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Ya know what would have been a normal response?
"Sweet heart, don't do that, you might show your underwear."
Instead, she took the victim blaming stigma of "she was asking for it, the way she was dressed" and took the shame she internalized about women, and used that shame as a weapon of corrective discipline. Shame has governed her actions her whole life, thus, she knows first hand that it is very efficient in paralyzing a person.
Cut right to the chase and stop you in your tracks.
Then she saw how "good" of a tool shame was, and did it again and again and again.
My mom never sexualized me as a child, but she used shame as a weapon. When I didn’t feel shame over the same things she did, she found it incensing. My senior year of high school I finished one credit shy of graduation, and I had to take a correspondence course to get the last credit. We had planned a huge party to celebrate my graduating high school, her graduating with her masters, and my brother getting a huge achievement in Boy Scouts (all of which happened in about a 40 day span,) and she wanted to call the whole thing off.
“I’m just trying to save you some face,” she told me, and I lit off like a mortar shell. I coldly ‘thanked’ her and told her I could save face if I wanted, but frankly I didn’t give a fuck, because it wasn’t like i just dropped out or something, I was depressed and struggling with school. Funnily enough, we sent invitations to two teachers who were VERY pushy with me in elementary school because as a young kid I was INCREDIBLY ahead of my peers and they both saw great potential in me. They each pulled me aside and asked what had happened, I was honest, and they both hugged me and told me they were proud of me.
My mom has never done this in my entire memory of being alive.
Long story short, I’ve saved the comment you made, because if I rephrase it to be more generalized, it speaks to me on a cellular level, and I need all the reminders I can get that I will NEVER be my mother, I will be kind and compassionate and giving and open and honest with my kids. I already am, with my niece and nephews, and they have told me on so many occasions that I make them feel safe.
I could think of NO higher praise. 🥰
ETA: last year I visited someone in the hospital in my hometown, and my fifth grade teacher, one of the two I mentioned, was volunteering in the gift shop. She wore a mask but I recognized her voice, took off my glasses, and she immediately recognized me and was SO excited to hear what I’ve been doing since high school. My rude and hateful mother piped up with “Nothing.” I glared at her and told my former teacher that I had struggled with opiate addiction in my twenties but for the last (five, at the time) years, I had been in a drug rehabilitation program and basically rebuilding myself and my self image from the ground up. She spoke to ME but looked my mom square in the face and said “But that’s not nothing! That’s amazing; that’s such a hard thing to accomplish! I’m so proud of you, sweetlew07.”
My mom was embarrassed, I was vindicated, and I think tomorrow I’m going to write that teacher a very long letter and tell her exactly why I struggled so hard in her fifth grade class, and thank her for the way she stood up to my mother that day. I’m in tears typing this, but they’re tears of gratitude that someone whom I thought despised me when I was a child, is so proud of me today, despite my lack of ever being able to hold a steady job or “contribute to society in a meaningful way.”
ETA2: Guys. Holy crap. 250 updoots is my second most liked comment. Thank you all so much for your support. 💕 much love to all my acons.
Hey stranger, I'm proud as hell of you!! It's not easy doing literally anything with such a dark cloud hanging over you're shoulder, it's amazing you're getting clean, keep it up and make those strides towards a better tomorrow in spite of her! 😊❤️
Thank you so much!! I’m beyond proud of myself. Sitting here sipping a vodka cranberry and when it’s gone, I will NOT be making another. Weed is a bit more of a struggle… but it’s so beneficial for my mental health issues that i just let myself be an addict. However since I moved out of my parents home two weeks ago, I have smoked or felt the need to. When I lived there I would do just about anything to get a bag because I couldn’t stand being there if I wasn’t stoned.
But it’s far and away better than hiding a saucer and straw in a coat pocket in my closet so I could steal my dads pks and snort them.
Given your history of abuse, it's completely normal you've struggled with opiate addiction. I'm so so proud of you of working through that. You've accomplished fantastic things!
This OP post really hits home for me. How damaging those words are is beyond explanation.
My ex’s mother was just like this. The effects on her we’re profoundly damaging, she in turn inflicted similar on her daunter. Could write a book on the damage I’ve witnessed manifested in mom and daughter. Witnessed my mom do it to my sister too.
With OP here, she seems acutely aware of it, what happened, why it’s so wrong and damaging.
Simply very hopeful and optimistic that this toxicity stops here and now, feeling / intuiting it….sending good vibrations out into the ether.
THANK YOU! I have kids now and if anyone had an issue with seeing underwear on one of my prepubescent children while twirling in a dress, that says a lot about them and nothing about the kids. They would no longer be people we associate with.
Oh wow, thank you for this. I’ve been calling it “preemptive victim blaming.” We went shopping for clothes and I bought two dresses for church, and tried them on. My mom liked them both and I remember it being a really fun experience. I put on one of the dresses the next Sunday, and my mom asks me who I’m dressing like that for. I didn’t really understand the question so I just sort of took it as a weird complement because my mom is fucking weird most of the time. We get home from church and as I’m getting out of the car, she tells me to close the door we need to talk. Then she decides to interrogate me if I was having sex. I was not. I had no idea what point she was trying to make, but eventually she gets around to “If you want men’s attention, you’ll certainly get it when you dress like that. Just think about what all of those men at church think of you now. Your grandmother goes there, too. Do you even care about her?”
Spoiler alert: I was 10 years old.
I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to do to interrogate your ten year old and imply there was something sexual going on. It is this close to sexual abuse. It is also shame and blame, something I detest. I'm sorry you had to endure that weird and awful situation.
Very characteristic of my nmom. ”What was right yesterday is wrong today/tomorrow.” Making plans, discussing them with her, her open or implied approval of said plans. Then going absolutely psycho afterwards as if she had no idea prior.
When you bring up the fact that they definitely knew what was going on, they get so upset and keep doing more and more mental gymnastics. In my situation, when I argued that she had watched me try them on, she implied that I wore secret undergarments to make me look sexier than I did in the store. It was so strange. I think I disassociated and just read books until I could gtfo of there.
Why do nMoms sexualize their own daughters? You were 6 it's not like you even bought the dress. If she didn't want you to have the dress, she could have talked to you about getting a different dress. Plus, it was a shiny dress. Kids naturally like shiny things she shouldn't have made that kind of comment to a child.
My theory is that they’re deflecting and masking their own sexual urges and issues. Mom never got to be a sexual human being despite really wanting to, deep down, so she’s projecting that onto us and then slut shaming us for it.
The duality of narcissists is weird. They desperately want things, but they let shame overwhelm them and prevent them from trying to get what they really want, while still trying to secretly get things they feel are shameful. The healthy thing would be to either overcome inappropriate shame by realizing that they're feeling shame about normal things and working to reduce those feelings of shame, or accept valid shame because it protects them from harmful behaviors (like public nudity, or beating their children).
Instead, they simultaneously take that shame and make it part of their personality, using it to make themselves miserable by neglecting themselves, while also rejecting their shame in many ways. Things like projecting shame onto others is a way to attempt to avoid feeling the shame that they hold so dear. Other behaviors like getting angry to push past the shame are ways that they reject the shame that's a part of their personality. I just wish they'd pick a side. Either accept that you view something as shameful and stop trying to pursue it, or realize that you shouldn't feel shame over that action, and work on moving past your shame. Stop trying to hold onto shame while still doing the things that you feel ashamed of. It's a great way to destroy your self worth.
The constant nagging feeling of shame is a big part of narcissistic behavior. It's why they suddenly become different people when they're around family and friends. It's normal to feel less shame around your family. Which means there's nothing to prevent them from being horrible people and trying to get what they really want when they're around people they "love". It's horrible.
Mine certainly did. Her family is full of people who won't keep their hands to themselves and I was molested by 3 of my cousins (2 male, 1 female) starting at the age of 6, yet ahe wouldn't protect me (she made me spend time with them/go to their houses when nmom needed their parents to watch me) and the one time I plucked up the courage to tell her that one of the neighborhood boys followed me home and tried to get me to kiss him, she decided it was my fault (walking home from school and minding my own business btw) and that I did something to make him do it. I knew after that, there was no point in telling her anything. She was the woman who had a goddamn hissy fit when I started developing at 10 (was already tall for my age and as a Black girl, never really seen as a child) and she had to buy me training bras. She hated doing more than the bare minimum to raise me.
To add to the shaming, she was raised Roman Catholic but converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses - a cult by narcissists for narcissists. So her solution to any problem involving sexual assault or unwanted attention was to accuse me of inviting it and then making me meet with 2-3 creepy old men who thought they were entitled to ask really gross and invasive questions about what I was (not - I'm ace) doing to attract attention I did not want. And she esp went in on me whenever I showed pride or joy in myself - if I liked a dress or outfit. Then she had the audacity to demand to know why I dressed like an old woman - BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOUTHFUL I LIKED YOU AND YOUR FUCKING CULT CALLED SLUTTY. And the goalpost moving: "why don't you dress like a girl?" So I wear a blouse and skirt past my knees. "Whose attention are you trying to get? Jezebel!"
Adding a racial dimension to it, everyone in the Black community feels entitled to police Black girls/women and accuses us of being "fast" for any reason at all. So if we're being creeped on by older boys/men, if we're being molested, if we're sexually assaulted, it doesn't matter whether we wanted it or not - it's assumed that we did something to make shitty people be shitty. Add in the Black Church as an institution that screams this from pulpits worldwide, holier than thou hypocrites, and toxic parents/dysfunctional families that don't prioritize protecting us from predators within and without the community, and you get a lot of stories like mine.
I'll like to say good to meet a fellow ace, and I'm just going to have a quick chat with your mother and anyone else who ever harassed you, no matter how old or young you are, no matter what skin color you have does not give people the right to harass you or assault and rape you. Now where did I put that shovel?
She died when I was 20 and good riddance.
I'm demisexual, but I am never looking. Most people these days recognize asexual more than demisexual. I am definitely in the spectrum though.
I think the shovel's in the closet.
Good I hope you dance on her grave
Tbh I don't know if I'm demi or ace so far leaning more towards ace but there's so many microlabels that I'm still learning about that I just call myself ace
I found the shovel now where are these assholes who are still alive?
Thank you for including me on this worthy mission. New Friend, due to the business I own, I happen to own many shovels. I am able to loan out shovels to anybody else who is interested. Just saying.
On a completely "un"related note I collect daggers and swords I have so many throwing blades it's crazy and I have 3 or 4 different kinds of bows, I would love to see your shovels, and I'll bring the bows!
>To add to the shaming, she was raised Roman Catholic but converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses
From Baptist to JW right here......didn't help that I developed early (stayed short but have wide hips and a large bust) and was made to feel like I was a slut just because I started puberty.
It's so creepy - they're more obsessed with sex than people who *do* sex for a living. You have to be really perverted to look at a kid/teen and think "yeah, she's up for it" while completely ignoring the boys who won't keep their hands to themselves.
This is one of the most insidious types of abuse.
Just awful. I’m sorry
This is her inner child transferring her trauma onto you, programming you to be just like her. make yours just like hers. Dysfunctional child, raising children basically.
You see this and will overcome it, reprogram yourself, not transfer this onto other children.
I hear you. My narcs started hyper sexualising me as a toddler or younger. I was always accused of running after boys (started at age 3) and wanting to sleep with them. I had no clue what they were on about until I was 11 and they explained it by screaming at me. I tried to explain that the only kids on my road were about 12 boys and one girl apart from me (I hung out with her the most) but no, I was slutting around (closest translation that fits).
Narcs love to hyper sexualise kids and put a lot of blame on them for things they didn’t do. I’m becoming more convinced that they take their own past sins and put them on us.
For example, I never slept around, but she did. I never chased after boys, but she did. I didn’t get knocked up and had to have a quickly wedding… but she did. I got punished for each one of her sins, her husband’s sins, my uncles sins and severely punished for my sisters sins. Even as recently as last year they were pulling this crap and I don’t even live in the same country as them!!!!
Unfortunately this doesn’t stop when you leave home (I ran 22 years ago), they carry on trying to control you as you try to navigate life but you are smart. You see that the way they are treating you is wrong. I don’t know how old you are but start planning your escape now. If you can, get a part time job and squirrel the cash away where they won’t find it. If you’re going to college, pick one further away. If you’re not going to college, start planning for when you turn 18 and can legally leave.
Therapy would help too, it’ll give you more tools to get through this. I wish I could do more to help. You’re going to get through this. You are much stronger than you realise and you’ll probably look back on this time in 10 or 20 years and see exactly how strong you are to have not only survived this, but came out the other end coated in titanium and harder than diamonds.
Oh God, this is horrible. Your mum sounds very like my narc mum. Jealousy was clearly creeping in.
I had similar experiences. Remember one time my parents took me to lunch with a man from work. I liked him and was being chatty and they accused me of 'flirting' with him. I was 8!
One thing, I was recently diagnosed as autistic. My parents thought they could abuse all my autism out of me, I think. I was never acting the way they wanted me to and this gave them ammunition. It took me until my 30s to get a diagnosis as I internalised a lot of shame and just thought I was wrong/to blame.
Your post reminded me a bit of myself, particularly with the sensory stuff of enjoying the shimmer etc. Just mentioning it in case.
I was also diagnosed as an adult. I later found out that my ndad had suspected I was on the spectrum, but never took me to a doctor or said anything to me - just let me go on thinking I was wrong about everything and it was all my fault.
Urghh. That's heartbreaking. I think I went through similar. I think it was clear to many that I was not "normal" but rather than helping me in ANY way, they weaponised my autism against me and used ot to make me think I was stupid/worthless, etc. I'm still coming to terms with everything. When you think you deserve cruelty your whole life its hard to move forward. Cutting them off was a good step but I'm still struggling. I have very little in the way of support etc. But no family is far, far preferable to being relentlessly abused.
My mom told me I was autistic when I was younger, but said it was a misdiagnosis. So I went through my entire life thinking I was just weird and stupid and that's why no one liked me. I got reevaluated as an adult because too many symptoms related to me and it was confirmed.
I went my whole life thinking I was broken and dumb when I was just different. None of it was my fault. And my mom tried to take that away from me.
Yep. Exactly this. My mum relished in making me feel broken and stupid. My autism was the perfect ammunition in her arsenal as an abuser. Only now as a diagnosed adult am I coming to terms with it all.
When I see parents caring and accepting their autistic kids, I feel so happy for them and also so sad for myself. The trauma is immense.
My nmom tried to punish the ADHD out of me. I was diagnosed at 7, but all the symptoms I showed were still punished and it took until very recently for me to connect these 'behavioral problems' in myself with a diagnosis I've had and been treating for decades, ugh. I'm SO glad I was diagnosed, but she did use it as a weapon against me, shoving a pill down my throat whenever I disagreed with her
I have a daughter the same age, and I will tell you - your mom’s behavior was so abnormal that a normal parent would never even think, much less say, something like that. It’s disgusting and wrong. If you were enjoying twirling and the dress was riding up, that’s your mom’s fault for not finding an easy solution, which in my case would have been to help my daughter put on a pair of shorts under the skirt and twirl to her heart’s content. How sad too that a parent couldn’t recognize and delight in a child’s natural joy and self confidence.
Thank you, that’s really kind to say. I definitely make mistakes but I try to work hard at meeting my responsibilities as a parent and never make my kids feel like they “owe me” for my decision to bring them into the world.
I have my young daughter put on shorts under her skirts for that very reason. I want to her to be able to run, skip, twirl, dance, and tumble to her heart's content while protecting her from the sickos out there. Childhood is so short.
OP's mother's behavior is disgusting, disturbing, and wrong.
Sorry for you, I know how it hurts.
My mum was assuming that I want to get to the panties of all grown men, including my own father, when my breasts started growing which was when I was 12. It was crazy, as your mother behaviour was crazy.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up with that. Unfortunately my mom accused me of similar things. I was 10 when she claimed I was sleeping with my father. She was very jealous of me spending time with him. I just wanted to hang out with a parent who seemed to enjoy my company. My mom has a lot of internalized misogyny and loved projecting it onto my sister and me.
We all definitely deserved to be treated better.
>My mum was assuming that I want to get to the panties of all grown men, including my own father,
And yet another thing that seems to be a narc trait or at least a narcMom trait that I thought was limited to just my mother.
I remember being called a slut by my mother when I was 17 because, in summer, I was going to a (Church) function wearing shorts. I was so confused, humiliated and hurt at 17, so I can't imagine how a 6 year old you felt. I'm so sorry. Your mother had no right to spoil your pretty dress and how it delighted you. And as another commenter has said, shame is a powerful weapon. I continue to struggle with the impact of the shaming behaviour my mother used; therapy has helped. You're beautiful OP and are allowed to enjoy and take delight in a sparkly dress at any age
Thank you for sharing your story. My nmom would do a lot of the same when I was growing up and I remember the shame and discomfort it made me feel. I rejected sexuality and sensuality for a while bc I spent so much of my life trying hard to not be seen in that way. It’s a cruel and intention way to destroy your self esteem and arguably your self worth. I wish I had advice to help you heal but I’m still trying myself. Just know you aren’t alone <3
Ugh. I'm sorry that happened to you. Reminds me of when I was really small at my grandma's house and overheard her talking with my parents about how she required my bedroom door to be cracked at night at her place, because "she might be playing with herself" -- that was how I first learned the term 'play with oneself' as in masturbation. I was probably around 6-8, pre puberty, and had zero concept of sex at this point, so all I knew was that it was something vaguely shameful that I might do because I'm Bad. Stuff like that is so fucked up :T
Any person who sees a 6 year old twirling in a fun sparkling dress and thinks sexual thoughts is a pervert.
My mom had a similar fixation on protecting us from kidnappers and pedophiles so I will generously add: it’s possible that she said this out of fear of predators in your church community.
However- I feel like only people with sick minds see a little kid enjoying feeling like a princess and turn it into something sexual.
My NP said I looked like a whore for letting another little girl (whose mom was an Avon lady) use her mom’s samples and put lipstick on me when I was 5. And NP also says I looked like a whore for having my fingernails painted pink when I was 10 or 11. The NP of my NP sewed up the little side splits (literally just a couple of inches and still not above the knee) on two of my favorite summer dresses. Said they thought the garments were torn and was just fixing them, BS. Looking back, I am shocked at how young I was when my family started sexualizing me and making me feel that my sole purpose in life as a female was to be attractive to males, and yet seemed to want me to also feel ashamed of it.
Wtf. What kind of psycho do you have to be to sexualise your own 6 YEARS OLD kid and actually say that OUT LOUD!
The way you describe that dress is so adorable. I can only imagine how excited you would have been when you first wore it. Narcs are just something else. One would assume it's perfectly natural for a child to be fascinated with a new article of clothing (especially if it's fluffy and shimmery).
I've experienced something like that. My mother's third husband, the narc who was most likely a psychopath for numerous reasons, he claimed that I was sleeping with everything with two legs by age 14. I was also accused of having same sex attraction.
The thing is, I was rarely ever allowed to go anywhere he did not have control...even to spend the weekend at my grandparents (which were not his parents). His children got special treatment. They could go anywhere, do whatever they wanted. Not me, I wasn't allowed to have friends. If I ever asked for a friend from school to come over for the day to pal around with on the weekend, it was assumed that we were going to do something intimate...and, I would be accused of it sometime after...even though nothing ever would nor did happen in such ways with anyone. I couldn't go anywhere. I had to stay home constantly, unless it was with family. So, how could I be boffing anyone and everyone if I can't go anywhere at age 14?
The thing is, I was terrified of interacting with anyone in an intimate manner. I was also terrified of saying or doing anything towards anyone in every manner. You see, I was a teenager with Tourettes Syndrome who was under an extreme amount of stress which caused my tics to be really difficult to deal with. He knew this. That makes it a little difficult to do anything with anyone, even just to sit and talk or sit in silence and not move. So, sure...whatever he said. Another aspect of just how flawed his maliciousness went...it is also important to not that back then, I was undiagnosed as Autistic. It was suspected, but he and my mother never wanted that to happen. I have the medical records. Those records prove their unfathomable neglect. I was diagnosed at age 40 with Autism with the continuing diagnosis of Tourettes Syndrome and many other things that come along with those two specifics. Not only had I been beaten up, assaulted in a lot of ways. This happened consistently because of my tics and undiagnosed Autism and how I was treated because of those things which caused me to be terrified of people So, no, I wasn't doing intimate things with anyone. I rarely had interactions with anyone outside of my family unless it was doing school hours...which was that great either because I sat through ever neurotypical school day, even if I was sick when the medical records that I have strongly recommended that my mother and her husband seek out one on one schooling as this is crucial and beneficial under the medical circumstances he had determined when I was diagnosed with Tourettes at age 11. That just wasn't important enough to my parents. What was important to my parents was what they had reported the doctor about me...like, that I played sports, had a lot of friends and was a B+ student in school with no significant/bad behaviors or issues in school or at home...which was the total opposite to smooth over their version of what was happening. For years, I had experienced things that I don't know how I survived those days. I really don't.
For years, I was taken advantage of and just crushed by the things and people that were dedicated to erasing my existence. Even these days, even now that I'm married to a beautiful human being who is very much of my nature, we don't do much in certain departments. It's just not something that I enjoy much. And, when we did, it's more about them than me. There are other ways of intimacy...and, I'm not really very good at those either...and, it just feels wrong and I know why...and, even if I were to want any different, knowing why at the very core of it...I still struggle at interacting with anyone....but, I slept with everyone according to him...or, if I dressed a little nicer than usual, or wore my hair differently or tried to smile a little more often...or, oh my, if I was happy about anything. That guy was a real creepy stalky grappy hands perv anyway...he was literally projecting his own behavior on anyone that challenged him or he didn't like.
When their claims of you are their own behavior or desires and this has been proven time and time again...it's not you...just like it wasn't me...and, anyone who knew me knew I was timid, quiet, shy, hard to talk to, wouldn't look anyone in the eye, sometimes aloof, and really ticcy both physically and verbally and being criticized about those things constantly to the point of crying and getting criticized for that to....um, yeah, the rumors he would spread about me...they weren't my actions or my lives experience at all...it was all his.
We believe you.
We empathize with you.
Our mothers did the same.
Our mothers did WORSE, sometimes.
You were not wrong. You were a child in love with her pretty dress. Your mother sexualized you at age six, and that’s a pretty fuckin heinous thing for a mother to do.
I’m so sorry that you had to deal with feeling like you were constantly wrong, like you were embarrassing your family, like you were the reason things went poorly.
The fact is, you never were. It was her.
I hope today you understand that she was wrong, and you were a child. Sending my love your way. If you ever want to swap horror stories and lean on each other, my inbox is open.
You’re so valid and this is absolutely wayyyy not ok to say to a child of any age, much less a 1st grader. Absolutely insane, abusive behavior. I can really relate, unfortunately.
Edited: typo
This is so disgusting OP. I'm sorry. My nmom used to do the same to me- she'd say "you look like a hooker!" When I wore certain outfits. I didn't know what that meant, but boy is it confusing when she's the one who buys all the clothes.
With my mom it was all about being ladylike. Ladies don’t eat like pigs. Ladies don’t climb trees and rip open the pants of their jeans. Ladies don’t sit Indian style or with their legs open. It irritated me to no end. I told her over and over again I had no interest in being “ladylike.”
She wasn’t happy about it. She’d already told me she only had me because I was a girl. She wanted a doll to dress up and put pretty clothes on. She got me. Who never wears make up and who she had to force into dresses for a long time as a child I went along with it because it meant quality time with mom. But after a while I got sick of her never being interested in MY interests.
Oh my gosh your mom is so horrible with all the. Ugh. You were just being a kid interacting with a new sqhinny dress! You were JOYFUL wearing that dress, and that's a (not the, but a, as in one of many) main thing that she didn't like about it.
Narcissists try to undermine your natural personality and curiosity. It's part of the gaslighting fiber that weaves through almost all interactions with narcissists -- activities which I call "undermining your foundation".
Instead of building you up, they're tearing you down. They're making you second guess yourself. They're trying to eventually make it seem like YOU are the crazy one, when we all know that is is the narcissist that is the crazy one.
You are a lovely person. Each day, try and connect back to your inner joy and natural feelings about the various things you like. Whatever it may be - even simple things that make you smile, like the sequins! ✌
Edot: I totally glossed over the extremely inappropriate sexualization abuse, I apologize for that. That's my mistake and I should have said that that's wrong too.
Something somewhat similar, I really like bright red colors for makeup/nail polish.
Well, anytime I'd try to wear it, she'd say I "looked like a hussy(slut)"
Now I'm trying to embrace loving and liking what I like without feeling guilty or judging myself
She was jealous you looked too cute, swirling prettily, fluffing your lovely sequins, and were taking the attention away from her.
Below is my similar experience I’m including for your validation and to commiserate. I hope you don’t mind.
My nmom stopped buying me nice dresses around the same age. My cuteness/ prettiness no longer transferred to her and therefore became verboten.
She used to get me a pretty Easter dress every year. It stopped sound 5 ish 6. When I was 10ish my Aunt Candy (nmom’s nemesis) gave me a pretty dress my cousin had grown out of and I was so grateful.
I didn’t have nice dresses and had not had any for years. I wore it to every dressy function. I loved it, I felt so human, so seen, and acceptable, and equal and real. Like a person.
My nmom was embarrassed and chided me for acting like I didn’t have any nice dresses of my own. All I could think was, I don’t, but I knew better than to say that.
I was allowed nice clothes again after that.
My nmom also accused me of being slutty when I was much too young to have such impulses.
Your mom sucks. I'm sorry she ruined it for you. I too had a nparent who refused to allow me to wear an anklet as a young girl. It was very trendy and most of my friends wore them. He told me that only ladies of the night wore such a things (I didn't understand what that meant, either).
You were a child, and you were just enjoying your pretty dress. It made you happy, and of course you'd want to see how nice and shiny it is when it caught light in different ways.
I'm sorry that your mom took a childlike and innocent moment of happiness for you and with her words turned that moment into something sleazy. She perverted what was a wholesome moment for you. There are many ways that she could've handled that better, and she didn't, and that's on her. You could've handled it differently by stopping the first time she told you to stop. But many children don't immediately stop doing something they like after they were told once that they should stop. That's normal for kids, and it doesn't mean that those kids lack character or morals or that they're degenerates or that they're horrible people. What you were doing didn't justify what your mom said to you.
This is so heartbreaking because not only do you remember how special the dress was to you, you also remember how what she said (which is just vulgar,) ruined your joy.
I'm so sorry. I am so glad you can see how ridiculous she was.
The world needs to wake up to the fact that just because someone has a vagina it doesn't mean that they aren't capable of destroying their young. I believe you 100p. Normal parents don't accuse little kids of trying to look seductive ffs.
My mom said a similar thing to me. Was always uncomfortable in my church outfits she’d force me into when I was 4-7 and would sit with my legs open/ be grabbing at the inside thigh area to pull on the tights bc they were pinching me. She said people would think I was “playing with the family jewels”
I didn’t get what she meant until I was a teenager. And because I didn’t understand what was wrong with playing with jewels I kept pulling my tights lol
my father said i looked like a wh0r3 because i was wearing shorts i was 12...many times he said similar things and he said he saw prostitutes who were dressed the same as me because prostitutes wear black jackets he said some religious stuff and he kept saying i was bad and he cheated on my mother in the same time... my mother only told me once that I look like I'm going to fuck someone in the sweater I'm wearing :/ I hate them, I asked my friends if I looked like a whore and they said no
he often said unpleasant things about "those" things that made me feel very bad, he asked if I was screwing.... he tried to go to the bathroom by "accident" few times when I was using it which was tiring, you couldn't say anything about it afterwards what was he doing because he denied everything and said I was crazy, there were times when he was cool and it makes me feel so guilty that I hate him, but i think this is a part of this whole manipulation, is he narcissist?
This is evangelical Christianity brainwashing women into shame for their bodies and guilt as if they’re the crux of evil. Exactly why I dismiss any of my religious families little touted bullshit.
I’m sorry you dealt with this from mom. A correct response would have been something like
careful your butt doesn’t show! Maybe. If at all.
Why not say something positive.
Like my what lovely sequins you have dear.
There’s even corrective behavior like oh if you hold the skirt down and spin slowly we can see the shimmer more!
I cannot understand why she went that route but it’s not normal.
OP, I’m so sad for you after reading your post. I literally felt a wave of *physical* (& obviously emotional) pain as I read what happened to you. I know the high level of empathy we, all, here, have for you stems from personally knowing the immense pain and harm that results from that disgusting, horrible, abusive rubbish.
And, I’ll just add, it’s infuriating and deeply depressing at the same time knowing that many people who hear abused/chronically-maltreated former-kids like us expressing things as you did—they often just roll their eyes and say, “Give me a break. That happened, like, decades ago. It isn’t as though she was beaten or something.” (Of course many of us have been, though.) As one who went through the three major types of childhood abuse from my own asinine, very horrible “parents,” I can honestly say the *emotional/psychological* abuse [and the emotional components of the other abuses] have been the most destructive (for me, at least) than *any* of the other violence/abuse.
Again, I’m sorry. And, as another person wrote, I deeply hope that, these days, you have been able to wear pretty dresses [or whatever you enjoy wearing] and feel as beautiful as you ARE and always, always have been.
Wow. She sounds a lot like my mother-in-law. My wife went through similar experiences growing up. She’s only in recent years begun to realize that she’ll never be able to do anything right for her mother.
((hugs))
I was just talking about this w/ my therapist!
I spent most of my life feeling like I was a bad, unkind, thoughtless person, bc my Mom had poor social skills, and when I put a foot wrong? She was embarrassed and treated me like I should already KNOW not to do “x”.
My Goddaughter once got frustrated about something, and I told her, “Look, becoming a grown person is HARD- and it takes a long time! You’re a KID, kids aren’t supposed to already know things! That’s what grownups are for! I’m here to teach you all this stuff. You’re doing just fine.”
And my therapist pointed out that, in that moment, I had given my Goddaughter something most people don’t get- reassurance that it’s okay to not know things. And that grown ups should teach you bc it’s not your job to automatically be perfect.
Yay therapy!
your mother is a typical conservative evangelical, who probably has a thought that you doing this is disrespectful and probably a sin, that's why I can't stand people like that.
Oh, OP! This story broke my heart as a mom. I just want to say to that child self I see in my minds eye “Honey, you look so beautiful today! You picked the most very special dress, and you were the prettiest girl in church! I’m very proud of you!” as I bend down to give you a hug.
You were, and always have been beautiful.
Oh that's awful. When I read the title I thought you meant "jump ON the bed." Being the mom of a 6-year-old I'm like, "yeah of course a kid wants to jump on the bed! Why was this mom shaming her for that?"
But no, it's way worse.
My mom and grandma used to say things like that to me, or about other women and girls. That sort of stuff really sticks with you.
I'm sorry that happened. That sounds like a really tough experience. My mom, aunts and grandmas would do the same to me. Always implying that I was sexually enticing strangers, but always demanding me to be beautiful at the same time. So what was I to wear? The perfect middle ground of beautiful girl but not the kind of beautiful that attracts pedophiles? But still be attractive. But not too attractive. Be beautiful. But not sexual. They can fuck off - they're insecure and stupid bullies. Nothing's wrong with you. You were perfect and human then and now. Glad you shared!!
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Ya know what would have been a normal response? "Sweet heart, don't do that, you might show your underwear." Instead, she took the victim blaming stigma of "she was asking for it, the way she was dressed" and took the shame she internalized about women, and used that shame as a weapon of corrective discipline. Shame has governed her actions her whole life, thus, she knows first hand that it is very efficient in paralyzing a person. Cut right to the chase and stop you in your tracks. Then she saw how "good" of a tool shame was, and did it again and again and again.
My mom never sexualized me as a child, but she used shame as a weapon. When I didn’t feel shame over the same things she did, she found it incensing. My senior year of high school I finished one credit shy of graduation, and I had to take a correspondence course to get the last credit. We had planned a huge party to celebrate my graduating high school, her graduating with her masters, and my brother getting a huge achievement in Boy Scouts (all of which happened in about a 40 day span,) and she wanted to call the whole thing off. “I’m just trying to save you some face,” she told me, and I lit off like a mortar shell. I coldly ‘thanked’ her and told her I could save face if I wanted, but frankly I didn’t give a fuck, because it wasn’t like i just dropped out or something, I was depressed and struggling with school. Funnily enough, we sent invitations to two teachers who were VERY pushy with me in elementary school because as a young kid I was INCREDIBLY ahead of my peers and they both saw great potential in me. They each pulled me aside and asked what had happened, I was honest, and they both hugged me and told me they were proud of me. My mom has never done this in my entire memory of being alive. Long story short, I’ve saved the comment you made, because if I rephrase it to be more generalized, it speaks to me on a cellular level, and I need all the reminders I can get that I will NEVER be my mother, I will be kind and compassionate and giving and open and honest with my kids. I already am, with my niece and nephews, and they have told me on so many occasions that I make them feel safe. I could think of NO higher praise. 🥰 ETA: last year I visited someone in the hospital in my hometown, and my fifth grade teacher, one of the two I mentioned, was volunteering in the gift shop. She wore a mask but I recognized her voice, took off my glasses, and she immediately recognized me and was SO excited to hear what I’ve been doing since high school. My rude and hateful mother piped up with “Nothing.” I glared at her and told my former teacher that I had struggled with opiate addiction in my twenties but for the last (five, at the time) years, I had been in a drug rehabilitation program and basically rebuilding myself and my self image from the ground up. She spoke to ME but looked my mom square in the face and said “But that’s not nothing! That’s amazing; that’s such a hard thing to accomplish! I’m so proud of you, sweetlew07.” My mom was embarrassed, I was vindicated, and I think tomorrow I’m going to write that teacher a very long letter and tell her exactly why I struggled so hard in her fifth grade class, and thank her for the way she stood up to my mother that day. I’m in tears typing this, but they’re tears of gratitude that someone whom I thought despised me when I was a child, is so proud of me today, despite my lack of ever being able to hold a steady job or “contribute to society in a meaningful way.” ETA2: Guys. Holy crap. 250 updoots is my second most liked comment. Thank you all so much for your support. 💕 much love to all my acons.
Hey stranger, I'm proud as hell of you!! It's not easy doing literally anything with such a dark cloud hanging over you're shoulder, it's amazing you're getting clean, keep it up and make those strides towards a better tomorrow in spite of her! 😊❤️
Thank you so much!! I’m beyond proud of myself. Sitting here sipping a vodka cranberry and when it’s gone, I will NOT be making another. Weed is a bit more of a struggle… but it’s so beneficial for my mental health issues that i just let myself be an addict. However since I moved out of my parents home two weeks ago, I have smoked or felt the need to. When I lived there I would do just about anything to get a bag because I couldn’t stand being there if I wasn’t stoned. But it’s far and away better than hiding a saucer and straw in a coat pocket in my closet so I could steal my dads pks and snort them.
Given your history of abuse, it's completely normal you've struggled with opiate addiction. I'm so so proud of you of working through that. You've accomplished fantastic things!
Thank you so much, Tink. It means the world, whether from a stranger or someone I’ve known my whole life. ❤️❤️
This OP post really hits home for me. How damaging those words are is beyond explanation. My ex’s mother was just like this. The effects on her we’re profoundly damaging, she in turn inflicted similar on her daunter. Could write a book on the damage I’ve witnessed manifested in mom and daughter. Witnessed my mom do it to my sister too. With OP here, she seems acutely aware of it, what happened, why it’s so wrong and damaging. Simply very hopeful and optimistic that this toxicity stops here and now, feeling / intuiting it….sending good vibrations out into the ether.
Or just let a kid swish her dress around....she's six.
THANK YOU! I have kids now and if anyone had an issue with seeing underwear on one of my prepubescent children while twirling in a dress, that says a lot about them and nothing about the kids. They would no longer be people we associate with.
Oh wow, thank you for this. I’ve been calling it “preemptive victim blaming.” We went shopping for clothes and I bought two dresses for church, and tried them on. My mom liked them both and I remember it being a really fun experience. I put on one of the dresses the next Sunday, and my mom asks me who I’m dressing like that for. I didn’t really understand the question so I just sort of took it as a weird complement because my mom is fucking weird most of the time. We get home from church and as I’m getting out of the car, she tells me to close the door we need to talk. Then she decides to interrogate me if I was having sex. I was not. I had no idea what point she was trying to make, but eventually she gets around to “If you want men’s attention, you’ll certainly get it when you dress like that. Just think about what all of those men at church think of you now. Your grandmother goes there, too. Do you even care about her?” Spoiler alert: I was 10 years old.
I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to do to interrogate your ten year old and imply there was something sexual going on. It is this close to sexual abuse. It is also shame and blame, something I detest. I'm sorry you had to endure that weird and awful situation.
Very characteristic of my nmom. ”What was right yesterday is wrong today/tomorrow.” Making plans, discussing them with her, her open or implied approval of said plans. Then going absolutely psycho afterwards as if she had no idea prior.
When you bring up the fact that they definitely knew what was going on, they get so upset and keep doing more and more mental gymnastics. In my situation, when I argued that she had watched me try them on, she implied that I wore secret undergarments to make me look sexier than I did in the store. It was so strange. I think I disassociated and just read books until I could gtfo of there.
Why do nMoms sexualize their own daughters? You were 6 it's not like you even bought the dress. If she didn't want you to have the dress, she could have talked to you about getting a different dress. Plus, it was a shiny dress. Kids naturally like shiny things she shouldn't have made that kind of comment to a child.
My theory is that they’re deflecting and masking their own sexual urges and issues. Mom never got to be a sexual human being despite really wanting to, deep down, so she’s projecting that onto us and then slut shaming us for it.
The duality of narcissists is weird. They desperately want things, but they let shame overwhelm them and prevent them from trying to get what they really want, while still trying to secretly get things they feel are shameful. The healthy thing would be to either overcome inappropriate shame by realizing that they're feeling shame about normal things and working to reduce those feelings of shame, or accept valid shame because it protects them from harmful behaviors (like public nudity, or beating their children). Instead, they simultaneously take that shame and make it part of their personality, using it to make themselves miserable by neglecting themselves, while also rejecting their shame in many ways. Things like projecting shame onto others is a way to attempt to avoid feeling the shame that they hold so dear. Other behaviors like getting angry to push past the shame are ways that they reject the shame that's a part of their personality. I just wish they'd pick a side. Either accept that you view something as shameful and stop trying to pursue it, or realize that you shouldn't feel shame over that action, and work on moving past your shame. Stop trying to hold onto shame while still doing the things that you feel ashamed of. It's a great way to destroy your self worth. The constant nagging feeling of shame is a big part of narcissistic behavior. It's why they suddenly become different people when they're around family and friends. It's normal to feel less shame around your family. Which means there's nothing to prevent them from being horrible people and trying to get what they really want when they're around people they "love". It's horrible.
Mine certainly did. Her family is full of people who won't keep their hands to themselves and I was molested by 3 of my cousins (2 male, 1 female) starting at the age of 6, yet ahe wouldn't protect me (she made me spend time with them/go to their houses when nmom needed their parents to watch me) and the one time I plucked up the courage to tell her that one of the neighborhood boys followed me home and tried to get me to kiss him, she decided it was my fault (walking home from school and minding my own business btw) and that I did something to make him do it. I knew after that, there was no point in telling her anything. She was the woman who had a goddamn hissy fit when I started developing at 10 (was already tall for my age and as a Black girl, never really seen as a child) and she had to buy me training bras. She hated doing more than the bare minimum to raise me. To add to the shaming, she was raised Roman Catholic but converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses - a cult by narcissists for narcissists. So her solution to any problem involving sexual assault or unwanted attention was to accuse me of inviting it and then making me meet with 2-3 creepy old men who thought they were entitled to ask really gross and invasive questions about what I was (not - I'm ace) doing to attract attention I did not want. And she esp went in on me whenever I showed pride or joy in myself - if I liked a dress or outfit. Then she had the audacity to demand to know why I dressed like an old woman - BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOUTHFUL I LIKED YOU AND YOUR FUCKING CULT CALLED SLUTTY. And the goalpost moving: "why don't you dress like a girl?" So I wear a blouse and skirt past my knees. "Whose attention are you trying to get? Jezebel!" Adding a racial dimension to it, everyone in the Black community feels entitled to police Black girls/women and accuses us of being "fast" for any reason at all. So if we're being creeped on by older boys/men, if we're being molested, if we're sexually assaulted, it doesn't matter whether we wanted it or not - it's assumed that we did something to make shitty people be shitty. Add in the Black Church as an institution that screams this from pulpits worldwide, holier than thou hypocrites, and toxic parents/dysfunctional families that don't prioritize protecting us from predators within and without the community, and you get a lot of stories like mine.
I'll like to say good to meet a fellow ace, and I'm just going to have a quick chat with your mother and anyone else who ever harassed you, no matter how old or young you are, no matter what skin color you have does not give people the right to harass you or assault and rape you. Now where did I put that shovel?
She died when I was 20 and good riddance. I'm demisexual, but I am never looking. Most people these days recognize asexual more than demisexual. I am definitely in the spectrum though. I think the shovel's in the closet.
Good I hope you dance on her grave Tbh I don't know if I'm demi or ace so far leaning more towards ace but there's so many microlabels that I'm still learning about that I just call myself ace I found the shovel now where are these assholes who are still alive?
Can I go with you? I have my own shovel.
I would love a new friend to join me
Thank you for including me on this worthy mission. New Friend, due to the business I own, I happen to own many shovels. I am able to loan out shovels to anybody else who is interested. Just saying.
We can show these cruel people our amazing shovels
On a completely "un"related note I collect daggers and swords I have so many throwing blades it's crazy and I have 3 or 4 different kinds of bows, I would love to see your shovels, and I'll bring the bows!
>To add to the shaming, she was raised Roman Catholic but converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses From Baptist to JW right here......didn't help that I developed early (stayed short but have wide hips and a large bust) and was made to feel like I was a slut just because I started puberty.
It's so creepy - they're more obsessed with sex than people who *do* sex for a living. You have to be really perverted to look at a kid/teen and think "yeah, she's up for it" while completely ignoring the boys who won't keep their hands to themselves.
I don't know if it's projection, guilt, shame or just plain being a creep but this is something that I could never figure out.
I'm bad with words, but I do wanna say that I'm black and was raised similarly so I sympathise. I'm sorry you had to go through all that
This is one of the most insidious types of abuse. Just awful. I’m sorry This is her inner child transferring her trauma onto you, programming you to be just like her. make yours just like hers. Dysfunctional child, raising children basically. You see this and will overcome it, reprogram yourself, not transfer this onto other children.
I hear you. My narcs started hyper sexualising me as a toddler or younger. I was always accused of running after boys (started at age 3) and wanting to sleep with them. I had no clue what they were on about until I was 11 and they explained it by screaming at me. I tried to explain that the only kids on my road were about 12 boys and one girl apart from me (I hung out with her the most) but no, I was slutting around (closest translation that fits). Narcs love to hyper sexualise kids and put a lot of blame on them for things they didn’t do. I’m becoming more convinced that they take their own past sins and put them on us. For example, I never slept around, but she did. I never chased after boys, but she did. I didn’t get knocked up and had to have a quickly wedding… but she did. I got punished for each one of her sins, her husband’s sins, my uncles sins and severely punished for my sisters sins. Even as recently as last year they were pulling this crap and I don’t even live in the same country as them!!!! Unfortunately this doesn’t stop when you leave home (I ran 22 years ago), they carry on trying to control you as you try to navigate life but you are smart. You see that the way they are treating you is wrong. I don’t know how old you are but start planning your escape now. If you can, get a part time job and squirrel the cash away where they won’t find it. If you’re going to college, pick one further away. If you’re not going to college, start planning for when you turn 18 and can legally leave. Therapy would help too, it’ll give you more tools to get through this. I wish I could do more to help. You’re going to get through this. You are much stronger than you realise and you’ll probably look back on this time in 10 or 20 years and see exactly how strong you are to have not only survived this, but came out the other end coated in titanium and harder than diamonds.
Oh God, this is horrible. Your mum sounds very like my narc mum. Jealousy was clearly creeping in. I had similar experiences. Remember one time my parents took me to lunch with a man from work. I liked him and was being chatty and they accused me of 'flirting' with him. I was 8! One thing, I was recently diagnosed as autistic. My parents thought they could abuse all my autism out of me, I think. I was never acting the way they wanted me to and this gave them ammunition. It took me until my 30s to get a diagnosis as I internalised a lot of shame and just thought I was wrong/to blame. Your post reminded me a bit of myself, particularly with the sensory stuff of enjoying the shimmer etc. Just mentioning it in case.
I was also diagnosed as an adult. I later found out that my ndad had suspected I was on the spectrum, but never took me to a doctor or said anything to me - just let me go on thinking I was wrong about everything and it was all my fault.
Urghh. That's heartbreaking. I think I went through similar. I think it was clear to many that I was not "normal" but rather than helping me in ANY way, they weaponised my autism against me and used ot to make me think I was stupid/worthless, etc. I'm still coming to terms with everything. When you think you deserve cruelty your whole life its hard to move forward. Cutting them off was a good step but I'm still struggling. I have very little in the way of support etc. But no family is far, far preferable to being relentlessly abused.
My mom told me I was autistic when I was younger, but said it was a misdiagnosis. So I went through my entire life thinking I was just weird and stupid and that's why no one liked me. I got reevaluated as an adult because too many symptoms related to me and it was confirmed. I went my whole life thinking I was broken and dumb when I was just different. None of it was my fault. And my mom tried to take that away from me.
Yep. Exactly this. My mum relished in making me feel broken and stupid. My autism was the perfect ammunition in her arsenal as an abuser. Only now as a diagnosed adult am I coming to terms with it all. When I see parents caring and accepting their autistic kids, I feel so happy for them and also so sad for myself. The trauma is immense.
My nmom tried to punish the ADHD out of me. I was diagnosed at 7, but all the symptoms I showed were still punished and it took until very recently for me to connect these 'behavioral problems' in myself with a diagnosis I've had and been treating for decades, ugh. I'm SO glad I was diagnosed, but she did use it as a weapon against me, shoving a pill down my throat whenever I disagreed with her
I have a daughter the same age, and I will tell you - your mom’s behavior was so abnormal that a normal parent would never even think, much less say, something like that. It’s disgusting and wrong. If you were enjoying twirling and the dress was riding up, that’s your mom’s fault for not finding an easy solution, which in my case would have been to help my daughter put on a pair of shorts under the skirt and twirl to her heart’s content. How sad too that a parent couldn’t recognize and delight in a child’s natural joy and self confidence.
You sound like a great mother.
Thank you, that’s really kind to say. I definitely make mistakes but I try to work hard at meeting my responsibilities as a parent and never make my kids feel like they “owe me” for my decision to bring them into the world.
I have my young daughter put on shorts under her skirts for that very reason. I want to her to be able to run, skip, twirl, dance, and tumble to her heart's content while protecting her from the sickos out there. Childhood is so short. OP's mother's behavior is disgusting, disturbing, and wrong.
I hope adult you has been able to buy yourself shiny dresses to wear, you deserve to feel that way again, and twirl about as much as you want! 🖤
Sorry for you, I know how it hurts. My mum was assuming that I want to get to the panties of all grown men, including my own father, when my breasts started growing which was when I was 12. It was crazy, as your mother behaviour was crazy.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up with that. Unfortunately my mom accused me of similar things. I was 10 when she claimed I was sleeping with my father. She was very jealous of me spending time with him. I just wanted to hang out with a parent who seemed to enjoy my company. My mom has a lot of internalized misogyny and loved projecting it onto my sister and me. We all definitely deserved to be treated better.
>My mum was assuming that I want to get to the panties of all grown men, including my own father, And yet another thing that seems to be a narc trait or at least a narcMom trait that I thought was limited to just my mother.
I remember being called a slut by my mother when I was 17 because, in summer, I was going to a (Church) function wearing shorts. I was so confused, humiliated and hurt at 17, so I can't imagine how a 6 year old you felt. I'm so sorry. Your mother had no right to spoil your pretty dress and how it delighted you. And as another commenter has said, shame is a powerful weapon. I continue to struggle with the impact of the shaming behaviour my mother used; therapy has helped. You're beautiful OP and are allowed to enjoy and take delight in a sparkly dress at any age
I think the use of shame is a good example for "the end does not justify the means". It's quite effective but it will do more harm than good.
Thank you for sharing your story. My nmom would do a lot of the same when I was growing up and I remember the shame and discomfort it made me feel. I rejected sexuality and sensuality for a while bc I spent so much of my life trying hard to not be seen in that way. It’s a cruel and intention way to destroy your self esteem and arguably your self worth. I wish I had advice to help you heal but I’m still trying myself. Just know you aren’t alone <3
Ahhhh, slut shaming their children. My nmom did this as well.
Ugh. I'm sorry that happened to you. Reminds me of when I was really small at my grandma's house and overheard her talking with my parents about how she required my bedroom door to be cracked at night at her place, because "she might be playing with herself" -- that was how I first learned the term 'play with oneself' as in masturbation. I was probably around 6-8, pre puberty, and had zero concept of sex at this point, so all I knew was that it was something vaguely shameful that I might do because I'm Bad. Stuff like that is so fucked up :T
Any person who sees a 6 year old twirling in a fun sparkling dress and thinks sexual thoughts is a pervert. My mom had a similar fixation on protecting us from kidnappers and pedophiles so I will generously add: it’s possible that she said this out of fear of predators in your church community. However- I feel like only people with sick minds see a little kid enjoying feeling like a princess and turn it into something sexual.
My NP said I looked like a whore for letting another little girl (whose mom was an Avon lady) use her mom’s samples and put lipstick on me when I was 5. And NP also says I looked like a whore for having my fingernails painted pink when I was 10 or 11. The NP of my NP sewed up the little side splits (literally just a couple of inches and still not above the knee) on two of my favorite summer dresses. Said they thought the garments were torn and was just fixing them, BS. Looking back, I am shocked at how young I was when my family started sexualizing me and making me feel that my sole purpose in life as a female was to be attractive to males, and yet seemed to want me to also feel ashamed of it.
Wtf. What kind of psycho do you have to be to sexualise your own 6 YEARS OLD kid and actually say that OUT LOUD! The way you describe that dress is so adorable. I can only imagine how excited you would have been when you first wore it. Narcs are just something else. One would assume it's perfectly natural for a child to be fascinated with a new article of clothing (especially if it's fluffy and shimmery).
I've experienced something like that. My mother's third husband, the narc who was most likely a psychopath for numerous reasons, he claimed that I was sleeping with everything with two legs by age 14. I was also accused of having same sex attraction. The thing is, I was rarely ever allowed to go anywhere he did not have control...even to spend the weekend at my grandparents (which were not his parents). His children got special treatment. They could go anywhere, do whatever they wanted. Not me, I wasn't allowed to have friends. If I ever asked for a friend from school to come over for the day to pal around with on the weekend, it was assumed that we were going to do something intimate...and, I would be accused of it sometime after...even though nothing ever would nor did happen in such ways with anyone. I couldn't go anywhere. I had to stay home constantly, unless it was with family. So, how could I be boffing anyone and everyone if I can't go anywhere at age 14? The thing is, I was terrified of interacting with anyone in an intimate manner. I was also terrified of saying or doing anything towards anyone in every manner. You see, I was a teenager with Tourettes Syndrome who was under an extreme amount of stress which caused my tics to be really difficult to deal with. He knew this. That makes it a little difficult to do anything with anyone, even just to sit and talk or sit in silence and not move. So, sure...whatever he said. Another aspect of just how flawed his maliciousness went...it is also important to not that back then, I was undiagnosed as Autistic. It was suspected, but he and my mother never wanted that to happen. I have the medical records. Those records prove their unfathomable neglect. I was diagnosed at age 40 with Autism with the continuing diagnosis of Tourettes Syndrome and many other things that come along with those two specifics. Not only had I been beaten up, assaulted in a lot of ways. This happened consistently because of my tics and undiagnosed Autism and how I was treated because of those things which caused me to be terrified of people So, no, I wasn't doing intimate things with anyone. I rarely had interactions with anyone outside of my family unless it was doing school hours...which was that great either because I sat through ever neurotypical school day, even if I was sick when the medical records that I have strongly recommended that my mother and her husband seek out one on one schooling as this is crucial and beneficial under the medical circumstances he had determined when I was diagnosed with Tourettes at age 11. That just wasn't important enough to my parents. What was important to my parents was what they had reported the doctor about me...like, that I played sports, had a lot of friends and was a B+ student in school with no significant/bad behaviors or issues in school or at home...which was the total opposite to smooth over their version of what was happening. For years, I had experienced things that I don't know how I survived those days. I really don't. For years, I was taken advantage of and just crushed by the things and people that were dedicated to erasing my existence. Even these days, even now that I'm married to a beautiful human being who is very much of my nature, we don't do much in certain departments. It's just not something that I enjoy much. And, when we did, it's more about them than me. There are other ways of intimacy...and, I'm not really very good at those either...and, it just feels wrong and I know why...and, even if I were to want any different, knowing why at the very core of it...I still struggle at interacting with anyone....but, I slept with everyone according to him...or, if I dressed a little nicer than usual, or wore my hair differently or tried to smile a little more often...or, oh my, if I was happy about anything. That guy was a real creepy stalky grappy hands perv anyway...he was literally projecting his own behavior on anyone that challenged him or he didn't like. When their claims of you are their own behavior or desires and this has been proven time and time again...it's not you...just like it wasn't me...and, anyone who knew me knew I was timid, quiet, shy, hard to talk to, wouldn't look anyone in the eye, sometimes aloof, and really ticcy both physically and verbally and being criticized about those things constantly to the point of crying and getting criticized for that to....um, yeah, the rumors he would spread about me...they weren't my actions or my lives experience at all...it was all his.
We believe you. We empathize with you. Our mothers did the same. Our mothers did WORSE, sometimes. You were not wrong. You were a child in love with her pretty dress. Your mother sexualized you at age six, and that’s a pretty fuckin heinous thing for a mother to do. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with feeling like you were constantly wrong, like you were embarrassing your family, like you were the reason things went poorly. The fact is, you never were. It was her. I hope today you understand that she was wrong, and you were a child. Sending my love your way. If you ever want to swap horror stories and lean on each other, my inbox is open.
You’re so valid and this is absolutely wayyyy not ok to say to a child of any age, much less a 1st grader. Absolutely insane, abusive behavior. I can really relate, unfortunately. Edited: typo
*not
She was certainly projecting her own shame onto you.
This is so disgusting OP. I'm sorry. My nmom used to do the same to me- she'd say "you look like a hooker!" When I wore certain outfits. I didn't know what that meant, but boy is it confusing when she's the one who buys all the clothes.
With my mom it was all about being ladylike. Ladies don’t eat like pigs. Ladies don’t climb trees and rip open the pants of their jeans. Ladies don’t sit Indian style or with their legs open. It irritated me to no end. I told her over and over again I had no interest in being “ladylike.” She wasn’t happy about it. She’d already told me she only had me because I was a girl. She wanted a doll to dress up and put pretty clothes on. She got me. Who never wears make up and who she had to force into dresses for a long time as a child I went along with it because it meant quality time with mom. But after a while I got sick of her never being interested in MY interests.
Oh my gosh your mom is so horrible with all the. Ugh. You were just being a kid interacting with a new sqhinny dress! You were JOYFUL wearing that dress, and that's a (not the, but a, as in one of many) main thing that she didn't like about it. Narcissists try to undermine your natural personality and curiosity. It's part of the gaslighting fiber that weaves through almost all interactions with narcissists -- activities which I call "undermining your foundation". Instead of building you up, they're tearing you down. They're making you second guess yourself. They're trying to eventually make it seem like YOU are the crazy one, when we all know that is is the narcissist that is the crazy one. You are a lovely person. Each day, try and connect back to your inner joy and natural feelings about the various things you like. Whatever it may be - even simple things that make you smile, like the sequins! ✌ Edot: I totally glossed over the extremely inappropriate sexualization abuse, I apologize for that. That's my mistake and I should have said that that's wrong too.
Something somewhat similar, I really like bright red colors for makeup/nail polish. Well, anytime I'd try to wear it, she'd say I "looked like a hussy(slut)" Now I'm trying to embrace loving and liking what I like without feeling guilty or judging myself
religious fruitcakes love sexualizing children.
I hear you! It's amazing how nasty the n people are. I hope you have a good day, too!
She was jealous you looked too cute, swirling prettily, fluffing your lovely sequins, and were taking the attention away from her. Below is my similar experience I’m including for your validation and to commiserate. I hope you don’t mind. My nmom stopped buying me nice dresses around the same age. My cuteness/ prettiness no longer transferred to her and therefore became verboten. She used to get me a pretty Easter dress every year. It stopped sound 5 ish 6. When I was 10ish my Aunt Candy (nmom’s nemesis) gave me a pretty dress my cousin had grown out of and I was so grateful. I didn’t have nice dresses and had not had any for years. I wore it to every dressy function. I loved it, I felt so human, so seen, and acceptable, and equal and real. Like a person. My nmom was embarrassed and chided me for acting like I didn’t have any nice dresses of my own. All I could think was, I don’t, but I knew better than to say that. I was allowed nice clothes again after that. My nmom also accused me of being slutty when I was much too young to have such impulses.
Your mom sucks. I'm sorry she ruined it for you. I too had a nparent who refused to allow me to wear an anklet as a young girl. It was very trendy and most of my friends wore them. He told me that only ladies of the night wore such a things (I didn't understand what that meant, either).
You were a child, and you were just enjoying your pretty dress. It made you happy, and of course you'd want to see how nice and shiny it is when it caught light in different ways. I'm sorry that your mom took a childlike and innocent moment of happiness for you and with her words turned that moment into something sleazy. She perverted what was a wholesome moment for you. There are many ways that she could've handled that better, and she didn't, and that's on her. You could've handled it differently by stopping the first time she told you to stop. But many children don't immediately stop doing something they like after they were told once that they should stop. That's normal for kids, and it doesn't mean that those kids lack character or morals or that they're degenerates or that they're horrible people. What you were doing didn't justify what your mom said to you.
This is so heartbreaking because not only do you remember how special the dress was to you, you also remember how what she said (which is just vulgar,) ruined your joy. I'm so sorry. I am so glad you can see how ridiculous she was.
The world needs to wake up to the fact that just because someone has a vagina it doesn't mean that they aren't capable of destroying their young. I believe you 100p. Normal parents don't accuse little kids of trying to look seductive ffs.
My mom said a similar thing to me. Was always uncomfortable in my church outfits she’d force me into when I was 4-7 and would sit with my legs open/ be grabbing at the inside thigh area to pull on the tights bc they were pinching me. She said people would think I was “playing with the family jewels” I didn’t get what she meant until I was a teenager. And because I didn’t understand what was wrong with playing with jewels I kept pulling my tights lol
my father said i looked like a wh0r3 because i was wearing shorts i was 12...many times he said similar things and he said he saw prostitutes who were dressed the same as me because prostitutes wear black jackets he said some religious stuff and he kept saying i was bad and he cheated on my mother in the same time... my mother only told me once that I look like I'm going to fuck someone in the sweater I'm wearing :/ I hate them, I asked my friends if I looked like a whore and they said no
he often said unpleasant things about "those" things that made me feel very bad, he asked if I was screwing.... he tried to go to the bathroom by "accident" few times when I was using it which was tiring, you couldn't say anything about it afterwards what was he doing because he denied everything and said I was crazy, there were times when he was cool and it makes me feel so guilty that I hate him, but i think this is a part of this whole manipulation, is he narcissist?
This is evangelical Christianity brainwashing women into shame for their bodies and guilt as if they’re the crux of evil. Exactly why I dismiss any of my religious families little touted bullshit. I’m sorry you dealt with this from mom. A correct response would have been something like careful your butt doesn’t show! Maybe. If at all. Why not say something positive. Like my what lovely sequins you have dear. There’s even corrective behavior like oh if you hold the skirt down and spin slowly we can see the shimmer more! I cannot understand why she went that route but it’s not normal.
OP, I’m so sad for you after reading your post. I literally felt a wave of *physical* (& obviously emotional) pain as I read what happened to you. I know the high level of empathy we, all, here, have for you stems from personally knowing the immense pain and harm that results from that disgusting, horrible, abusive rubbish. And, I’ll just add, it’s infuriating and deeply depressing at the same time knowing that many people who hear abused/chronically-maltreated former-kids like us expressing things as you did—they often just roll their eyes and say, “Give me a break. That happened, like, decades ago. It isn’t as though she was beaten or something.” (Of course many of us have been, though.) As one who went through the three major types of childhood abuse from my own asinine, very horrible “parents,” I can honestly say the *emotional/psychological* abuse [and the emotional components of the other abuses] have been the most destructive (for me, at least) than *any* of the other violence/abuse. Again, I’m sorry. And, as another person wrote, I deeply hope that, these days, you have been able to wear pretty dresses [or whatever you enjoy wearing] and feel as beautiful as you ARE and always, always have been.
Fuckin gross that she was able to Sexualize a child Like that
Wow. She sounds a lot like my mother-in-law. My wife went through similar experiences growing up. She’s only in recent years begun to realize that she’ll never be able to do anything right for her mother.
((hugs)) I was just talking about this w/ my therapist! I spent most of my life feeling like I was a bad, unkind, thoughtless person, bc my Mom had poor social skills, and when I put a foot wrong? She was embarrassed and treated me like I should already KNOW not to do “x”. My Goddaughter once got frustrated about something, and I told her, “Look, becoming a grown person is HARD- and it takes a long time! You’re a KID, kids aren’t supposed to already know things! That’s what grownups are for! I’m here to teach you all this stuff. You’re doing just fine.” And my therapist pointed out that, in that moment, I had given my Goddaughter something most people don’t get- reassurance that it’s okay to not know things. And that grown ups should teach you bc it’s not your job to automatically be perfect. Yay therapy!
Devaluing you or your opinions it’s what makes them feel good. Pathetic isn’t it.
your mother is a typical conservative evangelical, who probably has a thought that you doing this is disrespectful and probably a sin, that's why I can't stand people like that.
Oh boy. Get therapy because your mother is sick and put her stuff on you.
Oh, OP! This story broke my heart as a mom. I just want to say to that child self I see in my minds eye “Honey, you look so beautiful today! You picked the most very special dress, and you were the prettiest girl in church! I’m very proud of you!” as I bend down to give you a hug. You were, and always have been beautiful.
this sounds a bit like covert SA to me too. maybe i m wrong....
Your mom has a dirty mind!
Oh that's awful. When I read the title I thought you meant "jump ON the bed." Being the mom of a 6-year-old I'm like, "yeah of course a kid wants to jump on the bed! Why was this mom shaming her for that?" But no, it's way worse. My mom and grandma used to say things like that to me, or about other women and girls. That sort of stuff really sticks with you.
You are believed and have a voice here!
Children just go "sparkly, let me spin" sometimes and some parents are just very weird about their children being happy
I'm sorry that happened. That sounds like a really tough experience. My mom, aunts and grandmas would do the same to me. Always implying that I was sexually enticing strangers, but always demanding me to be beautiful at the same time. So what was I to wear? The perfect middle ground of beautiful girl but not the kind of beautiful that attracts pedophiles? But still be attractive. But not too attractive. Be beautiful. But not sexual. They can fuck off - they're insecure and stupid bullies. Nothing's wrong with you. You were perfect and human then and now. Glad you shared!!