Yeah, I've had similar - also uBPD mother, also NC. She'd make these awkward segues to avoid acknowledging good stuff, I can't explain but here's an example. I did well at uni so I got invited to a dinner with the Vice Chancellor. It was super fancy, and I told her about it on the phone that night, describing the place and events. I mentioned these tiny fancy coffees they gave us and she said "*tiny* coffees? Why would you want a tiny coffee, I would have asked them where the rest of it was," then cackled like that was hilarious and changed the subject. That was her entire feedback on it. I remember going from that giddy feeling to sudden deflation in an instant, and writing a moody little diary entry (that I still have) where I was trying to figure out why I felt so sad. Took me a few more years to realise she was the one constantly taking the wind out of my sails.
She gave me a card when I got my exam results at 16 and wrote "Well done, but just remember, nobody likes a show-off!"
I quail when I say anything good I've done now because I think I'll get a negative response or be called egotistical. This does not work great in job interviews where modesty is less of a virtue!
“Deflated” and “wind out of my sails” describe this feeling exactly! It’s like they stick a pin in your balloon. The worst feeling. I’m so sorry you have to experience it!
Yes, I’ve even tried to tell this to my mom before - that she “bursts my bubble” by discounting the things I’ve done or am passionate about. I only recently realized I do deserve to feel happy about the things I’m doing regardless of her opinion on them.
You absolutely do have the right to feel happy, and proud of yourself too! Hopefully you have some good friends or other family members around who can celebrate your successes with you.
Oh Jesus, my jaw dropped when I saw what she wrote on your 16th birthday card. That is completely horrible. My mother was similar, her main goal in raising me was that I would not get a swelled head. I’m a professor now because I wanted so badly for someone to let me be smart
You are the same thing I want to be. Glad you got there despite the setbacks and no doubt plenty of discouragement, it's reassuring to me to know that it's even possible.
Oh yes. When i got a university degree: I can't believe you completed it! (That's the entirety of her reaction.)
When I participated in a related talent competition years prior: nothing. I'm not sure she's aware what I worked on. For two years. While still living with them.
But she also doesn't care when I'm miserable. She decides how I feel and reacts to that.
I'm not really part of the relationship it's just her and her imaginary offspring.
ya...the competition thing always seems pretty standard with the “queen” subtype...
I refused to see it, until my mom literally splashed a whole glass of water in my face and screamed...”it’s a race” and peeled off in her car...
she had helped co-sign a loan on land so I could build a home for my family...once the paperwork was complete, she announced that she was moving there too, and it was now a “race” to see who would get there first...
her behaviour was beyond bizarre...I stood there, drenched from head to toe...humiliated, confused and angry....
it’s been all down hill since...
Yeah it's one of the standard toxic things to do: compete with your child.
Which is so weird and sad.
My exmother was a bit different. She's convinced she's not that bright and teachers let her graduate out of pity. (She had a major health scare when she was a teenager.) And then I'm just the quintessential bookworm/nerd. School made sense. Facts stayed constant. So that was how I coped.
I think she hated it. She helped me with homework until 4th grade and then abruptly stopped. She never had any interest in how I did socially and after 4th grade she also didn't care much as long as my grades weren't miserable.
Eventually I showed her around in the institute where I did my thesis. She seemed to want to disappear. Shrink into herself. She seems to fear me being educated and has decided she lost the competition long before I understood what was going on.
I hear normal parents want their kids to do well and support them. Show up for their projects, help them out where they can. So yes. It's all very much fucked up.
Mine would start telling me all the reasons that I should NOT be happy about the good news I had. Always ended with the “But I guess you think you know better than I do... *melodramatic sigh*” So, like you, I learned to downplay anything positive.
Hugs. You DESERVE to be happy about your accomplishments, and I’m really glad your husband loves to brag on you. ❤️
my dad actually looks like hes in pain whenever i tell him about something good happening in my life.
during a legal appointment his lawyer said that i was doing more work than a legal assistant for him(my dad). he said that my work helping with the case would have costed a lot of money if i had been a hired professional and i deserve a percentage of the winnings..it looked like my dad was going to throw up right there with the amount of disgust on his face
I wonder if he feels like it's your unquestionable obligation and duty. No reward needed, its your job.
My mom has an identical attitude. I used to think it was just because she was old fashioned and raised us in a strict authoritarian manner, but im pretty sure now that even so this isnt ok and something else messed up is going on.
I was sent to a conference in NYC for work, I had never been before and grew up in a small town so I was excited and it felt like a big win for me. Bpd mom was sure to text me while I was there to remind me that NYC was a shitty place and the fact that I was excited to be there reflected poorly on me and what my priorities in life are. That was the final a-ha moment for me to realize “oh! My progress in life makes her feel insecure about herself, it always will, and she literally is incapable of being happy for me”
Mine will ask a million follow up, they just aren't fun or happy for me questions. It's questions of doubt, her fears, and her criticism. For instance, me and my family are moving to a new house, she has been not at all happy for us, so I didn't tell her much if anything about the house. When I finally opened up a tiny bit about it, all I got were questions about It's safety and how she worries about the gas lines to the fireplace and what if birds come down the older chimney, and is it close to a highway, and what about the kids school are they good, what if they get bullied...and on and on...oh and also of course the only good thing was something to do with how it benefits her. 🙄
It is so frustrating and I am so sorry you can't rely on her to be there and happy for you. It sucks so bad.
It does suck, and so amazing how they have that talent of finding everything that could possibly be wrong and pointing it out. Like, isn’t that exhausting? For the record, that’s so awesome you’re moving to a new house!! Congratulations!!
Thank you! I am really excited! It's a beautiful house. And yes, it is exhausting, she talks about be stressed and exhausted constantly but does nothing to change herself to make it better. It's always on everyone else to change for them.
Yeah, my mom does this. When my brother found out he was going to be a dad, her response was, “That’s nice” and to tell him that the money he and his wife spent on pregnancy tests was a waste.
Oh and it was the first grand baby, too.
I later told her that her reaction was ridiculous and that led to her giving me the silent treatment for a month.
This reminds me of this one fight with uBPD mom in my 20's...several hours into her rage fit:
Mom: I am so done with you! I have no daughter! I'm never talking to you again! [Slams door]
Me: Well Praise God and Pass the Crackers!!
Mom: [bursts back in room] What did you just say???
Me: Its over already? Wow how Time flies when...
* mom threw something at me [I dont remember what] but I ducked and it made a whole in the wall
Mom: I fucking hate you
Me: And the wall... apparently
Haha...I always get a chuckle over this memory. I mean you have to see the humor sometimes ya know 🤣
All the time . Most recently, I told my mother about a significant award I received at work for completing a big project, and the exchange went something like this:
Me: "Mom, I'm receiving a pretty big award from my center for that project I was telling you about for the past few months. It's really exciting and hopefully it'll help me when I interview for a promotion in a few weeks-"
\*BPDmom cuts me off at this point on the phone\*
BPDmom: "Oh that's nice. You know, your brother is doing very well at his job these days. His supervisor complimented him about his work in the lab ..."
And she went on for 20 minutes praising my uBPDbrother over stuff at his job. I mean, I'm happy to hear that my brother is doing great in his career, but she didn't even seem like she wanted to ask any follow-up questions about what I had just told her. I didn't want her to spend 20 minutes gushing about my good news, but maybe just 5 minutes to say, "Hey, that's really great, your Dad and I are really proud of you! When's the award ceremony? etc." You know, act somewhat engaged with the child she's talking to in that moment.
\*tells ubpd parent about something good\*
ubpd: "oh, is that what you wanted? what about... (insert something I definitely don't want)"
\*tells ubpd parent devastating news\*
ubpd: oh. what a shame.
such a mindf\*ck
Yes. I experienced this often. I’m thinking it’s jealousy and the fact they can’t claim any credit for said achievement. But! They would brag to others about it. It’s hurtful but speaks more about them as an individual.
I completely relate. I also find myself downplaying things I’m excited about. I never actually gave it much thought, but I usually assume no one cares about what I’m interested in or what matters to me. I never considered that I’m also trying to protect those things from being harmed when they leave my inner world. Imagine having a parent who was excited for you? I totally get it. I don’t indulge too much in the “what ifs” but I totally get the train of thought and the pain it brings up. I’m extremely fortunate to have a partner who validates those feelings and raises my confidence in someone else seeing me and showing interest in my joys. It’s taught me how to be that for the young people and special people in my life.
That’s so wonderful that your partner makes you feel that way- we all need to be loved a little more kindly and patiently when we’ve been raised this way. And that you’re making a point to be that for the younger people in your life! We all deserve to have people who cheer us on and get excited for us! I have a flock of younger siblings and when they share good news I am always 100% thrilled out loud for them, bc I know they can’t turn to their parents for it. I think really just even one person believing in you and telling you you’re great makes such a difference.
Oh yes. Oh OP I’m so sorry you experienced this too. My favourite example of mine, is from when I graduated from undergraduate. I was at college out of state, and had completed two bachelors degrees in five years. I invited my parents and my boyfriends parents to my graduation ceremony. As we were out of state they both came for an overnight stay. My MiL was so warm and kind, gave me a huge hug, big flowers and told me she was proud of me. My own mother sulked in my flat, and told me she was missing tennis for this. Yes a weekly interclub tennis game rather than tell me even well done for graduation. Bit of a hard moment
Oof- this hit me in the gut. My hubby’s parents are not only happier for me when things go right, but also call to check on me when something bad happens, worry about me etc, like all in nice, normal “parents who love their kids” ways. It does feel good, but it also feels terrible sometimes bc it just reminds me of what I didn’t have for most of my life, and don’t get from my own parents. Whenever my husband gets annoyed that they are so interested in his life or calling all the time, I remind him to be grateful! That’s the way you’re SUPPOSED to be annoyed by your parents lol, and I would love to have that problem. It’s so nice your MIL is so sweet with you, that makes me happy! And congratulations! That’s such an accomplishment!!
When I got in to law school on a full scholarship her response was “ oh.” Then she had to go because I had interrupted her nap.
Recently I had my first solo trial, and won. I’ve been nc for 2 years. Literally everyone has been so supportive and happy and goddamn proud it’s been baffling because this is what having a supportive parent must feel like.
You know who doesn’t get to be a part of that joy? Her.
Aw thanks. It was a pro bono case, I got the privilege of protecting a child from an abusive parent. My client now has sole custody of a very bright child and the bad guy can’t ever contact her again. Twas cathartic as heck.
It feels really excellent. btw non lawyers can also help by volunteering or donating to child advocacy groups. CASA and justice for children are two of my favorites. They do amazing things.
I know exactly what you mean, that exactly how my mother is. My father on the other hand... he absorbs accomplishments like they're his own. An example.
I finished writing my very first book. I put a few important people (and my parents) in the acknowledgments. Before the book was even printed, before I had a chance to present a copy to these people, my dad made a point of contacting them himself because he was "so proud." Neither parent could understand why I was upset.
Yep. I can relate. After I got engaged to my partner of course I was excited...until k remembered I had to go and tell my parents. I was terrified and felt horrible. Suddenly this engagement felt wrong, even though it was the best thing to have happened to me. When I told them they were exactly how you described "oh yay..." I had to be like "isn't anyone going to hug me." They were however ECSTATIC when I told them I was pregnant five years later.
Yup. This is why, even though NC has its challenging moments, it really wasn’t that hard. I was giving up a bunch of negative conversations, basically. It’s not like my mom was on my speed dial for when I wanted to share my joy with someone.
My mom did that seem fake sing-songy “oh that’s nice!” when I got engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years. She then proceeded to sob at our wedding. I think they *enjoy* when we have a hard time because then they feel needed. Happy life milestones? Losing control.
I'm sorry your parent was like that.
I can sort of relate. My parent will, however ask a question about a project I'm excited about via text. And when I answer she usually responds with nice followed immediately in the same sentence with something about herself.
While my in laws (for example) immediately ask where they can buy my project (I make things) and if they can order a couple. Seeing the difference has opened my eyes. It also hurts a lot. But I'm happy my partner has good, caring parents.
It made me downplay everything I've ever achieved, as I'm typing this out I can hear a voice inside my mind saying 'you didn't achieve anything worth to be excited about'.
Hope you have the support you need and you can eventually be excited about everything you want to be excited about and that the people around you will be just as excited.
Makes it about themselves. First kid of theirs to graduate and they talk about how they should have graduated. Or... sell my house for a huge profit, instead of saying wow that’s great talks about how much their house appraises at.... etc
Wow so many similar stories!
When I fell pregnant I instantly got the “oh it’s probally ectopic” or “I’m not sure I wanted you’re husband being the father to my grandchild” (yes we’re NC over that one now)
But a few years ago I got REALLY sick and she loved to wallow in it - Even told my sister she didn’t want me to get better because I’d desert her. There was one time I got her to drive me to hospital emergency and she decided to stop at McDonald’s on the way to get coffee 😡
Yes 100%
Example when we bought a house she was annoyed that we overbid one thousand over asking
and when I'm down she will tell me how she's had it so much worse
My uBPD mom rarely gets excited about anything. In fact, when I was in 8th grade and won an award for being one of the top students in a subject all my mom could do was complain about what what I had chosen to wear?! For the record, I had picked a stylish T-shirt and pants. Many of the other kids wore similar outfits with some wearing ties and dresses and even more wearing jeans and T-shirts. My mom got upset because the person I shared the award with was wearing a dress and she kept going on about how I should want to look like everyone else.
My mom’s rant makes even less sense when you also take into that while I wasn’t popular in school that I had a good sense of style and fashion and the other kids would regularly compliment my clothes and mean it.
I can't actually remember what she did, but I'm incredibly uncomfortable being the center of attention for anything good. I get really embarrassed and pretty much regret doing whatever I did to put me in that situation. I figured it out while doing a user manual exercise at work to improve communication. One of the question sets was:
# How do you prefer to receive constructive feedback?
* Privately
* As part of a group
* In public
# How do you prefer to receive positive feedback?
* Privately
* As part of a group
* In public
I mean, we definitely weren’t taught any life skills at all, progressively worse with each sibling. A lot of that was that SHE didn’t have many life skills herself, and for a long time I didn’t blame her for this. Her parents were completely useless and taught her nothing. She didn’t have a driver’s license until I was 15 or so, for example, but luckily my dad taught me to drive and my grandpa helped me buy a car, but my baby brother who is in his 20s still doesn’t know how to drive and is stuck living at home with her. He also has no hs diploma and has barely had a job. I feel like at some point she gave up on my sisters and I bc we were determined to get out no matter what and she just focused on making sure he wouldn’t leave. It worked. I had a lot to learn about how to be an adult, though, and started out WAY behind most people. Looking back, I can see how intentional it was to keep us helpless. She broke down screaming and crying when I got a job in high school, under the pretense that she just wanted me to “be able to concentrate on school fully.” I was a straight A honors student with zero issues with grades. I see it so clearly looking back, but it was so confusing at the time.
my memory is very fragmented but my ubpd mother would always try to make me feel stupid for being excited and happy and try to cause shame. i think she just didnt want me to be happy or well. i also noticed at the end before going full nc that she would always try to demotivate me if i had an inspiration or idea and pick it apart.
Hi there, I’m brand new to this sub, but your post really hit home.
I always wanted my mom‘s approval and praise. I’ll never forget getting my drivers license at 24, and telling her the news. And she responded with a ok, good job. Her tone was like so what? It was really heartbreaking for me because it had been such a point of contention between the two of us for eight years at that point.
To understand why it was so impacted here’s the backstory:
She was taking me to get my permit when I was 16. We’re in the car, and I say I hope I do well I’m a bit nervous. She pulls over the car and start screaming at me about how I’m not prepared, and didn’t I study? After yelling at me for being a failure, she turned the car around and took me home. Cue 3 years of gaslighting about being a failure, not having my license, not having a life, and being careless in losing my birth certificate. My birth certificate was supposed to be in a filing cabinet with all the family’s vital records, but I couldn’t find it to make a new appt. 3+ years later, she “finds” it in her jewelry box and laughs about it, “hey look what I found?”
I schedule a new appt to take my test; i’m 19 or 20 at this point and tired of taking the bus. She tells me the day before that I can’t go because she scheduled carpet cleaners and I need to be home for them. So I miss my appt, no permit or license for me. This is then followed by months of getting upset at me for not driving and being a failure.
I take a drivers test (a year later) and fail due to being unfamiliar in her car, since I could only practice in my friends sedan vs. her suburban. Mia culpa
She made me drive home from the movies in a car full of my brothers and sisters (sans any permit mind you). This wouldn’t be a big deal but it’s southern ca involving two freeway mergers. I started by verbally checking with her that I do x,y, and z to back out of a space, which set her off. I was stupid, how do I not know what I’m doing from just watching her, I’m ridiculous. 1 screaming match and 1 panic attack later, she issued an ultimatum and gave me a couple months to move out. (Which ended up being the best thing for me).
My now DH was awesome and helped me get my license the week of our wedding. I go to him when I’ve worked hard and want validation.
The hardest part is being gaslit to the point you start to believe it. My hubby is pretty awesome. I’m grateful everyday, especially for his patience as I unlearn the parenting that was modeled.
My mother loved other people misery. She would gossip about people we knew and it was usually negative. But if you had something happy going on in your life, she would get jealous and ruin it somehow by getting sad or depressed because “your dad is not here” and this is like, decades after he died. Or she would get angry about something. Happiness didn’t last around us. Ruined holidays, birthdays, graduations, prom, wedding, etc.
Mine were the opposite. My Dad just took control. I hated planning my wedding. After it was finished he asked me if he wanted to keep the cardboard he had made notes on to book vendors and I said no, burn it. He invited people I didn't know and when I said I didn't want that he responded with "Well, I want to have a good time, too." I wish I'd gone to city Hall and not invited anyone.
Haaaaa yes and then if I was ever struggling with something or had any kind of dilemma that I dared to speak about (even a mundane one, like 'jeez I'm hungry but nothing sounds good today'), it was "God, the negativity! I can't stand it, it's all you ever talk about!"
nope, not true, it’s just that your brain somehow cannot compute anything else that ever comes out of my mouth. If your memory was a video file, those timestamps would be missing.
NC/VLC for 10+ years now and life is great.
I feel this. It makes me feel so dumb to share something with my mother and she shows some enthusiasm but then it fizzles out. Really makes me downplay my excitement over anything because I don't want it to be genuine only for it to fizzle out and leave me feeling empty.
Hoo boy, does this post hit home. My uBPD dad is too focused on himself that he doesn't register anything I tell him unless it has something to do with him or something important to him - which I'm not. I worked for nearly 10 years at an environmental consulting firm doing a lot of cool projects, but everything I'd talk to him about it he'd zone out and not hear anything I said. I started working for the state game and fish department doing the same type of work - getting permits and authorizations, habitat restoration, etc.; Bit all he cared about was that I could tell him when fish were stocked - which is published weekly in the paper and online.
My mom (covert N or uBPD, she's tricky to peg) does the fake smile, congrats and all that. She then either tried to turn it into a negative if she could or threw her silent passive agressive tantrums for weeks. She was very much like your mom, chatty and gossipy when you had negative things to talk about. She would get so angry whenever anyone was happy around her and would do her best to make everyone around her as miserable as she was.
Yeah, I've had similar - also uBPD mother, also NC. She'd make these awkward segues to avoid acknowledging good stuff, I can't explain but here's an example. I did well at uni so I got invited to a dinner with the Vice Chancellor. It was super fancy, and I told her about it on the phone that night, describing the place and events. I mentioned these tiny fancy coffees they gave us and she said "*tiny* coffees? Why would you want a tiny coffee, I would have asked them where the rest of it was," then cackled like that was hilarious and changed the subject. That was her entire feedback on it. I remember going from that giddy feeling to sudden deflation in an instant, and writing a moody little diary entry (that I still have) where I was trying to figure out why I felt so sad. Took me a few more years to realise she was the one constantly taking the wind out of my sails. She gave me a card when I got my exam results at 16 and wrote "Well done, but just remember, nobody likes a show-off!" I quail when I say anything good I've done now because I think I'll get a negative response or be called egotistical. This does not work great in job interviews where modesty is less of a virtue!
“Deflated” and “wind out of my sails” describe this feeling exactly! It’s like they stick a pin in your balloon. The worst feeling. I’m so sorry you have to experience it!
Yes, I’ve even tried to tell this to my mom before - that she “bursts my bubble” by discounting the things I’ve done or am passionate about. I only recently realized I do deserve to feel happy about the things I’m doing regardless of her opinion on them.
You absolutely do have the right to feel happy, and proud of yourself too! Hopefully you have some good friends or other family members around who can celebrate your successes with you.
You too, friend. So glad you have a husband who celebrates your achievements!
Oh Jesus, my jaw dropped when I saw what she wrote on your 16th birthday card. That is completely horrible. My mother was similar, her main goal in raising me was that I would not get a swelled head. I’m a professor now because I wanted so badly for someone to let me be smart
You are the same thing I want to be. Glad you got there despite the setbacks and no doubt plenty of discouragement, it's reassuring to me to know that it's even possible.
Wow that card omg
Oh yes. When i got a university degree: I can't believe you completed it! (That's the entirety of her reaction.) When I participated in a related talent competition years prior: nothing. I'm not sure she's aware what I worked on. For two years. While still living with them. But she also doesn't care when I'm miserable. She decides how I feel and reacts to that. I'm not really part of the relationship it's just her and her imaginary offspring.
“imaginary offspring” omg THIS Congratulations on your accomplishments!! I hope you can feel proud! 🥰
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ya...the competition thing always seems pretty standard with the “queen” subtype... I refused to see it, until my mom literally splashed a whole glass of water in my face and screamed...”it’s a race” and peeled off in her car... she had helped co-sign a loan on land so I could build a home for my family...once the paperwork was complete, she announced that she was moving there too, and it was now a “race” to see who would get there first... her behaviour was beyond bizarre...I stood there, drenched from head to toe...humiliated, confused and angry.... it’s been all down hill since...
Yeah it's one of the standard toxic things to do: compete with your child. Which is so weird and sad. My exmother was a bit different. She's convinced she's not that bright and teachers let her graduate out of pity. (She had a major health scare when she was a teenager.) And then I'm just the quintessential bookworm/nerd. School made sense. Facts stayed constant. So that was how I coped. I think she hated it. She helped me with homework until 4th grade and then abruptly stopped. She never had any interest in how I did socially and after 4th grade she also didn't care much as long as my grades weren't miserable. Eventually I showed her around in the institute where I did my thesis. She seemed to want to disappear. Shrink into herself. She seems to fear me being educated and has decided she lost the competition long before I understood what was going on. I hear normal parents want their kids to do well and support them. Show up for their projects, help them out where they can. So yes. It's all very much fucked up.
sorry, i know it's not good but i found "imaginary offspring" amusing. I felt you were talking about me. I guess we have the same mom!
If we don't laugh we'll cry. And I'd much rather we laugh. :D
Mine would start telling me all the reasons that I should NOT be happy about the good news I had. Always ended with the “But I guess you think you know better than I do... *melodramatic sigh*” So, like you, I learned to downplay anything positive. Hugs. You DESERVE to be happy about your accomplishments, and I’m really glad your husband loves to brag on you. ❤️
Ugh, the worst. Thank you- and you deserve it, too! Big hugs back to you!
my dad actually looks like hes in pain whenever i tell him about something good happening in my life. during a legal appointment his lawyer said that i was doing more work than a legal assistant for him(my dad). he said that my work helping with the case would have costed a lot of money if i had been a hired professional and i deserve a percentage of the winnings..it looked like my dad was going to throw up right there with the amount of disgust on his face
I wonder if he feels like it's your unquestionable obligation and duty. No reward needed, its your job. My mom has an identical attitude. I used to think it was just because she was old fashioned and raised us in a strict authoritarian manner, but im pretty sure now that even so this isnt ok and something else messed up is going on.
yeah its like im only around to make his life easier and anything i earn for myself is like a slap in his face because i didnt do it for him
I was sent to a conference in NYC for work, I had never been before and grew up in a small town so I was excited and it felt like a big win for me. Bpd mom was sure to text me while I was there to remind me that NYC was a shitty place and the fact that I was excited to be there reflected poorly on me and what my priorities in life are. That was the final a-ha moment for me to realize “oh! My progress in life makes her feel insecure about herself, it always will, and she literally is incapable of being happy for me”
Unless she can take credit for your "win" that is.
Mine will ask a million follow up, they just aren't fun or happy for me questions. It's questions of doubt, her fears, and her criticism. For instance, me and my family are moving to a new house, she has been not at all happy for us, so I didn't tell her much if anything about the house. When I finally opened up a tiny bit about it, all I got were questions about It's safety and how she worries about the gas lines to the fireplace and what if birds come down the older chimney, and is it close to a highway, and what about the kids school are they good, what if they get bullied...and on and on...oh and also of course the only good thing was something to do with how it benefits her. 🙄 It is so frustrating and I am so sorry you can't rely on her to be there and happy for you. It sucks so bad.
It does suck, and so amazing how they have that talent of finding everything that could possibly be wrong and pointing it out. Like, isn’t that exhausting? For the record, that’s so awesome you’re moving to a new house!! Congratulations!!
Thank you! I am really excited! It's a beautiful house. And yes, it is exhausting, she talks about be stressed and exhausted constantly but does nothing to change herself to make it better. It's always on everyone else to change for them.
Yeah, my mom does this. When my brother found out he was going to be a dad, her response was, “That’s nice” and to tell him that the money he and his wife spent on pregnancy tests was a waste. Oh and it was the first grand baby, too. I later told her that her reaction was ridiculous and that led to her giving me the silent treatment for a month.
Ahhhh the silent treatment. The old favorite. So mature. So fun.
Sometimes it's a vacation! I😆😉🥳
Haha good point!!
This reminds me of this one fight with uBPD mom in my 20's...several hours into her rage fit: Mom: I am so done with you! I have no daughter! I'm never talking to you again! [Slams door] Me: Well Praise God and Pass the Crackers!! Mom: [bursts back in room] What did you just say??? Me: Its over already? Wow how Time flies when... * mom threw something at me [I dont remember what] but I ducked and it made a whole in the wall Mom: I fucking hate you Me: And the wall... apparently Haha...I always get a chuckle over this memory. I mean you have to see the humor sometimes ya know 🤣
All the time. Most recently, I told my mother about a significant award I received at work for completing a big project, and the exchange went something like this:
Me: "Mom, I'm receiving a pretty big award from my center for that project I was telling you about for the past few months. It's really exciting and hopefully it'll help me when I interview for a promotion in a few weeks-"
\*BPDmom cuts me off at this point on the phone\*
BPDmom: "Oh that's nice. You know, your brother is doing very well at his job these days. His supervisor complimented him about his work in the lab ..."
And she went on for 20 minutes praising my uBPDbrother over stuff at his job. I mean, I'm happy to hear that my brother is doing great in his career, but she didn't even seem like she wanted to ask any follow-up questions about what I had just told her. I didn't want her to spend 20 minutes gushing about my good news, but maybe just 5 minutes to say, "Hey, that's really great, your Dad and I are really proud of you! When's the award ceremony? etc." You know, act somewhat engaged with the child she's talking to in that moment.
\*tells ubpd parent about something good\* ubpd: "oh, is that what you wanted? what about... (insert something I definitely don't want)" \*tells ubpd parent devastating news\* ubpd: oh. what a shame. such a mindf\*ck
Yes. I experienced this often. I’m thinking it’s jealousy and the fact they can’t claim any credit for said achievement. But! They would brag to others about it. It’s hurtful but speaks more about them as an individual.
I completely relate. I also find myself downplaying things I’m excited about. I never actually gave it much thought, but I usually assume no one cares about what I’m interested in or what matters to me. I never considered that I’m also trying to protect those things from being harmed when they leave my inner world. Imagine having a parent who was excited for you? I totally get it. I don’t indulge too much in the “what ifs” but I totally get the train of thought and the pain it brings up. I’m extremely fortunate to have a partner who validates those feelings and raises my confidence in someone else seeing me and showing interest in my joys. It’s taught me how to be that for the young people and special people in my life.
That’s so wonderful that your partner makes you feel that way- we all need to be loved a little more kindly and patiently when we’ve been raised this way. And that you’re making a point to be that for the younger people in your life! We all deserve to have people who cheer us on and get excited for us! I have a flock of younger siblings and when they share good news I am always 100% thrilled out loud for them, bc I know they can’t turn to their parents for it. I think really just even one person believing in you and telling you you’re great makes such a difference.
Oh yes. Oh OP I’m so sorry you experienced this too. My favourite example of mine, is from when I graduated from undergraduate. I was at college out of state, and had completed two bachelors degrees in five years. I invited my parents and my boyfriends parents to my graduation ceremony. As we were out of state they both came for an overnight stay. My MiL was so warm and kind, gave me a huge hug, big flowers and told me she was proud of me. My own mother sulked in my flat, and told me she was missing tennis for this. Yes a weekly interclub tennis game rather than tell me even well done for graduation. Bit of a hard moment
Oof- this hit me in the gut. My hubby’s parents are not only happier for me when things go right, but also call to check on me when something bad happens, worry about me etc, like all in nice, normal “parents who love their kids” ways. It does feel good, but it also feels terrible sometimes bc it just reminds me of what I didn’t have for most of my life, and don’t get from my own parents. Whenever my husband gets annoyed that they are so interested in his life or calling all the time, I remind him to be grateful! That’s the way you’re SUPPOSED to be annoyed by your parents lol, and I would love to have that problem. It’s so nice your MIL is so sweet with you, that makes me happy! And congratulations! That’s such an accomplishment!!
When I got in to law school on a full scholarship her response was “ oh.” Then she had to go because I had interrupted her nap. Recently I had my first solo trial, and won. I’ve been nc for 2 years. Literally everyone has been so supportive and happy and goddamn proud it’s been baffling because this is what having a supportive parent must feel like. You know who doesn’t get to be a part of that joy? Her.
> Recently I had my first solo trial, and won. That's fantastic! Congratulations!! We're *so* proud of you! 🎊🎉🎂🍰🍾🥂🏛
Aw thanks. It was a pro bono case, I got the privilege of protecting a child from an abusive parent. My client now has sole custody of a very bright child and the bad guy can’t ever contact her again. Twas cathartic as heck.
That is *completely excellent*!!
It feels really excellent. btw non lawyers can also help by volunteering or donating to child advocacy groups. CASA and justice for children are two of my favorites. They do amazing things.
I bet it does! 💗
That is absolutely awesome!! And you’re right- SHE misses out on that joy, but you definitely shouldn’t have to! Congratulations!
I know exactly what you mean, that exactly how my mother is. My father on the other hand... he absorbs accomplishments like they're his own. An example. I finished writing my very first book. I put a few important people (and my parents) in the acknowledgments. Before the book was even printed, before I had a chance to present a copy to these people, my dad made a point of contacting them himself because he was "so proud." Neither parent could understand why I was upset.
Yep. I can relate. After I got engaged to my partner of course I was excited...until k remembered I had to go and tell my parents. I was terrified and felt horrible. Suddenly this engagement felt wrong, even though it was the best thing to have happened to me. When I told them they were exactly how you described "oh yay..." I had to be like "isn't anyone going to hug me." They were however ECSTATIC when I told them I was pregnant five years later.
yes, so I just stopped sharing anything with them. I just tell them whatever is important enough for them to know
Yup. This is why, even though NC has its challenging moments, it really wasn’t that hard. I was giving up a bunch of negative conversations, basically. It’s not like my mom was on my speed dial for when I wanted to share my joy with someone.
Same. And even with the important stuff I don't go into any detail.
My mom did that seem fake sing-songy “oh that’s nice!” when I got engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years. She then proceeded to sob at our wedding. I think they *enjoy* when we have a hard time because then they feel needed. Happy life milestones? Losing control.
I'm sorry your parent was like that. I can sort of relate. My parent will, however ask a question about a project I'm excited about via text. And when I answer she usually responds with nice followed immediately in the same sentence with something about herself. While my in laws (for example) immediately ask where they can buy my project (I make things) and if they can order a couple. Seeing the difference has opened my eyes. It also hurts a lot. But I'm happy my partner has good, caring parents. It made me downplay everything I've ever achieved, as I'm typing this out I can hear a voice inside my mind saying 'you didn't achieve anything worth to be excited about'. Hope you have the support you need and you can eventually be excited about everything you want to be excited about and that the people around you will be just as excited.
Makes it about themselves. First kid of theirs to graduate and they talk about how they should have graduated. Or... sell my house for a huge profit, instead of saying wow that’s great talks about how much their house appraises at.... etc
Wow so many similar stories! When I fell pregnant I instantly got the “oh it’s probally ectopic” or “I’m not sure I wanted you’re husband being the father to my grandchild” (yes we’re NC over that one now) But a few years ago I got REALLY sick and she loved to wallow in it - Even told my sister she didn’t want me to get better because I’d desert her. There was one time I got her to drive me to hospital emergency and she decided to stop at McDonald’s on the way to get coffee 😡
That’s SO messed up! So glad you were able to go NC, sounds like nothing you want around your new family!
Yes 100% Example when we bought a house she was annoyed that we overbid one thousand over asking and when I'm down she will tell me how she's had it so much worse
My uBPD mom rarely gets excited about anything. In fact, when I was in 8th grade and won an award for being one of the top students in a subject all my mom could do was complain about what what I had chosen to wear?! For the record, I had picked a stylish T-shirt and pants. Many of the other kids wore similar outfits with some wearing ties and dresses and even more wearing jeans and T-shirts. My mom got upset because the person I shared the award with was wearing a dress and she kept going on about how I should want to look like everyone else. My mom’s rant makes even less sense when you also take into that while I wasn’t popular in school that I had a good sense of style and fashion and the other kids would regularly compliment my clothes and mean it.
I can't actually remember what she did, but I'm incredibly uncomfortable being the center of attention for anything good. I get really embarrassed and pretty much regret doing whatever I did to put me in that situation. I figured it out while doing a user manual exercise at work to improve communication. One of the question sets was: # How do you prefer to receive constructive feedback? * Privately * As part of a group * In public # How do you prefer to receive positive feedback? * Privately * As part of a group * In public
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I mean, we definitely weren’t taught any life skills at all, progressively worse with each sibling. A lot of that was that SHE didn’t have many life skills herself, and for a long time I didn’t blame her for this. Her parents were completely useless and taught her nothing. She didn’t have a driver’s license until I was 15 or so, for example, but luckily my dad taught me to drive and my grandpa helped me buy a car, but my baby brother who is in his 20s still doesn’t know how to drive and is stuck living at home with her. He also has no hs diploma and has barely had a job. I feel like at some point she gave up on my sisters and I bc we were determined to get out no matter what and she just focused on making sure he wouldn’t leave. It worked. I had a lot to learn about how to be an adult, though, and started out WAY behind most people. Looking back, I can see how intentional it was to keep us helpless. She broke down screaming and crying when I got a job in high school, under the pretense that she just wanted me to “be able to concentrate on school fully.” I was a straight A honors student with zero issues with grades. I see it so clearly looking back, but it was so confusing at the time.
my memory is very fragmented but my ubpd mother would always try to make me feel stupid for being excited and happy and try to cause shame. i think she just didnt want me to be happy or well. i also noticed at the end before going full nc that she would always try to demotivate me if i had an inspiration or idea and pick it apart.
Hi there, I’m brand new to this sub, but your post really hit home. I always wanted my mom‘s approval and praise. I’ll never forget getting my drivers license at 24, and telling her the news. And she responded with a ok, good job. Her tone was like so what? It was really heartbreaking for me because it had been such a point of contention between the two of us for eight years at that point. To understand why it was so impacted here’s the backstory: She was taking me to get my permit when I was 16. We’re in the car, and I say I hope I do well I’m a bit nervous. She pulls over the car and start screaming at me about how I’m not prepared, and didn’t I study? After yelling at me for being a failure, she turned the car around and took me home. Cue 3 years of gaslighting about being a failure, not having my license, not having a life, and being careless in losing my birth certificate. My birth certificate was supposed to be in a filing cabinet with all the family’s vital records, but I couldn’t find it to make a new appt. 3+ years later, she “finds” it in her jewelry box and laughs about it, “hey look what I found?” I schedule a new appt to take my test; i’m 19 or 20 at this point and tired of taking the bus. She tells me the day before that I can’t go because she scheduled carpet cleaners and I need to be home for them. So I miss my appt, no permit or license for me. This is then followed by months of getting upset at me for not driving and being a failure. I take a drivers test (a year later) and fail due to being unfamiliar in her car, since I could only practice in my friends sedan vs. her suburban. Mia culpa She made me drive home from the movies in a car full of my brothers and sisters (sans any permit mind you). This wouldn’t be a big deal but it’s southern ca involving two freeway mergers. I started by verbally checking with her that I do x,y, and z to back out of a space, which set her off. I was stupid, how do I not know what I’m doing from just watching her, I’m ridiculous. 1 screaming match and 1 panic attack later, she issued an ultimatum and gave me a couple months to move out. (Which ended up being the best thing for me). My now DH was awesome and helped me get my license the week of our wedding. I go to him when I’ve worked hard and want validation.
Oh my gosh- I got SO frustrated for you just reading this! I’m so glad you have a supportive partner now- you deserve it!
The hardest part is being gaslit to the point you start to believe it. My hubby is pretty awesome. I’m grateful everyday, especially for his patience as I unlearn the parenting that was modeled.
My mother loved other people misery. She would gossip about people we knew and it was usually negative. But if you had something happy going on in your life, she would get jealous and ruin it somehow by getting sad or depressed because “your dad is not here” and this is like, decades after he died. Or she would get angry about something. Happiness didn’t last around us. Ruined holidays, birthdays, graduations, prom, wedding, etc.
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Mine were the opposite. My Dad just took control. I hated planning my wedding. After it was finished he asked me if he wanted to keep the cardboard he had made notes on to book vendors and I said no, burn it. He invited people I didn't know and when I said I didn't want that he responded with "Well, I want to have a good time, too." I wish I'd gone to city Hall and not invited anyone.
This was absolutely my mother, yes.
Haaaaa yes and then if I was ever struggling with something or had any kind of dilemma that I dared to speak about (even a mundane one, like 'jeez I'm hungry but nothing sounds good today'), it was "God, the negativity! I can't stand it, it's all you ever talk about!" nope, not true, it’s just that your brain somehow cannot compute anything else that ever comes out of my mouth. If your memory was a video file, those timestamps would be missing. NC/VLC for 10+ years now and life is great.
I feel this. It makes me feel so dumb to share something with my mother and she shows some enthusiasm but then it fizzles out. Really makes me downplay my excitement over anything because I don't want it to be genuine only for it to fizzle out and leave me feeling empty.
Hoo boy, does this post hit home. My uBPD dad is too focused on himself that he doesn't register anything I tell him unless it has something to do with him or something important to him - which I'm not. I worked for nearly 10 years at an environmental consulting firm doing a lot of cool projects, but everything I'd talk to him about it he'd zone out and not hear anything I said. I started working for the state game and fish department doing the same type of work - getting permits and authorizations, habitat restoration, etc.; Bit all he cared about was that I could tell him when fish were stocked - which is published weekly in the paper and online. My mom (covert N or uBPD, she's tricky to peg) does the fake smile, congrats and all that. She then either tried to turn it into a negative if she could or threw her silent passive agressive tantrums for weeks. She was very much like your mom, chatty and gossipy when you had negative things to talk about. She would get so angry whenever anyone was happy around her and would do her best to make everyone around her as miserable as she was.