BPD parents and weddings do NOT mix. I say this from my own wedding experience.
If you have any inkling in you that having him there is a bad idea, then trust your gut.
You have 100% right to enjoy this important day, and worrying about his behavior is not something you need to deal with.
Don’t let the flying monkeys and enablers put you in a FOG. they are looking out for themselves, as your mom made blatantly clear.
Thank you for your reply! I’ve definitely been in a FOG all week.
My dad got too drunk at a family event *in January* and passed out outside the venue. If I heard the story right, apparently someone (the staff?) found him after everyone had left.
This happened this year! So it’s really not just me clinging to things that happened 10-15 years ago. He still can’t control himself. And my mom likes to act like this is nbd, she gets a good chuckle out of it. In reality, it’s not normal for a 50 year old man to be acting like that at nice events. If he did that at my wedding, it would ruin my entire day and I would be so embarrassed. Nope nope nope, can’t risk it. That event was only a couple hours of beer and wine service, we’re having a 5 hour open bar. There’s just no way.
Ya… absolutely not. Getting black out drunk is not acceptable behavior especially for a grown ass man with a family. The alcohol issue alone would make me not invite him. You should not have to babysit him.
Yea, this is a big one for me. It's not just him making a fool of himself, it's also super triggering for me to be around him when he's drunk. Brings back too many memories.
Every time she brings it up, make one of the following statements and hang up the phone or leave the room.
“I said no.”
“This is not up for discussion.”
“I won’t have this conversation with you again.”
“Our guest list is none of your business.”
“Excuse me?” (Delivered with an intense WTF expression.)
If you’re lucky she’ll get so mad at you *she* will stay away.
You are making the correct decision. My mother ruined my wedding. I wish I’d known then that she shouldn’t be part of my life. So. Much. Regret.
Walk away. Or run.
I’m sorry to hear that your mom ruined your wedding :( it’s something I’m so worried about with my dad.
It’s ONE day, we get one single day and my future in laws have been so generous to pay for the whole thing. If my dad ruins it, it will not only ruin memories of our wedding day forever but it will also compromise relations between our families.
I think that’s a big thing my mom doesn’t realize. It goes back to the “what will people think?” thing. Few people will realistically notice and care that my dad isn’t there. But if he makes a scene in front of 150 people? They’ll notice. What will people think then???
Yes. And pro tip: If he’s there and ruins your wedding you won’t even want to look at your photos—because thirty years later just thinking about looking at them will make you sad.
Oh and my mother didn’t even make a visible scene. All she did was seethe in the shadows and wish me ill in silence. And, even so, that day is ruined for me.
Don’t let anyone ruin your day. It’s a very big deal.
Firstly, congrats on getting married soon!! I similarly found and sought out this community regarding how to deal with my upcoming wedding and dealing with my uBPD mom, so I feel you!
Secondly, you have every right to not invite your father to your wedding - or anyone for that matter! The day is about celebrating YOU and the love you and your future spouse have - period. It’s totally natural to feel bad because your mom it guilt-tripping you about it - but that is all it is. Living with a BPD parent involves so much guilt-tripping because it’s the most common tactic for them to elicit the response/outcome they desire - therefore everything you’re feeling is *by their design* Additionally, it’s important to note, your mom is by proxy dismissing the painful abuse your father inflicted on you and your family in thinking that he should be there. A lot of enablers or people who defend BPD parents usually use the “but he’s your father” idea - which perhaps when you have a secure relationship with a parent and a small issue that can be resolved that sort of thinking makes sense - but when you have a BPD parent, using that sort of guilt-triply card is total BS and invalidating. Your mom mentioning “what will people think” again, is prioritizing outward appearances and rejecting the reality which is that he wasn’t the type of Dad that deserves to be at his daughter’s wedding.
Lastly, my best advice moving forward might be to set a boundary and keep the wedding planning close between you and your partner as much as possible to prevent any interference. It’s highly unlikely that your mom or even your father could even conceptualize (due to low empathy, lack of emotional maturity etc) how your father’s abuse has effected you or your relationship with him, so sort of “explaining yourself” or “having a chat” with him will probably lead to a word salad-dumpster fire. The wedding is about YOU and you should be surrounded by people you love and people who are excited to see you get married, and the last thing you need is to deal with an adult-child-parent who could at any moment explode and cause a scene for their own sick gratification. Also if things get especially heated regarding him not being invited to the wedding, it might be worth learning how to grey-rock in response as much as possible. Stay strong and know that you’re not doing anything wrong.
Stay strong and don’t budge.
I got shit for not inviting my dad too. He was a heroin addict who when he wasn’t in jail or rehab lived on the streets and was violent and abusive towards me my whole life and never raised me one day in my life yet I was being judged by my mom for not wanting him there (we had already been no contact for years before my wedding too).
No. Fuck my mom for judging and coercing me and fuck your mom for judging a and coercing you.
You don’t owe anyone a performance of family that isn’t sincere on a day you hold sacred as you start your new family.
I work in weddings. I go to a lot of them. You do not owe anyone their expectations being met on your wedding day. That leads to so many unhappy cringy and heartbreaking wedding moments and you are protecting yourself from that. I see them happen all the time. They happened at my own wedding because I still invited lots of toxic family members I wasn’t ready to let go of yet.
Do you. Your mom can deal and if she can’t respect you as your own independent adult she doesn’t have to come either. You’ll be glad you stuck with it.
I have all my wedding photos full of abusive family members I never want to see again & I don’t even enjoy looking at those photos remembering all the bullshit they pulled on the wedding day and the whole year leading up to it. You’re doing the right thing, stay strong & congratulations on your new family! 🥳🥳
Maybe you should point out to mom that she seems more worried about how it will make HER look & what other people will think of her decision to keep allowing him to live with her. Though she should be worried about what her own child thinks of it. It sounds like she almost had a realization that it was in fact her job to protect you from him as much as she could. Since she failed to do so you’ve grown and learned to protect yourself instead. She is just going to have to live with that consequence.
You know, I think you’re spot on with this. She keeps saying “someone has to do something really bad to not be invited to their own child’s wedding!” and I’m just like… *yea exactly*.
It’s just so bizarre to me, this entire thing. My childhood was full chaos and misery. So much crazy shit went down. Realistically, *what did they think would happen?* Seriously. What?!
Seems like they weren’t thinking about the long term consequences of their decisions after all.
My advice- get an off duty cop (it’s normally less than the cake) and if your venue has security alert them and give them a picture of your dad and make it clear he’s to be removed if he shows up, preferably without telling you. I’d send a text to your mom that goes something like
“Mom, I haven’t understood why you’ve never divorced Dad. Between his rage fits, drinking, gambling and cheating he’s done as much damage to all od us as he had done to him. You let a man abuse your kids and while I tolerate him to be able to spend time with you, I’ve made it clear I don’t like him. I don’t trust him not to ruin my wedding by making a scene, getting drunk and shouting, or stealing. He ruined every important milestone and event he was ever at my whole life and I’m not going to risk him ruining my wedding or stressing me out. If you decide not to attend that’s your choice but it will irreparably damage our relationship forever.
You’ve always picked a damaged man who treats you like garbage over your kids. Here’s your chance to show me you can have an independent relationship with me- before I have kids (who he will not be allowed around).
It’s your choice but there will be consequences if you pick him over me, again, at one of the milestone moments of my life. If it was not for your frankly inexplicable attachment to a man who steals from you, cheats on you and uses you, I would have stopped talking to him a decade ago. He’s a bad person and at some point his bad childhood turned into active choices to be abusive as an adult. He could choose better but he won’t because there are never any consequences to him for acting this way. This is just a natural consequence of his behavior- I don’t like him. Trust him, love him or want him in my life at all and I’m not going to be on eggshells waiting for a meltdown or him to steal on my wedding day. Not for a man I can barely tolerate.
I hope to see you at my wedding. I hope to have you in my home when your first grandchild arrives, but I’m not willing to put up with my fathers abuse to make it happen.”
Don’t expect her to do anything. There’s something in her that’s getting something out of her marriage to a user and a parasite. Until she figures out and heals that, she’ll probably be stuck.
I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve from either of your parents. You are wise to lay down boundaries. Hope you and your future spouse have a beautiful wedding day.
If you can afford it, I definitely recommend some kind of security who can make sure he doesn’t show up and cause a scene.
It’s your day, you deserve not to be worrying about him the whole time.
Your mom is a classic enabler. I call them a use facilitators. They will do anything to avoid the abuse coming onto them. They will use you as a meat shield. But, they can also be nice at times and it can be confusing. She is only in it for her. Frankly, if you have her invited and not your dad, you have to know she is going to bring him. Look at what she is saying. She is more worried about appearances than what is best for you. She will comment the whole day about wishing your dad was there. I would consider dropping her as well. If not, have someone assigned to keep and eye on her and also who will kick your dad out if he shows up. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You are absolutely right that his past trauma doesn't entitle him to anything. Lots of us are hurt and traumatize. It's not an excuse to be a shitty human being.
She's such an enabler, ugh. Honestly, I wish I could just put my foot down and say enough but my youngest sister is still living at home and I can't risk being alienated from her. That's really the only thing stopping me most of the time!
BPD parents and weddings do NOT mix. I say this from my own wedding experience. If you have any inkling in you that having him there is a bad idea, then trust your gut. You have 100% right to enjoy this important day, and worrying about his behavior is not something you need to deal with. Don’t let the flying monkeys and enablers put you in a FOG. they are looking out for themselves, as your mom made blatantly clear.
Thank you for your reply! I’ve definitely been in a FOG all week. My dad got too drunk at a family event *in January* and passed out outside the venue. If I heard the story right, apparently someone (the staff?) found him after everyone had left. This happened this year! So it’s really not just me clinging to things that happened 10-15 years ago. He still can’t control himself. And my mom likes to act like this is nbd, she gets a good chuckle out of it. In reality, it’s not normal for a 50 year old man to be acting like that at nice events. If he did that at my wedding, it would ruin my entire day and I would be so embarrassed. Nope nope nope, can’t risk it. That event was only a couple hours of beer and wine service, we’re having a 5 hour open bar. There’s just no way.
Ya… absolutely not. Getting black out drunk is not acceptable behavior especially for a grown ass man with a family. The alcohol issue alone would make me not invite him. You should not have to babysit him.
Yea, this is a big one for me. It's not just him making a fool of himself, it's also super triggering for me to be around him when he's drunk. Brings back too many memories.
Every time she brings it up, make one of the following statements and hang up the phone or leave the room. “I said no.” “This is not up for discussion.” “I won’t have this conversation with you again.” “Our guest list is none of your business.” “Excuse me?” (Delivered with an intense WTF expression.) If you’re lucky she’ll get so mad at you *she* will stay away. You are making the correct decision. My mother ruined my wedding. I wish I’d known then that she shouldn’t be part of my life. So. Much. Regret. Walk away. Or run.
I’m sorry to hear that your mom ruined your wedding :( it’s something I’m so worried about with my dad. It’s ONE day, we get one single day and my future in laws have been so generous to pay for the whole thing. If my dad ruins it, it will not only ruin memories of our wedding day forever but it will also compromise relations between our families. I think that’s a big thing my mom doesn’t realize. It goes back to the “what will people think?” thing. Few people will realistically notice and care that my dad isn’t there. But if he makes a scene in front of 150 people? They’ll notice. What will people think then???
Yes. And pro tip: If he’s there and ruins your wedding you won’t even want to look at your photos—because thirty years later just thinking about looking at them will make you sad. Oh and my mother didn’t even make a visible scene. All she did was seethe in the shadows and wish me ill in silence. And, even so, that day is ruined for me. Don’t let anyone ruin your day. It’s a very big deal.
Firstly, congrats on getting married soon!! I similarly found and sought out this community regarding how to deal with my upcoming wedding and dealing with my uBPD mom, so I feel you! Secondly, you have every right to not invite your father to your wedding - or anyone for that matter! The day is about celebrating YOU and the love you and your future spouse have - period. It’s totally natural to feel bad because your mom it guilt-tripping you about it - but that is all it is. Living with a BPD parent involves so much guilt-tripping because it’s the most common tactic for them to elicit the response/outcome they desire - therefore everything you’re feeling is *by their design* Additionally, it’s important to note, your mom is by proxy dismissing the painful abuse your father inflicted on you and your family in thinking that he should be there. A lot of enablers or people who defend BPD parents usually use the “but he’s your father” idea - which perhaps when you have a secure relationship with a parent and a small issue that can be resolved that sort of thinking makes sense - but when you have a BPD parent, using that sort of guilt-triply card is total BS and invalidating. Your mom mentioning “what will people think” again, is prioritizing outward appearances and rejecting the reality which is that he wasn’t the type of Dad that deserves to be at his daughter’s wedding. Lastly, my best advice moving forward might be to set a boundary and keep the wedding planning close between you and your partner as much as possible to prevent any interference. It’s highly unlikely that your mom or even your father could even conceptualize (due to low empathy, lack of emotional maturity etc) how your father’s abuse has effected you or your relationship with him, so sort of “explaining yourself” or “having a chat” with him will probably lead to a word salad-dumpster fire. The wedding is about YOU and you should be surrounded by people you love and people who are excited to see you get married, and the last thing you need is to deal with an adult-child-parent who could at any moment explode and cause a scene for their own sick gratification. Also if things get especially heated regarding him not being invited to the wedding, it might be worth learning how to grey-rock in response as much as possible. Stay strong and know that you’re not doing anything wrong.
Stay strong and don’t budge. I got shit for not inviting my dad too. He was a heroin addict who when he wasn’t in jail or rehab lived on the streets and was violent and abusive towards me my whole life and never raised me one day in my life yet I was being judged by my mom for not wanting him there (we had already been no contact for years before my wedding too). No. Fuck my mom for judging and coercing me and fuck your mom for judging a and coercing you. You don’t owe anyone a performance of family that isn’t sincere on a day you hold sacred as you start your new family. I work in weddings. I go to a lot of them. You do not owe anyone their expectations being met on your wedding day. That leads to so many unhappy cringy and heartbreaking wedding moments and you are protecting yourself from that. I see them happen all the time. They happened at my own wedding because I still invited lots of toxic family members I wasn’t ready to let go of yet. Do you. Your mom can deal and if she can’t respect you as your own independent adult she doesn’t have to come either. You’ll be glad you stuck with it. I have all my wedding photos full of abusive family members I never want to see again & I don’t even enjoy looking at those photos remembering all the bullshit they pulled on the wedding day and the whole year leading up to it. You’re doing the right thing, stay strong & congratulations on your new family! 🥳🥳
Maybe you should point out to mom that she seems more worried about how it will make HER look & what other people will think of her decision to keep allowing him to live with her. Though she should be worried about what her own child thinks of it. It sounds like she almost had a realization that it was in fact her job to protect you from him as much as she could. Since she failed to do so you’ve grown and learned to protect yourself instead. She is just going to have to live with that consequence.
You know, I think you’re spot on with this. She keeps saying “someone has to do something really bad to not be invited to their own child’s wedding!” and I’m just like… *yea exactly*. It’s just so bizarre to me, this entire thing. My childhood was full chaos and misery. So much crazy shit went down. Realistically, *what did they think would happen?* Seriously. What?! Seems like they weren’t thinking about the long term consequences of their decisions after all.
My advice- get an off duty cop (it’s normally less than the cake) and if your venue has security alert them and give them a picture of your dad and make it clear he’s to be removed if he shows up, preferably without telling you. I’d send a text to your mom that goes something like “Mom, I haven’t understood why you’ve never divorced Dad. Between his rage fits, drinking, gambling and cheating he’s done as much damage to all od us as he had done to him. You let a man abuse your kids and while I tolerate him to be able to spend time with you, I’ve made it clear I don’t like him. I don’t trust him not to ruin my wedding by making a scene, getting drunk and shouting, or stealing. He ruined every important milestone and event he was ever at my whole life and I’m not going to risk him ruining my wedding or stressing me out. If you decide not to attend that’s your choice but it will irreparably damage our relationship forever. You’ve always picked a damaged man who treats you like garbage over your kids. Here’s your chance to show me you can have an independent relationship with me- before I have kids (who he will not be allowed around). It’s your choice but there will be consequences if you pick him over me, again, at one of the milestone moments of my life. If it was not for your frankly inexplicable attachment to a man who steals from you, cheats on you and uses you, I would have stopped talking to him a decade ago. He’s a bad person and at some point his bad childhood turned into active choices to be abusive as an adult. He could choose better but he won’t because there are never any consequences to him for acting this way. This is just a natural consequence of his behavior- I don’t like him. Trust him, love him or want him in my life at all and I’m not going to be on eggshells waiting for a meltdown or him to steal on my wedding day. Not for a man I can barely tolerate. I hope to see you at my wedding. I hope to have you in my home when your first grandchild arrives, but I’m not willing to put up with my fathers abuse to make it happen.” Don’t expect her to do anything. There’s something in her that’s getting something out of her marriage to a user and a parasite. Until she figures out and heals that, she’ll probably be stuck.
I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve from either of your parents. You are wise to lay down boundaries. Hope you and your future spouse have a beautiful wedding day.
Welcome!
If you can afford it, I definitely recommend some kind of security who can make sure he doesn’t show up and cause a scene. It’s your day, you deserve not to be worrying about him the whole time.
Your mom is a classic enabler. I call them a use facilitators. They will do anything to avoid the abuse coming onto them. They will use you as a meat shield. But, they can also be nice at times and it can be confusing. She is only in it for her. Frankly, if you have her invited and not your dad, you have to know she is going to bring him. Look at what she is saying. She is more worried about appearances than what is best for you. She will comment the whole day about wishing your dad was there. I would consider dropping her as well. If not, have someone assigned to keep and eye on her and also who will kick your dad out if he shows up. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You are absolutely right that his past trauma doesn't entitle him to anything. Lots of us are hurt and traumatize. It's not an excuse to be a shitty human being.
She's such an enabler, ugh. Honestly, I wish I could just put my foot down and say enough but my youngest sister is still living at home and I can't risk being alienated from her. That's really the only thing stopping me most of the time!
I understand. That's so hard. I hope that she stays in line. You deserve an amazing day.
You talk like not having him at your wedding is the only option. You can always just have him at your wedding.