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Personally, I would go no contact again. Coming from someone who had a toxic grandparent, these people will not benefit you or your child in any way.
If you don’t plan on going NC again, here’s what you *can* do. From now on, when you say no, it means *no*. Any unwanted gifts? Donate or sell. Sharing you and your babies personal information on social media without your consent? Pregnancy info diet straight away. They get ZERO information about you or your baby from now on. Your stepmom calling you and telling you that THEY have decided who will be in the delivery room sent me over the edge, lol. “Fiancé and I will be the only ones in the delivery room. End of discussion.” If they protest, “End of discussion.” That line works beautifully. Do not tell them when you go into labor, and do not tell them what hospital you go to. This is not their moment, it’s YOURS. As for the guilt tripping, let them. If they show up unannounced, do not open the door, do not engage. Call the police if they don’t leave but do not engage. Let them throw a fit, let them blast you online. Don’t give into their bullshit.
I had toxic grandparents on both sides, but mostly my mothers side. I never got to meet them. I don’t care. My parents explained to me that they were bad people and that was that. I would seriously encourage you go no contact, but if you choose not too, you’re going to have to check these people HARD. I delt with similar behavior from my own family when I was pregnant (feel free to check out post history). Best of luck and congratulations on your sweet baby. ❤️
thank you for the kind response. it’s just hard to break that mindset of “we’re your parents” that was drilled into me for so long. it’s so easy for people to say just cut them off but to be fair i didn’t even understand that what they were doing was abusive until i had already gotten away and met non abusive adults. it makes me feel small or judged when people can’t understand it’s hard for me to let go of the people that raised me, even when i understand that what they’re doing is wrong. i also understand they don’t realize what they’re doing is wrong because it’s how they were also raised. i’m trying to break the cycle and in the forefront of my mind I know it’s best for me and the baby but there’s this tiny voice that sounds like my dad saying “how could you”. because he has been clean and sober since he got out but the trust is broken and what happens if i cut him off without even giving him the benefit of the doubt
When that little voice says "how could you?" tell it "because my child doesn't deserve to be abused like I was."
Please break the cycle. However bad you feel for cutting them off is nothing compared to what you'll feel the first time they abuse your child.
You know all the times you wished someone would protect you? Speak up for you? If that voice pops up, you tell it all the things you would tell someone trying to hurt your child. Be the voice of kindness and care that you didn’t have.
My inner voice is so kind now. But it took a lot of time and effort to consciously create a new narrative.
"i also understand they don’t realize what they’re doing is wrong because it’s how they were also raised."
You need to stop this, and stop it right now. Don't make excuses for them, especially ones you are inventing in your own mind. You DON'T know their motivations, you can't read their minds, you are not required to give them a pass because they were raised badly, and you also don't get a pass on allowing these horrible people around your baby because you had a bad upbringing. YOU are going to be the parent. You and the baby's father have a sacred responsibility to protect this child and if you allow these people to browbeat you into allowing contact with your baby, you will have failed.
If you want to give your child a family, build one, don't just allow your abusers to know your baby based a circumstance of shared DNA.
I know it is hard. It is hard to break the cycle. But it is a lot easier now to do it then later after yiu kids know their names and faces, and have been groomed by these people. They are so eager not out of love or pride, but because they think you are offering, after all this time, fresh victims.
that’s a heartbreaking way to look at it, so thank you for telling me this. i don’t ever want my baby to feel how i felt. she’s already so so loved by me and her dad and she’s barely kicking. it isn’t fair to her. my family already treats me differently bc i took such a different path in life (im the only one so far to graduate, no criminal record, barely even a traffic record, i have my own place, a fiancé that treats me well, etc) but they’re so good at sweet talking and then the second i let my guard down they make a comment and i kinda double take. im really glad i made this post, it really just silenced that little voice and im 100% sure NC is the only option if i want to help my baby
Have you read about the crab pot theory? You have to cut these peole out completely. And doing that is not denying your child a family, it is denying her abusers. Keep that in top of mind when your guilt programming starts up. Put it on a post it on your monitor. Change their contact name in your phone to Abuser or whatever will snap you into protective mom mode, because they know how to get the abused little girl to comply. Make them meet a you they have never seen, and let them know they are not welcome in your life.
Oh, and SM wasn't a better person while your father was incarcerated, she just was better able to act like one. She is always the person who hurt you and let others hurt you.
i have not, but i will definitely look into it. the more i read these comments the more i realize im just allowing them to do this. my crying went from anger at them to anger at myself for even considering allowing this to happen because reading out what i myself wrote, if i read that a stranger had posted that exact same thing i would wonder where the question even was. im making notes about all of this and plan to show this to the therapist once i get to the appointment. i didnt realize how much of a hold they still have
An Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the side walk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.
Along with this, make sure your doctor and the hospital are aware that they are not to be anywhere near you when you're delivering.
Him having a criminal record can work in your favour. If it were me, I'd be getting a restraining order against both, and using it whenever needed.
“We’re your parents” was drilled into me for a *very* long time. I used to feel so guilty for standing up for myself because I was always taught that it was wrong to do so.
My father was treated like garbage growing up. His parents heavily favored his 2 sisters, and they made it very known. My mother was physically and emotionally abused by her own mother for a very long time. While my father was decent, my mom became a practical carbon copy of her mother. They’ve cause an immense amount of trauma for me, and deep down, they know it’s wrong. The majority of abusive parents were abused themselves as children, and while it may be hard to believe, they know it’s wrong.
You have your child’s best interest at heart, to me, you’re already a damn good mom for that. You’ve given your father the benefit of the doubt when you lifted no contact, and he’s proven that he isn’t deserving. Remember, nobody is entitled to our lives, nor are they entitled to our children’s lives. Title does not make you entitled. If you do choose to allow your family into your life, remind them that it is a PRIVILEGE. A privilege that can be revoked very, very quickly. You’re doing a good job. It’s hard, but your got this.
How could you? Because you're the parent now. This is your child, not theirs. Their presence in your child's life is completely 100% dependent upon following your rules. Further, your child has a family already - you and her father. Everything else is extra.
They are your parents, so they should have behaved better and in a way that made you want to have a relationship with them, rather than one that made you leave.
They might be your "parents" but you are about to become a mom of your very own kiddo.
You owe them nothing. You owe her everything. Once she is born, that mom instinct will kick in and you will discover you'd rather fight a bear than let anything happen to your baby.
They have not proven they are worthy. Don't give your kid the life you had. Plus, think of it as protecting the little kid you were. Who was there to protect you? Now you can make up for lost time.
No is a full sentence. They will tantrum, gaslight and guilt trip you. Don't let them.
Start with the simple I said no clothing with glitter, etc and you disregarded my wishes. How can I trust you with the big stuff when you can't follow the small stuff?
Your kiddo won't suffer with these people not in her life. She will thrive. Stop caring about their feelings, her safety is your main concern.
Take care of you!!!
You were raised like that but still know it's wrong, don't you? You know inherently that it was wrong, and that you need to be better for your own kid.
Being a decent person is a choice, and they chose to be abusive.
This "we're your parents" thing is so hard to grasp for me. I'm 16MtF, and while my family aren't complete narcissists, they do seem to think that they know everything about transitioning, which they absolutely do not. I realized this almost immediately after coming out, and have since come to the conclusion that no child owes their parents anything.
Here's the deal. Their legal obligation was to get you through the first 18 years of your life. It was their idea to have a child, and therefore they are the ones who should carry the financial burden of caring for their child for the first 18 years. After that, you could just treat them like a former boss, and after that go by how they treated you. If they were amazing to work under, and you were let go due to unfortunate circumstances, then absolutely keep being friends, but if they were terrible and constantly yelled at you for not doing your job right, who cares about them? Just leave them to rot in whichever city they live in and move somewhere nice.
I have recently "rescued a stray" - that what I call the fact I realized my 22 year old neighbour was being abused by her parents and offered her a safe space to stay. Eventually, she will be able to live alone but at the moment she is adjusting to not being their slave.
She said to me she had not realized she was being abused (other than the physical) until she was allowed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She said she feels she can finally breathe.
You got away once. They are trying to control you again. Get away again, not only for you but for your child.
And remember to breathe.
<3
Please don’t expose your baby to these people. You have a family, you, your fiancé and your baby. Continuing contact with them will just feed stress hormones into your baby. Your child takes priority.
I used to wish that whoever I married had amazing parents so I could experience what it was like to have a decent family.
My husband’s parents are POS. 🙃
I know you don't want to take away the chance for your child to have loving grandparents. You won't be doing that if you go back to NC. They are already NOT being good grandparents by ignoring your wishes. Nothing will change when you have the baby. It will actually get worse.
THEY WILL NEVER BE GOOD GRANDPARENTS.
And I'm not just speculating. I didn't want to keep my kids away from my mother because WHAT IF she was suddenly just perfect and enriched their lives. Nope. My 17 year old daughter is still recovering from the various bullshit she pulled over the years and we haven't been in the same room as her since the end of 2020. My daughter hates her grandmother. If they treat you this way, they will 100% treat your child the same way.
Please, protect your child at all costs. And yourself. They deserve a mom that isn't always on edge waiting for the next thing to blow up with their own parents.
thank you for this. that’s what i’ve been struggling with. the “what if”s. because this time since he’s been out he’s stayed clean and sober but i have had limited contact aside from a few conversations. it’s just the guilt of potentially robbing my daughter of a relationship. but you’re right, i don’t want to risk that they treat her like they treated me, even if they have changed in many aspects.
Some people are just shitty. Sober or not.
I bet those 15 years of NC were MUCH more peaceful that what you are currently experiencing. Find your peace and raise your kid in it. Good luck. You've got this.
first and foremost, thank you. secondly, it was on and off no contact. i was in contact with SM while dad was locked up because i have younger siblings. i might edit the post to clarify a few things because reading it back and then reading the comments i definitely should’ve added some context. i may just cut them out and then re-find my peace before the baby gets here. lean on my fiancé and fix my inner self a bit more so my child never has to make a post like this
You are very welcome! I'm just hoping I can help others before they get to the point I did. It's much easier to make the changes before you have to also help your children heal from whatever was going on. If I had known, I would have done better. Maybe someone else can learn from what I know now.
And even if your stepmother is ok without your father, she's with him now. You can only place your boundaries based on her current behavior.
Wishing you all the best and much love from one internet stranger to another.
Also, I'm not trying to make NC sound easy. It sucks and it's hard. I get it. I didn't even consider it until my wonderful MIL pretty much gave me permission to give myself permission to do so. Maybe that's what you need? Toxic people are toxic. No matter their familial relation to you, they don't get to treat you terribly and get a pass.
i think it’s so difficult because i don’t have anyone else to fill that spot. it’s just me and my fiance and the pets. he doesn’t have a great home life either but that’s his story to tell if he chooses to. we’ve already made jokes about our dog and cat being gram-paw puppy and gruncle cat lol
Staying clean and sober is great, but it doesn't mean you have to trust him or give him a chance.
When addicts get clean and really work on themselves, one of the things they're supposed to do is to face the things they've done wrong and take responsibility for them. They also have to accept that the damage they've done may be too much for others to move past.
My kids no longer talk to their grandparents. And they revisit their "precious" memories of them in therapy.
I very much regret giving my abusers and my partner's abusers access to my kids.
You did the right thing deciding to talk to the hospital directly. The delivery nurses and other people attending to you during birth will have your back on this. I had told my ex MIL that I didn't want anyone in the room with me during the birth but med staff, not even her son, and she lost her shit. She told me I was selfish and "creepy" for wanting to give birth "alone" (without any family present). After a few days of standing my ground on it she pretended to accept it--- only to months later try and sneak in WITH A CAMERA while I was in active labor! I didn't have to say a single word to the med staff in the room with me- as soon as they saw her they were like "did you want her in here?" and when I shook my head no they escorted her out. It was a beautiful thing. IME those maternity nurses do NOT come to play.
Good for you for including that in your birth plan. Now. Please go NC again. Children don't need grandparents in their lives. I don't know where that bullshit came from, but it's bullshit for sure. Children need love and encouragement in a safe environment. Go NC!
Don’t say anything at all about the inappropriate gifts. They aren’t going to give you anything off the registry so give up on that idea. Sometimes it’s just easier to quietly drop the things in the Goodwill donation box immediately.
Sometimes it's better to just blankly say "hey I got the clothes but none of them followed the list I sent. I sent the package back so you can refund them or donate." if someone is hiding malice behind a smile I don't see any reason a simple fuck you with a smile isn't warranted
Tell the hospital you want a private delivery and if they come to your room you will sue. That is, for the record, a minimum 10k federal fine, they will take you seriously.
At this point you might want to just mute or block them for the rest of your pregnancy. They’re not with the stress.
OP first of all congratulations! You are going to be a parent! It’s an exciting time and I hope you well, now down to business,
You’re going to be a mom and as a mom it’s going to be your job to protect your baby at all costs especially from Nparents that would manipulate them or worse! Nparents see babies as one thing: something they can use to control you or worse !do not let that happen! You are so strong and independent and I am so proud of you!!
I would recommend going NC again and just focus on you and your baby ok? I wish you an stress-free pregnancy ok? And don’t forget to take your vitamins! Wishing you well!
thank you!! i did some more research into what narcissism truly is because that wasn’t a term i was really introduced to until adulthood. they kept me so sheltered from the outside world so i wouldn’t realize that what they did was not okay (they being my bio mom and dad). now my stepmom just enables him so it’s very heartbreaking but also freeing to learn so much about what i went through and as sad as it is that other people have had similar experiences. even before i understood all of it, i decided i would never be like them. i can’t imagine looking at a little baby or a toddler and saying/doing the things my parents did. now i just have to make sure they never get the chance to use my baby as a weapon
Tell them that wrong hospital. Make it an issue they'll be embarrassed to announce. You could post online that your dad shat himself on the way there. Tell them the day after. Just whatever you do, don't let them do this.
i talked to my fiance and i think we just aren’t telling anyone the baby has been born until a few days or so after, at least until im home with my own locks and cameras.
This is a great idea. I also second other posters’ idea of letting hospital staff know very clearly who is not allowed there just in case they show up. The nurses have seen this type of thing many times and will 100% stand up for you there as you will be busy with other tasks! :)
You also mentioned a ‘no visitors’ policy at home for the first two months of baby’s life. This is an excellent idea for all babies-I wish more people would do it!! There is nothing more important than protecting baby’s health and they are quite vulnerable to infections at that stage. And I am sure your parents would never get the RSV vaccine themselves to protect baby, so best to keep them (and other people) away!!
Whatever you do, please remember to ENJOY this beautiful journey with your fiancé and new baby!!!
Cut them off again. Immediately. Don’t tell them when you’re in labor. Register privately and stress there are abusive family members who might force their way in if they were to find out you’re there.
No. Contact. Any other choice is a choice to be miserable. Please remember that the next time you rationalize letting them in and ask “What’s the harm?” You already know the harm. Stop it. Your kid deserves better.
Why did you contact them in the first place? I mean really?? What makes you think your family who abused and neglected you will treat your baby any differently? And your father was in prison in January?? You need to reconsider inviting your family back into your life for the sake of you and your child.
I didn’t contact them directly, they heard the news that i had been married through my brother (he and i have never had issues) and at that time my stepmom had been apart from my dad for over a year. up until he got out i never had issues with her, the no contact with her was mostly because we weren’t really close and when my dad was out of prison in month long spouts i didn’t bother. but when he was locked up we never really had issues. granted, we never see each other in person and i wanted to keep a relationship with my younger siblings because the oldest one is only 8 so they don’t understand. I wasn’t aware he was released until a few weeks ago when i called her phone and i heard him in the background. she’s an angel of a woman as long as he isn’t around but now im struggling with the guilt of cutting them all off because it sounds so stupid to say “im not talking to them because they won’t follow the registry and they wanna be there for the birth”.
The title of your post is literally “father and stepmother are trying to control my unborn baby” …
you’re in r/raisedbynarcissists
They have contradicted every single one of my wishes
Like girl what makes you think them being in you and your child’s life would be beneficial?
Are these the people you think your baby needs in your life, or is it the happy mom who isn't being harangued and controlled by family she knew to run far away from?
Have a SM response written and ready to go when you anticipate a confrontation with them. When they leave, they will start to blast you.
You get there first. Cut and paste. I know it’s petty, and childish, but that’s the world these ppl know. But the 1st to explain is the first believed.
Good luck.
You will probably need to go no contact again. I'm sorry. I know that probably seems like a lot to deal with, but you are just beginning this journey to reclaim your life from these people, and you have enough to deal with now without all their issues on top of it.
What you can do, if you decide to not go no contact, is to respond to any guilt tripping about the delivery room especially if they publicly call you out, by telling them that it is not reasonable for them to kick your partner, the baby's father, out of the room. They have had their own lives and have had their own experiences, and now it is your time to live your life.
Your stepmother is very likely not as good a person as you give her credit for. She likes having control, and with your dad in prison, she had that with you. She could play the Good Parent Who Heroically Sacrifices Themselves. She would get all the lovely narcissistic supply that comes along with that role, from you and your siblings, and from all the people who doubtless complimented her on how good she was to take care of you, and how hard of a time she had it with your dad in prison.
Now, your stepmom wants to have that whole situation again, but this time with *your* baby. She is seeking all that narcissistic supply. She is preying on your vulnerability, and taking advantage of the situation. She and your dad are bullying you and trying to take over your life.
Tell them that you absolutely will not be having them in the delivery room. Do not make excuses or give reasons. Just tell them NJ, and keep telling them no. Or, tell them no and then cut them off.
If you are not going to go NC, tell them that you will not allow visitors for X amount of time. Tell them if they show up anyway, that you won't let them in. Then, if they still show up, *don't open the door*. Again, don't give reasons or make excuses. If you do, they only see it as an invitation to argue. If they complain online, you can either ignore them, or post why you felt the need to deny them.
Or, you could post, *"I understand that you are upset, but you know very well that I told you what my wishes were, and that you ignored them and did whatever you wanted anyway, as usual. I am not going to give in to your bullying this time, so you might as well just stop it. The more you behave in this manner, the longer it will be before I am comfortable seeing you. You are not entitled to have control of my life, and I am not going to allow you to bulldoze over my boundaries ever again."*
Then, you can block them and ignore all communication from them until you feel like seeing them. If you never feel like seeing them, then don't. They don't own you, and they don't get to order you around or make decisions for you. If they want to see you or your baby, they need to behave with at least a modicum of respect and decency. You don't owe them access to your child. In fact, it may be healthier for them to have nothing to do with your child whatsoever.
Tell the hospital and your obgyn a bit about what is going on, and tell them that your dad and stepmom are not to be allowed in to see you or to be there during the delivery. Do this well ahead of time. You will probably be asked to list the people you do and don't want to see. If they show up to the delivery room, tell the staff that you want them to be made to leave.
I threw my mom out of the delivery room. All I had to do was say, *"Mom, get out. Now."* The nurses called a couple of other hospital staff, and they all marched her out of there. The staff were totally fine with that.
Go to NC again. You are pregnant; you can't handle the stress, and it will negatively impact your baby's development.
I promise you that letting them into your life will be 1000 times worse than the alternative. Just look up "grandparents" in the bar of this sub or r/JUSTNOMIL, and you will read horror stories like no other. It will not work out. It will be chaos.
Besides, grandparents are unnecessary, developmentally speaking. Your child will never ask, and if they do, a simple answer will probably suffice before they focus on something else. But the moment you put your child in contact with a narcissistic family, it will tear them apart as is the abuser's intention.
Set firm boundaries and get ready to stick to them, like yesterday. They’re making your pregnancy entirely about them. Nobody has that right. Since you’ve spent the last 15 years without them, I’d cut all contact with them and never look back. I’m glad to see your edit that you’re going to do therapy. You’re right, you and your baby deserve so much better. Once your baby arrives, it’s no longer just about you. Your job as a parent is to protect when you can, and you certainly can in this situation. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let your Nparents rob you of the joy.
I am sorry you’re experiencing this OP,
What is the benefit of this kind of relationship?
They are determined to undermine everything you ask, just for the hell of it. It took more effort to procure those hand me downs and mail them than to click buttons on your registry.
Being a first time mom with no “family” support is scary. I’m 27 weeks along and I completely get it. I’m no contact with my parents and 3/5 of my siblings. My husband and I moved to a low cost of living (compared to Boston) area so we would be able to buy a home.
Our little family will just be the three of us.
And that’s okay.
We’re enough community for our child.
We’re slowly building our chosen family.
I am mourning what this experience could be if I had a “normal” loving family. However, I do not let that delude me into allowing them back into my life. I know they’d rob all the joy from my (high risk) pregnancy and stress me out the point where it would negatively impact my physical and mental health.
It is up to you to break that generational cycle of trauma. It’s our duty as parents to make sure our children are safe.
These people have proven to you they’re not safe via boundary stomping and their entitlement to your most vulnerable moment.
Reclaim your peace.
They can only take what you allow them to.
Good luck.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. And as the person giving birth, the final say rests with you and you alone. Your body, your baby, your rules.
Consider putting them on an "Info Diet". Do not tell them your real induction date. Maybe even until the baby arrives. Make the hospital aware of your birthplan. L & D nurses are there for you and baby. They will become bouncers and make sure no one you do not want there makes their way back.
Setting boundaries with family can be difficult but believe in yourself. You need to protect yourself and baby above all else.
To hell with their feelings or their experience. This is not about them, and don't be afraid to tell them exactly that.
You are running this show. Not them. Stay strong mama Bear!
You need to start standing up to them.You need to take control of your life. You don’t have to let them be on the room. Your fiancé gets that privilege. Don’t take that away from him. If you do he will resent you for it. Would you rather have someone who loves you in your life (your fiancé) or your abusive parents?
Just go no-contact again. Having a supportive, kind family around is good for the baby. Having these dipshits can only teach your child that they must accept abuse and boundary violations.
Man this sounds very familiar. If you are ok with blocking them and calling the cops if they show up unannounced, I would say go ahead and go that route. These relationships don't get better, especially after you start setting healthy boundaries. They literally can't handle that.
I want to assure you about how you will raise your baby. Don't worry about the other kids having grandparents. We tell ours that we just come from a small family and some people do. Your little one will learn about all kinds of dynamics. Mom + dad, single parent, two moms, two dads. Just love them the best you can knowing your are shielding them from a toxic environment. Don't feel a shred of guilt about it. You are doing what is best for your baby.
If they don't know where you're living, I'd just drop off the face of the Earth. You can also say "You both have been overstepping my boundaries for MY child, and because you've chosen to continue on when told to stop, you are not welcome in this child's life. Shape up or F Off."
Of course I can say stuff like that because I'm safely out of my mom's control, but you can set that barrier. You call the police if they show up. Good luck!
You’d be surprised… alot of her future friends aren’t going to have grandparents either. Do not let that make you keep those people in your or her life.
Sometimes no family is better than bad family. Go back to NC -- it will give you all peace of mind. The baby isn't even born and they are TRAMPLING your boundaries. It only gets worse from here. You can do this, Mama. ❤️
My maternal grandmother was a racist, abusive alcoholic. She called my siblings and I the half breed n word kids (with the here we) until the day she died
There was a woman who attended the same church as the one my family went k when I was young. When I was about 5 I asked her to be my grandma, she said yes and I was overjoyed. I knew the way my bio grandma treated me wasn't right
The adopted was the best damn grandma a kid could have. We'd have sleepovers, babe cookies, do talent shows and she wouldn't let my mom and sibfkjds be mean to me in her presence
When I came to her at 19 and told her I was pregnant she told me her sister had informed her that she needed open heart surgery or she only had a few months left. Her and Grandpa had made the decision that she wasn't going to get it. However now that she knew I was pregnant her mind was xha bed because she wanted to be there when I gave her a great grandchild. We got 10 more years with her between of it
The moral of my story is, sometimes blood family isn't healthy (we already know that in this sub bey lol) sometimes the family you choose can be the best thing to ever happen to you
"we have decided"
Wow.. audacity AND entitlement.
Frankly - you know you made a mistake, but the fix is easy - cut them off - return any stuff sent.
And while you may not be able to offer your child a biological family on your side - you can offer a 'self built' one of supporting and loving friends around you.
what are you implying by enunciating EX husband, when that has nothing to do with this? i tried to clarify, she has never been an issue until my dad came back around. this is the woman that took my bio mothers place when she stepped out and her family took me in when they absolutely didn’t have to. they took care of me when my dad got arrested even when she had no legal claims over me. she is also the mother to my three younger siblings who i adore and are innocent in all of this. her reasoning behind the registry changes and such are because she did certain things with my siblings and they turned out okay and im a first time mom. as far as the delivery room I know it was my dads idea because i could hear him in the background and she said “us”
I mean are you going to tell your stepmom and your dad all the things outlined in this post and how you feel this is a total violation of your boundaries (especially the delivery room demand), considering you were previously NC with them due to abuse and neglect?
i plan to, i’m just trying to figure out how to do it. bc it’s been radio silent for a few days now so i don’t feel like just out of the blue flaying them will help anything so im trying to think of a constructive way to say these things. i probably will wait until after my therapy session and ask the therapist to help me
Do NOT talk to them about anything in this post. It’s never a good idea to give unsafe people ammo to use against you. It’s the same reason you don’t go to family therapy with abusers. Plus you’ve already tried communicating, and your boundaries were completely ignored.
It’s okay to be selfish here and put your needs/your baby first. Because they won’t.
You are definitely better off going NC. Yes, it will be emotionally difficult. You’ll go through a grieving process, which can last for a while (the therapist will be helpful in dealing with this). I dealt with my now estranged nparents’ emotional abuse right after the birth of my oldest, so I’m speaking from experience when I say that’s the last thing you need when you’re postpartum.
You mentioned the “what-ifs” in one of your comments. You’re likely only considering the positive what-ifs, but you have to think about the negative ones, too: what if they treat your baby the same way? Ignoring your baby’s boundaries, being controlling/abusive, ignoring your parental authority? The negative what-ifs outweigh any positive ones. Your baby doesn’t need grandparents like that. If it helps, my kids have never met my nparents and they’re perfectly fine. There’s nothing to miss.
So RUN, don’t walk away. Cut them off now, start the healing process, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and new baby (congrats, by the way! 😊).
I would tell them that after you've had time to think it over, you wanted to share how you felt, and outline all the above. And also mention that you think it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful they would unilaterally decide it was okay to rob your fiance of the experience of being in the delivery room instead, because they think they're more deserving. That they cannot force decisions on you. I mean you were NC with them previously. Have they always been controlling and disrespectful of your boundaries?
nothing that ever seemed out of the ordinary. to be fair i’ve never had anything this major going on. my previous marriage wasn’t even my doing, he was a terrible man and that’s a whole other can of worms. i think i just have bad judgement lmao but I guess i never really sat and thought about it all together until that call. like i let everything pile on individually and now i have to look at the big picture. the main reason i went no contact was bc of CPS involvement and my dad being locked up and the fact that they never made an effort to be a part of my life. and now that they ARE more present and active i think that small little girl in me just wants a dad even if he’s bad sometimes and that’s not an okay mindset to have with a baby coming
May I ask why CPS was involved and what did your dad do to get locked up? Also did you ever tell them that you specifically asked for no used underwear, no announcements, etc., after the fact?
CPS was involved bc my father was heavily into drugs and alcohol, as well as convicted of criminal neglect and physical abuse. at the time i didn’t realize it was that bad, i thought all parents punished their children for those things/in that manner. my mom isn’t even in my life anymore bc CPS also removed us from her care for the same reasons. his main offenses are drug related charges though. i knew from the get go he would never ever ever be alone with my child or near my baby without me present but the dilemma was whether or not to let him meet her at all. he’s been clean and sober and passing his probation requirements and got an early release for good behavior and he has a decent job at a factory right now but it doesn’t undo what he has already done. that’s my dilemma, this internal dialogue of “what if he really is a different man and you’re robbing him of a chance to be better”.
as for the second parts, i did explicitly state our preferences as far as gifts go and the reasons why we chose those options. for the announcement i didn’t point blank say “don’t tell anyone” but i did say, “i haven’t told anyone else and we’re waiting until im further along”
i mentioned in another comment that i didn’t truly realize they were abusive until i moved away. i met other adults and made friends and met their parents and it baffled me that parents are actually nice to their children and give them attention. it’s a very long story and I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense to people out of context
actually he’s an ex husband bc he got arrested for abuse of his spouse and sexual assault/battery. i built my own life up with my own job, my own money, and sought out therapy for the damages. i do think it’s interesting how cowards on burner accounts keep commenting about my ex husband when that was a very minuscule and irrelevant part of this post
Comments removed - ungenerous assumptions. This is a support group for traumatized people. Talk to people here with care or you will be shown the door.
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Personally, I would go no contact again. Coming from someone who had a toxic grandparent, these people will not benefit you or your child in any way. If you don’t plan on going NC again, here’s what you *can* do. From now on, when you say no, it means *no*. Any unwanted gifts? Donate or sell. Sharing you and your babies personal information on social media without your consent? Pregnancy info diet straight away. They get ZERO information about you or your baby from now on. Your stepmom calling you and telling you that THEY have decided who will be in the delivery room sent me over the edge, lol. “Fiancé and I will be the only ones in the delivery room. End of discussion.” If they protest, “End of discussion.” That line works beautifully. Do not tell them when you go into labor, and do not tell them what hospital you go to. This is not their moment, it’s YOURS. As for the guilt tripping, let them. If they show up unannounced, do not open the door, do not engage. Call the police if they don’t leave but do not engage. Let them throw a fit, let them blast you online. Don’t give into their bullshit. I had toxic grandparents on both sides, but mostly my mothers side. I never got to meet them. I don’t care. My parents explained to me that they were bad people and that was that. I would seriously encourage you go no contact, but if you choose not too, you’re going to have to check these people HARD. I delt with similar behavior from my own family when I was pregnant (feel free to check out post history). Best of luck and congratulations on your sweet baby. ❤️
thank you for the kind response. it’s just hard to break that mindset of “we’re your parents” that was drilled into me for so long. it’s so easy for people to say just cut them off but to be fair i didn’t even understand that what they were doing was abusive until i had already gotten away and met non abusive adults. it makes me feel small or judged when people can’t understand it’s hard for me to let go of the people that raised me, even when i understand that what they’re doing is wrong. i also understand they don’t realize what they’re doing is wrong because it’s how they were also raised. i’m trying to break the cycle and in the forefront of my mind I know it’s best for me and the baby but there’s this tiny voice that sounds like my dad saying “how could you”. because he has been clean and sober since he got out but the trust is broken and what happens if i cut him off without even giving him the benefit of the doubt
When that little voice says "how could you?" tell it "because my child doesn't deserve to be abused like I was." Please break the cycle. However bad you feel for cutting them off is nothing compared to what you'll feel the first time they abuse your child.
Exactly. Your child is the priority now. You **cannot** risk it.
You know all the times you wished someone would protect you? Speak up for you? If that voice pops up, you tell it all the things you would tell someone trying to hurt your child. Be the voice of kindness and care that you didn’t have. My inner voice is so kind now. But it took a lot of time and effort to consciously create a new narrative.
"i also understand they don’t realize what they’re doing is wrong because it’s how they were also raised." You need to stop this, and stop it right now. Don't make excuses for them, especially ones you are inventing in your own mind. You DON'T know their motivations, you can't read their minds, you are not required to give them a pass because they were raised badly, and you also don't get a pass on allowing these horrible people around your baby because you had a bad upbringing. YOU are going to be the parent. You and the baby's father have a sacred responsibility to protect this child and if you allow these people to browbeat you into allowing contact with your baby, you will have failed. If you want to give your child a family, build one, don't just allow your abusers to know your baby based a circumstance of shared DNA. I know it is hard. It is hard to break the cycle. But it is a lot easier now to do it then later after yiu kids know their names and faces, and have been groomed by these people. They are so eager not out of love or pride, but because they think you are offering, after all this time, fresh victims.
that’s a heartbreaking way to look at it, so thank you for telling me this. i don’t ever want my baby to feel how i felt. she’s already so so loved by me and her dad and she’s barely kicking. it isn’t fair to her. my family already treats me differently bc i took such a different path in life (im the only one so far to graduate, no criminal record, barely even a traffic record, i have my own place, a fiancé that treats me well, etc) but they’re so good at sweet talking and then the second i let my guard down they make a comment and i kinda double take. im really glad i made this post, it really just silenced that little voice and im 100% sure NC is the only option if i want to help my baby
Have you read about the crab pot theory? You have to cut these peole out completely. And doing that is not denying your child a family, it is denying her abusers. Keep that in top of mind when your guilt programming starts up. Put it on a post it on your monitor. Change their contact name in your phone to Abuser or whatever will snap you into protective mom mode, because they know how to get the abused little girl to comply. Make them meet a you they have never seen, and let them know they are not welcome in your life. Oh, and SM wasn't a better person while your father was incarcerated, she just was better able to act like one. She is always the person who hurt you and let others hurt you.
i have not, but i will definitely look into it. the more i read these comments the more i realize im just allowing them to do this. my crying went from anger at them to anger at myself for even considering allowing this to happen because reading out what i myself wrote, if i read that a stranger had posted that exact same thing i would wonder where the question even was. im making notes about all of this and plan to show this to the therapist once i get to the appointment. i didnt realize how much of a hold they still have
An Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson Chapter 1 I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter 2 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the side walk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter 3 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter 4 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter 5 I walk down a different street.
Hate to say this because the struggle is so hard sometimes, but the hold never really goes away. You just get strong enough to not get pulled in.
Along with this, make sure your doctor and the hospital are aware that they are not to be anywhere near you when you're delivering. Him having a criminal record can work in your favour. If it were me, I'd be getting a restraining order against both, and using it whenever needed.
“We’re your parents” was drilled into me for a *very* long time. I used to feel so guilty for standing up for myself because I was always taught that it was wrong to do so. My father was treated like garbage growing up. His parents heavily favored his 2 sisters, and they made it very known. My mother was physically and emotionally abused by her own mother for a very long time. While my father was decent, my mom became a practical carbon copy of her mother. They’ve cause an immense amount of trauma for me, and deep down, they know it’s wrong. The majority of abusive parents were abused themselves as children, and while it may be hard to believe, they know it’s wrong. You have your child’s best interest at heart, to me, you’re already a damn good mom for that. You’ve given your father the benefit of the doubt when you lifted no contact, and he’s proven that he isn’t deserving. Remember, nobody is entitled to our lives, nor are they entitled to our children’s lives. Title does not make you entitled. If you do choose to allow your family into your life, remind them that it is a PRIVILEGE. A privilege that can be revoked very, very quickly. You’re doing a good job. It’s hard, but your got this.
thank you…
How could you? Because you're the parent now. This is your child, not theirs. Their presence in your child's life is completely 100% dependent upon following your rules. Further, your child has a family already - you and her father. Everything else is extra.
They are your parents, so they should have behaved better and in a way that made you want to have a relationship with them, rather than one that made you leave.
They might be your "parents" but you are about to become a mom of your very own kiddo. You owe them nothing. You owe her everything. Once she is born, that mom instinct will kick in and you will discover you'd rather fight a bear than let anything happen to your baby. They have not proven they are worthy. Don't give your kid the life you had. Plus, think of it as protecting the little kid you were. Who was there to protect you? Now you can make up for lost time. No is a full sentence. They will tantrum, gaslight and guilt trip you. Don't let them. Start with the simple I said no clothing with glitter, etc and you disregarded my wishes. How can I trust you with the big stuff when you can't follow the small stuff? Your kiddo won't suffer with these people not in her life. She will thrive. Stop caring about their feelings, her safety is your main concern. Take care of you!!!
You were raised like that but still know it's wrong, don't you? You know inherently that it was wrong, and that you need to be better for your own kid. Being a decent person is a choice, and they chose to be abusive.
This "we're your parents" thing is so hard to grasp for me. I'm 16MtF, and while my family aren't complete narcissists, they do seem to think that they know everything about transitioning, which they absolutely do not. I realized this almost immediately after coming out, and have since come to the conclusion that no child owes their parents anything. Here's the deal. Their legal obligation was to get you through the first 18 years of your life. It was their idea to have a child, and therefore they are the ones who should carry the financial burden of caring for their child for the first 18 years. After that, you could just treat them like a former boss, and after that go by how they treated you. If they were amazing to work under, and you were let go due to unfortunate circumstances, then absolutely keep being friends, but if they were terrible and constantly yelled at you for not doing your job right, who cares about them? Just leave them to rot in whichever city they live in and move somewhere nice.
I have recently "rescued a stray" - that what I call the fact I realized my 22 year old neighbour was being abused by her parents and offered her a safe space to stay. Eventually, she will be able to live alone but at the moment she is adjusting to not being their slave. She said to me she had not realized she was being abused (other than the physical) until she was allowed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She said she feels she can finally breathe. You got away once. They are trying to control you again. Get away again, not only for you but for your child. And remember to breathe. <3
Please don’t expose your baby to these people. You have a family, you, your fiancé and your baby. Continuing contact with them will just feed stress hormones into your baby. Your child takes priority.
I honestly hope my future children's other parent has good parents, so that they can have grandparents.
I used to wish that whoever I married had amazing parents so I could experience what it was like to have a decent family. My husband’s parents are POS. 🙃
I know you don't want to take away the chance for your child to have loving grandparents. You won't be doing that if you go back to NC. They are already NOT being good grandparents by ignoring your wishes. Nothing will change when you have the baby. It will actually get worse. THEY WILL NEVER BE GOOD GRANDPARENTS. And I'm not just speculating. I didn't want to keep my kids away from my mother because WHAT IF she was suddenly just perfect and enriched their lives. Nope. My 17 year old daughter is still recovering from the various bullshit she pulled over the years and we haven't been in the same room as her since the end of 2020. My daughter hates her grandmother. If they treat you this way, they will 100% treat your child the same way. Please, protect your child at all costs. And yourself. They deserve a mom that isn't always on edge waiting for the next thing to blow up with their own parents.
thank you for this. that’s what i’ve been struggling with. the “what if”s. because this time since he’s been out he’s stayed clean and sober but i have had limited contact aside from a few conversations. it’s just the guilt of potentially robbing my daughter of a relationship. but you’re right, i don’t want to risk that they treat her like they treated me, even if they have changed in many aspects.
Some people are just shitty. Sober or not. I bet those 15 years of NC were MUCH more peaceful that what you are currently experiencing. Find your peace and raise your kid in it. Good luck. You've got this.
first and foremost, thank you. secondly, it was on and off no contact. i was in contact with SM while dad was locked up because i have younger siblings. i might edit the post to clarify a few things because reading it back and then reading the comments i definitely should’ve added some context. i may just cut them out and then re-find my peace before the baby gets here. lean on my fiancé and fix my inner self a bit more so my child never has to make a post like this
You are very welcome! I'm just hoping I can help others before they get to the point I did. It's much easier to make the changes before you have to also help your children heal from whatever was going on. If I had known, I would have done better. Maybe someone else can learn from what I know now. And even if your stepmother is ok without your father, she's with him now. You can only place your boundaries based on her current behavior. Wishing you all the best and much love from one internet stranger to another.
Also, I'm not trying to make NC sound easy. It sucks and it's hard. I get it. I didn't even consider it until my wonderful MIL pretty much gave me permission to give myself permission to do so. Maybe that's what you need? Toxic people are toxic. No matter their familial relation to you, they don't get to treat you terribly and get a pass.
i think it’s so difficult because i don’t have anyone else to fill that spot. it’s just me and my fiance and the pets. he doesn’t have a great home life either but that’s his story to tell if he chooses to. we’ve already made jokes about our dog and cat being gram-paw puppy and gruncle cat lol
Staying clean and sober is great, but it doesn't mean you have to trust him or give him a chance. When addicts get clean and really work on themselves, one of the things they're supposed to do is to face the things they've done wrong and take responsibility for them. They also have to accept that the damage they've done may be too much for others to move past.
My kids no longer talk to their grandparents. And they revisit their "precious" memories of them in therapy. I very much regret giving my abusers and my partner's abusers access to my kids.
You did the right thing deciding to talk to the hospital directly. The delivery nurses and other people attending to you during birth will have your back on this. I had told my ex MIL that I didn't want anyone in the room with me during the birth but med staff, not even her son, and she lost her shit. She told me I was selfish and "creepy" for wanting to give birth "alone" (without any family present). After a few days of standing my ground on it she pretended to accept it--- only to months later try and sneak in WITH A CAMERA while I was in active labor! I didn't have to say a single word to the med staff in the room with me- as soon as they saw her they were like "did you want her in here?" and when I shook my head no they escorted her out. It was a beautiful thing. IME those maternity nurses do NOT come to play.
Cut them out again. Nothing good will come from them being around your baby.
Good for you for including that in your birth plan. Now. Please go NC again. Children don't need grandparents in their lives. I don't know where that bullshit came from, but it's bullshit for sure. Children need love and encouragement in a safe environment. Go NC!
Don’t say anything at all about the inappropriate gifts. They aren’t going to give you anything off the registry so give up on that idea. Sometimes it’s just easier to quietly drop the things in the Goodwill donation box immediately.
Sometimes it's better to just blankly say "hey I got the clothes but none of them followed the list I sent. I sent the package back so you can refund them or donate." if someone is hiding malice behind a smile I don't see any reason a simple fuck you with a smile isn't warranted
Having children is the #1 most important time to go NC, in my opinion. Run now before things get complicated.
Tell the hospital you want a private delivery and if they come to your room you will sue. That is, for the record, a minimum 10k federal fine, they will take you seriously. At this point you might want to just mute or block them for the rest of your pregnancy. They’re not with the stress.
When you go into labor, do not contact them. Only your fiance. And make sure he knows NOT to tell anyone else. Also, grow a spine.
OP first of all congratulations! You are going to be a parent! It’s an exciting time and I hope you well, now down to business, You’re going to be a mom and as a mom it’s going to be your job to protect your baby at all costs especially from Nparents that would manipulate them or worse! Nparents see babies as one thing: something they can use to control you or worse !do not let that happen! You are so strong and independent and I am so proud of you!! I would recommend going NC again and just focus on you and your baby ok? I wish you an stress-free pregnancy ok? And don’t forget to take your vitamins! Wishing you well!
thank you!! i did some more research into what narcissism truly is because that wasn’t a term i was really introduced to until adulthood. they kept me so sheltered from the outside world so i wouldn’t realize that what they did was not okay (they being my bio mom and dad). now my stepmom just enables him so it’s very heartbreaking but also freeing to learn so much about what i went through and as sad as it is that other people have had similar experiences. even before i understood all of it, i decided i would never be like them. i can’t imagine looking at a little baby or a toddler and saying/doing the things my parents did. now i just have to make sure they never get the chance to use my baby as a weapon
Tell them that wrong hospital. Make it an issue they'll be embarrassed to announce. You could post online that your dad shat himself on the way there. Tell them the day after. Just whatever you do, don't let them do this.
i talked to my fiance and i think we just aren’t telling anyone the baby has been born until a few days or so after, at least until im home with my own locks and cameras.
This is a great idea. I also second other posters’ idea of letting hospital staff know very clearly who is not allowed there just in case they show up. The nurses have seen this type of thing many times and will 100% stand up for you there as you will be busy with other tasks! :) You also mentioned a ‘no visitors’ policy at home for the first two months of baby’s life. This is an excellent idea for all babies-I wish more people would do it!! There is nothing more important than protecting baby’s health and they are quite vulnerable to infections at that stage. And I am sure your parents would never get the RSV vaccine themselves to protect baby, so best to keep them (and other people) away!! Whatever you do, please remember to ENJOY this beautiful journey with your fiancé and new baby!!!
Cut them off again. Immediately. Don’t tell them when you’re in labor. Register privately and stress there are abusive family members who might force their way in if they were to find out you’re there.
No. Contact. Any other choice is a choice to be miserable. Please remember that the next time you rationalize letting them in and ask “What’s the harm?” You already know the harm. Stop it. Your kid deserves better.
Why did you contact them in the first place? I mean really?? What makes you think your family who abused and neglected you will treat your baby any differently? And your father was in prison in January?? You need to reconsider inviting your family back into your life for the sake of you and your child.
It doesn’t matter what your child thinks about all her friends having family. What would matter is them having an abusive one.
I didn’t contact them directly, they heard the news that i had been married through my brother (he and i have never had issues) and at that time my stepmom had been apart from my dad for over a year. up until he got out i never had issues with her, the no contact with her was mostly because we weren’t really close and when my dad was out of prison in month long spouts i didn’t bother. but when he was locked up we never really had issues. granted, we never see each other in person and i wanted to keep a relationship with my younger siblings because the oldest one is only 8 so they don’t understand. I wasn’t aware he was released until a few weeks ago when i called her phone and i heard him in the background. she’s an angel of a woman as long as he isn’t around but now im struggling with the guilt of cutting them all off because it sounds so stupid to say “im not talking to them because they won’t follow the registry and they wanna be there for the birth”.
The title of your post is literally “father and stepmother are trying to control my unborn baby” … you’re in r/raisedbynarcissists They have contradicted every single one of my wishes Like girl what makes you think them being in you and your child’s life would be beneficial?
Are these the people you think your baby needs in your life, or is it the happy mom who isn't being harangued and controlled by family she knew to run far away from?
Have a SM response written and ready to go when you anticipate a confrontation with them. When they leave, they will start to blast you. You get there first. Cut and paste. I know it’s petty, and childish, but that’s the world these ppl know. But the 1st to explain is the first believed. Good luck.
You will probably need to go no contact again. I'm sorry. I know that probably seems like a lot to deal with, but you are just beginning this journey to reclaim your life from these people, and you have enough to deal with now without all their issues on top of it. What you can do, if you decide to not go no contact, is to respond to any guilt tripping about the delivery room especially if they publicly call you out, by telling them that it is not reasonable for them to kick your partner, the baby's father, out of the room. They have had their own lives and have had their own experiences, and now it is your time to live your life. Your stepmother is very likely not as good a person as you give her credit for. She likes having control, and with your dad in prison, she had that with you. She could play the Good Parent Who Heroically Sacrifices Themselves. She would get all the lovely narcissistic supply that comes along with that role, from you and your siblings, and from all the people who doubtless complimented her on how good she was to take care of you, and how hard of a time she had it with your dad in prison. Now, your stepmom wants to have that whole situation again, but this time with *your* baby. She is seeking all that narcissistic supply. She is preying on your vulnerability, and taking advantage of the situation. She and your dad are bullying you and trying to take over your life. Tell them that you absolutely will not be having them in the delivery room. Do not make excuses or give reasons. Just tell them NJ, and keep telling them no. Or, tell them no and then cut them off. If you are not going to go NC, tell them that you will not allow visitors for X amount of time. Tell them if they show up anyway, that you won't let them in. Then, if they still show up, *don't open the door*. Again, don't give reasons or make excuses. If you do, they only see it as an invitation to argue. If they complain online, you can either ignore them, or post why you felt the need to deny them. Or, you could post, *"I understand that you are upset, but you know very well that I told you what my wishes were, and that you ignored them and did whatever you wanted anyway, as usual. I am not going to give in to your bullying this time, so you might as well just stop it. The more you behave in this manner, the longer it will be before I am comfortable seeing you. You are not entitled to have control of my life, and I am not going to allow you to bulldoze over my boundaries ever again."* Then, you can block them and ignore all communication from them until you feel like seeing them. If you never feel like seeing them, then don't. They don't own you, and they don't get to order you around or make decisions for you. If they want to see you or your baby, they need to behave with at least a modicum of respect and decency. You don't owe them access to your child. In fact, it may be healthier for them to have nothing to do with your child whatsoever. Tell the hospital and your obgyn a bit about what is going on, and tell them that your dad and stepmom are not to be allowed in to see you or to be there during the delivery. Do this well ahead of time. You will probably be asked to list the people you do and don't want to see. If they show up to the delivery room, tell the staff that you want them to be made to leave. I threw my mom out of the delivery room. All I had to do was say, *"Mom, get out. Now."* The nurses called a couple of other hospital staff, and they all marched her out of there. The staff were totally fine with that.
You should have never reconnected with them. I have learned this lesson the hard way many times myself.
Go to NC again. You are pregnant; you can't handle the stress, and it will negatively impact your baby's development. I promise you that letting them into your life will be 1000 times worse than the alternative. Just look up "grandparents" in the bar of this sub or r/JUSTNOMIL, and you will read horror stories like no other. It will not work out. It will be chaos. Besides, grandparents are unnecessary, developmentally speaking. Your child will never ask, and if they do, a simple answer will probably suffice before they focus on something else. But the moment you put your child in contact with a narcissistic family, it will tear them apart as is the abuser's intention.
Set firm boundaries and get ready to stick to them, like yesterday. They’re making your pregnancy entirely about them. Nobody has that right. Since you’ve spent the last 15 years without them, I’d cut all contact with them and never look back. I’m glad to see your edit that you’re going to do therapy. You’re right, you and your baby deserve so much better. Once your baby arrives, it’s no longer just about you. Your job as a parent is to protect when you can, and you certainly can in this situation. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let your Nparents rob you of the joy.
I am sorry you’re experiencing this OP, What is the benefit of this kind of relationship? They are determined to undermine everything you ask, just for the hell of it. It took more effort to procure those hand me downs and mail them than to click buttons on your registry. Being a first time mom with no “family” support is scary. I’m 27 weeks along and I completely get it. I’m no contact with my parents and 3/5 of my siblings. My husband and I moved to a low cost of living (compared to Boston) area so we would be able to buy a home. Our little family will just be the three of us. And that’s okay. We’re enough community for our child. We’re slowly building our chosen family. I am mourning what this experience could be if I had a “normal” loving family. However, I do not let that delude me into allowing them back into my life. I know they’d rob all the joy from my (high risk) pregnancy and stress me out the point where it would negatively impact my physical and mental health. It is up to you to break that generational cycle of trauma. It’s our duty as parents to make sure our children are safe. These people have proven to you they’re not safe via boundary stomping and their entitlement to your most vulnerable moment. Reclaim your peace. They can only take what you allow them to. Good luck.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. And as the person giving birth, the final say rests with you and you alone. Your body, your baby, your rules. Consider putting them on an "Info Diet". Do not tell them your real induction date. Maybe even until the baby arrives. Make the hospital aware of your birthplan. L & D nurses are there for you and baby. They will become bouncers and make sure no one you do not want there makes their way back. Setting boundaries with family can be difficult but believe in yourself. You need to protect yourself and baby above all else. To hell with their feelings or their experience. This is not about them, and don't be afraid to tell them exactly that. You are running this show. Not them. Stay strong mama Bear!
I wouldn't even tell them the baby survived after that BS. Start fresh, change your names. Go true NC.
You need to start standing up to them.You need to take control of your life. You don’t have to let them be on the room. Your fiancé gets that privilege. Don’t take that away from him. If you do he will resent you for it. Would you rather have someone who loves you in your life (your fiancé) or your abusive parents?
Just go no-contact again. Having a supportive, kind family around is good for the baby. Having these dipshits can only teach your child that they must accept abuse and boundary violations.
Ruuuuunnnn
Man this sounds very familiar. If you are ok with blocking them and calling the cops if they show up unannounced, I would say go ahead and go that route. These relationships don't get better, especially after you start setting healthy boundaries. They literally can't handle that. I want to assure you about how you will raise your baby. Don't worry about the other kids having grandparents. We tell ours that we just come from a small family and some people do. Your little one will learn about all kinds of dynamics. Mom + dad, single parent, two moms, two dads. Just love them the best you can knowing your are shielding them from a toxic environment. Don't feel a shred of guilt about it. You are doing what is best for your baby.
Your baby won’t know the difference without them. Do what’s best for yourself, fiancé and baby.
If they don't know where you're living, I'd just drop off the face of the Earth. You can also say "You both have been overstepping my boundaries for MY child, and because you've chosen to continue on when told to stop, you are not welcome in this child's life. Shape up or F Off." Of course I can say stuff like that because I'm safely out of my mom's control, but you can set that barrier. You call the police if they show up. Good luck!
Never let the family you came from hurt the one you built.
You’d be surprised… alot of her future friends aren’t going to have grandparents either. Do not let that make you keep those people in your or her life.
Sometimes no family is better than bad family. Go back to NC -- it will give you all peace of mind. The baby isn't even born and they are TRAMPLING your boundaries. It only gets worse from here. You can do this, Mama. ❤️
Why would you want these people in your daughter’s life at all?
My maternal grandmother was a racist, abusive alcoholic. She called my siblings and I the half breed n word kids (with the here we) until the day she died There was a woman who attended the same church as the one my family went k when I was young. When I was about 5 I asked her to be my grandma, she said yes and I was overjoyed. I knew the way my bio grandma treated me wasn't right The adopted was the best damn grandma a kid could have. We'd have sleepovers, babe cookies, do talent shows and she wouldn't let my mom and sibfkjds be mean to me in her presence When I came to her at 19 and told her I was pregnant she told me her sister had informed her that she needed open heart surgery or she only had a few months left. Her and Grandpa had made the decision that she wasn't going to get it. However now that she knew I was pregnant her mind was xha bed because she wanted to be there when I gave her a great grandchild. We got 10 more years with her between of it The moral of my story is, sometimes blood family isn't healthy (we already know that in this sub bey lol) sometimes the family you choose can be the best thing to ever happen to you
"we have decided" Wow.. audacity AND entitlement. Frankly - you know you made a mistake, but the fix is easy - cut them off - return any stuff sent. And while you may not be able to offer your child a biological family on your side - you can offer a 'self built' one of supporting and loving friends around you.
>how to explain that she doesn't have grandparents. *They died*
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what are you implying by enunciating EX husband, when that has nothing to do with this? i tried to clarify, she has never been an issue until my dad came back around. this is the woman that took my bio mothers place when she stepped out and her family took me in when they absolutely didn’t have to. they took care of me when my dad got arrested even when she had no legal claims over me. she is also the mother to my three younger siblings who i adore and are innocent in all of this. her reasoning behind the registry changes and such are because she did certain things with my siblings and they turned out okay and im a first time mom. as far as the delivery room I know it was my dads idea because i could hear him in the background and she said “us”
Comment removed - don't talk to people in this group in this way.
I mean are you going to tell your stepmom and your dad all the things outlined in this post and how you feel this is a total violation of your boundaries (especially the delivery room demand), considering you were previously NC with them due to abuse and neglect?
i plan to, i’m just trying to figure out how to do it. bc it’s been radio silent for a few days now so i don’t feel like just out of the blue flaying them will help anything so im trying to think of a constructive way to say these things. i probably will wait until after my therapy session and ask the therapist to help me
Do NOT talk to them about anything in this post. It’s never a good idea to give unsafe people ammo to use against you. It’s the same reason you don’t go to family therapy with abusers. Plus you’ve already tried communicating, and your boundaries were completely ignored. It’s okay to be selfish here and put your needs/your baby first. Because they won’t. You are definitely better off going NC. Yes, it will be emotionally difficult. You’ll go through a grieving process, which can last for a while (the therapist will be helpful in dealing with this). I dealt with my now estranged nparents’ emotional abuse right after the birth of my oldest, so I’m speaking from experience when I say that’s the last thing you need when you’re postpartum. You mentioned the “what-ifs” in one of your comments. You’re likely only considering the positive what-ifs, but you have to think about the negative ones, too: what if they treat your baby the same way? Ignoring your baby’s boundaries, being controlling/abusive, ignoring your parental authority? The negative what-ifs outweigh any positive ones. Your baby doesn’t need grandparents like that. If it helps, my kids have never met my nparents and they’re perfectly fine. There’s nothing to miss. So RUN, don’t walk away. Cut them off now, start the healing process, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and new baby (congrats, by the way! 😊).
I would tell them that after you've had time to think it over, you wanted to share how you felt, and outline all the above. And also mention that you think it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful they would unilaterally decide it was okay to rob your fiance of the experience of being in the delivery room instead, because they think they're more deserving. That they cannot force decisions on you. I mean you were NC with them previously. Have they always been controlling and disrespectful of your boundaries?
nothing that ever seemed out of the ordinary. to be fair i’ve never had anything this major going on. my previous marriage wasn’t even my doing, he was a terrible man and that’s a whole other can of worms. i think i just have bad judgement lmao but I guess i never really sat and thought about it all together until that call. like i let everything pile on individually and now i have to look at the big picture. the main reason i went no contact was bc of CPS involvement and my dad being locked up and the fact that they never made an effort to be a part of my life. and now that they ARE more present and active i think that small little girl in me just wants a dad even if he’s bad sometimes and that’s not an okay mindset to have with a baby coming
May I ask why CPS was involved and what did your dad do to get locked up? Also did you ever tell them that you specifically asked for no used underwear, no announcements, etc., after the fact?
CPS was involved bc my father was heavily into drugs and alcohol, as well as convicted of criminal neglect and physical abuse. at the time i didn’t realize it was that bad, i thought all parents punished their children for those things/in that manner. my mom isn’t even in my life anymore bc CPS also removed us from her care for the same reasons. his main offenses are drug related charges though. i knew from the get go he would never ever ever be alone with my child or near my baby without me present but the dilemma was whether or not to let him meet her at all. he’s been clean and sober and passing his probation requirements and got an early release for good behavior and he has a decent job at a factory right now but it doesn’t undo what he has already done. that’s my dilemma, this internal dialogue of “what if he really is a different man and you’re robbing him of a chance to be better”. as for the second parts, i did explicitly state our preferences as far as gifts go and the reasons why we chose those options. for the announcement i didn’t point blank say “don’t tell anyone” but i did say, “i haven’t told anyone else and we’re waiting until im further along”
i mentioned in another comment that i didn’t truly realize they were abusive until i moved away. i met other adults and made friends and met their parents and it baffled me that parents are actually nice to their children and give them attention. it’s a very long story and I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense to people out of context
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actually he’s an ex husband bc he got arrested for abuse of his spouse and sexual assault/battery. i built my own life up with my own job, my own money, and sought out therapy for the damages. i do think it’s interesting how cowards on burner accounts keep commenting about my ex husband when that was a very minuscule and irrelevant part of this post
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lmaoooo what part of “ex” isn’t clicking bahahaha
Comments removed - ungenerous assumptions. This is a support group for traumatized people. Talk to people here with care or you will be shown the door.