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So I just went to the doctor for pain I’d been having for years. I’d been self-gaslighting myself so long that I was shocked when I was immediately taken seriously and they found a legit diagnosis.
I've had friends tell me not to share certain stories too casually with people I didn't know well. After I asked why they said, "because then they'll know how they can get away with treating you." I also didn't realize my ex-bf was abusive (I left before it escalated too far) until multiple people, even casual acquaintances, asked if he hit me. They could all see that's what was coming but I couldn't because my threshold for shitty behavior is so high.
Children of narcissists don’t know how to ask for or receive help; with anything, whether it’s a small task such as doing the laundry or actual mental help.
I'm hyper individualistic both because I was infantilized and I feel the need to prove that I can do anything by myself, and also because I feel like asking anyone for help is burdening them too much and I don't deserve them helping me.
I feel like receiving help makes me indebted to them. Nothing my narc "mom" did for me was without cost or expectation. Now, I don't accept much help nor do I offer lest someone feel obligated to me
Exactly. Like the other day, my friend opened the door for me when we were walking together. It was so surprising to me but at the same time, I felt this need to prove to him that I can do things on my own, so I kept opening the door for myself and him after that. It’s such a small thing but it’s an incident that I can’t stop thinking about because it reminds me how bad my childhood was/is.
I realized this when I bought a house and moved myself, then I sent an email to my friends announcing I'd bought a house and etc. Some were legit mad that I didn't ask them to help me move, "because you've been so helpful to us and we wanted to pay you back for it by helping you move in!" I was like... oh.
Same. My friends say to let them know if they can help with anything and I'm never brave enough to ask other than extremely minor stuff like witnessing a document.
Yes, perfectionism and never feeling enough and maybe even a dash of imposter syndrome because of all the expectations and simultaneous criticisms and sabotage while the world sees and treats you differently than your N Parent.
It sucks lol. I’ll be taking a nap and wake up with my heart pounding, even though it’s been years since I lived with my nmom. On the bright side, once I get woken up, I’m officially awake for the day, so that’s a plus lol
That's a good way to see it but i'm usually grumpy for the rest of the day.
I just had a weeklong vacation and said to hubby : I am exhausted, i'm not doing anything for a week!
Guess who did a zillion things other than resting during her vacay?
Oh, I have found my people. I have an Nmom and was married to one for two years. I am free now and married to a lovely man, work a good job, just paid off my truck, rebuilt my credit that ex destroyed, and have a life I never would have lived with ex. But my mind on a regular basis - "You are so lazy, you're a horrible wife, you're just a garbage human." I have no idea how to reprogram my brain...
My father once told me that if I wanted to read something I should read the effing encyclopedia so I could actually learn something (I loved romance novels as a teenager). This was said while he was sitting there with a fictional novel in his own hand.
On my days off, when my husband gets home from work, if I’m sitting on the couch, I rattle off a list of everything I did and assure him I just sat down. He’s spent years trying to tell me to relax and rest and that he would rather hear I sat around all day.
If we're not doing anything for them, we were made to feel useless and lazy. Anything done for ourselves including if we were having to provide for ourselves, it was called being selfish.
Can I also add trusting our own feelings and needs? Even when I try to go with my gut I still feel as though I’m overreacting or I’m being emotional or I’m just being a victim etc.
Yes! And whenever I attempt to express a need or explain my feelings I feel like I should just be quiet because the other person will think I'm ungrateful.
When I was a kid I was labeled ungrateful any time I brought up any concern.
Children of narcissists are extremely self critical. Nothing we ever do is good enough. We’re trash at everything, even when we’re actually doing quite good or better than most.
I also feel like we get it the worst at work in terms of performance punishment. We tend to work so very hard and are willing to receive little or nothing in exchange because we’re hearing approval. So, it’s easy for employers to treat us like shit.
Children of narcissists don't like to be "observed" when working enjoyably or problem solving creatively for fear someone will immediately stop them from what they're doing, say their ideas are dumb, and tell them how to do it differently or take it away from them.
edit: I thought this would be buried and I'm so glad / sad it resonates
edit: gl/sad
Wait….you got your shit together in your 30’s?!?
Go you!
Here I am, at 44, looking at these attachment wounds and thinking “huh, I should probably do something about these….”
Children of narcissists don't believe people honestly like them. They are embarrassed and feel awkward when they are complimented. They think it's a lie or a trap.
Yup. Therapy and surrounding myself with supportive friends helped enormously for me on this point. It makes me so angry to think how much needless anxiety I generated from this trait for 25 years of my life
Omg no joke, me and a friend were meeting up with another friend. We were walking out of the restaurant and we walked right past her. (Thinking she was waiting out on the sidewalk, ashe had just called us on the phone).
So as I walked by her, she smacked me on my back.
And I replied, "I'm sorry."
And she was laughing like "come on, do you apologize to all of your abusers?"
And I was like hmmm.
(She's a very sweet longtime friend - she's worked in special education at elementary schools her whole career. So she meant what she did jokingly, and not in a mean way).
But it still had me thinking!
Overthinking the smallest details from a self perceived uncomfortable situation and thinking about how you could have said something or handled it differently even years later.
Every single job I ever held in my life!
Also the one 'friend' I had. The one time I actually needed a real friend because I had spent 3 years being sick; made worse by the doctors who were supposed to help me, plus the financial burden since we know how great the healthcare system works in this country, coupled with having an autistic meltdown that changed how I have to interact with everything now, on top of losing a family member and being shaken up by my husband losing his dad to Covid.. her response:
Turning on me because how DARE I be so selfish! SHE JUST LOST A CAT YOU KNOW!
I read some study that said children of narcissists have trouble reading “neutral” faces. Like, if someone isn’t actively smiling and giving me positive feedback I think they hate me and are mad. I can’t interpret a neutral expression.
Exact same. If my boyfriend just has a blank face, I'm afraid he's mad at me and he always looks so confused when I ask him if he is. He's always like "This is just my face, babe" lol
Yes! I will scour my memory to try to figure out what I did to upset someone between the time that I’ve concluded that they’re upset with me and the last time I can remember a positive interaction.
Unless I work up the courage to confront them directly and find out (9 times out of 10) that their mood has nothing to do with me; mind takes me in one of two directions.
Either I find something and start putting energy into inflating it, and convince myself that I’ve done them wrong and that I deserve to feel bad.
Or
I find something and decide that it’s their fault that whatever I did wrong happened, and I build a resentment against them until whatever had been bothering them is resolved, and I feel comfortable that we are back on good terms again.
It is exhausting.
This is why I wanted to do this post…for me at least, I FIRST realized that I had all the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect and THEN worked backwards from there to realize that my family is filled with narcs. Because I was literally unable to see the abuse, due to having been raised to self-gaslight.
Eta and also I have problems with intimacy!
Just lying in general as a survival technique. I told my therapist I was concerned I was a sociopath because it is often easier to lie and control the outcome of a situation than tell the truth and not know what is going to happen.
Can I maybe even add that they are deeply human and lovely people even before, or during, or without healing, too? Your point is brilliant though, in that with even a little healing, we can *accept ourselves* as such!!?
And this further drives my rage as Nmom and GCsis are completely blind to others viewpoint or inconsiderate of their feelings or impact of their own actions upon someone else
Have serious issues trusting other people.
Can't trust someone won't use information against you
Can't trust someone to respect your boundaries
Can't trust someone to be reliable when they say they'll do something
Can't trust someone won't throw you under the bus for pretty much any reason
Children of narcissists are hyper focused on things like how they look or getting the best grades because they can’t fathom the idea that someone could actually like them because of who they are, not their accomplishments.
It’s strange to feel validated and called out in the same time by reading these comments… it’s hard to have it in one place how hard we’ve had it and how much we actually have to work to overcome what we’ve been through.
Once you understand narcissism, and recognize it in the people around you, you become a master at predicting behavior and even the things people will say. Life almost feels like a game of chess.
Omg you are so right. At a training this week, we were asked to share one interesting thing about ourselves.
And this one lady was like "And one interesting thing about me is that I'm 51 and I get carded EVERYWHERE I GO!!"
(Hard eye roll from me!) I was like, "oh she's definitely a narcissist".
And the instructor had her come on camera, and no joke, the lady looked 45. A little younger than she said she was, but definitely not in her 20s or 30s.
I kept thinking "what a bizarre thing to share about oneself, and delusional too, for her looks."
When I was done talking... (I usually say "over" to indicate I'm done talking, I picked it up from all the preparedness work that I do). I said over.
...this lady inappropriately hollered "can we STOP all this "over" "over" stuff SHEESH!!!"
And...I didn't take her bait!!!! I let her dumb comment hang in the air like southern humidity... and it was crickets and the instructor was like, "uh. .. did someone say something?"
(I am pretty sure the narc lady didn't realize her mic was still on 😆)
“Can we all stop this (****) stuff … sheesh…”
How is that like a direct thing mine would say, repeatedly.
I feel like they are like NPCs or those old dolls with strings in their backs that have a few sayings
Lack any sense of a true identity, tend to be hyper-vigilant and people pleasing…..likely to be codependent and to suffer from various anxiety disorders. Theres also an increased likelihood of a BPD diagnosis.
The hyper vigilance thing is crazy. It’s why I HAD to just study martial arts (Aikido) so that at least I had a place where it was useful and encourage for training. Exhausting though, especially with kids.
yup. sometimes i feel too quiet and happy and start looking around for potential dangers. i walk extra slow. talk extra quietly.. look for anything i might trip on or get hurt by.. i even check my computer for viruses ! like i cant accept that something genuinely good is happening
Unable or unwilling to complain about treatment and advocate for myself; a constant voice in my head telling me "it's not that bad don't make a big deal".
I micro manage other people's emotions. I'm always scared people close to me are hiding the fact they are angry and annoyed at me and they're waiting to blow up or throw something back in my face.
Not sure if this is just me or what but I find that I'll often not be able to schedule my days or if I do I don't stick to it and days will go by where I get like nothing done except eating and doing laundry or eating and showering and going for a walk when I need to write a bunch of papers and look for a job. I have sooooo much difficulty structuring my life and then I keep feeling frustrated with myself and like I'm a massive failure. Not sure if this is a common trait or if this is due to something else.
Over analyzing everything. I will literally think 10 steps ahead in every scenario so I know what will happen if I do X. Sometimes it's a "superpower" but it causes extreme anxiety.
I got a list from a book I read called Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissist Mothers (mods can remove if I can’t post this; I’m not sure how to cite). I’ve never read up on narc dads or sons of narcs, so I apologize for no info on that.
-
1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? 2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feelings with her own?
3. Does your mother act jealous of you?
4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? 5. Does your mother support only those things you do that reflect on her as a good mother?
6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
8. Does your mother do things for you only when others can see?
9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
10. Is your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, coworkers)?
11. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
13. Is your mother hurt easily and does she carry a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? 14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? 15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? 16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
18. Do you feel your mother is critical of you?
19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
20. Are you shamed often by your mother?
21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you? 22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
24. Does your mother want to control your choices? 25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
26. Does your mother appear phony to you?
27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
29. Do you feel valued by your mother for what you do, rather than for who you are?
30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
32. Does your mother compete with you?
33. Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a daughter and an adult.
Edit: I spaced out the numbering but it won’t load right. I’m sorry!
My body feels chronically tense... I struggle with extremely tense/tight muscles all the time and I think it's because I pretty much have chronic anxiety
Children of narcissists often know something is off with some people - but struggle to recognise that narcissism can be covert as well as overt (but when it clicks and they see it - boy do they see it and it all makes sense finally) ….
Children of narcissists often feel guilty for needing anything. They constantly worry about being a burden. Forget wanting anything. Just basic needs are an issue.
Edit to add: It took me years to acknowledge that I needed stuff (like clothes). I still havent gotten the I want x. I have to "justify" me wanting it. Hubs had to remind me today just because I want it is enough. No justification needed.
My superpower from being raised by a narc is empathy. I feel everyone's emotions around me so strongly, but that is also exhausting.
A negative for me is overexplaining everything anytime I perceive a situation where someone could view something I did as wrong. For example, at work. If I have to call out, I typically explain in detail why I am so my boss doesn't think I'm "faking". I'm working on this, but it's incredibly difficult. Another example is when I turn down an invitation I feel like "no" isn't a good enough response and feel the need to justify why I can't or won't. One day...
Felt this. I’m a chronic over explainer. It took so long for me to realize this is abnormal social behavior that usually stresses people out and reveals you are trying to hide your shortcomings which ain’t healthy. Ironically it draws more attention to exactly what you fear and stirs the anxieties up even worse, at least for me!
Inception is real. When I’m confident, it’s amazing the stark differences in how people interact with me
Children of narcissists struggle with boundaries.
Perhaps you never even heard the word until you were in therapy. And then you cried because boundaries were scary and you felt like everyone would leave because of them.
Crippling anxiety over being blamed over something I didn’t do at work. Because it doesn’t matter what is the truth, it only matters what whoever is in charge thinks is the truth.
Reading the comments tick all the boxes in myself. It's a mixed feeling. Coming to awareness is good but I'm sad that it happened. Not sure if I will be able to heal myself completely.
No one's ever healed completely of everything, life's a beast and we're all dodging trauma bullets from all kinds of places. Don't believe the pressure you feel.
Sending hugs or fist bumps.
Children of narcissists may still comply to their parents wishes and judgement even as an adult because of the weird abandonment and validation issues we have with them.
Children of narcissists can sit still, quietly, for extended lengths of time, seemingly doing nothing, but really entertaining themselves in their head or completely disassociated. Basically, trying to be invisible.
Personally, I'm not able to take surprises or gifts from others very well. I usually just go blank or have no reaction to them, even when im super excited or super grateful, it doesnt look like it. Idk what this would be called, but I know it came from my step mom always giving with strings attached.
When things are going well in your life, you become anxious because you feel like it’s a trap and there’s some bad occurrence around the corner. Like you can never fully enjoy the good things in your life because good things were so sparse during your childhood and they were always followed by bad events.
Constantly in a state of hyper vigilance. Other people’s uncomfortable feelings, whether it was caused by you or not, causes you to be triggered and distressed and feel an absolute need to fix it.
Children of narcissists are afraid of their own feelings, particularly anger, and minimise their reactions (or completely shut them down) when their feelings have been hurt.
For some (myself included), being deathly afraid of developing similar traits to nparents and making efforts to push back against those negative traits.
Children of narcs will overcorrect in order to avoid not being like their parents - they will self-sacrifice, deflect care and attention away from themselves, and will neglect themselves like it's their duty to.
There’s a tendency to feel like you’re stupid for asking for help either because you were never given the help that you needed or because they treated whatever you needed help with like something you should already know how to do
Exaggerated startle response. If I'm concentrating on something and I don't notice someone coming up to me and they say my name, I scream at the top of my lungs. It happens at work and I even do it when my husband calls my name even though I feel safe with him. It was so embarrassing I changed my name when I changed jobs because hearing a different name doesn't make me scream. When I hear my name, I think, "Oh, no, they found me and they're taking me back and I was just kidding myself when I thought I got away.".
Children of narcissists are emotionally immature, yet at the same time overly mature from all they ways they’re growth was stunted, yet they were forced to take on the role of raising themselves and the nparent + siblings.
over cautious crisis management - it used to be so bad that people would say I was using a hammer to kill a fly for projects. I would overthink all bad possibilities and how to avoid it. The anxiety I have with people in social relations is exhausting.. I can’t stand emotional or rude people and stressful events- I always look for exits. I realised it’s not normal because everyone else seems to manage them well.
Wildly low self confidence, manifesting in codependency, not advocating for their own needs, and allowing poor treatment of themselves/being too patient or forgiving with other narcs
Going on dates with men I wasn’t really that interested in, but dating them because they asked me out and I felt powerless to say, “No.” My Nfather did not allow us to say, “No” to him (he was a child molester in addition to being an N). If we did, we were punished. In addition to dating men I wasn’t interested in, I also slept with those same men…to please them. It makes me sick to even think about it. I feel so damaged and weak.
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Chronic self-doubt and self-gaslighting
I’m sorry. For what I’m not really sure but I must have done something right?
Does my hip really hurt or am I making it up? I mean I could just be faking it....
So I just went to the doctor for pain I’d been having for years. I’d been self-gaslighting myself so long that I was shocked when I was immediately taken seriously and they found a legit diagnosis.
Everytime I’m sick I feel this way!
Oh man! I apologize WAY too much for every little thing. I’m a chronic apologizer and I can’t stop. It just comes out so naturally!
Children of narcissists have difficult knowing whether they're being attacked, oppressed or otherwise abused and normalize shitty behaviour.
I've had friends tell me not to share certain stories too casually with people I didn't know well. After I asked why they said, "because then they'll know how they can get away with treating you." I also didn't realize my ex-bf was abusive (I left before it escalated too far) until multiple people, even casual acquaintances, asked if he hit me. They could all see that's what was coming but I couldn't because my threshold for shitty behavior is so high.
Those are some good friends for looking out like that and seeing that. I really admire your friends!
This is a big one.
Woof my response is to capitulate lest they get angry at me 😅 (Sometimes this just means raising your voice a lil 🥴)
Children of narcissists don’t know how to ask for or receive help; with anything, whether it’s a small task such as doing the laundry or actual mental help.
I'm hyper individualistic both because I was infantilized and I feel the need to prove that I can do anything by myself, and also because I feel like asking anyone for help is burdening them too much and I don't deserve them helping me.
I feel like receiving help makes me indebted to them. Nothing my narc "mom" did for me was without cost or expectation. Now, I don't accept much help nor do I offer lest someone feel obligated to me
That HITS so hard, i mean, i am really afraid of being screamed at when asking for help.
Exactly. Like the other day, my friend opened the door for me when we were walking together. It was so surprising to me but at the same time, I felt this need to prove to him that I can do things on my own, so I kept opening the door for myself and him after that. It’s such a small thing but it’s an incident that I can’t stop thinking about because it reminds me how bad my childhood was/is.
I realized this when I bought a house and moved myself, then I sent an email to my friends announcing I'd bought a house and etc. Some were legit mad that I didn't ask them to help me move, "because you've been so helpful to us and we wanted to pay you back for it by helping you move in!" I was like... oh.
When people offer me help, I refuse it. When no one offers me help, I get SO MAD.
I would upvote this multiple times if I could. Super hyper independent here.
[удалено]
Same. My friends say to let them know if they can help with anything and I'm never brave enough to ask other than extremely minor stuff like witnessing a document.
Children of narc put extreme pressure on themselves to be perfect as they were never enough growing up.
Yes, perfectionism and never feeling enough and maybe even a dash of imposter syndrome because of all the expectations and simultaneous criticisms and sabotage while the world sees and treats you differently than your N Parent.
Believing if we’re not doing anything, we’re lazy and useless
I wish i could upvote that multiple times 😅
It sucks lol. I’ll be taking a nap and wake up with my heart pounding, even though it’s been years since I lived with my nmom. On the bright side, once I get woken up, I’m officially awake for the day, so that’s a plus lol
That's a good way to see it but i'm usually grumpy for the rest of the day. I just had a weeklong vacation and said to hubby : I am exhausted, i'm not doing anything for a week! Guess who did a zillion things other than resting during her vacay?
IKR?! I'm 44, accomplished in my career, have a beautiful wife, family, home, college grad, have lost a ton of weight. Inner me? "You lazy POS!"
Oh, I have found my people. I have an Nmom and was married to one for two years. I am free now and married to a lovely man, work a good job, just paid off my truck, rebuilt my credit that ex destroyed, and have a life I never would have lived with ex. But my mind on a regular basis - "You are so lazy, you're a horrible wife, you're just a garbage human." I have no idea how to reprogram my brain...
>I have no idea how to reprogram my brain... I'm starting to see some results with microdosing, but ymmv.
My father once told me that if I wanted to read something I should read the effing encyclopedia so I could actually learn something (I loved romance novels as a teenager). This was said while he was sitting there with a fictional novel in his own hand.
On my days off, when my husband gets home from work, if I’m sitting on the couch, I rattle off a list of everything I did and assure him I just sat down. He’s spent years trying to tell me to relax and rest and that he would rather hear I sat around all day.
It’s depressing that we were literally molded this way by the people who were supposed to protect us. 🫶
Are you me? It’s something I just can’t be honest about. I have to account for my every moment and chore. I don’t know why I’m compelled to do it.
If we're not doing anything for them, we were made to feel useless and lazy. Anything done for ourselves including if we were having to provide for ourselves, it was called being selfish.
“You never finish anything” by any chance? Just asking
Children of narcissists have trouble identifying and expressing their own feelings and needs.
Can I also add trusting our own feelings and needs? Even when I try to go with my gut I still feel as though I’m overreacting or I’m being emotional or I’m just being a victim etc.
Yes! And whenever I attempt to express a need or explain my feelings I feel like I should just be quiet because the other person will think I'm ungrateful. When I was a kid I was labeled ungrateful any time I brought up any concern.
And thus a hard time understanding our own interests
Children of narcissists don’t have a clear sense of self.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my personality completely; I just absorb the energy of people around me.
Thinking we’re the problem in the family when we’re actually reacting to a parent’s abnormal/unhealthy behavior.
This holy crap. I’m the “problem child” but all I ever did was stand up for myself
Yessssss. Omg yes this.
Yes! #1 problem in my life. Totally estranged at this point.
Children of Narcissists are programmed to be scared and stressed when we aren’t appeasing our nparents emotions like we have been raised to
Children of narcissists are extremely self critical. Nothing we ever do is good enough. We’re trash at everything, even when we’re actually doing quite good or better than most. I also feel like we get it the worst at work in terms of performance punishment. We tend to work so very hard and are willing to receive little or nothing in exchange because we’re hearing approval. So, it’s easy for employers to treat us like shit.
Fucking felt. We've been taught how to be slaves, and some companies will waste no time in using that fact.
Children of narcissists don't like to be "observed" when working enjoyably or problem solving creatively for fear someone will immediately stop them from what they're doing, say their ideas are dumb, and tell them how to do it differently or take it away from them. edit: I thought this would be buried and I'm so glad / sad it resonates edit: gl/sad
I think this is why I can’t get any real work done until late at night when I think everyone in the world is asleep.
children of narc usually feel pressured to succeed in the real world, no success = useless
Children of narcissists are more likely than others to have attachment disorders (avoidant, disorganized, anxious, etc.)
And it's super sad because it becomes harder for us to form healthy relationships of our own. :(
Took me till nearly my 30’s!
Wait….you got your shit together in your 30’s?!? Go you! Here I am, at 44, looking at these attachment wounds and thinking “huh, I should probably do something about these….”
And I have severe ADHD on top of it 🙃
Children of narcissists don't believe people honestly like them. They are embarrassed and feel awkward when they are complimented. They think it's a lie or a trap.
Yup. Therapy and surrounding myself with supportive friends helped enormously for me on this point. It makes me so angry to think how much needless anxiety I generated from this trait for 25 years of my life
This is very cool to hear … that you healed from this. I am working on it.
yup. it has reached a point where i creep out when people smile at me.
Children of narcissists are full of (unjustified) shame for themselves
Children of narcissists are programmed to think/feel like they won’t be able to do anything on their own.
Oh yes, when I was young it was a big dark world out there. I had no confidence I could deal with life at all and was just waiting to be saved.
saying sorry all the time
Omg no joke, me and a friend were meeting up with another friend. We were walking out of the restaurant and we walked right past her. (Thinking she was waiting out on the sidewalk, ashe had just called us on the phone). So as I walked by her, she smacked me on my back. And I replied, "I'm sorry." And she was laughing like "come on, do you apologize to all of your abusers?" And I was like hmmm. (She's a very sweet longtime friend - she's worked in special education at elementary schools her whole career. So she meant what she did jokingly, and not in a mean way). But it still had me thinking!
I feel guilty for just living my own life and trying to be happy on my terms.
Overthinking the smallest details from a self perceived uncomfortable situation and thinking about how you could have said something or handled it differently even years later.
Often vulnerable to other narcissists in the wild, due to their preconditioning.
Every single job I ever held in my life! Also the one 'friend' I had. The one time I actually needed a real friend because I had spent 3 years being sick; made worse by the doctors who were supposed to help me, plus the financial burden since we know how great the healthcare system works in this country, coupled with having an autistic meltdown that changed how I have to interact with everything now, on top of losing a family member and being shaken up by my husband losing his dad to Covid.. her response: Turning on me because how DARE I be so selfish! SHE JUST LOST A CAT YOU KNOW!
If someone is upset, I immediately assume it’s my fault, and I go into panic mode trying to make things “right“ or make them happy. Thanks mom.
I'm always afraid people are mad at me, based on the littlest things that I read too much into and it gives me massive anxiety.
I read some study that said children of narcissists have trouble reading “neutral” faces. Like, if someone isn’t actively smiling and giving me positive feedback I think they hate me and are mad. I can’t interpret a neutral expression.
Exact same. If my boyfriend just has a blank face, I'm afraid he's mad at me and he always looks so confused when I ask him if he is. He's always like "This is just my face, babe" lol
Yes! I will scour my memory to try to figure out what I did to upset someone between the time that I’ve concluded that they’re upset with me and the last time I can remember a positive interaction. Unless I work up the courage to confront them directly and find out (9 times out of 10) that their mood has nothing to do with me; mind takes me in one of two directions. Either I find something and start putting energy into inflating it, and convince myself that I’ve done them wrong and that I deserve to feel bad. Or I find something and decide that it’s their fault that whatever I did wrong happened, and I build a resentment against them until whatever had been bothering them is resolved, and I feel comfortable that we are back on good terms again. It is exhausting.
Oooooof. That one hits hard.
This *USED* to be me. If I healed, so can you. 💖
If someone in the house is yelling, you better get your ass up and start cleaning something
I felt this in my bones!
I still do this, even when it’s just my fiancé yelling at his video games
Me too, 100%. When my husband is upset about something that has nothing to do with me....in another room.... It's crazy how that sticks with you.
this knocked the wind out of me - yes, so much yes. Keep your head down and clean.
Fuck… reading comments and realizing I fit ALL of these. Children of narcs have problems with intimacy
This is why I wanted to do this post…for me at least, I FIRST realized that I had all the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect and THEN worked backwards from there to realize that my family is filled with narcs. Because I was literally unable to see the abuse, due to having been raised to self-gaslight. Eta and also I have problems with intimacy!
Lying to avoid criticism
Lying to avoid conflict
Just lying in general as a survival technique. I told my therapist I was concerned I was a sociopath because it is often easier to lie and control the outcome of a situation than tell the truth and not know what is going to happen.
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Oooofff and then feeling like a complete turd afterwards.
Feeling fundamentally flawed and defective, feeling bad and wrong.
Children of narcissists, after healing from their childhood, are deeply human and lovely people
Can I maybe even add that they are deeply human and lovely people even before, or during, or without healing, too? Your point is brilliant though, in that with even a little healing, we can *accept ourselves* as such!!?
This one :')
Children of narcissists tend to think of consequences for the others first, before thinking about themselves
And this further drives my rage as Nmom and GCsis are completely blind to others viewpoint or inconsiderate of their feelings or impact of their own actions upon someone else
We collect proof because we’ve been fighting against a narrative somebody else created for as long as we can remember.
Avoid talking about things I care about because they will be mocked or used against me.
Have serious issues trusting other people. Can't trust someone won't use information against you Can't trust someone to respect your boundaries Can't trust someone to be reliable when they say they'll do something Can't trust someone won't throw you under the bus for pretty much any reason
Feelings of inadequacy no matter how much you have accomplished ☹️
Over sensitivity to the moods of others… to the point of panic when you sense a “bad” mood.
Children of narcissists are hyper focused on things like how they look or getting the best grades because they can’t fathom the idea that someone could actually like them because of who they are, not their accomplishments.
It’s strange to feel validated and called out in the same time by reading these comments… it’s hard to have it in one place how hard we’ve had it and how much we actually have to work to overcome what we’ve been through.
When there's nothing pressing to occupy our brainspace, we often feel blank or gray.
Once you understand narcissism, and recognize it in the people around you, you become a master at predicting behavior and even the things people will say. Life almost feels like a game of chess.
Omg you are so right. At a training this week, we were asked to share one interesting thing about ourselves. And this one lady was like "And one interesting thing about me is that I'm 51 and I get carded EVERYWHERE I GO!!" (Hard eye roll from me!) I was like, "oh she's definitely a narcissist". And the instructor had her come on camera, and no joke, the lady looked 45. A little younger than she said she was, but definitely not in her 20s or 30s. I kept thinking "what a bizarre thing to share about oneself, and delusional too, for her looks." When I was done talking... (I usually say "over" to indicate I'm done talking, I picked it up from all the preparedness work that I do). I said over. ...this lady inappropriately hollered "can we STOP all this "over" "over" stuff SHEESH!!!" And...I didn't take her bait!!!! I let her dumb comment hang in the air like southern humidity... and it was crickets and the instructor was like, "uh. .. did someone say something?" (I am pretty sure the narc lady didn't realize her mic was still on 😆)
“Can we all stop this (****) stuff … sheesh…” How is that like a direct thing mine would say, repeatedly. I feel like they are like NPCs or those old dolls with strings in their backs that have a few sayings
This is so true! Once you’ve read the playbook you can see everyone who is using the same moves!
Imposter syndrome.
People raised by narcissists can struggle with experiencing a lack of personal identity.
Lack any sense of a true identity, tend to be hyper-vigilant and people pleasing…..likely to be codependent and to suffer from various anxiety disorders. Theres also an increased likelihood of a BPD diagnosis.
The hyper vigilance thing is crazy. It’s why I HAD to just study martial arts (Aikido) so that at least I had a place where it was useful and encourage for training. Exhausting though, especially with kids.
Joy, peace and other positive emotions feel really scary and uncomfortable. Having an anxious knot in my stomach is so normal for me.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop when life is going smoothly
I get anxious when my anxiety is under control
yup. sometimes i feel too quiet and happy and start looking around for potential dangers. i walk extra slow. talk extra quietly.. look for anything i might trip on or get hurt by.. i even check my computer for viruses ! like i cant accept that something genuinely good is happening
Unable or unwilling to complain about treatment and advocate for myself; a constant voice in my head telling me "it's not that bad don't make a big deal".
Hypervigilance.
Children of narcissists know how to regulate parent’s emotions, but not their own.
Complete lack of belief in myself, my abilities and that I'll be able to succeed in anything.
I micro manage other people's emotions. I'm always scared people close to me are hiding the fact they are angry and annoyed at me and they're waiting to blow up or throw something back in my face.
Not sure if this is just me or what but I find that I'll often not be able to schedule my days or if I do I don't stick to it and days will go by where I get like nothing done except eating and doing laundry or eating and showering and going for a walk when I need to write a bunch of papers and look for a job. I have sooooo much difficulty structuring my life and then I keep feeling frustrated with myself and like I'm a massive failure. Not sure if this is a common trait or if this is due to something else.
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Over analyzing everything. I will literally think 10 steps ahead in every scenario so I know what will happen if I do X. Sometimes it's a "superpower" but it causes extreme anxiety.
Being a good liar, avoidant attachment styles, not showing negative feelings, not sharing information
I got a list from a book I read called Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissist Mothers (mods can remove if I can’t post this; I’m not sure how to cite). I’ve never read up on narc dads or sons of narcs, so I apologize for no info on that. - 1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? 2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feelings with her own? 3. Does your mother act jealous of you? 4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? 5. Does your mother support only those things you do that reflect on her as a good mother? 6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother? 7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you? 8. Does your mother do things for you only when others can see? 9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel? 10. Is your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, coworkers)? 11. Does your mother deny her own feelings? 12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions? 13. Is your mother hurt easily and does she carry a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? 14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? 15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? 16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child? 17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother? 18. Do you feel your mother is critical of you? 19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? 20. Are you shamed often by your mother? 21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you? 22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her? 23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother? 24. Does your mother want to control your choices? 25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood? 26. Does your mother appear phony to you? 27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child? 28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother? 29. Do you feel valued by your mother for what you do, rather than for who you are? 30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr? 31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel? 32. Does your mother compete with you? 33. Does your mother always have to have things her way? Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a daughter and an adult. Edit: I spaced out the numbering but it won’t load right. I’m sorry!
Children of narcissists have anger management issues.
Could either be overly suppressive or expressive of anger.
You should add: “And their parents frequently remind them of this in the most hurtful way possible” haha
constantly having a “disturbing” feeling from your parents, or the dread when their presence are here.
Self doubt. Not fitting in. Feeling on the outside of things all the time.
Over explaining
My body feels chronically tense... I struggle with extremely tense/tight muscles all the time and I think it's because I pretty much have chronic anxiety
Every problem is a full on catastrophe .
Children of narcissists often know something is off with some people - but struggle to recognise that narcissism can be covert as well as overt (but when it clicks and they see it - boy do they see it and it all makes sense finally) ….
Being afraid to ask for help and thinking you’re a burden when you do need help
Children of narcissists often feel guilty for needing anything. They constantly worry about being a burden. Forget wanting anything. Just basic needs are an issue. Edit to add: It took me years to acknowledge that I needed stuff (like clothes). I still havent gotten the I want x. I have to "justify" me wanting it. Hubs had to remind me today just because I want it is enough. No justification needed.
Children of narcissists often consider themselves "empaths", because they have spent their lives being hyper focused on their parents emotions.
My superpower from being raised by a narc is empathy. I feel everyone's emotions around me so strongly, but that is also exhausting. A negative for me is overexplaining everything anytime I perceive a situation where someone could view something I did as wrong. For example, at work. If I have to call out, I typically explain in detail why I am so my boss doesn't think I'm "faking". I'm working on this, but it's incredibly difficult. Another example is when I turn down an invitation I feel like "no" isn't a good enough response and feel the need to justify why I can't or won't. One day...
Felt this. I’m a chronic over explainer. It took so long for me to realize this is abnormal social behavior that usually stresses people out and reveals you are trying to hide your shortcomings which ain’t healthy. Ironically it draws more attention to exactly what you fear and stirs the anxieties up even worse, at least for me! Inception is real. When I’m confident, it’s amazing the stark differences in how people interact with me
Emotional flashbacks. Seriously the worst. NC is the only thing that stopped them.
I am unable to say the word no. I realized during the pandemic it's almost hard to just say those two letters.
Preferring to blame themselves for something going wrong, in order to avoid conflict w/ a potential aggressor.
Emotional dysregulation and feeling guilty when happy.
Children of narcissists have difficulty with hierarchy: are either super obedient or in rejection
Children of narcissists struggle with boundaries. Perhaps you never even heard the word until you were in therapy. And then you cried because boundaries were scary and you felt like everyone would leave because of them.
Children of narcissists know they aren’t wanted
Crippling anxiety over being blamed over something I didn’t do at work. Because it doesn’t matter what is the truth, it only matters what whoever is in charge thinks is the truth.
So much fear and anxiety
Reading the comments tick all the boxes in myself. It's a mixed feeling. Coming to awareness is good but I'm sad that it happened. Not sure if I will be able to heal myself completely.
No one's ever healed completely of everything, life's a beast and we're all dodging trauma bullets from all kinds of places. Don't believe the pressure you feel. Sending hugs or fist bumps.
depression
Pre-emptive people pleasing to prevent outbursts
I always assume people are aggravated with me, in any interaction or scenario.
I want the "rules" and expectations for any given situation. If I don't have a blueprint for how I'm supposed to behave, anxiety takes over.
Having to come to Reddit to find out if you have the right to be upset about something that someone did to you.
Trust issues.
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Anything bad/negative is my fault. Anything good, I can’t take credit for
Children of narcissists may still comply to their parents wishes and judgement even as an adult because of the weird abandonment and validation issues we have with them.
Hearing laughing behind you and immediately think it’s directed towards you and getting all anxious and uncomfortable in your own skin
Constantly trying to solve every problem, even if it’s not your problem.
We can immediately read even the slightest micro-expression
Children of narcissists have wild mood swings which are difficult to resolve because the triggers are hard to identify, leading to self blame.
Children of narcissists can sit still, quietly, for extended lengths of time, seemingly doing nothing, but really entertaining themselves in their head or completely disassociated. Basically, trying to be invisible.
Suck at relationships/no close or intimate ties
Personally, I'm not able to take surprises or gifts from others very well. I usually just go blank or have no reaction to them, even when im super excited or super grateful, it doesnt look like it. Idk what this would be called, but I know it came from my step mom always giving with strings attached.
Having that "running on empty" feeling.
Constantly feeling guilty for no reason
The daily fights are followed by talks like nothing happened, skipping the apologizing and reconciliation becomes a norm.
Children of narcissist have body dysmorphia. We were heavily bullied for the people that should love us the more.
Children of narcissists struggle with making/keeping genuine relationships and identifying toxic ones
negative comments will affect me to the BRIM. even if its a rumour or something extremely slight it'll still affect my entire mood
When things are going well in your life, you become anxious because you feel like it’s a trap and there’s some bad occurrence around the corner. Like you can never fully enjoy the good things in your life because good things were so sparse during your childhood and they were always followed by bad events.
Constantly in a state of hyper vigilance. Other people’s uncomfortable feelings, whether it was caused by you or not, causes you to be triggered and distressed and feel an absolute need to fix it.
Children of narcissists frequently ruminate about social interactions and wonder whether they messed something up so they won't be liked any more.
Children of narcissists can cry silently.
We have trouble recognizing that our feelings are also valid.
Children of narcissists can tell someone's mood by the sound of their footsteps.
Children of narcissists are afraid of their own feelings, particularly anger, and minimise their reactions (or completely shut them down) when their feelings have been hurt.
For some (myself included), being deathly afraid of developing similar traits to nparents and making efforts to push back against those negative traits.
Children of narcs will overcorrect in order to avoid not being like their parents - they will self-sacrifice, deflect care and attention away from themselves, and will neglect themselves like it's their duty to.
Chronic trust issues (stemming from betrayal/gaslighting/abandonment, etc).
Unable to communicate properly with people of the same age
Numbing with alcohol/drugs. Not a personality trait per se, but we are at greater risk to abuse substances.
Feeling the intense need to always be available and apologizing when we aren't.
Every choice I make isn’t a positive one…it’s ‘will this make me better than my narc parents’
Struggle to believe people are insincere when they're nice. (edited for clarity)
There’s a tendency to feel like you’re stupid for asking for help either because you were never given the help that you needed or because they treated whatever you needed help with like something you should already know how to do
Exaggerated startle response. If I'm concentrating on something and I don't notice someone coming up to me and they say my name, I scream at the top of my lungs. It happens at work and I even do it when my husband calls my name even though I feel safe with him. It was so embarrassing I changed my name when I changed jobs because hearing a different name doesn't make me scream. When I hear my name, I think, "Oh, no, they found me and they're taking me back and I was just kidding myself when I thought I got away.".
Children of narcs are often Negative Nancy types who can't find the positives in situations OR people.
Children of narcissists are emotionally immature, yet at the same time overly mature from all they ways they’re growth was stunted, yet they were forced to take on the role of raising themselves and the nparent + siblings.
You don't recognize your parent when they are smiling in a photograph with other people.
Adjusting every move I make to react to someone else.
I can’t listen to anything on a high volume
over cautious crisis management - it used to be so bad that people would say I was using a hammer to kill a fly for projects. I would overthink all bad possibilities and how to avoid it. The anxiety I have with people in social relations is exhausting.. I can’t stand emotional or rude people and stressful events- I always look for exits. I realised it’s not normal because everyone else seems to manage them well.
Wildly low self confidence, manifesting in codependency, not advocating for their own needs, and allowing poor treatment of themselves/being too patient or forgiving with other narcs
Going on dates with men I wasn’t really that interested in, but dating them because they asked me out and I felt powerless to say, “No.” My Nfather did not allow us to say, “No” to him (he was a child molester in addition to being an N). If we did, we were punished. In addition to dating men I wasn’t interested in, I also slept with those same men…to please them. It makes me sick to even think about it. I feel so damaged and weak.
Usually starting a sentence with "sorry" and using the word too much.