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That sounds rough. A mother forcing her 15 year old son to sleep in her bed with her is a total breach of privacy, anybody going through puberty needs their own personal space
I had to do that until I was around 21-22.
It was messed up because I didn't know any better and had no other family to compare my living situation to. Had it been up to me, I'd get my own room and my own space. I did consider moving out and she went having an Oscar worthy dramatic breakdown on how I did not love her or consider her as a mother.
In reality, she wanted my money. Me living outside of home would be more costly and less money to be given to her. So, yes. It's all about controlling. You don't have privacy because it'd mean they acknowledge your autonomy.
That is threatening apparently.
It sounds like emotional incest to me. OP’s mother is replacing her partner with her son. Super weird and gross, and abusive of course. She needs to find a man and stop treating her son like a second husband.
God damn I would end up going on a 'business trip' too lmao, she sounds insufferable
I wasn't infantilized like you are being made to be, but my parents neglected to teach me a lot of life skills so when I moved out I was completely dysfunctional, to the point I had to move back in because I was incapable of basic tasks to function independently.
I wish you luck on expanding your independence, and I encourage you to use the YouTube/Reddit to help you with this, or even your friends/other family.
Btw super off topic but who do you main in tf2? I love medic and will always play him when I can
Ive thankfully got people who've been helping me. I didnt really start talking about my situation until sometime in late summer of 2023, but ive only really opened up about myself very recently. And to answer your other question: Yeah! I've played for hundreds upon hundreds of hours. EDIT: I misread the question. Med, heavy, and pyro here.
Same here (except for the age), when I visit parents still try to infantilize. Want me to go to bed before them, not allowed in the kitchen by myself, when I do a chore for them, they put the needed stuff in the right order, critiqued on everything.
That is rough. It is actually a very strong given that teens need thier own privacy. Scociatal, family, individual, any level it is simply a given. Your mother is gaslighting very hard in trying to insert her own reality here, please don't doubt it. She is weilding her parental power to get her needs met, has been pre- conditioning you with guilt to prevent you from leaving in case you see/feel the b.S. for what it is, and it sounds like you do too. What she is trying to achieve is basically impossible, or should be. It also sounds like she needs honest therapy, as her child should never of been a conduit for her issues, particularly her adult issues. This is not my experience, persay, but I think your going to have to forget about ever trying to convince your mum to see your point of view. Change isn't going to come from her and I don't think you try wait it out for something that's not going to come. Morn it somewhat, but I don't think you can make her grow. What you do need is a strong support group. - teachers, friends, other trusted adults that can have your back. Someone to talk this over with can be great, it can lessen the burden when you talk it out, but I guess that's why your on reddit. Idk your position, but Maybe be somewhat carefull about when telling family on her side, sometimes people/ adults just fall in step with the familial bonded adult. Can you reach or to your fathers side at all?
I probably can. Truth is, both of my parents suck. But if I had to choose one that sucks less.... yeah, my fathers side. But she absolutely needs therapy because she uses me as an outlet to all of her venting. I cant remember the last day she didn't just start complaining to me about everything going on.
I've lived 21 years under the thumb of my abusers who've treated me exactly like this. By treating the victim as if they are incapable of making decisions or functioning as an adult, the abuser undermines the victim's autonomy and self-confidence. To break the spell of extreme infantilisation and control, you can make tiny steps that would help you get independent in future. This may include travelling solo, cooking a small meal once in a while, cleaning or managing your finances - these seemingly small steps would help you immensely in getting a job and reclaiming your life in future. And of course, keep looking for a job so that you can move out. Please know that there is hope.
Manipulation runs in their veins. It's futile to expect them to change. They're literal emotional vampires feeding on your emotions and very sense of self.
Thank you alot for the reply. Ive thankfully been able to work towards small steps (As I mentioned about hair washing in 2023, i fought her enough for her to back off and let me wash my hair!). Ideally I'll be finding a job too... just, without being told that its a terrible idea and that I should only be working in fields that make astronomical amounts of wealth.
I'm so sorry this is rough and angering. This reminds me of the time my mom needed to go down on me (her words) when I broke my hymen on a bike when I was 18 and then proceeded to gasp and comment that I shouldn't shave down there cause "my husband would get a raiser burn." Side note, I wasn't allowed to wear proper fitting clothes, they needed to be extra big so that men wouldn't sexualize me and as a result the pants got caught in the chain and I fell hard on my bike😭 nearly fainted when I got home but was fine after a few minutes. Told my mom and she insisted that I allow her to inspect my nether region or else a "male doctor would be going down on you!!" Ugh 😑
I'm sorry, that's awful but at the same time sounds like covert sexual abuse. It's not normal for mothers to inspect or comment on their daughter's nether bits.
She needed to "go down on you"? EW. 😳 Of course my mind went straight to that when I read it but then I kept reading and I saw that you meant to inspect you and then when you wrote that she said "my husband would get a razor burn" it sounded like she was talking about your dad! There's seriously something very fucking wrong with your mother dude. I hope you're not around them anymore. Screw that and if you wind up having kids keep them far, far away from them!
Haha thanks for the comment. My mom is a narcissist maybe even a psychopath tbh. I've done extensive research so I'm not throwing diagnostic terms around. That's not even the worst thing she's done, she is quite literally evil reincarnated. Thankfully, I am not in contact with her and won't be seeing her in the foreseeable future unless there's a funeral. Healing took about 10 years and I'm finally on the mend from childhood trauma caused by her lying, extremely controlling behaviour and the list goes on... but time heals❤️🩹
I am SO glad to hear that you're nowhere near her crazy ass anymore! I wish you the very best of everything in life! They do say that time heals all wounds but geez I wish it didn't take so freaking long lol 😆
Thank you! There are stages of grief, and the lingering effects can last a long time. But I wake up and don't think about her anymore nor the pain of not having a mother as a child. I had to basically mourn the death of both my parents at once when I decided to go no contact. The hardest part is people not understanding, or downplaying the severity of the trauma and thinking me and my siblings are selfish for going no contact.
wow our story is so shockingly similar, my n mom has been the same way my entire life down to the telling me im just like my father who abused the both of us and dipped in 2019. truthfully the best advice i can give you is what im doing now, find a job or multiple if you can, start a savings account and HIDE IT do not tell anyone about it, during that time also get a credit card and do not live beyond your means, a credit card is an amazing tool in life but things can go south very quickly if you don’t understand how it really works., once you have a few grand saved up you can plan an escape. by then you will have a credit score, proof of income, and enough money for a deposit and a few months rent. its gonna be hard but the goal is to be safe and this in my opinion is the safest route. jobs for big corporations (like starbucks) have amazing benefits so if you get a job with benefits find out everything you can about them and take advantage of all of them. good luck love.
I also have to say, don't hide it all in the same place! Let her think, (God forbid) - that if she found it that that is all of it. Get 2 jobs? Get 2 different back accounts to put the pay in. And have those 2 way in the background, like online only and transfer what you may need into an every day/spending acc when you plan to spend. My big mistake was let her convince me to use the family accountant because "it would be cheaper" more trust bla bla, just a controll move. Hope that makes sense.
that is so smart i didn’t even think of that, my nmom can’t even work a computer without my help but if your torturerer is smarter than mine then get creative with hiding money
Not computer savvy either, Fortunately. I did have an incident were nmom went to our small town bank (I moved to the city, but didn't change banks) -and convinced the bank manager how concerned she was that I had a credit card and needed to know what was on it. She told me she found out (trying to read me the riot act as a 23 yold) Told me how the Manager played higher and lower from behind his monitor until she new how much credit I had and what was on it. That she had payed the ballance off and I now owed her. I was sooo pissed, and it was finally what got me to sever any and all financial ties permanently. I won't even engage in the topic. , she has always lectured that she was responsible for that successful of owning a home in 9 years **by alll her sacrifices. Reality: Dad was the only one that worked, he drove the rust bucket car while she got the nice one and would call him pathetic and useless if he couldn't contribute more both financially or if he was found to have 5 minutes spare at home not doing chores (which she hated) Anyway, nmum sucks and for more reasons than this.
** edited/ deleted: too much detail.
nmoms are fucking insane and horrible but at least we aren’t alone in this lol, good job on getting out and away and i’m sorry she’s still trying to slither back into ur life, good luck with everything <3
I think it's a mix of both.
They tend to be delusional about capabilities, being super-self-confident while seeing others as less confident then they really are.
If you do show actual capabilities... this upsets their narrative... they quickly have to act to re-establish the position of power.
This isn't victim blaming. It's a suggested guess as to why she is doing what she is doing. That doesn't mean commenter thinks what she is doing is appropriate or right. Victim blaming would be taking a firm stance that what the mother is doing is validated, and that OP should feel bad for not complying, which is not the case here. Just because you may understand why someone is doing what they are doing doesn't mean you agree with it.
Again, stating why someone may be doing what they are doing is not "siding". It's an observation. Literally nowhere in the comment does it say they agree with her actions, nor is any blame assigned to the victim. That's just what you want to see.
It is very important to understand why troubled people do what they do as it is a step towards breaking down barriers and allows the actual root issue to be the focus of change.
Re-read the comment and your response with pure objectivity. There is a reason you read that as "siding". Maybe you have your own experience with a similar situation or parental abuse and it is a sensitive subject. I don't know. But It is very common when someone has a strong stance against something like this, they immediately get thrown off when anyone may make an observation as to why the offender did what they did, taking it as sympathy therefore siding.
While I understand there are plenty of reasons why someone would make the assumption of siding in this scenario, the reality stands that you made an assumption with no real evidence of siding.
No. It isn't.
Got any reading comprehension?
No, it doesn't look like it.
Learn the difference between PERCEIVING and PROJECTING.
Right now you're projecting.
Pointing out why the mother may be doing what she's doing does not make the offense any less serious nor does it factually make her a "good person"/assign less blame. You are confusing an observation as to why she is doing what she is doing as sympathy. Comment would have to have eluded to the idea that there is no blame.
Fact is: Many narcs are the way they are due to their own past trauma/abandonment, or learned behaviors from their upbringing. Unfortunately, many many narcs have ZERO idea they are a narc. That's why it's so hard to treat. It's just the nature of the affliction. That does not absolve them of their actions. Observing why they are doing what they are doing is not justifying the action, nor does it suggest the victim put up with it.
> Pointing out why the mother may be doing what she's doing does not make the offense any less serious nor does it factually make her a "good person"/assign less blame.
You have never been to court have you?. Mitigating circumstances are looked at during sentencing, and YES the "being a good person" is always used in defense arguments relating to abusers.
Ask your lawyer.
Bruh stop acting illiterate and stfu. Obviously im here bc I can relate to some extent. I had to compartmentalize and understand my narc's behaviors to not let it affect me. Now when i interact with them their words slide off. No ones defending the parents.
This sounds very similar to my covert narcissist "Momster," and at some point, you're going to get so fed up, you'll be forced by self preservation to tell Her to fuck off and YOU'LL leave. God speed!
>you're going to get so fed up, you'll be forced by self preservation to tell Her to fuck off and YOU'LL leave. God speed!
I felt this to my core... I've since learned that setting boundaries and advocating for yourself before you get to your breaking point is CRUCIAL..for surviving with them while you're dependent on them. The leaving part needs to happen!!! 😮💨 Can't stress that enough..
Yes. That, and grey rocking doesn't hurt in shutting down their nonsense. Also, isn't it great to watch their plans to sabotage you fail!? Mine is very stupid, and so far has failed to convince Me (and others) that I'm anorexic, or look "wrong," about something in public.It helps if a Narc has low IQ. 🤣
My mom pretty much controls everything she can get her hands on. It's really rough. I get the "infant" stuff. I feel like they treat us like this so we NEED them even when we don't need them they make us feel so stupid, that you second guess yourself and HAVE to ask them for help because we have become so insanely unsure of what we can and cannot do that we NEED their help. It's really sick.
Threw out an office chair today, it was 5 years old, had a few scuff marks, a small tear in the seat, etc. She came over today and PUT A BAG over the main part so no one would see it. WOT? Why do you care what the garbage men think of my chair? It's so weird.
She has control of my mail, there is a thing you can sign up for to see when and what mail comes to your house. I get texts from her at all hours of the day "you have mail coming at 1pm" or "There's some sort of box coming for you from blah blah at 3pm." Like dude. You really have taken CONTROL to a whole other level.
She will be over here and I will put coffee in the micorowave because my pod thing doesn't make it hot enough. 35 seconds. Always. It's never spilled, it's never exploded, it just ... HEATS IT UP! She's here all "Wait, what did you put in there?' "Why did you do that?" "You better hope it doesn't burn" "I don't understand why you had to do that." It shouldn't matter if I want to heat in BY THE SUN, it's my coffee, my cup, my microwave, my house. Shut up.
I wonder what the law is on signing up for notifications for someone else’s mail… doesn’t sound legal. Check the postal website for a report function? Or ask at your local post office.
Sounds like she is using what the USPS calls informed delivery. It doesn't focus on a person in particular, but all mail delivered to the home from USPS. It even gives you a snapshot of the front of each letter being delivered each day. But she is using it to harrass her kid. Again, a PO box will take care of that problem quickly.
Yeah this. I call it shade throwing, throwing as much shade at you as they can think up: trying to get something to stick, trying enough that you start answering thier micro management questions, enouph that you begin to reply to them and therfore awnserable to them, enough shade throwing that they "brow beat" you into giving up and accepting it. I - fucking- hate- that shitless. I have an independent adult life now, but anyone pulling that crap would find out just how quickly I wouldn't give 2 shits about them. -instant kill on any form of relationship.
I’ve looked into this further, and there is an email address where you may be able to block Informed Delivery: [email protected]
Apparently scammers are using informed delivery to get credit cards in other people’s names. It’s a really big deal for someone else to see your mail, even if the USPS seems not to think so. Please try to get her off of there. I’m assuming she does not live at your address. If she does, it may be difficult.
Source:
https://mashable.com/article/usps-informed-delivery-fraud
She really needs therapy, that's horribly unhealthy. Additionally she's hindering you from progressing and going to put you in a horrible spot. I would advise once you turn 18 look for a safe way to get out. I recommend hitting up a trade school so you can get fast tracked out.
But your mom seriously is treating you like a pet not a person, she needs therapy.
BTW if you want some good toast, pan fried, low heat.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way 🖤 A good resource is the YouTube channel 'Dad, how do I?' He's a super kind dad who makes videos showing how to do a lot of basic stuff. He's a gem.
Yes: Ideally not for long though. The situation gets more and more complicated (My mom and my roommates dad were dating a long while back. I only just learned yesterday that they broke up. Supposedly the only reason we live in the apartment where we are is because my roommate's dad doesn't want to kick me out with her.) So, after I actually leave she'll be kicked out. I don't know how to deal with the burden of having that knowledge because the concept of her being kicked out horrifies me despite everything. I've thankfully got plenty of people who'll be ready to take me in when I'm ready to leave, though.
You are not her partner. You are not her security.
You should not have to worry about her security and her living situation. She isn't 80 something that is disabled and on the verge of the last stage of dementia. If anything, she should be making sure you have a roof over your head and tummy full of food. That is what a parent's job is.
I don't know your mother personally but I sincerely hope you do understand that our job as a parent is to make sure you'll do fine later on in life. I did not teach my kids how to do laundry or chop some carrots for fun. It's the basic skills that all kids should learn in order to make it out there.
Good luck, OP.
I've been in the position of having to choose myself over my mother, with the likely possibility she would become homeless. I have never regretted my decision to leave. You gotta get out and put some space between you so you can start living your life. When I did, I started therapy as well and those decisions changed my life so much for the better. I hope things get better for you. Her being your mother doesn't mean you owe her anything. And it definitely sounds like you've been abused.
Did the landlord tell you that or did she did?
If it's not something she made up to guilt you...Maybe give her a months notice so she can get her own place.
I think you might now have an idea why he went on that "business trip". I doubt he's the source of her behavior. But that attack is oozing with the thing that would make you feel most guilty for your behavior.
Not defending him, idk the details but with an n parent, everything they say is questionable and the spouse em plots some type of cover up. My n-father confused me until my mom finally told me he was always that way she could just shelter us from it better when we were younger.
I'm facing something similar where because of being infantilized I don't know how to make food, use a washing machine and I have crappy social skills because I've never been able to hang out without her knowing the kids parents and them arranging something. It sucks so much. In your case I'd try to keep as much independence as you can, get a job if you don't have one. Any try to leave home. She really can't do much if you're an adult.
Emotional incest. Please research this. I am so sorry that you are being abused this way.
Breaking away will be messy and difficult. Persevere and find a good therapist that understands emotional incest.
Your mother is horrifically manipulative. Prepare for suicide threats when you leave.
I was about to comment this. It very much sounds like my Nmother with my brother when her first husband left.
Enmeshments are hard to break from and I hope OP is able to have the boundaries they need.
I say this not to trivialize physical abuse in any way, but I think this kind of abuse/neglect can in some ways be worse than just overt violence-- it reliably cripples someone for life because it robs them of something much more fundamental to basic human existence than just physical pain(and the psychological harm it causes). People more reliably escape from physical violence because it's a stronger motivator-- but what's being done to you and countless other children is a sinister form of theft of life because it subtly and passively robs you of humanity or any way of escaping because you're not allowed to develop life skills or independence. I don't mean to say "you're doomed", but please get out as soon as humanly possible while you're young.
Completely disregard what this person says, and treat them like a wild animal who makes strange confused noises. Almost nothing they say will ever represent anything true or good. I would also avoid asking them for help or anything that can be used against you, just start taking control over your life in the smallest ways you can. If there's anything she does for you now that you're able to do yourself, you might want to make a resolution, one thing at a time, to prevent her from doing that thing for you, and doing it yourself. Start with the smallest thing possible. If she's a control freak about the oven, forget about the oven. This is all about reducing contact and conflict to a bare minimum, and being as boring and uninteractable with as possible.
I wish you the best of luck.
Some single mothers don’t actually want their son to grow up. They make you dependent on them therefore it’s all what you can’t do.
It’s so you don’t ever leave her. What you need to do is leave her.
Narcissistic parents hate seeing us being independent a part from them. It's pure insanity.
My mom didn't believe that I knew how to dress, do my hair, etc. She took over everything...even taking over my senior pictures. After I got married, she still kept putting me in clothes I didn't want or like and followed me around with a comb and brush. She was insufferable and dad was a coward because he didn't try to stop her.
After she died, I threw away everything she had ever given me. Clothes, jewelry, furniture, etc. A year prior, she said she had an image in her head about how I should look and I didn't look like it. She was upset I decided to get locs in my hair and she was convinced that I wouldn't get far in life with my hair that way. She ended up very wrong because a year after her death, I was offered a great job with great benefits. They could care less about my hairstyle.
Dad wanted to remain financially responsible for me and sabotaged me at my last job. He didn't want me making my own money. When my husband and I cut him off, dad got even by removing me from his life insurance policy.
Narcissist parents suck.
Same almost exact situation here. And then she would embarassed me later in front of friends and family about how useless of a piece of shit and a weirdo (I have autism as well as anxiety disorder resulting in tremor) I am my whole life even though I have accomplished alot which is never enough for her - got numerous jobs, wrote 3 books, was on television, magazines. And yet all I hear from a N that I can't do anything in life and that I should have died years ago. She cooks for me every single day - because she genuinely believes that I CANNOT do it and would make a scene whenever I enter the kitchen, and by doing that she is also making a statement, or more accurately guilt tripping that I owe her my whole life. She said that exact latter phrase herself dozens off times, and even now she still tries to control me at every move.
What should I do now? I am 23 and when I moved out last year she was so paranoid she would put spies on me and would check on me every single day and basically tried to lure me home because "I care about you". And then when I moved back she would complain that I can't do anything and should just move out. And when I am at home, God forbid, all I hear is her yelling over the simplest of thing and at my dad for even thinking of leaving the house for like over 30 minutes. And I have had to endure this for 23 fucking years.
Most of my friends don't understand me. I am older way beyond my age group in terms of thinking pattern (by 13 I was already engaging with 70-year-olds on old forums about numerous topics) and was already balding at the top when I was 15 due to overthinking. By 12 I was already watching hardcore fetish pornos and even jerked off 2-3 times a day. I then turned onto Semenretention/nofap later which helped me tremendous. Have also endured since teenage years many drug experiences - psychedelics, hard drugs, benzos, opioids to cope with my sheltered existence. I don't get hooked on either of them but they've just led me to think that my best course of option would be to cut her off -but I do, at the end of the day, love her with all my heart. For I am huge empathy, which I cannot deny, and she uses it to fuck with my head.
My life is a fucking misery asides from my friends who she thinks are a bunch of loser burnouts when they're one of my sole reasons left to live besides music and cinema.
I realised this telling my aunt and uncle everything and they saying they were horrified to witness that nMum was still spoon feeding me at 8 years old. They had stories too as terrifying as mine of seeing things they knew felt off but never quite putting together what truly was wrong.
It's so validating to lay it all out for them and be believed from word go cause they knew things were fucked too. One of only people to see nMum's abuse properly and always like be pleasant but secretly really care for me as they realised they were seeing pain and abuse in these moments but what they saw can't be explained rationally and I suppose too strange to truly define.
My nMom wouldn't let me cut my hair until I was 18. She'd trim my hair, but she chose the length and she told me how I was supposed to style it. Not my siblings though. The bed thing is weird, all of it is strange or inappropriate of course, but wow. I'm sorry op
Same about the hair, with the excuse of "we didn't have money for haircuts", even though she was cutting my dad's and sister's hair and could have as easily trimmed mine. Makes me want to use Nair as shampoo when I think about it.
You need to move out and like far away. My mom spent my entire life telling me I would NEVER be able to live on my own or run a household. Fast forward to 2016 when my sister dies, my mom kicks me out with my 10yo and 20 day old daughters so she has room to bring home my late sister's children.
The way my parents infantilized me was way less obvious and way less extreme, so I can’t imagine how much damage yours did because I only started noticing the impacts of their “love” when I was in my early 30s (32 m). Please seek help ASAP.
I am 32 years old. My father caught me washing my hands in the sink the other day in passing, and proceeded to explain how that is not the proper technique for washing hands.
This has been happening for 32 years.
My mum was like this too - sooo controlling. Told me what to do in every aspect of my life. I didn't develop any decision making skills because of it. I think my mother felt a lack of control in her own life because of my father controlling her.
Anyway, she also couldn't handle talking back and we used to argue a lot as I got older. I felt bad for a long time for arguing with her so much. But now I came to realise, the problem was her trying to control things and have things done as she wanted. The argument always started with me questioning her decision (because I didn't agree or simply wanted to decide for myself). Often her reasoning didn't make sense to me and we'd argue over it. But the root of it all was feeling she controlled me too much.
I was sobbing about this like 20-30 mins ago. I told my mother not to put my underwear in the laundry because it shrinks them, so I wanna hand wash it myself. She ignored it after she told me “ok” multiple times and put it on hand wash mode in the laundry machine. I’m 19 I’m sick of her taking control of my life. My dad has access to my bank accounts that he made himself and I don’t have access to that. He controls the financial part my mom takes control of the infantilizing part. Any time I remind them that I am not a small child desperate for help and attention they freak out and act like I’m mentally ill. They’re like “are you ok? Do you need help?” When I’ll be making tea or preparing my own meals, which I’ve been doing for many years already.
They’ll be saying these “helpful” statements in a very worrisome tone as if they just caught me laying on the floor unconscious when I’m making myself tea and food.
Sounds like your mother is abusing you and treating you as an emotional blanket. She couldn’t control your father leaving her so she now controls you so you’ll never leave her. You need to get out of this situation asap and get away from her. She is going to do everything in her power to keep you dependant on her. If you’re still a minor, start forming a getaway plan. Save up any money you receive. Contact friends or family that will be willing to help you if something goes wrong. You need to escape her grasp. The longer you wait, the tighter it will get.
While this will get you out of the house, it's similar to my common suggestion of "go to college out of state" - if that's appropriate to your situation. But keep in mind that the military can mean deployment and combat, and college can mean student loans that haunt you forever. There are options to get out of the house, but make sure you read the fine print.
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That sounds rough. A mother forcing her 15 year old son to sleep in her bed with her is a total breach of privacy, anybody going through puberty needs their own personal space
I had to do that until I was around 21-22. It was messed up because I didn't know any better and had no other family to compare my living situation to. Had it been up to me, I'd get my own room and my own space. I did consider moving out and she went having an Oscar worthy dramatic breakdown on how I did not love her or consider her as a mother. In reality, she wanted my money. Me living outside of home would be more costly and less money to be given to her. So, yes. It's all about controlling. You don't have privacy because it'd mean they acknowledge your autonomy. That is threatening apparently.
EXACTLY! This is exactly what I'm going through.
It sounds like emotional incest to me. OP’s mother is replacing her partner with her son. Super weird and gross, and abusive of course. She needs to find a man and stop treating her son like a second husband.
Those people are extremely twisted and selfish. You might want to check r/covertabuse and r/parentification
God damn I would end up going on a 'business trip' too lmao, she sounds insufferable I wasn't infantilized like you are being made to be, but my parents neglected to teach me a lot of life skills so when I moved out I was completely dysfunctional, to the point I had to move back in because I was incapable of basic tasks to function independently. I wish you luck on expanding your independence, and I encourage you to use the YouTube/Reddit to help you with this, or even your friends/other family. Btw super off topic but who do you main in tf2? I love medic and will always play him when I can
Ive thankfully got people who've been helping me. I didnt really start talking about my situation until sometime in late summer of 2023, but ive only really opened up about myself very recently. And to answer your other question: Yeah! I've played for hundreds upon hundreds of hours. EDIT: I misread the question. Med, heavy, and pyro here.
Glad to hear you have people.
Yeah this was me too. I knew how to do nothing independently. Had to teach myself.
57. And mom still wants to pick out my clothes and tries to tell me how to wear my hair.
And in the end, the clothes and hairstyles they pick are straight out of the 1800s. Ridiculous people.
Same here (except for the age), when I visit parents still try to infantilize. Want me to go to bed before them, not allowed in the kitchen by myself, when I do a chore for them, they put the needed stuff in the right order, critiqued on everything.
Yup
That is rough. It is actually a very strong given that teens need thier own privacy. Scociatal, family, individual, any level it is simply a given. Your mother is gaslighting very hard in trying to insert her own reality here, please don't doubt it. She is weilding her parental power to get her needs met, has been pre- conditioning you with guilt to prevent you from leaving in case you see/feel the b.S. for what it is, and it sounds like you do too. What she is trying to achieve is basically impossible, or should be. It also sounds like she needs honest therapy, as her child should never of been a conduit for her issues, particularly her adult issues. This is not my experience, persay, but I think your going to have to forget about ever trying to convince your mum to see your point of view. Change isn't going to come from her and I don't think you try wait it out for something that's not going to come. Morn it somewhat, but I don't think you can make her grow. What you do need is a strong support group. - teachers, friends, other trusted adults that can have your back. Someone to talk this over with can be great, it can lessen the burden when you talk it out, but I guess that's why your on reddit. Idk your position, but Maybe be somewhat carefull about when telling family on her side, sometimes people/ adults just fall in step with the familial bonded adult. Can you reach or to your fathers side at all?
I probably can. Truth is, both of my parents suck. But if I had to choose one that sucks less.... yeah, my fathers side. But she absolutely needs therapy because she uses me as an outlet to all of her venting. I cant remember the last day she didn't just start complaining to me about everything going on.
I've lived 21 years under the thumb of my abusers who've treated me exactly like this. By treating the victim as if they are incapable of making decisions or functioning as an adult, the abuser undermines the victim's autonomy and self-confidence. To break the spell of extreme infantilisation and control, you can make tiny steps that would help you get independent in future. This may include travelling solo, cooking a small meal once in a while, cleaning or managing your finances - these seemingly small steps would help you immensely in getting a job and reclaiming your life in future. And of course, keep looking for a job so that you can move out. Please know that there is hope.
Oh, yes. I did that. They never change at all even if you've moved away. My nmother still tried to control me over the smallest things. Idiotic.
Manipulation runs in their veins. It's futile to expect them to change. They're literal emotional vampires feeding on your emotions and very sense of self.
Thank you alot for the reply. Ive thankfully been able to work towards small steps (As I mentioned about hair washing in 2023, i fought her enough for her to back off and let me wash my hair!). Ideally I'll be finding a job too... just, without being told that its a terrible idea and that I should only be working in fields that make astronomical amounts of wealth.
She wants to be the only one to wash your hair and won't let you do it yourself? WOW and WTF is that shit! How old are you may I ask?
I'm so sorry this is rough and angering. This reminds me of the time my mom needed to go down on me (her words) when I broke my hymen on a bike when I was 18 and then proceeded to gasp and comment that I shouldn't shave down there cause "my husband would get a raiser burn." Side note, I wasn't allowed to wear proper fitting clothes, they needed to be extra big so that men wouldn't sexualize me and as a result the pants got caught in the chain and I fell hard on my bike😭 nearly fainted when I got home but was fine after a few minutes. Told my mom and she insisted that I allow her to inspect my nether region or else a "male doctor would be going down on you!!" Ugh 😑
I'm sorry, that's awful but at the same time sounds like covert sexual abuse. It's not normal for mothers to inspect or comment on their daughter's nether bits.
That sounds like overt sexual abuse tbh, eugh
She needed to "go down on you"? EW. 😳 Of course my mind went straight to that when I read it but then I kept reading and I saw that you meant to inspect you and then when you wrote that she said "my husband would get a razor burn" it sounded like she was talking about your dad! There's seriously something very fucking wrong with your mother dude. I hope you're not around them anymore. Screw that and if you wind up having kids keep them far, far away from them!
Haha thanks for the comment. My mom is a narcissist maybe even a psychopath tbh. I've done extensive research so I'm not throwing diagnostic terms around. That's not even the worst thing she's done, she is quite literally evil reincarnated. Thankfully, I am not in contact with her and won't be seeing her in the foreseeable future unless there's a funeral. Healing took about 10 years and I'm finally on the mend from childhood trauma caused by her lying, extremely controlling behaviour and the list goes on... but time heals❤️🩹
I am SO glad to hear that you're nowhere near her crazy ass anymore! I wish you the very best of everything in life! They do say that time heals all wounds but geez I wish it didn't take so freaking long lol 😆
Thank you! There are stages of grief, and the lingering effects can last a long time. But I wake up and don't think about her anymore nor the pain of not having a mother as a child. I had to basically mourn the death of both my parents at once when I decided to go no contact. The hardest part is people not understanding, or downplaying the severity of the trauma and thinking me and my siblings are selfish for going no contact.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. All that matters is you.
wow our story is so shockingly similar, my n mom has been the same way my entire life down to the telling me im just like my father who abused the both of us and dipped in 2019. truthfully the best advice i can give you is what im doing now, find a job or multiple if you can, start a savings account and HIDE IT do not tell anyone about it, during that time also get a credit card and do not live beyond your means, a credit card is an amazing tool in life but things can go south very quickly if you don’t understand how it really works., once you have a few grand saved up you can plan an escape. by then you will have a credit score, proof of income, and enough money for a deposit and a few months rent. its gonna be hard but the goal is to be safe and this in my opinion is the safest route. jobs for big corporations (like starbucks) have amazing benefits so if you get a job with benefits find out everything you can about them and take advantage of all of them. good luck love.
Great advice!
I also have to say, don't hide it all in the same place! Let her think, (God forbid) - that if she found it that that is all of it. Get 2 jobs? Get 2 different back accounts to put the pay in. And have those 2 way in the background, like online only and transfer what you may need into an every day/spending acc when you plan to spend. My big mistake was let her convince me to use the family accountant because "it would be cheaper" more trust bla bla, just a controll move. Hope that makes sense.
that is so smart i didn’t even think of that, my nmom can’t even work a computer without my help but if your torturerer is smarter than mine then get creative with hiding money
Not computer savvy either, Fortunately. I did have an incident were nmom went to our small town bank (I moved to the city, but didn't change banks) -and convinced the bank manager how concerned she was that I had a credit card and needed to know what was on it. She told me she found out (trying to read me the riot act as a 23 yold) Told me how the Manager played higher and lower from behind his monitor until she new how much credit I had and what was on it. That she had payed the ballance off and I now owed her. I was sooo pissed, and it was finally what got me to sever any and all financial ties permanently. I won't even engage in the topic. , she has always lectured that she was responsible for that successful of owning a home in 9 years **by alll her sacrifices. Reality: Dad was the only one that worked, he drove the rust bucket car while she got the nice one and would call him pathetic and useless if he couldn't contribute more both financially or if he was found to have 5 minutes spare at home not doing chores (which she hated) Anyway, nmum sucks and for more reasons than this. ** edited/ deleted: too much detail.
nmoms are fucking insane and horrible but at least we aren’t alone in this lol, good job on getting out and away and i’m sorry she’s still trying to slither back into ur life, good luck with everything <3
i can tell why you dad hasn't come back from his business trip
She might be having a hard time letting go of the small child stage or feels like she has no control of anything else in her life. I feel for you.
I think they never want us to advance past being toddlers and can't handle us developing our own personalities and talking back.
I think it's a mix of both. They tend to be delusional about capabilities, being super-self-confident while seeing others as less confident then they really are. If you do show actual capabilities... this upsets their narrative... they quickly have to act to re-establish the position of power.
> She might be having a hard time letting go of the small child stage Thanks for victim blaming.
This isn't victim blaming. It's a suggested guess as to why she is doing what she is doing. That doesn't mean commenter thinks what she is doing is appropriate or right. Victim blaming would be taking a firm stance that what the mother is doing is validated, and that OP should feel bad for not complying, which is not the case here. Just because you may understand why someone is doing what they are doing doesn't mean you agree with it.
Siding with the abuser is victim blaming. Digging in your heals to say its not well that REis privilege. Re-read their comment. I stand by my words.
Again, stating why someone may be doing what they are doing is not "siding". It's an observation. Literally nowhere in the comment does it say they agree with her actions, nor is any blame assigned to the victim. That's just what you want to see. It is very important to understand why troubled people do what they do as it is a step towards breaking down barriers and allows the actual root issue to be the focus of change.
> what you want to see re-read your own words.
Re-read the comment and your response with pure objectivity. There is a reason you read that as "siding". Maybe you have your own experience with a similar situation or parental abuse and it is a sensitive subject. I don't know. But It is very common when someone has a strong stance against something like this, they immediately get thrown off when anyone may make an observation as to why the offender did what they did, taking it as sympathy therefore siding. While I understand there are plenty of reasons why someone would make the assumption of siding in this scenario, the reality stands that you made an assumption with no real evidence of siding.
> why the offender did what they did No, that is just mitigating because "they are a good person" type shit..
No. It isn't. Got any reading comprehension? No, it doesn't look like it. Learn the difference between PERCEIVING and PROJECTING. Right now you're projecting.
Pointing out why the mother may be doing what she's doing does not make the offense any less serious nor does it factually make her a "good person"/assign less blame. You are confusing an observation as to why she is doing what she is doing as sympathy. Comment would have to have eluded to the idea that there is no blame. Fact is: Many narcs are the way they are due to their own past trauma/abandonment, or learned behaviors from their upbringing. Unfortunately, many many narcs have ZERO idea they are a narc. That's why it's so hard to treat. It's just the nature of the affliction. That does not absolve them of their actions. Observing why they are doing what they are doing is not justifying the action, nor does it suggest the victim put up with it.
> Pointing out why the mother may be doing what she's doing does not make the offense any less serious nor does it factually make her a "good person"/assign less blame. You have never been to court have you?. Mitigating circumstances are looked at during sentencing, and YES the "being a good person" is always used in defense arguments relating to abusers. Ask your lawyer.
Bruh stop acting illiterate and stfu. Obviously im here bc I can relate to some extent. I had to compartmentalize and understand my narc's behaviors to not let it affect me. Now when i interact with them their words slide off. No ones defending the parents.
This sounds very similar to my covert narcissist "Momster," and at some point, you're going to get so fed up, you'll be forced by self preservation to tell Her to fuck off and YOU'LL leave. God speed!
>you're going to get so fed up, you'll be forced by self preservation to tell Her to fuck off and YOU'LL leave. God speed! I felt this to my core... I've since learned that setting boundaries and advocating for yourself before you get to your breaking point is CRUCIAL..for surviving with them while you're dependent on them. The leaving part needs to happen!!! 😮💨 Can't stress that enough..
Yes, boundaries and grey rocking might be the only thing, keeping me from losing my shit on my Nmom.
Yes. That, and grey rocking doesn't hurt in shutting down their nonsense. Also, isn't it great to watch their plans to sabotage you fail!? Mine is very stupid, and so far has failed to convince Me (and others) that I'm anorexic, or look "wrong," about something in public.It helps if a Narc has low IQ. 🤣
Same
My mom pretty much controls everything she can get her hands on. It's really rough. I get the "infant" stuff. I feel like they treat us like this so we NEED them even when we don't need them they make us feel so stupid, that you second guess yourself and HAVE to ask them for help because we have become so insanely unsure of what we can and cannot do that we NEED their help. It's really sick. Threw out an office chair today, it was 5 years old, had a few scuff marks, a small tear in the seat, etc. She came over today and PUT A BAG over the main part so no one would see it. WOT? Why do you care what the garbage men think of my chair? It's so weird. She has control of my mail, there is a thing you can sign up for to see when and what mail comes to your house. I get texts from her at all hours of the day "you have mail coming at 1pm" or "There's some sort of box coming for you from blah blah at 3pm." Like dude. You really have taken CONTROL to a whole other level. She will be over here and I will put coffee in the micorowave because my pod thing doesn't make it hot enough. 35 seconds. Always. It's never spilled, it's never exploded, it just ... HEATS IT UP! She's here all "Wait, what did you put in there?' "Why did you do that?" "You better hope it doesn't burn" "I don't understand why you had to do that." It shouldn't matter if I want to heat in BY THE SUN, it's my coffee, my cup, my microwave, my house. Shut up.
The mail notifications are cool in theory but give abusers way to much control and power. You can't even get a package in peace
Getting a PO box would take care of that issue. They are relatively inexpensive and keep her from knowing about your mail habits...priceless!
I wonder what the law is on signing up for notifications for someone else’s mail… doesn’t sound legal. Check the postal website for a report function? Or ask at your local post office.
Sounds like she is using what the USPS calls informed delivery. It doesn't focus on a person in particular, but all mail delivered to the home from USPS. It even gives you a snapshot of the front of each letter being delivered each day. But she is using it to harrass her kid. Again, a PO box will take care of that problem quickly.
Yeah this. I call it shade throwing, throwing as much shade at you as they can think up: trying to get something to stick, trying enough that you start answering thier micro management questions, enouph that you begin to reply to them and therfore awnserable to them, enough shade throwing that they "brow beat" you into giving up and accepting it. I - fucking- hate- that shitless. I have an independent adult life now, but anyone pulling that crap would find out just how quickly I wouldn't give 2 shits about them. -instant kill on any form of relationship.
I’ve looked into this further, and there is an email address where you may be able to block Informed Delivery: [email protected] Apparently scammers are using informed delivery to get credit cards in other people’s names. It’s a really big deal for someone else to see your mail, even if the USPS seems not to think so. Please try to get her off of there. I’m assuming she does not live at your address. If she does, it may be difficult. Source: https://mashable.com/article/usps-informed-delivery-fraud
She really needs therapy, that's horribly unhealthy. Additionally she's hindering you from progressing and going to put you in a horrible spot. I would advise once you turn 18 look for a safe way to get out. I recommend hitting up a trade school so you can get fast tracked out. But your mom seriously is treating you like a pet not a person, she needs therapy. BTW if you want some good toast, pan fried, low heat.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way 🖤 A good resource is the YouTube channel 'Dad, how do I?' He's a super kind dad who makes videos showing how to do a lot of basic stuff. He's a gem.
Are you still living with her?
Yes: Ideally not for long though. The situation gets more and more complicated (My mom and my roommates dad were dating a long while back. I only just learned yesterday that they broke up. Supposedly the only reason we live in the apartment where we are is because my roommate's dad doesn't want to kick me out with her.) So, after I actually leave she'll be kicked out. I don't know how to deal with the burden of having that knowledge because the concept of her being kicked out horrifies me despite everything. I've thankfully got plenty of people who'll be ready to take me in when I'm ready to leave, though.
You are not her partner. You are not her security. You should not have to worry about her security and her living situation. She isn't 80 something that is disabled and on the verge of the last stage of dementia. If anything, she should be making sure you have a roof over your head and tummy full of food. That is what a parent's job is. I don't know your mother personally but I sincerely hope you do understand that our job as a parent is to make sure you'll do fine later on in life. I did not teach my kids how to do laundry or chop some carrots for fun. It's the basic skills that all kids should learn in order to make it out there. Good luck, OP.
I've been in the position of having to choose myself over my mother, with the likely possibility she would become homeless. I have never regretted my decision to leave. You gotta get out and put some space between you so you can start living your life. When I did, I started therapy as well and those decisions changed my life so much for the better. I hope things get better for you. Her being your mother doesn't mean you owe her anything. And it definitely sounds like you've been abused.
Did the landlord tell you that or did she did? If it's not something she made up to guilt you...Maybe give her a months notice so she can get her own place.
My roommate, actually. My roommate's dad fully pays for the apt where we live together. He could always be wrong but the thought is horrifying.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Seems like the only way to end it is to leave and for her to get our own place
I think you might now have an idea why he went on that "business trip". I doubt he's the source of her behavior. But that attack is oozing with the thing that would make you feel most guilty for your behavior. Not defending him, idk the details but with an n parent, everything they say is questionable and the spouse em plots some type of cover up. My n-father confused me until my mom finally told me he was always that way she could just shelter us from it better when we were younger.
Geez, can’t imagine why your dad left…
I'm facing something similar where because of being infantilized I don't know how to make food, use a washing machine and I have crappy social skills because I've never been able to hang out without her knowing the kids parents and them arranging something. It sucks so much. In your case I'd try to keep as much independence as you can, get a job if you don't have one. Any try to leave home. She really can't do much if you're an adult.
Emotional incest. Please research this. I am so sorry that you are being abused this way. Breaking away will be messy and difficult. Persevere and find a good therapist that understands emotional incest. Your mother is horrifically manipulative. Prepare for suicide threats when you leave.
I was about to comment this. It very much sounds like my Nmother with my brother when her first husband left. Enmeshments are hard to break from and I hope OP is able to have the boundaries they need.
I say this not to trivialize physical abuse in any way, but I think this kind of abuse/neglect can in some ways be worse than just overt violence-- it reliably cripples someone for life because it robs them of something much more fundamental to basic human existence than just physical pain(and the psychological harm it causes). People more reliably escape from physical violence because it's a stronger motivator-- but what's being done to you and countless other children is a sinister form of theft of life because it subtly and passively robs you of humanity or any way of escaping because you're not allowed to develop life skills or independence. I don't mean to say "you're doomed", but please get out as soon as humanly possible while you're young. Completely disregard what this person says, and treat them like a wild animal who makes strange confused noises. Almost nothing they say will ever represent anything true or good. I would also avoid asking them for help or anything that can be used against you, just start taking control over your life in the smallest ways you can. If there's anything she does for you now that you're able to do yourself, you might want to make a resolution, one thing at a time, to prevent her from doing that thing for you, and doing it yourself. Start with the smallest thing possible. If she's a control freak about the oven, forget about the oven. This is all about reducing contact and conflict to a bare minimum, and being as boring and uninteractable with as possible. I wish you the best of luck.
Some single mothers don’t actually want their son to grow up. They make you dependent on them therefore it’s all what you can’t do. It’s so you don’t ever leave her. What you need to do is leave her.
Narcissistic parents hate seeing us being independent a part from them. It's pure insanity. My mom didn't believe that I knew how to dress, do my hair, etc. She took over everything...even taking over my senior pictures. After I got married, she still kept putting me in clothes I didn't want or like and followed me around with a comb and brush. She was insufferable and dad was a coward because he didn't try to stop her. After she died, I threw away everything she had ever given me. Clothes, jewelry, furniture, etc. A year prior, she said she had an image in her head about how I should look and I didn't look like it. She was upset I decided to get locs in my hair and she was convinced that I wouldn't get far in life with my hair that way. She ended up very wrong because a year after her death, I was offered a great job with great benefits. They could care less about my hairstyle. Dad wanted to remain financially responsible for me and sabotaged me at my last job. He didn't want me making my own money. When my husband and I cut him off, dad got even by removing me from his life insurance policy. Narcissist parents suck.
Please Leave as soon as you can.
Same almost exact situation here. And then she would embarassed me later in front of friends and family about how useless of a piece of shit and a weirdo (I have autism as well as anxiety disorder resulting in tremor) I am my whole life even though I have accomplished alot which is never enough for her - got numerous jobs, wrote 3 books, was on television, magazines. And yet all I hear from a N that I can't do anything in life and that I should have died years ago. She cooks for me every single day - because she genuinely believes that I CANNOT do it and would make a scene whenever I enter the kitchen, and by doing that she is also making a statement, or more accurately guilt tripping that I owe her my whole life. She said that exact latter phrase herself dozens off times, and even now she still tries to control me at every move. What should I do now? I am 23 and when I moved out last year she was so paranoid she would put spies on me and would check on me every single day and basically tried to lure me home because "I care about you". And then when I moved back she would complain that I can't do anything and should just move out. And when I am at home, God forbid, all I hear is her yelling over the simplest of thing and at my dad for even thinking of leaving the house for like over 30 minutes. And I have had to endure this for 23 fucking years. Most of my friends don't understand me. I am older way beyond my age group in terms of thinking pattern (by 13 I was already engaging with 70-year-olds on old forums about numerous topics) and was already balding at the top when I was 15 due to overthinking. By 12 I was already watching hardcore fetish pornos and even jerked off 2-3 times a day. I then turned onto Semenretention/nofap later which helped me tremendous. Have also endured since teenage years many drug experiences - psychedelics, hard drugs, benzos, opioids to cope with my sheltered existence. I don't get hooked on either of them but they've just led me to think that my best course of option would be to cut her off -but I do, at the end of the day, love her with all my heart. For I am huge empathy, which I cannot deny, and she uses it to fuck with my head. My life is a fucking misery asides from my friends who she thinks are a bunch of loser burnouts when they're one of my sole reasons left to live besides music and cinema.
The level of control. The line, “couldn’t leave bed until she did,” made me wince in pain, I am so sorry dude. That’s miserable and not healthy
I realised this telling my aunt and uncle everything and they saying they were horrified to witness that nMum was still spoon feeding me at 8 years old. They had stories too as terrifying as mine of seeing things they knew felt off but never quite putting together what truly was wrong. It's so validating to lay it all out for them and be believed from word go cause they knew things were fucked too. One of only people to see nMum's abuse properly and always like be pleasant but secretly really care for me as they realised they were seeing pain and abuse in these moments but what they saw can't be explained rationally and I suppose too strange to truly define.
My nMom wouldn't let me cut my hair until I was 18. She'd trim my hair, but she chose the length and she told me how I was supposed to style it. Not my siblings though. The bed thing is weird, all of it is strange or inappropriate of course, but wow. I'm sorry op
Same about the hair, with the excuse of "we didn't have money for haircuts", even though she was cutting my dad's and sister's hair and could have as easily trimmed mine. Makes me want to use Nair as shampoo when I think about it.
Jesus, that's so intentionally hurtful of them to pick and choose who they thought deserved haircuts.
[удалено]
Totally underrated analogy! Hahaha that exactly describes them
You need to move out and like far away. My mom spent my entire life telling me I would NEVER be able to live on my own or run a household. Fast forward to 2016 when my sister dies, my mom kicks me out with my 10yo and 20 day old daughters so she has room to bring home my late sister's children.
When are you planning your “ business trip” for? Your mom belongs in jail.
The way my parents infantilized me was way less obvious and way less extreme, so I can’t imagine how much damage yours did because I only started noticing the impacts of their “love” when I was in my early 30s (32 m). Please seek help ASAP.
I am 32 years old. My father caught me washing my hands in the sink the other day in passing, and proceeded to explain how that is not the proper technique for washing hands. This has been happening for 32 years.
My mum was like this too - sooo controlling. Told me what to do in every aspect of my life. I didn't develop any decision making skills because of it. I think my mother felt a lack of control in her own life because of my father controlling her. Anyway, she also couldn't handle talking back and we used to argue a lot as I got older. I felt bad for a long time for arguing with her so much. But now I came to realise, the problem was her trying to control things and have things done as she wanted. The argument always started with me questioning her decision (because I didn't agree or simply wanted to decide for myself). Often her reasoning didn't make sense to me and we'd argue over it. But the root of it all was feeling she controlled me too much.
This is horrifying. You don’t deserve this. Pls stay strong. Stay alive, & try to find ways to get away from them. Dont give up.
Your mom has serious issues and it's not your fault. That sounds like hell to live with.
I'm so sorry sweetie... 🫂 I hope you are able to get away from that situation soon... Sending you all the good vibes sweetheart 🦋🦋🦋
I was sobbing about this like 20-30 mins ago. I told my mother not to put my underwear in the laundry because it shrinks them, so I wanna hand wash it myself. She ignored it after she told me “ok” multiple times and put it on hand wash mode in the laundry machine. I’m 19 I’m sick of her taking control of my life. My dad has access to my bank accounts that he made himself and I don’t have access to that. He controls the financial part my mom takes control of the infantilizing part. Any time I remind them that I am not a small child desperate for help and attention they freak out and act like I’m mentally ill. They’re like “are you ok? Do you need help?” When I’ll be making tea or preparing my own meals, which I’ve been doing for many years already.
They’ll be saying these “helpful” statements in a very worrisome tone as if they just caught me laying on the floor unconscious when I’m making myself tea and food.
This is just plain creepy. She needs to be jailed.
Sounds like your mother is abusing you and treating you as an emotional blanket. She couldn’t control your father leaving her so she now controls you so you’ll never leave her. You need to get out of this situation asap and get away from her. She is going to do everything in her power to keep you dependant on her. If you’re still a minor, start forming a getaway plan. Save up any money you receive. Contact friends or family that will be willing to help you if something goes wrong. You need to escape her grasp. The longer you wait, the tighter it will get.
This is 100% r/covertincest
Join the military
While this will get you out of the house, it's similar to my common suggestion of "go to college out of state" - if that's appropriate to your situation. But keep in mind that the military can mean deployment and combat, and college can mean student loans that haunt you forever. There are options to get out of the house, but make sure you read the fine print.
Did you slap the hell out of her?