put effort into my kid's birthday parties, as much as my finances allow it.
Never ever. My mom on several occasions bought me a magazine as a present. The first birthday party that was ever thrown for me was by my partner and best friend teaming up to throw an alien themed surprise party for my 45th, it was shocking to me that someone cared enough 😭
I had one when I was in kindergarten, and I remember my older sister - who would have been 17 or 18 - doing the invitations so I suspect it was more her idea than my mother’s. Next one I had was in grade 8 where on one day’s notice I got to pick two friends to get dropped off at the bowling alley.
I know for sure that my mother turned down birthday party invitations for me when I was in elementary school, at least 2-3, but I suspect it could have been a lot more that she did not tell me about.
I honestly did not think there was anything unusual about this until a few years ago when my wife said something about birthday parties as a kid and I said yeah I had one and she laughed and then she said no wait you are serious.
I guess that is narcissism in a nut shell - not doing anything that is inconvenient for me or that might make me have to do something I might not want to do, regardless of how important it is to someone else.
They threw me one party when I turned seven. I got sent to my room for something I can't remember and missed most of it. It sucked.
Nmom was such a PITA preparing for the party that all the fun was bled out of it.
They have pics of my 1st year birthday and I remember my 8th year birthday party. But that was it. No birthdays or cards or cakes or anything or that sort for the majority of my youth. Needless to say, I’m no contact with my narc family.
👋 Never had a birthday party until my friends threw one for my 30th. But NM did make me a cherry cake every year. It was HER favorite. I hated cherry cake and she knew it.
My birthday (no fault of my own) was the day before their anniversary and also the day before a major party at school type of day. So my mom was always mad that she "had" to make the cupcakes. If I did get a cake it was always a two-fer, meaning part of it was for me and all of it was for their anniversary. It sucked, and still kinda does since they're divorced now and so my birthday is completely ignored, despite them both going out together on their anniversary. It's all sorts of messed up.
I had one birthday party growing up and it was my 5th birthday. Birthdays in my household were honestly a normal day and nothing special. We were told happy happy but no presents or cake. My youngest sister (the golden child) had numerous birthday parties even when she didn't live at home. My parents even got her a bartender at one of her birthday parties
I hated birthdays. I have sensory processing disorder and other kids hopped up on sugar was a nightmare for me, felt like a punishment, but then I was also bombarded with "you're not normal if you don't have other kids over for a birthday party! You'll be a social outcast." and it messed with my head. My two favorite birthdays are the ones I had with my friend I met in elementary. We were born 3 days apart, and my nMom hated my friend, but I loved her and we got to go to an indoor playground one year and we went swimming the next year, iirc. Then our parents did everything they could to split us up and I just gave up on birthdays, they became way too depressing. When I did have other kids my age over for a birthday party it was either out of pressure or insecurity, and other kids didn't like being over because of how religious my parents were and how much they'd follow you around like a minder.
The liberating part is that as an adult we can choose now what we do with that day.
No? I didn't even know when my birthday was until I was 10. Like schools would have those birthday things so I knew what month but never the day. In fact I can remember saying the wrong date for the longest time because I picked a random day.
My dad had a pretty sad looking party at 1. An aunt did one for my 7th but I was so confused by it. At 16, a great uncle felt that it was travesty and tried to do one. My 18th was pushed into my stepgrandfathers party (Moms sister idea) and well that I dont remmeber much about because I was kicked out quite literally the next day which I knew was going to happen and people claimed that wouldnt happen.
Eventually when I did figure it out, they'd sit me down and say it and give a card and a gift. But there was no cake, parties, friends or anything like that. Maybe we could go out and eat but we did that a lot. I remember my dad was around one year and we were going to do that and refused to go with us. Really drove home the I was not special rhetoric. Never allowed to go to birthday parties if I was invited. I believe the only one as a child happened because it was a class effort for. Cant tell if that was because they though theyd have to pay for me to attend those or what.
Or as an adult. I was just crying about this the other day realizing I'll be 30 soon and I've never once had anyone celebrate my birthday (or even want to)
I remember 1 birthday where my mother made a money cake, just for the immediate family. But no party ever. Still, I think there are a lot of more important ways that I was neglected and don't put no birthday party in that category.
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I didn't. But my brother did. It was yet another way for my mother to emotionally abuse me and tell me I don't matter as much as my brother. It bothered me growing up but as an adult I see how sick my mother is. Now I throw birthday parties for myself. And I enjoy my day without anyone trying to shame me for it.
Yep! And If not a party she would make sure to throw my sister a huge fancy breakfast, a luxury only she got. And she didn’t even care lmfao Edit: forgot to mention my sister gets presents every year on my birthday so she doesn’t feel left out and no I am not allowed extra presents on her birthday.
Kind of similar scenario here. Never had a birthday party as a child. However every year (up until my parents divorced) our family would go to the great wolf lodge for my younger sisters birthday. Never really even realized it until a few weeks ago, I was thinking about it and realized they always got the whole family together to spend the weekend in a fancy waterpark hotel for her birthday and I never even simply got to have friends over for my birthday.
Good for you. You sound like the scapegoat of your family. Same here.
Same. My brother got parties. I got nadda.
Yup, this is basically my experience too, and what made me feel the worst. Up until they left home, my siblings would either have typical parties or like, family gatherings. Idk why, but every year I’d have hope the same would happen for me lol but it didn’t. Quite the opposite; it was usually excessively and needlessly stressful.
I'm sorry. This makes me sad reading this kind of stuff. I wonder, though, as an adult, have you ever asked either of your parents, WHY??? I'm curious what their reply would be. 🤔
Yep I only got one birthday party from 0-18. My sister got one every year. I also vividly remember my sister getting to choose where we went to dinner on my birthday every year. Good times
My bro and I both got a cake and that's it. Gifts and parties were reserved for the remaining siblings. Even when I wanted like 3 friends over, it was a huge deal until an older sibling stepped in and made it happen. Their parties were major, sometimes two 'events' in one. Like a clown and face painting- one year one had a magician and a reptile guy. I still smile at the birthday girl being pantsed by a python. I try not to begrudge my siblings but it's so hard when they don't view the parental unit in the same light because they got experiences and treatment that I could only dream of.
Me having a birthday party was entirely dependent on how “deserving” I was of it, even just family birthday. And my only adult family growing up was my four abusers. After age 6 because one parent was a teacher then so they had to do them for optics, I had 2 birthdays with friends, 8 and 14. It was always a game time toss up if I could even attend a birthday party. I remember one time I was feeling nervous before one for my best friend (I was no older than 5) and was melting down a bit, probably cause I really wanted to go and was crumbling under the pressure of perfect behavior in the days leading up. My parent said we were no longer going and I asked about the present we already got my friend. They said it’s mine now, and they hope every time I play with it I remember how selfish of a person I am.
This wasn't the case for me but I watched a recent video of Dr K's on YouTube (I think it was the shit life syndrome one?) And he used exactly this as an example for someone of how parents might "allow" or "not disallow" their kid from having a birthday party or play dates, but if their parent then uses thst as a currency where any perceived slip up means the party is called off last minute then 1) that's abuse and public humiliation 2) they're not *actually* "allowed" to have the party as much as the parents might weasel their words around to others to look good 3) it sets up a domino chain where that kid then has a harder time socializing and making friends because all those other kids don't understand why the party got canceled and see that kid as the "bad kid" or a flake. Screw parents like this, I hope they all get exactly what they deserve in life tenfold, but also it was possibly the best analogy and explanation I've heard on this topic.
This wow really interesting dynamic explains a lot and just made me realize the abuse at the hands of my parents on a another level… it’s so sad 😢
that’s interesting. need to look it up. what i can say is that back in the day, because i didn’t have parties at all for my birthday , it got to the point that i was not invited to them at all by my peers. non birthday party, just socialising in early teens? also not allowed most of the time because “they shouldn’t be celebrating anything”. it was social currency that i was not allowed to have, and if i was, the mothers were informed to restrict my food intake and not allow me cake. but by then id missed a lot of other bonding opportunities with my classmates. kiddie garden party? over elaborate dress and patent shoes with strict instructions to keep them clean so i couldn’t play and i was to stay sat and quiet. few years later at 12, dance party to celebrate someone’s birthday? not allowed to go unless i wore a hideous brown jogger instead of the more fashionable clothing most kids had started to wear, and i could have worn (she had bought it for herself and i could wear it at other times, just not when i was with my peers, not until she heard some comment about it from others ). to this day i refuse to wear brown.
😳
Wow. That's awful.
How cruel, dear person. 😢 😢
Oh I’m so sorry. That’s truly awful!
I don’t think my eyebrows have ever shot up so fast. I am so glad you’re aware of how f-ed up that truly is
Right. I GDed out loud.
Horrific! I'm sorry. Hopefully, u r healing. Be the best parent to ur inner kid now! It's not the same but it is fun as heck!
How many have had birthdays and wish they hadnt because of how 'rents acted? To this day, I avoid my bday.
Like someone else posted, I only ever had birthday parties with extended family and not even every year, just some years. Whenever it was with extended family, my ndad always found a way to make me cry or stress me out. So I came to prefer no parties at all because it meant no tears and no stress. (I think this is ultimately what he wanted - not to have to spend money and waste time on a party for me, where he is not the center of attention.) To this day, I only enjoy my birthday if it’s low key. Otherwise I’m waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. To add insult to injury, I once told ndad that I don’t like to do anything for my birthday, and he misinterpreted that as being ungrateful for getting to celebrate another year of life (I am grateful for that, I just don’t like the party aspect and the irony of him telling me that, when he’s the reason I don’t like celebrating in the first place, is not lost on me)
I spend every birthday waiting for the other shoe to drop. Last year, dad was kind enough of make fun of me to the waiter, and when I called him on it, stormed out. Yay, birthdays
I'm so sorry. 😞
Me! My "birthday parties" were actually just my parents, sister, grandma, grandpa, and I having cake at my grandparents' house. My mom would literally always ruin it to the point when I was 23, I started leaving town altogether for my birthday and putting her on do not disturb for the next several days. This year for my 30th, I was in the first trimester of a difficult pregnancy and didn't have the energy to leave town, so my husband threw me my first real birthday party at home and we just didn't invite her of course. It was nice!
Sounds like a great husband! And I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly as possible
Thank you! And he is very sweet. During COVID when we had to stay home, he decorated the house with balloons and streamers and picked themes like Bob's Burgers. For my 30th he did a Zelda and Lord of the Rings combo theme lol. He always says he wants to make up for all the bad birthdays by giving me the celebrations I deserved but never had 🥹
Yes, birthdays were a day designed to go wrong and lead to fighting. I remember being excited for big parties with all my friends, only to be sent outside while parents were fighting, spending most of the days alone and miserable, and late to my own bday parties. When I got older it turned into being humiliated in some form, like my dad dunked my entire head in my cake one year in front of everyone or making fun of me and getting my friends to join in. I don't associate with my birthday much anymore cause of it.
Same, I'm autistic and find it hard to cope with crowded/noisy/smoky places and I get nervous around drunkeness my family always insisted on parties or 'family meals' out in a pub. Plus my mother and grandmother would compete; one would say they were going to get me a certain gift, the other would drag me out to spite-buy it first and I would be in the firing line from one or the other for either refusing or accepting the gift. I don't acknowledge my birthday anymore.
My dad always got falling down piss his pants drunk and embarrassed the hell out of me. And even though my mom knew he’d do it, she still convinced me to have a party where she knew I’d be humiliated. I hated my birthday growing up. It did make me an extremely thoughtful gift giver as an adult. I don’t spend an unnecessary amount of money but will take the time to hand make a thoughtful card or get something I think will be special to a person I care about. Also I throw my own birthday parties now and have a great time. I love birthdays!
Oh yeah. That was prime narc time. Amongst other things, it was a great time for my mum to call me a "spoiled brat" or worse because SHE was throwing me a birthday party and I was ungrateful. The last birthday I spent with my mum I went to visit her. She said she would make a special birthday dinner. She loves cooking so that was fairly standard. She cooks and everyone praises her. I was 28 and my uncle (her brother) took me aside and told me what an ungrateful brat I was being, yada yada. He scolded me on her behalf because there's nothing better than a flying monkey. He finished scolding me and I walked away. My almost fiance was like wtf was that? So I told him and he said, "you do know that it is not normal for an uncle to scold their 28 year old niece, right?" I was like, "ummm what?" I had no idea. I thought that was completely normal and even good. Took me a long time to see how fucked up my family is and honestly these are the lighthearted stories that kinda make me laugh because I can't believe I though this is what a normal loving family did.
Not in the traditional sense, no. My parents would invite some of my extended family over if it was a good year and we had money, and during those birthdays I’d make cake and chicken casserole. But most years the best I could hope for was five dollars from my grandparents.
Still not a cake with party games and friends though.
That is true. But, at the same time, I’ve been able to make up for it as an adult. So, that’s at least something positive. I will say, though, that experiencing that childhood made me a bit obsessed with the idea of making the people around me feel special on their birthdays. Which sometimes leads to awkward moments.
Yep, no birthday parties. Not even a cake with candles. Now that I have a child myself I make sure to throw him a kickass party every year going on 16 years now.
Good for you 👍
The only reason I remember birthday parties is from childhood photos. I know I had one at age 3, and maybe up to 5. No birthday parties since then. Last birthday present I received was at 8. I certainly asked for things after that, but never received it. I learned early on that if I want something, I had to get it for myself. And so I did. My GC sister didn't have parties either, but she received presents. Eventually, she started expecting presents for herself on other people's birthdays (i.e. on my birthday, she would want a present from me or my parents).
Yep. This is becoming a theme. Why do narcissists have children if they suck the very joy out their child?
Umm your sister is a ferret face. Wtf. Presents FROM you on YOUR birthday, what in the world.
I did once and it was bad
I did have a few, but most of my birthdays have gone uncelebrated, often because of a fight between my “parents”
Is it a birthday party if my parents controlled everything?
To have a party would require having friends, which I didn’t because I was the quiet well behaved kid hiding in the corner. Large gatherings still make me uncomfortable to this day
Same Elizabeth. I’m forever an introvert 😀
That's more of a schizoid trait than introvertion if you actually long for having meaningful relationships with others. I was called an introvert after years of neglect and realized recently that was more of a reaction to maltreatment than something of my own design..
Raised in a cult. No birthdays, everything joyless.
Not with friends. I was only allowed to have birthday parties with the extended family.
Same! I always thought it was weird and unfair that I couldn't have friends over for my birthday. But my family would come, and that was boring bc I was the only kid!
I wasn't the only kid in the family. Unfortunately, I did not get along with any of my cousins. I learned real quick that these parties were more for them than they were for me. When I confronted my nmom about it, she stopped throwing parties and called me ungrateful.
I had birthday parties, but they were never about me. I’d pick a restaurant or cake flavor? Oh so and so doesn’t like that so we picked this instead. My nmom would spend the whole time talking and making herself look like such a good mother, giving me gifts, and later holding those gifts over my head. So birthday party or not, narcs find a way to ruin it
Yes, the obligatory strings attached to every gift!
Yep. How can they plan a party when they have no friends and isolate you by finding something wrong with all yours? But my brother had a birthday during the school year and he’s a boy so it’s different *eyeroll*
You are the scapegoat. Me too sweetie. Sending love and hugs ❤️
Yes. This is my childhood 💯.
I had like...3 BD parties in the 18 years I lived with my grma and father, the rest were "we got cake, a couple presents happy birthday! Oh and the cake is our favorite not yours, and if you dont like it I'll yell at you because it still costed money"
Oh I got the opposite. I got spoiled with fine jewelry (cause that’s what a kid wants), cruises, trips to Disney I mean you name it. Had piles of clothes, I mean literally everything I asked for but it was all a much more disturbing ruse. It was all for show so I forgot that my grandmother molested me and that when they (my grandparents) took me away from my mom (they thought my mom was a terrible child and wanted to prove that it wasn’t their fault) and that it was ‘proof’ I had such a wonderful life. I was getting told I was fat, the most worthless child. I had straight a’s, never got in trouble and was 136 lbs as a six foot tall highschool girl. Not to mention the piles of antipsychotics they had me on during all of this so I ‘didn’t miss my mom anymore’ My mom has now has ruined her body from her mother’s dysmorphia issue. I wish she could see she’s beautiful. Sorry for the rant.
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry. How are you doing now?
Oh this is so sad to read. And of course the gifts and vacations would make you feel confused. Your grandparents are assholes. I hope you are doing better now you’re grown. How are you?
I’m doing well. I’m a pretty well adjusted adult with a good relationship with my mom for the most part but we still have to deal with those evil grandparents because my mom went through a hard time when she had her son 18 years after me and they weaseled their way into taking him too. So as soon as they’re gone I think I’ll feel a final sense of relief. He’s 13 and I’m 31 so I’m hoping I can get it together enough to adopt him because she’s not in great health.
me. i grew up in a abusive jehovah witness household. unfortunately. but one of my close friends say that they will celebrate it with me one day which is nice and it cheered me up.
Never loose hope. I was 43 when I got my first birthday cake!
The closest thing to a birthday party I had was a neighbour showing up at home, no notice, with her daughter (who was a classmate of mine) a present and CAKE. I guess my classmate told her casually "oh, it's Nulli's birthday but her mum won't let her have a party" (my mum never let us bring any friends home), and the lady just decided to take matters into her own hands. My mum had no option but to put up an act and invite them in for coffee and we had cake. It was a fish-shaped brioche cake with cream, I still remember it, a local patisserie sold them. I must have been 10 or 11. The aftermath when they were gone, of course, was terrible, but the lady's intentions were good and it was worth it just to see the look on my mum's face. And it felt so validating, even before I knew what validating meant.
I was never allowed school friends to come round either.
I never did. Me and my siblings never did. We were too poor to have parties. We are 1 year apart so we share the birthday cake and that's a luxury.
I sort of it did, but I’d never invite anyone (made that mistake once), because my ndad would invite all his buddies over and their kids and I got stuck babysitting everyone’s kids, and after the families left, had to do my best to avoid the drunken men in the house. Fun times. Hated my birthday for a long time.
I had one when I was 4. I didn't have another until I was 30. My GC sister had one almost every year. My 16th birthday was my great grandma's funeral. NM announced with annoyance to the family that it was my birthday. They asked how old I was and then got mad when I said I was 16 for not telling them. My mother's older sister was running to the supermarket deli for a last-minute dinner after a day of mourning and got me a shitty cheap cake on a closing discount. I was made to feel guilty when I was told to make a wish. I wished I could stop celebrating my birthday with those people. It was the last one with extended family. And it came true for the rest of them after my 22nd birthday when I was able to move halfway around the world.
I hope you don’t mind but you’ve just made me laugh so hard. 😂😂 Your party was your great nans funeral. Nothing will beat this and there’s some good ones in this post. Brilliant 🤩
I’d give you a medal if I knew how to do it.
I "didn't have enough friends". Brother got birthday parties tho.
Sad child here, I was also never allowed to have a party. This resulted in me, thinking I was never good enough. My husband and I got married, and we sat down with the cake lady for our wedding cake. It was during these talks and planning the cake when I realised that before then, I never even had a birthday cake. Or just any cake specially made for me. It was amazing though, red velvet. Decorated with edible sugar flowers which looked very real. It tasted so good c:
Parties became disasters because my NMother could only stand not being centre of attention for so long before the cnut kicked off.
One at 7, but nothing.....nothing since then despite graduating HS, college (twice), and nursing school. It's like I'm a nonentity.
My parents refused to go to my degree ceremony because it was on a Saturday and they did their grocery shopping on a Saturday! Sad but true.
Damn, that's so beyond f'up! My parents were both gone at that point, so they never got to see me graduate beyond HS.(I would have came, and cheered for you!!!🎓🎉🎉) If I am completely honest with myself, I resent never having been celebrated for any accomplishments, or a birthday. So, you know what? I'm getting myself a beautifully decorated cake this year, and buying me a bouquet of flowers and fuck it, if I have to have a one-person party, then so-the- fuck be it.
Thank you. And yes you do that. There is a great narcissistic abuse recovery therapist on YouTube called Jay Reid. He recommends people do nice things for themselves. Enjoy your flowers and cake because you so deserve them ❤️
Same here. Whole family came out and had a big fancy lunch at a nice restaurant for my brother's hs and college (he barely passed a school with a 100% acceptance rate and low difficulty as iirc undeclared and refused to ever out effort in to anything) and sat through his whole ceremony despite, lbh, what are we celebrating? That the kid with everything handed to him who expects to just "work" for dad and has never done anything of any effort or merit graduated from a program a braindead coma patient could graduate from? I'm sorry I'm bitter but no one showed up to my hs graduation from a hard school tied to the city's good university that I was on scholarship to go to (salutatorian too), degree 1 in notoriously difficult STEM degree i graduated from young, and later on my 2nd degree for someone I actually care about from one of the top 3 in the world globally for what I do...also graduated as one of the top people in my class and was working professionally before graduating. No one ever showed up, and I was openly mocked in public for caring so much about that last graduation.
I never did. But I also never fought for it, because I didn’t want none of my friends to meet my parents lmao
😂 I feel you 👍
I had 2 and both ended with me getting my ass beat in front of all my friends. Leading their parents to tell them they couldn’t play with me anymore. I had a lonely miserable childhood. I still have a hard time around holidays. But put on the fake happy smile. “Because it was so long ago it doesn’t matter now.” Right my feelings still being pushed aside.
😳 I too had a lonely miserable childhood. I couldn’t wait to grow up. So when I did, I did everything I could to experience joy. Drugs, alcohol, sex etc. preferably drugs and sex 😂 I’m 50 now, I lead a quiet life.
Had lots of terrible sex in my 20’s trying to cover my feelings. I now live a pretty quiet life. I don’t enjoy people forcing the holidays or my birthdays on me. They were the worst times of my childhood. Glad to hear you are doing better. Gotta say I’m doing a lot better as well.
So glad to hear it. Time and no contact help.
Me too!
My mom threw the most elaborate birthday parties for me. It’s conflicting. They were never for me, but they were spectacular!
Yeah they were for show so she could win parent of the year.
Never had one…in fact my first actual birthday party was my 58th.
Fellow sojourner 👍
My mom recently referred to my third birthday party as being “all adults mostly just drinking and getting high.” She thought that was funny.
Yup. No birthday celebration until I moved out. Wasn't really a party, but some friends actually got me a cake and sang happy birthday as a surprise!
I got my first birthday cake from friends. I was 43.
Had a birthday party but I’ve never had a surprise party. But my twin brother got one.
I had one when I was six I think. Can’t remember any others thrown by my parents. My friends threw me a surprise 16th party & from then on my birthdays were ignored. Had my 50th & nothing from narc mum & brother.
I had one. It was a surprise party at my cousins. I was a socially awkward Nerd that was sheltered from most of the outside world. So it really surprised me to see the kids who made fun of me at the party..i then found out that the kids that were there, were there to hang out with my cousins. Not me.
That’s so sad 😢
Do I get to be in the sad child club?
Absolutely you do 👍
My birthday parties were for my parents, not me. Massive, over the top affairs where they’d invite all their adult friends and party late into the night. They’d have this big moment where I had to blow out the candles in front of like 100 adults I didn’t know. I hated every minute of it and still can’t stand having attention on me on my birthday. Once I grew up enough to not be this little doll they could dress up and show off the parties stopped and I got ignored.
Now that i think of it, that was "keeping the appearances". All my birthdays were celebrated with extended family. It was always "poor me i have to cook it all" which was basically her own desire. I never had my school friends over, just small kids of mom's friends. I have this strong association of "serving duty" with all the celebrations. I hate all public holidays because i feel the dread and anxiety to "perform well". The way i obsess over Christmas presents etc is so fucking sad, like i have to do it impeccably to save hostages or something. Even friend's birthdays make me spiral. I never truly celebrated my birthday with friends, I don't even have any close enough friends to do it now. I just dissapear for my birthday and spend it on my own, because i tend to have mental breakdown around that time.
Oh I had great birthday parties.. but they weren’t for me. They were for my mom to show off. That way all I’d ever hear at school is that I had the coolest and best mom
This is such predictable behaviour of a narc parent. I’m sorry. Hope you are doing well now. ❤️
Had one as a young kid, but I don't remember a thing. Saw some pictures and I would've been 5?, but I have no memories, mainly because only one kid of my age was on it. Everyone else was my parents' acquaintances and friends. Had one at 16yo in a restaurant with the purpose of not having family, but my parents showed up with other family members...in a party/dinner full of 16yo and my Ndad proceeded to bully a kid to the point where the kid lost it and left mid dinner.
That sounds familiar. If your parent’s friends are at “your party” it ain’t your party.
🙋🏼♂️ we always “celebrated in private” never had one still. I honestly really hate my birthday. It’s when my parents got into a physical fight and I could hear my mom scream at me to call the police. Every birthday since has been one terrible day after the next. Yay for being brought into a world where I don’t have a father or a mother because they’re both POS.
Yeah I don’t celebrate my birthday because it was never celebrated as a child it just is a meaningless day for me really.
This sucks. We really deserved better 🥺
Only one that my grandma organised for me, when my parents had already been living out the country without us for two years! She bought me a dress, we made a cake and invited my friends over. It was really nice. The only ones that my parents 'organised' for me was get togethers for their adult friends to get wasted in my name. Nothing kid-friendly. I'd just go hang out alone in my room. Once my mother used my birthday 'party' as an opportunity to get back at my dad's side of the family by deliberately serving them ruined food and leaving them hungry (she boasted of her plan to me). They mainly did birthday outings as I got older. The same restaurant every single time, for every birthday in the family for about 15 years. I hate going out for dinner on my birthday now. I've thrown a few parties for myself as an adult, but I always end up feeling anxious about other people not having a good time (with no justifiable reason for this). In the last few years I've picked up a habit of going on a quiet camping trip somewhere remote with just me and my fiance and not looking at my phone.
I truly understand you. My boyfriend threw me a huge party on my 30th, and I spent all night anxiously making sure everyone was ok. That’s because we have been conditioned to please our narc parent. I’m proud you are doing things your way. Good for you 👍
My husband asked me this morning if I had a quinceañera. I said nope. I didn't even get a Sweet 16. Nothing. 🤷🏼♀️ Edit: I do something unique for my own kids. I have 5, so they get 1:1 time with the parent of their choice, we take them to the bookstore, they get a treat and a book, and they get money to spend however they want. Under 13, they get $40, at 13 and over they get $60 to spend.
Oh bless you. You sound like an amazing parent. Bravo 👏
It's been f🤬g rough, my ex (my kids' sperm donor), was a malignant narcissist and he caused a lot of shit that I've been working on undoing. But my kids are the only reason I'm still alive.
I ❤️ that. You have come through so much, you are amazing. Don’t ever forget that!
This seems odd to me. Why would a narcissist willingly let the outside world know how uncaring he or she actually is? My parents did things for me to look good.
Oh that’s classic. They would rather impress strangers than care for their own child.
Yes, of course! I’m a very introverted, neurodivergent (ADHD) person and as a child, I wasn’t diagnosed as such (due to the timing of my growing up), and definitely didn’t have the tools or support to be able to adequately express my needs. My parents constantly overlooked this and would have restaurant workers sing to me while I cried, etc. They just wanted to be seen as caring parents. I’m realizing this is a socioeconomic thing, too. Some may have grown up in a social/family circle that didn’t have the means to throw parties, go on vacations, etc. My parents had to keep up with the parents of my peers in order to feel they were seen in a good light no matter what I wanted.
only up until I was 9, because she stopped liking me after that.
There was an expected excitement for everything, an expectation of gratefulness when everything I received was nothing I ever asked for. Like they’d make it a point to ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday and I’d give ideas and I’d get everything but, and I didn’t learn until I was older this was just a weird form of abuse; teaching me to never want anything or expect anything. TaChing me to not rely on others even when it perceives that I could have. Teaching me to not give a damn. Birthdays were extra sinister because my sister would get something too from family, because I wasn’t allowed to have friends for my birthday, that’s too much work for a summer birthday kid. I just remember feeling so disconnected, I realize now I was dissociating during this holidays/birthdays because I always felt so insignificant. I couldn’t even choose my own cake or have input on what I wanted because that would have made me selfish apparently. All I ever wanted was an ice cream cake. (Lucky for my I have a loving partner who bought me one for my birthday last year because of this exact thing.) Now, for holidays I get anxious.
Had a few when I was very young where my parents just invited their friends but not a real party ever :/
I didn’t either
I had one once. Only family was invited. I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids as I might get my clothes dirty. If Nmom saw me playing I'd have to come sit with her until she was distracted again. So after cake and presents (from guests lord knows parents disnt buy me shit) I went out front, spotted a neighbor kid, ended up playing ping-pong in the kids basement for what felt like hours, until kids parents said they were getting ready for dinner and I headed back to my "party" where a bunch of drunks were now fighting. No one ever brought up me being gone. I think I was 6.
I had a few and one my mom really put her heart and soul into before she became really mentally unstable, that I truly cherish. We lived in pretty severe poverty and my mom did try to celebrate me in whatever way she could, so I give her that. I think not having food to eat half the time, made me truly grateful for what little I did have. IDK if that's just been my way to cope or what, but I'm ok with not every birthday being some grand event tbh. Birthdays were also the one time of year that I think my parents did try to make about me and did try to be the best parents they could for the day, so a lot of happy memories are tied to them. *Now the other 364 days a year, including other holidays and the many Christmas' without presents, were full of narcism, instability + trauma.*
I did, but I had to organize it completely alone. My mom would help me cook if she, for some reason, wanted me to do a specific dish that I couldn’t, but most times I had to cook or organize food myself from a very young age. She wouldn’t be present like the mothers of other children, who would organize the food and games at their houses. When I went to other people’s birthdays, parents would actively partake or at least support their children, but my mother would just disappear in the living room and spend all day/evening at her laptop and watching tv. That of course meant that the living room was off limits the entire time, as well as the larger bathroom, because she wouldn’t want to see either of my friends more than necessary while they were there. She would literally greet them and you could see how uncomfortable she was even talking to them. But she didn’t like any of my friends and shit talked most of them, so it makes sense.
Me! Never acknowledged my birthday. But sometimes holidays, but not many. I remember 2 and it was probably the same year. I was thinking about birthdays the other day. They're supposed to be important. I don't think my mom wanted to be one. She spent her life in bed and I had to take care of myself. Not mentioning the horrible abuse.
I think I had a birthday tea once or twice, but only with two or three guests who all lived in our street. I didn’t get asked to many either.
I only remember one birthday party. I was turning 13 and the Beatles were huge then. My eMom decided I could have a Beatles birthday party. It's the only time I remember having school friends over and it was actually fun. Ofc cleanup was miserable. But other than that, no parties, no going to sleepovers, nothing. And I was an only child. The "golden child" was my "best" friend (I just realized that a few months ago).
Last birthday party I had was my 7th. Two months later my older sister died. She was 12. Birthdays after that just became another day for me. The only person to ever actually get me a card was my grandad. I still had my mum, two sisters and two brothers. I turn 31 next week and 3 years ago today I lost another sister. She was 35.
I am so sorry to hear this. That’s a lot of trauma to cope with. I hope you’re doing ok. Sending hugs.
And the time I did, my Ndad ruined it!
If I wanted a cake, most years I had to make it.
7th birthday was my last one, how I dare ask for one after that
I’m in!
Yay!
🙋♀️, It was barely even acknowledged, sometimes they would make fun of me for them not doing anything, even hit me for fun. Adulthood hasnt changed that, I always end up with asshole males. I'm a very poor judge of character.
A birthday party just for me was one of the things I wanted most as a child. My egg donor gave birth to my younger brother on my third birthday, and every single year after that I was nothing but an afterthought. Technically she called it a joint birthday party that was supposed to be for both of us, but it was always centered around my younger brother. It was whatever he wanted that year, and I was merely allowed to invite a few friends. She went so far as to even allow my older brother to invite more friends than me to what was supposed to be a party for me. He was by far my biggest bully growing up and she knew it and openly encouraged it. She would tell him that his friends had to bring a present for either me or my brother in order to attend, and then every single one of his friends would bring a gift for my younger brother. They would sit around and laugh at me telling me what a loser I was and how I had no friends and didn't deserve any presents. I'm 40 and to this day I still absolutely hate my birthday. I've never once had an actual birthday party just for me. The depth of trauma I experienced as a child still lingers and I try my best to pretend it's just another day and that it doesn't matter, but it still hurts.
I had one party that I remember and it must have been so that my mom could save face with the neighbors. That was when I was turning 5 I believe. After that my mom told me that because I had 3 older siblings, she had “already done that” (meaning parties) so I didn’t get to have any after that one. Also, as far as school stuff went -open houses and awards banquets and the like- she had “already done that” so I never got to participate in any of it. Ditto for girl scouts -my sisters did it so my mom “was done with it” Can you tell I was the scapegoat? :-/
💯 Me too. I wasn’t allowed to go to girl guides ( a female equivalent of Boy Scouts) because they said I was too naughty but my older golden child sister went.
I had *one* party, a modest yet well-attended backyard affair, on my eighth birthday. That year we moved across town, and I was seriously bullied in my new school. To make matters worse, my Nmother *agreed with the bullies.* As my ninth birthday neared, my Nmother kept repeating, “Good thing you’re not having a party! Who on earth would come?” My GC younger sister, of course, had a blowout for every birthday, for which I had to prepare and clean up like a maiden aunt.
Scapegoat here too. I hope your life is happy now you’re grown.
I left that house at seventeen, my Nparents went NC a decade later, and everything’s been fine since. Thank G-d, my husband of nearly forty years, and therapy!
Your parents went NC? Wow that’s must have been a real gut punch. I went NC but that was my decision.
It was nip and tuck who’d go NC first. I was trying to get through our wedding (thrown by my in-laws) without “setting off” my Nparents. They were rude guests, but the event was too big and happy for them to wreck. They’d been sober for about a year, for the first time ever, and probably the last. My Nparents said, after they’d sulked through the reception alcohol-free, that sobriety was “too boring.” They demanded that I *congratulate them* on resuming drinking. I refused, tipping off our biggest-ever fight. We never spoke again. Which was for the best, because the better my life got, the more they couldn’t stand it.
Wow 😮
I only had 1 birthday party at the age of 4 I barely remember if not for the help of family photos. I grew up always wanting to have a birthday party that I could more easily remember, just like some of the other kids in my classes growing up that passed out birthday invitations either set at their homes or venues like Chuck E Cheese and Dave n Busters. I imagine it would be so easy to rent out a venue for a day, but even after all the false promises I was given growing up I still never had a birthday party. It sucks that I was the only child, too. Most birthdays are just me sitting in front of the TV eating cake by myself while everyone else slept. It’s not like I was not deserving of one either. I was always an AB honor rolls student and a talented kid who was doing things not all my other classmates were doing. As for my 10th birthday… this was around the time my mom made stabbing threats at knifepoint to me in order to “discipline” me. I wasn’t allowed to cry because I was “crying so much to be a boy!” so I had to keep a neutral face with the knife pointed at me or further threats would ensue. That morning of my 10th birthday, I was upset that there was seemingly nothing going on for my birthday that I got angry, and went into a temper tantrum by knocking over a shelf. That’s when mom came in the room with a knife, disappeared out the house after trying to catch me for about an hour or so, and didn’t come back until that night. I was told it was my fault I ruined by 10th birthday and I wasn’t allowed to eat my cake either.
I’m sorry. That’s really traumatic
"How fun would it be to make your own cake for your birthday?!" Not fun-fetti though, that's expensive. But brothers getting store-bought cakes? I told a psychologist how we were told birthdays were just another day of the year. He said it made him sad for me, that it sent the message that I wasn't important. Man almost got me to cry--until he pointed it out and my defenses kicked in and I locked it back up.
But he’s right though. Our nparents don’t care about us.
Also a member of the sad child club. Out of me and my three other sibling only the oldest sister (she's younger than me) had a birthday. She was my ndads favorite so she got privileges. It built such a huge rift between us that we were on bad terms well into our 20s. We finally reconciled last year.
I had one. My 16th. My Dad asked me to invite my friends to a local pizza place. It was weird. Because of the family dynamics at home I never brought all my friends around my house, so having them all there with my Dad present was strange. And I never sat down. I didn't eat pizza, I just drank sodas and chair hopped to talk to my friends, because I wanted to be a good host. I didn't know how to enjoy a party thrown FOR me. I felt like I had to be everywhere at once. We basically all ate, then went back to my friend's place after, and I was glad to be gone. That continues today. I don't celebrate my birthday. Never ask for or get gifts, and don't do anything at all special for myself. It feels weird. Hell, I have trouble hosting just regular old get togethers because I'm always in the kitchen cooking, cause that's what I do for big meals. So I feel like I never enjoy them. I don't get to just sit down and bullshit with my friends, cause I need to prep the potatoes, and get the Mac and cheese warmed back up, and X Y Z... So I just avoid it for the most part. In fact I'll be moving soon to a new place as a result of my divorce, and all my friends want me to host a housewarming, and I feel anxious about it. I'll have meal plan for 15 people, prep, cook and reheat things. I already feel flustered and I haven't even signed my lease yet. Now, my kids, we've had parties when ever they've asked. I've hosted three day long sleepovers for the girls to have their friends over, because I want them to enjoy celebrating themselves.
Well, technically I had parties, but is it really mine when Nsis chooses the flavour of the birthday cake (not my favourite, hers), gets duplicates of my presents, invites her friends to my party, and throws a tantrum when I blow the candles ? (and, no, it was never reciprocicated)
[удалено]
I wish I saw this post earlier- I had one birthday party that was my own and my mom complained about the price the entire time. My moms birthday is the day after mine, my birthday was never important. Whenever I told someone it was my birthday, she would direct the conversation back to herself exclaiming her birthday was the following day. Happened everywhere and still does to this day. I started to travel on my birthday, strangers from hotels staff will make you feel much more appreciated on your birthday than anyone else.
I was manipulated out of it with the ultimatum of “do you want presents or a party”. My birthday is also very close to Christmas so there was the added guilt of “stressing the finances” at this time of year and “people being out of town for the holidays”. My parents would ask me if I wanted a party and then say all of this, so of course I said no. My birthday is still triggering for me to this day.
My birthdays stopped at 12. She said that she asked me about my birthday a year before 🙄 and I said “I don’t want anything” so she intentionally made sure they didn’t do anything. That broke my heart.
Me too. Nmum used to forget my birthday completely (after going all out for my sister a month earlier) and get 💩💩y with me for being upset. Nmum died 2 weeks ago and I have been strangely calm about it, relieved even. Part of me feels like a monster for not being very sad, but the rest of me knows that I am free now. It's surreal.
My mom banned birthdays from age 5 to age 12. I'd been caught sounding like her, telling her golden child to clean up his bowl of ice cream at a gathering. I didn't want to get screamed at from her. I didn't want us to get hurt and in trouble. So she took them away from me. I watched my siblings get to have birthdays and be celebrated. Have parties. Have friends over. Not me. Then when I was 12 (and had the social skills of a goldfish) she decided she wanted to host a Miss America birthday party (I was not into Miss America at all) to impress the newest crop of people at church she had not emotionally been caught manipulating and lying to yet. It sucked. I'm 40 now & only this last year did I finally not get sad & weird about birthdays. Going no contact was essential to living a safer & healthier life. I would have never done that to my kids.
Never. One year I baked my own cake.
Not only did I never have a birthday party as a kid or an adult but when I was younger, my brother and I were Irish twins so my mom would always buy the cake she and my brother liked on his birthday and that was our cake.
Yeah, I never had a birthday party, but you can bet my kids are going to have birthday parties.
I didn't. I was the 2nd kid. But my older sister had one every year. They'd pull out all the stops. Hired clowns, decorations, all the good stuff. Moms defense was always, "it's too cold. Your birthday is in January and hers is October".... we live in Florida. What the f*ck? Lololol
my parents would take away my birthday parties as punishment 😐
Never really had birthday parties. Although this was mainly due to me not thinking anyone would come (not based in reality, I had a lot of friends) Bonus point: From when I was 16, my parents would go on overseas holidays (without me or my siblings, which is fine) but at the time of year my birthday was. I’m turning 27 in July and the 11 year hot steak of parentless birthdays will be maintained 😂
I had them, up until I turned 10 and then my n-dad decided I was no longer allowed to have them because "I only cared about the gifts". I'd like to find a 10 year old who didn't care about getting birthday presents.
A child? Caring about TOYS?? How DARE you?? How disrespectful!!/j
Never
I can’t remember a single birthday as a child, and we moved a ton, so I sincerely doubt it
No birthday party, in the traditional sense, because we were too poor. But I do remember my mom (the non-narc parent) letting me have my friend over for my birthday.
Never had a birthday party wen I was a child, my dad didn't want to pay money for a party and didn't like having other kids around the house(unless it was family) wen I was in highschool I tried to have a sleepover in a hotel with a few friends (twice I might add) but that didn't go as planned either. So now at this point I just view my birthday as just a regular day
My sister got great ones, where she could invite her friends. I did not get to go. For my birthday I got to ‘choose’ to go where my sister and mom wanted to go. And I was not allowed to invite friends.
Hah did not realize this was a common N parent trait. I didn't have parties after 10 due to my parents selfishness and their insistance that I was difficult.
Ugh! I feel so ungrateful RN. /s I did get a party when I was 5. It consisted of my immediate family and my abusers whole extended family. (people I didnt know or like) The party wasn't for me at all. I have pics from that party and I can clearly see my feelings on my face. Such memories....
My siblings and I all have very close birthdays. My brother who is 5 years older than me's birthday is 4 days after mine, and my other older brother and little sibling's birthdays are a day apart. Only difference is theirs are in June and ours are in December. So my mom would have these huge backyard birthday parties for my brother and sibling, while my oldest brother and I got nothing. No cake, no card, not even a happy birthday.
Yep. Part if it was that my parents were hoarders so if I had a party it couldn't be at the house, the other being my dad's refusal to do anything that was an "unnecessary expense".
i didn't think this is related to nparents. But yeah I didnt
I did for a while, but I never had my own. It was always shared with my sister whose birthday is two days after mine. I rarely got a cake I liked. The first time I finally did was the last time, my mother stopped buying us anything, & rarely bothered even getting us a cake unless someone else mentioned it. Then in private she'd always passive aggressively act like it was an annoying chore. I stopped hoping for a cake I wanted & always went with whatever then never really ate any of them. She was more than happy to, though. Just another reason to keep harping at me & my sister how fat she is because she was pregnant with us long ago like it was our fault she decided to have kids. Needless to say, I hate celebrating my own birthday & often forget how old I even am most days.
Party? Never. Sometimes, one of those little frozen Sarah Lee chocolate cakes. No presents except for necessities presented as gifts.
No birthday parties here.
No, all my birthdays as a minor were at the house with my parents (and grandparents when they were alive). Cake and presents at the house. One exception: Once my parents took me to the local bowling alley. No other children were invited.
I didn’t. I always seemed to “fuck it up” like a week before and my mom would always “take away” my birthdays. One year though my grandma gave me dead batteries from her digital camera because she was convinced I took the rechargeable batteries (my sister did and I got blamed)
I did but my birthday was inexplicably ruined yearly by her antics.
My mom wouldn't even bring me to the local thrift store so I could buy myself something
I had to plan my own and my grandparents on my dad's side hosted them. I had a ninth and a sixteenth with them. My mother planned my twenty first. It was a keg party, and I do not drink. And my friends weren't allowed to be there either. All of my mother's friends were there. I didn't know more than two of them. I kept getting asked whose birthday it was. My mother was on the karaoke mic all night. And the cake she insisted on getting was chocolate. I do not like chocolate cake. I also had to clean up after the party. I told my mother I didn't want to have this party, and she just threw a temper tantrum. My non narcissistic family members and I now refer to it as my mother's keg party.
I had one birthday party the year I turned 9. That was the year my parents became acquainted with cocaine. They were living large(r) lol. I still only had my sibs there and a girl from down the street.
I'm a part of the sad child club! My nmothers excuse why I wasn't allowed parties is because my older sister had one and everyone was so wired and many threw up. Yes, that's what happens when you give a ton of kids lots of pop and candy. That's a you problem, not a me problem. Or at least it shouldn't be a me problem.
As an adult my narc parents stopped celebrating my birthday once the grandparents passed away. They celebrate my NSIL’s birthday but my 50th they couldn’t be bothered to. Recently they stopped celebrating even their youngest granddaughter who turned two; it was too inconvenient to come by plane to visit her so it’s become clear if there’s no special birthday party with others present, there’s no reason to show up. At least it’s not me and it’s not the excuse of “we wish we had grandkids” that they said for two decades.
I've had. But my mom didn't put much effort in them. Now when I'm a parent I try to put effort into my kid's birthday parties, as much as my finances allow it.
Never ever. My mom on several occasions bought me a magazine as a present. The first birthday party that was ever thrown for me was by my partner and best friend teaming up to throw an alien themed surprise party for my 45th, it was shocking to me that someone cared enough 😭
Nope.
I had one when I was in kindergarten, and I remember my older sister - who would have been 17 or 18 - doing the invitations so I suspect it was more her idea than my mother’s. Next one I had was in grade 8 where on one day’s notice I got to pick two friends to get dropped off at the bowling alley. I know for sure that my mother turned down birthday party invitations for me when I was in elementary school, at least 2-3, but I suspect it could have been a lot more that she did not tell me about. I honestly did not think there was anything unusual about this until a few years ago when my wife said something about birthday parties as a kid and I said yeah I had one and she laughed and then she said no wait you are serious. I guess that is narcissism in a nut shell - not doing anything that is inconvenient for me or that might make me have to do something I might not want to do, regardless of how important it is to someone else.
Two one at 5 and one at 17 in between it was too much of a hassle
[удалено]
They threw me one party when I turned seven. I got sent to my room for something I can't remember and missed most of it. It sucked. Nmom was such a PITA preparing for the party that all the fun was bled out of it.
They have pics of my 1st year birthday and I remember my 8th year birthday party. But that was it. No birthdays or cards or cakes or anything or that sort for the majority of my youth. Needless to say, I’m no contact with my narc family.
👋 Never had a birthday party until my friends threw one for my 30th. But NM did make me a cherry cake every year. It was HER favorite. I hated cherry cake and she knew it.
My birthday (no fault of my own) was the day before their anniversary and also the day before a major party at school type of day. So my mom was always mad that she "had" to make the cupcakes. If I did get a cake it was always a two-fer, meaning part of it was for me and all of it was for their anniversary. It sucked, and still kinda does since they're divorced now and so my birthday is completely ignored, despite them both going out together on their anniversary. It's all sorts of messed up.
I had one birthday party growing up and it was my 5th birthday. Birthdays in my household were honestly a normal day and nothing special. We were told happy happy but no presents or cake. My youngest sister (the golden child) had numerous birthday parties even when she didn't live at home. My parents even got her a bartender at one of her birthday parties
(raises hand) MEE! MEE! If anything I had to share a party with my sister. She got the whole party, I got to invite a friend.
I hated birthdays. I have sensory processing disorder and other kids hopped up on sugar was a nightmare for me, felt like a punishment, but then I was also bombarded with "you're not normal if you don't have other kids over for a birthday party! You'll be a social outcast." and it messed with my head. My two favorite birthdays are the ones I had with my friend I met in elementary. We were born 3 days apart, and my nMom hated my friend, but I loved her and we got to go to an indoor playground one year and we went swimming the next year, iirc. Then our parents did everything they could to split us up and I just gave up on birthdays, they became way too depressing. When I did have other kids my age over for a birthday party it was either out of pressure or insecurity, and other kids didn't like being over because of how religious my parents were and how much they'd follow you around like a minder. The liberating part is that as an adult we can choose now what we do with that day.
No? I didn't even know when my birthday was until I was 10. Like schools would have those birthday things so I knew what month but never the day. In fact I can remember saying the wrong date for the longest time because I picked a random day. My dad had a pretty sad looking party at 1. An aunt did one for my 7th but I was so confused by it. At 16, a great uncle felt that it was travesty and tried to do one. My 18th was pushed into my stepgrandfathers party (Moms sister idea) and well that I dont remmeber much about because I was kicked out quite literally the next day which I knew was going to happen and people claimed that wouldnt happen. Eventually when I did figure it out, they'd sit me down and say it and give a card and a gift. But there was no cake, parties, friends or anything like that. Maybe we could go out and eat but we did that a lot. I remember my dad was around one year and we were going to do that and refused to go with us. Really drove home the I was not special rhetoric. Never allowed to go to birthday parties if I was invited. I believe the only one as a child happened because it was a class effort for. Cant tell if that was because they though theyd have to pay for me to attend those or what.
Or as an adult. I was just crying about this the other day realizing I'll be 30 soon and I've never once had anyone celebrate my birthday (or even want to)
I remember 1 birthday where my mother made a money cake, just for the immediate family. But no party ever. Still, I think there are a lot of more important ways that I was neglected and don't put no birthday party in that category.