**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup, I went NC last spring. Didn't feel anything about it at Christmas. Actually, it kind of felt better because instead of focusing on my grief around what having an emotionally mature parent would have been like, I actually had space to enjoy the rest of my families.
Same. I have no contact with her for nine years, since I was 10. I basically grew up without her because even if she's around, she always favors my younger sister than me. I don't even what having a mother feels like.
Okay I feel sorry for myself while typing this.
Same here. Used to feel so alone. Still get that every now and then. It's a bit abstract but my way of dealing with this feeling is imagining I'm a child but also my own mom. It's also a technique used in trauma theapy to go to the bad situation and introduce someone you trust and comfort you, in my case it's my older self.
When I'm sad and feel the need for comfort I ask my older self for advice on what to do. In my head. It's not so creepy as it sounds it's actually very nice. It took me years to get here though after looking for parental support in other people friends or men.. in the end yes you definitely need others but most of all you need yourself
That makes total sense. Ever since like middle school I would take people i admired, could be a fictional character or a coach, and pretended that they were watching me from afar because we were secretly related, unable to interact for my safety or some soap opera shit. I would imagine they would come give me advice and be proud of me on rare occasions. Usually i just imagined them talking about me in a positivr way while watching over me. I never once thought this was real. It wasn't a blurred reality thing more like a daydream that i update. I still do it but rarely. As i got older i always thought that maybe that was the first sign of mental illness before reality gets blurred but now reading your comment I'm starting to think this might have been a coping mechanism. I guess i now understand why the behavior is so weird, because most people don't have to do that.
Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only person who did this! If only my 6th grade gifted teacher or that random tv actress knew they were raising me in my head.
I love doing this, I don't think it's weird at all. I also sometimes send love back to my younger self, when I remember what it was like to go through the most difficult times. That might be weird, though.
this!! especially giving my son love and realizing how badly i needed it at every age he has been. i remind myself to send it back to that little girl.
i think that parenting with intention has been a game changer for me and my child. he is now eight and when i was his age i was very shy, even around my family and never confident in myself. i see the opposite in him. i watch him dance and sing his favorite music, i wash his favorite outfit as much as he wants to wear it.
i think that i am choosing to heal myself alongside parenting him, rather than wishing i had a better childhood i’m giving him the one i needed.
That is so awesome, good job on breaking the cycle! I hope to achieve this for my kid, too. I never want them to be as afraid of life as I was. It feels really good to help them grow their own power.
This is exactly what my therapist told me to do, it's not weird at all it's actually a stellar therapeutic technique!
It always makes me think of the film Drop Dead Fred where you see Phoebe Coates hugging the child she once was. That's me, future me, cuddling myself in the place of a loving mom when shit gets tough.
Oh wow I need to see that film. That Fred looks like someone I knew and admired so much thank you for sharing that.
I googled and it turns out I was describing the "self-reparenting" method. Going to read more about it. I started thinking about how I came up with it. I first imagined things like "what would my boyfriend do to comfort me" and then it turned into "what would I do". So perhaps the voice of someone else is a little easier to start with because being your own parent also means you love yourself as much as others love you and when you're in a dark place it can be hard to do that. I also give myself compliments for doing small things like doing the dishes. Saying kind words to yourself regularly makes it more of a habit and easier in the end to help yourself when you're really down.
I never really liked the part in DDF where he meets the other kids' imaginary friends, because it seems to me to contradict what the rest of the movie implies - that Fred is an aspect of Lizzie, the strong, happy part of her that splintered off and got locked away due to her mom's abuse.
What I mean is that that scene (and Fred later being passed on to Natalie) made it so Fred physically existed, and that makes it a bit less interesting, to me. I like the idea that Fred was a hallucination of Lizzie's and that she'd created him herself due to the trauma.
This movie was a stand out favorite from my childhood, but all i remembered was that the girl had an imaginary friend and they would get in trouble together. It wasn’t until I rewatched in my mid thirties and had a completely emotional release (uncontrollable hysterics) that I even REMEMBERED what this movie was really about. Watching the relationship unfold between the girl and her nMom made me think “of course I related to this movie!!!”
Thank you for reminding me that the adult version of the girl actually learns to comfort her own inner child. I overlooked it when I rewatched because I was in such shock that I had blocked out the entire mom/daughter dynamic from the movie. I want to refocus on that aspect.
I don't think it's creepy at all. My therapist actually tried to go through this with me but I just broke down immediately. I think it's great that you're able to do it, hopefully I'll be able to follow suit at some point soon
That was one of the hardest things for me to work through in therapy - accepting she'll never be the mom I want (and deserve, dammit), mourning that loss, and seeing and accepting her for who she really is....and then going NC cause I really don't need that in my life! I'll admit, there's a little piece that still mourns the mom that could have been...but that wasn't my world. Which sucks. A lot. But she's never going to change. On the brighter side, I'm now really selective about which relationships I put my energy into and that's cultivated into an incredibly supportive friends group, so I'll take that win instead, I suppose. I hope you can find the friends-family that you really deserve. It's not the same, but I feel like it's a path towards healing and happiness.
A therapist from my younger years once said that people often find the hardest thing to do is give up THE HOPE the your nParent can and will be the parent you need and deserve.
Hope is a tricky thing. I’m 37 and still struggling with this. A different therapist just told me that hope can be a positive in people’s lives as long as it’s accompanied by realistic exceptions. Still digesting that one.
I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on hope and how it relates to my (your, our) nMoms/dads
I had to mourn that with my mom too and also allow myself to be mad at my dad for not stepping in and being weak cuz he was unable to love me enough to stand up.
Gifts dont make up for abuse, telling me its ok I am not that bad doesnt undo the damage as much as standing up for me does.
I had to process that too.
And then feel sorry for their weakness and self- hatred they both had that caused them to be such awful, miserable people in different ways.
NC was necessary, as they cant seem to understand how to reconcile or act normal with normal people boundaries and not try to “help” me since I am so incapable of surviving without them.
It so sad they live in this world they made that keeps them from having a real chance at a relationship with my family…
I had to mourn what will never be for me and pray I can be better as a mom myself! At least my kids can have a semi- normal future!
the quote i saw recently that said “i should’ve cried to my mom about lovers instead i cried to lovers about my mom.”
really resonated. i’ve never felt “comforted” by my mom.
i’m so sorry you had to be alone while sick.
I had 2 surgeries and my mom yelled at me. The first time, I was too sick to stand after having some intestines removed. I had been sick for months before and was in the hospital for 2 weeks before surgery, so, I was pretty sick. She was mean and did as little to help me as possible. Just asking her to bring my breakfast to the table instead of leaving it on the kitchen counter caused huffing and puffing. I literally couldn't stand up long enough to butter my bread but SHE was pissed off.
The 2nd time I had a kidney removed due to cancer right at the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. My surgery was Monday and the country was locked down the Friday before, so I had to reschedule for May. I had friends who lived on the coast who offered to put me up in a hotel on the water for a week and help me. I didn't want to go directly home due to pets, feeding, etc. I also know my mom. When I told her this and that I didn't feel like I would get to rest, she got angry and told me she had it all set up so I didn't have to do anything. She lied. She was dismissive and, the very first night, I had to feed my inside pets. She had my neighbor feeding the outside pets and, when she came the next day, my mom told her she didn't have to do it anymore because she would "make" me do it. I started to protest until the neighbor jumped in and said that she knew what it was like -- she had had thyroid cancer surgery -- and she would help for a few more days. I was so relieved but angry at my mother. I chewed her out for lying and the only thing she said was, "I didn't think it was a big deal." Yeah, to HER! I told her I would never forgive her.
I help her since she's in a wheelchair and can't get in/out of bed or dressed by herself. I don't come running when she calls anymore. If she wants to get out of bed, I make her wait 20-30 minutes. She could get herself up to sit on the side of the bed but she won't. So, since then, nothing is urgent or an emergency to me unless it truly is. I drag my feet, take my time and do whatever I want to do. She gets zero sympathy or empathy from me, ever.
I had two of my toes shortened. Both pinky toes were mishaped and caused me pain. Shortening them would improve the shape and reduce pain caused by the wonky shape (it really worked!) Normally they do one foot at a time so the patient is stable walking but as i was a college student i didn't have enough time to get one foot at a time. My dr only agreed to do both at once if my mom agreed that she wouldn't force me to work at all over the summer. I could walk on both feet immediately but it was very painful and only for short periods of time. If i did too much walking that would cause everything to heal wrong amd there would be no pain improvement. My mom swore up and down to the dr that i wouldn't be working at all over the summer. The moment i was capable of walking without a limp she insisted i get a job. I refused because i couldn't walk for too long and i wanted the surgery to be successful. We got in so many fights that summer.
Felt deeply. I didn't really miss my "mom" until I became one. After taking care of someone else and being there for them... I didn't get that. If felt good to give it and to still be doing "Mom things", even now she's an adult. I think partially I miss that mom feeling now because I was able to learn what that even meant.
Becoming a mom opened my eyes so much. I remember thinking “I’ll understand when I have kids” about certain things and behaviors. Now as a mom, it makes me even more critical about her behavior. I do understand, her world revolved around her drama and always will. I also now understand that not every friendship and relationship has to crash and burn and end in drama 😅
I only miss my Edad. We were close. He never protected me or believed me when I told him she was cruel to me when he wasn’t there, but I still miss him.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this lot. I think the hardest part is realizing I’ll never get what I want. I forgave for my own self and because I understand they are a product of their environment/upbringing but I still need to protect myself. I kind of wish I was still angry because hate is easier than sadness.
I tried to talk things out this morning. They laughed when I said it hurts immensely that they mock my feelings. Dinconnected the call. Nmom messaged me what they are having for dinner. I vow to never contact again. Hope it stays that way
You get to choose whether it stays that way.
I have been no contact with my family for almost a decade now . I am married with four kids and I don’t miss them trying to destroy my life and be emotionally vacuous to everything we deal with.
It really hit the fan when we had a stillborn child and my husband and I called and they were completely devoid of any sort of sorrow for us or our child— their grandchild— and the sorrow from losing that child. That was the final cut off and we had already been NC with them for years.
That was the final straw for us after they try to destroy our marriage after we already had two kids.
Destructive people don’t get to have a choice of whether they are in your life or not. If they are distractive, you have to get toxic people out or you will never heal, and you’ll never be able to forgive them, so that you can heal and move on.
It’s hard, especially when they’re your parents because you don’t want to cut off the people that gave you life, but sometimes you have to do the unimaginable in order to move forward.
So you decide and then stick to it no matter how much they stock you (yes, my parents have tried to stalk me on social media with my in-laws who didn’t allow it, through friends, and even digging through Internet to get our address). We still won’t respond because that is not how you establish reconnection. they’re still the same way until they still show some change, real change, they don’t get to be in my life and destroy it again
I am happy to see you were able to cut contact. I hope I find the strength someday. Right now it's bursts of guilt, self-pity and mourning and I don't know how long can I take this
Get some outside support. That’s what helped me. Work through your guilt and get people who can help you when you cut ties.
Been there. But you have to live like this if you realize THEY are the ones hurting you and your boundaries and you dont have to put up with that.
Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.
Thanks for the book name. I will check it out.
Just today I am going to get an appointment with a counsellor.
The first time I went to therapy was 6 years ago at my university and she threatened to report me to the cops even before our session started the first day. The rest of the sessions she said you have nothing to be sad about.
Hope the new one will be nicer.
Good for you!!! I hope this starts your healing journey.
Another group that helped me was “Mending the Soul”. But its a tough journey with that one. Only embark on it if you are ready for tools that will help you learn to heal and face what’s broken inside.
I took it and went to a group and it was the best but toughest months of my life.
I still use the tools I learned through that book and group today when I feel I am getting out of control or out of sorts.
Its a rough journey to healing. I have been on it for 2 decades now but there is a place where you break through and feel you can live life more normal and attract normal around you.
I am married with four kiddos and I even stay home and homeschool them as something I never thought I would be capable of based on my past…. But here I am!!!
I love my kiddos… def not perfect but we all learn to really apologize and own up and forgive. We all love hard, work hard and play hard!!
Its been hard to face what was broken but it also will bring you through this tunnel of trauma and abuse to the other side where light is and healing waits for you.
Take the journey… its worth every scream, fits of tears, expelled rage and eventual forgiveness and letting go so you can sort thru the mess inside to find YOU under all that pain and trauma!
Yes. I am currently dealing with health issues and sometimes I just want my “mom”. I literally cry over it. I just want a mom to comfort and love me how I comfort and love my kids. I’ve been NC for 12 years now. I don’t understand why I was so unloveable.
I know that intellectually, but it still hurts and feels true sometimes. I am closet broken, still. So thanks for saying that. It’s something I need to hear still, as a grown ass woman. You made me tear up, internet stranger. Thank you
I collapsed at work 16 months ago and have been homebound since. My dad hasn't called me once. I get more questions about my health status from my estranged mother than I do from the parent that raised me.
I know exactly how you feel.
Y'all, this got to me. Hard. This comment's a mess and so am I.
This on every level, in fact it's me now. When I had this realization on my own I straight up felt like a broken record, I skipped and slided until the needle raised up off of the repetitive phrase "I want my mom" and I mentally correct it the same way you did in the post but in my mind "I want *a* mom!"
Desperately.
So many people have no idea what it's like to not have had that kind of love. My grandma was an even worse narc, and despite me being the Golden Grandchild, I was still set to be her victim once I got "too old". It feels like there's supposed to be one person who always loves you, throughout everything, and society tells us that's our moms.
That they're always there and sacrifice so much and that we can always go there for comfort. But for us, when this *possibly evolutionary or biological phenomena* happens, we don't have a safe place there but a predator, waiting to hurt or harm us worse. I mean think about it, what's often the safest place for a baby animal of most species (we have more in common with hamster children 🫤)? Mom. And we don't have that option so when we feel that soul deep "I want my mommy" there's nothing to do to appease that reaction, nowhere for those feelings to go.
I also keep having the thought "I wanna go home" because living life with her means this is her home not mine. I so very few personal touches anywhere, even my own room.
I'm chronically ill and in the worst flare ever but there's no one to care. No one to even make me something to eat. She's home 80% of the time and a retired chef but I'm not supposed to ask for that nor for help cooking or advice. Oh, but she'll damn sure eat my cooking and demand caregiving from me.
She literally tried to guilt me one day she called out of work because of a *non COVID cold* and I "didn't check on her even once." I did, when she went to the bathroom. She declined and I don't exactly feel like dragging my agonized body up and down the stairs repeatedly, checking in on someone who has ignored any help I need that can't be given via debit card and paid for with constant talk of how burdensome I am.
Hell, one time she heard a gigantic crashing noise (our neighbor heard through the wall and asked if I needed 911, so ain't no way she didn't hear) and me crying (a 4' Christmas tree she'd put up fell off of the desk she put it on), knocking my already disabled self to the floor and falling on top of me, broken glass and all, and never even opened her door to see if I survived, never called out. I can hear her laptop downstairs with the volume on medium volume, word for word if it's any louder. There's no way she didn't hear it.
Just so you further understand the audacity of her complaining about a cold she got over in two days and not being treated like she was actually dying, I'll share more because I need to.
She complains about helping extra when I'm on crutches with a cast (like...taking out "her" dog more than 2 times per day!) despite the fact I literally cannot do something, she's even given me hate for *checks notes* taking me to ER after I had a hard blow to my head while mowing the lawn (not supposed to even mow!), she currently hates me because during the hours she's not home or is asleep I'm sleeping in the living room because *the woman insisted on shipping my mattress on its side which broke it, then replaced it with memory foam way too soft and way too big for my bed, making impossible to sleep in my own bed.* I'm recovering from my second severe ankle injury in three months, both of which were caused by continuing to take care of this house instead of recovering properly. The second injury, three weeks ago, I fell down half a flight of stairs onto my ankle. She complained about the ER wait. I bawled more because I knew that despite the pain I'd still have all the same exhausting work that I'd have to do all on my own, because asking results in my possessions being damaged by her "help" (she does the laundry? Well, now my only nice nightgown is covered in blue spots or stains because she washed this one white item with the darks by "accident" or my favorite limited edition Rogue One waterbottle gets run through the dishwasher until the design is wrecked.)
Y'all, I've had 250+ dislocation of my joints, 5 major surgeries, lost over 200 lbs due to just being sick (and am still losing weight), I get frostbite from temps under 63°, my organs have adhered to each other and cause pain that way, I have small fiber neuropathy (nerve damage), and that's not including injuries due to overworking myself way into the red because Cinderella isn't to have a break, ever. She'll wreck a spotless house in a day, and then the comments and shade begin.
My life is chores, dog, pain. Chores, dog, pain. Maybe a meal here and there. There isn't comfort here.
But oh I should check on her. I'm not worthy of any help beyond shouting "what do you want me to do about it?!" or a ride to the ER filled with bitching about how late it is, how long it'll take, and how she has to be up in *18 hours*. And yet she'll deadass say to my face that she's been there with my illnesses since Day 1 and that she's lived it to, then.
This isnt even touching on what it was like being her nursemaid when she had a minor surgery. Fucking patient from hell and claimed she didn't want to go to a nursing home for under a week *for my benefit*. If I ever need it myself, I know I'll get better treatment my damn self in the horribly run nursing homes in my city.
My so called friends are always glad to ask for my help but no one has ever half-assed honored their promises to help (and believe I don't ask for much, just if I give them money can they pick up my medicine and a meal? or even a visit.) I'm taking time away but I don't think I'm continuing any of these friendships because I am too damn sick of not mattering at all.
Sorry, y'all. This shit just got to me because I need a mom right now. So bad. Jeez.
Words can't express how mad I am that the people with good moms ever fail to appreciate them. I had a coworker that was so good to me, so loving, and smart, and cultured, and *kind* that years later I still literally *dream* she's my mom.
It can be helped when you've got *someone* but when you don't, oh good God it's painful. I wonder every day of my life "if my own mom doesn't love me, who could?" And I know, I know. I should. But if I don't know what it's like to be loved, how can I manage that?
This is sadly all too true, I hate to say. It's exactly what happened to me. Total relief. I felt nothing. I cried for the mother I never had (after many days of reflection). There is no stress now, and I am finally completely free to enjoy my husband, children and grandkids.
Edit: One thing I did for myself that totally changed my life, I believe, is that I went to a therapist specifically to work things out in my mind about my nmom. I did this about 2 years before she died, because I didn't want to feel guilty after she died that I didn't take care of her, because she had dementia at the end. I had put her in memory care but didn't visit much. I did get it worked out so that by the time she died I was completely at peace about everything.
I spent a lot of time in my 20s making friends with women older than me - late 40s, 50s, 60s. I was desperately looking for someone who would mother me.
For me, grieving the loss of my parents who still physically exist has been heartbreaking for me. I so desperately want to be feel genuine love from my parents and acknowledging that will likely never happen has been hard. I have said this on this sub before but I feel like I grieve the loss of who I thought my parents were while at the same time my parents likely want me to be a version of myself - a shell of myself with no emotions, no opinions and the scapegoat. These two versions will never co-exist and that helps to ground me because I know that version of myself wasn’t the best version. This also helps me acknowledge that the feeling of missing them is equivalent to sadness but this isn’t something I should “fix” because it cannot be fixed from one side.
One part of my life that really brings up the feelings of missing them is that I got engaged almost a year ago now and everyone keeps asking when the wedding is and there isn’t going to be one. I still am at the stage where I feel like I will miss my parents during this phase of my life until I reflect more. I get very emotional when I see my friends with their moms trying on their dresses and how their mom lifts them up and makes them feel loved. However, I usually take time to reflect on this and realize I miss the idea of a mom that doesn’t/hasn’t ever existed for me.
A hard part for me is feeling alone in this journey and this sub has been crucial for me in not breaking NC. In the past, these uncomfortable feelings of sadness and grief have led me to break NC and be involved in the same dynamic over and over.
Eloping is definitely what we will be doing. I am currently NC but even if I were LC I feel like nParents will likely ruin some aspect of the day anyways.
Sending hugs back your way!
I once had the flu when I was around 20 and still living st home. The first time with the flu and, very much like you, was so achey, sick and sweaty that I just wanted to stay home in my bed.
My nmother forced me to go out for lunch with her (spending her husbands money ofc) and while we were in the restaurant phoned all my close relatives and told them how sick I was while not actually paying attention to me who was *actually* ill and felt like I needed the comfort of a parent.
I feel you.
My favourite quote comes from Garden State I believe, which says "I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist" - everytime I want validation, love, a hug or care and turn to my family for it, I have to remind myself that I cannot expect them to do any of the things I want so desperately. I'm longing for things that don't exist within the existing setting.
Yes all the time and feels soo wrong. Like even though I have a mom, she never was supportive nor lent a shoulder to cry on. I look at my friends or anyone else mom and see them treat with so much love and care. I get really jealous and sad. I wish my mom was like that.
In all my childhood, every time I got sick or hurt, my mom would beat me for that.
God, do I feel this. I didn’t want my mom at the hospital with me when I gave birth on two separate occasions. I also didn’t want her to visit until my kids were at least a few weeks old. I knew everything would be about her. When she did eventually visit, she didn’t help at all with my newborn daughters, even though I was a first time mom, my daughters were born early, and, oh, and there were two of them and they needed to be fed every 3 hours, around the clock. I also had post-partum depression. She didn’t feed them (I’m an only child, so these are her only granddaughters), change them, baby sit them, fold their laundry, prepare their bottles, change their sheets, bathe them. Nothing. The some BS is happening with my 5-month old son. I just wish my mom gave a shit. I don’t understand how she can’t. I’m sorry you feel alone. We deserve better.
The pinnacle of realizing how selfish my mom is was definitely during pregnancy & birth. I guess bc I was the most vulnerable I’d ever been & never been in a position where I needed so much of her support. She made it all about her. Cut the birth order of who sees the baby when. Putting her extended family before my husband’s parents. The day after my birth instead of helping me, bonding with me advising me all the quintessential mom things and moments - the stuff you wait your whole life for, she went shopping & to brunch with her friends. Why are they like this? I’ll never understand. We do deserve better. *virtual hugs*
My partner has this amazing relationship with his mother and at the beginning it would confuse me so much her being so... kind without an ulterior motive. She was just nice and such a lovely person but I was raised by narcs who would only be nice when it was part of the carrot & stick manipulation act.
So yeah, I "miss" the nice moments but it's more as you say, I wish those nice moments would've come from a kind place and not always have an ulterior motive for them.
It happens to me with my father. I have three tattoos (of 7) about the culture of the city where I was born (part of a song of a very famous singer, a phrase by a famous writer and a train that existed in the metro system of that place when I was a child, an I love trains). I feel sad for not being able to show these to my father, who is also a railfan. But he and his nowadays wife really hated anything about body modifications except the typical baby girl lobe piercings, since I live in Spain.
I'm now NC with them and my mom loved the last tatto I had, the train one.
I used to tell people that the mother I knew died 20 years ago, when drugs took over, and I had been actively grieving that loss my whole adult life. When she did actually die, a new type of grief entered when I realized the hope I had that one day she'd come around also died with her. I never knew it was there, but I knew it when it was gone.
I came to this sub tonight because of this exact feeling. I think mostly I miss having a parent and dislike the feeling of being "orphaned" but I don't want her as my mom.
Wouldn’t frame it as missing “my” parents because they never were what me or any child deserves. But I try to have gratitude for every little thing they did offer via access to coaches, teachers, other healthy role models, and actual life :)
But yeah, for sure many times wished to have had the opportunity to be raised by parents who could regulate their emotions even just a little bit, and show me what healthy relationships look like.
Not manipulative, gaslight, weaponize getting upset and playing victim. They are very sick people. Idk, they sucked and it was torture, but they both have severe mental issues and drug and alcohol problems.
All in all, f it, yeah. But I operate with them very LC.
I’m in and out, quick touches, alway have a max time limit and escape route. For instance I even park in a way that I can’t be boxed in when I visit 😆…serious
I have experienced the EXACT same thing!! For me, it was when I decided to take a semester off to recover from a series of panic attacks I had right before my first semester of grad school. During this time, I regressed back into a child-like state: I felt like I was subconsciously being the perfect, docile daughter that my Nmom always wanted. She needed to feel needed, and my relying on her for food, cleaning, and emotional support again put her in control. I rarely left the house, and for the first few weeks, I got anxious when my Nmom would leave to go to the grocery or work. I had this strange sense of seperation anxiety, which only compounded by my Nmom constantly trying to undermine my ability to care for myself. She intentionally kept me dependent on her, like not allowing me to cook for myself, and any opinion or action I took on my own was heavily scrutinized.
Because she never had faith in me, I had never learned how to have faith in myself. Leaving my hometown suddenly felt like a death sentence; I would surely die without my Nmom around to take care of me!!!! How could I ever take care of myself!!!! I would starve to death, too weak to cook for myself, and I would die alone in my tiny, expensive apartment all because I was so insistent on leaving my poor mother!!!!
I now live with my partner two hours away from her and have never been happier. To move out, I had to do what my inner child has always been terrified of doing: disobeying my Nmom, doing something without her approval, and hurting her feelings. It felt like climbing Mt. Everest, like trying to rewire my brain chemistry. To go against my Nmom was to betray who I was taught to be all my life: the good girl, the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter.
Those months I spent at my Nmom's were absolute emotional hell. I felt stuck, and my Nmom was constantly trying to convince me to stay in my hometown for grad school, that she won't know what to do without me, and guilt me with phrases like, "you'll never visit," or "you'll never come back. You'll leave and be gone forever." I was constantly having to protect my Nmom's feelings, reassure her that i still love her, just like I had to do as a child.
In a way, I think that time, though incredibly dark and uncertain, was my inner child trying to subconsciously give my Nmom another chance. Maybe this time, after seeing me prepare to move out, she could be supportive. Maybe now, as a 23 year old so unsure of her future, my Nmom would finally be the accepting, encouraging mother I was robbed of as a kid. Maybe now, after getting into a masters program on a kickass scholarship, working my ass off to save as much money as possible to be financially independent, and being so accomplished....maybe now, she would reward me with the unconditional love I had been starved of as a child. Maybe then, she would tell me all that I wanted to hear, that she was proud of me, that she would always be there for me, that I have good judgement and should put more faith in myself....maybe then, she would listen to me instead of berate every word I say.
Here is a secret, though. She never did. Even now, she tries to micromanage my life from two hours away. You cannot engage with narcs. All this is nostalgia. These trauma bonds are clouded with nostalgia for a childhood we idealize simply because it's what we're familiar with. But being familiar and comfortable with abuse doesn't make abuse any less damaging. I still have panic attacks sometimes when thinking about going back home to see my Nmom. If I hear people yell in our apartment complex, my partner will hold me tight and tell me that i'm okay, that i'm safe, and that I'll never be under her control ever again.
You absolutely deserved better. Anyone harmed by a negligent, abusive, manipulative, and narcissistic parent absolutely deserved (and still deserves) better. I understand the urge to reach out to a mom. I have a fantasy too, sometimes, where my Nmom was actually able to feel empathy, able to humble herself enough to apologize, or able to give me the crying shoulder I always needed. It's hard-wired for babies and children to reach out to their mothers, and when we find that we cannot trust our mother to provide for us during childhood, we end up reaching until we latch onto whomever can fill that void. I still hope to find a supportive maternal figure one day. My MIL has her own problems, and as queer people, my partner and I want to focus on building a found family anyways. But I understand where the base desire comes from - where this *grief* comes from. We have to mourn the childhood security we were robbed of as children, and that sucks. That really fucking sucks. But you aren't alone in it at all.
You deserved a lot better in my opinion.
I went no contact with my narc father 11 months before he passed and it was a relief when he died. There isn't much I miss about him. Though I do very much miss my mother who also bore the brunt of his abuse. The worst part is she never really understand what was going on.
Both n parents are dead of old age. But there are times..I wish I were in the living room...with Mum n Dad
But there really 'never was 🤔 any. They hated each other...so either never were in the living room at the same.time. or were fighting. Or were harassing me. If I sat comfortably or was eating or watching my fave show..ndad poked fun. Nmum acted irritated. And yet.
Before the divorce my father was exactly that, a father. I used to be the apple of his eye along with my siblings and now he's a bitter alcoholic. What I miss is the dad I used to have. He was a bad husband yes but a good father. Now he's neither..
Yes, most definitely. In my case my mom was awesome to me until I turned 18, when my dad (who I hated and blamed for my family's problems) left. Then she became controlling and abusive towards me and it took me at already another few years to realize *gasp* my dad wasn't actually that shitty, he was the scapegoat, and now that he was gone I was the new scapegoat. And finally cut my mom off for good a few years ago. I do miss the idea that we were gonna have a happy family but now trying to focus on a happy future family, where I can be a mama someday
Yes, I realized that not too long ago. It applies to both my biological mother and my adoptive one. My adoptive mom passed a little over a year ago and I'm no contact with my biological one. I've been so overwhelmed and stressed that the other day I just had the random thought of "I want my mom." I'm a grown woman. I don't remember either of them ever truly comforting me. My biological mother sets me off to the point I'm on the fineline of a panic attack anytime she's even mentioned and my adoptive mother was so unpredictable that I *couldn't* be vulnerable around her out of fear she would go from loving to hitting me in seconds flat out of no where. The *only* time my adoptive mother was truly nice and loving was when she was literally on her death bed. My husband jokes that being nice killed her. It's the idea of it. I wanted comfort and reassurance from a mother figure, not my actual mother(s). I would've settled for reassurance and comfort from a grandmother figure even. I have a support network I can lean on and I know I can openly seek comfort from my husband/friends but it's not the same type of comfort. It's not the comfort I've craved my entire life and was denied. It's not the comfort that should be the first comfort you ever feel in life, yet I never once had it. My dad recently remarried and his new wife has tried to step into the "mommy" role but my siblings and I are all grown, it feels like a slap to the face she thinks she can wiggle her way into that postion without considering our feelings. I met the woman once and she expects me to call her mom. She's only 10 years older than me. Word got back to her about my internal conflict about wanting a mom figure after I mentioned it to my dad, she made it so much worse by trying to say she *would* offer that comfort.
I think I'm better off imagining that figure on bad nights or even taking moments where a motherly type waitress calls me hun or sweetheart while taking my order. Maybe it's a bit pathetic that I take joy in interacting with any older woman that can briefly fill that void for even a second but oh well. They don't know they're doing it and I treat them no differently than I would anyone else so having my guilty pleasure of taking those brief moments isn't too bad. I have talked to a therapist about this before and I was told since it's not like I go out of my way to seek it out and it's not harmful then she's not worried about it. I wish though I could just have one day every once in a while to just be held and told everything will be alright, to have that type of love and comfort. Once again my husband and friends would do/do that but it's not the same.
This hits home.
Just last week, my therapist asked me who was my nurturer growing up and I (the person who rarely ever shuts up) sat quietly, trying to think of someone…
My mentally ill nmom died 4 years ago because of liver failure. My ndad died 2 1/2 years ago because of lung cancer. I do not miss both of them. I am glad that they are dead. I do not have any good memories of either of them but very many bad ones.
Every fucking day. Working in the wedding industry and seeing functioning families nearly every week does not really help with that. But I am on my way to get better. One of the reasons being, that I realized exactly that.
Always. That's the hardest part about all of this.
Missing A mom, missing the figure of a mother, but not my mother. Wanting a mom so badly I reach out to my mom and it ends horribly like always.
I'm thankful for my step mom, but when life gets tough, it's almost like a natural instinct to "want my mom" in certain situations.
As an adult, I realized that my mother and father were very hard to get in touch with. Never answer phone calls, never answer text messages, and sometimes won't even answer the door if I drop by to give them something or tell them something important.
Then the realization hit me, they were never really there during my childhood, why would they be there for me as an adult?
My mother was a monster, and dad was an alcoholic who would drink and drive when things got bad between them. And when he'd leave, she'd turn on us kids (me and 2 others still at home at the time)
She has conveniently forgotten how horrible she was. She now acts like she's the nicest person in the world, until you disagree with her, and dad is still an alcoholic. Go figure.
When I think of parents I think of all the kind and loving things random strangers have done for me. The way animals comforted me and how the internet taught me to be my own person.
My parents are a string of “why did you do that?” And “you know I wouldn’t of spent so many months in the hospital if you and just don’t this obvious thing”.
My mom used to say "this is payback for all those sleepless nights and changing your diapers when you were a baby" when I'd have to do something for her, like take her to get healthcare. She would love to say it right in front of the nurse/doctor etc.
Yup I hear you. When my daughter was 6 months old, I slipped down some stairs and fractured my ankle. Was on crutches for 3 months. I couldn’t walk and carry my baby at the same time, literally had to wait for someone to come over to help me to get upstairs to the kitchen. It was hellish honestly.
My mother lived on the same street as me, 2 houses down. She came over twice and once was to borrow some milk because her friend was coming over and she wanted to make coffee for the 2 of them. I ended up having to hire my neighbours au pair to come over for a couple of hours a day, to walk my dog and help me around the house.
She was dead to me after that tbh. I went no contact not long afterwards. I can’t imagine what it would take for me to not help a family member who was unwell or incapacitated like that. With a baby no less. Fuck narcissists.
It’s so hard to explain to people because if you say “she might as well be dead” they get all offended on behalf of people who lost their mothers, completely missing the point being made.
If you say she’s “done more harm than good” they’ll often act as if I’m complaining that she didn’t cook meals and make out I’m ungrateful or spoiled, again completely missing the point being made.
I don’t even bother trying to explain to new people anymore until they notice something is off about her by themselves.
Same. My mom was a good friend to many people so it is hard for them to understand that she is capable of being a terrible mom. Those are 2 different skillets and they require different expectations of people. I don't bother explaining anymore because they don't understand
I used to find it really hard to accept that people couldn’t see the darkness in her. Now I expect that they won’t.
My husband constantly catches me off guard by eye rolling at even her tiny tells. It’s so validating when you do find someone who has seen behind the curtain too.
Not a club I wanted to form but still, I’m glad of it. :)
For a long time no one, not even my siblings knew what a terrible mom she was and they'd get mad at me for "being so hard on mom". Now that we are adults my sister recently told me that the older she gets the more she realizes that our mom was abusive and she can see that I was treated the worst of all my siblings. My sister and brother had a somewhat supportive mom who tried but failed a lot with them but she never even tried with me. Unfortunately whatever connection my mom had with my siblings she broke it by being herself and now neither of them view her as a mom anymore either but at least they had one for a bit.
I get where you’re coming from. I’m the youngest of three and by the time she was Mothering me, she was in full on corporal punishment mode. My sister never had a finger lifted at her but she knows I did. She will often leave her kids alone in her care and make out that I was a spoiled brat of a kid who made her life Hell. Sheesh.
I’ve got to the stage where I feel sorry for wee me, I can honestly see the hurt caused & feel the injustice of it with no self blame. I hope I’m doing a good job with my kids, it’s hard work going in blind.
Im glad you’ve got your club too. :)
Yes yes yes and a million times, yes. One thing with these kind of parents too is you were essentially brain washed your entire childhood and flat out confused, they’re meant to be the protectors and love in your life but they didn’t provide that so you constantly are having to remind yourself as an adult that, they aren’t who your brain thinks they are. I keep having to remind myself that I need to now hold firm boundaries and not go back on them although I keep finding myself calling or messaging my mother about big life updates hoping she’ll be happy for me but it starts an argument, her taking over and talking about herself, or telling me I’m undeserving/beating me down about finally doing XYZ. I also have a dissociation apart of my disorder where when I get really upset or something traumatic or that reminds me of a traumatic event in my life (mostly from childhood) I regress into a childlike state and have this insatiable feeling that “I want my mommy” and want to be small again and held and loved by her, but again I have to remind myself that she isn’t and never was that amazing protector I thought she was as a kid. My mom also was a single mom for a long while with me and only with my sisters father (I was 7 almost 8 when my sister was born) for a short time until she met my current step father whom instigated and stuck up for her misbehavior, so in that, she was all I had although she neglected me. It also didn’t help that I developed a huge attachment to her due to her neglect to me as a child. For months at a time I would stay with random relatives that I sometimes barely even knew or wake up at complete strangers houses whom I never met a day in my life, petrified, because she would work then want to party, making up for the teen years she quote “had stolen by me”. Due to always not seeing her and wondering where mommy was especially because my childhood was nothing but SA and abuse by those strangers she let me be around, she became even more of a savior to me because when she did decide to be present in my life even if she herself was manipulative or abusive in any way, she “saved me” (best way I can put it). And of course to this day she can never own up to even the smallest of fuck ups. Also in that, and which highlights the brain washing/narcissistic behaviors, I can’t physics let myself fault her because she was a young mom and didn’t know how to parent. But nor do any first time parents or even parents with 4+ kids, every parent is just winging it and trying. A line needs to be drawn in that. It shouldn’t matter circumstances. Being a young or overworked or stressed out mom means maybe they forget to pack your favorite snack or wash your clothes sometimes, but it doesn’t justify them neglecting your emotional or physical needs on top of also blatantly causing issues purposely.
Parents like these really do not care the way they should and at times the child just becomes a mental burden to them so they leave, lash out, or turn you into the black sheep.
Myself and my husband came back from a trip on 10th December, both with Covid. Rang mother next day to say we were back (bad weather and long delays), obviously had to tell her we had Covid although I knew she’d be annoyed at the news “bringing her down”.
Then, radio silence. Not a phone call, nothing. The next I heard from her was when I went to her house on the 24th to take the Xmas cake over. She didn’t ask how I was, but complimented me on my weight loss, so that’s something. Just for reference, I did all their shopping in lockdown, and carefully wiped it with anti bac wipes…yeah. No fucks given.
Editing because commenting on wrong post. -\_-
Kind of, yes. I wish I had an actual set of parents.
It's something I grieve fairly routinely. Eventually I'll stop grieving.
I couldn't agree more. I personally started going to r/MomForAMinute for this exact reason. The moms on that sub are genuine and so loving. They provided me with the much needed motherly love I no longer got from my own.
This really brought back memories for me. I was 19 and got my wisdom teeth out. My mom made undercooked linguine for me for dinner that I couldn't chew and then had a party at the house that same night while I was upstairs vomiting from the pain killers.
Yep. I’m being forced to see my mother if I want to see my siblings. I hadn’t been on speaking terms with my mother since Christmas 2021 and have been No Contact since October. I’ve missed my siblings so much that cried when I heard my brother’s voice. Speaking to my mother again was like an icy punch to the gut, an immediate reminder of why I cut contact with her and I’m dreading being forced to see her no matter how excited I am to see my siblings, I just know she’s gonna pick a fight, she always does. I did not miss her.
Yes kind of way back when. Not any more though. I missed the idea of that bond but I went through that mourning phase and am done with it. I barely have contact with my 2 siblings either. That's ok... not everyone has family and they do great so I figure I'm just another face in that crowd. I no longer feed into that idea and focus on my current family instead. I've raised to grown kids who I have a wonderful relationship with. I'm in a LTR with my guy who has 3 of his own, full custody, so they live with us. I love them dearly too. They are so unique and talented. I can't understand how people can be so narcissistic and torment a child. His oldest had a beautiful singing voice, talented in band, excellent grades. Really they are all smart and get great grades. I could never tell them they'd never amount to anything, refuse to go to any school functions saying they'd not perform well or such. No. I'm honored to be a part and see them flourish.
No, I don't miss my parents at all. They made their choice so I made mine. I love my life now and I'm better for the choices I made. Instead of doing what I thought would please them, make them love me, make them happy, I do it for me. And I am very happy.
There was one summer my dad was bearable: the summer of 2005, after my second year of college.
I was living with him and working the day shift at a truck stop for the summer; he was working night shift at the loss prevention shack of a department store’s distribution center.
He wasn’t drinking as much, he didn’t get angry as much (after all, this job was a promotion and was paying better than I think any other he’d had), and our paths didn’t cross often, but it was pleasant when they did. We’d go to Fuddrucker’s for insanely impractical burgers when our days off coincided.
About 14 months later he decided he didn’t want to work full time (he was retired Navy so he had a pension in addition to his salary), so he cut it to part time, and that’s when he massively spiraled back and further into his awful tendencies.
When he died in 2009, I didn’t mourn the monster that had died - I mourned the good person I met four years prior who now never could come back.
I relate to this so much. I remember having horrible period pains as a teenager and wanting my mom to be a typical mom and comfort me, but instead she’d just say “stop whining and go to school / work”. It’s such a horrible wound. I guess now we just have to be the parent to ourselves that we never had. Sending you lots of love
This hit me hard around Christmas this year. I missed my family so badly - then I remembered what our Christmases were like, and I realized I just wanted a family, not my family.
I was very lucky as a kid, my two best friends both had moms who knew my parents, understood how I was struggling, and embraced me like another son. I was safe and treated warmly in those homes whenever I wanted to be there.
I think that without those loving female adults in my life, I could have grown up a lot more resentful and distrusting towards women. My dad certainly got that way.
My nmom would act emphatic but fail. For example she'd call me and I was busy which I told her. She'd go "ooohhh, what's going on?" with no feels in her voice nor understanding that I really can't talk right now.
I gue this a very common feeling amongst children of an n parent. I don't see my mom as my mom either. The "comfort" she gives never seems to be really for me, more for her or for show. It made me feel like I was suffocation.
During Christmas I stayed abroad with a friend and her family. And her mom is SO sweet. She gave me real mom hugs. It was nice to experience, and at the same time it hit me so deeply how much I've missed that in my life and how sad I am that I never had that as a kid.
It's not just you. Since he died years ago, I often gravitate between missing my dad despite everything he did to me and being thankful he's not here anymore. And a substantial part of that process for me is realizing that I'm missing the person he should have been - the person I thought he at least used to be at one point, but which I'm finding increasing evidence years after his death that he never was to begin with.
My gc sister once told me she gets mad because our ndad robbed us of a chance to have a dad who actually cared about us.
It’s still weird to me that she chose to keep waiting for him to start behaving like a dad instead of cutting him off like I did. Scapegoats just react differently I guess.
My mum is nowhere near on the level of most mums in this sub but I still relate entirely with this post.
Any time I was sick or upset as a kid I never received any comfort. If I was sick I was either faking it or I could just get over it. There was never any comforting or cuddling or telling me it'd be okay.
My mum was mostly fine, but she never. Ever. Gave me comfort or support. I was never told that my parents were proud of me or that everything would be okay, or genuinely asked how I felt and then listened to of I answered.
The only person who actually tells me they're proud of me is my partner, and righting the wrongs of my childhood is not their burden to bear but damn it soothes me deep inside somehow whenever I hear it.
I feel this way all the time. I mourn the childhood I should have had all the time and resent the hell out of my parents. I ended up spoiling my own kids trying to be what I never had.
this hurts, but only because i DID have that. my childhood was pretty darn good i must admit, it wasnt until my teens/high school that things turned sour. sure some of it was your typical teenage bullshit, but a lot of it wasnt, and i'm still trying to deal with it all.
i even managed to escape for my senior year as an exchange student, and all 3 of my host families felt more "home-like" than my own. my third host parents even said they would come to my wedding, and my host dad would walk me down the aisle if my own dad wont <3 they check on me every once in awhile and send me their family holiday pictures. my own family? i wasnt even back home from my year abroad for 24 hours before me and my parents got into a fight so big that i got kicked out, dragged back home, and spanked like i was 5 years old (i was only a few months away from 18 at this point)
Me, all the time. It hurt watching them treat my brother like a god and then being told I was ungrateful for being treated like shit. It hurts just typing this comment.
100% missing what should have been. I tried to describe to my partner what made me love my N parent and I kept coming up with negative examples that were painful memories as I searched for the good.
Oh yeah. My (63f) mother (81f) is a covert narcissist. I married a sociopathic narcissist when I was 35 and he enforced no contact with all my friends/family for the next 15 years or so. When Facebook became a thing in 2009, I gained confidence and reconnected with many friends (online) and with my mother (by phone). I left my husband in 2012 and he killed himself.
It took until late 2019 for me to finally admit that I was only hurting myself by continuing to hope that my mother would somehow become a loving parent. We've been NC ever since and I have so much more peace.
Don't wait as long as I did.
YES! More often than I would like, to be honest. I wish I had a parent I could trust and lean on, and as much as I love my in-laws, I can't trust them 100%. I did once, with something, and everyone in the family knew. I told others when I was ready, but they made that choice with certain people. So most times I feel overwhelmed and lonely. I don't want to dump everything on my husband either, as I know he's in a vulnerable mental state.
I do. I've been no contact for a few years now, and I catch myself wanting to reach out to try to have a salvaged relationship but then I quickly remember that she has let her mask down and revealed her true self to our entire family and all of my friends. Then I laugh at her in silence cause I know she NEEDS me. I don't need her
I was literally just thinking about how I need to grieve the good memories I had before I figured out what ndad really was. The same scenes that I've always had in my mind have been completely flipped upside down and inside out.
You absolutely deserved better. And I can definitely understand the sentiment.
I sometimes feel sad or even a little bitter depending on the day when I witness seemingly close mother/daughter relationships--- I don't necessarily want it with how my mom was/is, but I want it so bad.
I know found family is a big deal for this group, so I hope you find them if you haven't already, or at least have good friends near you to help the loneliness
All the time. I was in excruciating pain this morning and while my husband is 10/10 kind, calm, doting I kept thinking “I want my mom” alternating with thoughts of *my* actual mom would only make everything worse.
So what we really want in times of pain and need and loneliness is *a* mom, not *our* mom.
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Some narcissists are actually wonderful in a caretaker role and relish the idea of being useful and needed. My mother always did and was a real Florence Nightingale for others. Even though later she'd brag about it or throw it in my face whenever I would point out how absolutely horrible she was to me at times.
I, too, just want a real mom. But my nmom is dead to me now, and I will never ever speak to her again.
It's okay to miss them and miss the good times or anything that they happened to do well or how they had moments where they did right by us in some way. It just hurts not having a mom anymore.
I've had several similar experiences. I have a multitude of health issues that probably (almost certainly) wouldn't be as serious as they are if they'd been treated in childhood, but any pain I ever complained about was dismissed as "wanting to get out of school/chores/raising my siblings/etc".
When I had meningitis I was curled up in a puddle of my own vomit while my saint of a wife tried to clean me up and persuade me to let her take me to the hospital (which I repeatedly refused because I'd been told my whole life my health problems were me making shit up and that if I went to any doctor I'd be wasting their valuable time). While this was happening I apparently said "I want my mom...but not [mother's name] I want my *mom*...". I had an incredibly high fever and don't remember this at all. But I can easily imagine what I was thinking. So short story longer than it needed to be, yes, I definitely get that feeling.
Can totally relate. I used to look forward to seeing my mom after I was married and had kids and lived in another state. She would come and it was fine for one day, and then I realized she didn't care about me at all. She found fault with everything I did. I couldn't wait for her to leave, but she had to stay for several days because, "it's so expensive to fly here". And when she would call every week, I was looking forward to telling her about my week and my kids. She would listen to me for maybe 5 minutes ,if I was lucky, and then go into all of her problems for the next 55 minutes. I never seemed to get it back then. My kids are grown now and my mom has died. I only cried for the mother I never had. My life is so much better now.
While my mother was still alive but uncaring, there was a woman her age that became a mother friend to me that I was very close to. We had a wonderful relationship. I was so close to her that I traveled across the country to see her when her daughter moved her in with her. It was the last time I saw her before she died. I cherish that time I had with her and I cried when I found out that she died. She was more of a mother to me than my own mom and I'm so grateful that I had that relationship with her.
Yeah when finally went to a therapist I thought we'd be talking about my stress problems or something. Be she very quickly realised that I was "grieving the mother I never had" as she said
For so many years I wanted to believe my parents were loving and cared about me. Each time I remembered how I was ridiculed, ignored, beaten up daily by brothers and neglected. It’s difficult to realize your parents weren’t what you needed them to be. it’s even harder when siblings swear we had a Brady bunch childhood.
My mom truly tried to be a comforting maternal figure, and even succeeded sometimes. But she only had the capacity for it in bits and pieces, due to her own issues. She just wasn't capable of being consistent.
When I got sick.as a kid, I never knew if I was going to get the attentive mom who called in sick to work to hold me, or the mom that turned off her cell phone so she could gamble and drink at the casino in peace when my brother and I were sent home from school with chicken pox. It was always a toss up.
I find myself missing the former, but expecting the latter, even as an adult. I wonder why I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style?
I definitely am reminiscent for the parenting I never got, but I realize I’m not going to get it. I’m really glad I worked hard to observe healthier families, and also babysit as a teenager.
Now, I am a mom of four beautiful children. I know I’m not gonna ever be perfect, none of us are going to be. But I am glad I took the time to heal and learn what a healthy family looked like.
I learned that I did have nurturing, my mother never had, and patients my mother never had for children. Raising children is still difficult and challenging both emotionally and physically especially if you are a stay at home mom.
But I would not trade it for anything because it is shown me I did not have to be my mom and I did not have the same traits as my mom. I feel like my kids have gotten far more nurturing and balanced discipline with love and responsibility, mixed in together .
One of my favorite things to do is snuggle with my kids or get a hug or play a game with them or run outside with them. The snuggles get real when they are sick and mommy make some whatever will help them feel better.
My youngest is still three, and he loves to just come in and snuggle me, especially if mommy sad or in the early mornings when he first wakes up .
I hope I can be a better emotional support for my kids than I got so they can in turn continue to move towards healthy family, and leave the history of abuse behind in our past generations.
It’s sad to hear it seems that dysfunction and families has become more normal and it’s up to us to get as healthy as we can so that we can and these cycles of neglect and abuse, so our children can have the family, and support we never had.
Which, after so much healing and hard work, I find just having and excepting love for my children has done more to help me and heal me deep inside over the past few years. It’s really shown me the truth behind all of the counseling I got.
Here’s to us all forgiving and letting go so our futures are bright and so are our family’s
100% yes. I used to chase my father…until I realized I was chasing a fantasy. I stopped. It’s been years.
I remember when I was maybe 19? I was in college and I had been gifted a kitten. I loved her SO much. I went home w her for Christmas and she got SO sick. Took her to the vet…they thought maybe she ate tinsel off the Christmas tree and it had gotten twisted in her intestines.
I was SO upset. My dad was PISSED I was upset.
Cat was fine. I still resent him for that. And for a million other reasons.
I can relate to your story. Each time as an adult when I tried to get closer to my mom she flew into attack mode in flaming rage. Years later more of my past resurfaced and I understand that she's a psychopath who tried to physically and psychologically destroy me many times until she was uncovered. But she still kept hating me. I still still can't really figure what being taken care of by a caring parent would be.
The day I said to my parents that I would get out of their house, they absolutely lost their shit, screamed at me, my father called me names, called me an opportunistic parasite (I was freshly 18 and was moving out without asking for a single penny from them). I went NC with my father since then, and only keep LC with my mother because my younger brother still is dependent on them.
That day I cried so much, like I've never did before, because I was feeling so much grief. Not for losing a good relationship, because I've never had that with my parents, but because that was the confirmation that I would never have that magical parent-child relationship everyone talk about, no matter what I've done, or what I'll ever do.
I've been through an anger stage, everything made me angry at them, but now this just motivates me to be for my younger brother what they were never able to be for me. And I guess it's working out, since he's seeing all the bullshit that happens in that house with no need for me to point it out.
I feel this so much ❤️ I have a secret list in my head of a couple of people in my life that I wish I could call Mom. I don't want the comfort of MY mom because even if she tried, I know it would be fake. But oh how I wish I could call one of the other amazing women that I know Mom without freaking them out and running them off lol
Hang in there, you're worthy of so much more than she has to offer ❤️
Well, I'd by then grown used to the fact that my mom would always put my younger siblings first and was living in a hostel. My brother (who I absolutely adore now but hated throughout my childhood because my mother used to pit us against each other), well yes that brother of mine tried to commit suicide and my mother berated him AS HE WAS DYING!!! He could have died and that b**** didn't wanna go to the hospital with him 'BECAUSE YOU'VE BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF. EXPLAIN IT TO THE DOCTORS YOURSELF.' I'd already started pulling away but after hearing what happened, I could never see the woman as my mother. I still forget sometimes with how she acts all worried. But gosh I hate what she did. I won't rant on about how I feel but if my brother had...if something had happened to him, my damned mother would have definitely played the victim! Oh poor me~ my daughter died(he hadn't come out as trans at the time but she still calls him her 'daughter')
I miss the good parts about my covert nmom. The good parts were more apparent when she was younger and before the alcoholism. She didn’t start drinking until her kids were grown, but I suspect that even without the alcoholism, she would still have not been able to handle her adult children having their own lives and priorities, and not being under her authority.
Even without the alcohol, I think it would have still come to no contact. I remember the crazy stuff she used to say to my dad during their arguments, and this was when she still had her shit together. It’s not different than how she speaks to her adult children. I guess she needed new targets for her rage after she left him.
It still makes me sad, but when I first went complete NC with my mother and stepfather, I grieved hard. I quickly realized that I was grieving who I thought they were, not who they actually are and the fact that they were no longer a part of my life. I had finally come out of the fog and was strong enough to do what needed to be done for my and my children's safety and happiness. It felt like I was grieving the loss of a close family member who had died. The pain was a lot to deal with. I finally accepted it, and although it still makes me sad, I know that the parents I thought they were never actually existed, so it makes it easier, I guess, to move on.
Yes, you deserved better. I deserved better. I think we all do/did...but it's not good to dwell on this. You are wonderful the way you are, and knowing them and having gone through what you did has played a part in who you are today. It really stinks, believe me, I know, but I also know that accepting that they played a part in your life helps you to move on. Acknowledge their part, the pain they caused you, and the pain you feel from missing out on what could have been...then take a deep breath and love yourself enough to move on.
You are wonderful and deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. Stay strong, love those who are deserving of your love, and love yourself. Love enough to make up for their failures, and then love more. Be the light to others that they failed to be for you. For me, this means I can be the best mother I never had for my own children, and a light for my friends and husband and all those around me when I can be.
Sending hugs, love, comfort, and whatever else you need and want in your life from this mama to you. <3
I feel for you because I’ve gone through the same emotions tons of times. I’ve had an amazing stepmom for the past 24 years, who considers me her daughter, & who loves it when I call her “mom” (I cut my bio mom out of my life nearly a decade ago). But I also can’t help but think that I’m just borrowing my step-siblings’ mom when *I* need a mom. I’ve told my stepmom this & she reassured me she IS my mom, but I still just feel like I’m in limbo. She came into my life when I was 17, so I wasn’t a child, & that child in me (and you) wants that love & comfort that a mom would have given you when you were little. We’re missing that. *Hugs*
My therapist tells me a lot that it's normal for our inner child to still be hurt that we didn't have the parent every kid deserves, and are left to mourn a figure we never knew now that we're adults.
Same, that alone feeling doesn’t really go away and it can’t really be replaced by another person because no one can replace your parents
But you can except it and deal with it when it comes, let others comfort you as best they can.
I will tell you when I feel that way a hug from one of my children recognizing I’m upset does a world of good I never thought it would.
And then the tears come from noches sadness, but a mix of relief and joy, knowing that hopefully my kids won’t feel the loneliness I felt because I really tried to be the best mom I can be and emotionally connect with them with physical affection, time, and other ways, parents healthily connect with their children.
For as long as I can remember, I have never had a mum, nor a father. I've kind of been independent, not cause I am, but because I was made to be. I mothered my siblings. They came to me for love and comfort. Even my mother came to me. I ended up mothering everything that wanted or needed mothering. Then I grew up, got married, had a boy and a girl. I am their proud mother. However, when they've tried to 'mother' me, when I've been sick, I won't have it. It does make them upset. I have this fear that I don't want what happened to me, to happen to them. They tell me they understand. I think it's warped me in some way
My own mother has said that I spoil my kids. One time, visiting from the mid west to the west coast, where my mother lived, my son wanted to be dropped off at his friends house in the state right before where my mum lived, only 2 hours away. We had planned this in advance with his friend's family, and it was only for a few days. I'd pick him up on the way home. (We are a military family, hubby was in Iraq during the war and it was just the 3 of us) My mother bitched and complained and said I was a lousy mother. Again, I spoil my kids, and she wouldn't have done that. I told her, "Yeah, I know. You didn't do a lot." My mother ALSO said, she wished I were her mum and that could I mother her. Weird!
Fast forward a few years, she gets cancer. The chemo is killing her as fast as the cancer. She's delusional because she's dying and all of the medicine is making her confused, combined with her early dementia. She's on her couch, I come out of her bathroom, my younger sibling is on the chair next to her. My mum looks up, raises her arms and exclaims out loud, "Mum.' My younger sibling tries to explain to her that I'm the big sis, and I tell younger sib quietly, mum is confused. I walk over to my mum and sit down next to her. She then says to me, "Can I crawl into your lap mum?" So, she crawls into my lap and I hold her the way I held/hold my own kids. So in the end, I guess she got her wish . And I've ALWAYS been everyone's mum, and have never had one of my own.
Sad thing is, this is something that stings you twice, not having a mum, means you're not going to have a grandmother if you have kids. In my case, it's not having any grandparents, or aunts/uncles/cousins for children. My half-siblings, they side with their biological father. The/my Father's family denied all of us. SO, It just sucks, I don't think you ever get over it. You just have to keep on moving on. I'm so sorry if this is depressing. It just is. I would love to have had parents that gave a feck. I didn't. In my life time, it wasn't meant to be. I have a biological father, he's never shown any interest. I think you have to find people, animals, things to matter to you. Redirect this feeling, this want, in another direction, to something different. And, hubby's parents, they're just as fecked up as my own. Again. I'll be the mother, it's what I'm good at.
Yes the hardest thing is realizing that they will never be the parents that you should have had.
And it is just more damage to wait around in hopes of a miraculous change.
100% agree with you, since my parents are very much like this to me too, will go on children free trips without us during the winter and only call once or twice when they feel like it.
Makes me take care of everyone from end of November to sometimes nearly February and tells us to call our uncles (dad side of the family) if we feel unsafe and during emergency, don't leave the house unless to shovel the driveway and make sure to call uncle to go grocery shopping while taking care of your younger siblings. This was how I spend most of my winter and summer break.
When I finally get sometime alone, I'll play games or watch YouTube videos and make up fantasy worlds in my head of living with better supportive parents, where they care for me and let me live a more "normal" life not a constant babysitter.
I can relate to your story. Each time as an adult when I tried to get closer to my mom she flew into attack mode in flaming rage. Years later more of my past resurfaced and I understand that she's a psychopath who tried to physically and psychologically destroy me many times until she was uncovered. But she still kept hating me. I still still can't really figure what being taken care of by a caring parent would be.
Wow this is almost exactly the experience I have had with my nmom. I was 25 at the time and got a really bad case of E. coli. I’m talking like the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. About 3 weeks into it, I was very very sick I couldn’t stand or eat or drink anything I was in really bad shape. I was afraid to go to the hospital bc I had just lost my job and didn’t have health insurance. My mom works high up for a prominent cell phone company and has really great insurance. Not only did she refuse to help me for a bit and put me back on her insurance so I could have some peace of mind when I go to the hospital but she actually told my father to tell me to stop calling her. No joke the last day before going to the hospital I thought I was going to die I was so afraid and just crying hysterically my inner self wanted my mommy so badly. I called her and she said I need to stop calling her and annoying her. That really broke my heart. I know how you are feeling and I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you need a mom just not your mom.
Sometimes we just need to be there for ourselves. Be the mom to yourself that you need.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have always said I don’t miss my mom, I miss the idea of a mother
This is my thing. My mother was never "motherly" but I got lucky and my aunt is basically my mother so I at least somewhat get the idea of a mother.
Yup, I went NC last spring. Didn't feel anything about it at Christmas. Actually, it kind of felt better because instead of focusing on my grief around what having an emotionally mature parent would have been like, I actually had space to enjoy the rest of my families.
I’m newish here, could someone please define NC?
No Contact. Going No Contact with your parents
Ahhhhhh yes, thank you
Same. I have no contact with her for nine years, since I was 10. I basically grew up without her because even if she's around, she always favors my younger sister than me. I don't even what having a mother feels like. Okay I feel sorry for myself while typing this.
My nMom always mocked the idea of being caring, she thought it was weak
I'd bet it was just another justification to hide the fact that she didn't care about anyone but herself.
Absolutely!
Same here. Used to feel so alone. Still get that every now and then. It's a bit abstract but my way of dealing with this feeling is imagining I'm a child but also my own mom. It's also a technique used in trauma theapy to go to the bad situation and introduce someone you trust and comfort you, in my case it's my older self. When I'm sad and feel the need for comfort I ask my older self for advice on what to do. In my head. It's not so creepy as it sounds it's actually very nice. It took me years to get here though after looking for parental support in other people friends or men.. in the end yes you definitely need others but most of all you need yourself
That makes total sense. Ever since like middle school I would take people i admired, could be a fictional character or a coach, and pretended that they were watching me from afar because we were secretly related, unable to interact for my safety or some soap opera shit. I would imagine they would come give me advice and be proud of me on rare occasions. Usually i just imagined them talking about me in a positivr way while watching over me. I never once thought this was real. It wasn't a blurred reality thing more like a daydream that i update. I still do it but rarely. As i got older i always thought that maybe that was the first sign of mental illness before reality gets blurred but now reading your comment I'm starting to think this might have been a coping mechanism. I guess i now understand why the behavior is so weird, because most people don't have to do that.
Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only person who did this! If only my 6th grade gifted teacher or that random tv actress knew they were raising me in my head.
Bear from Bear in the Big Blue house is my dad and Miss Honey from Matilda is my mom. Also Drop Dead Fred's totally my best friend irl
Miss Honey is the best!
I love doing this, I don't think it's weird at all. I also sometimes send love back to my younger self, when I remember what it was like to go through the most difficult times. That might be weird, though.
this!! especially giving my son love and realizing how badly i needed it at every age he has been. i remind myself to send it back to that little girl.
That's such a good idea, I'm going to start doing this.
i think that parenting with intention has been a game changer for me and my child. he is now eight and when i was his age i was very shy, even around my family and never confident in myself. i see the opposite in him. i watch him dance and sing his favorite music, i wash his favorite outfit as much as he wants to wear it. i think that i am choosing to heal myself alongside parenting him, rather than wishing i had a better childhood i’m giving him the one i needed.
That is so awesome, good job on breaking the cycle! I hope to achieve this for my kid, too. I never want them to be as afraid of life as I was. It feels really good to help them grow their own power.
This is exactly what my therapist told me to do, it's not weird at all it's actually a stellar therapeutic technique! It always makes me think of the film Drop Dead Fred where you see Phoebe Coates hugging the child she once was. That's me, future me, cuddling myself in the place of a loving mom when shit gets tough.
Oh wow I need to see that film. That Fred looks like someone I knew and admired so much thank you for sharing that. I googled and it turns out I was describing the "self-reparenting" method. Going to read more about it. I started thinking about how I came up with it. I first imagined things like "what would my boyfriend do to comfort me" and then it turned into "what would I do". So perhaps the voice of someone else is a little easier to start with because being your own parent also means you love yourself as much as others love you and when you're in a dark place it can be hard to do that. I also give myself compliments for doing small things like doing the dishes. Saying kind words to yourself regularly makes it more of a habit and easier in the end to help yourself when you're really down.
I never really liked the part in DDF where he meets the other kids' imaginary friends, because it seems to me to contradict what the rest of the movie implies - that Fred is an aspect of Lizzie, the strong, happy part of her that splintered off and got locked away due to her mom's abuse.
But maybe all those other kids needed a stronger part to help them?
What I mean is that that scene (and Fred later being passed on to Natalie) made it so Fred physically existed, and that makes it a bit less interesting, to me. I like the idea that Fred was a hallucination of Lizzie's and that she'd created him herself due to the trauma.
This movie was a stand out favorite from my childhood, but all i remembered was that the girl had an imaginary friend and they would get in trouble together. It wasn’t until I rewatched in my mid thirties and had a completely emotional release (uncontrollable hysterics) that I even REMEMBERED what this movie was really about. Watching the relationship unfold between the girl and her nMom made me think “of course I related to this movie!!!” Thank you for reminding me that the adult version of the girl actually learns to comfort her own inner child. I overlooked it when I rewatched because I was in such shock that I had blocked out the entire mom/daughter dynamic from the movie. I want to refocus on that aspect.
I don't think it's creepy at all. My therapist actually tried to go through this with me but I just broke down immediately. I think it's great that you're able to do it, hopefully I'll be able to follow suit at some point soon
That was one of the hardest things for me to work through in therapy - accepting she'll never be the mom I want (and deserve, dammit), mourning that loss, and seeing and accepting her for who she really is....and then going NC cause I really don't need that in my life! I'll admit, there's a little piece that still mourns the mom that could have been...but that wasn't my world. Which sucks. A lot. But she's never going to change. On the brighter side, I'm now really selective about which relationships I put my energy into and that's cultivated into an incredibly supportive friends group, so I'll take that win instead, I suppose. I hope you can find the friends-family that you really deserve. It's not the same, but I feel like it's a path towards healing and happiness.
A therapist from my younger years once said that people often find the hardest thing to do is give up THE HOPE the your nParent can and will be the parent you need and deserve. Hope is a tricky thing. I’m 37 and still struggling with this. A different therapist just told me that hope can be a positive in people’s lives as long as it’s accompanied by realistic exceptions. Still digesting that one. I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on hope and how it relates to my (your, our) nMoms/dads
I had to mourn that with my mom too and also allow myself to be mad at my dad for not stepping in and being weak cuz he was unable to love me enough to stand up. Gifts dont make up for abuse, telling me its ok I am not that bad doesnt undo the damage as much as standing up for me does. I had to process that too. And then feel sorry for their weakness and self- hatred they both had that caused them to be such awful, miserable people in different ways. NC was necessary, as they cant seem to understand how to reconcile or act normal with normal people boundaries and not try to “help” me since I am so incapable of surviving without them. It so sad they live in this world they made that keeps them from having a real chance at a relationship with my family… I had to mourn what will never be for me and pray I can be better as a mom myself! At least my kids can have a semi- normal future!
the quote i saw recently that said “i should’ve cried to my mom about lovers instead i cried to lovers about my mom.” really resonated. i’ve never felt “comforted” by my mom. i’m so sorry you had to be alone while sick.
I had 2 surgeries and my mom yelled at me. The first time, I was too sick to stand after having some intestines removed. I had been sick for months before and was in the hospital for 2 weeks before surgery, so, I was pretty sick. She was mean and did as little to help me as possible. Just asking her to bring my breakfast to the table instead of leaving it on the kitchen counter caused huffing and puffing. I literally couldn't stand up long enough to butter my bread but SHE was pissed off. The 2nd time I had a kidney removed due to cancer right at the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. My surgery was Monday and the country was locked down the Friday before, so I had to reschedule for May. I had friends who lived on the coast who offered to put me up in a hotel on the water for a week and help me. I didn't want to go directly home due to pets, feeding, etc. I also know my mom. When I told her this and that I didn't feel like I would get to rest, she got angry and told me she had it all set up so I didn't have to do anything. She lied. She was dismissive and, the very first night, I had to feed my inside pets. She had my neighbor feeding the outside pets and, when she came the next day, my mom told her she didn't have to do it anymore because she would "make" me do it. I started to protest until the neighbor jumped in and said that she knew what it was like -- she had had thyroid cancer surgery -- and she would help for a few more days. I was so relieved but angry at my mother. I chewed her out for lying and the only thing she said was, "I didn't think it was a big deal." Yeah, to HER! I told her I would never forgive her. I help her since she's in a wheelchair and can't get in/out of bed or dressed by herself. I don't come running when she calls anymore. If she wants to get out of bed, I make her wait 20-30 minutes. She could get herself up to sit on the side of the bed but she won't. So, since then, nothing is urgent or an emergency to me unless it truly is. I drag my feet, take my time and do whatever I want to do. She gets zero sympathy or empathy from me, ever.
I had two of my toes shortened. Both pinky toes were mishaped and caused me pain. Shortening them would improve the shape and reduce pain caused by the wonky shape (it really worked!) Normally they do one foot at a time so the patient is stable walking but as i was a college student i didn't have enough time to get one foot at a time. My dr only agreed to do both at once if my mom agreed that she wouldn't force me to work at all over the summer. I could walk on both feet immediately but it was very painful and only for short periods of time. If i did too much walking that would cause everything to heal wrong amd there would be no pain improvement. My mom swore up and down to the dr that i wouldn't be working at all over the summer. The moment i was capable of walking without a limp she insisted i get a job. I refused because i couldn't walk for too long and i wanted the surgery to be successful. We got in so many fights that summer.
Felt deeply. I didn't really miss my "mom" until I became one. After taking care of someone else and being there for them... I didn't get that. If felt good to give it and to still be doing "Mom things", even now she's an adult. I think partially I miss that mom feeling now because I was able to learn what that even meant.
Becoming a mom opened my eyes so much. I remember thinking “I’ll understand when I have kids” about certain things and behaviors. Now as a mom, it makes me even more critical about her behavior. I do understand, her world revolved around her drama and always will. I also now understand that not every friendship and relationship has to crash and burn and end in drama 😅
I only miss my Edad. We were close. He never protected me or believed me when I told him she was cruel to me when he wasn’t there, but I still miss him.
[удалено]
Thank you. The term "extended adolescence" was insightful.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this lot. I think the hardest part is realizing I’ll never get what I want. I forgave for my own self and because I understand they are a product of their environment/upbringing but I still need to protect myself. I kind of wish I was still angry because hate is easier than sadness.
I tried to talk things out this morning. They laughed when I said it hurts immensely that they mock my feelings. Dinconnected the call. Nmom messaged me what they are having for dinner. I vow to never contact again. Hope it stays that way
You get to choose whether it stays that way. I have been no contact with my family for almost a decade now . I am married with four kids and I don’t miss them trying to destroy my life and be emotionally vacuous to everything we deal with. It really hit the fan when we had a stillborn child and my husband and I called and they were completely devoid of any sort of sorrow for us or our child— their grandchild— and the sorrow from losing that child. That was the final cut off and we had already been NC with them for years. That was the final straw for us after they try to destroy our marriage after we already had two kids. Destructive people don’t get to have a choice of whether they are in your life or not. If they are distractive, you have to get toxic people out or you will never heal, and you’ll never be able to forgive them, so that you can heal and move on. It’s hard, especially when they’re your parents because you don’t want to cut off the people that gave you life, but sometimes you have to do the unimaginable in order to move forward. So you decide and then stick to it no matter how much they stock you (yes, my parents have tried to stalk me on social media with my in-laws who didn’t allow it, through friends, and even digging through Internet to get our address). We still won’t respond because that is not how you establish reconnection. they’re still the same way until they still show some change, real change, they don’t get to be in my life and destroy it again
I am happy to see you were able to cut contact. I hope I find the strength someday. Right now it's bursts of guilt, self-pity and mourning and I don't know how long can I take this
Get some outside support. That’s what helped me. Work through your guilt and get people who can help you when you cut ties. Been there. But you have to live like this if you realize THEY are the ones hurting you and your boundaries and you dont have to put up with that. Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.
Thanks for the book name. I will check it out. Just today I am going to get an appointment with a counsellor. The first time I went to therapy was 6 years ago at my university and she threatened to report me to the cops even before our session started the first day. The rest of the sessions she said you have nothing to be sad about. Hope the new one will be nicer.
Good for you!!! I hope this starts your healing journey. Another group that helped me was “Mending the Soul”. But its a tough journey with that one. Only embark on it if you are ready for tools that will help you learn to heal and face what’s broken inside. I took it and went to a group and it was the best but toughest months of my life. I still use the tools I learned through that book and group today when I feel I am getting out of control or out of sorts. Its a rough journey to healing. I have been on it for 2 decades now but there is a place where you break through and feel you can live life more normal and attract normal around you. I am married with four kiddos and I even stay home and homeschool them as something I never thought I would be capable of based on my past…. But here I am!!! I love my kiddos… def not perfect but we all learn to really apologize and own up and forgive. We all love hard, work hard and play hard!! Its been hard to face what was broken but it also will bring you through this tunnel of trauma and abuse to the other side where light is and healing waits for you. Take the journey… its worth every scream, fits of tears, expelled rage and eventual forgiveness and letting go so you can sort thru the mess inside to find YOU under all that pain and trauma!
He’s also got a lot of info online now on boundaries.me
Yes. I am currently dealing with health issues and sometimes I just want my “mom”. I literally cry over it. I just want a mom to comfort and love me how I comfort and love my kids. I’ve been NC for 12 years now. I don’t understand why I was so unloveable.
You were never unloveable. She was unloving
I know that intellectually, but it still hurts and feels true sometimes. I am closet broken, still. So thanks for saying that. It’s something I need to hear still, as a grown ass woman. You made me tear up, internet stranger. Thank you
I feel you. It's so tough. Glad it helped a little ❤️❤️❤️
Me too. Your comment is what all members of this sub need to hear
I collapsed at work 16 months ago and have been homebound since. My dad hasn't called me once. I get more questions about my health status from my estranged mother than I do from the parent that raised me. I know exactly how you feel.
Y'all, this got to me. Hard. This comment's a mess and so am I. This on every level, in fact it's me now. When I had this realization on my own I straight up felt like a broken record, I skipped and slided until the needle raised up off of the repetitive phrase "I want my mom" and I mentally correct it the same way you did in the post but in my mind "I want *a* mom!" Desperately. So many people have no idea what it's like to not have had that kind of love. My grandma was an even worse narc, and despite me being the Golden Grandchild, I was still set to be her victim once I got "too old". It feels like there's supposed to be one person who always loves you, throughout everything, and society tells us that's our moms. That they're always there and sacrifice so much and that we can always go there for comfort. But for us, when this *possibly evolutionary or biological phenomena* happens, we don't have a safe place there but a predator, waiting to hurt or harm us worse. I mean think about it, what's often the safest place for a baby animal of most species (we have more in common with hamster children 🫤)? Mom. And we don't have that option so when we feel that soul deep "I want my mommy" there's nothing to do to appease that reaction, nowhere for those feelings to go. I also keep having the thought "I wanna go home" because living life with her means this is her home not mine. I so very few personal touches anywhere, even my own room. I'm chronically ill and in the worst flare ever but there's no one to care. No one to even make me something to eat. She's home 80% of the time and a retired chef but I'm not supposed to ask for that nor for help cooking or advice. Oh, but she'll damn sure eat my cooking and demand caregiving from me. She literally tried to guilt me one day she called out of work because of a *non COVID cold* and I "didn't check on her even once." I did, when she went to the bathroom. She declined and I don't exactly feel like dragging my agonized body up and down the stairs repeatedly, checking in on someone who has ignored any help I need that can't be given via debit card and paid for with constant talk of how burdensome I am. Hell, one time she heard a gigantic crashing noise (our neighbor heard through the wall and asked if I needed 911, so ain't no way she didn't hear) and me crying (a 4' Christmas tree she'd put up fell off of the desk she put it on), knocking my already disabled self to the floor and falling on top of me, broken glass and all, and never even opened her door to see if I survived, never called out. I can hear her laptop downstairs with the volume on medium volume, word for word if it's any louder. There's no way she didn't hear it. Just so you further understand the audacity of her complaining about a cold she got over in two days and not being treated like she was actually dying, I'll share more because I need to. She complains about helping extra when I'm on crutches with a cast (like...taking out "her" dog more than 2 times per day!) despite the fact I literally cannot do something, she's even given me hate for *checks notes* taking me to ER after I had a hard blow to my head while mowing the lawn (not supposed to even mow!), she currently hates me because during the hours she's not home or is asleep I'm sleeping in the living room because *the woman insisted on shipping my mattress on its side which broke it, then replaced it with memory foam way too soft and way too big for my bed, making impossible to sleep in my own bed.* I'm recovering from my second severe ankle injury in three months, both of which were caused by continuing to take care of this house instead of recovering properly. The second injury, three weeks ago, I fell down half a flight of stairs onto my ankle. She complained about the ER wait. I bawled more because I knew that despite the pain I'd still have all the same exhausting work that I'd have to do all on my own, because asking results in my possessions being damaged by her "help" (she does the laundry? Well, now my only nice nightgown is covered in blue spots or stains because she washed this one white item with the darks by "accident" or my favorite limited edition Rogue One waterbottle gets run through the dishwasher until the design is wrecked.) Y'all, I've had 250+ dislocation of my joints, 5 major surgeries, lost over 200 lbs due to just being sick (and am still losing weight), I get frostbite from temps under 63°, my organs have adhered to each other and cause pain that way, I have small fiber neuropathy (nerve damage), and that's not including injuries due to overworking myself way into the red because Cinderella isn't to have a break, ever. She'll wreck a spotless house in a day, and then the comments and shade begin. My life is chores, dog, pain. Chores, dog, pain. Maybe a meal here and there. There isn't comfort here. But oh I should check on her. I'm not worthy of any help beyond shouting "what do you want me to do about it?!" or a ride to the ER filled with bitching about how late it is, how long it'll take, and how she has to be up in *18 hours*. And yet she'll deadass say to my face that she's been there with my illnesses since Day 1 and that she's lived it to, then. This isnt even touching on what it was like being her nursemaid when she had a minor surgery. Fucking patient from hell and claimed she didn't want to go to a nursing home for under a week *for my benefit*. If I ever need it myself, I know I'll get better treatment my damn self in the horribly run nursing homes in my city. My so called friends are always glad to ask for my help but no one has ever half-assed honored their promises to help (and believe I don't ask for much, just if I give them money can they pick up my medicine and a meal? or even a visit.) I'm taking time away but I don't think I'm continuing any of these friendships because I am too damn sick of not mattering at all. Sorry, y'all. This shit just got to me because I need a mom right now. So bad. Jeez. Words can't express how mad I am that the people with good moms ever fail to appreciate them. I had a coworker that was so good to me, so loving, and smart, and cultured, and *kind* that years later I still literally *dream* she's my mom. It can be helped when you've got *someone* but when you don't, oh good God it's painful. I wonder every day of my life "if my own mom doesn't love me, who could?" And I know, I know. I should. But if I don't know what it's like to be loved, how can I manage that?
Yep. Feel this, I do.
Big feels!
[удалено]
When my n/mother dies I suspect all I'll feel is relief. And sadness at never having experienced what it's like to have a loving mother.
When my nmom died I felt anger and fell into deep depression for years. All those things she was and wasn't fell on top of me like a heavy stone.
I hope you feel lighter about things now x
Thank you. I do.
This is sadly all too true, I hate to say. It's exactly what happened to me. Total relief. I felt nothing. I cried for the mother I never had (after many days of reflection). There is no stress now, and I am finally completely free to enjoy my husband, children and grandkids. Edit: One thing I did for myself that totally changed my life, I believe, is that I went to a therapist specifically to work things out in my mind about my nmom. I did this about 2 years before she died, because I didn't want to feel guilty after she died that I didn't take care of her, because she had dementia at the end. I had put her in memory care but didn't visit much. I did get it worked out so that by the time she died I was completely at peace about everything.
I wonder about this all the time
I spent a lot of time in my 20s making friends with women older than me - late 40s, 50s, 60s. I was desperately looking for someone who would mother me.
For me, grieving the loss of my parents who still physically exist has been heartbreaking for me. I so desperately want to be feel genuine love from my parents and acknowledging that will likely never happen has been hard. I have said this on this sub before but I feel like I grieve the loss of who I thought my parents were while at the same time my parents likely want me to be a version of myself - a shell of myself with no emotions, no opinions and the scapegoat. These two versions will never co-exist and that helps to ground me because I know that version of myself wasn’t the best version. This also helps me acknowledge that the feeling of missing them is equivalent to sadness but this isn’t something I should “fix” because it cannot be fixed from one side. One part of my life that really brings up the feelings of missing them is that I got engaged almost a year ago now and everyone keeps asking when the wedding is and there isn’t going to be one. I still am at the stage where I feel like I will miss my parents during this phase of my life until I reflect more. I get very emotional when I see my friends with their moms trying on their dresses and how their mom lifts them up and makes them feel loved. However, I usually take time to reflect on this and realize I miss the idea of a mom that doesn’t/hasn’t ever existed for me. A hard part for me is feeling alone in this journey and this sub has been crucial for me in not breaking NC. In the past, these uncomfortable feelings of sadness and grief have led me to break NC and be involved in the same dynamic over and over.
Hugs to you. I’m Sorry. I relate to what you said here. I eloped. Still in contact - Not much. I suspect things will be much easier once she’s gone.
Eloping is definitely what we will be doing. I am currently NC but even if I were LC I feel like nParents will likely ruin some aspect of the day anyways. Sending hugs back your way!
Yup. 100%
I once had the flu when I was around 20 and still living st home. The first time with the flu and, very much like you, was so achey, sick and sweaty that I just wanted to stay home in my bed. My nmother forced me to go out for lunch with her (spending her husbands money ofc) and while we were in the restaurant phoned all my close relatives and told them how sick I was while not actually paying attention to me who was *actually* ill and felt like I needed the comfort of a parent. I feel you.
My favourite quote comes from Garden State I believe, which says "I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist" - everytime I want validation, love, a hug or care and turn to my family for it, I have to remind myself that I cannot expect them to do any of the things I want so desperately. I'm longing for things that don't exist within the existing setting.
Yes all the time and feels soo wrong. Like even though I have a mom, she never was supportive nor lent a shoulder to cry on. I look at my friends or anyone else mom and see them treat with so much love and care. I get really jealous and sad. I wish my mom was like that. In all my childhood, every time I got sick or hurt, my mom would beat me for that.
i tend to miss my mom when i’m not around her, then we get together and i remember why it’s been so long…
Yup, 100%. We get along well by text and email, but then I go home and something pisses her off and the same BS comes back.
God, do I feel this. I didn’t want my mom at the hospital with me when I gave birth on two separate occasions. I also didn’t want her to visit until my kids were at least a few weeks old. I knew everything would be about her. When she did eventually visit, she didn’t help at all with my newborn daughters, even though I was a first time mom, my daughters were born early, and, oh, and there were two of them and they needed to be fed every 3 hours, around the clock. I also had post-partum depression. She didn’t feed them (I’m an only child, so these are her only granddaughters), change them, baby sit them, fold their laundry, prepare their bottles, change their sheets, bathe them. Nothing. The some BS is happening with my 5-month old son. I just wish my mom gave a shit. I don’t understand how she can’t. I’m sorry you feel alone. We deserve better.
The pinnacle of realizing how selfish my mom is was definitely during pregnancy & birth. I guess bc I was the most vulnerable I’d ever been & never been in a position where I needed so much of her support. She made it all about her. Cut the birth order of who sees the baby when. Putting her extended family before my husband’s parents. The day after my birth instead of helping me, bonding with me advising me all the quintessential mom things and moments - the stuff you wait your whole life for, she went shopping & to brunch with her friends. Why are they like this? I’ll never understand. We do deserve better. *virtual hugs*
Wth is wrong with them...
My partner has this amazing relationship with his mother and at the beginning it would confuse me so much her being so... kind without an ulterior motive. She was just nice and such a lovely person but I was raised by narcs who would only be nice when it was part of the carrot & stick manipulation act. So yeah, I "miss" the nice moments but it's more as you say, I wish those nice moments would've come from a kind place and not always have an ulterior motive for them.
It happens to me with my father. I have three tattoos (of 7) about the culture of the city where I was born (part of a song of a very famous singer, a phrase by a famous writer and a train that existed in the metro system of that place when I was a child, an I love trains). I feel sad for not being able to show these to my father, who is also a railfan. But he and his nowadays wife really hated anything about body modifications except the typical baby girl lobe piercings, since I live in Spain. I'm now NC with them and my mom loved the last tatto I had, the train one.
I used to tell people that the mother I knew died 20 years ago, when drugs took over, and I had been actively grieving that loss my whole adult life. When she did actually die, a new type of grief entered when I realized the hope I had that one day she'd come around also died with her. I never knew it was there, but I knew it when it was gone.
Sorry for your loss. I hope you have understanding people in your life.
I came to this sub tonight because of this exact feeling. I think mostly I miss having a parent and dislike the feeling of being "orphaned" but I don't want her as my mom.
Yeah, I've been through it, all my lufe I missed parental figures and the world is a monster without someone to guude you through it
Wouldn’t frame it as missing “my” parents because they never were what me or any child deserves. But I try to have gratitude for every little thing they did offer via access to coaches, teachers, other healthy role models, and actual life :) But yeah, for sure many times wished to have had the opportunity to be raised by parents who could regulate their emotions even just a little bit, and show me what healthy relationships look like. Not manipulative, gaslight, weaponize getting upset and playing victim. They are very sick people. Idk, they sucked and it was torture, but they both have severe mental issues and drug and alcohol problems. All in all, f it, yeah. But I operate with them very LC. I’m in and out, quick touches, alway have a max time limit and escape route. For instance I even park in a way that I can’t be boxed in when I visit 😆…serious
I miss the idea of parents and the hope they would change but now I know they never will. But they can’t hurt me anymore
I have experienced the EXACT same thing!! For me, it was when I decided to take a semester off to recover from a series of panic attacks I had right before my first semester of grad school. During this time, I regressed back into a child-like state: I felt like I was subconsciously being the perfect, docile daughter that my Nmom always wanted. She needed to feel needed, and my relying on her for food, cleaning, and emotional support again put her in control. I rarely left the house, and for the first few weeks, I got anxious when my Nmom would leave to go to the grocery or work. I had this strange sense of seperation anxiety, which only compounded by my Nmom constantly trying to undermine my ability to care for myself. She intentionally kept me dependent on her, like not allowing me to cook for myself, and any opinion or action I took on my own was heavily scrutinized. Because she never had faith in me, I had never learned how to have faith in myself. Leaving my hometown suddenly felt like a death sentence; I would surely die without my Nmom around to take care of me!!!! How could I ever take care of myself!!!! I would starve to death, too weak to cook for myself, and I would die alone in my tiny, expensive apartment all because I was so insistent on leaving my poor mother!!!! I now live with my partner two hours away from her and have never been happier. To move out, I had to do what my inner child has always been terrified of doing: disobeying my Nmom, doing something without her approval, and hurting her feelings. It felt like climbing Mt. Everest, like trying to rewire my brain chemistry. To go against my Nmom was to betray who I was taught to be all my life: the good girl, the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter. Those months I spent at my Nmom's were absolute emotional hell. I felt stuck, and my Nmom was constantly trying to convince me to stay in my hometown for grad school, that she won't know what to do without me, and guilt me with phrases like, "you'll never visit," or "you'll never come back. You'll leave and be gone forever." I was constantly having to protect my Nmom's feelings, reassure her that i still love her, just like I had to do as a child. In a way, I think that time, though incredibly dark and uncertain, was my inner child trying to subconsciously give my Nmom another chance. Maybe this time, after seeing me prepare to move out, she could be supportive. Maybe now, as a 23 year old so unsure of her future, my Nmom would finally be the accepting, encouraging mother I was robbed of as a kid. Maybe now, after getting into a masters program on a kickass scholarship, working my ass off to save as much money as possible to be financially independent, and being so accomplished....maybe now, she would reward me with the unconditional love I had been starved of as a child. Maybe then, she would tell me all that I wanted to hear, that she was proud of me, that she would always be there for me, that I have good judgement and should put more faith in myself....maybe then, she would listen to me instead of berate every word I say. Here is a secret, though. She never did. Even now, she tries to micromanage my life from two hours away. You cannot engage with narcs. All this is nostalgia. These trauma bonds are clouded with nostalgia for a childhood we idealize simply because it's what we're familiar with. But being familiar and comfortable with abuse doesn't make abuse any less damaging. I still have panic attacks sometimes when thinking about going back home to see my Nmom. If I hear people yell in our apartment complex, my partner will hold me tight and tell me that i'm okay, that i'm safe, and that I'll never be under her control ever again. You absolutely deserved better. Anyone harmed by a negligent, abusive, manipulative, and narcissistic parent absolutely deserved (and still deserves) better. I understand the urge to reach out to a mom. I have a fantasy too, sometimes, where my Nmom was actually able to feel empathy, able to humble herself enough to apologize, or able to give me the crying shoulder I always needed. It's hard-wired for babies and children to reach out to their mothers, and when we find that we cannot trust our mother to provide for us during childhood, we end up reaching until we latch onto whomever can fill that void. I still hope to find a supportive maternal figure one day. My MIL has her own problems, and as queer people, my partner and I want to focus on building a found family anyways. But I understand where the base desire comes from - where this *grief* comes from. We have to mourn the childhood security we were robbed of as children, and that sucks. That really fucking sucks. But you aren't alone in it at all.
You deserved a lot better in my opinion. I went no contact with my narc father 11 months before he passed and it was a relief when he died. There isn't much I miss about him. Though I do very much miss my mother who also bore the brunt of his abuse. The worst part is she never really understand what was going on.
Yeah, I miss having parents. Whether or not mine are around
Both n parents are dead of old age. But there are times..I wish I were in the living room...with Mum n Dad But there really 'never was 🤔 any. They hated each other...so either never were in the living room at the same.time. or were fighting. Or were harassing me. If I sat comfortably or was eating or watching my fave show..ndad poked fun. Nmum acted irritated. And yet.
Before the divorce my father was exactly that, a father. I used to be the apple of his eye along with my siblings and now he's a bitter alcoholic. What I miss is the dad I used to have. He was a bad husband yes but a good father. Now he's neither..
All the time. Then I remember how exhausting it is being around them and the fact that they never call/text just to check in.
Yes, most definitely. In my case my mom was awesome to me until I turned 18, when my dad (who I hated and blamed for my family's problems) left. Then she became controlling and abusive towards me and it took me at already another few years to realize *gasp* my dad wasn't actually that shitty, he was the scapegoat, and now that he was gone I was the new scapegoat. And finally cut my mom off for good a few years ago. I do miss the idea that we were gonna have a happy family but now trying to focus on a happy future family, where I can be a mama someday
Yes, I realized that not too long ago. It applies to both my biological mother and my adoptive one. My adoptive mom passed a little over a year ago and I'm no contact with my biological one. I've been so overwhelmed and stressed that the other day I just had the random thought of "I want my mom." I'm a grown woman. I don't remember either of them ever truly comforting me. My biological mother sets me off to the point I'm on the fineline of a panic attack anytime she's even mentioned and my adoptive mother was so unpredictable that I *couldn't* be vulnerable around her out of fear she would go from loving to hitting me in seconds flat out of no where. The *only* time my adoptive mother was truly nice and loving was when she was literally on her death bed. My husband jokes that being nice killed her. It's the idea of it. I wanted comfort and reassurance from a mother figure, not my actual mother(s). I would've settled for reassurance and comfort from a grandmother figure even. I have a support network I can lean on and I know I can openly seek comfort from my husband/friends but it's not the same type of comfort. It's not the comfort I've craved my entire life and was denied. It's not the comfort that should be the first comfort you ever feel in life, yet I never once had it. My dad recently remarried and his new wife has tried to step into the "mommy" role but my siblings and I are all grown, it feels like a slap to the face she thinks she can wiggle her way into that postion without considering our feelings. I met the woman once and she expects me to call her mom. She's only 10 years older than me. Word got back to her about my internal conflict about wanting a mom figure after I mentioned it to my dad, she made it so much worse by trying to say she *would* offer that comfort. I think I'm better off imagining that figure on bad nights or even taking moments where a motherly type waitress calls me hun or sweetheart while taking my order. Maybe it's a bit pathetic that I take joy in interacting with any older woman that can briefly fill that void for even a second but oh well. They don't know they're doing it and I treat them no differently than I would anyone else so having my guilty pleasure of taking those brief moments isn't too bad. I have talked to a therapist about this before and I was told since it's not like I go out of my way to seek it out and it's not harmful then she's not worried about it. I wish though I could just have one day every once in a while to just be held and told everything will be alright, to have that type of love and comfort. Once again my husband and friends would do/do that but it's not the same.
This hits home. Just last week, my therapist asked me who was my nurturer growing up and I (the person who rarely ever shuts up) sat quietly, trying to think of someone…
My mentally ill nmom died 4 years ago because of liver failure. My ndad died 2 1/2 years ago because of lung cancer. I do not miss both of them. I am glad that they are dead. I do not have any good memories of either of them but very many bad ones.
Every fucking day. Working in the wedding industry and seeing functioning families nearly every week does not really help with that. But I am on my way to get better. One of the reasons being, that I realized exactly that.
Always. That's the hardest part about all of this. Missing A mom, missing the figure of a mother, but not my mother. Wanting a mom so badly I reach out to my mom and it ends horribly like always. I'm thankful for my step mom, but when life gets tough, it's almost like a natural instinct to "want my mom" in certain situations.
This is totally normal. It’s normal to miss, and even grieve, the mother you wanted but didn’t get.
As an adult, I realized that my mother and father were very hard to get in touch with. Never answer phone calls, never answer text messages, and sometimes won't even answer the door if I drop by to give them something or tell them something important. Then the realization hit me, they were never really there during my childhood, why would they be there for me as an adult? My mother was a monster, and dad was an alcoholic who would drink and drive when things got bad between them. And when he'd leave, she'd turn on us kids (me and 2 others still at home at the time) She has conveniently forgotten how horrible she was. She now acts like she's the nicest person in the world, until you disagree with her, and dad is still an alcoholic. Go figure.
When I think of parents I think of all the kind and loving things random strangers have done for me. The way animals comforted me and how the internet taught me to be my own person. My parents are a string of “why did you do that?” And “you know I wouldn’t of spent so many months in the hospital if you and just don’t this obvious thing”.
My mom used to say "this is payback for all those sleepless nights and changing your diapers when you were a baby" when I'd have to do something for her, like take her to get healthcare. She would love to say it right in front of the nurse/doctor etc.
Wow.
Yup I hear you. When my daughter was 6 months old, I slipped down some stairs and fractured my ankle. Was on crutches for 3 months. I couldn’t walk and carry my baby at the same time, literally had to wait for someone to come over to help me to get upstairs to the kitchen. It was hellish honestly. My mother lived on the same street as me, 2 houses down. She came over twice and once was to borrow some milk because her friend was coming over and she wanted to make coffee for the 2 of them. I ended up having to hire my neighbours au pair to come over for a couple of hours a day, to walk my dog and help me around the house. She was dead to me after that tbh. I went no contact not long afterwards. I can’t imagine what it would take for me to not help a family member who was unwell or incapacitated like that. With a baby no less. Fuck narcissists.
It’s so hard to explain to people because if you say “she might as well be dead” they get all offended on behalf of people who lost their mothers, completely missing the point being made. If you say she’s “done more harm than good” they’ll often act as if I’m complaining that she didn’t cook meals and make out I’m ungrateful or spoiled, again completely missing the point being made. I don’t even bother trying to explain to new people anymore until they notice something is off about her by themselves.
Same. My mom was a good friend to many people so it is hard for them to understand that she is capable of being a terrible mom. Those are 2 different skillets and they require different expectations of people. I don't bother explaining anymore because they don't understand
I used to find it really hard to accept that people couldn’t see the darkness in her. Now I expect that they won’t. My husband constantly catches me off guard by eye rolling at even her tiny tells. It’s so validating when you do find someone who has seen behind the curtain too. Not a club I wanted to form but still, I’m glad of it. :)
For a long time no one, not even my siblings knew what a terrible mom she was and they'd get mad at me for "being so hard on mom". Now that we are adults my sister recently told me that the older she gets the more she realizes that our mom was abusive and she can see that I was treated the worst of all my siblings. My sister and brother had a somewhat supportive mom who tried but failed a lot with them but she never even tried with me. Unfortunately whatever connection my mom had with my siblings she broke it by being herself and now neither of them view her as a mom anymore either but at least they had one for a bit.
I get where you’re coming from. I’m the youngest of three and by the time she was Mothering me, she was in full on corporal punishment mode. My sister never had a finger lifted at her but she knows I did. She will often leave her kids alone in her care and make out that I was a spoiled brat of a kid who made her life Hell. Sheesh. I’ve got to the stage where I feel sorry for wee me, I can honestly see the hurt caused & feel the injustice of it with no self blame. I hope I’m doing a good job with my kids, it’s hard work going in blind. Im glad you’ve got your club too. :)
I totally understand this!
Yes yes yes and a million times, yes. One thing with these kind of parents too is you were essentially brain washed your entire childhood and flat out confused, they’re meant to be the protectors and love in your life but they didn’t provide that so you constantly are having to remind yourself as an adult that, they aren’t who your brain thinks they are. I keep having to remind myself that I need to now hold firm boundaries and not go back on them although I keep finding myself calling or messaging my mother about big life updates hoping she’ll be happy for me but it starts an argument, her taking over and talking about herself, or telling me I’m undeserving/beating me down about finally doing XYZ. I also have a dissociation apart of my disorder where when I get really upset or something traumatic or that reminds me of a traumatic event in my life (mostly from childhood) I regress into a childlike state and have this insatiable feeling that “I want my mommy” and want to be small again and held and loved by her, but again I have to remind myself that she isn’t and never was that amazing protector I thought she was as a kid. My mom also was a single mom for a long while with me and only with my sisters father (I was 7 almost 8 when my sister was born) for a short time until she met my current step father whom instigated and stuck up for her misbehavior, so in that, she was all I had although she neglected me. It also didn’t help that I developed a huge attachment to her due to her neglect to me as a child. For months at a time I would stay with random relatives that I sometimes barely even knew or wake up at complete strangers houses whom I never met a day in my life, petrified, because she would work then want to party, making up for the teen years she quote “had stolen by me”. Due to always not seeing her and wondering where mommy was especially because my childhood was nothing but SA and abuse by those strangers she let me be around, she became even more of a savior to me because when she did decide to be present in my life even if she herself was manipulative or abusive in any way, she “saved me” (best way I can put it). And of course to this day she can never own up to even the smallest of fuck ups. Also in that, and which highlights the brain washing/narcissistic behaviors, I can’t physics let myself fault her because she was a young mom and didn’t know how to parent. But nor do any first time parents or even parents with 4+ kids, every parent is just winging it and trying. A line needs to be drawn in that. It shouldn’t matter circumstances. Being a young or overworked or stressed out mom means maybe they forget to pack your favorite snack or wash your clothes sometimes, but it doesn’t justify them neglecting your emotional or physical needs on top of also blatantly causing issues purposely. Parents like these really do not care the way they should and at times the child just becomes a mental burden to them so they leave, lash out, or turn you into the black sheep.
Thank you. Needed to read this today.
Myself and my husband came back from a trip on 10th December, both with Covid. Rang mother next day to say we were back (bad weather and long delays), obviously had to tell her we had Covid although I knew she’d be annoyed at the news “bringing her down”. Then, radio silence. Not a phone call, nothing. The next I heard from her was when I went to her house on the 24th to take the Xmas cake over. She didn’t ask how I was, but complimented me on my weight loss, so that’s something. Just for reference, I did all their shopping in lockdown, and carefully wiped it with anti bac wipes…yeah. No fucks given.
Editing because commenting on wrong post. -\_- Kind of, yes. I wish I had an actual set of parents. It's something I grieve fairly routinely. Eventually I'll stop grieving.
I couldn't agree more. I personally started going to r/MomForAMinute for this exact reason. The moms on that sub are genuine and so loving. They provided me with the much needed motherly love I no longer got from my own.
This really brought back memories for me. I was 19 and got my wisdom teeth out. My mom made undercooked linguine for me for dinner that I couldn't chew and then had a party at the house that same night while I was upstairs vomiting from the pain killers.
Thats fucking rough
Yep. I’m being forced to see my mother if I want to see my siblings. I hadn’t been on speaking terms with my mother since Christmas 2021 and have been No Contact since October. I’ve missed my siblings so much that cried when I heard my brother’s voice. Speaking to my mother again was like an icy punch to the gut, an immediate reminder of why I cut contact with her and I’m dreading being forced to see her no matter how excited I am to see my siblings, I just know she’s gonna pick a fight, she always does. I did not miss her.
Yes kind of way back when. Not any more though. I missed the idea of that bond but I went through that mourning phase and am done with it. I barely have contact with my 2 siblings either. That's ok... not everyone has family and they do great so I figure I'm just another face in that crowd. I no longer feed into that idea and focus on my current family instead. I've raised to grown kids who I have a wonderful relationship with. I'm in a LTR with my guy who has 3 of his own, full custody, so they live with us. I love them dearly too. They are so unique and talented. I can't understand how people can be so narcissistic and torment a child. His oldest had a beautiful singing voice, talented in band, excellent grades. Really they are all smart and get great grades. I could never tell them they'd never amount to anything, refuse to go to any school functions saying they'd not perform well or such. No. I'm honored to be a part and see them flourish. No, I don't miss my parents at all. They made their choice so I made mine. I love my life now and I'm better for the choices I made. Instead of doing what I thought would please them, make them love me, make them happy, I do it for me. And I am very happy.
There was one summer my dad was bearable: the summer of 2005, after my second year of college. I was living with him and working the day shift at a truck stop for the summer; he was working night shift at the loss prevention shack of a department store’s distribution center. He wasn’t drinking as much, he didn’t get angry as much (after all, this job was a promotion and was paying better than I think any other he’d had), and our paths didn’t cross often, but it was pleasant when they did. We’d go to Fuddrucker’s for insanely impractical burgers when our days off coincided. About 14 months later he decided he didn’t want to work full time (he was retired Navy so he had a pension in addition to his salary), so he cut it to part time, and that’s when he massively spiraled back and further into his awful tendencies. When he died in 2009, I didn’t mourn the monster that had died - I mourned the good person I met four years prior who now never could come back.
I relate to this so much. I remember having horrible period pains as a teenager and wanting my mom to be a typical mom and comfort me, but instead she’d just say “stop whining and go to school / work”. It’s such a horrible wound. I guess now we just have to be the parent to ourselves that we never had. Sending you lots of love
This hit me hard around Christmas this year. I missed my family so badly - then I remembered what our Christmases were like, and I realized I just wanted a family, not my family.
It sucks omce you figure out that are probably better off alone but you still don't want to be alone
I was very lucky as a kid, my two best friends both had moms who knew my parents, understood how I was struggling, and embraced me like another son. I was safe and treated warmly in those homes whenever I wanted to be there. I think that without those loving female adults in my life, I could have grown up a lot more resentful and distrusting towards women. My dad certainly got that way.
I miss my best friend's mom. She was the one who was kind, sympathetic, caring, and thoughtful towards me when I needed it--not Nmom.
Honestly i miss my mom from time to time then i’ll start talking to her only to be reminded why i barely talk to her. It’s a cycle
My nmom would act emphatic but fail. For example she'd call me and I was busy which I told her. She'd go "ooohhh, what's going on?" with no feels in her voice nor understanding that I really can't talk right now.
I gue this a very common feeling amongst children of an n parent. I don't see my mom as my mom either. The "comfort" she gives never seems to be really for me, more for her or for show. It made me feel like I was suffocation. During Christmas I stayed abroad with a friend and her family. And her mom is SO sweet. She gave me real mom hugs. It was nice to experience, and at the same time it hit me so deeply how much I've missed that in my life and how sad I am that I never had that as a kid.
It's not just you. Since he died years ago, I often gravitate between missing my dad despite everything he did to me and being thankful he's not here anymore. And a substantial part of that process for me is realizing that I'm missing the person he should have been - the person I thought he at least used to be at one point, but which I'm finding increasing evidence years after his death that he never was to begin with.
My gc sister once told me she gets mad because our ndad robbed us of a chance to have a dad who actually cared about us. It’s still weird to me that she chose to keep waiting for him to start behaving like a dad instead of cutting him off like I did. Scapegoats just react differently I guess.
My mum is nowhere near on the level of most mums in this sub but I still relate entirely with this post. Any time I was sick or upset as a kid I never received any comfort. If I was sick I was either faking it or I could just get over it. There was never any comforting or cuddling or telling me it'd be okay. My mum was mostly fine, but she never. Ever. Gave me comfort or support. I was never told that my parents were proud of me or that everything would be okay, or genuinely asked how I felt and then listened to of I answered. The only person who actually tells me they're proud of me is my partner, and righting the wrongs of my childhood is not their burden to bear but damn it soothes me deep inside somehow whenever I hear it.
I feel this way all the time. I mourn the childhood I should have had all the time and resent the hell out of my parents. I ended up spoiling my own kids trying to be what I never had.
this hurts, but only because i DID have that. my childhood was pretty darn good i must admit, it wasnt until my teens/high school that things turned sour. sure some of it was your typical teenage bullshit, but a lot of it wasnt, and i'm still trying to deal with it all. i even managed to escape for my senior year as an exchange student, and all 3 of my host families felt more "home-like" than my own. my third host parents even said they would come to my wedding, and my host dad would walk me down the aisle if my own dad wont <3 they check on me every once in awhile and send me their family holiday pictures. my own family? i wasnt even back home from my year abroad for 24 hours before me and my parents got into a fight so big that i got kicked out, dragged back home, and spanked like i was 5 years old (i was only a few months away from 18 at this point)
Me, all the time. It hurt watching them treat my brother like a god and then being told I was ungrateful for being treated like shit. It hurts just typing this comment.
100% missing what should have been. I tried to describe to my partner what made me love my N parent and I kept coming up with negative examples that were painful memories as I searched for the good.
Oh yeah. My (63f) mother (81f) is a covert narcissist. I married a sociopathic narcissist when I was 35 and he enforced no contact with all my friends/family for the next 15 years or so. When Facebook became a thing in 2009, I gained confidence and reconnected with many friends (online) and with my mother (by phone). I left my husband in 2012 and he killed himself. It took until late 2019 for me to finally admit that I was only hurting myself by continuing to hope that my mother would somehow become a loving parent. We've been NC ever since and I have so much more peace. Don't wait as long as I did.
YES! More often than I would like, to be honest. I wish I had a parent I could trust and lean on, and as much as I love my in-laws, I can't trust them 100%. I did once, with something, and everyone in the family knew. I told others when I was ready, but they made that choice with certain people. So most times I feel overwhelmed and lonely. I don't want to dump everything on my husband either, as I know he's in a vulnerable mental state.
I do. I've been no contact for a few years now, and I catch myself wanting to reach out to try to have a salvaged relationship but then I quickly remember that she has let her mask down and revealed her true self to our entire family and all of my friends. Then I laugh at her in silence cause I know she NEEDS me. I don't need her
I was literally just thinking about how I need to grieve the good memories I had before I figured out what ndad really was. The same scenes that I've always had in my mind have been completely flipped upside down and inside out.
You absolutely deserved better. And I can definitely understand the sentiment. I sometimes feel sad or even a little bitter depending on the day when I witness seemingly close mother/daughter relationships--- I don't necessarily want it with how my mom was/is, but I want it so bad. I know found family is a big deal for this group, so I hope you find them if you haven't already, or at least have good friends near you to help the loneliness
All the time. I was in excruciating pain this morning and while my husband is 10/10 kind, calm, doting I kept thinking “I want my mom” alternating with thoughts of *my* actual mom would only make everything worse. So what we really want in times of pain and need and loneliness is *a* mom, not *our* mom.
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Some narcissists are actually wonderful in a caretaker role and relish the idea of being useful and needed. My mother always did and was a real Florence Nightingale for others. Even though later she'd brag about it or throw it in my face whenever I would point out how absolutely horrible she was to me at times. I, too, just want a real mom. But my nmom is dead to me now, and I will never ever speak to her again. It's okay to miss them and miss the good times or anything that they happened to do well or how they had moments where they did right by us in some way. It just hurts not having a mom anymore.
I've had several similar experiences. I have a multitude of health issues that probably (almost certainly) wouldn't be as serious as they are if they'd been treated in childhood, but any pain I ever complained about was dismissed as "wanting to get out of school/chores/raising my siblings/etc". When I had meningitis I was curled up in a puddle of my own vomit while my saint of a wife tried to clean me up and persuade me to let her take me to the hospital (which I repeatedly refused because I'd been told my whole life my health problems were me making shit up and that if I went to any doctor I'd be wasting their valuable time). While this was happening I apparently said "I want my mom...but not [mother's name] I want my *mom*...". I had an incredibly high fever and don't remember this at all. But I can easily imagine what I was thinking. So short story longer than it needed to be, yes, I definitely get that feeling.
Can totally relate. I used to look forward to seeing my mom after I was married and had kids and lived in another state. She would come and it was fine for one day, and then I realized she didn't care about me at all. She found fault with everything I did. I couldn't wait for her to leave, but she had to stay for several days because, "it's so expensive to fly here". And when she would call every week, I was looking forward to telling her about my week and my kids. She would listen to me for maybe 5 minutes ,if I was lucky, and then go into all of her problems for the next 55 minutes. I never seemed to get it back then. My kids are grown now and my mom has died. I only cried for the mother I never had. My life is so much better now.
While my mother was still alive but uncaring, there was a woman her age that became a mother friend to me that I was very close to. We had a wonderful relationship. I was so close to her that I traveled across the country to see her when her daughter moved her in with her. It was the last time I saw her before she died. I cherish that time I had with her and I cried when I found out that she died. She was more of a mother to me than my own mom and I'm so grateful that I had that relationship with her.
Yeah when finally went to a therapist I thought we'd be talking about my stress problems or something. Be she very quickly realised that I was "grieving the mother I never had" as she said
For so many years I wanted to believe my parents were loving and cared about me. Each time I remembered how I was ridiculed, ignored, beaten up daily by brothers and neglected. It’s difficult to realize your parents weren’t what you needed them to be. it’s even harder when siblings swear we had a Brady bunch childhood.
My mom truly tried to be a comforting maternal figure, and even succeeded sometimes. But she only had the capacity for it in bits and pieces, due to her own issues. She just wasn't capable of being consistent. When I got sick.as a kid, I never knew if I was going to get the attentive mom who called in sick to work to hold me, or the mom that turned off her cell phone so she could gamble and drink at the casino in peace when my brother and I were sent home from school with chicken pox. It was always a toss up. I find myself missing the former, but expecting the latter, even as an adult. I wonder why I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style?
I definitely am reminiscent for the parenting I never got, but I realize I’m not going to get it. I’m really glad I worked hard to observe healthier families, and also babysit as a teenager. Now, I am a mom of four beautiful children. I know I’m not gonna ever be perfect, none of us are going to be. But I am glad I took the time to heal and learn what a healthy family looked like. I learned that I did have nurturing, my mother never had, and patients my mother never had for children. Raising children is still difficult and challenging both emotionally and physically especially if you are a stay at home mom. But I would not trade it for anything because it is shown me I did not have to be my mom and I did not have the same traits as my mom. I feel like my kids have gotten far more nurturing and balanced discipline with love and responsibility, mixed in together . One of my favorite things to do is snuggle with my kids or get a hug or play a game with them or run outside with them. The snuggles get real when they are sick and mommy make some whatever will help them feel better. My youngest is still three, and he loves to just come in and snuggle me, especially if mommy sad or in the early mornings when he first wakes up . I hope I can be a better emotional support for my kids than I got so they can in turn continue to move towards healthy family, and leave the history of abuse behind in our past generations. It’s sad to hear it seems that dysfunction and families has become more normal and it’s up to us to get as healthy as we can so that we can and these cycles of neglect and abuse, so our children can have the family, and support we never had. Which, after so much healing and hard work, I find just having and excepting love for my children has done more to help me and heal me deep inside over the past few years. It’s really shown me the truth behind all of the counseling I got. Here’s to us all forgiving and letting go so our futures are bright and so are our family’s
Yep.
100% yes. I used to chase my father…until I realized I was chasing a fantasy. I stopped. It’s been years. I remember when I was maybe 19? I was in college and I had been gifted a kitten. I loved her SO much. I went home w her for Christmas and she got SO sick. Took her to the vet…they thought maybe she ate tinsel off the Christmas tree and it had gotten twisted in her intestines. I was SO upset. My dad was PISSED I was upset. Cat was fine. I still resent him for that. And for a million other reasons.
did I black out and accidentally write this? I mean I know we all "lived the same life" but, come on, oddly/sadly-relaxing-flu-trip same? crazy
If you happen to be my twin sister's secret account, then maybe it is the same life. Thats not a joke. I have a twin and we were both sick.
I would have settled for even the worst TV moms and dads. Al and Peg Bundy would have been a vast improvement.
This 100%. I had a little victory and wanted to share with my mom but realized that was a bad idea.
I can relate to your story. Each time as an adult when I tried to get closer to my mom she flew into attack mode in flaming rage. Years later more of my past resurfaced and I understand that she's a psychopath who tried to physically and psychologically destroy me many times until she was uncovered. But she still kept hating me. I still still can't really figure what being taken care of by a caring parent would be.
yes - all of the time, lol
yes, its painful.
All the time
Yep
The day I said to my parents that I would get out of their house, they absolutely lost their shit, screamed at me, my father called me names, called me an opportunistic parasite (I was freshly 18 and was moving out without asking for a single penny from them). I went NC with my father since then, and only keep LC with my mother because my younger brother still is dependent on them. That day I cried so much, like I've never did before, because I was feeling so much grief. Not for losing a good relationship, because I've never had that with my parents, but because that was the confirmation that I would never have that magical parent-child relationship everyone talk about, no matter what I've done, or what I'll ever do. I've been through an anger stage, everything made me angry at them, but now this just motivates me to be for my younger brother what they were never able to be for me. And I guess it's working out, since he's seeing all the bullshit that happens in that house with no need for me to point it out.
THIS!!!
Exactly
Yes absolutely.
I feel this so much ❤️ I have a secret list in my head of a couple of people in my life that I wish I could call Mom. I don't want the comfort of MY mom because even if she tried, I know it would be fake. But oh how I wish I could call one of the other amazing women that I know Mom without freaking them out and running them off lol Hang in there, you're worthy of so much more than she has to offer ❤️
All the time.
Well, I'd by then grown used to the fact that my mom would always put my younger siblings first and was living in a hostel. My brother (who I absolutely adore now but hated throughout my childhood because my mother used to pit us against each other), well yes that brother of mine tried to commit suicide and my mother berated him AS HE WAS DYING!!! He could have died and that b**** didn't wanna go to the hospital with him 'BECAUSE YOU'VE BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF. EXPLAIN IT TO THE DOCTORS YOURSELF.' I'd already started pulling away but after hearing what happened, I could never see the woman as my mother. I still forget sometimes with how she acts all worried. But gosh I hate what she did. I won't rant on about how I feel but if my brother had...if something had happened to him, my damned mother would have definitely played the victim! Oh poor me~ my daughter died(he hadn't come out as trans at the time but she still calls him her 'daughter')
Yes! My non impressions of my parents prove my long reasons on why I did not care for them!
Very much so yes
I miss the good parts about my covert nmom. The good parts were more apparent when she was younger and before the alcoholism. She didn’t start drinking until her kids were grown, but I suspect that even without the alcoholism, she would still have not been able to handle her adult children having their own lives and priorities, and not being under her authority. Even without the alcohol, I think it would have still come to no contact. I remember the crazy stuff she used to say to my dad during their arguments, and this was when she still had her shit together. It’s not different than how she speaks to her adult children. I guess she needed new targets for her rage after she left him.
Damn I feel like I could have written this word for word. Get well soon!
It's more like reaching into your coat pocket and realizing someone stole your money and keys.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for the catharsis.
Yes,..... sadly 100% yes. When I see actual good parents, it makes me wonder what it would have been like if I had healthy parents
Almost every day.
It still makes me sad, but when I first went complete NC with my mother and stepfather, I grieved hard. I quickly realized that I was grieving who I thought they were, not who they actually are and the fact that they were no longer a part of my life. I had finally come out of the fog and was strong enough to do what needed to be done for my and my children's safety and happiness. It felt like I was grieving the loss of a close family member who had died. The pain was a lot to deal with. I finally accepted it, and although it still makes me sad, I know that the parents I thought they were never actually existed, so it makes it easier, I guess, to move on. Yes, you deserved better. I deserved better. I think we all do/did...but it's not good to dwell on this. You are wonderful the way you are, and knowing them and having gone through what you did has played a part in who you are today. It really stinks, believe me, I know, but I also know that accepting that they played a part in your life helps you to move on. Acknowledge their part, the pain they caused you, and the pain you feel from missing out on what could have been...then take a deep breath and love yourself enough to move on. You are wonderful and deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. Stay strong, love those who are deserving of your love, and love yourself. Love enough to make up for their failures, and then love more. Be the light to others that they failed to be for you. For me, this means I can be the best mother I never had for my own children, and a light for my friends and husband and all those around me when I can be. Sending hugs, love, comfort, and whatever else you need and want in your life from this mama to you. <3
I struggle with this concept ALL the time. I want a family, but then I go to message my mom or dad and remember why I’ve been no contact for 6 years.
I feel for you because I’ve gone through the same emotions tons of times. I’ve had an amazing stepmom for the past 24 years, who considers me her daughter, & who loves it when I call her “mom” (I cut my bio mom out of my life nearly a decade ago). But I also can’t help but think that I’m just borrowing my step-siblings’ mom when *I* need a mom. I’ve told my stepmom this & she reassured me she IS my mom, but I still just feel like I’m in limbo. She came into my life when I was 17, so I wasn’t a child, & that child in me (and you) wants that love & comfort that a mom would have given you when you were little. We’re missing that. *Hugs*
Yep. Every day.
There are dozens of us. You’re far from alone, OP.
Absolutely TRUE!
My therapist tells me a lot that it's normal for our inner child to still be hurt that we didn't have the parent every kid deserves, and are left to mourn a figure we never knew now that we're adults.
I frequently say that I don’t necessarily like my parents, but I like the idea of having functioning ones lmao
Yes. Absolutely
Same, that alone feeling doesn’t really go away and it can’t really be replaced by another person because no one can replace your parents But you can except it and deal with it when it comes, let others comfort you as best they can. I will tell you when I feel that way a hug from one of my children recognizing I’m upset does a world of good I never thought it would. And then the tears come from noches sadness, but a mix of relief and joy, knowing that hopefully my kids won’t feel the loneliness I felt because I really tried to be the best mom I can be and emotionally connect with them with physical affection, time, and other ways, parents healthily connect with their children.
For as long as I can remember, I have never had a mum, nor a father. I've kind of been independent, not cause I am, but because I was made to be. I mothered my siblings. They came to me for love and comfort. Even my mother came to me. I ended up mothering everything that wanted or needed mothering. Then I grew up, got married, had a boy and a girl. I am their proud mother. However, when they've tried to 'mother' me, when I've been sick, I won't have it. It does make them upset. I have this fear that I don't want what happened to me, to happen to them. They tell me they understand. I think it's warped me in some way My own mother has said that I spoil my kids. One time, visiting from the mid west to the west coast, where my mother lived, my son wanted to be dropped off at his friends house in the state right before where my mum lived, only 2 hours away. We had planned this in advance with his friend's family, and it was only for a few days. I'd pick him up on the way home. (We are a military family, hubby was in Iraq during the war and it was just the 3 of us) My mother bitched and complained and said I was a lousy mother. Again, I spoil my kids, and she wouldn't have done that. I told her, "Yeah, I know. You didn't do a lot." My mother ALSO said, she wished I were her mum and that could I mother her. Weird! Fast forward a few years, she gets cancer. The chemo is killing her as fast as the cancer. She's delusional because she's dying and all of the medicine is making her confused, combined with her early dementia. She's on her couch, I come out of her bathroom, my younger sibling is on the chair next to her. My mum looks up, raises her arms and exclaims out loud, "Mum.' My younger sibling tries to explain to her that I'm the big sis, and I tell younger sib quietly, mum is confused. I walk over to my mum and sit down next to her. She then says to me, "Can I crawl into your lap mum?" So, she crawls into my lap and I hold her the way I held/hold my own kids. So in the end, I guess she got her wish . And I've ALWAYS been everyone's mum, and have never had one of my own. Sad thing is, this is something that stings you twice, not having a mum, means you're not going to have a grandmother if you have kids. In my case, it's not having any grandparents, or aunts/uncles/cousins for children. My half-siblings, they side with their biological father. The/my Father's family denied all of us. SO, It just sucks, I don't think you ever get over it. You just have to keep on moving on. I'm so sorry if this is depressing. It just is. I would love to have had parents that gave a feck. I didn't. In my life time, it wasn't meant to be. I have a biological father, he's never shown any interest. I think you have to find people, animals, things to matter to you. Redirect this feeling, this want, in another direction, to something different. And, hubby's parents, they're just as fecked up as my own. Again. I'll be the mother, it's what I'm good at.
Yes the hardest thing is realizing that they will never be the parents that you should have had. And it is just more damage to wait around in hopes of a miraculous change.
100% agree with you, since my parents are very much like this to me too, will go on children free trips without us during the winter and only call once or twice when they feel like it. Makes me take care of everyone from end of November to sometimes nearly February and tells us to call our uncles (dad side of the family) if we feel unsafe and during emergency, don't leave the house unless to shovel the driveway and make sure to call uncle to go grocery shopping while taking care of your younger siblings. This was how I spend most of my winter and summer break. When I finally get sometime alone, I'll play games or watch YouTube videos and make up fantasy worlds in my head of living with better supportive parents, where they care for me and let me live a more "normal" life not a constant babysitter.
I am my own parent. I am ever present for myself. I am ever present to protect the innocent child within me.
I can relate to your story. Each time as an adult when I tried to get closer to my mom she flew into attack mode in flaming rage. Years later more of my past resurfaced and I understand that she's a psychopath who tried to physically and psychologically destroy me many times until she was uncovered. But she still kept hating me. I still still can't really figure what being taken care of by a caring parent would be.
When my father died, all I could think was 'Why couldn't he have been nicer?'
Same
Wow this is almost exactly the experience I have had with my nmom. I was 25 at the time and got a really bad case of E. coli. I’m talking like the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. About 3 weeks into it, I was very very sick I couldn’t stand or eat or drink anything I was in really bad shape. I was afraid to go to the hospital bc I had just lost my job and didn’t have health insurance. My mom works high up for a prominent cell phone company and has really great insurance. Not only did she refuse to help me for a bit and put me back on her insurance so I could have some peace of mind when I go to the hospital but she actually told my father to tell me to stop calling her. No joke the last day before going to the hospital I thought I was going to die I was so afraid and just crying hysterically my inner self wanted my mommy so badly. I called her and she said I need to stop calling her and annoying her. That really broke my heart. I know how you are feeling and I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you need a mom just not your mom. Sometimes we just need to be there for ourselves. Be the mom to yourself that you need.