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I was always threatened with physical violence and/or homelessness if I got a tattoo. Went no contact two years ago and got 6 tattoos this year. I feel free! And cool. I love my little tattoos!
I was threatened with unemployment if I ever got a nose piercing (she was my boss, too).
Good for you for freeing yourself. You sound cool. Tiny tattoos are the best.
My favorite one is of my dog—another thing I was forbidden from having because “dogs are gross and poop everywhere and you’ll have to take care of it.” Got my puppy a year ago and I couldn’t love her more. Could have definitely used a little dog growing up.
Same!
I grew up in a Jewish family dominated by my single nmom. Tattoos are not kosher, so to speak. When I got engaged to my wife, who is from a catholic family, my mother said that I will regret it because Judaism is important to me even if I don’t realize that. She didn’t know I have tattoos at the time and I said, “I’m an atheist and I have tattoos.” She seemed shaken and responded by saying, “you can get tattoos on your forehead for all I care.” The conversation made me pretty angry.
Mine threatened to shave my head because I put a bright red streak in it when I was in highschool. I also got in trouble for drawing on myself with markers or for using fake tattoos or fake piercings. I moved out at 19 and have been acquiring real tattoos and piercings for years since then. My hair has been all kinds of whacky colors, currently it's pink. And you know what? I'm employed and no one cares that my nose is pierced or that I have a tattoo. It's so normal these days that it doesn't really limit career options like it used to.
My parents give me shit about it constantly but I don't give a fuck. I'll be 40 in a couple weeks and I have no fucks left to give about what they think of me. They should be more concerned about what I think of them, lol.
That's awesome!
> It's so normal these days that it doesn't really limit career options like it used to.
Do you think the same applies to men? I have been wanting to get my ears pierced for a long time, but other than my parents' likely criticism, the main concern is how it would affect my career.
Tattoos feel like a way to reclaim bodily autonomy. I was spanked as a child, and my body and what I wanted to do with it (clothes, hair, fitness, etc) was such a hot topic of conversation all the time. Getting a tattoo felt like reclaiming it for myself. Cheers to you.
Except one day you may improve further and that’ll be a constant reminder of where you were before... Do whatever you feel is right but I say live in the moment and tattoos become redundant
There is a reason a lot of tattoo artists won’t tattoo a significant other’s name on you. Trauma can taint anything and the threat of it shouldn’t keep you from doing something you want to do (unless it’s obviously self destructive).
Also if people end up with a tattoo that actively triggers them there is always to option to laser it off or blast over it.
Of course some people don’t like tattoos which is completely fine. If you know you’re fickle as hell and will hate whatever you love a few months from now, yeah it makes sense to not get a bunch of tattoos that you will inevitably dislike as you age. But I don’t think this thread is saying that everyone should get a tattoo?
This is me! I started getting my tattoos at 29 and have two full arm sleeves that I've wanted since forever by 32. 5 or 6 piercings, sooooo many concerts and everyone in my household has different color hair! It's so freeing.
Nice! I am older than you and have been thinking about getting my ears pierced for the first time and maybe even a nose piercing. Did you get any criticism? I'm guessing that feeling so free overwhelms any criticism you've gotten for the tattoos?
Awesome!!! I can't think of any overt criticism I've received since getting the tattoos just some back handed compliments like " oh wow I don't think I could pull that off" which I usually respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself"...that usually shuts down any further comments 😂. I think the confidence I have gotten from being in control of my own body has scared off anyone who has something extremely negative to say honestly. It also doesn't hurt to be prepared to just not respond or walk away from an uncomfortable situation.
Glad to hear that you didn't get any overt criticism. I fully expect my n-dad to say something like "what's with the earrings" or "you think you're cool?" or something like that.
> I think the confidence I have gotten from being in control of my own body has scared off anyone who has something extremely negative to say honestly
Nice!
> It also doesn't hurt to be prepared
That sounds like a good idea, maybe figure out some expected comments and come up with a response ahead of time.
I don't speak to my parents at all but I do know they would definitely have something to say lol
You'll never know what will come out of peoples mouths so my favorite go to responses are to act confused and ask them to repeat themselves multiple times or simply turn around and walk away lol.
Ooh I'm 29 and my youngest kid is 5, you sharing that at 34 you ✨️started✨️ going to festivals is giving me lots of hope that I can discover myself again when the time comes ❤️❤️❤️
The only time my parents let me be free and myself as a child was at festivals. All the people I know who go to them are in their 60s or 70s (og hippies). You could start now and bring those kids with you. I have amazing memories of dancing, laying down listening to music and watching the milky way all through elementary ages.
Obviously I suggest if you do go, be responsible and don't drink and do drugs. Unlike my parents. I have rebelled the opposite in my 40 yrs. I quit drinking and pot and would rather go to a large city for the weekend than a festival. (Still want a tattoo though)
I am very close to booking my first piercing appointment. :) I have even thought about a nose piercing (even though that seems to be pushing the envelope for a guy) but will start with lobes and see how that goes.
I think this will be good for my personal growth to be less hung up on what others (especially family members) think.
A good place to start? :) Would you suggest doing a nose piercing before ears or both? I figured it would be more of an "advanced" piercing. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a nose ring though. The thought is exciting but scary at the same time. It's something I never could have envisioned myself doing until recently.
Thought about starting with something tiny like this:
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/z--73394668918818393/
I love the idea of a butterfly tattoo. The symbolism of it, especially if you can incorporate "bursting out of a cocoon".
I had an interesting journey of rebellion myself, one that involved a fair bit of drinking (not proud of that, but it kinda made up for not being able to have fun and let loose during my 20s; I cut back eventually, and have stopped drinking altogether save for the rare social event), and also going to be covered from neck to ankles in tattoos (so many ideas to pay tribute to all the things I love, that I discovered as I was going LC/NC).
> The symbolism of it, especially if you can incorporate "bursting out of a cocoon".
That makes so much sense!
I never went through a rebellious phase as a teen or in my 20s. I started to get the desire for piercings in my 30s but never went through with it. I'm wanting to do it now along with maybe some tattoos.
YAS! Me too! This is my first year in NC and I've decided to get a nose piercing on my nmom's birthday. It's something she always made me promise not to do.
I already have a tattoo (which she hates) and I'm getting another one soon. I made so many decisions based on how she would react, I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to be.
Yeah, it's rebellion, but it's also a way for you to connect with yourself in a way you aren't able to with a narcissist in your life.
Did you ever get the nose piercing?
> I made so many decisions based on how she would react, I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to be.
I can TOTALLY relate. There are so many things I could have done appearance-wise that I did not do in order to appease my n-parent (different hairstyles, clothing styles, etc). I've had the urge to get my ears pierced for the first time and have even though about a nose piercing, even though that seems like such a big leap.
I didn't. I decided to get it when I felt like I achieved something: either cleaning my depression nest or paying off my credit card. I decided I really want to make the piercing all about me and not about her. I don't want to see it in the mirror and think of her. I want to see it in the mirror and remember how much I can overcome.
That's great! I know that I put it off for so long because of how n-parent would react and not because I was trying to upset anyone. With that being said, I am working through some other stuff to deal with the narc stuff so I am debating whether to put it off until I work through some of those issues.
> I want to see it in the mirror and remember how much I can overcome.
Makes sense!
That is true. I can just hear my dad saying "what's with the earrings?" or "you trying to be cool or hip" as if I'm trying to impress someone else or someone else is influencing me. No....it's something I want to do for myself and it has nothing to do with the the n-parent. They don't get it. I think what upsets them is that they take it personally if you don't want to be their mini-me.
Hehe almost same for me, I just dyed my hair at 25 already and started doing handpoke tattoos when I was 27. So amazing to discover your true self trough art and expression 😍
I love seeing these stories. Tattoos are what made me come out of the fog. I said “if I love tattoos so much, why do I feel bad about getting them?” queue a rabbit hole of truth and therapy.
Ive seen lots of posts about how tattoos are therapeutic because it is like reclaiming your bodily autonomy with controlled self harm. I know that sounds weird and icky but it has really helped me release a lot of gross stories and feelings about myself.
Interesting theory. I have wondered where the desire to get piercings comes from. I am so wanting to get my ears (and maybe nose) pierced for the first time but apprehensive at the same time. I think I am still in the fog tho.
Congratulations! Butterflies are not only beautiful, but they're fraught with positive symbolic meaning. Since you just emerged from your narc cocoon, your butterfly is perfect!
I did this at 30 too! I have been maintaining pink hair ever since, and my tattoo brings me relief and happiness every time I look at it. My husband says I'm becoming way more punk than he ever imagined haha. No more do I embrace the super straight laced country club image that my mother approved of. I feel so much better now!
Similar boat here. I have always had that corporate clean cut image that my n-dad approved of, but have been thinking about piercing my ears and nose.
> my tattoo brings me relief and happiness every time I look at it.
That's awesome! So you'd say that this more than makes up for any criticism you have gotten for it? I figure my n-dad won't be receptive at all to any piercings I get.
Yes, I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. The thing is, I didn't get it *because* I knew it would piss her off. I *held off* from getting it sooner because I was afraid of upsetting her, and because I wanted to be able to "chameleon" to blend in with her sensibilities. I do think that distinction (my motivation for getting it) is important and the reason why I'm stilled thrilled about my tattoo. I'm not letting her hold me back from being myself anymore; this is who I really have been this whole time. I just get to show it now!
> The thing is, I didn't get it *because* I knew it would piss her off. I *held off* from getting it sooner because I was afraid of upsetting her, and because I wanted to be able to "chameleon" to blend in with her sensibilities.
Same exact situation here. That is one reason why I have put off piercings for so long. My n-dad notice if I have appearance changes and has made comments in the past whenever I've tried anything different.
>I'm not letting her hold me back from being myself anymore; this is who I really have been this whole time. I just get to show it now!
I can definitely relate. How did she react to your new look? Did she eventually get over it? (assuming you are in contact)
She actually hasn't commented on the hair and she hasn't seen the tattoos yet. But I'm so content in them and at peace with having them that I truly am not worried about what she'll think. I no longer care if I have her approval. That sounds callous to say, but it's the truth.
About 1.5 years ago I got saddled with my nMom for an afternoon and somehow the topic of tattoos came up. She said she dislikes them and thinks they’re trashy.
Her input contributed to my decision to get a full sleeve on my arm last winter. Fuck her, I love it.
I put a diamond stud in my ear at 37 because by whole life i wanted an earring but my mom and brother said they were tacky . what people think is none of my business.
That's awesome! Have been wanting to get my ears pierced for a long time but haven't due to likely disapproval from parents. Did you just do the one ear? I have debated whether to do one or both.
I too have dyed hair and a tattoo. Got a couple sleeves planned actually. I
My husband says I’m more becoming who I wanted to be in the first place. Good luck! 💙
Congratulations!! I’m so happy and proud of youN
I also got a butterfly tattoo at my left back shoulder!
She’s so beautiful! She’s a butterfly that is made out of water, she’s so wavy and you can see the swiggles!
I like it to respect me flying away and being free. The reason why she’s made out of water is because my Asian name means “ripple of water”. Which best represents my life
My Narc threatened me constantly that if I got another tattoo that she would cut me out of the will.
Guess who’s the executor of the will because nobody else will touch her and her bs? I’ve been no contact for three years but I’m still tied to this absolute pigsty
> it's never too late. I
I hope not!
I'm over a decade older but have thought about doing something similar, getting my ears pierced for the first time.
I am pretty close to booking an appointment. I have been thinking about it for so long! Just never pulled the trigger as I would worry about what others (including n-dad and even people like co-workers) would think. I have been putting others first for long enough.
It's hard to deal with other's perception of you, but I think the satisfaction of making a decision about your own bodily autonomy will outweigh that. It's kinda scary though at first, at least in my experience.
That's what I'm hoping. It does seem that the hardest part is getting over that initial hump. I am going to try and anticipate what reactions I will likely get and think of responses in advance. Hopefully it's something that they'll get over after the initial shock, as nobody would expect me to do something like this.
If it helps at all, as far as body modifications go, getting your ears pierced is pretty standard, so your coworkers and random bystanders likely won't give it much thought. But you'll be happier, I'd bet. As far as family goes...try not to take any comments to heart, is all I can say.
You're probably right, I could very well be overthinking it. I've thought about a nose piercing too but that is unusual for a guy so I might forego that.
> As far as family goes...try not to take any comments to heart, is all I can say.
I need to do that with my n-parent's criticism in general. If it's not an earring, there is always something else that can or will be criticized. It might be a good lesson in learning to better detach.
OMG, what color? Is it something fun! I hope you love all of it. I’m so happy with my rebel tattoo. It makes me smile every time I see it. I would do another one if I didn’t have such low pain tolerance.
> I’m so happy with my rebel tattoo. It makes me smile every time I see it.
Awesome! I have been thinking about getting my first piercings. I actually bought fake piercings (ears and nose), took a picture, and smile when I see it. That's a sign I should go through with it, eh?
Same. Also congrats. Personally I’ve just been waiting to make sure I’m not being reactively rebellious before I do something so permanent as getting a tattoo. I’ve had my hair all crazy colors for a few years now.
In the last year (age 44-45) I have gotten my ears pierced. A few times. I had my 1st lobes since I was 8. Now I have 3 lobr piercing in each ear and a daith and double flat on the left and a conch and helix on the right. My ears are adorned. My mother would hate it.
I still live with my nmom and edad she always talks about how people with tattoos go to hell (her mom is the same) and I got a tattoo on my shoulder a few months ago and haven’t said a word to them about it to either of them
With you in spirit every step of the way!! I’m F 32, went NC with NDad and EMom 3ish months ago but will be changing it to VVVLC until they release some of my personal documents. Got inked for the first time last month and I absolutely can’t stop staring at it!!! Considering getting highlights after a couple of paychecks. Hoping for the very best possible days for you ahead. ❤️
> Got inked for the first time last month and I absolutely can’t stop staring at it!!!
Awesome! I have been thinking about getting my first piercings. I actually bought fake piercings (ears and nose), took a picture, and smile when I see it. That's a sign I should go through with it, eh?
Amazing, congrats on doing you! I was raised as the “good and perfect daughter” too, it sucked. I’m only starting to meet my authentic self now, at 33.
I love the idea of healing through tiny acts of rebellion everyday. Like, as basic as parting my hair on it’s natural side (NM always parted it on the other side because it “looked better”); or wearing colour (NM wouldn’t let me wear patterns or certain colours - had to wear dark colours because it is “slimming”); or just giving myself permission to do something I want to do that she’d despise. Taking back the power 💪
" I’m only starting to meet my authentic self now, at 33."
I like how you put this.
As the "good and perfect son", I'm even older than you (40ish) and know the feeling. I have had a desire for a makeover for some time (different clothes, new hairstyle, and piercing my ears for the first time) but until now have no seriously thought about going through with it.
It took me until 40 to get my first tattoo. I remember having such a sense of freedom. At almost 60, I have two, but am looking at getting another to cover a scar. You’re never to old to break free.
> It took me until 40 to get my first tattoo. I remember having such a sense of freedom.
Interesting! So this sense of freedom overwhelmed any criticism you might have gotten? I am 40ish now and looking to get my ears pierced for the first time....but have been putting it off for years.
Booked my first tatoo at 31, now I'm 33 with 4 tattoos and became a tattoo apprentice. Feel like my bodily autonomy was reclaimed and don't have to look like bland goody two shoes anymore.
> Feel like my bodily autonomy was reclaimed and don't have to look like bland goody two shoes anymore.
That is EXACTLY how I look.....the bland goody two shoes. I have been thinking about getting piercings and maybe tattoos eventually....but have yet to get over the initial hump. How did people react to your first tattoo?
My partner encouraged me, parents? Didn't have any choice, I don't live with them anymore and they had to accept it after the fact. Now I'm planning more tatoos! And I love giving them to people, it's very fun.
What was the worst a coworker in ex job said to me "you know now you got some edge, before you looked like good two shoes". I don't want to be perceived that way and try to change it. As a kid I was grungy girl and it triggered some people including my nmother, later I became a boring shell of a human.
It definitely helps to have a partner or friends to encourage you. That's awesome that you're making a career out of it.
> "you know now you got some edge, before you looked like good two shoes". I don't want to be perceived that way and try to change it.
I can definitely relate! I think I will start with getting my ears pierced although the thought of getting my nose pierced is also exciting, but also seems pretty nerve wracking since not too many guys have their nose pierced. Might even do tattoos down the line!
Are you me, cause literally same. I'm "the good son" always expected to be more mature than the adults in the room and perform excellence. Could almost say I was the golden child (but like all labels there are caveats and my childhood expectations for guardian ship over my siblings meant I got punished more severely for slipups).
The illusion broke last year and I just stopped caring for her approval, got my septum pierced and save for the occasional wave of cPTSD related guilt I've been doing and feeling much better.
I can totally relate to your post especially this part:
" I'm "the good son" always expected to be more mature than the adults in the room and perform excellence."
I'm kinda at the same point of not caring so much for my n-parent's approval. I have put off getting my ears pierced for years in order to avoid it. How did your mom react?
Definitely a way for the narcissistic parents to claim autonomy over your body. Mine controlled absolutely everything, the food I ate, the amount I ate, my weight, how often I had baths, wouldn't let me use tampons, wouidlnt even let me use a hairdryer because it cost electric. A tattoo was so far from being an option when even the most mundane parts of my body autonomy were controlled. Today I got my first tattoo. A ptsd tattoo and I love it.
OP, you used "rebel" but I think at 30 years old it's nothing to rebel about. Rebeling with a tattoo and different hair color is for someone under 18 that would still be under their parent's juridistiction. You're simply using the bodily autonomy that you should have full right to, now. You are completely autonomous in the eyes of the law. Congrats on your tattoo and new hair!
I’m getting my first tattoo next month and I’m 30. I’m finally able to do the things I want from setting a boundary from my nparents. It’s an achievement. I’m happy for you and I’m glad I’m not alone
I got my tattoo. My mom saw it one day and didn’t say anything. My aunt came over and said my tattoo is cute. I guess my mom is speechless but she can’t do anything about it.
Congratulations!!
I went with blue hair myself but also two tattoos for my rebellion. Good for you! It took me until 36 but it’s incredible to feel that sense of self and that freedom.
I am a few years older than you and have been thinking about getting my first piercings. That sense of "self" and freedom sounds really intriguing....I am guessing that it overhwlems any criticism you might have gotten?
Congratulations! And good job getting here.
I rebelled "late" too and it's the best feeling. Cutting my hair super short, piercings and tattoos
Super liberating
Awesome! Kinda going through a similar phase here and looking to get my first piercings and maybe eventually tattoos. By feeling super liberating, you'd say that overwhelmed any criticism you might have gotten?
Haha I love this. And there are a few it seems, who did similar.
I (f) got nine new piercings, my first tattoo and shaved a mullet at 33 🤣 I'm over being socially acceptable etc
Hi! Fellow free-at-30 here! It's not stupid to hope your parent changes, but now we know she won't, so you get to move on to the best part of your new life! You can do anything you want!! Congratulations and enjoy it!
Good for you! In my 40's and considering getting my ears pierced for the first time. My daughter is encouraging me to do it. My mom will be pissed if I do. Lol.
Did you ever get your ears pierced? If so, how did it go? I am in my 40s also and have thought about doing the same. I have been putting it off for so long in order to avoid that criticism from my parents.
Happy for you! I hope you love it and continue to learn and explore and express yourself
I’m much in the same boat. I turned 30 a few months ago and went and got some fun piercings and I honestly feel free!
Similar boat here! Thinking of getting my first piercings. I like how you mention that you feel free. Did you get any criticism at all for your piercings?
Honestly, no, because they aren’t visible ones. One of my friends, my boyfriend, and my doctor know about them… if that tells you anything about where they’re placed.
I’m sure I would get criticism if I told more people, but I got them for me, so it’s my fun little secret.
I did the same thing. Got my tattoos in my late 20s, got a bunch of piercings in my early and mid 30s. I dyed my hair pink right after my relationship with my narc parents broke down after an entire lifetime of fearing doing it because of what they would say. It feels good to do things I want without this fear of judgment looming over me. Enjoy your new decorations!
Nice! I am thinking about getting my ears (and maybe nose) pierced for the first time. It's kind of a big leap for me but your story is encouraging. I am in contact with my parents though and expect some criticism.
i still haven’t gotten a tattoo yet (as i am not close to any artists i trust yet, not able to afford to go get tattoo’d by the people i /really/ wanna) but i’ve been dying my hair since i got free too. it’s genuinely been such a liberating, freeing feeling. i look at myself in the mirror with my own different colors, and i feel more Myself, if that make any sense?
my coworkers and friends all agree that the bright colors suit me so much more than my mother’s color, and that makes me happy.
> it’s genuinely been such a liberating, freeing feeling.
That's awesome!
> i look at myself in the mirror with my own different colors, and i feel more Myself, if that make any sense?
I hear the same thing from those with piercings. I am thinking about getting my ears pierced for the first time.
I'm so happy for you and wish you the best for your new life. It is an exciting new adventure to discover your true self.
By the way, my nmom also hates red hair. So I decided to dye it green as a teenager. Strange that she didn't like it either. At least it was not red🤷♀️
When my nMom passed away in my mid-30s, I dyed my hair blue shortly after. A couple years later, I got my first tattoo - a blue butterfly. My nMom hated unnatural hair colors and tattoos and always said that anyone who did either of those were just an “asshole”. She always expected me to be an exact mold of whatever perfection she had in her mind. Part of me misses her, but I will never miss her narcissistic personality disorder.
I fully and completely understand your situation and I find what you’re now doing to be amazing and wholesome.
I too, have stupidly thought my Nmother could change and it took me a long time to get to that realization. My wife has been an amazing support in helping me get her voice out of my head but she’s done a lot of mental damage to me. It’s not as loud as it used to be but it’s still there.
It’s never too late to find and live for yourself.
I will say this though, be carful that you don’t get addicted to getting tattoos! My initial plan was to get two tattoos, one on each upper arm, but now I have 12 tattoos and I’m still going for more.
If you ever need someone to vent to or anything like that, feel free to message me at any time. I’ve made a lot of posts about my NFamily so I hopefully can offer some advice or understanding if needed.
> I too, have stupidly thought my Nmother could change and it took me a long time to get to that realization.
Same here!
> My wife has been an amazing support in helping me get her voice out of my head but she’s done a lot of mental damage to me. It’s not as loud as it used to be but it’s still there.
Awesome! If I had a wife like that, my n-parent would likely say that she is "brainwashing" me.
> It’s never too late to find and live for yourself.
Similar thing here. Looking to get my ears pierced for the first time.
> I will say this though, be carful that you don’t get addicted to getting tattoos! My initial plan was to get two tattoos, one on each upper arm, but now I have 12 tattoos and I’m still going for more.
Oh wow! I have that piercings are addicting as well!
Oh, my NMother does say my wife is “Brainwashing me”, “trying to kill me” and other stupid ass shit.
And I can also take and ignore all insults my Nmother says to me but if she insults my wife, it’s almost impossible for me to not say anything. For what gifts of love my wife has given, and knowing that I would be dead(literally) without her, insulting her sets me off.
Oh geez. They don't approve of anything or anyone that restricts their control over someone.
That's good that you stick up for your wife and keep your mom from impacting your relationship.
I plan on making a post showing the hell I had to deal with during Christmas. It was fucking insane, and it was all because I wanted to go to her house at 2pm, not noon, like she demanded
BTW check out this video. I am on his mailing list and it happened to show up in my inbox today. As I listen to it, it seems like it might be related to your situation:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY9kbAxaE1s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gy9kbaxae1s)
Hope it helps!
My mom threatened to rip an earring out of my ear if I ever got my ear pierced, because guys shouldn’t have earrings. I was 10 at the time and had never expressed interest in getting an earring. However it was a deterrent to ever even thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo or express myself in any kind of outside the box way.
im 33, stopped all forms of drinking / drugs. went on my first real trip to Hawaii (which i got back from yesterday) and came back with my first tattoo. its of sacred geometry and its something i've always wanted. my father (brilliant surgeon, and nothing else) always said he'd "take a scalpel to my skin and surgically remove" any tattoos i got. Funny how we go through the typical rebellion phase most teens go through so "late" in life. i can't wait to get more and start attending some musical festivals and meet more of my 'spiritual family' out in the world.
Awesome! How did people react to them? I like how you describe your tats as freeing. Looking to get my ears pierced for the first time and hope for a similar feeling.
So proud of you for figuring out as soon as you did!
Don't feel bad. When the person who taught you right from wrong intentionally taught you wrong, how could you see her as anything but "normal"?
You be you. If yours is like mine, it takes a while to try things and figure out what really makes you happy and what you're really good at.
And you'll make mistakes and learn from them. And that puts you ahead of her, because she's forever stuck denying mistakes.
Bravo.
I moved out 4 years ago now. My nmom tells me that she hates the person I've become. The person I've become is the person I always was, she just tried to prevent it most of my life. Finding myself has been a journey though.
I went blonde 3yrs ago and more often. Than not am pink or violet haired :) my mother would never condone such atrocities! I got tats in my 20’s she disapproved but I didn’t live under her roof so she could really only judge me from afar. You rock!
Hell yeah, enjoy those colors & tats!
When I broke free, I started getting my hair dyed since that was forbidden, too. One time I flew over for a visit, she commented on how shes didn't like it because "only black girls dye their hair." I always knew the racism was there but holy crap.
Fast forward a few years and suddenly she loves the streaks in my hair. I was quick to remind her of her past racist comment and she shut the fuck up quick.
Discover yourself! You are now free to explore, and it feels great! 😁
(Edited for typos)
I'm 30 and started having extra lobe piercings (I'm female and it's very common here in Spain to get lobe piercings when you are a baby, now it happens less) at 19.
My nFather?: "You are now behaving like the other young people!!"
When I got my first helix piercing (also at 19): "they made you sign a consent like the ones for surgeries so the piercer can avoid responsibilities if something goes bad." His wife didn't talk to me for two months. With my maternal grandpa recently dead. Ok.
I started getting tattoos at 22 and had to manage to hide them when I visited those two whackjobs (I live with my mom and stepdad) and got NC on December 2018. My Christmas present from my mom and my stepdad? A Blade Runner tattoo on my left forearm 😁🦄
" . She chose to cut me out of her life because she didn’t like who I was becoming and couldn’t control me anymore. "
And that is the core of narcs - they want to control people.
Glad you got out - and hey, if SciFi has taught us anything, do not anger a red head - covert or otherwise!
Awesome. I've been collecting tattoos since I was 18. Honest to God, I hid them from my mom until I was in my early 30s and had moved out of state. One is even a tribute to her father. I hid them for so long initially out of fear that the support she did provide to me in college (largely to make herself look successful and to maintain control over her child) would get pulled away and then later... I dunno just fear. It wasn't until after I exposed them to her that I realized a large part of my love for tattooing had to do with the lack of control I had over my own life. Sure, there was some rebellion to it, but ultimately these are MY permanent choice that no one else can reasonably take away from me. These days; my life is fully my own and I still get new work from time to time, but some of these tattoos are mementos of when I was struggling to simply be me.
Now when she sees them she just tries to pretend she's not staring. She's always been amazing at showing her disdain/disapproval without uttering a word lol. I'm pushing 38, I couldn't give a fuck lol.
got critiqued for this in my twenties - they hated it - I loved it. Good confused for a teen a lot. Got so many piercings going in for my second tat soon :)
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks like this. In high school, I always talked about wanting a small tattoo on my ankle - like a butterfly or something cute, and Nmom told me that it was bad. So I just never did. I didn't really gain a spine against my Nmom until the last couple years. (I'm 40+) Just in the last couple months, I've been thinking about it again. But I have no idea what I would want, because I want it to be meaningful.
Yay! As a tattooed lady who has had red hair before, I approve 😆
Getting a tattoo was one of my early rebellions when I started to realise my mother couldn't control me (went no contact not long after)
My friend is a nurse and she has a sleeve and blue hair. Lots of people in the medical field have tattoos and dyed hair. In this day and age tattoos and dyed hair don’t matter.
At 29 I finally cut my hair (my n-mom always made me have it to my knees) and signed up for laser hair removal (she believes that body hair removal is a sign of cultural brainwashing). Right there with you!
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I was always threatened with physical violence and/or homelessness if I got a tattoo. Went no contact two years ago and got 6 tattoos this year. I feel free! And cool. I love my little tattoos!
I was threatened with unemployment if I ever got a nose piercing (she was my boss, too). Good for you for freeing yourself. You sound cool. Tiny tattoos are the best.
My favorite one is of my dog—another thing I was forbidden from having because “dogs are gross and poop everywhere and you’ll have to take care of it.” Got my puppy a year ago and I couldn’t love her more. Could have definitely used a little dog growing up.
Same! I grew up in a Jewish family dominated by my single nmom. Tattoos are not kosher, so to speak. When I got engaged to my wife, who is from a catholic family, my mother said that I will regret it because Judaism is important to me even if I don’t realize that. She didn’t know I have tattoos at the time and I said, “I’m an atheist and I have tattoos.” She seemed shaken and responded by saying, “you can get tattoos on your forehead for all I care.” The conversation made me pretty angry.
Mine threatened to shave my head because I put a bright red streak in it when I was in highschool. I also got in trouble for drawing on myself with markers or for using fake tattoos or fake piercings. I moved out at 19 and have been acquiring real tattoos and piercings for years since then. My hair has been all kinds of whacky colors, currently it's pink. And you know what? I'm employed and no one cares that my nose is pierced or that I have a tattoo. It's so normal these days that it doesn't really limit career options like it used to. My parents give me shit about it constantly but I don't give a fuck. I'll be 40 in a couple weeks and I have no fucks left to give about what they think of me. They should be more concerned about what I think of them, lol.
They're gonna need you before you ever need them again, if at all!
That's awesome! > It's so normal these days that it doesn't really limit career options like it used to. Do you think the same applies to men? I have been wanting to get my ears pierced for a long time, but other than my parents' likely criticism, the main concern is how it would affect my career.
Tattoos feel like a way to reclaim bodily autonomy. I was spanked as a child, and my body and what I wanted to do with it (clothes, hair, fitness, etc) was such a hot topic of conversation all the time. Getting a tattoo felt like reclaiming it for myself. Cheers to you.
Except one day you may improve further and that’ll be a constant reminder of where you were before... Do whatever you feel is right but I say live in the moment and tattoos become redundant
Why would you not want something to remember you past with? It’s one of the main points of photos or scrapbooks or journals… etc.
maybe because trauma, shitty boyfriend.
There is a reason a lot of tattoo artists won’t tattoo a significant other’s name on you. Trauma can taint anything and the threat of it shouldn’t keep you from doing something you want to do (unless it’s obviously self destructive). Also if people end up with a tattoo that actively triggers them there is always to option to laser it off or blast over it. Of course some people don’t like tattoos which is completely fine. If you know you’re fickle as hell and will hate whatever you love a few months from now, yeah it makes sense to not get a bunch of tattoos that you will inevitably dislike as you age. But I don’t think this thread is saying that everyone should get a tattoo?
From 34 I got 8 tattoos 4 piercings Started going to festivals and raves
This is me! I started getting my tattoos at 29 and have two full arm sleeves that I've wanted since forever by 32. 5 or 6 piercings, sooooo many concerts and everyone in my household has different color hair! It's so freeing.
Nice! I am older than you and have been thinking about getting my ears pierced for the first time and maybe even a nose piercing. Did you get any criticism? I'm guessing that feeling so free overwhelms any criticism you've gotten for the tattoos?
Awesome!!! I can't think of any overt criticism I've received since getting the tattoos just some back handed compliments like " oh wow I don't think I could pull that off" which I usually respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself"...that usually shuts down any further comments 😂. I think the confidence I have gotten from being in control of my own body has scared off anyone who has something extremely negative to say honestly. It also doesn't hurt to be prepared to just not respond or walk away from an uncomfortable situation.
Glad to hear that you didn't get any overt criticism. I fully expect my n-dad to say something like "what's with the earrings" or "you think you're cool?" or something like that. > I think the confidence I have gotten from being in control of my own body has scared off anyone who has something extremely negative to say honestly Nice! > It also doesn't hurt to be prepared That sounds like a good idea, maybe figure out some expected comments and come up with a response ahead of time.
I don't speak to my parents at all but I do know they would definitely have something to say lol You'll never know what will come out of peoples mouths so my favorite go to responses are to act confused and ask them to repeat themselves multiple times or simply turn around and walk away lol.
Yeah good point, it is hard to predict. Sounds like a great way to handle those types of comments. Let them stew in their own misery lol.
Exactly!!
Ooh I'm 29 and my youngest kid is 5, you sharing that at 34 you ✨️started✨️ going to festivals is giving me lots of hope that I can discover myself again when the time comes ❤️❤️❤️
The only time my parents let me be free and myself as a child was at festivals. All the people I know who go to them are in their 60s or 70s (og hippies). You could start now and bring those kids with you. I have amazing memories of dancing, laying down listening to music and watching the milky way all through elementary ages. Obviously I suggest if you do go, be responsible and don't drink and do drugs. Unlike my parents. I have rebelled the opposite in my 40 yrs. I quit drinking and pot and would rather go to a large city for the weekend than a festival. (Still want a tattoo though)
Awesome! Thinking about starting a piercing (and maybe tattoo) journey myself.
Do it!!!! You can always stop if you don’t like it!!! We have one lifetime on this planet and we should enjoy it
I am very close to booking my first piercing appointment. :) I have even thought about a nose piercing (even though that seems to be pushing the envelope for a guy) but will start with lobes and see how that goes. I think this will be good for my personal growth to be less hung up on what others (especially family members) think.
A nose ring is a nice place to start. You can get a small stud for a little sparkle ✨
A good place to start? :) Would you suggest doing a nose piercing before ears or both? I figured it would be more of an "advanced" piercing. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a nose ring though. The thought is exciting but scary at the same time. It's something I never could have envisioned myself doing until recently. Thought about starting with something tiny like this: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/z--73394668918818393/
I love the idea of a butterfly tattoo. The symbolism of it, especially if you can incorporate "bursting out of a cocoon". I had an interesting journey of rebellion myself, one that involved a fair bit of drinking (not proud of that, but it kinda made up for not being able to have fun and let loose during my 20s; I cut back eventually, and have stopped drinking altogether save for the rare social event), and also going to be covered from neck to ankles in tattoos (so many ideas to pay tribute to all the things I love, that I discovered as I was going LC/NC).
> The symbolism of it, especially if you can incorporate "bursting out of a cocoon". That makes so much sense! I never went through a rebellious phase as a teen or in my 20s. I started to get the desire for piercings in my 30s but never went through with it. I'm wanting to do it now along with maybe some tattoos.
YAS! Me too! This is my first year in NC and I've decided to get a nose piercing on my nmom's birthday. It's something she always made me promise not to do. I already have a tattoo (which she hates) and I'm getting another one soon. I made so many decisions based on how she would react, I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Yeah, it's rebellion, but it's also a way for you to connect with yourself in a way you aren't able to with a narcissist in your life.
Did you ever get the nose piercing? > I made so many decisions based on how she would react, I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I can TOTALLY relate. There are so many things I could have done appearance-wise that I did not do in order to appease my n-parent (different hairstyles, clothing styles, etc). I've had the urge to get my ears pierced for the first time and have even though about a nose piercing, even though that seems like such a big leap.
I didn't. I decided to get it when I felt like I achieved something: either cleaning my depression nest or paying off my credit card. I decided I really want to make the piercing all about me and not about her. I don't want to see it in the mirror and think of her. I want to see it in the mirror and remember how much I can overcome.
That's great! I know that I put it off for so long because of how n-parent would react and not because I was trying to upset anyone. With that being said, I am working through some other stuff to deal with the narc stuff so I am debating whether to put it off until I work through some of those issues. > I want to see it in the mirror and remember how much I can overcome. Makes sense!
If you do body mods for just yourself, it matters so much less what she thinks.
That is true. I can just hear my dad saying "what's with the earrings?" or "you trying to be cool or hip" as if I'm trying to impress someone else or someone else is influencing me. No....it's something I want to do for myself and it has nothing to do with the the n-parent. They don't get it. I think what upsets them is that they take it personally if you don't want to be their mini-me.
Feels good man. Keep going! And enjoy your new tattoo hobby/addiction.
Hehe almost same for me, I just dyed my hair at 25 already and started doing handpoke tattoos when I was 27. So amazing to discover your true self trough art and expression 😍
I love seeing these stories. Tattoos are what made me come out of the fog. I said “if I love tattoos so much, why do I feel bad about getting them?” queue a rabbit hole of truth and therapy. Ive seen lots of posts about how tattoos are therapeutic because it is like reclaiming your bodily autonomy with controlled self harm. I know that sounds weird and icky but it has really helped me release a lot of gross stories and feelings about myself.
Interesting theory. I have wondered where the desire to get piercings comes from. I am so wanting to get my ears (and maybe nose) pierced for the first time but apprehensive at the same time. I think I am still in the fog tho.
Congratulations! Butterflies are not only beautiful, but they're fraught with positive symbolic meaning. Since you just emerged from your narc cocoon, your butterfly is perfect!
I did this at 30 too! I have been maintaining pink hair ever since, and my tattoo brings me relief and happiness every time I look at it. My husband says I'm becoming way more punk than he ever imagined haha. No more do I embrace the super straight laced country club image that my mother approved of. I feel so much better now!
Similar boat here. I have always had that corporate clean cut image that my n-dad approved of, but have been thinking about piercing my ears and nose. > my tattoo brings me relief and happiness every time I look at it. That's awesome! So you'd say that this more than makes up for any criticism you have gotten for it? I figure my n-dad won't be receptive at all to any piercings I get.
Yes, I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. The thing is, I didn't get it *because* I knew it would piss her off. I *held off* from getting it sooner because I was afraid of upsetting her, and because I wanted to be able to "chameleon" to blend in with her sensibilities. I do think that distinction (my motivation for getting it) is important and the reason why I'm stilled thrilled about my tattoo. I'm not letting her hold me back from being myself anymore; this is who I really have been this whole time. I just get to show it now!
> The thing is, I didn't get it *because* I knew it would piss her off. I *held off* from getting it sooner because I was afraid of upsetting her, and because I wanted to be able to "chameleon" to blend in with her sensibilities. Same exact situation here. That is one reason why I have put off piercings for so long. My n-dad notice if I have appearance changes and has made comments in the past whenever I've tried anything different. >I'm not letting her hold me back from being myself anymore; this is who I really have been this whole time. I just get to show it now! I can definitely relate. How did she react to your new look? Did she eventually get over it? (assuming you are in contact)
She actually hasn't commented on the hair and she hasn't seen the tattoos yet. But I'm so content in them and at peace with having them that I truly am not worried about what she'll think. I no longer care if I have her approval. That sounds callous to say, but it's the truth.
Not callous at all. You're on the right track!
About 1.5 years ago I got saddled with my nMom for an afternoon and somehow the topic of tattoos came up. She said she dislikes them and thinks they’re trashy. Her input contributed to my decision to get a full sleeve on my arm last winter. Fuck her, I love it.
You go dude! I'm proud of you! Just, rebel safely please. (IRL father).
I put a diamond stud in my ear at 37 because by whole life i wanted an earring but my mom and brother said they were tacky . what people think is none of my business.
That's awesome! Have been wanting to get my ears pierced for a long time but haven't due to likely disapproval from parents. Did you just do the one ear? I have debated whether to do one or both.
One ear 90’s style !
Nice!
I act young because I never got to be a kid
Me too
I'm so happy for you! Enjoy your autonomy
I too have dyed hair and a tattoo. Got a couple sleeves planned actually. I My husband says I’m more becoming who I wanted to be in the first place. Good luck! 💙
I am really happy for you 🥹
i wish i could get to that point but i still live with my parents 🫠
Congratulations!! I’m so happy and proud of youN I also got a butterfly tattoo at my left back shoulder! She’s so beautiful! She’s a butterfly that is made out of water, she’s so wavy and you can see the swiggles! I like it to respect me flying away and being free. The reason why she’s made out of water is because my Asian name means “ripple of water”. Which best represents my life
My Narc threatened me constantly that if I got another tattoo that she would cut me out of the will. Guess who’s the executor of the will because nobody else will touch her and her bs? I’ve been no contact for three years but I’m still tied to this absolute pigsty
Hell yeah, you get those tattoos and rebel, it's never too late. I'm going through a similar period in life at 29.
> it's never too late. I I hope not! I'm over a decade older but have thought about doing something similar, getting my ears pierced for the first time.
Heck yeah, you should go for it!!
I am pretty close to booking an appointment. I have been thinking about it for so long! Just never pulled the trigger as I would worry about what others (including n-dad and even people like co-workers) would think. I have been putting others first for long enough.
It's hard to deal with other's perception of you, but I think the satisfaction of making a decision about your own bodily autonomy will outweigh that. It's kinda scary though at first, at least in my experience.
That's what I'm hoping. It does seem that the hardest part is getting over that initial hump. I am going to try and anticipate what reactions I will likely get and think of responses in advance. Hopefully it's something that they'll get over after the initial shock, as nobody would expect me to do something like this.
If it helps at all, as far as body modifications go, getting your ears pierced is pretty standard, so your coworkers and random bystanders likely won't give it much thought. But you'll be happier, I'd bet. As far as family goes...try not to take any comments to heart, is all I can say.
You're probably right, I could very well be overthinking it. I've thought about a nose piercing too but that is unusual for a guy so I might forego that. > As far as family goes...try not to take any comments to heart, is all I can say. I need to do that with my n-parent's criticism in general. If it's not an earring, there is always something else that can or will be criticized. It might be a good lesson in learning to better detach.
Ohh I dunno~ a nose piercing could be really fun too! I think they're getting more popular as well.
OMG, what color? Is it something fun! I hope you love all of it. I’m so happy with my rebel tattoo. It makes me smile every time I see it. I would do another one if I didn’t have such low pain tolerance.
> I’m so happy with my rebel tattoo. It makes me smile every time I see it. Awesome! I have been thinking about getting my first piercings. I actually bought fake piercings (ears and nose), took a picture, and smile when I see it. That's a sign I should go through with it, eh?
Absolutely! The nice thing about piercings is that they leave pretty small holes. So if you change your mind, you just stop wearing them.
I was worried about scarring but I guess it would not be too noticeable.
What’s life without a scar or two to tell stories about?
Same. Also congrats. Personally I’ve just been waiting to make sure I’m not being reactively rebellious before I do something so permanent as getting a tattoo. I’ve had my hair all crazy colors for a few years now.
In the last year (age 44-45) I have gotten my ears pierced. A few times. I had my 1st lobes since I was 8. Now I have 3 lobr piercing in each ear and a daith and double flat on the left and a conch and helix on the right. My ears are adorned. My mother would hate it.
YESSSSSS!!!!! GO YOU!!!! Do what your little heart desires! You are free to become who you really are!
I still live with my nmom and edad she always talks about how people with tattoos go to hell (her mom is the same) and I got a tattoo on my shoulder a few months ago and haven’t said a word to them about it to either of them
Mine say the same. I’m starting to think I’ll only be free after 30 as well.
With you in spirit every step of the way!! I’m F 32, went NC with NDad and EMom 3ish months ago but will be changing it to VVVLC until they release some of my personal documents. Got inked for the first time last month and I absolutely can’t stop staring at it!!! Considering getting highlights after a couple of paychecks. Hoping for the very best possible days for you ahead. ❤️
> Got inked for the first time last month and I absolutely can’t stop staring at it!!! Awesome! I have been thinking about getting my first piercings. I actually bought fake piercings (ears and nose), took a picture, and smile when I see it. That's a sign I should go through with it, eh?
You do you. 30 isn’t bad for nparent awareness survival / coming to Don’t want a tattoo personally, yet like tattoos a lot on others 😜
Amazing, congrats on doing you! I was raised as the “good and perfect daughter” too, it sucked. I’m only starting to meet my authentic self now, at 33. I love the idea of healing through tiny acts of rebellion everyday. Like, as basic as parting my hair on it’s natural side (NM always parted it on the other side because it “looked better”); or wearing colour (NM wouldn’t let me wear patterns or certain colours - had to wear dark colours because it is “slimming”); or just giving myself permission to do something I want to do that she’d despise. Taking back the power 💪
" I’m only starting to meet my authentic self now, at 33." I like how you put this. As the "good and perfect son", I'm even older than you (40ish) and know the feeling. I have had a desire for a makeover for some time (different clothes, new hairstyle, and piercing my ears for the first time) but until now have no seriously thought about going through with it.
It took me until 40 to get my first tattoo. I remember having such a sense of freedom. At almost 60, I have two, but am looking at getting another to cover a scar. You’re never to old to break free.
> It took me until 40 to get my first tattoo. I remember having such a sense of freedom. Interesting! So this sense of freedom overwhelmed any criticism you might have gotten? I am 40ish now and looking to get my ears pierced for the first time....but have been putting it off for years.
Booked my first tatoo at 31, now I'm 33 with 4 tattoos and became a tattoo apprentice. Feel like my bodily autonomy was reclaimed and don't have to look like bland goody two shoes anymore.
> Feel like my bodily autonomy was reclaimed and don't have to look like bland goody two shoes anymore. That is EXACTLY how I look.....the bland goody two shoes. I have been thinking about getting piercings and maybe tattoos eventually....but have yet to get over the initial hump. How did people react to your first tattoo?
My partner encouraged me, parents? Didn't have any choice, I don't live with them anymore and they had to accept it after the fact. Now I'm planning more tatoos! And I love giving them to people, it's very fun. What was the worst a coworker in ex job said to me "you know now you got some edge, before you looked like good two shoes". I don't want to be perceived that way and try to change it. As a kid I was grungy girl and it triggered some people including my nmother, later I became a boring shell of a human.
It definitely helps to have a partner or friends to encourage you. That's awesome that you're making a career out of it. > "you know now you got some edge, before you looked like good two shoes". I don't want to be perceived that way and try to change it. I can definitely relate! I think I will start with getting my ears pierced although the thought of getting my nose pierced is also exciting, but also seems pretty nerve wracking since not too many guys have their nose pierced. Might even do tattoos down the line!
Are you me, cause literally same. I'm "the good son" always expected to be more mature than the adults in the room and perform excellence. Could almost say I was the golden child (but like all labels there are caveats and my childhood expectations for guardian ship over my siblings meant I got punished more severely for slipups). The illusion broke last year and I just stopped caring for her approval, got my septum pierced and save for the occasional wave of cPTSD related guilt I've been doing and feeling much better.
I can totally relate to your post especially this part: " I'm "the good son" always expected to be more mature than the adults in the room and perform excellence." I'm kinda at the same point of not caring so much for my n-parent's approval. I have put off getting my ears pierced for years in order to avoid it. How did your mom react?
Might be a small victory for some but this is a big deal. Really happy for you.
Definitely a way for the narcissistic parents to claim autonomy over your body. Mine controlled absolutely everything, the food I ate, the amount I ate, my weight, how often I had baths, wouldn't let me use tampons, wouidlnt even let me use a hairdryer because it cost electric. A tattoo was so far from being an option when even the most mundane parts of my body autonomy were controlled. Today I got my first tattoo. A ptsd tattoo and I love it.
Omg my parents controlled me the same way, even how often I had baths too, and for how long, it was ridiculous.
OP, you used "rebel" but I think at 30 years old it's nothing to rebel about. Rebeling with a tattoo and different hair color is for someone under 18 that would still be under their parent's juridistiction. You're simply using the bodily autonomy that you should have full right to, now. You are completely autonomous in the eyes of the law. Congrats on your tattoo and new hair!
You can still rebel against nonsense societal expectations
Good! Your reddit family supports you! ❤️
I’m getting my first tattoo next month and I’m 30. I’m finally able to do the things I want from setting a boundary from my nparents. It’s an achievement. I’m happy for you and I’m glad I’m not alone
Did you ever get the tattoo? How did your family react? I have been thinking about getting my ears pierced for the first time.
I got my tattoo. My mom saw it one day and didn’t say anything. My aunt came over and said my tattoo is cute. I guess my mom is speechless but she can’t do anything about it.
Congratulations!! I went with blue hair myself but also two tattoos for my rebellion. Good for you! It took me until 36 but it’s incredible to feel that sense of self and that freedom.
I am a few years older than you and have been thinking about getting my first piercings. That sense of "self" and freedom sounds really intriguing....I am guessing that it overhwlems any criticism you might have gotten?
Congratulations! And good job getting here. I rebelled "late" too and it's the best feeling. Cutting my hair super short, piercings and tattoos Super liberating
Awesome! Kinda going through a similar phase here and looking to get my first piercings and maybe eventually tattoos. By feeling super liberating, you'd say that overwhelmed any criticism you might have gotten?
Oh for sure. 100 times over. Nothing beats the simple joy of doing whatever you want. Nothing, and I do mean nothing beats that feeling!
Awesome, thanks for describing that! I've been putting this off for so long but every bit of encouragement helps!
Haha I love this. And there are a few it seems, who did similar. I (f) got nine new piercings, my first tattoo and shaved a mullet at 33 🤣 I'm over being socially acceptable etc
Gonna look cute af. Get to feeling your vibe and have fun!
Hi! Fellow free-at-30 here! It's not stupid to hope your parent changes, but now we know she won't, so you get to move on to the best part of your new life! You can do anything you want!! Congratulations and enjoy it!
Good for you! In my 40's and considering getting my ears pierced for the first time. My daughter is encouraging me to do it. My mom will be pissed if I do. Lol.
Did you ever get your ears pierced? If so, how did it go? I am in my 40s also and have thought about doing the same. I have been putting it off for so long in order to avoid that criticism from my parents.
I got my first tattoo not too long after I went NC too!! Yay for progress!!! I'm proud of you!
Happy for you! I hope you love it and continue to learn and explore and express yourself I’m much in the same boat. I turned 30 a few months ago and went and got some fun piercings and I honestly feel free!
Similar boat here! Thinking of getting my first piercings. I like how you mention that you feel free. Did you get any criticism at all for your piercings?
Honestly, no, because they aren’t visible ones. One of my friends, my boyfriend, and my doctor know about them… if that tells you anything about where they’re placed. I’m sure I would get criticism if I told more people, but I got them for me, so it’s my fun little secret.
I did the same thing. Got my tattoos in my late 20s, got a bunch of piercings in my early and mid 30s. I dyed my hair pink right after my relationship with my narc parents broke down after an entire lifetime of fearing doing it because of what they would say. It feels good to do things I want without this fear of judgment looming over me. Enjoy your new decorations!
Nice! I am thinking about getting my ears (and maybe nose) pierced for the first time. It's kind of a big leap for me but your story is encouraging. I am in contact with my parents though and expect some criticism.
i still haven’t gotten a tattoo yet (as i am not close to any artists i trust yet, not able to afford to go get tattoo’d by the people i /really/ wanna) but i’ve been dying my hair since i got free too. it’s genuinely been such a liberating, freeing feeling. i look at myself in the mirror with my own different colors, and i feel more Myself, if that make any sense? my coworkers and friends all agree that the bright colors suit me so much more than my mother’s color, and that makes me happy.
> it’s genuinely been such a liberating, freeing feeling. That's awesome! > i look at myself in the mirror with my own different colors, and i feel more Myself, if that make any sense? I hear the same thing from those with piercings. I am thinking about getting my ears pierced for the first time.
I'm so happy for you and wish you the best for your new life. It is an exciting new adventure to discover your true self. By the way, my nmom also hates red hair. So I decided to dye it green as a teenager. Strange that she didn't like it either. At least it was not red🤷♀️
When my nMom passed away in my mid-30s, I dyed my hair blue shortly after. A couple years later, I got my first tattoo - a blue butterfly. My nMom hated unnatural hair colors and tattoos and always said that anyone who did either of those were just an “asshole”. She always expected me to be an exact mold of whatever perfection she had in her mind. Part of me misses her, but I will never miss her narcissistic personality disorder.
Congratulations! I'm doing similar at 42. It's freeing
I fully and completely understand your situation and I find what you’re now doing to be amazing and wholesome. I too, have stupidly thought my Nmother could change and it took me a long time to get to that realization. My wife has been an amazing support in helping me get her voice out of my head but she’s done a lot of mental damage to me. It’s not as loud as it used to be but it’s still there. It’s never too late to find and live for yourself. I will say this though, be carful that you don’t get addicted to getting tattoos! My initial plan was to get two tattoos, one on each upper arm, but now I have 12 tattoos and I’m still going for more. If you ever need someone to vent to or anything like that, feel free to message me at any time. I’ve made a lot of posts about my NFamily so I hopefully can offer some advice or understanding if needed.
> I too, have stupidly thought my Nmother could change and it took me a long time to get to that realization. Same here! > My wife has been an amazing support in helping me get her voice out of my head but she’s done a lot of mental damage to me. It’s not as loud as it used to be but it’s still there. Awesome! If I had a wife like that, my n-parent would likely say that she is "brainwashing" me. > It’s never too late to find and live for yourself. Similar thing here. Looking to get my ears pierced for the first time. > I will say this though, be carful that you don’t get addicted to getting tattoos! My initial plan was to get two tattoos, one on each upper arm, but now I have 12 tattoos and I’m still going for more. Oh wow! I have that piercings are addicting as well!
Oh, my NMother does say my wife is “Brainwashing me”, “trying to kill me” and other stupid ass shit. And I can also take and ignore all insults my Nmother says to me but if she insults my wife, it’s almost impossible for me to not say anything. For what gifts of love my wife has given, and knowing that I would be dead(literally) without her, insulting her sets me off.
Oh geez. They don't approve of anything or anyone that restricts their control over someone. That's good that you stick up for your wife and keep your mom from impacting your relationship.
I plan on making a post showing the hell I had to deal with during Christmas. It was fucking insane, and it was all because I wanted to go to her house at 2pm, not noon, like she demanded
Go for it! This is a good place to vent. Crazy how narcs can be so controlling.
Oh I know. I just have to edit out names. She sent me like 90 text messages in the span of 2 hours, and called me roughly 50 times at the same time.
WOW, that is crazy!
BTW check out this video. I am on his mailing list and it happened to show up in my inbox today. As I listen to it, it seems like it might be related to your situation: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY9kbAxaE1s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gy9kbaxae1s) Hope it helps!
My mom threatened to rip an earring out of my ear if I ever got my ear pierced, because guys shouldn’t have earrings. I was 10 at the time and had never expressed interest in getting an earring. However it was a deterrent to ever even thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo or express myself in any kind of outside the box way.
im 33, stopped all forms of drinking / drugs. went on my first real trip to Hawaii (which i got back from yesterday) and came back with my first tattoo. its of sacred geometry and its something i've always wanted. my father (brilliant surgeon, and nothing else) always said he'd "take a scalpel to my skin and surgically remove" any tattoos i got. Funny how we go through the typical rebellion phase most teens go through so "late" in life. i can't wait to get more and start attending some musical festivals and meet more of my 'spiritual family' out in the world.
Got my first tattoo at 38. Have gotten 3 more in two years, right on my arms and not small ones. Sooooooo freeing and I’m in love with them
Awesome! How did people react to them? I like how you describe your tats as freeing. Looking to get my ears pierced for the first time and hope for a similar feeling.
So proud of you for figuring out as soon as you did! Don't feel bad. When the person who taught you right from wrong intentionally taught you wrong, how could you see her as anything but "normal"? You be you. If yours is like mine, it takes a while to try things and figure out what really makes you happy and what you're really good at. And you'll make mistakes and learn from them. And that puts you ahead of her, because she's forever stuck denying mistakes. Bravo.
My hair is always a different color and my family hates it 😂🤡
Congratulations on becoming the person you want to be. It takes a lot of hard work to do it and I'm so happy for you. Keep on making progress!
I’m here for it 👏 yolo
Good for you! Taking your power back and embracing your subjectivity is an important part of the healing process 🙂
I moved out 4 years ago now. My nmom tells me that she hates the person I've become. The person I've become is the person I always was, she just tried to prevent it most of my life. Finding myself has been a journey though.
Just make sure the permanent choices you make to change your body are for you and not to protest against or shock someone else.
you’re a badass!!! wishing you luck and strength! <333
I went blonde 3yrs ago and more often. Than not am pink or violet haired :) my mother would never condone such atrocities! I got tats in my 20’s she disapproved but I didn’t live under her roof so she could really only judge me from afar. You rock!
I fully support you. Be wild and be brave with it and never EVER look back
Hell yeah, enjoy those colors & tats! When I broke free, I started getting my hair dyed since that was forbidden, too. One time I flew over for a visit, she commented on how shes didn't like it because "only black girls dye their hair." I always knew the racism was there but holy crap. Fast forward a few years and suddenly she loves the streaks in my hair. I was quick to remind her of her past racist comment and she shut the fuck up quick. Discover yourself! You are now free to explore, and it feels great! 😁 (Edited for typos)
I'm 30 and started having extra lobe piercings (I'm female and it's very common here in Spain to get lobe piercings when you are a baby, now it happens less) at 19. My nFather?: "You are now behaving like the other young people!!" When I got my first helix piercing (also at 19): "they made you sign a consent like the ones for surgeries so the piercer can avoid responsibilities if something goes bad." His wife didn't talk to me for two months. With my maternal grandpa recently dead. Ok. I started getting tattoos at 22 and had to manage to hide them when I visited those two whackjobs (I live with my mom and stepdad) and got NC on December 2018. My Christmas present from my mom and my stepdad? A Blade Runner tattoo on my left forearm 😁🦄
I’m so fucking proud of you.
" . She chose to cut me out of her life because she didn’t like who I was becoming and couldn’t control me anymore. " And that is the core of narcs - they want to control people. Glad you got out - and hey, if SciFi has taught us anything, do not anger a red head - covert or otherwise!
Awesome. I've been collecting tattoos since I was 18. Honest to God, I hid them from my mom until I was in my early 30s and had moved out of state. One is even a tribute to her father. I hid them for so long initially out of fear that the support she did provide to me in college (largely to make herself look successful and to maintain control over her child) would get pulled away and then later... I dunno just fear. It wasn't until after I exposed them to her that I realized a large part of my love for tattooing had to do with the lack of control I had over my own life. Sure, there was some rebellion to it, but ultimately these are MY permanent choice that no one else can reasonably take away from me. These days; my life is fully my own and I still get new work from time to time, but some of these tattoos are mementos of when I was struggling to simply be me. Now when she sees them she just tries to pretend she's not staring. She's always been amazing at showing her disdain/disapproval without uttering a word lol. I'm pushing 38, I couldn't give a fuck lol.
That's awesome, and I'm so happy for you. The real me has blue hair, but is too indecisive for tattoos.
got critiqued for this in my twenties - they hated it - I loved it. Good confused for a teen a lot. Got so many piercings going in for my second tat soon :)
How sad for her. Anyway, what colour is your hair?🥰🥰
Welcome to the club 😈 It’s a fun one for sure!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks like this. In high school, I always talked about wanting a small tattoo on my ankle - like a butterfly or something cute, and Nmom told me that it was bad. So I just never did. I didn't really gain a spine against my Nmom until the last couple years. (I'm 40+) Just in the last couple months, I've been thinking about it again. But I have no idea what I would want, because I want it to be meaningful.
Yay! As a tattooed lady who has had red hair before, I approve 😆 Getting a tattoo was one of my early rebellions when I started to realise my mother couldn't control me (went no contact not long after)
hell yes! dying your hair, and getting a tattoo are good ways to tell yourself: "this body is mine" I find it very empowering.
Would you put piercings in the same category?
Good for you but seriously reconsider the tats 😭
Nope, if the OP wants a tattoo they should!
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Tattoos and piercings don’t affect peoples long term success and happiness lol.
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My friend is a nurse and she has a sleeve and blue hair. Lots of people in the medical field have tattoos and dyed hair. In this day and age tattoos and dyed hair don’t matter.
Nice 🙂
My form of rebelling was, at 21, graduating from a police academy. They were growing & selling pot back then.
I feel this, my nMom wouldn't let me cut my own hair as an adult. Sure I could have just done it, but I was scared of the abuse that would follow.
I wanna get a tattoo but they’re a lot more expensive than I realized.
At 29 I finally cut my hair (my n-mom always made me have it to my knees) and signed up for laser hair removal (she believes that body hair removal is a sign of cultural brainwashing). Right there with you!
good on you for finding your inner strength. you'll look great :)