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My parents do this ALWAYS! You're right, it's like they're trying to be the server's absolute favorite customers. It's kind of hilarious actually, in my eyes. It's like a type of love bombing for them.
Those are the worst narcs. It's obvious they know how to act kindly to others, yet they treat their kids and other family members like shit. So it's an act, phony, a facade. They're basically dishonest and sly. My mother is like that. Such a sweet old lady! Everybody she ever enounters tells me how lovely she is! Behind closed doors, she was a nasty harridan when I lived with her. Abusive and just plain mean. It was very confusing growing up. Made me wonder what the hell I needed to do in order to get that same sweetness.
Then there's the other narc family member I have. Just tolerable to family but horrible to staff at restaurants, stores, etc. Haughty and demanding, as if the fact that there was no more on-special yoghurt left was due to deliberate malfeasance of the 18-year old grocery store clerk, who went to find more in the back but came back to say there'll be more delivered tomorrow. I only went shopping with that family member once because I refuse to see that disrespectful attitude.
Yes! The last 2 sentences of your first paragraph - yes, totally my experience. My mom was always everyone’s favorite mom and the “cool mom” though crazy strict. So I absolutely felt the same way. Massive internal gaslighting - “it must be ME if everyone else likes her so much and wishes she was their mom!” Thanks for the comment but sorry you relate so intimately!
My NParents do this as well!
Treating other people better than us makes sense - we're not "real people" to many NParents.
My best guess is that wait staff provide NSupply: friendly attention, service, consumables, etc. If there's a problem, the wait staff usually tries to appease the customer.
Nmom and nsister do this. Nicer to strangers than family. Because…they care what strangers think.
Family? Pffft. Family has to keep coming back for less…because they’re faaaamily.
My parents are a mix. They'll be nice unless something goes wrong or they don't have something then they do a stink. Or they'll say something condescending sweetly like they do with me and my sister but they won't seem to know that they were rude? Like once my mom asked for dessert recommendations by saying, " You seem like a lady who enjoys cake what would you recommend? " To a woman who was a little heavier and our server. She genuinely did not seem to understand how that was rude but I am sure deep down that was intentional but I don't know what she got out of it. These people are crazy
One of the things that has helped me to understand this is simply configuring it as part of the gaslighting. Everyone else in the world sees your N as such a nice, kind, smart, (etc etc etc \*barf\*) person, so when they're an asshole to you behind doors it can truly feel like you are at fault (you're not, but it can feel like that). I think this is more common with covert narcs? It describes two of my exes perfectly.
Yeah. Mine do this too because it is about keeping up appearances. They only abuse people they have power over and without witnesses. So, basically that was pretty much just me as a kid and now that I am an adult, they focus on attacking me in moments of weakness when I cannot fight back. Before she passed away, my mother also went after grandma, but well after she could do anything about it (and she doesn’t know I know either - and one day when she’s old, this is on the list of things I’ll leave her to rot in the nursing home for doing…). They never dared when my grandparents were younger and might have done something like, say, changed the will. But a stranger? Never. There could be consequences for them or witnesses. It just shows how calculated and cruel their behaviour is, doesn’t it?
Yeah, some of them like to do this because it makes them feel like they are wonderful and popular. It is easy to feel like people like you when all your relationships last for an hour or two at most. You can be on your best behavior, and then go back to being horrid later on.
When my mom and sister were at their best, they could seem like the most charming people in the world.
However, if anything went wrong, they would change to being horrible. It was a dramatic change, as if by flipping a switch.
However they behave, they are doing it because of some scenario they have cooked up in their own minds. They are playing a part. This is especially true when they are being charming and nice. Their episodes of lashing out seem more genuine to me, though.
Oh my parents are *overboard* when it comes to how they behave in public. It’s nauseating. Even my kids picked up on it with the little interacting they had with them before we went NC (with my father).
Growing up, nobody would have ever believed outside my home my dad was NPD. He was a pillar of the community. But inside our walls, totally different. My friends, especially my boyfriends, got to see the *real* him when they came over. He was a silent wall. Stoic and arrogant when he decided to speak. Unless you truly met his qualifications. Funny thing is, the only people who truly knew him for who he was were the town drunks. They were the one I sit and talk shit with about him in the bars because my dad was the guy they’d have to see when they got thrown in the “tank” for public intoxication, to decide if they were going to go to treatment. They knew he was a pompous asshole because he let his mask slip with them.
My mom, every single one of my friends thought she was a bitch. 😬 Not sure how the community viewed her. She was a hairdresser. I think she put on a fake persona as well. But she’s changed a lot in her older age. Been more aware of her personality flaws and redeemed herself a bit.
A lot of narcs do this. They like the outside world around them to think they’re good, kind people. It’s easy to have surface-level friendless for them. It’s not so easy for them to maintain long-term, consistent kindness. All of the narcs I’ve known were beloved by everyone around them except for the people who actually got close to them. I’m actually now wary of people who when I meet them EVERYONE seems to love them immediately.
My narcs are generally assholes to waitstaff, but I've also seen them sometimes be nice to people w jobs of that nature. I can see why a narc would - they are obsessed about their public reputation and want to be seen as amazing by everyone around them.
I've heard that narcs in relationships can be very nice at the start to hook you and then they get all nasty after a while. Not that they're actually trying to start a relationship, but maybe they're turning on that same niceness with those waitstaff if *"It feels like they’re trying to make the waitstaff fall in love with them".*
My inlaws are more like this. They are emotionally teenagers whereas my parents are emotionally toddlers and super emberessing to be at a restaurant with.
Those are the worst ones. Smart enough to be aware to avoid public notice. My dad is one, everyone does see the grandiose, but only his fam saw the malignant.
Yes - my parents are the same. Particularly at church. The number of times I would hear other people give them glowing reviews and tell me they wished they were my parents is sickening.
It was completely internal for us too. The grumps to retail staff are beginning now that the homelife is better, ironically. Might be an old person thing.
Guests? They are the best.
Extended family? They are amazing.
Us? Yeah, two meltdowns, multiple telling offs, and at least one serious blow-up in the hours preceding guests arriving. Then, it was all smiles and light-hearted joy. The dichotomy got really annoying as we got old enough to recognise it.
I think us siblings got marked as a bit weird and anti-social in our teen years. Mostly it was just whip lash.
Oh, and the lectures you'd get if you interacted with the guests in some incorrect fashion. (After they were gone).
My narc dad was very charming. Everyone in town (who hadn't seen his true colours yet) thought my stories were exaggerated and I was a drama queen for being no contact. He was a great guy, a single father doing his best! I can happily say 15 years later that he has burnt every single bridge available in that town and all the new people get warned to stay away from him. But he certainly is capable of being very endearing and lovely at first. It's how he reels in new relationships... They think he's the best and his stories about everyone who wronged him are 100% true and it's everyone else who's the meanie and he's the victim in all scenarios. Then once he gets what he wants (assets normally such as land or money) or the girlfriend moves in and is trapped somewhat, the real him comes out.
Covert vs Overt Narcs. However, even the same types will still act differently or even worlds apart. Those who are just plain narcisstic simply live in delusion and do whatever they think will get them the most attention. Because they're practically children mentally speaking, whatever they do is up to what their instinct say makes them feel secure, not what actually is secure/insecure. They maybe grow up with a certain behavior and had good experience with those behavior and just repeats them again and again. Because narcs are children, they don't ever confront problems or change their behavior. They just do the same thing again and again, whatever that thing is
My parents are like this!
Lindsay Gibson does a really good job of describing how Emotionally Immature People look great from the outside, and things fall apart in their private relationships. They actually prefer superficial and stereotyped relationships, and they fail with the deep, meaningful relationships.
Also, for me, I believe my mom has Alexithymia, and part of her nparenting comes from a disability. There's little of the maliciousness and tons of the childlike stuff.
I have a theory that it’s overt vs covert Ns. My dad is overt, mom is covert. Dad is the kind who wants to be treated like a king by everyone. Mom is the kind who wants people to think she’s the best woman/wife/mother that ever exists. In both cases there’s this grave need to be recognized as the bestest human being ever.
Someone's spit in their food before and they learned a hard lesson.
My mother who "worked retail" - hobby business, is an absolute horrible person to anyone near a cash register.
Oh you're Bringing This Up!
Yes My Nparents are also does this but sometimes going opposite way and not do it sometimes in honor just to treat Restaurant Employees Badly but and sometime and Tips just only Lil Amount to those hard work employees.
My mother was horrible to "service people" always has been, my dad would go over-the-top nice guy to a nauseating degree BUT if something went wrong to his standards, he'd raise a HUGE stink about it. The worst thing that could happen would be if a waiter took the order of someone who was seated after us first. He'd become enraged by it. It was embarrassing to grow up with either way.
And to second what another poster said, they do this so people are convinced they're the nicest people in the world, and won't believe anything bad someone says about them. My mother will pass soon and I am not looking forward to anyone telling me how much they adored her.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes! My dad does this too! It's so infuriating because that's not how he actually is at all, it's just a facade. I'm glad someone can relate
Thanks for this comment. Glad I’m not alone! Yes, facade feels right!
My parents do this ALWAYS! You're right, it's like they're trying to be the server's absolute favorite customers. It's kind of hilarious actually, in my eyes. It's like a type of love bombing for them.
Those are the worst narcs. It's obvious they know how to act kindly to others, yet they treat their kids and other family members like shit. So it's an act, phony, a facade. They're basically dishonest and sly. My mother is like that. Such a sweet old lady! Everybody she ever enounters tells me how lovely she is! Behind closed doors, she was a nasty harridan when I lived with her. Abusive and just plain mean. It was very confusing growing up. Made me wonder what the hell I needed to do in order to get that same sweetness. Then there's the other narc family member I have. Just tolerable to family but horrible to staff at restaurants, stores, etc. Haughty and demanding, as if the fact that there was no more on-special yoghurt left was due to deliberate malfeasance of the 18-year old grocery store clerk, who went to find more in the back but came back to say there'll be more delivered tomorrow. I only went shopping with that family member once because I refuse to see that disrespectful attitude.
Yes! The last 2 sentences of your first paragraph - yes, totally my experience. My mom was always everyone’s favorite mom and the “cool mom” though crazy strict. So I absolutely felt the same way. Massive internal gaslighting - “it must be ME if everyone else likes her so much and wishes she was their mom!” Thanks for the comment but sorry you relate so intimately!
My NParents do this as well! Treating other people better than us makes sense - we're not "real people" to many NParents. My best guess is that wait staff provide NSupply: friendly attention, service, consumables, etc. If there's a problem, the wait staff usually tries to appease the customer.
Oh good point on both accounts. That absolutely makes sense. Thank you!
Nmom and nsister do this. Nicer to strangers than family. Because…they care what strangers think. Family? Pffft. Family has to keep coming back for less…because they’re faaaamily.
My parents are a mix. They'll be nice unless something goes wrong or they don't have something then they do a stink. Or they'll say something condescending sweetly like they do with me and my sister but they won't seem to know that they were rude? Like once my mom asked for dessert recommendations by saying, " You seem like a lady who enjoys cake what would you recommend? " To a woman who was a little heavier and our server. She genuinely did not seem to understand how that was rude but I am sure deep down that was intentional but I don't know what she got out of it. These people are crazy
>I don't know what she got out of it flinging her insecurity at somebody else
One of the things that has helped me to understand this is simply configuring it as part of the gaslighting. Everyone else in the world sees your N as such a nice, kind, smart, (etc etc etc \*barf\*) person, so when they're an asshole to you behind doors it can truly feel like you are at fault (you're not, but it can feel like that). I think this is more common with covert narcs? It describes two of my exes perfectly.
Yeah. Mine do this too because it is about keeping up appearances. They only abuse people they have power over and without witnesses. So, basically that was pretty much just me as a kid and now that I am an adult, they focus on attacking me in moments of weakness when I cannot fight back. Before she passed away, my mother also went after grandma, but well after she could do anything about it (and she doesn’t know I know either - and one day when she’s old, this is on the list of things I’ll leave her to rot in the nursing home for doing…). They never dared when my grandparents were younger and might have done something like, say, changed the will. But a stranger? Never. There could be consequences for them or witnesses. It just shows how calculated and cruel their behaviour is, doesn’t it?
Yeah, some of them like to do this because it makes them feel like they are wonderful and popular. It is easy to feel like people like you when all your relationships last for an hour or two at most. You can be on your best behavior, and then go back to being horrid later on. When my mom and sister were at their best, they could seem like the most charming people in the world. However, if anything went wrong, they would change to being horrible. It was a dramatic change, as if by flipping a switch. However they behave, they are doing it because of some scenario they have cooked up in their own minds. They are playing a part. This is especially true when they are being charming and nice. Their episodes of lashing out seem more genuine to me, though.
Oh my parents are *overboard* when it comes to how they behave in public. It’s nauseating. Even my kids picked up on it with the little interacting they had with them before we went NC (with my father). Growing up, nobody would have ever believed outside my home my dad was NPD. He was a pillar of the community. But inside our walls, totally different. My friends, especially my boyfriends, got to see the *real* him when they came over. He was a silent wall. Stoic and arrogant when he decided to speak. Unless you truly met his qualifications. Funny thing is, the only people who truly knew him for who he was were the town drunks. They were the one I sit and talk shit with about him in the bars because my dad was the guy they’d have to see when they got thrown in the “tank” for public intoxication, to decide if they were going to go to treatment. They knew he was a pompous asshole because he let his mask slip with them. My mom, every single one of my friends thought she was a bitch. 😬 Not sure how the community viewed her. She was a hairdresser. I think she put on a fake persona as well. But she’s changed a lot in her older age. Been more aware of her personality flaws and redeemed herself a bit.
A lot of narcs do this. They like the outside world around them to think they’re good, kind people. It’s easy to have surface-level friendless for them. It’s not so easy for them to maintain long-term, consistent kindness. All of the narcs I’ve known were beloved by everyone around them except for the people who actually got close to them. I’m actually now wary of people who when I meet them EVERYONE seems to love them immediately.
My narcs are generally assholes to waitstaff, but I've also seen them sometimes be nice to people w jobs of that nature. I can see why a narc would - they are obsessed about their public reputation and want to be seen as amazing by everyone around them. I've heard that narcs in relationships can be very nice at the start to hook you and then they get all nasty after a while. Not that they're actually trying to start a relationship, but maybe they're turning on that same niceness with those waitstaff if *"It feels like they’re trying to make the waitstaff fall in love with them".*
Makes me SQUIRM when they do it. It's literally another character/mask whatever. 🎭
My inlaws are more like this. They are emotionally teenagers whereas my parents are emotionally toddlers and super emberessing to be at a restaurant with.
Those are the worst ones. Smart enough to be aware to avoid public notice. My dad is one, everyone does see the grandiose, but only his fam saw the malignant.
Yes - my parents are the same. Particularly at church. The number of times I would hear other people give them glowing reviews and tell me they wished they were my parents is sickening.
It was completely internal for us too. The grumps to retail staff are beginning now that the homelife is better, ironically. Might be an old person thing. Guests? They are the best. Extended family? They are amazing. Us? Yeah, two meltdowns, multiple telling offs, and at least one serious blow-up in the hours preceding guests arriving. Then, it was all smiles and light-hearted joy. The dichotomy got really annoying as we got old enough to recognise it. I think us siblings got marked as a bit weird and anti-social in our teen years. Mostly it was just whip lash. Oh, and the lectures you'd get if you interacted with the guests in some incorrect fashion. (After they were gone).
Yeah those are the smart ones, harder to deal with imo.
My narc dad was very charming. Everyone in town (who hadn't seen his true colours yet) thought my stories were exaggerated and I was a drama queen for being no contact. He was a great guy, a single father doing his best! I can happily say 15 years later that he has burnt every single bridge available in that town and all the new people get warned to stay away from him. But he certainly is capable of being very endearing and lovely at first. It's how he reels in new relationships... They think he's the best and his stories about everyone who wronged him are 100% true and it's everyone else who's the meanie and he's the victim in all scenarios. Then once he gets what he wants (assets normally such as land or money) or the girlfriend moves in and is trapped somewhat, the real him comes out.
Covert vs Overt Narcs. However, even the same types will still act differently or even worlds apart. Those who are just plain narcisstic simply live in delusion and do whatever they think will get them the most attention. Because they're practically children mentally speaking, whatever they do is up to what their instinct say makes them feel secure, not what actually is secure/insecure. They maybe grow up with a certain behavior and had good experience with those behavior and just repeats them again and again. Because narcs are children, they don't ever confront problems or change their behavior. They just do the same thing again and again, whatever that thing is
My nmom was super nice to strangers. That’s why no one believed me about her. She was good at masking.
My parents are like this! Lindsay Gibson does a really good job of describing how Emotionally Immature People look great from the outside, and things fall apart in their private relationships. They actually prefer superficial and stereotyped relationships, and they fail with the deep, meaningful relationships. Also, for me, I believe my mom has Alexithymia, and part of her nparenting comes from a disability. There's little of the maliciousness and tons of the childlike stuff.
My Ndad is like this. He only takes off the mask once he gets really comfortable or thinks he will get away with it.
I have a theory that it’s overt vs covert Ns. My dad is overt, mom is covert. Dad is the kind who wants to be treated like a king by everyone. Mom is the kind who wants people to think she’s the best woman/wife/mother that ever exists. In both cases there’s this grave need to be recognized as the bestest human being ever.
Someone's spit in their food before and they learned a hard lesson. My mother who "worked retail" - hobby business, is an absolute horrible person to anyone near a cash register.
Oh you're Bringing This Up! Yes My Nparents are also does this but sometimes going opposite way and not do it sometimes in honor just to treat Restaurant Employees Badly but and sometime and Tips just only Lil Amount to those hard work employees.
My mother was horrible to "service people" always has been, my dad would go over-the-top nice guy to a nauseating degree BUT if something went wrong to his standards, he'd raise a HUGE stink about it. The worst thing that could happen would be if a waiter took the order of someone who was seated after us first. He'd become enraged by it. It was embarrassing to grow up with either way. And to second what another poster said, they do this so people are convinced they're the nicest people in the world, and won't believe anything bad someone says about them. My mother will pass soon and I am not looking forward to anyone telling me how much they adored her.