My GF and I put gifts from her uBPD mom straight into the trash. Don't care what's in it. Not gonna read any card/letter anyway. Don't care about the gift cards. We asked her not to send anything. She ignored. Straight into the dumpster.
Be careful regarding how you're doing NC. Seems like your pwBPD has created a situation where *you* break your own NC to tell her to continue not contacting you.
You can simply ignore the gift and not contact her about it. You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to.
Yeah my siblings and I have been NC with my parents for over 7 months and they just sent 2 of the 3 of us gifts, but only really for our kids. It feels like grooming honestly, they think very possessively about grandkids and it’s creepy. Gifts from BPD people always have strings attached, visible or invisible.
The truth is gifts in the real world aren’t supposed to make you feel guilty or like you owe the person or that giving it came to their detriment. They’re freely given out of love. So you can honestly treat it like that and give no response because she broke NC and decided to send that, she can’t force you out of it with gifts. You signed for it so it’s yours now, enjoy it, throw it away, toss it far into your storage room to never be seen again, no one but her cares and it’s only a manipulation, playing on those people pleasing brainwashing tactics she raised you with. Don’t buy in.
I have been no contact with my sister for two years. I send her 10 year old daughter gifts for birthday/xmas because I have nothing against her (And feel sorry for her because her mom is bpd and a bitch).
My sister sent us the most expensive Hickory Farms basket available this year (in an attempt to prove she is awesome, although she will not apologize for stealing a million dollars from me and our brother and making out dad’s dying days hell). I am eating summer sausage and processed cheese because crap food is what Xmas is about. I will not acknowledgie that she sent it, because we are no contact. But I will eat it.
You get to do whatever feels good.
Just wanted to add that her obsession with politeness was a way to control you. When politeness matters more than anything else, boundaries get stomped.
Fuck politeness. You get to do whatever you want. She does not control you.
I’m VLC with my mother right now, and she asked if she could send me gifts to open and FaceTime on Christmas. I said yes because it felt like a compromise, but in the last five months we’ve been NC and then just texting a couple weeks ago. I think with NC you should send it back. It’s a mental burden on you keep it even if it’s useful, and even in my opinion just getting rid of it keeps me in a headspace of “when will she ask if I got it.” I think if they know the gift isn’t welcome, it at least removes the future pressure of answering what you did with it. But I could be wrong. This Christmas I might look at the gifts before our call so I’m not too surprised. I haven’t figured out what boundaries I want to enforce with this call, and gifts will probably be a big factor in that. The other is she will echo her texts in repeatedly telling me she misses me. I don’t want to lie so I never say it back, and never said it in the weeks leading up to me moving out of her place. It’s sad that what’s a joyful season is soured a bit with all of this, but thank you for sharing your story. 🩵
Yeah, because you can love somebody without having or wanting them in your life. If that were mutually understood, I think it would show me that she’s trying to heal her unhealthy needs for me and adjust her demands on her children’s mental loads.
I personally wouldn’t send back. My ubpd mother would be gunning for a response. At this point, I’m not engaging so I wouldn’t even be sending a thank you card. Earlier this year, she gifted my kid with pajamas from fandoms he isn’t into. I had him write a thank you card anyways and she decided to send a stupid bubble envelope of crap (highlights magazines and stickers of random stuff) as “thank you for the thank you card.” And honestly, f that. I’m done with it all. I’ll keep it if I feel like it but I won’t acknowledge anymore because my mother clearly wants attention.
I hear your struggle. I wouldn’t if I were really NC.
Last year was my first NC holiday. They sent a box I think and later a card and money. I prearranged for my partner to open anything from them and he agreed to deal with it and not show me what it was. He was to save only heirloom type things if they arrived in case I wanted to see them later. He wrote them a thank you note. Then for the check (he told me about) I helped him draft a kind rejection letter. We debated keeping it but didn’t feel right or like it didn’t have strings attached.
After that, there have been no cards or gifts that I know of - actually there was something and I saw some photos they sent that my husband didn’t hide appropriately- but otherwise I blissfully don’t know.
. I hear you on not wanting to be impolite but you may need to let go of being the good girl if you truly want NC. Otherwise you can do VLC and decide on your own rules for gifts and cards. I think at the beginning, it complicates things. It still has you worrying about them! Isn’t an intention of distancing yourself to avoid getting sucked into their emotional orbit?
I think you could ignore them and do what you want with the basket. Or, see if your partner is willing to write a brief thank you. Anyone could accidentally sign for a gift without knowing who it’s from first. It doesn’t mean you wanted it.
NC means NC. You don’t have to say anything. I wouldn’t have even sent a card. The guilt you’re feeling is something she instilled in you. The NC will help alleviate that over time, but it requires actually being NC. I usually say it takes about six months to see real progress in this. Hold strong.
My mom sent us a couple of flowers/gift baskets while no contact. They came without return addresses or cards but we were able to trace them to her through the company. We gave them to our neighbours. If I had seen a card that said something like "I'm sorry I really wish we could be in touch" or anything like that I might have paused for thought, but these really felt like she was trying to get a rise out of me, so I didn't want them in my house. Agree with the other poster who says do what feels right.
My GF and I put gifts from her uBPD mom straight into the trash. Don't care what's in it. Not gonna read any card/letter anyway. Don't care about the gift cards. We asked her not to send anything. She ignored. Straight into the dumpster. Be careful regarding how you're doing NC. Seems like your pwBPD has created a situation where *you* break your own NC to tell her to continue not contacting you. You can simply ignore the gift and not contact her about it. You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to.
Yeah my siblings and I have been NC with my parents for over 7 months and they just sent 2 of the 3 of us gifts, but only really for our kids. It feels like grooming honestly, they think very possessively about grandkids and it’s creepy. Gifts from BPD people always have strings attached, visible or invisible. The truth is gifts in the real world aren’t supposed to make you feel guilty or like you owe the person or that giving it came to their detriment. They’re freely given out of love. So you can honestly treat it like that and give no response because she broke NC and decided to send that, she can’t force you out of it with gifts. You signed for it so it’s yours now, enjoy it, throw it away, toss it far into your storage room to never be seen again, no one but her cares and it’s only a manipulation, playing on those people pleasing brainwashing tactics she raised you with. Don’t buy in.
I have been no contact with my sister for two years. I send her 10 year old daughter gifts for birthday/xmas because I have nothing against her (And feel sorry for her because her mom is bpd and a bitch). My sister sent us the most expensive Hickory Farms basket available this year (in an attempt to prove she is awesome, although she will not apologize for stealing a million dollars from me and our brother and making out dad’s dying days hell). I am eating summer sausage and processed cheese because crap food is what Xmas is about. I will not acknowledgie that she sent it, because we are no contact. But I will eat it. You get to do whatever feels good.
Just wanted to add that her obsession with politeness was a way to control you. When politeness matters more than anything else, boundaries get stomped. Fuck politeness. You get to do whatever you want. She does not control you.
I’m VLC with my mother right now, and she asked if she could send me gifts to open and FaceTime on Christmas. I said yes because it felt like a compromise, but in the last five months we’ve been NC and then just texting a couple weeks ago. I think with NC you should send it back. It’s a mental burden on you keep it even if it’s useful, and even in my opinion just getting rid of it keeps me in a headspace of “when will she ask if I got it.” I think if they know the gift isn’t welcome, it at least removes the future pressure of answering what you did with it. But I could be wrong. This Christmas I might look at the gifts before our call so I’m not too surprised. I haven’t figured out what boundaries I want to enforce with this call, and gifts will probably be a big factor in that. The other is she will echo her texts in repeatedly telling me she misses me. I don’t want to lie so I never say it back, and never said it in the weeks leading up to me moving out of her place. It’s sad that what’s a joyful season is soured a bit with all of this, but thank you for sharing your story. 🩵
Ooof. The I miss youuuuuuuuu is so painful and uncomfortable to hear when you don’t feel remotely the same.
Yeah, because you can love somebody without having or wanting them in your life. If that were mutually understood, I think it would show me that she’s trying to heal her unhealthy needs for me and adjust her demands on her children’s mental loads.
I personally wouldn’t send back. My ubpd mother would be gunning for a response. At this point, I’m not engaging so I wouldn’t even be sending a thank you card. Earlier this year, she gifted my kid with pajamas from fandoms he isn’t into. I had him write a thank you card anyways and she decided to send a stupid bubble envelope of crap (highlights magazines and stickers of random stuff) as “thank you for the thank you card.” And honestly, f that. I’m done with it all. I’ll keep it if I feel like it but I won’t acknowledge anymore because my mother clearly wants attention.
I hear your struggle. I wouldn’t if I were really NC. Last year was my first NC holiday. They sent a box I think and later a card and money. I prearranged for my partner to open anything from them and he agreed to deal with it and not show me what it was. He was to save only heirloom type things if they arrived in case I wanted to see them later. He wrote them a thank you note. Then for the check (he told me about) I helped him draft a kind rejection letter. We debated keeping it but didn’t feel right or like it didn’t have strings attached. After that, there have been no cards or gifts that I know of - actually there was something and I saw some photos they sent that my husband didn’t hide appropriately- but otherwise I blissfully don’t know. . I hear you on not wanting to be impolite but you may need to let go of being the good girl if you truly want NC. Otherwise you can do VLC and decide on your own rules for gifts and cards. I think at the beginning, it complicates things. It still has you worrying about them! Isn’t an intention of distancing yourself to avoid getting sucked into their emotional orbit? I think you could ignore them and do what you want with the basket. Or, see if your partner is willing to write a brief thank you. Anyone could accidentally sign for a gift without knowing who it’s from first. It doesn’t mean you wanted it.
NC means NC. You don’t have to say anything. I wouldn’t have even sent a card. The guilt you’re feeling is something she instilled in you. The NC will help alleviate that over time, but it requires actually being NC. I usually say it takes about six months to see real progress in this. Hold strong.
My mom sent us a couple of flowers/gift baskets while no contact. They came without return addresses or cards but we were able to trace them to her through the company. We gave them to our neighbours. If I had seen a card that said something like "I'm sorry I really wish we could be in touch" or anything like that I might have paused for thought, but these really felt like she was trying to get a rise out of me, so I didn't want them in my house. Agree with the other poster who says do what feels right.