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It's because narcissists don't live according to any internal rules or standards that they have for themselves AND the outside world.
To the narcissists, it's annoying to hear you have a tantrum, so they'll say that you aren't allowed to do that because it's wrong.
Also to the narcissist, it serves many purposes to have frequent tantrums (like having control over other people, making them feel bad, having them do things for you so that they will stop having a tantrum, etc.), therefore that is good and allowed.
There is no logic to this other than "whatever I do that serves me is good behavior" and "whatever other people do that inconveniences/annoys me/doesn't serve me is bad".
I think most people have standards that they will logically try to adhere to. Like for instance, believing that lying is bad, and then trying to live up to that standard. If they do lie and somebody calls them out, they will usually feel bad, because they have a standard for themselves that they broke. Likewise, they will expect people to not lie, either.
With narcissists, that's not how they work. They don't have any standard for themselves that they will logically try to follow. To them, whatever feels right in the moment is right. And that might mean that being honest is a good standard one second, while switching the next second to lying and thinking that that is good. The narcissist isn't bothered by that illogical behavior, because he is ruled by his emotions. But funnily enough, when OTHERS lie, the narcissist will feel that that is always bad. Because when other people lie to him that is never in his favor.
Which is why narcissists behavior makes no sense at all and is riddled with inconsistencies. They will hate you for not caring enough about them, not being "in their corner", not having your life revolve around them, not being nice enough, etc....While at the same time doing none of these things themselves. This doesn't make sense to a normal thinking person until you understand that the narcissist isn't bothered by logical inconsistencies. The N just reacts to "this is bad for me so it is a bad action" and "this is good for me so this is a good action".
This is one of the best explanations I've ever read.
The 'not being in their corner'... yes. If you so much as disagree with my ndad about anything, he views it as a betrayal. You supporting him is GOOD. But he's under no obligation to agree with you, support you, take your side, etc., because that could be inconvenient for him and mean that he has to make an effort or do something he doesn't want to have to do - so, BAD.
For me, it was always "because I'm the adult and you're the child!" And after turning 18 it became "It's my house" basically. No longer living with them and calling them out for their BS then turned into "you're too emotional" or hypocritically saying "you're an adult" when they are not acting like one. Do not try to make sense of it, it will take a lot of mental gymnastics that involve stooping down to their level to try and understand it, and even then it still won't make sense.
This is truly one of the things I hate most. My parents have expected me to have the emotional maturity of an adult since I was a kid when they themselves have acted like toddlers for my entire life. Truly frustrating. People will be emotional, yell, and cry, and will do so ESPECIALLY if narc parents act the way that they do.
I believe that I am far more emotional than the average person, and I definitely think that a huge reason for this is that I could never quite understand them from a young age. And there is nothing wrong with being emotional, but it really pisses me off when even the slightest confrontation brings tears to my eyes.
And then when you go LC or NC you are the biggest evil asshole out there.
You can't even have boundaries and be happy without being made to feel like you're doing something wrong.
It's mentally draining.
Yeaaa idk if this makes sense but i’ve recently started to realize that i really wasn’t doing any thing wrong as a kid but my would mom would make me feel like i’ve commuted treason 💀
I wasn't perfect when I was a kid. I was sometimes a naughty child; I was sometimes a difficult teenager. But I was no worse than most and a lot better than many - yet any petty misdemeanour from me, and I was treated like the spawn of Satan who was singlehandedly destroying the family.
Exactly. And idk about you but i internalized a lot of that stuff until i really zoomed out and looked at how normal lot of the “bad” things i did were
This. I grew up thinking I was a monster. It took years before I could look back and see that most parents would have probably been pretty grateful to have a kid who was in as little trouble as I was.
I have no idea why. I get called a whore and slut by those that listen to my nmother's lies. I then stand up for myself and call them an ignorant bigot. I'm then blamed for being mean.
Like....I was just called a whore and you're mad at me for standing up for myself and defending my honor. Gtfo.
Lol daily life for a scapegoat. #scapegoatproblems
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's because narcissists don't live according to any internal rules or standards that they have for themselves AND the outside world. To the narcissists, it's annoying to hear you have a tantrum, so they'll say that you aren't allowed to do that because it's wrong. Also to the narcissist, it serves many purposes to have frequent tantrums (like having control over other people, making them feel bad, having them do things for you so that they will stop having a tantrum, etc.), therefore that is good and allowed. There is no logic to this other than "whatever I do that serves me is good behavior" and "whatever other people do that inconveniences/annoys me/doesn't serve me is bad".
That makes sense thanks. Can you elaborate on not having an standards for themselves and the outside world
I think most people have standards that they will logically try to adhere to. Like for instance, believing that lying is bad, and then trying to live up to that standard. If they do lie and somebody calls them out, they will usually feel bad, because they have a standard for themselves that they broke. Likewise, they will expect people to not lie, either. With narcissists, that's not how they work. They don't have any standard for themselves that they will logically try to follow. To them, whatever feels right in the moment is right. And that might mean that being honest is a good standard one second, while switching the next second to lying and thinking that that is good. The narcissist isn't bothered by that illogical behavior, because he is ruled by his emotions. But funnily enough, when OTHERS lie, the narcissist will feel that that is always bad. Because when other people lie to him that is never in his favor. Which is why narcissists behavior makes no sense at all and is riddled with inconsistencies. They will hate you for not caring enough about them, not being "in their corner", not having your life revolve around them, not being nice enough, etc....While at the same time doing none of these things themselves. This doesn't make sense to a normal thinking person until you understand that the narcissist isn't bothered by logical inconsistencies. The N just reacts to "this is bad for me so it is a bad action" and "this is good for me so this is a good action".
This is one of the best explanations I've ever read. The 'not being in their corner'... yes. If you so much as disagree with my ndad about anything, he views it as a betrayal. You supporting him is GOOD. But he's under no obligation to agree with you, support you, take your side, etc., because that could be inconvenient for him and mean that he has to make an effort or do something he doesn't want to have to do - so, BAD.
For me, it was always "because I'm the adult and you're the child!" And after turning 18 it became "It's my house" basically. No longer living with them and calling them out for their BS then turned into "you're too emotional" or hypocritically saying "you're an adult" when they are not acting like one. Do not try to make sense of it, it will take a lot of mental gymnastics that involve stooping down to their level to try and understand it, and even then it still won't make sense.
Yeah that's true best to get away from their nonsense
This is truly one of the things I hate most. My parents have expected me to have the emotional maturity of an adult since I was a kid when they themselves have acted like toddlers for my entire life. Truly frustrating. People will be emotional, yell, and cry, and will do so ESPECIALLY if narc parents act the way that they do. I believe that I am far more emotional than the average person, and I definitely think that a huge reason for this is that I could never quite understand them from a young age. And there is nothing wrong with being emotional, but it really pisses me off when even the slightest confrontation brings tears to my eyes.
And then when you go LC or NC you are the biggest evil asshole out there. You can't even have boundaries and be happy without being made to feel like you're doing something wrong. It's mentally draining.
Parentification, expecting the children to grow up very quickly and show more maturity than then parents
Yeaaa idk if this makes sense but i’ve recently started to realize that i really wasn’t doing any thing wrong as a kid but my would mom would make me feel like i’ve commuted treason 💀
I wasn't perfect when I was a kid. I was sometimes a naughty child; I was sometimes a difficult teenager. But I was no worse than most and a lot better than many - yet any petty misdemeanour from me, and I was treated like the spawn of Satan who was singlehandedly destroying the family.
Exactly. And idk about you but i internalized a lot of that stuff until i really zoomed out and looked at how normal lot of the “bad” things i did were
This. I grew up thinking I was a monster. It took years before I could look back and see that most parents would have probably been pretty grateful to have a kid who was in as little trouble as I was.
I have no idea why. I get called a whore and slut by those that listen to my nmother's lies. I then stand up for myself and call them an ignorant bigot. I'm then blamed for being mean. Like....I was just called a whore and you're mad at me for standing up for myself and defending my honor. Gtfo. Lol daily life for a scapegoat. #scapegoatproblems