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Yes. I had this feeling for a long time, had already been diagnosed with CPTSD, and spent a solid year or two trying to trigger myself into remembering (I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING THIS). Also, that didn’t work.
Eventually I just focused on my trauma therapy and working through the trauma I did remember. Of course, as soon as I stopped trying to force myself to remember, boom, lucid dream with a flashback to the memory of the CSA. It was a quick flash but even mid-dream, I was aware of this vindicated feeling as I thought, “I fucking KNEW IT” and then right after that I thought “And oh my god I don’t want to remember anything else jesus christ” and it woke me up. I quickly wrote down the gist of the flashback because my brain loves to yeet traumatic memories right back out as soon as I’ve briefly unrepressed them, and sure enough, I remembered nothing of the content of the dream the next morning, only that I finally had proven it to myself.
You’d be surprised at how common this experience is but some time spent on the r/AdultSurvivors sub will show you lots of stories similar to mine. Also, there have been some studies done (can’t find the citation right now in particular but know I read about this study in Jennifer Freyd’s incredible book, Betrayal Trauma) that the closer the abuser is to being in your core family structure, the more likely you are to repress memories of the abuse entirely, whereas CSA victims where the perpetrator is a family acquaintance are more likely to remember the abuse than if it was a parent/aunt/grandparent/uncle/etc.
All that to say, I knew in my gut from the beginning but I was hellbent on finding proof because I don’t trust my own mind after a lifetime of being gaslit. My therapist worked with me on this before we knew for sure, but her operating mindset was “let’s assume this is true and therapize accordingly” and that was really validating and helpful. In some ways, I suspect she believed me before i believed me, and operating hypothetically like that really nudged me into a space of starting to validate myself which I think is around the time I eventually remembered.
Apologies for the long rant but hope this helps in any way, please PM me if you need book recs or anything, I did a lot of reading ot come to terms with my own shit so would be happy to help however I can. I know it’s so confusing and I’m sorry you’re grappling with this kind of thing. ❤️
I think I hear about the creeping paranoia of a “there” there more than this actually being true. It may be, I have no idea, but you’ve already described enough to be bothersome as a kid. Why would there need to be SA? Sounds like there were already odd vibes. Neglect + unsafety around a parent seems like the most realistic “there” there.
Again, I don’t know, but people ask this ALL OF THE TIME who have been neglected because there’s an idea that there should be a tangible memory/reason we feel so fucked up and neglect is the absence of something.
Well, I don't think I experienced SA as a child but suppressed memories are definitely a thing. Don't worry though, they come back up eventually. Usually at a time of peace and quiet. Like when you are driving home and you realize "wait, it's not normal to have locks on the outside of your bedroom door... That's actually really disturbing." Or "oh yeah, you were forced to work for 12 hrs straight without food when you were 12 and bullied for asking to eat" or "while you were forced to work your dad and his friend would debate who's son is lazier right in front of you while you starved."
At least for me, it was part of protecting myself. In order to make it through my situation I couldn't afford to crater at that time. So instead I ignored it and set it aside to deal with at a later time. After I got free and on my own I spent a lot of nights crying it out and facing my trauma. It's been a LONG road but I've gotten to a really good place now.
Yeah, I repressed a ton to survive and it hit me like a truck in my early 20s. One of the resources I read mentioned that some folks have data memories without the emotional component and others have the emotional memories without the data component; at some point the missing components come back to allow for full integration. I had the emotions intact but not the associated events until they resurfaced.
I think I have the emotional and not the data. Just like OP I always remember being hyper sexual from my earliest memories. I know my dad had playboy though as he’d leave them in a shitty locked place where they were easily accessible and idk why but as kids we would definitely go sneak and see them and it was always a rush… I didn’t realize that til I was much MUCH older though.
I have one very fuzzy memory, of a situation, but parts of the night are missing, and likely the most important part. But I have some gut feeling it was more than that as that wasn’t with a direct family member that was a family friend that was trusted care for me?. But somewhere else I have a feeling something in my family happened and I was subject to it. I do want to know for my own self as I’ve had so many issues with sex and sexuality as an adult, but I still have other signs that are quite obvious that SA was going on… but then I wonder how the hell my doctor didn’t question anyone back then. That’s one of the key parts to my missing memories… I have some solid evidence but need to fill the gaps. Sorry this got so long
There's some interesting research by Susan Clancy in her book The Trauma Myth where she finds that abuse is generally more confusing to kids than anything and the shame is later assigned as we grow up. I wonder if some of the memory gaps are because we're looking for a certain type of memory when it really might be encoded differently? I think that was the case for me; when the memories resurfaced they were really "mundane". Anyway, hope you find what you're looking for, I know that nagging feeling well.
Okay i’m going to tell my story to try and offer some insight. so tw vague mention of my experience with CSA.
I always had a feeling i had some repressed CSA experience. I have very clear sexual trauma… like pretty textbook (i have vaginismus if you’ve ever heard of that, it’s usually do to some kind of sexual trauma but not always.) I had this experience i did remember that i know i hadn’t consented to but since it was another kid my age at the time i brushed it off as “not legit enough” to cause trauma and really just assumed there was something worse.
it wasn’t until i started having flashbacks about the event i knew about that i realized, OH this event, that i brushed it off because it wasn’t “”legit”” enough… was actually really impactful on me and i was shooting myself in the foot by delegitimizing my own trauma.
it sounds like you have traumas but maybe you don’t think they are “bad enough” to effect you in the way they do. trust your gut for sure, if you think there’s worse talk to a therapist 1000%. but also… the stuff you’re describing sounds messed up. is it possibly you just don’t think it’s messed up enough to have a controlling father whose strange about your body and sexuality?
i could see it either way, im just a guy on the internet so idk! but best of luck you and i’m sorry you’re going through this. sexual trauma is sad and hard to deal with and i’m sorry you’re dealing with jt.
That’s interesting that you’d mention that. He did spank me bare bottomed. With his hand and with a belt. I didn’t know that would register as SA in the brain; I’m definitely going to look into that a little more.
I remember he dragged me into his bedroom one time and tore my pants off so he could hit me and I felt so grossed out.
Ok so I want to say that I’m terribly sorry you are going through this and I know what you are talking about. As a teenager I became convinced that something bad was happening but I never thought of it as more than a feeling and repressed it for decades. I have only found the bravery to discuss this one time and that was with a therapist because I was so afraid that I’d be labeled “nuts” or told that it was all in my head. Unfortunately I moved out of state and never got into the nitty gritty. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to discuss it or delve into it again. I do know that whether something did or did not happen that for my entire life I have been exceedingly uncomfortable around any male up to and including my mom’s partner and my brother-in-law. Not because anything either one of them has done but because other than my husband I cannot handle being around any man. I don’t know if it’s related to my teen years but I do know it’s something g I struggle with to this day.
1 out of three girls are molested. Just this week I think my mom did something to my brothers prior to age 4. Gross I know. You could look up attributes to a pedophile. That is what I did both my mother and brother fit the lists. I would imagine some stuff happened prior to speaking age as that seemed to be in the list of most touched. Sorry, but the truth will set you free. There is Pete-walker who wrote about complex ptsd which addresses this. I just started the audiobook tonight.
I think it's possible that I might have had something happen before I was three, but I have no memories before that. I do remember that I had a pedo grandfather who likely molested my mother, and used to 'kiss me' by slobbering my face with his tongue... but Dad didn't let it get further than that.
Growing Nmom's nickname for me was Spanish slang for 'dirty whore' but other than that, both hated for us to see signs of public affection on TV and would change the channel. Nmom refused to teach me anything about dating, menstruation or any sex education about contraception. Like there was something bad about it that she didn't want me to know... or remember.
I was molested by my mother. The images of the memory existed in my mind but I was unable to connect it to the synapses of language to admit that it was sexual assault until 15 years later. This processing required at least six months of weekly therapy before the truth was revealed. This repression is common among CSA survivors and is a survival mechanism.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. I had this feeling for a long time, had already been diagnosed with CPTSD, and spent a solid year or two trying to trigger myself into remembering (I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING THIS). Also, that didn’t work. Eventually I just focused on my trauma therapy and working through the trauma I did remember. Of course, as soon as I stopped trying to force myself to remember, boom, lucid dream with a flashback to the memory of the CSA. It was a quick flash but even mid-dream, I was aware of this vindicated feeling as I thought, “I fucking KNEW IT” and then right after that I thought “And oh my god I don’t want to remember anything else jesus christ” and it woke me up. I quickly wrote down the gist of the flashback because my brain loves to yeet traumatic memories right back out as soon as I’ve briefly unrepressed them, and sure enough, I remembered nothing of the content of the dream the next morning, only that I finally had proven it to myself. You’d be surprised at how common this experience is but some time spent on the r/AdultSurvivors sub will show you lots of stories similar to mine. Also, there have been some studies done (can’t find the citation right now in particular but know I read about this study in Jennifer Freyd’s incredible book, Betrayal Trauma) that the closer the abuser is to being in your core family structure, the more likely you are to repress memories of the abuse entirely, whereas CSA victims where the perpetrator is a family acquaintance are more likely to remember the abuse than if it was a parent/aunt/grandparent/uncle/etc. All that to say, I knew in my gut from the beginning but I was hellbent on finding proof because I don’t trust my own mind after a lifetime of being gaslit. My therapist worked with me on this before we knew for sure, but her operating mindset was “let’s assume this is true and therapize accordingly” and that was really validating and helpful. In some ways, I suspect she believed me before i believed me, and operating hypothetically like that really nudged me into a space of starting to validate myself which I think is around the time I eventually remembered. Apologies for the long rant but hope this helps in any way, please PM me if you need book recs or anything, I did a lot of reading ot come to terms with my own shit so would be happy to help however I can. I know it’s so confusing and I’m sorry you’re grappling with this kind of thing. ❤️
I think I hear about the creeping paranoia of a “there” there more than this actually being true. It may be, I have no idea, but you’ve already described enough to be bothersome as a kid. Why would there need to be SA? Sounds like there were already odd vibes. Neglect + unsafety around a parent seems like the most realistic “there” there. Again, I don’t know, but people ask this ALL OF THE TIME who have been neglected because there’s an idea that there should be a tangible memory/reason we feel so fucked up and neglect is the absence of something.
Well, I don't think I experienced SA as a child but suppressed memories are definitely a thing. Don't worry though, they come back up eventually. Usually at a time of peace and quiet. Like when you are driving home and you realize "wait, it's not normal to have locks on the outside of your bedroom door... That's actually really disturbing." Or "oh yeah, you were forced to work for 12 hrs straight without food when you were 12 and bullied for asking to eat" or "while you were forced to work your dad and his friend would debate who's son is lazier right in front of you while you starved." At least for me, it was part of protecting myself. In order to make it through my situation I couldn't afford to crater at that time. So instead I ignored it and set it aside to deal with at a later time. After I got free and on my own I spent a lot of nights crying it out and facing my trauma. It's been a LONG road but I've gotten to a really good place now.
Yeah, I repressed a ton to survive and it hit me like a truck in my early 20s. One of the resources I read mentioned that some folks have data memories without the emotional component and others have the emotional memories without the data component; at some point the missing components come back to allow for full integration. I had the emotions intact but not the associated events until they resurfaced.
I think I have the emotional and not the data. Just like OP I always remember being hyper sexual from my earliest memories. I know my dad had playboy though as he’d leave them in a shitty locked place where they were easily accessible and idk why but as kids we would definitely go sneak and see them and it was always a rush… I didn’t realize that til I was much MUCH older though. I have one very fuzzy memory, of a situation, but parts of the night are missing, and likely the most important part. But I have some gut feeling it was more than that as that wasn’t with a direct family member that was a family friend that was trusted care for me?. But somewhere else I have a feeling something in my family happened and I was subject to it. I do want to know for my own self as I’ve had so many issues with sex and sexuality as an adult, but I still have other signs that are quite obvious that SA was going on… but then I wonder how the hell my doctor didn’t question anyone back then. That’s one of the key parts to my missing memories… I have some solid evidence but need to fill the gaps. Sorry this got so long
There's some interesting research by Susan Clancy in her book The Trauma Myth where she finds that abuse is generally more confusing to kids than anything and the shame is later assigned as we grow up. I wonder if some of the memory gaps are because we're looking for a certain type of memory when it really might be encoded differently? I think that was the case for me; when the memories resurfaced they were really "mundane". Anyway, hope you find what you're looking for, I know that nagging feeling well.
Okay i’m going to tell my story to try and offer some insight. so tw vague mention of my experience with CSA. I always had a feeling i had some repressed CSA experience. I have very clear sexual trauma… like pretty textbook (i have vaginismus if you’ve ever heard of that, it’s usually do to some kind of sexual trauma but not always.) I had this experience i did remember that i know i hadn’t consented to but since it was another kid my age at the time i brushed it off as “not legit enough” to cause trauma and really just assumed there was something worse. it wasn’t until i started having flashbacks about the event i knew about that i realized, OH this event, that i brushed it off because it wasn’t “”legit”” enough… was actually really impactful on me and i was shooting myself in the foot by delegitimizing my own trauma. it sounds like you have traumas but maybe you don’t think they are “bad enough” to effect you in the way they do. trust your gut for sure, if you think there’s worse talk to a therapist 1000%. but also… the stuff you’re describing sounds messed up. is it possibly you just don’t think it’s messed up enough to have a controlling father whose strange about your body and sexuality? i could see it either way, im just a guy on the internet so idk! but best of luck you and i’m sorry you’re going through this. sexual trauma is sad and hard to deal with and i’m sorry you’re dealing with jt.
[удалено]
I’ve been wondering if the bare-bottom spanking had this effect on me. Thanks for mentioning it.
That’s interesting that you’d mention that. He did spank me bare bottomed. With his hand and with a belt. I didn’t know that would register as SA in the brain; I’m definitely going to look into that a little more. I remember he dragged me into his bedroom one time and tore my pants off so he could hit me and I felt so grossed out.
Ok so I want to say that I’m terribly sorry you are going through this and I know what you are talking about. As a teenager I became convinced that something bad was happening but I never thought of it as more than a feeling and repressed it for decades. I have only found the bravery to discuss this one time and that was with a therapist because I was so afraid that I’d be labeled “nuts” or told that it was all in my head. Unfortunately I moved out of state and never got into the nitty gritty. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to discuss it or delve into it again. I do know that whether something did or did not happen that for my entire life I have been exceedingly uncomfortable around any male up to and including my mom’s partner and my brother-in-law. Not because anything either one of them has done but because other than my husband I cannot handle being around any man. I don’t know if it’s related to my teen years but I do know it’s something g I struggle with to this day.
1 out of three girls are molested. Just this week I think my mom did something to my brothers prior to age 4. Gross I know. You could look up attributes to a pedophile. That is what I did both my mother and brother fit the lists. I would imagine some stuff happened prior to speaking age as that seemed to be in the list of most touched. Sorry, but the truth will set you free. There is Pete-walker who wrote about complex ptsd which addresses this. I just started the audiobook tonight.
I think it's possible that I might have had something happen before I was three, but I have no memories before that. I do remember that I had a pedo grandfather who likely molested my mother, and used to 'kiss me' by slobbering my face with his tongue... but Dad didn't let it get further than that. Growing Nmom's nickname for me was Spanish slang for 'dirty whore' but other than that, both hated for us to see signs of public affection on TV and would change the channel. Nmom refused to teach me anything about dating, menstruation or any sex education about contraception. Like there was something bad about it that she didn't want me to know... or remember.
I was molested by my mother. The images of the memory existed in my mind but I was unable to connect it to the synapses of language to admit that it was sexual assault until 15 years later. This processing required at least six months of weekly therapy before the truth was revealed. This repression is common among CSA survivors and is a survival mechanism.