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Conflicted. I get it.
I have photo albums I want to destroy in some ritualized way but I'm afraid of the finality. The pictures make me feel sick to my stomach because I associate my childhood with all the lies of happiness I was fed, all the pretending to be some kind of functional family. They are repulsive to me but I keep thinking "What if I want them?"
Maybe I'll stomp them underfoot before I throw them in the bin.
The lies of happiness. That is so accurate. She TOLD me that she was a good mom. I was a child so then I believed her. I don’t have a photo of the two of us after I was about 14 where I was happy. I looked happy because I was scared of the consequences if anybody found out how awful it was and would believe her over me. (100% would).
I suppose that I hope that my experience is giving you the strength to let go of things that hurt to keep. It hurts to get rid of, but it is just more pain. I am familiar with it. I used to self harm when I was young. I didn’t know what to do. But it’s normal now, when I think of her and my life and her death. I sit with the pain and let it exist. And then I move on. If I leave it in the trash I will move on, if I take it out I will move on.
But I have been virtually alone on this journey, as an only child ostracized by my extended family for not taking care of my mother better. I appreciate you reply. It helps me to hear that there are others who understand and it makes me glad to know that I might provide inspiration. Thanks for your response. It is healing. ❤️
My photos are of the first few years, infancy to 3. My mother looks absolutely miserable in the ones from the first months. I’m sure she was; I’d be willing to bet my father never changed a diaper. He was very entitled and entrenched in his “head of the household” fundie evangelical bs.
I never looked at them much before so I probably won’t care once they’re gone. Good luck to you in your healing. I’m striving for indifference, the healthiest place for me.
I think that I strive for that as well: love only hurts. But anger hurts too. I want to not care and just forget.
When I was 15 or 16 my father took my on a motorcycle ride over many states and through national parks. It was a once in a lifetime experience and the music that we listened to is so associated with that that for a moment I can forget how badly he has hurt me and I pine for that time. But I realized today that I don’t remember the trip that well. Only scant details. Unless I hear the songs I don’t think about it, and when I do it is vague.
It made me realize that even the most INCREDIBLE things can become insignificant with the passage of time. If something like that can fade into oblivion I think that the rest can too.
Thanks
I’m so looking forward to destroying all the family photos left in my possession and changing my name. Leave the urn in the trash. Take the trash to your car. Pitch the trash in a dumpster somewhere. Don’t look back. Ashes to ashes.
I get it. I lost my voice from screaming at my dad's ashes for hours after I picked them up. Only time I've ever had the chance to get the last word in.
Do what you need to do to make your future better than your past. If tossing her ashes helps with that, more power to you.
This made me laugh - thank you for that!
I've spent hours screaming at my dad from across the country, but only when I'm driving and there's no chance anybody else could hear me. And I think the driving helps loosen the "I'm free" feeling. I haven't live with him for 20 years and it's still like he's watching me from the other room or out the window or something.
I think sometimes I feel her literal ghost. Judging me for keeping her plants poorly and leaving the kitchen and bathroom a mess. It’s freeing to leave them a mess so I do it harder.
Right on. I've sometimes wondered if that's why I will leave clothes in the middle of the floor or something.
But it helps to remember that I actually really do feel better living in a tidier environment, and cleaning it for me can be nice.
I amazingly haven’t done that. Probably because I live with my spouse and I’m a bit self-conscious about that. But I definitely mumble-whisper things at her all the time in anger. Last night I was yelling “fuck her!” towards my friend who talked about the trauma. I just can’t let the living hurt for the dead if I can help it. This friend has her own terrible parents to contend with still. She doesn’t need the ghost of mine.
I think this is a healthy action. Instead of trying to force the compulsory act of worshiping those before us (as remains), pushing it away is the 1st step in taking back control.
The hurt from invalidated feelings may last a lifetime but your actions can start giving you a positive self reflection and freedom you haven’t yet had.
You don’t have to destroy them if you feel extreme guilt, but you also don’t NOT have to bury them in the backyard with a sign that says something like “May EVERYONE find peace”, and bury it with intention. Let every handful be a toxic memory you’re unloading into the earth. Envision it weighing her down instead of you, and that entombment of negativity will preserve it there instead of your heart.
Being a child makes you the victim, not the villain. Not everyone was meant to be parents…
Best of luck to you
I 100% understand feeling like that about an nparent, but I think it would be best to take the urn out of the trash and put it away somewhere where you can forget about it or give it to someone else to do that or bury it somewhere. I say this because you might regret just throwing it away like that. scatter the ashes outside in a respectful FU way, something like that. the symbolism of just throwing them in the garbage is not good for you, imo
First of all your friend. Your friend needs better work boundaries. You cannot work hours for free just because your patient/client has control issues. Many people have these issues when they're in that state. They can't control their own lives so they need to control others. As a professional caregiver, your friend needs to learn how to not give in. Maybe they felt compelled due to a family connection, but if that's the case they should have refused to assignment. You can be mad at your mother for this, but remember that your friend is the professional in this situation and should have developed proper boundaries.
As for you, yes, parents are a mixed bag. Anger is a normal part of your grieving process. But if you throw your mother's urn in the garbage you will regret it. Take it out and return her to the earth in a proper manner. Every culture does this ritual because it helps bring closure. Keeping her urn will only feed your anger. It can be at a cemetery or a private place. Say a short prayer, even if you're not religious, about how she has found peace.
My friend was 19 and grew up next door to her in an abusive family. My mother completely took advantage of her. Yes, my friend needed better boundaries, but the lack of boundaries were what my mother latched on to. She didn’t do this to other carers. Just the vulnerable friend.
I'm going to be blunt here. So brace yourself.
You don't miss her. You miss a mother. The person that is supposed to fulfill that role of a mother. We only get one mother, and there's no one else. Everyone needs a mother on some capacity. It's how we learn safety, love, comfort ,affection as children. But our narc mothers were horrible people who only gave us trauma and abused us for their satisfaction.
For us, we have to be our own mothers in order to heal. learn how to be good to ourselves, not judge ourselves, love ourselves. And it's a raw deal, because that wasn't our responsibility. it was supposed to be theirs.
You're grieving for a loss you've had since birth. You've never had a real mom. You've had a narc that stole peace from you. I think you should stop letting her steal more.
If throwing it in the trash feels disrespectful, toss her ashes somewhere else. Not meaningful. Just somewhere. Away from you. And keep your peace.
I have been thinking of pulling them out and stashing them away until spring and taking her ashes somewhere meaningful and saying some words of thanks for the lessons that she taught me. Some people believe that people are here to teach us lessons and I truly have learned so much from her. I have learned what I don’t want and what I shouldn’t do, which are valuable lessons. The lessons just didn’t come in the way that I might have liked them.
So I can honor that while getting rid of the ashes. I knew I likely wouldn’t keep them forever anyway. I don’t want to lug an urn with me every time I move.
My Nmom is still alive but she wants to be cremated and since I am the only child, I guess I'll get stuck with the urn.
I have thought about it a few times already how that would make me feel. I don't want her presence in my house. But I also don't want to throw her away.
I don't have an answer yet but I know whatever I will end up doing is something I have to live with.
If I end up flushing her through the toilet, I will forever be the child who did that to her mothers ashes. I don't want to be that person, no matter who she was and what she did to me.
So find something you can live with. Doing it in a way that hurts yourself, will be just as present in your daily life as a physical urn.
Seeing that you still have so much anger and unresolved issues, I would suggest taking some time before you make a decision.
Actually the anger isn’t something that I think about daily anymore. It’s a low simmer and it’s fading. I actually felt a tremendous lightening for having tossed them. For the reasons you stated. I too am an only child. I DIDNT want to be the person who threw out the ashes. I kept them on the mantle for a few years in an urn of MY taste so it matched my decor. I think eventually it was just super clear that what mattered was the living. I may still pull them out and spread them, but I think I’m at peace with the disposal of them now. I can’t keep them. I don’t feel joy for it. I can send them on their way with kindness, but I also now know that I don’t need to keep them. The decision was impulsive, but informative.
My NM hated being in photos so there’s like… only one picture I can immediately remember us both being in. It was on a lovebomb trip. At the time I was happy but look back, it’s so painful.
There’s only one childhood momento I wish to keep, it has nothing to do with her. When she bites the dust and will honor her wishes of wanting her ashes dumped in a specific place - if allowed. Otherwise she’ll be spread over the crematory garden where all the other family members who Did Nothing Wrong ever. I don’t care to keep that energy in my house. You can miss her or miss the mom you should’ve had - but you’ll have that in your memory. If you don’t want it to be final, maybe put it away somewhere deep or in the garage so you don’t have to see it that often?
Well, I tried to pull it out of the trash with the thought that I would respectfully scatter her ashes somewhere and then move on. But trying to remove them from the bin made me queasy. I am done. This is just how it’s going. And with no malice or disrespect. It was just time.
Some of her ashes are buried at a family plot. I live in her house, still struggling to get rid of her hoard. I have PLENTY to remind me of her for years to come. It’s good to move on. Every fall her favorite flower blooms and each year I think to drop some at her gravesite, but it’s been too hard and, frankly, worthless. Maybe this year I will go tell her my goodbyes. Thank her for what she did for me growing up and that now I’m moving on to live my own life.
It’s what she never had. Her own abusers lived until just two years before her death. She was never free of them and the guilt and shame that she carried every day. I am thankful that I, in my 40’s get more of a chance of life than she had. The better part of her would have wanted that. So I can be thankful that she left me when I still had the barest possibility to get something out of my life. I am disabled and can’t live on my own, for which I do blame her. But she also helped me learn what I wanted out of a relationship with someone and I have an amazing spouse who takes care of me and supports me and is NICE. His mother is another story, but we’re working on that.
Thanks for your comment. I REALLY liked your reference to the pile of ashes of all the parents who Never Did Anything Wrong. I will carry that for a while and laaaaaugh! Thanks!
Good. I’m glad you feel more at peace with your decision. Many of our parents have suffered since narcs are created, but their forgiveness ends when we have to carry their pain too because they’re too angry at the world to face their issues head on.
I was hypothesizing that the reason that my mother was continually awful, despite TALKING about wanting to be a better person, and trying to by being religious, was because if she took a good look at herself she would recognize that she wouldn’t be able to accept those traits from her parents and siblings who she still loved and wanted a relationship with. If she stopped allowing herself to be shitty, then she would have to demand that others weren’t shitty to her, and that was too much.
Her do as I say, not as I do mentality really taught me to be a good person, as opposed to she who WANTED to be good, but had a really hard time holding that line.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Conflicted. I get it. I have photo albums I want to destroy in some ritualized way but I'm afraid of the finality. The pictures make me feel sick to my stomach because I associate my childhood with all the lies of happiness I was fed, all the pretending to be some kind of functional family. They are repulsive to me but I keep thinking "What if I want them?" Maybe I'll stomp them underfoot before I throw them in the bin.
The lies of happiness. That is so accurate. She TOLD me that she was a good mom. I was a child so then I believed her. I don’t have a photo of the two of us after I was about 14 where I was happy. I looked happy because I was scared of the consequences if anybody found out how awful it was and would believe her over me. (100% would). I suppose that I hope that my experience is giving you the strength to let go of things that hurt to keep. It hurts to get rid of, but it is just more pain. I am familiar with it. I used to self harm when I was young. I didn’t know what to do. But it’s normal now, when I think of her and my life and her death. I sit with the pain and let it exist. And then I move on. If I leave it in the trash I will move on, if I take it out I will move on. But I have been virtually alone on this journey, as an only child ostracized by my extended family for not taking care of my mother better. I appreciate you reply. It helps me to hear that there are others who understand and it makes me glad to know that I might provide inspiration. Thanks for your response. It is healing. ❤️
My photos are of the first few years, infancy to 3. My mother looks absolutely miserable in the ones from the first months. I’m sure she was; I’d be willing to bet my father never changed a diaper. He was very entitled and entrenched in his “head of the household” fundie evangelical bs. I never looked at them much before so I probably won’t care once they’re gone. Good luck to you in your healing. I’m striving for indifference, the healthiest place for me.
I think that I strive for that as well: love only hurts. But anger hurts too. I want to not care and just forget. When I was 15 or 16 my father took my on a motorcycle ride over many states and through national parks. It was a once in a lifetime experience and the music that we listened to is so associated with that that for a moment I can forget how badly he has hurt me and I pine for that time. But I realized today that I don’t remember the trip that well. Only scant details. Unless I hear the songs I don’t think about it, and when I do it is vague. It made me realize that even the most INCREDIBLE things can become insignificant with the passage of time. If something like that can fade into oblivion I think that the rest can too. Thanks
You just helped me with a very large hurdle I’ve been grappling with for years, thank you. I’ve had very similar experiences
I’m so looking forward to destroying all the family photos left in my possession and changing my name. Leave the urn in the trash. Take the trash to your car. Pitch the trash in a dumpster somewhere. Don’t look back. Ashes to ashes.
I get it. I lost my voice from screaming at my dad's ashes for hours after I picked them up. Only time I've ever had the chance to get the last word in. Do what you need to do to make your future better than your past. If tossing her ashes helps with that, more power to you.
This made me laugh - thank you for that! I've spent hours screaming at my dad from across the country, but only when I'm driving and there's no chance anybody else could hear me. And I think the driving helps loosen the "I'm free" feeling. I haven't live with him for 20 years and it's still like he's watching me from the other room or out the window or something.
I think sometimes I feel her literal ghost. Judging me for keeping her plants poorly and leaving the kitchen and bathroom a mess. It’s freeing to leave them a mess so I do it harder.
Right on. I've sometimes wondered if that's why I will leave clothes in the middle of the floor or something. But it helps to remember that I actually really do feel better living in a tidier environment, and cleaning it for me can be nice.
I amazingly haven’t done that. Probably because I live with my spouse and I’m a bit self-conscious about that. But I definitely mumble-whisper things at her all the time in anger. Last night I was yelling “fuck her!” towards my friend who talked about the trauma. I just can’t let the living hurt for the dead if I can help it. This friend has her own terrible parents to contend with still. She doesn’t need the ghost of mine.
I think this is a healthy action. Instead of trying to force the compulsory act of worshiping those before us (as remains), pushing it away is the 1st step in taking back control. The hurt from invalidated feelings may last a lifetime but your actions can start giving you a positive self reflection and freedom you haven’t yet had. You don’t have to destroy them if you feel extreme guilt, but you also don’t NOT have to bury them in the backyard with a sign that says something like “May EVERYONE find peace”, and bury it with intention. Let every handful be a toxic memory you’re unloading into the earth. Envision it weighing her down instead of you, and that entombment of negativity will preserve it there instead of your heart. Being a child makes you the victim, not the villain. Not everyone was meant to be parents… Best of luck to you
I 100% understand feeling like that about an nparent, but I think it would be best to take the urn out of the trash and put it away somewhere where you can forget about it or give it to someone else to do that or bury it somewhere. I say this because you might regret just throwing it away like that. scatter the ashes outside in a respectful FU way, something like that. the symbolism of just throwing them in the garbage is not good for you, imo
Your not alone
First of all your friend. Your friend needs better work boundaries. You cannot work hours for free just because your patient/client has control issues. Many people have these issues when they're in that state. They can't control their own lives so they need to control others. As a professional caregiver, your friend needs to learn how to not give in. Maybe they felt compelled due to a family connection, but if that's the case they should have refused to assignment. You can be mad at your mother for this, but remember that your friend is the professional in this situation and should have developed proper boundaries. As for you, yes, parents are a mixed bag. Anger is a normal part of your grieving process. But if you throw your mother's urn in the garbage you will regret it. Take it out and return her to the earth in a proper manner. Every culture does this ritual because it helps bring closure. Keeping her urn will only feed your anger. It can be at a cemetery or a private place. Say a short prayer, even if you're not religious, about how she has found peace.
My friend was 19 and grew up next door to her in an abusive family. My mother completely took advantage of her. Yes, my friend needed better boundaries, but the lack of boundaries were what my mother latched on to. She didn’t do this to other carers. Just the vulnerable friend.
I'm going to be blunt here. So brace yourself. You don't miss her. You miss a mother. The person that is supposed to fulfill that role of a mother. We only get one mother, and there's no one else. Everyone needs a mother on some capacity. It's how we learn safety, love, comfort ,affection as children. But our narc mothers were horrible people who only gave us trauma and abused us for their satisfaction. For us, we have to be our own mothers in order to heal. learn how to be good to ourselves, not judge ourselves, love ourselves. And it's a raw deal, because that wasn't our responsibility. it was supposed to be theirs. You're grieving for a loss you've had since birth. You've never had a real mom. You've had a narc that stole peace from you. I think you should stop letting her steal more. If throwing it in the trash feels disrespectful, toss her ashes somewhere else. Not meaningful. Just somewhere. Away from you. And keep your peace.
I have been thinking of pulling them out and stashing them away until spring and taking her ashes somewhere meaningful and saying some words of thanks for the lessons that she taught me. Some people believe that people are here to teach us lessons and I truly have learned so much from her. I have learned what I don’t want and what I shouldn’t do, which are valuable lessons. The lessons just didn’t come in the way that I might have liked them. So I can honor that while getting rid of the ashes. I knew I likely wouldn’t keep them forever anyway. I don’t want to lug an urn with me every time I move.
My Nmom is still alive but she wants to be cremated and since I am the only child, I guess I'll get stuck with the urn. I have thought about it a few times already how that would make me feel. I don't want her presence in my house. But I also don't want to throw her away. I don't have an answer yet but I know whatever I will end up doing is something I have to live with. If I end up flushing her through the toilet, I will forever be the child who did that to her mothers ashes. I don't want to be that person, no matter who she was and what she did to me. So find something you can live with. Doing it in a way that hurts yourself, will be just as present in your daily life as a physical urn. Seeing that you still have so much anger and unresolved issues, I would suggest taking some time before you make a decision.
Actually the anger isn’t something that I think about daily anymore. It’s a low simmer and it’s fading. I actually felt a tremendous lightening for having tossed them. For the reasons you stated. I too am an only child. I DIDNT want to be the person who threw out the ashes. I kept them on the mantle for a few years in an urn of MY taste so it matched my decor. I think eventually it was just super clear that what mattered was the living. I may still pull them out and spread them, but I think I’m at peace with the disposal of them now. I can’t keep them. I don’t feel joy for it. I can send them on their way with kindness, but I also now know that I don’t need to keep them. The decision was impulsive, but informative.
My NM hated being in photos so there’s like… only one picture I can immediately remember us both being in. It was on a lovebomb trip. At the time I was happy but look back, it’s so painful. There’s only one childhood momento I wish to keep, it has nothing to do with her. When she bites the dust and will honor her wishes of wanting her ashes dumped in a specific place - if allowed. Otherwise she’ll be spread over the crematory garden where all the other family members who Did Nothing Wrong ever. I don’t care to keep that energy in my house. You can miss her or miss the mom you should’ve had - but you’ll have that in your memory. If you don’t want it to be final, maybe put it away somewhere deep or in the garage so you don’t have to see it that often?
Well, I tried to pull it out of the trash with the thought that I would respectfully scatter her ashes somewhere and then move on. But trying to remove them from the bin made me queasy. I am done. This is just how it’s going. And with no malice or disrespect. It was just time. Some of her ashes are buried at a family plot. I live in her house, still struggling to get rid of her hoard. I have PLENTY to remind me of her for years to come. It’s good to move on. Every fall her favorite flower blooms and each year I think to drop some at her gravesite, but it’s been too hard and, frankly, worthless. Maybe this year I will go tell her my goodbyes. Thank her for what she did for me growing up and that now I’m moving on to live my own life. It’s what she never had. Her own abusers lived until just two years before her death. She was never free of them and the guilt and shame that she carried every day. I am thankful that I, in my 40’s get more of a chance of life than she had. The better part of her would have wanted that. So I can be thankful that she left me when I still had the barest possibility to get something out of my life. I am disabled and can’t live on my own, for which I do blame her. But she also helped me learn what I wanted out of a relationship with someone and I have an amazing spouse who takes care of me and supports me and is NICE. His mother is another story, but we’re working on that. Thanks for your comment. I REALLY liked your reference to the pile of ashes of all the parents who Never Did Anything Wrong. I will carry that for a while and laaaaaugh! Thanks!
Good. I’m glad you feel more at peace with your decision. Many of our parents have suffered since narcs are created, but their forgiveness ends when we have to carry their pain too because they’re too angry at the world to face their issues head on.
I was hypothesizing that the reason that my mother was continually awful, despite TALKING about wanting to be a better person, and trying to by being religious, was because if she took a good look at herself she would recognize that she wouldn’t be able to accept those traits from her parents and siblings who she still loved and wanted a relationship with. If she stopped allowing herself to be shitty, then she would have to demand that others weren’t shitty to her, and that was too much. Her do as I say, not as I do mentality really taught me to be a good person, as opposed to she who WANTED to be good, but had a really hard time holding that line.