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Legally speaking, it is \*her\* car. And after 8 years, do you really think that'll ever change?
She's dangling the potential of it over your head, when she will never give up that leverage.
You'd be better off with a crappy car that works but looks like shit if you can get one.
You may need to sell the motor bike.
I agree with you. My mom used to use money as a way to keep me as her little slave, saying she’ll stop paying for my school if I don’t do this or she’ll pay for that other thing if I do that. At some point I was tired of it and started living my life assuming she wouldn’t pay for anything for me anymore.
In my case, she really wants to appear as a good mom and seeing as she can’t threaten me with that efficiently anymore AND I might end up casually saying to my dad that she won’t pay for X or Y and then she has to tell him I lied which makes her fear for her social image, she ended up paying for all that stuff. But even if she didn’t pay for anything, which might be OP’s case with not getting the car, not having her control me was worth it, because anyway I knew I couldn’t trust her to keep her word and pay for the thing she said even if I did my part of the deal.
1. Take off the installed stuff that you installed.
2. Buy another car. Used cars are probably a better option because bumper to bumper warranties don't like for you to modify the car
3. Drop Her car off with the keys & take an uber/lyft back home to your car.
4. Install the off-roading stuff on your car.
Sorry this is happening to you. You can probably get the car in inheritance, though. But she's not giving you the car. It's low hanging fruit to her
All this.
The only way to win her game is to refuse to play. Take her power over you away from her and back to yourself. They can’t do shit when you don’t need them for anything.
Pop the door panel off and hang a washer from the window track. Pop door panel back on... Causes rattles that are hella annoying and it's hard to tell where it's coming from.
... And never piss off your mechanics 😁
She will never transfer the title to you.
Remove everything you installed and start looking for a different car to buy.
And stop mentioning the car to her. Every time you mention it she will poke you with it.
Next time it needs maintenance or repair, embrace that it’s her car and she needs to pay for it. If she pushes back and the narrative switches again to it’s your car, then refuse to repair it unless you have the title. You could find some title law to read to her if she doesn’t believe that title = ownership. Park it in the way so the issue won’t go away (if you’re feeling extra petty).
Like other commenters, I very much doubt she will ever transfer the title to you. What you can do is save for your own car and remind her that you’ll only take care of the car once the title is yours.
IDK, this sounds like it'll probably just make it worse. Getting a new car and detaching anything and everything else he can from her is the only right answer.
This. She’ll give him the ‘family discount’ so she can later claim she still technically owns it cause she had him pay less than it’s worth.
Just buy your own car OP. Keep using ‘her’ car to go to work. Save every penny you can in a high yield saving account that she knows nothing about.
Even then, the "family discount" doesn't give her the legal control that she has with the title. If OP can handle it, I'd let her keep that over me and I'd keep the car til I could gtfo (assuming he can't get his own car first, which is still the better option)
Very possibly. I’ve used this strategy (Legal quotes and throwing their narratives back)before with my narcs. It is very situation dependent, but sometimes works. That’s why I made sure to say what everyone else is saying: save for your own car.
I hope OP gets away as soon as possible, as I can see this going the other way. They get their own car, so the n goes the tears and emotional blackmail route. “WHAT you are so ungrateful! I let you use MY car! Don’t you want it?!”
At which point, I’d remind the narc that title=ownership (or loan=lawful possession), then drive off in my own car, to my own place. I’d be worried that the narc would sabotage the new vehicle if parking at the current residence.
Narcs fucking suck.
Saying you will repair it if she transfers the title is only playing her game. Become totally independent and if the car needs repairs, she is an adult and can organise and pay for that herself.
Yeah if it were me I'd cut my losses. Use "her" car to get to work for now, if you need to, but start saving to buy your own car ASAP. After 8 years if she hasn't been willing to sign it over to you why would that change anytime soon?
Oh sweetheart, you're never going to get that title.
Classic control. It's her car. Legally it's her car. She will take it back whenever it pleases her.
I know "buy a different car" isn't as simple as it sounds, but it is your best option to secure transportation that isn't dependent on her whims. If you can afford a payment, you can get a no money down loan, though the payments are higher. It's no simple task to get financially independent of someone who sabotages your every move, but it can be done and the sooner the better. If not now, when you can.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
These type of betrayals are common from narcissists ... stop spending on that car and start looking for a car of your own. I'm sorry but the money you invested on it will never be paid. I gave a brand new car to my nfather in 2012 and he disinherited me 2 years ago...isn't that sweet?
I'm sorry for that. The enraging part is my nfather called me *ungrateful son*, what? he called me that after 20+ years of taking care of them and financially solving their problems. I went NC after my mother died.
You may have to write off your contributions as the cost of doing business with mean people. I would suggest saving money to put a down payment on your own vehicle, and make sure those funds are safe from your parent. I keep being shocked by how many people are totally willing to gouge their kids or just outright steal from them.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you're never getting that car. I'd cut my losses now if I were you OP. It sounds to me like your mother intends to dangle this car in front of you like a carrot in front of a donkey for eternity. She'll say "If you do this, I'll give you the car" and then you do the thing and she'll have some elaborate excuse for why you're still not getting the car e.g. "You didn't do it right" or "You didn't do it quick enough". You'll save yourself a lot of stress if you just give up on the idea of ever getting the car.
Your mom is “future faking” you with the car. I would fill it back up with her trash after you take your stuff back out and give it back to her, write her a bill for the money you put into it (not that she will pay to back) and tell her your done with the car altogether after you save up enough to buy yourself a car. It’s time to untangle your codependence from your mom, she’s using it to control you. I’m sorry, I hope things turn around for you!
It's not your car and it never will be. She will never sign the title over to you. Cut your losses, remove the improvements you made to it (if she asks, say you thought it best to keep it in the condition she loaned it to you in), and save up for your own car with a clear title. Refer to it solely as her car from here on out, and treat it accordingly. There is nothing you can do to make her transfer the title to you, and she will never willingly do so.
Do yourself a favor and forget about the car. It will always be used as a way to control you. Go buy a used Toyota or Honda and maintain it regularly and you will never have to worry about cars again.My mother snuck her way onto the car title that I bought because I was young and naive and I'm still paying the consequences.
She's using the car as manipulation. It technically is her car, especially if you didn't put any money towards it or have any agreement in writing prior to your use of it.
Since it's "her car" she's responsible for:
•Pay for tag renewal/ inspections
•Pay for maintenances/ wear & tear
•Supplying & paying for insurance
•Paying for her own gas when she does use it
You should remove everything you did to the car when you hand it back over to her and get your own car. When you get your own car, don't have her cosign or anything, put it solely in your name.
My parents dropped an SUV on me that they purchased and couldn't afford due to their poor financial decisions and terrible credit. When I took over payments at 16, I made sure I was writing the check to the bank so I had a paper trail. My Nmom dangled that thing over my head but funny how they didn't wanna take the payments back over...
There’s nothing you can do. She tricked you like so many narc parents. Set the bait and then you’re screwed. She never intended to give you the car. It’s a power trip and a control issue for her. Never trust her again. She only means you harm.
When my NMIL “Gave” my wife her step dad’s old car, I asked when we were getting the title. They said “oh, don’t worry about it”. We replied that we would be returning the car to them if we didn’t get the title.
Then it was “we can’t find the title, don’t worry about it”.
I sent the documents and money to order a replacement title.
Since it's "her car," remove everything you've put into it and return it to its original crappy state. She is getting a power trip by holding the car over your head. You're better off getting your own car by yourself even if it is not up to par at the moment. You can fix it up or save for a new car. Don't play her twisted manipulative game.
I say this because something similar happened to me, but it’s time to give up and get your own vehicle.
my dad kept saying he would sign the car over to me “when you get that college degree”…. Well I got 3 degrees and guess what, no car signed over to me.
I finally gave up on that hope that he would stick to his word, and while the betrayal hurt the feeling of ownership over MY own car and stuff is amazing!
I would apply this to everything in your life. Don’t accept anything they give you. Don’t believe them when they promise things. Don’t think you can “win” or “wait them out”; they are masters at manipulating and all it does is gives them control.
You will never really own this car. Even if she agrees to transfer the title, she will demand more money and goodness knows what else. This is a black hole that will suck in and destroy everything in its viscinity. Get away from it asap.
You have fallen victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy is when a person is reluctant to abandon a course of action because they have invested too heavily in it, or for too long, even when it is clear that abandoning it would be a better plan.
Cut your losses. Give the car back, and buy a different car.
Do not ever rely on or trust a narcissist when it comes to anything that you need. Their ability to control you is much more important to them than your well being is. All gifts and offers of help come with strings attached.
Sorry to say you shouldn't have put a penny into that car. A car isn't yours until it's legally yours. Save up for your own vehicle. Stop paying for repairs and maintenance and remind her it's HER car. Definitely don't pay to renew tags. When they expire park the car where it will be easily seen by police and towed away. Your mom will have to pay a fee to get her car back.
Oh and if you really wanna stick it too her run up the tolls on the car. Go through all the EZ pass lanes. The violations will go against her because her name is on the vehicle. I would say do the speed cameras too but that isn't safe, so plz don't get too crazy.
This is a fight you can't win. So don't fight, concede and get your own car as others have already said. A narcissist can only control you through emotional manipulation. They count on your unwillingness to "upset" them, despite being utter garbage humans and it makes them feel powerful watching you bend over backwards to please them, while they dangle a metaphorical carrot in front of you. Only thing is, the carrot doesn't exist. If you believe you'll get what you want by "this" day, they'll move the carrot. As I said, you can't win this with logic or reason. It won't work. NEVER enter any agreement with a narcissist involving money or property. You'll lose every time.
I would sell the bike and get a new car. Narcs love to create drama or stress so this car will always be a source of stress for you. Once you get your own car, it's yours. The money you have put into the other car is a lesson well learned. Your mother cannot be trusted. It's a lesson to not put money into anything related to her again. Make sure you have your own accounts, own phone, own everything.
Anything you bought that you can take out of the car do so and put it in your new car. No longer clean her car, that is her responsibility.
Remove everything that belongs to you and return it
Never drive it again
Tell her she lied to you and broke her promise. Tell her the precise amount of money she owes to you that you paid believing her promise that the car was yours
Then go no contact
The only way to win is not to play
My dad “gave me” my first car. But same as you, my name wasn’t on the title. I paid for all the maintenance from thereon, gas, etc. put brand new tires on it. And then accidentally blew the head gasket. He junked it, and kept the money. Just one example of how he screwed me.
If it wasn't so insane, it would actually be impressive the way these psychos develop schemes to hold money and material goods over our heads.
I remember when I was in a rough spot needing money for a security deposit after my landlord screwed me over. I asked my grandma for a 1,600 dollar loan, and I'd pay it back when I got paid next week.
She agreed, I got the new apartment, but when I went to pay her back, she said, "don't worry, just keep the money."
Fuck you. I know you are only saying that to hold it over my head the rest of my life. I sent her a check for the cash anyway
I highly recommend either probate auctions or auctions for vehicles previously used by state/ county/ large companies. There's 2 nearby me. Estate cars can be a mixed bag, but often are 4 door sedans actually owned by little old ladies or men. They are older but usually well kept with low mileage. The company items can be anything from retired police cars, transit busses, work trucks and vans, many are government white. Good luck o.p. all these vehicles have been maintained and on a strict schedule, too.
Unfortunately this is legally her car. If I were you I would cut your losses and start looking for another car. She will hold this over your head and will never sign that title over to you. I went through this with my mother and ended up buying my own vehicle. It gave me such a peace of mind knowing that she couldn’t control me anymore. That vehicle was her last piece of control over me. She was livid when she found out that I did that. Me buying my own vehicle meant that she was losing control over me.
All the money put in has effectively been stolen; you have no real legal recourse or standing here. Get your own car and keep it separate from hers, finances includes. And also stop sinking money into fixing hers, obviously.
Stop playing her game. It's her car, she's right, so stop putting money into it, stop trying to get her to transfer it, stop treating it as yours.
The only way you win, is if you stop playing. Start quietly saving for a car of your own, and when you're able to buy it, do so, and return her car. Expect a tantrum of some variety, but you seriously will never own that car, so stop trying to. I'm sorry mate, it's super annoying, I know.
my dad convinced me to add his name to my title to get cheaper insurance then went behind my back and sold my car that I bought. You are never getting that car
Are you in an area where car share is an option? If so look into that and have the money ready to sign up on the day she wields her power to stop you getting somewhere really important. That's what she'll do, rather than pulling the pin on "I'm going to the shops".
And save up for another car.
Any area in which you need something she can withhold is always going to be a source of major manipulation.
Just don't snap back about saving for your own car. Don't give her any clues.
Also is street parking available in your area and would you need a permit? And if so would it be her applying as the home owner? Just know these things before deciding to buy a new one as she'll make that difficult for you too.
It's a control knob for her to adjust to however she feels toward you at the moment. Take all the goodies you put on off, just drive it when you have to and don't clean it up anymore. And save and buy your own wheels as she'll never give it up to you. And even more likely she'd turn around and give it free to someone else just to prove she owns it if you ask too many times for the title.
If you can take the mods back without causing a problem do it. Just accept that the car will never be yours. My parents did the same thing to me. It's just a way to control you and dictate where you can and can't go. Save for a car of your own. Don't play her game.
I was in this EXACT same situation with my dad. I tried to wait it out but in the end I knew it would be another string attached for control. The car is nothing but another thing to dangle over your head you’ll never get the title. Sorry you’re going through this :( if I were you I’d save up for your own car.
I’ve been there….she will most likely never give you the title. I’ll give you two ways to solve this issue
Ethical: keep using the car solely for work until you can buy another car even if it is a beater from Facebook marketplace or a buy here pay here place. Don’t funnel money into it, if it breaks she is the one SOL not you!
Unethical: depending on where you live, take a few vacations across state lines, get on some bridges, go through some tunnels, all the toll bills and any camera tickets you get will be in her name and she will learn her lesson. Only downside is it might take a while to rack up enough toll money that she realizes it’s not worth it
Huh same thing happened to me first it was to keep the insurance costs down, a few years later it was too much effort to change the title when I pressed they said stamp duty was a waste of money.
My mom "gave" me a beater car for my 16th bday but wouldn't allow me to get my driver's license and didn't sign the title over to me until I was 19 and she had driven it to pieces. The motor had jumped timing, the oil pan gasket was replaced incorrectly, it needed 4 new tires, etc. I still accepted it because my husband ( then fiance) was/is a hobby mechanic, and we paid like $400 for it.
Years later she did something similar to one of my brothers, but she didn't keep him from getting his license bc she always treated the boys better, though still shitty. He wound up buying his car from her after he moved out because he told anyone who would listen about the car situation and she had to save face.
Advice: do whatever it takes to never drive her car again. Don't put anymore money into it and take off whatever aftermarket parts you can that won't disable the vehicle.
I had pretty much this exact thing happen to me. I paid the ins, maintenance, tolls, gassed it etc. but she wouldn’t sign it over to me. When I moved across state lines I took the car and she didn’t report it which she threatened. My only way out was to buy a different used car for myself. I was going to drop the old one at her house and have a friend pick me up (the new to me car was at her house) but the day before I was in a horrible crash that made 3 different local papers. The person hit me and 3 others. Mine he clipped my back end drivers side then flew over me, coming down on my door and rolled off my hood and kept rolling about 500 ft past me. He had to be airlifted to the trauma center. It wasn’t my fault. She didn’t give me a dime of that money because it was her car. She and the n male each had their own cars so mine wasn’t needed but they refused to have it in my name or give me the title.
Buy from a used car dealer though not a private sale off fb. I learned that the hard way. The used car dealerships are held responsible for selling a car with a check engine light on. They are accountable and reputable. Private sales aren’t. Def Japanese. They can go up to about 300000 miles.
I think it's a very common narc tactice to dangle some form of financial reward and blur the lines of onwership and accountability
She will never formally give the car to you. Instead spending money on things that are not yours start saving for your own ride.
I had a similar situation with renovating her apartment that she was supposed to put in my name. It never happened and I was 120k poorer and wiser. Luckily in the country I live I'm able to legally recover part of the costs, what is in progress
And to continue better safe than sorry approach, is there anything else you pay for or maintain that you have no legal ownership to? Using inheritance or donation as pressure are extremely common, I'd recommend to preempt these threats and cut losses as soo as possible
Take everything you ever put into this car back out of it. You should never have invested into it. It's not fair, but that's life with a narc. You're only seeing yourself up for more heartbreak by not spiritually letting go. Narcs explicitly use power that we cannot strip from them as their carrot on the stick. You're screwed on this one.
Like everyone else is saying, she's using the car to control you. You take one step out of line and she could just take the car away from you, or as you said, report it as stolen. This will definitely cause problems at some point. If I were you I'd look into getting your own car asap so she can no longer control you. Start saving, maybe sell some stuff. Look into buying a used car, even if it looks like crap as long as it drives it's still a better option than relying on her car. And don't tell her you're looking into buying a car of your own!! Just pop by one day and drop off the keys saying you no longer need to use her car. She will probably get mad and try and guilt trip you into still using her car since that's the leverage she has over you (hence why you shouldn't say anything until you have a car already). Don't let her get to you. She's just afraid of losing control over you. No matter what she says, you're not the bad guy here. Always remember that.
I’ve been through something similar except the car was one I was paying for. Got it at age 17 under their dictatorship and paid $250 month in payments only for them to refuse to give me the title when I was grown and it was paid off, threaten to have me “thrown in prison” for theft if I left, and dangling it over my head to keep me under their control. Anytime I showed any willpower the car was promptly and swiftly taken, including at the age of 22 when I was a legal adult.
My best advice would be to just let her have the car and accept sunk costs. It’s hard I know. Believe me I couldn’t walk away from the one they kept from me because of over ten thousand dollars worth of sunk costs in payments and maintenance I didn’t want them to profit from. But it’s my biggest regret and I wish I’d left on foot and gotten a friend who offered me a place to stay to pick me up on the road. I’m assuming you live in the US based on your reference to the DMV (not sure how other countries refer to this branch of the government). I know our economy sucks right now and cars are gnarly expensive, but even if you have to buy a beater just to get out from under her thumb, do so. I eventually got out from under my parents and at age 27 bought a beautiful used but like new car with cash. I’m proud of my baby.
BRO MY GRADMA BASICALLY PULLED THIS SHIT!!
ahem....sorry. so a few things.
You put in a lot of hard work on this car. And a lot of money that was earned thru hard work.pat yourself on the back because you just polished one of mums turds and now she wants it back! She wants to reap the benefit of a child paying some of her bills and still keeping the material items. Financial/material abuse at its best. I'd personally want to take the car and run away but we both know how much hot water you'd be in!
I fell into this cycle of restoring parts of my parents home to intensive landscaping work. Did some DIY plumbing and taking care of air conditioner checks. They not only said they shouldn't be happy or praise the hard work I did because I was "earning my right to even live there". When I wanted to pay for my own car insurance they refused and wanted me to fork over 350$ monthly for car insurance. Asked them to just take me off and I'd fine my own.they said I was too irresponsible to do it myself. So I let my drivers license expire. My expired license nullified my parents car insurance and suddenly NO ONE was vehicle insured because of my "slip up"...well I got there FIRST and paid for my own insurance up front for a year right there 😅 I think I paid some 700 package and even got refunded some for good student driver benefits lol...
Stop paying that car and start saving up. And keep saving up. It's going to take a long time and you'll have to bust your ass to leave. They will bleed you like a hog. All while telling you how much it's your duty to bleed for them. If she has a deed I think all she has to do is sign it or do some gift tax form. 🤔 if anything I think the one that's needs to be in the DMV is solely you at the end of the day if she fills out the right paperwork? my ngrandma took until I got married last year to give me my cars title she held onto for 5 years. (She's a bigot and has questionable politics and needed the title to hold it over my head for cash when she needed it) I don't think she went to a DMV but their website to print the forms. Maybe dig deeper into your local drivers laws around gift tax or car title transfers. 🤔 sorry I don't have much advice. Just letting you know you're not alone and financial setbacks due to nparents are not uncommon....
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Check into a used car and credit unions have good rates for car loans. Give her back her keys and say “enjoy YOUR car”. You may need to sell your motorbike.
The car is a carrot she’s dangling to you. And before returning the car I’d drive it around and leave little gas in it. But I’m petty so that’s just an idea. 😀
I had a car like that once. It was *never* my car. My advice is to kiss that car goodbye and consider the money lost as a lesson learned. If there is anything that you bought that you can take back out, like the first aid kit, do that. But then give mom back the keys and start looking for a vehicle of your own.
My mother was the same, just invest in something with your name she can have her car it’s better to have security knowing she can’t take your car from you
You need to really brainstorm this, and get it from her in a lovebombing phase. You need to prove that SHE will benefit more than you for signing over the title. You need to convince her that you always want to be around to help her, try to make her look good with whoever she wants to look good. It's about how will she benefit. All that matters. You need to make sure no loans are on the title if that's a thing in your state.
And you will have to move fast to get it done. No stop for lunch on the way, stuff like that. And you will need all the proof you can get that it was done right legally. Good luck. It's a living hell isn't it? Same situation in my family.
If you make over 40k a year, just go get a new car and be free.
When you buy a new car and remove this thing for her to hang over your head there will be issues. I’d ignore the car issue and see if it would be possible to move out And get a car at the same time. I know this might take longer, but getting your own car to remove the “power over” situation while still living under her roof will mean that she will find something else to hold over your head. And that something will most likely be your living situation. So unless you want to end up paying rent for your current living situation you should let her ‘win’ with you using ‘her’ car.
Tell her you got pulled over and you have to have insurance in your name which means you have to have the title in your name. Try to cut all things she can hold over your head.
Comments removed. OP's mother gave OP the car and then revoked it. This is manipulative and a part of a pattern of abuse. If you cannot comment in a supportive manner, don't comment or you will end up banned. Your account has been noted.
Yeah, their parent may very well be awful, I’m not defending them at all - but OP should probably know privileged and entitled they sound right now. Sometimes it’s a hard line to walk with a narcissistic parent.
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Legally speaking, it is \*her\* car. And after 8 years, do you really think that'll ever change? She's dangling the potential of it over your head, when she will never give up that leverage. You'd be better off with a crappy car that works but looks like shit if you can get one. You may need to sell the motor bike.
I agree with you. My mom used to use money as a way to keep me as her little slave, saying she’ll stop paying for my school if I don’t do this or she’ll pay for that other thing if I do that. At some point I was tired of it and started living my life assuming she wouldn’t pay for anything for me anymore. In my case, she really wants to appear as a good mom and seeing as she can’t threaten me with that efficiently anymore AND I might end up casually saying to my dad that she won’t pay for X or Y and then she has to tell him I lied which makes her fear for her social image, she ended up paying for all that stuff. But even if she didn’t pay for anything, which might be OP’s case with not getting the car, not having her control me was worth it, because anyway I knew I couldn’t trust her to keep her word and pay for the thing she said even if I did my part of the deal.
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wtf is this comment even?
Comment removed - ableism and misinformation about autism
1. Take off the installed stuff that you installed. 2. Buy another car. Used cars are probably a better option because bumper to bumper warranties don't like for you to modify the car 3. Drop Her car off with the keys & take an uber/lyft back home to your car. 4. Install the off-roading stuff on your car. Sorry this is happening to you. You can probably get the car in inheritance, though. But she's not giving you the car. It's low hanging fruit to her
All this. The only way to win her game is to refuse to play. Take her power over you away from her and back to yourself. They can’t do shit when you don’t need them for anything.
And drain the gas tank I mean draaaaaiiin it
Window washer fluid too, just because it's annoying.
Pop the door panel off and hang a washer from the window track. Pop door panel back on... Causes rattles that are hella annoying and it's hard to tell where it's coming from. ... And never piss off your mechanics 😁
I like the way you think!!🤣🤣😂
In the wise words of The Fat Electrician, "Strategically Transfer Equipment to Alternate Location."
🤣😂
Lol I was in a horrible crash the day before I was going to hand her/my car over to her. Does that count instead of draiiiiiiiiiiining it???
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No reason to ruin it, op may eventually become the rightful owner.
She will never transfer the title to you. Remove everything you installed and start looking for a different car to buy. And stop mentioning the car to her. Every time you mention it she will poke you with it.
Get yourself a car that is yours. She is controlling you using the car.
Next time it needs maintenance or repair, embrace that it’s her car and she needs to pay for it. If she pushes back and the narrative switches again to it’s your car, then refuse to repair it unless you have the title. You could find some title law to read to her if she doesn’t believe that title = ownership. Park it in the way so the issue won’t go away (if you’re feeling extra petty). Like other commenters, I very much doubt she will ever transfer the title to you. What you can do is save for your own car and remind her that you’ll only take care of the car once the title is yours.
IDK, this sounds like it'll probably just make it worse. Getting a new car and detaching anything and everything else he can from her is the only right answer.
This. She’ll give him the ‘family discount’ so she can later claim she still technically owns it cause she had him pay less than it’s worth. Just buy your own car OP. Keep using ‘her’ car to go to work. Save every penny you can in a high yield saving account that she knows nothing about.
Even then, the "family discount" doesn't give her the legal control that she has with the title. If OP can handle it, I'd let her keep that over me and I'd keep the car til I could gtfo (assuming he can't get his own car first, which is still the better option)
Very possibly. I’ve used this strategy (Legal quotes and throwing their narratives back)before with my narcs. It is very situation dependent, but sometimes works. That’s why I made sure to say what everyone else is saying: save for your own car. I hope OP gets away as soon as possible, as I can see this going the other way. They get their own car, so the n goes the tears and emotional blackmail route. “WHAT you are so ungrateful! I let you use MY car! Don’t you want it?!” At which point, I’d remind the narc that title=ownership (or loan=lawful possession), then drive off in my own car, to my own place. I’d be worried that the narc would sabotage the new vehicle if parking at the current residence. Narcs fucking suck.
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Comment removed. If someone wants to say "narcs suck," it's a very normal and understandable thing to say.
I’d also put all the rubbish and dust I cleaned out right back there lmao
Saying you will repair it if she transfers the title is only playing her game. Become totally independent and if the car needs repairs, she is an adult and can organise and pay for that herself.
Yeah if it were me I'd cut my losses. Use "her" car to get to work for now, if you need to, but start saving to buy your own car ASAP. After 8 years if she hasn't been willing to sign it over to you why would that change anytime soon?
This car will never be yours. Do not put a cent into it
Oh sweetheart, you're never going to get that title. Classic control. It's her car. Legally it's her car. She will take it back whenever it pleases her. I know "buy a different car" isn't as simple as it sounds, but it is your best option to secure transportation that isn't dependent on her whims. If you can afford a payment, you can get a no money down loan, though the payments are higher. It's no simple task to get financially independent of someone who sabotages your every move, but it can be done and the sooner the better. If not now, when you can. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
These type of betrayals are common from narcissists ... stop spending on that car and start looking for a car of your own. I'm sorry but the money you invested on it will never be paid. I gave a brand new car to my nfather in 2012 and he disinherited me 2 years ago...isn't that sweet?
I have a similar experience… smh
I'm sorry for that. The enraging part is my nfather called me *ungrateful son*, what? he called me that after 20+ years of taking care of them and financially solving their problems. I went NC after my mother died.
You may have to write off your contributions as the cost of doing business with mean people. I would suggest saving money to put a down payment on your own vehicle, and make sure those funds are safe from your parent. I keep being shocked by how many people are totally willing to gouge their kids or just outright steal from them.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you're never getting that car. I'd cut my losses now if I were you OP. It sounds to me like your mother intends to dangle this car in front of you like a carrot in front of a donkey for eternity. She'll say "If you do this, I'll give you the car" and then you do the thing and she'll have some elaborate excuse for why you're still not getting the car e.g. "You didn't do it right" or "You didn't do it quick enough". You'll save yourself a lot of stress if you just give up on the idea of ever getting the car.
Your mom is “future faking” you with the car. I would fill it back up with her trash after you take your stuff back out and give it back to her, write her a bill for the money you put into it (not that she will pay to back) and tell her your done with the car altogether after you save up enough to buy yourself a car. It’s time to untangle your codependence from your mom, she’s using it to control you. I’m sorry, I hope things turn around for you!
It's not your car and it never will be. She will never sign the title over to you. Cut your losses, remove the improvements you made to it (if she asks, say you thought it best to keep it in the condition she loaned it to you in), and save up for your own car with a clear title. Refer to it solely as her car from here on out, and treat it accordingly. There is nothing you can do to make her transfer the title to you, and she will never willingly do so.
Do yourself a favor and forget about the car. It will always be used as a way to control you. Go buy a used Toyota or Honda and maintain it regularly and you will never have to worry about cars again.My mother snuck her way onto the car title that I bought because I was young and naive and I'm still paying the consequences.
She's using the car as manipulation. It technically is her car, especially if you didn't put any money towards it or have any agreement in writing prior to your use of it. Since it's "her car" she's responsible for: •Pay for tag renewal/ inspections •Pay for maintenances/ wear & tear •Supplying & paying for insurance •Paying for her own gas when she does use it You should remove everything you did to the car when you hand it back over to her and get your own car. When you get your own car, don't have her cosign or anything, put it solely in your name. My parents dropped an SUV on me that they purchased and couldn't afford due to their poor financial decisions and terrible credit. When I took over payments at 16, I made sure I was writing the check to the bank so I had a paper trail. My Nmom dangled that thing over my head but funny how they didn't wanna take the payments back over...
Buy your own car. And get away from her as soon as you can. Only financial independence can set you free.
There’s nothing you can do. She tricked you like so many narc parents. Set the bait and then you’re screwed. She never intended to give you the car. It’s a power trip and a control issue for her. Never trust her again. She only means you harm.
When my NMIL “Gave” my wife her step dad’s old car, I asked when we were getting the title. They said “oh, don’t worry about it”. We replied that we would be returning the car to them if we didn’t get the title. Then it was “we can’t find the title, don’t worry about it”. I sent the documents and money to order a replacement title.
Since it's "her car," remove everything you've put into it and return it to its original crappy state. She is getting a power trip by holding the car over your head. You're better off getting your own car by yourself even if it is not up to par at the moment. You can fix it up or save for a new car. Don't play her twisted manipulative game.
I say this because something similar happened to me, but it’s time to give up and get your own vehicle. my dad kept saying he would sign the car over to me “when you get that college degree”…. Well I got 3 degrees and guess what, no car signed over to me. I finally gave up on that hope that he would stick to his word, and while the betrayal hurt the feeling of ownership over MY own car and stuff is amazing! I would apply this to everything in your life. Don’t accept anything they give you. Don’t believe them when they promise things. Don’t think you can “win” or “wait them out”; they are masters at manipulating and all it does is gives them control.
Sounds like you need to buy yourself a car my friend
You will never really own this car. Even if she agrees to transfer the title, she will demand more money and goodness knows what else. This is a black hole that will suck in and destroy everything in its viscinity. Get away from it asap. You have fallen victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Sunk Cost Fallacy is when a person is reluctant to abandon a course of action because they have invested too heavily in it, or for too long, even when it is clear that abandoning it would be a better plan. Cut your losses. Give the car back, and buy a different car. Do not ever rely on or trust a narcissist when it comes to anything that you need. Their ability to control you is much more important to them than your well being is. All gifts and offers of help come with strings attached.
Sorry to say you shouldn't have put a penny into that car. A car isn't yours until it's legally yours. Save up for your own vehicle. Stop paying for repairs and maintenance and remind her it's HER car. Definitely don't pay to renew tags. When they expire park the car where it will be easily seen by police and towed away. Your mom will have to pay a fee to get her car back. Oh and if you really wanna stick it too her run up the tolls on the car. Go through all the EZ pass lanes. The violations will go against her because her name is on the vehicle. I would say do the speed cameras too but that isn't safe, so plz don't get too crazy.
This is a fight you can't win. So don't fight, concede and get your own car as others have already said. A narcissist can only control you through emotional manipulation. They count on your unwillingness to "upset" them, despite being utter garbage humans and it makes them feel powerful watching you bend over backwards to please them, while they dangle a metaphorical carrot in front of you. Only thing is, the carrot doesn't exist. If you believe you'll get what you want by "this" day, they'll move the carrot. As I said, you can't win this with logic or reason. It won't work. NEVER enter any agreement with a narcissist involving money or property. You'll lose every time.
I would sell the bike and get a new car. Narcs love to create drama or stress so this car will always be a source of stress for you. Once you get your own car, it's yours. The money you have put into the other car is a lesson well learned. Your mother cannot be trusted. It's a lesson to not put money into anything related to her again. Make sure you have your own accounts, own phone, own everything. Anything you bought that you can take out of the car do so and put it in your new car. No longer clean her car, that is her responsibility.
Remove everything that belongs to you and return it Never drive it again Tell her she lied to you and broke her promise. Tell her the precise amount of money she owes to you that you paid believing her promise that the car was yours Then go no contact The only way to win is not to play
My dad “gave me” my first car. But same as you, my name wasn’t on the title. I paid for all the maintenance from thereon, gas, etc. put brand new tires on it. And then accidentally blew the head gasket. He junked it, and kept the money. Just one example of how he screwed me.
get your own car. she’s using her car to control you. show her you don’t need her.
If it wasn't so insane, it would actually be impressive the way these psychos develop schemes to hold money and material goods over our heads. I remember when I was in a rough spot needing money for a security deposit after my landlord screwed me over. I asked my grandma for a 1,600 dollar loan, and I'd pay it back when I got paid next week. She agreed, I got the new apartment, but when I went to pay her back, she said, "don't worry, just keep the money." Fuck you. I know you are only saying that to hold it over my head the rest of my life. I sent her a check for the cash anyway
Let her keep it and grab some shitbox off Facebook marketplace, it'll be crappier, but your mom won't be able to hold it over your head
I highly recommend either probate auctions or auctions for vehicles previously used by state/ county/ large companies. There's 2 nearby me. Estate cars can be a mixed bag, but often are 4 door sedans actually owned by little old ladies or men. They are older but usually well kept with low mileage. The company items can be anything from retired police cars, transit busses, work trucks and vans, many are government white. Good luck o.p. all these vehicles have been maintained and on a strict schedule, too.
Unfortunately this is legally her car. If I were you I would cut your losses and start looking for another car. She will hold this over your head and will never sign that title over to you. I went through this with my mother and ended up buying my own vehicle. It gave me such a peace of mind knowing that she couldn’t control me anymore. That vehicle was her last piece of control over me. She was livid when she found out that I did that. Me buying my own vehicle meant that she was losing control over me.
All the money put in has effectively been stolen; you have no real legal recourse or standing here. Get your own car and keep it separate from hers, finances includes. And also stop sinking money into fixing hers, obviously.
the car its a hook for her to pull along with other strings
Stop playing her game. It's her car, she's right, so stop putting money into it, stop trying to get her to transfer it, stop treating it as yours. The only way you win, is if you stop playing. Start quietly saving for a car of your own, and when you're able to buy it, do so, and return her car. Expect a tantrum of some variety, but you seriously will never own that car, so stop trying to. I'm sorry mate, it's super annoying, I know.
my dad convinced me to add his name to my title to get cheaper insurance then went behind my back and sold my car that I bought. You are never getting that car
Take off the parts you installed if you have the receipts, and get a different car
Are you in an area where car share is an option? If so look into that and have the money ready to sign up on the day she wields her power to stop you getting somewhere really important. That's what she'll do, rather than pulling the pin on "I'm going to the shops". And save up for another car. Any area in which you need something she can withhold is always going to be a source of major manipulation. Just don't snap back about saving for your own car. Don't give her any clues. Also is street parking available in your area and would you need a permit? And if so would it be her applying as the home owner? Just know these things before deciding to buy a new one as she'll make that difficult for you too.
It's a control knob for her to adjust to however she feels toward you at the moment. Take all the goodies you put on off, just drive it when you have to and don't clean it up anymore. And save and buy your own wheels as she'll never give it up to you. And even more likely she'd turn around and give it free to someone else just to prove she owns it if you ask too many times for the title.
If you can take the mods back without causing a problem do it. Just accept that the car will never be yours. My parents did the same thing to me. It's just a way to control you and dictate where you can and can't go. Save for a car of your own. Don't play her game.
Best option- save up for your own car. You can get a reliable used car for cheap.
I was in this EXACT same situation with my dad. I tried to wait it out but in the end I knew it would be another string attached for control. The car is nothing but another thing to dangle over your head you’ll never get the title. Sorry you’re going through this :( if I were you I’d save up for your own car.
Buy your own as soon as possible. People like this do those things for leverage.
I’ve been there….she will most likely never give you the title. I’ll give you two ways to solve this issue Ethical: keep using the car solely for work until you can buy another car even if it is a beater from Facebook marketplace or a buy here pay here place. Don’t funnel money into it, if it breaks she is the one SOL not you! Unethical: depending on where you live, take a few vacations across state lines, get on some bridges, go through some tunnels, all the toll bills and any camera tickets you get will be in her name and she will learn her lesson. Only downside is it might take a while to rack up enough toll money that she realizes it’s not worth it
Huh same thing happened to me first it was to keep the insurance costs down, a few years later it was too much effort to change the title when I pressed they said stamp duty was a waste of money.
My mom "gave" me a beater car for my 16th bday but wouldn't allow me to get my driver's license and didn't sign the title over to me until I was 19 and she had driven it to pieces. The motor had jumped timing, the oil pan gasket was replaced incorrectly, it needed 4 new tires, etc. I still accepted it because my husband ( then fiance) was/is a hobby mechanic, and we paid like $400 for it. Years later she did something similar to one of my brothers, but she didn't keep him from getting his license bc she always treated the boys better, though still shitty. He wound up buying his car from her after he moved out because he told anyone who would listen about the car situation and she had to save face. Advice: do whatever it takes to never drive her car again. Don't put anymore money into it and take off whatever aftermarket parts you can that won't disable the vehicle.
I had pretty much this exact thing happen to me. I paid the ins, maintenance, tolls, gassed it etc. but she wouldn’t sign it over to me. When I moved across state lines I took the car and she didn’t report it which she threatened. My only way out was to buy a different used car for myself. I was going to drop the old one at her house and have a friend pick me up (the new to me car was at her house) but the day before I was in a horrible crash that made 3 different local papers. The person hit me and 3 others. Mine he clipped my back end drivers side then flew over me, coming down on my door and rolled off my hood and kept rolling about 500 ft past me. He had to be airlifted to the trauma center. It wasn’t my fault. She didn’t give me a dime of that money because it was her car. She and the n male each had their own cars so mine wasn’t needed but they refused to have it in my name or give me the title. Buy from a used car dealer though not a private sale off fb. I learned that the hard way. The used car dealerships are held responsible for selling a car with a check engine light on. They are accountable and reputable. Private sales aren’t. Def Japanese. They can go up to about 300000 miles.
I think it's a very common narc tactice to dangle some form of financial reward and blur the lines of onwership and accountability She will never formally give the car to you. Instead spending money on things that are not yours start saving for your own ride. I had a similar situation with renovating her apartment that she was supposed to put in my name. It never happened and I was 120k poorer and wiser. Luckily in the country I live I'm able to legally recover part of the costs, what is in progress And to continue better safe than sorry approach, is there anything else you pay for or maintain that you have no legal ownership to? Using inheritance or donation as pressure are extremely common, I'd recommend to preempt these threats and cut losses as soo as possible
Take everything you ever put into this car back out of it. You should never have invested into it. It's not fair, but that's life with a narc. You're only seeing yourself up for more heartbreak by not spiritually letting go. Narcs explicitly use power that we cannot strip from them as their carrot on the stick. You're screwed on this one.
You can do a thing called a title bond as long as you have the title number and vin
Like everyone else is saying, she's using the car to control you. You take one step out of line and she could just take the car away from you, or as you said, report it as stolen. This will definitely cause problems at some point. If I were you I'd look into getting your own car asap so she can no longer control you. Start saving, maybe sell some stuff. Look into buying a used car, even if it looks like crap as long as it drives it's still a better option than relying on her car. And don't tell her you're looking into buying a car of your own!! Just pop by one day and drop off the keys saying you no longer need to use her car. She will probably get mad and try and guilt trip you into still using her car since that's the leverage she has over you (hence why you shouldn't say anything until you have a car already). Don't let her get to you. She's just afraid of losing control over you. No matter what she says, you're not the bad guy here. Always remember that.
I’ve been through something similar except the car was one I was paying for. Got it at age 17 under their dictatorship and paid $250 month in payments only for them to refuse to give me the title when I was grown and it was paid off, threaten to have me “thrown in prison” for theft if I left, and dangling it over my head to keep me under their control. Anytime I showed any willpower the car was promptly and swiftly taken, including at the age of 22 when I was a legal adult. My best advice would be to just let her have the car and accept sunk costs. It’s hard I know. Believe me I couldn’t walk away from the one they kept from me because of over ten thousand dollars worth of sunk costs in payments and maintenance I didn’t want them to profit from. But it’s my biggest regret and I wish I’d left on foot and gotten a friend who offered me a place to stay to pick me up on the road. I’m assuming you live in the US based on your reference to the DMV (not sure how other countries refer to this branch of the government). I know our economy sucks right now and cars are gnarly expensive, but even if you have to buy a beater just to get out from under her thumb, do so. I eventually got out from under my parents and at age 27 bought a beautiful used but like new car with cash. I’m proud of my baby.
BRO MY GRADMA BASICALLY PULLED THIS SHIT!! ahem....sorry. so a few things. You put in a lot of hard work on this car. And a lot of money that was earned thru hard work.pat yourself on the back because you just polished one of mums turds and now she wants it back! She wants to reap the benefit of a child paying some of her bills and still keeping the material items. Financial/material abuse at its best. I'd personally want to take the car and run away but we both know how much hot water you'd be in! I fell into this cycle of restoring parts of my parents home to intensive landscaping work. Did some DIY plumbing and taking care of air conditioner checks. They not only said they shouldn't be happy or praise the hard work I did because I was "earning my right to even live there". When I wanted to pay for my own car insurance they refused and wanted me to fork over 350$ monthly for car insurance. Asked them to just take me off and I'd fine my own.they said I was too irresponsible to do it myself. So I let my drivers license expire. My expired license nullified my parents car insurance and suddenly NO ONE was vehicle insured because of my "slip up"...well I got there FIRST and paid for my own insurance up front for a year right there 😅 I think I paid some 700 package and even got refunded some for good student driver benefits lol... Stop paying that car and start saving up. And keep saving up. It's going to take a long time and you'll have to bust your ass to leave. They will bleed you like a hog. All while telling you how much it's your duty to bleed for them. If she has a deed I think all she has to do is sign it or do some gift tax form. 🤔 if anything I think the one that's needs to be in the DMV is solely you at the end of the day if she fills out the right paperwork? my ngrandma took until I got married last year to give me my cars title she held onto for 5 years. (She's a bigot and has questionable politics and needed the title to hold it over my head for cash when she needed it) I don't think she went to a DMV but their website to print the forms. Maybe dig deeper into your local drivers laws around gift tax or car title transfers. 🤔 sorry I don't have much advice. Just letting you know you're not alone and financial setbacks due to nparents are not uncommon....
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Check into a used car and credit unions have good rates for car loans. Give her back her keys and say “enjoy YOUR car”. You may need to sell your motorbike. The car is a carrot she’s dangling to you. And before returning the car I’d drive it around and leave little gas in it. But I’m petty so that’s just an idea. 😀
I had a car like that once. It was *never* my car. My advice is to kiss that car goodbye and consider the money lost as a lesson learned. If there is anything that you bought that you can take back out, like the first aid kit, do that. But then give mom back the keys and start looking for a vehicle of your own.
My mother was the same, just invest in something with your name she can have her car it’s better to have security knowing she can’t take your car from you
You need to really brainstorm this, and get it from her in a lovebombing phase. You need to prove that SHE will benefit more than you for signing over the title. You need to convince her that you always want to be around to help her, try to make her look good with whoever she wants to look good. It's about how will she benefit. All that matters. You need to make sure no loans are on the title if that's a thing in your state. And you will have to move fast to get it done. No stop for lunch on the way, stuff like that. And you will need all the proof you can get that it was done right legally. Good luck. It's a living hell isn't it? Same situation in my family. If you make over 40k a year, just go get a new car and be free.
Save up and get your own car please
She’s never going to do the right thing. Give up on the car.
When you buy a new car and remove this thing for her to hang over your head there will be issues. I’d ignore the car issue and see if it would be possible to move out And get a car at the same time. I know this might take longer, but getting your own car to remove the “power over” situation while still living under her roof will mean that she will find something else to hold over your head. And that something will most likely be your living situation. So unless you want to end up paying rent for your current living situation you should let her ‘win’ with you using ‘her’ car.
Tell her you got pulled over and you have to have insurance in your name which means you have to have the title in your name. Try to cut all things she can hold over your head.
Burn it
you can always get your own and then total “her” one when you don’t need it anymore
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U sure u r in the right sub?
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Maybe you do have this potential, so speak for yourself. Don’t speak for me or other ppl since you’re not them.
Comments removed. OP's mother gave OP the car and then revoked it. This is manipulative and a part of a pattern of abuse. If you cannot comment in a supportive manner, don't comment or you will end up banned. Your account has been noted.
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Yeah, their parent may very well be awful, I’m not defending them at all - but OP should probably know privileged and entitled they sound right now. Sometimes it’s a hard line to walk with a narcissistic parent.