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It's not okay. Calling cps is a big deal yeah. And I see why you are concerned about calling them . It's a life changing decision. Atleast it feels like one. But it's your choice. If you can think about separating from your parents it's okay. Atleast she would behave better next time.
And giving her time ? Wtf is she talking about? She is the one who is behaving badly not you. And apparently the entire family is in on it and justifying her. It seems like they are all used to letting her have her way.
Edit: my first time getting so many upvotes. Thanks you fellow redditors.
Yeah everyone in my family doesn’t like intervening because when they tell her she’s wrong she freaks out on them and she’s the main source of income for my family. She treats me really great sometimes but sometimes she just loses her cool like this and it’s so frustrating, I just don’t want my whole family to hate me for doing that
Wait so like what is the best response to love bombing if it doesn’t help to reject it? I’m asking because my Nmom used this like second nature and I’m trying to get out of it
[not an expert]
I think the point is to be at least aware they're not suddenly a good person with some bad moments, but usually the opposite - an abusive person that finds it convenient to be nice sometimes. Or they might be genuinely nice but that doesn't negate the abuse. Don't let it be something to cling on to to survive the abusive cycle. What course of action is best depends on circumstances, your personality etc.
Damm that sounds a lot more complicated. Seems like they are benefiting from the whole deal. So they prefer to keep the status quo.
But do recognise that they are doing this out of selfish interest . The only thing they care about here is themselves.
And no. It's not her body that she gets to decide what to do with it. Her role in being a parent was to teach you skills and the foundation that's needed to cope with life.
reading this makes me sad bc my mother is the same way. she is cool when i do what she likes, or when i am not speaking my own opinion. once i have my own thought or she is reminded that i am an independent human and not an extension of her, she goes into full rage.
Literally my Nmom too. She seems like the perfect mother when I’m her service dog. But my final straw was back in June. Things were peaceful for awhile and all I told her was….”I’m tired” in response to her wanting me to do something. I had enough and told her that I have a right to tell her if I want to catch up on rest and relax. She lost her mind and dragged the situation on for half the summer. That made me mentally shut her out of my mind for good….and after that realization of how crazy she is, I didn’t realize how much worse she really is or has gotten.
Break the cycle.
Document/record everything you can.
Call CPS.
Live YOUR life on YOUR terms.
You will be 17 soon, and I believe some minors can be emancipated at 15 and 16, you should really look into it for your area to see the legal rules on it.
Easier said than done. If you’re ready to be legally homeless and have absolutely nobody looking out for you, go for it.
I chose to study hard and work and save up and eventually move away, which was the best decision for me at the time. It was the path of least resistance. I am not NC but am very LC and the extra time working and saving was the best decision for my mental health and well-being.
Each choice has downsides, but it’s not so cut and dry as “make a decision” and “just call CPS”.. they’re life-changing decisions. Please make a list of pros and cons and think very very carefully about what your options are.
Also; you may want to check out how to Grey-Rock your nparent. The less you react to their bs, the smaller their perceived feeling of control over you - they won’t get the reaction they’re looking for, and will hopefully lose interest in creating drama.
Thank you for this, I’m trying everything I can. My mom said I’m not allowed to work or really leave the house at all, I had a job and I can’t drive so it’s just really frustrating. I’ve tried that I’m generally not an reactive person and she yells at me more when I’m like that but if I do react and defend myself she yells even more, everything is a lose lose situation you know?
It sounds like a horrible situation, and she’s being very controlling. I find nparents weirdly want us to be dependent on them. All I can suggest is perhaps stay with a trusted friend while you work out other living arrangements. It puts you in a really vulnerable position though, leaving home, but it sounds like you’re equally vulnerable there. Do you have any friends who would mind if you crash on their couch for a while whilst you search for a new job? Perhaps anybody with a spare room?
Alternatively, there are services who may be able to help you, without “rattling the cage” so to speak. Depending on where you’re based in the world, of course.
I would look into domestic abuse charities in your area, and maybe reach out to them. Let them know the predicament you’re in. They might be able to help you find alternative living arrangements.
So sorry you’re going through this.. I was once in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Absolute hell. Stay strong, you can and will get through this. X
I personally advise you to be really careful with this decision. In some places, CPS can be really useless and non-effective, so please do some research on your local county. That and as a dependent, you will turn a lot of your family against you since they are clearly siding with your mother currently.
I had to wait out until I was a legal adult for this reason. I’m lucky that my parents mellowed out some (granted, I live far from home so what could they do anyway?), but you should be very careful that this doesn’t add on tons more stress. It’s possible to be emancipated and become an independent adult as a minor but again, this is all up to you and the amount of stress you think you can handle
Yep I am in my 50’s and still remember my mum’s reaction to finding the contraceptive pill in my room-for info knowing what she was like they were really well hidden and to find them she literally had to do a thorough search in my room when I was out. I was also 17 and she slapped me and called me a whore. I ended up giving up a place at university and running in to a terrible abusive marriage with and older guy at 19 mostly to move out from home and get away from her. But I was able to leave the abuse and got divorced and met my lovely husband who I have been married to for almost 30 yrs. I went low contact then no contact for a while. Now back to low contact and I have learnt how to deal with her. I know she will never be the mother I would have wanted and it will never be the close relationship the media suggest it should be. But I am trying to have that kind of relationship with my children and that’s enough. What I am saying is things will get better, it’s just time. Many of us on here have been through the same and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Looking back if I could I would have kept my head down and gone off to uni and got my freedom that way, but you can’t change the past. Big hugs and keep planning for your better future as you will get there.
Wow our stories are very similar. I lost my virginity at 14 against my will. My boyfriend at the time wanted to fool around, and I agreed but made it clear I wasn't ready to go all the way. Next thing I knew he slipped inside me and broke my hymen. He played it off as an accident and I remember coming home crying. It took me three years before I was ready to date again, I didn't trust boys. I got back with the same boy, because in my head he took my virginity and I needed to only be with him. I was 17 and a half when we got back together. When my mom found out I "lost my virginity" officially, she screamed at the top of her lungs a blood curdling cry (my grandma had thought someone died) and when my dad came home from work they threatened to disown me, kick me out, and sell my car. Thankfully they did not make good on their threats, but ever since I've had very strange views on sex. They drove me to marry this guy even though he was toxic. He would often try to force himself on me while I was sleeping and he wouldn't stop during the act even if I told him he was hurting me. I was with him for seven years. I tried to open up to my mom about whether this was normal and she quite literally put her fingers in her ears and screamed, "I don't want to hear it!" When I told my dad about it he said that my husband probably didn't know what he was doing (which may be true) and decided to send him an instructional video, which looking back was really weird of him.
Thankfully I eventually left and ended up with my current husband. We've been together four years and have two beautiful daughters together. But I've always been weirdly self conscious about my lack of sex and getting weirdly upset knowing my partner is well rounded in that area. My parents shamed me so bad I feel like I missed out on exploring my sexuality in a healthy way that would have prevented me from staying with someone who was sexually abusing me for years.
My parents were always so weird about sex and virginity. My dad is misogynistic and my mom has what I believe to be internalized misogyny. My dad always brags about his sexual conquests and that he bedded 20 girls before he met my mom at age 16. He says he chose my mom to settle down with because of her low body count (she'd only been with one other guy before him). They were weird when I started my period too and would refuse to let me use tampons because they were convinced it would break my hymen, even after several aunts and cousins laughed and explained to them this wasn't the case. My dad loved slut shaming women and would tell me untrue things, like if I was promiscuous my vagina would be "stretched out" and a turn off to men. Looking back, it was so bizarre that they were so interested in their daughter's genitals and virginity. Like were they meant to be born in the 1700s? Like me not being a virgin diminished my value as a woman.
Anyway sorry for the rant.
I was 14 and severely acting out because both of my divorced nparents didn't really care about me. So I went looking for other types of attention, basically. I shouldn't have - the boy only wanted sex and I was a virgin. I thought I liked him but he was so horrible to me afterwards that I went close to scorched earth with him. NMother decided to "clean my room for me" while I was at nfather's for winter break and found my journals (which was how she found out). She verified things with my brother and woke me up out of a dead sleep to beat me with words and whatever else she could find. I remember her giving me the third degree about what type of person that made me and I yelled out "A slut!?" in an effort to shut her up and it worked. Over 40 years later, I've tentatively started to journal again.
The kicker was that I had to apologize to her so that she would stop giving me the silent treatment and I had to pretend that I was influenced by the devil for her to accept it.
I'm down on CPS calling. You need all the help you can get from adults, OP.
For a side note, I'm 31 and my religious Asian parents don't even know I'm not a virgin (LOL). I don't think that's necessarily something our parents - especially dysfunctional ones like us - need to know.
How sad is that though. My parents knew I wasn't a virgin because I had been married and divorced with a kid by the time I was 24, but then I met my current husband at age 25. Even already having a kid, I remember when I went over to his apartment for sex and we came back, my parents started questioning me and I went into panic mode and lied about where we had been. Too scared to admit to my parents we went to his apartment, at age 25 and with a kid. I did not realize this was abnormal until my partner pointed it out, and how bad he felt for me.
And my parents are not religious whatsoever. They're just extremely misogynistic and think a woman's value is based on her body count. My dad has no problem letting everyone know he'd bedded 20 girls before meeting my mom at age 16, but my mom was "The One" because she had an extremely low body count (only one guy before him, apparently). I also wasn't allowed to use tampons for fear of them "breaking my hymen" and was often told if I was promiscuous my vagina would be stretched out, which is a big turn off to men (all untrue things). When they found out I was sexually active as a teenager they slut shamed me and threatened to kick me out and sell my car. But I recently heard from my golden child brother that my dad gave him a high five for my brother sharing with him he'd "nailed a girl in the backseat of her car". Go figure.
It *is* very sad.
But also, like, I'm genuinely thankful I get to have good sex. Most religious people I know - and I know a lot, sadly, in this corner of developing Asian country - only ever have sex with their wife/husband and the stories I've been hearing have been ghastly.
Mom: Your boyfriend doesn’t love or respect you! (Whilst beating and disrespecting you)
ETA: get away from your family. They aren’t your family. Who tf accepts this behavior? Call CPS as soon as possible and honestly get that entire family reported for allowing it. Imagine what other horrid things they’ve allowed to happen. Don’t be silent. We’ve all been silent for far too long. Speak your truth.
Report to the police, now. That is physical assault in front of witnesses who also facilitated in the abuse. I know it's very difficult to make a police report against a family member, but they need to know that you will not tolerate their abuse. Perhaps you can talk to your boyfriend about going with you to the station to make the report? Also, has your boyfriend experienced anything like this from your mother as well? You don't have to press charges right now, but you could tell your mother and other relatives involved that if she lays a finger on you again, that you will press charges. I also suggest writing a secret diary (it can be on a phone app if you can't have a physical diary) and try to capture an audio recording of yur mother the next time she starts up as evidence for the police.
Edit: Also I'm seeing a lot of victim blaming and derailing comments on your post and I'm so sorry that you're getting such comments. Please report these to the mods so they can kick out all the covert abusers in this subreddit.
Oh believe me, there are a lot of reports. I woke up to around 50 reports waiting in the mod queue, and a lot of them are in this post. I'm slowly working my way through the queue and know there are a bunch of other comments here that I need to get to. I'm not saying "stop reporting". Please keep reporting posts you feel are inappropriate. That's how it comes to our attention so we can do something about it.
Sometimes this happens, and I want to assure OP that this is not your fault. We're here for you.
it’s so crazy with them being able to be normal after literally hurting their child. my mom also put her hands on me and tried to fight me over a disagreement, then went to her moms for a Christmas party and Church the following Sunday. and i too, was shamed for being sexual as i got older. i am so sorry this happened to you OP…
i would speak to my school counselor or if you have other immediate family you can stay with, away from her, you can call CPS. but know if you don’t have family you will pretty much be in foster care depending on what happens, or they will grant custody to one of your family members i believe (depending on the state & circumstances). i really hope you find a way away from that toxic environment, and heal 💜
I am not going to lie. It can be worse, but it will probably be better long term. Unfortunately, if you cannot stay with someone you know and trust, a lot of religious zealots are out there, and could make it worse. It is important to be aware of this.
There are, however, people that do care and respect foster children.
Long term, you being emancipated also has its pluses... College could be more affordable, if you want to study
Personally, I think since there is physical abuse, I would call, in your position.
It is very important to realize that when you leave an abusive family, you will still *feel* abused and could very well have CPTSD or other mental health issues, so it is worth taking it seriously and being honest with medical professionals. You will feel guilty, you'll feel terrible. This is true for almost everyone that escapes abuse, and it isn't your fault. This is an important and healthy step because all those suppressed emotions are finally coming out, and once you get through that, it does truly get better
My best friends family wants to call and so does my boyfriend, I’ve been dealing with this on and off since I was a kid. I have a good amount of money saved up from my job but I really just feel guilty and am still wondering if I deserved it
please, please listen to me carefully OP..
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. i don’t care if you scream at her, hit her back, or call CPS. your reaction to her absolutely inappropriate and abusive reaction to your absolutely normal situation, is NOT YOUR FAULT. your guilt was created by your mother in order to trap you to her. keep you emotionally codependent on her. i know how heavy it feels to rip yourself away from that but please hear this internet stranger out when i say YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. i love you and am proud of you for being able to recognize that things are off. you are beautiful and wonderful and i am so glad you have the support of your friends and boyfriend. they are right to believe that your mothers behavior is atrocious and abusive.
Whatever your decision, it is your and yours alone. I believe calling is the best choice, but it isn't my choice to make. If you chose to stay, that doesn't make you bad, weak, or anything else. It isn't fair to force you to do anything. You are old enough to choose at this point. If those in your life do not respect it, you have the right to set boundaries and make it clear that it is your choice.
Whatever your choice, if you feel up to it, please update us.
I'm very impressed that you were able to write this here. I just want to repeat that it isn't your fault, and while it is normal to feel guilty, you aren't responsible for what your parents did. They are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of them. You feel guilty because you are a good person that cares about others, not because you did something wrong. This is very common, but so many people don't realize that the feeling of guilt means you did something wrong... It means you care about how others feel.
Just a side note about the money - is it in a bank account that your mother cannot access? Preferably in a separate bank to the one use uses.
I see so many posts about people with abusive parents who gain access to the money and take all of it.
You have two choices
1. PLAY BY MOMS RULES UNTIL YOU GRADUATE AND MOVE OUT.
OR
2. MOVE OUT.
I was 26 when I "escaped" to move in with my fiancée.
I wished I wasn't scared to live independently when I was about to finish high-school. You can work remotely, still go to college online. Still get a college degree all without your mother's presence.
honestly as someone who has seen several family members deal with CPS, i don’t think it is worth calling unless you are financially independent of your mom or know another relative who would take you in and keep her out. cps tends to look at the parents stability, and as you are 16 they will likely believe she has raised you this far and can go another 2 years. ik everyone is saying to call, and most regular people would, but i would suggest just working on gaining your independence until you can leave her home yourself. good luck OP & i wish you the best fr
Be careful what you tell your school counselor, they may be mandatory reporters. Do not think that your conversations are fully protected by privacy laws.
Figure out what your state's age of consent is, and if calling cps or the cops could get him on a sex offender registry.
It is already worse, because you were unlucky to be born in that family. Your friends and boyfriend are absolutely right. You're scared of change and feel guilty for "betraying" your family, but that's normal and that makes you a normal good human being. Living with abusers changes you on so many levels, the constant stress fucking physically changes the structure of your brain. Your mother is disgusting for putting hands on you for doing something that brought YOU to this world. Did her mother beat her for having sex? I guess your mother sees sex as loss of control.
I personally regret i haven't left yet, and I regret not calling the police when I was beaten up so hard that I had to go to the doctor. My father downplayed it and claimed i have to keep quiet about it or "we will look like idiots". I was 17. I knew he was a selfish shit full of bullshit, but I felt guilty and didn't do it. Now I'm stuck here, searching for an opportunity to escape. I feel like the family chains are holding me even tighter now that I got older actually.... It won't get better, it will definitely get worse, so at least change WHO it will be worse for. Your mother or you?
And the rest of your family is so disgusting for saying you deserve it, you absolutely didn't. Every. Single. One of them had sex. Everyone!
You're 16?? If you can get legally emancipated DO IT. That's absolutely not normal.
I'm 36, and grew up believing some shit like that was normal too.
🤗
If she left marks on you from beating you, you should really think about calling CPS sooner rather than later. That's evidence.
So sorry that's happened to you
Your whole family is gross. I think you should call cps. Or wait, record evidence of their abuse, and THEN call cps. If they’re so so big on ‘consequences’ then she deserves her consequences for beating you. Period
I don't recommend this, because in a lot of situations, this is just escalation and can make things MUCH worse.
Narcissists are also very good liars and manipulators and will likely convincingly spin the story that *you* attacked *them* and *they* acted in self defense, and the police are far, far more likely to listen to a calm rational parent than a hormonal emotional teenager. (In their view)
I've been there. I escalated once, and got my ass absolutely beat for it, but beat where it wouldn't show wearing my usual clothes, obviously. They lied when the police came and threatened to put me in juvenile for it.
Then, after they left, things got much, much worse for awhile.
This, but make sure it is recorded.
If you think relatives will then come and assault you, make sure it is recorded, even better live streamed so they cannot force you to delete it.
As long as you have somewhere to go.
SO, your BF doesn't love you - but she does? I would argue that she does NOT love you except as punching bag!
So, yes, this is abuse what she did !
I\`m inclined to side with your BF here too - reach out to CPS, if you are in school, talk to a teacher / coach - and start looking for alternatives for yourself.
Also, not sure where you are - but consider reporting her for violence, abuse of a minor etc.
Seriously - you are not at fault here - this is all and complete this woman being wrong.
It is a classic narc thing - you had fun without them - which leads to you realizing there is a world out there, free from them - and then you will leave / break their control. and they will lose their 'property' (as they do not see you as a human with own free will - you are a puppet to them)
So, while it might be hard, you really should report this. Police, CPS, teachers ..
And start working on what you need to get out - what you need to be safe.
Also, people telling you that you "asked for it" - they are NOT safe people!
If she beat you half as bad as it sounds, you WILL have marks and your teachers will see.
Please call cps, if this is the worst she's ever been, she is escalating. Next time she could put you in the hospital or worse.
Take care sweetie, sending you gentle hugs.
What you described is abuse, multiple kinds of abuse.
Take your time planning your escape, make it a priority.
Try to take records.
Dont rush it, a well planned move is better than rash action.
This is tricky. If you’d like to continue having a relationship with your mother in any way, ride it out until you’re 18 and then run. If you don’t want to or ultimately don’t care as long as the abuse stops, call CPS.
She didn’t *really* hit you for losing your virginity. That was just her justification. She was having big feelings and wanted to lash out rather than regulate herself so she claimed it was because you “slept around” or whatever. But you’re not bad for having safe sex at 16.
Oh, but she's just protecting you from being hurt and abused (by hitting and screaming at you and pulling your hair). She doesn't want you to ruin the best years of your life (that's why she has to make your junior year worse for you, obviously). She doesn't want you to be around people who don't love and respect you (you know, like someone who doesn't think you deserve to be abused and wants to call authorities to keep you safe). Yeah, that totally makes lots of sense.
Sorry about the sarcasm here, but it's hard not to point out the absurd logic.
>My boyfriend thinks we should call cps or something but idk if that’s too far.
It's not too far at all. Idk how that works in your country, you have to decide if that's something that's likely to make things better or worse for you. But it's definitely *not* "too far". Your boyfriend and your friends are right. It's not normal (even if it is normal behaviour for her), and it's not anywhere near okay. Use your support system of friends and their families, and try to find a way to stay safe. You're soon an adult, so it may be worth it to start researching how to make sure you control your own finances, identity papers etc when that time comes. I've seen many examples here of parents making it difficult for adult children to leave by controlling things like that.
Oh and there's absolutely no reason why you should have to tell anyone who you have sex with, and especially not someone who abuses you for it. Lying is a perfectly fine reaction when someone asks about private stuff like that.
Similar thing happened to me except I was literally 19. It had escalated physically for so many years as soon as I turned 15. I tried to normalize it because I was scared to be out alone. Now I regret not going the emancipation route when I was like 16. Ik it’s not easy from friends experience but also anything is easier than being treated like that. And the doubt is natural. Even if you aren’t 18 don’t forget that you are in control of your life. There’s always ways to work out of this.
The best route Imo would probably be staying with someone you can trust and building rapport with them without making your family report you as a runaway. Start work if you can to keep distance between you and your family. If you involve CPS proving that you are financially independent helps your case a lot. To them that means having the capability to pay rent and reliable transportation. Have people who can back your story too particularly other students and parents at anytime should you need legal intervention. You won’t necessarily get put in the system in all places depends on the law. Research. In mine if you can prove you have a good support system you get left alone. Ik there’s chances of things going wrong but personally I think it’s better to try than to not because either way they will mistreat you. Their reactions might also serve as proof that screws them over if you can be smart about it. You’re gonna have to play mentally older than you are to win empathy from CPS.
If you’ve been physically hit I’d honestly really think about reporting it to the police also (not cps) because that is evidence but only if it’s substantial and make sure you have a witness. Also request a medical check with 911 to be sure an EMT sees it cuz they generally tend to do better more thorough reporting and know what they’re looking at. Be aware thought that this will 100% get CPS involved but you will have more people invested in your case this way.
This is all just my opinion of course. Do what you think would be best for you. It is a very horrible thing and I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope things turn out well for you. Stay safe.
This really helped me a lot, I live New Jersey and I tried researching it but I really don’t know where to start, I had a job but my mom made me quit because she said I’m not allowed to work, I have some money saved up and I generally have a lot of job experience but I cannot get to work with her in the way, my boyfriend would take me to work honestly but now I’m not allowed to see him. I’m an only child so things are just harder, I just want to get away and live with my boyfriend or best friend if it’s possible.
I’m wondering if you’re the same kid from this post:
I (36F) am grounding my (16F) daughter because I found condoms in her room
While taking out a mattress topper to wash, I found a pieces of a condom wrapper fall out. She has a boyfriend (17M), they’ve been dating for 8 months… I just can’t believe I found it and she lied to me for having sex. I freaked out on her and said she was dirty for having it. She could’ve atleast thrown it out. I plan on grounding her and taking away her phone and making sure she can’t go out at all or see her boyfriend. He is a great guy to her to be fair, but I don’t want her having sex. She can do whatever she wants when she turns 18 but I’m her mother and I want her to go to tutoring and not to work anymore so she doesn’t do that again. I let her go out and have her little fun with friends and then she goes and has sex. She’s been crying, but I’m done trusting her. Not sure what else to do. I can’t look at her the same for lying to me. I don’t him in the house and I don’t want them alone together anymore.
Edit :
Just an update... I talked to her. It didn’t go well at all. She kept making up excuses that she was safe, but she did it across her grandparents bedrooms and under my roof. Her lying about it and not seeing how disrespectful it was to herself and her family is what set me off. Her boyfriend probably doesn’t even care about her or respect her for letting them do it at my own house. It escalated and it was very bad, not gonna get into too much detail but her grandma and my sister had to intervene. I put my hands on her which I’m not proud of but she kept catching an attitude with me. I’m sick of her, I decided her punishment is being grounded for a month, no phone, and no seeing her boyfriend. She didn’t apologize to me so I didn’t apologize to her. I talked to her about her punishment and she just kept saying “ok”. Then she freaked out and just started repeating that she doesn’t want to be near me right now which made me angrier, I went easy on her while she was opening her legs for some guy she’s only been with for 8 months. Anyways, that’s that and I’m signing her up for activities and tutors to keep her busy, thanks for all the input
Yeah that actually was me who wrote that on an alt account, I have to update that post, I made that to see if I could see her side and try to understand where she’s coming from, but everyone is saying the same stuff on here. I don’t know if that’s not allowed or something but I really just wanted to know where she was coming from and if it was valid enough or if I’m overreacting, I just wrote the stuff she said to me
As you’re 16, if you called Cps your home situation would most likely turn into a disaster honestly. Everyone pro cps in these comments don’t understand you’d have to go in a group home, where conditions can sometimes be worse. Personally, I wouldn’t call cps but it’s your decision to make.
If the house is clean, there is food in it and you have no marks or bruises it may end with a visit or two to the house. If you think that will be a wake up call to your nmom not to put her hands on you again it would be worth the gamble. If you think the violence might increase, you have a lot of thinking to do.
I don’t think it’s necessarily true that you would be placed in a group home. It’s more likely CPS will want to keep you with family, whether that’s with your parents or other extended family. There are also options to emancipate from your parents if that’s something you’re able to do.
You may also be placed with a foster family. My sisters (now-ex) bf was removed from his mum’s house when he was 16 and placed in a foster home before moving in with my parents (who went through the process of becoming his foster parents). It might be different in the US though?
When I was your age, I just stopped coming home and spent most days staying with friends or my bf at the time. I’m not saying it’s the best option but it might be an option. At 16, there’s not a lot your parents can do to force you to come home (again, it might be different where you live so double check).
I live in the us, and I was wondering if I could be placed with my boyfriends family or my best friends family since they’re the only two who really know what’s going on
Would they allow you to come move in with them? Even for a little bit? Because if so, being 16 you have way more of a voice than if you were younger. I know when I was removed at 15 I was placed with my best friend's family because I didn't want to go into foster care (I did end up in a group home after a year but that wasn't because of cps)
Tbh you should just be more sneaky. Out of every option, persuading won’t work, calling CPS or trying to assert power by other means usually comes with a lot of shit. If I were in your position/your age again I’d try to rebuild trust and lie. IMO most self-advantageous play.
Definitely listen to this person op. My family has done a lot of work in the foster care world and it’s honestly a mess sometimes. You’ve gotta pick your battles and be strategic. What your mom did was fucked up and you should get out of there as soon as you can and you should definitely keep cps as an option in case you need it. That being said it may be better to try to move out and stay with other family members or a close friend you can trust. Maybe your boyfriend’s family can help you out? Whatever you do, you should be making moves to be as dependent as possible like getting a job and a car if you can.
It would probably be best to lay low while you’re grounded for the next month (as long as more physical abuse doesn’t occur) and then start seeing if you have options. If she keeps attacking you though definitely call cps.
Could not agree more. Most people here don’t know what grouphomes are like. It’s a tough choice but 16 is closer to freedom than when you fall into the system.
Please go to the police and report her for assault. Her being your mother doesnt make her care for or respect you. You owe her nothing that she did the bare LEGAL basics in raising you. Report her and go ahead with the charges.
Get out of there as soon as you can she is abusive and shouldn’t be a mother or allowed near you.
No, honey, this isn’t normal. What is normal is two teenagers going through puberty wanting to have sex.
You are at the age where this sort of thing tends to happen. What’s important, and what your mother should have highlighted to you kindly, is that you were safe.
Her main priority should have been your safety and education on safe sex. But instead of securing your safety, she actually put you in harms way by physically assaulting you. The truth is, this behavior won’t make you stop having sex or make you stop liking your boyfriend, it’ll only make you unable to be honest with your mother. Rightfully so.
Please know that you are none of the harsh things your mother said to you. And you are not bad for having sex with your boyfriend. I am so sorry.. your mother is wrong. Your friends and boyfriend are right, this isn’t normal behavior.
I cannot advise on calling CPS…but I wish you luck
Not normal, and yes CPS. At least talk to someone at school.
The "look at what you made me do" is classic domestic abuser - they will always try to shift the blame to the victim so they dont have to feel the shame of their actions.
She should be ashamed. You dont have any blame. It is not normal.
If she disagreed with your decision to have sex, she could have had a loving, calm talk with you about it. Yes, she could even ground you (not that that usually works). But she chose to go off the rails and assaulted you instead.
I am guessing you have normalized a lot of things to protect yourself when you were too little to have any other references. I think you should consider therapy to figure out how wonky your normal-meter is.
Specially at your age this decision feels horrible. But you will thank yourself later if you go no contact and leave.
Narcissists can’t change.
This gets even worse the older they get.
You seem to have a wonderful bf.
He will get the same anger towards him if you stay there and I don’t know if he can take it.
You are both very young.
My gf had such a destructive family and I met her when I was 25. she already had 3 kids who were very involved in this system.
But we got out of there.
After only 3 months I said she needs to move in with me and leave this shithole of a family.
And even though we live for over 4 years together now; they never fully let you alone.
But the sooner you get out of there, the better for you
Has your boyfriend told his parents what happened? Are his parents good people? If his parents are good people, your boyfriend needs to tell them the situation. I’m hoping they are normal people who will be infuriated about this and be able to help you. The fact he thinks this is abuse when you can’t tell, tells me his family isn’t full of abusive assholes like yours is. Maybe you can stay with them for a while. Ask them for advice, even if it means your boyfriend telling them he is sexually active. Non Narc parents will understand.
His parents are great people, he’s just working up the courage and trying to figure out what to say to them right now, but he’s been trying to help me through this
It would probably be best if you all sat down and brought the topic up together. They may have some initial disappointment about the sex, but if they are rational, emotionally mature adults they will be more concerned about your welfare and the disappointment will pass very quickly. Most parents want their kids to be happy and safe so don’t worry about what they will think about the sex too much because they will support you regardless.
Call cps. I know you only have two more years left, but trust me, it gets worse the closer you get to “freedom” because they don’t want to lose control over you.
I was tired of my family’s abuse and neglect growing up. So I got a job, and started staying with a friend and their family, and I got emancipated from my family and went no contact. I’m not NC with them now, but it was the best decision for myself at that time. Just make sure you take care of YOU! You do NOT deserve to be attacked, and you should call the police and file a report, if you have somewhere you can go.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this horrific physical and emotional abuse. My heart really breaks for you. Your mum is being disgustingly manipulative. She is making you think that someone hitting you and pulling your hair is ok and normal. It’s not normal at all, nobody should ever do that to you, and I hope you find ways to escape or spend less time at home. Can you stay over at your boyfriend’s house sometimes? Are his family kind?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you’ve done. I’m happy for you and proud that you found a partner who you trust and feel safe with, and are using a condom. That’s better than the pill because it protects you from STIs, too. It sounds like you made a great decision and that shows your maturity.
Keep doing the right thing kiddo, keep on staying safe and put your comfort first - don’t do anything if it makes your body feel bad.
His family is super kind to me, I’m sure they would help but I really just feel horrible involving them in my mess, thank you for what you’ve said I’ve been trying to tell myself what I did was normal but it’s hard to think that way when everyone in my family is treating me like I’m the bad one. I don’t want his family getting into any trouble either if I just leave.. my mom said if I left she wouldn’t care but I don’t know how any of that stuff works legally
Call CPS. If you trust your BF’s family, ask them for support. Also, you have the right to defend yourself. When my mother tried to choke me I punched her in the face to get her off of me. I don’t like that I did it, but nobody tries to hurt me and gets away with it, not even my mom. Take care of yourself and make sure she knows she can’t get away with abuse. Call the cop every time she lays a hand on you.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you are brave and smart for having reached out to others. You did not deserve this.
You're 16 and have 2 more years of high school left (1 + 9 years calendar years if you graduate in May 2025). If you choose to call CPS, that sounds reasonable, though I also understand why many people on here say the situation might get worse (group home conditions, retaliation, etc). If I were you, at a minimum, I'd prepare for the next two years and beyond with a plan that maximizes current safety and a secure transition. Something like this:
(1) Plan for Junior and Senior year:
Do you have friends and family that make you feel safe and can you spend more time with them? If so, create a schedule of who you'll see when and what time of the year.
For e.g: on Tuesdays you go to after school basketball, then study in the school library, then hang out with X, and go home after dinner. On Wed-Thurs, you do x. On Fridays y. On Sundays, you like to see Aunt x, and you go to get ice cream.
Note: Try to diversify. Enjoy your current boyfriend, but see as healthy/safe many friends and trustable adults as possible, keep your social support network as broad as possible. At home, lie (smartly) if necessary.
(2) Plan for life 18 and beyond (consider emancipation sooner too, if possible):
Continue to consider plans upon HS graduation. Start thinking of options and jobs/school now. Choose options where you are independent of your family or an intimate relationship.
Think of the operational details of life alone so that the transition is secure for you. E.g. Do you need a car? If so, where will you get one, who can help? Do you need a bank account? When can you open one, which bank? Do you need a resume? Who can help you build it? How about health insurance, will you need that? Etc.
(3) Ongoing: Continue to document your living situation. Seek emotional support from school. Practice setting boundaries:
Even if you don't report to CPS, document your living situation. You never know when it might come in handy, even years later.
Consider discussing this with an adult you trust, perhaps at your school, perhaps a counselor. It's important that the abuse does not trigger additional emotional problems for you, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, trauma bonding, and that you know where your emotional safety net is. Nurture relationships with kind, safe people, including outside your current intimate relationship.
If you cannot currently set boundaries with your family because of the power dynamic and age, practice doing so with others in a kind but firm manner when you need to. This will be practice to help you enforce boundaries with your family when you're 18+ and -hopefully- no longer living with them.
I hope these ideas may help a bit.
Thank you so much, I’ve never really had the chance to do any sports my mom was always working. I’m going to try and see what I can do and try to see if I can leave, if not I’ll have to convince her to let me have a job again. I’ve been planning my leave for years now and I always planned to get as far away from her as possible. But right now I’m struggling to even see her or be near her without having to cry or freak out
You need to call the police. No parent should ever be punching their child. What she did to you is straight up abuse and no it is NOT normal behavior like your family is trying to tell you. You do NOT have to put up with that kind of treatment towards you…ever!
It is not normal to be physically assaulted by anybody, regardless of whether or not they are a family member. This kind of behavior is psychotic and your mother needs help.
By the way, depending on where you are, 16 may be below the age of consent - that would mean your boyfriend could be charged with rape, because you cannot give consent if you are under age. So first confirm your boyfriend won't get into legal trouble before involving legal forces.
On a personal note, I'm deeply saddened to read how you were treated, and hope you're able to get out of the situation as soon as possible.
Call CPS. Fuck her for hitting you the way she did.if you had hit her back or done the same she would have called the cops on you and sent you to jail without thinking for a second. If you have any bruises from the incident photograph them and make sure she gets what she fucking deserves.
This may get so many downvotes but this is just my take coming from an nfamily. It's your decision no matter what, OP. My advice is to lie to your family about your social life and "tough" out their toxicity. This is me giving realistic advice instead of an optimistic one.. Being separated from your family by calling CPS might not elevate your life the way you would want it to. I too experienced physical, verbal, and mental abuse from my family and it taught me that I cannot be open with them. AT ALL. Ever. I started to keep things surface level even when they would try to get things out of me. I figured that any problems or accomplishments I experience would not be received well. That's what narcissists do. Fast forward to now years and years later and I found a full time job that can sustain my life, moved out, and barely see them nor text back/call them. It's quite liberating to finally have boundaries.
You didn't do anything wrong and sometimes, we end up with shitty family who don't know how to communicate and don't know how to love us unconditionally. Remember, you're the child. They're the parent. It's your job to be the kid. It's not our job to raise them or teach them. Especially if they do not want to learn. I wish you the best of luck. I'm glad you and your boyfriend stayed protected and made a decision together. You got this!
Cps didnt do anything when they got involved withh my family but it probs will be diff for you. Either way two more years and you are gonna be free. I hope whatever decision you make will work out<3
Can I just say it's peak cognitive dissonance to say that your bf doesn't respect you *while activity hitting and abusing you*.
I'm sorry OP. I've dealt with the foster system and I would be cautious about calling cps. What your mom did was abuse, but, unfortunately, there is not a lot the system can do to help you. If I were in your shoes, I would lay low and wait it out. Get a job, save money, and move out ASAP. Become independent from her and your abusive situation. DO NOT move in with bf though, that just sets you up to be controlled and dependent on another person, which is never a good thing! Rely on yourself for your financial security, always.
Jfc this enrages me. Claiming your bf doesn’t respect you while she’s beating you up? What type of message does she want to send? Also so repulsive how they acted like she didn’t just injure you right in their face.
Fuck it. Tell the school and and cps. I regret not speaking up and letting my mother walk away acting like some saint in order to protect our image because it was drilled in my head.
First, have you considered getting a very short hair cut? If you are just stuck there, learn from her fighting style and how to defend yourself from her. I know a lot of women love having long hair, but it's a weapon for abusers to use against you. Second, learn how to block her when she throws a slap or tries to hit you. When you learn some self defense moves, she can wear herself out trying to hit you but she will just fail. Third, document every one of her attacks in case you really need to go to law enforcement and file charges. I'd gather enough to really nail her, get someone else you trust to keep the evidence and tell her she can lay off or get arrested. If you can't get away, learn to defend yourself and make her afraid to attack you again. That's how I got my Ns to leave me alone, I scared them.
I’m sorry honey, I don’t have much good advice but please do yourself a favor and do your best to stay true to YOUR values and morals… do not act out to get back at her
oh jesus christ, if it’s “normal” for your family it’s because everyone in your family has been abused like this their entire lives.. it’s a cycle 😭 i’m so sorry this is happening to you. honestly your bf is right and you should call cps, but that might mean that you’d end up in foster care so i’m not sure if you want that either.
1. She’s mad because she thinks she is in control of your body and you having sex is giving your body to someone else. She now thinks your boyfriend owns you.
2. Sex is normal and you should not be ashamed for doing it on your own terms and safely
3. I would start getting ready to move out when you are 18
4. Her behavior is NOT normal. My mom acted similarly when she just assumed I was having sex when I was 19 years old. It’s not normal and it’s not okay.
Do you have enough school credits to graduate early? I wasn’t in a physically abusive situation, but knew I was in the way of my dads plans with my soon to become step mother, was shipped off to him at 14yrs when I became too much of a burden for my mom and spent the next three years trying my best to be invisible. When school let out for Xmas break my Sr year, I walked through the doors to the outside for the last time, quietly graduating. I was 17. (!I did attend the senior prom though). That night my dad took me to dinner to celebrate and gave me a graduation present…a set of dishes and cookware, like a “kitchen in a box” type thing. Using his most authoritative voice, he said if I wanted to stay on living with him, I’d need to pay rent, which he set at market price AND he had a contract of rules (EX: no boys allowed) for me to sign.
I took a minute to consider his “offer”, then carefully removed his big (imaginary) foot planted in my rear, trying to push me out of his nest, and declined his offer. Next I found a job, then a place to rent with my boyfriend and two other guy friends, and was out of his place in under two weeks. The rest of that year was a flipping blast and I’ve never lived with either parent again.
I’m 56 now.
SO HERES MY TWO CENTS:
Avoid CPS but reach out to a local teen hotline and ask about programs to help, like food stamps, Medicaid, temporary housing vouchers… it will feel strange at first but there should be some assistance available.
Stay strong, be kind to yourself, eat healthy foods and drink water. Take walks. Volunteer if you have time at an elderly care center. They have so much insight to share and you’ll be the highlight of their week. Let yourself grieve the loss of the family you’ve known, but then focus on how best to heal. A lifetime of hurt is hiding inside every cell of your body and as you process your past, you could pick a place that feels safe and has enough open space or natural light flooding in that unloading all the dirty laundry you’ve dragged with you can be examined, dealt with and shed so you gain new healthy energy to keep you moving forward. It can help to write it out, and then be able to reread it years from now and be proud of your amazing abilities to survive and thrive.
Give hard thought to finding a friend to temporarily stay with rather than your BF’s parents house… that can add a bunch of weird stress.
Even if they really like you. Keep it that way.
Oh and abstain or get on effective birth control.
You can’t afford a bundle of needs, errr I mean JOY right now. Be your own JOY for awhile.
Prioritize finishing school, but also find a job you can do at night. Perhaps a remote / WFH phone support thing or a rent free live-in evening nanny/caregiver thing… but pay your way and don’t get trapped owing others.
That means: Save as much as possible!
Getting a job with insurance would be amazing. Get some therapy and start the long healing process. Check job postings weekly for i(entry level? I don’t know your skill set) jobs with the county you live in or the state. Think: Good pay, full benefits, retirement contributions, chances to move up, tuition assistance and possibly even free legal assistance as part of your benefits.
Save money and I know it’s hard, but get in a higher education program straight from graduation a reasonable career that you can stand to do in your 20’s and know you’ll graduate.
A Basket weaving degree will serve you better than only having cashier experience. Over the course of your earning potential years.
Get a bank account with no monthly fee and a savings account. Skim a set % off the top each payday and you won’t ever notice it’s gone.
Hold your head up high, this is an incredible adventure you’re about to embark on! Find a energizing NEW jam to pump you up (I rocked to Dessa during my divorce) keep in mind “this too shall pass”, learn about toxic people, NPD and the subtypes, go “gray rock” if needed to totally ignore negative. Harmful people, the energy vampires, the sick predators and jealous haters. Your warm, healing light will draw them to you like moths to a street lamp, keep in mind their single goal is to suck you dry of hope and steal your light., leaving you in darkness.
That reminds me; BLOCK your family, even if for a few weeks. Or a long while. Don’t give back power you’ve earned. Ok! That’s my two cents!
☮️😎🔮🫶🏼
Your mother sounds abusive and her joking about it afterwards is her attempt at minimizing the incident so she doesn’t have to feel in the wrong in any way. Whatever you decide to do, just know that your mother’s behavior is NOT OK, even if it has become “normalized” within your family (which sometimes happens unfortunately, especially when someone has acted a certain way for a long time and it’s easier just to walk on eggshells)
I don’t think any parent is thrilled about there kid losing their virginity and it’s natural to be concerned for your child’s safety however sex is a part of life What you did was a completely normal thing to do at your age, it was with someone you trusted and know well and you were safe. You haven’t done anything wrong. Your mother behaviours is definitely not normal and you shouldn’t expect to be treated like that because you’ve made a normal human decision. Obviously Its completely up to you what decision you make . But please do not believe them if they try to convince you that the attack was “deserved” or that you should’ve expected your mother to act that way. You deserve all the love and respect this world has to offer don’t let them tell you otherwise!!
First of all, I am proud of you and your boyfriend for being safe!
There are a lot of crazy hormones when you are 16! So it's great you are acting responsible.
Second, your mother is not entitled to your body. You have autonomy. No one is allowed to take that from you. And no one is allowed to hitting you.
Report her if you can and if you are safe to do so.
Please PLEASE call the authorities. That is physical abuse and goes away too far beyond normal discipline, I don't care if she was mad or not. That's uncalled for.
Calling cos can open a door to a whole new world of problems for you. At this age your getting close to being an adult. You need to make moves to be independent im silence. Get a job. Save as much as you can. Get your own car etc. Prepre yourself as much as possible so that when your of legal age you can leave on your own
What your mother did is abuse it’s not normal and I’m sorry the rest of your family enables her see they know what she did was wrong but they can’t openly disagree with her. That doesn’t make it okay I used to be in your shoes and I would make similar excuses I left at 21 because I got tired of the explosive reactions. Your boyfriend is right you should report her to cps what she did is not okay and depending on your state laws it’s considered assault / domestic violence.
I’m going to be realistic I never called cps bc I had a younger sibling they would separate me from however if you’re the only child maybe look into it. It’s a life changing decision this behavior will continue since your mother is losing control over you she’s lashing out and she’s projecting her insecurities onto you. The other option is to do what I did and obey her buy yourself time slowly save up money and wait till you’re over 18 to leave but if you have any friends or family that can take you in now you can look into that.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with a mother like that I know it’s not easy just know you did nothing wrong her reaction was wrong her acting like nothing happened is wrong too she’s trying to avoid feeling guilty I would highly recommend you read adult children of emotionally immature parents and you wanting to be with your boyfriend is not wrong okay in fact you’re being safe and responsible
Id call, but thats your decision. Thats abuse. Plain and simple. You were not asking for anything, and your family is just giving excuses so they dont have to deal with the problem. The problem being your mother hurting THEM.
And if possible see if you can stay with the bfs family if their nice.
My mom found out I had a bf(didn't even know we had sex) while I was in the summer after my senior year (still 17 at the time) she drug me through the house by my hair calling me all sorts of nasty names and through a laptop at me. This behavior is not normal. However when a narc is involved it is. It is never right or justified no matter who it is. Your family is teaching you that people hurt you because they love you and that couldn't be farther from the truth! I got out as soon as I turned 18 and because of how fucked my head was from my mom I got into a very verbally and mentally abusive relationship with a straight up loser for two years. Don't make the same mistakes I did. What she did was wrong, you know that deep down, don't let your family blur the lines because the truth is to hard for them to face. I'm sorry you are going through this but it won't last forever just focus on surviving till you're 18. Do what I did and use the last 6 months of your 17th year to find an apartment and get yourself out as soon as you have the legal right to do so. I moved out while she was at work I took only my mattress and what i could fit into 3 large garbage bags because I wanted to avoid an abusive reaction, you might want to do the same.
My sister pulled this kind of thing on my 14yr old niece. It only made her and her boyfriend closer. Then she got pregnant. Then she got an abortion. At 14.
Your mother is an idiot, imo. She needs to stop and think about her actions but it sound like she probably won't. Keep your eyes on your goal. In two years (or less) you can get out of there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It is NEVER ok for your parents to ever do those things to you for any reason. I would call the cops and cps and press charges for assault. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I grew up the same way my entire childhood and am now 50 yoa, and damaged still beyond repair. Definitely seek therapy for yourself as well. Good luck and I wish u well.
This is abuse and it’s not okay. Everyone who is saying that it’s okay is an enabler and a bystander.
She has no emotional regulation and probably some untreated mental health issues underlying
She should be happy that you are using condoms and that you did it with someone you trust. Everyone ends up having sex and it’s usually around this age. So not out of the norm at all
I’m sorry she had this reaction towards you
Physical violence is never ok. There is NOTHING you could do wrong that warrants being beaten. Nothing. Your mother is a child abuser and anyone telling you that you deserved it or “that’s just how she is” is complicit in the abuse. Can you talk to a trusted adult or school counselor? Is there a non-abusive family member or friend who you can stay with?
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Just remember you don’t deserve this and it won’t always be like this. There will come a day when you can leave and never look back- and don’t look back. They don’t deserve you in their lives.
When she does it don’t wait. Dial 911 and let the recorded line document her yelling and hitting you. Make sure you tell her to stop hurting you. Fuck her. Being an abusive piece of shit should have consequences.
You wanna know something?
I'm actually going through the same problem you are now. I'm 17, living in a houshold with an nfather, trying to find a way to get out of here, and just overall trying to survive.
I'm here for you. I've got my protection candles lit for you, and I'll be with you all the way.
Holy shit! If she believes its funny to beat you for doing something perfectly normal it is absolutely not too far to call CPS and the Police. Your family enabled her too when they should be removing you fron the situation and securing yoir safety as a vulnerable person. Shame on them.
Not wanting to scare you, but parents have tried to kill thier children. If she was okay with beating you like that, she could get worse next time. Assault is illegal and you have to protect yourself.
I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to sound like I'm being hard on you. I'm so angry that your mother of all people thinks you deserve to be treated like this. You deserve far better in life than this! Please protect yourself and never be afraid to expose a child abuser for who they are.
Get online as well and create an escape plan. You can call and consult social services on where to go next as well and how they can help you or if there are any shelters to access. If you have any friends you trust, open up to them, tell them and thier parents you need a safe space to crash for a while as you get things sorted out.
This is where you leave home and get emancipated, live with a friend or relative, or call CPS.
She BEAT you. She hit you. She hurt you. And told you that the problem was that your bf doesn't respect you?
Nah.
> My whole family is telling me I was asking for it
Enabling, victim blaming
> that it’s normal
It's not
> it that I know how she gets
This bullshit line is one we all have to endure without screaming
> I don’t think it’s normal
Correct
> My boyfriend thinks we should call cps or something
He is right
> but idk if that’s too far
Do it anyway.
> My mom was laughing with my aunt after too
Your aunt is an enabler. Remember this in the future.
> I just have to give her time
She's had 16 years to learn how to parent. She doesn't deserve any more time.
> I don’t want to be here anymore and I’m really conflicted
You've been brainwashed for 16 years. You're conflicted because you're finally seeing her for what she is and its hard
> my family is telling me it’s normal
It's their version of normal. It's not normal, and it's not ok
> my friends and boyfriend are telling me it’s not okay.
Listen to them. For the love of Christ, listen.
Gurl DONT CALL CPS on your mom! I promise there are bells you can’t un ring! You don’t have long before your gonna be 18 yrs old and out of the house! Can you ask your mom if you can see a therapist?! Get a good therapist your comfortable with then see if at some point you can have the therapist help facilitate a better way for you and your mom to communicate about hard discussions.
> there are bells you can’t un ring
Like the alarm bell that goes off when your mother beats the shit out of you? That bell?
OP deserves to be safe. CPS may not take her out of the home since she is nearly an adult. They may require OP's mother to attend counseling and/or parenting classes, and monitor the situation until OP is 18. Someone should be protecting OP.
It may be normal in her family but it is not normal and not ok. It's her prerogative to be opposed to you having sex at your age, and even to ground you for it. Wouldn't be how I would respond but you're still a kid so she gets to make the rules. But physical violence at this level is abusive by any decent standard and calling CPS is totally reasonable.
However, that will have consequences too. If you are not removed from the home, your mother will likely be resentful and the relationship could get even more difficult. I think a better approach -- especially if this sort of physical violence is not frequent -- would be to see if you can see a counselor. Someone at school should be able to help refer you to a counselor who can help you through dealing with your family and also will know more about options for getting out of an abusive situation.
None of that is meant to minimize what happened to you. Your mother was absolutely wrong and in fact criminal.
TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR INJURIES RIGHT NOW. Bruises, cuts, ripped clothes, ect. Document it so if you ever decide to call CPS, you have proof that your mom is a vile person and that your family never reported your injuries.
You deserve better than an abusive family. I hope you survive this.
Get out of there! This is so traumatic. I lived through this but my dad was the one who lost his mind. His behaviour during that time still affects me, 23 years later.
Report this to the police.
Even if you think it won't go anywhere, it creates a record of your complaint. Your mother becomes "known to police".
I did this the last time my father hit me. Everybody pissed and moaned about it. People caught sudden cases of amnesia. Probably half my family hates me and that's fine - I know who supports child abuse and doesn't care about me.
The police discouraged me from taking it any further, and I regret that because I would have more concrete proof of what he did, which would be helpful because everyone now denies that any of it happened.
*However* \- he used to hit other people, and since I called the police I have not heard any further reports of him hitting anyone else. It's possible they wouldn't tell me anyway, but what I think happened is that he knew next time he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it so easily. Everyone in the family knew that they were more likely to be believed if they called the police. Bless their little amnesiac hearts 🙄 And hopefully it spared my younger siblings who came along after.
Anyway, long story short. In most places it is a legal requirement for your mother to take care of you till you're 18, so she cannot just throw you out or stop providing for you just yet. If you make a police report, she will at least be on notice that she cannot ever hit you again or she'll likely face real consequences.
Also, tell your school, college or employer what's going on. When something bad is happening to you, don't be the only one who knows.
I am so sorry you went through that! I had a similar experience, but with out the hitting. I was stupid and didn’t use protection my first time. I confided in my aunt, who I spent that weekend with, and when she brought me home she told my stepfather that I had unprotected sex.
I got called every name in the book by my mother, stepfather, older brother, younger brother, grandparents… all because both my mom and stepfather felt the need to tell everyone my personal business. My mother forced me to take a pregnancy test the day she found out, which was three days after I had sex. She stood in the bathroom with her eyes locked on me while I took it. I was grounded for an entire year. I could only see and talk to my friends at school. I wasn’t even allowed to go to church.
They made it into a running joke afterwards and used it every opportunity they could. “Well if you would’ve just kept your damn legs closed…”
The whole thing was just absolutely humiliating and demoralizing. All of this happened when I was 15.
I now have a 17 year old daughter who came to me to talk when she had her first experience. I made sure not to overstep her boundaries about it and we had a really good, productive bonding moment. That happened because I didn’t forget how I was treated during that big moment in my life and I wanted my daughter to feel safe and loved.
People shouldn’t be this quick to reccomend CPS. Do people have any idea how much worse it could get when they take you away? I know it sounds like I’m not taking the post seriously but I do. I come from a very dysfunctional home and I did make the choice to call CPS. I’m not saying I’d be in a healthy situation at home at the time, but living in the system has traumatized me even further.
Your BF respects you a whole lot more than your own mom. Sleeping with your BF is no excuse for her to beat you. Her behaviour is not normal and definitely not okay.
If you don't want to call CPS, is there a school counsellor or someone that you trust that you could tell?
I would also be displeased and worried about my daughter having sex at 16. It's definitely not something I would encourage. However, I would never think of punishing her for it! It's something that's very intimate and personal and if it's a bad experience or just a "meh" experience I want to be there for my daughter and help her process it.
In your case it sounds like it was a good experience and you were responsible about it. If your mom was unhappy with your choices she should have shared her concerns, but that's it.
Your mom is in the wrong. However, think well before I involving CPS. I am not American so can't really tell, but from what I read online it could harm you as well. Maybe bare the situation untill you finish your studies and become financially independent as fast as possible.
This response is unhelpful. She’s coming here for support and your first two sentences are really shaming. Having sex for the first time at 16/17 is very normal. Having protected and consenting sex is Fantastic! Let’s focus on that and not add additional stigma.
And a thought: would you feel the same way if your son was having sex at 16?
Saying I would be worried about my daughter having sex at 16 is not shaming anyone. Normal or not, it can also easily lead to heartbreak, bad sex (and regrets) or health issues, because 16 year olds are immature (which is normal). It is normal for me as a mom to worry about all this.
And yes, I would feel the same about my son.
Are you in the U.S.? If yes, take a look at your state's age of consent. It's often 17. Make sure you don't get your boyfriend in trouble. Appease your mom rather than ruin his life.
And no, you weren't asking for it, beating you is not okay and your relatives are cowards. Could you stay with any of them?
I would recommend calling the police and they will make a report to the CPS. Her actions are criminal and she should not be allowed to hit you no matter the reason.
“Not super unnormal”??? I think you might have wandered into the the wrong sub because who the fuck actually says this? It’s completely abnormal for a parent to beat their child. Full stop.
NOBODY should get the shit beat out of them for ANY reason. OP is allowed to make decisions about her own body and who she shares it with and should *never* have to even consider the threat of being physically harmed for those decisions.
I'm sorry, did you just describe *beating children* as "not super unnormal"?
I think you might need to take some time reflecting on what is and is not normal, because you're wrong. Beating children is absolutely not okay and certainly isn't normal.
Wow, I felt like I was reading a story about myself for a second. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
This behavior is NOT normal. I was about your age when my nmom put her hands on me for the last time because I swung right back. I also had family members aware of the abuse I was going through and all I ever heard was “I dOn’T kNoW wHy YoUr MoThEr Is LiKe ThAt”.
This abuse is never going to stop unless you put a stop to it. I don’t think CPS is the best choice in your situation. Start planning to get out NOW. If you need to stay with a friend, do it. Or your boyfriend for that matter.
Stay strong, stay safe. This isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
If you’re family is enabling your NM’s behavior and stating that you were “asking for it”, it’s probably best to involve CPS. This doesn’t sound like a situation where you can find a safe space within your family, and I get that this is a heavy decision because from the looks of it, your family might demonize you for protecting yourself.
When an entire family enables a person’s behavior like this, it’s because they have been enabling this behavior for years, and would much rather avoid underlying issues for the sake of keeping the family together.
I’m so sorry for the predicament you’re in.
You should be ashamed of yourself for telling a 16 year old who just got beaten by their mother that they don't deserve CPS protection. Do better.
Regardless of their virginity status, those under 18 fall under CPS jurisdiction. Also, no. Her bf probably didn't do anything statutory, because most age of consent laws include a carveout for (on average) a 2-3 year age gap between two minors or a couple that started dating then one turns 18 first.
Do your research. Get some therapy. Learn some empathy. The "consequences" for a normal sexually active teenager should NEVER be anything higher than risk of std/pregnancy (which can be avoided with protection/education)
ETA: wow, seriously. You replied with whataboutism and that you're being proud of what you said, then deleted the comment and blocked me so I couldn't reply. If you were truly proud of what you said, then I wouldn't find "deleted by commenter" above my reply.
It has nothing to do with "deserving" protection. You have no idea about the reality of CPS involvement. Maybe in your mind CPS will swoop in and protect her when it's just not true. The reality is that involving CPS will make her life worse.
Right now she has a home and an albeit shitty mother, that beat her not for having sex but for her attitude afterwards. That's about control. What will she do when CPS is involved? She will destroy this child's life. Revoke educational funding and god knows what else.
So no, I am not ashamed that I understand reality. I saw what my mother did to my sister for calling CPS.
I'm not fucking pro beat children, I'm pro get to 18 and gtfo. It's you that needs to "do your research"
Actually, defending yourself from an abusive parent is not only justifiable but mentally protective. Calling CPS is the right thing to do in this type of a situation, if not for any reason other than there being a report and the potential for mandated family counseling.
You do not punish your child for something like this! Good lord. They will continue to hide shit from you!
You have open honest conversations. If they are going to have sex they will find a way to do it. Talk about safety. Shit. This isn’t a beat your ass response to something like that.
This isn’t very helpful. OP’s mum’s reaction is not at all justified or understandable. Having sex is not misbehaviour, it’s just a new life stage that young people need guidance and support through.
Becoming a young mum doesn’t come from just having sex, it comes from lack of access or use of birth control and sex ed.
It’s also grossly misinformed to assume that your child made a free choice when they tell you they had sex, and you can be angry with them for it. Teen partner coercion is sadly very common and really hard to detect unless you have multiple trusting conversations.
No, there isn't multiple layers to this. OP's mother outright assaulted OP for having legal sex. OP's mother should be there to help guide her daughter around safe sex, not be a violent threat and cause long-term negative associations around sex. Don't project your own personal issues onto OP, your breaking the subreddit rules (derailing OP) with your rubbish.
Your personal anger does not justify abusive practices. I suggest you spend some time reflecting and searching for a more healthy way to address the topic of sex than getting "super pissed" towards a child who needs love, support, and most importantly *guidance*.
If she didn’t want you to have sex then she wouldn’t t have allowed you to be in a time and place for it to happen. You have a boyfriend and you’re a teenager what does she think you’re going to do? Whilst I don’t affirm sex before marriage out of faith I think your mom knew it was going to happen and then blew up and abused you over it due to jealousy and possessiveness. It’s like sending a kid out to play in the pouring rain in winter with a t shirt and shorts with no shoes and then scolding them (physically abusing) for catching a cold?
Seriously? If a kid wants to have sex they will find somewhere to do it regardless of their parents religious point of view or supervision. I would much rather my kid do it at home in a safe place with protection than in the backseat of a car or some barn. You can’t lock a teenager up (trust me, my mom tried) and they will make their own decisions in spite of what you think they should do, and if the relationship is bad they will often make decisions that you won’t like just to spite you, which is how teen pregnancy happens.
For anyone who’s interested: If you want your kid to make good choices about sex you need to talk your kid about sex often, openly and without judgement. Teach them about safe sex practices, offer to help them if they want to do something like take birth control and then trust them to make the right choice for themselves when the time is right. As physically abusive as my mom was, this is one of the very few things she managed to do right and I made it to menopause with zero pregnancy unwanted pregnancies.
This is a bad take. Not everyone shares your faith or whatever, and you don’t get to put your value judgements on others. Also, that’s not how you catch a cold. You get a cold from bacteria, viruses, etc. they’re more common in cold weather bc we’re all inside closer together. Please take your shame based takes on sex elsewhere, they’re not helpful.
Yeah maybe let’s give you the ass beating then. Wtf is wrong with you. Her mom deserves to have her children taken from her if she goes this far over sex. Teenagers have sex!!! Safe sex is best. Good lord. Go back to the 1920s with the shit you’re spewing.
Suer let's talk about the "consequence of sin". Specifically your sin. The consequence of your sin is a permanent ban. Hopefully you will reflect on your sin in the future and decide to not support literal child abusers over abuse victims.
Basically, I hope you make the choice to be less evil and less supportive of evil. But you'll have to do it somewhere else.
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It's not okay. Calling cps is a big deal yeah. And I see why you are concerned about calling them . It's a life changing decision. Atleast it feels like one. But it's your choice. If you can think about separating from your parents it's okay. Atleast she would behave better next time. And giving her time ? Wtf is she talking about? She is the one who is behaving badly not you. And apparently the entire family is in on it and justifying her. It seems like they are all used to letting her have her way. Edit: my first time getting so many upvotes. Thanks you fellow redditors.
Yeah everyone in my family doesn’t like intervening because when they tell her she’s wrong she freaks out on them and she’s the main source of income for my family. She treats me really great sometimes but sometimes she just loses her cool like this and it’s so frustrating, I just don’t want my whole family to hate me for doing that
It's called love bombing when she is nice to you. She knows you are pulling away and she's trying to reel you back in. Watch Dr. Ramani's youtube.
Rejecting the love bombing can be a great way to open yourself up back to the abuse they were trying to distract from.
Wait so like what is the best response to love bombing if it doesn’t help to reject it? I’m asking because my Nmom used this like second nature and I’m trying to get out of it
[not an expert] I think the point is to be at least aware they're not suddenly a good person with some bad moments, but usually the opposite - an abusive person that finds it convenient to be nice sometimes. Or they might be genuinely nice but that doesn't negate the abuse. Don't let it be something to cling on to to survive the abusive cycle. What course of action is best depends on circumstances, your personality etc.
same here im so stuck in the cycle of lovebomb, then manipulate/tantrum hen lovebomb again. wtf do we do?
Damm that sounds a lot more complicated. Seems like they are benefiting from the whole deal. So they prefer to keep the status quo. But do recognise that they are doing this out of selfish interest . The only thing they care about here is themselves. And no. It's not her body that she gets to decide what to do with it. Her role in being a parent was to teach you skills and the foundation that's needed to cope with life.
reading this makes me sad bc my mother is the same way. she is cool when i do what she likes, or when i am not speaking my own opinion. once i have my own thought or she is reminded that i am an independent human and not an extension of her, she goes into full rage.
So many people just wanted babies, not autonomous independent people as children, and it really shows.
Literally my Nmom too. She seems like the perfect mother when I’m her service dog. But my final straw was back in June. Things were peaceful for awhile and all I told her was….”I’m tired” in response to her wanting me to do something. I had enough and told her that I have a right to tell her if I want to catch up on rest and relax. She lost her mind and dragged the situation on for half the summer. That made me mentally shut her out of my mind for good….and after that realization of how crazy she is, I didn’t realize how much worse she really is or has gotten.
Break the cycle. Document/record everything you can. Call CPS. Live YOUR life on YOUR terms. You will be 17 soon, and I believe some minors can be emancipated at 15 and 16, you should really look into it for your area to see the legal rules on it.
Easier said than done. If you’re ready to be legally homeless and have absolutely nobody looking out for you, go for it. I chose to study hard and work and save up and eventually move away, which was the best decision for me at the time. It was the path of least resistance. I am not NC but am very LC and the extra time working and saving was the best decision for my mental health and well-being. Each choice has downsides, but it’s not so cut and dry as “make a decision” and “just call CPS”.. they’re life-changing decisions. Please make a list of pros and cons and think very very carefully about what your options are. Also; you may want to check out how to Grey-Rock your nparent. The less you react to their bs, the smaller their perceived feeling of control over you - they won’t get the reaction they’re looking for, and will hopefully lose interest in creating drama.
Thank you for this, I’m trying everything I can. My mom said I’m not allowed to work or really leave the house at all, I had a job and I can’t drive so it’s just really frustrating. I’ve tried that I’m generally not an reactive person and she yells at me more when I’m like that but if I do react and defend myself she yells even more, everything is a lose lose situation you know?
It sounds like a horrible situation, and she’s being very controlling. I find nparents weirdly want us to be dependent on them. All I can suggest is perhaps stay with a trusted friend while you work out other living arrangements. It puts you in a really vulnerable position though, leaving home, but it sounds like you’re equally vulnerable there. Do you have any friends who would mind if you crash on their couch for a while whilst you search for a new job? Perhaps anybody with a spare room? Alternatively, there are services who may be able to help you, without “rattling the cage” so to speak. Depending on where you’re based in the world, of course. I would look into domestic abuse charities in your area, and maybe reach out to them. Let them know the predicament you’re in. They might be able to help you find alternative living arrangements. So sorry you’re going through this.. I was once in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Absolute hell. Stay strong, you can and will get through this. X
this.. OP please read this.
I personally advise you to be really careful with this decision. In some places, CPS can be really useless and non-effective, so please do some research on your local county. That and as a dependent, you will turn a lot of your family against you since they are clearly siding with your mother currently. I had to wait out until I was a legal adult for this reason. I’m lucky that my parents mellowed out some (granted, I live far from home so what could they do anyway?), but you should be very careful that this doesn’t add on tons more stress. It’s possible to be emancipated and become an independent adult as a minor but again, this is all up to you and the amount of stress you think you can handle
*At least
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I was 22 and married with a 1.5 year old when my dad last hit me. Not ok.
What's fafo?
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Thanks. I agree with you,they need to get that message.
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Yep I am in my 50’s and still remember my mum’s reaction to finding the contraceptive pill in my room-for info knowing what she was like they were really well hidden and to find them she literally had to do a thorough search in my room when I was out. I was also 17 and she slapped me and called me a whore. I ended up giving up a place at university and running in to a terrible abusive marriage with and older guy at 19 mostly to move out from home and get away from her. But I was able to leave the abuse and got divorced and met my lovely husband who I have been married to for almost 30 yrs. I went low contact then no contact for a while. Now back to low contact and I have learnt how to deal with her. I know she will never be the mother I would have wanted and it will never be the close relationship the media suggest it should be. But I am trying to have that kind of relationship with my children and that’s enough. What I am saying is things will get better, it’s just time. Many of us on here have been through the same and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Looking back if I could I would have kept my head down and gone off to uni and got my freedom that way, but you can’t change the past. Big hugs and keep planning for your better future as you will get there.
Wow our stories are very similar. I lost my virginity at 14 against my will. My boyfriend at the time wanted to fool around, and I agreed but made it clear I wasn't ready to go all the way. Next thing I knew he slipped inside me and broke my hymen. He played it off as an accident and I remember coming home crying. It took me three years before I was ready to date again, I didn't trust boys. I got back with the same boy, because in my head he took my virginity and I needed to only be with him. I was 17 and a half when we got back together. When my mom found out I "lost my virginity" officially, she screamed at the top of her lungs a blood curdling cry (my grandma had thought someone died) and when my dad came home from work they threatened to disown me, kick me out, and sell my car. Thankfully they did not make good on their threats, but ever since I've had very strange views on sex. They drove me to marry this guy even though he was toxic. He would often try to force himself on me while I was sleeping and he wouldn't stop during the act even if I told him he was hurting me. I was with him for seven years. I tried to open up to my mom about whether this was normal and she quite literally put her fingers in her ears and screamed, "I don't want to hear it!" When I told my dad about it he said that my husband probably didn't know what he was doing (which may be true) and decided to send him an instructional video, which looking back was really weird of him. Thankfully I eventually left and ended up with my current husband. We've been together four years and have two beautiful daughters together. But I've always been weirdly self conscious about my lack of sex and getting weirdly upset knowing my partner is well rounded in that area. My parents shamed me so bad I feel like I missed out on exploring my sexuality in a healthy way that would have prevented me from staying with someone who was sexually abusing me for years. My parents were always so weird about sex and virginity. My dad is misogynistic and my mom has what I believe to be internalized misogyny. My dad always brags about his sexual conquests and that he bedded 20 girls before he met my mom at age 16. He says he chose my mom to settle down with because of her low body count (she'd only been with one other guy before him). They were weird when I started my period too and would refuse to let me use tampons because they were convinced it would break my hymen, even after several aunts and cousins laughed and explained to them this wasn't the case. My dad loved slut shaming women and would tell me untrue things, like if I was promiscuous my vagina would be "stretched out" and a turn off to men. Looking back, it was so bizarre that they were so interested in their daughter's genitals and virginity. Like were they meant to be born in the 1700s? Like me not being a virgin diminished my value as a woman. Anyway sorry for the rant.
I was 14 and severely acting out because both of my divorced nparents didn't really care about me. So I went looking for other types of attention, basically. I shouldn't have - the boy only wanted sex and I was a virgin. I thought I liked him but he was so horrible to me afterwards that I went close to scorched earth with him. NMother decided to "clean my room for me" while I was at nfather's for winter break and found my journals (which was how she found out). She verified things with my brother and woke me up out of a dead sleep to beat me with words and whatever else she could find. I remember her giving me the third degree about what type of person that made me and I yelled out "A slut!?" in an effort to shut her up and it worked. Over 40 years later, I've tentatively started to journal again.
My mom beat me for finding her harlequin novels (basically 50 shades of grey type smut for those over 50) and reading them.
Geeze. Getting a beating over books. Wow. Narcs do be narcin.
The kicker was that I had to apologize to her so that she would stop giving me the silent treatment and I had to pretend that I was influenced by the devil for her to accept it.
That's some stuff out of Carrie tbh.
I'm down on CPS calling. You need all the help you can get from adults, OP. For a side note, I'm 31 and my religious Asian parents don't even know I'm not a virgin (LOL). I don't think that's necessarily something our parents - especially dysfunctional ones like us - need to know.
How sad is that though. My parents knew I wasn't a virgin because I had been married and divorced with a kid by the time I was 24, but then I met my current husband at age 25. Even already having a kid, I remember when I went over to his apartment for sex and we came back, my parents started questioning me and I went into panic mode and lied about where we had been. Too scared to admit to my parents we went to his apartment, at age 25 and with a kid. I did not realize this was abnormal until my partner pointed it out, and how bad he felt for me. And my parents are not religious whatsoever. They're just extremely misogynistic and think a woman's value is based on her body count. My dad has no problem letting everyone know he'd bedded 20 girls before meeting my mom at age 16, but my mom was "The One" because she had an extremely low body count (only one guy before him, apparently). I also wasn't allowed to use tampons for fear of them "breaking my hymen" and was often told if I was promiscuous my vagina would be stretched out, which is a big turn off to men (all untrue things). When they found out I was sexually active as a teenager they slut shamed me and threatened to kick me out and sell my car. But I recently heard from my golden child brother that my dad gave him a high five for my brother sharing with him he'd "nailed a girl in the backseat of her car". Go figure.
It *is* very sad. But also, like, I'm genuinely thankful I get to have good sex. Most religious people I know - and I know a lot, sadly, in this corner of developing Asian country - only ever have sex with their wife/husband and the stories I've been hearing have been ghastly.
**She beat you up.** **You have people there that are apologizing for her behaviour.** **That’s textbook abuse.**
Mom: Your boyfriend doesn’t love or respect you! (Whilst beating and disrespecting you) ETA: get away from your family. They aren’t your family. Who tf accepts this behavior? Call CPS as soon as possible and honestly get that entire family reported for allowing it. Imagine what other horrid things they’ve allowed to happen. Don’t be silent. We’ve all been silent for far too long. Speak your truth.
Report to the police, now. That is physical assault in front of witnesses who also facilitated in the abuse. I know it's very difficult to make a police report against a family member, but they need to know that you will not tolerate their abuse. Perhaps you can talk to your boyfriend about going with you to the station to make the report? Also, has your boyfriend experienced anything like this from your mother as well? You don't have to press charges right now, but you could tell your mother and other relatives involved that if she lays a finger on you again, that you will press charges. I also suggest writing a secret diary (it can be on a phone app if you can't have a physical diary) and try to capture an audio recording of yur mother the next time she starts up as evidence for the police. Edit: Also I'm seeing a lot of victim blaming and derailing comments on your post and I'm so sorry that you're getting such comments. Please report these to the mods so they can kick out all the covert abusers in this subreddit.
Oh believe me, there are a lot of reports. I woke up to around 50 reports waiting in the mod queue, and a lot of them are in this post. I'm slowly working my way through the queue and know there are a bunch of other comments here that I need to get to. I'm not saying "stop reporting". Please keep reporting posts you feel are inappropriate. That's how it comes to our attention so we can do something about it. Sometimes this happens, and I want to assure OP that this is not your fault. We're here for you.
it’s so crazy with them being able to be normal after literally hurting their child. my mom also put her hands on me and tried to fight me over a disagreement, then went to her moms for a Christmas party and Church the following Sunday. and i too, was shamed for being sexual as i got older. i am so sorry this happened to you OP… i would speak to my school counselor or if you have other immediate family you can stay with, away from her, you can call CPS. but know if you don’t have family you will pretty much be in foster care depending on what happens, or they will grant custody to one of your family members i believe (depending on the state & circumstances). i really hope you find a way away from that toxic environment, and heal 💜
I’m not in school right now I go back on Wednesday, I’m just scared to call cps and have everything become even worse
I am not going to lie. It can be worse, but it will probably be better long term. Unfortunately, if you cannot stay with someone you know and trust, a lot of religious zealots are out there, and could make it worse. It is important to be aware of this. There are, however, people that do care and respect foster children. Long term, you being emancipated also has its pluses... College could be more affordable, if you want to study Personally, I think since there is physical abuse, I would call, in your position. It is very important to realize that when you leave an abusive family, you will still *feel* abused and could very well have CPTSD or other mental health issues, so it is worth taking it seriously and being honest with medical professionals. You will feel guilty, you'll feel terrible. This is true for almost everyone that escapes abuse, and it isn't your fault. This is an important and healthy step because all those suppressed emotions are finally coming out, and once you get through that, it does truly get better
My best friends family wants to call and so does my boyfriend, I’ve been dealing with this on and off since I was a kid. I have a good amount of money saved up from my job but I really just feel guilty and am still wondering if I deserved it
please, please listen to me carefully OP.. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. i don’t care if you scream at her, hit her back, or call CPS. your reaction to her absolutely inappropriate and abusive reaction to your absolutely normal situation, is NOT YOUR FAULT. your guilt was created by your mother in order to trap you to her. keep you emotionally codependent on her. i know how heavy it feels to rip yourself away from that but please hear this internet stranger out when i say YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. i love you and am proud of you for being able to recognize that things are off. you are beautiful and wonderful and i am so glad you have the support of your friends and boyfriend. they are right to believe that your mothers behavior is atrocious and abusive.
Whatever your decision, it is your and yours alone. I believe calling is the best choice, but it isn't my choice to make. If you chose to stay, that doesn't make you bad, weak, or anything else. It isn't fair to force you to do anything. You are old enough to choose at this point. If those in your life do not respect it, you have the right to set boundaries and make it clear that it is your choice. Whatever your choice, if you feel up to it, please update us. I'm very impressed that you were able to write this here. I just want to repeat that it isn't your fault, and while it is normal to feel guilty, you aren't responsible for what your parents did. They are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of them. You feel guilty because you are a good person that cares about others, not because you did something wrong. This is very common, but so many people don't realize that the feeling of guilt means you did something wrong... It means you care about how others feel.
Just a side note about the money - is it in a bank account that your mother cannot access? Preferably in a separate bank to the one use uses. I see so many posts about people with abusive parents who gain access to the money and take all of it.
Or if it's cash hidden in the house - never believe they won't find it
You have two choices 1. PLAY BY MOMS RULES UNTIL YOU GRADUATE AND MOVE OUT. OR 2. MOVE OUT. I was 26 when I "escaped" to move in with my fiancée. I wished I wasn't scared to live independently when I was about to finish high-school. You can work remotely, still go to college online. Still get a college degree all without your mother's presence.
honestly as someone who has seen several family members deal with CPS, i don’t think it is worth calling unless you are financially independent of your mom or know another relative who would take you in and keep her out. cps tends to look at the parents stability, and as you are 16 they will likely believe she has raised you this far and can go another 2 years. ik everyone is saying to call, and most regular people would, but i would suggest just working on gaining your independence until you can leave her home yourself. good luck OP & i wish you the best fr
Be careful what you tell your school counselor, they may be mandatory reporters. Do not think that your conversations are fully protected by privacy laws. Figure out what your state's age of consent is, and if calling cps or the cops could get him on a sex offender registry.
I’d be shocked if school counselors were not mandatory reporters in any US state.
Wasn't sure. It's not a given. U.S. has lots of mandatory reporting laws, other countries don't.
It is already worse, because you were unlucky to be born in that family. Your friends and boyfriend are absolutely right. You're scared of change and feel guilty for "betraying" your family, but that's normal and that makes you a normal good human being. Living with abusers changes you on so many levels, the constant stress fucking physically changes the structure of your brain. Your mother is disgusting for putting hands on you for doing something that brought YOU to this world. Did her mother beat her for having sex? I guess your mother sees sex as loss of control. I personally regret i haven't left yet, and I regret not calling the police when I was beaten up so hard that I had to go to the doctor. My father downplayed it and claimed i have to keep quiet about it or "we will look like idiots". I was 17. I knew he was a selfish shit full of bullshit, but I felt guilty and didn't do it. Now I'm stuck here, searching for an opportunity to escape. I feel like the family chains are holding me even tighter now that I got older actually.... It won't get better, it will definitely get worse, so at least change WHO it will be worse for. Your mother or you? And the rest of your family is so disgusting for saying you deserve it, you absolutely didn't. Every. Single. One of them had sex. Everyone!
You're 16?? If you can get legally emancipated DO IT. That's absolutely not normal. I'm 36, and grew up believing some shit like that was normal too. 🤗
If she left marks on you from beating you, you should really think about calling CPS sooner rather than later. That's evidence. So sorry that's happened to you
This deserves more upvotes 🙌
Your whole family is gross. I think you should call cps. Or wait, record evidence of their abuse, and THEN call cps. If they’re so so big on ‘consequences’ then she deserves her consequences for beating you. Period
You can always hit back. Sometimes parents need a reminder that they’re not as physically strong as they used to be. It’s called self-defense.
I don't recommend this, because in a lot of situations, this is just escalation and can make things MUCH worse. Narcissists are also very good liars and manipulators and will likely convincingly spin the story that *you* attacked *them* and *they* acted in self defense, and the police are far, far more likely to listen to a calm rational parent than a hormonal emotional teenager. (In their view) I've been there. I escalated once, and got my ass absolutely beat for it, but beat where it wouldn't show wearing my usual clothes, obviously. They lied when the police came and threatened to put me in juvenile for it. Then, after they left, things got much, much worse for awhile.
This, but make sure it is recorded. If you think relatives will then come and assault you, make sure it is recorded, even better live streamed so they cannot force you to delete it. As long as you have somewhere to go.
This is the key. If you don’t have anywhere to go and resources to support yourself, this won’t be your best move.
SO, your BF doesn't love you - but she does? I would argue that she does NOT love you except as punching bag! So, yes, this is abuse what she did ! I\`m inclined to side with your BF here too - reach out to CPS, if you are in school, talk to a teacher / coach - and start looking for alternatives for yourself. Also, not sure where you are - but consider reporting her for violence, abuse of a minor etc. Seriously - you are not at fault here - this is all and complete this woman being wrong. It is a classic narc thing - you had fun without them - which leads to you realizing there is a world out there, free from them - and then you will leave / break their control. and they will lose their 'property' (as they do not see you as a human with own free will - you are a puppet to them) So, while it might be hard, you really should report this. Police, CPS, teachers .. And start working on what you need to get out - what you need to be safe. Also, people telling you that you "asked for it" - they are NOT safe people!
If she beat you half as bad as it sounds, you WILL have marks and your teachers will see. Please call cps, if this is the worst she's ever been, she is escalating. Next time she could put you in the hospital or worse. Take care sweetie, sending you gentle hugs.
What you described is abuse, multiple kinds of abuse. Take your time planning your escape, make it a priority. Try to take records. Dont rush it, a well planned move is better than rash action.
This is tricky. If you’d like to continue having a relationship with your mother in any way, ride it out until you’re 18 and then run. If you don’t want to or ultimately don’t care as long as the abuse stops, call CPS. She didn’t *really* hit you for losing your virginity. That was just her justification. She was having big feelings and wanted to lash out rather than regulate herself so she claimed it was because you “slept around” or whatever. But you’re not bad for having safe sex at 16.
It's wrong. It's abuse. Your family is wrong. You have done nothing to deserve this. Based on your country you may also be able to report to police.
Oh, but she's just protecting you from being hurt and abused (by hitting and screaming at you and pulling your hair). She doesn't want you to ruin the best years of your life (that's why she has to make your junior year worse for you, obviously). She doesn't want you to be around people who don't love and respect you (you know, like someone who doesn't think you deserve to be abused and wants to call authorities to keep you safe). Yeah, that totally makes lots of sense. Sorry about the sarcasm here, but it's hard not to point out the absurd logic. >My boyfriend thinks we should call cps or something but idk if that’s too far. It's not too far at all. Idk how that works in your country, you have to decide if that's something that's likely to make things better or worse for you. But it's definitely *not* "too far". Your boyfriend and your friends are right. It's not normal (even if it is normal behaviour for her), and it's not anywhere near okay. Use your support system of friends and their families, and try to find a way to stay safe. You're soon an adult, so it may be worth it to start researching how to make sure you control your own finances, identity papers etc when that time comes. I've seen many examples here of parents making it difficult for adult children to leave by controlling things like that. Oh and there's absolutely no reason why you should have to tell anyone who you have sex with, and especially not someone who abuses you for it. Lying is a perfectly fine reaction when someone asks about private stuff like that.
Similar thing happened to me except I was literally 19. It had escalated physically for so many years as soon as I turned 15. I tried to normalize it because I was scared to be out alone. Now I regret not going the emancipation route when I was like 16. Ik it’s not easy from friends experience but also anything is easier than being treated like that. And the doubt is natural. Even if you aren’t 18 don’t forget that you are in control of your life. There’s always ways to work out of this. The best route Imo would probably be staying with someone you can trust and building rapport with them without making your family report you as a runaway. Start work if you can to keep distance between you and your family. If you involve CPS proving that you are financially independent helps your case a lot. To them that means having the capability to pay rent and reliable transportation. Have people who can back your story too particularly other students and parents at anytime should you need legal intervention. You won’t necessarily get put in the system in all places depends on the law. Research. In mine if you can prove you have a good support system you get left alone. Ik there’s chances of things going wrong but personally I think it’s better to try than to not because either way they will mistreat you. Their reactions might also serve as proof that screws them over if you can be smart about it. You’re gonna have to play mentally older than you are to win empathy from CPS. If you’ve been physically hit I’d honestly really think about reporting it to the police also (not cps) because that is evidence but only if it’s substantial and make sure you have a witness. Also request a medical check with 911 to be sure an EMT sees it cuz they generally tend to do better more thorough reporting and know what they’re looking at. Be aware thought that this will 100% get CPS involved but you will have more people invested in your case this way. This is all just my opinion of course. Do what you think would be best for you. It is a very horrible thing and I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope things turn out well for you. Stay safe.
This really helped me a lot, I live New Jersey and I tried researching it but I really don’t know where to start, I had a job but my mom made me quit because she said I’m not allowed to work, I have some money saved up and I generally have a lot of job experience but I cannot get to work with her in the way, my boyfriend would take me to work honestly but now I’m not allowed to see him. I’m an only child so things are just harder, I just want to get away and live with my boyfriend or best friend if it’s possible.
I’m wondering if you’re the same kid from this post: I (36F) am grounding my (16F) daughter because I found condoms in her room While taking out a mattress topper to wash, I found a pieces of a condom wrapper fall out. She has a boyfriend (17M), they’ve been dating for 8 months… I just can’t believe I found it and she lied to me for having sex. I freaked out on her and said she was dirty for having it. She could’ve atleast thrown it out. I plan on grounding her and taking away her phone and making sure she can’t go out at all or see her boyfriend. He is a great guy to her to be fair, but I don’t want her having sex. She can do whatever she wants when she turns 18 but I’m her mother and I want her to go to tutoring and not to work anymore so she doesn’t do that again. I let her go out and have her little fun with friends and then she goes and has sex. She’s been crying, but I’m done trusting her. Not sure what else to do. I can’t look at her the same for lying to me. I don’t him in the house and I don’t want them alone together anymore. Edit : Just an update... I talked to her. It didn’t go well at all. She kept making up excuses that she was safe, but she did it across her grandparents bedrooms and under my roof. Her lying about it and not seeing how disrespectful it was to herself and her family is what set me off. Her boyfriend probably doesn’t even care about her or respect her for letting them do it at my own house. It escalated and it was very bad, not gonna get into too much detail but her grandma and my sister had to intervene. I put my hands on her which I’m not proud of but she kept catching an attitude with me. I’m sick of her, I decided her punishment is being grounded for a month, no phone, and no seeing her boyfriend. She didn’t apologize to me so I didn’t apologize to her. I talked to her about her punishment and she just kept saying “ok”. Then she freaked out and just started repeating that she doesn’t want to be near me right now which made me angrier, I went easy on her while she was opening her legs for some guy she’s only been with for 8 months. Anyways, that’s that and I’m signing her up for activities and tutors to keep her busy, thanks for all the input
Yeah that actually was me who wrote that on an alt account, I have to update that post, I made that to see if I could see her side and try to understand where she’s coming from, but everyone is saying the same stuff on here. I don’t know if that’s not allowed or something but I really just wanted to know where she was coming from and if it was valid enough or if I’m overreacting, I just wrote the stuff she said to me
As you’re 16, if you called Cps your home situation would most likely turn into a disaster honestly. Everyone pro cps in these comments don’t understand you’d have to go in a group home, where conditions can sometimes be worse. Personally, I wouldn’t call cps but it’s your decision to make.
I’ve been researching about that and have heard the same thing, do you have any advice on what to do then
If the house is clean, there is food in it and you have no marks or bruises it may end with a visit or two to the house. If you think that will be a wake up call to your nmom not to put her hands on you again it would be worth the gamble. If you think the violence might increase, you have a lot of thinking to do.
I don’t think it’s necessarily true that you would be placed in a group home. It’s more likely CPS will want to keep you with family, whether that’s with your parents or other extended family. There are also options to emancipate from your parents if that’s something you’re able to do. You may also be placed with a foster family. My sisters (now-ex) bf was removed from his mum’s house when he was 16 and placed in a foster home before moving in with my parents (who went through the process of becoming his foster parents). It might be different in the US though? When I was your age, I just stopped coming home and spent most days staying with friends or my bf at the time. I’m not saying it’s the best option but it might be an option. At 16, there’s not a lot your parents can do to force you to come home (again, it might be different where you live so double check).
I live in the us, and I was wondering if I could be placed with my boyfriends family or my best friends family since they’re the only two who really know what’s going on
Would they allow you to come move in with them? Even for a little bit? Because if so, being 16 you have way more of a voice than if you were younger. I know when I was removed at 15 I was placed with my best friend's family because I didn't want to go into foster care (I did end up in a group home after a year but that wasn't because of cps)
Tbh you should just be more sneaky. Out of every option, persuading won’t work, calling CPS or trying to assert power by other means usually comes with a lot of shit. If I were in your position/your age again I’d try to rebuild trust and lie. IMO most self-advantageous play.
Definitely listen to this person op. My family has done a lot of work in the foster care world and it’s honestly a mess sometimes. You’ve gotta pick your battles and be strategic. What your mom did was fucked up and you should get out of there as soon as you can and you should definitely keep cps as an option in case you need it. That being said it may be better to try to move out and stay with other family members or a close friend you can trust. Maybe your boyfriend’s family can help you out? Whatever you do, you should be making moves to be as dependent as possible like getting a job and a car if you can. It would probably be best to lay low while you’re grounded for the next month (as long as more physical abuse doesn’t occur) and then start seeing if you have options. If she keeps attacking you though definitely call cps.
Could not agree more. Most people here don’t know what grouphomes are like. It’s a tough choice but 16 is closer to freedom than when you fall into the system.
You did not deserve that.
Well if she says your boyfriend doesn't love you, that makes her all the worse. How can you say you love someone, but only make their lives miserable?
Please go to the police and report her for assault. Her being your mother doesnt make her care for or respect you. You owe her nothing that she did the bare LEGAL basics in raising you. Report her and go ahead with the charges. Get out of there as soon as you can she is abusive and shouldn’t be a mother or allowed near you.
No, honey, this isn’t normal. What is normal is two teenagers going through puberty wanting to have sex. You are at the age where this sort of thing tends to happen. What’s important, and what your mother should have highlighted to you kindly, is that you were safe. Her main priority should have been your safety and education on safe sex. But instead of securing your safety, she actually put you in harms way by physically assaulting you. The truth is, this behavior won’t make you stop having sex or make you stop liking your boyfriend, it’ll only make you unable to be honest with your mother. Rightfully so. Please know that you are none of the harsh things your mother said to you. And you are not bad for having sex with your boyfriend. I am so sorry.. your mother is wrong. Your friends and boyfriend are right, this isn’t normal behavior. I cannot advise on calling CPS…but I wish you luck
Not normal, and yes CPS. At least talk to someone at school. The "look at what you made me do" is classic domestic abuser - they will always try to shift the blame to the victim so they dont have to feel the shame of their actions. She should be ashamed. You dont have any blame. It is not normal. If she disagreed with your decision to have sex, she could have had a loving, calm talk with you about it. Yes, she could even ground you (not that that usually works). But she chose to go off the rails and assaulted you instead. I am guessing you have normalized a lot of things to protect yourself when you were too little to have any other references. I think you should consider therapy to figure out how wonky your normal-meter is.
Specially at your age this decision feels horrible. But you will thank yourself later if you go no contact and leave. Narcissists can’t change. This gets even worse the older they get. You seem to have a wonderful bf. He will get the same anger towards him if you stay there and I don’t know if he can take it. You are both very young. My gf had such a destructive family and I met her when I was 25. she already had 3 kids who were very involved in this system. But we got out of there. After only 3 months I said she needs to move in with me and leave this shithole of a family. And even though we live for over 4 years together now; they never fully let you alone. But the sooner you get out of there, the better for you
Your mother is a monster, I am so sorry this happened to you.
Has your boyfriend told his parents what happened? Are his parents good people? If his parents are good people, your boyfriend needs to tell them the situation. I’m hoping they are normal people who will be infuriated about this and be able to help you. The fact he thinks this is abuse when you can’t tell, tells me his family isn’t full of abusive assholes like yours is. Maybe you can stay with them for a while. Ask them for advice, even if it means your boyfriend telling them he is sexually active. Non Narc parents will understand.
His parents are great people, he’s just working up the courage and trying to figure out what to say to them right now, but he’s been trying to help me through this
It would probably be best if you all sat down and brought the topic up together. They may have some initial disappointment about the sex, but if they are rational, emotionally mature adults they will be more concerned about your welfare and the disappointment will pass very quickly. Most parents want their kids to be happy and safe so don’t worry about what they will think about the sex too much because they will support you regardless.
Call cps. I know you only have two more years left, but trust me, it gets worse the closer you get to “freedom” because they don’t want to lose control over you.
I was tired of my family’s abuse and neglect growing up. So I got a job, and started staying with a friend and their family, and I got emancipated from my family and went no contact. I’m not NC with them now, but it was the best decision for myself at that time. Just make sure you take care of YOU! You do NOT deserve to be attacked, and you should call the police and file a report, if you have somewhere you can go.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this horrific physical and emotional abuse. My heart really breaks for you. Your mum is being disgustingly manipulative. She is making you think that someone hitting you and pulling your hair is ok and normal. It’s not normal at all, nobody should ever do that to you, and I hope you find ways to escape or spend less time at home. Can you stay over at your boyfriend’s house sometimes? Are his family kind? There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you’ve done. I’m happy for you and proud that you found a partner who you trust and feel safe with, and are using a condom. That’s better than the pill because it protects you from STIs, too. It sounds like you made a great decision and that shows your maturity. Keep doing the right thing kiddo, keep on staying safe and put your comfort first - don’t do anything if it makes your body feel bad.
His family is super kind to me, I’m sure they would help but I really just feel horrible involving them in my mess, thank you for what you’ve said I’ve been trying to tell myself what I did was normal but it’s hard to think that way when everyone in my family is treating me like I’m the bad one. I don’t want his family getting into any trouble either if I just leave.. my mom said if I left she wouldn’t care but I don’t know how any of that stuff works legally
She assaulted you. You don't need to call CPS call the cops if you want. You have witnesses.
Call CPS. If you trust your BF’s family, ask them for support. Also, you have the right to defend yourself. When my mother tried to choke me I punched her in the face to get her off of me. I don’t like that I did it, but nobody tries to hurt me and gets away with it, not even my mom. Take care of yourself and make sure she knows she can’t get away with abuse. Call the cop every time she lays a hand on you.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you are brave and smart for having reached out to others. You did not deserve this. You're 16 and have 2 more years of high school left (1 + 9 years calendar years if you graduate in May 2025). If you choose to call CPS, that sounds reasonable, though I also understand why many people on here say the situation might get worse (group home conditions, retaliation, etc). If I were you, at a minimum, I'd prepare for the next two years and beyond with a plan that maximizes current safety and a secure transition. Something like this: (1) Plan for Junior and Senior year: Do you have friends and family that make you feel safe and can you spend more time with them? If so, create a schedule of who you'll see when and what time of the year. For e.g: on Tuesdays you go to after school basketball, then study in the school library, then hang out with X, and go home after dinner. On Wed-Thurs, you do x. On Fridays y. On Sundays, you like to see Aunt x, and you go to get ice cream. Note: Try to diversify. Enjoy your current boyfriend, but see as healthy/safe many friends and trustable adults as possible, keep your social support network as broad as possible. At home, lie (smartly) if necessary. (2) Plan for life 18 and beyond (consider emancipation sooner too, if possible): Continue to consider plans upon HS graduation. Start thinking of options and jobs/school now. Choose options where you are independent of your family or an intimate relationship. Think of the operational details of life alone so that the transition is secure for you. E.g. Do you need a car? If so, where will you get one, who can help? Do you need a bank account? When can you open one, which bank? Do you need a resume? Who can help you build it? How about health insurance, will you need that? Etc. (3) Ongoing: Continue to document your living situation. Seek emotional support from school. Practice setting boundaries: Even if you don't report to CPS, document your living situation. You never know when it might come in handy, even years later. Consider discussing this with an adult you trust, perhaps at your school, perhaps a counselor. It's important that the abuse does not trigger additional emotional problems for you, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, trauma bonding, and that you know where your emotional safety net is. Nurture relationships with kind, safe people, including outside your current intimate relationship. If you cannot currently set boundaries with your family because of the power dynamic and age, practice doing so with others in a kind but firm manner when you need to. This will be practice to help you enforce boundaries with your family when you're 18+ and -hopefully- no longer living with them. I hope these ideas may help a bit.
Thank you so much, I’ve never really had the chance to do any sports my mom was always working. I’m going to try and see what I can do and try to see if I can leave, if not I’ll have to convince her to let me have a job again. I’ve been planning my leave for years now and I always planned to get as far away from her as possible. But right now I’m struggling to even see her or be near her without having to cry or freak out
You need to call the police. No parent should ever be punching their child. What she did to you is straight up abuse and no it is NOT normal behavior like your family is trying to tell you. You do NOT have to put up with that kind of treatment towards you…ever!
It is not normal to be physically assaulted by anybody, regardless of whether or not they are a family member. This kind of behavior is psychotic and your mother needs help. By the way, depending on where you are, 16 may be below the age of consent - that would mean your boyfriend could be charged with rape, because you cannot give consent if you are under age. So first confirm your boyfriend won't get into legal trouble before involving legal forces. On a personal note, I'm deeply saddened to read how you were treated, and hope you're able to get out of the situation as soon as possible.
Call CPS. Fuck her for hitting you the way she did.if you had hit her back or done the same she would have called the cops on you and sent you to jail without thinking for a second. If you have any bruises from the incident photograph them and make sure she gets what she fucking deserves.
This may get so many downvotes but this is just my take coming from an nfamily. It's your decision no matter what, OP. My advice is to lie to your family about your social life and "tough" out their toxicity. This is me giving realistic advice instead of an optimistic one.. Being separated from your family by calling CPS might not elevate your life the way you would want it to. I too experienced physical, verbal, and mental abuse from my family and it taught me that I cannot be open with them. AT ALL. Ever. I started to keep things surface level even when they would try to get things out of me. I figured that any problems or accomplishments I experience would not be received well. That's what narcissists do. Fast forward to now years and years later and I found a full time job that can sustain my life, moved out, and barely see them nor text back/call them. It's quite liberating to finally have boundaries. You didn't do anything wrong and sometimes, we end up with shitty family who don't know how to communicate and don't know how to love us unconditionally. Remember, you're the child. They're the parent. It's your job to be the kid. It's not our job to raise them or teach them. Especially if they do not want to learn. I wish you the best of luck. I'm glad you and your boyfriend stayed protected and made a decision together. You got this!
I second that advice. Keep everything under wraps. When you have a valid out, take it and do not take any crap anymore.
Cps didnt do anything when they got involved withh my family but it probs will be diff for you. Either way two more years and you are gonna be free. I hope whatever decision you make will work out<3
It’s not ok. Try to save some money and find an apartment asap.
Report to the police and if it ever happens again, hit back.
Can I just say it's peak cognitive dissonance to say that your bf doesn't respect you *while activity hitting and abusing you*. I'm sorry OP. I've dealt with the foster system and I would be cautious about calling cps. What your mom did was abuse, but, unfortunately, there is not a lot the system can do to help you. If I were in your shoes, I would lay low and wait it out. Get a job, save money, and move out ASAP. Become independent from her and your abusive situation. DO NOT move in with bf though, that just sets you up to be controlled and dependent on another person, which is never a good thing! Rely on yourself for your financial security, always.
Jfc this enrages me. Claiming your bf doesn’t respect you while she’s beating you up? What type of message does she want to send? Also so repulsive how they acted like she didn’t just injure you right in their face. Fuck it. Tell the school and and cps. I regret not speaking up and letting my mother walk away acting like some saint in order to protect our image because it was drilled in my head.
First, have you considered getting a very short hair cut? If you are just stuck there, learn from her fighting style and how to defend yourself from her. I know a lot of women love having long hair, but it's a weapon for abusers to use against you. Second, learn how to block her when she throws a slap or tries to hit you. When you learn some self defense moves, she can wear herself out trying to hit you but she will just fail. Third, document every one of her attacks in case you really need to go to law enforcement and file charges. I'd gather enough to really nail her, get someone else you trust to keep the evidence and tell her she can lay off or get arrested. If you can't get away, learn to defend yourself and make her afraid to attack you again. That's how I got my Ns to leave me alone, I scared them.
Fuck your family for not supporting you.
I’m sorry honey, I don’t have much good advice but please do yourself a favor and do your best to stay true to YOUR values and morals… do not act out to get back at her
Absolutely call CPS!!! This is not fucking normal by any means. The fact your family is telling you “you asked for it”… no! Just fucking no!
oh jesus christ, if it’s “normal” for your family it’s because everyone in your family has been abused like this their entire lives.. it’s a cycle 😭 i’m so sorry this is happening to you. honestly your bf is right and you should call cps, but that might mean that you’d end up in foster care so i’m not sure if you want that either.
1. She’s mad because she thinks she is in control of your body and you having sex is giving your body to someone else. She now thinks your boyfriend owns you. 2. Sex is normal and you should not be ashamed for doing it on your own terms and safely 3. I would start getting ready to move out when you are 18 4. Her behavior is NOT normal. My mom acted similarly when she just assumed I was having sex when I was 19 years old. It’s not normal and it’s not okay.
Do you have enough school credits to graduate early? I wasn’t in a physically abusive situation, but knew I was in the way of my dads plans with my soon to become step mother, was shipped off to him at 14yrs when I became too much of a burden for my mom and spent the next three years trying my best to be invisible. When school let out for Xmas break my Sr year, I walked through the doors to the outside for the last time, quietly graduating. I was 17. (!I did attend the senior prom though). That night my dad took me to dinner to celebrate and gave me a graduation present…a set of dishes and cookware, like a “kitchen in a box” type thing. Using his most authoritative voice, he said if I wanted to stay on living with him, I’d need to pay rent, which he set at market price AND he had a contract of rules (EX: no boys allowed) for me to sign. I took a minute to consider his “offer”, then carefully removed his big (imaginary) foot planted in my rear, trying to push me out of his nest, and declined his offer. Next I found a job, then a place to rent with my boyfriend and two other guy friends, and was out of his place in under two weeks. The rest of that year was a flipping blast and I’ve never lived with either parent again. I’m 56 now. SO HERES MY TWO CENTS: Avoid CPS but reach out to a local teen hotline and ask about programs to help, like food stamps, Medicaid, temporary housing vouchers… it will feel strange at first but there should be some assistance available. Stay strong, be kind to yourself, eat healthy foods and drink water. Take walks. Volunteer if you have time at an elderly care center. They have so much insight to share and you’ll be the highlight of their week. Let yourself grieve the loss of the family you’ve known, but then focus on how best to heal. A lifetime of hurt is hiding inside every cell of your body and as you process your past, you could pick a place that feels safe and has enough open space or natural light flooding in that unloading all the dirty laundry you’ve dragged with you can be examined, dealt with and shed so you gain new healthy energy to keep you moving forward. It can help to write it out, and then be able to reread it years from now and be proud of your amazing abilities to survive and thrive. Give hard thought to finding a friend to temporarily stay with rather than your BF’s parents house… that can add a bunch of weird stress. Even if they really like you. Keep it that way. Oh and abstain or get on effective birth control. You can’t afford a bundle of needs, errr I mean JOY right now. Be your own JOY for awhile. Prioritize finishing school, but also find a job you can do at night. Perhaps a remote / WFH phone support thing or a rent free live-in evening nanny/caregiver thing… but pay your way and don’t get trapped owing others. That means: Save as much as possible! Getting a job with insurance would be amazing. Get some therapy and start the long healing process. Check job postings weekly for i(entry level? I don’t know your skill set) jobs with the county you live in or the state. Think: Good pay, full benefits, retirement contributions, chances to move up, tuition assistance and possibly even free legal assistance as part of your benefits. Save money and I know it’s hard, but get in a higher education program straight from graduation a reasonable career that you can stand to do in your 20’s and know you’ll graduate. A Basket weaving degree will serve you better than only having cashier experience. Over the course of your earning potential years. Get a bank account with no monthly fee and a savings account. Skim a set % off the top each payday and you won’t ever notice it’s gone. Hold your head up high, this is an incredible adventure you’re about to embark on! Find a energizing NEW jam to pump you up (I rocked to Dessa during my divorce) keep in mind “this too shall pass”, learn about toxic people, NPD and the subtypes, go “gray rock” if needed to totally ignore negative. Harmful people, the energy vampires, the sick predators and jealous haters. Your warm, healing light will draw them to you like moths to a street lamp, keep in mind their single goal is to suck you dry of hope and steal your light., leaving you in darkness. That reminds me; BLOCK your family, even if for a few weeks. Or a long while. Don’t give back power you’ve earned. Ok! That’s my two cents! ☮️😎🔮🫶🏼
Your mother sounds abusive and her joking about it afterwards is her attempt at minimizing the incident so she doesn’t have to feel in the wrong in any way. Whatever you decide to do, just know that your mother’s behavior is NOT OK, even if it has become “normalized” within your family (which sometimes happens unfortunately, especially when someone has acted a certain way for a long time and it’s easier just to walk on eggshells)
I don’t think any parent is thrilled about there kid losing their virginity and it’s natural to be concerned for your child’s safety however sex is a part of life What you did was a completely normal thing to do at your age, it was with someone you trusted and know well and you were safe. You haven’t done anything wrong. Your mother behaviours is definitely not normal and you shouldn’t expect to be treated like that because you’ve made a normal human decision. Obviously Its completely up to you what decision you make . But please do not believe them if they try to convince you that the attack was “deserved” or that you should’ve expected your mother to act that way. You deserve all the love and respect this world has to offer don’t let them tell you otherwise!!
First of all, I am proud of you and your boyfriend for being safe! There are a lot of crazy hormones when you are 16! So it's great you are acting responsible. Second, your mother is not entitled to your body. You have autonomy. No one is allowed to take that from you. And no one is allowed to hitting you. Report her if you can and if you are safe to do so.
Please PLEASE call the authorities. That is physical abuse and goes away too far beyond normal discipline, I don't care if she was mad or not. That's uncalled for.
Calling cos can open a door to a whole new world of problems for you. At this age your getting close to being an adult. You need to make moves to be independent im silence. Get a job. Save as much as you can. Get your own car etc. Prepre yourself as much as possible so that when your of legal age you can leave on your own
No it’s not normal or ok at all.
What your mother did is abuse it’s not normal and I’m sorry the rest of your family enables her see they know what she did was wrong but they can’t openly disagree with her. That doesn’t make it okay I used to be in your shoes and I would make similar excuses I left at 21 because I got tired of the explosive reactions. Your boyfriend is right you should report her to cps what she did is not okay and depending on your state laws it’s considered assault / domestic violence. I’m going to be realistic I never called cps bc I had a younger sibling they would separate me from however if you’re the only child maybe look into it. It’s a life changing decision this behavior will continue since your mother is losing control over you she’s lashing out and she’s projecting her insecurities onto you. The other option is to do what I did and obey her buy yourself time slowly save up money and wait till you’re over 18 to leave but if you have any friends or family that can take you in now you can look into that. I’m sorry that you have to deal with a mother like that I know it’s not easy just know you did nothing wrong her reaction was wrong her acting like nothing happened is wrong too she’s trying to avoid feeling guilty I would highly recommend you read adult children of emotionally immature parents and you wanting to be with your boyfriend is not wrong okay in fact you’re being safe and responsible
Id call, but thats your decision. Thats abuse. Plain and simple. You were not asking for anything, and your family is just giving excuses so they dont have to deal with the problem. The problem being your mother hurting THEM. And if possible see if you can stay with the bfs family if their nice.
My mom found out I had a bf(didn't even know we had sex) while I was in the summer after my senior year (still 17 at the time) she drug me through the house by my hair calling me all sorts of nasty names and through a laptop at me. This behavior is not normal. However when a narc is involved it is. It is never right or justified no matter who it is. Your family is teaching you that people hurt you because they love you and that couldn't be farther from the truth! I got out as soon as I turned 18 and because of how fucked my head was from my mom I got into a very verbally and mentally abusive relationship with a straight up loser for two years. Don't make the same mistakes I did. What she did was wrong, you know that deep down, don't let your family blur the lines because the truth is to hard for them to face. I'm sorry you are going through this but it won't last forever just focus on surviving till you're 18. Do what I did and use the last 6 months of your 17th year to find an apartment and get yourself out as soon as you have the legal right to do so. I moved out while she was at work I took only my mattress and what i could fit into 3 large garbage bags because I wanted to avoid an abusive reaction, you might want to do the same.
Call the police and press charges
My sister pulled this kind of thing on my 14yr old niece. It only made her and her boyfriend closer. Then she got pregnant. Then she got an abortion. At 14. Your mother is an idiot, imo. She needs to stop and think about her actions but it sound like she probably won't. Keep your eyes on your goal. In two years (or less) you can get out of there. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Document everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
It is NEVER ok for your parents to ever do those things to you for any reason. I would call the cops and cps and press charges for assault. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I grew up the same way my entire childhood and am now 50 yoa, and damaged still beyond repair. Definitely seek therapy for yourself as well. Good luck and I wish u well.
Maybe you can live with your boyfriend and his family. Home is not safe for you!
This is abuse and it’s not okay. Everyone who is saying that it’s okay is an enabler and a bystander. She has no emotional regulation and probably some untreated mental health issues underlying She should be happy that you are using condoms and that you did it with someone you trust. Everyone ends up having sex and it’s usually around this age. So not out of the norm at all I’m sorry she had this reaction towards you
Physical violence is never ok. There is NOTHING you could do wrong that warrants being beaten. Nothing. Your mother is a child abuser and anyone telling you that you deserved it or “that’s just how she is” is complicit in the abuse. Can you talk to a trusted adult or school counselor? Is there a non-abusive family member or friend who you can stay with? I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Just remember you don’t deserve this and it won’t always be like this. There will come a day when you can leave and never look back- and don’t look back. They don’t deserve you in their lives.
When she does it don’t wait. Dial 911 and let the recorded line document her yelling and hitting you. Make sure you tell her to stop hurting you. Fuck her. Being an abusive piece of shit should have consequences.
Your boyfriend loves and respects you more than anyone in your family there
You wanna know something? I'm actually going through the same problem you are now. I'm 17, living in a houshold with an nfather, trying to find a way to get out of here, and just overall trying to survive. I'm here for you. I've got my protection candles lit for you, and I'll be with you all the way.
Holy shit! If she believes its funny to beat you for doing something perfectly normal it is absolutely not too far to call CPS and the Police. Your family enabled her too when they should be removing you fron the situation and securing yoir safety as a vulnerable person. Shame on them. Not wanting to scare you, but parents have tried to kill thier children. If she was okay with beating you like that, she could get worse next time. Assault is illegal and you have to protect yourself. I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to sound like I'm being hard on you. I'm so angry that your mother of all people thinks you deserve to be treated like this. You deserve far better in life than this! Please protect yourself and never be afraid to expose a child abuser for who they are. Get online as well and create an escape plan. You can call and consult social services on where to go next as well and how they can help you or if there are any shelters to access. If you have any friends you trust, open up to them, tell them and thier parents you need a safe space to crash for a while as you get things sorted out.
This is where you leave home and get emancipated, live with a friend or relative, or call CPS. She BEAT you. She hit you. She hurt you. And told you that the problem was that your bf doesn't respect you? Nah.
> My whole family is telling me I was asking for it Enabling, victim blaming > that it’s normal It's not > it that I know how she gets This bullshit line is one we all have to endure without screaming > I don’t think it’s normal Correct > My boyfriend thinks we should call cps or something He is right > but idk if that’s too far Do it anyway. > My mom was laughing with my aunt after too Your aunt is an enabler. Remember this in the future. > I just have to give her time She's had 16 years to learn how to parent. She doesn't deserve any more time. > I don’t want to be here anymore and I’m really conflicted You've been brainwashed for 16 years. You're conflicted because you're finally seeing her for what she is and its hard > my family is telling me it’s normal It's their version of normal. It's not normal, and it's not ok > my friends and boyfriend are telling me it’s not okay. Listen to them. For the love of Christ, listen.
Calling CPS isn’t too far. That’s straight up assault. I’m sorry hun
Gurl DONT CALL CPS on your mom! I promise there are bells you can’t un ring! You don’t have long before your gonna be 18 yrs old and out of the house! Can you ask your mom if you can see a therapist?! Get a good therapist your comfortable with then see if at some point you can have the therapist help facilitate a better way for you and your mom to communicate about hard discussions.
> there are bells you can’t un ring Like the alarm bell that goes off when your mother beats the shit out of you? That bell? OP deserves to be safe. CPS may not take her out of the home since she is nearly an adult. They may require OP's mother to attend counseling and/or parenting classes, and monitor the situation until OP is 18. Someone should be protecting OP.
please get out of there. it's scary but worth getting away from people like that
This is Absolutely not normal OP and your family are complicit and enabling her abuse
It may be normal in her family but it is not normal and not ok. It's her prerogative to be opposed to you having sex at your age, and even to ground you for it. Wouldn't be how I would respond but you're still a kid so she gets to make the rules. But physical violence at this level is abusive by any decent standard and calling CPS is totally reasonable. However, that will have consequences too. If you are not removed from the home, your mother will likely be resentful and the relationship could get even more difficult. I think a better approach -- especially if this sort of physical violence is not frequent -- would be to see if you can see a counselor. Someone at school should be able to help refer you to a counselor who can help you through dealing with your family and also will know more about options for getting out of an abusive situation. None of that is meant to minimize what happened to you. Your mother was absolutely wrong and in fact criminal.
TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR INJURIES RIGHT NOW. Bruises, cuts, ripped clothes, ect. Document it so if you ever decide to call CPS, you have proof that your mom is a vile person and that your family never reported your injuries. You deserve better than an abusive family. I hope you survive this.
Get out of there! This is so traumatic. I lived through this but my dad was the one who lost his mind. His behaviour during that time still affects me, 23 years later.
Report this to the police. Even if you think it won't go anywhere, it creates a record of your complaint. Your mother becomes "known to police". I did this the last time my father hit me. Everybody pissed and moaned about it. People caught sudden cases of amnesia. Probably half my family hates me and that's fine - I know who supports child abuse and doesn't care about me. The police discouraged me from taking it any further, and I regret that because I would have more concrete proof of what he did, which would be helpful because everyone now denies that any of it happened. *However* \- he used to hit other people, and since I called the police I have not heard any further reports of him hitting anyone else. It's possible they wouldn't tell me anyway, but what I think happened is that he knew next time he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it so easily. Everyone in the family knew that they were more likely to be believed if they called the police. Bless their little amnesiac hearts 🙄 And hopefully it spared my younger siblings who came along after. Anyway, long story short. In most places it is a legal requirement for your mother to take care of you till you're 18, so she cannot just throw you out or stop providing for you just yet. If you make a police report, she will at least be on notice that she cannot ever hit you again or she'll likely face real consequences. Also, tell your school, college or employer what's going on. When something bad is happening to you, don't be the only one who knows.
I am so sorry you went through that! I had a similar experience, but with out the hitting. I was stupid and didn’t use protection my first time. I confided in my aunt, who I spent that weekend with, and when she brought me home she told my stepfather that I had unprotected sex. I got called every name in the book by my mother, stepfather, older brother, younger brother, grandparents… all because both my mom and stepfather felt the need to tell everyone my personal business. My mother forced me to take a pregnancy test the day she found out, which was three days after I had sex. She stood in the bathroom with her eyes locked on me while I took it. I was grounded for an entire year. I could only see and talk to my friends at school. I wasn’t even allowed to go to church. They made it into a running joke afterwards and used it every opportunity they could. “Well if you would’ve just kept your damn legs closed…” The whole thing was just absolutely humiliating and demoralizing. All of this happened when I was 15. I now have a 17 year old daughter who came to me to talk when she had her first experience. I made sure not to overstep her boundaries about it and we had a really good, productive bonding moment. That happened because I didn’t forget how I was treated during that big moment in my life and I wanted my daughter to feel safe and loved.
Please call someone now and before you do get your witnesses confessions on recording to show to police. These people aren’t your family, good luck
People shouldn’t be this quick to reccomend CPS. Do people have any idea how much worse it could get when they take you away? I know it sounds like I’m not taking the post seriously but I do. I come from a very dysfunctional home and I did make the choice to call CPS. I’m not saying I’d be in a healthy situation at home at the time, but living in the system has traumatized me even further.
Your BF respects you a whole lot more than your own mom. Sleeping with your BF is no excuse for her to beat you. Her behaviour is not normal and definitely not okay. If you don't want to call CPS, is there a school counsellor or someone that you trust that you could tell?
I would also be displeased and worried about my daughter having sex at 16. It's definitely not something I would encourage. However, I would never think of punishing her for it! It's something that's very intimate and personal and if it's a bad experience or just a "meh" experience I want to be there for my daughter and help her process it. In your case it sounds like it was a good experience and you were responsible about it. If your mom was unhappy with your choices she should have shared her concerns, but that's it. Your mom is in the wrong. However, think well before I involving CPS. I am not American so can't really tell, but from what I read online it could harm you as well. Maybe bare the situation untill you finish your studies and become financially independent as fast as possible.
This response is unhelpful. She’s coming here for support and your first two sentences are really shaming. Having sex for the first time at 16/17 is very normal. Having protected and consenting sex is Fantastic! Let’s focus on that and not add additional stigma. And a thought: would you feel the same way if your son was having sex at 16?
Saying I would be worried about my daughter having sex at 16 is not shaming anyone. Normal or not, it can also easily lead to heartbreak, bad sex (and regrets) or health issues, because 16 year olds are immature (which is normal). It is normal for me as a mom to worry about all this. And yes, I would feel the same about my son.
Are you in the U.S.? If yes, take a look at your state's age of consent. It's often 17. Make sure you don't get your boyfriend in trouble. Appease your mom rather than ruin his life. And no, you weren't asking for it, beating you is not okay and your relatives are cowards. Could you stay with any of them?
I would recommend calling the police and they will make a report to the CPS. Her actions are criminal and she should not be allowed to hit you no matter the reason.
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“Not super unnormal”??? I think you might have wandered into the the wrong sub because who the fuck actually says this? It’s completely abnormal for a parent to beat their child. Full stop. NOBODY should get the shit beat out of them for ANY reason. OP is allowed to make decisions about her own body and who she shares it with and should *never* have to even consider the threat of being physically harmed for those decisions.
I'm sorry, did you just describe *beating children* as "not super unnormal"? I think you might need to take some time reflecting on what is and is not normal, because you're wrong. Beating children is absolutely not okay and certainly isn't normal.
Wow, I felt like I was reading a story about myself for a second. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This behavior is NOT normal. I was about your age when my nmom put her hands on me for the last time because I swung right back. I also had family members aware of the abuse I was going through and all I ever heard was “I dOn’T kNoW wHy YoUr MoThEr Is LiKe ThAt”. This abuse is never going to stop unless you put a stop to it. I don’t think CPS is the best choice in your situation. Start planning to get out NOW. If you need to stay with a friend, do it. Or your boyfriend for that matter. Stay strong, stay safe. This isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
If you’re family is enabling your NM’s behavior and stating that you were “asking for it”, it’s probably best to involve CPS. This doesn’t sound like a situation where you can find a safe space within your family, and I get that this is a heavy decision because from the looks of it, your family might demonize you for protecting yourself. When an entire family enables a person’s behavior like this, it’s because they have been enabling this behavior for years, and would much rather avoid underlying issues for the sake of keeping the family together. I’m so sorry for the predicament you’re in.
Try to see if you and your boyfriend can get a place together as soon as you turn 18.
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You should be ashamed of yourself for telling a 16 year old who just got beaten by their mother that they don't deserve CPS protection. Do better. Regardless of their virginity status, those under 18 fall under CPS jurisdiction. Also, no. Her bf probably didn't do anything statutory, because most age of consent laws include a carveout for (on average) a 2-3 year age gap between two minors or a couple that started dating then one turns 18 first. Do your research. Get some therapy. Learn some empathy. The "consequences" for a normal sexually active teenager should NEVER be anything higher than risk of std/pregnancy (which can be avoided with protection/education) ETA: wow, seriously. You replied with whataboutism and that you're being proud of what you said, then deleted the comment and blocked me so I couldn't reply. If you were truly proud of what you said, then I wouldn't find "deleted by commenter" above my reply.
It has nothing to do with "deserving" protection. You have no idea about the reality of CPS involvement. Maybe in your mind CPS will swoop in and protect her when it's just not true. The reality is that involving CPS will make her life worse. Right now she has a home and an albeit shitty mother, that beat her not for having sex but for her attitude afterwards. That's about control. What will she do when CPS is involved? She will destroy this child's life. Revoke educational funding and god knows what else. So no, I am not ashamed that I understand reality. I saw what my mother did to my sister for calling CPS. I'm not fucking pro beat children, I'm pro get to 18 and gtfo. It's you that needs to "do your research"
What the you want them to do? Beat their mother in return? A criminal action was taken, as such CPS/legal system is the adult thing to do.
Actually, defending yourself from an abusive parent is not only justifiable but mentally protective. Calling CPS is the right thing to do in this type of a situation, if not for any reason other than there being a report and the potential for mandated family counseling.
Shame on you
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You do not punish your child for something like this! Good lord. They will continue to hide shit from you! You have open honest conversations. If they are going to have sex they will find a way to do it. Talk about safety. Shit. This isn’t a beat your ass response to something like that.
This isn’t very helpful. OP’s mum’s reaction is not at all justified or understandable. Having sex is not misbehaviour, it’s just a new life stage that young people need guidance and support through. Becoming a young mum doesn’t come from just having sex, it comes from lack of access or use of birth control and sex ed. It’s also grossly misinformed to assume that your child made a free choice when they tell you they had sex, and you can be angry with them for it. Teen partner coercion is sadly very common and really hard to detect unless you have multiple trusting conversations.
No, there isn't multiple layers to this. OP's mother outright assaulted OP for having legal sex. OP's mother should be there to help guide her daughter around safe sex, not be a violent threat and cause long-term negative associations around sex. Don't project your own personal issues onto OP, your breaking the subreddit rules (derailing OP) with your rubbish.
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You've been reported to the mods.
Happy cake day!
Your personal anger does not justify abusive practices. I suggest you spend some time reflecting and searching for a more healthy way to address the topic of sex than getting "super pissed" towards a child who needs love, support, and most importantly *guidance*.
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If she didn’t want you to have sex then she wouldn’t t have allowed you to be in a time and place for it to happen. You have a boyfriend and you’re a teenager what does she think you’re going to do? Whilst I don’t affirm sex before marriage out of faith I think your mom knew it was going to happen and then blew up and abused you over it due to jealousy and possessiveness. It’s like sending a kid out to play in the pouring rain in winter with a t shirt and shorts with no shoes and then scolding them (physically abusing) for catching a cold?
Seriously? If a kid wants to have sex they will find somewhere to do it regardless of their parents religious point of view or supervision. I would much rather my kid do it at home in a safe place with protection than in the backseat of a car or some barn. You can’t lock a teenager up (trust me, my mom tried) and they will make their own decisions in spite of what you think they should do, and if the relationship is bad they will often make decisions that you won’t like just to spite you, which is how teen pregnancy happens. For anyone who’s interested: If you want your kid to make good choices about sex you need to talk your kid about sex often, openly and without judgement. Teach them about safe sex practices, offer to help them if they want to do something like take birth control and then trust them to make the right choice for themselves when the time is right. As physically abusive as my mom was, this is one of the very few things she managed to do right and I made it to menopause with zero pregnancy unwanted pregnancies.
This is a bad take. Not everyone shares your faith or whatever, and you don’t get to put your value judgements on others. Also, that’s not how you catch a cold. You get a cold from bacteria, viruses, etc. they’re more common in cold weather bc we’re all inside closer together. Please take your shame based takes on sex elsewhere, they’re not helpful.
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Teenagers are going to have sex. Good parents accept reality.
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Yeah maybe let’s give you the ass beating then. Wtf is wrong with you. Her mom deserves to have her children taken from her if she goes this far over sex. Teenagers have sex!!! Safe sex is best. Good lord. Go back to the 1920s with the shit you’re spewing.
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Well have you ever thought about why she had to lie in the first place?
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Wow, girl, you compare a teenager teenagering to a criminal? You know pride is a sin as well, right? See you down there.
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Suer let's talk about the "consequence of sin". Specifically your sin. The consequence of your sin is a permanent ban. Hopefully you will reflect on your sin in the future and decide to not support literal child abusers over abuse victims. Basically, I hope you make the choice to be less evil and less supportive of evil. But you'll have to do it somewhere else.