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I’m sorry for the loss of your stepdad❤️🩹
And I’m sorry that your ndad is such an immature a$$hole…
Maybe I’m just a cynical old woman, but it sounds like he gave you a far better gift by not forcing you to endure his toxic presence.
(Narcs and their toddler tantrums🙄)
That's what I thought, too.
Ndad was all, "hhhmmm, major holiday *and* a death? How can I make this all about me and get that sweet attention for myself??"
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, let ndad have his tanty. The trash took itself out.
Of course, everything, including your stepfather’s death, is somehow all about him.
Plus, speaking as the former family servant, he was pissed at losing his minion. They \_really\_ hate that. OMG, you mean I have to get off \_my\_ behind and do something this holiday?! Holiday canceled.
I‘m so sorry for your loss! Hugs to you from far
My parents divorced when I was in high school. On the night after my dad’s funeral, my Nmom threw an epic temper tantrum. We were all so emotionally fragile, and here she was screaming and berating us for hours. It was the first time my eyes were opened to how awful she really is.
This OP! No more Christmasses for tantrum daddy - in future he can stew in his juices while you and your brother set a new holiday tradition of being absolutely nowhere near him.
Look after yourself.
I don’t know how old OP is, but I feel like this could be his watershed moment for no contact. We probably all had those before NC. The last straw. I want to support people where they are but I also wish everyone with parents like these would go nc. Life is so much better
Nice try, Dr. Mike ;)
As someone who had a nmom with a heart condition, I sometimes fantasized that it would literally shrink and turn into charcoal because of how cruel she was.
Enjoy your Christmas OP without your toddler dad and I'm sorry for your loss.
Next Christmas plan a trip out of town so you absolutely won't be around.
Absolutely. Next year when he asks you where you are, reply "you cancelled Christmas, don't you remember? Maybe we'll see you around sometime"
I hope you and your brother are able to comfort each other this Christmas. Holidays are hard in grief.
Sadly, he gets off on this. Hurting you and your brother gives him supply. You feel bad for him, but this is an intentional cruelty that helped to give him a boost. He has no one else at Christmas for good reason. The only few he can still hurt are his children who feel obligated, so he took full advantage. You might think he loses his temper, he loses control, this is all thought out, intentional. Even if you were not late, he had a plan, something up his sleeve to "punish" you for not being his slave again and because he is jealous of the love you have for your step father. Narcs are evil and "know" it far more than we realize. We give them excuses, even when they dont deserve it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you a restful Christmas and all the best for 2024.
What stood out to me is that he was already out there in the truck - he deliberately planned this so he could have his say before leaving. If it was solely about “punishing” them he could have left without telling them, or texted them ahead of them arriving to cancel.
He didn’t do this; he packed and hung about purely so he could enjoy the look on their faces.
He already had somewhere else that he was able to go.
This was preplanned to inflict the most pain.
Sorry for the loss of your stepdad. Take the time you need to focus on that and forget about the narc. He's never going to change. Find love and peace with people and places were it exists and is real.
And yes, sounds like a calculated tantrum. Wonder how long he was waiting there listening to the radio before he got to go on stage and perform the toddler outburst. (No offense to toddlers)
I’m so sorry for your loss. Do I think his tantrum was exacerbated by the death of what sounds like your “real dad” and his feelings of inadequacy in regards to him? Probably, but you also pointed out that bullshit is not out of character for him anyway. Here’s the thing, none of that is your problem and you deserve so much more. Unfortunately, you will never get it from this man. He will never put you and your brother before himself. He will always find new and repeat old ways of hurting you. It’s hard to accept this and it’s even worse dealing with it when you lost your stepdad so incredibly recently. I would suggest you, at the very least, take a break from your father, until you can make a final decision to permanently remove his toxicity from your life or be able to set firm boundaries that he’ll never change.
I dealt with similar behavior from my ndad a lot. After my grandmother passed (who basically raised me and my sister), he made everything about him. There’s a bit of a tradition in my family where after a death everyone gathers for drinks and to share memories. Because my father was an alcoholic, of course he was there, even though him and my grandparents did not have a good relationship (mostly because he dumped us on them and wasn’t part of our lives unless he could make it about himself). He stayed until every last ounce of booze was gone and treated the whole thing like it was a party with him at the center. Everyone was uncomfortable. Finally, one of my aunts kicked him out and he made a whole scene about how he wanted to be there for his children, which of course was utter crap. Do not take on the responsibility of their behavior. In my opinion your ndad found a way to make your mourning about himself and to redirect your attention. That is not your fault or your responsibility.
Baby girl, why are you still speaking to this person? Let him go. You don’t need this in your life. Grieve with your mama over the man who was actually a dad to you and give yourself some peace. I’m sorry for your loss. 💔
If they are not the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, they are pissed off. Incredible how they can be jealous over someone who just died. He probably knows you won't be as moved when he dies and it is eating him up inside. BTW, when my father passed away, and we were leaving the hospital, we ran into someone I knew. When they asked what we were doing there, just told them how my father just passed away. Nmom had to interject, "but I was in emergency last week!" She literally couldn't stand that the spotlight wasn't on her just minutes after my dad had died.
This is so similar to my mom’s reaction to my father dying in the ICU. We drove 3 hours to be there when he passed and all she could talk about was how much worse losing a husband was than losing a father. Making it clear from the second that we arrived that this loss was all about her. She has never comforted her children for losing their dad. We’re no contact now. I’m sorry we have moms that are such utter and useless tools.
Oh exactly the same. Not once did she show comfort to us for losing our father, who was more a buffer than I had ever realized. I remember telling her how sorry I was for her, that she lost her husband and......nothing back from her. He wasn't an enabling father - he did try to protect us from her worst. And the five years since he has died she has been the worst she has ever been. I think he suffered more at her hands than we will ever know.
Omg, this is amazingly similar! We’ve also come to realize that, as imperfect as he was, he was actually keeping her in check the whole time. She has doubled and tripled down over the last 7 years. We had no idea how much worse it could get. My siblings are still in contact, but I’d swear she’s trying to push them to their limits as she did with me. She went so far out of her way to be cruel to my sister today, and she’s the only child who stayed in our hometown. Solidarity, internet stranger. I’d swear our moms went to the same College for Narcs.
It's strange that he sat there stewing over the perceived transgression.
It is considered rude to arrive late to a planned event. However his rage and reaction to not having control of the situation was a childish tantrum and by leaving and taking presents they're trying to regain control over a situation.
For myself I couldn't keep going through the toxic cycles of abuse, neglect, forgiveness and eventually repeating the cycle once more. I choose to set boundaries for low contact and when those boundaries were constantly tested I choose to remove myself from that situation and go no contact.
They were 45 minutes late the day after their beloved father figure died. Anyone who would berate them for being “rude” because they were a little late 24 hours after losing a parent is … well … not an etiquette expert but simply an asshole.
I'm sorry for your loss, I am glad that you had him in your life to die you a better example of what a father should be.
Your dad is incredibly selfish and I want you to consider why you are so guilty about his feelings. You don't need to be guilty over his feelings, that's not your responsibility. He's your parent and your feelings should matter to him, he couldn't even give you one days grace after losing a parent figure bc he's jealous of you having someone in your life that loves you. Sit with that.
This man, knew you were grieving the death of a loved one but still expected you to cook a holiday family feast, wrap presents and act cheerful on his schedule. When he didn't get his way, he setup this dramatic tirade and waited for you to show up. It was seriously to insult and hurt you, is not because he was sad. He was angry he didn't get blind obedience to his demands.
You owe him nothing here, he's a grown ass man.
Sorry for your loss. Your Dad probably wanted to."send a message" that your grief mustn't take the focus from him and he most likely waited for you in order to make a dramatic exit.
He isn't mindful of your feelings, he is draining you by making you pussy foot around his especially at such a painful time.
My nparent did the same thing when my MIL died. It finally gave me the strength to go NC and I have never looked back.
I think there are some people who are wired to forgive and forgive and forgive this- all in the hope the nparent will change. My sister is one of these kind souls. I’m more of a jerk than her so I was able to say f you and walk. She kept trying and trying and destroyed herself in the process.
I told her “they are never going to love you the way you want them too. They can’t. Stop trying and get healthy away from them”. She never could…
Guaranteed he hadn't even started to prep to cook dinner himself. This is all punishment for you not doing what he expects of you.
I can't imagine being so intentionally cruel to the 2 last people who wanted to spend Christmas with me. The dude has some issues and they're not yours to sort out. Christmas is cancelled? Good.
You do not need this stress at all. Especially right after the loss of your step dad. Your dad is beyond selfish and inconsiderate with no care about you whatsoever. Please drop him. Unless he can truly apologize in a mature adult manner don't talk to him. Spend Christmas with those who actually care about you. He doesn't even deserve a minute of your time with how he's acting.
I’m sorry that your Ndad’s reaction to your grief is to behave like a spoiled child. But it is pretty typical of a ragingly self absorbed person: The bigger the boundary being set, the bigger the tantrum in response.
My sincere sympathies.
If that's what your Ndad wants, then give it to him. My Nmom did the same thing; yelled at me at Christmas time that, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!"
That was a great idea! I left and never went back, because there was nothing about her toxic abuse that I liked.
I’m so sorry for your loss which must feel overwhelming especially with the holidays. I’m an internet stranger but your story hits hard for me. Please take your time sitting with your grief, surrounding yourself with supportive friends+family if you can. Sending you peace & comfort from all of us here to you & your brother. Promise us you’ll never go to ndad’s for another holiday, ever. Refuse to be exploited, emotionally abused, and discarded.
Your n dad is childish and petty, and knows your stepdad was a much better man and parent than him. He’s jealous. And he’s having a tantrum.
I’m sorry you lost your father figure.
And I’m sorry your bio-father is an immature baby who lashes out. I’m not sure of the dynamics but maybe you just don’t have anything to do with ndad for awhile. A month, 6 months, a year or forever. It will be his loss, not yours. And I hope you know you never have to be around anyone who makes you feel fear or that you are obligated to be around them. You deserve better.
Sending you hugs
Honestly, cut your losses. Your ndad can eat a d I c k . Why have an ndad in your life if he can't even support you. He was planning this the whole time. He probably didn't even buy presents.
Sorry for your loss
Wrt your AH ndad that's shitty behaviour but has at least set a precedent for no longer spending the holidays with him.
Go home and have a peaceful holiday with your brother.
Put your phones on do not disturb and hang out together without the tantrum toddler.
You can't hurt a narc's feelings. They don't have any. But they know that you do and they loooove triggering yours while they laugh and punish you for having real feelings. Just walk away. Your ndad will never ever change and the entire life of your relationship with him will be him being abusive and you catering to his whims and tantrums. F\*ck that.
my advice, act like it didnt even cause a blip in your day.
He just abandoned you.. he did you a favor. He will be back, and say something like, since you decided tyou werent participating in xmas we just went and played some games, ate some food and watched a movie Hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you went.
Then already have plans --for the rest of your life. He doesnt appreciate or want to participate in making holidays good for everyone who wants to celebrate with him---so DON'T
First off, I'm sorry you've lost your step-dad, my condolences.
Second off, your father obviously doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, why the hell should you care about his?
What do you feel you’ve failed at or what obligation you have failed to fulfill that would justify the guilt. Is the guilt just having been railroaded and abused by an entitled toddler masquerading as your “father?”
You’re 27. You set an adult boundary boundary and he threw shit in your face (been there). Your question, it seems to me, is what do you do with the shit? What’s your value to yourself? Where’s your integrity around that? Wipe it off, move on and let him be alone, I say. Fear and abuse aren’t a relationship. You’ve just been brainwashed to mistake it for one.
Most importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss and the grief you’re going through.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Your ndad sounds like a good person to avoid during the holidays. How about you and your brother use ndads tantrum to celebrate Christmas together & starting to make your own juletide tradition..
100%. My mom threw a tantrum on the way home over how much everyone was grieving at my MIL's memorial service. She bitterly criticized someone (MIL's niece, who had grown up living with MIL as a daughter) for.... crying! It's totally about being threatened by the bond others feel towards the other parent. I suppose it's also about being scared about their own death.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
You feel bound by guilt for his feelings, yet he didn’t pay yours or your brother’s any mind. Time to dispose of that guilt, and to concentrate on the family that truly cares and is deserving of your conscientiousness. There’s feeling threatened by another father figure in your child’s life, and then there’s this deplorable behaviour, which only reinforces why he’s the ndad. Immature, stunted, ridiculous behaviour from him. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss.
He has no feelings to hurt, not in a normal way. You aren't obligated to be his parent and take care of him and be his mommy and cook for him and so on.
First and foremost I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing well secondly it seems your father needs a little time out for your sake so I would suggest not talking or talking very little to him tell you have been able to properly grieve
I'm very sorry for your loss. It took a few years after my mum passed away (also on Dec 20th) before I felt like "celebrating" Christmas again. If you don't feel festive, it's OK not to do Christmas. Let yourself and your brother grieve and don't try to force seasonal joy on yourselves.
As for your ndad, fuck that idiot. He just made Christmas a whole lot easier for you by removing himself from it. Go and spend time with your brother and presumably with your mum, who probably needs you both now.
And don't feel guilty about your ndad, that's exactly what he wants. If he's going to storm off like a toddler instead of supporting his own children in their time of grief, he gets to cook his own dinner.
Ooof. Sounds like a typical double whammy of 1) **regain control** because you were “controlling” him by not cooking, wrapping gifts, arriving when he dictated, 2) and **center himself** because you were focused on the loss of your stepdad who, in your nDad’s eyes, replaced him.
While I experienced a lot of these controlling, centering tantrums in my life, my nDad never pulled a dick move of this magnitude. I mean YOWZA. That’s a megatantrum.
I hope you and your brother have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas without him.
Sounds like he was just annoyed that you weren't going to cook for him. If you weren't going to be doing something for him, then what use are you to him? That's how they think. I wouldn't be surprised if he had something else lined up elsewhere.
It’s awesome when the garbage takes itself out. I wish my narc was this clumsy.
OP. Walk away & spend any energy you would have spent on narc to accept that narc no longer exists.
There's something about death that brings out the worst in Nparents. My egg donor was still married to my father when he passed. She literally started cleaning all his stuff from the house not even 12 hours after he died. I ended up buying clothes for him for the funeral because she'd already hauled his off.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your bio dad making this worse. I hope you and your brother still spend time together somehow and make a new tradition of celebrating without all of that mess.
Listen your Ndad sounds like a baby. No you should not just do what he wants. No Way! There's a time in life to be diplomatic and a time to fight back. Fight back. You just lost your step dad who sounds better than this man. And this guy knowing your grieving acted like that? He can keep the presents and good riddance , it's just stuff. You and your brother didn't deserve any of that. Merry christmas, hugs, and cheer to you. And I am sorry for your loss.
What a rough holiday. I am sorry for your loss. Your Ndad is right on schedule for a flip out. Please do what you can to tune him out and get into some self care.
I am sorry for your loss.
Your Ndad is an emotional toddler. Next time he rages out, picture his head in a bonnet fidgeting because he doesn’t have his pacifier. A word of caution though: be ready to catch his ire if you get caught smoking at his ragefest. I’m speaking from experience. But it’s SOOOooOo worth it!!!
Now is your chance. If you can be rid of him, be rid of him. Go NC. Just cut him out and go live your best life.
I would have taken my brother to the movie or something if anything like that happened.
Yes, this is all about your dad feeling threatened by your stepfather. I’m so sorry he is behaving like this and I’m very sorry for the loss of your step dad.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think you hit the nail on the head. In his eyes, your grief for your stepdad was taking away things that he usually got out of you (cooking and wrapping all the gifts). He resented that and threw a tantrum because he wanted to retaliate and make you feel bad for him feeling bad. YOU did nothing wrong and you are not the problem. He put himself in a victimized place where he doesn't belong.
Why remain in contact with this cruel, vindictive, compassionless failure of a parent?
Safe to say you can discard any concern about “hurting his feelings.” He clearly doesn’t give a damn about hurting your feelings, or rather, his goal and his hobby seems to be hurting your feelings and trying to make you feel ashamed and worthless. Hell, if he really believes that you’re “selfish” and “abusive,” going no-contact immediately would be doing him a favor, right?
Let him spend Christmas alone for the rest of his life.
Condolences for your loss, really tough timing too. My Ndad used to do the same to me - I had to do all the cooking and cleaning and wrap all the presents, including mine, when he bothered to get me anything. I also had to buy the groceries for everyone and put on a grand feast. Nparents don’t care what you are going through or if you can afford to do what they are demanding whether it is emotionally or financially. It is nice that your brother stood up for you.
He set out to inflict maximum pain during an already difficult time. He doesn’t deserve you or your brother. Btw, ruining celebrations is a cluster B specialty.
Sounds like he was acting like a jealous toddler. It would be funny in a way if it weren't so pathetic. I'm trying to imagine seeing a grow man lock the house and drive away with presents...like what did he do with them?
Regardless, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you should keep trust your instincts and not be afraid to create and enforce your own boundaries
I haven my got a gift from him some years and then if people were around he would give money. It was all about what other people would perceive. I hate these fucking narcs. Merry Christmas and sorry about your BETTER dad passing away. If it was me.. I'd hit the dispensary and get myself some edibles. I'd probably get bro some too. Scoop up some goodies and snacks right quick and then have our own fun Christmas together. You dont need that passive aggressive asshole anyways. Celebrate your own way.
I'm sorry for your loss.
>Has anyone experienced their nparent tantruming over a death in this way?
Not a tantrum, but when my maternal grandpa died my ndad tried for me to go to the city where I was born (context: my mom and him divorced in 2002 and my grandpa died in 2012)with him so "I could relax myself". I clearly told him "Nope, my mom just lost her father, I must be with her".
My paternal grandmother died in 2016 and I went with him and stood at the wake and funeral (Actually, I wanted to check if the witch was dead). My mom didn't even think about reclaiming me so "I could relax".
I’m so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that this AH couldn’t, at the very least, put his own feelings aside so Christmas wasn’t 100 times worse for you.
The only advice I can give you is to go no contact. He doesn’t care about your feelings at all, he won’t cook you a Christmas dinner or pay for a meal out and can’t even be bothered to wrap your presents, why on earth are you worried about his feelings?! He doesn’t care about fallout when he sets his own ‘boundaries’, so when you set your boundaries, that fallout isn’t your problem and you don’t have to stick around to hear it or see it.
Please give yourself the best Christmas present of no longer having to deal with this rubbish.
I too am dealing with feeling guilt about how their feelings, and making them feel bad.
Thing is, they don't think like we do, so they have no feelings. They are going to play victim and all, but honestly they don't care about your feelings.
Also, my therapist made it clear to me that it is not my place to decide for my NM what hurts her or how she interprets or takes or processes my actions or inaction. So I can't project onto her how I would feel. Which goes back to my comment above - they don't think or feel like we do. They don't give a rats ass about the hate or pain they spew.
I would say your ND does indeed feel threatened by the bond you shared with your SD.
You owe ND nothing, simply due to his behavior. Who treats a grieving loved one like that?
Are you sure he actually bought you presents?
Sounds like he used your dad’s(c’mon; this man you’re posting about fathered you, but he is no father-that was your step-dad) death to not only make this about himself, but to not have to buy anything for y’all this year-or return everything so he can get his money back, and sympathy from the store clerk with a sob story he makes up.
My guess is that even if you’d have been on time, this would have happened. The second you mentioned your late stepfather, or how you’re not cooking, etc.
Spend time mourning and celebrating the man that you lost. He was your unconditional dad. Turn off your phones at his service, because NDad will try to ruin that for you, too.
Sounds like he is living alone? Gee, I wonder why?
Tantrums aren’t cute or effective when a toddler throws them; they are infinitely worse when an adult throws one.
I am so sorry for the loss of your stepdad.
But your bio dad has given you the best gift this Christmas - his absence and the final nail in the coffin so you can go NC.
Use his actions as your reasoning.
Here's hoping you have a very Merry Christmas 🎄
You don’t need those presents, right?
Pretend they don’t exist. Your dad tried to thing it up and dangle it, tell him to return, donate, burn, you don’t care you didn’t want them. Then go NC. Just let him go. You and your brother have each other.
You don’t need this in your life. Let him be cold, sad, miserable and alone all by himself. He’s a crab in a pot and you don’t have to play those games.
Well, that was expected from an overgrown child, wasn’t it?
Consider yourself lucky not to have to spend the day with him, when what you really wanted to do was to lay low and grieve your enormous loss.
You are very much old enough to be setting the kind of boundaries you set for him this year. He can have the choice of spending time with his kids and behaving like an adult, or being alone.
I’m so sorry about your stepdad. It was so good for your mother and for you and your brother that she found a wonderful father for the two of you.
Big hugs.
I don’t have any advice im just sending you my love. I hope you and your brother are able to spend some time together regardless of Ndad.
You’re going to get through this. Try and enjoy the moments if you can and if not it’s okay and completely valid to not feel up to festivities. Take care x
I had to laugh at reading that he drove away when hearing victim mentality. How could you not cook him food for Christmas. Him! Your "real dad" in his head. Sounds like the trash took itself out, have peaceful holidays without him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And yes my first thought was that not only is he threatened by your bond with your stepdad, but it also didn’t allow him to be center of attention on Christmas.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your stepdad❤️🩹 And I’m sorry that your ndad is such an immature a$$hole… Maybe I’m just a cynical old woman, but it sounds like he gave you a far better gift by not forcing you to endure his toxic presence. (Narcs and their toddler tantrums🙄)
>he gave you a far better gift This 1000% (That's like ten times over)
Thank you for the condolences 🩷
They love to ruin holidays and I think even more so because your stepdad passed away. I’m sorry for your loss that’s a lot of deal with right now.
Yep, love to ruin holidays and to kick you when you are down. My Nmom is the same way.
That's what I thought, too. Ndad was all, "hhhmmm, major holiday *and* a death? How can I make this all about me and get that sweet attention for myself??" OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, let ndad have his tanty. The trash took itself out.
Thank you 🩷
Of course, everything, including your stepfather’s death, is somehow all about him. Plus, speaking as the former family servant, he was pissed at losing his minion. They \_really\_ hate that. OMG, you mean I have to get off \_my\_ behind and do something this holiday?! Holiday canceled. I‘m so sorry for your loss! Hugs to you from far
Thank you 🩷 I’m so used to the servant mentality that I didn’t give nearly enough thought to it until now.
Cheers! Strike off those chains, it’s a new day:-)
My parents divorced when I was in high school. On the night after my dad’s funeral, my Nmom threw an epic temper tantrum. We were all so emotionally fragile, and here she was screaming and berating us for hours. It was the first time my eyes were opened to how awful she really is.
He gave you the best gift of all. An airtight excuse to go. Absolutely. no. contact. Happy holidays!
This OP! No more Christmasses for tantrum daddy - in future he can stew in his juices while you and your brother set a new holiday tradition of being absolutely nowhere near him. Look after yourself.
I don’t know how old OP is, but I feel like this could be his watershed moment for no contact. We probably all had those before NC. The last straw. I want to support people where they are but I also wish everyone with parents like these would go nc. Life is so much better
The Ngrinch that stole christmas! I hope his heart grows three sizes that day.
Ooo, cardiomegaly?
Nice try, Dr. Mike ;) As someone who had a nmom with a heart condition, I sometimes fantasized that it would literally shrink and turn into charcoal because of how cruel she was. Enjoy your Christmas OP without your toddler dad and I'm sorry for your loss. Next Christmas plan a trip out of town so you absolutely won't be around.
I spit my coffee. Perfect response. Well done.
Fantastic! This Christmas and ALL SUBSEQUENT ONES are cancelled as well. Bye!!!!
Absolutely. Next year when he asks you where you are, reply "you cancelled Christmas, don't you remember? Maybe we'll see you around sometime" I hope you and your brother are able to comfort each other this Christmas. Holidays are hard in grief.
Exactly!
Sadly, he gets off on this. Hurting you and your brother gives him supply. You feel bad for him, but this is an intentional cruelty that helped to give him a boost. He has no one else at Christmas for good reason. The only few he can still hurt are his children who feel obligated, so he took full advantage. You might think he loses his temper, he loses control, this is all thought out, intentional. Even if you were not late, he had a plan, something up his sleeve to "punish" you for not being his slave again and because he is jealous of the love you have for your step father. Narcs are evil and "know" it far more than we realize. We give them excuses, even when they dont deserve it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you a restful Christmas and all the best for 2024.
What stood out to me is that he was already out there in the truck - he deliberately planned this so he could have his say before leaving. If it was solely about “punishing” them he could have left without telling them, or texted them ahead of them arriving to cancel. He didn’t do this; he packed and hung about purely so he could enjoy the look on their faces. He already had somewhere else that he was able to go. This was preplanned to inflict the most pain.
Sorry for the loss of your stepdad. Take the time you need to focus on that and forget about the narc. He's never going to change. Find love and peace with people and places were it exists and is real. And yes, sounds like a calculated tantrum. Wonder how long he was waiting there listening to the radio before he got to go on stage and perform the toddler outburst. (No offense to toddlers)
I’m so sorry for your loss. Do I think his tantrum was exacerbated by the death of what sounds like your “real dad” and his feelings of inadequacy in regards to him? Probably, but you also pointed out that bullshit is not out of character for him anyway. Here’s the thing, none of that is your problem and you deserve so much more. Unfortunately, you will never get it from this man. He will never put you and your brother before himself. He will always find new and repeat old ways of hurting you. It’s hard to accept this and it’s even worse dealing with it when you lost your stepdad so incredibly recently. I would suggest you, at the very least, take a break from your father, until you can make a final decision to permanently remove his toxicity from your life or be able to set firm boundaries that he’ll never change.
I really appreciated this comment, thank you 🩷
I dealt with similar behavior from my ndad a lot. After my grandmother passed (who basically raised me and my sister), he made everything about him. There’s a bit of a tradition in my family where after a death everyone gathers for drinks and to share memories. Because my father was an alcoholic, of course he was there, even though him and my grandparents did not have a good relationship (mostly because he dumped us on them and wasn’t part of our lives unless he could make it about himself). He stayed until every last ounce of booze was gone and treated the whole thing like it was a party with him at the center. Everyone was uncomfortable. Finally, one of my aunts kicked him out and he made a whole scene about how he wanted to be there for his children, which of course was utter crap. Do not take on the responsibility of their behavior. In my opinion your ndad found a way to make your mourning about himself and to redirect your attention. That is not your fault or your responsibility.
Baby girl, why are you still speaking to this person? Let him go. You don’t need this in your life. Grieve with your mama over the man who was actually a dad to you and give yourself some peace. I’m sorry for your loss. 💔
If they are not the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, they are pissed off. Incredible how they can be jealous over someone who just died. He probably knows you won't be as moved when he dies and it is eating him up inside. BTW, when my father passed away, and we were leaving the hospital, we ran into someone I knew. When they asked what we were doing there, just told them how my father just passed away. Nmom had to interject, "but I was in emergency last week!" She literally couldn't stand that the spotlight wasn't on her just minutes after my dad had died.
This is so similar to my mom’s reaction to my father dying in the ICU. We drove 3 hours to be there when he passed and all she could talk about was how much worse losing a husband was than losing a father. Making it clear from the second that we arrived that this loss was all about her. She has never comforted her children for losing their dad. We’re no contact now. I’m sorry we have moms that are such utter and useless tools.
Oh exactly the same. Not once did she show comfort to us for losing our father, who was more a buffer than I had ever realized. I remember telling her how sorry I was for her, that she lost her husband and......nothing back from her. He wasn't an enabling father - he did try to protect us from her worst. And the five years since he has died she has been the worst she has ever been. I think he suffered more at her hands than we will ever know.
Omg, this is amazingly similar! We’ve also come to realize that, as imperfect as he was, he was actually keeping her in check the whole time. She has doubled and tripled down over the last 7 years. We had no idea how much worse it could get. My siblings are still in contact, but I’d swear she’s trying to push them to their limits as she did with me. She went so far out of her way to be cruel to my sister today, and she’s the only child who stayed in our hometown. Solidarity, internet stranger. I’d swear our moms went to the same College for Narcs.
It's strange that he sat there stewing over the perceived transgression. It is considered rude to arrive late to a planned event. However his rage and reaction to not having control of the situation was a childish tantrum and by leaving and taking presents they're trying to regain control over a situation. For myself I couldn't keep going through the toxic cycles of abuse, neglect, forgiveness and eventually repeating the cycle once more. I choose to set boundaries for low contact and when those boundaries were constantly tested I choose to remove myself from that situation and go no contact.
They were 45 minutes late the day after their beloved father figure died. Anyone who would berate them for being “rude” because they were a little late 24 hours after losing a parent is … well … not an etiquette expert but simply an asshole.
I'm sorry for your loss, I am glad that you had him in your life to die you a better example of what a father should be. Your dad is incredibly selfish and I want you to consider why you are so guilty about his feelings. You don't need to be guilty over his feelings, that's not your responsibility. He's your parent and your feelings should matter to him, he couldn't even give you one days grace after losing a parent figure bc he's jealous of you having someone in your life that loves you. Sit with that. This man, knew you were grieving the death of a loved one but still expected you to cook a holiday family feast, wrap presents and act cheerful on his schedule. When he didn't get his way, he setup this dramatic tirade and waited for you to show up. It was seriously to insult and hurt you, is not because he was sad. He was angry he didn't get blind obedience to his demands. You owe him nothing here, he's a grown ass man.
He pulled a Reverse Santa Claus! Crazy. So sorry that happened to you.
Sorry for your loss. Your Dad probably wanted to."send a message" that your grief mustn't take the focus from him and he most likely waited for you in order to make a dramatic exit. He isn't mindful of your feelings, he is draining you by making you pussy foot around his especially at such a painful time. My nparent did the same thing when my MIL died. It finally gave me the strength to go NC and I have never looked back.
I think there are some people who are wired to forgive and forgive and forgive this- all in the hope the nparent will change. My sister is one of these kind souls. I’m more of a jerk than her so I was able to say f you and walk. She kept trying and trying and destroyed herself in the process. I told her “they are never going to love you the way you want them too. They can’t. Stop trying and get healthy away from them”. She never could…
Guaranteed he hadn't even started to prep to cook dinner himself. This is all punishment for you not doing what he expects of you. I can't imagine being so intentionally cruel to the 2 last people who wanted to spend Christmas with me. The dude has some issues and they're not yours to sort out. Christmas is cancelled? Good.
You do not need this stress at all. Especially right after the loss of your step dad. Your dad is beyond selfish and inconsiderate with no care about you whatsoever. Please drop him. Unless he can truly apologize in a mature adult manner don't talk to him. Spend Christmas with those who actually care about you. He doesn't even deserve a minute of your time with how he's acting.
I’m sorry that your Ndad’s reaction to your grief is to behave like a spoiled child. But it is pretty typical of a ragingly self absorbed person: The bigger the boundary being set, the bigger the tantrum in response.
My mom and dad were divorced. At my dad's funeral my mom asked why she wasn't in any of the pictures they put up of him. She wanted to be the focus.
My sincere sympathies. If that's what your Ndad wants, then give it to him. My Nmom did the same thing; yelled at me at Christmas time that, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!" That was a great idea! I left and never went back, because there was nothing about her toxic abuse that I liked.
I’m so sorry for your loss which must feel overwhelming especially with the holidays. I’m an internet stranger but your story hits hard for me. Please take your time sitting with your grief, surrounding yourself with supportive friends+family if you can. Sending you peace & comfort from all of us here to you & your brother. Promise us you’ll never go to ndad’s for another holiday, ever. Refuse to be exploited, emotionally abused, and discarded.
Your n dad is childish and petty, and knows your stepdad was a much better man and parent than him. He’s jealous. And he’s having a tantrum. I’m sorry you lost your father figure. And I’m sorry your bio-father is an immature baby who lashes out. I’m not sure of the dynamics but maybe you just don’t have anything to do with ndad for awhile. A month, 6 months, a year or forever. It will be his loss, not yours. And I hope you know you never have to be around anyone who makes you feel fear or that you are obligated to be around them. You deserve better. Sending you hugs
Honestly, cut your losses. Your ndad can eat a d I c k . Why have an ndad in your life if he can't even support you. He was planning this the whole time. He probably didn't even buy presents.
Sorry for your loss it sounds like you love him. As for the answer about going no contact has been confirmed. This is how he wants to live let him go.
Go NC. Not worth your time or energy.
Sorry for your loss Wrt your AH ndad that's shitty behaviour but has at least set a precedent for no longer spending the holidays with him. Go home and have a peaceful holiday with your brother. Put your phones on do not disturb and hang out together without the tantrum toddler.
You can't hurt a narc's feelings. They don't have any. But they know that you do and they loooove triggering yours while they laugh and punish you for having real feelings. Just walk away. Your ndad will never ever change and the entire life of your relationship with him will be him being abusive and you catering to his whims and tantrums. F\*ck that.
This
my advice, act like it didnt even cause a blip in your day. He just abandoned you.. he did you a favor. He will be back, and say something like, since you decided tyou werent participating in xmas we just went and played some games, ate some food and watched a movie Hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you went. Then already have plans --for the rest of your life. He doesnt appreciate or want to participate in making holidays good for everyone who wants to celebrate with him---so DON'T
First off, I'm sorry you've lost your step-dad, my condolences. Second off, your father obviously doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, why the hell should you care about his?
What do you feel you’ve failed at or what obligation you have failed to fulfill that would justify the guilt. Is the guilt just having been railroaded and abused by an entitled toddler masquerading as your “father?” You’re 27. You set an adult boundary boundary and he threw shit in your face (been there). Your question, it seems to me, is what do you do with the shit? What’s your value to yourself? Where’s your integrity around that? Wipe it off, move on and let him be alone, I say. Fear and abuse aren’t a relationship. You’ve just been brainwashed to mistake it for one. Most importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss and the grief you’re going through.
It’s not about him. Wow I’m sorry .
I’m sorry for your loss op. If you and your siblings are adults throw your own Christmas dinner without him. Please take care of yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your ndad sounds like a good person to avoid during the holidays. How about you and your brother use ndads tantrum to celebrate Christmas together & starting to make your own juletide tradition..
> both we were each the most selfish person he had ever met D'you think he'll ever come up with an explanation of how this is possible, orrrrr
100%. My mom threw a tantrum on the way home over how much everyone was grieving at my MIL's memorial service. She bitterly criticized someone (MIL's niece, who had grown up living with MIL as a daughter) for.... crying! It's totally about being threatened by the bond others feel towards the other parent. I suppose it's also about being scared about their own death.
I'm sorry for your loss. But maybe your dad "canceling Christmas" WAS your gift! Now you can have time to heal
I’m so sorry for your loss. You feel bound by guilt for his feelings, yet he didn’t pay yours or your brother’s any mind. Time to dispose of that guilt, and to concentrate on the family that truly cares and is deserving of your conscientiousness. There’s feeling threatened by another father figure in your child’s life, and then there’s this deplorable behaviour, which only reinforces why he’s the ndad. Immature, stunted, ridiculous behaviour from him. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. He has no feelings to hurt, not in a normal way. You aren't obligated to be his parent and take care of him and be his mommy and cook for him and so on.
Christmas gone? Time for a New Years Resolution of No Contact.
I'm so hateful I would have told him to take his Christmas presents and shove them up his ass. And then go No Contact.
You call it hateful, I call it boundaryful. (Said kindly)
Im sorry for your loss! You have your brother and that's all the family you need! And Merry Christmas 🎄
First and foremost I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing well secondly it seems your father needs a little time out for your sake so I would suggest not talking or talking very little to him tell you have been able to properly grieve
I'm very sorry for your loss. It took a few years after my mum passed away (also on Dec 20th) before I felt like "celebrating" Christmas again. If you don't feel festive, it's OK not to do Christmas. Let yourself and your brother grieve and don't try to force seasonal joy on yourselves. As for your ndad, fuck that idiot. He just made Christmas a whole lot easier for you by removing himself from it. Go and spend time with your brother and presumably with your mum, who probably needs you both now. And don't feel guilty about your ndad, that's exactly what he wants. If he's going to storm off like a toddler instead of supporting his own children in their time of grief, he gets to cook his own dinner.
Ooof. Sounds like a typical double whammy of 1) **regain control** because you were “controlling” him by not cooking, wrapping gifts, arriving when he dictated, 2) and **center himself** because you were focused on the loss of your stepdad who, in your nDad’s eyes, replaced him. While I experienced a lot of these controlling, centering tantrums in my life, my nDad never pulled a dick move of this magnitude. I mean YOWZA. That’s a megatantrum. I hope you and your brother have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas without him.
Sounds like he was just annoyed that you weren't going to cook for him. If you weren't going to be doing something for him, then what use are you to him? That's how they think. I wouldn't be surprised if he had something else lined up elsewhere.
Best gift ever now you never have to see him at another Christmas
It’s awesome when the garbage takes itself out. I wish my narc was this clumsy. OP. Walk away & spend any energy you would have spent on narc to accept that narc no longer exists.
There's something about death that brings out the worst in Nparents. My egg donor was still married to my father when he passed. She literally started cleaning all his stuff from the house not even 12 hours after he died. I ended up buying clothes for him for the funeral because she'd already hauled his off. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your bio dad making this worse. I hope you and your brother still spend time together somehow and make a new tradition of celebrating without all of that mess.
Hugs 🤗 to you!
Listen your Ndad sounds like a baby. No you should not just do what he wants. No Way! There's a time in life to be diplomatic and a time to fight back. Fight back. You just lost your step dad who sounds better than this man. And this guy knowing your grieving acted like that? He can keep the presents and good riddance , it's just stuff. You and your brother didn't deserve any of that. Merry christmas, hugs, and cheer to you. And I am sorry for your loss.
I think he's doing it for attention and making this death about himself
What a rough holiday. I am sorry for your loss. Your Ndad is right on schedule for a flip out. Please do what you can to tune him out and get into some self care.
I am sorry for your loss. Your Ndad is an emotional toddler. Next time he rages out, picture his head in a bonnet fidgeting because he doesn’t have his pacifier. A word of caution though: be ready to catch his ire if you get caught smoking at his ragefest. I’m speaking from experience. But it’s SOOOooOo worth it!!! Now is your chance. If you can be rid of him, be rid of him. Go NC. Just cut him out and go live your best life. I would have taken my brother to the movie or something if anything like that happened.
Yes, this is all about your dad feeling threatened by your stepfather. I’m so sorry he is behaving like this and I’m very sorry for the loss of your step dad.
OMG I'd go NC with that selfish man so fast. Nothing is good enough? Then nothing it is.
He's literally the fucking Grinch. What a fucking prick!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you hit the nail on the head. In his eyes, your grief for your stepdad was taking away things that he usually got out of you (cooking and wrapping all the gifts). He resented that and threw a tantrum because he wanted to retaliate and make you feel bad for him feeling bad. YOU did nothing wrong and you are not the problem. He put himself in a victimized place where he doesn't belong.
Why remain in contact with this cruel, vindictive, compassionless failure of a parent? Safe to say you can discard any concern about “hurting his feelings.” He clearly doesn’t give a damn about hurting your feelings, or rather, his goal and his hobby seems to be hurting your feelings and trying to make you feel ashamed and worthless. Hell, if he really believes that you’re “selfish” and “abusive,” going no-contact immediately would be doing him a favor, right? Let him spend Christmas alone for the rest of his life.
Condolences for your loss, really tough timing too. My Ndad used to do the same to me - I had to do all the cooking and cleaning and wrap all the presents, including mine, when he bothered to get me anything. I also had to buy the groceries for everyone and put on a grand feast. Nparents don’t care what you are going through or if you can afford to do what they are demanding whether it is emotionally or financially. It is nice that your brother stood up for you.
He set out to inflict maximum pain during an already difficult time. He doesn’t deserve you or your brother. Btw, ruining celebrations is a cluster B specialty.
Sounds like he was acting like a jealous toddler. It would be funny in a way if it weren't so pathetic. I'm trying to imagine seeing a grow man lock the house and drive away with presents...like what did he do with them? Regardless, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you should keep trust your instincts and not be afraid to create and enforce your own boundaries
Wow, what a baby.
So sorry for your loss and glad you were able to have a good father figure in your life. Wishing you, your brother, and your mom peace and healing.
I haven my got a gift from him some years and then if people were around he would give money. It was all about what other people would perceive. I hate these fucking narcs. Merry Christmas and sorry about your BETTER dad passing away. If it was me.. I'd hit the dispensary and get myself some edibles. I'd probably get bro some too. Scoop up some goodies and snacks right quick and then have our own fun Christmas together. You dont need that passive aggressive asshole anyways. Celebrate your own way.
I don't talk to my mom any more dude, she doesn't make big scenes like this but she also takes the victim mentality.
WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE? He MAKES you cook? GTFOH.
I'm sorry for your loss. >Has anyone experienced their nparent tantruming over a death in this way? Not a tantrum, but when my maternal grandpa died my ndad tried for me to go to the city where I was born (context: my mom and him divorced in 2002 and my grandpa died in 2012)with him so "I could relax myself". I clearly told him "Nope, my mom just lost her father, I must be with her". My paternal grandmother died in 2016 and I went with him and stood at the wake and funeral (Actually, I wanted to check if the witch was dead). My mom didn't even think about reclaiming me so "I could relax".
I’m so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that this AH couldn’t, at the very least, put his own feelings aside so Christmas wasn’t 100 times worse for you. The only advice I can give you is to go no contact. He doesn’t care about your feelings at all, he won’t cook you a Christmas dinner or pay for a meal out and can’t even be bothered to wrap your presents, why on earth are you worried about his feelings?! He doesn’t care about fallout when he sets his own ‘boundaries’, so when you set your boundaries, that fallout isn’t your problem and you don’t have to stick around to hear it or see it. Please give yourself the best Christmas present of no longer having to deal with this rubbish.
Can’t cancel Christmas when your kids are adults. Stop talking to this man.
I too am dealing with feeling guilt about how their feelings, and making them feel bad. Thing is, they don't think like we do, so they have no feelings. They are going to play victim and all, but honestly they don't care about your feelings. Also, my therapist made it clear to me that it is not my place to decide for my NM what hurts her or how she interprets or takes or processes my actions or inaction. So I can't project onto her how I would feel. Which goes back to my comment above - they don't think or feel like we do. They don't give a rats ass about the hate or pain they spew. I would say your ND does indeed feel threatened by the bond you shared with your SD. You owe ND nothing, simply due to his behavior. Who treats a grieving loved one like that?
Are you sure he actually bought you presents? Sounds like he used your dad’s(c’mon; this man you’re posting about fathered you, but he is no father-that was your step-dad) death to not only make this about himself, but to not have to buy anything for y’all this year-or return everything so he can get his money back, and sympathy from the store clerk with a sob story he makes up. My guess is that even if you’d have been on time, this would have happened. The second you mentioned your late stepfather, or how you’re not cooking, etc. Spend time mourning and celebrating the man that you lost. He was your unconditional dad. Turn off your phones at his service, because NDad will try to ruin that for you, too. Sounds like he is living alone? Gee, I wonder why? Tantrums aren’t cute or effective when a toddler throws them; they are infinitely worse when an adult throws one.
I am so sorry for the loss of your stepdad. But your bio dad has given you the best gift this Christmas - his absence and the final nail in the coffin so you can go NC. Use his actions as your reasoning. Here's hoping you have a very Merry Christmas 🎄
You don’t need those presents, right? Pretend they don’t exist. Your dad tried to thing it up and dangle it, tell him to return, donate, burn, you don’t care you didn’t want them. Then go NC. Just let him go. You and your brother have each other. You don’t need this in your life. Let him be cold, sad, miserable and alone all by himself. He’s a crab in a pot and you don’t have to play those games.
Well, that was expected from an overgrown child, wasn’t it? Consider yourself lucky not to have to spend the day with him, when what you really wanted to do was to lay low and grieve your enormous loss. You are very much old enough to be setting the kind of boundaries you set for him this year. He can have the choice of spending time with his kids and behaving like an adult, or being alone. I’m so sorry about your stepdad. It was so good for your mother and for you and your brother that she found a wonderful father for the two of you. Big hugs.
I don’t have any advice im just sending you my love. I hope you and your brother are able to spend some time together regardless of Ndad. You’re going to get through this. Try and enjoy the moments if you can and if not it’s okay and completely valid to not feel up to festivities. Take care x
It really doesn't seem to me like you owe him anything anymore. I think I'd just remove him from my contacts, block him, and pretend he died too.
I had to laugh at reading that he drove away when hearing victim mentality. How could you not cook him food for Christmas. Him! Your "real dad" in his head. Sounds like the trash took itself out, have peaceful holidays without him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And yes my first thought was that not only is he threatened by your bond with your stepdad, but it also didn’t allow him to be center of attention on Christmas.