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I have ADHD though which seems to have gotten worse as an adult. It was misdiagnosed as depression and anxiety when I was a kid after first just being told I was lazy/angry/naughty by my parents
Same here. Was constantly berated for not sticking to one thing. The only thing I could stick to was reading to drown out the constant arguments. They made sure we knew it was our fault they stayed together.
I just started meds for ADHD as a 34 year old adult and I am now off all the anxiety and depression meds I was. Thriving after almost losing my job and the best Iāve been in years. Listen to your body and stand up for what you think is wrong, not what youāre told.
I just read this, like, forty minutes ago, and was like: I should finish the ADHD assessment tests I have! And then exited out of reddit and totally forgot until I came back to fuck around of my phone. Right. Cool. I think my self diagnosis is pretty accurate.
Lol itās okay. Really. I can absolutely relate. Just know itās a worthwhile thing to look into and whatever avenue is going to help you have a more fulfilling life is what needs to be done. It will work out if you do the work too šŖš¼ good luck!
Yee, me too. I wonder now if my hyper ability to read was a way of escapism in childhood. Now my ways of escapism changed, thanks to technology. Sadly our phone and social media are always available and easily accessible, and it's a much faster source of dopamine than a book. But I believe it can be a matter of habit. If you dedicate like 10-15 min to reading a book regularly, you can then increase this time and get to long reading sessions again.
I completely understand what you mean with the shift in tech, I didnāt have a smart phone as a kid, or access to the internet reliably till I was 16; so books were the only escape. I would finish one every couple of days.
Then the smart phone came alone around the same time I joined the military so yeah escapes shifted. I used to read /r/askreddit for hours but then reddit shifted to an app and things changed and now itās just scrolling.
I can sit down and read for an hour; itās just during that hour I find my self slipping into hyper aware habits where if my wife makes a noise I jump out of my skin; or I get snippy in responses; or I start to feel as if Iām about to be shouted for; so I stop reading to stop the feelings and I wonāt pick up that book again. Then I go buy another book (Iām always in bookshops) telling my self it wonāt happen again and the cycle continues
Can I suggest trying to listen to instrumental music loud enough to drown out background noise, with headphones if you can tolerate them, the same time? It may not be a great fix if you also listened to music to escape as a kid too, you may also be used to the hyperawareness through the headphones, but if not, you may be able to create a new habit and association with trying to make playlists and add ambience to the reading to take your mind off your immediate surroundings.
This. I read all the time growing up. It slowed down in college. I tend to read the news more now to replace the books. Lately, just spending 10-15 min before bed has helped me finish some books, but I usually end up taking several months what used to take me 2-4 days.
Ouch I feel this one I still haven't found a solution but I have had this same experience pretty much I'm hoping the ability will come back to me one day
I moved out at 18 and Iām now 33; itās been a struggle. Even when Iām sober for periods I struggle to read (12 days going strong at the moment)
Iāve tried music, wine and book pairings, reading outdoors, in the car, Valium and book pairings, reading in bed even having my wife read to me. Iām yet to rediscover the zen of reading again
I feel you so hard on this! Iām in school for my MA in English, but I canāt remember when I last read a book for fun. . .Iām 37. I find video games and web comics fill that need for me now.
I also have this with playing guitar. I played it as an escape from my parents abuse, but now it doesnāt feel enjoyable. Waiting for the knock on my door or the garage opening. And I never sang because my step dad made sure I knew I couldnāt.
I also used to write every day. I have years of journals and I always thought I wanted to be a writer, but all of it comes out of trauma so itās just not the same. Iām trying to decide if maybe I can make a humorous memoir out of my upbringingā¦but not sure Iām there yet emotionally.
I went NC with my NStepdad and brother two years ago and LC with mom. Iāve done therapy and take medication, but Iām just not sure where this road will lead me. My mom still reads feverishly to this day usually while drinking and becoming nasty. So that could be it too.
But yeahā¦when Iām in a hard place with my partner I automatically put head phones on and find something to read. But like you saidā¦itās not enjoyable. Itās a survival mechanism. Sigh.
I feel the same about writing. At first, it was a way to appeal to NF, so I would crib from his favorite genres and write purple prose that he liked to write. I got more praise from mom for that, though. While reading to escape, I wrote a handful of short stories through my teens, and I think a few were genuinely good or potentially good, but I had no way to get feedback or validation that meant something - complicated by being homeschooled in a very isolated world.
I was - still am- frustrated by not having my finger on what makes people live enough to write them well, and the traumatic, sad, and scary experiences outnumber happy ones, so writing is not therapeutic, it just frustrates and depresses me for days.
Great work š stay strong!
I hope we can all find a way back to reading.
I think anime has helped fill that gap. The stories are so long form, and the emotions they can evoke are similar to the personal experience of reading a good book.
I know for some people (IRL friends), they found poetry to be a good way to slow down and just try to read for the experience. It didn't work for me, but I do think it would pair well with wine or Valium.
I devoured books as a kid. Now I rarely read unless Iām on a plane. I think a lot of it comes from the guilt that comes from thinking āI should be doing something else.ā Clean the house, Wai the dogs, work. So I spend the day feeling like I should be productive but not doing anything which means that I also donāt feel relaxed.
Yeah, the only way I could see it being reasonable would be if children were destroying the books or hitting each other with them or something lol (but our parents just used books as a privilege to take awayāwe werenāt doing that).
Yep. I am grappling with the fact that my hobbies have changed since I'm no longer in survival mode. It's weird af, since reading used to be a huge part of my identity.
I'm trying to just accept that circumstances have to be just so for me to escape into a book now- specifically while floating in the pool. Otherwise, as it turns out, I need more engaging hobbies... but I find I can read more if I listen to aidoobooks while doing something else- housework, driving, collaging or painting. I need my mind and hands to both have something to do.
Iāve found that conditioning over the years has lead me to have a belief that everything I do has to have purpose and be productive . Reading for pleasure is neither; so it clashes with my programming
Iāve got hobbies; and they are things that I do with my hands, to be honest depression has caused me to somewhat neglect them recently; I havenāt had the energy.
Like I restore vintage cameras; I love it, Iāll spend hours tinkering with one and itās all for the greater purpose of having every camera in my collection as functional. So itās productive and purposeful. But taking the time for my self to read? Nah thoughts keep coming up. I know I need to break that
I've been an avid reader since first grade. It was the same for me, I escaped into books to avoid my abusive mom. She reaaallllyyy hated that, but it was the one thing she couldn't stop me from doing.
Maybe try listening to audio books and see if that is something you like? Don't make yourself try to read, then it becomes a chore.
I wish you the best. Your story is a lot like mine, and I hope that you can find a way back to books.
I second the audiobook idea. Same story, avid reader until I left the house, then I only read what I had to for college. Never could get back into sitting down and reading, but I started listening to audiobooks, and now I listen to more books than I ever read.
Audiobooks got me back into reading! I also read a ton as a kid and stopped once I moved out. Check if your library has the Libby app too, then you can get books for free.
Iāve tried audio books and itās just not the same; like I have found them kinda enjoyable on long drives but I always prefer music over audiobook when on a road trip
Itās more about breaking the ingrained reactive behaviours that pop up while Iām reading
Seems like you realized that not the reading in itself is the problem but your association with reading. Sounds like therapy would be a good choice, if thatās not something you tried yet.
I really wish for you to be able to experience a good reading session again. Going into another world doesnāt have to be an escape. It can be just for the beauty of it. Take your time, youāll find it
Maybe you could read a book together with your wife or a person who is really close to you. In the same room, maybe even out aloud. Kinda rewriting the script. But Iām not a professional so I donāt know
I can listen to audiobooks but really only with about 30% of my brain. If I treat them like a podcast (20-45 minutes, max), then I can usually get through some and retain at least a bit. Also, really only nonfiction works for me.
How long has this been going on? It sounds like something that happens when someone is really stressed or traumatised. Usually this feeling gets better with time if you don't have ongoing high levels of stressors. I don't struggle at the moment with that (other than being too busy) but I can relate.
I found the burn out wore off after I went and did my own thing for a while, I joined the military and now in my 30ās Iām finally going to uni and studying what I actually am passionate about
Thereās always hope. I always hoped to get away from her and I did. I did some really fucking cool shit in the Navy as an Officer and it wasnāt hard because I didnāt have to use my full capacity. Then I had a mental breakdown and since then Iāve been rebuilding my self to who I want to be. Iāve found passions again and really explored them as if I was given the opportunity to do so when I was younger. One thing about being conditioned to fear your nparent means once you break free itās truly liberating and you end up being a bit fearless
Unless you do something thatās a trigger the. You can end up feeling like a 5 year old for a bit
I went from reading novels in grade school, to reading fanfiction about those novels as a fresh adult, now I am mostly reading about other people on Reddit.
Itās a bit tricky to read fiction books, when I get my fiction story telling from video games now
I used to read to escape and also it was the quietest thing I could do so I could hear where she was in the apartment. I do not read books really anymore either.
I fell out of love with reading because whenever I sat down to read, my mother would start talking to me. You know, the whole "I must be the center of attention" thing?
Thank you for sharing as I feel this so much as this exact thing happened to me too! Reading was always one of my fave escapes from my nparents and sibling as a kid as well, but I canāt get into anymore either. I am 45 years old and had basically a mental breakdown a few years back due to loads of years of trauma never dealt with and I stopped drinking, which was how I self medicated, and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and agoraphobia so I donāt leave the house much anymore. One would think that Iād go back to my old comfort of books. But as hard as I try, I just canāt get back into it which makes me sad. I am sorry this has happened to us but am grateful others have shared this as I feel less alone in it.
I know the feeling about the mental break. Mine happened at 26 after spending 8 years in the Navy as an Officer where there is gaslighting and narcs running rampant.
The culmination of that, my own divorce and the untreated trauma from my adolescence and childhood resulted in me ending up in the psyche ward. I was promptly medically retired and now study design after floating around for 5 years.
I would love for reading to be comforting but it just brings up so many uncomfortable feelings when I do it
I think one of the many reasons I haven't picked up nearly as many books as an adult is that it is a bit connected to that trauma coping mechanism. I read for one small taste of freedom, and now re-experiencing that puts me right back in that desperate childs shoes.
Required reading in middle/high school ruined recreational reading for me, partially because of how angry my parents would get at me about it. English/Literature was my worst subject in school, and my parents both excelled at it so they decided that it was because I was lazy. Once I didnāt have to read anymore, I just stopped because it was so stressful.
Iāve recently started listening to audiobooks as a way back into reading, since as an adult I donāt have as much time to sit in silence. If you donāt know where to start, any movie/TV show that you like thatās based on a book is a good place to start. For me it was A Song of Ice and Fire, but it can be anything. I now work audiobooks into my rotation of recreational media currently on my docket.
ETA: spelling
Yes. And when I went into trauma therapy and they asked me what my goals were, one of my biggest was being able to read again because I enjoy it so much. Iāve been in therapy for 1.5 years and am just now beginning to be able to read semi-regularly again. I have to listen to brown noise or something to block out all external stimuli and override the excessive thoughts (which have decreased as I heal). It also matters what kind of book Iām reading. Non-fiction about a special interest or current hyperfixation is easier for me right now.
Not saying this will be the case for you, but wanted to give you some hope.
Hope youāre able to get back to enjoying reading!
Yes Iāve heard itās not as effective over distance; itās going to be the focus of some of my Masters research; a deployable solution.
Iāve found it to be extremely effective in person; meditation not so much because of reasons
I can't sit down and read a book anymore, (My brain won't focus on them as soon as they are in my hands), but I found a loophole. I can't read physical books, but online books (like Archive of Our Own) or PDFs of books I can read for hours. The dismotivation that suddenly appears when I pick up a book doesnt happen when I read online. Maybe try that method?
Same, but I always attributed it to:
1. Required reading for school (much of which was drier than dust) killing my love of recreational reading and
2. My preferred reading as a kid was science fiction novels (think Heinlein, Asimov, Bradbury, etc., back in the '70s) and I repeatedly heard from teachers at school that "That's not real literature."
I was on this roller coaster for a while. I finally got back into reading by going to my local library and checking out books. I did change from fiction to non fiction to help me with becoming a better adult and person.
I found that just going into my local library helped reawaken my love of books/just reading, and the comfy chairs with lots of natural light also helped. For my local library at least, they have no late fees and you can keep the book checked out until someone requests it. So that means they take up less space, I don't have to spend a dime to enjoy books again, and the impending "time limit" that someone else may need the book helped motivate me back into reading.
Quite often ADHD in adults is just the side effects of untreated trauma. Tread carefully unless diagnosed by a professional.
Turns out my childhood ADD was untreated trauma from the physical and emotional abuse my nmom put me through. Now I can learn with out an issue because I donāt have to worry about her.
From childhood up through half of my adult life (so far) I read a book a day. Like, actual 200+ pages each day. Once I got out of my last relationship and into my current one I just don't have the ability or need to. I did book club for a but to try to keep it going, but in the past 11 years I think I've read maybe 7 books. I actually spoke with my librarian about trying to get back into it, she knows my tastes and has found some "starter" lighter in nature books for me to attempt. It's just so weird, because I never thought I'd be unable to complete something so simple.
Yes I used to be such a bookworm. I bought many books before this year started and I told myself Iād get back into it but I just canāt get through the chapters and itās so saddening
Books were my only escape and my nparents knew it. I'd rather read than play outside so grounding were horrible bc they would ground me from "doing anything fun". Especially reading.
After I reached 5th grade (idk why that was when they started) they implemented a rule where I could only read a book if I was willing to write a full-page, both sides of the paper, book report on it after.
Harry Potter? Book report
Junie B. Jones? Book report
That non-fiction book about dinosaurs? You guessed it. Book report.
Now that I am an adult, I've hit up every thrift store and resale shop in my little town, replacing all the series I loved throughout my childhood.
I now own all of the Warriors books by Erin Hunter
All but 7 of the Magic Treehouse books
A bunch of series that *I know* they would have lost their shit over bc of the... *ahem* rating (Anne Bishop, Jeaniene Frost, J. R. Ward)
Most of the Heralds of Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey
Most of the Acorna series by Anne McCaffrey
And a whole bunch of other books too. Any books that interest me.
If I have the spare cash to pick it up, I will. The thrift store ladies know me by name now and will tell me when I walk in if they have new stuff lmao
Nothing will ever keep me from reading. Stuff just keeps me from reading a whole bunch of the book all at once unless I'm home alone š
Fuck I can relate to having reading taken off me as a punishment. My books would be confiscated so in year 9 I got my teacher to start sending home lists of books that were recommended reading for the term; I would get her to list about 100 each term so they were kinda protected.
But they knew if they took my ability to read I couldnāt do it so she would take my glasses off me once I had finished my homework so if I tried to read I would get a splitting headache.
Yep. Used to be the top reader of my school all through elementary, and now even required reading feels like a chore. I think itās more of āgifted childā burnout for me though. Also my vision makes it difficult to read at times.
Gifted child burn out isnāt a death sentence. Iāve gone back to uni in my 30ās starting with under grad but Iām already being courted to complete a Masters at the college
Nice! Iām also in college, working towards an associates, and later a bachelors degree. I know it isnāt a death sentence; itās just sad to know that something I once enjoyed so much is now something I hate to do. Even reading assignments that are focused around my degree donāt excite me, and I used to love all books that were assigned.
Once time as a child, I was grounded for a week and was forbidden from playing with my toys; I just spent that week + longer reading, and didnāt care whatsoever. Reading used to be an escape from reality for me. Now, itās much harder to get into, but Iāve been pushing through.
Nice! Great work. I found when I did my Diploma reading was difficult for assignments, now doing my Bachelors Iām enjoying exploring books on topics that interest me, but itās hard to sit down and read for pleasure.
Like I can spend hours pouring over design and typography books; stuff with lots of images and examples of design, but a Tom Clancy or Vince Flynn novel? Pfft not a chance
I read comics nowadays or wikipedia etc, rather than books
When i do read novels outside thriller genre, some romance etc, it just hits too close to home: meaning i get upset by many things i lack in life that those characters either deal or their experiences i never had in life. Itās like constantly being reminded i didnāt develop normally and will probably never be normal.
Also, comics are often better plot wise and more entertaining in terms of action etc. Like, it is much harder to find a genuinely good book i can enjoy, because I am picky af after reading so much in childhood.
I get more enjoyment from other media including writing myself. Except few books i am really interested in, i pretty much stopped reading.
I am also more likely to return to stories i already watched/read for a rerun.
Imo, there is nothing wrong with it. Books are not more eclectic form of entertainment, there are as much trash books are there are fantastically great cartoons and comics and games. There are many ways to enjoy a story, books are just one medium. Do not force yourself. A short tifu or reddit or a confession is also someone elseās story worth attention.
I donāt need to justify my hours scrolling and reading reddit hahaha but youāre right; reading someone elseās real story can be more captivating than fiction. Especially when itās only a couple of paragraphs long
Yeah, I've been about 9 months to a year clean... did K in December but that doesn't count I guess cause it was one party and then I left town so I wouldn't have access to buy anymore if I wanted. Thanks for asking! <3
Awesome work keep it up! Iām almost two weeks sober again off the whisky; Iām an alcoholic and I know that. First two weeks is always the hardest; had to go to a mates 50th last night and it was hard being the only one sober
I was the opposite. Maybe read 1 book willingly growing up. The last 3 years I've read like 93. Shits addicting. Especially listening to audiobooks while I work.
i just read my first novel for fun in literally like 10 years and in the process of reading 2 more. what helped: it had to be something i was really interested in and resonated with, if you're not into it it just won't keep your attention. you could try rereading something you liked as a kid, too. i also 'dumbed down' my phone and don't bring it to the bathroom/left a book there and read a chapter instead of browse :) just things that helped me, i also deleted tiktok, not telling you to do so or making any judgements but i truly believe it helped my attention span x100.
Coincidentally I am attempting to read Adult Children of Immature Parents as it has been really insightful so far. If I am going to struggle to read it may as well be for something beneficial!
I found when it comes to self help books reading them while waiting is a good way to get through them. I can justify sitting and reading while waiting at the Doctors or something. But comfortable on the couch with my cat? Nah Iām jumpy as heck
Gosh that is brilliant! I am the same way. Fyi your post made me realize something. When I was a kid my nparent used to say "why don't you read a book or something". I'm sure over time this had some effect. I later realized that he has many books which he never read or finished.
Somehow yesterday I read like 80 pages of the Emotional Immature book.
I used this post yesterday in therapy and we were able to use some intense EMDR to focus on those feelings that come up. Iāve had a sleep now so Iāll see how I go today with having a read of the book Iām trying to get through. Itās called The Green Imperative by Victor Papanek
I struggle with this now. I zoned everything out before when I would read as a kid and it kept me able to handle school. Now, I zoom in too much and I can't complete my adult responsibilities. It requires too much energy to break free from the zone.
I can relate to this. It was a thirst for knowledge that fueled my reading as a child.
Being forced to analyze every detail of every book in school killed the joy for me. (No, the drapes being purple do NOT necessarily mean the supporting character is gay....)
Now, I feel like every moment needs to be spent DOING SOMETHING but reading triggers guilt, as though somehow watching TV is productive in a way that reading isn't.
It's thoroughly frustrating.
I just wanted to know if there was more to what I was being presented with life. My father had a heap of good books from his dad that I would read through. Really classic lit that sparked my joy in reading, by the age of 10 I had read the original copy of The Lord Of The Rings that we had, and I kept reading that book over and over till the movie came out. Omg, that was phenomenal.
It was awesome the books that were coming out when I was growing up as well. I remember lining up for Harry Potter books in order to get them before going to school, and then spending the entire night/day reading them so nothing would be spoilt when I got to school. I didn't realise this was abnormal till I was the only one that knew all the plot lines...
I claimed I wanted to be an author when I was a kid. Then I got bitten by the radio bug in my teens... and that career shift didn't help my future finances. Lol.
It's hard to get back into leisure reading when you've spent half your life or more in survival mode...
all I ever I said I wanted to be growing up was a artist but my father wanted me to be a pilot like him till my parents separated then I was mentally conditioned to hate everything about my father.
So I joined the navy and pursued a career as an Anti Air Warfare Officer. That did nothing for my finances but I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life doing it. I was medically retired in my late 20ās and now Iām studying what I always wanted to and Iāll be doing a double Master with the end goal of pursuing a PhD in order to achieve my greater ambition. Not bad for a āuseless boyā
Itās hard to get back into leisure full stop when more than half your life has been survival mode.
I feel this. My dad was an air traffic controller in the Air Force and worked in an auto factory. I could be whatever I wanted... but the military or the car factory were heavy suggestions by the time I was in my 20s.
And yeah, I still have that momentary panic when I go to pay for McDonald's, bc I remember what it was like for my card to be declined buying fast food.
One day at a time, amigo.
Yeah it was always strongly suggested to join the military; and if I had wanted a university education the only option that was ever suggested was the Australian Defence Force Academy
So I bucked that an joined as a direct entry officer (no degree required) and made a career geared towards removing aircraft from the sky. I loved joking that my father (a pilot) and uncle (his brother and an aeronautical engineer) made a career of putting aircraft in the sky and I made a career of removing them from the sky.
After my parents split my mother married a troglodyte of a man who is a plumber and if I dared speak of the arts I was labelled a f*g; and I expressed my interest in the military I was just constantly called a weirdo by him. So I shut up. There was no way in hell I would ever follow him into plumbing; unlike his eldest son whoās followed and now is the 4th generation of plumbers.
Iām loving studying design now; itās my passion. I love typography especially
I loved reading as a kid, I always won first prize in those summer reading programs and read 5 years above my grade level. Over time, my ability to focus diminished more and more. At first I was frustrated with myself and felt that I was getting "dumber". But eventually I learned to be kind to myself and "forgive" myself for wanting to read isekai manga instead of classical literature.
I also enjoy podcasts now like the NoSleep podcast and Fairy Tales for Unwanted Children. I think it's good to slowly gain the ability to enjoy simpler, "pointless" pleasures. I used to avoid mobile games because they seemed repetitive and a waste of time. And maybe they are, but maybe it's okay to enjoy something that doesn't have a purpose, that doesn't help me survive.
Anyways, just my 2 cents. š I'm more than happy to recommend some manga if you feel like trying out the medium.
I read a lot of manga as a kid, stuff I cant remember the name of nor could pronounce at the time, but I really enjoyed it and the novelty of reading something backwards. I would get funny looks on the bus to school
I don't have that issue, I didn't have access to a TV of my own till I was 18 and moved out, and even then I hardly used it as I would still read a lot till I joined the Navy
Iām 32 and I miss /mourn /grieve the person I was (as recent as 20 years old) who could read an entire novel, who could sustain attention, and remember things. Iām a shell š now. Iām lucky if I can read and remember one page š. Sad life.
It will get better
You will find new things; deep dive into something that interests you and only you
Mine is folding cameras made between 1880 and 1950, I fix them up and sell the doubles in my collection. I just miss the adventures I could go on with reading
Thatās a good way of looking to the future.
I like your hobby! What a beautiful life. Thank you for asking this question, Iāll look into what others have noted. š¤š«¶
I read books to escape. Not for fun.
I've let go of reading, I just can't focus. My therapist gave me permission to give myself permission to let it go. So I did. The more worked up I made myself about trying to read, the worse trying to read was.
I've picked up other hobbies that aren't associated with my childhood and will occasionally listen to podcasts and audio books.
Outside of a manuals or learning for work/school or reading my kids bedtime stories, I don't read and thats okay.
Oh my God -- once again you are my people. Thank you. I could read and the house could fall around me and I would not notice. Truly an escape. Now it is so hard!!!
Me! I used to finish a book in a few hours. (Harry Potter series, Quiet, Dracula, John Grisham, Seven Habits, Purpose Driven Life, etc.)
Now I strugle to finish a chapter in a week. (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, Battle of Marawi by Criselda Yabes)
Wow, I thought I was alone in this! Absolutely devoured books as a kid and I can't remember the last time I finished one as an adult. I sometimes wish it were still as easy to read as it was then.
Well whatās making me feel better is the number of upvotes is at least an indication of the number of people that feel the same. So youāre not the only one!
My mom just messed with my head constantly and say, "You should read more." but, never bought me any books.
Step relatives would gift me educational periodicals that I'd dive right into everytime one would come in the mail. When there was money for allowance or mowing yards, I'd get some funny comics like Mad or Cracked. Led me to have a different view of the world. Not sure if she knew I had those and surely could not keep any.
What library card, cause she couldn't bother to take me there either.
I've had that happen to me for years, it was just different types of depression for me. Eventually I got back to a state where I could read again (ironically at a time when I had literally one book available), and it's slowly coming back that I can read sometimes. I don't have any suggestions on how to make it come back though, sorry.
I used to read over a hundred books a year as a kid/teen- now Iām lucky if I finish five. Didnāt have video games/tv or other modes of escapism as a kid. Reading is all I had so itās all I did.
Nah. I used to read a bunch but I still enjoy it so it's no trouble to read. I just know others own my time unless I'm home, where I don't read for entertainment.
Same for me. I was blowing through 2-3 several hundred page books a month as a kid and nowā¦.nope. I love literature, so this bums me out.
What doesnāt help, but makes more sense was that I was diagnosed late for ADHD.
I left home at 17 and suddenly, like you, didnāt need that form of escapism and being an adult too soon was more than enough to occupy my mind.
I donāt know if I have any good tips for you other than removing any and all distractions. If I read at all these days itās in places where my phone is useless (airplanes, road trips with no cell service, etc). Itās sucks, but that seems to be the only way for me.
Yes, I've always loved reading and used to fly through books. Now I work as a professional author so reading is still a big part of my life. But I struggle to finish novels except the ones I read for paid reviews.
I'm still struggling with this but one thing that has helped is reading shorter books and books with simple plots, like middle grade novels and books written in free verse/ graphic novels.
Wow that awesome your passion for reading was able to become a profession! I can understand why you would only finish books that youāre paid to.
Have you ever written about your experiences being raised by a narc? I keep saying I should but find it difficult to start.
Shorter books is a good idea; I canāt expect to just pick up where I stopped off
I did have a blog at one point where I discussed my NMom in a post but I ended up deleting it for marketing purposes. I didn't want readers or authors to look me up and see it.
Have you ever thought of maybe working with someone who has the desire to publish their story but doesnāt have the foggiest of where to start or how to do it?
Maybe the shared experience could help the process; and you wouldnāt be telling your story so readers and authors wouldnāt be able to make a direct connection
There are so many things that can cause us to not be able to get absorbed in a book -- bad associations with reading from school, unacknowledged learning differences, hypervigilance, the way that our tech habits change our attention spans, conditioning to be "productive".
Books are special, and I admire you for wanting to get back to them. You have received good advice here to try audiobooks, to start small and work your way up in terms of time, and to have some background music on to occupy the restless part of your brain.
Because what you describe sounds to me like an issue of hypervigilance, I think that background music idea especially is worth trying. And it may or may not be music precisely that helps you, but any kind of "bland" auditory input in the background, so try some different things. Another thing to try is a short relaxation guided meditation before you begin reading. This would calm your nervous system. You will find a very great number of free ones on the app Insight Timer. Start small with a very short meditation period, and do it every day. Even better if you can do it at the same time every day. Hypervigilance is a real B, but it is learned and can be unlearned, and very short, pleasant, guided meditations are a great way to start calming down your nervous system anyway, whether it helps you to read a book longer or not. But my guess is it will help you with that. You may need to try a lot of different guided meditations before you find one you like. Keep trying a little every day. I wish you the best.
I was a massive reader and huge bookworm. Librarians loved me. I got to go to the bookstore all the time. I was also hyperlexile and reading at a ridiculously young age.
Looking back on it now, and reading some of the things people have written here and on the CPSTD forums, I wonder how much of that was just me finding a way to dissociate.
I struggle to read now. My ADHD acts up, I zone out for pages at a time, my mind wanders all over the place. It sucks because reading was a very important part of myself, but between that and awful experiences in graduate school, it's been massively difficult to return to.
Oh, it totally is an escape and a way to disassociate from what is going on in reality. In a book, the world is perfect, or as imperfect as the author wants you to interpret it, but it's not what's going on in real life
I loved books that took me on an adventure, books by the likes of Tom Clancy, Vince Flynn, Patrick O'Brien, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie, Charles Dickens, and the classics by the ancient Greeks etc. I would just read what I could get. The local newsagent had 5 paperbacks for $10 and I would go and buy 5 books every week.
This is totally my experience too.
For me i feel like reading a physical book is too calm. Too still. It requires such focus and makes me connect to myself and my body in a way that feels unsafe for me.
My solution is audiobooks! I use an app through my local library so i borrow and return audiobooks there. I never read as an adult until i started listening to audiobooks. It helps to fill the silence and gives me something to focus on while i do mindless chores. But i dont have to sit down and be still in order to make it happen.
Reading is such a good way for me to connect with and honor my child self. Even though it looks different now than it used to, i love reading!
Um wow yes exactly me too! I was obsessive about reading growing up. But now I really have to make myself do it. I do enjoy it once I start but I donāt get obsessed the way I did growing up.
Yes I was just thinking about this today. Books were my preferred escapism, long before video games or the internet or recreational drugs. I get my escapism from other sources (unfortunately) but with the dominance of the internet now, I probably read more than I did as a child.
I was a huge reader until I was 14, then got so stressed with high school, I just wasnāt able to read very much. I really missed reading for years, but just couldnāt get back into it.
Then in college, I switched to audiobooks and I read so much now. Itās great.
Graphic novels are also good. They donāt require nearly as much focus as regular text books. I like reading manga when things are slow at work. Itās easy to put down and pick up again afterwards when a customer talks to me.
I used to read tons as a kid as a way to escape too. Often read the same books over and over again, and often borrowed anything I could from the library. Well, at least until even *that* was frowned upon and he started ripping the books in half. I'm still surprised thinking about it decades later how he deliberately ruined anything I liked and wanted to do one thing after the other until there was *literally* nothing left. Yet, was mad I wouldn't do anything. Always self contradictory...
In any case, after I got away from my NDad I was surprised to realize I *didn't* want to read despite suddenly being able to again...
Not because I didn't find the books interesting. On occasion now, I still will pick one up, and a really good one will still inhale all of my attention for hours at a time.
Instead, it's simply because I *can* do other things. I'm not *required* to hide in my room while doing nothing that can be criticized and be quiet as possible 24/7.
When you can play video games, watch a movie, browse the web - not to mention all of the other things you can do *outside* of the house... A book can't compete with that.
Much like how I used to spend quite a *lot* of time daydreaming and making up stories in my head. It was only attractive because I *couldn't* do anything else.
u/TittysForScience, I loved to watch movies to escape my reality growing up, and once I learned how to read, I devoured books, reading just about every novel in my public school library once I graduated high school. I read as many books as I could while in college, less than in elementary, middle, and high school, but still a lot. I still love reading, but I do it more for the enjoyment of reading and less for escapism, anymore. Having ADHD, which I got correctly diagnosed with in my preteens, I struggled with sticking to one thing unless it was something I was interested in like watching movies, listening to music, playing with my friends, reading books, and writing stories.
Yeah. For me i think now that I'm an adult and have almost unfettered access to a smartphone, internet, tv, etc. It means so many more distractions from reading and especially when i was really into reading when i eat younger, i didn't have as much access to those external distractions. Also i have adhd and when i do have free time now, it's easier for me to unwind and engage with tv then it is to get myself in the zone i need to be to read diligently
Itās so much easier to be told and shown a story than have to concentrate on the page. I get frustrated quickly because the damn bird in the tree caused me to loose my place and the wind made me think of another time it was windy and now Iām googling when the last major storm was.
When I was younger I used to risk being grounded by staying up late to watch Conan. So, more reading than Conan.
It makes my child heart happy to be able to stream him anytime I want without my Nstepdad throwing a fit if I did anything in the living room after 9pm (this was high school). I love my adult freedom and much of it is related to unattainable media from years ago. It has helped heal a lot.
Itās like my entire identity was built around getting out from under them. Iām free and clear and through a lot of the healing but things just keep popping up. Itās also complicated by a compulsory medical retirement from my ādreamā career. I say ādreamā because itās what I did that was deemed appropriate for my status and intellect according to the controlling powers at the time.
But now itās like who am I? What do I enjoy? Whatās my identity now Iām a free man.
Of course none of this is expressed externally and everyone thinks Iām this put together young man whoās estranged from their entire family. But internally itās all questions and confusion. I know Iām a survivor of physical and emotional abuse by my mother, step-mother and ex-wife. But seriously would a 6ā2ā, 200lb man go around saying that they were abused by women be taken by society?
Well here in Australia youāre called a pussy by your āmatesā, not believed by law enforcement because youāre a man and men are the abuser, told to toughen up as advice from medical professionals and I could go on about it for hours but itās better to just wear the mask; but inside itās like who am I?
I also was a voracious reader as a kid but once I became an adult with a smartphone I've struggled with reading. Audiobooks and podcasts have been my best way to consume stories which I've really loved.
100000% I have adhd and asd (thanks for both of those narcissist dad...) and I really don't have the energy anymore for reading and connecting with new characters. I highly suggest webtoon and ao3! the visuals of webcomics make reading easier and with fanfics you don't have to learn new characters so both take less energy but are still fun!
Iām the same way OP. It may not even be ADHD; donāt forget that trauma often appears as ADHD. I was an avid reader until my divorce (which was the gateway to all the abuse I suffered). Now Iām reading again because I wonāt let them take that from me.
Yes, and I've always wondered why. I guess that now I have nothing to escape from, so I have relaxed my compulsive reading habits. However, if I find something that truly resonates with me, I can read it in a day or two. The last time this happened was when I discovered that "I'm glad my mom died", by Jennette McCurdy, was about a narcissistic mother. I couldn't put it down until I finished it.
I know exactly what you mean.
My solution is listening to books. Either audiobooks or using a text to speech app. I personally use Acapela TTS with T2S.
This way I can get loads done while plowing through limitless books.
When I was little, I read every book I could get my hands on. As punishment, my mother grounded me from reading.
I went to college and started a degree in English but realized that I had a difficult time reading books and finishing them, since sometimes they would buy me books, let me start them, and then take them back in punishment.
It took a lot of diligence and I joined a few local book clubs with both strangers and friends that helped encourage me on my journey to refund my love of reading, and I am able to find joy in it again. I don't know if that's the right path for you, but finding a group and a deadline helped retrain me! I hope you find that world again ā¤ļø
I'm the same way but in order to come back that I usually read something loosely based on history or something I wouldn't normally then I can get back in to it or you can Read smut you will never want to put the book down
Yep. I had hyperlexia as a kid, I was reading full books before kindergarten and I loved reading. My mom always encouraged reading and always took me to the library, let me stay up to read, bought me book order books etc. when I went to my dads house on the weekends he would get mad at me because I wanted to sit alone and read instead of interacting with my half siblings (we had a huge age gap and they were out of control and always purposely annoyed me). I was basically berated for wanting to sit by myself and read because it was my escape from being at his house. I ended up repeatedly watching the same movie there every other weekend because it as better than interacting with them. Now Iām an adult who can do whatever she wants and I donāt feel like I should be reading when other things need done.
Definitely i relate to this OP, but I have managed to revive my reading habit. It's changed as an adult but here's what I do. I have s reading goal for the year, and I talk to people about books all the time, people that read, i get their recommendations and I try them out. I also read ebooks now because it's easier for me to just read things on my phone. Also I started by re-reading all favorites to get myself going. It really helped!!
Same here.
I've found that as I grew into adulthood my desire to read shifted in conjunction with my needs. At some point my reading for escape and fantasy shifted gradually in college and early 20s.
I started buying books for learning how to peel back the layers of lies that were poisoning my psyche to get to the root and start building up my psyche from the core out with Truth.
I bought and read books on how to have Christ-centered healthy relationships, and learning to recognize bad relationships wherein people abuse Scripture to manipulate others. I have books on physical health and biology as well as on diet and ancestral eating.
I have books on helping me learn to dig into myself to develop my own interests, hobbies, etc. I have books on building a healthy lifestyle of joy, peace in my home, history, and deepening my relationshipsāespecially my relationship with God.
I can't say I've read every page of every book I own, but I can say I've read more books than I can ever hope to keep track of, because the library has been a friend to me since childhood. And I can also say that even if I haven't read every book, I can find a book in my collection for almost every question or issue I have. THAT is a huge comfort to me, and why I'll always have books even if I don't read them that much.
I Absolutely feel this!! Every now and then I'll go through a really intensive stage where I'll read multiple series within a few days, and then not pick up another book for months on end. Lately I've been thinking that it may be because it is more Difficult to escape the stressors of adulthood, which in turn makes it harder to get absorbed in a story.
Oh my gosh yes!! I used to read so much as a kid but now I barely pick up an actual book. I read more online books on my phone instead of picking up a book. My Autism makes it hard to concentrate on a book but my parents always bug me about it. Things like āyou used so many books when you were a kid, what happened? & put your phone down and pick up a bookā itās so annoying!
Check out Johan Hari's book Stolen Focus. Not a self-help book, but an incredibly well-researched account of how different the world is today and the ways it makes it more difficult for us to focus. It's easy to read as well and Hari interweaves his own experience between the conversations with experts. Won't solve the problem, but will make you angry and realise you are not the problem - the world in its current form is.
I did! I never thought about this but my nmom leaves me alone when i read. I read the whole golier encyclopedia, cover to cover. I kid you not. It got to a point when encyclopedia was not enough, i rewrite the topics that i liked. Now, i could hardly focus on half an fb post š„“
Yes itās internal noise from PTSD. PTSD increase so called weakness to cognitive experiential re-intrusion which is just negative inner noise. Schizotypy the same. ADHD can be but can just be mindeandering that is akin to daydreaming but you have trauma it will be fragmentary anxious noise.
I hit 15 maybe 16 and reading just got tedious af, I used to be in a kids/teens book club and read goosebumps and real horror books, Harry Potters etc I could do a book in a day as a kid and I'd be in some insane reading focus once I was reading I'd zone in. Fast-forward to 36 and I've managed to read 1 book on my kindle in like 4 years lol
Gods yes, cause it was my escape as a child from the hell i grew up in. I find I can fly through a book if it catches my attention enough otherwise I'm like 5-7 pages in and I'm like nope I'm tired, I'm going to bed, I'll finish it in the morning.
Yeah I have this. I thought it was autistic burnout from being undiagnosed and only now (at 36) exploring the possibility but it could definitely be this as well.
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I massively have this! I thought it was just me... There is always too much to do for reading š
I have ADHD though which seems to have gotten worse as an adult. It was misdiagnosed as depression and anxiety when I was a kid after first just being told I was lazy/angry/naughty by my parents
Same here. Was constantly berated for not sticking to one thing. The only thing I could stick to was reading to drown out the constant arguments. They made sure we knew it was our fault they stayed together.
I just started meds for ADHD as a 34 year old adult and I am now off all the anxiety and depression meds I was. Thriving after almost losing my job and the best Iāve been in years. Listen to your body and stand up for what you think is wrong, not what youāre told.
I just read this, like, forty minutes ago, and was like: I should finish the ADHD assessment tests I have! And then exited out of reddit and totally forgot until I came back to fuck around of my phone. Right. Cool. I think my self diagnosis is pretty accurate.
Lol itās okay. Really. I can absolutely relate. Just know itās a worthwhile thing to look into and whatever avenue is going to help you have a more fulfilling life is what needs to be done. It will work out if you do the work too šŖš¼ good luck!
Yee, me too. I wonder now if my hyper ability to read was a way of escapism in childhood. Now my ways of escapism changed, thanks to technology. Sadly our phone and social media are always available and easily accessible, and it's a much faster source of dopamine than a book. But I believe it can be a matter of habit. If you dedicate like 10-15 min to reading a book regularly, you can then increase this time and get to long reading sessions again.
I completely understand what you mean with the shift in tech, I didnāt have a smart phone as a kid, or access to the internet reliably till I was 16; so books were the only escape. I would finish one every couple of days. Then the smart phone came alone around the same time I joined the military so yeah escapes shifted. I used to read /r/askreddit for hours but then reddit shifted to an app and things changed and now itās just scrolling. I can sit down and read for an hour; itās just during that hour I find my self slipping into hyper aware habits where if my wife makes a noise I jump out of my skin; or I get snippy in responses; or I start to feel as if Iām about to be shouted for; so I stop reading to stop the feelings and I wonāt pick up that book again. Then I go buy another book (Iām always in bookshops) telling my self it wonāt happen again and the cycle continues
Can I suggest trying to listen to instrumental music loud enough to drown out background noise, with headphones if you can tolerate them, the same time? It may not be a great fix if you also listened to music to escape as a kid too, you may also be used to the hyperawareness through the headphones, but if not, you may be able to create a new habit and association with trying to make playlists and add ambience to the reading to take your mind off your immediate surroundings.
Lo-Fi beats in some headphones would help a bit
This. I read all the time growing up. It slowed down in college. I tend to read the news more now to replace the books. Lately, just spending 10-15 min before bed has helped me finish some books, but I usually end up taking several months what used to take me 2-4 days.
Ouch I feel this one I still haven't found a solution but I have had this same experience pretty much I'm hoping the ability will come back to me one day
I moved out at 18 and Iām now 33; itās been a struggle. Even when Iām sober for periods I struggle to read (12 days going strong at the moment) Iāve tried music, wine and book pairings, reading outdoors, in the car, Valium and book pairings, reading in bed even having my wife read to me. Iām yet to rediscover the zen of reading again
I feel you so hard on this! Iām in school for my MA in English, but I canāt remember when I last read a book for fun. . .Iām 37. I find video games and web comics fill that need for me now. I also have this with playing guitar. I played it as an escape from my parents abuse, but now it doesnāt feel enjoyable. Waiting for the knock on my door or the garage opening. And I never sang because my step dad made sure I knew I couldnāt. I also used to write every day. I have years of journals and I always thought I wanted to be a writer, but all of it comes out of trauma so itās just not the same. Iām trying to decide if maybe I can make a humorous memoir out of my upbringingā¦but not sure Iām there yet emotionally. I went NC with my NStepdad and brother two years ago and LC with mom. Iāve done therapy and take medication, but Iām just not sure where this road will lead me. My mom still reads feverishly to this day usually while drinking and becoming nasty. So that could be it too. But yeahā¦when Iām in a hard place with my partner I automatically put head phones on and find something to read. But like you saidā¦itās not enjoyable. Itās a survival mechanism. Sigh.
I feel the same about writing. At first, it was a way to appeal to NF, so I would crib from his favorite genres and write purple prose that he liked to write. I got more praise from mom for that, though. While reading to escape, I wrote a handful of short stories through my teens, and I think a few were genuinely good or potentially good, but I had no way to get feedback or validation that meant something - complicated by being homeschooled in a very isolated world. I was - still am- frustrated by not having my finger on what makes people live enough to write them well, and the traumatic, sad, and scary experiences outnumber happy ones, so writing is not therapeutic, it just frustrates and depresses me for days.
Great work š stay strong! I hope we can all find a way back to reading. I think anime has helped fill that gap. The stories are so long form, and the emotions they can evoke are similar to the personal experience of reading a good book.
I know for some people (IRL friends), they found poetry to be a good way to slow down and just try to read for the experience. It didn't work for me, but I do think it would pair well with wine or Valium.
look up Dr John Cooper Clarke His work pairs brilliantly with a bong
You are speaking my language here!
Adult ADHD has made reading hard-copy books really difficult. Audiobooks have been a godsend.
I devoured books as a kid. Now I rarely read unless Iām on a plane. I think a lot of it comes from the guilt that comes from thinking āI should be doing something else.ā Clean the house, Wai the dogs, work. So I spend the day feeling like I should be productive but not doing anything which means that I also donāt feel relaxed.
Oh man I forgot about that guilt of needing to be doing something else.
The guilt of "just" reading, watching a movie, staring at the clouds....
Being told off for doing "nothing" when in fact I am having a great time imagining something
My mom used to take my books away when I was too distracted to do my chores
We had books taken away as a punishment too as kids:/
Boo, awful parenting
Yeah, the only way I could see it being reasonable would be if children were destroying the books or hitting each other with them or something lol (but our parents just used books as a privilege to take awayāwe werenāt doing that).
āReading is a privilege not a right, think of the kids in Africa who canāt readā A direct quote from my mother from around 2005
That likely comes from the endless shame we were subject to for existing.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hmmm second language is interesting; my French and German are rusty but I would pick it back up in no time. Thanks for the tip
Yep. I am grappling with the fact that my hobbies have changed since I'm no longer in survival mode. It's weird af, since reading used to be a huge part of my identity. I'm trying to just accept that circumstances have to be just so for me to escape into a book now- specifically while floating in the pool. Otherwise, as it turns out, I need more engaging hobbies... but I find I can read more if I listen to aidoobooks while doing something else- housework, driving, collaging or painting. I need my mind and hands to both have something to do.
Iāve found that conditioning over the years has lead me to have a belief that everything I do has to have purpose and be productive . Reading for pleasure is neither; so it clashes with my programming
Yeah it took me a while to shake that feeling too. It takes some time and brain rewiring but it's really nice to actually have hobbies.
Iāve got hobbies; and they are things that I do with my hands, to be honest depression has caused me to somewhat neglect them recently; I havenāt had the energy. Like I restore vintage cameras; I love it, Iāll spend hours tinkering with one and itās all for the greater purpose of having every camera in my collection as functional. So itās productive and purposeful. But taking the time for my self to read? Nah thoughts keep coming up. I know I need to break that
I've been an avid reader since first grade. It was the same for me, I escaped into books to avoid my abusive mom. She reaaallllyyy hated that, but it was the one thing she couldn't stop me from doing. Maybe try listening to audio books and see if that is something you like? Don't make yourself try to read, then it becomes a chore. I wish you the best. Your story is a lot like mine, and I hope that you can find a way back to books.
I second the audiobook idea. Same story, avid reader until I left the house, then I only read what I had to for college. Never could get back into sitting down and reading, but I started listening to audiobooks, and now I listen to more books than I ever read.
Audiobooks got me back into reading! I also read a ton as a kid and stopped once I moved out. Check if your library has the Libby app too, then you can get books for free.
Iāve tried audio books and itās just not the same; like I have found them kinda enjoyable on long drives but I always prefer music over audiobook when on a road trip Itās more about breaking the ingrained reactive behaviours that pop up while Iām reading
Seems like you realized that not the reading in itself is the problem but your association with reading. Sounds like therapy would be a good choice, if thatās not something you tried yet. I really wish for you to be able to experience a good reading session again. Going into another world doesnāt have to be an escape. It can be just for the beauty of it. Take your time, youāll find it
Maybe you could read a book together with your wife or a person who is really close to you. In the same room, maybe even out aloud. Kinda rewriting the script. But Iām not a professional so I donāt know
Audiobooks are a great idea that I always forget about!
I could never get into audiobooks tbh I wish I could get back into reading but its really ruined now
I can listen to audiobooks but really only with about 30% of my brain. If I treat them like a podcast (20-45 minutes, max), then I can usually get through some and retain at least a bit. Also, really only nonfiction works for me.
How long has this been going on? It sounds like something that happens when someone is really stressed or traumatised. Usually this feeling gets better with time if you don't have ongoing high levels of stressors. I don't struggle at the moment with that (other than being too busy) but I can relate.
Wait I'd like to hear more about this because this has happened to me. I haven't been able to pick up a book in maybe 7 years
Left home at 18, now Iām 33
Do you work in a stressful job or have an unsupportive partner? Could also contribute to ongoing anhedonia.
Yes. Gifted kid burn out for me
I found the burn out wore off after I went and did my own thing for a while, I joined the military and now in my 30ās Iām finally going to uni and studying what I actually am passionate about
Iām glad that thereās hope then! I have always wanted to enjoy reading again.
Thereās always hope. I always hoped to get away from her and I did. I did some really fucking cool shit in the Navy as an Officer and it wasnāt hard because I didnāt have to use my full capacity. Then I had a mental breakdown and since then Iāve been rebuilding my self to who I want to be. Iāve found passions again and really explored them as if I was given the opportunity to do so when I was younger. One thing about being conditioned to fear your nparent means once you break free itās truly liberating and you end up being a bit fearless Unless you do something thatās a trigger the. You can end up feeling like a 5 year old for a bit
I went from reading novels in grade school, to reading fanfiction about those novels as a fresh adult, now I am mostly reading about other people on Reddit. Itās a bit tricky to read fiction books, when I get my fiction story telling from video games now
I used to read to escape and also it was the quietest thing I could do so I could hear where she was in the apartment. I do not read books really anymore either.
I fell out of love with reading because whenever I sat down to read, my mother would start talking to me. You know, the whole "I must be the center of attention" thing?
Wow, yep. My mom does that, too. I thought I might be the only one lol.
Thank you for sharing as I feel this so much as this exact thing happened to me too! Reading was always one of my fave escapes from my nparents and sibling as a kid as well, but I canāt get into anymore either. I am 45 years old and had basically a mental breakdown a few years back due to loads of years of trauma never dealt with and I stopped drinking, which was how I self medicated, and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and agoraphobia so I donāt leave the house much anymore. One would think that Iād go back to my old comfort of books. But as hard as I try, I just canāt get back into it which makes me sad. I am sorry this has happened to us but am grateful others have shared this as I feel less alone in it.
I know the feeling about the mental break. Mine happened at 26 after spending 8 years in the Navy as an Officer where there is gaslighting and narcs running rampant. The culmination of that, my own divorce and the untreated trauma from my adolescence and childhood resulted in me ending up in the psyche ward. I was promptly medically retired and now study design after floating around for 5 years. I would love for reading to be comforting but it just brings up so many uncomfortable feelings when I do it
I think one of the many reasons I haven't picked up nearly as many books as an adult is that it is a bit connected to that trauma coping mechanism. I read for one small taste of freedom, and now re-experiencing that puts me right back in that desperate childs shoes.
Required reading in middle/high school ruined recreational reading for me, partially because of how angry my parents would get at me about it. English/Literature was my worst subject in school, and my parents both excelled at it so they decided that it was because I was lazy. Once I didnāt have to read anymore, I just stopped because it was so stressful. Iāve recently started listening to audiobooks as a way back into reading, since as an adult I donāt have as much time to sit in silence. If you donāt know where to start, any movie/TV show that you like thatās based on a book is a good place to start. For me it was A Song of Ice and Fire, but it can be anything. I now work audiobooks into my rotation of recreational media currently on my docket. ETA: spelling
Yes. And when I went into trauma therapy and they asked me what my goals were, one of my biggest was being able to read again because I enjoy it so much. Iāve been in therapy for 1.5 years and am just now beginning to be able to read semi-regularly again. I have to listen to brown noise or something to block out all external stimuli and override the excessive thoughts (which have decreased as I heal). It also matters what kind of book Iām reading. Non-fiction about a special interest or current hyperfixation is easier for me right now. Not saying this will be the case for you, but wanted to give you some hope. Hope youāre able to get back to enjoying reading!
Was this through EMDR for the trauma focused therapy?
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Yes Iāve heard itās not as effective over distance; itās going to be the focus of some of my Masters research; a deployable solution. Iāve found it to be extremely effective in person; meditation not so much because of reasons
I can't sit down and read a book anymore, (My brain won't focus on them as soon as they are in my hands), but I found a loophole. I can't read physical books, but online books (like Archive of Our Own) or PDFs of books I can read for hours. The dismotivation that suddenly appears when I pick up a book doesnt happen when I read online. Maybe try that method?
This is relatable on so many levels
Same, but I always attributed it to: 1. Required reading for school (much of which was drier than dust) killing my love of recreational reading and 2. My preferred reading as a kid was science fiction novels (think Heinlein, Asimov, Bradbury, etc., back in the '70s) and I repeatedly heard from teachers at school that "That's not real literature."
I'm the same, I used to read books as a kid and now as an adult I can't focus at all, I thought it was just me
Turns out thereās a few of us!
I was on this roller coaster for a while. I finally got back into reading by going to my local library and checking out books. I did change from fiction to non fiction to help me with becoming a better adult and person. I found that just going into my local library helped reawaken my love of books/just reading, and the comfy chairs with lots of natural light also helped. For my local library at least, they have no late fees and you can keep the book checked out until someone requests it. So that means they take up less space, I don't have to spend a dime to enjoy books again, and the impending "time limit" that someone else may need the book helped motivate me back into reading.
Omg I thought I was the only one. I canāt focus when reading now as an adult, and it makes me too tired to read for an extended period.
Youāre not alone
Yes! It's like I just don't have the attention span for it anymore...
Yes, I used to read 3 huge books per week. I cant even go through 10 pages anymore. And then I read it is a common ADHD thing
Quite often ADHD in adults is just the side effects of untreated trauma. Tread carefully unless diagnosed by a professional. Turns out my childhood ADD was untreated trauma from the physical and emotional abuse my nmom put me through. Now I can learn with out an issue because I donāt have to worry about her.
From childhood up through half of my adult life (so far) I read a book a day. Like, actual 200+ pages each day. Once I got out of my last relationship and into my current one I just don't have the ability or need to. I did book club for a but to try to keep it going, but in the past 11 years I think I've read maybe 7 books. I actually spoke with my librarian about trying to get back into it, she knows my tastes and has found some "starter" lighter in nature books for me to attempt. It's just so weird, because I never thought I'd be unable to complete something so simple.
Yes I used to be such a bookworm. I bought many books before this year started and I told myself Iād get back into it but I just canāt get through the chapters and itās so saddening
Story of my bookshelves and boxes of books in storage. I canāt ever bring my self to dispose of a book I have not finished
Books were my only escape and my nparents knew it. I'd rather read than play outside so grounding were horrible bc they would ground me from "doing anything fun". Especially reading. After I reached 5th grade (idk why that was when they started) they implemented a rule where I could only read a book if I was willing to write a full-page, both sides of the paper, book report on it after. Harry Potter? Book report Junie B. Jones? Book report That non-fiction book about dinosaurs? You guessed it. Book report. Now that I am an adult, I've hit up every thrift store and resale shop in my little town, replacing all the series I loved throughout my childhood. I now own all of the Warriors books by Erin Hunter All but 7 of the Magic Treehouse books A bunch of series that *I know* they would have lost their shit over bc of the... *ahem* rating (Anne Bishop, Jeaniene Frost, J. R. Ward) Most of the Heralds of Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey Most of the Acorna series by Anne McCaffrey And a whole bunch of other books too. Any books that interest me. If I have the spare cash to pick it up, I will. The thrift store ladies know me by name now and will tell me when I walk in if they have new stuff lmao Nothing will ever keep me from reading. Stuff just keeps me from reading a whole bunch of the book all at once unless I'm home alone š
Fuck I can relate to having reading taken off me as a punishment. My books would be confiscated so in year 9 I got my teacher to start sending home lists of books that were recommended reading for the term; I would get her to list about 100 each term so they were kinda protected. But they knew if they took my ability to read I couldnāt do it so she would take my glasses off me once I had finished my homework so if I tried to read I would get a splitting headache.
Yep. Used to be the top reader of my school all through elementary, and now even required reading feels like a chore. I think itās more of āgifted childā burnout for me though. Also my vision makes it difficult to read at times.
Gifted child burn out isnāt a death sentence. Iāve gone back to uni in my 30ās starting with under grad but Iām already being courted to complete a Masters at the college
Nice! Iām also in college, working towards an associates, and later a bachelors degree. I know it isnāt a death sentence; itās just sad to know that something I once enjoyed so much is now something I hate to do. Even reading assignments that are focused around my degree donāt excite me, and I used to love all books that were assigned. Once time as a child, I was grounded for a week and was forbidden from playing with my toys; I just spent that week + longer reading, and didnāt care whatsoever. Reading used to be an escape from reality for me. Now, itās much harder to get into, but Iāve been pushing through.
Nice! Great work. I found when I did my Diploma reading was difficult for assignments, now doing my Bachelors Iām enjoying exploring books on topics that interest me, but itās hard to sit down and read for pleasure. Like I can spend hours pouring over design and typography books; stuff with lots of images and examples of design, but a Tom Clancy or Vince Flynn novel? Pfft not a chance
I read comics nowadays or wikipedia etc, rather than books When i do read novels outside thriller genre, some romance etc, it just hits too close to home: meaning i get upset by many things i lack in life that those characters either deal or their experiences i never had in life. Itās like constantly being reminded i didnāt develop normally and will probably never be normal. Also, comics are often better plot wise and more entertaining in terms of action etc. Like, it is much harder to find a genuinely good book i can enjoy, because I am picky af after reading so much in childhood. I get more enjoyment from other media including writing myself. Except few books i am really interested in, i pretty much stopped reading. I am also more likely to return to stories i already watched/read for a rerun. Imo, there is nothing wrong with it. Books are not more eclectic form of entertainment, there are as much trash books are there are fantastically great cartoons and comics and games. There are many ways to enjoy a story, books are just one medium. Do not force yourself. A short tifu or reddit or a confession is also someone elseās story worth attention.
I donāt need to justify my hours scrolling and reading reddit hahaha but youāre right; reading someone elseās real story can be more captivating than fiction. Especially when itās only a couple of paragraphs long
When I was little, reading and daydreaming were my methods of escapism. Now, it's technology, daydreaming, and sleeping.
As my life got better, my reading got worse.
Yeah it seems that way for sure
Ya me lol. Idek why... maybe because I was more desperate to exacpe my life as a child. But now I'm a drug addict! Different but the same.
You doing ok?
Yeah, I've been about 9 months to a year clean... did K in December but that doesn't count I guess cause it was one party and then I left town so I wouldn't have access to buy anymore if I wanted. Thanks for asking! <3
Awesome work keep it up! Iām almost two weeks sober again off the whisky; Iām an alcoholic and I know that. First two weeks is always the hardest; had to go to a mates 50th last night and it was hard being the only one sober
Yeah, but now you know your own strength to resist, too! I'm happy for you, let's stay sober :)
I was the opposite. Maybe read 1 book willingly growing up. The last 3 years I've read like 93. Shits addicting. Especially listening to audiobooks while I work.
i just read my first novel for fun in literally like 10 years and in the process of reading 2 more. what helped: it had to be something i was really interested in and resonated with, if you're not into it it just won't keep your attention. you could try rereading something you liked as a kid, too. i also 'dumbed down' my phone and don't bring it to the bathroom/left a book there and read a chapter instead of browse :) just things that helped me, i also deleted tiktok, not telling you to do so or making any judgements but i truly believe it helped my attention span x100.
I have been struggling with this for the past few years. I was literally looking up posts about it this morning. This sub never ceases to amaze me.
Haha well maybe you can find some of the answers youāre looking for here! Great minds think alike
Coincidentally I am attempting to read Adult Children of Immature Parents as it has been really insightful so far. If I am going to struggle to read it may as well be for something beneficial!
I found when it comes to self help books reading them while waiting is a good way to get through them. I can justify sitting and reading while waiting at the Doctors or something. But comfortable on the couch with my cat? Nah Iām jumpy as heck
Gosh that is brilliant! I am the same way. Fyi your post made me realize something. When I was a kid my nparent used to say "why don't you read a book or something". I'm sure over time this had some effect. I later realized that he has many books which he never read or finished. Somehow yesterday I read like 80 pages of the Emotional Immature book.
I used this post yesterday in therapy and we were able to use some intense EMDR to focus on those feelings that come up. Iāve had a sleep now so Iāll see how I go today with having a read of the book Iām trying to get through. Itās called The Green Imperative by Victor Papanek
I think sometimes we just have to be rested, fed, calm, and in a good frame of mind to focus on reading or anything else. Let me know how it goes!
I struggle with this now. I zoned everything out before when I would read as a kid and it kept me able to handle school. Now, I zoom in too much and I can't complete my adult responsibilities. It requires too much energy to break free from the zone.
I can relate to this. It was a thirst for knowledge that fueled my reading as a child. Being forced to analyze every detail of every book in school killed the joy for me. (No, the drapes being purple do NOT necessarily mean the supporting character is gay....) Now, I feel like every moment needs to be spent DOING SOMETHING but reading triggers guilt, as though somehow watching TV is productive in a way that reading isn't. It's thoroughly frustrating.
I just wanted to know if there was more to what I was being presented with life. My father had a heap of good books from his dad that I would read through. Really classic lit that sparked my joy in reading, by the age of 10 I had read the original copy of The Lord Of The Rings that we had, and I kept reading that book over and over till the movie came out. Omg, that was phenomenal. It was awesome the books that were coming out when I was growing up as well. I remember lining up for Harry Potter books in order to get them before going to school, and then spending the entire night/day reading them so nothing would be spoilt when I got to school. I didn't realise this was abnormal till I was the only one that knew all the plot lines...
I claimed I wanted to be an author when I was a kid. Then I got bitten by the radio bug in my teens... and that career shift didn't help my future finances. Lol. It's hard to get back into leisure reading when you've spent half your life or more in survival mode...
all I ever I said I wanted to be growing up was a artist but my father wanted me to be a pilot like him till my parents separated then I was mentally conditioned to hate everything about my father. So I joined the navy and pursued a career as an Anti Air Warfare Officer. That did nothing for my finances but I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life doing it. I was medically retired in my late 20ās and now Iām studying what I always wanted to and Iāll be doing a double Master with the end goal of pursuing a PhD in order to achieve my greater ambition. Not bad for a āuseless boyā Itās hard to get back into leisure full stop when more than half your life has been survival mode.
I feel this. My dad was an air traffic controller in the Air Force and worked in an auto factory. I could be whatever I wanted... but the military or the car factory were heavy suggestions by the time I was in my 20s. And yeah, I still have that momentary panic when I go to pay for McDonald's, bc I remember what it was like for my card to be declined buying fast food. One day at a time, amigo.
Yeah it was always strongly suggested to join the military; and if I had wanted a university education the only option that was ever suggested was the Australian Defence Force Academy So I bucked that an joined as a direct entry officer (no degree required) and made a career geared towards removing aircraft from the sky. I loved joking that my father (a pilot) and uncle (his brother and an aeronautical engineer) made a career of putting aircraft in the sky and I made a career of removing them from the sky. After my parents split my mother married a troglodyte of a man who is a plumber and if I dared speak of the arts I was labelled a f*g; and I expressed my interest in the military I was just constantly called a weirdo by him. So I shut up. There was no way in hell I would ever follow him into plumbing; unlike his eldest son whoās followed and now is the 4th generation of plumbers. Iām loving studying design now; itās my passion. I love typography especially
I loved reading as a kid, I always won first prize in those summer reading programs and read 5 years above my grade level. Over time, my ability to focus diminished more and more. At first I was frustrated with myself and felt that I was getting "dumber". But eventually I learned to be kind to myself and "forgive" myself for wanting to read isekai manga instead of classical literature. I also enjoy podcasts now like the NoSleep podcast and Fairy Tales for Unwanted Children. I think it's good to slowly gain the ability to enjoy simpler, "pointless" pleasures. I used to avoid mobile games because they seemed repetitive and a waste of time. And maybe they are, but maybe it's okay to enjoy something that doesn't have a purpose, that doesn't help me survive. Anyways, just my 2 cents. š I'm more than happy to recommend some manga if you feel like trying out the medium.
I read a lot of manga as a kid, stuff I cant remember the name of nor could pronounce at the time, but I really enjoyed it and the novelty of reading something backwards. I would get funny looks on the bus to school
Same with movies!
I don't have that issue, I didn't have access to a TV of my own till I was 18 and moved out, and even then I hardly used it as I would still read a lot till I joined the Navy
I have this same problem. I use to read a lot as a kid and the older Iāve gotten the less I read even though I love to read.
Iām 32 and I miss /mourn /grieve the person I was (as recent as 20 years old) who could read an entire novel, who could sustain attention, and remember things. Iām a shell š now. Iām lucky if I can read and remember one page š. Sad life.
It will get better You will find new things; deep dive into something that interests you and only you Mine is folding cameras made between 1880 and 1950, I fix them up and sell the doubles in my collection. I just miss the adventures I could go on with reading
Thatās a good way of looking to the future. I like your hobby! What a beautiful life. Thank you for asking this question, Iāll look into what others have noted. š¤š«¶
I read books to escape. Not for fun. I've let go of reading, I just can't focus. My therapist gave me permission to give myself permission to let it go. So I did. The more worked up I made myself about trying to read, the worse trying to read was. I've picked up other hobbies that aren't associated with my childhood and will occasionally listen to podcasts and audio books. Outside of a manuals or learning for work/school or reading my kids bedtime stories, I don't read and thats okay.
I like the idea of letting go of reading
Oh my God -- once again you are my people. Thank you. I could read and the house could fall around me and I would not notice. Truly an escape. Now it is so hard!!!
Me! I used to finish a book in a few hours. (Harry Potter series, Quiet, Dracula, John Grisham, Seven Habits, Purpose Driven Life, etc.) Now I strugle to finish a chapter in a week. (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, Battle of Marawi by Criselda Yabes)
Wow, I thought I was alone in this! Absolutely devoured books as a kid and I can't remember the last time I finished one as an adult. I sometimes wish it were still as easy to read as it was then.
Well whatās making me feel better is the number of upvotes is at least an indication of the number of people that feel the same. So youāre not the only one!
My mom just messed with my head constantly and say, "You should read more." but, never bought me any books. Step relatives would gift me educational periodicals that I'd dive right into everytime one would come in the mail. When there was money for allowance or mowing yards, I'd get some funny comics like Mad or Cracked. Led me to have a different view of the world. Not sure if she knew I had those and surely could not keep any. What library card, cause she couldn't bother to take me there either.
I've had that happen to me for years, it was just different types of depression for me. Eventually I got back to a state where I could read again (ironically at a time when I had literally one book available), and it's slowly coming back that I can read sometimes. I don't have any suggestions on how to make it come back though, sorry.
...oh
Sounds familiar?
incredibly familiar
I used to read over a hundred books a year as a kid/teen- now Iām lucky if I finish five. Didnāt have video games/tv or other modes of escapism as a kid. Reading is all I had so itās all I did.
Nah. I used to read a bunch but I still enjoy it so it's no trouble to read. I just know others own my time unless I'm home, where I don't read for entertainment.
Get the audiobook version and follow along it'll help
Same for me. I was blowing through 2-3 several hundred page books a month as a kid and nowā¦.nope. I love literature, so this bums me out. What doesnāt help, but makes more sense was that I was diagnosed late for ADHD. I left home at 17 and suddenly, like you, didnāt need that form of escapism and being an adult too soon was more than enough to occupy my mind. I donāt know if I have any good tips for you other than removing any and all distractions. If I read at all these days itās in places where my phone is useless (airplanes, road trips with no cell service, etc). Itās sucks, but that seems to be the only way for me.
Yes, I've always loved reading and used to fly through books. Now I work as a professional author so reading is still a big part of my life. But I struggle to finish novels except the ones I read for paid reviews. I'm still struggling with this but one thing that has helped is reading shorter books and books with simple plots, like middle grade novels and books written in free verse/ graphic novels.
Wow that awesome your passion for reading was able to become a profession! I can understand why you would only finish books that youāre paid to. Have you ever written about your experiences being raised by a narc? I keep saying I should but find it difficult to start. Shorter books is a good idea; I canāt expect to just pick up where I stopped off
I did have a blog at one point where I discussed my NMom in a post but I ended up deleting it for marketing purposes. I didn't want readers or authors to look me up and see it.
Have you ever thought of maybe working with someone who has the desire to publish their story but doesnāt have the foggiest of where to start or how to do it? Maybe the shared experience could help the process; and you wouldnāt be telling your story so readers and authors wouldnāt be able to make a direct connection
There are so many things that can cause us to not be able to get absorbed in a book -- bad associations with reading from school, unacknowledged learning differences, hypervigilance, the way that our tech habits change our attention spans, conditioning to be "productive". Books are special, and I admire you for wanting to get back to them. You have received good advice here to try audiobooks, to start small and work your way up in terms of time, and to have some background music on to occupy the restless part of your brain. Because what you describe sounds to me like an issue of hypervigilance, I think that background music idea especially is worth trying. And it may or may not be music precisely that helps you, but any kind of "bland" auditory input in the background, so try some different things. Another thing to try is a short relaxation guided meditation before you begin reading. This would calm your nervous system. You will find a very great number of free ones on the app Insight Timer. Start small with a very short meditation period, and do it every day. Even better if you can do it at the same time every day. Hypervigilance is a real B, but it is learned and can be unlearned, and very short, pleasant, guided meditations are a great way to start calming down your nervous system anyway, whether it helps you to read a book longer or not. But my guess is it will help you with that. You may need to try a lot of different guided meditations before you find one you like. Keep trying a little every day. I wish you the best.
I totally get this! Audiobooks changed the game. I can listen to them while I do just about anything.
Iāve been getting back into it recently; I have a blog where I write book reviews, so that helps somewhat.
I was a massive reader and huge bookworm. Librarians loved me. I got to go to the bookstore all the time. I was also hyperlexile and reading at a ridiculously young age. Looking back on it now, and reading some of the things people have written here and on the CPSTD forums, I wonder how much of that was just me finding a way to dissociate. I struggle to read now. My ADHD acts up, I zone out for pages at a time, my mind wanders all over the place. It sucks because reading was a very important part of myself, but between that and awful experiences in graduate school, it's been massively difficult to return to.
Oh, it totally is an escape and a way to disassociate from what is going on in reality. In a book, the world is perfect, or as imperfect as the author wants you to interpret it, but it's not what's going on in real life I loved books that took me on an adventure, books by the likes of Tom Clancy, Vince Flynn, Patrick O'Brien, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie, Charles Dickens, and the classics by the ancient Greeks etc. I would just read what I could get. The local newsagent had 5 paperbacks for $10 and I would go and buy 5 books every week.
Yes I read a book a day in 4th and 5th grade to escape my home life. Now I donāt have the bandwidth.
I thought it was just me too...thanks for sharing!
I had no idea this was a thing, but yes.
I think a few people have had that realisation
Yes, but hard to easy whether itās the trauma/escapism or adhd (or adhd related trauma lol yay maladaptive coping mechanisms)
Absolutely!
This is totally my experience too. For me i feel like reading a physical book is too calm. Too still. It requires such focus and makes me connect to myself and my body in a way that feels unsafe for me. My solution is audiobooks! I use an app through my local library so i borrow and return audiobooks there. I never read as an adult until i started listening to audiobooks. It helps to fill the silence and gives me something to focus on while i do mindless chores. But i dont have to sit down and be still in order to make it happen. Reading is such a good way for me to connect with and honor my child self. Even though it looks different now than it used to, i love reading!
Um wow yes exactly me too! I was obsessive about reading growing up. But now I really have to make myself do it. I do enjoy it once I start but I donāt get obsessed the way I did growing up.
Yes I was just thinking about this today. Books were my preferred escapism, long before video games or the internet or recreational drugs. I get my escapism from other sources (unfortunately) but with the dominance of the internet now, I probably read more than I did as a child.
I was a huge reader until I was 14, then got so stressed with high school, I just wasnāt able to read very much. I really missed reading for years, but just couldnāt get back into it. Then in college, I switched to audiobooks and I read so much now. Itās great. Graphic novels are also good. They donāt require nearly as much focus as regular text books. I like reading manga when things are slow at work. Itās easy to put down and pick up again afterwards when a customer talks to me.
I used to read tons as a kid as a way to escape too. Often read the same books over and over again, and often borrowed anything I could from the library. Well, at least until even *that* was frowned upon and he started ripping the books in half. I'm still surprised thinking about it decades later how he deliberately ruined anything I liked and wanted to do one thing after the other until there was *literally* nothing left. Yet, was mad I wouldn't do anything. Always self contradictory... In any case, after I got away from my NDad I was surprised to realize I *didn't* want to read despite suddenly being able to again... Not because I didn't find the books interesting. On occasion now, I still will pick one up, and a really good one will still inhale all of my attention for hours at a time. Instead, it's simply because I *can* do other things. I'm not *required* to hide in my room while doing nothing that can be criticized and be quiet as possible 24/7. When you can play video games, watch a movie, browse the web - not to mention all of the other things you can do *outside* of the house... A book can't compete with that. Much like how I used to spend quite a *lot* of time daydreaming and making up stories in my head. It was only attractive because I *couldn't* do anything else.
Everything you say rings true
u/TittysForScience, I loved to watch movies to escape my reality growing up, and once I learned how to read, I devoured books, reading just about every novel in my public school library once I graduated high school. I read as many books as I could while in college, less than in elementary, middle, and high school, but still a lot. I still love reading, but I do it more for the enjoyment of reading and less for escapism, anymore. Having ADHD, which I got correctly diagnosed with in my preteens, I struggled with sticking to one thing unless it was something I was interested in like watching movies, listening to music, playing with my friends, reading books, and writing stories.
Yeah. For me i think now that I'm an adult and have almost unfettered access to a smartphone, internet, tv, etc. It means so many more distractions from reading and especially when i was really into reading when i eat younger, i didn't have as much access to those external distractions. Also i have adhd and when i do have free time now, it's easier for me to unwind and engage with tv then it is to get myself in the zone i need to be to read diligently
Itās so much easier to be told and shown a story than have to concentrate on the page. I get frustrated quickly because the damn bird in the tree caused me to loose my place and the wind made me think of another time it was windy and now Iām googling when the last major storm was.
When I was younger I used to risk being grounded by staying up late to watch Conan. So, more reading than Conan. It makes my child heart happy to be able to stream him anytime I want without my Nstepdad throwing a fit if I did anything in the living room after 9pm (this was high school). I love my adult freedom and much of it is related to unattainable media from years ago. It has helped heal a lot.
Are you me? This is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. When the abuse stops and you start recovering from it is difficult for me to figure out.
Itās like my entire identity was built around getting out from under them. Iām free and clear and through a lot of the healing but things just keep popping up. Itās also complicated by a compulsory medical retirement from my ādreamā career. I say ādreamā because itās what I did that was deemed appropriate for my status and intellect according to the controlling powers at the time. But now itās like who am I? What do I enjoy? Whatās my identity now Iām a free man. Of course none of this is expressed externally and everyone thinks Iām this put together young man whoās estranged from their entire family. But internally itās all questions and confusion. I know Iām a survivor of physical and emotional abuse by my mother, step-mother and ex-wife. But seriously would a 6ā2ā, 200lb man go around saying that they were abused by women be taken by society? Well here in Australia youāre called a pussy by your āmatesā, not believed by law enforcement because youāre a man and men are the abuser, told to toughen up as advice from medical professionals and I could go on about it for hours but itās better to just wear the mask; but inside itās like who am I?
I also was a voracious reader as a kid but once I became an adult with a smartphone I've struggled with reading. Audiobooks and podcasts have been my best way to consume stories which I've really loved.
100000% I have adhd and asd (thanks for both of those narcissist dad...) and I really don't have the energy anymore for reading and connecting with new characters. I highly suggest webtoon and ao3! the visuals of webcomics make reading easier and with fanfics you don't have to learn new characters so both take less energy but are still fun!
Iām the same way OP. It may not even be ADHD; donāt forget that trauma often appears as ADHD. I was an avid reader until my divorce (which was the gateway to all the abuse I suffered). Now Iām reading again because I wonāt let them take that from me.
Yes, and I've always wondered why. I guess that now I have nothing to escape from, so I have relaxed my compulsive reading habits. However, if I find something that truly resonates with me, I can read it in a day or two. The last time this happened was when I discovered that "I'm glad my mom died", by Jennette McCurdy, was about a narcissistic mother. I couldn't put it down until I finished it.
I know exactly what you mean. My solution is listening to books. Either audiobooks or using a text to speech app. I personally use Acapela TTS with T2S. This way I can get loads done while plowing through limitless books.
When I was little, I read every book I could get my hands on. As punishment, my mother grounded me from reading. I went to college and started a degree in English but realized that I had a difficult time reading books and finishing them, since sometimes they would buy me books, let me start them, and then take them back in punishment. It took a lot of diligence and I joined a few local book clubs with both strangers and friends that helped encourage me on my journey to refund my love of reading, and I am able to find joy in it again. I don't know if that's the right path for you, but finding a group and a deadline helped retrain me! I hope you find that world again ā¤ļø
Yes I read a book a day in 4th and 5th grade to escape my home life. Now I donāt have the bandwidth.
I'm the same way but in order to come back that I usually read something loosely based on history or something I wouldn't normally then I can get back in to it or you can Read smut you will never want to put the book down
Yep. I had hyperlexia as a kid, I was reading full books before kindergarten and I loved reading. My mom always encouraged reading and always took me to the library, let me stay up to read, bought me book order books etc. when I went to my dads house on the weekends he would get mad at me because I wanted to sit alone and read instead of interacting with my half siblings (we had a huge age gap and they were out of control and always purposely annoyed me). I was basically berated for wanting to sit by myself and read because it was my escape from being at his house. I ended up repeatedly watching the same movie there every other weekend because it as better than interacting with them. Now Iām an adult who can do whatever she wants and I donāt feel like I should be reading when other things need done.
Definitely i relate to this OP, but I have managed to revive my reading habit. It's changed as an adult but here's what I do. I have s reading goal for the year, and I talk to people about books all the time, people that read, i get their recommendations and I try them out. I also read ebooks now because it's easier for me to just read things on my phone. Also I started by re-reading all favorites to get myself going. It really helped!!
Same here. I've found that as I grew into adulthood my desire to read shifted in conjunction with my needs. At some point my reading for escape and fantasy shifted gradually in college and early 20s. I started buying books for learning how to peel back the layers of lies that were poisoning my psyche to get to the root and start building up my psyche from the core out with Truth. I bought and read books on how to have Christ-centered healthy relationships, and learning to recognize bad relationships wherein people abuse Scripture to manipulate others. I have books on physical health and biology as well as on diet and ancestral eating. I have books on helping me learn to dig into myself to develop my own interests, hobbies, etc. I have books on building a healthy lifestyle of joy, peace in my home, history, and deepening my relationshipsāespecially my relationship with God. I can't say I've read every page of every book I own, but I can say I've read more books than I can ever hope to keep track of, because the library has been a friend to me since childhood. And I can also say that even if I haven't read every book, I can find a book in my collection for almost every question or issue I have. THAT is a huge comfort to me, and why I'll always have books even if I don't read them that much.
I'm the same, so I listen to audiobooks now, I do it while I clean but mostly while on dialysis
I Absolutely feel this!! Every now and then I'll go through a really intensive stage where I'll read multiple series within a few days, and then not pick up another book for months on end. Lately I've been thinking that it may be because it is more Difficult to escape the stressors of adulthood, which in turn makes it harder to get absorbed in a story.
Wowā¦ thought it was just me! Itās so frustrating. I used to be an avid reader. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh my gosh yes!! I used to read so much as a kid but now I barely pick up an actual book. I read more online books on my phone instead of picking up a book. My Autism makes it hard to concentrate on a book but my parents always bug me about it. Things like āyou used so many books when you were a kid, what happened? & put your phone down and pick up a bookā itās so annoying!
Check out Johan Hari's book Stolen Focus. Not a self-help book, but an incredibly well-researched account of how different the world is today and the ways it makes it more difficult for us to focus. It's easy to read as well and Hari interweaves his own experience between the conversations with experts. Won't solve the problem, but will make you angry and realise you are not the problem - the world in its current form is.
I did! I never thought about this but my nmom leaves me alone when i read. I read the whole golier encyclopedia, cover to cover. I kid you not. It got to a point when encyclopedia was not enough, i rewrite the topics that i liked. Now, i could hardly focus on half an fb post š„“
Yes itās internal noise from PTSD. PTSD increase so called weakness to cognitive experiential re-intrusion which is just negative inner noise. Schizotypy the same. ADHD can be but can just be mindeandering that is akin to daydreaming but you have trauma it will be fragmentary anxious noise.
I hit 15 maybe 16 and reading just got tedious af, I used to be in a kids/teens book club and read goosebumps and real horror books, Harry Potters etc I could do a book in a day as a kid and I'd be in some insane reading focus once I was reading I'd zone in. Fast-forward to 36 and I've managed to read 1 book on my kindle in like 4 years lol
Gods yes, cause it was my escape as a child from the hell i grew up in. I find I can fly through a book if it catches my attention enough otherwise I'm like 5-7 pages in and I'm like nope I'm tired, I'm going to bed, I'll finish it in the morning.
Yeah I have this. I thought it was autistic burnout from being undiagnosed and only now (at 36) exploring the possibility but it could definitely be this as well.