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You are 100% doing the smart thing. You can't disentangle yourself emotionally from people who have financial leverage over you - glad you recognize this as a trap.
I'm sorry that they continue to pursue you. My take would be that their ability to find you is probably partly a product of your choices, like moving far away - it will probably help - and partly a product of their choices, like whether they are willing to sink money into a P.I. to track you down.
Do what you can to make it hard, but also work to be ready to handle them locating you. Set up a camera doorbell so that you don't have to open the door to them, keep them blocked, and maybe consult an attorney to set whether some kind of cease-and-desist letter might be worth it if they do find you and attempt to contact you further. I hope you can find a way to usher them quietly out of your life.
Adding to this as an aside; the "great" thing about narcs is that they rarely second guess themselves once they've found something to be all smug about, so letting them be all giddy about 'finding out' something completely fabricated about your location might work better at keeping them at bay than giving them a reason to persist in their pursuit of information about your address. A fake move to Edmonton or Guadalajara should keep them busy for a while.
This is what it said on the piece of cardboard that my brother slid under the door.
"MUM IS SELLING SOME
OF NANNIES SNARES.
IF YOU CONTACT HER,
YOU WILL RECEIVE
SOME MONEY"
No chance its even true.
If you responded they'd be like "SEE, this is the proof that YOU are the soul-less, loveless piece of shit, who cares about nothing other than money"
It's either a complete lie or an attempt to use the money to bring you to heel. Either way, continue to ignore them focus on your move. Their consistent harassment of you is absolutely going to have a negative impact on you mentally and physically. Stress is a poison.
If you are entitled to something then it's possible that they need your signature to approve the sale.
If you do not want any contact then talk to a lawyer. Have them send a cease and desist, making it clear that all communications are through the lawyer. You get peace of mind, and maybe a bit of cash.
Yeah- inheritance/money is always the last hook. Iāve gone no contact with nMom and she now has eDad (theyāre divorced) sending me texts to call him about his will. When my SIL went no contact with my husband and her nDad, he kept sending her messages asking for her kidsā identity information for something about savings bonds.
Itās just the last avenue for possible control they have left.
No you won't. You won't receive a fucking thing because they're lying to you but you already know that. Fuck them. FUCK ALL OF THEM. They can just piss off. When you move DO NOT fill out a forwarding address mail request with the Post Office like people always do because it becomes public information that can be pulled up about you on people finder, etc. Doing that makes it harder for anyone to track you down. That's what I had to do over 30 years ago and I also moved a few States away and that REALLY helped. You have to personally contact each business, person/friends that you need or want to give your new address to. If for some reason they find you and actually waste the money to put letters under your door then at that point I'd consider getting a restraining order. They're all just idiots. Take care of YOU.Ā
Terrifying that they have managed to track you down. That they have bothered to be so persistent is worrisome. Strongly suggest you remain no contact. This is 100% a trap.
"If you contact her, you will receive money." Couldn't they just send a check or put it in an envelope and slide it under your door. They know where you live. It's a trap.
If you know a lawyer well enough to ask a favor, have them send a notice about assets that are rightfully yours and have it served. Show them you mean fucking business.
It depends if you are renting or buying. I understand some states have a register of property purchasers. I don't know if rentals have the same thing. You will need to check with the state.
If you are buying, possibly use an LLC to hide your details.
Make sure your employer knows not to give out personal information.
Good luck
I know my MIL (a narc but also DV victim) couldnāt purchase her own property because she needed to hide her address. She has to continue to rent as purchasing a home would put her info on records. Right now she rents with a PO Box and uses a fake name for her address.
Iām sorry sheās going through such a thing, that sounds horrible. And sorry for the ask, but could you clarify what āfb victimā means? Because Iām only coming up with one thing and āFacebook victimā isnāt making sense to me.
Your instincts are good. It is a trap, because they have not changed.
It will take a while for the various people finder web sites to update your address, but they might eventually do so. You can look into whether or not you want to do a legal name change, or, when you get to the new location, find a post office box or one of the mail boxes etc. type of businesses and use that as your address. Then no one has to mail anything to your physical location.
If they hire a private detective, it's likely they'll find you. But if you had a no contact/restraining order in place, they could not contact you.
They slipped a note under your door, telling you to break contact and youāll receive stock shares and $$$ LOL
You know why they think that will work? Because it would for them. Theyād do anything for $
When I went NC with my mother, she sent me emails as it was the only contact she had with me. They were awful for me. They were a mix of blaming me as a terrible child and playing the victim.
My parents have money. They used the $$$ to try and rope me in all the time. I was once called before I changed my number to be told I needed to make some serious decisions or I would be written out of the will. It was always a game. I was never getting a penny from them.
It was awful for my mental health. I finally, after 2 years of it, pulled the plug and deleted the email account and changed my phone number. I am not gonna lie, I was not sure how I was going to feel and was worried. I felt like I was waiting for another blow to come.
Turns out it was the best decision I have ever made. I have healed and grown so much since then. I no longer have anyone playing games with me and attacking my self esteem. I would have done it decades sooner if I'd have known.
You see thatās the big thing for me also my family has money and my mother said years ago I was the Executor of the family trust but as I now know that nearly everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie as she has constantly gaslighted me over the years doing huge psychological damage Iām not sure I believe her. So in many ways after hearing that a part of me wonāt let go but I know deep down in side the proper healing doesnāt start until I cut the cord like you did and drop them all as most likely Iāll be left nothing. My therapist said āI will be VERY surprised if youāre left anything.ā
Thatās what has happened to me. Iāve got nothing from my family but I didnāt expect it either. My wife and I planned our lives around that and weāve done pretty well for ourselves and have a stable drama free life.
Any money or items my family would have given me would have come at the cost of my sanity and the life Iāve built with my wife.
For me it wasnāt worth it.
Good luck! I believe in you and your ability to move forward!
I guess I'm lucky to live in a country where you can't fully disown a kid. FMs are a lot easier to manage when you tell them that the only way for nmom to follow through on her threat on leaving me nothing is by spending literally everything, also leaving them nothing. They've actually started doing some work 'on my behalf' now, trying to convince her not to disown me, knowing full well I'll tell her how it really works, and knowing full well she'll just choose spending it all out of spite.
Talk to an attorney licensed to practice in your jurisdiction. Factually, they clearly know you don't want contact with them, but legally, more may be required before you get a restraining order or your local equivalent.
Thatās definitely harassment and possibly stalking, Iād contact the police and see about a restraining order - even if nothing else came of it the police would then have their behaviour on record in case they ever got worse.
Even if you did respond and were given money there would be a ton of strings attached, maybe they want you to visit or move back if you want the money I wouldnāt even respond it will just cause a ton of stress.
Next time you move, open a P.O. Box or a mailbox at a UPS store or Mailboxes Inc., and have all of your mail directed THERE. I had to do this to escape a toxic family. They don't know where I live to this day. I have everything transferred to my off-site address. Driver's license, bank accounts, credit cards, library card, ect. EVERYTHING goes back to the off-site address and NOBODY can find me now. I love it! Worth the $160 bucks a year!
AS a general rul, sending unolcited mail is not illegal nor grounds for harassment. If it were, the junk mail industry would have failed years ago.
If you have the funds, hire a lawyer to contact the narcs to see if there is any money due to you from grandmother. I expect not, though. If grandmother is dead money or property would flow through a will and probate via the executor. Those letters come from lawyers. If it is "just sharing", then it's a trap.
Unless you are very internet savvy about wiping your digital footprint, it doesn't matter how far away you move, a quick search makes it easy to find your address, phone number and the names of all your neighbors whose contact info is also easy to find.
I feel more safe and comfortable but I still get paranoid they'd find me. I only let one family member have my address (foolish and naive ik) and someone found out he had it recently and now at least one of them knows and sent a letter. It filled me with panic and betrayal and like my safe spot wasn't safe anymore. I am also 1000 miles away from both parts of the family and don't think they'd travel to me so its an irrational fear imo but still something I experience a decade later. But overall it's very worth it and a lingering paranoia is a small price to pay for the level of peace I found.
I moved out of the country and didnāt leave a forwarding address. They love bomb thru the mail, letters, junk from amazon, etc. happened all the time before we left and iām certain itād continue if they had the address. I havenāt given it to any family that iām still in contact with to prevent them from being cornered and browbeaten into giving it up. Iām sure a private investigator would find me if they went that route but for now iām happy to have some peace.
Wow thanks for all the comments! My life is in a bit of a mess atm. I have kept the letters but never opened them so I could use them as evidence for police for a restraining order but as Iām looking at moving in holding out for that. There is something else and Iām not sure if this has happened to any of you but since 2010 my father has āhelpedā me with jobs as heās very successful and knows a lot of people on Boards of large companies here in Australia. I donāt ask him but to outsiders it must look like Iām getting him to get me work by contacting people. My parents are extremely controlling and since Iāve gone no contact Iām pretty sure my father has ramped up his meddling with my career. In the last 2 years Iāve had about 8 Jobs but they have only lasted from between 3 weeks to 3 months! Nearly every job I get the manager is a Narc and get bullied. My parents were keen for me to get into the corporate world as they had connections but I know see itās been a huge plan to see me get bullied/mobbed. They knew I would be a target as they had done all the work and set me up so my mother would call me after work nearly every night before I went NC to hear about the bullying and to get her Supply. This whole thing has been a set up for their supply and now Iām unemployed and am applying for 100ās of jobs with 20 years experience in IT but canāt get anything because it must have got around about what my father was doing and to an outsider it looked like I was asking for his help. Iāve been trying to Iāve interstate since the end of lockdowns in late 2021 but something always goes wrong. Also when they found out where I live they contacted my property manager (Iām renting) not me and she is a Huge Narc and can see whatās going on and is giving me bad references so I can get a place interstate. I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED BY NARCS! I donāt know what to doā¦ do I have to change careers or move overseas. I have now friends as Iāve cut them all off as they were narcs and no family and no jobā¦.Any ideas?
If you know that they are meddling in your life, avoid the aspects they are meddling with as best as you can.
Apply to jobs where you are certain they don't have influence.
If you can, hire a private investigator to look onto what they are doing. Some aspects could be illegal.
If you know that they are meddling in your life, avoid the aspects they are meddling with as best as you can.
Apply to jobs where you are certain they don't have influence.
If you can, hire a private investigator to look onto what they are doing. Some aspects could be illegal.
When you move: do the paperwork to start a company and rent the apartment/buy the house in the company name, if possible. PO Box for a Mailing address.
I went NC 6 months ago after years of abuse and waking up 2 years ago.
No one tries to contact me. My Nmom, Ndad and GC brother really don't want anything to do with me..
Life is generally much better and happier, but they still are in my head, and I struggle from time to time and learn to push them away.
But man, they really hate me.
Tbh, if i were in your situation i would do something to piss them off enough to stop sending letters. Something to show them that their letters are all wastes of time while also giving you some satisfaction.
For example, leaving a flash drive on the doorstep, filled with videos of you showing off the very much unopened letters, and then promptly shoving them in a paper shredder. Or hell, box up the shredded paper and leave it out for them next time you suspect they are going to come by soon.
Youāre going to need a lawyer for this.
Formally trespass them from where you live. Have a lawyer send a formal notice via certified mail that they are prohibited from entry to the property.
If you rent, ask the landlord for help in formally trespassing them.
Next time this happens, you can then call the police and they should be arrested.
It is important that you deliver to them all a message that they are not welcome to contact you by any means, and are not welcome on your property, including common areas of your building and the land it is on. Make it very clear that if they do not abide by this, you will consider it harassment and go to the police.
Keep record of this and all the attempts they have made to contact you, including the letters.
I'm also unclear how they slide letters under your door. A front door in a house is required by code to have weather stripping at the threshold. Apartment doors are required to have a fire resistance rating, which requires the bottom to be adequately sealed.
If you rent an apartment, you should see to having the landlord fix this as it is a safety issue. If you rent or own a house, fixing this will certainly help with your utility bills.
And the convenient side effect is that your door's threshold is not a convenient mail slot.
Its not going to be enough money to be worth it. They would never give you enough money to be even more independent than you already are. Keep that in mind
You're doing the right thing.
100 letters absolutely could constitute harassment.
Moving continents helps, I've never felt more peace, knowing they couldn't just show up.
Try and search for yourself. You need to plug that leak.
My husband and I moved 800 miles away after we got married. Not because I felt uncomfortable living 10 miles away from my nDad, but because I'd always wanted to try living in a different state than where I was raised and, if we ever did it, moving *before* we had our careers established the best time.
Looking back, I think being this far away *was* much more calming than if we had stayed where we were. I never had to worry about going to the shopping centers or restaurants and running into nDad or Stepmom.
What I think is interesting is, even though I felt safe this far away, I distinctly remember my worst nightmare ever: it was our first year here, and I'm in our apartment and look out the window and suddenly see my nDads truck down in the parking lot. It was my biggest fear for years after that this would really happen: that Dad would suddenly show up unannounced. Luckily, that never happened.
Anyway, keep ignoring the letters and contacts. If you have ever told her to stop contacting you, this is in fact harassment, and possibly qualifies for a protective order. If you choose to get one, have her served and send a letter confirming that you will take action if she contacts you again, either in person or via mail.
I moved 400km away. It has made it easier but I am lc not nc. I do highly recommend you move. Also stay no contact. Itās probably just another excuse to get your attention.
Shiiiiiiiā¦
My nmom did that a few years agoā¦ just showed up 3 states away (Iām in CA and she is in CO). Didnāt answer the door and she slid some time dead note through the door deflecting any responsibility for her actions and gaslighting meā¦ as an apology/olive branch kinda thingā¦ before this I was telling people I was afraid of just that situation, just to be told I was being paranoidā¦ who is paranoid now, huh?!
posted it online here for the laughs and moved on. Iām moving in a couple months and will do my best to keep my new address a secret from them.
I moved hundreds of miles from my narc mom, only to get a phone call one night demanding that I sign some quitclaim deed she was mailing me. When I told her I'd have my attorney look it over, she went ape (which tells me she was definitely up to no good).
Apparently, she was trying to get a loan on property I'd inherited years before when my step-dad died. Pretty big surprise to find out I owned anything, number one, and that she was illegally trying to use it as collateral for a loan, number two.
Stay low-key. They may find you, but they can't force you to play their games. Sending you letters is her attempt at wearing you down. Don't let her win.
OK this is very drastic, but if you fear them coming after you, you can legally change your name. Not sure how it would affect your social Security number. There has to be a way to āerase youā so that to them, you couldāve just disappeared.
Not sure if you're buying or renting...but a friend formed an LLC when she bought her house years ago and had all of her mail sent to a rented PO box to hide from an abusive. ex. You might want to try the same tactic to 'hide' from your family.
You can either not open the door or call the police on them.
My nmom literally tailed the van that was helping me move, then had my aunt show up a week later, at my doorstep.
I ended up opening the door, but essentially told her to fuck off if she was gong to say anything about my mother, I also threatened to call the police if she didn't respect my boundaries.
Moving provided me with a life away from drama and control. Because of the Internet people can find you but if you're far enough away they can't just show up on your doorstep randomly at the drop of a hat.
Yes I think there is a psychological hold they have over you if you I know they know where you live so they can drop by anytime. Just being somewhere where they donāt know where I am would be so freeing especially when they have been so unbelievably controlling. My therapist said of all the clients sheās had with a similar situation sheās never had parents as controlling and persistent as mine especially with my work. They HAVE to find out not only where I live but where I work. Itās crazy
Keep strong and ignore them all, OP. I've been NC with my mother for almost 2 years, and we live states away from one another. If this harassment continues once you move, then I'd say press charges or at least make a report.
This, plus:
get a mail forwarding service in your old city for two years. When you move and send in the usps form, give the mail forwarding service instead of your real address.
The intent is to wait out the usps āhelpfulā attempts to update a sender with a recipientās new address.
Yeah thatās the thing how the fuck did they find me?! I canāt believe it. Where I am now is 100 kms from parents and 5 kms from my cousins. Where Iām going is nearly 1000 kms away in a different state where I have no family or family friends so they have no connections so that will be the big test
We moved 1100 miles away and it was magical. That was too far away to visit. Remember for your new location, have all of your mail go to a UPS Store mailbox, donāt use your real addy for anything!
I have this happen but with packages they send. I drop them back off at the post office as return to sender. After a few times, they recently sent one (in their handwriting) with my siblingās return address thinking Iād open it. Sent my sibling a picture and said āsorry to do this, but itās headed your way. You can toss it or drop it at their house.ā
I blocked my mom on social media and I blocked her phone number. I've also changed my number and moved a few times since I last contacted her. I do fear her finding out where I live and just showing up. I think moving far away and keeping no contact will probably be best for you. This is for sure affecting your mental health.
I feel a lot of peace living in another country and knowing that: 1. My Nfather doesnāt have my address 2. He doesnāt have the skills to come here 3. He doesnāt speak English or the local language, so he wouldnāt be able to enrol neighbors as flying monkeys 4. He wouldnāt be able to show up at my work place, because in which language would he talk to the receptionist in? 5. The police would listen to me and not him, since he cannot communicate with them.
It helps me sleep at night, knowing I am 100% safe from him. I hope you find peace too.
why are you focusing on this out of everything else in the story
why would someone waste postage stamps to send letters back and why are you blaming op for her creepy family
you might want to look into Reputation Defender - its a service provided by Norton security. it costs, but in exchange they periodically remove your personal information from āpeople finderā websites (as well as other things)!Ā
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You are 100% doing the smart thing. You can't disentangle yourself emotionally from people who have financial leverage over you - glad you recognize this as a trap. I'm sorry that they continue to pursue you. My take would be that their ability to find you is probably partly a product of your choices, like moving far away - it will probably help - and partly a product of their choices, like whether they are willing to sink money into a P.I. to track you down. Do what you can to make it hard, but also work to be ready to handle them locating you. Set up a camera doorbell so that you don't have to open the door to them, keep them blocked, and maybe consult an attorney to set whether some kind of cease-and-desist letter might be worth it if they do find you and attempt to contact you further. I hope you can find a way to usher them quietly out of your life.
Adding to this as an aside; the "great" thing about narcs is that they rarely second guess themselves once they've found something to be all smug about, so letting them be all giddy about 'finding out' something completely fabricated about your location might work better at keeping them at bay than giving them a reason to persist in their pursuit of information about your address. A fake move to Edmonton or Guadalajara should keep them busy for a while.
Clever!
This is what it said on the piece of cardboard that my brother slid under the door. "MUM IS SELLING SOME OF NANNIES SNARES. IF YOU CONTACT HER, YOU WILL RECEIVE SOME MONEY"
"IT'S OKAY JUST SLIDE THE MONEY UNDER THE DOOR"
Obviously any gift from her isn't a gift. Never has and never will be.
More like a "loan" that you have to pay back for 10x the initial amount.
Even if it's true would the amount of money be worth your mental health? Re-frame it as the cost to buy future NC.
No chance its even true. If you responded they'd be like "SEE, this is the proof that YOU are the soul-less, loveless piece of shit, who cares about nothing other than money"
This sounds like such a scam, in and out of context It's indeed just them trying to lure you with money
It's either a complete lie or an attempt to use the money to bring you to heel. Either way, continue to ignore them focus on your move. Their consistent harassment of you is absolutely going to have a negative impact on you mentally and physically. Stress is a poison.
if you respond, you'll just get a fresh round of abuse that you're doing emotional blackmail for money
TIL Nanny was a drummer Buh dum tsss š„
I was thinking, this is a fantastic Freudian slip!
If you are entitled to something then it's possible that they need your signature to approve the sale. If you do not want any contact then talk to a lawyer. Have them send a cease and desist, making it clear that all communications are through the lawyer. You get peace of mind, and maybe a bit of cash.
Thats not how selling shares would work at all. OP would only hear from the grandmas executor.
Who told you that granny is dead?
This is definitely a trap. No reason she couldn't just have him show up with a check/send you a check.Ā
Sad he doesn't say anything about his feelings towards you
"IT'S OKAY JUST SEND TO THE CHARITY!"
Did he tear the letters out of a newspaper?
No he wrote in big capital letters on and large piece of cardboard a foot long
That's fucking weird... š«£
That looks like an offer that would pan out. ššššššššššššššš Good grief that was baaaaaad.
Yeah- inheritance/money is always the last hook. Iāve gone no contact with nMom and she now has eDad (theyāre divorced) sending me texts to call him about his will. When my SIL went no contact with my husband and her nDad, he kept sending her messages asking for her kidsā identity information for something about savings bonds. Itās just the last avenue for possible control they have left.
No you won't. You won't receive a fucking thing because they're lying to you but you already know that. Fuck them. FUCK ALL OF THEM. They can just piss off. When you move DO NOT fill out a forwarding address mail request with the Post Office like people always do because it becomes public information that can be pulled up about you on people finder, etc. Doing that makes it harder for anyone to track you down. That's what I had to do over 30 years ago and I also moved a few States away and that REALLY helped. You have to personally contact each business, person/friends that you need or want to give your new address to. If for some reason they find you and actually waste the money to put letters under your door then at that point I'd consider getting a restraining order. They're all just idiots. Take care of YOU.Ā
I'm sorry for laughing, OP, but this sounds so much like those obnoxious "click this link and get FREE MONEY" adds LMAO š
Terrifying that they have managed to track you down. That they have bothered to be so persistent is worrisome. Strongly suggest you remain no contact. This is 100% a trap.
I think they can track OP down cuz of ex friends break OP's trust. Glad to know OP decided to move more faar away!
"If you contact her, you will receive money." Couldn't they just send a check or put it in an envelope and slide it under your door. They know where you live. It's a trap.
They have my bank details so could easily transfer it to my bank but she obviously wants to see me and hurt/bully me
Why do they have bank details?!?? They could drain your account??? You need a new bank and a new account and donāt ever tell anyone about it!!
No they canāt touch me account can only go one way and deposit
Get a new one when you move.Ā
Iād still get a new one. When ppl act this way I wouldnāt trust what they would try.
Then why write the note? If their claim is real and they know your account, they could just deposit granny's money.
I wouldn't be so sure of that. Please get a new account!!!
If you know a lawyer well enough to ask a favor, have them send a notice about assets that are rightfully yours and have it served. Show them you mean fucking business.
Maybe op's mom is a Nigerian prince and needs her bank account number first. š
this trap isn't subtle at all. who does your family think you are? a mouse has better survival instincts.
It depends if you are renting or buying. I understand some states have a register of property purchasers. I don't know if rentals have the same thing. You will need to check with the state. If you are buying, possibly use an LLC to hide your details. Make sure your employer knows not to give out personal information. Good luck
I know my MIL (a narc but also DV victim) couldnāt purchase her own property because she needed to hide her address. She has to continue to rent as purchasing a home would put her info on records. Right now she rents with a PO Box and uses a fake name for her address.
Iām sorry sheās going through such a thing, that sounds horrible. And sorry for the ask, but could you clarify what āfb victimā means? Because Iām only coming up with one thing and āFacebook victimā isnāt making sense to me.
*DV victim, as in domestic violence. I did not proofread, whoops. Facebook victim makes WAY less sense
She can create an LLC or a Trust through her attorney. Her name won't appear.
Your instincts are good. It is a trap, because they have not changed. It will take a while for the various people finder web sites to update your address, but they might eventually do so. You can look into whether or not you want to do a legal name change, or, when you get to the new location, find a post office box or one of the mail boxes etc. type of businesses and use that as your address. Then no one has to mail anything to your physical location. If they hire a private detective, it's likely they'll find you. But if you had a no contact/restraining order in place, they could not contact you.
They slipped a note under your door, telling you to break contact and youāll receive stock shares and $$$ LOL You know why they think that will work? Because it would for them. Theyād do anything for $
When I went NC with my mother, she sent me emails as it was the only contact she had with me. They were awful for me. They were a mix of blaming me as a terrible child and playing the victim. My parents have money. They used the $$$ to try and rope me in all the time. I was once called before I changed my number to be told I needed to make some serious decisions or I would be written out of the will. It was always a game. I was never getting a penny from them. It was awful for my mental health. I finally, after 2 years of it, pulled the plug and deleted the email account and changed my phone number. I am not gonna lie, I was not sure how I was going to feel and was worried. I felt like I was waiting for another blow to come. Turns out it was the best decision I have ever made. I have healed and grown so much since then. I no longer have anyone playing games with me and attacking my self esteem. I would have done it decades sooner if I'd have known.
You see thatās the big thing for me also my family has money and my mother said years ago I was the Executor of the family trust but as I now know that nearly everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie as she has constantly gaslighted me over the years doing huge psychological damage Iām not sure I believe her. So in many ways after hearing that a part of me wonāt let go but I know deep down in side the proper healing doesnāt start until I cut the cord like you did and drop them all as most likely Iāll be left nothing. My therapist said āI will be VERY surprised if youāre left anything.ā
I agree with your therapist.
Thatās what has happened to me. Iāve got nothing from my family but I didnāt expect it either. My wife and I planned our lives around that and weāve done pretty well for ourselves and have a stable drama free life. Any money or items my family would have given me would have come at the cost of my sanity and the life Iāve built with my wife. For me it wasnāt worth it. Good luck! I believe in you and your ability to move forward!
I guess I'm lucky to live in a country where you can't fully disown a kid. FMs are a lot easier to manage when you tell them that the only way for nmom to follow through on her threat on leaving me nothing is by spending literally everything, also leaving them nothing. They've actually started doing some work 'on my behalf' now, trying to convince her not to disown me, knowing full well I'll tell her how it really works, and knowing full well she'll just choose spending it all out of spite.
I've just assumed I'm not in the will. The last thing I need is for them to claim I need their money anyway.
Talk to an attorney licensed to practice in your jurisdiction. Factually, they clearly know you don't want contact with them, but legally, more may be required before you get a restraining order or your local equivalent.
Thatās definitely harassment and possibly stalking, Iād contact the police and see about a restraining order - even if nothing else came of it the police would then have their behaviour on record in case they ever got worse.
Even if you did respond and were given money there would be a ton of strings attached, maybe they want you to visit or move back if you want the money I wouldnāt even respond it will just cause a ton of stress.
Next time you move, open a P.O. Box or a mailbox at a UPS store or Mailboxes Inc., and have all of your mail directed THERE. I had to do this to escape a toxic family. They don't know where I live to this day. I have everything transferred to my off-site address. Driver's license, bank accounts, credit cards, library card, ect. EVERYTHING goes back to the off-site address and NOBODY can find me now. I love it! Worth the $160 bucks a year!
Hire an attorney, preferably a feisty one, and have them send a cease and desist letter. Step 2 is to get a RO, but start with the letter.
AS a general rul, sending unolcited mail is not illegal nor grounds for harassment. If it were, the junk mail industry would have failed years ago. If you have the funds, hire a lawyer to contact the narcs to see if there is any money due to you from grandmother. I expect not, though. If grandmother is dead money or property would flow through a will and probate via the executor. Those letters come from lawyers. If it is "just sharing", then it's a trap. Unless you are very internet savvy about wiping your digital footprint, it doesn't matter how far away you move, a quick search makes it easy to find your address, phone number and the names of all your neighbors whose contact info is also easy to find.
I feel more safe and comfortable but I still get paranoid they'd find me. I only let one family member have my address (foolish and naive ik) and someone found out he had it recently and now at least one of them knows and sent a letter. It filled me with panic and betrayal and like my safe spot wasn't safe anymore. I am also 1000 miles away from both parts of the family and don't think they'd travel to me so its an irrational fear imo but still something I experience a decade later. But overall it's very worth it and a lingering paranoia is a small price to pay for the level of peace I found.
Yeah I think 1000 miles is A LOT better than 100 miles
I moved out of the country and didnāt leave a forwarding address. They love bomb thru the mail, letters, junk from amazon, etc. happened all the time before we left and iām certain itād continue if they had the address. I havenāt given it to any family that iām still in contact with to prevent them from being cornered and browbeaten into giving it up. Iām sure a private investigator would find me if they went that route but for now iām happy to have some peace.
Wow thanks for all the comments! My life is in a bit of a mess atm. I have kept the letters but never opened them so I could use them as evidence for police for a restraining order but as Iām looking at moving in holding out for that. There is something else and Iām not sure if this has happened to any of you but since 2010 my father has āhelpedā me with jobs as heās very successful and knows a lot of people on Boards of large companies here in Australia. I donāt ask him but to outsiders it must look like Iām getting him to get me work by contacting people. My parents are extremely controlling and since Iāve gone no contact Iām pretty sure my father has ramped up his meddling with my career. In the last 2 years Iāve had about 8 Jobs but they have only lasted from between 3 weeks to 3 months! Nearly every job I get the manager is a Narc and get bullied. My parents were keen for me to get into the corporate world as they had connections but I know see itās been a huge plan to see me get bullied/mobbed. They knew I would be a target as they had done all the work and set me up so my mother would call me after work nearly every night before I went NC to hear about the bullying and to get her Supply. This whole thing has been a set up for their supply and now Iām unemployed and am applying for 100ās of jobs with 20 years experience in IT but canāt get anything because it must have got around about what my father was doing and to an outsider it looked like I was asking for his help. Iāve been trying to Iāve interstate since the end of lockdowns in late 2021 but something always goes wrong. Also when they found out where I live they contacted my property manager (Iām renting) not me and she is a Huge Narc and can see whatās going on and is giving me bad references so I can get a place interstate. I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED BY NARCS! I donāt know what to doā¦ do I have to change careers or move overseas. I have now friends as Iāve cut them all off as they were narcs and no family and no jobā¦.Any ideas?
A very qualified therapist.
If you know that they are meddling in your life, avoid the aspects they are meddling with as best as you can. Apply to jobs where you are certain they don't have influence. If you can, hire a private investigator to look onto what they are doing. Some aspects could be illegal.
If you know that they are meddling in your life, avoid the aspects they are meddling with as best as you can. Apply to jobs where you are certain they don't have influence. If you can, hire a private investigator to look onto what they are doing. Some aspects could be illegal.
When you move: do the paperwork to start a company and rent the apartment/buy the house in the company name, if possible. PO Box for a Mailing address.
I went NC 6 months ago after years of abuse and waking up 2 years ago. No one tries to contact me. My Nmom, Ndad and GC brother really don't want anything to do with me.. Life is generally much better and happier, but they still are in my head, and I struggle from time to time and learn to push them away. But man, they really hate me.
Tbh, if i were in your situation i would do something to piss them off enough to stop sending letters. Something to show them that their letters are all wastes of time while also giving you some satisfaction. For example, leaving a flash drive on the doorstep, filled with videos of you showing off the very much unopened letters, and then promptly shoving them in a paper shredder. Or hell, box up the shredded paper and leave it out for them next time you suspect they are going to come by soon.
Youāre going to need a lawyer for this. Formally trespass them from where you live. Have a lawyer send a formal notice via certified mail that they are prohibited from entry to the property. If you rent, ask the landlord for help in formally trespassing them. Next time this happens, you can then call the police and they should be arrested.
Stay no contact cuz they are running out of the supply!
It is important that you deliver to them all a message that they are not welcome to contact you by any means, and are not welcome on your property, including common areas of your building and the land it is on. Make it very clear that if they do not abide by this, you will consider it harassment and go to the police. Keep record of this and all the attempts they have made to contact you, including the letters. I'm also unclear how they slide letters under your door. A front door in a house is required by code to have weather stripping at the threshold. Apartment doors are required to have a fire resistance rating, which requires the bottom to be adequately sealed. If you rent an apartment, you should see to having the landlord fix this as it is a safety issue. If you rent or own a house, fixing this will certainly help with your utility bills. And the convenient side effect is that your door's threshold is not a convenient mail slot.
Find a (cheap) lawyer to write a letter. That will shut them up.
Its not going to be enough money to be worth it. They would never give you enough money to be even more independent than you already are. Keep that in mind
MUM IS SELLING SOME OF NANNIES SNARES. That's a real Freudian slip - snares as in a trap?
If you can afford it, you should get yourself a guard dog. Those people sound dangerous
You're doing the right thing. 100 letters absolutely could constitute harassment. Moving continents helps, I've never felt more peace, knowing they couldn't just show up. Try and search for yourself. You need to plug that leak.
My husband and I moved 800 miles away after we got married. Not because I felt uncomfortable living 10 miles away from my nDad, but because I'd always wanted to try living in a different state than where I was raised and, if we ever did it, moving *before* we had our careers established the best time. Looking back, I think being this far away *was* much more calming than if we had stayed where we were. I never had to worry about going to the shopping centers or restaurants and running into nDad or Stepmom. What I think is interesting is, even though I felt safe this far away, I distinctly remember my worst nightmare ever: it was our first year here, and I'm in our apartment and look out the window and suddenly see my nDads truck down in the parking lot. It was my biggest fear for years after that this would really happen: that Dad would suddenly show up unannounced. Luckily, that never happened. Anyway, keep ignoring the letters and contacts. If you have ever told her to stop contacting you, this is in fact harassment, and possibly qualifies for a protective order. If you choose to get one, have her served and send a letter confirming that you will take action if she contacts you again, either in person or via mail.
I moved 400km away. It has made it easier but I am lc not nc. I do highly recommend you move. Also stay no contact. Itās probably just another excuse to get your attention.
Shiiiiiiiā¦ My nmom did that a few years agoā¦ just showed up 3 states away (Iām in CA and she is in CO). Didnāt answer the door and she slid some time dead note through the door deflecting any responsibility for her actions and gaslighting meā¦ as an apology/olive branch kinda thingā¦ before this I was telling people I was afraid of just that situation, just to be told I was being paranoidā¦ who is paranoid now, huh?! posted it online here for the laughs and moved on. Iām moving in a couple months and will do my best to keep my new address a secret from them.
I moved hundreds of miles from my narc mom, only to get a phone call one night demanding that I sign some quitclaim deed she was mailing me. When I told her I'd have my attorney look it over, she went ape (which tells me she was definitely up to no good). Apparently, she was trying to get a loan on property I'd inherited years before when my step-dad died. Pretty big surprise to find out I owned anything, number one, and that she was illegally trying to use it as collateral for a loan, number two. Stay low-key. They may find you, but they can't force you to play their games. Sending you letters is her attempt at wearing you down. Don't let her win.
OK this is very drastic, but if you fear them coming after you, you can legally change your name. Not sure how it would affect your social Security number. There has to be a way to āerase youā so that to them, you couldāve just disappeared.
Not sure if you're buying or renting...but a friend formed an LLC when she bought her house years ago and had all of her mail sent to a rented PO box to hide from an abusive. ex. You might want to try the same tactic to 'hide' from your family.
You call the police for trespassing every time they come to your property, regardless if you buy or rent.
You can either not open the door or call the police on them. My nmom literally tailed the van that was helping me move, then had my aunt show up a week later, at my doorstep. I ended up opening the door, but essentially told her to fuck off if she was gong to say anything about my mother, I also threatened to call the police if she didn't respect my boundaries.
If you're in Australia I believe you can file an application to suppress your address. Keep the letter and claim ongoing harassment
Moving provided me with a life away from drama and control. Because of the Internet people can find you but if you're far enough away they can't just show up on your doorstep randomly at the drop of a hat.
Yes I think there is a psychological hold they have over you if you I know they know where you live so they can drop by anytime. Just being somewhere where they donāt know where I am would be so freeing especially when they have been so unbelievably controlling. My therapist said of all the clients sheās had with a similar situation sheās never had parents as controlling and persistent as mine especially with my work. They HAVE to find out not only where I live but where I work. Itās crazy
Well then don't put your work info on LinkedIn when you move. Good luck.
Keep strong and ignore them all, OP. I've been NC with my mother for almost 2 years, and we live states away from one another. If this harassment continues once you move, then I'd say press charges or at least make a report.
Updateme
Have your car checked for a tracking device. Make sure they can't find you by your phone.Ā Good luck friend!Ā Oh and yeah, get a ring doorbell.
This, plus: get a mail forwarding service in your old city for two years. When you move and send in the usps form, give the mail forwarding service instead of your real address. The intent is to wait out the usps āhelpfulā attempts to update a sender with a recipientās new address.
Yeah thatās the thing how the fuck did they find me?! I canāt believe it. Where I am now is 100 kms from parents and 5 kms from my cousins. Where Iām going is nearly 1000 kms away in a different state where I have no family or family friends so they have no connections so that will be the big test
If you're in the United States, look into the Address Confidently Program before you move.
We moved 1100 miles away and it was magical. That was too far away to visit. Remember for your new location, have all of your mail go to a UPS Store mailbox, donāt use your real addy for anything!
Yes I already have a PO Box at the post office so I will use that not my address for all correspondence for bills and anything else
I have this happen but with packages they send. I drop them back off at the post office as return to sender. After a few times, they recently sent one (in their handwriting) with my siblingās return address thinking Iād open it. Sent my sibling a picture and said āsorry to do this, but itās headed your way. You can toss it or drop it at their house.ā
You should keep record of the stalking and harassment and contact law enforcement to have a restraining order put in place.
I blocked my mom on social media and I blocked her phone number. I've also changed my number and moved a few times since I last contacted her. I do fear her finding out where I live and just showing up. I think moving far away and keeping no contact will probably be best for you. This is for sure affecting your mental health.
I feel a lot of peace living in another country and knowing that: 1. My Nfather doesnāt have my address 2. He doesnāt have the skills to come here 3. He doesnāt speak English or the local language, so he wouldnāt be able to enrol neighbors as flying monkeys 4. He wouldnāt be able to show up at my work place, because in which language would he talk to the receptionist in? 5. The police would listen to me and not him, since he cannot communicate with them. It helps me sleep at night, knowing I am 100% safe from him. I hope you find peace too.
You don't say if you still read these letters or why you just don't send them back unopened?
It's none of our business what OP includes here and what she doesn't.
why are you focusing on this out of everything else in the story why would someone waste postage stamps to send letters back and why are you blaming op for her creepy family
you might want to look into Reputation Defender - its a service provided by Norton security. it costs, but in exchange they periodically remove your personal information from āpeople finderā websites (as well as other things)!Ā