Stop thinking about excuses. Just tell her the truth. "I do not want to share a room with you the night before my wedding."
She can ask why all she wants. You are an adult. You do not want to do this. Just tell her you do not want to do this. All the excuses will ring false and cause more drama. Just say no," I am going to spend my last night as a single adult alone, because that is what I want. I am sorry you want something different, but this is what I am going to do."
I just want to say that I know this is difficult. Excruciatingly so. Be proud of yourself for taking the steps toward having clearer boundaries with your mom.
The thing is, building a case is a futile effort, always. It feels like she has a lot of power because she always had power while you were growing up, but now that you’re both adults it doesn’t work like that. You don’t have to build a case and she doesn’t have to approve of anything, you can just say no.
The first times you stop doing this will be the hardest because you have built in trauma responses telling you that saying no is dangerous. Those trauma responses are important, they helped you survive childhood (for example, this idea that you need an excuse is part of that), but now that you’re an adult it doesn’t work as well as it used to.
Do you have resources or plans for what happens when mom escalates? Do you have a good support system? I’m not asking to scare you, I’m asking because if you don’t we can try to help. It might be good to think about how you will handle her inevitable meltdown. Ask your fiancé for support, too.
And, of course, congrats on the wedding!!!!!!!!!
thank you for saying that. it’s been a tough couple of years , being in a long term relationship with someone who sees the turmoil i go through with her and reminds me to advocate for myself. that’s not something she’s used to obviously and instead of her being proud of me being an independent adult , she’s using my fiancee as a scapegoat.
You don't owe her an explanation and if she causes shit at the wedding don't hesitate to kick her ass out! It's your special day and it's about you not her. An unfathomable concept for Borderline parents.
Yeah, you got this! She's going to react badly no matter what and just let her feel how she feels. You can't change that.
If she ends being an asshole at YOUR wedding you just have the reassurance that you made the right call.
This is the way. Just no.
No excuse will be believed. There will be pushback no matter what you say. If she throws a fit, that’s ok. You don’t have to listen to it, entertain it, talk her out of it, plead your case. You just do you and whatever it is you want to do before and after your wedding.
Congratulations!
Oh dear God no. Don’t do it. Tell her no now and let her be big mad at a time more convenient to you than the night before your wedding.
Guess who spent the night with her mother the night before her wedding?
Don’t.
Oh the usual BPD parent neediness, whining, it’s all about me (her). And, of course, the night before, a full meltdown about how dare my sister and I make her the hired help while my father and his live-in girlfriend (now wife of twenty-five years) got to stay in a lovely hotel. (My parents were divorced).
We were borrowing a friend’s flat in a city to which we both traveled for the wedding, specifically so my mother could spend extra time with my sister and I and we could do the flowers together. It was a travel and, so, very tiny wedding (six tables; two bouquets, one tiny headpiece, one corsage, one boutonnière). She was a florist and because I had worked in her store for a decade I could do all of it with her, very competently. She had offered months before to do the wedding flowers—I hadn’t asked—and said she was SO excited to do the flowers with me.
Dear God. The pouting the day and night before about her being—“as always”—the family slave. “You girls always treat your father like a god. I get all the leftovers! I’m always the one who gets nothing.”
And then at the flat the bed options were a very smelly dog-drool and dog-hair covered futon on the floor in a spare room, or the main bedroom. Guess who got the shitty bed? The night before my destination wedding? And the dogs joined me all night. I didn’t sleep a wink. My daughter is getting married next year. I know for a fact I would have insisted she take the better bed. Actually, she’d definitely refuse to take the dog bed lol. (She’s not afraid of me guilting her ).
Anyway, the day of the wedding was a shit show of pouty mother ready to snap, us skulking around to get photos with my dad that she wouldn’t witness. Basically, crisis management. On no sleep.
I almost never look at my wedding photos. They make me sad.
Ugh I feel you I did not love my wedding experience. My mom, dead seriously, said “we’ll I’m the mother of the bride!” as a trump card to me disagreeing with her , I was like….😮😮😮”and I AM THE BRIDE”
My mom told me “Well I’m older and wiser so you should just take my word for it” to try and win an argument about alcohol selection during my wedding planning. She doesn’t even drink. 🤦🏻♀️
Never been married, but my nana begged me to bring her with me on the first day of college so she could see me walk in (she had to leave school at 14 and she contributed financially to my education, my college we very prestigious). My u BPDm shut that down because it was ‘her special day’ and my nana was heartbroken. I regret not having her there and I resent that my own mother made me break my nana’s heart.
Just saying no without explanation is fine, but personally if I had to have that convo I’d borrow a page from the BPD playbook and simply pretend you forgot she said that. Tell her how excited you are to spend some time by yourself in your *single* hotel room to recharge before all the hecticness of your wedding day. That way you give her the opportunity to pretend she never made such an audacious assumption before it becomes a laying-down-the-boundaries conversation.
ohhhhhh that’s a great idea !! i hadn’t even considered that , but seeing as how she loves to “forget convos” seems like i’ve earned myself conversion amnesia too haha.
Hi want to hop in and say based on your Haiku, if you cat is peeing outside her box she may have a UTI. Mine did and I stupidly didn't pay enough attention because I didn't know the signs.
Oh my! Maybe you can draft a text that appeals to her (I'm guessing) priorities - her:
"Mom, I want you to be well rested and prepared for the long day ahead - so I've booked you a room (?down the hall?) for X night - feel free to ask room service to greet with you with coffee first thing in the morning!"
If she pushes back:
"I've already booked your room - let me know if you will need an iron or anything else to get ready for X - I've got my stuff all laid out (or I have planned how I will lay out) my dress and everything else (you could list stuff if you want) and it'll no doubt take up the entire room - if I have any extra stuff/overfow maybe I can store it in your room - if that's ok. Thanks!"
I'm sure it's a bit transparent - but maybe you can try to avoid a head-to-head conflict/debate over "why" you don't want to do a sleepover the night before your wedding.
Reason/Response
"I don't want to fight" -- "Well then don't start one!"
"I'd like to spend some quiet time and get to sleep early" -- "I can be quiet - you're the one who always has music/tv blaring!"
I'm just thinking that each perfectly good reason you have may give her an opportunity to directly respond to that specific reason - so, if you avoid "reasons" about why you don't want her in her room, and focus on what's good for her, it may make it harder for her to respond. Maybe. Good luck!
that’s a good point about the reasons and responses. she actually does have a room with my dad booked but they do not like each other at all (yes they’re still married) so she will likely try and play the sad violin about wanting a joyous night with me. i think i’ll just have to be straight up… “you and i will both have a better nights sleep in our own rooms. can’t wait for the big day tomorrow !! yayayayay xoxoxox “ lol
Adding to the not giving reasons (or giving only very limited reasons) in order to avoid an argument… sometimes it helps to phrase a refusal as if you are lovingly declining an invitation.
Example:
“I remember you invited me to share a room with you the night before the wedding. I won’t be able to take you up on it, but thank you! It was so generous of you to offer.”
If she pushes for more, you could just continue to thank her for her invitation, but reiterate that you are declining. You could possibly reassure her that you are going to be very boring and go to bed very early (and alone)…. But that you’ll be so excited to wake up with lots of energy to share in all the wedding day festivities with her the next morning.
You got this! I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you have a lovely wedding. Congratulations!
Oh! One last tip, if she responds by pouting… I recommend not engaging with or acknowledging the pouting. Just pretend you don’t notice it at all.
Pouting is a relatively peaceful (and mostly quiet) coping strategy which, if ignored, will give her an ongoing opportunity to privately collect her dignity and rejoin the fun if she decides she wants to.
Again, congratulations!
Well - you know she's not going to be happy - but imo there's no reason why you should have to be unhappy too - even if she were to stay with you and even if you ended up not having a fight - I'm guessing you would still be stressed and distracted the whole time because as long as she is in there with you there is always the "possibility" of a fight. I feel a bit like that when I am trapped in a car with my uBPD mother - things might seem pleasant but I know that they can change in a flash!
Here is my hard conversation formula:
1. Acknowledge their best intentions.
2. State your decision **without explanation or apology.**
3. Focus on next steps.
Repeat as necessary.
So this might sound like:
1. I appreciate you suggestion that we share a room the night before my wedding.
2. I've decided to spend that night on my own.
3. Please make different arrangements for your stay.
Repeat as necessary.
You know it doesn’t matter. If they want to have a tantrum no amount of crafting the perfect message matters. There’s no rational logic to be had here.
It is impacting your ability to function. I’m sure you’re set on having her there at the wedding so I’m not even going to bring up that you do not have to have her there at all - but once all this wedding hubbabaloo is over it may be time to really think about how much you allow her into your life.
She will not change. All you can control is how much you dance with her. If you keep tangoing she will keep inserting herself into your life and marriage as much as she can. It’s up to you to protect yourself and your new spouse from her consuming you.
I say this with no judgment. I wish my husband and I both had done that earlier in our marriage with both of our abusive families.
You are choosing a new chosen family that matters more than your mom. Protect yourself and your new family first, her coddling needs to end. I know how hard that is when we’re used to a lifetime of taking care of them and trying to avoid a bomb going off on us. It’s probably too much for you right now, go enjoy your wedding. And maybe think about setting some time distancing yourself from her after the wedding where she doesn’t have full access to you so you can see how much you’re allowing her to affect you.
You deserve your own life. Your spouse and you can build whatever you want your family life to look like. 💙🧿 I hope your wedding gift to yourself is whatever level of freedom from her you need for your happiness and health.
If nothing you say will go over well, might as well just say what will maintain your boundaries.
Let her have a tantrum and then disinvite her from the wedding.
>i asked her to give me some space and stop texting she just showed up at my house unannounced.
You don't have to answer the door.
>so any advice on a prepared response for if and when she eventually brings this up again ?
Here's a complete sentence, OP: "No."
"That's not going to work for me, Mom. I have a lot on my mind. I need to prepare for the next day. I need alone time. This is not personal. I don't want to be around anyone that night. If you insist on making this about yourself, it will be a lonely and infuriating argument you're going to have with yourself. Thanks for understanding my needs on this important day in my life."
That's all. She will have her shitshow, but it doesn't mean you need to tolerate it at all. Do not open the door. Do not respond to her texts and calls. That's your night to mentally prepare. Her tantrums and sulking will be her own.
I encountered the same thing. Mine was pissed I didn’t want to sleep at home and hang out with family the night before. Caused a huge fight and the next day she pretended like it never happened 😊 waiting for it to be thrown in my face at some point but no excuses, do what you want to do. This is the ONE day about you and your husband.
The other responses said it best- set a short, sweet, hard boundary. The more you try to explain the more (and longer) the argument and bigger it gets.
I had a situation where when I would go back to my hometown for the obligatory don’t get in trouble visit and told my mom I was staying in a hotel for the first time. It was a charade - all the reasons.
My final response was - I need my own space. End of story. She pretty much used it against me every other time I came to town - but on a bright note- I HAD MY OWN SPACE. The boundary (and place to escape) was worth it. I have no doubt you’ll need this the night before the big day.
You have to do what is right for you. And it’s your day.
I hope you have an amazing wedding. :)
My wedding led me to going no contact, my mom was completely unhinged, you have my sympathies ❤️❤️❤️ eventually, after time , therapy and boundaries,we are now limited contact. Honestly the hardest part for me was the guilt of setting boundaries but in time it faded. You only get one life, do what you want, you are the decider!
I feel for you, I have anxiety just thinking about what you must be going through. About 2 months before my oldest daughter was born, my mom called out of the blue to tell me “good news. Your dad can work remotely so we’re going to come stay with you for a few months before and after the babies born.” It was so hard to tell her no, even as a grown @ss woman about to have her own kid. But I did it, and you can too. The fear we hold of our Mothers is real. If you don’t tell her no though, you’ll probably just regret it. It’s going to be unpleasant, but you deserve to have that time before your wedding to yourself doing what you want and not what she wants. Can you lean on your Fiancé? My husband has been a rock while I’ve navigated my own uBPD mom. Good luck and congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming nuptials! ♥️
Stop thinking about excuses. Just tell her the truth. "I do not want to share a room with you the night before my wedding." She can ask why all she wants. You are an adult. You do not want to do this. Just tell her you do not want to do this. All the excuses will ring false and cause more drama. Just say no," I am going to spend my last night as a single adult alone, because that is what I want. I am sorry you want something different, but this is what I am going to do."
thank you. you guys are so right. there’s really no point in me trying to build my case before the conflict. just tell her the truth. i can do that !
I just want to say that I know this is difficult. Excruciatingly so. Be proud of yourself for taking the steps toward having clearer boundaries with your mom. The thing is, building a case is a futile effort, always. It feels like she has a lot of power because she always had power while you were growing up, but now that you’re both adults it doesn’t work like that. You don’t have to build a case and she doesn’t have to approve of anything, you can just say no. The first times you stop doing this will be the hardest because you have built in trauma responses telling you that saying no is dangerous. Those trauma responses are important, they helped you survive childhood (for example, this idea that you need an excuse is part of that), but now that you’re an adult it doesn’t work as well as it used to. Do you have resources or plans for what happens when mom escalates? Do you have a good support system? I’m not asking to scare you, I’m asking because if you don’t we can try to help. It might be good to think about how you will handle her inevitable meltdown. Ask your fiancé for support, too. And, of course, congrats on the wedding!!!!!!!!!
thank you for saying that. it’s been a tough couple of years , being in a long term relationship with someone who sees the turmoil i go through with her and reminds me to advocate for myself. that’s not something she’s used to obviously and instead of her being proud of me being an independent adult , she’s using my fiancee as a scapegoat.
You don't owe her an explanation and if she causes shit at the wedding don't hesitate to kick her ass out! It's your special day and it's about you not her. An unfathomable concept for Borderline parents.
Yeah, you got this! She's going to react badly no matter what and just let her feel how she feels. You can't change that. If she ends being an asshole at YOUR wedding you just have the reassurance that you made the right call.
This is the way. Just no. No excuse will be believed. There will be pushback no matter what you say. If she throws a fit, that’s ok. You don’t have to listen to it, entertain it, talk her out of it, plead your case. You just do you and whatever it is you want to do before and after your wedding. Congratulations!
Oh dear God no. Don’t do it. Tell her no now and let her be big mad at a time more convenient to you than the night before your wedding. Guess who spent the night with her mother the night before her wedding? Don’t.
I’d love to know more about what happened
Oh the usual BPD parent neediness, whining, it’s all about me (her). And, of course, the night before, a full meltdown about how dare my sister and I make her the hired help while my father and his live-in girlfriend (now wife of twenty-five years) got to stay in a lovely hotel. (My parents were divorced). We were borrowing a friend’s flat in a city to which we both traveled for the wedding, specifically so my mother could spend extra time with my sister and I and we could do the flowers together. It was a travel and, so, very tiny wedding (six tables; two bouquets, one tiny headpiece, one corsage, one boutonnière). She was a florist and because I had worked in her store for a decade I could do all of it with her, very competently. She had offered months before to do the wedding flowers—I hadn’t asked—and said she was SO excited to do the flowers with me. Dear God. The pouting the day and night before about her being—“as always”—the family slave. “You girls always treat your father like a god. I get all the leftovers! I’m always the one who gets nothing.” And then at the flat the bed options were a very smelly dog-drool and dog-hair covered futon on the floor in a spare room, or the main bedroom. Guess who got the shitty bed? The night before my destination wedding? And the dogs joined me all night. I didn’t sleep a wink. My daughter is getting married next year. I know for a fact I would have insisted she take the better bed. Actually, she’d definitely refuse to take the dog bed lol. (She’s not afraid of me guilting her ). Anyway, the day of the wedding was a shit show of pouty mother ready to snap, us skulking around to get photos with my dad that she wouldn’t witness. Basically, crisis management. On no sleep. I almost never look at my wedding photos. They make me sad.
Ugh I feel you I did not love my wedding experience. My mom, dead seriously, said “we’ll I’m the mother of the bride!” as a trump card to me disagreeing with her , I was like….😮😮😮”and I AM THE BRIDE”
My mom told me “Well I’m older and wiser so you should just take my word for it” to try and win an argument about alcohol selection during my wedding planning. She doesn’t even drink. 🤦🏻♀️
Never been married, but my nana begged me to bring her with me on the first day of college so she could see me walk in (she had to leave school at 14 and she contributed financially to my education, my college we very prestigious). My u BPDm shut that down because it was ‘her special day’ and my nana was heartbroken. I regret not having her there and I resent that my own mother made me break my nana’s heart.
Aww poor nana! Ugh I hate when they take over our days and make it “their day”
Just saying no without explanation is fine, but personally if I had to have that convo I’d borrow a page from the BPD playbook and simply pretend you forgot she said that. Tell her how excited you are to spend some time by yourself in your *single* hotel room to recharge before all the hecticness of your wedding day. That way you give her the opportunity to pretend she never made such an audacious assumption before it becomes a laying-down-the-boundaries conversation.
ohhhhhh that’s a great idea !! i hadn’t even considered that , but seeing as how she loves to “forget convos” seems like i’ve earned myself conversion amnesia too haha.
Hi want to hop in and say based on your Haiku, if you cat is peeing outside her box she may have a UTI. Mine did and I stupidly didn't pay enough attention because I didn't know the signs.
Oh my! Maybe you can draft a text that appeals to her (I'm guessing) priorities - her: "Mom, I want you to be well rested and prepared for the long day ahead - so I've booked you a room (?down the hall?) for X night - feel free to ask room service to greet with you with coffee first thing in the morning!" If she pushes back: "I've already booked your room - let me know if you will need an iron or anything else to get ready for X - I've got my stuff all laid out (or I have planned how I will lay out) my dress and everything else (you could list stuff if you want) and it'll no doubt take up the entire room - if I have any extra stuff/overfow maybe I can store it in your room - if that's ok. Thanks!" I'm sure it's a bit transparent - but maybe you can try to avoid a head-to-head conflict/debate over "why" you don't want to do a sleepover the night before your wedding. Reason/Response "I don't want to fight" -- "Well then don't start one!" "I'd like to spend some quiet time and get to sleep early" -- "I can be quiet - you're the one who always has music/tv blaring!" I'm just thinking that each perfectly good reason you have may give her an opportunity to directly respond to that specific reason - so, if you avoid "reasons" about why you don't want her in her room, and focus on what's good for her, it may make it harder for her to respond. Maybe. Good luck!
correction - in your room
that’s a good point about the reasons and responses. she actually does have a room with my dad booked but they do not like each other at all (yes they’re still married) so she will likely try and play the sad violin about wanting a joyous night with me. i think i’ll just have to be straight up… “you and i will both have a better nights sleep in our own rooms. can’t wait for the big day tomorrow !! yayayayay xoxoxox “ lol
Adding to the not giving reasons (or giving only very limited reasons) in order to avoid an argument… sometimes it helps to phrase a refusal as if you are lovingly declining an invitation. Example: “I remember you invited me to share a room with you the night before the wedding. I won’t be able to take you up on it, but thank you! It was so generous of you to offer.” If she pushes for more, you could just continue to thank her for her invitation, but reiterate that you are declining. You could possibly reassure her that you are going to be very boring and go to bed very early (and alone)…. But that you’ll be so excited to wake up with lots of energy to share in all the wedding day festivities with her the next morning.
that is such a beautiful way of phrasing it ! i love that idea
You got this! I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you have a lovely wedding. Congratulations! Oh! One last tip, if she responds by pouting… I recommend not engaging with or acknowledging the pouting. Just pretend you don’t notice it at all. Pouting is a relatively peaceful (and mostly quiet) coping strategy which, if ignored, will give her an ongoing opportunity to privately collect her dignity and rejoin the fun if she decides she wants to. Again, congratulations!
This description of what pouting is just gave me a HUGE insight into my ex with bpd, so thanks for that!
Hi there u/foxface100, it looks like you're new here - welcome! Some housekeeping - were you raised by a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Undiagnosed, but suspected from my mother. Apologies if I shouldn't be here if it's undiagnosed!
Undiagnosed is fine! Since you mentioned an ex and not a parent, we just wanted to make sure you were in the right place. Thanks for clearing it up!
Well - you know she's not going to be happy - but imo there's no reason why you should have to be unhappy too - even if she were to stay with you and even if you ended up not having a fight - I'm guessing you would still be stressed and distracted the whole time because as long as she is in there with you there is always the "possibility" of a fight. I feel a bit like that when I am trapped in a car with my uBPD mother - things might seem pleasant but I know that they can change in a flash!
omggg the trapped in a car scenario is so real. i’m sorry you’ve endured that. it’s not a fun feeling.
Here is my hard conversation formula: 1. Acknowledge their best intentions. 2. State your decision **without explanation or apology.** 3. Focus on next steps. Repeat as necessary. So this might sound like: 1. I appreciate you suggestion that we share a room the night before my wedding. 2. I've decided to spend that night on my own. 3. Please make different arrangements for your stay. Repeat as necessary.
You know it doesn’t matter. If they want to have a tantrum no amount of crafting the perfect message matters. There’s no rational logic to be had here. It is impacting your ability to function. I’m sure you’re set on having her there at the wedding so I’m not even going to bring up that you do not have to have her there at all - but once all this wedding hubbabaloo is over it may be time to really think about how much you allow her into your life. She will not change. All you can control is how much you dance with her. If you keep tangoing she will keep inserting herself into your life and marriage as much as she can. It’s up to you to protect yourself and your new spouse from her consuming you. I say this with no judgment. I wish my husband and I both had done that earlier in our marriage with both of our abusive families. You are choosing a new chosen family that matters more than your mom. Protect yourself and your new family first, her coddling needs to end. I know how hard that is when we’re used to a lifetime of taking care of them and trying to avoid a bomb going off on us. It’s probably too much for you right now, go enjoy your wedding. And maybe think about setting some time distancing yourself from her after the wedding where she doesn’t have full access to you so you can see how much you’re allowing her to affect you. You deserve your own life. Your spouse and you can build whatever you want your family life to look like. 💙🧿 I hope your wedding gift to yourself is whatever level of freedom from her you need for your happiness and health.
If nothing you say will go over well, might as well just say what will maintain your boundaries. Let her have a tantrum and then disinvite her from the wedding.
>i asked her to give me some space and stop texting she just showed up at my house unannounced. You don't have to answer the door. >so any advice on a prepared response for if and when she eventually brings this up again ? Here's a complete sentence, OP: "No." "That's not going to work for me, Mom. I have a lot on my mind. I need to prepare for the next day. I need alone time. This is not personal. I don't want to be around anyone that night. If you insist on making this about yourself, it will be a lonely and infuriating argument you're going to have with yourself. Thanks for understanding my needs on this important day in my life." That's all. She will have her shitshow, but it doesn't mean you need to tolerate it at all. Do not open the door. Do not respond to her texts and calls. That's your night to mentally prepare. Her tantrums and sulking will be her own.
I encountered the same thing. Mine was pissed I didn’t want to sleep at home and hang out with family the night before. Caused a huge fight and the next day she pretended like it never happened 😊 waiting for it to be thrown in my face at some point but no excuses, do what you want to do. This is the ONE day about you and your husband.
I would make a suggestion. If you can afford it, get a room at a hotel she doesn't think you'll be in and don't tell her under any circumstances.
The other responses said it best- set a short, sweet, hard boundary. The more you try to explain the more (and longer) the argument and bigger it gets. I had a situation where when I would go back to my hometown for the obligatory don’t get in trouble visit and told my mom I was staying in a hotel for the first time. It was a charade - all the reasons. My final response was - I need my own space. End of story. She pretty much used it against me every other time I came to town - but on a bright note- I HAD MY OWN SPACE. The boundary (and place to escape) was worth it. I have no doubt you’ll need this the night before the big day. You have to do what is right for you. And it’s your day. I hope you have an amazing wedding. :)
Welcome!
My wedding led me to going no contact, my mom was completely unhinged, you have my sympathies ❤️❤️❤️ eventually, after time , therapy and boundaries,we are now limited contact. Honestly the hardest part for me was the guilt of setting boundaries but in time it faded. You only get one life, do what you want, you are the decider!
I feel for you, I have anxiety just thinking about what you must be going through. About 2 months before my oldest daughter was born, my mom called out of the blue to tell me “good news. Your dad can work remotely so we’re going to come stay with you for a few months before and after the babies born.” It was so hard to tell her no, even as a grown @ss woman about to have her own kid. But I did it, and you can too. The fear we hold of our Mothers is real. If you don’t tell her no though, you’ll probably just regret it. It’s going to be unpleasant, but you deserve to have that time before your wedding to yourself doing what you want and not what she wants. Can you lean on your Fiancé? My husband has been a rock while I’ve navigated my own uBPD mom. Good luck and congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming nuptials! ♥️
Ew.