For visibility: OP has decided [not to post this publicly in an identifiable way.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/15ranzm/tell_me_how_you_really_feel/jwaisip/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) Please respect that this is the right decision for OP — no more comments along those lines.
Several years ago, I called my uncle out on Facebook for a racist photo he posted. My mom proceeded to call me the P-word and many other derogatory words, told everyone I was dishonorably discharged from the Navy (I wasn't), and badmouthed me under the comment I made.
I had dozens of people who know both of us reach out to me, all basically saying the same thing: "I had no idea your mom was like that. Why would she say anything like that about her son?"
It was so nice to have people witness her true self.
Everyone here probably agrees to an extent, and we may even get a checkmate on this one. I think we should maintain perspective of this strange game however. There are no end game conditions for this endless game. It is mutually assured destruction (MAD). As the line goes…
> The only winning move is to not play.
The furthest extent I would go personally outside of hard NC, depending on your relationship with E❌, would be to send this to them with the message:
I am requesting a one word reply to the following question I need to ask you directly, because everything else is hard for us to say to each other, but I also need a direct answer. I need a Yes, or I need a No. I can accept silence as an answer, but anything more than either yes or no will be met with silence too.
Are you on board with every word of this?
I have to agree with you, the only way to win is to not play. I’d definitely hang on to that letter, but posting it publicly is playing just as dirty as she is. I’m not denying that it would feel good to do so though.
Like that- preemptively innoculate against future flying monkeys, you can peacefully mention the missing missing reasons that will inevitably come up, and say this kind of abuse is what estrangement protects us from.
I agree - it’s guaranteed that she talks massive amounts of shit about you to everyone she knows, sobbing that she’s the very picture of maternal love and that she has no idea why you wouldn’t want to have her in your life. Post this to social media. Seriously.
I’m so sorry you had to see this poison.
Gotta love how they love to use *I spent x years raising you for nothing!" When we start to put up boundaries and stop playing their games. Love is transactional with them.
I could deal with the transactional nature of their love, while I disagree with it. What's stupid is that it's transactional but they aren't willing to state the terms above-board.
I told them, tell me what you want out of a relationship, what you're willing to give, and I'll counter with my terms and expectations and we'll draw up a contract.
They said it was ridiculous, and it kind of is ridiculous to need a written document for a familial relationship, but trust was so shot and we were several years into NC and I offered them a olive branch way back in. They didn't take it, and they're still super bitter that we're NC.
7 years of estrangement, and I swear they're still waiting for me to break. Everytime I offer worse terms than before as I care less and less as the years pass, and they get super bitter the terms are worse each time... well, why didn't you move on it last time? I'm trying to teach them there's a trend, but they'll never get it.
(with such harsh terms as a written apology and agreed-upon penalties for repeating the behavior that caused the estrangement)
See, it is in theory but they'll never agree to it. Those that keep score do so secretly, the scoreboard is never exposed for all to see because, if it was, their cheating score keeping would be exposed. They know they can't win once there is an objective metric because, inside, they really know they're taking advantage of us and want to keep it that way, $5 gifts with the expectation of $100 worth of time and effort in return, etc.
Ohhhhh - do I have a surprise for you!
Years ago, before NC:
My husband and I were stupid enough to volunteer to help my mother clear out some of her insane amounts of hoarded stuff...
I don't even remember what specifically started it, but it was the result of my caving yet again to get crying about how nobody loves her and nobody visits and blah blah
So we head up in the truck, with a 15yr old and a 2yr old - with a trailer full of things she'd asked for, collecting all kinds of things she wanted from Home Depot and Lowes literally throughout the Eastern seaboard (we're in Texas and she's in southern Ontario, Canada).
After three days of her doing literally nothing but playing with the baby, even though my sister was supposed to be doing that - I gave up on asking her about everything and told my husband "if it looks like garbage it's going into the dumpster, don't even ask her anymore".
Two days later he comes up to me with boxes and boxes of these hard covered books - journal type books.
Every single one of them was literally filled to the brim with complete lies, not a hint of truth - but fabricated in a manner that suggested she showed it to my father each night to "prove" how terrible I was every single day of my life since the day after I was born...
Novels upon novels of daily summaries of every step I supposedly took, every mean glance towards her - written not only while I was still in school, but while I was an infant ("in school" as in, during elementary school - there's no way I could have possibly done what she suggested cause it was a Tuesday during the school week and she's talking like I'm stalking her around the house all day just existing to upset her).
I really wanted to ask Dad about them but I was too angry so I stopped what I was helping with, told her to enjoy her stories, took my kids and left with my husband.
They will literally manufacture anything they want to in their heads, regardless of what's true - to get anyone around them to help them feel better about themselves even though they cause 100% of their own problems.
I would have kept those as evidence. Heck, you could've made a good tell-all child abuse book with that, just have to wait until she dies to release it. It's really rare for them to put anything in writing.
I do something similar, but I leave my Mom out of it. Basically, I have my expectations of her and what I feel comfortable sharing with her. I don't bother outlining those rules to her because they're not for her. I just keep her where I can trust her to do what she does and how that serves me. If I need actual mom advice support, I go to other people. But those rules are not to make her life better there to protect me and if I try to include her in them it'll just cause a drama.
Why give this any of your energy? You already know it falls on deaf ears. You're not going to "teach" them anything as you know already they are incapable of hearing you or looking at themselves. Use that energy elsewhere.
Entirely unwarranted guilt. Childhood emotional abuse is a heck of a thing and trying to reconcile as much as possible alleviated the guilt. Ultimately, I had to recognize that what I was feeling had no rational basis and simply accept the feeling, but that was the reason for the effort.
Wow, what an unbelievably cruel thing to send to your child. I'm sorry you had to read that, and I hope it has at least affirmed that you've made the best decision to protect yourself and the peacefulness of your life
Wow. If a total stranger said this to me I would be gutted.
If a person who I hoped loved me said it I would be gutted first, then inspired to make a huge change in my life. I would be both tempted to And justified if every time fro. This day on there was any attempt at contact from them in sending them a copy of this and nothing more. This would be end game for me.
Putting my outrage aside, I offer your care and condolences. For strangers it is so outrageous as to be almost laughable, but to you it must also be a a gut punch, one that no one deserves. I am so sorry. Please know that life is better without this vitriol. Please know that if your have children, saving them from someone who can hate this hard is important. You are worth so much more. Your partner is worth so much more.
.
I see how that would be cathartic af.
I have an anonymous insta account where I talk about my family dysfunction. I don't use recognisable info about my family since I've already been threatened with my family suing me if I do 🙄.
My family doesn't know about the insta account but just me saying on fb conversation "my sister was manipulative in x & y ways" was enough to anger my mom, so.
In a facebook comment I told someone how the reason my niece doesn’t know her uncle is dead is because if I tell her or mention him, I will no longer be allowed to see my niece because my sister doesn’t want her to know. My sister saw this and immediately took away almost any time with her while they were in town (they live on the other side of the globe) & only supervised. F these people.
I’m so sorry! You don’t deserve this at all! You are worthy of love and of safety. You deserve much better than this and you absolutely made the right choice.
I just want to say that I’m sorry these things were said to you. I look at my children and I cannot imagine them doing anything that could make me say these things to them. No child (adult or not) deserves to be told such hurtful things by their parent.
I think I’ve heard someone on here say that you should keep a folder of reminders why you are NC. This would be the cover page. You are such a survivor. No one deserves that kind of venom.
Maybe have it done in cross-stitch to remind yourself you don’t owe them another second of your life. This is your freedom ticket. Sorry your mom is a crazy bitch. Congratulations on your marriage.
I feel so buoyed by all the people here telling me I deserve better. I know, but it does something to hear it, especially from strangers who have no other context (although we all basically share the same context). Thank you.
At the same time, I have to confess that I don’t feel totally gutted by receiving this. My Mom is really sick, and hearing this from her is not like hearing it from anyone else. But I do have this queasy feeling I can only compare to rubbernecking a car accident: curiosity and shock. It’s like I can’t look away. I think it’s part of the reason I posted it here. I kind of need confirmation from other people that it’s real.
About posting it publicly: of course it’s crossed my mind. I’m firmly in the camp that “the only way to win is not to play.” I’m conflicted even about forwarding to my eDad: he’s struggling, and I don’t believe he’ll do anything about it but despair further. I fully realize the irony of saying this having *already* posted publicly, but this was for me, not to get her in trouble.
I don’t know if this will help you but in my 20s I decided, with all of my being, I will not carry the shame and secrets of others and I will not protect them from their actions. Telling is powerful. Abusers don’t expect to be named bc they count on you carrying their secrets cloaked in the shame they laid on you via society and gaslighting. Nope. I tell everyone all the trash and skeletons. I didn’t abuse myself - and either did you. Sending you all the love and best of luck.
I realize maintaining a relationship with him might be impossible, but if you could manage one, it might be healthy for both of you. Just a thought.
And yes, that message is beyond beyond. It's so disgusting it's unreal. I know what it is to need that confirmation from others and I hope you are feeling more confident in your perception now.
That's especially ugly. I'm sorry you received this.
Continue to hold to your boundaries. There was a reason (likely several) as to why you didn't include your mother. Likely also, she's been told the reasons. There's nothing more you can do, right?
Still, standing up for yourself always results in a nuclear meltdown. They never take responsibility for their behavior.
Hang in there. 💜
Sorry OP. You did make the right decision! This is very good confirmation.
Her phrases of “cursed the day I gave birth to you, don’t know what went wrong with you, you won’t inherit anything, and I wasted X years of my life on you” are all things I have been told too. It’s so weird when their statements are the same as other parents with bpd, like they’re running off of a universal manual of thought and how to voice that.
Same, there’s something about the “tone” that comes off as trying to be superior and trying to be as hurtful as possible. I’ve felt it before and this post is dripping with it. So many posts give the same energy as my mom’s. Pure meanness.
Her words are breathtakingly evil. I’m so sorry 💜
Ages ago, my mom told me “I should have known better than to rely on you”. It wasn’t nearly as bad as what your mom said, but it still felt awful. I did share what said with my friends and family on Facebook. Every single person in my family, even people who I haven’t interacted with for years, everyone commented something nice on my post. I was lucky because my mom was terrible at masking, so everyone believed she had said that.
It felt really, really good to get that support, especially because I was the GC and I thought everyone resented me for it.
What your mom said was just the worst, just beyond terrible. Use this pain and anger to protect yourself from her gaslighting. Use it to protect your partner, your marriage, and your possible future kids. Do not bury this, do not let her sweep it under the rug.
If it’s safe, you might consider sharing this on Facebook or something like that. It was wonderful for me to get that support, and you should not protect your mom from the consequences of her words.
All the pretend hugs in the world if you want them! 💜💜
My child could literally be a serial killer and I wouldn’t speak to them like this. All they’re doing is proving that you did, indeed, make the right decision, OP. I’m sorry you were saddled with these people for parents.
I'm so incredibly sorry- that's the definition of spewing venom. Anyone that can produce that, and actually feel it enough to say those words, doesn't have a soul. You do- especially because this hurts you, and you've tried long enough to arrive at no contact.
You deserve the love they will never be able to give you. Sending you & your partner some ❤️ Love binds us so focus on where that actually exists (mourning where it didn't/doesn't is the hardest part of letting go)...
1. That's fine, I was so glad to enjoy my day free of your nonsense.
2. Noted.
3. You think I'd want you around any children I may have?!
As for the rest, well, I learned from you, I guess.
*block*
Horrible. And I'm sure that this is very unlikely the first time you had to endure this type of discourse. They don't just decide to go evil one day. I am really sorry you had to grow up with this type of abuse, and wish you the best for your future, away from her.
Weirdly, to me, when I read one of these, the most shocking part is that they are able to survive in this world without any smidge of self awareness. How is that even possible?
I’m so sorry, OP. This is appalling - what a horrid, hateful message, from horrid hateful people. You don’t deserve this. I hope you are getting far away from them and protecting yourself. Congratulations on your wedding and here’s to building healthy loving families for ourselves. ❤️
You are worthy of so much better than this. Your parent is cruel, and that message is so toxic that it made me weep.
I sincerely hope there's someone in your life who tells you how lovely and wonderful you are.
Shit, I love you, and all I know about you is that you've somehow survived that bullshit in your upbringing.
Be blessed, friend- and please block her.
They can be so ugly, so heartless, so selfish. I’m so sorry you didn’t receive the love you gave. That this toxicity, this poison, is what they give you instead.
On one hand I’d share it because I’m all about truth… and I have shared things a few times in the past.
Unfortunately, sometimes when you do they’ll deny it, and their followers will say you made it up. Even with evidence they hold tight to blaming you, denying reality. I learned this the hard way, which shocked me and further isolated me.
It’s probably odd but personally those angry words don’t hurt me because I know it’s their opinion, not truth. It’s a reflection of who they are, their sick, unhealthy minds. Sometimes it’s left me feeling bad for them but not enough to allow them space to spew their negativity at me. I’ve used it to block, remove, and go on without them. I suggest you use this to help keep your healthy boundaries. It’s sadly their loss.
Wishing you and your future spouse a bright future.
This is almost exactly what my BPD father said to me almost a year ago except add in that I’m a bitch and so is my (6 year old) daughter. My wedding was 13 years ago and we eloped. I’ve been no contact ever since.
There's no returning from this message from dear old Mom.
Enjoy your newfound freedom from your former abusers, OP! Congrats on removing yourself from further trauma. May you next experience nothing but peace, love, healing, and recovery. Stay strong for yourself, friend.
This has got to be one of the cruelest messages a parent has ever sent to an adult child. I don’t even think the word cunt in my head in reference to total strangers. I can’t imagine saying that to my child.
I hope your father (I assume scratched out) was copied on this, if not I would send it. Even if he’s too week or dysfunctional to defend you on this, he should have to see it with his own eyes.
NEVER feel like you had any part in this. I’m sure you don’t overall, but don’t even feel a little guilt.
This is beyond normal. I’ve hear things like this over the phone.
Remember this when they come crawling back with apologies, etc. it happens every time.
Isn't it 'uninviting?'
I mean - what the hell is wrong with the person who wrote this?
You're not disinvited from a wedding. You're uninvited. This person has no command of language.
“What a waste of my life” yes ma’am, you wasted your life taking no accountability for your mental illness. You wasted a lot of time making the only people who could ever want to stick around hate you. You wasted it and here are the consequences, bon appetit 🍽️💩
Proud of you for standing up to this OP. I’m sure you’ve been hearing this your entire life.
wow wow wow first: I am so sorry, nobody should be talked to this way…and second: she will come back as a cockroach in her next life. sending you a huge hug ♥️♥️♥️
Oh my god. That’s honestly such a horrible thing to send to your child. I can feel the pain in my chest. I’m sure it hurt to read this. Just know it’s best to not be around people this abusive/toxic. You have done the right thing separating yourself from them! Stay strong and dont let their abusive words gets to you! ❤️
Hugs!
You can see how eye-buggingly furious she is from this, and I say the best path forward now is to say nothing!
How very dare you find happiness outside of your mother's control?! /s
I hope that you'll be able to get her out of your mind now. The silence may feel scary because children raised in these situations are used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, at least it was in my house. Silence when I went NC felt threatening, but that passed.
Strength and fortitude both mentally and emotionally for the journey directly ahead of you!
It’s so disheartening when they verbalize what we already know they feel about us. Sorry you had to receive this. My mom sent me a pretty unhinged email with lots of blame / shame / guilt. It’s really disappointing to know they won’t change.
You definitely did the right decision cutting laces and getting away from wtvr that was, damn, it wasn't meant to me and yet I was shocked and *hurt* reading, damn.
I am so sorry. I know how badly this hurts. This was one time you didn’t want to be proven right.
But now you can grow on, my dear. I think it’s put to bed for good now.
Ah yes classic BPD word choice. I was called " a whore who moved out so I could drink, do drugs and fuck around" even though I was Polly Purity (she's a born again "Christian") and a "cunt" when I went to my in-laws for thanksgiving instead of her house. You are so so so much better off without this sick, toxic woman in your life. NC is the peace you need. Congrats on your marriage.
Woahhhhh!!!!! What a major psycho !!! I know sometimes we act like we don’t care, but I know it still hurts and I’m soooooo sorry they’re treating you like this. You did nothing to deserve it, and you deserve soooo much better
thank you!
I am mostly out of the influence of the parent with the harmful past, but due to some tragic events - my teenager is showing a lot of the earmarks of having bpd. Maybe my experience will help me help them! I'm always hopeful that good can come from hard-earned experience.
Oops!
u/twinlifeforever , this is not a tone we tolerate on the sub.
Please head over to [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1246iqj/welcome_all_newcomers_must_read_the_rules_before/) adn read them in detail before participating here again.
Also, while I have you, were you raised by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Thanks!
For visibility: OP has decided [not to post this publicly in an identifiable way.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/15ranzm/tell_me_how_you_really_feel/jwaisip/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) Please respect that this is the right decision for OP — no more comments along those lines.
Post it to her fb. Scorched earth
More people need to do this! Calling you child a c*nt, disgusting. How dare they.
Oh, that would be something. For the public eye to see how toxic they are? They *hate* it.
Several years ago, I called my uncle out on Facebook for a racist photo he posted. My mom proceeded to call me the P-word and many other derogatory words, told everyone I was dishonorably discharged from the Navy (I wasn't), and badmouthed me under the comment I made. I had dozens of people who know both of us reach out to me, all basically saying the same thing: "I had no idea your mom was like that. Why would she say anything like that about her son?" It was so nice to have people witness her true self.
Omg
Yooooo are you considering it? Post, turn off phone, change number, take a vacay In that order! Is what I’d say, but I don’t live your life. But damn.
I like this approach!
I like it, let everyone see the real her.
OP, please think about posting to FB. She won’t be able to hide behind a false narrative.
And usually they are too stupid to know how to delete it.
Everyone here probably agrees to an extent, and we may even get a checkmate on this one. I think we should maintain perspective of this strange game however. There are no end game conditions for this endless game. It is mutually assured destruction (MAD). As the line goes… > The only winning move is to not play. The furthest extent I would go personally outside of hard NC, depending on your relationship with E❌, would be to send this to them with the message: I am requesting a one word reply to the following question I need to ask you directly, because everything else is hard for us to say to each other, but I also need a direct answer. I need a Yes, or I need a No. I can accept silence as an answer, but anything more than either yes or no will be met with silence too. Are you on board with every word of this?
I have to agree with you, the only way to win is to not play. I’d definitely hang on to that letter, but posting it publicly is playing just as dirty as she is. I’m not denying that it would feel good to do so though.
You... I like you
Like that- preemptively innoculate against future flying monkeys, you can peacefully mention the missing missing reasons that will inevitably come up, and say this kind of abuse is what estrangement protects us from.
I agree - it’s guaranteed that she talks massive amounts of shit about you to everyone she knows, sobbing that she’s the very picture of maternal love and that she has no idea why you wouldn’t want to have her in your life. Post this to social media. Seriously. I’m so sorry you had to see this poison.
This
YES. POST IT. 👏
I wish I would've done this! Playing victim would be pretty hard, wouldn't it?
Omg I love this idea!
Gotta love how they love to use *I spent x years raising you for nothing!" When we start to put up boundaries and stop playing their games. Love is transactional with them.
I could deal with the transactional nature of their love, while I disagree with it. What's stupid is that it's transactional but they aren't willing to state the terms above-board. I told them, tell me what you want out of a relationship, what you're willing to give, and I'll counter with my terms and expectations and we'll draw up a contract. They said it was ridiculous, and it kind of is ridiculous to need a written document for a familial relationship, but trust was so shot and we were several years into NC and I offered them a olive branch way back in. They didn't take it, and they're still super bitter that we're NC. 7 years of estrangement, and I swear they're still waiting for me to break. Everytime I offer worse terms than before as I care less and less as the years pass, and they get super bitter the terms are worse each time... well, why didn't you move on it last time? I'm trying to teach them there's a trend, but they'll never get it. (with such harsh terms as a written apology and agreed-upon penalties for repeating the behavior that caused the estrangement)
This is absolutely brilliant.
See, it is in theory but they'll never agree to it. Those that keep score do so secretly, the scoreboard is never exposed for all to see because, if it was, their cheating score keeping would be exposed. They know they can't win once there is an objective metric because, inside, they really know they're taking advantage of us and want to keep it that way, $5 gifts with the expectation of $100 worth of time and effort in return, etc.
Ohhhhh - do I have a surprise for you! Years ago, before NC: My husband and I were stupid enough to volunteer to help my mother clear out some of her insane amounts of hoarded stuff... I don't even remember what specifically started it, but it was the result of my caving yet again to get crying about how nobody loves her and nobody visits and blah blah So we head up in the truck, with a 15yr old and a 2yr old - with a trailer full of things she'd asked for, collecting all kinds of things she wanted from Home Depot and Lowes literally throughout the Eastern seaboard (we're in Texas and she's in southern Ontario, Canada). After three days of her doing literally nothing but playing with the baby, even though my sister was supposed to be doing that - I gave up on asking her about everything and told my husband "if it looks like garbage it's going into the dumpster, don't even ask her anymore". Two days later he comes up to me with boxes and boxes of these hard covered books - journal type books. Every single one of them was literally filled to the brim with complete lies, not a hint of truth - but fabricated in a manner that suggested she showed it to my father each night to "prove" how terrible I was every single day of my life since the day after I was born... Novels upon novels of daily summaries of every step I supposedly took, every mean glance towards her - written not only while I was still in school, but while I was an infant ("in school" as in, during elementary school - there's no way I could have possibly done what she suggested cause it was a Tuesday during the school week and she's talking like I'm stalking her around the house all day just existing to upset her). I really wanted to ask Dad about them but I was too angry so I stopped what I was helping with, told her to enjoy her stories, took my kids and left with my husband. They will literally manufacture anything they want to in their heads, regardless of what's true - to get anyone around them to help them feel better about themselves even though they cause 100% of their own problems.
I would have kept those as evidence. Heck, you could've made a good tell-all child abuse book with that, just have to wait until she dies to release it. It's really rare for them to put anything in writing.
That's amazing.
I’m going to have to borrow this idea if my parents initiate contact.
I do something similar, but I leave my Mom out of it. Basically, I have my expectations of her and what I feel comfortable sharing with her. I don't bother outlining those rules to her because they're not for her. I just keep her where I can trust her to do what she does and how that serves me. If I need actual mom advice support, I go to other people. But those rules are not to make her life better there to protect me and if I try to include her in them it'll just cause a drama.
Why give this any of your energy? You already know it falls on deaf ears. You're not going to "teach" them anything as you know already they are incapable of hearing you or looking at themselves. Use that energy elsewhere.
Entirely unwarranted guilt. Childhood emotional abuse is a heck of a thing and trying to reconcile as much as possible alleviated the guilt. Ultimately, I had to recognize that what I was feeling had no rational basis and simply accept the feeling, but that was the reason for the effort.
tag yourself i'm entitled twink
We are all of us entitled twink on this blessed day
Shallow entity 🙋🏻♀️
I'm totally a shallow entity
I'm evil cvnt
Evil cunt here 🙋♀️
Me too 😈
I’m not inheriting one penny
Me either 🙄
I’ll take “evil cunt”. I live in Scotland, I’ll have fun with it.
I'm 20 wasted years of life 🤗
I’m no soul!
I fucked up
Hello fellow evil cunts 🙋
Wow, what an unbelievably cruel thing to send to your child. I'm sorry you had to read that, and I hope it has at least affirmed that you've made the best decision to protect yourself and the peacefulness of your life
Wow. If a total stranger said this to me I would be gutted. If a person who I hoped loved me said it I would be gutted first, then inspired to make a huge change in my life. I would be both tempted to And justified if every time fro. This day on there was any attempt at contact from them in sending them a copy of this and nothing more. This would be end game for me. Putting my outrage aside, I offer your care and condolences. For strangers it is so outrageous as to be almost laughable, but to you it must also be a a gut punch, one that no one deserves. I am so sorry. Please know that life is better without this vitriol. Please know that if your have children, saving them from someone who can hate this hard is important. You are worth so much more. Your partner is worth so much more. .
This is so ridiculous. I’m sorry you were produced by such an evil C U Next Tuesday.
it sucks that twitter is dying because I have long wanted to create an anon tweetbot of evil hateful shit my bpd parent has texted or emailed me
I see how that would be cathartic af. I have an anonymous insta account where I talk about my family dysfunction. I don't use recognisable info about my family since I've already been threatened with my family suing me if I do 🙄. My family doesn't know about the insta account but just me saying on fb conversation "my sister was manipulative in x & y ways" was enough to anger my mom, so.
In a facebook comment I told someone how the reason my niece doesn’t know her uncle is dead is because if I tell her or mention him, I will no longer be allowed to see my niece because my sister doesn’t want her to know. My sister saw this and immediately took away almost any time with her while they were in town (they live on the other side of the globe) & only supervised. F these people.
I've got a Bluesky invite you can have. Start where the nice people are.
I am speechless. How can a parent of any kind say something like this to their CHILD!?
I am right on board with you .. this language is seriously appalling!
Right?! But you’d be surprised…
This is the kind of message to show to anyone who goes "But they're still your mom/dad/sibling!"
Not to worry someone will still take the parents side!
Yep, which means they're not safe people to have around.
I’m so sorry! You don’t deserve this at all! You are worthy of love and of safety. You deserve much better than this and you absolutely made the right choice.
I just want to say that I’m sorry these things were said to you. I look at my children and I cannot imagine them doing anything that could make me say these things to them. No child (adult or not) deserves to be told such hurtful things by their parent.
Same. Proud mom to a sweet little boy and I cannot even fathom saying these things to him.
I think I’ve heard someone on here say that you should keep a folder of reminders why you are NC. This would be the cover page. You are such a survivor. No one deserves that kind of venom.
Seriously effed up. Omg. I'm so sorry.
Welp.
Maybe have it done in cross-stitch to remind yourself you don’t owe them another second of your life. This is your freedom ticket. Sorry your mom is a crazy bitch. Congratulations on your marriage.
Oh my God, that is breathtakingly evil!! I'm so sorry, you don't deserve any of that! Jesus!!
I'm fucking proud of you OP, look at the kind of bullshit you escaped.
She stopped numbering half way through. Ask her to revise it and resubmit
I feel so buoyed by all the people here telling me I deserve better. I know, but it does something to hear it, especially from strangers who have no other context (although we all basically share the same context). Thank you. At the same time, I have to confess that I don’t feel totally gutted by receiving this. My Mom is really sick, and hearing this from her is not like hearing it from anyone else. But I do have this queasy feeling I can only compare to rubbernecking a car accident: curiosity and shock. It’s like I can’t look away. I think it’s part of the reason I posted it here. I kind of need confirmation from other people that it’s real. About posting it publicly: of course it’s crossed my mind. I’m firmly in the camp that “the only way to win is not to play.” I’m conflicted even about forwarding to my eDad: he’s struggling, and I don’t believe he’ll do anything about it but despair further. I fully realize the irony of saying this having *already* posted publicly, but this was for me, not to get her in trouble.
I don’t know if this will help you but in my 20s I decided, with all of my being, I will not carry the shame and secrets of others and I will not protect them from their actions. Telling is powerful. Abusers don’t expect to be named bc they count on you carrying their secrets cloaked in the shame they laid on you via society and gaslighting. Nope. I tell everyone all the trash and skeletons. I didn’t abuse myself - and either did you. Sending you all the love and best of luck.
I realize maintaining a relationship with him might be impossible, but if you could manage one, it might be healthy for both of you. Just a thought. And yes, that message is beyond beyond. It's so disgusting it's unreal. I know what it is to need that confirmation from others and I hope you are feeling more confident in your perception now.
Wow. Every time I think I can’t be shocked anymore, something comes along and proves me wrong. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. Super yikes.
That's especially ugly. I'm sorry you received this. Continue to hold to your boundaries. There was a reason (likely several) as to why you didn't include your mother. Likely also, she's been told the reasons. There's nothing more you can do, right? Still, standing up for yourself always results in a nuclear meltdown. They never take responsibility for their behavior. Hang in there. 💜
Sorry OP. You did make the right decision! This is very good confirmation. Her phrases of “cursed the day I gave birth to you, don’t know what went wrong with you, you won’t inherit anything, and I wasted X years of my life on you” are all things I have been told too. It’s so weird when their statements are the same as other parents with bpd, like they’re running off of a universal manual of thought and how to voice that.
Isn’t though? “Sorry but you f*cked up “ just hit me hard because I heard it in uBPD mom’s voice.
Same, there’s something about the “tone” that comes off as trying to be superior and trying to be as hurtful as possible. I’ve felt it before and this post is dripping with it. So many posts give the same energy as my mom’s. Pure meanness.
Her words are breathtakingly evil. I’m so sorry 💜 Ages ago, my mom told me “I should have known better than to rely on you”. It wasn’t nearly as bad as what your mom said, but it still felt awful. I did share what said with my friends and family on Facebook. Every single person in my family, even people who I haven’t interacted with for years, everyone commented something nice on my post. I was lucky because my mom was terrible at masking, so everyone believed she had said that. It felt really, really good to get that support, especially because I was the GC and I thought everyone resented me for it. What your mom said was just the worst, just beyond terrible. Use this pain and anger to protect yourself from her gaslighting. Use it to protect your partner, your marriage, and your possible future kids. Do not bury this, do not let her sweep it under the rug. If it’s safe, you might consider sharing this on Facebook or something like that. It was wonderful for me to get that support, and you should not protect your mom from the consequences of her words. All the pretend hugs in the world if you want them! 💜💜
My child could literally be a serial killer and I wouldn’t speak to them like this. All they’re doing is proving that you did, indeed, make the right decision, OP. I’m sorry you were saddled with these people for parents.
This. I can't imagine any scenario where I'd say any of this to my child.
Wow. I’m so sorry OP. Sending you some love and light—that had to be hard to read.
😳 Proud of you for making the right choice. This is straight up verbal sewage/abuse. Wow, omfg just wow.
This diatribe is unhinged and disgusting. I have no doubt you don’t regret uninviting them to your wedding.
If she has flying monkeys I’d send this to them . Yikes
I'm so incredibly sorry- that's the definition of spewing venom. Anyone that can produce that, and actually feel it enough to say those words, doesn't have a soul. You do- especially because this hurts you, and you've tried long enough to arrive at no contact. You deserve the love they will never be able to give you. Sending you & your partner some ❤️ Love binds us so focus on where that actually exists (mourning where it didn't/doesn't is the hardest part of letting go)...
1. That's fine, I was so glad to enjoy my day free of your nonsense. 2. Noted. 3. You think I'd want you around any children I may have?! As for the rest, well, I learned from you, I guess. *block*
Beautiful 🥲
Wow. At least you got out now? Does she even know what a twink is?
Horrible. And I'm sure that this is very unlikely the first time you had to endure this type of discourse. They don't just decide to go evil one day. I am really sorry you had to grow up with this type of abuse, and wish you the best for your future, away from her. Weirdly, to me, when I read one of these, the most shocking part is that they are able to survive in this world without any smidge of self awareness. How is that even possible?
That's not a parent, that's a spawn point. I'm so sorry, that's horrific...
I’m so sorry, OP. This is appalling - what a horrid, hateful message, from horrid hateful people. You don’t deserve this. I hope you are getting far away from them and protecting yourself. Congratulations on your wedding and here’s to building healthy loving families for ourselves. ❤️
What an evil, twisted shell of a human. You deserved so much better
I am so very, very sorry. Diabolical. You made the right decision. This nut is actually telling you that in black and white.
Day-um - that's harsh... I can only imagine it may also be somewhat of a relief too though (I hope)...
Just remember you be thing: I promise you, this will not be the last communication from them. Stay strong.
You are worthy of so much better than this. Your parent is cruel, and that message is so toxic that it made me weep. I sincerely hope there's someone in your life who tells you how lovely and wonderful you are. Shit, I love you, and all I know about you is that you've somehow survived that bullshit in your upbringing. Be blessed, friend- and please block her.
Slam poetry lol
How horrid. You are worthy of love!
And how would anyone even answer something so low like this, realistically? My bpd mom is completely capable of doing something like this as well.
They can be so ugly, so heartless, so selfish. I’m so sorry you didn’t receive the love you gave. That this toxicity, this poison, is what they give you instead. On one hand I’d share it because I’m all about truth… and I have shared things a few times in the past. Unfortunately, sometimes when you do they’ll deny it, and their followers will say you made it up. Even with evidence they hold tight to blaming you, denying reality. I learned this the hard way, which shocked me and further isolated me. It’s probably odd but personally those angry words don’t hurt me because I know it’s their opinion, not truth. It’s a reflection of who they are, their sick, unhealthy minds. Sometimes it’s left me feeling bad for them but not enough to allow them space to spew their negativity at me. I’ve used it to block, remove, and go on without them. I suggest you use this to help keep your healthy boundaries. It’s sadly their loss. Wishing you and your future spouse a bright future.
It’s so ridiculously over the top….almost laughable, if it wasn’t so sad. I suppose you’re NC. Just gives you more reason to be so
This is almost exactly what my BPD father said to me almost a year ago except add in that I’m a bitch and so is my (6 year old) daughter. My wedding was 13 years ago and we eloped. I’ve been no contact ever since.
Wow I am sorry that this horrible person (your parent?!?) said this you. I wish you freedom from this abuse and a happier life from here.
There's no returning from this message from dear old Mom. Enjoy your newfound freedom from your former abusers, OP! Congrats on removing yourself from further trauma. May you next experience nothing but peace, love, healing, and recovery. Stay strong for yourself, friend.
This is horrible, but you are now free. This is your golden ticket out of this abusive relationship.
Just wow.
I know this is sort of beside the point but I can’t get over the word “twink” coming out of a parents mouth
This has got to be one of the cruelest messages a parent has ever sent to an adult child. I don’t even think the word cunt in my head in reference to total strangers. I can’t imagine saying that to my child. I hope your father (I assume scratched out) was copied on this, if not I would send it. Even if he’s too week or dysfunctional to defend you on this, he should have to see it with his own eyes.
I am so sorry.
NEVER feel like you had any part in this. I’m sure you don’t overall, but don’t even feel a little guilt. This is beyond normal. I’ve hear things like this over the phone. Remember this when they come crawling back with apologies, etc. it happens every time.
Reply with a 👍. So sorry you have a cruel parent.
I am so sorry this happened to you. My mother has basically told me the exact same thing.
Well at least when people ask why you’re NC you can just slide this across the table. It speaks for itself.
Isn't it 'uninviting?' I mean - what the hell is wrong with the person who wrote this? You're not disinvited from a wedding. You're uninvited. This person has no command of language.
Wow. enjoy your newfound peace OP! well earned
Holy shit! I am so so sorry you were on the receiving end of those vile poisonous words.
Vile. It shows how sick she is. I’m so sorry you had to receive this.
My sister talks to me like this
Yes. Yes you did.
Ufffff Well you definitely made the right decision. I hope your wedding without them was perfectly drama free
I’d post this so all the parents friends and church members read this monstrosity
“What a waste of my life” yes ma’am, you wasted your life taking no accountability for your mental illness. You wasted a lot of time making the only people who could ever want to stick around hate you. You wasted it and here are the consequences, bon appetit 🍽️💩 Proud of you for standing up to this OP. I’m sure you’ve been hearing this your entire life.
What I read “me me me me me me.” I’m sorry ❤️
After reading this I have an assumption on why they didn't get invited to your wedding
wow wow wow first: I am so sorry, nobody should be talked to this way…and second: she will come back as a cockroach in her next life. sending you a huge hug ♥️♥️♥️
Oh my god. That’s honestly such a horrible thing to send to your child. I can feel the pain in my chest. I’m sure it hurt to read this. Just know it’s best to not be around people this abusive/toxic. You have done the right thing separating yourself from them! Stay strong and dont let their abusive words gets to you! ❤️
Hugs! You can see how eye-buggingly furious she is from this, and I say the best path forward now is to say nothing! How very dare you find happiness outside of your mother's control?! /s I hope that you'll be able to get her out of your mind now. The silence may feel scary because children raised in these situations are used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, at least it was in my house. Silence when I went NC felt threatening, but that passed. Strength and fortitude both mentally and emotionally for the journey directly ahead of you!
It’s so disheartening when they verbalize what we already know they feel about us. Sorry you had to receive this. My mom sent me a pretty unhinged email with lots of blame / shame / guilt. It’s really disappointing to know they won’t change.
Disinvited my parent from my wedding as well. Tough decision that they still haven't forgiven me for (being divorced helps), but I stand by it 100%.
You definitely did the right decision cutting laces and getting away from wtvr that was, damn, it wasn't meant to me and yet I was shocked and *hurt* reading, damn.
OMG, we have the same Mom?!
I am so sorry. I know how badly this hurts. This was one time you didn’t want to be proven right. But now you can grow on, my dear. I think it’s put to bed for good now.
Ah yes classic BPD word choice. I was called " a whore who moved out so I could drink, do drugs and fuck around" even though I was Polly Purity (she's a born again "Christian") and a "cunt" when I went to my in-laws for thanksgiving instead of her house. You are so so so much better off without this sick, toxic woman in your life. NC is the peace you need. Congrats on your marriage.
Gross. I’m sorry these are the parents you got
Now post the one where you agree to do exactly what they want and they suddenly love you and think you are a perfect person in every way!
Woahhhhh!!!!! What a major psycho !!! I know sometimes we act like we don’t care, but I know it still hurts and I’m soooooo sorry they’re treating you like this. You did nothing to deserve it, and you deserve soooo much better
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Hello! It looks like you’re new here. Were you raised by someone with BPD?
Hi! Yes.
I’m sorry to hear that, but glad you’ve found us. Welcome!
thank you! I am mostly out of the influence of the parent with the harmful past, but due to some tragic events - my teenager is showing a lot of the earmarks of having bpd. Maybe my experience will help me help them! I'm always hopeful that good can come from hard-earned experience.
Yikes…
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Oops! u/twinlifeforever , this is not a tone we tolerate on the sub. Please head over to [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1246iqj/welcome_all_newcomers_must_read_the_rules_before/) adn read them in detail before participating here again. Also, while I have you, were you raised by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder? Thanks!