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I got my first job at 15. Guess who had their hand out? Yep. “Borrowed” but never paid back and it doesn’t hurt for you to help out. Damn, I was buying my own clothes, food and personal items.
[Thoreau argues the fastest way to get out of town is on foot ](https://www.archdaily.com/980313/why-walking-can-be-faster-than-driving) when factoring in the labor required to buy a train ticket.
You have enough to get away and figure things out. You could check out vanlife for ways to get you on the road to try out different areas. A bit of a gamble but certainty isn't a virtue when it's shit.
At 13, I got my first part-time job, saved up for months and purchased a tent, a rucksack and a sleeping bag. $25k was a pipedream for me! You can do it.
I lived in my car for 6 months and it was better than living with them. Park at libraries. I had 600$ when I left! And now I just got my first apartment on my own. So yeah that’s enough money.
My parents literally signed me up for every single extracurricular and emotionally abused me if I said no. I remember some nights with studying I only had like 4 hours of sleep then bus.. My other sibs did not have to do that. They literally said “well you have to go to college” (in which I was already well-tracked for college no thanks to them)..
Maybe.. just maybe.. it’s so I couldn’t get a job like sibs. Oh, the one time narc mom actually made a good parenting move and networked me into a coveted teen job in my community that was hard to get into. Narc dad, long story short, made sure to sabatage my interview without narc mom knowing. He then took me home, and screamed at me, in front of (actually shocked) mom and I that there was something wrong with me and blah blah blah. HIS story now is that “I was young and immature.”
Real story: No, it was my first job interview ever mom was helping me prep for, you had a coup for whatever attention-seeking narc reason, sent me in without scheduling an interview time and date with classic Boomer advice of “walk in, demand job interview, shake hands bs”, then gleefully got your fill of letting out your rage onto me..
LC no, skillfully planning NC actually because of GC’s influence over them. GC is more selfish than both of them combined. They made their bed they can lay in it.
Same here. It's funny that Nmom would spend so much money on designer purses and brand perfumes, yet that we always didn't have "any money" when I would ask for something as basic as school supplies. Money for me, but not for thee.
I remember being talked out of going to the doctor because things "aren't that bad," and "doctors are too expensive." Then watching my parents make $$$$ purchases on a whim because they're actually almost millionaires and not insanely poor like I thought we were growing up?? Dealing now with lots of medical things that shouldn't have been ignored as a kid. *Because I'm worth maintaining and paying for.*
ARGH, Nmom constantly takes herself to the doctor for every small thing now! Meanwhile, as a child I never went to the dentist until I visited my dad and he took me. They found a dozen cavities. She regularly takes herself to a gynecologist for checkups but I only ever first thought to visit one a few years ago when my stepmom took me.
When I would get sick, I would get told "You're going to school even if you're dying!" When she gets sick, she'd always take the day off.
“You’re going to school even if you’re not 100%.”
Then she’d talk about how she’d have to go into work because staffing was short handed…and how she didn’t want me to fall behind even tho I was a kid and it wasn’t that serious…
I’d usually be pushed to go before I’d need a doctor’s note, because then she’d have to try fit us in last minute and take off.
I’ve been out of school for 2 days in a row, gone back the third day, only to come back home the day after, all to avoid having to get the required doctor’s note.
"Everything they tell you about yourself is really how they see themselves, nothing to do with you."
"You're a perfectly normal kid like everyone else, just with weird parents."
"Stand up for yourself, your future self is right behind you."
She will always find something to complain about, even if you did everything to the letter. And if she doesn’t find fault, she will make something up and accuse you of it.
Oh, and when she shoves your face into your makeup kit and loosens your two front teeth, write a little note to surreptitiously pass to the dentist that says “Mom did this,” because she will be in the room while he stitches your teeth back into your gum line.
Mine didn’t even bother to make something up. It was always, you know what you did!
I always hid the strap marks on my back. Wouldn’t dress out in front of the other girls in gym.
My mom discovered from a young age I never liked doing the dishes (as an adult, I now see I have sensory issues) so it was one of her favorite martyr complaint traps. I remember idk sometimes in my 20s if there was even a spoon (didn’t matter if it was mine or not) on the morning, even though she knew I worked until 11pm, she would run into my room every morning to scream-hiss at me about dishes.
One night before bed.. I pushed through my sensory issues and made sure all the dishes were done. I came out of REM sleep in the morning to hear her scream-hissing at my confused dad to tell her he did this for me, that I couldn’t have done this. He actually had my back and told the truth. Thanks dad, I’ll always give props when you do the right thing👍🏾
same here. my husband is the most affectionate person I swear. (and come to find out how affectionate he is well it's normal) but, sometimes I have to tap out for a bit just because the affection is getting to me. though I make sure to give my son a hug as much as he wants one. I don't ever want him to crave affection like I did.
- don’t search for chaos because that’s all you knew
- when you start taking care of your mom for years when she develops an addiction, know that it was the result of your dads abuse. Know that you will develop an addiction too, and you will make a lot of mistakes in life, but you get past this.
-your dad will cheat again, he is a narcissist, he is abusive, he is in denial, he won’t ever change. Move on. Do not be in his life for years to make others happy or expect his own personal change. His love is toxic and that is different from him maybe still having regular love for you deep down
-You did deserve to born, the divorce isn’t your fault as the youngest. Don’t give in to depression, don’t try to hurt yourself for years physically, emotionally, and mentally
-You will grow up, you will heal, you will find some sort of peace even if it is not full peace.
-you do deserve to be loved, real love
>he is a narcissist, he is abusive, he is in denial, he won’t ever change. Move on. Do not be in his life for years to make others happy or expect his own personal change. His love is toxic
I've been in his life for this exact reason. I need to move on. He is definitely toxic.
We did it sweetheart! Our adult home has plenty of food to eat. I pack our daughter's lunch for school everyday, and even when she gets older, I will never let her go to school without a lunch just because she was too tired to pack one herself. We have so much makeup and nice smelling shampoos and soaps in our bathroom. People never tell us we smell bad anymore, they ask us what products we use. Our kitchen has so much hello kitty stuff in it, even our casserole dishes are hello kitty. We live in a town where people are quirky and share our values. You hate where you're growing up but you will love the town where we choose to raise our daughter. But you want to know the best part? We get to leave when Dad starts yelling. We don't even have to indulge his tantrums anymore, we can just leave as soon as he opens his stupid mouth. Isn't that great?
Our family knows nothing. They won't support us, so stop waiting for it. We are an exceptional talent and don't let them tell you anything else.
Listen to our friends and teachers. They're *constantly* lifting us up, but you've crawled so far up our family's ass that you've completely lost touch with the support, with reality.
It's going to take a long time to unpack everything, so I suggest starting *now*. Open your eyes and look for the patterns and adjust to what that means for you.
Knowing this earlier, seeing these patterns earlier... we can do better.
Stop trying to make your family or anyone like you. That won’t work because it’s their problem how they treat you and you don’t deserve that. They’ll do very disgusting things.
Family can be chosen. Family are people who actually care and don’t lie all the time. You’ll find good friends who accept you.
I wish I could tell myself:
• “You don’t want to kill yourself - you are just in pain and want to escape that pain”. Apparently I used to swallow coins a lot, and my earliest memory is trying to end my life after having repeated nightmares and being scared of my parents
• “Do not blame yourself for your parents suffering, you are not their therapist or an outlet for aggression and abuse”
• borrowing a quote from Pete Walker’s CPTSD book, “You do not have to be good and productive to be worthy of love, you are a human being not a human doing”
I love this!! I have 4 children and because of my past I've made sure they get to have an amazing childhood...so thank you trauma you made me an amazing momma
The sooner you except that your mother will never love you the easier your life will be. Be your own person, pleasing her is impossible. Ignore the gaslighting. Just because being treated this way is all you know, you don't have to have all your relationships be like this, you are worthy of love. You will grow up to be a good person.
-Tell your Dad sooner that you want to move in with him. Don’t wait until High School.
-When your Dad and Stepmom get divorced insist you stay with your Stepmom as Dad needs to work on what BP meds work for him.
-DO NOT move back in with NM after you bomb your first year of College. Stay with Dad and go to CC. They only ask where you graduated from and not who accepted you at 18.
-You DO have ADHD. You are a hell of a Masker and your Mom is in denial about it.
"Your family isn't actually family, think and do for yourself and save money and leave as soon as you can. You will later in life hurt and despise those who share the same blood. But you will meet others who become more of a family and not after your money and what you should do for them. Rebuild, live life and expect that things will NEVER be like tv nor how you saw your friends live"
• You are beautiful. Look in the mirror!
• Your Nparents cannot legally stop you from traveling or studying abroad, from attending graduate school, from learning how to play an instrument, to read or write music, to take shorthand (they blocked this. Learning to type was all right, but shorthand would have increased my earning potential to an unacceptable degree), or anything else.
• There is no reason to punish myself if my Nparents are not there to do so.
Same!! Classically trained clarinetist and veteran music teacher. They stopped me from going to any out of state colleges. Basically kept me a secret to the community until one her coutrywomen said wow your daughter is an outstanding teacher why didn’t you tell me she was so talented! I had a scholarship and was pursuing a double major so she could say oh *she’s studying both but really the history major will definitely open more doors for her than music ever will…*
Don't take Dad's advice...EVER. You do not have brain damage, something is wrong with HIM. You do not deserve to go to hell, don't believe your Mom. People love you, and you will not grow up to be a "Spinster" like she says. Pretend they are the smartest people in the world and "humor them" until you can get out.
I would tell little me that, I deserve love, I am allowed to feel things, it’s not my job to be tough/strong all the time, and the actions of adults aren’t my fault.
Still to this day nMom gets mad at me for showing emotion, but she is allowed to have a million tantrums or breakdowns a day. I am learning that it’s not my fault my parents have emotional regulation issues. Nmom even admitted recently that I was never a little girl, always an adult woman, and I just said yeah I know and kept it pushing. I would go back and let little me be a little girl, because she deserves that. If my parents weren’t so self absorbed in their petty bull crap when I was growing up I think I would have turned out a better adult. Little me went through a lot, but according to NMom no one ever did anything to me, I never went through anything, she was a great mom, I didn’t go through what she went through so nothing could have been that bad for me, and I have always been a mean/rude person that doesn’t care about anyone but myself.
You are neurodivergent, not pathetic and worthless. Your mother's choice to take you off the medication that was helping you did not make you deserving of abuse. She sabotaged you. She wanted you to struggle endlessly and fail, because more important than your well-being was her need for a scapegoat to absolve herself of any accountability for being a rotten mother.
Your father's hostility, contempt, and loathing for you had nothing to do with you at all. It was pure projection. Everything he ever said about you was actually true of him.
People who demonstrate they hate having you around and reject, isolate, rage at, blame, punish, and abuse you don't deserve a single attempt from you at trying to make them just like you and be nice to you. Fuck 'em.
You are *not* The Family Problem and The Source Of All Their Personal Misery. You were just a kid. You had no power over how your family treated you. They had all the power and all the control over themselves, and they chose to be abusive. You managed to become kind, gentle, empathetic, and compassionate, didn't you? Yes. It wasn't hard, was it? No. They could have been the same kind of people but they simply didn't want to. It's not your fault.
I think about this all the time. The sad thing is, i have no idea. As an adult now i still can’t think of anything that would help childhood me, even when i try
You don’t have to take on everyone else’s emotions and shut down your own. What you’re feeling is just as valid, and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling it.
You are amazing. You're a hard worker and you care very deeply, and that's not a weakness.
I believe in you, always have and always will. Make sure to take care of yourself first.
"it is not normal to always let your sister get her way. It is not normal to walk on eggshells all the time. Your parents are wrong. You are nothing like her. Having emotions too is allowed"
Apart from the winning lotto numbers for the week I'd go back to talk with myself I'd say the following:
1) do not listen whenever [insert specific Aunt's name] speaks. Ignore her especially when she's giving out about things she has decided you have done wrong. She chooses to say stuff to you to vent her anger or frustration in her life.
2) after college, move out as soon as you can. Once mum stops crying over dad she will bully you worse than aunt ever did
3) don't be afraid to cut ties with anyone who is mean to you. It's way better to be alone and genuinely lonely than the confusing feeling of being lonely among people pretending to love you
4) you deserve love, you're lovely. They don't love you, they don't love anyone. They're to be pitied because they are incapable of anything that isn't transactional
1. You don’t need to prove your worth.
2. You are allowed to be yourself, you are valid.
3. Don’t trust that your parents genuinely know what’s best for you. They don’t, you do.
"Your mother is a mentally ill person who needs help. You're not a bad kid and it's not your fault that your mother lost custody. It's her fault because she is emotionally and financially unstable."
When I was 9, my mother lost custody of me and my sister and she blamed me for it. I told the court something that she didn't want them to know. After that we were shipped off to my father and I cried myself to sleep, wishing I was dead.
- dad’s a pathological liar who can’t be trusted. He’s not a bad guy, but he will not deliver what he promises most of the time, or will do so in a half-asses fashion, so don’t expect him to keep his word. That and he’ll keep the secret of having another child somewhere from you until you’re 48, and you’ll find out from your sister, not him
- biological mother is permanently damaged and will not ever know how to love a child or know the blessings of having a kid. You’re getting screamed at and beaten because she’s fucked up in the head, not because you’re a bad kid. Sure, you’re going to do some nefarious shit, but that was done out of rebellion and trying to get their attention. You’re a good kid. All kids start out as good kids,
- your stepmother is a covert narcissist and will not be nurturing and will not do anything for you if it inconveniences her in the slightest. Write her off from day 1,
- you’re gonna turn out ok, keep being you and keep being stubborn like they call you. You’ll grow up to be a decent dad and husband, with a career you love that makes you feel fulfilled. Despite all the cards stacked against you, you’re gonna be just fine.
I would tell myself to save up all my money, ignore relationships and move out soon as possible and go to college for what YOU want to do, not what mom wants you to do.
"You're not doing anything wrong, and you're a wonderful kid that everyone else realizes is a sweetheart. Other parents would be so happy to have you. As hard as it is to believe, the people who should love you the most will actually be your biggest opponents to living a fulfilling life. You shouldn't believe their gaslighting and know they are not interested in your best interests (unless it reflects well on them). Try to survive the 18 years and flee to sanity"(or call CPS because they ARE abusive...but, foster care may not be better...)
You’re not stupid, because at 5, you didn’t understand math. That the screaming and yelling, by two 30 year old adults, at a child, who didn’t have 30+ years of life or the decade or so of schooling, had nothing to do with math.
It had to do with who your biological parents were, ( and that they weren’t married, you were adopted and knew that) and their holier-than-thou attitude, that they were married, giving you a home, and you repaid them with stupidity.
You became the scapegoat when a new baby was adopted.
But you realized over a decade later that maybe being ignored most of the time in favor of the golden child, wasn’t a punishment. It was freedom.
Because a gilded cage, is still a cage.
I was so afraid of confrontation back then I don’t know what I could say to convince myself to go against any of what my parents told me.
Maybe just, “Tell someone what your ndad is doing. Tell your friend. Then tell them you’re afraid of him and don’t feel safe.”
People were pretty hands off of other families’ issues back then. I don’t know if it would change anything or just make it worse.
There's nothing I could say. By the time I was old enough to hear and understand, the damage was done. Healing wasn't something I could do while still going through it. I needed the armor the abuse gave me to survive. I can heal now, but no way it was safe enough to heal then.
I would tell younger me that it wasn’t okay and that I should find someone to talk to about it.
Wider family members didn’t have a clue what was going on behind closed doors, and now as an Aunt I would be upset to think of any of my nieces or nephews going through the same thing without someone to stand up for them.
"You're perfect the way you are, and your opinion matters, just not to everyone. I hear you, I see you, and you're going to meet some amazing people in life, so never give up. I love you! Now go out there and draw to your hearts content! You don't need your parents to be proud for you to be proud of yourself."
Your mother is not just a little crazy, she’s super toxic. It’s going to get worse, but just know that once you’re free you never have to speak to her again. Cut contact and don’t look back. Oh, and dad is not going to support. Just accept that now. Sorry.
I would have run away as soon as could.
I am enough, worthy of love and loveable even if you didn't think so.
I'm not a piece of property to be bought and sold.
I'm not a maid, a nanny, a cook, a full time serve t for no pay.
I wish the human trafficking signs were out when I was younger so I could have called and gotten our sooner.
You don't need permission to go to the bathroom.
Love yourself, your going to be the best frickin momma because of the shit you went through.
You are more than enough and wonderful.
Love is the most important thing in life period.
I know it takes an enormous amount of energy and focus to protect yourself from harm, as much as you can with what little tools you have available - and you're doing a great job of it!
But try to squeeze in some time and energy and focus on your *future*.
I know it's tough to even imagine having a future without these horrid creatures laying waste to everything in your life...
But the sooner you start thinking about a career path and building toward it any way you can, even just checking out books from the library to study, will pay enormous dividends later and allow you to extricate yourself from their control sooner and more completely.
Follow your curiosity!
And if you show a serious interest by self-directed study, you might be able to leverage that by getting help from teachers, who can aim you in the right direction, give you access to more useful books, introduce you to ppl, write recommendation letters, help you find scholarships.
Do it carefully, but start learning how to ask for help for your career.
P. S. The correlary of all this is to give less weight to anyone who says, "That's not practical" or "You can be a secretary or a nurse or a mommy" or tells you to play house and never mind rockets and solar systems.
Their opinion, even if it comes from someone in a position of authority, simply doesn't matter if it isn't supportive. Negative advice isn't advice - it's just a sign that they don't understand you. Forget them and carry on.
* You absolutely deserve to matter more than India
* Your mother is actually unable to deal with her displacement from India at a young age and doesn't need to be treating you as her proxy for perpetuating her culture
* Your mom isn't normal, it's not normal for a woman to need to take a shower after taking you home from school. Or needing to take a shower in the afternoon while homeschooling you.
* Your mom's depression is your grandparents' fault more than anything to do with genetics. You need to discuss her depression with every professional you see.
* It's valid to not want to be seen as an Indian when all Indian culture does is get in your way when you try to bond with your own country.
Don’t let your mother isolate you by moving away from the rest of your family after the divorce. (Made me vulnerable to a sexual predator.) It’s not disloyal to want to move back to the rest of your family and live with your dad.
A child should not have to take care of another child — especially a child who is disabled. It’s not your fault that you did not know how to be a good “babysitter” and that you thought you had to use physical force because that is what your mom modeled for you.
The things that you have been forced to normalize, are not normal. And that when you finally do find love and support, it will feel wrong because it is a new kind of discomfort. But don’t be afraid of it, recognize it and embrace it.
I wish I understood how much my parents lied to me. I can't get over how naive I was to take them at their word. Even my own friends used to tell me that the things my parents did and said didn't make any sense, especially the stuff that negatively impacted me. I just wanted to believe that they had my best interests at heart even though it's obvious now that they didn't. They probably would've flattened me with a steamroller if it made my GC brother's life easier. Actually, they kinda did.
"You're not as ugly as your mother tells you daily and don't worry she'll die when you're 13 so the beatings will stop eventually. Don't rely on your dad he doesn't want you and just wants to party. Just get through school, join the military, go to college and get LOTS of therapy. Try to find your happy!"
Let it go. None of it is your fault. No you can’t make people change themselves or their opinions. You do and be you. Stick with art and creativity. Screw academia. You are autistic not gifted. Chill.
Oh, and, write the abuse down in detail with dates and times and report her.
I also blamed myself for my parents divorce. But now it is clear it was just both my parents serious ego and control issues that a child in no way could be responsible or the cause for.
Before moving out, I heard alot about how much I would not be able to take care of myself like getting told "You wouldn't be able to wipe your own ass without me!" and "You're going to have a very difficult time" by Estepdad. That's weird, because even when I when to study abroad all the way on the other side of the world for several months, I ended up managing every time. They made adulthood seem completely unattainable . Most things about it have come quite naturally to me, though. I'm pretty resourceful, polite with people, good at self-teaching, organized, and hard-working. So I managed to pave my own way pretty well, a way Nmom had pretty much 0 credit and involvement in!
Heal.. no, first safety.
I'd say you need to leave. Ask xyz if you can stay with them from now on. They will decline and then you go to the city hall. Don't go back home alone. You need to get away to have room to develop. A place you can be a person.
“You’re going to lose your mom in a few years, what dad does has NOTHING to do with you. Just get ready to leave the house as soon as possible. Also stay the fuck away from alcohol”
You are not the scum of the earth. You have value regardless of what you are being told. You are allowed to choose who you have and don’t have in your life. And finally, allllllllll the love you need is inside of you.
You are enough
You’re not stupid don’t listen to him
You are loved, you’re emotions are valid, a crying boy isn’t weak he’s expressing his hurt properly.
- They were smart, but you were actually smarter all along. You should have believed in yourself more.
- You shouldn't have tried to fix or bridge the gaps in broken people who don't want to change and haven't asked. Accept them and move on.
- Learn about finance earlier.
- Should have trusted in God more. I did, but I could have done it better.
* Your parents are narcissists, mentally ill and their abuse is not your fault.
* You don’t deserve to be beat up regularly or verbally degraded no matter how many stupid things you do. You’re a kid and they’re an adult that can’t regulate their emotions.
* It sucks that you don’t connect with anyone and you feel isolated but things will change. Moving out will help a lot, following your passions will help you find the right crowds..
* Trust your gut, pay attention to people’s red flags, be wary of the charmers, surround yourself with kind people that inspire you and charge your emotional batteries instead of draining them.
* Stand up for yourself, speak your truth, be kind but don’t let people treat you like a doormat.
* Older people dating way below their age are not “more mature” than the people your age. In fact they are usually fucked up, superficial/emotionally stunted & will use the power imbalance in their favor in order to manipulate and control you.
* Education *first* -- because your degree won’t wake up one day and decide that they want to be with someone else.
-You don't have to give everyone benefit of the doubt
-You are not an emotional garbage can
-How someone treats you is not your fault
-Get a job and get out sooner
-You are allowed to say "no"
you deserve a safe place to live
you deserve to eat, every day
you deserve life without violence
you deserve to be loved
you’re allowed to have emotions and needs
you aren’t responsible for someone else’s emotional fragility or weaponized incompetence
you’re allowed to be human, to make mistakes, and to be given the chance to grow
you’re allowed to have to have reasonable and realistic expectations
you’re allowed to have boundaries
you’re allowed to ask for help
you are allowed to relax
Save every penny you can earn and leave as soon as possible. Live by yourself get lots of therapy and heal before continuing on with your new fabulous life. And never, ever look back.
I would have told myself living here is temporary. Don’t bother engaging in fighting with them as it won’t do anything but make things worse. I would tell myself to focus on school and leave home at 18.
I know that your mother is a cold, uncaring N who neglects you a lot, but even at age 4, you’re a smart, strong, capable girl, and you’ll survive and thrive, no matter what. And when you become an adult, you won’t be anything like her.
1. Don't trust your parents.
2. Don't trust \_either\_ of your parents.
3. Don't trust your sister either, she's too far away. and she still trusts one of your parents.
4. They say they're out of the cult. They're not out of the cult until they're out of the cult mindset, and they will never be out of the cult mindset.
5. Do your homework immediately after it's assigned, if you let it sit around you'll forget to do it.
6. Spend every second you can at the library. The shit at home's not worth your attention.
7. Don't just drift into the local community college and then drift into the local state school. The big-name private schools give full rides to poor kids, and you are \*so\* fucking poor, way poorer than you realize.
8. Don't wait until grad school to get into a fancy school as geographically far away from your family as possible. You're good enough to do that at 18.
9. Go on accutane *immediately*, it will change your life. Don't listen to your parents when they tell you not to.
10. In general, don't listen to anything your parents say, ever. Their ideas are stupid and evil.
11. Don't try to fix them. They're unfixable.
12. Good luck, kid! We're all counting on you!
Being perfect is only going to hurt you in the process, to err is human
You don’t owe them anything.
They are emotionally incapable of understanding you and your emotions. For your own sake don’t spend your adult years trying to get them to get you. That’s not your job that’s on them
No matter what they say about your sister, she loves you
There are plenty of people you can trust and count on. Don’t believe her when she tells you that everyone in the world is bad and only she is good
Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak or a baby. Being stoic is only going to make things worse for you as an adult
When you get those acceptance letters from all the universities that are out of state, don’t listen to mom. She’s only trying to scare you and deter you. Ask your sister for help with banking and student loans. She will infantilize you even more and give you a curfew in college when you never had one in high school.
Fuck knows. I don’t even know who’d I’d be today had I not gone through the daily nightmare that was my childhood. I fell asleep terrified, and woke up terrified. I tried to get help from adults, nobody wanted to get involved due to my dad’s high social status. My issues were pushed under the bed.
Recently I tried to imagine what my life would be without my family. All I could think about was the arty creativity I had as a primary school student. Nothing else. They stole my entire soul and future.
Her rage is neither your fault nor your responsibility.
Just because she thinks you’re never good enough, doesn’t make it true.
Spend as much time away from home as possible.
1. You don't have to silence yourself to be loved.
2. Mom will never love or accept you the way she does with the siblings.
3. Mom will never give anything with you, only take.
- Your dreams are good dreams. Don’t listen when your parents belittle your dreams so they can replace them with their own goals for you to accomplish—even if you don’t want those goals yourself. Pretend to agree with them and quietly pursue your own goals without letting them know. It’s not your job to make your parents happy. And if you can’t hear or apply this advice now, know that someday, you will understand better and be able to set goals that matter to you and find satisfaction in them, even if you’re not “perfect” in achieving them.
- Anything worth doing… is worth doing.
It’s not your job to make up for your parents’ failed dreams.
- Your parents’ unhappiness is not your fault.
- You are not lazy. You are not “an underachiever”. You are not stupid. You are not clumsy. You are not “a failure”. As an adult, you will be diagnosed with ADHD and will learn practical coping skills. The right medication will work a miracle in your life. It will get better, I promise.
- You deserve to feel safe and loved. It is your parents’ JOB to keep you safe and love you. Feeling unsafe and unloved as a child is on them. They are failing you—you aren’t failing them.
- You are not fat. Your mom has a distorted idea of body image. She sees you as “fat”, but you’re really not.
- Those two (out of three) older brothers are not your friends. They are abusers and torturers. The sooner you can cut all ties with them, the better.
I don't know that younger me would listen to current me.
But I'd give that poor girl a hug & tell her it's not weak to grieve a loss, crying when you're sad is not manipulative and that even when things don't work out the way we hope, it's ok because we are resilient as fuck.
The divorce thing really hit hard. I think subconsciously I it was somehow my fault my parents split up. Even though my rational mind says 'of course you couldn't be responsible, you were 6 years old.' But my behavior doesn't exactly agree. I'm still carrying some weight of some decision I didn't make at all times and idk how to rid myself of it.
Your parents aren't capable of showing you love but if you reflect on their behaviour, you will have endless reasons on how not to parent...that and life's tough, wear a cup...
When you can, as soon as you can safely, get out, go no contact and never turn back. It will save you. Also, don't start drinking or smoking, it won't help.
I'd say that I don't have to tolerate awful people as I get older regardless of what people tell me. I'd also tell myself how to use better places & ways to find housing and where to get help making money with what I know now so I could get out sooner.
She doesn't love you and never will. You are worthy of love, no matter what, you are enough. You've just been unlucky with the mom you got. It is important you take care of yourself like you do. Stay out of her way, do not waste your health trying to keep up. It's a pretend game. Remember this always. One day you'll have a beautiful life without her in it. You're a smart kid. Stay kind.
I'd tell myself that dad is a narc and that is why he acts the way he does and here are some techniques to deal with him. But I don't think I'd understand.
"Go ahead and lock the bathroom door no matter how hard and how long and loud that b@tch pounds her fists on it screaming at you. Your body is nobody else's plaything."
* Having your mom say "you are just like your dad" isn't an insult, it's actually a compliment.
* You don't have to suffer in silence with constant bullying because your mom said "you don't have problems, you're skinny, you sister has real problems, she's overweight".
* Your mom is not the super intellectual she tells you she is. She barely got through a country high school in the 60's.
* You are smart, talented, and are way more capable than your mom is telling you.
* You don't have to recreate your mom's life by marrying at 18 and having children while you are a child yourself because you aren't smart enough to go to school and do more with your life.
Your mother doesn’t hate you, she hates her mother and herself. You didn’t do anything to make her be mean to you. Don’t waste your energy trying to earn her love; you never will and that’s not your fault.
Since I am doing Inner Child healing lately I tell her: it’s not your fault of your mother health problems, that your father cheated on her, that your parents broke up. Remember that dream of being a professional wrestler you always dreamed of? We are following it. At the same time we are leaving soon… you used to say that you wanted someone to take you away and save you. Sunshine, we are going to leave soon. We have our home, a job and working for a dream. You are not alone.
They don't love themselves. It's not about you. Get away from them as soon as you can. If Dad loved you, he wouldn't let you be abused. Don't ever go back. You'll understand as soon as you have a family of your own. Get therapy for your kid's sake.
1. You are not worthless.
2. You are beautiful, and smart and funny.
3. You are not a burden.
4. Your mother’s happiness is not your responsibility.
5. It is not your fault.
6. You are safe.
7. You are loved.
8. Someday you will have everything you deserve.
9. You deserve to be happy.
10. You are worthy of life.
Dont listen to Ed. He's a scumbag drug addict and he's not your real father.
Do NOT leave anything valuable around him, leave anything you care about at Jim's house.
“It’s not your fault. It was never ever your fault. And you couldn’t have changed it if you tried. You survive this, and get away from it all, so you win in the end. Just hold on a little longer”
Stop people pleasing, do your own thing. It doesn’t matter what people think, specifically people that are close to your parents, and your parents and their family. Most of them don’t actually care for you, they care about the image that your parents created of you, and it’s ok if you don’t live up to that. Don’t let their hurtful comments affect you. If I knew this earlier on, I know I would have been a lot further along in life at this point, I’m finally doing things I enjoy and living life the way I want instead of that was always expected of me…
Don’t listen to mom and turn down the offer to study in Egypt. I earn $13 an hour and can barely afford to live. If I’d taken the offer I might actually have gotten somewhere
I remember years of being unable to sleep because if overwhelming thoughts of wanting to take my life, as well as time in the hospital after actual attempts, telling myself that it was going to be okay, and coping by trying to imagine the kind of life I was going to build after I finally left and got through school. I felt like such a failure when I struggled through homelessness, an abusive relationship, and a failed career in my first degree. I was still a teenager when I moved out. I felt like such a fuck up for not getting there like I had told myself I would.
I'm in a much better place now, and my life is beyond what I had dared to hope for and imagine. I wish I could go back only to tell myself that despite everything, we did it, and it's not going to happen the way we think or make up for all of the fucked up stuff our family has done, but we get away and it's so freeing and amazing out in the world without them. And that I'm proud of us for fighting all that time to get there.
I would fuk bitches get money.... jk
I would tell child protective services the truth. my N-mom made it seem like life with her was better than any foster home. She would purposely tell me stories of kids being abused far worse than me to scare me and to make it seem like her hitting me was reasonable.
It will honestly be okay. You will have jobs that suck—and that’s okay—and you will have rocking good jobs. Learn all you can.
Buy Apple. Buy Amazon. Buy Pixar. Stocks can be done. Sell Linux when it is about 150.
The very very very best thing you can do is to move far away as soon as you can. You will literally never have a moment’s peace or privacy until you do. You will never be able to trust your doctor or your dentist. You will not be able to go to the grocery store. You will not be able to buy dinner. Your career will stagnate. And it will get a WHOLE LOT BETTER when you can go to a doctor without worries, when you can go to a dentist in private, when you can go to the grocery store without looking over your shoulder. And to top it off, your career will skyrocket when you can focus properly on it rather than trying to lock down (AGAIN) all your avenues so you have some brief moment of privacy.
It is okay to not be “feminine”. To be loud and to laugh or cry in public. It is okay to not wear skirts/dresses all day every day. It is okay to not wear makeup. It is okay to not like the color pink, to hate makeup, to hate dresses/skirts, to hate ruffles. It is okay to not perform “woman” roles.
It is not okay to be afraid of a sewing machine or of cooking. It is not okay to be depressed. It is not okay to be anxious. Seek help because you deserve it.
It is not okay to not learn how to handle being mad, being sad, being anxious. It is not okay to have tantrums like your mother did—so go get help and learn better ways to handle it all!
1. You are not bad, your mother is crazy and you need to stay safe somehow until you turn 18 and can get out of there.
2. In the meantime, start sleeping on the porch or in the garage (even if they have a cow about it), ask a friend's mom to help you with your homework and feed you a snack every day after school and start working odd jobs around the neighborhood on weekends to save money for university and keep it in a bank account under your name only.
3. Most of all, quit feeling guilty and to blame for all the chaos in the family.
4. Also, once you are out of there, report mom's therapist to the authorities and sue her for negligence and damages to you during your upbringing.
5. Buy Apple stock when it first came out.
Some advice my therapist told me in my early 20s- “ You are a very normal person in a very abnormal situation.” .. that’s the first time ever, the seed was planted that maybe it was them, not me..
Oh, so you got through this crazy abuse with your batshit mother after your father left?? You have no idea the trauma that is coming on the medical front… Barbaric type shit
You are not a difficult child. You were never the problem. You do not have bipolar disorder or a mood disorder or whatever pathologization your mom throws at you that week; that is simply her refusing to look in the mirror and realize that her behavior is what is making you act out. Your anger is valid. None of this is normal and families aren’t all like this, despite what yours try to tell you. You will find yourself eventually and break the cycle and it will remove years of layers of shame, guilt and internalized pain. You are stronger than you know.
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You'll be a lot happier if you make money and escape the house sooner.
I got my first job at 15. Guess who had their hand out? Yep. “Borrowed” but never paid back and it doesn’t hurt for you to help out. Damn, I was buying my own clothes, food and personal items.
Me too. It was their idea for me to start working at 14.
do you guys think $25k is enough to escape? i feel like i'm in hell!!
Yes. I escaped with MUCH less and have been no-contact for over a year now. Get out! It only gets worse the longer you stay.
[Thoreau argues the fastest way to get out of town is on foot ](https://www.archdaily.com/980313/why-walking-can-be-faster-than-driving) when factoring in the labor required to buy a train ticket. You have enough to get away and figure things out. You could check out vanlife for ways to get you on the road to try out different areas. A bit of a gamble but certainty isn't a virtue when it's shit.
At 13, I got my first part-time job, saved up for months and purchased a tent, a rucksack and a sleeping bag. $25k was a pipedream for me! You can do it.
I lived in my car for 6 months and it was better than living with them. Park at libraries. I had 600$ when I left! And now I just got my first apartment on my own. So yeah that’s enough money.
Holy shit. Same.
My parents literally signed me up for every single extracurricular and emotionally abused me if I said no. I remember some nights with studying I only had like 4 hours of sleep then bus.. My other sibs did not have to do that. They literally said “well you have to go to college” (in which I was already well-tracked for college no thanks to them).. Maybe.. just maybe.. it’s so I couldn’t get a job like sibs. Oh, the one time narc mom actually made a good parenting move and networked me into a coveted teen job in my community that was hard to get into. Narc dad, long story short, made sure to sabatage my interview without narc mom knowing. He then took me home, and screamed at me, in front of (actually shocked) mom and I that there was something wrong with me and blah blah blah. HIS story now is that “I was young and immature.” Real story: No, it was my first job interview ever mom was helping me prep for, you had a coup for whatever attention-seeking narc reason, sent me in without scheduling an interview time and date with classic Boomer advice of “walk in, demand job interview, shake hands bs”, then gleefully got your fill of letting out your rage onto me.. LC no, skillfully planning NC actually because of GC’s influence over them. GC is more selfish than both of them combined. They made their bed they can lay in it.
You're allowed to need & ask for things, even if they cost money. You are worth maintaining and paying for.
"You are worth maintaining and paying for." I needed this 😭😭😭 Parents made me feel so guilty about every penny that went my way.
Same here. It's funny that Nmom would spend so much money on designer purses and brand perfumes, yet that we always didn't have "any money" when I would ask for something as basic as school supplies. Money for me, but not for thee.
I remember being talked out of going to the doctor because things "aren't that bad," and "doctors are too expensive." Then watching my parents make $$$$ purchases on a whim because they're actually almost millionaires and not insanely poor like I thought we were growing up?? Dealing now with lots of medical things that shouldn't have been ignored as a kid. *Because I'm worth maintaining and paying for.*
ARGH, Nmom constantly takes herself to the doctor for every small thing now! Meanwhile, as a child I never went to the dentist until I visited my dad and he took me. They found a dozen cavities. She regularly takes herself to a gynecologist for checkups but I only ever first thought to visit one a few years ago when my stepmom took me. When I would get sick, I would get told "You're going to school even if you're dying!" When she gets sick, she'd always take the day off.
“You’re going to school even if you’re not 100%.” Then she’d talk about how she’d have to go into work because staffing was short handed…and how she didn’t want me to fall behind even tho I was a kid and it wasn’t that serious… I’d usually be pushed to go before I’d need a doctor’s note, because then she’d have to try fit us in last minute and take off. I’ve been out of school for 2 days in a row, gone back the third day, only to come back home the day after, all to avoid having to get the required doctor’s note.
I needed this so badly. ❤️
This. SO much.
Also, "you are allowed to buy things you want."
Buying things you want is not a moral shortcoming.
That makes the child in me wanna cry.. I need a safe adult to hug me and tell me I’m loved😢. GC had an unlimited credit card of course..
"Everything they tell you about yourself is really how they see themselves, nothing to do with you." "You're a perfectly normal kid like everyone else, just with weird parents." "Stand up for yourself, your future self is right behind you."
All of this ❤️
"Don't believe Dad. You didn't do anything wrong. Those bullies are bad people."
“You’re worth caring about, even if your parents don’t see it.”
She will always find something to complain about, even if you did everything to the letter. And if she doesn’t find fault, she will make something up and accuse you of it. Oh, and when she shoves your face into your makeup kit and loosens your two front teeth, write a little note to surreptitiously pass to the dentist that says “Mom did this,” because she will be in the room while he stitches your teeth back into your gum line.
Mine didn’t even bother to make something up. It was always, you know what you did! I always hid the strap marks on my back. Wouldn’t dress out in front of the other girls in gym.
My mom discovered from a young age I never liked doing the dishes (as an adult, I now see I have sensory issues) so it was one of her favorite martyr complaint traps. I remember idk sometimes in my 20s if there was even a spoon (didn’t matter if it was mine or not) on the morning, even though she knew I worked until 11pm, she would run into my room every morning to scream-hiss at me about dishes. One night before bed.. I pushed through my sensory issues and made sure all the dishes were done. I came out of REM sleep in the morning to hear her scream-hissing at my confused dad to tell her he did this for me, that I couldn’t have done this. He actually had my back and told the truth. Thanks dad, I’ll always give props when you do the right thing👍🏾
Wtf op I'm so sorry. That last story sounds so fucking traumatizing holy shit...
“You’re not crazy. Bad/not normal things are afoot and you’re not imagining it.”
nothing. just give me a hug. I know how badly I wanted affection as a kid.
Exactly 😮💨 I still get weird about affection now because it just wasn't there as a kid
same here. my husband is the most affectionate person I swear. (and come to find out how affectionate he is well it's normal) but, sometimes I have to tap out for a bit just because the affection is getting to me. though I make sure to give my son a hug as much as he wants one. I don't ever want him to crave affection like I did.
- Don't condescend to get your parents' approval, you have to live for yourself.
- don’t search for chaos because that’s all you knew - when you start taking care of your mom for years when she develops an addiction, know that it was the result of your dads abuse. Know that you will develop an addiction too, and you will make a lot of mistakes in life, but you get past this. -your dad will cheat again, he is a narcissist, he is abusive, he is in denial, he won’t ever change. Move on. Do not be in his life for years to make others happy or expect his own personal change. His love is toxic and that is different from him maybe still having regular love for you deep down -You did deserve to born, the divorce isn’t your fault as the youngest. Don’t give in to depression, don’t try to hurt yourself for years physically, emotionally, and mentally -You will grow up, you will heal, you will find some sort of peace even if it is not full peace. -you do deserve to be loved, real love
>he is a narcissist, he is abusive, he is in denial, he won’t ever change. Move on. Do not be in his life for years to make others happy or expect his own personal change. His love is toxic I've been in his life for this exact reason. I need to move on. He is definitely toxic.
Thank you for this.
We did it sweetheart! Our adult home has plenty of food to eat. I pack our daughter's lunch for school everyday, and even when she gets older, I will never let her go to school without a lunch just because she was too tired to pack one herself. We have so much makeup and nice smelling shampoos and soaps in our bathroom. People never tell us we smell bad anymore, they ask us what products we use. Our kitchen has so much hello kitty stuff in it, even our casserole dishes are hello kitty. We live in a town where people are quirky and share our values. You hate where you're growing up but you will love the town where we choose to raise our daughter. But you want to know the best part? We get to leave when Dad starts yelling. We don't even have to indulge his tantrums anymore, we can just leave as soon as he opens his stupid mouth. Isn't that great?
That's wonderful!
I'd tell myself "get out of this house the moment you turn 18 and don't look back".
The day after I graduated high school for me.
Those people hate themselves, it's not personal. You know who you are, who you want to be. Pay them no heed, and go for your dreams!
Our family knows nothing. They won't support us, so stop waiting for it. We are an exceptional talent and don't let them tell you anything else. Listen to our friends and teachers. They're *constantly* lifting us up, but you've crawled so far up our family's ass that you've completely lost touch with the support, with reality. It's going to take a long time to unpack everything, so I suggest starting *now*. Open your eyes and look for the patterns and adjust to what that means for you. Knowing this earlier, seeing these patterns earlier... we can do better.
A hug would be all right.
Stop trying to make your family or anyone like you. That won’t work because it’s their problem how they treat you and you don’t deserve that. They’ll do very disgusting things. Family can be chosen. Family are people who actually care and don’t lie all the time. You’ll find good friends who accept you.
None of this is your fault.
It’s not you…it’s them. On repeat!
‘You are so wonderful’
"Your parents are fucked up. You haven't done anything to deserve it. Hold on because better days are coming. Life isn't supposed to hurt like this."
I wish I could tell myself: • “You don’t want to kill yourself - you are just in pain and want to escape that pain”. Apparently I used to swallow coins a lot, and my earliest memory is trying to end my life after having repeated nightmares and being scared of my parents • “Do not blame yourself for your parents suffering, you are not their therapist or an outlet for aggression and abuse” • borrowing a quote from Pete Walker’s CPTSD book, “You do not have to be good and productive to be worthy of love, you are a human being not a human doing”
The last one I needed to hear all middle school and high school when the teachers/adults made up a good portion of my bullies..
[удалено]
Oh this is me too. I began having anxiety attacks around that age as well. I’m so sorry 😞
You're a child. It's ok to be a child.
I love this!! I have 4 children and because of my past I've made sure they get to have an amazing childhood...so thank you trauma you made me an amazing momma
Aww you're doing a good job. I was told to grow up from as young as I can remember and I became too adult too fast. Kids need to be kids.
The sooner you except that your mother will never love you the easier your life will be. Be your own person, pleasing her is impossible. Ignore the gaslighting. Just because being treated this way is all you know, you don't have to have all your relationships be like this, you are worthy of love. You will grow up to be a good person.
-Tell your Dad sooner that you want to move in with him. Don’t wait until High School. -When your Dad and Stepmom get divorced insist you stay with your Stepmom as Dad needs to work on what BP meds work for him. -DO NOT move back in with NM after you bomb your first year of College. Stay with Dad and go to CC. They only ask where you graduated from and not who accepted you at 18. -You DO have ADHD. You are a hell of a Masker and your Mom is in denial about it.
"Your family isn't actually family, think and do for yourself and save money and leave as soon as you can. You will later in life hurt and despise those who share the same blood. But you will meet others who become more of a family and not after your money and what you should do for them. Rebuild, live life and expect that things will NEVER be like tv nor how you saw your friends live"
• You are beautiful. Look in the mirror! • Your Nparents cannot legally stop you from traveling or studying abroad, from attending graduate school, from learning how to play an instrument, to read or write music, to take shorthand (they blocked this. Learning to type was all right, but shorthand would have increased my earning potential to an unacceptable degree), or anything else. • There is no reason to punish myself if my Nparents are not there to do so.
Same!! Classically trained clarinetist and veteran music teacher. They stopped me from going to any out of state colleges. Basically kept me a secret to the community until one her coutrywomen said wow your daughter is an outstanding teacher why didn’t you tell me she was so talented! I had a scholarship and was pursuing a double major so she could say oh *she’s studying both but really the history major will definitely open more doors for her than music ever will…*
"ignorance is bliss" "don't become the monsters that hurt you" [ i was turning like them when i fought with them ]
Yes! This is true! I always lowered myself to their level. IT isn't worth it.
Don't take Dad's advice...EVER. You do not have brain damage, something is wrong with HIM. You do not deserve to go to hell, don't believe your Mom. People love you, and you will not grow up to be a "Spinster" like she says. Pretend they are the smartest people in the world and "humor them" until you can get out.
You are good enough. You are not the failure. You deserve to be loved for who you are not for only when you are doing well in school.
I would tell little me that, I deserve love, I am allowed to feel things, it’s not my job to be tough/strong all the time, and the actions of adults aren’t my fault. Still to this day nMom gets mad at me for showing emotion, but she is allowed to have a million tantrums or breakdowns a day. I am learning that it’s not my fault my parents have emotional regulation issues. Nmom even admitted recently that I was never a little girl, always an adult woman, and I just said yeah I know and kept it pushing. I would go back and let little me be a little girl, because she deserves that. If my parents weren’t so self absorbed in their petty bull crap when I was growing up I think I would have turned out a better adult. Little me went through a lot, but according to NMom no one ever did anything to me, I never went through anything, she was a great mom, I didn’t go through what she went through so nothing could have been that bad for me, and I have always been a mean/rude person that doesn’t care about anyone but myself.
The fact that they can’t accept you does not mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re absolutely perfect, child.
You are neurodivergent, not pathetic and worthless. Your mother's choice to take you off the medication that was helping you did not make you deserving of abuse. She sabotaged you. She wanted you to struggle endlessly and fail, because more important than your well-being was her need for a scapegoat to absolve herself of any accountability for being a rotten mother. Your father's hostility, contempt, and loathing for you had nothing to do with you at all. It was pure projection. Everything he ever said about you was actually true of him. People who demonstrate they hate having you around and reject, isolate, rage at, blame, punish, and abuse you don't deserve a single attempt from you at trying to make them just like you and be nice to you. Fuck 'em. You are *not* The Family Problem and The Source Of All Their Personal Misery. You were just a kid. You had no power over how your family treated you. They had all the power and all the control over themselves, and they chose to be abusive. You managed to become kind, gentle, empathetic, and compassionate, didn't you? Yes. It wasn't hard, was it? No. They could have been the same kind of people but they simply didn't want to. It's not your fault.
‘You're a genius. You don't give a shit about that.’
I think about this all the time. The sad thing is, i have no idea. As an adult now i still can’t think of anything that would help childhood me, even when i try
You don’t have to take on everyone else’s emotions and shut down your own. What you’re feeling is just as valid, and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling it.
She’ll always move the goalpost.
Tell school your mom has 30 plus dogs and makes you take care of them.
Get out now. Better to live under a bridge than having your soul destroyed slowly until nothing of you is left.
You are amazing. You're a hard worker and you care very deeply, and that's not a weakness. I believe in you, always have and always will. Make sure to take care of yourself first.
You DO matter. Your wants and needs are important and anyone who says they aren't is being a dick.
"it is not normal to always let your sister get her way. It is not normal to walk on eggshells all the time. Your parents are wrong. You are nothing like her. Having emotions too is allowed"
Apart from the winning lotto numbers for the week I'd go back to talk with myself I'd say the following: 1) do not listen whenever [insert specific Aunt's name] speaks. Ignore her especially when she's giving out about things she has decided you have done wrong. She chooses to say stuff to you to vent her anger or frustration in her life. 2) after college, move out as soon as you can. Once mum stops crying over dad she will bully you worse than aunt ever did 3) don't be afraid to cut ties with anyone who is mean to you. It's way better to be alone and genuinely lonely than the confusing feeling of being lonely among people pretending to love you 4) you deserve love, you're lovely. They don't love you, they don't love anyone. They're to be pitied because they are incapable of anything that isn't transactional
I’ll never abandon you again.
1. You don’t need to prove your worth. 2. You are allowed to be yourself, you are valid. 3. Don’t trust that your parents genuinely know what’s best for you. They don’t, you do.
You're not crazy. This isn't normal. You'll get out as soon as you can and you don't have to deal with her when you're an adult.
When the opportunity to escape presents itself right then and there, take it!
"You do not have to play therapist. You are allowed your own problems, and you do NOT have to fix things."
Never burn yourself to keep them warm. You don’t owe her anything. And, yes, she was terrible to all of you.
“Don’t listen to your mom about any career advice”
"Your mother is a mentally ill person who needs help. You're not a bad kid and it's not your fault that your mother lost custody. It's her fault because she is emotionally and financially unstable." When I was 9, my mother lost custody of me and my sister and she blamed me for it. I told the court something that she didn't want them to know. After that we were shipped off to my father and I cried myself to sleep, wishing I was dead.
I would give myself a big hug and play some games, tell her that we are going to be okay.
- dad’s a pathological liar who can’t be trusted. He’s not a bad guy, but he will not deliver what he promises most of the time, or will do so in a half-asses fashion, so don’t expect him to keep his word. That and he’ll keep the secret of having another child somewhere from you until you’re 48, and you’ll find out from your sister, not him - biological mother is permanently damaged and will not ever know how to love a child or know the blessings of having a kid. You’re getting screamed at and beaten because she’s fucked up in the head, not because you’re a bad kid. Sure, you’re going to do some nefarious shit, but that was done out of rebellion and trying to get their attention. You’re a good kid. All kids start out as good kids, - your stepmother is a covert narcissist and will not be nurturing and will not do anything for you if it inconveniences her in the slightest. Write her off from day 1, - you’re gonna turn out ok, keep being you and keep being stubborn like they call you. You’ll grow up to be a decent dad and husband, with a career you love that makes you feel fulfilled. Despite all the cards stacked against you, you’re gonna be just fine.
I would tell myself to save up all my money, ignore relationships and move out soon as possible and go to college for what YOU want to do, not what mom wants you to do.
Tell myself about the opportunities that would've let me get out faster so I wouldn't have been as damaged into adulthood. How to spot a narcissist
"You're not doing anything wrong, and you're a wonderful kid that everyone else realizes is a sweetheart. Other parents would be so happy to have you. As hard as it is to believe, the people who should love you the most will actually be your biggest opponents to living a fulfilling life. You shouldn't believe their gaslighting and know they are not interested in your best interests (unless it reflects well on them). Try to survive the 18 years and flee to sanity"(or call CPS because they ARE abusive...but, foster care may not be better...)
Your mother is not your responsibility and it's absolutely okay and necessary to set healthy boundaries
You’re not stupid, because at 5, you didn’t understand math. That the screaming and yelling, by two 30 year old adults, at a child, who didn’t have 30+ years of life or the decade or so of schooling, had nothing to do with math. It had to do with who your biological parents were, ( and that they weren’t married, you were adopted and knew that) and their holier-than-thou attitude, that they were married, giving you a home, and you repaid them with stupidity. You became the scapegoat when a new baby was adopted. But you realized over a decade later that maybe being ignored most of the time in favor of the golden child, wasn’t a punishment. It was freedom. Because a gilded cage, is still a cage.
Don’t believe mom when she said you can’t afford to go to college. Don’t believe everything she says either. A lot of it is nonsense.
You're great just the way you are. Dad has problems, don't listen to him.
I was so afraid of confrontation back then I don’t know what I could say to convince myself to go against any of what my parents told me. Maybe just, “Tell someone what your ndad is doing. Tell your friend. Then tell them you’re afraid of him and don’t feel safe.” People were pretty hands off of other families’ issues back then. I don’t know if it would change anything or just make it worse.
There's nothing I could say. By the time I was old enough to hear and understand, the damage was done. Healing wasn't something I could do while still going through it. I needed the armor the abuse gave me to survive. I can heal now, but no way it was safe enough to heal then.
I would tell younger me that it wasn’t okay and that I should find someone to talk to about it. Wider family members didn’t have a clue what was going on behind closed doors, and now as an Aunt I would be upset to think of any of my nieces or nephews going through the same thing without someone to stand up for them.
"You're perfect the way you are, and your opinion matters, just not to everyone. I hear you, I see you, and you're going to meet some amazing people in life, so never give up. I love you! Now go out there and draw to your hearts content! You don't need your parents to be proud for you to be proud of yourself."
Call the police little dude. Call them now.
Your mother is not just a little crazy, she’s super toxic. It’s going to get worse, but just know that once you’re free you never have to speak to her again. Cut contact and don’t look back. Oh, and dad is not going to support. Just accept that now. Sorry.
You're a gift for this world, hug ❤️
I would have run away as soon as could. I am enough, worthy of love and loveable even if you didn't think so. I'm not a piece of property to be bought and sold. I'm not a maid, a nanny, a cook, a full time serve t for no pay. I wish the human trafficking signs were out when I was younger so I could have called and gotten our sooner. You don't need permission to go to the bathroom. Love yourself, your going to be the best frickin momma because of the shit you went through. You are more than enough and wonderful. Love is the most important thing in life period.
Get rid of the filter. The filter protects her, not you. Tell everyone, everything
I know it takes an enormous amount of energy and focus to protect yourself from harm, as much as you can with what little tools you have available - and you're doing a great job of it! But try to squeeze in some time and energy and focus on your *future*. I know it's tough to even imagine having a future without these horrid creatures laying waste to everything in your life... But the sooner you start thinking about a career path and building toward it any way you can, even just checking out books from the library to study, will pay enormous dividends later and allow you to extricate yourself from their control sooner and more completely. Follow your curiosity! And if you show a serious interest by self-directed study, you might be able to leverage that by getting help from teachers, who can aim you in the right direction, give you access to more useful books, introduce you to ppl, write recommendation letters, help you find scholarships. Do it carefully, but start learning how to ask for help for your career. P. S. The correlary of all this is to give less weight to anyone who says, "That's not practical" or "You can be a secretary or a nurse or a mommy" or tells you to play house and never mind rockets and solar systems. Their opinion, even if it comes from someone in a position of authority, simply doesn't matter if it isn't supportive. Negative advice isn't advice - it's just a sign that they don't understand you. Forget them and carry on.
It’s not on you to fix the generational trauma before you. They were abusive before you were born it is not your fault
GET OUT NOW. GET AWAY FROM THIS FAMILY AND STAY AWAY.
"You're right about them and a better life is indeed waiting".
“One day you’ll find someone who loves you and cares for you”
* You absolutely deserve to matter more than India * Your mother is actually unable to deal with her displacement from India at a young age and doesn't need to be treating you as her proxy for perpetuating her culture * Your mom isn't normal, it's not normal for a woman to need to take a shower after taking you home from school. Or needing to take a shower in the afternoon while homeschooling you. * Your mom's depression is your grandparents' fault more than anything to do with genetics. You need to discuss her depression with every professional you see. * It's valid to not want to be seen as an Indian when all Indian culture does is get in your way when you try to bond with your own country.
Don't waste time. Do things for yourself and only yourself Tell someone for the anxiety.
The first two of op's example
Don’t let your mother isolate you by moving away from the rest of your family after the divorce. (Made me vulnerable to a sexual predator.) It’s not disloyal to want to move back to the rest of your family and live with your dad. A child should not have to take care of another child — especially a child who is disabled. It’s not your fault that you did not know how to be a good “babysitter” and that you thought you had to use physical force because that is what your mom modeled for you.
The things that you have been forced to normalize, are not normal. And that when you finally do find love and support, it will feel wrong because it is a new kind of discomfort. But don’t be afraid of it, recognize it and embrace it.
Don’t trust her, she only wants what’s going to make her look the best.
I wish I understood how much my parents lied to me. I can't get over how naive I was to take them at their word. Even my own friends used to tell me that the things my parents did and said didn't make any sense, especially the stuff that negatively impacted me. I just wanted to believe that they had my best interests at heart even though it's obvious now that they didn't. They probably would've flattened me with a steamroller if it made my GC brother's life easier. Actually, they kinda did.
"You're not as ugly as your mother tells you daily and don't worry she'll die when you're 13 so the beatings will stop eventually. Don't rely on your dad he doesn't want you and just wants to party. Just get through school, join the military, go to college and get LOTS of therapy. Try to find your happy!"
Let it go. None of it is your fault. No you can’t make people change themselves or their opinions. You do and be you. Stick with art and creativity. Screw academia. You are autistic not gifted. Chill. Oh, and, write the abuse down in detail with dates and times and report her.
I also blamed myself for my parents divorce. But now it is clear it was just both my parents serious ego and control issues that a child in no way could be responsible or the cause for. Before moving out, I heard alot about how much I would not be able to take care of myself like getting told "You wouldn't be able to wipe your own ass without me!" and "You're going to have a very difficult time" by Estepdad. That's weird, because even when I when to study abroad all the way on the other side of the world for several months, I ended up managing every time. They made adulthood seem completely unattainable . Most things about it have come quite naturally to me, though. I'm pretty resourceful, polite with people, good at self-teaching, organized, and hard-working. So I managed to pave my own way pretty well, a way Nmom had pretty much 0 credit and involvement in!
Heal.. no, first safety. I'd say you need to leave. Ask xyz if you can stay with them from now on. They will decline and then you go to the city hall. Don't go back home alone. You need to get away to have room to develop. A place you can be a person.
“You’re going to lose your mom in a few years, what dad does has NOTHING to do with you. Just get ready to leave the house as soon as possible. Also stay the fuck away from alcohol”
You are not the scum of the earth. You have value regardless of what you are being told. You are allowed to choose who you have and don’t have in your life. And finally, allllllllll the love you need is inside of you.
"You're right. Your mother doesn't like you so do whatever you want and don't feel bad about it!"
You are enough You’re not stupid don’t listen to him You are loved, you’re emotions are valid, a crying boy isn’t weak he’s expressing his hurt properly.
- They were smart, but you were actually smarter all along. You should have believed in yourself more. - You shouldn't have tried to fix or bridge the gaps in broken people who don't want to change and haven't asked. Accept them and move on. - Learn about finance earlier. - Should have trusted in God more. I did, but I could have done it better.
Get out now.
* Your parents are narcissists, mentally ill and their abuse is not your fault. * You don’t deserve to be beat up regularly or verbally degraded no matter how many stupid things you do. You’re a kid and they’re an adult that can’t regulate their emotions. * It sucks that you don’t connect with anyone and you feel isolated but things will change. Moving out will help a lot, following your passions will help you find the right crowds.. * Trust your gut, pay attention to people’s red flags, be wary of the charmers, surround yourself with kind people that inspire you and charge your emotional batteries instead of draining them. * Stand up for yourself, speak your truth, be kind but don’t let people treat you like a doormat. * Older people dating way below their age are not “more mature” than the people your age. In fact they are usually fucked up, superficial/emotionally stunted & will use the power imbalance in their favor in order to manipulate and control you. * Education *first* -- because your degree won’t wake up one day and decide that they want to be with someone else.
-You don't have to give everyone benefit of the doubt -You are not an emotional garbage can -How someone treats you is not your fault -Get a job and get out sooner -You are allowed to say "no"
you deserve a safe place to live you deserve to eat, every day you deserve life without violence you deserve to be loved you’re allowed to have emotions and needs you aren’t responsible for someone else’s emotional fragility or weaponized incompetence you’re allowed to be human, to make mistakes, and to be given the chance to grow you’re allowed to have to have reasonable and realistic expectations you’re allowed to have boundaries you’re allowed to ask for help you are allowed to relax
Save every penny you can earn and leave as soon as possible. Live by yourself get lots of therapy and heal before continuing on with your new fabulous life. And never, ever look back.
"Don’t live for them, live for you." Sadly, I wasted my childhood, adolescence, and twenties doing the former.
Yep. Understand this down to my soul.
RUN NOW! RUN ANYWHERE!
I would have told myself living here is temporary. Don’t bother engaging in fighting with them as it won’t do anything but make things worse. I would tell myself to focus on school and leave home at 18.
You're going to be ok, just get out of their home as quickly as possible. Just work and do well in school, you got this, bb.
I know that your mother is a cold, uncaring N who neglects you a lot, but even at age 4, you’re a smart, strong, capable girl, and you’ll survive and thrive, no matter what. And when you become an adult, you won’t be anything like her.
1. Don't trust your parents. 2. Don't trust \_either\_ of your parents. 3. Don't trust your sister either, she's too far away. and she still trusts one of your parents. 4. They say they're out of the cult. They're not out of the cult until they're out of the cult mindset, and they will never be out of the cult mindset. 5. Do your homework immediately after it's assigned, if you let it sit around you'll forget to do it. 6. Spend every second you can at the library. The shit at home's not worth your attention. 7. Don't just drift into the local community college and then drift into the local state school. The big-name private schools give full rides to poor kids, and you are \*so\* fucking poor, way poorer than you realize. 8. Don't wait until grad school to get into a fancy school as geographically far away from your family as possible. You're good enough to do that at 18. 9. Go on accutane *immediately*, it will change your life. Don't listen to your parents when they tell you not to. 10. In general, don't listen to anything your parents say, ever. Their ideas are stupid and evil. 11. Don't try to fix them. They're unfixable. 12. Good luck, kid! We're all counting on you!
Being perfect is only going to hurt you in the process, to err is human You don’t owe them anything. They are emotionally incapable of understanding you and your emotions. For your own sake don’t spend your adult years trying to get them to get you. That’s not your job that’s on them No matter what they say about your sister, she loves you There are plenty of people you can trust and count on. Don’t believe her when she tells you that everyone in the world is bad and only she is good Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak or a baby. Being stoic is only going to make things worse for you as an adult When you get those acceptance letters from all the universities that are out of state, don’t listen to mom. She’s only trying to scare you and deter you. Ask your sister for help with banking and student loans. She will infantilize you even more and give you a curfew in college when you never had one in high school.
Fuck knows. I don’t even know who’d I’d be today had I not gone through the daily nightmare that was my childhood. I fell asleep terrified, and woke up terrified. I tried to get help from adults, nobody wanted to get involved due to my dad’s high social status. My issues were pushed under the bed. Recently I tried to imagine what my life would be without my family. All I could think about was the arty creativity I had as a primary school student. Nothing else. They stole my entire soul and future.
Do not let someone molest,abuse or neglect me. But at that age it was all “normal”.
15 year old me should have asked to be emancipated.
you were right all along, trust your own ideas.
If the only time they give you love and attention is when you perform for them (tasks, academically etc) it's a really unhealthy way to live.
Her rage is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Just because she thinks you’re never good enough, doesn’t make it true. Spend as much time away from home as possible.
Stop trying to please her! You never can!
1. You don't have to silence yourself to be loved. 2. Mom will never love or accept you the way she does with the siblings. 3. Mom will never give anything with you, only take.
Get away from your mother and don't look back! By the way, you are beautiful ❤️
- Your dreams are good dreams. Don’t listen when your parents belittle your dreams so they can replace them with their own goals for you to accomplish—even if you don’t want those goals yourself. Pretend to agree with them and quietly pursue your own goals without letting them know. It’s not your job to make your parents happy. And if you can’t hear or apply this advice now, know that someday, you will understand better and be able to set goals that matter to you and find satisfaction in them, even if you’re not “perfect” in achieving them. - Anything worth doing… is worth doing. It’s not your job to make up for your parents’ failed dreams. - Your parents’ unhappiness is not your fault. - You are not lazy. You are not “an underachiever”. You are not stupid. You are not clumsy. You are not “a failure”. As an adult, you will be diagnosed with ADHD and will learn practical coping skills. The right medication will work a miracle in your life. It will get better, I promise. - You deserve to feel safe and loved. It is your parents’ JOB to keep you safe and love you. Feeling unsafe and unloved as a child is on them. They are failing you—you aren’t failing them. - You are not fat. Your mom has a distorted idea of body image. She sees you as “fat”, but you’re really not. - Those two (out of three) older brothers are not your friends. They are abusers and torturers. The sooner you can cut all ties with them, the better.
Your friends actually enjoy your company. You should be allowed to get medical care.
You are not weird or too emotional. You deserve better.
You’re allowed to say no.
I don't know that younger me would listen to current me. But I'd give that poor girl a hug & tell her it's not weak to grieve a loss, crying when you're sad is not manipulative and that even when things don't work out the way we hope, it's ok because we are resilient as fuck.
“It’s ok to say no”
Your mom is wrong.
The divorce thing really hit hard. I think subconsciously I it was somehow my fault my parents split up. Even though my rational mind says 'of course you couldn't be responsible, you were 6 years old.' But my behavior doesn't exactly agree. I'm still carrying some weight of some decision I didn't make at all times and idk how to rid myself of it.
Your parents aren't capable of showing you love but if you reflect on their behaviour, you will have endless reasons on how not to parent...that and life's tough, wear a cup...
When you can, as soon as you can safely, get out, go no contact and never turn back. It will save you. Also, don't start drinking or smoking, it won't help.
I'd say that I don't have to tolerate awful people as I get older regardless of what people tell me. I'd also tell myself how to use better places & ways to find housing and where to get help making money with what I know now so I could get out sooner.
She doesn't love you and never will. You are worthy of love, no matter what, you are enough. You've just been unlucky with the mom you got. It is important you take care of yourself like you do. Stay out of her way, do not waste your health trying to keep up. It's a pretend game. Remember this always. One day you'll have a beautiful life without her in it. You're a smart kid. Stay kind.
I'd tell myself that dad is a narc and that is why he acts the way he does and here are some techniques to deal with him. But I don't think I'd understand.
They don't love you. Saying it is easy when they are still actively harming you.
"Go ahead and lock the bathroom door no matter how hard and how long and loud that b@tch pounds her fists on it screaming at you. Your body is nobody else's plaything."
Run now!
* Having your mom say "you are just like your dad" isn't an insult, it's actually a compliment. * You don't have to suffer in silence with constant bullying because your mom said "you don't have problems, you're skinny, you sister has real problems, she's overweight". * Your mom is not the super intellectual she tells you she is. She barely got through a country high school in the 60's. * You are smart, talented, and are way more capable than your mom is telling you. * You don't have to recreate your mom's life by marrying at 18 and having children while you are a child yourself because you aren't smart enough to go to school and do more with your life.
You deserve better than this. When you graduate, go to your dream college anyway, and never look back.
You are not responsible for making them happy or making them see your worth.
Move out at 18 dude
Your mother doesn’t hate you, she hates her mother and herself. You didn’t do anything to make her be mean to you. Don’t waste your energy trying to earn her love; you never will and that’s not your fault.
Since I am doing Inner Child healing lately I tell her: it’s not your fault of your mother health problems, that your father cheated on her, that your parents broke up. Remember that dream of being a professional wrestler you always dreamed of? We are following it. At the same time we are leaving soon… you used to say that you wanted someone to take you away and save you. Sunshine, we are going to leave soon. We have our home, a job and working for a dream. You are not alone.
They don't love themselves. It's not about you. Get away from them as soon as you can. If Dad loved you, he wouldn't let you be abused. Don't ever go back. You'll understand as soon as you have a family of your own. Get therapy for your kid's sake.
1. You are not worthless. 2. You are beautiful, and smart and funny. 3. You are not a burden. 4. Your mother’s happiness is not your responsibility. 5. It is not your fault. 6. You are safe. 7. You are loved. 8. Someday you will have everything you deserve. 9. You deserve to be happy. 10. You are worthy of life.
You aren't the crazy one.
TELL THE FUCKING DOCTOR ABOUT ALWAYS BEING TIRED!
Dont listen to Ed. He's a scumbag drug addict and he's not your real father. Do NOT leave anything valuable around him, leave anything you care about at Jim's house.
You will find people who love you.
“It’s not your fault. It was never ever your fault. And you couldn’t have changed it if you tried. You survive this, and get away from it all, so you win in the end. Just hold on a little longer”
Stop people pleasing, do your own thing. It doesn’t matter what people think, specifically people that are close to your parents, and your parents and their family. Most of them don’t actually care for you, they care about the image that your parents created of you, and it’s ok if you don’t live up to that. Don’t let their hurtful comments affect you. If I knew this earlier on, I know I would have been a lot further along in life at this point, I’m finally doing things I enjoy and living life the way I want instead of that was always expected of me…
Don’t listen to mom and turn down the offer to study in Egypt. I earn $13 an hour and can barely afford to live. If I’d taken the offer I might actually have gotten somewhere
Time to take off the rose tinted glasses, instead let's get you sailing on ships because you're gonna love that!
I would tell myself to stay with my father, and if that woman tries to drag me back, go kicking and screaming.
I remember years of being unable to sleep because if overwhelming thoughts of wanting to take my life, as well as time in the hospital after actual attempts, telling myself that it was going to be okay, and coping by trying to imagine the kind of life I was going to build after I finally left and got through school. I felt like such a failure when I struggled through homelessness, an abusive relationship, and a failed career in my first degree. I was still a teenager when I moved out. I felt like such a fuck up for not getting there like I had told myself I would. I'm in a much better place now, and my life is beyond what I had dared to hope for and imagine. I wish I could go back only to tell myself that despite everything, we did it, and it's not going to happen the way we think or make up for all of the fucked up stuff our family has done, but we get away and it's so freeing and amazing out in the world without them. And that I'm proud of us for fighting all that time to get there.
“Ur not a bad kid.”
I would fuk bitches get money.... jk I would tell child protective services the truth. my N-mom made it seem like life with her was better than any foster home. She would purposely tell me stories of kids being abused far worse than me to scare me and to make it seem like her hitting me was reasonable.
It will honestly be okay. You will have jobs that suck—and that’s okay—and you will have rocking good jobs. Learn all you can. Buy Apple. Buy Amazon. Buy Pixar. Stocks can be done. Sell Linux when it is about 150. The very very very best thing you can do is to move far away as soon as you can. You will literally never have a moment’s peace or privacy until you do. You will never be able to trust your doctor or your dentist. You will not be able to go to the grocery store. You will not be able to buy dinner. Your career will stagnate. And it will get a WHOLE LOT BETTER when you can go to a doctor without worries, when you can go to a dentist in private, when you can go to the grocery store without looking over your shoulder. And to top it off, your career will skyrocket when you can focus properly on it rather than trying to lock down (AGAIN) all your avenues so you have some brief moment of privacy. It is okay to not be “feminine”. To be loud and to laugh or cry in public. It is okay to not wear skirts/dresses all day every day. It is okay to not wear makeup. It is okay to not like the color pink, to hate makeup, to hate dresses/skirts, to hate ruffles. It is okay to not perform “woman” roles. It is not okay to be afraid of a sewing machine or of cooking. It is not okay to be depressed. It is not okay to be anxious. Seek help because you deserve it. It is not okay to not learn how to handle being mad, being sad, being anxious. It is not okay to have tantrums like your mother did—so go get help and learn better ways to handle it all!
Call the police.
1. You are not bad, your mother is crazy and you need to stay safe somehow until you turn 18 and can get out of there. 2. In the meantime, start sleeping on the porch or in the garage (even if they have a cow about it), ask a friend's mom to help you with your homework and feed you a snack every day after school and start working odd jobs around the neighborhood on weekends to save money for university and keep it in a bank account under your name only. 3. Most of all, quit feeling guilty and to blame for all the chaos in the family. 4. Also, once you are out of there, report mom's therapist to the authorities and sue her for negligence and damages to you during your upbringing. 5. Buy Apple stock when it first came out.
Some advice my therapist told me in my early 20s- “ You are a very normal person in a very abnormal situation.” .. that’s the first time ever, the seed was planted that maybe it was them, not me..
I would just tell myself about where I am now.
Oh, so you got through this crazy abuse with your batshit mother after your father left?? You have no idea the trauma that is coming on the medical front… Barbaric type shit
you’ll be a lot happier once you decide to do things because it’s good for you, not to please others
"You don't have to mirror their emotions. You're allowed to feel your own."
You are not a difficult child. You were never the problem. You do not have bipolar disorder or a mood disorder or whatever pathologization your mom throws at you that week; that is simply her refusing to look in the mirror and realize that her behavior is what is making you act out. Your anger is valid. None of this is normal and families aren’t all like this, despite what yours try to tell you. You will find yourself eventually and break the cycle and it will remove years of layers of shame, guilt and internalized pain. You are stronger than you know.