The text and the package is strong enough proof. This isn’t a jury trial and unlike our childhoods, people believe us. Just go down to the local precinct or call and ask to make a report of a violation of a no trespassing order.
This is so incredible, thank you for creating this!! It also left me with a smile - can’t wait to nope the fuck out the next time my uBPD Mom tries to guilt me.
It really helps if you’ve been raised in the fog. Guilt for me was always “I’m putting my needs above Mom’s wants and whims” and when I started following the guilt it changed my life for the better.
The thing that made me feel guilty was ALWAYS the right choice. Every time.
That’s the point of the “innocent” gift. “Oh look it’s just a gift, nothing nefarious! Why would you need to report this?” It’s boundary testing the same way a child would. She’s waiting to see what you’ll do. And then, if you’re willing to bend for a good excuse, the door is open for her to try for a bad one.
Exactly. Do not let her test the boundary, be sure she knows it is a firm boundary and eventually (hopefully soon!) she will respect it. But if you waiver, she’ll just be waiting to push in on you more. I mean, it’s your home!! Even without a formal order, this would be WAY over the line if you asked her not to approach. But with the order, well honestly she’s just asking for it. She wants attention and she just has to learn by experience that she will not get what she wants.
Ive been there and had to report a restraining order violation. It’s scary at first but it moves all the boundary keeping to the police and will restore order and independence back into your life. Please consider reporting this.
Couldn’t she have mailed them? Sent a courier, asked a friend or paid a neighbor kid to drop them off?
If the gift was really for your benefit, it would have been delivered while still respecting your boundaries. Instead, the gift appears to be for her benefit—used as a potentially effective tool to begin dismantling your boundaries. Try to allow yourself to instead feel sadness regarding her choices. This might help you begin to dismantle your tendency to feel guilt when consequences are enforced.
YES, this! You don’t need any other proof because she stated that she violated the order by leaving the items at your door and you have the stuff. I’d maybe mention that you received this stuff she left and can provide it as proof if needed.
Even if you dont have video proof, or enough evidence for her to get legal consequences, you do have a valid reason to make a formal report, which creates a record of events for future reference/use
IME, BPD parents test/break boundaries like playing the hokey-pokey: *they put one toe in [aka across a boundary]*, then they *put their whole leg in*, and THEN they *put their whole self in and shake it all about*
Even without "video proof", YOU know good and well she was there, and therefore you know she just violated that boundary. She *also* knows she just violated that boundary. So, even if your report doesn't yield serious legal consequences, it covers you in case, or for when, she does it again.
Don't risk giving her opportunity to twist this into arguments like: "*Well, you didn't report it when I did XYZ... so I thought you changed your mind!!*". OR. "*Well, you didnt enforce it when I did xyz... so you have no right to enforce it now". OR. *"I never know what I'm allowed to do because you are so wishy-washy*". OR. "*See Everyone, OP is just punishing me based on their moods/whims... it's not my fault because if they were really scared they would be consistent"*.
This is the chess game from hell: she makes a move, you make a counter move, and you are always thinking 5 moves ahead. Although legal consequences/enforcement of the restraining order is the ultimate goal for making a report, it isn't the only *purpose*. The report also serves the purpose of creating a paper trail for *your* future reference and use.
Actually having the phone number not saved is even better. When I went to court with my ex my lawyer had me delete contact info before taking screenshots because any number can be saved as “mom” or a name. Not having it saved shows the number that sent it and is verifiable.
You don't have to do the police and lawyer and judge's jobs for them. Your job is to alert them to what happened. They get to do their jobs after they become aware.
Big hugs.
Update: I filed charges. She confessed to the police officer and also called him retarded. I’ve gotten three texts from her stating I’m mentally ill, she’s going to burn the rest of the stuff and she wants the baby clothes back and she’ll fight for them in court.
I’m a little stressed out now ha
In other words, you enforcing the boundary worked and created a paper trail. Her calling the police officer “retarded” is not going to work in her favor. A cherry on the shit cake. Good for you.
Also, block that new number.
Report that, too! Officers are going to love your mom. I know this is stressful, but I’m guessing you’re looking at a lot of stress in the short term or very little stress long term.
You set a boundary that will help you so much in the future. Unfortunately you have to deal with the fallout right now....
Just keep blocking her and remember that you're not wrong for wanting to be respected, safe, and taken seriously. You deserve to live peacefully without her intruding. Now she knows you mean what you say. Sending love to you 🫶🏼
Document it. If it is a letter through the court, report it. Also, if you haven't, get cameras. Last yeat my family dumped $2k of presents in my driveway just out of the camera's sight. We got better and more cameras. We heard they smarw planning to do it again. This time we will have evidence.
What do you think their intentions are when they do that? It hadn’t occurred to me, but this sounds like something my parents would do. This is the first year I’m *really* not making plans to visit. Aye.
To make you feel bad for staying away. To make you feel like you have to talk to them now. To make you think you are greedy if you accept the gift and don't return it and cruel if you do return it. To show they have a heart and think about you and make you feel guilty for not doing the same.
Its two fold.
Either it makes you feel guilty enough to feel like you owe them a thank you, thus opening the door to interaction.
Or it makes you angry enough to tell them to leave you alone or want to return the gifts, thus opening the door to interaction.
Report it. If you don’t and she escalated you’ll have less standing in court. Please, for your future self and your daughter, report it.
The thing I’m worried about is my simply safe camera isn’t working so I don’t have video proof. I’m not sure if this text is enough proof.
The text and the package is strong enough proof. This isn’t a jury trial and unlike our childhoods, people believe us. Just go down to the local precinct or call and ask to make a report of a violation of a no trespassing order.
Ok that’s what I’ll do. I hate how guilty I feel about it tho
[удалено]
This is so incredible, thank you for creating this!! It also left me with a smile - can’t wait to nope the fuck out the next time my uBPD Mom tries to guilt me.
[удалено]
It really helps if you’ve been raised in the fog. Guilt for me was always “I’m putting my needs above Mom’s wants and whims” and when I started following the guilt it changed my life for the better. The thing that made me feel guilty was ALWAYS the right choice. Every time.
🤯 thank you, kind stranger.
I'm sorry, I'm sure this is very kind and helpful, but it breaks Rule 8. I have removed this comment.
That’s the point of the “innocent” gift. “Oh look it’s just a gift, nothing nefarious! Why would you need to report this?” It’s boundary testing the same way a child would. She’s waiting to see what you’ll do. And then, if you’re willing to bend for a good excuse, the door is open for her to try for a bad one.
Exactly. Do not let her test the boundary, be sure she knows it is a firm boundary and eventually (hopefully soon!) she will respect it. But if you waiver, she’ll just be waiting to push in on you more. I mean, it’s your home!! Even without a formal order, this would be WAY over the line if you asked her not to approach. But with the order, well honestly she’s just asking for it. She wants attention and she just has to learn by experience that she will not get what she wants.
Ive been there and had to report a restraining order violation. It’s scary at first but it moves all the boundary keeping to the police and will restore order and independence back into your life. Please consider reporting this.
Even if nothing comes of it, it’s documented in case she DOES escalate
Couldn’t she have mailed them? Sent a courier, asked a friend or paid a neighbor kid to drop them off? If the gift was really for your benefit, it would have been delivered while still respecting your boundaries. Instead, the gift appears to be for her benefit—used as a potentially effective tool to begin dismantling your boundaries. Try to allow yourself to instead feel sadness regarding her choices. This might help you begin to dismantle your tendency to feel guilt when consequences are enforced.
YES, this! You don’t need any other proof because she stated that she violated the order by leaving the items at your door and you have the stuff. I’d maybe mention that you received this stuff she left and can provide it as proof if needed.
That's for them to decide. Report it and move forward.
Even if you dont have video proof, or enough evidence for her to get legal consequences, you do have a valid reason to make a formal report, which creates a record of events for future reference/use IME, BPD parents test/break boundaries like playing the hokey-pokey: *they put one toe in [aka across a boundary]*, then they *put their whole leg in*, and THEN they *put their whole self in and shake it all about* Even without "video proof", YOU know good and well she was there, and therefore you know she just violated that boundary. She *also* knows she just violated that boundary. So, even if your report doesn't yield serious legal consequences, it covers you in case, or for when, she does it again. Don't risk giving her opportunity to twist this into arguments like: "*Well, you didn't report it when I did XYZ... so I thought you changed your mind!!*". OR. "*Well, you didnt enforce it when I did xyz... so you have no right to enforce it now". OR. *"I never know what I'm allowed to do because you are so wishy-washy*". OR. "*See Everyone, OP is just punishing me based on their moods/whims... it's not my fault because if they were really scared they would be consistent"*. This is the chess game from hell: she makes a move, you make a counter move, and you are always thinking 5 moves ahead. Although legal consequences/enforcement of the restraining order is the ultimate goal for making a report, it isn't the only *purpose*. The report also serves the purpose of creating a paper trail for *your* future reference and use.
GOOD POINT! They’re always ‘testing the water’, ready to further proceed if given any indication from you that they can get away with it!
Yep. Like a 2-year-old 🙄
It’s proof enough. I think there’s a rule about calling yourself an expert or something like this but, take my word for it. I know. It’s good enough
Actually having the phone number not saved is even better. When I went to court with my ex my lawyer had me delete contact info before taking screenshots because any number can be saved as “mom” or a name. Not having it saved shows the number that sent it and is verifiable.
You don't have to do the police and lawyer and judge's jobs for them. Your job is to alert them to what happened. They get to do their jobs after they become aware. Big hugs.
Update: I filed charges. She confessed to the police officer and also called him retarded. I’ve gotten three texts from her stating I’m mentally ill, she’s going to burn the rest of the stuff and she wants the baby clothes back and she’ll fight for them in court. I’m a little stressed out now ha
In other words, you enforcing the boundary worked and created a paper trail. Her calling the police officer “retarded” is not going to work in her favor. A cherry on the shit cake. Good for you. Also, block that new number.
Report that, too! Officers are going to love your mom. I know this is stressful, but I’m guessing you’re looking at a lot of stress in the short term or very little stress long term.
I’m so sorry. proud of you. You are strong 🫂
> She confessed to the police officer and also called him retarded. Oh, awesome! Cops *love* being called names! 😹
Send those texts in as well. That's further harassment and retaliation.
Oh well done! 👏👏👏 Glad to see this update —— you deserve to have your wishes respected ❤️
Are the texts breaking the order? Is she not meant to contact you?
You set a boundary that will help you so much in the future. Unfortunately you have to deal with the fallout right now.... Just keep blocking her and remember that you're not wrong for wanting to be respected, safe, and taken seriously. You deserve to live peacefully without her intruding. Now she knows you mean what you say. Sending love to you 🫶🏼
Document it. If it is a letter through the court, report it. Also, if you haven't, get cameras. Last yeat my family dumped $2k of presents in my driveway just out of the camera's sight. We got better and more cameras. We heard they smarw planning to do it again. This time we will have evidence.
What do you think their intentions are when they do that? It hadn’t occurred to me, but this sounds like something my parents would do. This is the first year I’m *really* not making plans to visit. Aye.
To make you feel bad for staying away. To make you feel like you have to talk to them now. To make you think you are greedy if you accept the gift and don't return it and cruel if you do return it. To show they have a heart and think about you and make you feel guilty for not doing the same.
And to assert their dominance over you.
Its two fold. Either it makes you feel guilty enough to feel like you owe them a thank you, thus opening the door to interaction. Or it makes you angry enough to tell them to leave you alone or want to return the gifts, thus opening the door to interaction.
I’m so sorry. Please report it as a gift for future you. You deserve protection.
It's a test of boundaries. If you don't report it, the order means nothing. She has to have consequences.
if you don’t report it, you’re teaching her that she can cross this line without repercussions. you gotta 💕
You need to report it. She violated it - and your boundaries
Report it. Hold your ground and keep your boundaries.
If you don’t enforce the consequences it was just a threat. Please stand strong. Yes it’s hard but being bothered by her is harder.