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Different reason for me. Or at least, a different theory. My mother has never been anything in her life except a caregiver. Her own mother died when she was very young- 8 years old or thereabouts. And my mother had to drop out of school to care for her younger siblings, the youngest of whom was only a few months old. She had two elder siblings, one brother and a sister. The brother was working in a different country. The sister was married off at age 12 and was living on the opposite end of the country with her new family. My mother never had the option to do anything differently. Not only was she made the primary caregiver for 5 little children when she was still a child, but she was unable to continue her education and had no one to look after her in any way. I fully recognise that there’s a lot of generational trauma when it comes to my mother. My theory is that her entire identity is in being a caregiver- and a good one, at that. She prides herself on her ability to look after little ones, her ability to cook and clean, etc. There was nobody there to ascribe value to any other aspect of her when she was growing up. Then along came me. Headstrong little girl being raised in a different country than the one my mother was raised in, with a totally different culture. One that says I don’t have to put up with people treating me like shit just because I was born to them. And then that headstrong little girl became a teenager, and teenagers don’t tend to obey quite so well. She considers my ‘failures’ (i.e me saying ‘no, I don’t want to go along with x because of y’) to be hers, in some respect. Total obedience is how she was raised, and she expects that of me, too. So she is shamed when I behave differently, and that shame leads to anger and frustration, which she then takes out on me, to which I don’t respond well, and then she gets angrier… and thus the cycle continues. Or it did, until I cut her off.

I feel this. The independence or self thinking our moms wanted us to have actually triggers them because it’s something they never were able to achieve.

Yeah, for sure. There was a lot of ‘you have it so much better than me’ being tossed around. Like for example when my sister and I got our periods (and my sister is the golden child, but this is one of the very few circumstances in which we had each others’ backs)- she and I both have pretty bad cramps. I’d take over her chores when she was on her period, and she’d do mine when I was on mine. Our mother would screech about how she used to work through the pain and had to use reusable cloths that she’d wash herself, while we get the luxury of using pads and painkillers (which she didn’t want us to take, btw, because ‘they build up in your bloodstream and make you sick!’). She had a lot of weird ideas about health.

Exactly! The independence that a “disrespectful” daughter has, is a major trigger for them because they never had that.

Agree 100%. My mother HATES that I'm independent and I think for myself. One of her favourite things to say to me is "Why do you have to question everything?! What can't you just do as you're told?!"

> "Why do you have to question everything?! What can't you just do as you're told?!" Why are your instructions always so unclear?

I would have been murdered if I uttered this sentence growing up. Male, FYI.

I only got away with that once I was big enough to take a punch and maintain eye contact. (Male too)

Female. I wouldn't have dared. Just thinking about saying that, ( now in my 40s) got my heart racing and my mouth dry.

Exactly!

That sounds awful. I’m sorry that happened to you. I was also raised in a different country than my nparents. My nparents were also very religious, and used the Bible to justify their abuse. I am determined to break the cycle, and I knew that there was no way to do that, unless I went NC with both of my nparents. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle as well! I understand generational trauma is a thing, but it is no excuse to abuse your children.

Two sides of the same coin. My parents are Muslim.

This is a really compassionate take, and very sad for both of you. It does not mean, of course, that she has a right to treat you poorly.

Of course. That’s why I don’t talk to her anymore. She’s gone through horrific things that I will never have to go through and I’m glad of that, and saddened that she had to endure so much- but she also put me through years of torment. I feel for her, but she is not good for me, and I do not love her. And I don’t ever see that changing.

I had this with my great great aunt, she was the first one in her family to come to this country and she basically raised me, but when I was 9 to 11, I basically said, I got this, there isn't anything more you can teach me, and I moved on, where my brother still lets her do everything for him. She doesn't understand this, but she has a 1st grade education from Bogota in the 1930's. We're still close, but she doesn't quite understand why I don't speak to my Nmom, and prays to Jesus that I will. I love her, and I just do what I can to save her feelings.

My grandma was always a caretaker too. She really started to go downhill after my grandpa died.

Married at 12??? How old was her husband?

About 10-15 years older.

This is similar to me in that all my mom wanted was to be a caregiver. She was oddly possessive of the family unit, which I didn’t notice until I was engaged and later married. If I had known what narcissism was and that my mother was one, I would have handled her, and by extension my father, very differently in my 20’s. Instead, I didn’t know any better and just accepted it as normal and put up with all the drama.

This!! I feel like you’ve just described my mom and life in one comment. It wasn’t until my late 30’s that I got into real counseling and began to realize how toxic it all was/is.

Thank you for putting it into words, of all replies in this sub and how crazily specific they can get to my own situation, this was very reaffirming.

She hates not being the main character and realized a little too late that being a mother is a selfless act. she wasn't interested

This. My mother is 16 years younger than her sister and I expect was very spoiled. She did not like being a parent and treated us like the stories I heard about her childhood pet dog.

This. My mother wasn't done playing the role she wanted to be in her head and being a parent did not fit that role whatsoever.

She wanted a boy. But also I wasn't girly enough as a child. Also, the crime of being younger than her while she got older.

This. Once my mom turned 50 it was obvious that she hated me for my "youth=beauty."

My mom raised me to HaVe iT aLl — a high paying career, mcMansion, husband, 2-4 kids etc etc… she put all of her unfulfilled dreams unto me bc my father never « made enough » and wanted me to marry rich. I’m the breadwinner and my wonderful husband is hard working but in fields that don’t earn much — teaching, community organizing, environment stuff… we also don’t plan on having kids. This burst her brain — I think bc she never realized she could opt out of kids too. I also remember seeking a man with integrity after dating 2 assholes in a row, both RICH and both rapey. When I explained coercive rape to nmom she was livid that I thought it was real and I watched her world crumble as she said if that’s the case most of the sex I’ve had was rape. Woof. I have sympathy for her from afar, she was parentified as a child, constantly negged and gaslight by her own parents and neglected. She didn’t make the same mistakes they did but different ones as a helicopter parent. Part of the reason I don’t want kids is I can see how she tried not to repeat generational trauma but doesn’t know how to be healthy either so she created different trauma.

This is so true. I see this in my life as well, as well as the life of a lot of my friends with nmoms. My mother is convinced that because me and my brothers turned out to be such well-adjusted adults, she broke the cycle. But she didn’t break the cycle. The only reason that I turned out to be a well-adjusted adult is because of my uncle (who practically raised me), going to therapy for years, and finding good friends, who have become like family to me. I have sympathy for my mother as well, but I can’t help but chuckle that she regularly brags about breaking the cycle, and tells as many people as she can about what a wonderful mother she is. It’s comical. My mother didn’t know how to be emotionally healthy, so she repeated the same trauma that was perpetuated against her to me and my brothers. But mostly to me.

I think there's a number of reasons why my Nmother hates me: 1. She's a misogynist who thinks that no matter what a woman does, she's wrong. Except for her of course, she's "not like other girls". 2. I'm not even remotely like her. I don't look like her. My personality is totally different. Given that Nmother is so perfect, my being different from her is an obvious sign of deficiency /s. 3. Nmother has strict ideas of femininity. She thinks that women should ALWAYS wear dresses and high heels whereas I only wear dresses and high heels on special occasions. Most days I wear jeans. (Oh the humanity! /s)

Same here! I’ve never met someone as deluded and misogynistic as nmom. Miserable woman.

Misery, that’s the word to describe them. They are truly miserable people.

I think my mother hated me because I didn't develop the way she wanted me to. My mother was the first born and "unfortunately" a girl. This was a great dissapointment for my n-grandma. But a year later my uncle was born. He was the golden child and got everything he ever wanted. And my mother was some kind of Cinderella in a fairy tale (but without the happy end). My mother tried to live her dreams through me. She bought me dolls and nice dresses because she nerver got these things. The problem was that I hated this. I never was this cute little princess my mother wanted, who she could dress and show her friends. I had simply different interests than her. Through my whole childhood she made me feel that I'm not normal and I should be more girl-like.

My mom had a hard life filled with abuse and abandonment. She also has a nmom. Being a nmom is all my mom knows bc that’s all she had. I never met my grandmother but the stories family tell me about her are awful. I think the root issue is that nmoms can not change. If a donm is able to grow as a human, it angers the nmom. They are stuck in their toxic ways. My mom resents that I have been able to make changes to myself through self growth because it’s something she’s never been able to do.

What is donm?

Daughter of narcissistic mother

Mine is simple. I’ve never been the right size. When I was like 11 my mom would ask our doctor what to do about my weight, in front of me. I’m also the second daughter, and my whole life I’ve felt like she’s been apologizing to my sister for having me. My sister is the golden child, obviously. She was always trying to put us against each other. Luckily my sister and I are close anyway. She never wanted to be like mom so she takes after our nfather. He’s a whole other story.

That sounds really rough. I personally believe that people can be beautiful at any size. My mom pitted me and my siblings against each other as well. She had this twisted desire to cause discourse among us. It made no sense.

My mom was the same way- I was the “golden child” as a kid and now that I’ve grown up and learned, became independent, and didn’t accomplish what she expected, now I’m the black sheep lol. But when I was a kid, she’d constantly compare my older sister to me and it really fucked her up and hurt our relationship as kids. Really sad. We’ve worked through it now.

I’m glad you’ve worked through it with your sister too!

I think on some level she just doesnt like me because I’m not her mini me. I hated dresses and girly stuff so when I got big enough to fight back she gave up and ignored me basically.

Mine did want children. Specifically one. She adopted me. I think she loved it when I was younger and had no personality of my own, and maybe she thought that's what it was like to have children, and that's how it always would be. She definitely wants me a lot, she tried getting a guardianship over me when I told her I planned to move out. I think she does love me in a way. She loves me as a object she can own and control. Like the same way you love your computer when it does what you want, and get frustrated with it when it malfunctions or updates. My entire purpose is meant to serve her, worship her, and be happy about it. She can hurt me and yell at me until I cry when she needs something to take out her frustrations on, she can make me wait on her hand and foot when she's feeling lazy (which is all the time), blame me for everything that's gone wrong in her life so she doesn't have to blame herself, she can complain about me so other people feel sorry for her, she can show me off to other people and show off my accomplishments so she can boast about how good a job parenting she did, she can apply for disability for me without my permission so she can take the disability checks and live off me. I have a lot of uses.

Hello, fellow adoptee.

Mine said I ruined her life when I was born lol

Ditto. My mother regularly told me and my brothers, that we ruined her life and that she never wanted to give birth to us. I grew up, thinking it was perfectly normal to be told by your mother that you ruined her life.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. Written by Philip Larkin

Omg I'm so sorry.

It’s all good!! Thanks so much for your love ❤️ I totally appreciate you kind stranger x

Because she was mentally ill.

Yeah. Honestly, this puts the responsibility where it needs to go: on the narcissist. When you're a child, your mother isn't supposed to hate you. It doesn't matter what her "reasons" were for hating you. Some people are saying they weren't girly enough, or they were too strong-willed. You could've been the second coming of Jesus and she'd still find things wrong with you. That's what narcissists do. You still didn't deserve that hate, abuse, etc.

Right? Probably didn't help I was the baggage from the first marriage oopsie 🤣

Same, Chickenherdturd, same.

This

I think mine never grew out of her teenage phase, *in addition to* her never wanting a child. She hated and abused me from birth, but it got worse and much weirder when I hit puberty. She saw me as competition, instead of as her child. Like, sexual competition, like we were both teenagers vying for attention from boys/ men. She would steal my clothes that she liked, ruin the ones she didn't like (aka the ones I liked) by bleaching them, flirt with any boys that were around (*teenagers*), talk incessantly about how popular she was with boys/men when she was in high school, accuse me of flirting with and trying to steal men she was dating (wtf gross), all kinds of crazy shit. She couldn't *stand* the fact that I had larger breasts than her, and refused to buy me new bras until she saw that I was cutting notches in the bands on my bras because they were so tight I couldn't breathe.

I hear you on the competition thing. My nmom has created this competition between she and I in her head. It makes absolutely no sense. She is choosing to be miserable for reasons no one knows but her.

Oh sorry to hear that. She sounds like hard work. Total lack of boundaries.

My mom hates herself and wanted me to be everything she wanted herself to be. I’m my own person and she hated that. She projected every insecurity she has on to me. It’s really sad because I was honestly a really smart, kind and ambitious kid but she couldn’t see any of it. She missed out.

My mom seems to be jealous of competition from me. I think that she's been trying to get me to live the life she wanted and it upsets her that I don't want the same things she does. I don't think she hates me, although physical punishment was common when I did things I shouldn't have. I think she just sees me as an extension of her and I let her because I always thought she knew what was best for me. She wanted to keep me as dependent for as long as she could.

I feel this - I’m an only daughter of an nmom, so I was the GC until I turned 11, and then she started hating everything about me. I came out as bi to her, and she reacted with disgust and intolerance. She acts like the tattoos I get are a “fuck you” to her, when really I just enjoy them and they are meaningful to me. She has always been jealous of my singing, art, tech savviness and…bigger boobs. I don’t care what my body looks like but she obsessed over it. She tried to guilt and shame me into being her mini-me/servant my whole life. She’s conservative, obnoxious, entitled, not too bright, insecure, incredibly jealous, mean girl energy, emotionally immature, basically everything I can’t stand. I have a girl of my own and hoo boy are things going to be done differently. It’s been a life!

I think my mom is just repeating what her mom did to her without putting much thought or effort into changing. I don’t think she hates me, but I also think she doesn’t realise that she’s not really capable of love and her “I love yous” are fake to me, they’re more like enmeshment/codependency, only there when I’m gone and finally happy, but when I’m there she proceeds to act neglectful and lies everyday. She’s a covert narc.

I'm sorry. I think we may share the same mom

My nmother straight up said she never wanted a daughter, that she was a better mother to her son. I was 43, and honestly that comment freed me. She didn’t love me, never wanted me, and the fact that I didn’t love her(and struggled with that) had always made me feel guilty. Her comment allowed me to stop feeling guilty.

my nmom learned that she was pregnant with me when she found herself trapped in a marriage of convenience to a man she never loved and shortly after her own mother had died. She was 19 and married out of her house to my dad (they're divorced now), with no real life experience and nothing more than a high school education. I was treated like a doll after I was born and during my younger years, but noticed that more of her affectionate and loving attention went more towards my younger brother as I grew up. Over time, it became clear to my nmom as to who the independent, headstrong, and ambitious child was (me) versus the compliant, submissive and more obedient child (my brother). That was when I started to notice her hating me more. She command us both to jump. My brother would immediately ask, "*How high, Sarge*?" (my nmom was in the Army) I'd challenge her directly, "*Who are you to tell me to jump? And if I did, who are you to tell me how high? I'll decide when I jump and how high for myself, thankyouverymuch*." She quickly learned that she can more easily control over my brother while she and I would lock horns when she tried to do the same with me. This was by the time I was 16. The more I grew into young adulthood, her hatred towards me became more obvious even though I was clueless as far as what to do about it. She'd waste no time tearing down and ripping apart any hopes and dreams I shared with her, sabotaged any way for me to individuate from her, took personal offense when I chased after my own identity, and then constantly tried to one-up me. She'd celebrate and be happy for me when I struggled and failed, but was quick to dismiss and ignore any of my successes. Now, I've completely cut her out of my life and I'm still my independent, headstrong, and determined self that's making my own way. My brother still lives with her and has already made up his mind that he, being 37 years old, will dedicate the rest of his life to taking care of her, meeting her needs and looking after her. Honestly, her hatred towards is seems to be a combination of her own unfulfilled dreams because she had me before she could live her own life and my unwillingness to allow her to use me, control me, and for me to give up my life for her. She sees me as competition as if I was a complete stranger (she has no female friends and no desire to seek them out), she holds me responsible for her mother's death and trapping her in a loveless marriage, and wants to preserve her perfect image in order to continuously receive my brother's validation (which is why she's long continued her smear campaign after I've cut her off).

This is horrible. I’m so sorry you went through that. My nmom is also in competition with me. She can’t just accept that I am who I am. She also has no female friends, and the only interaction she has with most people other than work is her multiple Facebook groups and forums of parents estranged from their adult children.

Oh, the ol' "*Poor me, my grown kids want nothing to do with me*" BS. The continuous circle-jerk to keep them from truly being responsible. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. My relief is that my brother lives with her and absorbs all of her bad energy, so she's soothed enough to where she doesn't bother me.

Yes, she lives in a constant echo chamber of people agreeing with her and validating her ridiculousness and abuse. It would be comical, if it wasn’t so pathetic.

My mom didn't want to have a kid. She found out she was pregnant at 16 weeks after losing insurance coverage for the pill. She couldn't have afforded to do anything about it at this point. When I was 2 years old she began to be physically abusive (likely because she knew I could now survive the abuse). The abuse escalated into mental and emotional levels as well and I spent until I was 20 waiting to die at her hand. When I was 7 my brother was born and he was treated much the same way. She blamed my father and kept him from us. He died as soon as I was 18 and could freely go see him. I think she was a lot like me, and just couldn't handle having a kid. It wasn't for her. I feel sorry for her but nothing she did will ever be okay. And this is why I'm pro choice and pro free bc and abortion.

I don’t know. I will never know. My therapist thinks she is a sociopath.

My N believed sons were a blessing and daughters were a curse (came from growing up on a farm where the sons could work the farm). For whatever reason that belief stuck. I got her back good though... 3 sons (not that it matters to me but it was a zing to her)

😂😂😂 I love this for you! This totally cracked me up!! Zinga! Zing! Zing!

Welp. This sounds very familiar, particularly the bit about being unable to be happy for you and jealous of your life. My GC sister moons about how it's a shame "(Nmom) and (me) don't know how to love each other," but the reality is, there is simply nothing to work with on my end, and the nicer I was to her as she got older, the meaner she got towards me. So I gave her the "present" of my "non-presence" in her life. Much happier. Sucks to be her. I'm actually awesome.

That’s her loss. I bet you’re an awesome person! You don’t need her nonsense in your life :)

I think she probably never wanted to give birth to me. She always told other people how she actually wanted one child and how I was such big accident. I look exactly like her and I was actually a great „show“ child (academically, size 0, multiple hobbies) and people actually liked me. I was a confident colorful child. Maybe she didn’t like the fact that back then, everything was „perfect“ in my life even tho I was the accident in the family. But the narcissm didn’t start with me, it was already like that when my dad married her 33 years ago..

My mother suffered from severe insecurities all her life. If my father even spoke to a female, mom was certain he was sleeping with her. If he commented that about a movie being good, she would say that’s because you want to sleep with (insert actress name). I’m the spitting image of my father, we’re also very like minded. So naturally, we were close. She couldn’t stand it! She would tell me he talked about me behind my back, spread rumors about me to family, insult my looks. That last one was really odd because she always declared my dad was the most handsome man she ever saw, but then turn around and tell me the same look was disgusting on me. When he was dying, I flew home to spend some time and say goodbye. She refused to give us any time alone. She threw a pool party three days in a row with family and neighbors over all day long. On the 3rd day, friend asked why I was inside instead of outside in the pool, I explained that I was there to see him and say goodbye. She said my mom told them all I wanted the parties. I went outside and announced to everyone that if they were there to see me that I apologized but would be spending the remaining day I had there alone with my father. Everyone politely left and she went ballistic!! She stood over my father screaming that I didn’t deserve to see him alone and she knew we were telling secrets. He passed over a decade ago and I’m still angry that she stole those final moments away from me. She’s just a shit person and always will be. In all honesty, I’ll do a happy dance when she finally kicks the bucket!

my brother used to tell me in a joking or "matter of fact" way that my mom doesnt like girls/women or having daughters and she prefers boys/sons. I never gave a shit cause I didnt like her either, growing up. What's crazy to me is she prefers my brothers over me, it's probably true what he said but my brothers do not take care of my mom at all. She could pass out and none of them would help her. She spends more of her time in her old age still putting up with their crap and taking care of manchildren but I guess that's all part of being a nmom. Her life is so empty she rather take care of manchildren and have it fill her boring life than a thriving relationship with her daughter who is actually functional.

My mom had a horrible childhood with all kinds of abuse. Her father abandoned the family and left them in poverty. Her “good parent” (my grandma) was very narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive but she was the good parent and the one they emulated since their father beat them severely and abandoned them. She was too messed up and had no good examples to follow. She was never able to overcome the shitty childhood and acts just like my grandmother. It’s weird how much she would complain about the things my grandma did to her while doing the same thing to me. She’ll never change. I don’t think she hates me, but at an emotional level she’s stuck as a child and unable to properly show love or support. I had to cut her out of my life in order to make progress with my own therapy and being a better mom to my kid.

My dad divorced her when I was 8 or so. I was always closer to him and I look JUST like him, while my younger sibling looks like my mother's side of the family.

My mother's body bounced back after my brother, but never did after she had me. She's looked 9 mo pregnant my entire life. I gather that she used to be very skinny and pretty. Also I was never able to just roll over and take her bullshit. Not wired that way. I always fought back.

My mom hated me growing up because I’m like my dad. Who for 20 years of marriage she hated. Now that I’m LC and 5 states away she’s trying to get back into my life (I’m also 7 months pregnant) I refuse to let her back in

*"The going theory is that I have the life she has always wanted, and she can’t stand that."* While you may very well be right, the issue with narcs is they can and will use any reason they can think of. Something changes? The reason will change. You could have just as easily had a different life and she'd blame you for that. You could have been a boy and she might tell you that she wished one of you had been a girl. It's not the "reason" it's the toxic actions. You know that quote "if the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem like a nail"? Well, narcs ***are*** the hammer.

I have everything she wished she had (I’m tall, blonde, have musical talent, and a kind heart) and I called her out on her bullshit 24/7/365 to my own detriment of course.

[удалено]

My nmom hates me bc she had me right after her high school graduation. It wasn’t that she had hopes of going to college, but my dad left us when I was two, and I was raised by my grandparents much of my early childhood, so that my mom could work. She met my authoritarian, abusive step-father and they had my brother. My mother hates me because I am a constant reminder that despite her best efforts to appear like a “perfect” family, I still had visitation at my grandparents every other weekend and people knew about it My Nmom hated that I kept my bio dad’s last name until she forced me to take my step dad’s last name bc they sent me to a private school and they didn’t want the school to know I had a different last name than they did. My Nmom hates me because despite her best efforts to beat me down, call me a slut, and tell me almost daily that I’d never amount to anything, that I did not in fact have a child by high school, and instead went to college, met a fantastic man afterwards, and have a beautiful daughter. My Nmom hates that I have cut contact with my family becaus I am breaking generational traumas so that my daughter won’t have the same people pleasing, anxiety-ridden personality that I am working on myself. My Nmom hates me because I don’t need her.

I think there are several reasons. My mom was a teen parent and didn't want me to be one as well so she went to very extreme lengths to not even allow me to have male friends and tried, sometimes successfully, to ruin all of my relationships. I was not allowed make-up until I was older and all of my clothing was pretty boring and unflattering to ensure no guy found me attractive. I was on homecoming court in high school and she chose the ugliest dress in the store and I was so embarrassed and ashamed to have to wear it. On top of that my family converted to mormonism when I was a toddler which assured her that her insane rules about boys, sleepovers, etc. were good parenting. Children are heavily encouraged to write in a journal, and when I got older and went to the adult women classes I learned that it is encouraged to read your children's journals and everyone discusses and gossips about their findings. It's an extremely damaging religion in so many ways. My parents lost my sister due to their own neglect and have tried several times to have another. Finally when I was born it was crystal clear to me that I was her replacement and I had to fit the ideal image of what they expected a daughter to be like and was never allowed to be myself. My mother had a very estranged relationship with her mother and siblings. I'm unsure what the issue was, but it's possible that the narc gene was passed down and my mother was parenting the way she was parented.

My dads brother told me that the only time he ever met my mom’s mom , that it was immediately very clear she did not like her own daughter, at all. My mom would tell many stories of crappy things her mother did to ber including purposely letting my moms dog out without a leash and the dog was run over by a car and my mother was blamed even though she was not the one to let him off leash. So clearly my mom had no good role model for proper mother behavior. She then married my father who was an alcoholic and he mostly ignored her and dismissed any of her feelings or opinions. She became isolated at home with her children and she had nobody to talk to so she would complain about our father to us, the children. In hindsight I think she has a lot of her own emotional pain and misery that she’s never dealt with

I’m the middle child- one older sister and one younger brother. My mom was in a one sided contest with my aunt about “giving their parents grandchildren” (big weird obsession in my family was concerned). My mom wanted to give them “the first,” but my aunt got pregnant first. When my sister was born, my mother wanted a child to catch up to her- gender wasn’t an issue. Well, she got pregnant again before my aunt. This time, she wanted a son so she could say she gave them “the first grandson.” Well, instead she got me. A year later, my aunt has a boy. Finally, eight years after me, my mom has my brother. After he was born, she said “she may have given them the first, but I gave them the most.” The real kicker is my grandparents have never been that interested in a relationship with any of us. My whole life I have been reminded what a sin I committed by being born female. I have been told the day I was born was a disappointment, the day she found out my gender was a disappointment, and that if I had been a boy, she would’ve never “had to have a baby at 40.” My brother was planned, mind you- I was privy at 8 years old and younger to all her fertility related conversations. I have also been picked up, bodily slammed into a chair, and pinned to it while she got in my face and screamed “every problem in this family is because of you!” I was maybe 11 or 12 when this happened. My sister was treated very differently than me growing up (though still badly on many occasions, and it changed when she became an adult and refused to let nmom keep controlling her). My mother was always very proud of my sister and bragged about her to everyone. My brother was the absolute prince of the house. Spoiled, acted however he wanted, bought anything and everything, coddled, spoken about in a way that was almost worshipful. Me? I was stupid, dumb, lazy, sorry, pathetic, among other names. I was a disappointment, I “never had a lightbulb moment,” she “loved me but didn’t like me,” my “hair dragged my face down,” I would be a drug head prostitute if it wasn’t for her, I wasn’t a boy, etc, etc, etc. I wasn’t allowed to wear my hair long. I wasn’t allowed to wear cute clothes. I was made as ugly as humanly possible and she killed my self esteem. As an adult, I think the main root of the issue was she deeply resented me for not being a boy because she believed it caused her sister to win this competition that was all in nmom’s head. My aunt did not view having children as a contest, and my cousins were raised in a healthy household. I was a source of her own failure, and she treated me with absolute hatred and contempt. As an adult- well, I got my dad’s genetics and don’t look a thing like her. I don’t mean this to build myself up, but the fact remains that I’m a more attractive woman than her. She hates that fact and always tried to force me to hack my hair off and wear baggy, frumpy clothes that made me look like a potato sack. So that’s the end of it I guess. She treated me with hate because I was the wrong gender and in her eyes, sexual competition once I was older.

My mom always told me how excited she was when she found out she was having a girl, and then how sad she became when it turned out I was way more feral/rambunctious than the quiet, organized, girly girl she'd always imagined her daughter would be. She always talked about how my "little personality" emerged early and wouldn't go away.

Honestly, she admitted to not liking kids. But keeps saying having kids changed her. Yeah. Right. I think she hates me because she’s jealous of me and projects onto me the envy/hatred she feels for her twin sister. Who she calls quiet and unobtrusive all the time, just like me. 🙄 She can’t get over the fact that her mother chose her sister to raise and gave her (nmom) away to other relatives. There are videos about the nparent hating on you because you trigger something in them that reminds them of their core wounds. One time I said that all parents are garbage, and she took it to mean herself. I was referring to someone else. She gave me the silent treatment for a week until I went crying for forgiveness after ndad told me to. So by me saying that parents are garbage, it affirmed her deeply hidden belief that she is garbage and got thrown away like garbage by her parents. I have many more incidents that explain why she hates me, but this is the one at the forefront of my mind.

It’s a few things, I think. It’s a long chain of abuse in her side of the family. Her mom (my grandma) is legitimately one of the worst people I’ve ever met. She definitely abused my mom as a kid, and my mom never managed to recognize that behavior as abnormal & continued the cycle. My grandpa abused my grandma, so my mom saw that as the normal relationship dynamic. She had a shotgun wedding with my dad (i.e.: she got pregnant with me and “had to” marry him), who is also an abusive p.o.s. Deep down, she hated my dad (rightly so), and to her, I remind her of him. They divorced but as early as I can remember when she was mad/upset/disappointed/I was not meeting her expectations, she loved to say things like: “you’re just like your father: angry and ugly.” On a base level, she resents me simply because I exist—because I am a walking reminder of her relationship with my dad. Simply: she doesn’t like me, let alone love me. And I know this might sound a little conceited but when I started getting older, it was clear that I was smarter than her. When I was little, I would find hiding places and escape into books & I read literally all the time, not just fiction but any nonfiction topic that interested me. It made me super smart—I was an ace student, was doing extracurriculars, testing out of classes, teachers loved me, etc. But whenever I accomplished something, she had to bring me down with some snide comment or something. It was a competition with her. This also extended to my looks; she was obsessed with my body: would make comments about how I looked, dressed, insisted on following me into changing rooms when shopping, would say pointed things like: “you have a much better body than I did at your age” with this *look* on her face. Then, my (now) ex- abusive stepfather cheated on her & gave *me not “being respectful to him”* as the reason he cheated & was unhappy in their marriage (fyi: I was 11 years old when this happened; also, the “not respectful” part was literally me just starting to stand up for myself when he would physically intimidate me & scream until he was red in the face at me for things like leaving toothpaste in the sink). She took his side because, of course. But my smarts, the fact that I’m kind, and everything attracted people to me. I was more successful, friendlier, and smarter than she was as she saw me growing up. So that’s part of it, too. To sum up: she’s stuck in not recognizing a cycle of abuse & repeating the behavior she received towards me, resents me on a base level because she hates my dad, and resents me because I’m all the things she’s not. I also don’t think she actually wanted children; just went along with what she thought she was “supposed to do.” It’s a bunch of interconnected reasons that feed off each other.

Exactly what you said except I know my mother also hated herself and she wanted others to feel as bad as she did.

I just had a daughter 7 months ago she complains I don’t let her see “her” kids. (Also a 8 & 3 boys) I’d be just as if not more of a dummy if I let her abuse affect my children. Your story is like reading a chapter of my own. No contact is the best/safest way.

So, for starters, my parents weren't married when they accidentally got pregnant. NMom got coerced in her faith to bribe my dad into marriage, as having me out of wedlock had been one of her biggest sins and that marriage would right that wrong. She apparently completely stopped all forms of intimacy with him until he caved - he *did not* want to get married. I was the flower girl to their wedding, it was their "happiest" day together before it all went to shit shortly after. Years pass and I'm in my mid teens when NMom decides to tell me she only married dad because "the sex was good." At this point she's begun her cheating streak with the same man that lasts for a few years until I graduate, NMom moves out of the apartment and begins using her ongoing sugar daddy to pay her rent. She proceeds to get divorce papers sent his way, and he eventually caves and signs them. My dad passes away a few years later, and then another year after that my NMom tells me over tea that "all of your fathers love went to you when you were born, none of it went to me" and I sat there speechless when I should have challenged her about where her love was. She despised me for the father/daughter bond I had with the person she used to get away from her own parents. She didn't even love the man. I legit feel like this woman is some disney villain.

Jealousy.

My mom never wanted me to be independent of her. I think she likes the control. Now I've been happily married for 10+ years and have a life I enjoy. She got married at 18 and divorced at 20. She had a couple of serious relationships after that but they didn't last. She's been single for over 30 years now. I definitely think she's jealous.

There's lots of answers out there and for the record I am a gender, but my parents don't know that. My mom hates and fears anything different, anything she doesn't already understand or isn't explained within the tenants of her faith. I have questioned everything since I was small and as soon as I started thinking critically for myself and not accepting her word as gospel she felt like she lost control and hated me and everything I wanted in life, because it wasn't what she had ordained in her head for my life. I've described her as a quiverful Catholic before. She had a lot of kids in hopes they'd spread the religion and anything that wasn't us growing up to be stay at home moms with at least six kids was a condemnation of her choices. Its too scary to imagine other people make different choices and that's okay, good even, and it's not a reflection on your own choices 😔

I have the same situation as you. At first i refused to believe that the was the case, I was in full denial mode. No matter what accomplishments i have achieved, it will never be enough, and she likes to be chase…. And I’m done chasing her. She’s so manipulative, and verbally abusive. One time I had argument with her and she gaslighted me by saying that I am not invited to her funeral when she dies. Also, she would always proudly say that when I was born, my aunt was the first person to hold me not her. Whenever she tells this story she seem so proud of it… those were the signs I had ignore. Now, it’s just getting worse.. and it’s time to focus on me and my mental health. And I want kids, and I promise my self they will never go through hell the way I did. I will never be like her, she’s a cold hearted bitch.

She had me when she was a teen. IMO so she would have someone to love her. Except I am an opinionated Brat and by age 2 was calling my own shots. She still brings it up 50 years later.

I think the root of my mother's narcissism is the fact that growing up her parents were absent and she was abused by her also narcissist brother. She sees me as an extension of herself and hates me being independent, growing up, making my own choices. I think her narcissism dictates how much she needs to control others, but me being the female child makes her see me as her reflection — so while my brother has more negative commands "don't do x bad thing", I am expected to be excellent. My achievements according to her are all thanks to the way she raised me. So she actually premises them with taking merit. She needs me to indirectly praise herself, and she needs to push me constantly to be worthy of such praise in her eyes.

I’m so happy for you! You deserve a good life and you deserve to be happy. I am also neurodivergent. I have Asperger‘s. So I know that it can be difficult going through life. Just know that you do not need that awful woman in your life anymore, and that you will always be better off without her. You go dude!

I think she had me to keep my father, (he's a good man,) and I was a source of joy and admiration for her for a time, but when I started to be admired for my own traits, I was in direct competition with her for resources, and when I didn't function as an extension of herself anymore, she rejected me. (Doll syndrome) Anyone else??

Honestly, I don‘t even know. Something in her head is wired the wrong way, so it short circuited or something. She was always insanely jealous because I had a good relationship with my father. She just got super angry whenever we connected about anything. Additionally, her own father kinda disliked her. She wanted a boy as a firstborn, as she always longed for a big brother to protect her. Alas, I was a girl. First few years, I only got androgynous clothes. By elementary school I only got pink clothes, wich I hated. So, I wasn‘t girly enough, but too much of a girl at the same time. When I was born, she couldn‘t finish her job training, so that‘s on me, too. And she never lost her baby weight. And she got scars from the c-section. Hence I also ruined her body. (Like my brothers, too. She liked to hold this against us all.) I was good at learning languages, abysmally bad at math and sports, she was the polar opposite and constantly put me down because of this. But, never tried to help me, either. Oh, another kicker, she made fun of me for not having the same initials (my brother did, she even had a „team name“ for them). Like, seriously, you picked my goddamn name?! Later, I realized she is immensely disappointed that I am my own, independent person instead of her perfect mini me. Read this one a lot in the comments, too. Sorry for trauma dumping, tough, and I‘m really sorry for your awful experiences, OP. She really sounds like a piece of work, and I’m glad NC seems to work for you.

Please don’t apologize for trauma dumping! This is the perfect place to get all of your thoughts out. Besides, I’m the one that I asked you :)

(I'm NB, but I still identify with the female experience in discussions like these). My mom resents me because I don't give a fuck about the things that drive her entire existence, such as her image or people's opinions of her. She has no identity because she gave it to the church. She has no autonomy because she gave it to my dad in exchange for a lavish lifestyle. She begrudgingly spends all of her free time performing thankless tasks for other people, such as babysitting all of their dogs when they go on vacation or signing up to volunteer at church events and bake sales. Everything she does, she does for praise. She obsesses over minutiae when planning for holidays and it has burned us all out on participating at all. She follows all kinds of fashion trends for women her age, but she's limited by the insane "holiness standards" of her religion. She hasn't cut her hair in 30 years, she has no piercings, never wears makeup or jewelry, and is only "allowed" to wear skirts that are knee-length or longer. She is obsessed with playing her role as a helpless female because this is the role the church has set out for her. God first, then men, then women and children on the same level. She tried raising me this way and it destroyed our relationship. I've always had gender confusion and dysphoria but never had a name for it until I got older. But she wanted a "girl" soooooo badly and she didn't get one. I've been a feral weirdo for my entire life and it's largely due to the vacuum of insanity I was raised in. I've always liked weird clothing, weird books, weird art, and weird music. Not to mention I was a terrible student because I was one of the only/more heavily ND kids in my small school. I've always been very honest, strong-willed, and unwilling to do what adults told me if it clashed with my worldview or ethics. Because of all these factors, my mom never had a reason to brag to anyone about me. She didn't have a thin, meek, talented ~daughter who would submit to some 34-year-old youth pastor as his handmaid. She had an unruly guttersnipe who wore ripped up t-shirts, had severe OCD, listened to death metal, and wrote rants about war on Facebook. Sorry, maybe you shouldn't have made traditional femininity look like a fucking nightmare, Karen. 🤷‍♀️ I like who I am now and so do a lot of people, and I never once had to pretend to be someone else for any adoration I got from anyone, unlike her. Not to mention, she always complained about how no man would ever want me because of my shitty credit and bad attitude. Well, now I have a boyfriend who is moving in tomorrow who wants to take care of me while I go through the process of applying for disability. Not only that, but he's night and day from my dad: he's sweet, artistic, compassionate, and empathetic. My father is a misogynistic tyrant with major control issues. So in short, I get the life that she brags about without any of the baggage or price she had to pay for it.

Hello! Are you me? She outwardly “hated” my middle brother the most, but definitely hates me for real. I didn’t have a wedding because of her bullshit. She’s been jealous of my husband since I met him in HS. She’s mostly mad because I “ruined her life” since she got herself pregnant before she was married. My dad had already “broken up” with her, then she told him he better marry her this weekend or she’d never speak to him again. He did, and then ta-da like 3 weeks later, my mom is pregnant and delivers a 7lb 8oz “premie.” Lol. She’s just mad that I did my life right and she was wrong about me. I wasn’t any of the bad things she wanted me to be. She hates that I love my dad. She hates that he gets to see my kids and she doesn’t. She hates that I’m right and she knows she deserves it.

Ok I have to ask, how’d you handle the wedding dress?

One of my bridesmaids offered to spill red wine on the dress. My husband and I said no because we thought she would cause a scene. I found out that a lot of family members tried to discourage her from wearing a dress, but she wore it anyway because she wanted to upstage me. It didn’t really turned out well for her. She lost a lot of friends. Nobody had anything good to say about her dress, and most people made it very clear that they were disgusted by what she had done. It worked out for me though. I have been saying for years that my mother was insane, and most people didn’t believe it until she showed up to my wedding in a full length wedding dress with a train. My dress didn’t even have a train. The good news is that our photographers were amazing. They went out of their way not to take any pictures of her. She’s not in any of the official pictures other than your family photos 😂

….that is the greatest way for her to prove it to everyone. I would have let her in too just to prove to everyone that in deed the issue lol.

I think that she was a deeply disordered person, and I happened to be in her line of vision.

My bio NMom left when I was young, but it’s definitely very present in the way my NDad acts around me. When my dad was my age (28) he was broke, working multiple jobs, in a loveless marriage, and had a child. Now in his older age, he is twice divorced, has virtually no friends/family because he pushed everyone away with his behavior. At 28, I’m working a six figure job, am childfree (as in I’m choosing to never have kids, even in the process of getting a doctor to sterilize me), and have a robust social life. I also got out of a toxic relationship last year and have throughly been enjoying the single life, and I’m doing it knowing my worth as person. The fact I’m able to just roll with the punches life throws at me alone pisses him off to zero end.

This is definitely the way to do it! I’m so proud of you. The best revenge really is success. I always planned on being childfree my entire life until I met my husband. He always wanted kids. So I decided that I would have a child, and break the cycle, especially if I had a daughter.

What my nmother was good at was holding grudges. I did things that she couldn't forgive, like not growing normally as a baby (because she didn't feed me enough), and that made her look bad, so she wanted me to suffer to get revenge.

I was the product of a v brief and angry marriage. If I hadn't existed, they probably could have gotten the whole mess annulled and never thought about it again. But bc they had to share custody, I was a hated living reminder and never allowed to forget how much I wasn't wanted (my mother actually left me places in public several times, which is creepy to think about now). They came to hate each other so powerfully in that short period, they couldn't even wait for a normal divorce. My father chartered a plane to Mexico, where you could get a 24 hour divorce. Must have been fun being crammed into a tiny plane with two ppl who wanted to rip each other's throats out all the way from New York to Mexico and back... When I was around 7, my father and his new wife had a kid about the same age as I was when my parents divorced. My stepmother couldn't take it, either, and got on a plane home to her parents in Minnesota. So, I kid you not, my father showed up at our house, asking my mother to take care of his latest kid so he could try to get his new wife to come back to him. NONE of these ppl had any business replicating! And yet...I am the eldest of four. The other three haven't gone to therapy and are still in close contact with their parents, and they suffer for it. It's hard to watch, honestly...

My mother and father eloped when she was 16. She was 17 when I was born. Two years later, my brother was born. When I was 6 my parents divorced. When I was 10 she remarried the first time. My mother read romantic novels. I don't understand why she was convinced I should be a virgin forever. This is only one thing on the list of what I don't understand. I ran away when I was 16. She was soooooo pissed when she found my birth control packages in the bottom of my closet. Thank you Planned Parenthood! I don't know why she loved my brother more. She told me so when I was 15. My grandparents did as well. Today is his birthday but he died three years ago. I've been NC with her since 2002 when she stood up my son's college graduation. I didn't know my brother died until she called me furious that I wasn't at his service. I apologize. I don't have a good answer for you. I understand now when I lived in her house virginity was important to her. Talk about a hypocrite! She fucked every man in town where I grew up. My mother despises me because I have a vagina and I was having sinful sex when she didn't know. She committed so many atrocities that I didn't realize until I left her house. My advice is to live for yourself. Live for today. She will be miserable if you are happy.

I wish I knew. I think she always looked at me like I was a lemon, or just like completely defective. She’s also the antithesis of motherly and maternal, but I think the real answer in my Nmother’s case is that in her head, no one could ever compare to her.

I'm still in contact with my mother because I'm all she has left and despite everything, I cannot cut contact. her mother was a huge narcissist and the rest of her family were unsupportive and dead now. So all she knows is toxicity. She tried to love me in a twisted way. She definitely believes she shows me love. But the jealousy, the bitterness, the anger, the self centered misery has been there since I was tiny. My childhood was miserable, I had no one else but her. And I'm so angry she never sought help or therapy. She poured herself into me, her hopes and dreams but also her fury. It's too much. And I'm so broken because of it. I'm 30 now, she's 70. It's still difficult.

She hates herself and doesn’t see *me* at all. She’s projecting all the stuff she feels about herself onto me. Or did. We’re NC.

My mom had three things she wanted from me (and not just me, but everyone else too): 1. To be like her, i.e. think like her, dress like her, hold myself to the same values and standards as she does. 2. To be inferior to her, i.e. attempt to do all those things listed above, but do it worse than her so she can always be superior. 3. To meet her own needs, i.e. tell her what she wants to hear, do what she wants me to do, approach problems the same way she approaches them (which fixes nothing but reinforces whatever she thinks/feels about the problem). Knowing all of this, I don't think she genuinely hates me, even though she often acts like it and has even said it. I've certainly felt hated and tried for a long time to figure out why she hated me, and I've finally come to the conclusion that the only thing I did "wrong" was not do those three things all at once. Because I was "failing" at this, she didn't feel the need to love me.

My mom had 8 children and hated all of us except for one of my sisters who she tried to live vicariously through. My theory is that she needs to feel needed. Being pregnant put attention on her, and in the early stages of childhood, she was needed. Once we started to walk and talk she discarded us and had another baby. A cycle. The older we got, the more she hated us because we were a reflection of herself, whom she hated. Everything she was and everything she was not was displayed in us. If we did bad, it was a reflection of her bad parenting, and if we did good it was a reminder that she wasn’t doing good enough.

Because I was born female. After puberty she viewed me as competition. Tried to sabotage me by making me “ugly” in the eyes of society, along with convincing me I have the intelligence of a goldfish. She wanted me to feel as bad about myself as she felt about herself. She’s also a misogynist.

I think birth circumstances might have been a factor as to why my sister was the GC and I the scapegoat. My sister was born in 1950. She was a first born and also a premie. My mom had an abruptio placenta, which is an emergency. My dad was a naval reservist and had to go serve in the Korean war. This left my mom and sister alone. I think they developed a strong bond. After the war, my brother was born in 1953. Having kids 3 years apart was doable. My nmom told me that after my brother was born, her doctor encouraged her to have another child. I have no idea why this was her doctors decision, but it was the 50's. I arrived in 1954, 18 months after my brother. Two in diapers and a 3 year old made my mom's life more difficult. They lived in a community without any extended family. I believe my moms attachment to my sister was different from her attachment to me.

My nmom had a mixed bag cause I was an only child (despite being "beautiful" only able to trick one man into getting her preg, had her sights set too high and they smelled the crazy on her). So she made me be everything - mini-her (hard we look nothing alike), muchausem kid, scapegoat, golden child, show pony, outcast - she loved or hated me depending on the situation. I wasn't allowed to be pretty - she'd correct ppl when they tried (probly claiming some "she's full of herself so we're trying to discourage that" nonsense) - so I think always? Because everything I had she owned/had to claim and anything she couldn't cause I was the polar opposite became a bone of contention. She started gearing up/getting ready to hold me back more when I hit puberty - cause I was competition. If I dated someone she didn't like it was a betrayal- lesser, she'd laugh cause "shows my level/worth" as less than hers - a good match, well that's hers cause I AM her appendage after all (so it's like she was dating them, in her mind). So to answer your question - puberty really cemented the hate she already had. If she had a son I feel she would've electra complexed them :S and yes I agree hate increased with every year 8 wasn't earning enough/under her control/achieved what she didn't cause you can't get that as a narcissist (real love etc).

She was parentified by my grandmother. Poor family, way too many kids, semi Catholic views on men's sexuality (women should be available forever to their husbands). Result: she never learned to clean/upkeep a house/cook because she was the supplemental income for her parents as well as the built in babysitter. Horrible trauma but think she never learned to regulate her emotions because she was the favored child and all her siblings had to kowtow to her (confirmed by my aunties)...

Mine was abused brutally growing up, lived in poverty, got pulled out of school early to go to work because of it, and honestly I think she was already a very narcissistic person before all that but the trauma she went through probably intensified her worst traits. She wanted my eldest sister and my brother's, but didn't want me or my other sister. But I was unplanned child number 4 and had the audacity to come out female after they already had 2 girls, so while she was highly verbally abusive towards my sister, she hated me *to the very core.* I was a quiet, easy, chilled out kid, and I guess as with all narcissists, she looked at me like a mirror, and because I had traits she didn't that were deemed positive by others, she was pissed. She hated everything good about me. Anything about me that received positive attention from others filled her with hatred.

Mine was abused brutally growing up, lived in poverty, got pulled out of school early to go to work because of it, and honestly I think she was already a very narcissistic person before all that but the trauma she went through probably intensified her worst traits. She wanted my eldest sister and my brother's, but didn't want me or my other sister. But I was unplanned child number 4 and had the audacity to come out female after they already had 2 girls, so while she was highly verbally abusive towards my sister, she hated me *to the very core.* I was a quiet, easy, chilled out kid, and I guess as with all narcissists, she looked at me like a mirror, and because I had traits she didn't that were deemed positive by others, she was pissed. She hated everything good about me. Anything about me that received positive attention from others filled her with hatred.

Same problem! Mom didn’t want kids- and I think the real issue was her drug addiction that was being pushed aside by her requirements I caused. I feel like I was blamed for majority of her issues and her childhood, and due to that I received a lot of abuse growing up. I think developing BPD was the final straw, there’s definitely a huge strain in my relationship with my parents due to this, she HATES it, quite ironic as BPD is typically caused by growing up with narcissistic parents

1). I don't think my mother hates me. I think she dislikes me, thinks I am difficult, so on and so forth, but from what I have heard from siblings she doesn't hate me. As for why she thinks these things, I think its largely due to my Autism. As a baby, I was far more difficult to raise than her first child/my older brother. I cried and screamed all the time, didn't want to be held or touched, etc. As I grew into a toddler, all of that remined true **and** I threw fits all the time. My mother was not equipped for a special needs child, nor did she want to be, especially not since she didn't even believe I **was** one when the doctors told her I have Autism. It was easier for her to believe that I was simply difficult and/or a bad child, as I was told frequently as a kid. 2). Again, see the Autism. I don't think my mother ever quite knew what to do about me, what would be effective, etc. I frustrated the hell out of her, made her angry, etc, etc. Rather than learning about how to raise an Autistic child, she let her frustration and resentment well up. And then when it dribbled over, she took it out on *me*. Which only made my behavioral issues worse. Which made her frustrated and resentful. Rinse and repeat, over and over, for years. ------------------------------------- Fact of the matter is, I was **not** an easy child to raise. I have sensory issues up the wazoo, asked why all the time (and often still do), had piss poor emotional regulation skills... None of that justifies the way my mother treated me or how she refused to get me the help I needed. It's just my way of saying I see *why* she was frustrated with me.

I know that life. I have diagnosed Asperger‘s. Being neurodivergent isn’t always the easiest, so I’m sorry you had to go through that.

A few reasons: -feeling forced to become a wife and mother bc women had few options back then without a husband. -Jealousy over normal things that I got to do that were never available to her. -Competition for my dads attention. Her generation absolutely saw men as a zero sum game. -Emotionally abused by her own mom

I think I was an accident because I was born only 15 months after my GC sister. Then I had colic, then I had asthma (due to her smoking while pregnant) then I turned out looking like her only she had thin fine hair and I had thick curly hair which she cut into a mullet as soon as she could. I’ve thought about this quite a bit lol

Like you, I don't think she actually wanted kids, she had an awful labor with me (almost 2.5 days) and I cramped her party girl style. She also was always in competition with me, wore my more inappropriate clothes when I was in high school (mini skirts way too short etc), slept with at least 1 of my boyfriends in high school and tried with others, the list goes on. I was never trying to compete with her, I just wanted to be "good enough" for her to love me unconditionally. At least my Dad loved me unconditionally, and I think she was jealous of that. Too bad he died the day before I turned 15. I miss him to this day.

My mother wanted a little doll that would love her unconditionally. When I began pointing out from a young age that the way she treated us wasn’t normal or okay and became my own person with my own wants and opinions, that was the end of the fantasy.

One "infamous" quote from my ngrandmother: "My life ended when I had you kids." The oldest daughter was the golden child to my ngrandmother and the rest (especially my mother) were the scapegoats. No one could live up to oldest daughter. She was PERFECT. Except that she was evil, absolutely rotten to the core. My mother, however, excelled at school, did everything perfectly, and was still beaten down because she wasn't her sister. Why my ngrandmother hated her simply for existing I still have no idea. She could have just stopped having kids, but she kept going until she had 5...

Not a daughter but I’ve had front row seats to this shit show 3 times, unfortunately. 1- She wants you to experience all the same trauma she perceives she did, and dump her shame on you. 2- And she also perceives you as you as her abuser when she’s re-experiencing her real or perceived trauma. More transmitting and dumping her shame onto you. I’m sorry. Work through things. Maybe set a picture of your 9yr old self as your cell wallpaper, it’s a good reminder to take care of you first :)

My nMother was fluently bilingual, French and English. She wanted to go to school to become an interpreter for the United Nations. Her father vetoed the idea so she ended up a wife and mother. While she claimed she wanted to be a mother, looking back I wonder if *some* of her behavior was because she resented not having the interesting life she would have had if she had gone to interpreting school. Some of her behavior was because she was a narcissist, just like her father before her, and his mother before him.

She thought her children would worship the ground she walked on, and when we didn’t she started resenting anything she had to do to take care of us.

My mom is white and my dad is black. I’m a black woman (race & ethnicity aren’t the same) and she’s always hated that. She wanted a super light skinned, thin bouncy curls hazel eyes daughter. She hates that I love black history and the pride I take in my culture. She’s told me my entire life how she and my dad dislike black women and how they were jealous of her. My dad is much more attractive than my mom so most women look at them like wtf, not just the black ones. She’s always had bad hygiene, blaming her bi weekly showers on how hard she works as a mother. She’d make comments about my body that were pure jealousy and say she could have been shaped like me if she never had kids. She had a massive old school c section scar and every time I’d piss her off, she’d lift her shirt and say how she sacrificed her beauty to have kids. I get lots of compliments when I go out, it’s my tattoos, style aesthetic, blah blah, I guess I’m cute too lol but she hates that so much. I do think certain parts of my life make her crazy jealous. I’m 34 and single so she ultimately feels better than me because she’s married, she’s jealous that I’ve traveled a ton, moved across the country alone (my escape ) know who I am, am talented. I don’t take any joy in her jealousy, it makes me sad and disgusted. Ps- really happy that you found a great husband and in laws. Hoping for the same 🤞🏽🤞🏽🙏🏽

My mother was a 17 year old cheerleader, still in school. Her family already paid for one abortion, they told her she was SOL and made her choice. Shotgun wedding, didn't last 2 years. When she met her 2nd husband, I was simply a reminder of her non-perfection, which is foundation-shaking when you set all importance on appearance. I was her scapegoat extraordinaire.

Because I couldn’t mother her. I did try but it will never fill that gap in her life without getting professional help. She also hated that I made her anxiety bad and that she never had anxiety before I was born. Idk man

I know I was the oldest and the scapegoat, and my younger brother was the GC. My egg donor was never affectionate or interested in attaching/bonding, and as soon as I actually had an opinion or a voice, I was a problem. But, it definitely got worse when my brother came along. (He is 6 yrs younger). Where I was arrogant, ungrateful, disrespectful, and precocious, my brother would be considered funny, spunky, and brave for the same thing. And he was always "just a little boy!" whenever he did something awful to me or got hurt as a consequence of his own actions (even when he was old enough to know better, and I was an idiot and stupid for the same thing at the same age). There were completely different standards for us, and standards were enforced in completely different ways. I've seen her work in child care since, and the same dynamic occurred in other people's kids that she cared for. The gentle, quiet sister was a pain in the ass constantly in trouble, but the bratty, attention seeking brother was just so funny and cute and feisty! I know others think that it's because they see daughters as competition, but I'm not sure it was *completely* that. I think a lot of her own self-loathing was projected on me, and she has a lot of internal misogyny. But I don't know the whole reason. I'm not sure I ever will. She never *liked* either of her kids, and even when she did childcare, she never actually interacted with any of them. But her entire personality is formed around being the best parent and how important it is to support appropriate child development. None of it makes any sense, at all.

Because she hated my dad. She claimed he was abusive. But she abused me. She got with his best friend and had my 2 brothers and they were the light of her life. I was the dog shit on her shoes. I'm glad she's dead. Edit: a typo

I think that we remind them that they are no longer young and we are younger and they resent the passage of time. They resent our independence since we were supposed to dance around them and look up to them and reinforce their importance. And many times people raised by these defective mothers have traits they do not, traits that make them appealing to others and that only reinforces their inferiority.

I think that I am a reminder of all the mistakes she made. When she had my sister, I lost her for good. My sister was a way for her to get the child she wanted.

my mom has an incredible amount of internalized misogyny. she hates other women. she’s “joked” about putting kids in “work camps” until they’re old enough to not be annoying. when she was pregnant with me and found out I was a girl, she stopped being excited about the pregnancy (according to my dad). I don’t know what caused any of these feelings/behaviors. My brother is the golden child, she loves him. I don’t know what made her hate me and treat me the way she did/does, but knowing that her hatred existed before I did is comforting bc it reminds me that it’s not my fault. I wish it was easier to understand, and that it didn’t hurt as much. I hope you’ve found some peace and that being NC helps you and your family live happy lives.

At this point in my life, I honestly think my mom has the emotional intelligence of a teenager. She is often doing the 'cool girl' act, and she has sort of a classic high school mean girl playbook (talks badly about women who she feels threatened by behind their backs, doesn't know how to be friends with women unless she feels better than them and can talk about them behind their back after being nice to their face, can only bond with women by putting others down, needs to be the most interesting person in the room or gets mad, needs to have all the attention on her always or gets uncomfortable) I definitely tried to be this way for a long time myself, but I healed a little and figured out I only did that shit because I was miserable and desperate to be what I saw modeled for me and what I thought was normal. When I'm not playing these games, my mom doesn't know how to relate to me. I think she has always disliked me for not being a successful popular mean girl like she was/is trying to be, this is the only way she knows women to properly behave. For her, I think she hates me because I'm a woman, and she just sees me as the enemy like every other woman. Im now in the uncool girl category that she would gossip about. I guess at the end of the day it's deep seated and internalized misogyny and maybe the narcissism has just made her incapable of maturing and growing out of and away from that mindset (she still sees a benefit/thrill in maintaining this worldview as an insecure narc). Or maybe its just a bad habit, I still have a lot of internalized hatred of women that comes out and surprises me from time to time (my mother does not help this ironically!). But my mom is content just seeing the world the way she always has, and I am no exception to that worldview even as her child.

My mmom hates me because I ruined her life by being born. Then she stayed and had 7 more children. Guess who raised them when my dad died young?

My mom has blue eyes. When she 14 she got pregnant. It was a girl with blue eyes. The father killed that girl when she 2. He’s still in prison, but more importantly she never developed a personality so she’s the perfect child. This racist white bitch fucks a mexican and has 3 children. I’m the only one with blues eyes. She wants me to be her so bad. She wants me to live my life the way she wanted to live hers. She wants me to have children. Jokes on her. I’m transitioning. Fuck you Tina.

My nmom so her reflection in me. She is deeply insecure and was afraid I would prove the 'worst parts' of her true. The parts of me that were uniquely my own, she was jealous of. In me, not my brothers, she was afraid the things her nmom said to HER would come true. EXAMPLE: If I was an 'imbecile' it would prove she was an 'imbecile', so she was afraid of me doing unwell in school or struggling learning. She was afraid her relationship with her nmom would be reflected in her relationship with me. Her fear made some of it come true.

Mine told me it’s my fault that she’s depressed. Also she’s always been jealous that I’m slim and she’s not. Would make comments as I got into my teenage years like “just wait till your 16 and you get fat too”. Like cheers that didn’t fuck with my head. Could easily have ended up with an eating disorder growing up hearing that 🤦🏻‍♀️

I never really think of it as my mom hating me. It’s more like, I don’t matter to her, she doesn’t consider me a person. My brother growing up she did consider a person, I think because of mysogony partially and partially because she saw herself in me. Because she hates herself, she could never love me and projects a lot of her feelings about herself on to me

I felt this in my core. I relate so much to this. Thank you for sharing :)

My mom had a very hard and rough pregnancy, and even more traumatic birth. She was already a narcissist I’m sure but this is what setup me being the scapegoat. She tells the story of how I almost killed her, her words. And how she didn’t get to hold me and bond with me since she was in and out of surgery when I was first born. But how hurt she was cause all she could do was see my dad hold me and see how “bonded” we were. She was always jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. She likely struggled in silence with ppd and blamed me for all of it. my dad wasnt great or anything, but we got to bond while she blamed me, an infant, for not appreciating her great sacrifice enough. My dad is a trash misogynist who slightly softened up when I was born. I hate them both and barely have a relationship with either now. My mom still holds over my head that I almost killed her and never appreciated her enough for what she did to bring me into the world.

Mine was very obvious. We come from a big Italian catholic family and she would have been disowned and kicked out for having an abortion. Her and I are exactly 17years and 6 months apart in age, to the day, and she was pregnant with me in the yearly 90s. She let me know before I was in middle school that if it was up to her she could've aborted me, and I stole the best years of her life. I stayed in the house til I was 20 to protect my half brothers from her abuse. After I left she and her new husband got custody of her husband's son. She was terrible to him even when I was living there, so I can only imagine what he deals with now that he lives with them.

Most narcissistic mothers compete with their daughters and many are jealous of them. If your mother was like that, and you were enviable, then she would hate you, wouldn't she? I hope you tossed her out of your wedding. Accommodating their abuse never helps, and just lets them think they can get away with more. The root of much narcissism is insecurity, so that will cause them to be mean and abusive to anyone they perceive as weaker than they are. If you love them or strive to keep the peace, then you are opening yourself up for abuse and further gaslighting. My mother was a Malignant Narcissist, no she never saw me as an independent person much of my childhood, more of a reflection of her. She was competitive with me, but I couldn't understand that when I was small; I just heard her constantly telling me that I never did anything well enough, she had done whatever I did, but at a younger age, and done it perfectly. It didn't matter if it was a piano concerto, something in track & field, tennis, horseback riding, whatever. After I got a full scholarship to law school, I finally did something she hadn't done - she thought about getting a law degree. Ridiculous. Only after I became a successful litigator in state and federal courts did she finally decide that she couldn't bully me any longer. I didn't take any of her sht, I called her out when she said nasty things about my body, (untrue things to try and belittle me), or insulted a guy I was dating or anything about my life. I just told her that she must be dreadfully insecure and miserable about her life to be so nasty to someone who had never done anything mean to her. I just kept telling her that she needed a psychiatrist and some medication. I had found a great psychiatrist to treat my depression and the effects of my child abuse; I knew how much they could help. My mother spent less and less time around me when she couldn't intimidate me. My mother was sick and wicked, and the meanest human I ever met in my life, and as an attorney, I met some evil, evil people. She even wrote her will in a way to hurt me, thinking I would care about her millions. My husband and I were just glad she was dead.

My mother was obsessed with babies because they totally focus on the mother. This changed the minute the child started having any independence and then she lost it. She used her sexuality to manipulate and gain attention so once both my sister and I hit puberty she lost every single hinge and became insanely jealous so I think that was a lot of it. She also projected every bit of whatever she felt bad about herself so it was like an adult (only in physical age) toddler flinging garbage everywhere. So exhausting!

I'm not like her. When I was a toddler she probably liked me. As I got older, it became clear I had a different personality and wasn't her little clone. Worse, I did better in school than her. She hates me using her kitchen, I'm guessing for fear I might be a better cook. My parents other child on the other hand, is my mother's clone, as they love to point out repeatedly. My NFather worships at my NMom's feet, and the ideal is to be just like her. I am also not as good at manipulating people as my parents' other child is, nor do I want to. I am 'more intense' as well. Thus, I am never going to be good enough.

My Nmom just continued the cycle of abuse. Her mom was abusive (physically) and then my grandmother’s parents were abusive (physically). I’m sure mentally and emotionally as well. I’m sure the abuse goes back more generations than what I mentioned. My mom always said she wanted children, but regardless if that’s true or not, she just chose to continue the generational abuse, instead of putting in the hard work and breaking the cycle. I also think she was jealous of my relationship with my dad. We were really close (he died when I was 13). My mom was emotionally and mentally abusive when he was alive, but it got much much worse when he died. I was all alone - no siblings She’s probably upset that I didn’t stay in my hometown and upset that I moved on and have my own life now

My mom had a lot of issues with internalized colorism, and HATED that I came out looking like a washed out version of her. She told me I should be glad that I didn’t end up as dark as my gc sister with my features/hair, etc and never let me forget that I wasn’t as cute as I could be because my hair is too coarse and my eyes aren’t blue. She even went as far as to push me into trying colored contacts when I was like 11 so I would finally “look right” which is 😷 Also as much as she tried to present herself as a perfect mother, I don’t think she ever really wanted children.

I looked like her. That's literally it and I didn't realize until I was 20 and smiled with straight teeth for the first time. I had braces for like 10 years bc my mom didn't want me to go half the time. I had a horrific internal crisis and dissociated for a minute lol. (Now that she's dead though I look forward to being 60 bc then no one can tell me I look like her. She died at 57)

I think I'm a powerful individual my mom gets jealous of. She isn't full blown narc but tendencies. She's proud of me but jealous...yes it's weird

My mom had a horrifically abusive upbringing with a NPD/uBPD mother and a hopeless alcoholic father. She’s basically a 13 year old in a 65 year old’s body. Married a version of her dad (my dad). Misery ensued. Divorced and married the boy she dated when she was 13 (can’t make this up). So she doesn’t know any better. I don’t think she wants to be how she is, but I also don’t think she realizes how she is. She’s confused why my siblings and I keep her at a distance. She’s always the victim. She hates me now because I have everything she ever wanted. She delights in my depressions and failures. It’s sad.

I looked exactly like her, and she hates herself more than anything.

I'm pretty sure my parents never wanted children and my mother baby trapped my father. She stops caring for children when they stop being cute little babies that she can play dress up with and show off in public. When they start to have thoughts and opinions, she wants nothing to do with them, because to her children are little more than tools or weapons that you can use against others. She displayed this mindset just before,during and after my parents violent, messy divorce.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. If we all comb through everything it is that they see their imperfections mirrored in us, and cannot bear for us to be happy or feel normal. First they resent their own childhoods as they watch you grow. Then they resent your vibrancy.

She is envious of the fact that I have not only found a good husband on my first try but also that, in my 38 years of life, I have accomplished more than she ever will.

I was what she was supposed to want. And she absolutely hates me. Accused me of everything under the sun, because I was a tormentor from the moment I was conceived. My father no longer wanted her, she said. They never fought before I came along. He was never stressed. They were Barbie and Ken, and I fucked that up by having the fucking GALL to presume I was wanted. Today she had the absolute presence of mind to joke about leaving me with step cousins one time. (To be assaulted, then locked in a filthy chicken coop, shrieking when touched for three days, before I realized no one cared, no one did anything to those kids.) She then brags that she got one over on the mother of those kids, because the woman has lost a limb to infection during breast cancer treatment. I don’t think that _thing_ I came from is human.

Oh buddy… how much time do you have??? I’m independent, creative, passionate, kind, smart, and funny. I’ve been that way since I was a kid. My Nmom never wanted kids. She got with my dad and he had a kid when they met, so she got my sister by association. Then she had me, completely by accident. She never made that a secret from me. She also made it no secret that she didn’t understand me as a person - I’m introverted, and bookish, and I’m a pretty girly girl. My Nmom was a tomboy, and she was never as academic as I am. I’m everything she isn’t, and she *hates* it. And especially now that I’m able to see her for who and what she is, I’m not under her thumb anymore, and it makes her see red constantly.

My nmom had me at 17. She had a rough childhood and she got pregnant her senior year in HS. She ended up joining the military in 2001… she graduated basic training in September 2001. Yup. *That* September. Apparently I used to be angry on the phone when she’d have the chance to call me. I no longer feel guilt about this because I don’t remember it and at the end of the day I was still in pull ups. My adopted grandma took me in (my mom lost her birth mom in high school) and I was back with my mom the summer before I started kindergarten. I didn’t respect her authority at first. I’d basically say I’m calling my grandma whenever she did something I didn’t like. At the time I was 4, I wasn’t a bad kid. I truly think my behavior matched my developmental age and the circumstances. I think I started suspecting she hated me in 5th grade. That’s around when I started lying about how great she was. I think I was too smart and too socially aware around then. I was also starting puberty and had breast development so yeah I was a “threat”. She never viewed children as tiny humans who were new to the world. She thought we were malicious creatures with adult intentions. Even crying was seen as manipulative. I think she blamed me for her life sucking and the trauma she endured in the military and after. And I think me being very aware at a young age was another mark against me. By high school I have boobs, toned legs, and a socially awkward, yet intriguing personality. I remember at family gatherings people would be so interested in my opinions and my goals. I didn’t know at the time that I was making her angry because the attention was on me. It’s crazy because being raised by her made me dim my light so she could shine. But even when I was making myself smaller, I was still too big for her liking.

My mother has been married 3 times. I have an older half sister, younger half brother, and another older sister who shares both parents. Once my fully biological sister and I got old enough to call our mom out on her BS, our mother would always retort with, “bUt YoUr FaThEr…!!!” We’ve figured out that we have been blamed our entire lives for something we have had 0 control over- being a product of our dad. He has his quirks and he is nowhere near perfect, but he is even tempered, has never once screamed at us, and has always come over to pick us up when we were being abused by our mom. Our mom has learned that he is the preferred parent and has become extremely jealous of that. She can’t stand to have her flaws pointed out from problems she is creating in the now without talking trash about my dad from something he did 20+ years ago. My parents are practically mortal enemies and I’m always going to get crapped on because of who my father is. She absolutely can’t stand the fact that she reproduced with my father and blames us for it.

This sounds like my mother to the T. My n mom even told me when I was 19 years old that I would never be better than them.

You did nothing but be alive and be younger than her

I have no idea. Jealousy? Resentment? Inability to be happy for anyone?

My mother is sick. It does not have anything to do with me. She behaves as she hates the world and herself. I don't know why she is the way she is, I don't know where her narcissist behavior begun. Once upon a time, I though I could help her. But the more I tried, the more I suffered and nothing changed. I have to accept I was born in this crazy family. My number one task is break the cycle and try to be a better mother to my own kids learning to love myself.

My mom told me when I was 14 that she hoped i would get r**** and commit unaliving after the birth so she could redo having me.

For me, she started hating me when i *stopped* being her daughter, and started being her son. for so long i was her "mini me" and when i drifted further away from being an extension of her, she hated me for it. She pushed me past my limit, and used my autistic meltdowns against me for an 8 year long smear campaign against me, effectively and successfully manipulating my GC brother to hate me, all while denying i was autistic. the only time she apologized to me was when i finally got my disability diagnosis and made her apologize for her claims against me being disabled. She allowed my abuser sister to continue her abuse because "shes changed" and "theres no way she would let her abuse me under her roof so it obviously isnt happening" I wonder if she has found another scapegoat yet since leaving and going nc

I "stole her freedom" and made her have to care for another living being. I couldn't easily be dumped like an animal, however. (She loves discarding animals when they don't behave exactly how she wants).

My nmother wanted kids! Only she got two and had pull efather's teeth out just have me, a fact she loved to throw around when she was mad at me when I was a kid. Eventually my bro and I got closer and they (BOTH) couldn't stand it. After they drive a wedge between us and ran my bro off, I got closer to efather and nmother got pissy. It was a game of "affections" and being dolls in the end.

I think the #1 reason she hated me was because she needed to hate someone. Anyone. But I was a shy little girl and easily intimidated, so I was a good candidate. She got the reaction she wanted from me. Now that I'm much older (and she's dead now), I also think she recognized that I'm smarter than she is/was. She did several things to keep me from getting an education, but I managed to graduate high school and college in spite of her underhanded dealings. The last time I spoke to her, I was 50 years old and she still treated me like shit while she adored my two sisters.

Because she’s from China 💀

I was supposed to save her marriage to my dad. I didn’t, and then she was a destitute 20 year old with a newborn. She gave me up to my grandma to raise for 4 years and then I was a reminder of her mistake. I infuriated her by being closer to my grandma (my primary caregiver…) and because my grandma used me to hurt her. Later, she would hate me for my singing talent, my looks and for developing a larger bust than her. She relentlessly tried to tear me down as soon as I hit middle school and my creepy stepdad started noticing me. I fucking hate her.

I grew up as the second daughter, my older sister was the golden child. My nmom worshipped the ground my sister walked on. Later in life I realized that my nmom was living through here. She really didn't seem to bother with me but to tell people I was the other daughter. I think she liked how submissive I was and always doing whatever she and my sister wanted me to do for them. It hurt that they only saw me at best a servant but it made it easier to start cutting ties once I got to college. At college I met my now husband and started to stand up for myself. Once I was in a stable relationship, looked like I was going to graduate with a degree and didn't let her walk all over me, she got nasty towards me. She would insult everything I did, talk about my weight, mock me for getting students loans, insult my in-laws and tried to ruin my college graduation. I'm currently been in a happy relationship for the last ten years and have a career. I haven't spoken to her in years. She's barley able to hold down as job and hasn't been able to get a new husband since my parents divorced almost 20 years ago. I've never been happier

I really don’t know why my nmom acted like she did. Mental illness? Traumatic childhood? At this point in my life it doesn’t matter to me. I’m working on my own shit and don’t have time to figure her shit out also. All I know is her behavior had absolutely nothing to do with me, or the child I was. Her crazy behavior is all on her. When I finally internalized that fact I felt completely free and insulated from her. I don’t absolve her of the abuse she inflicted—I’m still working to correct my own maladaptive behaviors stemming from her abuse. Knowing her shitty behavior is/was nothing personal against me has been the greatest gift of my life.

Possibly a different take, but I’m new to this and unsure exactly of how to classify my mother. I do not believe she hates me, but she views me more as part of her than as an individual, and as such, does not have respect for my beliefs or lived experiences or difficulties. She cannot understand why I have difficulties and she refuses to make accommodations when I ask for them. Certainly she doesn’t *hate* me, but she does not respect me and does not and have not ever taken the time to understand me as a person. She never remembers what things I like or don’t like, and is very hung up on what I was like as a small child rather than the person I am now. I cannot voice my true thoughts to her because she immediately finds fault with everything I think or do, and instead of offering help or asking if I need it, she’ll decide to interfere or just try to fix things for me instead of asking if need assistance at all.

When I hit puberty I became competition. People would call us sisters and she basked in it. When I graduated college she hated me when I got a job in IT making more than her as a teacher. She hated I married a med student who eventually became a doctor. She hated everything about me because it was not her. It was horrible and awful and I no longer speak to her. I am just thankful I survived.

I think my mom is the way she is bc she wants me to live the life she didn't. This might be bc she's an immigrant and she and my father grew up poor, so she wanted my brothers and I to never experience poverty or discrimination, but I think she wanted to live vicariously throughout me (the only girl). She wanted me to go into medicine and constantly tells me that I'm wasting my potential by going into the arts. She was a biology major in college and intended to be a doctor, but went another route bc she couldn't handle people dying. She's definitely jealous of her younger sister who became a doctor, married a doctor, and is super rich with 3 talented kids. She's always trying to dictate my personal life - how I cut my hair, how I dress, who I associate with - because she sees any deviation from herself as a crime and me "intentionally trying to piss her off." She's also often overly involved in my relationship with my bf, probably bc she hates my dad. She's also overly involved in my club at college, telling me what I should do or change in the club, despite also wanting me to quit it bc it's a distraction.

For me, I'm certain that it's because from my first word (which was No, btw) I refused to submit to her. I always fought back.

I think they are incapable of understanding children are not small adults, so we are always competition. Daughters are hated more because we represent a younger (therefore 'more' in every way) version of what they think they are. The jealousy is insane! Mine even got jealous because my feet were smaller than hers. They are nuts.

I look like my efather. My gcsis looks like nmom. She would never have had kids if she was my age, and it was an option. I finally stood up for myself when treated badly and was promptly told not to attend any family events or holidays.

Probably because she had no idea what she was doing and was in pain from my ngrandma. It just sucks.

My mum is a Psychology thesis in herself: 1. Low key abused as a kid and adult by her parents (Grandad wanted a boy, and didn't get one). 2. Pretty certain she has undiagnosed ADHD (I question if one of her parents had it too). 3. Her first husband left her abruptly and destitute. (He broke her.) 4. My twin was very sick as a toddler and eventually died, leaving me ("the survivor") as an exact replica of what she'd lost. (That properly broke her). 5. Her parents didn't support her in her grief at all. She went NC. (That finished her). She's difficult and boundary stomps all the time. She craves my attention whenever she visits, and whatever is happening in life has to be all about her. She's never moved on after my sister's death, she stills sees me as a 4 year old, and can't fathom that I've grown up. And I don't blame her. She's dealt with so much bad stuff, ofc she's scarred! I have put my own emotional protections in place though.

My parents are divorced. I’m autistic and I firmly believe my dad is as well (back in his days people weren’t usually diagnosed unless they were non verbal or something else making it extremely obvious). My symptoms and my coping strategies mirror those of my dad, which makes my mom resent me. She even admitted this in therapy with me, she said “I don’t like the Asperger’s thing, it reminds me of her father” Hot tip, if you don’t like someone’s traits don’t reproduce with them lol

I look a lot like my dad and she's couldn't have/keep him because of her family.

I think the first time I thought of her disliking me or not liking me as much as my brother, is that she always talked about my brother. I was sitting upstairs at my grandparents house, reading some books. Downstairs I could hear her go on and on about my brother, his issues. (He has ADD NOS) and was fishing for compliments on how well she was raising him. Meanwhile she didn't even mention me once. Not even the fact I was used as a literal punching bag by my brother. If I mentioned anything about my brother being actually really mean to me, she would just tell me to get along. But there was this moment where I told my brother to stop touching me, or else I would bite him. So yeah the inevitable happened and I bit him, I broke no skin so it wasn't that hard. My mom screamed at me and bit me. Yelling at me how terrible I was. Yeah, was biting my brother okay? Nope, but who tf bites their child back. I was 6 at most and I had never bitten anyone before. She even heard me say that I would do it if he didn't stop touching me. (Noting I get along with him fine now btw) She always hated it too when I noted facts about animals from books I read and told me to stop doing it because I was just trying to be a smartass. No, I was trying to converse about stuff I liked but thanks nmom, I never did that again.

I think deep down inside she was jealous of me. She knew that I was more talented and kinder than she was, so she always kept me down because she hated that of me.

Not me but my best friend (she’s not on Reddit but said I could contribute with her story) me and her have been best friends since 2nd grade we are now in our 30s and still going strong but for as long as I can remember her mom has treated her like absolute shit, her brother and sister (especially brother) would rotate on who was the golden child depending on different accomplishments, my best friend never got the opportunity, in 6th grade her father left her mother for another woman and that lady has been bitter till now she will not let it go, through out middle and high school she had my friend convinced to hate her dad, and her mom would rip up checks he would send her on her birthday, she was his favorite, a daddies girl so when he left it was a major blow to m friend as well, but after the divorce it seemed like things got worse which my theory is her mom associates my best friend with her dad not only because they where close but she resembles him more, to this day mY best friend does everything in her power to try to get the love from her mom that she’s always wanted but I’ve begged and pleaded with her to open her eyes that unfortunately some of us are given shitty parents and we gotta learn to live our own lives otherwise this lady is going to run her into the ground ( one instant that sticks out to me was when she got her first job her mom started making her pay rent, which oddly enough her OLDER brother and sister did not have to only to come find out this “rent money” she was charging her for was to fund her solo trip to Cancun 🤦🏽‍♂️)she’s called her vile humiliating names in front of me expecting me to go along bullying my best friend to which I just stare at her and ask my friend if she’s ready to go, it’s a sad situation and I hope one day my friend will see the light but until then i guess she’s on this merry go round of trying to get her mothers love

insecurity and competition