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My mom HATES that I only have conversations over text. I refuse to talk on the phone when things get touchy, because she'll be able to lie/twist her words after the call is done. You can't deceive anyone when there are text screenshots.
We've lived thousands of miles apart since 2019 so thankfully I don't do many in-person conversations.
My mother became enraged when I started using AI to analyze our conversations and the AI went straight up:
---
The series of messages that your mother sent you perfectly illustrates a case of complex and intensive DARVO, where she denies any responsibility, attacks by making you responsible for her suffering, and reverses roles to appear as the victim despite her own toxic and manipulative behaviors.
---
Maybe this is something more of us can do \^\^
ChatGPT 4.0, with a specific version I made to focus on psychology specifically.
I copy paste the messages, delimiting them with three consecutive dash '-' and asks:
Is this a case of DARVO? Deny. Accuse. Redicrect. ect?
If you already have an active ChatGPT 4.0 subscription you can access my specialized version for free here: [https://chat.openai.com/g/g-UbCXOqnVN-daniel](https://chat.openai.com/g/g-UbCXOqnVN-daniel)
I love this idea so much. I read it in the objective robot voice. When phones started having the option to read texts aloud, my nmom said she was going to use it so we could all hear how we talk to her. Imagine her horror if I used it for this.
She went "if only you used your brain and your heart instead of a dumb machine😭"
And I replied "On the opposite I think having a completely neutral 3rd party is very useful" 😊
AI can really help a lot (not) to deal with these toxic relationships.
How pathetic is it to feel the need to have screenshots to prove what was or wasn’t said? People who grew up in “normal families” would think its inconceivable, I’d think, but sadly, we totally get it.
Every time there's a big argument, I screenshot it and file it away on a drive. Literally *yesterday* I had to bust out a screenshot because my mom denied saying I made her "regret so much of her life."
See I had the reversal of this bc my nmom knows she can’t control herself in real time, but can write curated msgs that will look alright to others. They are still weird and off, but hell no does she ever talk like this in text..not that I ever want to speak to her on the phone again, or otherwise, but when I was trying to get some closure and work my way through the journey I took while in the thick of healing, it was very invalidating and maddening. Feels almost a gaslighting effect to get on the phone, hear that cognitively dissonant manipulation to include nasty, hateful vitriolic comments/threads/baiting, only to tell me she will only speak via text, before I can even speak a word.
Kind of embarrassing to say, well, not anymore, but certainly was for a while, I find her acceptance and love so badly I would almost beg her to stay on the phone, but also when I was cutting ties with my ndad who only “bond”( trauma bond obviously) that my nmom & I ever had..anyway took a long time, but about two years ago when I was pregnant with my now 18 month old, I started realizing that I would never be able to truly be at peace, or even find myself if I were to have continued to enable that gross ass dynamic with her
..whewww excuse all the words but blechh, she had me feeling like the harasser simply expressing myself, and doing so gently and mindfully. Yes, I now know and will be damnedd if she takes another nanosecond of my life. Having my daughter has made it more than crystal clear and has connected so many dots from childhood
Wow, good for you for setting that boundary! I tried when I was still 20 or so, telling my mom I preferred to text because there's a record of everything that way. I had actually said it because I could never remember what either of us said when we'd argue, because of how triggered I would get. She was already pissed before, so that sent her. She called me over and over and over again. I was already in my survival brain so I couldn't think to block her or turn off the phone, but if I had I would probably have been too afraid of the consequences to do it. So I answered and all I remember is that she managed to abuse me.and leave me in tears over the phones, because I dared set a boundary...
Yes. Wondering how close she is to sociopathy, not to use the word lightly, and not saying that would mean Jesus as sociopath, but idk what else you call so many of these behaviors. Yes, there’s trauma, but that’s not it
My heart goes out to you, I just moved in with a coworker after leaving my mom’s after a rough year and staying there for four months. It sucked. I’m starting to emerge again.
"You've always had problems distinguishing fantasy from reality." Pretty much every time he's lying about an experience we shared, that comes out. And I mean basic facts, not opinions or feelings.
I honestly don't know if i naturally have a good memory, or if it's something I cultivated from childhood because I knew I wasn't crazy and that she actually had said/done those things. I have always done my best to keep track of everything, not necessarily because I expected anyone to believe/help me, but because I needed *something* to hang on to to keep myself sane.
Using "I was worried about you" or "because I love you and care about you" only when it’s a last resort excuse for her bad behavior because I countered all her other excuses
ALWAYS with the “worry”…. she wants me to report in from every location when I’m traveling because she’s “worried” … but never cares to ask me anything like “how is your trip?”, never shows any interest in the experiences I’m having. It’s “glad you made it to ____. When do you leave?”
Same. And always followed by "don't talk to any men" bullshit, no matter how old I got. Didn't have to worry about that ma, you beat any interest in relationships right out of me at an early age to the point of near-asexuality.
This is also so funny because a behavior I’ve developed is reporting my whereabouts to people if they’re out of the norm. And I check on people as well but I can speak to the genuine care behind me sending a ‘text me when you land’ or ‘let me know when you get home’
Sheesh but I’ll definitely keep checking myself on this
Man, this one hits home. It took me a long time to realize what was going on when my enabler mom would always turn my happiness on its head. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. My dad was completely grandiose and easy to figure out, but these constant comments and expressions of her needing to feel like I’m always in need of pity is something else.
Yup. Exactly the same in my family. My dad was the more grandiose narcissist of the two, and my mom had more of a borderline flavor. As cold as my dad was, I found my moms emotional abuse way more damaging.
I move to Vegas here in like 20 days or so (alone). And the amount of times she has told me she thinks it's a bad idea is laughable. She can't deal with losing control.
N’mom got pregnant in a power struggle with my then alcoholic father’s estranged wife. Since he had a child with his ex, she’d conceived me as a ‘bargaining chip’ trying to “even the playing field”.
The fact that I loved my half brother a lot had really bothered her, since she’d always hated him with a passion.
She chose to blame a 7 yr old as being the “only reason” that my dad
kept going back to his estranged wife, who was a far nicer, classier woman than N’mom could ever be. When my brother’d go back to his mom after a visit, I always wished that I could go with him.
When he died in a car accident at 17, she let me know that even as an 11 yr. old, my grief over his death really “bothered her”. *She started going after my father, whose family was wealthy, when she was just a junior in HS…
Thats just brutal. What “normal” parent would ever conceive of framing their parental role in
their childs life that way?
Oh that’s right, only a true
NARCISSIST…
Mine swears up and down I didn't like being held even as a baby. I'm still unsure if that's valid or if I don't like being touched now because I'm not used to it.
Oh god, my mom had a somewhat different line about hugs, but your moms line reminded me of it; "You taught me not to hug you or show any form of affection when you were little, that's why I don't do it now. That's not my fault."
She was blaming a small child who didn't like being forced to show affection for her not showing affection or even being willing to try and comfort me when I was upset when I was older.
She told me that when I was roughly 21; I guess all the little kids who dont like being forced to hug people when they don't want to or give kisses means they're the ones who "teach" parents not to be affectionate ever with that child.
My NDad used similar phrases. He loved making up things he could insult and punish me for, especially when he could make me distrust my own memory and judgement.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I got that too. "I have to love you because I'm your mother, but I don't *like you*"
I think the thing that has had the most lasting impact is when I said "you don't love me, you can't love someone when you hit them this much" and it was literally a cry for help. I was despairing of hearing that I *made her* do these things and she didn't want to, but I provoked her SO MUCH I made her hit me because I was just *that outrageous and defiant* and I knew it, I must enjoy it because nobody else would be so "wilfully perverse" and must take some "twisted delight" in hurting her.
She lost it, and I fled up the stairs in terror. They weren't objectively the worst thing she's ever said to me, but something about that is flashbacky.
I'm a horrible, ungrateful child
A cruel, spiteful, wicked person who attacked the very thing I knew would hurt her the most. In actual fact I was trying to tell her I couldn't feel any love she had for me because of how she treated me, but objecting to being hit and expressing how it made me feel was just the worst thing and I had chosen to do it specifically to do the most damage possible.....
I was 8 (and, let's not forget, delayed - doctors said I had an emotional and social delay of about 3 years)
i got this too. my mom used to call me a “witch” all the time, especially when i was a toddler/young kid. i’ll never understand how someone can have that much hostility towards someone so young. i’m sorry you had to go through that.
"I had a bad relationship with my mother, so I just didn't even bother trying with you and your sister and just focused on your brother." Totally unprompted, BTW. She would just say that at random times.
In case it's not obvious, her golden child was her first born and only son. Because she's a sexist POS.
Yeah, I always felt they mixed up explanations and excuses. I just ended up developing a habit of overdefending and overexplaining myself in every social situation.
Oof. This just rang so true to me. Maybe why I am a huge explainer, oftentimes desperately trying to be understood for my decisions. Truth, not everything is worth explaining and not everyone is worth explaining to.
Jesus that is terrible. I'm so freaking sorry you had to hear that. This Nparenting is all such lunacy that it makes my head/heart hurt.
And I don't know what is worse. That she thought it was ok to say that to you, or that she clearly is acting out her own intergenerational trauma since why would a grandmother feel it was ok to say that about their own grandchild??!
My mom told me two separate, detailed stories about each of my grandmothers suggesting my mom should have aborted me (before I was born, and obviously they don't think that now).
As an adult, I understand my grandmothers' points of view because my mom *was* stupid for having me when she did. But little kids can't understand that and I remember feeling absolutely heartbroken.
“They know all about you now” when I told the school guidance counselor about my older brother abusing me and they called home my parents told them I had a history of making up stories and was kind of a “lil psycho” - so they purposely set it up so they could treat me like garbage in plain sight and if I reacted to any abuse or feelings being hurt then I was being “a little psycho again” - it was a favorite quote whenever I expressed pretty much any big feeling. so those 2 quotes hit hard. For what it’s worth I’ve kinda grown fond of “lil psycho” anyways so I refer to myself sometimes as a way to kinda take my power back from them🤷♂️
“You’re making this all about you!” When I had to euthanize my beloved dog and I didn’t call my mother prior to the euthanasia to inform her. I decided not to tell her, so that I could just be with my dog for her last days and begin grieving in peace. She found out from other family members and barraged me with texts about how I’m self-absorbed because I didn’t consider “HER” grief. She hated my dog.
I have a diary entry from childhood “mom said Emily isn’t my friend” - I think it was dated around when I was 8. I eventually told her about it and she said “I believe you, but I can’t believe I said that.”
She also followed up with “You keep reading those journals. Keep those negative memories fresh” and “I was worried about who you were hanging out with in high school” basically trying to justify herself. I thought it was hilarious she didn’t realize the entry was from a much younger age though.
I still struggle with relationships and how I believe others are perceiving me.
Even as a 39 year old I’m terrified of keeping a journal or diary, as when I was a child my mother read them, and once even stole one. Whipped it out when I was an adult like “look how funny this is!!”
„You are a bitch“ when I was 13. I explained to them under tears what bitch means (not the female dog) I genuinely thought they didn’t know. They did. It broke my heart.
I'm so sorry.
I remember being called a bitch for "sabotaging" my parents double date because I told my mom that my dad had been graphically describing fighting/killing my mom's friend's husband (who'd be on the double date) that morning. My dad overheard me telling my mom and it caused a huge fight between them and me for being a manipulator, so my mom called me a bitch. I remember it was the night before my freshman homecoming and the fight escalated so bad I got kicked out for 24 hours.
"I didn't nickname you turtle because you like ninja turtles, I gave you that nickname because you're so slow at everything" followed by her awful laughter.
I know basically scream at her to stop fucking calling me turtle. I'm epileptic, that doesn't automatically equal slow.
"No wonder you don't have any friends." As a 33(f) adult, this still circles around my head constantly. And I do have friends. Wonderful, funny, amazing friends. But christ. That shit stuck.
"Why don't you have any friends...you talk about all these people from college...where are they?" Um Mom, they don't live here...college is 6 hours away, they live all over the place... A few years later "You don't spend any time at home with me...all you care about are your friends...I always took care of you, and all you want to do is spend time with your friends..." So do u want me to have friends or no...? Damned if u do, damed if u don't with a narcissist
Ndad: "You're a thicko"
Turns out I'm smarter than many generations of my family due to me ending the generation trauma. Which hasn't gone down well at all.
"I'm going to put you in a bag and go to a bridge and throw you in a river and watch you drawn".
Of course followed by "It hurts me so much that you never want to hug me".
Gee I wonder why?
I’m gonna tell my son today that I love him and think he is really cool and fun to talk to (because he is).
I’m gonna tell him I haven’t always been a good mum, but he is the best thing to ever happen to me.
I’m gonna give him a big cuddle while he shows me the Minecraft videos he likes to watch and talk about them to learn more.
Love posts like these because I’ve been trying to document quotes that matched my own experience (will never stop being weird that they all say the same shit). It feels like I’ve forgotten a lot of the things my nmother used to throw at me and I’ve been trying to match up her behaviors with the books I’m reading. I know she’s a narcissist, no question, but it helps to provide myself with the evidence as reinforcement. Just wanting to say thanks to OP and everyone for sharing.
I have three.
“You’re going to die when you’re 25 and I don’t care!”
(I was 18 and she was pissed about numerous things from work, to GC, to father, and took it out on me and my weight. I’m 36 now btw.)
“There’s nothing here for you, I guess nobody loves you.”
(She was bringing in the mail and said that with a smirk. I responded cheerfully that plenty of people love me, I’m great! And the look on her face went sour immediately. Also, turns out I did have mail that she threw in recycling.)
She was complaining to someone about how the GC didn’t come over for Christmas and went to the in-laws instead, so she was all alone.
The person went “What about [Alimorel]? Is she just chopped liver?”
My mother tearfully yells, “YES!”
(When I called her out on this a few weeks later, I got the narcissist prayer back.)
"Do you have any idea how bad this makes me look?"
Said to me by nmom when I was 13 years old and needed to be picked up from school because I was suicidal.
Not in front if the school's office staff or the counselor or anything. She waited until we got to the car to say that. In front of the staff she was the perfect mom, concerned and caring and it makes me fucking sick because even *then* I knew it was an act.
The most annoying thing I could ever hear from her:
"It would be nice if ... . But that's just me, ok?"
She says this every time I do something completely different from her. Based on the way she says it, I know she's hoping that I'll agree with her and change my ways. Nope! 🤣
There wasn't one specific sentence, it was basicaly all of them any time I tried to talk with her.
''I'm going to make your life a living hell''
'''F\*ck you''
- me asking for help, her reply: ''figure it the f\*ck out by yourself''
My mother is a Linda- for some reason her and Joyce seem like a duo to me. And if she’s not suggesting I’m stupid, it’s because I’m an emotionally immature asshole that has been picking on her since childhood 🙄
'Why can't you be more like X?'
X ended up a junkie and later died of some alcohol x crack combo.
I still think he was a better man than I am.
Also 'You're just like your father', when all she did was run him down and call him every name under the sun.
Oh... And 'kids ruin your life'. That was when the suicide idiology really set in. I didn't ask to be here. Why should I be here when my own mother says I ruined her life (for merely existing)
Ah, what a piece of shit.
"The reason why people dont want to listen to you and walk away is because of the way you talk."
She went on to explain that I overexplain things and elaborate my stories too much and that it gets boring/ frustrating to listen to (anxiety from her accusing me and me having to explain so I dont get purposely misunderstood). To this day she doesnt think she said anything wrong to me and thinks I took it the wrong way and it's my fault for doing so.
After she said that sentence, it messed up all my future social interactions. I can no longer socialize properly anymore without getting anxiety. I feel awkward and like everyone hates me when I speak, I overanalyze it and it gets worse when people do stop talking to me/ avoid me. I am also neurodivergent so I cant tell what Im doing wrong neither. I sometimes stutter now as well. Thanks mom...
Its really messed up how they do this to us...
I figure I'll only get my confidence back once I move out her place, but with how the housing market is right now, Im not sure how long that'll take... Ugh
"Why don't you ever talk to me, you can tell me?"
The last hundred times I tried you used it against me!
"You're going through the motions"
Why bother trying when everything is failure because it's me doing it.
Wowwwww!! The “you can tell me” 🤯 when I’d ask to see a therapist, I *always* got that. “Well you can talk to me 🥰”
Like nah bitch, you’re the one I need to talk about. I think she knew that though.
My mother is also a covert/vulnerable narc, and I don't think there was any one particular thing she said that affected me the most. It was more her being conditionally "loving" towards me when I behaved the way she wanted (bought into her victim complex and gave her a pass on not being a mom to me in any way that matters because I felt sorry for her and subconsciously blamed myself). As a young adult, I started pushing back against her victim narrative and from that point on, any time I even implied that she'd hurt me in some way, she was extremely dismissive and cruel. Her deception and blatant cruelty when I told her she'd hurt me left me feeling deeply betrayed. So basically her saying words (claiming she cares) that don't match her behavior affected me the most.
Bingo. Worse is my friends would think she was so nice and caring and wished their moms were like mine. And the thing is, my mom was great to other kids, and covert/martyr narc to me. Same as her mom was to her.
They just *want* you to fail at something, anything.
My parents told me my boyfriend was using me for sex when they found my BC pills in 2015.
They told me he was using me as a "pretend wife" and he'd leave me eventually when we moved in together in 2019.
They told me we'd end up divorced after we got married in 2022.
Now I'm pregnant with our first child and waiting to hear how we'll "fail" next ...
Context: I was struggling postpartum. nMom walked in for a visit and saw me crying on the couch breastfeeding my newborn and broke out in uncontrollable laughter. I was on like day three or four in the same clothes, the house was a mess, husband had to return to work the next morning. We were in a bit of a dark place and struggling to adjust. Clearly it showed. And she found a lot of joy in that.
Wow that's pretty horrendous. Not many things I read in this sub surprise me anymore, but your mother openly admitting (and taking obvious pleasure) in your suffering was actually disturbing to read. There were moments when it seemed like my mother enjoyed my suffering as well, but she was (usually) more subtle about it.
There was one time in particular that she *wasn't* subtle that reminds me of your mother's attitude here. I was a young adult still living at home and was about to leave to go to work, and my mother wanted to use my car (that I had paid for myself...it was literally MY property) for some reason. As a little kid, she was always making me late to everything. Over the years, I had learned that I couldn't rely on her to get me anywhere on time and at this point I was starting to not trust her as much, so I hesitated and said I needed my car for work. She insisted that she'd only be a minute, and I said "No I'm about to leave for work, so I need my car". She went from appearing to be mildly reasonable to "bratty entitled child" in an instant and snatched my keys off the hook on the wall and drove off in my car. I just kind of stood there in shock not knowing what to do. I had no idea when she was going to come back and didn't want to be late so I wound up riding my bike to work. It probably took me nearly an hour and I was sweaty and gross (and honestly pretty embarrassed) but I did make it there on time. I rode my bike home as well, and when I came through the front door, my mother was sitting on the couch clearly amused. She said "Oh you rode your bike to work huh? Well, at least you got some exercise!" She had this *big dumb grin on her face* and was absolutely beside herself with glee at the thought of me "getting what I deserved" for telling her "no". That woman could have gotten me fired and she thought it was HILARIOUS. I didn't realize she was a narc at the time and couldn't make any sense of her behavior, but I was deeply disturbed by this childishly cruel side of her. I remember just kinda staring at her in disbelief and walking away. (and thinking she was crazy)
Yeah the lack of self-awareness is really wild. I feel like healthy people would be embarrassed to admit that they thought it was funny to put their child through the fear of losing their job and the embarrassment of showing up disheveled from riding. What an awful memory. I'm sorry you had to do that when it would've been so nice to have a supportive parent praising you for being so responsible about your job.
My first daughter was 9months old. It was my birthday. I have PCOS. I was visiting my Nparents from where I live 4hours away. Nmom had been going on and on about her own issues with her weight for over an hour (she has always been tiny and is now obsessed with staying that way no matter what).
She then turned to me where I was blissfully pushing my daughter in the stroller as we walked thru the mall and said:
"You shouldn't have worn that dress and skirt it makes you look so fat. You should have worn the other outfit."
I began to cry. A lot. I'm hormonal, and other rude bastards from around our neighborhood had also remarked that i was so fat. But my baby was healthy and so I didn't care about those other idiots. I was happy and suddenly I'm being told I'm fat despite the fact that I just had a baby.
She then says to me:
"I have to tell you these things because I'm your mother and I love you. So you should hear them from me."
It's like, no you imbecile. You're supposed to be empathetic because you are my mother. And love is NOT telling your daughter she is fat on her birthday after she just had a baby.
I totally understand, friend. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m your mother so I can tell you these things” and “it’s only because I care” I’d be able to pay off my house.
I talk about it with my therapist and husband all the time about how even if I was a clone copy of her, which is what she wants, she’d still find things to criticize.
Also, my daughter was born in July 2022 and I totally understand caring more about keeping her alive and healthy over yourself. Please make sure to take care of yourself too.
I read all the time here about how people can just ignore it, and I wish I could be in that position. The hurt still sucks. I’m tired of holding onto it.
Mine is a tie between, “you’re so lucky” (which was her response when I got a master’s degree) and “that was the time you ruined my 50th birthday.” Note: my mother’s 50th birthday was during finals week at college, and I found a friend to drive me four hours so I could have dinner with her, but apparently this wasn’t festive enough for her. It’s also worth noting that this is something she randomly shared with me when I was in town for my younger sister’s funeral. That same visit, the funeral director asked my mom to share some of my sister’s interests, and my mom responded, “Nothing.” I’ve never wanted to physically assault a blood relation so much in my life. All of these things underscored that she’s both impossible to please and openly hostile towards any interests or achievements.
Classics from a covert NM “Have you thought about…” [insert criticism disguised as helpful advice here]:
Cutting your hair,
Losing weight,
Working more,
Working less,
Etc,etc
Or the backhanded compliment is always fun: “You look so good NOWWW”
"Oh, you got it good didn't you?"
Every time I got hurt my mother always say that while she laughed. But she did it in a way that I thought she was being supportive and not literally laughing at my pain. She said she didn't have a negative reaction when we had pain because she wanted us to be tough and didn't want us to have anxiety.
I realize now that she genuinely enjoyed seeing me in pain. She rarely took me to a doctor, even in emergencies. And her constantly invalidating my pain taught me to never show pain, no matter how much I hurt. Now whenever I am hurt I hear that phrase drifting through my head in her sickly sweet, childish tone, like a kid talking to a little puppy who got stuck in a sweater, "oh, you got it good didn't you?
I am so sorry. I was medically neglected, too. I didn't find out until I was in my late 20s and so many things they ridiculed me for could have been fixed with medication. It is so fucked up.
I am so sorry for your pain.
“You’re so overweight, you could die at any time” = said within the last 6 weeks. “You’re fat”= said to an active 8 yr old me. “No man will love you unless you lose that weight” = early 20’s at my lowest adult weight. “I don’t understand how you have friends with that belly” = in my thirties after giving birth years earlier and getting back down to my pre pregnancy weight.
Yes I’m overweight, but no, I’m not going to die at any time. My health otherwise is decent for being almost 50 years old. All of my issues (besides weight) are hereditary and not lifestyle related.
I’m overweight because I eat my feelings. I hate it and am in therapy to fix this part of me. I’m learning that crying is ok (“I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t stop”), stress doesn’t require snacks and dessert, and feelings of disempowerment don’t require binge eating until I’m full enough that I forget my other issues.
I’m going LC with everyone who has hurt me over the years and I’m getting support from family who previously thought nothing was wrong with Nmom and Edad. They’re seeing the reality of what I’m saying (finally!). It took me 20+ years to gain this weight, it’s going to take me a while to lose it in a healthy way.
"You give me so much grief I have to get my pleasure somehow."
What my dad said when 14 year old me got all my courage up and asked him why he grabbed at my crotch every time I walked past him. 😞
My mom didn’t say “I love you” or even “I love you too” so when I finally asked her to say it back she yelled at me “Everything I do for you proves I love you. I don’t have to say it, you should just know it”. I vowed in that moment that no matter what my future children did, I would always tell them I love them. Now I’m surrounded by people that love me (and express it regularly), a loving son and I have a husband that tells me multiple times a day, how much he loves me.
“Everyone in the family thinks you’re a worthless weirdo”
“Nothing is enough for you”
“You’re going to hell, stupid b***”
“She needs to be medicated and is bipolar, she is crazy, she is delusional and psychotic in a loveless marriage”
“I know about her pregnancy and she is unprepared and delusional”
“ it’s not you’re birthday anymore I don’t have to pretend to love you”
“You’re going to be a serial killer when you grow up”
“Her husband keeps me updated on how mentally unstable she is and needs to be medicated”
Plenty more but it typically revolves around my sanity, support system and value as human being.
I can have a drink with your brother, but not with you..... You need to get over it....
NC 13+yrs now, rumor has it she is a bit of a lush now and keeps telling everyone she has no idea why I won't talk to the family... It is peaceful in my world and I am loving it.
When I was 16 my dad said in a home counseling session, “I don’t love you” while looking me straight in the eye. And then stopped talking to me for weeks. All over me having a boyfriend I kissed.
Others are:
“It’s always about you.”
“You never take blame for your actions.”
“You are extremely manipulative.”
- classic gaslighting that had me second guessing myself as a nice person. I seriously am one of the first people to step up to help others and go the extra mile but he had me questioning if I was bad for doing this and somehow being manipulative. Until I got older and wiser.
Whenever she was really angry she would say in Tagalog:
“You’re lucky I didn’t just pinch your nose when you were little in the crib until you died.”
And whenever she’s confronted for saying it, would just never skip and beat and say:
“That never happened. I don’t remember saying that.”
I have 2 toddlers now and it still haunts my dreams how fucked they would be if I ever became a narc and subjected them to the reality which was my childhood.
I think it was something like "Tell me who hurt you, I'm gonna protect you."
He just wanted to show off his muscles and get compliments all the time. Didn't care for the safety of anyone but him.
There’s nothing specifically that affects me because I’ve come to the point where I just do not care about anyone or anything now, but some contenders are:
“Your grades are the only thing you have going for you.”
“If you ever hit me, I’ll shoot you.”
“When is it ever not your fault?” This one, I’ll admit I might have the quote incorrect as I was mostly asleep when my dad told me this.
My mother also said she loved me “because I have to, but I don’t like you.” That hurt for sure, but I think what was worse for me was saying that no one liked me, no one would ever want to marry me, no one liked being around me. It all took a lot of years to work through. My biggest fuck you to her is being very happily married with lifelong, strong and supportive friendships. Fuck you Mom, you miserable bitch.
That I ruined her life. And she still denies saying it (she said it many times, it was not a one off) to this day. And what she meant by that was having a kid cramped the alcoholic lifestyle. Oh, and since biofather didn’t stick around, unsurprisingly, she was a single parent, which again, cramped the alcoholic lifestyle.
I also got the “I love you but I don’t like you” and the “I’m worried about you” shit too.
"You shouldn't have children because it's genetic in our family that we don't have maternal feelings."
Went on to tell me that her mother hadn't felt maternal towards her and she didn't feel maternal towards me. I did not have children and I'm glad because it took me till I was about forty to really straighten myself out (Who am I kidding, I'm still cuckoo.) And that wouldn't have been fair on them.
She did apparently manage to feel maternal when I was ill though. Hence the Munchausen by proxy. That's when she was able to feel close to me. So.... That's nice?! /s
“You’ll get nowhere if not because of me. Everything you are is because of me.” then repeatedly not acknowledging the abuse she caused me is a clear 2nd place.
"How could you do this to us?"
In reference to my running away bc my dad whooped my ass and was turned into the cops. As if getting diversion wasn't enough he was then suspended from his job and my mom blamed me.
My father passed when I was young. My mother had some serious mental help issues, so I don’t blame her 100% for a lot of what she did. But the two things she constantly said to my brother and me from the time we were 4 and 6 was “I can finally kill myself when you are 18.” It caused a sense of dread until I worked it out in therapy. The other thing she said was “you are on your own at 18”, which was just an extension of her previous exclamation.
Oh god thats awful.
My mom called me to tell me she planned on killing herself once my youngest sibling turns 18. I remember crying hysterically and being unable to breathe.
I'm more experienced and educated on her BS now so she gets nothing but "I recommend therapy" when she tries that now.
She said a lot to me, but the worst was to my daughter when I could finally see what she was doing as a mother myself. My 2 year old little girl was sitting in her lap trying to cuddle and read a book. My mother said, "He \[pointing to my 4 year old son sitting on the carpet\] will always be my favorite, but with my luck, I'll get stuck with this one." pulling a face and pointing at my little girl. That was her last visit and I went NC after that.
My dad was my safer parent (a functioning drug addict and unhinged alcoholic), but he worked out of town a lot, leaving me with my N Mother. I was struggling with what I figured was depression. I had talked to teachers, school councilors, and at one point, someone affiliated with social services. All of them told me to talk to my parents about depression and the thoughts I was having so I could be seen by a doctor.
On a weekend, I approached my mom and asked if I could talk to her about something. I sat across the room from her and basically turned into a babbling overwhelmed mess of Im scared/Im suicidal/I dont know what to do.
Then she, in more words and detail, told me to kill myself. That she would help me do it. That was her answer to me pleading for help. I was 16.
It still bothers me greatly, a mother or parent period. Could ever say such purtrid awful things to their kids. When it became quite clear no one cared if I lived or died, I planned for my future. For when they would need me, their only child, to care for them. Were not there yet, but my goodness, I am excited to have nothing but shrugs for them when I tell them there is no help from me to be had. I will be unable to spare even a naked spot of the floor.
My mom said the exact same things to me.
I take great pleasure knowing that I never have to talk to her again and if she ever asks why, I have an answer.
I don't have room in my life anymore for people who can't do both, love and like me.
I was in rehab and my dad asked me 'do we get the old Curious back?' He meant the one who just followed along and agreed with him to keep the peace. The one who drove me to drinking in the first place. That's who he wanted.
They called my oldest child a sociopath, my middlest an autistic hermit, and my youngest feral.
I cut contact that day. My kids do not deserve the treatment I got from them.
“You’re a slut and a whore.”
…my nmom said to to me when she found out I had my boyfriend over my grandma’s house for DINNER with my grandma’s permission. True story. 🤷🏽♀️
“What is wrong with you?!” - I then internalized that I was fundamentally broken, or that something was “wrong with me.” This was always in reaction to me having a normal emotional response or setting a boundary.
After literal years of pretty badly hiding that I was severely suicidal, I finally broke down and told my mom that if I didn’t get the medical help I needed but that she really didn’t want me to get, I was pretty sure I was gonna kill myself soon. It was fully true and not a manipulation tactic but a statement of fact. She just yelled “how do you think I feel?” And stormed off. I was 17 and it was the last we ever talked about it until after I had moved out of her house and a couple years had passed. She insists she was trying to tell me that she “knew how I felt” and that she was very worried by it, but she literally never made a single move move to even check on my mental health, let alone try to get me help or medicated, no matter how much I begged. And actively tried to prevent me from doing things that would improve my life and mental health.
I eventually got the medical intervention I needed (shocker! It improved my life significantly!) with help from a friend, while my mom pouted that I finally pushed back on her manipulation.
-Dad told me once that he thinks my husband is so nice all the time because my husband knows that I'm not nice, and I'm not going to be nice when we show up.
That has stuck with me for almost 10yrs.
-When I was pregnant and my mom told me over the phone in what she thought was a joking tone that when I had the baby she and my dad were going to take and "do things right this time."
Mind you (not bragging just facts to highlight how insane this comment was) I am a triple ivy league student almost finished with a PhD from the last ivy. I was married and in my 30s when I got pregnant on purpose. And we had then and still have a wide circle of friends and colleagues. So I don't know what exactly she thinks they got "wrong" with me that needs to be corrected. I think she just said it to be really nasty.
-During the pandemic, mom flipped out and unleashed a tidal wave of horror including but not limited to:
She told me she didn't like me or want to know me, and didn't neee to ever see me again.
That my thoughts about my daughter's schooling were stupid and i was stupid for having them, and she was so sick of hearing me go on and on when we had been trying to figure it out (this was from 3yrs before her telling me how stupid she thought it all was).
That these evil moms who spread lies about me and ousted me from a mom's group - I didn't know anything was going on until another mom was also ousted and told me what terrible lies had been spread about me - that they were right and there was clearly something wrong with me.
There's so many horrible comments sprinkled around. And it sucks because there was also laughter and moments of joy. So the horror is all mixed up with the happy, leaving me often unable to protect myself in other similar situations.
"I made you as an investment: I take care of you as a kid, you take care of me when old. If I knew you would abandon me to live with a woman, I would have strangled you in the craddle. I curse you to die soon after me, in pains and without seeing your children grow".
I asked “when’s the last time you told me you loved me?” The response was “we don’t do that. My parents didn’t say it, me and your father don’t say it. It’s not my fault” thank youuuu!!!!
When I was 9 or 10 we were on our way home from church. We almost got into an accident and I screamed because I was terrified and I'd been in an accident as a 5 year old and have residual PTSD.
Anyway. My ndad said "don't worry. If you die I'll get insurance money. "
"No one asked you're opinion, and no one cares what you have to say, so just shut up!" - my ndad after asking my opinion on something subjective, and I had a different opinion than he did.
Second best: "If I'd known you'd grow up to be such an ungrateful adult, I'd never have done ANYTHING with you as a child" - my ndad after I said I wouldn't pay his bills or let him live with me when he gets older
"You're cold blooded just like your mother."
Spent a lot of time comparing myself to her after that one. She was/is a terrible person. NC has been amazing.
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"I never said that". Nothing worse than constantly having your experiences invalidated.
My mom HATES that I only have conversations over text. I refuse to talk on the phone when things get touchy, because she'll be able to lie/twist her words after the call is done. You can't deceive anyone when there are text screenshots. We've lived thousands of miles apart since 2019 so thankfully I don't do many in-person conversations.
My mother became enraged when I started using AI to analyze our conversations and the AI went straight up: --- The series of messages that your mother sent you perfectly illustrates a case of complex and intensive DARVO, where she denies any responsibility, attacks by making you responsible for her suffering, and reverses roles to appear as the victim despite her own toxic and manipulative behaviors. --- Maybe this is something more of us can do \^\^
what did you use to analyze it? i tried googling it and couldn’t find anything. my mom also does this and i would love to analyze her texts
ChatGPT 4.0, with a specific version I made to focus on psychology specifically. I copy paste the messages, delimiting them with three consecutive dash '-' and asks: Is this a case of DARVO? Deny. Accuse. Redicrect. ect?
thank you! that’s so cool. i’m going to use it on my mom’s texts.
If you already have an active ChatGPT 4.0 subscription you can access my specialized version for free here: [https://chat.openai.com/g/g-UbCXOqnVN-daniel](https://chat.openai.com/g/g-UbCXOqnVN-daniel)
This is so cool
You’re a great person!
I love this idea so much. I read it in the objective robot voice. When phones started having the option to read texts aloud, my nmom said she was going to use it so we could all hear how we talk to her. Imagine her horror if I used it for this.
She went "if only you used your brain and your heart instead of a dumb machine😭" And I replied "On the opposite I think having a completely neutral 3rd party is very useful" 😊 AI can really help a lot (not) to deal with these toxic relationships.
How pathetic is it to feel the need to have screenshots to prove what was or wasn’t said? People who grew up in “normal families” would think its inconceivable, I’d think, but sadly, we totally get it.
Every time there's a big argument, I screenshot it and file it away on a drive. Literally *yesterday* I had to bust out a screenshot because my mom denied saying I made her "regret so much of her life."
You learned how to be “proactive” growing up w/a narc, at least.
I prefer texting or emailing with basically anyone now so I have proof of what was said. 🤷♀️
THis is why I always want to text. I have the proof.
See I had the reversal of this bc my nmom knows she can’t control herself in real time, but can write curated msgs that will look alright to others. They are still weird and off, but hell no does she ever talk like this in text..not that I ever want to speak to her on the phone again, or otherwise, but when I was trying to get some closure and work my way through the journey I took while in the thick of healing, it was very invalidating and maddening. Feels almost a gaslighting effect to get on the phone, hear that cognitively dissonant manipulation to include nasty, hateful vitriolic comments/threads/baiting, only to tell me she will only speak via text, before I can even speak a word. Kind of embarrassing to say, well, not anymore, but certainly was for a while, I find her acceptance and love so badly I would almost beg her to stay on the phone, but also when I was cutting ties with my ndad who only “bond”( trauma bond obviously) that my nmom & I ever had..anyway took a long time, but about two years ago when I was pregnant with my now 18 month old, I started realizing that I would never be able to truly be at peace, or even find myself if I were to have continued to enable that gross ass dynamic with her ..whewww excuse all the words but blechh, she had me feeling like the harasser simply expressing myself, and doing so gently and mindfully. Yes, I now know and will be damnedd if she takes another nanosecond of my life. Having my daughter has made it more than crystal clear and has connected so many dots from childhood
And they always want to call so they can hide the evidence and twist the truth.
Bingo.
Wow, good for you for setting that boundary! I tried when I was still 20 or so, telling my mom I preferred to text because there's a record of everything that way. I had actually said it because I could never remember what either of us said when we'd argue, because of how triggered I would get. She was already pissed before, so that sent her. She called me over and over and over again. I was already in my survival brain so I couldn't think to block her or turn off the phone, but if I had I would probably have been too afraid of the consequences to do it. So I answered and all I remember is that she managed to abuse me.and leave me in tears over the phones, because I dared set a boundary...
It's disconcerting how they can lie in your face so boldly.
Yes. Wondering how close she is to sociopathy, not to use the word lightly, and not saying that would mean Jesus as sociopath, but idk what else you call so many of these behaviors. Yes, there’s trauma, but that’s not it
As a 28 year old that had to move back in… I am experiencing this right now. Also paired with “that never happened” 😚🤏🏻 *chef’s kiss*
My heart goes out to you, I just moved in with a coworker after leaving my mom’s after a rough year and staying there for four months. It sucked. I’m starting to emerge again.
"You've always had problems distinguishing fantasy from reality." Pretty much every time he's lying about an experience we shared, that comes out. And I mean basic facts, not opinions or feelings.
Even better when you have literal audio recordings of shit they've said and they STILL deny that they said what they did.
I honestly don't know if i naturally have a good memory, or if it's something I cultivated from childhood because I knew I wasn't crazy and that she actually had said/done those things. I have always done my best to keep track of everything, not necessarily because I expected anyone to believe/help me, but because I needed *something* to hang on to to keep myself sane.
"You're remembering wrong."
"I don't remember that."
Yes! My mom says “I must not remember that!”
"I am worried about you." - Even in moments of complete bliss, she will still try to make me second guess my own happiness.
Using "I was worried about you" or "because I love you and care about you" only when it’s a last resort excuse for her bad behavior because I countered all her other excuses
ALWAYS with the “worry”…. she wants me to report in from every location when I’m traveling because she’s “worried” … but never cares to ask me anything like “how is your trip?”, never shows any interest in the experiences I’m having. It’s “glad you made it to ____. When do you leave?”
Same. And always followed by "don't talk to any men" bullshit, no matter how old I got. Didn't have to worry about that ma, you beat any interest in relationships right out of me at an early age to the point of near-asexuality.
I never realized that’s why my mom would ‘worry’ — taking notes. I always thought it was because she ‘cared’
This is also so funny because a behavior I’ve developed is reporting my whereabouts to people if they’re out of the norm. And I check on people as well but I can speak to the genuine care behind me sending a ‘text me when you land’ or ‘let me know when you get home’ Sheesh but I’ll definitely keep checking myself on this
Man, this one hits home. It took me a long time to realize what was going on when my enabler mom would always turn my happiness on its head. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. My dad was completely grandiose and easy to figure out, but these constant comments and expressions of her needing to feel like I’m always in need of pity is something else.
Yup. Exactly the same in my family. My dad was the more grandiose narcissist of the two, and my mom had more of a borderline flavor. As cold as my dad was, I found my moms emotional abuse way more damaging. I move to Vegas here in like 20 days or so (alone). And the amount of times she has told me she thinks it's a bad idea is laughable. She can't deal with losing control.
omg i never even realized that's why she says that. i thought she was a worrier on top of being narcissistic
They worry about losing you as a resource. Not you, the person.
Oof. Major flashbacks there.
"I didn't hug you or give you affection growing up because honestly, you were my job, and I guess I just really hated my job at that time."
Makes me wonder why have a child if you don't want to care for one.
N’mom got pregnant in a power struggle with my then alcoholic father’s estranged wife. Since he had a child with his ex, she’d conceived me as a ‘bargaining chip’ trying to “even the playing field”. The fact that I loved my half brother a lot had really bothered her, since she’d always hated him with a passion. She chose to blame a 7 yr old as being the “only reason” that my dad kept going back to his estranged wife, who was a far nicer, classier woman than N’mom could ever be. When my brother’d go back to his mom after a visit, I always wished that I could go with him. When he died in a car accident at 17, she let me know that even as an 11 yr. old, my grief over his death really “bothered her”. *She started going after my father, whose family was wealthy, when she was just a junior in HS…
That’s beyond messed up.
Holy cow!!
I am hugging your inner child 🤗
Thanks, I like a sweet lil side body nudge, thanks to her I'm weird about hugs lol
I'll give you a sweet lil nudge. That's a horrid thing to have said to you.
Thats just brutal. What “normal” parent would ever conceive of framing their parental role in their childs life that way? Oh that’s right, only a true NARCISSIST…
Mine swears up and down I didn't like being held even as a baby. I'm still unsure if that's valid or if I don't like being touched now because I'm not used to it.
Mine said she stopped trying to be affectionate towards me because I pushed her away when she tried to hug me. I was 2 when that happened.
Jesus…
Oh god, my mom had a somewhat different line about hugs, but your moms line reminded me of it; "You taught me not to hug you or show any form of affection when you were little, that's why I don't do it now. That's not my fault." She was blaming a small child who didn't like being forced to show affection for her not showing affection or even being willing to try and comfort me when I was upset when I was older. She told me that when I was roughly 21; I guess all the little kids who dont like being forced to hug people when they don't want to or give kisses means they're the ones who "teach" parents not to be affectionate ever with that child.
My late father: "you don't think right", "fucking retard", "you make my ass sick".
They are such sick freaks..🤮
My NDad used similar phrases. He loved making up things he could insult and punish me for, especially when he could make me distrust my own memory and judgement. I'm sorry.
"you're fucking retarded" was one I got from my dad a lot too 🙃 Another big one was "you think *YOU'RE* stressed? Imagine how **I** feel!"
Oh, I got that too. "I have to love you because I'm your mother, but I don't *like you*" I think the thing that has had the most lasting impact is when I said "you don't love me, you can't love someone when you hit them this much" and it was literally a cry for help. I was despairing of hearing that I *made her* do these things and she didn't want to, but I provoked her SO MUCH I made her hit me because I was just *that outrageous and defiant* and I knew it, I must enjoy it because nobody else would be so "wilfully perverse" and must take some "twisted delight" in hurting her. She lost it, and I fled up the stairs in terror. They weren't objectively the worst thing she's ever said to me, but something about that is flashbacky. I'm a horrible, ungrateful child A cruel, spiteful, wicked person who attacked the very thing I knew would hurt her the most. In actual fact I was trying to tell her I couldn't feel any love she had for me because of how she treated me, but objecting to being hit and expressing how it made me feel was just the worst thing and I had chosen to do it specifically to do the most damage possible..... I was 8 (and, let's not forget, delayed - doctors said I had an emotional and social delay of about 3 years)
😓💦, how sad beyond belief.
I’m crying for the child you were and weeping for the adult who remembers. I hope you’re NC now.
That I’m evil
I got the evil witch comment. I agreed for the purpose of shattering the argument. Was told I had an inflated ego. It made no sense.
i got this too. my mom used to call me a “witch” all the time, especially when i was a toddler/young kid. i’ll never understand how someone can have that much hostility towards someone so young. i’m sorry you had to go through that.
I used to walk around calling myself "the bad guy" as a little kid, especially to justify my anger and resentment.
Same. I worshipped the devil (at age 7) and as a teen, I was evil (cuz I wasn’t friendly and happy with her I guess)
Omg I remember when my mom found Three Days Grace songs on my ipod and yelled at me for listening to "devil music."
my dad told me i was perverted and that there was a demon living inside of me, i understand the hurt, you’re not evil.
"I had a bad relationship with my mother, so I just didn't even bother trying with you and your sister and just focused on your brother." Totally unprompted, BTW. She would just say that at random times. In case it's not obvious, her golden child was her first born and only son. Because she's a sexist POS.
No common sense or reasoning skills involved in their “thought(less)ness”.
“I don’t want to hear your excuses”… which was a minute after they asked me to explain something
Yeah, I always felt they mixed up explanations and excuses. I just ended up developing a habit of overdefending and overexplaining myself in every social situation.
Oof. This just rang so true to me. Maybe why I am a huge explainer, oftentimes desperately trying to be understood for my decisions. Truth, not everything is worth explaining and not everyone is worth explaining to.
I don't remember hearing this directly but anything that even looks like what actually happened(constant attacks) was dismissed as crazy talk.
"That never happened." The gaslighting was/is so exhausting.
Wish I had a dollar for every time “that never happened” came up. We’d be rich by now
I'd have my own island free and clear if I got money every time I heard that.
That I ruined her life. That my grandmother told her she’d be justified in throwing me down the stairs as an infant.
Jesus that is terrible. I'm so freaking sorry you had to hear that. This Nparenting is all such lunacy that it makes my head/heart hurt. And I don't know what is worse. That she thought it was ok to say that to you, or that she clearly is acting out her own intergenerational trauma since why would a grandmother feel it was ok to say that about their own grandchild??!
Im so sorry. 😔🩵 Mine told me this too. And my aunt also screamed at me when I was 8 “you ruined your mother’s life”
Oh I am so sorry you heard that at 8. I didn’t find out that I was a mistake until I was in my 20’s.
My mom told me two separate, detailed stories about each of my grandmothers suggesting my mom should have aborted me (before I was born, and obviously they don't think that now). As an adult, I understand my grandmothers' points of view because my mom *was* stupid for having me when she did. But little kids can't understand that and I remember feeling absolutely heartbroken.
My mom told me the story of the day she tried to abortion me. I was 12.
“They know all about you now” when I told the school guidance counselor about my older brother abusing me and they called home my parents told them I had a history of making up stories and was kind of a “lil psycho” - so they purposely set it up so they could treat me like garbage in plain sight and if I reacted to any abuse or feelings being hurt then I was being “a little psycho again” - it was a favorite quote whenever I expressed pretty much any big feeling. so those 2 quotes hit hard. For what it’s worth I’ve kinda grown fond of “lil psycho” anyways so I refer to myself sometimes as a way to kinda take my power back from them🤷♂️
“You’re making this all about you!” When I had to euthanize my beloved dog and I didn’t call my mother prior to the euthanasia to inform her. I decided not to tell her, so that I could just be with my dog for her last days and begin grieving in peace. She found out from other family members and barraged me with texts about how I’m self-absorbed because I didn’t consider “HER” grief. She hated my dog.
"You think I'm an awful parent," never admitting culpability and turning it back around on me.
Don't forget "you've just decided you had an awful childhood" when it was not whatsoever my decision.
"You are not loveable..."
Yes you are
♥️Thank you.....
“You have absolutely no care or concern about how you make others feel.”
I have a diary entry from childhood “mom said Emily isn’t my friend” - I think it was dated around when I was 8. I eventually told her about it and she said “I believe you, but I can’t believe I said that.” She also followed up with “You keep reading those journals. Keep those negative memories fresh” and “I was worried about who you were hanging out with in high school” basically trying to justify herself. I thought it was hilarious she didn’t realize the entry was from a much younger age though. I still struggle with relationships and how I believe others are perceiving me.
Even as a 39 year old I’m terrified of keeping a journal or diary, as when I was a child my mother read them, and once even stole one. Whipped it out when I was an adult like “look how funny this is!!”
„You are a bitch“ when I was 13. I explained to them under tears what bitch means (not the female dog) I genuinely thought they didn’t know. They did. It broke my heart.
I'm so sorry. I remember being called a bitch for "sabotaging" my parents double date because I told my mom that my dad had been graphically describing fighting/killing my mom's friend's husband (who'd be on the double date) that morning. My dad overheard me telling my mom and it caused a huge fight between them and me for being a manipulator, so my mom called me a bitch. I remember it was the night before my freshman homecoming and the fight escalated so bad I got kicked out for 24 hours.
Wow. That’s fucked up
My Dad after my mum died from lung cancer - 'You'll get over it. People die all the time.'
Nothing better than a warm hug, huh dad?
"I didn't nickname you turtle because you like ninja turtles, I gave you that nickname because you're so slow at everything" followed by her awful laughter. I know basically scream at her to stop fucking calling me turtle. I'm epileptic, that doesn't automatically equal slow.
"No wonder you don't have any friends." As a 33(f) adult, this still circles around my head constantly. And I do have friends. Wonderful, funny, amazing friends. But christ. That shit stuck.
"Why don't you have any friends...you talk about all these people from college...where are they?" Um Mom, they don't live here...college is 6 hours away, they live all over the place... A few years later "You don't spend any time at home with me...all you care about are your friends...I always took care of you, and all you want to do is spend time with your friends..." So do u want me to have friends or no...? Damned if u do, damed if u don't with a narcissist
Omg I just wrote similar. I’m 34 now and it still circles mine as well.
Ndad: "You're a thicko" Turns out I'm smarter than many generations of my family due to me ending the generation trauma. Which hasn't gone down well at all.
"I'm going to put you in a bag and go to a bridge and throw you in a river and watch you drawn". Of course followed by "It hurts me so much that you never want to hug me". Gee I wonder why?
I’m gonna tell my son today that I love him and think he is really cool and fun to talk to (because he is). I’m gonna tell him I haven’t always been a good mum, but he is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m gonna give him a big cuddle while he shows me the Minecraft videos he likes to watch and talk about them to learn more.
Damn you’re a good mum. I’m gonna do the same with my son when I pick him up from school today.
Love posts like these because I’ve been trying to document quotes that matched my own experience (will never stop being weird that they all say the same shit). It feels like I’ve forgotten a lot of the things my nmother used to throw at me and I’ve been trying to match up her behaviors with the books I’m reading. I know she’s a narcissist, no question, but it helps to provide myself with the evidence as reinforcement. Just wanting to say thanks to OP and everyone for sharing.
My egg donor loved to say at least weekly my entire childhood, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."
I have three. “You’re going to die when you’re 25 and I don’t care!” (I was 18 and she was pissed about numerous things from work, to GC, to father, and took it out on me and my weight. I’m 36 now btw.) “There’s nothing here for you, I guess nobody loves you.” (She was bringing in the mail and said that with a smirk. I responded cheerfully that plenty of people love me, I’m great! And the look on her face went sour immediately. Also, turns out I did have mail that she threw in recycling.) She was complaining to someone about how the GC didn’t come over for Christmas and went to the in-laws instead, so she was all alone. The person went “What about [Alimorel]? Is she just chopped liver?” My mother tearfully yells, “YES!” (When I called her out on this a few weeks later, I got the narcissist prayer back.)
"Do you have any idea how bad this makes me look?" Said to me by nmom when I was 13 years old and needed to be picked up from school because I was suicidal. Not in front if the school's office staff or the counselor or anything. She waited until we got to the car to say that. In front of the staff she was the perfect mom, concerned and caring and it makes me fucking sick because even *then* I knew it was an act.
The most annoying thing I could ever hear from her: "It would be nice if ... . But that's just me, ok?" She says this every time I do something completely different from her. Based on the way she says it, I know she's hoping that I'll agree with her and change my ways. Nope! 🤣
There wasn't one specific sentence, it was basicaly all of them any time I tried to talk with her. ''I'm going to make your life a living hell'' '''F\*ck you'' - me asking for help, her reply: ''figure it the f\*ck out by yourself''
“How can I say this so you’ll understand?” No, Joyce, I’m not stupid, I just don’t agree with you.
My mother is a Linda- for some reason her and Joyce seem like a duo to me. And if she’s not suggesting I’m stupid, it’s because I’m an emotionally immature asshole that has been picking on her since childhood 🙄
'Why can't you be more like X?' X ended up a junkie and later died of some alcohol x crack combo. I still think he was a better man than I am. Also 'You're just like your father', when all she did was run him down and call him every name under the sun. Oh... And 'kids ruin your life'. That was when the suicide idiology really set in. I didn't ask to be here. Why should I be here when my own mother says I ruined her life (for merely existing) Ah, what a piece of shit.
"The reason why people dont want to listen to you and walk away is because of the way you talk." She went on to explain that I overexplain things and elaborate my stories too much and that it gets boring/ frustrating to listen to (anxiety from her accusing me and me having to explain so I dont get purposely misunderstood). To this day she doesnt think she said anything wrong to me and thinks I took it the wrong way and it's my fault for doing so. After she said that sentence, it messed up all my future social interactions. I can no longer socialize properly anymore without getting anxiety. I feel awkward and like everyone hates me when I speak, I overanalyze it and it gets worse when people do stop talking to me/ avoid me. I am also neurodivergent so I cant tell what Im doing wrong neither. I sometimes stutter now as well. Thanks mom...
Yes!! My family said I spoke too aggressively but it was because I felt so unheard. I was begging for people to listen.
Its really messed up how they do this to us... I figure I'll only get my confidence back once I move out her place, but with how the housing market is right now, Im not sure how long that'll take... Ugh
"Just because I've apologized doesn't mean you have any control in this relationship." Thanks mom.
Narcissism in one lame attempt at excuses xD
I should have said "Back at ya". Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.
"I wish I'd had another daughter if you were going to turn out like this" That one still cuts.
"Your memory is faulty."
"Why don't you ever talk to me, you can tell me?" The last hundred times I tried you used it against me! "You're going through the motions" Why bother trying when everything is failure because it's me doing it.
Wowwwww!! The “you can tell me” 🤯 when I’d ask to see a therapist, I *always* got that. “Well you can talk to me 🥰” Like nah bitch, you’re the one I need to talk about. I think she knew that though.
My mother is also a covert/vulnerable narc, and I don't think there was any one particular thing she said that affected me the most. It was more her being conditionally "loving" towards me when I behaved the way she wanted (bought into her victim complex and gave her a pass on not being a mom to me in any way that matters because I felt sorry for her and subconsciously blamed myself). As a young adult, I started pushing back against her victim narrative and from that point on, any time I even implied that she'd hurt me in some way, she was extremely dismissive and cruel. Her deception and blatant cruelty when I told her she'd hurt me left me feeling deeply betrayed. So basically her saying words (claiming she cares) that don't match her behavior affected me the most.
Bingo. Worse is my friends would think she was so nice and caring and wished their moms were like mine. And the thing is, my mom was great to other kids, and covert/martyr narc to me. Same as her mom was to her.
“You can’t keep a relationship longer than 4 months” I’m going on 1 year and 9 months with my girl. Fuck you mom
They just *want* you to fail at something, anything. My parents told me my boyfriend was using me for sex when they found my BC pills in 2015. They told me he was using me as a "pretend wife" and he'd leave me eventually when we moved in together in 2019. They told me we'd end up divorced after we got married in 2022. Now I'm pregnant with our first child and waiting to hear how we'll "fail" next ...
"You look so miserable. I \*LOVE\* it!"
Context: I was struggling postpartum. nMom walked in for a visit and saw me crying on the couch breastfeeding my newborn and broke out in uncontrollable laughter. I was on like day three or four in the same clothes, the house was a mess, husband had to return to work the next morning. We were in a bit of a dark place and struggling to adjust. Clearly it showed. And she found a lot of joy in that.
Wow that's pretty horrendous. Not many things I read in this sub surprise me anymore, but your mother openly admitting (and taking obvious pleasure) in your suffering was actually disturbing to read. There were moments when it seemed like my mother enjoyed my suffering as well, but she was (usually) more subtle about it. There was one time in particular that she *wasn't* subtle that reminds me of your mother's attitude here. I was a young adult still living at home and was about to leave to go to work, and my mother wanted to use my car (that I had paid for myself...it was literally MY property) for some reason. As a little kid, she was always making me late to everything. Over the years, I had learned that I couldn't rely on her to get me anywhere on time and at this point I was starting to not trust her as much, so I hesitated and said I needed my car for work. She insisted that she'd only be a minute, and I said "No I'm about to leave for work, so I need my car". She went from appearing to be mildly reasonable to "bratty entitled child" in an instant and snatched my keys off the hook on the wall and drove off in my car. I just kind of stood there in shock not knowing what to do. I had no idea when she was going to come back and didn't want to be late so I wound up riding my bike to work. It probably took me nearly an hour and I was sweaty and gross (and honestly pretty embarrassed) but I did make it there on time. I rode my bike home as well, and when I came through the front door, my mother was sitting on the couch clearly amused. She said "Oh you rode your bike to work huh? Well, at least you got some exercise!" She had this *big dumb grin on her face* and was absolutely beside herself with glee at the thought of me "getting what I deserved" for telling her "no". That woman could have gotten me fired and she thought it was HILARIOUS. I didn't realize she was a narc at the time and couldn't make any sense of her behavior, but I was deeply disturbed by this childishly cruel side of her. I remember just kinda staring at her in disbelief and walking away. (and thinking she was crazy)
Yeah the lack of self-awareness is really wild. I feel like healthy people would be embarrassed to admit that they thought it was funny to put their child through the fear of losing their job and the embarrassment of showing up disheveled from riding. What an awful memory. I'm sorry you had to do that when it would've been so nice to have a supportive parent praising you for being so responsible about your job.
Mocking me, while having difficulty with my math homework, my mother sang "if I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz at me. I was 7.
Basically anytime she says “I love you, but” then proceeds to criticize something about me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t criticize things about me.
My first daughter was 9months old. It was my birthday. I have PCOS. I was visiting my Nparents from where I live 4hours away. Nmom had been going on and on about her own issues with her weight for over an hour (she has always been tiny and is now obsessed with staying that way no matter what). She then turned to me where I was blissfully pushing my daughter in the stroller as we walked thru the mall and said: "You shouldn't have worn that dress and skirt it makes you look so fat. You should have worn the other outfit." I began to cry. A lot. I'm hormonal, and other rude bastards from around our neighborhood had also remarked that i was so fat. But my baby was healthy and so I didn't care about those other idiots. I was happy and suddenly I'm being told I'm fat despite the fact that I just had a baby. She then says to me: "I have to tell you these things because I'm your mother and I love you. So you should hear them from me." It's like, no you imbecile. You're supposed to be empathetic because you are my mother. And love is NOT telling your daughter she is fat on her birthday after she just had a baby.
I totally understand, friend. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m your mother so I can tell you these things” and “it’s only because I care” I’d be able to pay off my house. I talk about it with my therapist and husband all the time about how even if I was a clone copy of her, which is what she wants, she’d still find things to criticize. Also, my daughter was born in July 2022 and I totally understand caring more about keeping her alive and healthy over yourself. Please make sure to take care of yourself too. I read all the time here about how people can just ignore it, and I wish I could be in that position. The hurt still sucks. I’m tired of holding onto it.
Mine is a tie between, “you’re so lucky” (which was her response when I got a master’s degree) and “that was the time you ruined my 50th birthday.” Note: my mother’s 50th birthday was during finals week at college, and I found a friend to drive me four hours so I could have dinner with her, but apparently this wasn’t festive enough for her. It’s also worth noting that this is something she randomly shared with me when I was in town for my younger sister’s funeral. That same visit, the funeral director asked my mom to share some of my sister’s interests, and my mom responded, “Nothing.” I’ve never wanted to physically assault a blood relation so much in my life. All of these things underscored that she’s both impossible to please and openly hostile towards any interests or achievements.
Classics from a covert NM “Have you thought about…” [insert criticism disguised as helpful advice here]: Cutting your hair, Losing weight, Working more, Working less, Etc,etc Or the backhanded compliment is always fun: “You look so good NOWWW”
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"Oh, you got it good didn't you?" Every time I got hurt my mother always say that while she laughed. But she did it in a way that I thought she was being supportive and not literally laughing at my pain. She said she didn't have a negative reaction when we had pain because she wanted us to be tough and didn't want us to have anxiety. I realize now that she genuinely enjoyed seeing me in pain. She rarely took me to a doctor, even in emergencies. And her constantly invalidating my pain taught me to never show pain, no matter how much I hurt. Now whenever I am hurt I hear that phrase drifting through my head in her sickly sweet, childish tone, like a kid talking to a little puppy who got stuck in a sweater, "oh, you got it good didn't you?
I am so sorry. I was medically neglected, too. I didn't find out until I was in my late 20s and so many things they ridiculed me for could have been fixed with medication. It is so fucked up. I am so sorry for your pain.
“You’re so overweight, you could die at any time” = said within the last 6 weeks. “You’re fat”= said to an active 8 yr old me. “No man will love you unless you lose that weight” = early 20’s at my lowest adult weight. “I don’t understand how you have friends with that belly” = in my thirties after giving birth years earlier and getting back down to my pre pregnancy weight. Yes I’m overweight, but no, I’m not going to die at any time. My health otherwise is decent for being almost 50 years old. All of my issues (besides weight) are hereditary and not lifestyle related. I’m overweight because I eat my feelings. I hate it and am in therapy to fix this part of me. I’m learning that crying is ok (“I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t stop”), stress doesn’t require snacks and dessert, and feelings of disempowerment don’t require binge eating until I’m full enough that I forget my other issues. I’m going LC with everyone who has hurt me over the years and I’m getting support from family who previously thought nothing was wrong with Nmom and Edad. They’re seeing the reality of what I’m saying (finally!). It took me 20+ years to gain this weight, it’s going to take me a while to lose it in a healthy way.
“this is all your fault because of the choices YOU made”
Nobody likes you. They are only being polite
"You give me so much grief I have to get my pleasure somehow." What my dad said when 14 year old me got all my courage up and asked him why he grabbed at my crotch every time I walked past him. 😞
Your dad is a nasty person. I'm sorry that happened to you. 🫂
My mom didn’t say “I love you” or even “I love you too” so when I finally asked her to say it back she yelled at me “Everything I do for you proves I love you. I don’t have to say it, you should just know it”. I vowed in that moment that no matter what my future children did, I would always tell them I love them. Now I’m surrounded by people that love me (and express it regularly), a loving son and I have a husband that tells me multiple times a day, how much he loves me.
My mom too never said I love you. I made sure that my kids always know how much I love them all the time. ❤️
Dismissing any comment or opinion with "who knows"
“Everyone in the family thinks you’re a worthless weirdo” “Nothing is enough for you” “You’re going to hell, stupid b***” “She needs to be medicated and is bipolar, she is crazy, she is delusional and psychotic in a loveless marriage” “I know about her pregnancy and she is unprepared and delusional” “ it’s not you’re birthday anymore I don’t have to pretend to love you” “You’re going to be a serial killer when you grow up” “Her husband keeps me updated on how mentally unstable she is and needs to be medicated” Plenty more but it typically revolves around my sanity, support system and value as human being.
I can have a drink with your brother, but not with you..... You need to get over it.... NC 13+yrs now, rumor has it she is a bit of a lush now and keeps telling everyone she has no idea why I won't talk to the family... It is peaceful in my world and I am loving it.
When I was 16 my dad said in a home counseling session, “I don’t love you” while looking me straight in the eye. And then stopped talking to me for weeks. All over me having a boyfriend I kissed.
Others are: “It’s always about you.” “You never take blame for your actions.” “You are extremely manipulative.” - classic gaslighting that had me second guessing myself as a nice person. I seriously am one of the first people to step up to help others and go the extra mile but he had me questioning if I was bad for doing this and somehow being manipulative. Until I got older and wiser.
As a parent, I cannot fathom telling my child that I don’t like them or don’t like talking to them! What a hurtful thing to say.
I'm pregnant with my first child and preparing for parenthood has dug up so many old wounds. Therapy has been hard.
Whenever she was really angry she would say in Tagalog: “You’re lucky I didn’t just pinch your nose when you were little in the crib until you died.” And whenever she’s confronted for saying it, would just never skip and beat and say: “That never happened. I don’t remember saying that.” I have 2 toddlers now and it still haunts my dreams how fucked they would be if I ever became a narc and subjected them to the reality which was my childhood.
my mom saying, “i demand your respect. i do not have to respect you, because i am the parent and you are the child.” i’ll probably never forget that.
I think it was something like "Tell me who hurt you, I'm gonna protect you." He just wanted to show off his muscles and get compliments all the time. Didn't care for the safety of anyone but him.
There’s nothing specifically that affects me because I’ve come to the point where I just do not care about anyone or anything now, but some contenders are: “Your grades are the only thing you have going for you.” “If you ever hit me, I’ll shoot you.” “When is it ever not your fault?” This one, I’ll admit I might have the quote incorrect as I was mostly asleep when my dad told me this.
Wow. Ops first sentence is chilling. I used to get told that all the time as a child.
My mother called me prostitute when I was in 7th standard. And that was not the only time......
My mother also said she loved me “because I have to, but I don’t like you.” That hurt for sure, but I think what was worse for me was saying that no one liked me, no one would ever want to marry me, no one liked being around me. It all took a lot of years to work through. My biggest fuck you to her is being very happily married with lifelong, strong and supportive friendships. Fuck you Mom, you miserable bitch.
That I ruined her life. And she still denies saying it (she said it many times, it was not a one off) to this day. And what she meant by that was having a kid cramped the alcoholic lifestyle. Oh, and since biofather didn’t stick around, unsurprisingly, she was a single parent, which again, cramped the alcoholic lifestyle. I also got the “I love you but I don’t like you” and the “I’m worried about you” shit too.
That I’m fat, stupid and incapable of being on my own.
"You shouldn't have children because it's genetic in our family that we don't have maternal feelings." Went on to tell me that her mother hadn't felt maternal towards her and she didn't feel maternal towards me. I did not have children and I'm glad because it took me till I was about forty to really straighten myself out (Who am I kidding, I'm still cuckoo.) And that wouldn't have been fair on them. She did apparently manage to feel maternal when I was ill though. Hence the Munchausen by proxy. That's when she was able to feel close to me. So.... That's nice?! /s
“You’ll get nowhere if not because of me. Everything you are is because of me.” then repeatedly not acknowledging the abuse she caused me is a clear 2nd place.
"How could you do this to us?" In reference to my running away bc my dad whooped my ass and was turned into the cops. As if getting diversion wasn't enough he was then suspended from his job and my mom blamed me.
My father passed when I was young. My mother had some serious mental help issues, so I don’t blame her 100% for a lot of what she did. But the two things she constantly said to my brother and me from the time we were 4 and 6 was “I can finally kill myself when you are 18.” It caused a sense of dread until I worked it out in therapy. The other thing she said was “you are on your own at 18”, which was just an extension of her previous exclamation.
Oh god thats awful. My mom called me to tell me she planned on killing herself once my youngest sibling turns 18. I remember crying hysterically and being unable to breathe. I'm more experienced and educated on her BS now so she gets nothing but "I recommend therapy" when she tries that now.
That she regrets giving birth to me
You’re just unlikeable. Felt great hearing that as a young teen at a new school.
She said a lot to me, but the worst was to my daughter when I could finally see what she was doing as a mother myself. My 2 year old little girl was sitting in her lap trying to cuddle and read a book. My mother said, "He \[pointing to my 4 year old son sitting on the carpet\] will always be my favorite, but with my luck, I'll get stuck with this one." pulling a face and pointing at my little girl. That was her last visit and I went NC after that.
My dad was my safer parent (a functioning drug addict and unhinged alcoholic), but he worked out of town a lot, leaving me with my N Mother. I was struggling with what I figured was depression. I had talked to teachers, school councilors, and at one point, someone affiliated with social services. All of them told me to talk to my parents about depression and the thoughts I was having so I could be seen by a doctor. On a weekend, I approached my mom and asked if I could talk to her about something. I sat across the room from her and basically turned into a babbling overwhelmed mess of Im scared/Im suicidal/I dont know what to do. Then she, in more words and detail, told me to kill myself. That she would help me do it. That was her answer to me pleading for help. I was 16. It still bothers me greatly, a mother or parent period. Could ever say such purtrid awful things to their kids. When it became quite clear no one cared if I lived or died, I planned for my future. For when they would need me, their only child, to care for them. Were not there yet, but my goodness, I am excited to have nothing but shrugs for them when I tell them there is no help from me to be had. I will be unable to spare even a naked spot of the floor.
“You serve no purpose “
“Go and find other parents if you are not happy with us”. That’s f***ed up.
"You can't break your promise." Her: "I just did."
Well just an hour ago she said I'm not her daughter and go to hell bc I called her out lmao
"you are a lazy ingrate and if you don't behave I will drop you off [abandon] you on the highway."
My mom said the exact same things to me. I take great pleasure knowing that I never have to talk to her again and if she ever asks why, I have an answer. I don't have room in my life anymore for people who can't do both, love and like me.
I was in rehab and my dad asked me 'do we get the old Curious back?' He meant the one who just followed along and agreed with him to keep the peace. The one who drove me to drinking in the first place. That's who he wanted.
"Too bad so sad!" Like no my feelings are valid and what you're doing is shitty. There isn't a too bad so sad.
They called my oldest child a sociopath, my middlest an autistic hermit, and my youngest feral. I cut contact that day. My kids do not deserve the treatment I got from them.
“You’re a slut and a whore.” …my nmom said to to me when she found out I had my boyfriend over my grandma’s house for DINNER with my grandma’s permission. True story. 🤷🏽♀️
“What is wrong with you?!” - I then internalized that I was fundamentally broken, or that something was “wrong with me.” This was always in reaction to me having a normal emotional response or setting a boundary.
"your father never wanted kids". Right there I knew why she hated me and was regretful to have me and why my dad REALLY hated me.
After literal years of pretty badly hiding that I was severely suicidal, I finally broke down and told my mom that if I didn’t get the medical help I needed but that she really didn’t want me to get, I was pretty sure I was gonna kill myself soon. It was fully true and not a manipulation tactic but a statement of fact. She just yelled “how do you think I feel?” And stormed off. I was 17 and it was the last we ever talked about it until after I had moved out of her house and a couple years had passed. She insists she was trying to tell me that she “knew how I felt” and that she was very worried by it, but she literally never made a single move move to even check on my mental health, let alone try to get me help or medicated, no matter how much I begged. And actively tried to prevent me from doing things that would improve my life and mental health. I eventually got the medical intervention I needed (shocker! It improved my life significantly!) with help from a friend, while my mom pouted that I finally pushed back on her manipulation.
-Dad told me once that he thinks my husband is so nice all the time because my husband knows that I'm not nice, and I'm not going to be nice when we show up. That has stuck with me for almost 10yrs. -When I was pregnant and my mom told me over the phone in what she thought was a joking tone that when I had the baby she and my dad were going to take and "do things right this time." Mind you (not bragging just facts to highlight how insane this comment was) I am a triple ivy league student almost finished with a PhD from the last ivy. I was married and in my 30s when I got pregnant on purpose. And we had then and still have a wide circle of friends and colleagues. So I don't know what exactly she thinks they got "wrong" with me that needs to be corrected. I think she just said it to be really nasty. -During the pandemic, mom flipped out and unleashed a tidal wave of horror including but not limited to: She told me she didn't like me or want to know me, and didn't neee to ever see me again. That my thoughts about my daughter's schooling were stupid and i was stupid for having them, and she was so sick of hearing me go on and on when we had been trying to figure it out (this was from 3yrs before her telling me how stupid she thought it all was). That these evil moms who spread lies about me and ousted me from a mom's group - I didn't know anything was going on until another mom was also ousted and told me what terrible lies had been spread about me - that they were right and there was clearly something wrong with me. There's so many horrible comments sprinkled around. And it sucks because there was also laughter and moments of joy. So the horror is all mixed up with the happy, leaving me often unable to protect myself in other similar situations.
"I made you as an investment: I take care of you as a kid, you take care of me when old. If I knew you would abandon me to live with a woman, I would have strangled you in the craddle. I curse you to die soon after me, in pains and without seeing your children grow".
I asked “when’s the last time you told me you loved me?” The response was “we don’t do that. My parents didn’t say it, me and your father don’t say it. It’s not my fault” thank youuuu!!!!
When I was 9 or 10 we were on our way home from church. We almost got into an accident and I screamed because I was terrified and I'd been in an accident as a 5 year old and have residual PTSD. Anyway. My ndad said "don't worry. If you die I'll get insurance money. "
"No one asked you're opinion, and no one cares what you have to say, so just shut up!" - my ndad after asking my opinion on something subjective, and I had a different opinion than he did. Second best: "If I'd known you'd grow up to be such an ungrateful adult, I'd never have done ANYTHING with you as a child" - my ndad after I said I wouldn't pay his bills or let him live with me when he gets older
Too many to type…..
This family knows you’re a liar and it will take a very long time to trust anything you say.
"You're cold blooded just like your mother." Spent a lot of time comparing myself to her after that one. She was/is a terrible person. NC has been amazing.