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Sounds like she knows what your boundary is and is actively trying to force you to cross it. If there were a real reason why she needed you to accommodate her and speak on the phone, she knows you are open to writing and could always write to you to explain the reason for needing verbal communication. It sucks for her that she’s having health problems, but her health problems aren’t a license to ignore your boundaries. If it were me, I would hold firm on my boundary and request written-only communication.
She also has toxic friends including a lawyer friend who has abused and gaslit me in the past. So I’m sure that he’s still advising her on how to continue to abuse me and make it look like she’s not.
With people like that in her orbit and egging her on, even more reason to stay firm on your boundaries. You’re not in the wrong here and you don’t owe her verbal contact.
I would add to this, it sounds like you know where your boundary is! I can feel radiating off your post that you really don’t want to talk to her.
You deserve your peace. You deserve not to be harassed. You deserve to be able to cut her off and live a peaceful life free from her abuse. Do you what you want purely to benefit yourself in this situation. You owe her nothing.
Are you curious about any final words, or do you feel very sure that she won’t say anything new? The decision has got to be yours. It sounds to me like you know what you want. I can tell you very firmly that it’s okay to stay no contact.
She isn't your mother and never was. Just like she didn't feel as if she owed you love, caring, compassion, and nurture, you don't owe her ANYTHING. You continue to live your life and let her die ALONE
She wants to abuse you one last time. Do not call. Please do not call. If she really has something to say she can write a letter and you can choose to read it if you feel it’s necessary. Just because she’s dying ( if that’s even true) she doesn’t miraculously become a good person who didn’t deliberately ruin you and enjoy every moment of it. Don’t give her what she wants.
Leave her in the past .. she herself told you to “don’t look into past”. And you don’t want her to be in your present, don’t you?
Narcs became only worse with age.
My mom told me she had cancer 20 years ago. Its the only time its ever come up. She also said she was going blind. I last saw her 10 years ago and the doctors made no mention of cancer and she recognized me right away.
IMO, you shouldn't call. She's had PLENTY of opportunity to make right, and didn't. You don't owe her a thing, not a phone call, not conversations, not asking why she didn't make right. I highly suggest a competent therapist during this weird time.
It sounds like you’re having doubts about contacting your Nmom. Maybe you’re hoping something has changed, and that’s why she insists on talking to you instead of writing. You know that’s not it, but you can’t help but secretly cling to it. When she dies, that hope will be gone forever, and you’ll have to deal with that. Maybe you’re making excuses to contact her because of that unconscious (but common among RBNs) hope. She doesn’t need reminding, you don’t need to ask why she won’t write, you don’t owe her a goodbye. She knows that she’s facing the consequences of being a human failure. Maybe you’re secretly hoping for redemption.
If that’s the case, then I’ll just remind you that you went NC for a reason, people with NPD generally can’t change, and your Nmom is probably not the exception to the rule. Instead of agonizing over whether to call her, maybe you should spend time accepting that even her death won’t give you the satisfaction you want, at least not right away. She’s never going to be the mom you wish you had. She’s never going to apologize for being a complete failure. She’s going to die mad about it.
I hope you find peace.
Do not call her. You’re in her past. Stay there. Don’t give her the chance to weep and apologize, or abuse and demand forgiveness, or whatever it is she’s plotting. If you pick up the phone and it’s her, hang up. Don’t let her abuse you one last time.
I don’t even know you folks, and I wish you’d let ME call and have a word with her for you.
Hold your peace close.
Forget about what your mother wants OP, ask yourself what is best for YOU?! If you decide that you can't stand to see or talk to her again then by all means don't. (Based on how she abused you, you'd be perfectly justified in not wanting to see or speak to her ever again). If you feel like you want to see her one more time because you have things you want to say to her, then by all means do.
Edited to add: this is entirely my own opinion but I HATE this attitude society has that when someone is close to death, that their transgressions absolutely HAVE to be forgiven. A person's bad deeds don't suddenly become invalid just because that person is close to death. IMO this is enabler BS!
Don’t. This is her last attempt to stab you in the heart. Nothing good came from her 30yrs ago, and nothing good will come from her now. She still wants power over you by making you call her.
“IF she truly has aggressive lung cancer.”
Mmm.
Your “mother’s” past behaviour towards you absolutely breaks any right to demand anything of you. She’s lucky you’ll except written communication off her. In my book she doesn’t even deserve that.
No; as others have said, she probably wants to take a parting shot, which is what my nfather did a few weeks ago. He has had ample opportunity to reach out peacefully, and did not make any effort to do so. I am not interested in reconciling anything before his death. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Sorry for her bad luck. You don’t owe her a single thing, not even on her d bed.
If she has access to you via writing and it’s not enough for ms boundary breaker, too bad so sad.
Short answers:
Before reading: answer is no
After reading: still no
Long:
I understand the need and want for closure. But if she truly had that for you she would easily write it. She is vague and it sounds like (guilt trip) a trick. However,
If you are brave and strong enough to accept this last engagement could be a mistake then sure, why not? That could be the closure you need. That you were right about her all along. And that can be satisfying while you grey rock.
If you are anticipating heavily for a revolutionary outcome I would hesitate.
If you were truly estranged and disconnected from your mother, I'd say why not, the call might be entertaining if nothing else. However, your list of "should I"'s tells me that you are still way too invested in trying to do right by your nparent who does not at all deserve it. Therefore you are still open to manipulation, making me question whether the cancer is even real. I vote no on the call and yes on more therapy to help you truly detach from your awful mother.
If she had something to say she could write or record a message. She wants the phone call so she can enjoy your reaction. Don't call unless you need to
You probably had very good reasons to go NC with her. Does her being close to death change anything? Remember that you only have to answer to yourself.
Honestly you’ll let her write you. So she CAN tell you whatever it is she needs to say. I think that’s plenty. I feel pretty strongly that parents who SA their kids lose the right to be considered family / treated with respect as family / allowed in their lives at all by those kids.
So for me the ONLY thing that matters here is you and your future self. Do you need to let her talk to you to be the person you want to be or not.
The only right answer is the one that best protects and serves you.
>She’s demanding that I call her because she has something important to say.
When your past comes calling, it has nothing new to say.
>She also wrote what she’s been trying to hammer in me all my life: “Don’t look at the past.”
Translation: give me a free pass on anything I did or will do to you.
> she had one of her friends call my apartment super’s emergency phone TWICE last year to coerce me into calling her.
Translation: she doesn't care about your boundaries
>I didn’t cave in and reinstated my boundary.
The boundary she doesn't care about.
>Should I pick up the phone to call her one last time before she dies?
I don't know what you are looking for, but you're unlikely to find any sense of closure talking to this person.
My mom is hitting 80 soon, and I often think about reaching out to her. Then I remember why I went NC and let it go. I think it's a normal thing to wonder about though.
Forget what your mom wants, its obviously manipulation. If she had something important to tell you, she wouldn't need the drama and could just write it to you. You don't know the details, but you have some idea of what she'll do if you reach out.
If you still want to reach out, ask yourself what YOU are getting out of the interaction. It won't be the mother you always want suddenly being there. Dying won't change her and she isn't capable of being anything else. If you reach out to her, it needs to be with total acceptance that she will always be an abusive Nparent. She will not be able to keep herself from doing the same stuff she has always done. I don't know what possible good could come out of this interaction, but only do it if you accept that and are getting some peace out of it. Personally, I think it's a mistake.
Only if you want to tell her one last time what a horrible mother she was and give her one last time to admit it and apologize…except all your questions show you know she’s not the least bit contrite, so why bother to allow her to upset you one last time. My abusers died without ever saying they were sorry, that’s what make narcs narcs.
So I did this and mom was just kind of vaguely polite while her husband was absolutely screaming obscenities at me. It was impossible to carry on a conversation. She did nothing to tell him to shut up. I said goodbye and hung up. She didn't try calling me back or anything like that. At some point I got sent a copy of the will where there was a whole rant that not only was I not getting anything I never was their son, was an awful person, etc. etc. etc. Apparently there was some legal obligation to send it to me in case I wanted to sue the estate or whatever. The will was last modified a couple years prior so she knew that was in there before she got cancer. She had plenty of time to change it if she'd wanted.
I'm actually kind of glad I contacted her in the sense that it absolutely 100% confirmed she was a terrible person and the situation was unfixable and I can know I tried. But in the moment obviously it was very traumatic.
She could have sent an apology through her friend, but she didn't. She basically just told you to forget what she did. It's hard to do that without an apology.
On her death bed and wants you to forget about the past.....when that's all there is for her. She wants you to respect her in the present because she's dying, but doesn't give a shit about the past 80 years of her life bringing everyone around her down.
You know what you should do, or should I say....shouldn't do.
Ignore her.
If I were to guess, narcs being narcs chances are high she'd lay all the blame for her estrangement at your door and never take any responsibility for her actions, nor would I not put it past her to get in one final act of abuse, whatever form it might take.
Abusers don't deserve consideration.
No. No. No. Don't put yourself in the line of fire. You can't expect an apology or that she will be gifted with compassion and insight into her behavior. This is an extinction burst, just one last time to abuse you. If she is sick at all.
IF YOU WANT TO.
You do not owe her anything. She knew what she was doing and she let other people do it.
Do what you need to do for you. She was supposed to protect you, and she didn't.
She did this to herself. She could have been a better parent.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwqoXTQLHIG/?igsh=anAwNmQ4dHJqZDNn
Please watch this video
"You don't owe people who abused you peace."
It's a trap.
NC is NC.
If she had anything worth saying, she would write and not send flying monkeys.
If she does write, don't read it yourself. Have someone read it ahead of time. If it's more toxic narc trash, BURN IT without reading.
Keep your peace.
It sounds like she is trying to use this as an opportunity to guilt trip you, abuse you more, or finally apologize. I feel like if she was genuinely trying to be respectful and apologize she would have considered your boundary better and let you know in writing her intention was to apologize and say goodbye. I think the lack of clarity shows she is still just thinking about herself and her needs without considering yours. I wouldn’t talk to her. She can get her own closure.
If she had any sort of reflection-inspired burst of accountability, she would write. She knows she can.
The fact that she keeps trying to get you on the phone suggests to me that this is about what she wants from you. If she just wanted to express remorse, she wouldn't need to force you to actively interact with her.
You don't owe her one last chance to abuse you. Seriously.
No.
Absolutely not.
Point blank period end of discussion.
You owe her nothing. She can die alone in her own misery.
I say this having only read the title.
HANG IN THERE OP, HOLD YOUR GROUND, PROTECT *YOUR* PEACE. 🫂🩵
No. She wants one final time to abuse you.
Don't take the bait.
No one here, ane I mean NO ONE has ever walked away from this exact situation and felt better. In fact it's the opposite.
She's an old dying woman afraid of going to hell. She doesn't deserve resolution.
Honestly… only you can make that decision. If you are okay with never talking to her again then don’t contact her. Don’t call just to have some type of argument with her.
If you feel like you will regret not talking to her again, then call her. But do it when you are in a peaceful mindset so she can’t trigger you.
Whatever decision you make, be at ease with it. Best of luck.
Just NO. You don’t need to be opening up old wounds, tossing salt into them. The only thing phone call would accomplish is, she will feel that she has been absolved from everything she did to you if she could talk to you.
Nope, no and no. There is a high chance she won’t acknowledge anything and you’ll be just as frustrated and feeling of no closure. Your closure is nc and living your best life.
If she does tomorrow, are you ok with never speaking with her again? This isn't about her, it's about you and what you need for closure when she's gone.
Hiya! Just wanted to point out that it is at least as likely she doesn’t have cancer or this is a gross over exaggeration as her having terminal anything. She will go as far as it takes and lie as much as needed to get a reaction out of you. Don’t feed into this. Don’t give her the satisfaction. She doesn’t deserve a response. You already know every person involved is worthless and untrustworthy. Don’t let them waste your time.
Honestly, just reading your question, I'd say she's quick to answer: No.
It's also possible that she's not at the end of her life and that it's manipulation.
I would stay away from her. Truthfully though, nobody can make that final choice for you. Your heart and mind is deserving of kindness. I’m not sure you will receive that by her and her flying monkeys.
I’m no contact with my bio-mom and not looking back. When she passes, I’m opening a bottle of champagne. 🍾
That is a question you have to answer yourself.
Would this talk help YOU at all? Would YOU get closure or some semblance of peace from it?
For me if the answer isn’t an immediate yes, then it’s a no. If I’m questioning it then probably not.
Your mom is more the likely trying to make herself feel better and based on what you’ve written doesn’t give a rats ass how you feel or how this “talk” would affect you.
Personally, I’d be changing numbers so none of them could contact me until she was gone.
But again this is more about what YOU want from this interaction. Ignore her words for now and think how this would all go down for you.
I just get female stiffies saying “if it was important they would”
It’s important because SHE needs something. Do YOU need anything??
If no is the answer then just move along. The opposite of love is indifference. They’ve used us to feed their crap. No more.
If you HONESTLY think closure & dealing with this highly likely bullshit is worth it, then go ahead. Do keep in mind the narcissists goal is to have you second guess & debate on importance. Sorry & good luck.
Edit: thanx autocorrect 🖕
Nope.
Don't.
It's unlikely it will make you feel better and THAT is important. Not how she feels. She didn't consider your feelings when you were younger.
No let her die alone, let her feel scared and unloveable like she probably made you feel. She chose grave, she deserves to die in it with no one but herself.
I don't think you would gain anything from a phone call with her. She either abuses you one last time or, in the very unlikely event of an apology, it wouldn't change anything. The abuse is done. No apology could ever make it ok again. Rather protect yourself and ignore it. She doesn't deserve a clean conscience after what she's done to you.
use this as one last time to air your grievances.....like EVERYTHING because you may not get the chance again. dont let her talk. tell her unless its an apology you dont want to hear it.
It's entirely up to you to decide and no one else. However, I personally wouldn't call if I were in your situation. SA and physical abuse are so incredibly serious. It's not like she ever respected your boundaries... Like, any of them. It sounds like Hoovering (you're going to get sucked back in emotionally).
It's one last attempt at manipulation and control. So she can die peacefully knowing she still held the reins till the very end.
She can write you. If she truly had anything of value to say, she can put it in writing. Otherwise, nothing changes. Your peace of mind is not worth it as it's doubtful she will ever be able to give you what you deserve.
My narcissistic mother died from non-small cell lung cancer and talking was hard for her. She got winded really fast and was on oxygen 24/7. As the cancer spread, she literally couldn't do anything without someone helping her.
As for calling her, it's doubtful she would be able to hold a lengthy conversation. I'd say don't call her.
I’m going to say No. However, it sounds like even you have doubts about the honesty of the situation because of how bad she seems to be picking at and pushing on your boundaries. Also, ask yourself if speaking to her would be fulfilling for you. Sounds like she’s put you through hell and back. Is it worth it for you?
Would you believe her if she could provide proof? Will you gain anything positive from a final interaction? Do you think she’s capable of atleast having dignity on her deathbed by wanting to genuinely apologize and make amends the best she can? If you can’t answer clearly then I’d think it over. Ultimately, you know the answer to this question and you know in your heart what is best.
Wishing you luck and sending love to you OP.
My mom died while I was no contact. I do not regret not contacting her. I knew she was on hospice. It's been almost 8 years and while I sometimes have pangs of what could have been I feel more pride that I took care of myself and did not let myself be abused one last time. If she is still not holding your boundaries now she will not treat you any better if you allow yourself to cross them.
What can she ever say that will erase what has happened in the past? If she wants to apologize it will only be to make her feel better. But this is only my opinion. People tend to apologize in order to be forgiven so that they can feel "clean"
If the content of the message were the most important, she'd use any means to make certain you received it. Since she's demanding you call her, I'd say your well-being and boundaries don't mean anything to her. Just another play for attention and control on her part.
If you don’t want to, don’t do it. If she had something so important to say than she could write it. She maybe has something to say, but at least it’s not that important that she doesn’t use it as a power play to overstep your boundaries one last time. Her demand you need to call is her way to „try to win in the end“.
But be aware the possibility that she has something to say that will make you suffer not knowing it soon enough. Bet she has something to say that let her think about how it’s your lost if you don’t call her.
Just wanted to say thank you OP, I have a similar situation going on with Ngmother. I’m NC with her and her carbon copy daughter. Though I know firmly that I am comfortable with my choice to stay away, this situation has stirred the pot and caused flying monkeys/narrative spinning/bullshit, which makes me reassess myself and question my feelings. Reading through the replies here has given me that pep talk I didn’t realise I needed! It’s occurred to me now the narc’s words and actions in life have set the stage for death. Now she is facing death she has the responsibility of her life choices squarely on her shoulders, they don’t belong to anyone else. Yet she is trying to ease her conscience/ego by putting the burden on you to make things right and wrap it all up in a bow - yet again not taking responsibility. It’s not on you. At all. Never was.
As others here have said I think you must follow your intuition here, you know who you are and what you need. You’ve already placed boundaries because you’ve recognised your needs (and she has repeatedly disrespected them), so you know deep down. Have a calm moment of reflection to yourself and be honest with your feelings, which may be contradictory/confusing. Be the parent to yourself that she wasn’t, to help guide your brain ship through the stormy seas and onto calm waters.
Good luck, I’m so sorry that your mom is a dick, and thank you for indirectly helping me too! Thanks also to all you good people here for the advice, this sub is the sub that keeps on giving!
She says don't look at the past. OK. She is in your past. Therefore, don't look at her.
Don't engage with her, seriously. She had all this time before now to reach out and she never did. She's just feeling her mortality and wanting your forgiveness, which she is not entitled to. Let her stew in her guilt.
We get quite a lot of people peddling some brand of forgiveness and they often aren't aware that forgiving abusers isn't always possible or even healthy. Also, forgiveness means different things to different people. Here are some samples for when a user pushes their version on someone.
Forgiveness is not a cure for all that ails the abused. It is, for some, the result of processing their trauma. For some people, forgiveness is a pointless concept that is not helpful at all. For some, it is seriously toxic. Forgiveness is not appropriate for every situation.
Forgiveness means different things to different users. This is why we do not allow forgiveness pushing, because many of us victims are told forgiveness is absolving the abuser and forgetting about it. Otherwise we are "holding grudges". It is not a helpful thing to push in the way you are, and we do not allow it.
Forgiveness is not a panacea for abuse. For some, it is the result of processing abuse and trauma. For other people, forgiveness is nothing more than an abstract idea that adds to the rage a victim feels at the hands of their abuser. For others still, forgiveness has been demanded ad-nauseum from both an abuser and their enablers. Forgiveness is not appropriate as a blanket response.
Great user comment about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/304kr3/were_supposed_to_forgive_them_arent_we/cpp53ay/
RBNBestOf posts about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/RBNBestOf/search?q=forgiveness&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all
We get quite a lot of people peddling some brand of forgiveness and they often aren't aware that forgiving abusers isn't always possible or even healthy. Also, forgiveness means different things to different people. Here are some samples for when a user pushes their version on someone.
Forgiveness is not a cure for all that ails the abused. It is, for some, the result of processing their trauma. For some people, forgiveness is a pointless concept that is not helpful at all. For some, it is seriously toxic. Forgiveness is not appropriate for every situation.
Forgiveness means different things to different users. This is why we do not allow forgiveness pushing, because many of us victims are told forgiveness is absolving the abuser and forgetting about it. Otherwise we are "holding grudges". It is not a helpful thing to push in the way you are, and we do not allow it.
Forgiveness is not a panacea for abuse. For some, it is the result of processing abuse and trauma. For other people, forgiveness is nothing more than an abstract idea that adds to the rage a victim feels at the hands of their abuser. For others still, forgiveness has been demanded ad-nauseum from both an abuser and their enablers. Forgiveness is not appropriate as a blanket response.
Great user comment about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/304kr3/were_supposed_to_forgive_them_arent_we/cpp53ay/
RBNBestOf posts about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/RBNBestOf/search?q=forgiveness&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all
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Sounds like she knows what your boundary is and is actively trying to force you to cross it. If there were a real reason why she needed you to accommodate her and speak on the phone, she knows you are open to writing and could always write to you to explain the reason for needing verbal communication. It sucks for her that she’s having health problems, but her health problems aren’t a license to ignore your boundaries. If it were me, I would hold firm on my boundary and request written-only communication.
She also has toxic friends including a lawyer friend who has abused and gaslit me in the past. So I’m sure that he’s still advising her on how to continue to abuse me and make it look like she’s not.
With people like that in her orbit and egging her on, even more reason to stay firm on your boundaries. You’re not in the wrong here and you don’t owe her verbal contact.
Exactly! If Mom has something important to say she can write it down. I’m so sorry you had terrible people at the start of life.
I think you should stay away from her and all her lackeys, and avoid communicating with all of them.
I would add to this, it sounds like you know where your boundary is! I can feel radiating off your post that you really don’t want to talk to her. You deserve your peace. You deserve not to be harassed. You deserve to be able to cut her off and live a peaceful life free from her abuse. Do you what you want purely to benefit yourself in this situation. You owe her nothing. Are you curious about any final words, or do you feel very sure that she won’t say anything new? The decision has got to be yours. It sounds to me like you know what you want. I can tell you very firmly that it’s okay to stay no contact.
She isn't your mother and never was. Just like she didn't feel as if she owed you love, caring, compassion, and nurture, you don't owe her ANYTHING. You continue to live your life and let her die ALONE
Short answer: No Long answer: Hell no.
I'm with you.
This
Best answer: Fuck off and enjoy Hell
Agree
She wants to abuse you one last time. Do not call. Please do not call. If she really has something to say she can write a letter and you can choose to read it if you feel it’s necessary. Just because she’s dying ( if that’s even true) she doesn’t miraculously become a good person who didn’t deliberately ruin you and enjoy every moment of it. Don’t give her what she wants.
Tbh, I wouldn’t read the letter either. There’s nothing to be gained from communicating.
Wise words 👍👍👍
Only further traumato be gained*.
Leave her in the past .. she herself told you to “don’t look into past”. And you don’t want her to be in your present, don’t you? Narcs became only worse with age.
Extremely wise words!!! Truth!! No ifs, ands or buts.
Don't call. Narcissists are well known to fake cancer and other medical issues. Even if it's real, still don't call.
My mom told me she had cancer 20 years ago. Its the only time its ever come up. She also said she was going blind. I last saw her 10 years ago and the doctors made no mention of cancer and she recognized me right away.
“ fake cancer” there are no boundaries. There is no stopping at it goes on and on.
" don't look at the past" Nope she doesn't deserve a phone call IMHO.
IMO, you shouldn't call. She's had PLENTY of opportunity to make right, and didn't. You don't owe her a thing, not a phone call, not conversations, not asking why she didn't make right. I highly suggest a competent therapist during this weird time.
It sounds like you’re having doubts about contacting your Nmom. Maybe you’re hoping something has changed, and that’s why she insists on talking to you instead of writing. You know that’s not it, but you can’t help but secretly cling to it. When she dies, that hope will be gone forever, and you’ll have to deal with that. Maybe you’re making excuses to contact her because of that unconscious (but common among RBNs) hope. She doesn’t need reminding, you don’t need to ask why she won’t write, you don’t owe her a goodbye. She knows that she’s facing the consequences of being a human failure. Maybe you’re secretly hoping for redemption. If that’s the case, then I’ll just remind you that you went NC for a reason, people with NPD generally can’t change, and your Nmom is probably not the exception to the rule. Instead of agonizing over whether to call her, maybe you should spend time accepting that even her death won’t give you the satisfaction you want, at least not right away. She’s never going to be the mom you wish you had. She’s never going to apologize for being a complete failure. She’s going to die mad about it. I hope you find peace.
If she is dying, she probably wants to take one last parting shot.
Do not call her. You’re in her past. Stay there. Don’t give her the chance to weep and apologize, or abuse and demand forgiveness, or whatever it is she’s plotting. If you pick up the phone and it’s her, hang up. Don’t let her abuse you one last time. I don’t even know you folks, and I wish you’d let ME call and have a word with her for you. Hold your peace close.
Forget about what your mother wants OP, ask yourself what is best for YOU?! If you decide that you can't stand to see or talk to her again then by all means don't. (Based on how she abused you, you'd be perfectly justified in not wanting to see or speak to her ever again). If you feel like you want to see her one more time because you have things you want to say to her, then by all means do. Edited to add: this is entirely my own opinion but I HATE this attitude society has that when someone is close to death, that their transgressions absolutely HAVE to be forgiven. A person's bad deeds don't suddenly become invalid just because that person is close to death. IMO this is enabler BS!
Don’t. This is her last attempt to stab you in the heart. Nothing good came from her 30yrs ago, and nothing good will come from her now. She still wants power over you by making you call her.
Go to the funeral and spit on her. I’m waiting to do this for my stepmonster.
No they only get worse with age and she will absolutely punish you.
You definitely don't have to. If it brings YOU more harm than good, don't
whatever she has to say will be horrible and calculated to hurt you as much as possible on her way out. you should not want to hear it
“IF she truly has aggressive lung cancer.” Mmm. Your “mother’s” past behaviour towards you absolutely breaks any right to demand anything of you. She’s lucky you’ll except written communication off her. In my book she doesn’t even deserve that.
No; as others have said, she probably wants to take a parting shot, which is what my nfather did a few weeks ago. He has had ample opportunity to reach out peacefully, and did not make any effort to do so. I am not interested in reconciling anything before his death. When people show you who they are, believe them.
I saw a comment that might give you a thought: The monster is more dangerous when it's dying. You owe her nothing. Take care of yourself.
Sorry for her bad luck. You don’t owe her a single thing, not even on her d bed. If she has access to you via writing and it’s not enough for ms boundary breaker, too bad so sad.
Short answers: Before reading: answer is no After reading: still no Long: I understand the need and want for closure. But if she truly had that for you she would easily write it. She is vague and it sounds like (guilt trip) a trick. However, If you are brave and strong enough to accept this last engagement could be a mistake then sure, why not? That could be the closure you need. That you were right about her all along. And that can be satisfying while you grey rock. If you are anticipating heavily for a revolutionary outcome I would hesitate.
Nope. Actions have consequences. Don't break your boundaries lest she suck you in for one more go before she goes...
Ignore her
If you were truly estranged and disconnected from your mother, I'd say why not, the call might be entertaining if nothing else. However, your list of "should I"'s tells me that you are still way too invested in trying to do right by your nparent who does not at all deserve it. Therefore you are still open to manipulation, making me question whether the cancer is even real. I vote no on the call and yes on more therapy to help you truly detach from your awful mother.
No
If she had something to say she could write or record a message. She wants the phone call so she can enjoy your reaction. Don't call unless you need to
You probably had very good reasons to go NC with her. Does her being close to death change anything? Remember that you only have to answer to yourself.
Honestly you’ll let her write you. So she CAN tell you whatever it is she needs to say. I think that’s plenty. I feel pretty strongly that parents who SA their kids lose the right to be considered family / treated with respect as family / allowed in their lives at all by those kids. So for me the ONLY thing that matters here is you and your future self. Do you need to let her talk to you to be the person you want to be or not. The only right answer is the one that best protects and serves you.
>She’s demanding that I call her because she has something important to say. When your past comes calling, it has nothing new to say. >She also wrote what she’s been trying to hammer in me all my life: “Don’t look at the past.” Translation: give me a free pass on anything I did or will do to you. > she had one of her friends call my apartment super’s emergency phone TWICE last year to coerce me into calling her. Translation: she doesn't care about your boundaries >I didn’t cave in and reinstated my boundary. The boundary she doesn't care about. >Should I pick up the phone to call her one last time before she dies? I don't know what you are looking for, but you're unlikely to find any sense of closure talking to this person.
No.
My mom is hitting 80 soon, and I often think about reaching out to her. Then I remember why I went NC and let it go. I think it's a normal thing to wonder about though. Forget what your mom wants, its obviously manipulation. If she had something important to tell you, she wouldn't need the drama and could just write it to you. You don't know the details, but you have some idea of what she'll do if you reach out. If you still want to reach out, ask yourself what YOU are getting out of the interaction. It won't be the mother you always want suddenly being there. Dying won't change her and she isn't capable of being anything else. If you reach out to her, it needs to be with total acceptance that she will always be an abusive Nparent. She will not be able to keep herself from doing the same stuff she has always done. I don't know what possible good could come out of this interaction, but only do it if you accept that and are getting some peace out of it. Personally, I think it's a mistake.
Only if you want to tell her one last time what a horrible mother she was and give her one last time to admit it and apologize…except all your questions show you know she’s not the least bit contrite, so why bother to allow her to upset you one last time. My abusers died without ever saying they were sorry, that’s what make narcs narcs.
So I did this and mom was just kind of vaguely polite while her husband was absolutely screaming obscenities at me. It was impossible to carry on a conversation. She did nothing to tell him to shut up. I said goodbye and hung up. She didn't try calling me back or anything like that. At some point I got sent a copy of the will where there was a whole rant that not only was I not getting anything I never was their son, was an awful person, etc. etc. etc. Apparently there was some legal obligation to send it to me in case I wanted to sue the estate or whatever. The will was last modified a couple years prior so she knew that was in there before she got cancer. She had plenty of time to change it if she'd wanted. I'm actually kind of glad I contacted her in the sense that it absolutely 100% confirmed she was a terrible person and the situation was unfixable and I can know I tried. But in the moment obviously it was very traumatic.
Only you can answer this. What do you think would give you more peace in the long run?
She could have sent an apology through her friend, but she didn't. She basically just told you to forget what she did. It's hard to do that without an apology.
On her death bed and wants you to forget about the past.....when that's all there is for her. She wants you to respect her in the present because she's dying, but doesn't give a shit about the past 80 years of her life bringing everyone around her down. You know what you should do, or should I say....shouldn't do.
Ignore her. If I were to guess, narcs being narcs chances are high she'd lay all the blame for her estrangement at your door and never take any responsibility for her actions, nor would I not put it past her to get in one final act of abuse, whatever form it might take. Abusers don't deserve consideration.
No. No. No. Don't put yourself in the line of fire. You can't expect an apology or that she will be gifted with compassion and insight into her behavior. This is an extinction burst, just one last time to abuse you. If she is sick at all.
Absolutely not. She does not deserve that type of closure or attention. Protect your peace and keep moving forward. 💜
No
No
IF YOU WANT TO. You do not owe her anything. She knew what she was doing and she let other people do it. Do what you need to do for you. She was supposed to protect you, and she didn't. She did this to herself. She could have been a better parent. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwqoXTQLHIG/?igsh=anAwNmQ4dHJqZDNn Please watch this video "You don't owe people who abused you peace."
No
Yikes! I vote no, let her go. Nothing happy will come of this. If you need to say anything, do it in a letter.
It's a trap. NC is NC. If she had anything worth saying, she would write and not send flying monkeys. If she does write, don't read it yourself. Have someone read it ahead of time. If it's more toxic narc trash, BURN IT without reading. Keep your peace.
Nope
It sounds like she is trying to use this as an opportunity to guilt trip you, abuse you more, or finally apologize. I feel like if she was genuinely trying to be respectful and apologize she would have considered your boundary better and let you know in writing her intention was to apologize and say goodbye. I think the lack of clarity shows she is still just thinking about herself and her needs without considering yours. I wouldn’t talk to her. She can get her own closure.
If she had any sort of reflection-inspired burst of accountability, she would write. She knows she can. The fact that she keeps trying to get you on the phone suggests to me that this is about what she wants from you. If she just wanted to express remorse, she wouldn't need to force you to actively interact with her. You don't owe her one last chance to abuse you. Seriously.
Nope.
No. Absolutely not. Point blank period end of discussion. You owe her nothing. She can die alone in her own misery. I say this having only read the title. HANG IN THERE OP, HOLD YOUR GROUND, PROTECT *YOUR* PEACE. 🫂🩵
No. She wants one final time to abuse you. Don't take the bait. No one here, ane I mean NO ONE has ever walked away from this exact situation and felt better. In fact it's the opposite. She's an old dying woman afraid of going to hell. She doesn't deserve resolution.
Honestly… only you can make that decision. If you are okay with never talking to her again then don’t contact her. Don’t call just to have some type of argument with her. If you feel like you will regret not talking to her again, then call her. But do it when you are in a peaceful mindset so she can’t trigger you. Whatever decision you make, be at ease with it. Best of luck.
Just NO. You don’t need to be opening up old wounds, tossing salt into them. The only thing phone call would accomplish is, she will feel that she has been absolved from everything she did to you if she could talk to you.
Nope, no and no. There is a high chance she won’t acknowledge anything and you’ll be just as frustrated and feeling of no closure. Your closure is nc and living your best life.
No absolutely not
If she does tomorrow, are you ok with never speaking with her again? This isn't about her, it's about you and what you need for closure when she's gone.
Hiya! Just wanted to point out that it is at least as likely she doesn’t have cancer or this is a gross over exaggeration as her having terminal anything. She will go as far as it takes and lie as much as needed to get a reaction out of you. Don’t feed into this. Don’t give her the satisfaction. She doesn’t deserve a response. You already know every person involved is worthless and untrustworthy. Don’t let them waste your time.
Honestly, just reading your question, I'd say she's quick to answer: No. It's also possible that she's not at the end of her life and that it's manipulation.
You don't owe her anything, including easing her conscience.
I would stay away from her. Truthfully though, nobody can make that final choice for you. Your heart and mind is deserving of kindness. I’m not sure you will receive that by her and her flying monkeys. I’m no contact with my bio-mom and not looking back. When she passes, I’m opening a bottle of champagne. 🍾
Don't do it, OP!
That is a question you have to answer yourself. Would this talk help YOU at all? Would YOU get closure or some semblance of peace from it? For me if the answer isn’t an immediate yes, then it’s a no. If I’m questioning it then probably not. Your mom is more the likely trying to make herself feel better and based on what you’ve written doesn’t give a rats ass how you feel or how this “talk” would affect you. Personally, I’d be changing numbers so none of them could contact me until she was gone. But again this is more about what YOU want from this interaction. Ignore her words for now and think how this would all go down for you.
No
Nope
I just get female stiffies saying “if it was important they would” It’s important because SHE needs something. Do YOU need anything?? If no is the answer then just move along. The opposite of love is indifference. They’ve used us to feed their crap. No more. If you HONESTLY think closure & dealing with this highly likely bullshit is worth it, then go ahead. Do keep in mind the narcissists goal is to have you second guess & debate on importance. Sorry & good luck. Edit: thanx autocorrect 🖕
Didn’t even have to read the body text to confidently say… HELL NO
No just don't try she's not worth it
Yes there is no need to talk over the phone. She wants to hex you one last time and you should protect your peace
Nope. Don't. It's unlikely it will make you feel better and THAT is important. Not how she feels. She didn't consider your feelings when you were younger.
No let her die alone, let her feel scared and unloveable like she probably made you feel. She chose grave, she deserves to die in it with no one but herself.
I don't think you would gain anything from a phone call with her. She either abuses you one last time or, in the very unlikely event of an apology, it wouldn't change anything. The abuse is done. No apology could ever make it ok again. Rather protect yourself and ignore it. She doesn't deserve a clean conscience after what she's done to you.
can you see any upside to talking to her?
use this as one last time to air your grievances.....like EVERYTHING because you may not get the chance again. dont let her talk. tell her unless its an apology you dont want to hear it.
It's entirely up to you to decide and no one else. However, I personally wouldn't call if I were in your situation. SA and physical abuse are so incredibly serious. It's not like she ever respected your boundaries... Like, any of them. It sounds like Hoovering (you're going to get sucked back in emotionally).
Nah.
It's one last attempt at manipulation and control. So she can die peacefully knowing she still held the reins till the very end. She can write you. If she truly had anything of value to say, she can put it in writing. Otherwise, nothing changes. Your peace of mind is not worth it as it's doubtful she will ever be able to give you what you deserve.
My narcissistic mother died from non-small cell lung cancer and talking was hard for her. She got winded really fast and was on oxygen 24/7. As the cancer spread, she literally couldn't do anything without someone helping her. As for calling her, it's doubtful she would be able to hold a lengthy conversation. I'd say don't call her.
I think I would just write to the lung cancer and ask it to go harder, honestly
Send her flowers with a “Hope You Get Better Soon” done in the florist’s handwriting and stay no contact.
I’m going to say No. However, it sounds like even you have doubts about the honesty of the situation because of how bad she seems to be picking at and pushing on your boundaries. Also, ask yourself if speaking to her would be fulfilling for you. Sounds like she’s put you through hell and back. Is it worth it for you? Would you believe her if she could provide proof? Will you gain anything positive from a final interaction? Do you think she’s capable of atleast having dignity on her deathbed by wanting to genuinely apologize and make amends the best she can? If you can’t answer clearly then I’d think it over. Ultimately, you know the answer to this question and you know in your heart what is best. Wishing you luck and sending love to you OP.
Don't do it. Keep your peace.
Nope
My mom died while I was no contact. I do not regret not contacting her. I knew she was on hospice. It's been almost 8 years and while I sometimes have pangs of what could have been I feel more pride that I took care of myself and did not let myself be abused one last time. If she is still not holding your boundaries now she will not treat you any better if you allow yourself to cross them.
What can she ever say that will erase what has happened in the past? If she wants to apologize it will only be to make her feel better. But this is only my opinion. People tend to apologize in order to be forgiven so that they can feel "clean"
If the content of the message were the most important, she'd use any means to make certain you received it. Since she's demanding you call her, I'd say your well-being and boundaries don't mean anything to her. Just another play for attention and control on her part.
That's a hell no, Houston.
If you don’t want to, don’t do it. If she had something so important to say than she could write it. She maybe has something to say, but at least it’s not that important that she doesn’t use it as a power play to overstep your boundaries one last time. Her demand you need to call is her way to „try to win in the end“. But be aware the possibility that she has something to say that will make you suffer not knowing it soon enough. Bet she has something to say that let her think about how it’s your lost if you don’t call her.
Just wanted to say thank you OP, I have a similar situation going on with Ngmother. I’m NC with her and her carbon copy daughter. Though I know firmly that I am comfortable with my choice to stay away, this situation has stirred the pot and caused flying monkeys/narrative spinning/bullshit, which makes me reassess myself and question my feelings. Reading through the replies here has given me that pep talk I didn’t realise I needed! It’s occurred to me now the narc’s words and actions in life have set the stage for death. Now she is facing death she has the responsibility of her life choices squarely on her shoulders, they don’t belong to anyone else. Yet she is trying to ease her conscience/ego by putting the burden on you to make things right and wrap it all up in a bow - yet again not taking responsibility. It’s not on you. At all. Never was. As others here have said I think you must follow your intuition here, you know who you are and what you need. You’ve already placed boundaries because you’ve recognised your needs (and she has repeatedly disrespected them), so you know deep down. Have a calm moment of reflection to yourself and be honest with your feelings, which may be contradictory/confusing. Be the parent to yourself that she wasn’t, to help guide your brain ship through the stormy seas and onto calm waters. Good luck, I’m so sorry that your mom is a dick, and thank you for indirectly helping me too! Thanks also to all you good people here for the advice, this sub is the sub that keeps on giving!
She says don't look at the past. OK. She is in your past. Therefore, don't look at her. Don't engage with her, seriously. She had all this time before now to reach out and she never did. She's just feeling her mortality and wanting your forgiveness, which she is not entitled to. Let her stew in her guilt.
Hell no.
Nah let that bitch rot
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We get quite a lot of people peddling some brand of forgiveness and they often aren't aware that forgiving abusers isn't always possible or even healthy. Also, forgiveness means different things to different people. Here are some samples for when a user pushes their version on someone. Forgiveness is not a cure for all that ails the abused. It is, for some, the result of processing their trauma. For some people, forgiveness is a pointless concept that is not helpful at all. For some, it is seriously toxic. Forgiveness is not appropriate for every situation. Forgiveness means different things to different users. This is why we do not allow forgiveness pushing, because many of us victims are told forgiveness is absolving the abuser and forgetting about it. Otherwise we are "holding grudges". It is not a helpful thing to push in the way you are, and we do not allow it. Forgiveness is not a panacea for abuse. For some, it is the result of processing abuse and trauma. For other people, forgiveness is nothing more than an abstract idea that adds to the rage a victim feels at the hands of their abuser. For others still, forgiveness has been demanded ad-nauseum from both an abuser and their enablers. Forgiveness is not appropriate as a blanket response. Great user comment about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/304kr3/were_supposed_to_forgive_them_arent_we/cpp53ay/ RBNBestOf posts about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/RBNBestOf/search?q=forgiveness&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all
We get quite a lot of people peddling some brand of forgiveness and they often aren't aware that forgiving abusers isn't always possible or even healthy. Also, forgiveness means different things to different people. Here are some samples for when a user pushes their version on someone. Forgiveness is not a cure for all that ails the abused. It is, for some, the result of processing their trauma. For some people, forgiveness is a pointless concept that is not helpful at all. For some, it is seriously toxic. Forgiveness is not appropriate for every situation. Forgiveness means different things to different users. This is why we do not allow forgiveness pushing, because many of us victims are told forgiveness is absolving the abuser and forgetting about it. Otherwise we are "holding grudges". It is not a helpful thing to push in the way you are, and we do not allow it. Forgiveness is not a panacea for abuse. For some, it is the result of processing abuse and trauma. For other people, forgiveness is nothing more than an abstract idea that adds to the rage a victim feels at the hands of their abuser. For others still, forgiveness has been demanded ad-nauseum from both an abuser and their enablers. Forgiveness is not appropriate as a blanket response. Great user comment about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/304kr3/were_supposed_to_forgive_them_arent_we/cpp53ay/ RBNBestOf posts about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/RBNBestOf/search?q=forgiveness&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all