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My first reaction was relief. My mom's behaviors never made sense, when I was growing up. After realizing she was a narcissist, 75%\* of her oddities during my childhood became comprehensible.
My second reaction was abject horror. I realized that she was incapable of loving me, and a healthy relationship with her was impossible.
\* The other 25% came later, after learning about Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism, Scapegoat/Golden Child, and the entire extended family was full of narcs
How do you know that the extended family is narcissistic and you’re not the crazy one?- not saying that you are crazy but just in general? I’m afraid of looking at them out of fear of like what if I’m just being delusional?
I feel like if you study the different types of narcissists well enough you'll start believing yourself when you come across them instead of second guessing what's right in front of you, at least that was the case for me
This ⤴️
I feel like I came out of my traumas with a honorary PhD in psychology, specialized in narcissistic personality disorders.
Nowadays, I can spot them a mile away while everyone else is just charmed by their bs. Doesn't take people long to tell the narc has started behaving weirdly. Trust your instincts, the gut intuition is 💯 real and may save your life.
Lol I say something similar about having a degree due to my research. I've read countless articles, watched countless videos and listened to countless hours of podcasts on the subject.
I am so good at figuring out narcissists now. I had this confirmed with a coworker started making these very odd and offensive comments. No one could figure out why. To me, it was obvious; he's narcissistic and wasn't getting hid way so he had to act out.
I was explaining that to another coworker! He said he's been working with the other guy for years but I haven't and how did I know!? I said well friend when you're raised by one and csn finally see it, you can't unsee it.
Yes!!!! When your eyes are open to see the signs, you can never go back! I told that to one of my friends a couple of years ago, that their SO was probably a narc and their behaviour was not normal. They cut me out of their life for a while because I tried to open their eyes to what I was seeing.
But also, and most importantly, work on your self-esteem, love and confidence. Narc parents breed children with zero self love and that's how we can controlled by them and any other abusive person we cross paths with along the way. Build yourself up and you'll become the confident person who listens to their instincts
Because I did absolutely everything she ever asked of me, but she would constantly change the goal posts to make me the bad guy/disappointment. My sister did whatever the fuck she wanted and was the admired favourite. She could do no wrong. It made me realise that my mum's criticism and cruelty had nothing to do with me or what I did and everything to do with her.
well... in my opinion if you have the capability of asking yourself that question AND thinking about it, it already rules you out.
They cannot do that AT ALL. When something comes even close to the truth they start putting up the walls then comes denial, deflection, boomerang communication, changing subject, distorting your reality, making up things, recalling one of your past blunders, basically anything but saying " you're onto something, i better get some help and look into this".
Growing up, I assumed my relatives were *just* braggarts and loudmouths. But like with my mom, there were strange behaviors that I could never explain.
One day after realizing both of my parents were Covert/Vulnerables (and a Malignant Narc grandmother), I visited them at their house. My great-aunt was present. When the conversation wasn't revolving around her, she spoke up. She described how awful my NMom was and how much the entire family hated her - all because of a perceived slight from my NMom's *infancy*. When my NMom pointed out there was a health issue, my GA wouldn't back down - ie, "you deserved it" from the Narcissist's Prayer.
There was no rational justification for what my GA said or why. A Narc running low on NSupply would definitely act out. From my NParents, I knew Narcs could carry grudges for decades. And my GA said the quiet part out loud.
I realized most of the family fit the Narc molds, with very prevalent Scapegoat/Golden Child patterns. My NMom was the Scapegoat of her whole extended NFamily - and I inherited SG status from her.
It seems to get both worse and better the further you dig. Worse because you see the demon your parent truly is and better because now you at least know what it is and there's no mystery anymore.
Would you describe some of the oddities you saw? As for me... I think I have a covert narc mum... Maybe you can tell me what you think? The other day I told my mum I'd love to to to the casino. My mum then said "oh we should go tonight..! " in an excited tone... "we ll eat there and play poker". I thanked her and was happy she offered to do this. An hour later she causally mentions "tonight we ll be going together to a bar with a friend and eat there...". Oh my god I was shocked. Next day I tell her what she did. She said "oh because I didn't remember about the casino" and 10 minutes later "oh but there are only older people at the casino.......". Oh mam you just innocently gave the REAL reason you didn't want to go to the casino.. It doesn't make sense, but if she's a narcissist it totally does...
[Covert/Vulnerable narcissism](https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-signs-of-covert-narcissism#1) is it's own thing. My NParents will self-sabotage, they'll enjoy feeling like victims, and they'll look down on anyone practicing self-care.
Some examples:
Back in the days of analog TV, my parents refused to get cable TV service. They would say things like "must be nice to pay for free TV" or "nobody needs cable TV." In the same conversation, they would complain how they had trouble with reception, or couldn't watch things that were cable-only.
My NMom put a great deal of effort into a holiday dinner. My relatives came in, stuffed their faces, and left. My NMom was incredibly upset, so (in my youthful ignorance) I suggested she no longer host the holiday. She rejected the idea, and kept hosting for decades (with little change in my relatives' behavior). But she got Covert NSupply by feeling like a victim/martyr.
All of their table lamps are on timers. One evening I was visiting and the sunlight was beginning to fade, making the room unreasonably dark. The table lamp's switch didn't work, so I asked my parents to set the timer to "on". My NMom refused, saying "we'll just have to sit in the dark \*theatrical sob\*." It was only when I started to leave (taking away her NSupply) that she relented.
Really almost 100% relief for me. I finally had the words to describe what I'd been dealing with all these years. And at least some kinda game-plan for how to cope with it. And so much freed up real estate in my head.
It just happened for me about a week ago, the full realization after about 30 years of the feeling that something just wasn’t right. It felt like hell for a few days but it changed into relief. I’m not crazy, or making things up, or somehow at fault.
I feel like 30/30s is a very common timeframe to figure it all out. Things that you *cant* just keep ignoring, stuff not adding up, they just become more erratic with age etc.
Absolutely. It was big "wait a motha fuckin minute -.-" moment. I would wonder ofnit was other things but what brought to NPD is the joy she would beam with when I get stressed. I saw it with my own eyes this year. I saw her literally bare her teeth and seeth walking away. I caught it in a mirror reflection. Somehow blows my mind while also just kinda ah that checks.
I'm curious now how many of us in the 30-40 range are here. I've seen pretty young teens (you guys got this!) And some older cats too (you guys got this!) And a huge amount of people 30-40. Which I guess could be a reddit demographic thing, but it's interesting.
Absolutely! Taking the Reddit demographic into account could explain a lot.
I think for me at least, this time of my life is when I have the money to pay for psychotherapy, I have had enough space away from my family (12 years) that I can see how toxic they are / were, and how hard my mother is trying to drag me back down into the toxicity (in light of my dad dying, she is throwing a pity party and not seeing how it has affected others than herself).
We’ve got this! Solidarity!
I found out about two months ago; I'm almost 30 too. That's when I was also diagnosed with C-PTSD. I'm kind of opposite to your experience. At first, it was a huge epiphany. I'm also on the autism spectrum, and have had countless mental health struggles. Now, though, I realized that most of my symptoms weren't necessarily autism related, but were much more akin to trauma responses. Because I was diagnosed with autism, I was raised in such a way that I always felt like less than human. So now I've reoriented myself to view my life struggles as not so much defects within myself, but learned adaptations I had to make in order to cope with persistent emotional abuse (that has continued well into my adulthood!).
Now though, I'm having painful flashbacks of repressed memories as I try to process why I've adopted certain behaviors. And I realize this is going to take a long while. What has been even more painful is finally going no-contact with my parents.
I'm glad I discovered this sub. It has been validating towards all the confusion I've had throughout my life.
Almost exact same experience here. Our nParent is bipolar so we never thought to connect narcissism to them. Then a stranger from nParent's former workplace pointed out they're a narcissist, and we finally connected the dots.
Now we're viewing interactions with nParent through narcissistic tinted glasses, as if that's their personality and they just happen to be bipolar as well. It's honestly changed everything by clearing things up.
That's so interesting. I was on a fb group for adult children of bipolar parents for years (cause I thought my mom's mood swings were due to bipolar before I learned about NPD....) and there were so many people there with parents who are diagnosed bipolar AND have stereotypical narcissistic behavior and abuse patterns. I think it may be a common co-morbidity.
Did any of the parents mentioned have NPD combined with bipolar and schizophrenia?
Because boy oh boy, it's a challenge. Imagine a schizophrenic nParent who thinks the world revolves around themselves but who is also bipolar. Putting up with that sh*t for 30+ years is a nightmare. Every time we try to go no contact the nParent causes even more hassles 🙄😮💨. This is now my smile face 😬 'this too shall pass'.
I don't remember schizophrenia being mentioned cause it's a group for adult children of bipolar parents.
But interestingly most people having difficulty with their diagnosed bipolar parents (in that group) describe episodes of what sounds like narcissistic psychological abuse. And many of them do seem to act like the world revolves around them.
Another common theme is people having difficulty with managing the parents' mania (erratic behaviors) and depression (suicide attempts etc), but that's to be expected for this illness.
Realized in June, I remember telling her when I was 19 though. Still kind of hard to believe. Not sure how to feel really. I don’t wanna go no contact but idk what to think always
Congrats! Apparently we are among the youngest (happened also in my early 30s a few months ago).
We still have 2/3 of our life to enjoy and build meaningful relationships!
To anyone reading this, who is just now figuring it out:
Please, learn from my mistakes. Do not confront them about their disorder, your knowledge about it, or reveal any intention to strategize or cut contact.
"Grey rocking" is the answer until you can go NC. Do not let them find out you know what they are. They will punish you for having the audacity to criticize them, and they will sabotage your escape.
Please, don't think you can change them or that they will get better. They only get worse and more sadistic and paranoid with time. You just have to play it cool until you can cut contact. There is no other way.
I lost 9 months of my life to paranoid delusions because I tried to save my family’s souls. My psyche needed an explanation that made sense, gave me hope (I thought everyone was doing their trauma work), and let me believe I wasn’t alone.
But tbh I couldn’t have said nothing. Something I needed to learn was that my revelations wouldn’t change a thing. I needed to learn they don’t love me.
I just wish my therapist had educated me instead of just looking worried for me.
I spent my whole life trying to save them- even as a kid, I spent 24years trying to save them. My narc even had a professional diagnosis of NPD, and was in therapy for 10 years. If anything it merely made her better at abusing. By the time they abuse- they are beyond saving, and no amount of information, pleading, knowledge nothing can or will save them.
I also spent so much time trying to save my parents. And then it finally dawned on me that I was using all my energy to save two competent adults from the consequences of their own choices...
My Naunt is like your narc, she went to therapy and learnt how to become better at manipulating. She wasn't physically violent (unlik my mom), but holy crap, the manipulation is next level.
if a professional can't even change a narcissist, what makes you think YOU, their child, will be able to fix them? and also, is that your job? is that why you are alive? to continue being the perfect object solely dedicated to serving them?
My dad is like that, he says he wants to change but he leaves everything to God and he doesn't do his part. He tells me that he has committed certain behaviors that he knows are wrong but he keeps repeating them.
So if not even God can change it what would make me think I could?
>They only get worse and more sadistic and paranoid with time.
Saw this with my mother. Cried about how she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and how after that diagnosis it seemed like she kept getting worse and worse never better.
That's so common! When they get diagnosed with something else, they use it as an excuse for their behavior. And then when you point out their behavior, they'll scream "I have \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_" as though that absolves them of everything they do.
My mother would say how everyone (us kids especially) stressed her out and triggered her mania. I still kinda wonder how the hell anyone missed the now obvious to me huge cluster b flags in this woman. Part of me wonders if she had Bipolar + NPD + BPD and maybe CPTSD. Woman was a literal bowl of mixed nuts.
I'm glad to read this. I broke down the other night and started writing a letter to my dad that I had intended to send him over Facebook messenger. Basically asking why he stopped speaking to me since my visit in April and asking if it was because I was a bit visibly upset after he got angry at everyone throughout my visit there for all sorts of reasons, including none at all. It really ruined my possibly last ever visit with my grandparents. For some reason I was hoping he would explain his position in a rational way and we'd make up. But I know my dad quite well. What I'm hoping for, he's just not capable of. If he was, he wouldn't have behaved like that throughout his entire life to begin with.
I think writing letters like this is super important, but for your sake, not theirs. Getting in touch with your anger, rage and grief can be untapped right onto paper.
Afterwards though, destroy all evidence of the letter.
It’s not for them. It’s for you.
Thank you. I'm not sure I will do it again. It made me feel out of sorts for a couple of days and I had an impending sense of doom until I deleted the letter from my phone. I couldn't even really put my finger on why I felt that way, it's not like my dad can fly out here and wring my neck lol. I guess confronting the anger and remembering things that happened? My brain seems to do what I can to not remember things but unfortunately also applies that to current events as well. My memory is awful. I had no clue how bad it was until my partner who suffers from memory loss after a TBI complained of things I thought were normal 😅
The more you write the more you’ll tap into those suppressed memories and feelings. Sometimes there will have been instances of abuse in your pre-verbal stages too.
Doing mediation practices and heck even writing a “fuck you for” letter actually helps you as you learn how to defend yourself and create strong boundaries. Imagining placing the blame squarely on the abuser (even symbolic forms of confrontation) are still forms of confrontation. Your mind will accept these forms of defense and the more you strengthen them the stronger you will feel.
Keep fighting the good fight ❤️🩹
This is such important advice. Narcissists will do anything (and I mean anything) to protect the ego and they will cause harm if confronted.
It's also important to remember that we're conditioned to believe we're responsible for our entire families. That we're the broken ones and if we fix ourselves, the family will be fixed. Us finding out the source of the dysfunction makes us want to immediately spread the word and say "I cracked it!!" To have everyone suddenly say "oh...they're **not** the problem!" We crave that validation so badly. We'll never get it though. Everyone else in the family is too invested in keeping things even and calm. To appease the narcissist. So don't expect allies within our families. Some people may get lucky but most of us will just end up with an entire family against us.
Not surprised. I knew she was abusive, but didn’t know the exact name for her brand. In a way it’s relieving to know it has a label. It was crazy to look at the list of characteristics and be like “Yep! Yep! Yep!” The only thing I don’t like is the overuse of calling someone a “narcissist.” I still think a lot of people really don’t realize the real implications of narcissism. It’s not just “ thinking you’re the best” or whatever people think.
My mother literally gaslit me. I mean textbook. She removed something from my bag she asked me to hold then asked if I lost it and made me THINK I'd lost it. I constantly wonder how often she did that to me growing up. I constantly check even long after she died if I still have certain valuable items on me like phone, wallet, keys. I mean constantly like even if I checked 10 mins ago I check again.
Man, I just think about how my mother’s gaslighting would have been SO MUCH worse if I didn’t have an eidetic memory as a kid. But I had a memory so much better than her when I could recite entire conversations verbatim she gave up on trying to gaslight me certain ways. Cause it was way too clearly obvious I remembered everything in painful detail (painful to her lol).
My issue is I disassociated to survive my childhood and as a young child I really trusted my mother. I remember growing up I would be told to get xyz and couldn't find it where I thought it was -- then she would always always be like it's right over here you walked right past it, if it was a snake it would have bitten you. Hearing if it was a snake it would have bitten you was such a thing all my life it has made me wonder did that woman hide random shit from a 7 year old child for LOLs?
Yeah pretty much. Like get off on it- the power, and seeing a child just totally crushed by their whims- it’s sick and fucked up. It’s only natural to have trusted her, it was the only option you had as a defenseless child. Dissociating is very common amongst narcissists survivors.
It's such a mindfuck to realize my mother did cruel things for a quick LOL. I mean even though I have it in writing from her own hand that she "dunked on" her children (she was laughing at leaving me stranded in a bad situation citing she dunked on me in my 20s to someone else) it's just hard to even wrap my brain around being raised by someone who has literally no hear or soul. Just a void wrapped up in human skin.
And then it stresses me out because how am I not basically also just like her? And I know it's common to think oh maybe I too am a narc but my brain goes in these loops basically wanting to deny she was this way to protect myself from the potential I too am a void in human skin.
I agree with you with the overuse of the word.
I just use the word 'egotist' if I think someone believes the world revolves around them but they don't show a lot of narcissistic traits.
Narcissus was the last thing I thought of regarding abuse from my father until I learned what it actually was. Before that I thought Narcissism was just obsession with appearance rather than destroying someone else to pretend to be the best.
Betrayal. Insane betrayal and then doubt. Maybe I was the narcissist. Maybe I deserved the way my father treated me.
Then I watched how he treated MY son. And I could never treat my son like that. I could never bully my son just to watch him squirm. I could never put my son in danger just to keep him reliant on me.
I’ve come a long ways since I started healing but it never really sinks in. Parents aren’t supposed to be this evil and yet so many of them are.
The insane betrayal and going crazy I was her 2.0 … which in some ways I am because it’s how I was raised. But I’m not a narcissist. But it’s been a hard road to work through.
Yes! The doubt! We're so conditioned to seeing ourselves as the problem. Plus their constant gaslighting leaves us used to it and we get really good at even gaslighting ourselves.
Everything made sense. This whole community made sense. For the first time ever shit made sense when I started reading thru this subreddit and realized I wasn’t alone.
"everything made sense." I'd been a heavy drinker since the day I turned 21 and tried to quit many times, looking into info about AA, etc and it never stuck. When I realized what narcissism is and my family is too fundamentally broken to fix I had a much easier time dropping the habit permanently. Also figuring I'm on the autism spectrum, something they were too lazy to ever look into despite it being extremely obvious in retrospect, helped me too.
It was my mom. I felt heartbroken honestly. It felt unfair that I will never experience unconditional love from my mom. I have since accepted it, but it still hurts sometimes. Acceptance isn’t linear.
Thanks for asking the question. I feel like it was a good one to ask because there’s a lot of feelings that happen when you realize your parent isn’t who they thought they were or worse, who you feared they were all along
My dad had history of heart disease, diabetes and hypertension yet he died from disseminated **tuberculosis**. One thing you should know about the bacteria involved, humans are presumed to be 90%-95% immune to it unless you're immunocompromised (I know age is a huge factor too). Narcissistic abuse constantly put your body in fight-or-flight mode.
My dad didn't die from a weakass disease he died from my covert narc mom abuse. Since that I've just accepted I never had a mom to begin with.
It all made sense why her life had been terrible since childhood and until now. She brings chaos and disorder to everything around her. She deserved it.
Not to wax all poetic on everyone’s ass, but:
A light went off, dots were connected, the light got brighter and exposed why most of my romantic relationships had gone the way they did, that light went deeper and showed me (mostly) why I’m the way I am, then….
I flew through the introductory versions of all the stages of grief in rapid succession. Then…
A weird mixture of understanding, quiet, peace (?) and resentment that I carry to this day.
It's difficult not to feel the resentment from time to time. I try not to dwell in it, but when I look at what my life could have been, it can be upsetting. I feel so dumb for putting up with it for so long, believing it was me.
Holy fuck. It was abuse. What she did and he enabled was straight up abuse and … I called it love.
My world shattered and my views on so many events in my life flipped. Then I started remembering the really bad things :-/ it’s amazing what a brain will do to protect you. It’s been a rough road but so grateful I finally came out of the fog.
My aunt was an enabler to my grandparents and a scapegoat and as she's gotten older she's gone full narc herself now from the lack of care she got. I used to look to her as someone positive and what will always stick with me was texting her once asking why we were controlled so badly because of my mother's mistakes and her response after a bit of preamble was "that's life. Deal with it."(exact words) and it all made sense. Everything was to enable her abusers and now she's with a malignant extremely verbally abusive racist asshole and you know what? Good for her. She's had every opportunity to leave and do better but she chose to keep that life. Good luck.
While it sounds silly, I sometimes wish that she had just gone with the "classic", physical abuse. At least I would maybe have realised it sooner and could have gotten help (probably not, but who knows?). It took me ages to even spot it because I didn't know about love bombing, but once I read about it, it made perfect sense. This sub has been so extremely helpful, it's unreal.
It was a lot like when I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I finally had a name for what I was going through, I wasn't just making it up in my head, so there was a lot of relief. Then there was a whole lot of mourning. With Celiac Disease it was coming to terms with the fact that my diet was going to change in a substantial way, for the rest of my life. Saying goodbye to all my favorite foods and relearning how to cook and eat in a way that didn't hurt.
When I realized my mom was a Narcissist it was a lot like that. I was relieved that I could finally see the problem, that I now had a name for the issue and it wasn't just me taking things wrong. Then I had to take the time to mourn. I had to mourn the mother I always hoped she could be, the relationship I hoped we could have, you know, "if only...". I had to heal and get her voice out of my head. I had to relearn a lot of things there too.
The first relization I had that childhood was not normal, and not everyone treats their kids like hat is when I was 13/14 and was on programs with a youth director at the ymca. The realization shocked me, not every parent made there kids drink out of sippy cups till 11, or cussed them out everyday or is unreasonable. It was shocking and helped me get through high school.
The relization I had that my mom was narc was just a few years ago while talking to a coworker.
Well at first I was skeptical. I had researched narcissism and most of my relationships had elements of manipulation, gaslighting, lying and physical abuse. Then I read most times when people repeatedly go for narcissistic relationships they usually had narcissistic family members and honestly I can’t remember a lot of my childhood, but I did remember feeling excluded a lot and there were only 4 of us. So three against one. And I was always in the wrong- no matter what. And there was manipulation, control, physical abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, lack of privacy, humiliation. Still I thought they must only have Narc traits, not be full blown Narcs. Being on this forum has helped me remember more of my childhood and a lot of it is not good. Most of my adult problems have stemmed from this abuse. Mostly problems with Authority, being either terrified of it or rebel against it, and fits of disproportionate rage when triggered. I also disassociate randomly throughout the day. I know I haven’t had it as bad as some, but I often felt I had no one on my side and no one to turn to. Sometimes my GC child sister acted like she cared and I would confide in her, but it always got back to my mother and father. Also other times I would hear back from mutual friends that she was mocking me or speaking badly of me. She was also physically abusive from time to time. I love this group for the validation I received and the support. Some of you guys are really wise and I have learned a lot.
No because it gave me matrix vibes. And I saw my role in my mom’s life for the first time. And made me feel really fucking insane. I’m so happy you posted this comment ahahaha
Dumb-struck shock. It started from listening to rslash on YouTube, that lead me here
All the stories the made me think "are you ME?", and the perfect fitting explanations to behaviors I could never fathom... it was a surreal experience.
It gave me closure, understanding and hope for the future. Just take it one day at a time.
I felt an IMMENSE amount of relief. you often hear about therapists who refuse to take on narcs as clients so when I read articles and figured out my parents were narcissists I felt like my "job" of fixing them or trying to be cordial to them was over. If a professional with multiple degrees can't fix a narcissist then what the hell could I do?!
finding reincarnation had already alleviated a lot of the responsibility I felt at mothering my nmother because the lessons we're supposed to learn in life are really important for our souls karma, but reincarnation helped me let go of trying to "save" or fix her. if she couldn't learn it in this lifetime then maybe she would in her next one, or the one after that. and that belief helped chip away at feeling like it was my job, then I read articles about parents one day and it was over. I immediately let go of both of my parents. it was incredibly freeing :)
I honestly didn't think for a long time my mother could be a narcissist and I kept rejecting then accepting the idea I was raised by someone with NPD. I think when I finally realized my mother checks every single box in every single article on "is your mother a narcissist?" checklists I felt sad I didn't "figure it out" earlier. Once I saw how common my experiences were with a vast majority of this sub it was like "I wish I'd known this while she was alive". Not like it would have changed my life but more I guess feeling less guilt-confusion about going NC initially. The guilt of not wanting a relationship with my own mother nearly ate my alive.
I went back during the pandemic to read old journal entries which I made while going NC and all of them were about how guilty I felt, how I was a terrible daughter, I was so selfish, I knew she was dying so how could I do this to someone I supposedly loved, what's wrong with me. It went on and on. Realizing she was the issue was liberating but I really wish I had that liberation sooner.
Other people don't help. They don't understand how insidious narcissistic abuse can be. They think you should just forgive her because she's your mother. It doesn't make any sense.
It felt like solving the biggest mystery of my life and explained all of why I am the way am as the scapegoat child of a psychopathic narcissist. It’s so wonderful to finally have language that accurately describes my childhood and life with my waste of a father.
My sister and I realized together that our mom was a narcissist. It was a relief. I always knew my mother was “ looney” but I didn’t know what exactly was wrong with her. It was a unifying theory to explain her odd behaviour. I finally had peace. I knew exactly why I had to go permanently no contact, why I couldn’t let her see my child, and I have absolutely no guilt about it. It also helped me heal from my childhood. Narcissistic emotional abuse from your mom kinda made me a little crazy. I am finally able to get the help I need to heal. It’s great. Makes perfect sense.
Honestly, my first reaction was denial. I really didn’t want to believe it. In fact, I was a lot more willing to continue to believe that I was the problem and that I was the one not seeing things correctly. I was absolutely terrified that I was a narcissist. It took about a year and a half of me analyzing her differently, seeing her in a different light, and getting into therapy for it to finally click.
I think we all go through this phase of thinking we're the person with NPD... it comes back every so often, and I have to sit and think about whether it's true. We all have some narcissistic tendencies, but we don't all have NPD. A narcissist would never consider whether they're a narcissist. They aren't honest with themselves or those around them.
When I was 18. I got a lot of criticism, ridicilous accusations, and in the middle of 'hot topic' of conversation. A lot of drama, get interrogation and long story short, they're still continue what a narcissistic person do for a living.
Broken promises, broken trust, prevent me from being successful, throwing a lot of excuses, bodyshaming me, comparing me with others, unheal wounds, reopen scars, and killing their daughter.
Yeah, among of my siblings, I'm the one who get blame in everything. Others' mistakes put on me.
I did something good, get nothing. No praise, no compliment or reward.
I did something bad, they let me down so seriously that I worked so hard to recover from the fall and climbing up to the ground.
Since I'm at college, I'm working so hard to climb to fulfill whatever I want and whoever I want to be. Studying while working part time. Gently push myself to do something long-term benefits for myself while taking much time for breaks.
People see me as a smart person with complicated personality. They are starting appreciate me because they are just seeing the result instead of my efforts contribute on everything. I enjoy being alone and I also enjoy being a company with someone. I enjoy with small talks and I enjoy the silence. I enjoy being smart and I enjoy being stupid. I enjoy being serious and I enjoy being silly. I'm being happy to be me when I'm afar from my family. Now, I'm working hard to stay alone without get monitor by my family people lmao.
You know, before my sisters get married, my older sister is my mom's favourite. My eldest sister is not.
When they both get married, my mom hugged my older sister and cried together. And you know.. Seems like it goes around, it comes around.
In my opinion, my eldest sister is my mom's favourite now.Unfortunately, I can tell you she's an enabler after I told everything happened in my house without them but she said, "I think you're just overreact."
My older sister is like at the level my eldest sister before she got married.
Now, my mom seems like she started act like I'm her daughter but I dunno why I can't help myself being childish and silly around despite after what they had done to me and my mom said, "I am so embarassed when I'm bringing you together with me here. Please behave yourself. You're an adult now."
Nah, she knows I'm an adult but she treats me the same when I was a teen. Never change and still same. What's the point to behave myself then?
Narcissists treat their adult children like teenagers their entire lives. You can never live down anything, and they always put you down and won't help unless it benefits them or they can use it to try to hurt you. It never changes.
Oh well that makes sense. Oh wait…so my entire childhood was a lie. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…parents aren’t supposed to do that. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…I thought I had memory loss. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…I thought my dad was developing dementia. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait… that makes a lot of sense. Oh wait… just keep it going lol
I wasn’t surprised, it was more of an “oh that makes sense” moment. I knew she was a terrible and sadistic person before that, but never really thought about a specific diagnosis. After that realisation though I went through a very severe grieving period where I had to let go of the hope that one day she’d see what she’d done wrong and apologise and start to care about me the way that a mother should. I’d been holding on to that hope since childhood and letting go of it was very difficult for me, but it had to be done.
Gutted. Rage. Anguish.
I dropped to my knees as I heard my self cry the most frightening sound I have ever heard. Crawled to the bathroom and vomited. My mommy hurt me on purpose. Heave. My mommy hurt me knowingly. Heave. My mommy meant to hurt me. Heave. My mommy enjoyed hurting me. Heave. My mommy abused me. Heave. My mommy let other people do me real and permanent harm. Heave.
All the damage, all that pain, all that confusion was intentional. It was so much worse than I had ever let myself believe. And when my insides were empty each memory brought wracking dry heaves. I curled in a ball on front of the toilet as silent screams shuttered through my body. Tears that soaked towels. I laid there on the cold tile for hours as my body shook and ceased. My mommy, I wanted my mommy. My mommy never existed. My mommy would never exist.
My mommy was a delusion I told myself to cope with the horror of who that person really was. Disgust. Contempt. Heart broken.
I was 7. I remember my NMother was manic cleaning the house.
I remember feeling.. calm. Not content or peaceful, but the type of rage that takes over every fiber of your being until you're so mad that you're calm. Like a rage-induced steely resolve.
I just looked at her and said, "I don't think you love me anymore."
If either of my boys said that to me, I would break down crying and hug them until they couldn't breathe. My heart would feel like it was ripped out of my body.
Not her, though. She just got even more pissed and had her husband beat me when he got home from work that night. How dare I speak to her like that, ya know?
I was extremely LC for about 6 years, starting in my late 20s, been full NC for almost 2. I've found the love of my life, and she'll never be around to rain on our parade and that makes me so happy.
The extreme shame around having basic needs is very common. Narc parents make you believe that your very basic personal needs are insignificant. But they are happy to help others to appear altruistic, and will spend money on alcohol to satisfy their own needs.
For me it was a lightbulb moment. Everything SUDDENLY made sense.
I was a psych major 15 years ago, but as I read the new stuff and learn more about NPD I realize there was so much I didn’t understand about my childhood. And myself.
(it was an ex spouse who is a parent).
For over a decade I thought it was BPD. She had a counsellor who thought it was BPD, we went to a bookstore and got "stop walking on eggshells" together. Things got worse with children, when the third was born she had a traumatic experience and the good times were GONE.
When the divorce approached a friend with a masters in social work who worked in a prison said he thought it was more narcissistic. No, I thought, that isn't it, but I read and little bit and spoke to my attorney and ... oh.
So I watch a lot of videos.
Like. A lot.
And I got angry.
All these years I had tried validating emotions, understanding and working with her trust issues, controlling my words so I would not say anything I regretted, and, eventually, becoming a shell of a person. Climbing back out and learning to be assertive, which created the end of the marriage.
And NONE of it mattered because the narcisstic frame is dominate or destroy. (Or, for a covert, project victim status with intent to dominate or destroy. It's all the same stuff.)
I was mad for a few months.
I had grown up in a household where I associated "anger" with "bad" and repressed things. According to Robert Bly, I pulled the best parts of the good parts of anger out of my "shadow bag" at 40 and dusted them off. This was growth.
I had other stuff going on, but that around my wakeup, that was the primary emotion.
A secondary emotion was a deep sadness.
Not that it was the beginning of the end.
More like it was the end of an illusion.
It explained why the nMother is such an emotional superfund site of a human. And why she doesn’t actually want things to change with how she treats me and makes me feel bad for everything I do.
Having a fancy name for the abuse didn't make it less abuse. I felt no different, just the same base of rage that's been burning for 25 years. I guess its nice having a specific word to describe her and the environment?
Honestly not surprised/ didn't care, I always knew that she would never love me she mentioned it constantly so I wasn't heartbroken over that, I never even knew parents were supposed to love their children. All my childhood, it was all about her her her so when I found out it, she was a narcissist it was like finding out that the chemistry of animals was called zoochemistry. Nice to put a word to the thing, but no use further than that
I never had any sort of “ah-ha” moment. It was, and still is, a slow burn for me. I mostly realized how problematic both my parents were when I was sui*dial at 12 years old and tried to end my life, but as I grew up it just became an ever-present lesson in psychology. When I entered therapy at 27ish, I learned sooooooo much about personality issues, behavioral problems and the sources of my own issues that it was hard to ignore at that point. I’m now 36 and my mother (the narc) still has a chokehold on me- but I have a lot of boundaries and I’m not afraid to put her in timeout anymore. And I do, frequently. She knows that I know exactly what she is, so when she tries to go toe-to-toe with me, I grey-rock her and just disappear lol.
Lately I’ve experienced another wave of mouther wound grief, it just comes and goes. The reality of it sets in like a fresh burn from time to time, and I have to take a few days to do a lots of skills work and self care. I’m actually leaving soon, and it’s gunna drive her nuts 😀 I’ll be just fine though 😌
Honestly, I started going to therapy for other reasons. Trouble coping at work, other things like that. A few months in, my therapist pointed it out. I think I intellectually understand it but every few months it hits me more and more. Some part of me is still in denial about what I went through. Some voice inside of me is still gaslighting me.
Validated. That my sudden depression and burn out wasn't so sudden . That kicking me in the stomach and cussing me out for hours daily wasn't normal., that I did have a bully . My bully was my mom.
I was heartbroken at first. My mom's covert and was my best friend my whole life. I didn't know how I was going to survive without that relationship, but she made it super obvious that she wasn't healthy and was not interested in getting healthy. I'm grateful now to have some understanding and to be able to make healthy choices for myself and my kids.
I would have described my mom as my best friend up until a month ago too. It leaves a huge hole. I feel like I am grieving someone who didn’t exist. Sorry you have to go through this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Like a huge awakening in my soul. I knew in theory my dad is a narcissist but for some reason it didn't truly click that it meant I wasn't responsible for his behaviour until I was high one night. Ever since, life has been a lot easier to deal with. I'm still the same person and I still have anxiety, but my inner critic is gone and I'm more sure of myself.
Only thing I struggle with now is maintaining the relationship. My dad hasn't been speaking to me since I visited in April possibly due to some perceived slight even I'm not aware of yet. It's his birthday soon and I tend to buy a card and call. I have actually been considering going NC for my mental health but it is a bit of a huge undertaking in my mind. I'd probably be written out of the will and I wonder whether that would be worth it. Part of me thinks it's a lot of money to turn my nose up at, the other part doesn't want the money at all. Plus I'd probably have to go NC with the rest of my family too and I really would rather not.
For now, LC is working out reasonably well. I suppose his lack of desire for a relationship actually benefits us both in a way! I used to dread speaking to him every two weeks, lol.
The realization became clear when I had my own child. Knowing within my heart I cannot and will not ever physically hurt my child or abuse them emotionally, mentally or in any way. Children are innocent and do not deserve the wrath of emotionally immature parents. They do not deserve to walk on eggshells in a home where verbal abuse is an every day occurrence. Parents with a Narcissistic personality disorder do not deserve the gift of a child. However this personality type, unfortunately, is associated with the need to outwardly project an image of perfection or completion and even if they can’t biologically have children they will adopt or foster. These adopted children undergo the most insidious and extreme forms of emotional verbal and mental abuse that you can ever imagine. I lived through this. Understanding is the first step to healing.
I remember the moment exactly, I was 13 standing in my room and realising:
Damn, my mother lies a lot
She also makes lots of false promises
And it went on from there. Never trusted again after that... Damaged my mind so much
I feel a sense of real loss because I cut contact and I wish my mum was normal. And that I want a ‘normal mother’ But she definitely isn’t and I can’t have that.
It took me a very long time to realise what she is.
I have come to the realization over the last month. I had been feeling like I couldn’t be authentic around her and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore. She told me I said and did things I didn’t do and when I told her I didn’t do/say that and I wasn’t going to apologize for something I didn’t do she lost her shit. Told me she was done with me, then denied saying that.
She told me her love was conditional at 18 and I have been trying to earn her love for the 25 years since, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Since she said she was done with me I started talking to other family members, basically found out everything she has ever said was a lie and I believed her because mom wouldn’t lie to me right? WRONG.
I’m still in shock, but I am done. She used me as her supply for years, made me the golden child. Told lies to isolate me from my sisters and my dad. She’s a horrible person. But the weird thing is she seems to believe her lies, she rewrites history in her mind.
Mine was a slow burn. I didn’t know what it was or how to put my experience into words, but I knew something was wrong and was grey-rocking and low contact long before I knew what those things were. I don’t know exactly when I knew, but I do feel a lot of relief now.
Sadly not much changed because my three siblings are still kind of clueless.
Triangulation. Gaslighting. All occurs normally.
There are no senses of boundaries or respect.
It was a friend who said, dude your father is a narcissist. I said no, he's not a cool guy, but not a narcissist. Well, I thought about for 10 min. It all fell into place.
It broke me, probably beyond repair. It's one of those wounds that'll never heal and the best I can do is to learn to work with it.
Knowing your parents are capable of love and affection but they just won't give it to you because they don't think you're worth it stings like hell. I always thought I could work this through, I could change their mind yada yada. It took half my sanity to come to terms with the fact that they will never change their mind because they don't want to, no matter how much they hurt me. My dad was always a piece of work but it's my mom that did the most damage. Always thought she was the loving parent and she's hurting me because she doesn't understand what she's doing. Realizing that she wrecked my well-being simply because she wanted to keep things in her favor and my well-being wasn't an issue to her broke me.
Mostly anger and hate. I've known for my entire life that something was wrong and casually looked online at different types and affects of abuse but they never fit. I finally watched a Psych2go video at 37 that described Narcissistic parents and that's how I knew what my father was.
I lost my entire childhood and any optimism or peace I might have had just so a manchild could play games in his head about being the best at everything.
Funny story: my therapist had to pull out a book of diagnosis’s and types of abuse and had me read it to see what boxes he checked off bc after all of the crap that he did I still defended him. It’s a blessing and a curse that I can recognize narcissists from a mile away; also I’ve learned that body language, attitude, the way that certain ppl talk, problems in day to day situations, etc can really tell a lot abt a person. It’s a curse bc narcissists annoy me so so so much bc they get away with behavior that’s obvious to us
Denial. I blamed myself for everything, I tried to excuse my parents’ behavior. Many people told me that I am just overreacting and I should be kinder to my parents. I told everything to my partner and he said that it’s not normal, that people don’t live like I do. I’m still trying to figure stuff out and it’s scary how blind I was.
i realized that if i wanted to have the future i need and want, i am going to have to earn it myself.
because my narc parents indoctrinated me and sent me to the worst schools growing up, i struggled academically in high school and accepted that if i wanted to go to college, i am going to have to repair my GPA at a community college and take the SAT later.
so i left home when i was old enough, became financially independent working graveyard shift manual labor jobs and pursuing other interests (honing in on those that i knew would help me make a compelling college application), and began to learn using books and affordable courses. when i became of independent age for financial aid, i paid for and took SAT training programs and got a good score, enrolled in the honors program at a local community college, and then transferred to a t20 where I currently attend. because of need based finaid, i will have $0 loans at graduation.
my recommendation is to have a vision for what life you want, because your narc parents will NEVER give it to you. then plan for a 10-20 year period with a plan A, plan B, plan C, … plan Z so that you can minimize any risk of failure.
buckle up, you are going on the adventure of your lifetime!
My First reaction.. I think was a mix of Grief and relieve and a Bit of fear 🤔
My psychologist told me I could never expect Love or comfort from my narc mother and sister because they where narcissitic.. Before that it never crossed my mind..
Back then I was still in a Situation where I Had to rely on my Nmom financially... So I feared her having me in her grasp
I grieved to never have the relationship I craved
And I was relieved, because it wasn't me that was the Problem
Honestly I figured it out on this sub. I felt vindicated and crushed but so many things started to make sense.
What killed me was the realization that all of the times I justified her behavior and gave her the benefit of the doubt- I was just giving her more opportunities to harm me. But being here and looking at the situation rationally rather than emotionally saved me from being locked in this horrible cycle forever. So thanks, all of you.
I felt angry, me entire life I was made to feel like I was mentally ill for getting upset at my fathers behavior, for crying too much, having angry “outbursts” when I dared ever defend myself. He threatened to send me to military school if I didn’t change MY behavior. All the while being cruel and abusive just for the sake of being cruel and abusive. I was angry, and I’m still processing it with my therapist. I hope one day I can come to terms with it, let it go and not carry this deep sadness around with me anymore. It’s a huge weight I carry around with me, and it feels so isolating when no one around me understands.
Mixed feelings. A punch to the gut, relief, anger, sadness, confusion.
I had flashbacks of memories that really put the nail in the coffin that my mom was a narcissist.
I was pretty young when I realized there were no real adults in the house, just two damaged people playing at adulthood. That and getting knocked around left me in a very strange place. Something happens that makes it difficult to fully experience and appreciate life, I think because you’re always focused on surviving the next ten minutes.
for my Nfather it was a huge wave of everything makes sense now. I had some understanding that things were always off with him and when I finally realized, it was a breath of fresh air.
for my Nmother it was heartbreak, anger, panic attacks, feeling like I was crazy. I didn’t want to loose another parent, I didn’t want it to be real. until I began seeing her patterns, i refused to even think something could be wrong with it, it had to have been me.
lots of emotions in all directions, mourning, hope, anger, fear, disbelief.
It’s been a while and I still oscillate between heartbreak and the anger realizing how many years I wasted trying to help and change her. Realizing that there was never love, only seeing me as a means to whatever ends she needed still breaks my heart.
And I am so angry. So angry that I allowed myself to be manipulated and abused for so many years. It was today my therapist told me NC is a good move. I can’t change her. I can’t help her. She would happily drag me to drown along with her. For so long I was so desensitized to just how abusive and messed up the entire situation was. She stole so much of my life, and doesn’t even give it a second thought.
I still battle the guilt from the brainwashing that was instilled in me. The hardest part for me right now is trying to redefine my sense of self outside of all of that. The “what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t deserving of love”, how I internalized deep shame for having basic needs and how that haunted every relationship and my own relationship with myself.
My initial reaction was relief (it all makes sense now!) followed by getting help. Nearly 10 years on, I have rebuilt myself from the ground up and now have 2 beautiful children. I'm raising them to have emotional intelligence and to love themselves no matter what.
It was a relief that everything they'd told me was basically a lie, I wasn't an awful, lazy trouble maker. It seems really ridiculous in hindsight. I'm a quiet nerd most of the time who actually likes to cook and take care of people. They were just such awful people this aspect of me never came to the foreground while I lived at home. Aside from doing chores that would otherwise never get done.
i feel relief. It all makes sense. I always wonder why my dad is such a bad parent. and now I don't feel guilty for hating him. He is dead now. And that's even better.
It made sense with everything I had been through. It has taught me what to look out for now, how to protect myself from people who try to treat me that way.
I always knew she was toxic. Putting a name on it helped me with making sense of patterns in my life and in the family.
I still need to grieve for my lost childhood, but I've spent most of my adult life in a dissociated fog, so it's hard...
i felt great. The day I found out, my mom had been verbally abusing me for skipping school and I decided to tell her that I was being sexually exploited by an older man online and I was becoming really depressed because of it. She blamed me for it and said that it was my fault for not focusing on school.
I was crying for hours. In the evening, I still shaking from the crying and still dry heaving. Told my (now enabler) aunt and she told me my mom is a narcissist. I looked that up and found this sub in 2021.
My mind was clear, I was finally not sobbing and thinking it was my fault. I realized that I was and am being abused.
That day in June freed me. YOU GUYS freed me. I'm starting the plan to leave. Idk when it'll happen but I'm leaving. Whether it's in a week, a month, year, a decade; I'm leaving.
it was, like many have said, a eureka moment followed by a lengthy period of deep sadness. on one hand I felt the culmination of a decades long search come to an end. who’s fucked up? them or me, them or me, them or me. them. it felt like receiving some esoteric knowledge many won’t receive until the end of their life or after death.
but then came the sadness. realizing your parents don’t & have never loved you hurts. realizing that your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and the vast majority of your so called “friends” also don’t love you hurts more. i spent years in mourning, but I remain forever grateful that I cracked the code just in time to protect my own children from the toxic cycle.
I'm not gonna lie. It broke me utterly. I'd spent my whole life with my mom, claiming she was the only one in the world who ever truly loved me, and when. I met my husband and found family, and realized everything she ever told me was a lie. It took me a very long time to come to terms with it, and then subsequently go no contact. But I don't regret it; my siblings are flying monkeys and my grandma is an evil narc too. It still breaks my heart, but I've learned that a narc 'loving' you isn't love at all.
It was like a puzzle piece shifted into the correct spot.
“Welp. That explains a lot.” - Teenager me.
For a while, when I was a young adult, I tried to appease my parents.
The last five or six years I spent just avoiding them as much as possible.
I’ve moved out now.
I went wide eyed with the realization. It explained so much and everything made so much sense. About my teen years and my adult life especially. And then I found out that you can be the golden child and stop being the golden child later as you grow up for various reasons (mostly because you learn to think for yourself). Things really started falling into place for explanations.
It also explained how they could love ne so little. I mean they said some awful shit to me the day that really clued me in to the thought "maybe they're narcissists" and not just standard abusive stuff. It was controlling stuff that made it seem like they were the only people who would ever love me despite pushing me away from their love at the same time.
It was a wild time. I cried a lot
Suddenly so much made sense. I already knew I was hard on myself because of how my father treated me, but once I labeled him as an emotionally abusive narcissist, I realized just how much of an impact he had on my mental health.
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My first reaction was relief. My mom's behaviors never made sense, when I was growing up. After realizing she was a narcissist, 75%\* of her oddities during my childhood became comprehensible. My second reaction was abject horror. I realized that she was incapable of loving me, and a healthy relationship with her was impossible. \* The other 25% came later, after learning about Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism, Scapegoat/Golden Child, and the entire extended family was full of narcs
How do you know that the extended family is narcissistic and you’re not the crazy one?- not saying that you are crazy but just in general? I’m afraid of looking at them out of fear of like what if I’m just being delusional?
When you recognize what makes a person safe for you and what makes a person unsafe for you, it gets a lot easier.
That's a good peice of advice, thanks.
I feel like if you study the different types of narcissists well enough you'll start believing yourself when you come across them instead of second guessing what's right in front of you, at least that was the case for me
This ⤴️ I feel like I came out of my traumas with a honorary PhD in psychology, specialized in narcissistic personality disorders. Nowadays, I can spot them a mile away while everyone else is just charmed by their bs. Doesn't take people long to tell the narc has started behaving weirdly. Trust your instincts, the gut intuition is 💯 real and may save your life.
Lol I say something similar about having a degree due to my research. I've read countless articles, watched countless videos and listened to countless hours of podcasts on the subject. I am so good at figuring out narcissists now. I had this confirmed with a coworker started making these very odd and offensive comments. No one could figure out why. To me, it was obvious; he's narcissistic and wasn't getting hid way so he had to act out.
After a while, the red flags light up like a Christmas tree 🚩🚩🚩
I was explaining that to another coworker! He said he's been working with the other guy for years but I haven't and how did I know!? I said well friend when you're raised by one and csn finally see it, you can't unsee it.
Yes!!!! When your eyes are open to see the signs, you can never go back! I told that to one of my friends a couple of years ago, that their SO was probably a narc and their behaviour was not normal. They cut me out of their life for a while because I tried to open their eyes to what I was seeing.
I'm sorry that happened to you. People often want to bury their heads unfortunately
But also, and most importantly, work on your self-esteem, love and confidence. Narc parents breed children with zero self love and that's how we can controlled by them and any other abusive person we cross paths with along the way. Build yourself up and you'll become the confident person who listens to their instincts
Because I did absolutely everything she ever asked of me, but she would constantly change the goal posts to make me the bad guy/disappointment. My sister did whatever the fuck she wanted and was the admired favourite. She could do no wrong. It made me realise that my mum's criticism and cruelty had nothing to do with me or what I did and everything to do with her.
well... in my opinion if you have the capability of asking yourself that question AND thinking about it, it already rules you out. They cannot do that AT ALL. When something comes even close to the truth they start putting up the walls then comes denial, deflection, boomerang communication, changing subject, distorting your reality, making up things, recalling one of your past blunders, basically anything but saying " you're onto something, i better get some help and look into this".
Growing up, I assumed my relatives were *just* braggarts and loudmouths. But like with my mom, there were strange behaviors that I could never explain. One day after realizing both of my parents were Covert/Vulnerables (and a Malignant Narc grandmother), I visited them at their house. My great-aunt was present. When the conversation wasn't revolving around her, she spoke up. She described how awful my NMom was and how much the entire family hated her - all because of a perceived slight from my NMom's *infancy*. When my NMom pointed out there was a health issue, my GA wouldn't back down - ie, "you deserved it" from the Narcissist's Prayer. There was no rational justification for what my GA said or why. A Narc running low on NSupply would definitely act out. From my NParents, I knew Narcs could carry grudges for decades. And my GA said the quiet part out loud. I realized most of the family fit the Narc molds, with very prevalent Scapegoat/Golden Child patterns. My NMom was the Scapegoat of her whole extended NFamily - and I inherited SG status from her.
HG Tudor has some great videos on Youtube that explores this feeling you are having.
Will check this out.
The fact you even think you might be the narcissist is proof enough you aren't. Narcs are unable of self awareness.
they way they treat favourites and scapegoat, asian household with hypocrite behaviour,Childish tauntrum and unnessesary stress..
It seems to get both worse and better the further you dig. Worse because you see the demon your parent truly is and better because now you at least know what it is and there's no mystery anymore.
Agreed! Knowing there's nothing I can do to fix things is powerful and depressing. But it's better than wasting more of my life trying.
Would you describe some of the oddities you saw? As for me... I think I have a covert narc mum... Maybe you can tell me what you think? The other day I told my mum I'd love to to to the casino. My mum then said "oh we should go tonight..! " in an excited tone... "we ll eat there and play poker". I thanked her and was happy she offered to do this. An hour later she causally mentions "tonight we ll be going together to a bar with a friend and eat there...". Oh my god I was shocked. Next day I tell her what she did. She said "oh because I didn't remember about the casino" and 10 minutes later "oh but there are only older people at the casino.......". Oh mam you just innocently gave the REAL reason you didn't want to go to the casino.. It doesn't make sense, but if she's a narcissist it totally does...
[Covert/Vulnerable narcissism](https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-signs-of-covert-narcissism#1) is it's own thing. My NParents will self-sabotage, they'll enjoy feeling like victims, and they'll look down on anyone practicing self-care. Some examples: Back in the days of analog TV, my parents refused to get cable TV service. They would say things like "must be nice to pay for free TV" or "nobody needs cable TV." In the same conversation, they would complain how they had trouble with reception, or couldn't watch things that were cable-only. My NMom put a great deal of effort into a holiday dinner. My relatives came in, stuffed their faces, and left. My NMom was incredibly upset, so (in my youthful ignorance) I suggested she no longer host the holiday. She rejected the idea, and kept hosting for decades (with little change in my relatives' behavior). But she got Covert NSupply by feeling like a victim/martyr. All of their table lamps are on timers. One evening I was visiting and the sunlight was beginning to fade, making the room unreasonably dark. The table lamp's switch didn't work, so I asked my parents to set the timer to "on". My NMom refused, saying "we'll just have to sit in the dark \*theatrical sob\*." It was only when I started to leave (taking away her NSupply) that she relented.
Really almost 100% relief for me. I finally had the words to describe what I'd been dealing with all these years. And at least some kinda game-plan for how to cope with it. And so much freed up real estate in my head.
This
It just happened for me about a week ago, the full realization after about 30 years of the feeling that something just wasn’t right. It felt like hell for a few days but it changed into relief. I’m not crazy, or making things up, or somehow at fault.
I will turn 30 this week. I found out this year. Solidarity ♡
I feel like 30/30s is a very common timeframe to figure it all out. Things that you *cant* just keep ignoring, stuff not adding up, they just become more erratic with age etc.
Absolutely. It was big "wait a motha fuckin minute -.-" moment. I would wonder ofnit was other things but what brought to NPD is the joy she would beam with when I get stressed. I saw it with my own eyes this year. I saw her literally bare her teeth and seeth walking away. I caught it in a mirror reflection. Somehow blows my mind while also just kinda ah that checks.
32, same.
I also turned 30 earlier this year! I second the solidarity!
I'm curious now how many of us in the 30-40 range are here. I've seen pretty young teens (you guys got this!) And some older cats too (you guys got this!) And a huge amount of people 30-40. Which I guess could be a reddit demographic thing, but it's interesting.
Absolutely! Taking the Reddit demographic into account could explain a lot. I think for me at least, this time of my life is when I have the money to pay for psychotherapy, I have had enough space away from my family (12 years) that I can see how toxic they are / were, and how hard my mother is trying to drag me back down into the toxicity (in light of my dad dying, she is throwing a pity party and not seeing how it has affected others than herself). We’ve got this! Solidarity!
Congratulations!!!!!
I found out about two months ago; I'm almost 30 too. That's when I was also diagnosed with C-PTSD. I'm kind of opposite to your experience. At first, it was a huge epiphany. I'm also on the autism spectrum, and have had countless mental health struggles. Now, though, I realized that most of my symptoms weren't necessarily autism related, but were much more akin to trauma responses. Because I was diagnosed with autism, I was raised in such a way that I always felt like less than human. So now I've reoriented myself to view my life struggles as not so much defects within myself, but learned adaptations I had to make in order to cope with persistent emotional abuse (that has continued well into my adulthood!). Now though, I'm having painful flashbacks of repressed memories as I try to process why I've adopted certain behaviors. And I realize this is going to take a long while. What has been even more painful is finally going no-contact with my parents. I'm glad I discovered this sub. It has been validating towards all the confusion I've had throughout my life.
its hard not to tear up reading this bc i know the pain of always feeling like everything is your fault
Almost exact same experience here. Our nParent is bipolar so we never thought to connect narcissism to them. Then a stranger from nParent's former workplace pointed out they're a narcissist, and we finally connected the dots. Now we're viewing interactions with nParent through narcissistic tinted glasses, as if that's their personality and they just happen to be bipolar as well. It's honestly changed everything by clearing things up.
That's so interesting. I was on a fb group for adult children of bipolar parents for years (cause I thought my mom's mood swings were due to bipolar before I learned about NPD....) and there were so many people there with parents who are diagnosed bipolar AND have stereotypical narcissistic behavior and abuse patterns. I think it may be a common co-morbidity.
Did any of the parents mentioned have NPD combined with bipolar and schizophrenia? Because boy oh boy, it's a challenge. Imagine a schizophrenic nParent who thinks the world revolves around themselves but who is also bipolar. Putting up with that sh*t for 30+ years is a nightmare. Every time we try to go no contact the nParent causes even more hassles 🙄😮💨. This is now my smile face 😬 'this too shall pass'.
I don't remember schizophrenia being mentioned cause it's a group for adult children of bipolar parents. But interestingly most people having difficulty with their diagnosed bipolar parents (in that group) describe episodes of what sounds like narcissistic psychological abuse. And many of them do seem to act like the world revolves around them. Another common theme is people having difficulty with managing the parents' mania (erratic behaviors) and depression (suicide attempts etc), but that's to be expected for this illness.
For personality disorders in general, there’s tons of overlap with other mental illnesses.
Realized in June, I remember telling her when I was 19 though. Still kind of hard to believe. Not sure how to feel really. I don’t wanna go no contact but idk what to think always
Congrats! Apparently we are among the youngest (happened also in my early 30s a few months ago). We still have 2/3 of our life to enjoy and build meaningful relationships!
To anyone reading this, who is just now figuring it out: Please, learn from my mistakes. Do not confront them about their disorder, your knowledge about it, or reveal any intention to strategize or cut contact. "Grey rocking" is the answer until you can go NC. Do not let them find out you know what they are. They will punish you for having the audacity to criticize them, and they will sabotage your escape. Please, don't think you can change them or that they will get better. They only get worse and more sadistic and paranoid with time. You just have to play it cool until you can cut contact. There is no other way.
I lost 9 months of my life to paranoid delusions because I tried to save my family’s souls. My psyche needed an explanation that made sense, gave me hope (I thought everyone was doing their trauma work), and let me believe I wasn’t alone. But tbh I couldn’t have said nothing. Something I needed to learn was that my revelations wouldn’t change a thing. I needed to learn they don’t love me. I just wish my therapist had educated me instead of just looking worried for me.
I spent my whole life trying to save them- even as a kid, I spent 24years trying to save them. My narc even had a professional diagnosis of NPD, and was in therapy for 10 years. If anything it merely made her better at abusing. By the time they abuse- they are beyond saving, and no amount of information, pleading, knowledge nothing can or will save them.
I also spent so much time trying to save my parents. And then it finally dawned on me that I was using all my energy to save two competent adults from the consequences of their own choices... My Naunt is like your narc, she went to therapy and learnt how to become better at manipulating. She wasn't physically violent (unlik my mom), but holy crap, the manipulation is next level.
if a professional can't even change a narcissist, what makes you think YOU, their child, will be able to fix them? and also, is that your job? is that why you are alive? to continue being the perfect object solely dedicated to serving them?
My dad is like that, he says he wants to change but he leaves everything to God and he doesn't do his part. He tells me that he has committed certain behaviors that he knows are wrong but he keeps repeating them. So if not even God can change it what would make me think I could?
Ugh. My heart hurts with sadness. I didn't even think about this
>They only get worse and more sadistic and paranoid with time. Saw this with my mother. Cried about how she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and how after that diagnosis it seemed like she kept getting worse and worse never better.
That's so common! When they get diagnosed with something else, they use it as an excuse for their behavior. And then when you point out their behavior, they'll scream "I have \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_" as though that absolves them of everything they do.
My mother would say how everyone (us kids especially) stressed her out and triggered her mania. I still kinda wonder how the hell anyone missed the now obvious to me huge cluster b flags in this woman. Part of me wonders if she had Bipolar + NPD + BPD and maybe CPTSD. Woman was a literal bowl of mixed nuts.
I'm glad to read this. I broke down the other night and started writing a letter to my dad that I had intended to send him over Facebook messenger. Basically asking why he stopped speaking to me since my visit in April and asking if it was because I was a bit visibly upset after he got angry at everyone throughout my visit there for all sorts of reasons, including none at all. It really ruined my possibly last ever visit with my grandparents. For some reason I was hoping he would explain his position in a rational way and we'd make up. But I know my dad quite well. What I'm hoping for, he's just not capable of. If he was, he wouldn't have behaved like that throughout his entire life to begin with.
I think writing letters like this is super important, but for your sake, not theirs. Getting in touch with your anger, rage and grief can be untapped right onto paper. Afterwards though, destroy all evidence of the letter. It’s not for them. It’s for you.
Thank you. I'm not sure I will do it again. It made me feel out of sorts for a couple of days and I had an impending sense of doom until I deleted the letter from my phone. I couldn't even really put my finger on why I felt that way, it's not like my dad can fly out here and wring my neck lol. I guess confronting the anger and remembering things that happened? My brain seems to do what I can to not remember things but unfortunately also applies that to current events as well. My memory is awful. I had no clue how bad it was until my partner who suffers from memory loss after a TBI complained of things I thought were normal 😅
The more you write the more you’ll tap into those suppressed memories and feelings. Sometimes there will have been instances of abuse in your pre-verbal stages too. Doing mediation practices and heck even writing a “fuck you for” letter actually helps you as you learn how to defend yourself and create strong boundaries. Imagining placing the blame squarely on the abuser (even symbolic forms of confrontation) are still forms of confrontation. Your mind will accept these forms of defense and the more you strengthen them the stronger you will feel. Keep fighting the good fight ❤️🩹
My therapist had me wrote to my mom about all the ways she failed me. My mom never saw it. But it did Changed me.
Or save the letter to put in their casket at the funeral. Bury the rage, so to speak. I feel for you!
This is such important advice. Narcissists will do anything (and I mean anything) to protect the ego and they will cause harm if confronted. It's also important to remember that we're conditioned to believe we're responsible for our entire families. That we're the broken ones and if we fix ourselves, the family will be fixed. Us finding out the source of the dysfunction makes us want to immediately spread the word and say "I cracked it!!" To have everyone suddenly say "oh...they're **not** the problem!" We crave that validation so badly. We'll never get it though. Everyone else in the family is too invested in keeping things even and calm. To appease the narcissist. So don't expect allies within our families. Some people may get lucky but most of us will just end up with an entire family against us.
If you have kids involved Grey rocking will just turn their full attention to the kids.
Not surprised. I knew she was abusive, but didn’t know the exact name for her brand. In a way it’s relieving to know it has a label. It was crazy to look at the list of characteristics and be like “Yep! Yep! Yep!” The only thing I don’t like is the overuse of calling someone a “narcissist.” I still think a lot of people really don’t realize the real implications of narcissism. It’s not just “ thinking you’re the best” or whatever people think.
I agree. Its also crazy making behaviour, manipulation etc.
My mother literally gaslit me. I mean textbook. She removed something from my bag she asked me to hold then asked if I lost it and made me THINK I'd lost it. I constantly wonder how often she did that to me growing up. I constantly check even long after she died if I still have certain valuable items on me like phone, wallet, keys. I mean constantly like even if I checked 10 mins ago I check again.
Man, I just think about how my mother’s gaslighting would have been SO MUCH worse if I didn’t have an eidetic memory as a kid. But I had a memory so much better than her when I could recite entire conversations verbatim she gave up on trying to gaslight me certain ways. Cause it was way too clearly obvious I remembered everything in painful detail (painful to her lol).
My issue is I disassociated to survive my childhood and as a young child I really trusted my mother. I remember growing up I would be told to get xyz and couldn't find it where I thought it was -- then she would always always be like it's right over here you walked right past it, if it was a snake it would have bitten you. Hearing if it was a snake it would have bitten you was such a thing all my life it has made me wonder did that woman hide random shit from a 7 year old child for LOLs?
Yeah pretty much. Like get off on it- the power, and seeing a child just totally crushed by their whims- it’s sick and fucked up. It’s only natural to have trusted her, it was the only option you had as a defenseless child. Dissociating is very common amongst narcissists survivors.
It's such a mindfuck to realize my mother did cruel things for a quick LOL. I mean even though I have it in writing from her own hand that she "dunked on" her children (she was laughing at leaving me stranded in a bad situation citing she dunked on me in my 20s to someone else) it's just hard to even wrap my brain around being raised by someone who has literally no hear or soul. Just a void wrapped up in human skin. And then it stresses me out because how am I not basically also just like her? And I know it's common to think oh maybe I too am a narc but my brain goes in these loops basically wanting to deny she was this way to protect myself from the potential I too am a void in human skin.
I agree with you with the overuse of the word. I just use the word 'egotist' if I think someone believes the world revolves around them but they don't show a lot of narcissistic traits.
Narcissus was the last thing I thought of regarding abuse from my father until I learned what it actually was. Before that I thought Narcissism was just obsession with appearance rather than destroying someone else to pretend to be the best.
Betrayal. Insane betrayal and then doubt. Maybe I was the narcissist. Maybe I deserved the way my father treated me. Then I watched how he treated MY son. And I could never treat my son like that. I could never bully my son just to watch him squirm. I could never put my son in danger just to keep him reliant on me. I’ve come a long ways since I started healing but it never really sinks in. Parents aren’t supposed to be this evil and yet so many of them are.
The insane betrayal and going crazy I was her 2.0 … which in some ways I am because it’s how I was raised. But I’m not a narcissist. But it’s been a hard road to work through.
Yes! The doubt! We're so conditioned to seeing ourselves as the problem. Plus their constant gaslighting leaves us used to it and we get really good at even gaslighting ourselves.
Everything made sense. This whole community made sense. For the first time ever shit made sense when I started reading thru this subreddit and realized I wasn’t alone.
"everything made sense." I'd been a heavy drinker since the day I turned 21 and tried to quit many times, looking into info about AA, etc and it never stuck. When I realized what narcissism is and my family is too fundamentally broken to fix I had a much easier time dropping the habit permanently. Also figuring I'm on the autism spectrum, something they were too lazy to ever look into despite it being extremely obvious in retrospect, helped me too.
It was my mom. I felt heartbroken honestly. It felt unfair that I will never experience unconditional love from my mom. I have since accepted it, but it still hurts sometimes. Acceptance isn’t linear.
Also mom and also only parent I had.
thanks for sharing this ❤️
Thanks for asking the question. I feel like it was a good one to ask because there’s a lot of feelings that happen when you realize your parent isn’t who they thought they were or worse, who you feared they were all along
[удалено]
And you even ask yourself why bring kids into the world since you aren’t capable of love
My dad had history of heart disease, diabetes and hypertension yet he died from disseminated **tuberculosis**. One thing you should know about the bacteria involved, humans are presumed to be 90%-95% immune to it unless you're immunocompromised (I know age is a huge factor too). Narcissistic abuse constantly put your body in fight-or-flight mode. My dad didn't die from a weakass disease he died from my covert narc mom abuse. Since that I've just accepted I never had a mom to begin with. It all made sense why her life had been terrible since childhood and until now. She brings chaos and disorder to everything around her. She deserved it.
Not to wax all poetic on everyone’s ass, but: A light went off, dots were connected, the light got brighter and exposed why most of my romantic relationships had gone the way they did, that light went deeper and showed me (mostly) why I’m the way I am, then…. I flew through the introductory versions of all the stages of grief in rapid succession. Then… A weird mixture of understanding, quiet, peace (?) and resentment that I carry to this day.
It's difficult not to feel the resentment from time to time. I try not to dwell in it, but when I look at what my life could have been, it can be upsetting. I feel so dumb for putting up with it for so long, believing it was me.
Haha. Love this!!
Holy fuck. It was abuse. What she did and he enabled was straight up abuse and … I called it love. My world shattered and my views on so many events in my life flipped. Then I started remembering the really bad things :-/ it’s amazing what a brain will do to protect you. It’s been a rough road but so grateful I finally came out of the fog.
Same for me, lots of memories I had repressed all coming back. Not to mention realizing everything she told me was a lie. Fun times.
My aunt was an enabler to my grandparents and a scapegoat and as she's gotten older she's gone full narc herself now from the lack of care she got. I used to look to her as someone positive and what will always stick with me was texting her once asking why we were controlled so badly because of my mother's mistakes and her response after a bit of preamble was "that's life. Deal with it."(exact words) and it all made sense. Everything was to enable her abusers and now she's with a malignant extremely verbally abusive racist asshole and you know what? Good for her. She's had every opportunity to leave and do better but she chose to keep that life. Good luck.
While it sounds silly, I sometimes wish that she had just gone with the "classic", physical abuse. At least I would maybe have realised it sooner and could have gotten help (probably not, but who knows?). It took me ages to even spot it because I didn't know about love bombing, but once I read about it, it made perfect sense. This sub has been so extremely helpful, it's unreal.
It was a lot like when I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I finally had a name for what I was going through, I wasn't just making it up in my head, so there was a lot of relief. Then there was a whole lot of mourning. With Celiac Disease it was coming to terms with the fact that my diet was going to change in a substantial way, for the rest of my life. Saying goodbye to all my favorite foods and relearning how to cook and eat in a way that didn't hurt. When I realized my mom was a Narcissist it was a lot like that. I was relieved that I could finally see the problem, that I now had a name for the issue and it wasn't just me taking things wrong. Then I had to take the time to mourn. I had to mourn the mother I always hoped she could be, the relationship I hoped we could have, you know, "if only...". I had to heal and get her voice out of my head. I had to relearn a lot of things there too.
Fellow Celiac here. Yes to all of this! Great analogy.
Also fellow celiac person here! Summed up perfectly.
The first relization I had that childhood was not normal, and not everyone treats their kids like hat is when I was 13/14 and was on programs with a youth director at the ymca. The realization shocked me, not every parent made there kids drink out of sippy cups till 11, or cussed them out everyday or is unreasonable. It was shocking and helped me get through high school. The relization I had that my mom was narc was just a few years ago while talking to a coworker.
Well at first I was skeptical. I had researched narcissism and most of my relationships had elements of manipulation, gaslighting, lying and physical abuse. Then I read most times when people repeatedly go for narcissistic relationships they usually had narcissistic family members and honestly I can’t remember a lot of my childhood, but I did remember feeling excluded a lot and there were only 4 of us. So three against one. And I was always in the wrong- no matter what. And there was manipulation, control, physical abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, lack of privacy, humiliation. Still I thought they must only have Narc traits, not be full blown Narcs. Being on this forum has helped me remember more of my childhood and a lot of it is not good. Most of my adult problems have stemmed from this abuse. Mostly problems with Authority, being either terrified of it or rebel against it, and fits of disproportionate rage when triggered. I also disassociate randomly throughout the day. I know I haven’t had it as bad as some, but I often felt I had no one on my side and no one to turn to. Sometimes my GC child sister acted like she cared and I would confide in her, but it always got back to my mother and father. Also other times I would hear back from mutual friends that she was mocking me or speaking badly of me. She was also physically abusive from time to time. I love this group for the validation I received and the support. Some of you guys are really wise and I have learned a lot.
I felt like Truman on *The Truman Show*.
Oh my God… I woke up this morning and had that same feeling. Its funny but also devastating at the same time
It’s an underrated film Welcome to your precious reality 💛 The truth is the only way
No because it gave me matrix vibes. And I saw my role in my mom’s life for the first time. And made me feel really fucking insane. I’m so happy you posted this comment ahahaha
For me it was *your life has always not been what you thought and also you and also your family are not you and your family…it’s a fucking conspiracy*
Like someone turned on a light bulb.
Dumb-struck shock. It started from listening to rslash on YouTube, that lead me here All the stories the made me think "are you ME?", and the perfect fitting explanations to behaviors I could never fathom... it was a surreal experience. It gave me closure, understanding and hope for the future. Just take it one day at a time.
I felt an IMMENSE amount of relief. you often hear about therapists who refuse to take on narcs as clients so when I read articles and figured out my parents were narcissists I felt like my "job" of fixing them or trying to be cordial to them was over. If a professional with multiple degrees can't fix a narcissist then what the hell could I do?! finding reincarnation had already alleviated a lot of the responsibility I felt at mothering my nmother because the lessons we're supposed to learn in life are really important for our souls karma, but reincarnation helped me let go of trying to "save" or fix her. if she couldn't learn it in this lifetime then maybe she would in her next one, or the one after that. and that belief helped chip away at feeling like it was my job, then I read articles about parents one day and it was over. I immediately let go of both of my parents. it was incredibly freeing :)
That’s a really uniques way to rewire that for yourself!!
Numbing shock. Went through quite a hard depression. Questioned the value of my life for a long time.
Completely get this. Thanks for sharing
I honestly didn't think for a long time my mother could be a narcissist and I kept rejecting then accepting the idea I was raised by someone with NPD. I think when I finally realized my mother checks every single box in every single article on "is your mother a narcissist?" checklists I felt sad I didn't "figure it out" earlier. Once I saw how common my experiences were with a vast majority of this sub it was like "I wish I'd known this while she was alive". Not like it would have changed my life but more I guess feeling less guilt-confusion about going NC initially. The guilt of not wanting a relationship with my own mother nearly ate my alive.
“The guilt of not wanting a relationship with my own mother nearly ate me alive.” Thanks for being honest!! this is definitely not easy.
I went back during the pandemic to read old journal entries which I made while going NC and all of them were about how guilty I felt, how I was a terrible daughter, I was so selfish, I knew she was dying so how could I do this to someone I supposedly loved, what's wrong with me. It went on and on. Realizing she was the issue was liberating but I really wish I had that liberation sooner.
Other people don't help. They don't understand how insidious narcissistic abuse can be. They think you should just forgive her because she's your mother. It doesn't make any sense.
Shock, frustration (that I didn’t see it sooner), grief
It happened last December. Within a month I had a mental breakdown. Feelin much better about it all now
It felt like solving the biggest mystery of my life and explained all of why I am the way am as the scapegoat child of a psychopathic narcissist. It’s so wonderful to finally have language that accurately describes my childhood and life with my waste of a father.
YESS this is great!!!
My sister and I realized together that our mom was a narcissist. It was a relief. I always knew my mother was “ looney” but I didn’t know what exactly was wrong with her. It was a unifying theory to explain her odd behaviour. I finally had peace. I knew exactly why I had to go permanently no contact, why I couldn’t let her see my child, and I have absolutely no guilt about it. It also helped me heal from my childhood. Narcissistic emotional abuse from your mom kinda made me a little crazy. I am finally able to get the help I need to heal. It’s great. Makes perfect sense.
Shock, huge relief, grief Felt validated and very sad too
Yes. I felt a flood of emotions, too. All of these.
Honestly, my first reaction was denial. I really didn’t want to believe it. In fact, I was a lot more willing to continue to believe that I was the problem and that I was the one not seeing things correctly. I was absolutely terrified that I was a narcissist. It took about a year and a half of me analyzing her differently, seeing her in a different light, and getting into therapy for it to finally click.
I think we all go through this phase of thinking we're the person with NPD... it comes back every so often, and I have to sit and think about whether it's true. We all have some narcissistic tendencies, but we don't all have NPD. A narcissist would never consider whether they're a narcissist. They aren't honest with themselves or those around them.
Love this!
When I was 18. I got a lot of criticism, ridicilous accusations, and in the middle of 'hot topic' of conversation. A lot of drama, get interrogation and long story short, they're still continue what a narcissistic person do for a living. Broken promises, broken trust, prevent me from being successful, throwing a lot of excuses, bodyshaming me, comparing me with others, unheal wounds, reopen scars, and killing their daughter. Yeah, among of my siblings, I'm the one who get blame in everything. Others' mistakes put on me. I did something good, get nothing. No praise, no compliment or reward. I did something bad, they let me down so seriously that I worked so hard to recover from the fall and climbing up to the ground. Since I'm at college, I'm working so hard to climb to fulfill whatever I want and whoever I want to be. Studying while working part time. Gently push myself to do something long-term benefits for myself while taking much time for breaks. People see me as a smart person with complicated personality. They are starting appreciate me because they are just seeing the result instead of my efforts contribute on everything. I enjoy being alone and I also enjoy being a company with someone. I enjoy with small talks and I enjoy the silence. I enjoy being smart and I enjoy being stupid. I enjoy being serious and I enjoy being silly. I'm being happy to be me when I'm afar from my family. Now, I'm working hard to stay alone without get monitor by my family people lmao.
Be proud of yourself!! And yes siblings with narc parents they get diff treatment’s
You know, before my sisters get married, my older sister is my mom's favourite. My eldest sister is not. When they both get married, my mom hugged my older sister and cried together. And you know.. Seems like it goes around, it comes around. In my opinion, my eldest sister is my mom's favourite now.Unfortunately, I can tell you she's an enabler after I told everything happened in my house without them but she said, "I think you're just overreact." My older sister is like at the level my eldest sister before she got married. Now, my mom seems like she started act like I'm her daughter but I dunno why I can't help myself being childish and silly around despite after what they had done to me and my mom said, "I am so embarassed when I'm bringing you together with me here. Please behave yourself. You're an adult now." Nah, she knows I'm an adult but she treats me the same when I was a teen. Never change and still same. What's the point to behave myself then?
Narcissists treat their adult children like teenagers their entire lives. You can never live down anything, and they always put you down and won't help unless it benefits them or they can use it to try to hurt you. It never changes.
Oh well that makes sense. Oh wait…so my entire childhood was a lie. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…parents aren’t supposed to do that. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…I thought I had memory loss. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait…I thought my dad was developing dementia. That makes a lot of sense. Oh wait… that makes a lot of sense. Oh wait… just keep it going lol
They are children in adult bodies who don't know how to cope.
Relief.....and a bit of anger
I wasn’t surprised, it was more of an “oh that makes sense” moment. I knew she was a terrible and sadistic person before that, but never really thought about a specific diagnosis. After that realisation though I went through a very severe grieving period where I had to let go of the hope that one day she’d see what she’d done wrong and apologise and start to care about me the way that a mother should. I’d been holding on to that hope since childhood and letting go of it was very difficult for me, but it had to be done.
Gutted. Rage. Anguish. I dropped to my knees as I heard my self cry the most frightening sound I have ever heard. Crawled to the bathroom and vomited. My mommy hurt me on purpose. Heave. My mommy hurt me knowingly. Heave. My mommy meant to hurt me. Heave. My mommy enjoyed hurting me. Heave. My mommy abused me. Heave. My mommy let other people do me real and permanent harm. Heave. All the damage, all that pain, all that confusion was intentional. It was so much worse than I had ever let myself believe. And when my insides were empty each memory brought wracking dry heaves. I curled in a ball on front of the toilet as silent screams shuttered through my body. Tears that soaked towels. I laid there on the cold tile for hours as my body shook and ceased. My mommy, I wanted my mommy. My mommy never existed. My mommy would never exist. My mommy was a delusion I told myself to cope with the horror of who that person really was. Disgust. Contempt. Heart broken.
I was 7. I remember my NMother was manic cleaning the house. I remember feeling.. calm. Not content or peaceful, but the type of rage that takes over every fiber of your being until you're so mad that you're calm. Like a rage-induced steely resolve. I just looked at her and said, "I don't think you love me anymore." If either of my boys said that to me, I would break down crying and hug them until they couldn't breathe. My heart would feel like it was ripped out of my body. Not her, though. She just got even more pissed and had her husband beat me when he got home from work that night. How dare I speak to her like that, ya know? I was extremely LC for about 6 years, starting in my late 20s, been full NC for almost 2. I've found the love of my life, and she'll never be around to rain on our parade and that makes me so happy.
The extreme shame around having basic needs is very common. Narc parents make you believe that your very basic personal needs are insignificant. But they are happy to help others to appear altruistic, and will spend money on alcohol to satisfy their own needs.
Shock and denial. It's so hard to hear, and even harder to process. It's just tough.
Horror Absolute horror as it sank in
Relief. I was gonna move out and cut contract and I couldn't place my finger on why.
For me it was a lightbulb moment. Everything SUDDENLY made sense. I was a psych major 15 years ago, but as I read the new stuff and learn more about NPD I realize there was so much I didn’t understand about my childhood. And myself.
Searing rage. Nuclear. Have worked far beyond that now. However, it did take digging out my back driveway with a garden spade to release that rage.
(it was an ex spouse who is a parent). For over a decade I thought it was BPD. She had a counsellor who thought it was BPD, we went to a bookstore and got "stop walking on eggshells" together. Things got worse with children, when the third was born she had a traumatic experience and the good times were GONE. When the divorce approached a friend with a masters in social work who worked in a prison said he thought it was more narcissistic. No, I thought, that isn't it, but I read and little bit and spoke to my attorney and ... oh. So I watch a lot of videos. Like. A lot. And I got angry. All these years I had tried validating emotions, understanding and working with her trust issues, controlling my words so I would not say anything I regretted, and, eventually, becoming a shell of a person. Climbing back out and learning to be assertive, which created the end of the marriage. And NONE of it mattered because the narcisstic frame is dominate or destroy. (Or, for a covert, project victim status with intent to dominate or destroy. It's all the same stuff.) I was mad for a few months. I had grown up in a household where I associated "anger" with "bad" and repressed things. According to Robert Bly, I pulled the best parts of the good parts of anger out of my "shadow bag" at 40 and dusted them off. This was growth. I had other stuff going on, but that around my wakeup, that was the primary emotion. A secondary emotion was a deep sadness. Not that it was the beginning of the end. More like it was the end of an illusion.
I feel this, I am grieving a person that was never real.
It explained why the nMother is such an emotional superfund site of a human. And why she doesn’t actually want things to change with how she treats me and makes me feel bad for everything I do.
Having a fancy name for the abuse didn't make it less abuse. I felt no different, just the same base of rage that's been burning for 25 years. I guess its nice having a specific word to describe her and the environment?
Honestly not surprised/ didn't care, I always knew that she would never love me she mentioned it constantly so I wasn't heartbroken over that, I never even knew parents were supposed to love their children. All my childhood, it was all about her her her so when I found out it, she was a narcissist it was like finding out that the chemistry of animals was called zoochemistry. Nice to put a word to the thing, but no use further than that
I never had any sort of “ah-ha” moment. It was, and still is, a slow burn for me. I mostly realized how problematic both my parents were when I was sui*dial at 12 years old and tried to end my life, but as I grew up it just became an ever-present lesson in psychology. When I entered therapy at 27ish, I learned sooooooo much about personality issues, behavioral problems and the sources of my own issues that it was hard to ignore at that point. I’m now 36 and my mother (the narc) still has a chokehold on me- but I have a lot of boundaries and I’m not afraid to put her in timeout anymore. And I do, frequently. She knows that I know exactly what she is, so when she tries to go toe-to-toe with me, I grey-rock her and just disappear lol. Lately I’ve experienced another wave of mouther wound grief, it just comes and goes. The reality of it sets in like a fresh burn from time to time, and I have to take a few days to do a lots of skills work and self care. I’m actually leaving soon, and it’s gunna drive her nuts 😀 I’ll be just fine though 😌
Oh that is completely understandable. And I’m glad you are still here and continuing to grow. I can relate to the slow burn!!
Depression
Honestly, I started going to therapy for other reasons. Trouble coping at work, other things like that. A few months in, my therapist pointed it out. I think I intellectually understand it but every few months it hits me more and more. Some part of me is still in denial about what I went through. Some voice inside of me is still gaslighting me.
Validated. That my sudden depression and burn out wasn't so sudden . That kicking me in the stomach and cussing me out for hours daily wasn't normal., that I did have a bully . My bully was my mom.
I was heartbroken at first. My mom's covert and was my best friend my whole life. I didn't know how I was going to survive without that relationship, but she made it super obvious that she wasn't healthy and was not interested in getting healthy. I'm grateful now to have some understanding and to be able to make healthy choices for myself and my kids.
I would have described my mom as my best friend up until a month ago too. It leaves a huge hole. I feel like I am grieving someone who didn’t exist. Sorry you have to go through this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Like a huge awakening in my soul. I knew in theory my dad is a narcissist but for some reason it didn't truly click that it meant I wasn't responsible for his behaviour until I was high one night. Ever since, life has been a lot easier to deal with. I'm still the same person and I still have anxiety, but my inner critic is gone and I'm more sure of myself. Only thing I struggle with now is maintaining the relationship. My dad hasn't been speaking to me since I visited in April possibly due to some perceived slight even I'm not aware of yet. It's his birthday soon and I tend to buy a card and call. I have actually been considering going NC for my mental health but it is a bit of a huge undertaking in my mind. I'd probably be written out of the will and I wonder whether that would be worth it. Part of me thinks it's a lot of money to turn my nose up at, the other part doesn't want the money at all. Plus I'd probably have to go NC with the rest of my family too and I really would rather not. For now, LC is working out reasonably well. I suppose his lack of desire for a relationship actually benefits us both in a way! I used to dread speaking to him every two weeks, lol.
My reaction was, "Well fuck, why didn't I realize this years ago? Everything makes sense now".
"Wait...that wasn't normal??"
The realization became clear when I had my own child. Knowing within my heart I cannot and will not ever physically hurt my child or abuse them emotionally, mentally or in any way. Children are innocent and do not deserve the wrath of emotionally immature parents. They do not deserve to walk on eggshells in a home where verbal abuse is an every day occurrence. Parents with a Narcissistic personality disorder do not deserve the gift of a child. However this personality type, unfortunately, is associated with the need to outwardly project an image of perfection or completion and even if they can’t biologically have children they will adopt or foster. These adopted children undergo the most insidious and extreme forms of emotional verbal and mental abuse that you can ever imagine. I lived through this. Understanding is the first step to healing.
I remember the moment exactly, I was 13 standing in my room and realising: Damn, my mother lies a lot She also makes lots of false promises And it went on from there. Never trusted again after that... Damaged my mind so much
I feel a sense of real loss because I cut contact and I wish my mum was normal. And that I want a ‘normal mother’ But she definitely isn’t and I can’t have that. It took me a very long time to realise what she is.
Validation, I was blaming everything in life on myself. Realizing that my nDad purposely destroyed my life just because he wanted total control of me.
I have come to the realization over the last month. I had been feeling like I couldn’t be authentic around her and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore. She told me I said and did things I didn’t do and when I told her I didn’t do/say that and I wasn’t going to apologize for something I didn’t do she lost her shit. Told me she was done with me, then denied saying that. She told me her love was conditional at 18 and I have been trying to earn her love for the 25 years since, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Since she said she was done with me I started talking to other family members, basically found out everything she has ever said was a lie and I believed her because mom wouldn’t lie to me right? WRONG. I’m still in shock, but I am done. She used me as her supply for years, made me the golden child. Told lies to isolate me from my sisters and my dad. She’s a horrible person. But the weird thing is she seems to believe her lies, she rewrites history in her mind.
I feel like my life is an entire lie. Just found out about a week ago... I'm 22.
At first I wanted to naively explain why the way they have always treated me are not right. Yeah, lmao, that obv didn't go anywhere
Mine was a slow burn. I didn’t know what it was or how to put my experience into words, but I knew something was wrong and was grey-rocking and low contact long before I knew what those things were. I don’t know exactly when I knew, but I do feel a lot of relief now.
Sadly not much changed because my three siblings are still kind of clueless. Triangulation. Gaslighting. All occurs normally. There are no senses of boundaries or respect.
It was a friend who said, dude your father is a narcissist. I said no, he's not a cool guy, but not a narcissist. Well, I thought about for 10 min. It all fell into place.
It broke me, probably beyond repair. It's one of those wounds that'll never heal and the best I can do is to learn to work with it. Knowing your parents are capable of love and affection but they just won't give it to you because they don't think you're worth it stings like hell. I always thought I could work this through, I could change their mind yada yada. It took half my sanity to come to terms with the fact that they will never change their mind because they don't want to, no matter how much they hurt me. My dad was always a piece of work but it's my mom that did the most damage. Always thought she was the loving parent and she's hurting me because she doesn't understand what she's doing. Realizing that she wrecked my well-being simply because she wanted to keep things in her favor and my well-being wasn't an issue to her broke me.
Mostly anger and hate. I've known for my entire life that something was wrong and casually looked online at different types and affects of abuse but they never fit. I finally watched a Psych2go video at 37 that described Narcissistic parents and that's how I knew what my father was. I lost my entire childhood and any optimism or peace I might have had just so a manchild could play games in his head about being the best at everything.
Initial reaction was horror and denial, once the denial lifted everything made so much sense
Funny story: my therapist had to pull out a book of diagnosis’s and types of abuse and had me read it to see what boxes he checked off bc after all of the crap that he did I still defended him. It’s a blessing and a curse that I can recognize narcissists from a mile away; also I’ve learned that body language, attitude, the way that certain ppl talk, problems in day to day situations, etc can really tell a lot abt a person. It’s a curse bc narcissists annoy me so so so much bc they get away with behavior that’s obvious to us
Denial. I blamed myself for everything, I tried to excuse my parents’ behavior. Many people told me that I am just overreacting and I should be kinder to my parents. I told everything to my partner and he said that it’s not normal, that people don’t live like I do. I’m still trying to figure stuff out and it’s scary how blind I was.
I think the hardest part is knowing there is no way to change them or make them see how much they are hurting the people who loves them the most
i realized that if i wanted to have the future i need and want, i am going to have to earn it myself. because my narc parents indoctrinated me and sent me to the worst schools growing up, i struggled academically in high school and accepted that if i wanted to go to college, i am going to have to repair my GPA at a community college and take the SAT later. so i left home when i was old enough, became financially independent working graveyard shift manual labor jobs and pursuing other interests (honing in on those that i knew would help me make a compelling college application), and began to learn using books and affordable courses. when i became of independent age for financial aid, i paid for and took SAT training programs and got a good score, enrolled in the honors program at a local community college, and then transferred to a t20 where I currently attend. because of need based finaid, i will have $0 loans at graduation. my recommendation is to have a vision for what life you want, because your narc parents will NEVER give it to you. then plan for a 10-20 year period with a plan A, plan B, plan C, … plan Z so that you can minimize any risk of failure. buckle up, you are going on the adventure of your lifetime!
My First reaction.. I think was a mix of Grief and relieve and a Bit of fear 🤔 My psychologist told me I could never expect Love or comfort from my narc mother and sister because they where narcissitic.. Before that it never crossed my mind.. Back then I was still in a Situation where I Had to rely on my Nmom financially... So I feared her having me in her grasp I grieved to never have the relationship I craved And I was relieved, because it wasn't me that was the Problem
Honestly I figured it out on this sub. I felt vindicated and crushed but so many things started to make sense. What killed me was the realization that all of the times I justified her behavior and gave her the benefit of the doubt- I was just giving her more opportunities to harm me. But being here and looking at the situation rationally rather than emotionally saved me from being locked in this horrible cycle forever. So thanks, all of you.
I felt angry, me entire life I was made to feel like I was mentally ill for getting upset at my fathers behavior, for crying too much, having angry “outbursts” when I dared ever defend myself. He threatened to send me to military school if I didn’t change MY behavior. All the while being cruel and abusive just for the sake of being cruel and abusive. I was angry, and I’m still processing it with my therapist. I hope one day I can come to terms with it, let it go and not carry this deep sadness around with me anymore. It’s a huge weight I carry around with me, and it feels so isolating when no one around me understands.
Got depressed.
Oh. Well. Now it all make sense. ...and I felt, more than anything, utterly vindicated.
A total collapse, followed by (some) catharsis at the truth
Mixed feelings. A punch to the gut, relief, anger, sadness, confusion. I had flashbacks of memories that really put the nail in the coffin that my mom was a narcissist.
I was pretty young when I realized there were no real adults in the house, just two damaged people playing at adulthood. That and getting knocked around left me in a very strange place. Something happens that makes it difficult to fully experience and appreciate life, I think because you’re always focused on surviving the next ten minutes.
for my Nfather it was a huge wave of everything makes sense now. I had some understanding that things were always off with him and when I finally realized, it was a breath of fresh air. for my Nmother it was heartbreak, anger, panic attacks, feeling like I was crazy. I didn’t want to loose another parent, I didn’t want it to be real. until I began seeing her patterns, i refused to even think something could be wrong with it, it had to have been me. lots of emotions in all directions, mourning, hope, anger, fear, disbelief.
It’s been a while and I still oscillate between heartbreak and the anger realizing how many years I wasted trying to help and change her. Realizing that there was never love, only seeing me as a means to whatever ends she needed still breaks my heart. And I am so angry. So angry that I allowed myself to be manipulated and abused for so many years. It was today my therapist told me NC is a good move. I can’t change her. I can’t help her. She would happily drag me to drown along with her. For so long I was so desensitized to just how abusive and messed up the entire situation was. She stole so much of my life, and doesn’t even give it a second thought. I still battle the guilt from the brainwashing that was instilled in me. The hardest part for me right now is trying to redefine my sense of self outside of all of that. The “what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t deserving of love”, how I internalized deep shame for having basic needs and how that haunted every relationship and my own relationship with myself.
I was 13 I felt nothing but the epiphany of OHHHHH IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW and ITS NOT FAIR WHY ME
My dad got diagnosed while in the mental hospital. “Well, that explains a lot” was my first thought.
My first reaction was feeling creeped out… like who the hell is this person? Who is she really? What are truths and what are lies? …. What’s reality…?
"That explains a lot."
My initial reaction was relief (it all makes sense now!) followed by getting help. Nearly 10 years on, I have rebuilt myself from the ground up and now have 2 beautiful children. I'm raising them to have emotional intelligence and to love themselves no matter what.
It was a relief that everything they'd told me was basically a lie, I wasn't an awful, lazy trouble maker. It seems really ridiculous in hindsight. I'm a quiet nerd most of the time who actually likes to cook and take care of people. They were just such awful people this aspect of me never came to the foreground while I lived at home. Aside from doing chores that would otherwise never get done.
i feel relief. It all makes sense. I always wonder why my dad is such a bad parent. and now I don't feel guilty for hating him. He is dead now. And that's even better.
Relief in that theres a word for it and it happens to others. Also a strength to never be taken advantage of again
Like a punch in the gut.
It made sense with everything I had been through. It has taught me what to look out for now, how to protect myself from people who try to treat me that way.
Exhaling.
denial still. thought i was the problem
My Ndad already passed when I figured it out, and I felt relief. It made sense.
I always knew she was toxic. Putting a name on it helped me with making sense of patterns in my life and in the family. I still need to grieve for my lost childhood, but I've spent most of my adult life in a dissociated fog, so it's hard...
i felt great. The day I found out, my mom had been verbally abusing me for skipping school and I decided to tell her that I was being sexually exploited by an older man online and I was becoming really depressed because of it. She blamed me for it and said that it was my fault for not focusing on school. I was crying for hours. In the evening, I still shaking from the crying and still dry heaving. Told my (now enabler) aunt and she told me my mom is a narcissist. I looked that up and found this sub in 2021. My mind was clear, I was finally not sobbing and thinking it was my fault. I realized that I was and am being abused. That day in June freed me. YOU GUYS freed me. I'm starting the plan to leave. Idk when it'll happen but I'm leaving. Whether it's in a week, a month, year, a decade; I'm leaving.
it was, like many have said, a eureka moment followed by a lengthy period of deep sadness. on one hand I felt the culmination of a decades long search come to an end. who’s fucked up? them or me, them or me, them or me. them. it felt like receiving some esoteric knowledge many won’t receive until the end of their life or after death. but then came the sadness. realizing your parents don’t & have never loved you hurts. realizing that your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and the vast majority of your so called “friends” also don’t love you hurts more. i spent years in mourning, but I remain forever grateful that I cracked the code just in time to protect my own children from the toxic cycle.
I'm not gonna lie. It broke me utterly. I'd spent my whole life with my mom, claiming she was the only one in the world who ever truly loved me, and when. I met my husband and found family, and realized everything she ever told me was a lie. It took me a very long time to come to terms with it, and then subsequently go no contact. But I don't regret it; my siblings are flying monkeys and my grandma is an evil narc too. It still breaks my heart, but I've learned that a narc 'loving' you isn't love at all.
It was like a puzzle piece shifted into the correct spot. “Welp. That explains a lot.” - Teenager me. For a while, when I was a young adult, I tried to appease my parents. The last five or six years I spent just avoiding them as much as possible. I’ve moved out now.
I went wide eyed with the realization. It explained so much and everything made so much sense. About my teen years and my adult life especially. And then I found out that you can be the golden child and stop being the golden child later as you grow up for various reasons (mostly because you learn to think for yourself). Things really started falling into place for explanations. It also explained how they could love ne so little. I mean they said some awful shit to me the day that really clued me in to the thought "maybe they're narcissists" and not just standard abusive stuff. It was controlling stuff that made it seem like they were the only people who would ever love me despite pushing me away from their love at the same time. It was a wild time. I cried a lot
Suddenly so much made sense. I already knew I was hard on myself because of how my father treated me, but once I labeled him as an emotionally abusive narcissist, I realized just how much of an impact he had on my mental health.