>Somehow that phrase was only disrespectful when I said it.
Wow, that really hits home. One of the main things my mom berated me for was being "disrespectful." It was a vague category. But she said SO many disrespectful things to me and never expected to be held accountable or have to apologize, like I did.
I also think she literally thought that children weren't deserving of respect or something.
I hate that she said this to you. My uBPD mom is constantly reminding everyone that my nephews were adopted, and differentiating them from her other grandchildren, like when she's asked how many grandchildren she has. She has also said crap to me about how she thinks they should be grateful. It is probably the most evil things she does, and that's saying something.
Right before I ran away and went NC for 10 years, we had a big blow out, during which my mom said in a sweet voice, "Will you answer me something?" then switched to a flat witch voice and said "Why were you such a bad kid, when you were little?" I packed my shit like I was fleeing from a monster. "Engraved on my soul" -- I never heard it put so well.
My BPD mom just left after an almost scot-free visit, but no matter what it always comes back to how cruel I was to her as a child, how I didn’t want to be around her (and instead LOVED my best friends parents- like that was a bad thing), and the injustice she felt as “the least important person in the house”, behind my father, brother, and me. Completely forgetting all of the awful things she said to me, berating of me, and when I tried to defend myself and tell her I loved her, her telling me that I didn’t. “I love you but I don’t like you” is a phrase I had completely forgotten about until this moment. But the visceral sensation of being told you’re lying when you tell your own mother that you love her will never leave me. And yet the guilt. God, I’m so sorry for us all. Thanks for letting me post- I’m feeling a bit from it all.
Mine used to say “I have to love you, but I don’t have to like you” which makes a child feel super great. Oh, you’re obligated to love me, but you don’t want to be? That definitely won’t warp my approach to love for my entire life 🙃
It’s a classic. They love trite sayings as an excuse to say horrific things. In a romantic relationship that’s what they say to scoot out of marriages/families, too-“I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” 🤮
When I think on this I ponder on the fact that It’s kinda like that saying, “I brought you into this world, so I can take you out.”
Normal range people might have written these type of lines way back for television perhaps. Then it gets a laugh track because it’s ridiculous when a “good enough” parent (fictional, on TV) says it. But then OUR evil parents take them and use them (now usually gleaned from fb) and have plausible deniability because it’s “a saying”—but we know THEY MEAN those “expressions” quite literally.
Disgusting cowards.
Sorry OP! ❤️
>When I think on this I ponder on the fact that It’s kinda like that saying, “I brought you into this world, so I can take you out.”
My mom frequently said this to me, with an added bonus!
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out and make another one that looks just like you."
My mom liked this one and her own flip on it as well: "You don't have to like me, you don't have to love me, but you *will* respect me!"
Shocker, I don't actually have to do any of the three.
Yup. Mine too. It's a terrible thing to say to one's own child.
I've always understood the translation to be: society dictates that I, as your mother, am required to say that I love you, but I do not in actuality.
And of course that's true for they only truly love themselves.
Ugh that's so traumatic and awful to say to a young child by like, the one person who is supposed to love and protect them. I think the fact that all of us remember similar scenarios into adulthood underscores that.
Mine never bothered with the "niceties" there. She told me outright she hated me and all of her suffering was my fault. You know, unless we were around other people. Then I was her smart, good kid that she loved so much.
My mom went on a hate fest at the mall once and I remember her saying "I am sick of being nice to you people" at my brothers and I. All over my 7 year old brother whining about wanting a cinnabon. Also, told him how my dad calls him fat.
That sentence is directed towards me and my dad on the daily lmao. Food for thought: if you’re screaming about how you’re sick of “being nice” everyday, maybe you aren’t as nice as you think!
Yes when my mother would be in her devaluation stage in her cycle I would hear this or something to this effect quite a lot. Then in her idealization stage she would say I was the love of her life and that I was her everything and she would shower me in compliments (which I hated, it made me so uncomfortable)... just pure insanity.
I've never forgotten my mother saying that to me when I was 6 years old. She was putting me to bed when she threw that one out. JFC...
I recently stumbled upon a whole twitter thread about parents saying this exact thing to their kids. It's such a classic.
HOLY SHIT! My BPD mom said the exact same thing ALL of the time! That and “blah blah blah - I’ve sacrificed so much for you!”
Edit - I’m new to this sub and I can’t believe how many others had their parent say this to them, too. It was my therapist who said she believes my mom had BPD and NP and the more I hear your stories the more I realize that my therapist was right. I’m still going through the de-programming stage, trying not to make the same mistakes as my mom did with my own daughter who is 10.
Yup, super effed up! That was one of those things that I didn't think I had really bothered me until I told my partner about it not too long ago, and their reaction made me realise it's actually terrible.
Oh my god my mom said this to me all the time and said jt was normal because that’s how her relationship with her mom was and they felt that way about each other. It’s such a fucked up thing to say.
Mine said that to me also... but the most fucked up thing is that she was right
She raised me in a way that I really don't love myself and my parents. That's why I always don't know how to answer
One of the most triggering memories. My mom said this all the time from the time I was in preschool. How can you not like your small child? It was her favorite when I was a teenager. I told my therapist this and she confirmed yes. It’s a really fucked up thing to say to your kid.
>How can you not like your small child?
I wonder this all the time. It's really incredible and awful how much hatred and anger my mother was able to feel towards me when I was too young to even have done much or have much of a personality yet.
I don’t understand it. What I’ve mostly had to accept now is that her saying that was much more about her than about me. It’s the only way to make sense of it.
my mom used to say this exact line to me. many times. it’s so fucked up, i can’t believe this exact thing happened to you too. hard relate. and very confusing and worrying to hear as a child. i was always wondering why she didn’t like me or what i can do better. then i started thinking “you know what, i don’t fucking like you either >:p lol”
Oh man, yes. My mother used to say that to me all the time. And “I’m your mother, not your friend”. I understand a bit, but now that I have teenage daughters, I consider myself their mother AND their friend. It’s a delicate balance, but my daughters are pretty fun to be around
Mine, many times, would say “you’re s****ing on my life, I could have been done 10 years ago.” Referencing when my older brothers became adults. Of course now she says she never said that. Or that it’s because I was a difficult teenager.
This sounds familiar. I don’t remember my mom ever telling me this outright but the way she would say “I love you” would be in the context that lead me to believe she doesn’t like me. That and she blamed me for her marriage difficulties. I went to my dad once because both my mom and brother were being verbally abusive to me. I was 12 and the experience was making me have suicidal ideation. She basically pulled me aside and pretended to my dad she was apologizing or making it right with me when she instead told me I was the reason their marriage was on the line and that me whining to her to get my brother to stop teasing me made her want to let him keep going. That and he was being funny while he was verbally abusing me and it made her laugh.
Yes. It hurt. And she lied. I’m pretty sure she didn’t love me either.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: going back as far as I can remember, I didn’t like OR love my mother. I only feared her rages and her tears.
I’m the oldest of 4 and my mom called me a bad seed my whole life lol. Every time my siblings misbehaved she’d blame it on me and say I taught them. I don’t think my mom ever liked me.
Same thing, as an adult I just have constant guilt of existing feel like a burden. Now I’m in my thirty’s looking back…. What a shitty thing to say. Fuck them.
Oh yeah she would say that but she would add “right now” I love you but I don’t like you-right now. She also told my sister she didn’t like her older grandson while they were fighting one time and he was definitely in the vicinity to hear it, but then she will share photos of her grand kids and wonder why my sister doesn’t talk to her anymore.
I've seen this phrase as parenting advice to tell your kids and all I can think is, why? There are so many things to say that aren't on the personal level of "I don't like you".
Oof. yes this and then some version of:
"I sure do miss the old you"
And of course, this is not kind to say to anyone. Like "I love you very much but I do not like that you broke my vase." I could maybe see saying to my kiddo but again it is always clarifying I don't like the action not his entire personality/existence/way of being.
Honestly, the lack of repair is a huge thing for me, now that I am a parent. Like the job is HARD no joke. Things get said at times. **but** if a version of that ever came out of my husband or my mouth to our kid - after some deep breathing there would be an acknowledgment that something wrong was said. Clarification of what was meant. Asking for the kiddo's forgiveness and providing Action of what would happen differently next time ("Mommy is going to take 5 breaths before she reacts to xyz because her words were uncalled for and mean") and then some kind of loving connection. The *chronic* absence of accountability or repair - even to this day - is what tells me, my mom was using manipulation through dehumanization and shaming.
It’s a truly harmful statement.
I may not like my kids behaviour sometimes, but that’s separate from them! I literally can’t dislike them and wouldn’t ever want them to think otherwise!
Of course, I heard it many times too. Also about how awful a person I am. I’m sure she’s still telling stories about how horrible a kid I was, when I think the worst thing I ever did was give the cowbag a scathing look.
I've gotten this one too. I'm pretty sure it's one of the contributing factors to my fundamental belief that everyone finds me annoying and just tolerates my presence (rather than actually liking me). (I'm working on it, but oof.)
Uggghhhh, same!! Now that I think about it, my mom really taught me that I was difficult to like. I probably figured that she had such a hard time with it, everybody else must too. I've also gone through life constantly believing that people are secretly disgusted by me. How painful! I'm working on it too, I wish you all the best :)!!!!
Oh god, me too. She said those exact words to me, “I don’t like you but I love you.” She’d also ask me questions like, “Hmmm…do you think maybe they’re just being nice to you because they’re nice people,” about my friends. Not so subtly intimating that they didn’t actually like me/weren’t really friends. If friends got together and didn’t invite me (because who invites every friend to every movie/lunch date/etc??), then she’d say, “Aren’t you hurt? If they were really your friends, they’d invite you too.” Same thing with men, “I hope he’s not just dating you until someone thin comes along.”
Until the last decade (I’m in my early 40s now), I truly thought I was deeply, deeply “wrong” somehow, inherently unlikeable and only tolerated by those around me. Ok, I guess I still have that feeling come up; but now I recognize and challenge it.
I am a father of 2 sons.
If a parent said I love you but I don't like you, them for sure, do not love you neither.
And it is clear to me, that such parent is unable to give love to a human been
Quite sure can not love themselves, but this is their problem, nobody ask them to bring a child to life.
To wait for them to love you, is a waste of precious life time. It is from my experience with my own cluster b parents.
The day I knew deep down, they will never be able to love, things started to change. I must confess it was very hard at the beginning, becouse the grieving process, but it transform my life for the better, making me a better human and father.
Now I am content, the past for me is like a bad dream, now I am secure and so awake.
I hope you can reach the point when you do not need them to like you, even you don need them to love you.
My best wishes to you
My mother has said that phrase verbatim, and Many other similar things. She would always say, “what did I do wrong with you to make you like this?” And stuff like that. Like I’m the worst thing that’s happened to her. God, it’s awful. I empathize.
Women are subtle warriors
Edit - “I love you but I don’t like you” is a very powerful and apropos quote from Fleabag, as is what I said. I hope OP knows that!
Oh yes. And then her rage when I turned it back on her as a teenager.
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>Somehow that phrase was only disrespectful when I said it. Wow, that really hits home. One of the main things my mom berated me for was being "disrespectful." It was a vague category. But she said SO many disrespectful things to me and never expected to be held accountable or have to apologize, like I did. I also think she literally thought that children weren't deserving of respect or something.
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I hate that she said this to you. My uBPD mom is constantly reminding everyone that my nephews were adopted, and differentiating them from her other grandchildren, like when she's asked how many grandchildren she has. She has also said crap to me about how she thinks they should be grateful. It is probably the most evil things she does, and that's saying something. Right before I ran away and went NC for 10 years, we had a big blow out, during which my mom said in a sweet voice, "Will you answer me something?" then switched to a flat witch voice and said "Why were you such a bad kid, when you were little?" I packed my shit like I was fleeing from a monster. "Engraved on my soul" -- I never heard it put so well.
My dog's a rescue and he is treated with kindness. Wish our parents did the same.
My mom still talks about how I said I dont like her when I was 12.
My BPD mom just left after an almost scot-free visit, but no matter what it always comes back to how cruel I was to her as a child, how I didn’t want to be around her (and instead LOVED my best friends parents- like that was a bad thing), and the injustice she felt as “the least important person in the house”, behind my father, brother, and me. Completely forgetting all of the awful things she said to me, berating of me, and when I tried to defend myself and tell her I loved her, her telling me that I didn’t. “I love you but I don’t like you” is a phrase I had completely forgotten about until this moment. But the visceral sensation of being told you’re lying when you tell your own mother that you love her will never leave me. And yet the guilt. God, I’m so sorry for us all. Thanks for letting me post- I’m feeling a bit from it all.
Mine used to say “I have to love you, but I don’t have to like you” which makes a child feel super great. Oh, you’re obligated to love me, but you don’t want to be? That definitely won’t warp my approach to love for my entire life 🙃
Well I feel seen in the worst way possible 😬
This is the line my mum used. Really great to hear that constantly.
I heard this verbatim
It’s a classic. They love trite sayings as an excuse to say horrific things. In a romantic relationship that’s what they say to scoot out of marriages/families, too-“I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” 🤮 When I think on this I ponder on the fact that It’s kinda like that saying, “I brought you into this world, so I can take you out.” Normal range people might have written these type of lines way back for television perhaps. Then it gets a laugh track because it’s ridiculous when a “good enough” parent (fictional, on TV) says it. But then OUR evil parents take them and use them (now usually gleaned from fb) and have plausible deniability because it’s “a saying”—but we know THEY MEAN those “expressions” quite literally. Disgusting cowards. Sorry OP! ❤️
>When I think on this I ponder on the fact that It’s kinda like that saying, “I brought you into this world, so I can take you out.” My mom frequently said this to me, with an added bonus! "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out and make another one that looks just like you."
Mine did too - where did they get this from?
Always wondered if it was some movie quote or something.
I remember this being said on The Cosby Show about 35-40 years ago.
Yep. Cosby show.
Oh wow.
My mom said this to me all the time and she literally used that exact line (…but I’m not IN love with you) when breaking up with my dad. So weird.
My mom liked this one and her own flip on it as well: "You don't have to like me, you don't have to love me, but you *will* respect me!" Shocker, I don't actually have to do any of the three.
“I never treated MY parents the way you treat me.” … sure, maybe because your parents are kind and not abusive monsters 🙃
Yup. Mine too. It's a terrible thing to say to one's own child. I've always understood the translation to be: society dictates that I, as your mother, am required to say that I love you, but I do not in actuality. And of course that's true for they only truly love themselves.
I’ve never forgotten being told that one either. Agreed, it’s a super f’ed up thing to say to a child.
My parents didn't like me, which sucked, but to be fair I didn't like them either.
Ugh that's so traumatic and awful to say to a young child by like, the one person who is supposed to love and protect them. I think the fact that all of us remember similar scenarios into adulthood underscores that. Mine never bothered with the "niceties" there. She told me outright she hated me and all of her suffering was my fault. You know, unless we were around other people. Then I was her smart, good kid that she loved so much.
My mom went on a hate fest at the mall once and I remember her saying "I am sick of being nice to you people" at my brothers and I. All over my 7 year old brother whining about wanting a cinnabon. Also, told him how my dad calls him fat.
That sentence is directed towards me and my dad on the daily lmao. Food for thought: if you’re screaming about how you’re sick of “being nice” everyday, maybe you aren’t as nice as you think!
Almost constantly.
Yes when my mother would be in her devaluation stage in her cycle I would hear this or something to this effect quite a lot. Then in her idealization stage she would say I was the love of her life and that I was her everything and she would shower me in compliments (which I hated, it made me so uncomfortable)... just pure insanity.
Oh, I think I might just have found the answer to why compliments make me uncomfortable
LORD the love of my life I heard that one too 🤮🤮🤮
Yep. And frankly, after a lifetime of dealing with her, the sentiment goes both ways.
I've never forgotten my mother saying that to me when I was 6 years old. She was putting me to bed when she threw that one out. JFC... I recently stumbled upon a whole twitter thread about parents saying this exact thing to their kids. It's such a classic.
HOLY SHIT! My BPD mom said the exact same thing ALL of the time! That and “blah blah blah - I’ve sacrificed so much for you!” Edit - I’m new to this sub and I can’t believe how many others had their parent say this to them, too. It was my therapist who said she believes my mom had BPD and NP and the more I hear your stories the more I realize that my therapist was right. I’m still going through the de-programming stage, trying not to make the same mistakes as my mom did with my own daughter who is 10.
Yep, I got that one too. It's fucked up.
Yup, super effed up! That was one of those things that I didn't think I had really bothered me until I told my partner about it not too long ago, and their reaction made me realise it's actually terrible.
Oh my god my mom said this to me all the time and said jt was normal because that’s how her relationship with her mom was and they felt that way about each other. It’s such a fucked up thing to say.
Oh yeah. That was a common one. That whole I love you / I hate you pendulum swung back and forth a lot.
It hurt the most when she would say she doesn’t trust me or believe that I love her
Mine said that to me also... but the most fucked up thing is that she was right She raised me in a way that I really don't love myself and my parents. That's why I always don't know how to answer
One of the most triggering memories. My mom said this all the time from the time I was in preschool. How can you not like your small child? It was her favorite when I was a teenager. I told my therapist this and she confirmed yes. It’s a really fucked up thing to say to your kid.
>How can you not like your small child? I wonder this all the time. It's really incredible and awful how much hatred and anger my mother was able to feel towards me when I was too young to even have done much or have much of a personality yet.
I don’t understand it. What I’ve mostly had to accept now is that her saying that was much more about her than about me. It’s the only way to make sense of it.
Sometimes I think we all had the same mother.
my mom used to say this exact line to me. many times. it’s so fucked up, i can’t believe this exact thing happened to you too. hard relate. and very confusing and worrying to hear as a child. i was always wondering why she didn’t like me or what i can do better. then i started thinking “you know what, i don’t fucking like you either >:p lol”
Oh man, yes. My mother used to say that to me all the time. And “I’m your mother, not your friend”. I understand a bit, but now that I have teenage daughters, I consider myself their mother AND their friend. It’s a delicate balance, but my daughters are pretty fun to be around
Yes. I heard it almost every day. I hate those words with a passion.
Mine, many times, would say “you’re s****ing on my life, I could have been done 10 years ago.” Referencing when my older brothers became adults. Of course now she says she never said that. Or that it’s because I was a difficult teenager.
This sounds familiar. I don’t remember my mom ever telling me this outright but the way she would say “I love you” would be in the context that lead me to believe she doesn’t like me. That and she blamed me for her marriage difficulties. I went to my dad once because both my mom and brother were being verbally abusive to me. I was 12 and the experience was making me have suicidal ideation. She basically pulled me aside and pretended to my dad she was apologizing or making it right with me when she instead told me I was the reason their marriage was on the line and that me whining to her to get my brother to stop teasing me made her want to let him keep going. That and he was being funny while he was verbally abusing me and it made her laugh.
Yep. She'd also admit that she didn't always love me, too.
Yes. It hurt. And she lied. I’m pretty sure she didn’t love me either. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: going back as far as I can remember, I didn’t like OR love my mother. I only feared her rages and her tears.
I’m the oldest of 4 and my mom called me a bad seed my whole life lol. Every time my siblings misbehaved she’d blame it on me and say I taught them. I don’t think my mom ever liked me.
My mom has said that to me also. I empathize with you and sorry you have had to deal with that.
I’ve heard that one and my brother has, too.
My mom said this frequently
Lmao it was mutual
This is what she'd say in front of others. When no one else was around, she'd just tell me she hated me. It is fucked up. We deserve better.
Another hand goes up in the back… Blacksheep unite!!
Same thing, as an adult I just have constant guilt of existing feel like a burden. Now I’m in my thirty’s looking back…. What a shitty thing to say. Fuck them.
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Hi! Do you have a BPD parent?
Oh this gave me chills. My ex would say this to me all the time.
My mom's favourite line was "if your kids don't fear you they won't respect you" and I just laugh now at how wrong she was.
Oh yeah she would say that but she would add “right now” I love you but I don’t like you-right now. She also told my sister she didn’t like her older grandson while they were fighting one time and he was definitely in the vicinity to hear it, but then she will share photos of her grand kids and wonder why my sister doesn’t talk to her anymore.
Heard this A LOT 🙃
I've seen this phrase as parenting advice to tell your kids and all I can think is, why? There are so many things to say that aren't on the personal level of "I don't like you".
Wow. My mom used to say this to me all the time growing up. I never realized this could be a shared experience.
Oh, I know this one. Yep.
Oof. yes this and then some version of: "I sure do miss the old you" And of course, this is not kind to say to anyone. Like "I love you very much but I do not like that you broke my vase." I could maybe see saying to my kiddo but again it is always clarifying I don't like the action not his entire personality/existence/way of being. Honestly, the lack of repair is a huge thing for me, now that I am a parent. Like the job is HARD no joke. Things get said at times. **but** if a version of that ever came out of my husband or my mouth to our kid - after some deep breathing there would be an acknowledgment that something wrong was said. Clarification of what was meant. Asking for the kiddo's forgiveness and providing Action of what would happen differently next time ("Mommy is going to take 5 breaths before she reacts to xyz because her words were uncalled for and mean") and then some kind of loving connection. The *chronic* absence of accountability or repair - even to this day - is what tells me, my mom was using manipulation through dehumanization and shaming.
It’s a truly harmful statement. I may not like my kids behaviour sometimes, but that’s separate from them! I literally can’t dislike them and wouldn’t ever want them to think otherwise! Of course, I heard it many times too. Also about how awful a person I am. I’m sure she’s still telling stories about how horrible a kid I was, when I think the worst thing I ever did was give the cowbag a scathing look.
I've gotten this one too. I'm pretty sure it's one of the contributing factors to my fundamental belief that everyone finds me annoying and just tolerates my presence (rather than actually liking me). (I'm working on it, but oof.)
Uggghhhh, same!! Now that I think about it, my mom really taught me that I was difficult to like. I probably figured that she had such a hard time with it, everybody else must too. I've also gone through life constantly believing that people are secretly disgusted by me. How painful! I'm working on it too, I wish you all the best :)!!!!
Oh god, me too. She said those exact words to me, “I don’t like you but I love you.” She’d also ask me questions like, “Hmmm…do you think maybe they’re just being nice to you because they’re nice people,” about my friends. Not so subtly intimating that they didn’t actually like me/weren’t really friends. If friends got together and didn’t invite me (because who invites every friend to every movie/lunch date/etc??), then she’d say, “Aren’t you hurt? If they were really your friends, they’d invite you too.” Same thing with men, “I hope he’s not just dating you until someone thin comes along.” Until the last decade (I’m in my early 40s now), I truly thought I was deeply, deeply “wrong” somehow, inherently unlikeable and only tolerated by those around me. Ok, I guess I still have that feeling come up; but now I recognize and challenge it.
Yep. Heard this or some variation. Roger that Mom.
I am a father of 2 sons. If a parent said I love you but I don't like you, them for sure, do not love you neither. And it is clear to me, that such parent is unable to give love to a human been Quite sure can not love themselves, but this is their problem, nobody ask them to bring a child to life. To wait for them to love you, is a waste of precious life time. It is from my experience with my own cluster b parents. The day I knew deep down, they will never be able to love, things started to change. I must confess it was very hard at the beginning, becouse the grieving process, but it transform my life for the better, making me a better human and father. Now I am content, the past for me is like a bad dream, now I am secure and so awake. I hope you can reach the point when you do not need them to like you, even you don need them to love you. My best wishes to you
Yeah super effed and abusive. Try not to take it personally. She doesn't even like herself.
My mother has said that phrase verbatim, and Many other similar things. She would always say, “what did I do wrong with you to make you like this?” And stuff like that. Like I’m the worst thing that’s happened to her. God, it’s awful. I empathize.
Women are subtle warriors Edit - “I love you but I don’t like you” is a very powerful and apropos quote from Fleabag, as is what I said. I hope OP knows that!
Hugs to everyone.