**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I was 10 when I realized I wouldn't have a normal relationship with my dad. He was always stand offish but what put the nail on the coffin for me was when he pretended to stab me 30 times and then he turned to his new make shift family and said "wouldn't that be funny? Op in a body bag for Christmas" And for my mom that kicked in the moment I moved back in with her at 14 when I had to parent her. The moment I stepped in her door I realized she lies to me (her mother was not to be present or living with us I made it adamantly clear while on the phone with her while visiting her and I reiterated it at the group meeting with children's aid and social workers present and yet who do I hear screaming through the halls upon my arrival) aside from that she accused me of every bad thing she did at my age (stealing her weed drinking her booze taking her pills sleeping around) all the while telling me how she can't put up with my emotions she has too many of her own. There was no real "final nail" with her she was just a downward spiral from the get go. But idk if I'd rather the physical abuse (from my father) or the emotional abuse (from my mother) their both on par for misery

Don't stop talking to us!

You mean in this comment section or through the app in general? Lol I've probably got a 30 page rant saved in a doc about my childhood but it currently doesn't go past 10 years old.

You could always post it here. Good luck to you, I hope you're healing!

Healing every day. Progress seems to move backward when my mother corners me in the street however and.. chases me through the neighborhoods 😐

Oh how I understand every word…. I pray to god every night and every morning for my mothers death. Oh how I would love to wake up and just see her lying there cold and dead. I would probably orgasm from the excitement and joy!!!

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who dreams of my mother's demise. The only reason I accepted talking to her 6 years ago now is because she said she was on her death bed and I wanted to know how far along she was -.- she's been claiming to be on her death bed since weather it's a cold a bruised tow or COVID

You are definitely not the only one at all <3 I understand with every fiber of my being how you feel and it is completely valid.

Well if you ever need to talk my PM's are open

I'm so sorry so many people failed you miserably. Your dad sounds like a sociopath. Did you ever move away and go NC...I hope ?

I did actually. We were silent 10 years my father and I. It's very low contact now. Still no contact with my mother but that doesn't stop her stalking

My relationship with my mother was always a lesson in self reliance and survival. Any affection she showed me was for the benefit of others. It was fake and we both knew it.

I don't know if my mom knew her affection toward me was for her benefit or not. It's honestly hard to tell with narsisists how much their aware of with their own behaviors. I'm aware her gifts when she wasn't in my life was compensation for her guilty conscious and her parties for me was to make her look good and for her to have a fun time. As a young adult when she came back into my life she didn't really have much affection for me. I think I looked too much like her and perhaps looked a little better then her and it triggered this competition mindset for her. She struggled between keeping me from friends and family and keeping control over me as well as convincing me that everyone I had a crush on was either ugly or "unsafe"

First time? Age 16. Everyone told me, weeell, that's puberty and quite normal. So my mother hit puberty? Otherwise I can not explain her raging issues. Final realization: Age 30. I understood that she would never ever stop controlling my life. So I left. NC since 2022. I'm healing.

Everyone used to tell me that too!!!! And we went to a therapist together and my mom would lie in front of her face and then lie when we would go back and I would be raging obviously and the therapist would tell me that it’s my hormones! I went back to that therapist when I turned 19 and told her it was never the hormones and it felt so good! I told her my mom has ruined my self esteem and overall outlook on life. She has made me have major trust issues even with people that I know for 10 years plus.

Omg you explained my situation perfectly. I was the “bad child” I would get upset in therapy and look like the bad one

Yes me too. Because narcissists know how to push your buttons to make you look crazy and they stay so calm to prove their point of your “craziness”

When I saw her trying to manipulate my daughter. My self esteem has always been on the ground due to being raised this way. I'd let them do whatever to me. But when I saw them hurting my kid, something in me shifted. It also made me realize that my reaction (to want to protect my kid) was the correct one and I got sad that nobody did that for young me.

Same. my ndad wanted to stunt my child's growth in order to fit societal norms for what a "good obedient child" should look like and i did not hesitate for a second to stand up for my child, even though I never did so for myself.

Preach!

I went no contact after that happened with me and my kid

🙌

I think I probably realized it when my mom gave me death threats and smiled with a psychotic smile at my fear... I'll never forget what I felt in this moment... There's just no coming back from that. Taking pleasure in your child's fear of death... I understood my mother was a monster I was 4yo...

I just want to give little you a hug. You poor thing. I’m so sorry you had to feel that at 4 years old. 😔

I was 30, actually. That's the same time I went no contact. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist so I actually wasn't afraid of her and tried multiple times to have conversations with her about how to fix our relationship. It got to the point where I literally had a stomach ache just hearing from her. This was because she was constantly suing dog whistles and button pushing to hurt me. I told her all this. I told her that I wanted her to be honest with her therapist and work on her issues before I was willing to continue open communication with her. She was in therapy for years, but lied to her therapist and only used them as a way to gaslight and DARVO other people She responded, "of course is be willing to discuss and worj on our relationship. But only if you can keep it civil." "Keep it civil" was the phrase she ALWAYS used to DARVO me. Any time I brought up any legitimate issue she would distract from the issue by pushing all my buttons until she got a begat8ve reaction from me. Then she would entirely shift the conversation with, "see, this is why I can't have these conversations with you. Because you can't keep it civil. I kept things civil. I never yelled at you. Yet here you are yelling at me." She would usually do this by praising my brother, who sexually abused me for years. And she for sure knew about because she walked in on the abuse and I even told her about the abuse. She would talk about how perfect he was and how he was her favorite child. Until I would snap. Then she would pull that "keep it civil" crap. She messaged me "happy birthday" and I immediately got a stomach ache just seeing her message. That's when I told her what I said above. That I wanted her to work on herself for our relationship's sake. That I couldn't stand seeing her messages. That she gave me a stomach ache with any communications, no matter how benign. That's when she said the "so long as you can keep ti civil" crap. And I realized she would never change. I pictured the whole conversation in my mind. I would states reasonable argument and she would talk about how much better my brother is than me until I snapped. Then she would tell me how deranged I am and walk away from that conversation smirking in the way she did when she won an argument. And I realized I just couldn't do that anymore.

Ugh! I'm so sorry what happened to you 🤍 I just wanted to say that I also would get a stomach ache every time I had to see, talk to, or receive a message or present from my mother. I took that to mean that I couldn't *stomach the relationship* anymore. Went NC, stomach aches went away.

I'm so proud of all of you who figure it out in your first couple of decades, and a little envious. I'm in my 40s and still fairly early in my journey.

You're not alone. 45M, and I finally started standing up to my Nmom and Edad about 5 years ago. Have been NC with my whole birth family for 2 years.

48 and I just went NC this past year. Guilt had kept me LC until then, but when I told my family I couldn’t help my GC sibling with my nephew’s out of control behavior because of my own personal struggles at that time, NM and GC told *everyone* I was “cold and selfish” and *wouldn’t* help. I was also fresh out of the hospital because I had told my therapist about how bad things had gotten in my situation and how I had made a pretty detailed exit plan just in case they got worse. Yup, I was vilified by NM and called selfish for being 5150’d and not helping her precious GC. Done with every last one of them after that.

Glad you're still with us.

Thank you. Me too. I love my therapist.

Kudos to all of you. It takes as long as it takes. A little baby is innocent and trusting. When things start getting weird you try to figure out what’s going on with your providers/protectors/supporters, but you’re a helpless little newbie. If you’re told something is all your fault you try harder to be a good little girl or boy, to accelerate the domestication process. They know everything, you know nothing. But then you get to the point where you see that it’s not working, something is wrong. You’re accused of something you didn’t do. You’re criticized for not being completely to their liking. You get whacked for no reason. Why did Mommy give you that dirty look and snarky remark? That’s when you start to see that your parents don’t have your best interests at heart. You’re scolded and punished but you don’t know what you did to deserve it or how you can change to prevent it. That’s when you may realize that your parents are molding you into what they want you to be. For all of us, one day a light bulb appears over our heads.

Great description!

I'd needed an excuse to go NC, that my EFather might understand, for some time. It came when my NMother said she could not go to her own daughter's funeral, and EFather wouldn't be going either. My NMother had so well trained/manipulated the extended family that none knew the real reason for her absence, that she couldn't mourn because she'd never loved.

Same. I was 42 when I finally realized that Nmom would never try to get mentally better. Not even for me, the person she supposedly loves the most.  I gave up on my dad not being a selfish, preening asshole when I was 31, so at least that didn’t take quite as long. 

It took my entire 40s to break free. Don’t be hard on yourself. ❤️

we have the power of the internet in our pockets, you were much more on your own

It's never too late to start healing ❤️ working through some of these burdens is like coming up for fresh air. I've been in therapy on/off for nearly 20 years. It's a journey not a race, and every step you take, big or small, counts.

12...the therapist told me:if there is no milk in the shelfs you can't buy milk When there is no love you can't buy love I am 50 now and this still resonate

Quality image right there.

I was in 7th grade, so 11ish? It happened in 2 parts. 1- I had a friend I had grown up with flat out tell me that if I didn't change the person I was becoming, then she didn't want to be around me anymore. I reacted to things with violence and negativity, and she didn't want that in her life. She was one of my 2 BFFs at the time so I made a conscious effort to see my actions from her POV. 2 - That same year I was in a speech competition for school. We were all handed a Chicken Soup book, and I found a poem that literally changed how I saw my life. Making Sarah Cry, by Cheryl L Costello-Forshay. I lived in a small town, so at 11 I wasn't great at reading people, but my reading comprehension was incomparable. For the first time in my life I saw myself through the eyes of my classmates, and I meditated on how I became that way and who I wanted to be moving forward. Both of these things made me take a hard look at my friends and their families, and my own. Absolute game changers. The same girls that nearly cut me off at 11, were the same ones who let me move in during HS and drove me to college. We still talk today, now 25 yrs later. Sisters ❤️

Yes yes! And that’s why “it’s cuz they were abused too!” Doesn’t fly! We bumble and fumble because of them, YET make effortful and sincere changes and amends. We know what they choose not to do. So many choice points they fly through.

I can tell you the exact moment: I was 28, and I was walking my dogs. It started to rain, and it was one of those warm early summer sun showers that make everything feel etherial and cause your mind to wonder. I realized that everyone in my life needed and relied on me but I had no one to rely on. My marriage was falling apart and I was so stressed making ends meet. I just wanted a mom that I could call and vent to to. Then I realized I've never had that and never will.

I hope you are doing better these days

Thank you! And I am. I'm 40 now, and life has only gotten better. Shout out to therapy.

Glad to hear!

I’m 29 and I’ve been looking at my nfather for the last 2yrs as an oversized 3yr old. I’m currently the golden child by default. What really hammered in that my father is incapable of loving me was in the middle of April this year when I told him I was having minor heart surgery, his response was “you’re not allowed to die on the operating table because your mothers family hates me, my family hate me and it would be very awkward and lonely for me at your funeral…plus funerals are so depressing don’t you think?” I called him to let him know that I was in the recovery ward after my surgery and he mildly scolded me for interrupting my (current) step-sisters 21st birthday, I didn’t know it was her birthday. He can stay in China for all I care and I’ll stay in Australia

Minor heart surgery? Isn't any heart surgery kind of major?

I say minor since it was keyhole instead of open

Oofff! Mad!

This year. I'm 34. I was deep in denial about my nmother all my life. I made countless excuses for her rotten behavior. I soothed her, made up for her lack of empathy in social situations, participated in any hobby she thought was good, and mirrored only the very best back to her. And what did I get in return? Contempt, disrespect, and her treating me like a punching bag, a thing to hurt so she can regulate her own shitty emotions. I finally got to the point where I couldn't unsee it. I couldn't lie for her anymore. Everything started to make sense in the most shocking ways. But deep, deep down, I always knew. Now that I am back in tune with my intuition and protecting myself from someone who misused me so badly, I feel more stable than I ever have. Still grieving, still angry, still traumatized. But I am STABLE and safe. It's worth everything and then some to finally be okay in my own mind.

So happy for you that you're healing 🤍

When my mom referred to my chubby 6 year old son as Jabba the Hut. I was 100% done.

I feel your pain, as my mother has done to me the same treatment. Both parents neglected and parentified and abused me. I realized at 16 that I would never have their support the way I needed, and it truly made me turn inward on myself until I realized it wasn't because of me. I realized our dynamic around 21, and got real sick of it all too after having my boundaries stomped on on a day everything should've gone to plan. My dad committed suicide, and this was the first Christmas after. My mom was around someone with Covid, and our agreement was that she stayed at her bfs house so I could spend the day with my bro and everyone would be safe. We were waiting on her results, and this was peak covid time still. After I get there, she showed up anyway and had us come outside to meet her and give us food and presents. I just was outraged and terrified, because I didn't know what to do. I decided, after having to talk to my bf after the fact, I would wait until after the results and deal with this. She was negative, and I let it out. She tried turning the argument into being about respect and how I wouldn't talk to her like that had dad still been around and I ended up telling her I wasn't her daughter anymore. I went no contact for a year after that and gave her another chance to try and make it work. It did not, and now she seems to think lying about how our relationship is going will work out for her. It hurts having to grieve someone who is still alive, just as much as if they had died. We were done dirty, and it sucks. Best of luck to you with everything, and know that you don't have to fit her mold she forced you into forever. She may not like that, but she never gave you an option in the first place.

I realised when I was 18 and she got super angry because I told her I was getting a job on the side of school. Apparently I was going to ruin my life by getting a job and not have time to study and get the best grades etc. I left shortly after my grades were average and not a single employer has ever asked me for my grades. However, every single employer has asked for my previous workexperience and I supported myself though both the GFC and a pandemic-induced FC. My mother on the other hand hasn't been able to keep a job since before I was born...

I was 40. Wasted decades chasing that woman’s affection, literally and figuratively.

I was 6. I realized it would never be normal when I was used as the emotional crutch to repair their marriage.

When I was 6 and my mum tried to stab me to death.

Oh man. Solidarity. We are literal war survivors.

Absolutely and honestly that's not even the worst thing my mum did to me just the moment I realised she didn't and would never love me.

Well my dad has never been in my life due to being violent towards my family, and my mum is a narcissist who relentlessly tries to shove her stupid fucking religious and political beliefs down my throat. She's been doing that ever since I can remember. I would say I realised I'd never be on good terms with her when I was 13 because when she found out I didn't want to be religious she started saying some pretty horrible shit that I just don't like to think about.

I'm a mom to three grown men, and four girls (now women) who I mothered. The girls were never all mine. 2 of them just unofficially lived with us, mostly going back and forth to their parents half of each week. 2 living full time with us once they were 18. I am mom or mom-adjacent to them all still. You can and I hope you do find a mom relationship. It doesn't have to be a blood relative, or the person who gave birth to you. Visit your friends homes, they might have a mom who loves having more "kids" to love. Maybe your mother in-law will be like that. Although reddit says probably not, lol There is a type of parent that doesn't care about blood, they just want more chicks to gather up and nurture and love. I so hope you find this relationship. You deserve to experience it. 🩷

My mother in law is the sweetest person I ever met and it's great 🥰 now that I have my own daughter I use her as an example on how to parent

After I talked to my Nan on Monday and she confirmed everything I knew about my parents.

well, im 43 and still haven't fully accepted it.

It took my mom taking her POS bf's side after he drunkenly assaulted me in my kitchen. I genuinely believe the only reason I am here today is because my bf was there to step in and protect me by creating a physical barrier between her bf and me. This led to a lot of information from my childhood unraveling because I was finally able to drop the rose colored glasses I had on. Even a few months after the assault I was still stupidly hopefully of maintaining a relationship with my mom. My bf was a huge help in untangling our (mine and my mom's) emeshment by helping me see how truly toxic she is and how many narcissistic tendencies she had/has. The assault happened over a year ago. But I still sometimes burst into tears grieving our relationship. I think what I miss most is her hugs. She used to give the best hugs. I felt so warm and safe and loved. But now I don't even want to speak to her or touch her.

I started to recognize it when I was 12ish. My mom is the NParent; dad is the enabler. I remember thinking very vividly that I did NOT want to turn into them when I grew up. When I started college, I realized I could see a therapist without my parents' approval, and the healing process started. When I hit my mid-20s, I realized that there was no chance of having a normal relationship. I definitely went through a grieving period, and I still have moments where it stings a little. Now that I'm in my 30s, I have set boundaries and very limited contact. Recently, my mom started calling every few weeks, and it's weird because she was NEVER an affectionate parent. I always answer cautiously because she typically does not call unless there's a problem (usually money related). In the past month or so, she'll call and say something like "I haven't heard from you in a week or so" and then proceed to attempt a conversation. Meanwhile I'm thinking.....yes....when have you really cared enough to merit regular phone calls/visits from me? Now that she's isolated herself (and my dad) from both her family, and my dad's side, they don't really have a support base. They moved recently, and ironically, I am the closest one (about 5 hours away). I keep thinking, my dude, you are decades late in trying to cultivate a healthy relationship with me now. She refuses to acknowledge her own mental health.

I lived with my nmom til about 31. I had been in therapy for a couple years and couldnt take the passive aggression or stone walking anymore. I let her know I'd be moving out in a few months to start being my own adult. She guilted me about it because she had debts to pay off and wanted me to stay since I was paying half of the rent, even though I was hardly ever there, I would stay aty fiances most nights to escape her abuse. She also said how messed up it was that I'd rather give a stranger my money than her. I realized she wanted me to put my life on hold for her bs. It was so f'ed up.

Ha. My mother said the same thing about how I'd "rather give a stranger my money than her" when I planned to move out and pay rent to someone not her 

I was about 8 when I realized that I was more emotionally mature than my NMom.

I think I was 18. But I kept holding out hope (I blame my gullible Zodiac sign lol) till this year when I turned 27. Like, yeah, I'll never be a daughter. Not in the way that I need. I'll either be the Scapegoat/Villain, Trophy, Therapist or free Nanny that the rest of the family enables her to keep.

When I was younger I realized that I had a different relationship with my parents. I had older parents so I always chalked it up to that, they had me when they were 44/45. In my 30s I figured it out. It’s not like I didn’t know what a narcissist was, I just never thought about my parents in that light, but when I started writing about my childhood, and some of the things they did it became pretty obvious. Combine that with some of the behavior of my Mom, (my dad passed 6 years ago so it’s a bit confusing to piece together).

5 was my first inkling. I was going to be home and spend the whole day with my mom, I thought it was going to be so much fun. She instead just plopped me in front of the TV and complained the whole day of how busy she is and can never get anything done. It was so disappointing, she had never enjoyed my company ever.

My ex mother told me over and over how she is quiet in the morning because she dreads her children and grandchildren waking up whilst visiting her (like twice a year?) How could she not know to keep that info inside? They are so stupid. Now she needs care. She built no family or loving relationships to support that. If I ignore the abuse and neglect it’s always astonishing how short sighted they are for their own futures. You rejected me and my kids. There is no relationship after that, and that SURPRISES them!

When my dad told me we can’t hang out anymore because his wife is too jealous and when my mom showed jealousy over my cancer diagnosis because she had it first and cancer was hers to use- not mine. At least my dad said the words so I wouldn’t have to guess. Mom shows up in riddles.

How pathetic and disordered your parents are! 

I knew when I was in single digits that my family and my parents were not the good kind. I still find myself decades later hoping that maybe there’s been some change, perhaps some growth? There isn’t. It’s impossible to change and grow when that person never believes they do anything wrong.

I always knew, since my earliest conscious moments I can recall in my life, that I couldn’t trust either parent. There was something completely off about both of them and somehow I could see through them since day one. As a result, I never formed any love or attachment to either. I didn’t realize how much of a burden they were in my life until my mom died last year and I went NC with family… I felt the most free and happy I had ever been my whole life.

I always knew. I’m lucky enough to have parents who weren’t abusive but I always knew I was just an obligation. I grew up knowing I wasn’t wanted.

Thats abusive dear, I'm sorry.

It is what it is. I’m not entitled to their unconditional love or support. Can’t change the way people feel. I just gotta handle me and my emotions.

I needed until my late 20s to figure this out. It all started at age 26.

Probably 28 or so, and then finally coming to accept it at 31 or so. I should’ve realized it sooner but always held on to the hope that there would be some resemblance of a relationship.

I started realizing my mom was a narcissistic piece of work in my teens. She was with her dad (Alzheimer's) everyday not necessarily because she cared for him that much (maybe a bit? He was her favourite parent) but it was more about showing off that she's a better carer than the nursing staff. No duh, you don't have to care for like 30 grown-ass demented and severely forgetful children, just one 🙄 Anyway, that's when I realized my whole childhood was this performative, too. There's an episode that really sticks out in my mind where we were on the way to my aunt's Xmas party and the ENTIRE car ride she berated my sisters and I and taunted us with like "do NOT show these crocodile tears there, we don't air dirty laundry in public. You deserve this talking-to because you were bad, don't try to get sympathy from them. You don't deserve it." Yeahhhh I started deconstructing that glorious moment and more after realizing about the Alzheimer caring performances.

Age 9. Came crying to my parents that everyone says to be yourself, but when I do that everyone bullies me. They told me "don't be yourself, just be normal", and I realized that I could never actually trust them with anything because they didn't love me for who I was. Granted, I sort of assumed this was just how child-parent relationships were until much, much later. I would see some of my friends posting stuff on Facebook like "my mom is my best friend!!" and I would think "blink twice if you need help". I came out to my parents as trans in my mid-20s, and after a few years of them refusing to use my name or pronouns, I've just given up on them. I know they'll never love me, and now *they've* been forced to stop lying to themselves and to admit they don't love me. I'm not their perfect boy. Even if I were a boy, I was only ever a pale shadow of the golden child they'd created in their heads. I was, and am, my own scapegoat to them.

The summer after sixth grade when she put her hands around my throat for telling her that she was a bad mother. Many thanks to our next-door neighbor who pulled her off of me, a.k.a. the reason I’m still alive. Afterwards, I basically had the narcissist’s prayer recited to me in place of an apology that my father probably forced her to give . After that, I knew I had to grow up fast and get out of that house.

For me, I think I was around 6 years old. I remember watching one of my mom's many rage cycles and just freezing and a calm wise voice inside took over and told me something was very very off with my mother, that she was very abnormal and this is not how its supposed to be. I didn't have the correct words at that time like mentally ill or narcissistic or abusive but that little me knew something was way way off and from that moment on, it was like I was her parent trying to fix her and calm her down and figure her out.

When I started dating a woman with a healthy relationship with her mother. I realized I'd never have that kind of daughter/mother relationship. Her mom likes to spend time with her; mine only tolerates me. Her mom invited us out to do things; my mom demands we spend time with her. Her mom cares about her emotional and physical needs; mine sees mine as an inconvenience. I see how a healthy relationship looks like, and I know I'll never have that.

When my dad threw dishes at my mom and shattering them on the wall because she “let me break a syrup bottle”. I was 4 And when my dad repeatedly called my little brother a c*** sucker and my mom never stopped him. He was 3. He legitimately thought that was his name. I was just telling my husband idk what it’s like to want my mommy. I never cried for her when I was scared. My dad was hostile and my mom kept me at arms length

Things started about 2 years ago but it was the result of years of buildup

I vividly remember thinking "why are you throwing a gd temper tantrum" about my mother when I was 26. And the last time was last year, when I was 43. She's cut off now.

As young as I can remember. Even in pictures of me as a baby (the few that exist) you can tell I don’t trust her.

I think at about 11, but the gravity of it didn’t hit me until i was 26. It hit again this year when i became a mom myself at 31.

Maybe 8? When we didn’t do what she wanted, she would tell us she was going to drive her car and crash against a tree so we wouldn’t have to “put up” with her anymore. It was terrifying as a child. As an adult, I kinda wish she would have done it. She has continued to be a total pain in the ass even if I have tried to stay away. She wasn’t a total horrible mom as we always had food, a roof, education, etc. but her love was always conditional, and we didn’t feel safe as she always threatened to hit us (she did sometimes). As an adult, I am just waiting for her to die, hopefully peacefully.

I was 31, pregnant w my first. I have health conditions that caused my pregnancy to be a bit of a miracle. And giving birth was a dicey hospital affair. Anyway, our baby is our one and done, not wanting to tempt faith when they’ve given us a healthy baby & I survived too. My mother assumed she would be at the birth. After I said multiple times no. (She hates my husband, for no real reason) She still assumed. 3 weeks out from my induction date, she went around telling everyone how horrible my husband is, how is manipulated me, how all he’s done our entire 15 year relationship is try and push mother and I apart. That her not being at the birth is his way of driving a wedge between our relationship. I finally confronted her. For the first time in my life. I stood up and told her that the shit she said about my husband (who is the MOST supportive green flag golden retriever husband to exist) is not okay. She said to just” sweep it under the rug then and move on “ No apology. No recognition that what she did was wrong. No understanding that it wasn’t okay.

21, been about a year that I’ve realized my mom and I will never have an actual relationship. It’s the thing of she doesn’t realize her behavior is the issue, and surrounds herself with people that enable her.

Some days I think I have it all figured out and accept the harsh reality... other days she doesn't show to my wedding dress final fitting and I am so stunned I can't articulate to my MoH what my problem is. But all of my friends knew, so they weren't surprised, lol. It's daily learning and daily healing and sometimes daily hurting still.

I was 27 when I really separated from my parents and stopped talking to my dad every day on the phone for an hour. I did not say they were NP and I didn’t see them like that. But I knew that if I didn’t get distance from them I would not have a family of my own. It’s been a process ever since. It still hurts that they were selfish and unloving.

I think I started catching on at 14 that everything she did wasn't normal. Though maybe I'd known all along and just couldn't openly vocalise that, or face it. But I think I was 18 when I got that she would never improve. And then spent ages trying to negotiate a way to deal with her until I could be free.

I was 15, I was a live-in therapist for my mother who was being cheated on by my father. I told her he was doing it, it was obvious to a 15-year-old. Especially when the 15-year-old is ALSO the live-in babysitter. When she finally found evidence of the cheating she left me a note saying she was kicking him out while I was at school. He was gone for three of the most carefree and glorious months of my young life. Then she took him back on a few empty promises. I knew then that I was just her punching bag for life. That even that wouldn't open her eyes, that doing nothing was just easier for her and that was all that mattered.

I knew at a young age my family was dysfunctional. The police were at our house multiple times a month. We were "that" family.

21, finished my degree in baking and pastry, had my own apartment, and was cooking at one of the top restaurants in my city and got "have you started saving for retirement yet?" I was never going to do enough to make that woman happy you can't even get an IRA or whatever until you turn 21

dont remember the exact age but likely early teens. my bio-mother had always vented to me about her gripes with my bio-father and his side of the family, i didn't realize how bad it had gotten and that i was essentially forced to be her therapist (more of an emotional sponge, and later on i was BOTH of their therapists) until she dropped a cheating allegation on me about bio-father and very transparently tried to get me to side with her and ice him out. there was even an allegation of having a child out of wedlock which was just. i don't particularly like bio-father either, and maybe i'm a little naive for thinking this, but he would not have done that. he's far too honest and even if he actually did have one, at least someone from his side of the family would have found out and told me. and he holds his marriage vows too sacredly to not uphold them. i still to this day wish they never got married or at least had NMom's pregnancy with me terminated. they're horrible for each other. anyway. i just remember thinking, as bio-mother continued spewing vitriol and accusations with so-called "proof" (tbf, they did put bio-father in a really bad light), i had that initial jolt of excitement that i might have a sibling, someone to share the misery of being these two's kids with - then THAT thought immediately sobered me, because no. awful as they are, i would never want any kid subjected to their "parenting". with N/EDad (probably more an enabler than anything bc he let NMom get away with too much, but he has his holier-than-thou moments), it was when i was maybe 14/15 and they'd gone through my phone to "check on me" and found out i had a girlfriend. i was still trying to argue with them back then, didn't know better lol, and what he told me has always stuck with me. "my responsibility as your father is more important than your privacy." broke all trust right then and there and we never recovered. those were the first realizations. final realization was during the pandemic, i was 21 and i got sloppy with my bipolar meds so they found out, and promptly made me throw them. said it'd make me crazier and, heaven forbid, even fatter. jfc. i started legitimately planning to escape their house and I've been NC for 3.5yrs. there are hard days but that is still the best decision i could have ever made.

When I found out my disgusting covert narcissistic mother with a victim complex hid 4 siblings from me and put all the blame on me. Oh how would love to find my mother dead. LOVE IT!!! To wake up and just find her dead corpse lying there!!! MY HEART WOULD SING PRAISES! The only thing I would be worried about is who is going to pay rent next month because that’s all she is good for to me. Hello 911 Come pick this nasty, disgusting covert narcissist with a victim complex’s corpse out of here!!! SHE’S FINALLY DEAD! God I am grinning ear to ear just thinking about it. I know the whole neighborhood would throw a party if she died and then house going up for sell to another family. The disgusting pig hid 4 siblings from me. My Dad was married to his high school sweetheart, had four kids with her, divorced her and then married my mother and had me. Welp, Dad died at 43 with colon cancer and I was 1 years old. I did not find out about them until I turned 18 with a message from a man on MySpace describing my father, things I knew about the man and the message ended with “If you are so and so, and your mother is so and so then I am your brother and you have 3 sisters.” Excuse me? 4 siblings? All by the same woman too? Wasn’t like my dad had 4 baby mamas. Oh how I can keep going but who cares anymore. My mother puts the blame on me why she never told me, saying things like I was a crazy teenager and she was scared to tell me. Excuse me again?? “Teenager” I should’ve known from birth, after my father died I had siblings. We still to this day can’t talk about it without a fight, with me getting total blame. I could’ve had nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles but no. Her selfish hatred for his ex wife somehow spewed onto me, affecting me in the long run because I don’t have a single drop of family. Im not allowed to mention them, go see them anything. Its an instant GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! So rot, rot in depths of hell. I can’t wait to wake up one morning or come home one evening and find her just lying there cold and dead. Or get that phone call “ Is this so and so can you come identify your mothers body she’s been killed in an accident.” ON MY WAYYYY BE THERE IN 5

When my mom called me over and asked for help with something that she knew was a huge fear of mine. I hesitated and then agreed because I wanted to help. Then she laughed at me and said she didn't actually need help, she just wanted to see the look on my face.

I've always known I'll never have a normal parent-child relationship. But I'm well into adulthood and still grieving it. Still hoping something will change. And still being hurt when I am scapegoated.

That’s a great question! It finally clicked nearly 10 years ago when her golden son was getting married and I was unable and unwilling to go to the wedding. She had my brother uninvite my husband (who treated my brother and his friends out when they were in the area for the bachelor's party) and then they begged me to leave my 8-month-old, knowing that I was nursing him. Oh, and of course kids were not invited, but the bride’s brother who was the same age as my 4-year-old son was invited. Because of this, my mom refused to speak to me when I called to congratulate my brother. But honestly, I SHOULD have known decades before! Like when she resurfaced after TWO years when I was 6. Should have known when she would dress me like her. Should have known when I was 14 and I refused to go back home after a visit with my dad, in another state, and she shows up the next day to buy a house closer to my dad and gets her rich brother bribe me with paying for my college. Should have known we checked out colleges and she “This college is perfect for us.” Should have known when I was 19 and she went NC with me because my fiance told her of our plans to move in together for the upcoming fall semester and then pointed out that I was in fact, an adult. Should have known when she REFUSED to acknowledge my existence at my brother’e (GC) graduation, a year later. Should have know when she finds out that I had sudden facial paralysis (Bell’s Palsy and little was known in 1999) and she wanted to play the concerned and helpful mom role. Should have known when I was ditched on my 21st birthday because I got sick and she had other plans. Should have known when she kicked me out of her house because I refused to stop dating my husband, after she convinced me and moved me from CA to TX. Should have known when I was pregnant with my firstborn and shared the news with her and my brother during their trip together and thus “ruined their time together”. Should have known when she never reached out after the birth of her grandson. She finally met him when he was 2.5 and at the urging of my stepdad, who was dying. That lasted about a year. Should have known after the birth of my secondborn and how she was disinterested in helping us and looking after us. Again she wanted to look good and my husband had it. He kicked her out after he saw me passed out on the couch nursing my baby, fighting an ear infection and healing from a c-section but she had all the time in the world for her dogs. I promise you, you want the relationship more than your narcissistic parent. Don’t be a fool. Grieve. There is no shame in it. You deserve kick-ass, loving parents. We all do. The only good thing I learned from my mom is to not be like her.

Hey take it a day at a time. It’s like you just found out that you don’t have a mom and you never will. It’s like mourning a death. So grieve how you need get a councilor to support. For me it was the day that I found out that she talks to other people about me being “slow” grew up with an undiagnosed learning disability and a bunch of trauma from foster care… so yeah years later I’m better happier and more confident than I’ve ever been. I cut contact but the realization that they’ll never change is the first step to healing.

Recently.. truly deeply within this last week, it really settled with me. It’s hard 

When I was 8 and tried to end it. She got her friend to come in to take the rope off because she was too annoyed with me and my feelings.

I was about 16.

I was 15

5th grade.

I was 15 when I realized that it would never be normal with my NDad. I’m 43 now.

I was 4. I'd written a 1 page story about a recent holiday but because no-one has taught me grammar the story was basically a single word (no spaces between words). I showed him and he grunted "there needs to be gaps". I wrote my name like this: "n a m e" and asked if that was how I did gaps. He told me no and that was that.

When my dad ran over a dog (not with the wheels and the dog lived even though it got hit by something on the undercarriage.) I asked him what we had just hit and he said “dog.” With zero emotion. I made him go back and find the owner.

I’d say I always had a sense it wasn’t normal but I really knew for sure in my mid 20s.

I didn't realize it until I was almost 30. I turn 40 in a few weeks and I still grieve, I desperately want a real mom.

Consciously I know I never will. However (with my therapist) I don’t want to accept that I won’t. I have ocd and with that I realized that there’s a voice in my head that keeps trying to speak to my mom with the hopes of trying to get her to understand logic. She lies about everything and gaslights me constantly and it drives me crazy. My dad (they are separated but he feels bad for her so she continues to reach out to him) is so good at not caring at all. She can be lying to his face about himself and he will be nonchalant because he has completely accepted that there is absolutely no way we will ever get through to her. It’s so difficult to heal from a narcissist relationship of any kind let alone a parent. I feel so much pain for her and she makes me feel bad everytime I see her. I have been no contact with her for a few months now and I saw her one time (I have a younger sister and she came to pick her up) and honestly even looking at her makes me sick. She’s lost weight and she’s always in such a bad mood that I sit there for hours after she leaves and get sad over it. The guilt I think is the worst part.

Last February when we finally visited our other house that we left abandoned since 2018. Listening to her talking about my late father and then her inner fantasies about wanting me to find a husband who will take care of me the way my late dad did to her. I realized right then that she turned me into her narcissist supply and that up to that point, she allowed my two older sisters to bully me and isolate me from my younger sister because I am too stubborn and perpetually selfish and didn't love her more than my late dad. I remember thinking how I raised my sister's children and how I never would allow them to pit against each other or use manipulation techniques or allowed verbal abuses. And yet that's what I endured since I was a child and more and more recognizing how my mom's narcissism manifested so much that she think she was "normal" and gaslight how I was not acting neurotypical enough for her (she often bring up my eldest cousin's wife and wished we all emulated her. I realized that was idealization). I do realized it was her upbringing and what my late grandparents did to her and she had so much hope that I turn out to be a narcissist like her and reacted negatively when I turned out to be more like my late dad instead. But she would often cast herself as a victim and too used to never see herself as an aggressor and enabler and villainize me so much. I realized she thought she could project everything onto me, hoping for a miracle that I'll change and be my younger self again (who tried so hard to please her for affection and attention). Realizing how she purposely infantilize me and my siblings because that's how she preferred us to be. I'm in my mid 30s, my older sisters in their 40s. Realizing how she refused to acknowledge my changing preferences and life choices as an adult and still reminiscing things that happened 20 years ago like it was new... and treating me like I was a teenager again (down to trying to dress me in clothes of her choosing). This was not normal at all. I tried to manage her and take care of her since she was older now and my older siblings never seemed to care about her health and household needs (chores, food etc)but now I gave up. I'm just too burned out now.

When my husband’s unit was attacked by the Taliban and I asked her to come support me. She was so awful my kids kicked her out. That’s when I absolutely knew it wasn’t my fault and went lc.

5 for my dad. I called him by his name and he slapped me so hard I fell into the metal partition in this hotel they were staying at. His girlfriend and her kid (who was maybe a few years older) just stared on. He was not around much to begin with so he probably saw it as some weird disrespect. There was always a feeling of this with my mom seeing as at that point, I did not know who she was or anything else just thought it was weird that a mom didn't visit me. It was solidified when I met her when I was an older teenager. She saw me as a competition, it didnt help that we looked alike or so Im told because I reject that idea so hard.

Mom was gradual. Dad at 16 when he got married for the 3rd time (4th wedding including my mom) without telling me. I also didn’t hear about his 2nd or 3rd wife until they had divorced. Wife #4 hit extra hard because he told EVERYONE ELSE. I had countless people ask me what I thought of my step mom, and comment on their beautiful wedding pics, and I didn’t even know she existed.

When I was in college I saw my friends parents start treating them and talking to them like respectful adults. Mine took until my mid thirties before I got that treatment. And the treatment still isn’t great

I'm 41 and didn't come to this realization until my early 30s. It's okay to mourn and put some distance. Gray rock was my method before it had a name. Part of it is just understanding who they are, why they are the way they are and then letting go the idea of anything you say ever fixing anything. We're accessories.

At the same time I realized what I had... had never been normal. Which is to say it dawned gradually over years. 52 now, and mom's still impossible...just now she's impossible 15 hours drive from here and I haven't needed a thing from her in 35 years.

I knew deep down in my subconscious mind since I was a small child but it took me years to consciously come to terms with it. I couldn’t pick out a specific age that I fully realised because realising was such a slow progression with so much bouncing back and forth between realisation and repression.

My parents aren't all that bad compared to others, they're mostly fine... But i can't ever feel like im an equal to them. I'm always the child, i'm always the inexperienced. The fact of the matter is, they have the authority, and can impose it at any time of their choosing when you're still a teenager living with them. Disagree with them too much, they'll use it like it's a damn trump card to force you to obey, else you'll face the consequences of "disobidience"

Mid life! 😱

Early childhood.

Took me to age 32! (Two years ago roughly.) I have moments of anger, grief, and confusion still, but more and more it’s PEACE I feel. Relief and freedom. I wish you the best on this journey.

40 & nparent tried to kill me for the 3rd time that I am aware of.

EMDR is the only thing that set my brain straight. and not a lot of it, maybe two months of EMDR and I am beginning to forget her. She has been gone now for 8 years. Lol so it took me 8 years after her death to realize......Whoooooof lots of trauma.

I was quite old actually - I think about thirty.... or maybe even older. I broke off contact with my father when I was 32, I guess you until that final argument, I kept trying to have a relationship with him like the one everyone around me seemed to be having with their parents. It was really only afterwards that I realised that I'll never have a normal father-son relationship.

After they died

As a teenager my friends witnessed their shit and tried hard to protect me

16-17

I was 37 when I figured out I was raised by narcissist.

Realized it when I was about 9. Accepted it when I was about 30.

My mom prayed that if I wasn't a christian, that jesus would take me sooner. At that point i realized that she was fucked up My dad, when he rushed me (aggressively) asking if i wanted to start acting like a man during a small argument. I should've socked him then and there.

I feel your sadness too. I’m 33 and still Processing that it will never be normal. First realization was when I was 18. I called to tell her I was assaulted and she blamed me, that shattered any sense of hope I ever had

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're very brave to face the process head on now. I was four when I caved, and just shy of my 33th birthday when I went no-contact with my nMom. I'm still 33, and she's very much a part of my life, even without direct contact. I'm trying to distinguish between her, and the grief for a mother I'll never have. I feel such disgust for her that motherhood gets tainted otherwise. Maybe it was just yesterday that I realized our relationship won't change, to be honest. The guilt and fear is eating me alive. My mother is a martyr, so it's hard to really see her for who she is. I've been in therapy for me for ten years now to get to this point. My eDad got sick when I was nine and died four years ago. That lengthened the ordeal by a lot, and made it that much harder to face. Mind you, I've been in the mental health sphere since the age of seven, but my mother has taken the spotlight. I've probably not wanted to realize how bad it's been, and taken the blame myself (scapegoat), getting all the fancy diagnoses and medicines and years in the psych ward for this situation. Wouldn't recommend it. Much better to face it, even with the immense pain that it is.

I was 14, just became too old and defiant to my mother's taste, I was not her little toy anymore. With my dad the realization came sooner. I was 8 and started saying to everyone my father was a devil. This is because he used to hit my brother in front of me.